Original subtitles

GUYS DON'T CALL WOMEN WHO SLEEP AROUND "SLUTS."

UNH-UNH. WE JUST CALL THEM. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

THIS IS THE COOLEST SHOW I'VE EVER BEEN ON.

THIS IS MY FANTASY.

LIKE, IF I HAD A DREAM ABOUT DOING COMEDY, THIS IS IT.

I HAVE TO DO STAND-UP COMEDY,

AND I'M JUST NOT SURE HOW IT'S GONNA TURN OUT.

IF I MEET A WOMAN AND SHE HAS A NICE ASS, SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

I FEEL LIBERATED WHEN I GET NAKED,

SO IT'S BEEN A GREAT EXPERIENCE.

BUT IF I MEET A WOMAN AND SHE HAS A GREAT ASS,

SHE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE, IF I WASN'T WEARING THESE,

I WOULD BE NAKED.

I HAVE NEVER WORKED WITH SHANNON ELIZABETH BEFORE.

I'M YOUR HOST, SHANNON ELIZABETH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY."

THE JITTERS ARE GONE. EXCITEMENT'S KICKING IN.

ENERGY -- YOU CAN FEEL IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M, UH -- I'M -- I'M TAKING A NAP.

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

IT'S FUN TO GET NAKED.

[ LAUGHS ]

* I'LL DO IT, TOO *

[ ANNOUNCER ] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR HOST

FOR LIVE NUDE COMEDY, SHANNON ELIZABETH.

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU.

[ LAUGHS ]

THANK YOU. I AM SHANNON ELIZABETH.

THANK YOU, AND THIS IS "LIVE NUDE COMEDY."

THANK YOU GUYS FOR COMING.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NOW, THIS IS A SHOW A LITTLE

UNLIKE ANYTHING YOU'VE EVER SEEN BEFORE.

I GOT YOU A BOTTLE OF WATER.

THANKS, JOSH.

UM -- OH, YOU NEED A CUP!

THIS IS MY ASSISTANT, JOSH.

[ CLATTERING ]

HE'S NEW.

OHH, BOY. UH, THANK YOU. THANKS, JOSH.

OKAY, I'M -- I'M GOOD NOW.

THANKS. THANKS. THAT'S --

WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU HATE CUPS?

OHH.

UH, NO, JOSH.

JOSH, IT'S JUST THAT I'VE GOT TO FINISH HOSTING THE SHOW.

I'M SORRY. I'LL HELP YOU!

I'LL HELP YOU!

WE'LL DO LIKE A DUO THING, LIKE "REGIS AND KATHIE LEE."

OH, UH, WAIT --

OKAY.

UM...

GO AHEAD. IT'S YOUR LINE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HI.

I'M SHANNON ELIZABETH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WELCOME! WELCOME TO "LIVE --"

"LIVE NUDE COMEDY"!

[ CHEERING ]

THIS SHOW FEATURES COMEDIANS --

AND HILARIOUS BURLESQUE WOMEN!

[ LAUGHTER ]

TONIGHT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT --

SUCH A GOOD TIME!

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY. I THINK WE'RE GOOD.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, JOSH. YOU WERE A REALLY BIG HELP.

OH, YOU BET. YOU BET. YEAH. THANKS.

I'M GONNA TAKE OFF. OKAY.

I'M JUST GONNA RUN TO THE PHARMACY

AND GET THAT PRESCRIPTION THAT YOU NEED.

NO! NO! WHAT? NO.

THE PRESCRIPTION? NO! NO!

YOU DON'T NEED A PRESCRIPTION?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

THE ONE YOU SAID I NEEDED TO GET?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, NO.

I HEARD YOU SAY -- YEAH, NO. OKAY.

[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ] SEE?

YEAH, YEAH.

NO, IT WASN'T FOR ME. RIGHT.

RIGHT, IT WASN'T FOR YOU. YEAH.

GOT IT. MM-HMM. THANKS.

I'M GETTING IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE.

THANKS, JOSH. SHANNON...

SOMEONE ELSE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANKS.

[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]

ALL RIGHT, WELL, I AM SHANNON ELIZABETH.

WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY."

ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR YOUR FIRST PERFORMER?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THIS FIRST GUY -- THIS FIRST GUY

IS AN AWESOME COMEDIAN, BUT YOU

MIGHT SPEND MOST OF HIS ACT

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ETHNICITY HE IS.

PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR K.T. TATARA.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ]

WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?

SO, DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE YOU KNOW?

PEOPLE ALWAYS TELL ME I LOOK LIKE THEIR HALF-ASIAN FRIEND OR

SOME GUY THAT BARTENDS SOMEWHERE.

ONE TIME A GIRL TOLD ME I LOOKED LIKE HER EX-BOYFRIEND.

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT?

DOES ANYONE KNOW? I THINK IF SOMEONE TELLS YOU YOU LOOK LIKE AN EX,

YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO FUCK THAT PERSON RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE, RIGHT?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LIKE, "HEY, YOU LOOK LIKE MY EX-BOYFRIEND."

"WELL, LET'S SEE IF I FEEL LIKE HIM."

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

IT'S WORTH A SHOT.

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH JIZZ WEIGHS, BUT, UH, APPARENTLY IT'S

PRETTY HEAVY 'CAUSE EVERY TIME I'VE JIZZED ON A GIRL,

THEY'RE ALWAYS SO INCAPACITATED AND THEY CAN'T MOVE, RIGHT?

THEY'RE LIKE, "UH, HELP.

UH, EXCUSE ME, A LITTLE HELP OVER HERE?"

[ WHIMPERS ]

"A LITTLE HELP, PLEASE."

[ WHIMPERING ]

IT'S LIKE, "IT'S A TEASPOON, BITCH. IT'S NOT 20 POUNDS.

YOU GET UP.

YOU FIGURE THAT OUT.

I GOT TO CHECK MY FACEBOOK."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

BEEN ON A LATE OF WEIRD DATES RECENTLY.

I WENT ON A DATE WITH THIS GIRL,

AND SHE WANTED ME TO PAY,

AND I HAVE A STRICT NO-PAYING POLICY

ON THE FIRST DATE. SORRY, LADIES.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER, YOU KNOW?

WHY DON'T WE JUST SPLIT THE BILL?

IF IT WORKS OUT, I'LL PROBABLY PAY FOR SOME SHIT.

THIS GIRL GOT ALL MAD AT ME.

"OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE SUCH A CHEAP GUY.

I THINK THE GUY SHOULD PAY.

I MEAN, I'M JUST OLD-FASHIONED."

AND I FELT BAD. I WAS LIKE, "OH, I'M SORRY.

I'M OLD-FASHIONED, TOO.

SO, HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"IF YOU'RE SO OLD-FASHIONED, WHY DON'T YOU PUT ON AN APRON?

I'LL PAY FOR THE MEAL WHEN YOU MAKE IT.

HOW ABOUT THAT? HOW ABOUT YOU STOP VOTING?

HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE A SHIT IN THE WOODS?

HOW FAR BACK YOU WANT TO GO WITH THIS 'REMEMBER THE TIMES' SHIT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU'RE SO TRADITIONAL."

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

I DON'T MEAN TO HATE ON THE GIRLS, BUT, YOU KNOW,

GIRLS ALWAYS RIP ON GUYS, CALLING THEM

IMMATURE ALL THE TIME. "GUYS ARE SO IMMATURE.

YOU'RE LIKE A LITTLE BOY.

YOU'RE SO IMMATURE. YOU PLAY VIDED GAMES. OH, MY GOD."

AND I KNOW GUYS CAN BE IMMATURE, RIGHT?

GUYS ARE DIRTY. THEY PUNCH EACH OTHER IN

THE BALLS, FART ON EACH OTHER.

GUYS ARE GROSS. WE KNOW THAT.

BUT WOMEN ACT LIKE THEY NEVER DO ANYTHING IMMATURE.

AND IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHO'S MORE LIKE A KID,

SOMETIMES I THINK IT'S WOMEN. AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,

I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU RIGHT NOW,

OKAY? LET'S PLAY A LITTLE GAME.

IT'S CALLED "GIRL OR LITTLE KID?"

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE OF A COUPLE THINGS.

TRY TO FIGURE OUT IF I'M TALKING ABOUT A GIRL OR A LITTLE KID.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY? CRIES FOR NO REASON, FALLS DOWN

ALL THE TIME, BRUISES EASILY,

CAN'T DRIVE, HAS NO MONEY --

KID OR GIRL? WHOA, PRETTY CLOSE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

GETS LOST ALL THE TIME, GIVES BAD DIRECTIONS,

CAN'T LIFT HEAVY SHIT -- WHOA, KID OR GIRL?

PHOTO FINISH. I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

WEARS PAJAMAS, WAKES YOU UP IF THEY HAD A NIGHTMARE,

SOMETIMES YELLS OUT, "DADDY!"

I COULD GO ALL NIGHT.

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

AND IF YOU STILL DON'T BELIEVE ME,

CALL ANY RESTAURANT AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.

9 TIMES OUT OF 10, IF A GIRL ANSWERS, SHE'LL PUT

A GUY ON THE PHONE, RIGHT? I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY

RESTAURANTS I'VE CALLED. I'M LIKE, "HEY, HOW DO YOU GET THERE?"

THE GIRL'S LIKE, "UH, I DON'T KNOW. I GOT TO GO FIND SOMEBODY."

I'M LIKE, "WELL, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET THERE?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

IS THAT HOW GIRLS FIND JOBS?

YOU JUST DRIVE AROUND -- "I AM SO LOST.

I AM, LIKE, SO LOST.

I GUESS I WORK HERE NOW."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THEN IF YOU DO GET DIRECTIONS FROM A GIRL,

IT'S SOME WEIRD LANDMARK-BASED DIRECTIONS.

YOU CAN'T FIGURE THE SHIT OUT.

IT'S LIKE TALKING TO A KID.

IT'S JUST SHAPES AND COLORS.

"I DON'T KNOW THE AREA.

HAT'S WHY I'M CALLING FOR DIRECTIONS.

YOU'RE TALKING TO ME LIKE I LIVE DOWN THE STREET."

"OH, GO DOWN THE BUMPY PART, YOU KNOW,

WHERE IT GETS CURLY AND THE THREE TREES

AND THE BIRDHOUSE?" WHAT THE FUCK?

"WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE STREET?"

"I DON'T KNOW, BUT BEHIND THE STREET SIGN IS THE BIRDHOUSE.

YOU'LL SEE IT." [ LAUGHTER ]

"I'M GONNA BEAT DOWN THAT BIRDHOUSE

SO YOU CAN'T GET TO WORK, BITCH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, GOD.

I'M 28 YEARS OLD. EVERYONE THINKS I'M YOUNGER THAN I AM.

IT'S SO ANNOYING, YOU KNOW?

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD THING, ESPECIALLY WITH GIRLS,

LIKE, 'CAUSE EVERY GIRL WANTS A GUY THAT CAN ROUGH THEM UP A LITTLE BIT, RIGHT?

NOT IN A SCARY WAY, JUST KIND OF IN A -- "OOH, YOU'RE A MAN. YEAH. OOH!"

AND SOMETIMES GIRLS DON'T THINK I CAN DO THAT.

I CAN. DON'T TAKE MY BABY FACE FOR

BEING A BITCH. I WILL PULL YOUR HAIR, OKAY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND I'LL DO IT RIGHT.

HERE'S A FREE HAIR-PULLING TIP,

'CAUSE A LOT OF YOU GUYS HAVE

BEEN PULLING YOUR GIRL'S HAIR

WRONG AND SHE'S TOO SCARED TO TELL YOU HOW TO DO IT RIGHT,

OKAY? SO, HERE'S A FREE HAIR-PULLING

TIP FROM K.T. FIRST OF ALL, IF YOUR GIRL HAS

LONG HAIR, DON'T PULL ON THE ENDS OF IT LIKE YOU'RE

SANTA CLAUS PULLING REINDEER,

LIKE, "ON DANCER, ON PRANCER."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "OW, OW, MY NECK!

AAH, I DON'T LIKE IT! AAH!"

OKAY? YOU GOT TO GRAB RIGHT HERE,

RIGHT AT THE BACK, AT THE BASE.

JUST KIND OF SQUEEZE AND JUST -- "UNH!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, THESE WHORES KNOW. YEAH.

YOU GRAB RIGHT HERE AND JUST SQUEEZE, JUST, "UNH!"

YOU GOT TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF HER, OKAY?

LIKE, GIRLS WANT TO BE ALMOST RAPED -- LIKE RAPED BUT KNOW

YOUR NAME, YOU KNOW? LIKE, "AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!

WHO IS THAT? OH, IT'S STILL YOU. OKAY.

AAH! YAY!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT'S LIKE A FINE LINE, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE A RAPE-ETTE. NOW, DON'T TRY IT ON BLACK

CHICKS AFTER THEY JUST GOT THEIR HAIR DID.

I TRIED IT ON A BLACK CHICK. SHE RAPEDME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

NIGERIAN HAIR -- YOU KNOW.

SO, I'M 28. EVERYONE THINKS I'M YOUNGER.

IT'S ANNOYING. I -- YOU KNOW, I GET CARDED

FOR WEIRD SHIT ALL THE TIME.

I GOT CARDED ON THE AIRPLANE.

YOU KNOW HOW EMBARRASSING THAT IS?

I'M SITTING IN THE EMERGENCY-EXIT ROW.

THE LADY COMES OVER. "EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE.

YOU'RE SITTING IN THE EMERGENCY-EXIT ROW.

IF YOU ARE WILLING TO OR UNABLE TO PERFORM -- WHOA!

HOW OLD ARE YOU?"

DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW OLD YOU HAVE TO BE TO SIT IN

THE EMERGENCY-EXIT ROW? 15.

15! I'M 28. 15? WHAT THE FUCK?

THAT MEANS SHE THOUGHT THERE'S A POSSIBILITY I COULD BE 14.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T HAVE THE BODY HAIR TO PROVE THAT.

LIKE, I'M HALF-ASIAN -- NO ARM HAIR, HAPPY TRAIL -- MAYBE NEXT YEAR, SORRY.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND THEN IT GETS WORSE.

THE PLANE LANDS. EVERYONE'S CROWDED BY THE GATE.

I GET MISTAKEN FOR A GIRL.

A GIRL.

DO YOU KNOW HOW DAMAGING IT IS TO YOUR MANHOOD,

PSYCHOLOGICALLY, WHEN YOU'RE FULLY GROWN,

YOU'RE STANDING WITH ALL THESE OTHER --

THIS IS FULLY GROWN, BY THE WAY, APPARENTLY.

YOU'RE STANDING WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE.

THIS TALL BLACK DUDE COMES UP BEHIND ME, CUPS ME IN A LITTLE

NO-NO ZONE, WHISPERS INTO MY EAR, "EXCUSE ME, BABY GIRL."

I'M LIKE...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M LIKE, "DID THAT JUST FUCKING HAPPEN?"

I TURN LIKE THIS. HE CHECKS ME OUT.

HE'S LIKE, "OH, MY FAULT, DAWG."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"MY FAULT, DAWG"? THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GONNA SAY?

WHAT ABOUT THE 300 PEOPLE JUST SAW YOU DO THAT SHIT?

WHAT ABOUT MY BONER?

[ LAUGHTER ]

MY NAME'S K.T. THANKS A LOT.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THIS NEXT PERFORMER IS AN AMAZING DANCER.

PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR ALLISON KYLER.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ BASS GUITAR PLAYING ]

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

* MY, OH, MY *

* WONDER WHY *

* AFTERNOON *

* OVERTIME *

* SECOND SHIFT *

* CORPORAL ABUSE *

* WHEN I'M DOWN *

* WHAT TO DO? *

* I NEED MY JA-JA *

* I NEED MY JA-JA *

* I NEED MY JA-JA *

* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *

[ INSTRUMENTAL SOLO ]

* SANCTIFY *

* CRITICIZE *

* HOLY WAR *

* WHO DIED? *

* SQUEAKY CLEAN *

* WHERE'S THE JUICE? *

* WHAT'S UP NOW? *

* ME AND YOU *

* I NEED MY JA-JA *

* I NEED MY JA-JA *

* I NEED MY JA-JA *

* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *

[ INSTRUMENTAL SOLO ]

* UNH *

* UNH *

* UNH *

* UNH *

* UNH *

* UNH * * UNH *

* I DON'T WANT IT TO HEAL MY LOVE, BABY *

* I DON'T NEED IT TO HELP ME RIGHT NOW *

* I DON'T WANT IT TO HEAL MY LOVE, BABY *

* I DON'T NEED IT TO HELP ME RIGHT NOW *

* I NEED MY JA-JA *

* I NEED MY JA-JA *

* I NEED MY JA-JA *

* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *

[ INSTRUMENTAL SOLO ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ TEMPO DECREASES ]

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I THINK MY FAVORITE COMEDIANS ARE LIKE MAYBE LIKE DAVID SPADE

AND BRIAN REGAN AND -- YEAH, ANYBODY WHO'S, LIKE, REALLY

SARCASTIC AND HAS DRY HUMOR. THAT'S, LIKE, MY THING.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WOW. I MEAN, SHE WAS EITHER REALLY

SEXY, OR SHE WAS HAVING A SEIZURE.

I'M NOT QUITE SURE.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

[ LAUGHS ] REALLY?

ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT COMEDIAN IS FROM

THE THRIVING METROPOLIS OF MISSISSIPPI.

PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR TIG NOTARO.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ CHEERING ]

THANK YOU, AND GOOD NIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HOW'S IT GOING?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AH. I LIVE, UH -- I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.

UM, I LIVE OUT IN VENICE, IF ANYBODY WANTS TO SWING BY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I, UH -- I WAS WALKING THROUGH MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

I WAS WALKING DOWN THE SIDEWALK, AND I WAS PASSING THIS GUY.

AND RIGHT WHEN WE WERE PASSING EACH OTHER, HE SAID TO ME --

RIGHT WHEN WE WERE PASSING EACH OTHER, HE SAID, "AH.

THEM ARE LITTLE TITTIES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I THOUGHT YOU WAS A MAN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND IT'S LIKE, "OKAY.

OKAY IF YOU THINK THAT.

AND OKAY IF YOU SAY THAT...

TO YOURSELF."

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THAT THOUGHT HAD TO GO

THROUGH SEVERAL LAYERS OF

FILTERS IN HIS MIND

AND A CHECKLIST.

AND HE STILL DECIDED...

"YEAH, I'M GONNA NEED TO SAY THIS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

LIKE, THINK OF -- THINK OF ALL

THE THINGS HE DECIDED NOT TO SAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THINGS LIKE, "GOOD AFTERNOON"...

OR, UM...

"OH, I WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING,

BUT I DECIDED NOT TO."

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

NOPE. HE WENT WITH,

"AH. THEM ARE LITTLE TITTIES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I THOUGHT YOU WAS A MAN."

IT'S -- IT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE I'M --

I'M TORN ABOUT THAT JOKE...

WHEN YOU LAUGH...

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

...'CAUSE I'M LIKE, "ALL RI-- OHH."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THAT'S RIGHT."

I, UH -- I WAS IN NEW YORK,

AND I NEVER KNOW MY WAY AROUND THE CITY,

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I GO.

AND, UM, SO, I GO PAST THIS BAR AT LIKE 2:00 IN THE MORNING.

A COUPLE OF GUYS ARE WALKING OUT.

AND I WAS LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE SUBWAY IS?"

AND THIS ONE GUY JUST, LIKE,

LUNGES TOWARDS ME, AND HE'S LIKE,

"WILL YOU KISS ME? WILL YOU MAKE OUT WITH ME?"

AND HIS FRIEND WAS LIKE, "NO, DUDE.

SHE'S GOT A BAD HAIRCUT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I LOVE THAT MY HAIRCUT WAS SO BAD THAT IT SAVED ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT SAVED ME FROM BEING VIOLENTLY

SEXUALLY ASSAULTED.

LIKE, I'M BEEN GETTING MY HAIRCUT, GOING,

"YOU SURE THIS IS GONNA DO IT?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

AH.

I WANT TO HAVE KIDS, YOU GUYS.

I WANT TO HAVE KIDS WITH ALL OF YOU.

[ CHEERING ]

I THINK WE'RE GONNA -- I THINK

WE'RE GONNA MAKE GREAT PARENTS.

I DO. I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET

ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED.

I LOVE THAT IT'S CALLED THAT...

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

...'CAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE NOT GETTING INSEMINATED.

YOU'RE GETTING INSEMINATED.

IF IT WAS ARTIFICIAL, YOU'D GO

IN FOR YOUR DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT

AND THEY'D INSERT ONE OF THOSE

SPONGE CREATURES INSIDE OF YOU...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...THAT EXPANDS.

AND THEN NINE MONTHS LATER...

[ IMITATES EXPLOSION ]

"A VELOCIRAPTOR!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"HEY, SOMEBODY ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED ME.

WHO IS THE WISE GUY?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

BUT I ALSO LOVE THE IDEA OF GETTING ARTIFICIALLY

INSEMINATED AND THEN JUST GIVING

IT UP FOR ADOPTION...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...BEING LIKE, "YOU KNOW, IT TURNS OUT

I DON'T WANT THAT CHILD AFTER ALL."

SEND IT OFF TO LIVE IN AN ORPHANAGE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

IT'S A SPONGE DINOSAUR THAT I --

IF I DROPPED OFF A SPONGE AND I WAS LIKE,

"LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO RAISE THIS"...

THEY'D BE LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, CRAZY,

WE'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE."

THEY'D PROBABLY JUST TAKE THE SPONGE

INSIDE AND CLEAN OFF THE ORPHANS.

EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE.

I LOVE GETTING UPDATES FROM MY FRIENDS

THAT ALL HAVE KIDS, ALL THE E-MAILS

AND PHOTOS THAT THEY SEND.

I LOVE GETTING THOSE.

WHAT I CAN'T STAND IS THE QUESTION THAT COMES ALONG

WITH THAT. "CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

CAITLIN IS STARTING KINDERGARTEN THIS YEAR.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?"

"I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, WHAT IS SHE -- ABOUT 5?

[ APPLAUSE ]

THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

YEAH, I CAN BELIEVE THAT."

I'M LIKE, IF THEY WERE TO

CONTACT ME AND BE LIKE, "CAITLIN HAS NEVER GROWN

ANY BIGGER SINCE THE DAY SHE WAS BORN,

NEVER SPOKEN A WORD AT ALL IN HER LIFE.

SHE'S GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE TODAY.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'D BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

NO, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

SEND MORE PHOTOS."

ANYWAY, MY NAME IS TIG.

THANKS SO MUCH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

OH.

SO, PEOPLE SEND ME PHOTOS OF THEIR BABIES ALL THE TIME.

NOW, AS LONG AS YOU DON'T SEND

ME PHOTOS OF YOU MAKING A BABY,

I AM OKAY.

AND SPEAKING OF MAKING A BABY,

I HAVE A FRIEND WHO MADE A SEX TAPE THAT GOT ONLINE.

IT'S SCARY HOW STUFF SPREADS OVER THE INTERNET.

I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, NOW EVERY

TIME SHE INSTANT-MESSAGES ME,

MY COMPUTER GETS A VIRUS.

[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]

[ LAUGHS ]

I DON'T WRITE THE JOKES, GUYS.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT LADY IS GONNA BRING A LITTLE SPANISH

SPIRIT TO OUR STAGE.

PLEASE WELCOME LOLA!

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

* THERE'S STILL SMOKE IN THIS CITY *

* THERE'S STILL CRACKS BEHIND THE PAINT *

* BLOODSHOT EYES IN PARKS AND ALLEYS *

* COME ALIVE WHEN THE DAY IS DONE *

* MIDNIGHT LIFE, BEAT OF RHYTHM *

* MOTION IN THE SUMMER HEAT *

* PRETTY GIRLS IN THE TIGHT-FIT LEVI'S *

* WEAKENIN' YOUR KNEES *

* YEAH *

* YEAH *

* ALL RIGHT *

* COME ON, GIMME SOME ACTION *

* YEAH *

* YEAH *

* ALL RIGHT *

* I SAID GIMME SOME ACTION *

* YEAH *

* YEAH *

* ALL RIGHT *

* THERE'S NO LIFE IN THIS CITY *

* THERE WERE PUNKS ONCE ON THIS STREET *

* THEY GREW UP AND BOUGHT THE BUILDINGS *

* THAT THEY TRASHED IN THE 1970s *

* ROCK 'N' ROLL AND GRAFFITI *

* WASHIN' OFF THE POLES AND WALLS *

* THE MORE I THINK ABOUT THIS CITY *

* THE MORE I THINK IT'S LOST *

* YEAH *

* YEAH *

* ALL RIGHT *

* COME ON, GIMME SOME ACTION *

* YEAH *

* YEAH *

* ALL RIGHT *

* YOU GOT TO GIMME SOME ACTION *

* YEAH *

* YEAH *

* ALL RIGHT *

* TAKE ME BACK *

* TAKE ME BACK *

* BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

* I STILL HEAR STEREOS ON THESE STREETS *

* THE CORNERS STAY CROWDED AND ALIVE *

* YEAH *

* YEAH *

* ALL RIGHT *

* COME ON, GIMME SOME ACTION *

* YEAH *

* YEAH *

* ALL RIGHT *

* PLEASE GIMME SOME ACTION *

* YEAH *

* YEAH *

* ALL RIGHT *

* YOU GOT TO GIMME SOME ACTION *

* YEAH *

* YEAH *

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I HAD SOME REALLY PRETTY AMAZING... NIGHTS,

BUT THERE WAS ONE IN PARTICULAR WHERE SOMEBODY

LOST THEIR BODILY FUNCTIONS ON THE DANCE FLOOR,

AND THAT WAS PRETTY FUNNY.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH.

WOW. WELL, IT WAS A GOOD THING THAT

SHE WAS AMAZING, BECAUSE IF SHE WASN'T,

I WAS READY TO CALL IMMIGRATION.

[ LAUGHS ]

THAT IS IT FOR OUR SHOW TONIGHT.

THANK YOU GUYS FOR COMING.

I'M SHANNON ELIZABETH, AND WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME!

BUENAS NOCHES!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]