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1
00:00:03,271 --> 00:00:04,905
GUYS DON'T CALL WOMEN WHO
SLEEP AROUND "SLUTS."
2
00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:07,007
UNH-UNH. WE JUST CALL THEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
3
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,342
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
4
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:09,943
THIS IS THE COOLEST SHOW
I'VE EVER BEEN ON.
5
00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:11,512
THIS IS MY FANTASY.
6
00:00:11,512 --> 00:00:13,881
LIKE, IF I HAD A DREAM ABOUT
DOING COMEDY, THIS IS IT.
7
00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:15,483
I HAVE TO DO STAND-UP COMEDY,
8
00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:17,885
AND I'M JUST NOT SURE HOW
IT'S GONNA TURN OUT.
9
00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:21,689
IF I MEET A WOMAN AND SHE HAS
A NICE ASS, SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.
10
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,591
I FEEL LIBERATED
WHEN I GET NAKED,
11
00:00:23,591 --> 00:00:26,327
SO IT'S BEEN A GREAT
EXPERIENCE.
12
00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:28,996
BUT IF I MEET A WOMAN
AND SHE HAS A GREAT ASS,
13
00:00:28,996 --> 00:00:30,731
SHE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL.
14
00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:32,800
AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE,
IF I WASN'T WEARING THESE,
15
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:34,402
I WOULD BE NAKED.
16
00:00:34,402 --> 00:00:36,504
I HAVE NEVER WORKED WITH
SHANNON ELIZABETH BEFORE.
17
00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:38,706
I'M YOUR HOST,
SHANNON ELIZABETH.
18
00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:41,475
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
19
00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:44,212
WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY."
20
00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:46,947
THE JITTERS ARE GONE.
EXCITEMENT'S KICKING IN.
21
00:00:46,947 --> 00:00:48,282
ENERGY -- YOU CAN FEEL IT.
22
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:49,650
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
23
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:52,286
I'M, UH -- I'M --
I'M TAKING A NAP.
24
00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:54,155
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
25
00:00:57,691 --> 00:00:58,992
IT'S FUN TO GET NAKED.
26
00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:00,027
[ LAUGHS ]
27
00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:01,495
* I'LL DO IT, TOO *
28
00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:03,431
[ ANNOUNCER ] LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR HOST
29
00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:07,067
FOR LIVE NUDE COMEDY,
SHANNON ELIZABETH.
30
00:01:08,001 --> 00:01:09,803
THANK YOU!
31
00:01:13,974 --> 00:01:15,709
THANK YOU.
32
00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:17,178
[ LAUGHS ]
33
00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:19,280
THANK YOU.
I AM SHANNON ELIZABETH.
34
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:21,915
THANK YOU, AND THIS IS
"LIVE NUDE COMEDY."
35
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:23,451
THANK YOU GUYS FOR COMING.
36
00:01:23,451 --> 00:01:25,986
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
37
00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:28,156
NOW, THIS IS
A SHOW A LITTLE
38
00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:31,159
UNLIKE ANYTHING
YOU'VE EVER SEEN BEFORE.
39
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,595
I GOT YOU
A BOTTLE OF WATER.
40
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,264
THANKS, JOSH.
41
00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:38,098
UM --
OH, YOU NEED A CUP!
42
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,368
THIS IS MY
ASSISTANT, JOSH.
43
00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:42,069
[ CLATTERING ]
44
00:01:42,069 --> 00:01:43,604
HE'S NEW.
45
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:47,308
OHH, BOY.
UH, THANK YOU.
THANKS, JOSH.
46
00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:48,576
OKAY, I'M --
I'M GOOD NOW.
47
00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:50,211
THANKS.
THANKS. THAT'S --
48
00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:52,680
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU HATE CUPS?
49
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:53,814
OHH.
50
00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:55,683
UH, NO, JOSH.
51
00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:57,985
JOSH, IT'S JUST THAT I'VE GOT
TO FINISH HOSTING THE SHOW.
52
00:01:57,985 --> 00:01:59,187
I'M SORRY.
I'LL HELP YOU!
53
00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,988
I'LL HELP YOU!
54
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:03,191
WE'LL DO LIKE A DUO THING,
LIKE "REGIS AND KATHIE LEE."
55
00:02:03,191 --> 00:02:04,725
OH, UH, WAIT --
56
00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:05,826
OKAY.
57
00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:07,161
UM...
58
00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:08,862
GO AHEAD.
IT'S YOUR LINE.
59
00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,063
[ LAUGHTER ]
60
00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:11,165
HI.
61
00:02:11,165 --> 00:02:12,866
I'M SHANNON ELIZABETH.
62
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,402
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
63
00:02:16,370 --> 00:02:18,872
WELCOME!
WELCOME TO "LIVE --"
64
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,841
"LIVE NUDE COMEDY"!
65
00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:22,810
[ CHEERING ]
66
00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:25,279
THIS SHOW
FEATURES COMEDIANS --
67
00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:27,681
AND HILARIOUS
BURLESQUE WOMEN!
68
00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:28,849
[ LAUGHTER ]
69
00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:31,385
TONIGHT YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE A GREAT --
70
00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:33,254
SUCH A GOOD TIME!
71
00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:34,688
[ LAUGHTER ]
72
00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:36,357
OKAY.
I THINK WE'RE GOOD.
73
00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:38,259
THANK YOU SO MUCH, JOSH.
YOU WERE A REALLY BIG HELP.
74
00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:40,060
OH, YOU BET. YOU BET.
YEAH. THANKS.
75
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:41,295
I'M GONNA TAKE OFF.
OKAY.
76
00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:42,630
I'M JUST GONNA RUN
TO THE PHARMACY
77
00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:44,164
AND GET THAT PRESCRIPTION
THAT YOU NEED.
78
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,266
NO! NO! WHAT? NO.
79
00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:46,567
THE PRESCRIPTION?
NO! NO!
80
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,001
YOU DON'T NEED
A PRESCRIPTION?
81
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:50,137
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
82
00:02:50,137 --> 00:02:51,772
THE ONE YOU SAID I
NEEDED TO GET?
83
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,774
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, NO.
84
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:55,776
I HEARD YOU SAY --
YEAH, NO. OKAY.
85
00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:58,712
[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]
SEE?
86
00:02:58,712 --> 00:02:59,813
YEAH, YEAH.
87
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,549
NO, IT WASN'T FOR ME.
RIGHT.
88
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:03,851
RIGHT, IT WASN'T FOR YOU.
YEAH.
89
00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:05,619
GOT IT.
MM-HMM. THANKS.
90
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,521
I'M GETTING IT
FOR SOMEONE ELSE.
91
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:09,189
THANKS, JOSH.
SHANNON...
92
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,424
SOMEONE ELSE.
93
00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:12,893
[ LAUGHTER ]
94
00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:14,462
THANKS.
95
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:17,130
[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]
96
00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:18,966
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
I AM SHANNON ELIZABETH.
97
00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:20,534
WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY."
98
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,403
ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR YOUR
FIRST PERFORMER?
99
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:25,205
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
100
00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,447
THIS FIRST GUY --
THIS FIRST GUY
101
00:03:33,447 --> 00:03:35,148
IS AN AWESOME COMEDIAN,
BUT YOU
102
00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:36,617
MIGHT SPEND MOST OF HIS ACT
103
00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:38,819
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT
ETHNICITY HE IS.
104
00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:41,389
PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR
K.T. TATARA.
105
00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:42,623
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
106
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:44,958
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ]
107
00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:53,467
WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?
108
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,569
SO, DO I LOOK LIKE
SOMEONE YOU KNOW?
109
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,905
PEOPLE ALWAYS TELL ME I LOOK
LIKE THEIR HALF-ASIAN FRIEND OR
110
00:03:57,905 --> 00:03:59,840
SOME GUY THAT BARTENDS
SOMEWHERE.
111
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,875
ONE TIME A GIRL TOLD ME I LOOKED
LIKE HER EX-BOYFRIEND.
112
00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:03,977
WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED
TO SAY TO THAT?
113
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:06,046
DOES ANYONE KNOW?
I THINK IF SOMEONE TELLS YOU
YOU LOOK LIKE AN EX,
114
00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:08,816
YOU SHOULD BE ABLE
TO FUCK THAT PERSON RIGHT
THERE ON THE SPOT...
115
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:10,083
[ LAUGHTER ]
116
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,452
...FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE, RIGHT?
117
00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:13,421
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
118
00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,689
LIKE, "HEY, YOU LOOK LIKE MY
EX-BOYFRIEND."
119
00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:17,458
"WELL, LET'S SEE IF
I FEEL LIKE HIM."
120
00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:19,126
[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]
121
00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:21,662
IT'S WORTH A SHOT.
122
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:24,798
AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH JIZZ
WEIGHS, BUT, UH, APPARENTLY IT'S
123
00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:27,668
PRETTY HEAVY 'CAUSE EVERY TIME
I'VE JIZZED ON A GIRL,
124
00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:30,237
THEY'RE ALWAYS SO INCAPACITATED
AND THEY CAN'T MOVE, RIGHT?
125
00:04:30,237 --> 00:04:32,940
THEY'RE LIKE, "UH, HELP.
126
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:35,309
UH, EXCUSE ME,
A LITTLE HELP OVER HERE?"
127
00:04:35,309 --> 00:04:37,044
[ WHIMPERS ]
128
00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:39,480
"A LITTLE HELP, PLEASE."
129
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,114
[ WHIMPERING ]
130
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:44,084
IT'S LIKE,
"IT'S A TEASPOON, BITCH.
IT'S NOT 20 POUNDS.
131
00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:45,819
YOU GET UP.
132
00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:48,756
YOU FIGURE THAT OUT.
133
00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:50,358
I GOT TO CHECK MY FACEBOOK."
134
00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:51,859
[ LAUGHTER ]
135
00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:54,562
[ CHUCKLES ]
136
00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:56,163
BEEN ON A LATE OF WEIRD
DATES RECENTLY.
137
00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:57,431
I WENT ON A DATE WITH THIS GIRL,
138
00:04:57,431 --> 00:04:58,866
AND SHE WANTED ME TO PAY,
139
00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:00,501
AND I HAVE
A STRICT NO-PAYING POLICY
140
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:01,602
ON THE FIRST DATE.
SORRY, LADIES.
141
00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:02,970
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
142
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,572
WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER,
YOU KNOW?
143
00:05:04,572 --> 00:05:06,139
WHY DON'T WE JUST
SPLIT THE BILL?
144
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:07,575
IF IT WORKS OUT,
I'LL PROBABLY PAY FOR SOME SHIT.
145
00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:09,009
THIS GIRL GOT ALL MAD AT ME.
146
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:10,544
"OH, MY GOD,
YOU'RE SUCH A CHEAP GUY.
147
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:11,779
I THINK THE GUY SHOULD PAY.
148
00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:13,614
I MEAN, I'M JUST OLD-FASHIONED."
149
00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:15,148
AND I FELT BAD.
I WAS LIKE, "OH, I'M SORRY.
150
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,750
I'M OLD-FASHIONED, TOO.
151
00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:18,251
SO, HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT
YOUR FUCKING MOUTH?"
152
00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:19,587
[ LAUGHTER ]
153
00:05:19,587 --> 00:05:21,889
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
154
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:23,791
"IF YOU'RE SO OLD-FASHIONED,
WHY DON'T YOU PUT ON AN APRON?
155
00:05:23,791 --> 00:05:25,593
I'LL PAY FOR THE MEAL
WHEN YOU MAKE IT.
156
00:05:25,593 --> 00:05:27,127
HOW ABOUT THAT?
HOW ABOUT YOU STOP VOTING?
157
00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:29,162
HOW ABOUT YOU TAKE
A SHIT IN THE WOODS?
158
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:31,264
HOW FAR BACK YOU WANT TO GO WITH
THIS 'REMEMBER THE TIMES' SHIT?"
159
00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:32,366
[ LAUGHTER ]
160
00:05:32,366 --> 00:05:33,734
"YOU'RE SO TRADITIONAL."
161
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,370
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
162
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,339
[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]
163
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:43,411
I DON'T MEAN TO HATE ON
THE GIRLS, BUT, YOU KNOW,
164
00:05:43,411 --> 00:05:45,045
GIRLS ALWAYS RIP ON GUYS,
CALLING THEM
165
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,114
IMMATURE ALL THE TIME.
"GUYS ARE SO IMMATURE.
166
00:05:47,114 --> 00:05:48,849
YOU'RE LIKE A LITTLE BOY.
167
00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:50,718
YOU'RE SO IMMATURE. YOU PLAY
VIDED GAMES. OH, MY GOD."
168
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:52,853
AND I KNOW GUYS CAN BE IMMATURE,
RIGHT?
169
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,022
GUYS ARE DIRTY.
THEY PUNCH EACH OTHER IN
170
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,624
THE BALLS,
FART ON EACH OTHER.
171
00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:58,392
GUYS ARE GROSS.
WE KNOW THAT.
172
00:05:58,392 --> 00:06:00,360
BUT WOMEN ACT LIKE THEY NEVER
DO ANYTHING IMMATURE.
173
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,430
AND IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT
WHO'S MORE LIKE A KID,
174
00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,131
SOMETIMES I THINK IT'S WOMEN.
AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,
175
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:05,365
I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU RIGHT NOW,
176
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:06,767
OKAY?
LET'S PLAY A LITTLE GAME.
177
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,135
IT'S CALLED
"GIRL OR LITTLE KID?"
178
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:09,970
I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE
OF A COUPLE THINGS.
179
00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:12,440
TRY TO FIGURE OUT IF I'M TALKING
ABOUT A GIRL OR A LITTLE KID.
180
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,974
[ LAUGHTER ]
181
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,676
OKAY?
CRIES FOR NO REASON, FALLS DOWN
182
00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:17,310
ALL THE TIME, BRUISES EASILY,
183
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:18,746
CAN'T DRIVE, HAS NO MONEY --
184
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:21,081
KID OR GIRL?
WHOA, PRETTY CLOSE.
185
00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:23,116
[ LAUGHTER ]
186
00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:25,686
GETS LOST ALL THE TIME,
GIVES BAD DIRECTIONS,
187
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,287
CAN'T LIFT HEAVY SHIT
-- WHOA, KID OR GIRL?
188
00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:28,522
PHOTO FINISH. I DON'T KNOW.
189
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,223
I DON'T KNOW.
190
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:32,760
WEARS PAJAMAS, WAKES YOU UP
IF THEY HAD A NIGHTMARE,
191
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:34,327
SOMETIMES
YELLS OUT, "DADDY!"
192
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:36,163
I COULD GO ALL NIGHT.
193
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:37,498
[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]
194
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:41,535
AND IF YOU STILL
DON'T BELIEVE ME,
195
00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:43,036
CALL ANY RESTAURANT
AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.
196
00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:44,805
9 TIMES OUT OF 10,
IF A GIRL ANSWERS, SHE'LL PUT
197
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,607
A GUY ON THE PHONE, RIGHT?
I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY
198
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,976
RESTAURANTS I'VE CALLED.
I'M LIKE, "HEY,
HOW DO YOU GET THERE?"
199
00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:51,812
THE GIRL'S LIKE,
"UH, I DON'T KNOW.
I GOT TO GO FIND SOMEBODY."
200
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:54,281
I'M LIKE, "WELL, HOW THE FUCK
DID YOU GET THERE?"
201
00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:56,416
[ LAUGHTER ]
202
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,651
[ APPLAUSE ]
203
00:06:57,651 --> 00:06:59,119
IS THAT HOW GIRLS FIND JOBS?
204
00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:01,722
YOU JUST DRIVE AROUND --
"I AM SO LOST.
205
00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,123
I AM, LIKE, SO LOST.
206
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:04,658
I GUESS I WORK HERE NOW."
207
00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:07,127
[ LAUGHTER ]
208
00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:09,162
AND THEN IF YOU DO GET
DIRECTIONS FROM A GIRL,
209
00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:10,798
IT'S SOME WEIRD
LANDMARK-BASED DIRECTIONS.
210
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:12,232
YOU CAN'T FIGURE THE SHIT OUT.
211
00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:13,467
IT'S LIKE TALKING TO A KID.
212
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:15,569
IT'S JUST SHAPES AND COLORS.
213
00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:17,104
"I DON'T KNOW THE AREA.
214
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:18,906
HAT'S WHY I'M CALLING
FOR DIRECTIONS.
215
00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:20,574
YOU'RE TALKING TO ME LIKE
I LIVE DOWN THE STREET."
216
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:22,142
"OH, GO DOWN THE BUMPY PART,
YOU KNOW,
217
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:23,811
WHERE IT GETS CURLY
AND THE THREE TREES
218
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:25,112
AND THE BIRDHOUSE?"
WHAT THE FUCK?
219
00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:29,016
"WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE STREET?"
220
00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:30,584
"I DON'T KNOW, BUT BEHIND THE
STREET SIGN IS THE BIRDHOUSE.
221
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,152
YOU'LL SEE IT."
[ LAUGHTER ]
222
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,921
"I'M GONNA BEAT DOWN
THAT BIRDHOUSE
223
00:07:33,921 --> 00:07:35,556
SO YOU CAN'T GET TO WORK,
BITCH."
224
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:36,990
[ LAUGHTER ]
225
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:42,462
OH, GOD.
226
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:45,398
I'M 28 YEARS OLD.
EVERYONE THINKS
I'M YOUNGER THAN I AM.
227
00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:47,000
IT'S SO ANNOYING, YOU KNOW?
228
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,302
IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A GOOD
THING, ESPECIALLY WITH GIRLS,
229
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,705
LIKE, 'CAUSE EVERY GIRL WANTS
A GUY THAT CAN ROUGH THEM UP
A LITTLE BIT, RIGHT?
230
00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:55,843
NOT IN A SCARY WAY,
JUST KIND OF IN A --
"OOH, YOU'RE A MAN. YEAH. OOH!"
231
00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:58,111
AND SOMETIMES GIRLS DON'T
THINK I CAN DO THAT.
232
00:07:58,111 --> 00:07:59,913
I CAN.
DON'T TAKE MY BABY FACE FOR
233
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:01,649
BEING A BITCH.
I WILL PULL YOUR HAIR, OKAY?
234
00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:03,283
[ LAUGHTER ]
235
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:06,153
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
236
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:07,755
AND I'LL DO IT RIGHT.
237
00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:09,022
HERE'S A FREE HAIR-PULLING TIP,
238
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,490
'CAUSE A LOT OF YOU GUYS HAVE
239
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,359
BEEN PULLING YOUR GIRL'S HAIR
240
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:14,061
WRONG AND SHE'S TOO SCARED TO
TELL YOU HOW TO DO IT RIGHT,
241
00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:15,896
OKAY?
SO, HERE'S A FREE HAIR-PULLING
242
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:17,765
TIP FROM K.T.
FIRST OF ALL, IF YOUR GIRL HAS
243
00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:19,667
LONG HAIR, DON'T PULL ON
THE ENDS OF IT LIKE YOU'RE
244
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:20,934
SANTA CLAUS PULLING REINDEER,
245
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,536
LIKE, "ON DANCER, ON PRANCER."
246
00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:23,771
AND SHE'S LIKE,
"OW, OW, MY NECK!
247
00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:26,607
AAH, I DON'T LIKE IT! AAH!"
248
00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:28,108
OKAY?
YOU GOT TO GRAB RIGHT HERE,
249
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,777
RIGHT AT THE BACK,
AT THE BASE.
250
00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:31,679
JUST KIND OF SQUEEZE AND JUST --
"UNH!"
251
00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:33,013
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
252
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:36,083
YEAH, THESE WHORES KNOW.
YEAH.
253
00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:38,285
YOU GRAB RIGHT HERE AND JUST
SQUEEZE, JUST, "UNH!"
254
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:40,888
YOU GOT TO SCARE THE SHIT OUT
OF HER, OKAY?
255
00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:43,223
LIKE, GIRLS WANT TO BE ALMOST
RAPED -- LIKE RAPED BUT KNOW
256
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:45,893
YOUR NAME, YOU KNOW?
LIKE, "AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!
257
00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:48,095
WHO IS THAT?
OH, IT'S STILL YOU. OKAY.
258
00:08:48,095 --> 00:08:50,430
AAH! YAY!"
259
00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:52,232
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
260
00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:57,905
IT'S LIKE A FINE LINE, YOU KNOW?
261
00:08:57,905 --> 00:09:00,173
IT'S LIKE A RAPE-ETTE.
NOW, DON'T TRY IT ON BLACK
262
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:02,109
CHICKS AFTER THEY JUST
GOT THEIR HAIR DID.
263
00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:04,578
I TRIED IT ON A BLACK CHICK.
SHE RAPEDME.
264
00:09:04,578 --> 00:09:05,679
[ LAUGHTER ]
265
00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:06,780
[ CHUCKLES ]
266
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,949
NIGERIAN HAIR -- YOU KNOW.
267
00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:12,786
SO, I'M 28.
EVERYONE THINKS I'M YOUNGER.
268
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:14,387
IT'S ANNOYING.
I -- YOU KNOW, I GET CARDED
269
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:15,656
FOR WEIRD SHIT ALL THE TIME.
270
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:17,024
I GOT CARDED ON THE AIRPLANE.
271
00:09:17,024 --> 00:09:18,759
YOU KNOW HOW EMBARRASSING
THAT IS?
272
00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:20,360
I'M SITTING IN
THE EMERGENCY-EXIT ROW.
273
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,162
THE LADY COMES OVER.
"EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE.
274
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,131
YOU'RE SITTING IN THE
EMERGENCY-EXIT ROW.
275
00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:25,398
IF YOU ARE WILLING TO OR UNABLE
TO PERFORM -- WHOA!
276
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,901
HOW OLD ARE YOU?"
277
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:30,604
DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW OLD YOU
HAVE TO BE TO SIT IN
278
00:09:30,604 --> 00:09:33,206
THE EMERGENCY-EXIT ROW?
15.
279
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:38,679
15! I'M 28. 15?
WHAT THE FUCK?
280
00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:42,282
THAT MEANS SHE THOUGHT THERE'S
A POSSIBILITY I COULD BE 14.
281
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:43,817
[ LAUGHTER ]
282
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:45,753
I DON'T HAVE THE BODY HAIR
TO PROVE THAT.
283
00:09:45,753 --> 00:09:49,723
LIKE, I'M HALF-ASIAN --
NO ARM HAIR, HAPPY TRAIL --
MAYBE NEXT YEAR, SORRY.
284
00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:51,058
[ LAUGHS ]
285
00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:52,392
[ LAUGHTER ]
286
00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:55,428
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
287
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,097
AND THEN IT GETS WORSE.
288
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,932
THE PLANE LANDS.
EVERYONE'S CROWDED BY THE GATE.
289
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:02,235
I GET MISTAKEN FOR A GIRL.
290
00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:03,837
A GIRL.
291
00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:05,538
DO YOU KNOW HOW DAMAGING
IT IS TO YOUR MANHOOD,
292
00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:07,540
PSYCHOLOGICALLY,
WHEN YOU'RE FULLY GROWN,
293
00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:09,176
YOU'RE STANDING
WITH ALL THESE OTHER --
294
00:10:09,176 --> 00:10:10,844
THIS IS FULLY GROWN,
BY THE WAY, APPARENTLY.
295
00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:12,746
YOU'RE STANDING WITH
ALL THESE PEOPLE.
296
00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:15,348
THIS TALL BLACK DUDE COMES UP
BEHIND ME, CUPS ME IN A LITTLE
297
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:20,587
NO-NO ZONE, WHISPERS INTO MY
EAR, "EXCUSE ME, BABY GIRL."
298
00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:23,290
I'M LIKE...
299
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:25,926
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
300
00:10:28,762 --> 00:10:31,965
I'M LIKE, "DID THAT
JUST FUCKING HAPPEN?"
301
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,667
I TURN LIKE THIS.
HE CHECKS ME OUT.
302
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:35,168
HE'S LIKE,
"OH, MY FAULT, DAWG."
303
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:36,569
[ LAUGHTER ]
304
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:39,239
"MY FAULT, DAWG"?
THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GONNA SAY?
305
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:43,243
WHAT ABOUT THE 300 PEOPLE JUST
SAW YOU DO THAT SHIT?
306
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:45,212
WHAT ABOUT MY BONER?
307
00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:46,579
[ LAUGHTER ]
308
00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:47,715
MY NAME'S K.T.
THANKS A LOT.
309
00:10:47,715 --> 00:10:48,882
YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.
310
00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:50,183
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
311
00:10:57,858 --> 00:11:01,061
THIS NEXT PERFORMER
IS AN AMAZING DANCER.
312
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:03,630
PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR
ALLISON KYLER.
313
00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:05,032
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
314
00:11:05,032 --> 00:11:06,900
[ BASS GUITAR PLAYING ]
315
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:12,773
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
316
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,450
* MY, OH, MY *
317
00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:25,652
* WONDER WHY *
318
00:11:25,652 --> 00:11:27,821
* AFTERNOON *
319
00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,589
* OVERTIME *
320
00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:31,825
* SECOND SHIFT *
321
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,994
* CORPORAL ABUSE *
322
00:11:33,994 --> 00:11:35,729
* WHEN I'M DOWN *
323
00:11:35,729 --> 00:11:38,498
* WHAT TO DO? *
324
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:40,633
* I NEED MY JA-JA *
325
00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:42,770
* I NEED MY JA-JA *
326
00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:44,838
* I NEED MY JA-JA *
327
00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:47,107
* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *
328
00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:49,309
[ INSTRUMENTAL SOLO ]
329
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,650
* SANCTIFY *
330
00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:59,719
* CRITICIZE *
331
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:01,855
* HOLY WAR *
332
00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:03,891
* WHO DIED? *
333
00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:05,993
* SQUEAKY CLEAN *
334
00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:08,395
* WHERE'S THE JUICE? *
335
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,463
* WHAT'S UP NOW? *
336
00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:12,432
* ME AND YOU *
337
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:14,601
* I NEED MY JA-JA *
338
00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:16,669
* I NEED MY JA-JA *
339
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:18,806
* I NEED MY JA-JA *
340
00:12:18,806 --> 00:12:21,108
* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *
341
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,310
[ INSTRUMENTAL SOLO ]
342
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:55,809
* UNH *
343
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:56,877
* UNH *
344
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:57,945
* UNH *
345
00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,212
* UNH *
346
00:12:59,212 --> 00:13:00,547
* UNH *
347
00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:03,150
* UNH *
* UNH *
348
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:06,119
* I DON'T WANT IT TO HEAL
MY LOVE, BABY *
349
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:10,223
* I DON'T NEED IT TO HELP ME
RIGHT NOW *
350
00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:14,361
* I DON'T WANT IT TO HEAL MY
LOVE, BABY *
351
00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:19,499
* I DON'T NEED IT TO HELP ME
RIGHT NOW *
352
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:21,468
* I NEED MY JA-JA *
353
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:23,570
* I NEED MY JA-JA *
354
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,638
* I NEED MY JA-JA *
355
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,908
* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH *
356
00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:30,110
[ INSTRUMENTAL SOLO ]
357
00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:47,961
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
358
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:50,163
[ TEMPO DECREASES ]
359
00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:59,106
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
360
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:02,275
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
361
00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:08,615
I THINK MY FAVORITE COMEDIANS
ARE LIKE MAYBE LIKE DAVID SPADE
362
00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:11,684
AND BRIAN REGAN AND -- YEAH,
ANYBODY WHO'S, LIKE, REALLY
363
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:14,487
SARCASTIC AND HAS DRY HUMOR.
THAT'S, LIKE, MY THING.
364
00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:16,957
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
365
00:14:16,957 --> 00:14:20,093
WOW.
I MEAN, SHE WAS EITHER REALLY
366
00:14:20,093 --> 00:14:22,162
SEXY, OR SHE WAS HAVING
A SEIZURE.
367
00:14:22,162 --> 00:14:23,596
I'M NOT QUITE SURE.
368
00:14:23,596 --> 00:14:24,764
[ LAUGHS ]
369
00:14:24,764 --> 00:14:25,899
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
370
00:14:25,899 --> 00:14:27,800
[ LAUGHS ] REALLY?
371
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,569
ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT
COMEDIAN IS FROM
372
00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:31,538
THE THRIVING
METROPOLIS OF MISSISSIPPI.
373
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:34,841
PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR TIG NOTARO.
374
00:14:34,841 --> 00:14:36,009
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
375
00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:37,544
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
376
00:14:44,417 --> 00:14:45,885
[ CHEERING ]
377
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:50,723
THANK YOU, AND GOOD NIGHT.
378
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:53,360
[ LAUGHTER ]
379
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:54,995
HOW'S IT GOING?
380
00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:57,697
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
381
00:14:57,697 --> 00:15:01,668
AH. I LIVE, UH --
I LIVE IN LOS ANGELES.
382
00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:05,538
UM, I LIVE OUT IN VENICE,
IF ANYBODY WANTS TO SWING BY.
383
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:07,274
[ LAUGHTER ]
384
00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,476
I, UH -- I WAS WALKING
THROUGH MY NEIGHBORHOOD.
385
00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:13,446
I WAS WALKING DOWN THE SIDEWALK,
AND I WAS PASSING THIS GUY.
386
00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:16,683
AND RIGHT WHEN WE WERE PASSING
EACH OTHER, HE SAID TO ME --
387
00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:21,021
RIGHT WHEN WE WERE PASSING
EACH OTHER, HE SAID, "AH.
388
00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:22,855
THEM ARE LITTLE TITTIES."
389
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:24,557
[ LAUGHTER ]
390
00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:31,464
"I THOUGHT YOU WAS A MAN."
391
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:33,066
[ LAUGHTER ]
392
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:36,269
AND IT'S LIKE, "OKAY.
393
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:39,039
OKAY IF YOU THINK THAT.
394
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:42,142
AND OKAY IF YOU SAY THAT...
395
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:43,576
TO YOURSELF."
396
00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:45,312
[ LAUGHTER ]
397
00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:51,118
BUT THAT THOUGHT HAD TO GO
398
00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:53,953
THROUGH SEVERAL LAYERS OF
399
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:58,591
FILTERS IN HIS MIND
400
00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:01,028
AND A CHECKLIST.
401
00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:03,563
AND HE STILL DECIDED...
402
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,567
"YEAH, I'M GONNA NEED
TO SAY THIS."
403
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:10,003
[ LAUGHTER ]
404
00:16:10,003 --> 00:16:12,105
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
405
00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,645
LIKE, THINK OF --
THINK OF ALL
406
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:20,780
THE THINGS HE DECIDED
NOT TO SAY.
407
00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:22,582
[ LAUGHTER ]
408
00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:26,353
THINGS LIKE,
"GOOD AFTERNOON"...
409
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,759
OR, UM...
410
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:35,162
"OH, I WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING,
411
00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:37,064
BUT I DECIDED NOT TO."
412
00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:38,998
[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]
413
00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:47,240
NOPE. HE WENT WITH,
414
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:51,944
"AH. THEM ARE LITTLE TITTIES."
415
00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:54,181
[ LAUGHTER ]
416
00:16:57,117 --> 00:16:59,686
"I THOUGHT YOU WAS A MAN."
417
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:07,294
IT'S -- IT'S FUNNY,
'CAUSE I'M --
418
00:17:07,294 --> 00:17:10,097
I'M TORN ABOUT THAT JOKE...
419
00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:11,731
WHEN YOU LAUGH...
420
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:13,733
[ LAUGHTER ]
421
00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:15,235
[ CHUCKLES ]
422
00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:17,104
...'CAUSE I'M LIKE,
"ALL RI-- OHH."
423
00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:19,806
[ LAUGHTER ]
424
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:22,475
"THAT'S RIGHT."
425
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:24,177
I, UH -- I WAS IN NEW YORK,
426
00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:25,712
AND I NEVER KNOW MY WAY
AROUND THE CITY,
427
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:27,680
NO MATTER HOW MANY
TIMES I GO.
428
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,617
AND, UM, SO, I GO PAST THIS BAR
AT LIKE 2:00 IN THE MORNING.
429
00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:32,452
A COUPLE OF GUYS
ARE WALKING OUT.
430
00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:35,322
AND I WAS LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU
KNOW WHERE THE SUBWAY IS?"
431
00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:36,989
AND THIS ONE GUY JUST,
LIKE,
432
00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:39,359
LUNGES TOWARDS ME,
AND HE'S LIKE,
433
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:44,497
"WILL YOU KISS ME?
WILL YOU MAKE OUT WITH ME?"
434
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:49,068
AND HIS FRIEND WAS LIKE,
"NO, DUDE.
435
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:50,770
SHE'S GOT A BAD HAIRCUT."
436
00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:52,505
[ LAUGHTER ]
437
00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:59,812
I LOVE THAT MY HAIRCUT WAS SO
BAD THAT IT SAVED ME.
438
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:02,449
[ LAUGHTER ]
439
00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:04,517
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
440
00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:14,227
IT SAVED ME FROM BEING VIOLENTLY
441
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:16,496
SEXUALLY ASSAULTED.
442
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:19,432
LIKE, I'M BEEN GETTING
MY HAIRCUT, GOING,
443
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:20,933
"YOU SURE THIS
IS GONNA DO IT?"
444
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:23,470
[ LAUGHTER ]
445
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:24,604
AH.
446
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:27,274
I WANT TO HAVE KIDS,
YOU GUYS.
447
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:29,709
I WANT TO HAVE KIDS
WITH ALL OF YOU.
448
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:31,411
[ CHEERING ]
449
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:33,180
I THINK WE'RE GONNA --
I THINK
450
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:35,748
WE'RE GONNA MAKE GREAT PARENTS.
451
00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:37,950
I DO.
I THINK I'M GONNA HAVE TO GET
452
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,252
ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED.
453
00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:41,788
I LOVE THAT IT'S CALLED THAT...
454
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,556
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
455
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:47,360
...'CAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE
NOT GETTING INSEMINATED.
456
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:49,196
YOU'RE GETTING INSEMINATED.
457
00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:51,198
IF IT WAS ARTIFICIAL,
YOU'D GO
458
00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,266
IN FOR YOUR DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT
459
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:55,268
AND THEY'D INSERT ONE OF THOSE
460
00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:57,770
SPONGE CREATURES INSIDE
OF YOU...
461
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:58,905
[ LAUGHTER ]
462
00:18:58,905 --> 00:19:02,074
...THAT EXPANDS.
463
00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:04,411
AND THEN NINE MONTHS LATER...
464
00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:06,413
[ IMITATES EXPLOSION ]
465
00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:08,080
"A VELOCIRAPTOR!"
466
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,116
[ LAUGHTER ]
467
00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:12,719
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
468
00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:17,624
"HEY, SOMEBODY ARTIFICIALLY
INSEMINATED ME.
469
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:21,093
WHO IS THE WISE GUY?"
470
00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:23,162
[ LAUGHTER ]
471
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,932
[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]
472
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:28,335
BUT I ALSO LOVE THE IDEA
OF GETTING ARTIFICIALLY
473
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:31,404
INSEMINATED
AND THEN JUST GIVING
474
00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:33,105
IT UP FOR ADOPTION...
475
00:19:33,105 --> 00:19:35,208
[ LAUGHTER ]
476
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:37,610
...BEING LIKE,
"YOU KNOW, IT TURNS OUT
477
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,579
I DON'T WANT THAT
CHILD AFTER ALL."
478
00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:44,684
SEND IT OFF TO LIVE
IN AN ORPHANAGE.
479
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:46,919
[ CHUCKLES ]
480
00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:50,657
IT'S A SPONGE DINOSAUR THAT I --
481
00:19:50,657 --> 00:19:52,925
IF I DROPPED OFF A SPONGE
AND I WAS LIKE,
482
00:19:52,925 --> 00:19:55,328
"LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO
RAISE THIS"...
483
00:19:57,564 --> 00:20:00,166
THEY'D BE LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT, CRAZY,
484
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:01,901
WE'LL TAKE IT FROM HERE."
485
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:03,770
THEY'D PROBABLY JUST TAKE
THE SPONGE
486
00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:06,205
INSIDE AND CLEAN OFF
THE ORPHANS.
487
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:07,907
EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE.
488
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,644
I LOVE GETTING UPDATES
FROM MY FRIENDS
489
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:14,981
THAT ALL HAVE KIDS,
ALL THE E-MAILS
490
00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:17,984
AND PHOTOS THAT THEY SEND.
491
00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:19,752
I LOVE GETTING THOSE.
492
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:21,421
WHAT I CAN'T STAND IS
THE QUESTION THAT COMES ALONG
493
00:20:21,421 --> 00:20:23,790
WITH THAT.
"CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
494
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:30,263
CAITLIN IS STARTING
KINDERGARTEN THIS YEAR.
495
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:32,399
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?"
496
00:20:37,103 --> 00:20:40,740
"I DON'T KNOW.
497
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:43,876
I MEAN, WHAT IS SHE --
ABOUT 5?
498
00:20:43,876 --> 00:20:45,878
[ APPLAUSE ]
499
00:20:54,954 --> 00:20:57,557
THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.
500
00:20:57,557 --> 00:20:59,392
YEAH, I CAN BELIEVE THAT."
501
00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:01,093
I'M LIKE, IF THEY WERE TO
502
00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:05,498
CONTACT ME AND BE LIKE,
"CAITLIN HAS NEVER GROWN
503
00:21:05,498 --> 00:21:10,503
ANY BIGGER SINCE
THE DAY SHE WAS BORN,
504
00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:15,975
NEVER SPOKEN A WORD AT ALL
IN HER LIFE.
505
00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:18,978
SHE'S GRADUATING
FROM COLLEGE TODAY.
506
00:21:21,481 --> 00:21:23,416
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?"
507
00:21:23,416 --> 00:21:25,585
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
508
00:21:30,222 --> 00:21:32,158
I'D BE LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD.
509
00:21:32,158 --> 00:21:34,527
NO, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
510
00:21:34,527 --> 00:21:37,163
SEND MORE PHOTOS."
511
00:21:37,163 --> 00:21:38,431
ANYWAY, MY NAME IS TIG.
512
00:21:38,431 --> 00:21:39,666
THANKS SO MUCH.
513
00:21:39,666 --> 00:21:41,801
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
514
00:21:48,207 --> 00:21:49,642
[ LAUGHS ]
515
00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:51,210
OH.
516
00:21:51,210 --> 00:21:55,181
SO, PEOPLE SEND ME PHOTOS
OF THEIR BABIES ALL THE TIME.
517
00:21:55,181 --> 00:21:56,716
NOW, AS LONG AS YOU DON'T SEND
518
00:21:56,716 --> 00:21:58,050
ME PHOTOS OF
YOU MAKING A BABY,
519
00:21:58,050 --> 00:21:59,552
I AM OKAY.
520
00:21:59,552 --> 00:22:01,354
AND SPEAKING OF MAKING A BABY,
521
00:22:01,354 --> 00:22:04,524
I HAVE A FRIEND WHO MADE A SEX
TAPE THAT GOT ONLINE.
522
00:22:04,524 --> 00:22:07,293
IT'S SCARY HOW STUFF SPREADS
OVER THE INTERNET.
523
00:22:07,293 --> 00:22:08,661
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, NOW EVERY
524
00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:10,363
TIME SHE INSTANT-MESSAGES ME,
525
00:22:10,363 --> 00:22:11,931
MY COMPUTER GETS A VIRUS.
526
00:22:11,931 --> 00:22:13,199
[ AUDIENCE GROANS ]
527
00:22:13,199 --> 00:22:14,834
[ LAUGHS ]
528
00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:16,436
I DON'T WRITE THE JOKES, GUYS.
529
00:22:16,436 --> 00:22:17,904
[ LAUGHS ]
530
00:22:17,904 --> 00:22:19,706
[ LAUGHTER ]
531
00:22:19,706 --> 00:22:22,609
ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT LADY
IS GONNA BRING A LITTLE SPANISH
532
00:22:22,609 --> 00:22:24,110
SPIRIT TO OUR STAGE.
533
00:22:24,110 --> 00:22:26,379
PLEASE WELCOME LOLA!
534
00:22:27,447 --> 00:22:29,382
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
535
00:22:32,719 --> 00:22:36,088
* THERE'S STILL SMOKE
IN THIS CITY *
536
00:22:36,088 --> 00:22:38,691
* THERE'S STILL CRACKS
BEHIND THE PAINT *
537
00:22:38,691 --> 00:22:41,894
* BLOODSHOT EYES
IN PARKS AND ALLEYS *
538
00:22:41,894 --> 00:22:44,897
* COME ALIVE WHEN THE DAY
IS DONE *
539
00:22:44,897 --> 00:22:47,934
* MIDNIGHT LIFE,
BEAT OF RHYTHM *
540
00:22:47,934 --> 00:22:51,103
* MOTION IN THE SUMMER HEAT *
541
00:22:51,103 --> 00:22:54,306
* PRETTY GIRLS
IN THE TIGHT-FIT LEVI'S *
542
00:22:54,306 --> 00:22:57,043
* WEAKENIN' YOUR KNEES *
543
00:22:57,043 --> 00:22:58,377
* YEAH *
544
00:22:58,377 --> 00:22:59,479
* YEAH *
545
00:22:59,479 --> 00:23:00,980
* ALL RIGHT *
546
00:23:00,980 --> 00:23:03,182
* COME ON, GIMME SOME ACTION *
547
00:23:03,182 --> 00:23:04,517
* YEAH *
548
00:23:04,517 --> 00:23:05,618
* YEAH *
549
00:23:05,618 --> 00:23:06,953
* ALL RIGHT *
550
00:23:06,953 --> 00:23:09,221
* I SAID GIMME SOME ACTION *
551
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:10,490
* YEAH *
552
00:23:10,490 --> 00:23:11,591
* YEAH *
553
00:23:11,591 --> 00:23:13,225
* ALL RIGHT *
554
00:23:13,225 --> 00:23:15,728
* THERE'S NO LIFE IN THIS CITY *
555
00:23:15,728 --> 00:23:18,164
* THERE WERE PUNKS ONCE
ON THIS STREET *
556
00:23:18,164 --> 00:23:21,534
* THEY GREW UP
AND BOUGHT THE BUILDINGS *
557
00:23:21,534 --> 00:23:24,671
* THAT THEY TRASHED
IN THE 1970s *
558
00:23:24,671 --> 00:23:27,540
* ROCK 'N' ROLL AND GRAFFITI *
559
00:23:27,540 --> 00:23:30,677
* WASHIN' OFF THE POLES
AND WALLS *
560
00:23:30,677 --> 00:23:33,646
* THE MORE I THINK
ABOUT THIS CITY *
561
00:23:33,646 --> 00:23:36,483
* THE MORE I THINK IT'S LOST *
562
00:23:36,483 --> 00:23:37,950
* YEAH *
563
00:23:37,950 --> 00:23:39,218
* YEAH *
564
00:23:39,218 --> 00:23:40,620
* ALL RIGHT *
565
00:23:40,620 --> 00:23:42,822
* COME ON, GIMME SOME ACTION *
566
00:23:42,822 --> 00:23:44,190
* YEAH *
567
00:23:44,190 --> 00:23:45,291
* YEAH *
568
00:23:45,291 --> 00:23:46,659
* ALL RIGHT *
569
00:23:46,659 --> 00:23:48,828
* YOU GOT TO GIMME SOME ACTION *
570
00:23:48,828 --> 00:23:50,196
* YEAH *
571
00:23:50,196 --> 00:23:51,297
* YEAH *
572
00:23:51,297 --> 00:23:54,534
* ALL RIGHT *
573
00:23:54,534 --> 00:23:56,268
* TAKE ME BACK *
574
00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:57,637
* TAKE ME BACK *
575
00:24:00,306 --> 00:24:03,610
* BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND *
576
00:24:07,046 --> 00:24:08,781
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
577
00:24:16,222 --> 00:24:20,660
* I STILL HEAR STEREOS
ON THESE STREETS *
578
00:24:22,194 --> 00:24:26,733
* THE CORNERS STAY CROWDED
AND ALIVE *
579
00:24:28,234 --> 00:24:29,468
* YEAH *
580
00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:31,070
* YEAH *
581
00:24:31,070 --> 00:24:32,438
* ALL RIGHT *
582
00:24:32,438 --> 00:24:34,206
* COME ON, GIMME SOME ACTION *
583
00:24:34,206 --> 00:24:35,608
* YEAH *
584
00:24:35,608 --> 00:24:36,776
* YEAH *
585
00:24:36,776 --> 00:24:38,310
* ALL RIGHT *
586
00:24:38,310 --> 00:24:40,412
* PLEASE GIMME SOME ACTION *
587
00:24:40,412 --> 00:24:41,981
* YEAH *
588
00:24:41,981 --> 00:24:43,082
* YEAH *
589
00:24:43,082 --> 00:24:44,617
* ALL RIGHT *
590
00:24:44,617 --> 00:24:46,318
* YOU GOT TO GIMME
SOME ACTION *
591
00:24:46,318 --> 00:24:48,020
* YEAH *
592
00:24:48,020 --> 00:24:50,156
* YEAH *
593
00:24:50,156 --> 00:24:52,525
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
594
00:25:04,303 --> 00:25:09,108
I HAD SOME REALLY PRETTY
AMAZING... NIGHTS,
595
00:25:09,108 --> 00:25:11,110
BUT THERE WAS ONE
IN PARTICULAR WHERE SOMEBODY
596
00:25:11,110 --> 00:25:14,046
LOST THEIR BODILY FUNCTIONS
ON THE DANCE FLOOR,
597
00:25:14,046 --> 00:25:15,447
AND THAT WAS
PRETTY FUNNY.
598
00:25:15,447 --> 00:25:17,183
[ LAUGHS ]
599
00:25:17,183 --> 00:25:19,018
OH.
600
00:25:21,788 --> 00:25:23,923
WOW. WELL,
IT WAS A GOOD THING THAT
601
00:25:23,923 --> 00:25:26,158
SHE WAS AMAZING,
BECAUSE IF SHE WASN'T,
602
00:25:26,158 --> 00:25:28,695
I WAS READY TO
CALL IMMIGRATION.
603
00:25:28,695 --> 00:25:30,129
[ LAUGHS ]
604
00:25:30,129 --> 00:25:31,598
THAT IS IT
FOR OUR SHOW TONIGHT.
605
00:25:31,598 --> 00:25:33,332
THANK YOU GUYS FOR COMING.
606
00:25:33,332 --> 00:25:36,068
I'M SHANNON ELIZABETH,
AND WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME!
607
00:25:36,068 --> 00:25:38,605
BUENAS NOCHES!
608
00:25:38,605 --> 00:25:40,973
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
41974
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