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1
00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:03,371
GUYS DON'T CALL WOMEN WHO
SLEEP AROUND SLUTS.
2
00:00:03,371 --> 00:00:05,273
UNH-UNH. WE JUST CALL THEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
3
00:00:05,273 --> 00:00:07,041
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
4
00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:09,877
THIS IS THE COOLEST SHOW
I'VE EVER BEEN ON.
THIS IS MY FANTASY.
5
00:00:09,877 --> 00:00:12,813
LIKE, IF I HAD A DREAM
ABOUT DOING COMEDY, THIS IS IT.
6
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:14,348
I HAVE TO DO STAND-UP COMEDY,
7
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:16,750
AND I'M JUST NOT SURE HOW
IT'S GONNA TURN OUT.
8
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:19,287
IF I MEET A WOMAN
AND SHE HAS A NICE ASS,
9
00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:20,621
SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.
10
00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:22,623
I FEEL LIBERATED
WHEN I GET NAKED.
11
00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:25,393
SO IT'S BEEN
A GREAT EXPERIENCE.
12
00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:27,695
BUT IF I MEET A WOMAN
AND SHE HAS A GREAT ASS,
13
00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:29,430
SHE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL.
14
00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:31,932
AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE,
IF I WASN'T WEARING THESE,
15
00:00:31,932 --> 00:00:33,534
I WOULD BE NAKED.
16
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,436
I HAVE NEVER WORKED
WITH SHANNON ELIZABETH BEFORE.
17
00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:37,705
I'M YOUR HOST,
SHANNON ELIZABETH.
18
00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:40,174
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
19
00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:42,810
WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY."
20
00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:45,146
THE JITTERS ARE GONE.
EXCITEMENT'S KICKING IN.
21
00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:46,847
ENERGY -- YOU CAN FEEL IT.
22
00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:48,216
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
23
00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:50,784
I'M, UH -- I'M --
I'M TAKING A NAP.
24
00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:52,553
[ ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES ]
25
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:58,359
IT'S FUN TO GET NAKED.
[ LAUGHS ]
26
00:00:58,359 --> 00:01:00,794
* I'LL DO IT, TOO *
27
00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:04,365
[ ANNOUNCER ] LADIES
AND GENTLEMAN, YOUR HOST
FOR "LIVE NUDE COMEDY,"
28
00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:06,400
SHANNON ELIZABETH!
29
00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:11,004
WELCOME!
30
00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:12,706
WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY"!
31
00:01:12,706 --> 00:01:14,675
I'M YOUR HOST,
SHANNON ELIZABETH.
32
00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:18,346
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
33
00:01:18,346 --> 00:01:21,282
SO, TONIGHT YOU'RE GONNA SEE
BURLESQUE PERFORMERS
34
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:22,350
AND COMEDIANS AND --
35
00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:23,917
SHANNON ELIZABETH!
36
00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:26,687
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD!
AHH!
37
00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:28,055
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
38
00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:29,390
HI. UM...
39
00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:31,325
I JUST -- I'M SUCH A HUGE FAN.
40
00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:33,361
I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW.
I'M SUCH A HUGE FAN.
41
00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:35,062
OH, WOW,
YOU'RE -- YOU'RE NAKED.
42
00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:37,231
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE SO PRETTY.
43
00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:38,632
OH, THANK YOU.
44
00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:40,334
I SAW YOU ON
"DANCING WITH THE STARS."
45
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:42,136
SHE IS -- YOU WERE
AN AMAZING DANCER.
46
00:01:42,136 --> 00:01:43,571
SHE IS AN AMAZING DANCER.
47
00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:44,872
AWW, THANK YOU.
48
00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:46,507
I LOOK FORWARD
TO SEEING YOU PERFORM.
49
00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:48,276
I HAVE SEEN
ALL OF YOUR MOVIES.
50
00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,311
"LOVE ACTUALLY" --
OH, IT'S MY FAVORITE.
51
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:51,679
I HAVE A TATTOO OF COLIN FIRTH.
WANT TO SEE IT?
52
00:01:51,679 --> 00:01:53,046
OH, NO, NO!
I REALLY DON'T.
53
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,081
I'M KIND OF GOOD.
54
00:01:54,081 --> 00:01:55,949
OHH, BOY.
55
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,185
YEAH, UM, I'M GOOD.
56
00:01:57,185 --> 00:01:58,686
WHY DON'T YOU GO BACKSTAGE
57
00:01:58,686 --> 00:02:00,254
AND JUST FINISH
GETTING READY AND --
58
00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:01,655
OH. OKAY.
59
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:04,792
WELL, THAT'S
ACTUALLY GOOD PENMANSHIP.
60
00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,794
OH, COOL.
61
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:07,895
I -- JUST ONE LAST TIME.
62
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:09,129
OOH!
63
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,631
WOW, WOW, WOW.
I SEE BOOBIES.
64
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,733
I FEEL BOOBIES. OKAY.
[ LAUGHS ]
65
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:14,067
ALL RIGHT.
66
00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:15,903
OH, I THINK WE'RE
GOOD HERE, OKAY.
67
00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:16,904
OKAY, OKAY.
68
00:02:16,904 --> 00:02:17,905
BYE.
69
00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,473
SEE YOU LATER.
70
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,774
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
71
00:02:20,774 --> 00:02:22,310
[ LAUGHS ]
72
00:02:24,111 --> 00:02:25,779
WHOA.
73
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,683
I'M JUST GONNA GO
BACKSTAGE AND FIGURE OUT
74
00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:31,719
IF WHAT JUST HAPPENED
MAKES ME GAY.
75
00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:33,421
[ LAUGHTER ]
76
00:02:33,421 --> 00:02:35,456
WELL, ANY MORE GAY
THAN WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT.
77
00:02:35,456 --> 00:02:37,858
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
78
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,363
IN THE MEANTIME, OUR NEXT
PERFORMER IS FROM TEXAS.
79
00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:45,399
I AM ALSO FROM TEXAS.
SO, THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE
WE ARE RELATED.
80
00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:47,235
GIVE IT UP FOR HARRIS WITTELS!
81
00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:48,336
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
82
00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:50,471
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
83
00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:56,977
ALL RIGHT.
84
00:02:56,977 --> 00:02:59,012
YEAH!
85
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,449
THANKS. WOW.
86
00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:02,683
WHAT A SHOW, HUH?
87
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,485
A LOT OF -- THERE'S COMEDY,
88
00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:06,554
AND THEN THERE'S SEXY THINGS.
89
00:03:06,554 --> 00:03:09,257
BEFORE TONIGHT,
I NEVER KNEW
MY BONER COULD LAUGH.
90
00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:11,325
BUT I FOUND MY NEW PARTY TRICK.
91
00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:13,794
SO IT'S A WIN-WIN
RIGHT THERE.
92
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:15,963
I'VE BEEN KIND OF
BUMMED OUT RECENTLY
93
00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:20,668
'CAUSE MY DOG HAS ONE OF
THOSE CONES AROUND HIS HEAD.
94
00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:23,904
NO, 'CAUSE -- YEAH, HE GOT
INTO A FIGHT WITH ANOTHER DOG,
95
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:27,575
AND THE OTHER DOG PUT
A FUCKING CONE ON HIS HEAD.
96
00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:29,843
WHAT? THAT'S CRAZY.
97
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,879
THAT'S CRAZY.
98
00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,213
[ LAUGHTER ]
99
00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:38,986
WHERE ARE MY SINGLE HOS-ES AT?
100
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:42,122
ALL RIGHT, NOT A WHOLE LOT.
WAY TO BE FUCKING, EVERYBODY.
101
00:03:42,122 --> 00:03:45,526
WAY TO BE FUCKING.
WAY TO PAIR OFF.
102
00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:48,095
NO, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW,
SINGLE LADIES,
103
00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:49,997
THAT I CAN TIE A KNOT
104
00:03:49,997 --> 00:03:54,802
WITH A CHERRY STEM
USING JUST MY FUCKING HANDS.
105
00:03:54,802 --> 00:03:56,236
SO...
106
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,938
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
107
00:03:57,938 --> 00:04:02,276
YEAH, AND A LITTLE BONUS --
I WEAR X.L. CONDOMS.
108
00:04:02,276 --> 00:04:04,812
I WRAP THEM AROUND
THE BALLS AND PENIS.
109
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,079
IT'S THE SAFEST.
110
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,948
IT'S JUST THE SAFEST THING...
111
00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:09,049
I THINK.
112
00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:10,718
BE SMART.
113
00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:13,521
[ LAUGHS ]
114
00:04:13,521 --> 00:04:16,524
I NEVER UNDERSTOOD
THAT WHOLE CHERRY-STEM THING.
115
00:04:16,524 --> 00:04:18,326
I DON'T THINK A LOT OF WHAT,
116
00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:19,827
LIKE, TYPICAL MEN FIND SEXY --
117
00:04:19,827 --> 00:04:21,662
LIKE, IT JUST DOESN'T
DO IT FOR ME.
118
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:23,497
LIKE, I WAS AT A BAR
WITH A FRIEND RECENTLY,
119
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:24,965
AND HE KIND OF
SAUNTERED UP ALL DRUNK,
120
00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:26,900
AND HE'S LIKE,
"BRO, CHECK IT OUT."
121
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:28,636
AND I'M LIKE, "I DON'T LIKE
THAT WE ARE FRIENDS."
122
00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:31,004
AND, UH, HE WAS LIKE,
123
00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:33,073
"YEAH, I JUST MET THIS CHICK.
SHE'S FUCKING SUPER HOT,
124
00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:37,110
AND SHE CAN TIE A KNOT WITH
A CHERRY STEM IN HER MOUTH."
125
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,346
I WAS LIKE, "SO WHAT?"
126
00:04:38,346 --> 00:04:39,880
LIKE, IF YOU ACTUALLY TRANSLATED
127
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:42,215
LIKE THE MOTION OF
WHAT A GIRL IS DOING
128
00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:43,717
WHEN SHE'S TYING A KNOT
129
00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:45,586
WITH A CHERRY STEM
TO LIKE A BLOWJOB,
130
00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:48,221
SHE WOULD JUST BE LIKE
AWKWARDLY GNAWING ON YOUR PENIS.
131
00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:50,223
THAT'S ALL THAT
WOULD BE HAPPENING.
132
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:52,593
TIE IT -- IF YOU CAN TIE IT
WITH THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT,
133
00:04:52,593 --> 00:04:54,462
THAT'S LIKE A THING --
134
00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:57,030
THAT'S LIKE A SKILL SET
THAT I CAN GET BEHIND.
135
00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:59,967
BUT JUST REGULAR --
THAT SEEMS --
136
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:01,969
THAT SEEMS WEIRD TO ME.
137
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:04,705
[ APPLAUSE ]
138
00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:07,608
NO, I LIKE, UH,
GIRLS AND LADIES
139
00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:09,677
AND ALL THE THINGS
IN BETWEEN OF THOSE.
140
00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:12,913
BUT I'M NOT GOOD AT
TALKING TO THEM.
141
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:15,148
I DON'T -- I'M NOT GOOD AT
HITTING ON GIRLS BECAUSE
142
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:18,752
SOCIETY HAS BASICALLY
DESIGNATED LIKE BARS AND CLUBS
143
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,521
AS THE PLACES THAT
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO TO
144
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,255
LIKE MAKE IT HAPPEN, RIGHT?
145
00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:24,057
THAT'S WHERE WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO GO TO GET OUR FUCK ON.
146
00:05:24,057 --> 00:05:25,726
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
147
00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:27,561
BUT IT'S SO LOUD IN CLUBS.
148
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:29,129
THERE'S LIKE --
"UNST! UNST!" --
149
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:30,898
FUCKING HOUSE MUSIC AND SHIT,
150
00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:33,401
AND I CAN'T LIKE EFFECTIVELY
COMMUNICATE MY DUMB JOKE
151
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:35,035
TO THE GIRL
THAT I'M TRYING TO HIT ON.
152
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:36,804
YOU KNOW?
153
00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:38,639
AND I HAVE TO LIKE AWKWARDLY
REPEAT MYSELF 20 TIMES,
154
00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:40,107
AND I HAVE TO
CHANGE IT UP EVERY TIME
155
00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:41,909
SO I'M NOT JUST REPEATING
THE SAME THING,
156
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:43,577
UNTIL EVENTUALLY
IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE,
157
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:45,245
WHAT I'M SAYING, ANYMORE.
158
00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:47,147
I'M JUST YELLING WEIRD SHIT
AT SOME POOR GIRL.
159
00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:48,582
LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP?
160
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,718
YOU GOT A COUPLE
JAEGER BOMBS THERE, HUH?
161
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:53,987
THAT'S A LOT OF SUGAR.
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT DIABETIC."
162
00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:56,323
SHE LIKE, "WHAT?
I CAN'T HEAR YOU."
163
00:05:56,323 --> 00:05:57,858
I'M LIKE,
"THERE'S -- YOU HAVE --
164
00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,560
THERE'S A LOT OF
SUGAR IN THOSE DRINKS!
165
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:01,395
I HOPE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE
DIABETES!"
166
00:06:01,395 --> 00:06:03,030
SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT?"
167
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:06,066
I'M LIKE, "MY FRIEND'S FATHER
HAS DIABETES!"
168
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:07,501
SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT?"
169
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:10,871
"DIABETES! DIABETES!"
170
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,407
THAT'S THE THING SHE HEARS,
171
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:14,708
JUST THE LUNATIC
RUNNING UP TO HER
172
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:16,710
AND YELLING "DIABETES!" AT HER.
173
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:20,213
THAT'S LIKE A BAD OPENER.
THAT'S A BAD OPENER, GENTLEMEN.
174
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,915
HONESTLY, AT THAT POINT,
175
00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:24,117
YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST PUNCH HER
IN THE VAGINA BECAUSE --
176
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:25,919
NO, HEAR ME OUT --
177
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:28,422
BECAUSE SHE'S GONNA
WALK AWAY REGARDLESS.
178
00:06:28,422 --> 00:06:31,058
SO, AT LEAST THAT WAY, YOU GOT
SOME PUSSY OUT OF IT.
179
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,693
YOU GOT -- SERIOUSLY.
180
00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:34,962
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
181
00:06:37,465 --> 00:06:38,799
[ CHUCKLES ]
182
00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:41,068
WHERE'S ALL MY WEED HEADS AT?
183
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,235
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
184
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,204
GOD DAMN IT.
185
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:46,607
YOU GUYS LOVE PUBLICIZING
THAT INFORMATION
186
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:49,009
MORE THAN ANY OTHER DRUG.
187
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:52,546
THERE IS A GROUP THAT EXISTS
CALLED MARIJUANA ANONYMOUS.
188
00:06:52,546 --> 00:06:54,081
IT EXISTS. IT'S REAL.
189
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:56,083
IT'S FOR PEOPLE THAT HAVE
ADDICTIONS TO WEED.
190
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:57,785
AND I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.
191
00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,853
YOU CAN HAVE LIKE
AN EMOTIONAL ADDICTION TO POT.
192
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:02,656
WHAT I DON'T LIKE ABOUT
M.A., AS THEY CALL IT --
193
00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:04,458
THEY FUCKING --
194
00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:06,259
THEY TOOK SOME OF
THE 12 STEPS FROM A.A.,
195
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:07,528
FROM ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS.
196
00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:08,996
SOME OF THE STEPS SURPRISINGLY
197
00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:11,532
DON'T TRANSLATE
THAT WELL TO WEED,
198
00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:13,967
LIKE STEP 8, WHICH IS, UM,
199
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:16,804
APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE
THAT YOU'VE WRONGED
200
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:19,940
WHILE, UH, HIGH OR WHATEVER.
201
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,609
I WAS LIKE,
"THAT'S FUCKING STUPID."
202
00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:23,477
BUT I WAS LIKE,
203
00:07:23,477 --> 00:07:25,479
"ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVE YOU
THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT, M.A."
204
00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:27,881
SO I'VE DRAFTED UP
LIKE A LIST OF APOLOGIES
205
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:29,983
THAT I'D LIKE TO
ISSUE OUT TO PEOPLE
206
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:33,053
THAT I'VE DONE WRONG UNTO
WHILE UNDER MY WEED CRAVINGS.
207
00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:34,655
THANK YOU.
208
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:36,256
I'M BATTLING DEMONS.
THANKS FOR HELPING ME.
209
00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:40,160
UM...FIRST, I'M SORRY
THAT I TALKED ABOUT
210
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,596
THE ALLMAN BROTHERS BAND
FOR TWO HOURS.
211
00:07:42,596 --> 00:07:44,131
I'M SORRY.
212
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:46,567
[ LAUGHTER ]
213
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:48,769
UH, SECONDLY, UH,
214
00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:50,604
I'M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT
PUTTING BISQUICK
215
00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:52,205
AND WATER IN A MICROWAVE
216
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:54,675
WOULD ELICIT LIKE
A PANCAKE-LIKE TREAT.
217
00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:59,012
I WILL GET YOU
A NEW MICROWAVE, MAN.
218
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:00,914
AND THAT'S ACTUALLY
THE END OF THE LIST.
219
00:08:00,914 --> 00:08:02,916
THAT'S THE ONLY TWO THINGS
'CAUSE IT'S REALLY NOT
220
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:05,385
THAT BAD OF A THING,
IS MY POINT, YOU KNOW?
221
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:08,722
MY WORST ADDICTION, I THINK,
IS PROBABLY TEXT MESSAGING.
222
00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:10,858
I'M JUST LIKE
ALWAYS DOING IT.
223
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:12,893
IT'S KEEPING ME FROM
ENJOYING MY LIFE.
224
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:15,062
BUT IT ACTUALLY GOT SERIOUS
LIKE A COUPLE WEEKENDS AGO.
225
00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:17,197
I HAD LIKE A TEXT BINGE,
YOU KNOW?
226
00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:21,001
I WAS UP ALL NIGHT JUST
FUCKING TEXTING, NOSE BLEEDING,
227
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,903
WASN'T SLEEPING, HEART RACING.
228
00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:25,973
YEAH, I WAS ON COKE, TOO,
BUT I DON'T KNOW.
229
00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:27,541
WHO'S TO SAY?
WHO'S TO SAY?
230
00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:29,577
[ APPLAUSE ]
231
00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:33,847
LISTEN, I DON'T WANT TO
COME OFF AS A GUY
232
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,348
WHO JUST LIKE FUCKS
ALL THE TIME
233
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:36,984
AND THEN BRAGS ABOUT IT,
234
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:40,988
BUT LISTEN -- SOMETIMES
A GIRL WILL ALLOW ME
235
00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:42,956
TO LIKE PUT MYSELF INTO HER,
236
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:44,858
AND I AM THANKFUL FOR THAT,
AND I SAY, "THANK YOU."
237
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:48,061
AND -- BUT RECENTLY
THAT HAPPENED,
238
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:49,797
AND IT WAS LIKE THE FIRST TIME
239
00:08:49,797 --> 00:08:51,531
THAT A GIRL WAS TELLING ME
240
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:54,534
TO BE LIKE OUTWARDLY MEAN TO HER
DURING THE ACT, YOU KNOW?
241
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,637
SHE WAS LIKE,
"CALL ME A WHORE,
242
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:58,739
AND CALL ME A SLUT,"
AND ALL THAT.
243
00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:01,709
AND, UH -- AND AT FIRST I HAD
TO FIGHT THE URGE
244
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:04,277
TO JUST HELP HER FEEL BETTER
ABOUT WHO SHE IS,
245
00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:08,481
WHICH WAS MY INITIAL INSTINCT
AS A HUMAN WITH EMPATHY.
246
00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:10,317
BUT THAT'S BAD FOR THE MOOD.
247
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:14,755
SO, I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
THIS IS HER HOME TURF, YOU KNOW?
248
00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,590
I'LL PLAY BY HER RULES."
249
00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:19,326
SO THEN I KIND OF STARTED LIKE
AWKWARDLY, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
250
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:22,562
NERVOUSLY, JEWISHLY BEING LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE --
251
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:25,365
YOU'RE A WHORE.
YOU ARE A WHORE."
252
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:27,267
AND THEN I -- I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.
253
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,202
I THINK SOMETHING JUST LIKE
SNAPPED IN ME
254
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:31,739
'CAUSE I -- I LITERALLY
ACCIDENTALLY SAID,
255
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:34,507
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU."
256
00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:36,309
THAT'S WHAT I SAID TO HER.
257
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:39,112
AND, UH, I FEEL LIKE I MEANT IT.
I DON'T KNOW.
258
00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:41,014
IT WAS BIZARRE.
IT WAS BIZARRE.
259
00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:43,050
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE MORAL OF THAT TALE IS.
260
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:45,052
I THINK IT'S THAT
IF YOU ARE A WHORE,
261
00:09:45,052 --> 00:09:47,354
I DO HAVE
THE CAPACITY TO KILL YOU.
262
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:48,956
[ LAUGHTER ]
263
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:50,523
THANKS A LOT, EVERYONE.
YOU'VE BEEN GREAT.
264
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,693
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
265
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:00,701
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
266
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:02,770
WE HAVE SOME EDGY STUFF
ON THIS SHOW,
267
00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:04,371
BUT THIS NEXT PERFORMER
268
00:10:04,371 --> 00:10:07,875
IS A BIT CLEANER THAN
WHAT WE'RE USED TO.
269
00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:11,378
I MEAN, WELL, KIND --
YOU'LL SEE WHAT I MEAN.
270
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:14,214
PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR AURORA JOLIE.
271
00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:15,348
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
272
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,150
[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]
273
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,757
* I CONTEND THAT
IT'S TIME WELL SPENT *
274
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:25,425
* JUST AS REAL IN THE END *
275
00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:27,327
* EVEN THOUGH
WE'RE PRETENDING *
276
00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:29,730
* I CAN CHANGE,
WE CAN PLAY A NEW GAME *
277
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,264
* YOU CAN CALL OUT HER NAME *
278
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,266
* AND I WON'T BE OFFENDED *
279
00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:35,803
* I CAN MOVE,
I CAN SEE INTO YOU *
280
00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:37,470
* IN YOUR EYES I CAN FIND *
281
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,539
* WHAT YOU NEED ME
TO SET FREE *
282
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:41,675
* I CAN FEEL ALL THE LOOKS
THAT YOU STEAL *
283
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:45,112
* I CAN TAKE YOU AWAY
FROM THIS PLACE IF YOU LET ME *
284
00:10:45,112 --> 00:10:46,579
* I CAN DANCE, YEAH *
285
00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:47,881
* I CAN DANCE SLOW *
286
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:49,983
* SIT BACK AND RELAX *
287
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,952
* I CAN BE EXOTIC *
288
00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:53,486
* EROTIC *
289
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:56,523
* I CAN MAKE YOU
GET PSYCHOTIC *
290
00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:57,958
* I CAN BE SWEET *
291
00:10:57,958 --> 00:10:59,760
* IF THAT'S WHAT YOU PLEASE *
292
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,962
* I CAN GET DOWN ON MY KNEES *
293
00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:03,663
* BE YOUR CANDY STORE *
294
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,532
* COME IN THE BACK DOOR *
295
00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:08,001
* WE CAN USE
THE KITCHEN FLOOR *
296
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,103
* I CAN MAKE YOU SWEAT *
297
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:13,841
* TILL YOU FORGET EVERYONE
THAT CAME BEFORE *
298
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:16,844
* I CAN BE EXOTIC *
299
00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:19,546
* AH AH AH *
300
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:23,383
* I CAN BE EXOTIC *
301
00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:27,187
* AH AH AH *
302
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:29,689
* I CAN SENSE
WHEN YOUR BODY GETS TENSE *
303
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,158
* BY THE CURVE OF YOUR SPINE *
304
00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:33,160
* AND YOUR TWISTED INTENTIONS *
305
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,729
* I CAN TOUCH
JUST A LITTLE TOO MUCH *
306
00:11:35,729 --> 00:11:37,264
* I CAN BREAK INTO YOU, *
307
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:39,532
* TEAR DOWN YOUR DEFENSES *
308
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,735
* I CAN TWIST
LIKE A SERPENTINE KISS *
309
00:11:41,735 --> 00:11:43,170
* YOU CAN HAVE ALL OF THIS *
310
00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:45,272
* DO YOU NEED A WITNESS? *
311
00:11:45,272 --> 00:11:47,707
* THE LADY, TOO,
THEY CAN WATCH WHAT YOU DO *
312
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,276
* THEY'LL GET OFF ON THE CLUE *
313
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:51,511
* OR THIS RIDE CAN CONTINUE *
314
00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:52,780
* I CAN DANCE, YEAH *
315
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:54,114
* I CAN DANCE SLOW *
316
00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:56,016
* SIT BACK AND RELAX *
317
00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:58,485
* I CAN BE EXOTIC *
318
00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:00,020
* EROTIC *
319
00:12:00,020 --> 00:12:02,255
* I CAN MAKE YOU
GET PSYCHOTIC *
320
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:05,725
* I CAN BE SWEET
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU PLEASE *
321
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,028
* I CAN GET DOWN ON MY KNEES *
322
00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:10,097
* I CAN BE EXOTIC *
323
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:11,999
* EROTIC *
324
00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:14,301
* I CAN MAKE YOU
GET PSYCHOTIC *
325
00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:17,737
* I CAN BE SWEET
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU PLEASE *
326
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:20,073
* I CAN GET DOWN ON MY KNEES *
327
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,009
* BE YOUR CANDY STORE *
328
00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:24,044
* COME IN THE BACK DOOR *
329
00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:26,046
* WE CAN USE
THE KITCHEN FLOOR *
330
00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:28,115
* I CAN MAKE YOU SWEAT *
331
00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:31,919
* TILL YOU FORGET
EVERYONE THAT CAME BEFORE *
332
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:35,388
* I CAN BE EXOTIC *
333
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:38,058
* AH AH AH *
334
00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:41,394
* I CAN BE EXOTIC *
335
00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:43,763
* AH AH AH *
336
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:47,100
* I CAN BE EXOTIC *
337
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:49,970
* AH AH AH *
338
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:52,339
* I CAN BE EXOTIC *
339
00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:53,807
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
340
00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:56,944
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
341
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,049
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BOOBS?
342
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:04,551
NO, I HAD A PROBLEM
WITH MY PASTIES
343
00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:06,419
BECAUSE I LOST ONE ON THE STAGE.
344
00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:10,590
WELL, UM, I BET
THOSE STAIRS ARE REALLY CLEAN.
345
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:13,193
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
346
00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:14,962
ALL RIGHT.
[ LAUGHS ]
347
00:13:14,962 --> 00:13:17,998
ARE YOU GUYS READY
FOR A LADY COMIC NOW?
348
00:13:17,998 --> 00:13:21,268
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
349
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:24,071
PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE
WHITNEY CUMMINGS.
350
00:13:24,071 --> 00:13:26,439
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
351
00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:29,109
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
352
00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:31,845
YES! I LOVE THIS --
353
00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:33,480
ALL THESE NAKED LADIES
RUNNING AROUND.
354
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:35,949
I NEVER GET TO SEE
NAKED WOMEN EVER.
355
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,051
IN FACT, I'VE ONLY BEEN
TO A STRIP CLUB
356
00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:40,287
ONE TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
IT'S WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.
357
00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:43,656
IT WAS "TAKE YOUR
DAUGHTER TO WORK" DAY.
358
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,325
SO...
359
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,427
NO, I DID GET TO SEE
A VAGINA RECENTLY
360
00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,496
BECAUSE A FRIEND OF MINE
HAD A BABY A COUPLE MONTHS
361
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,464
AGO AND SHE CALLS ME UP
AND SHE'S LIKE,
362
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:55,035
"DO YOU WANT TO COME OVER
AND WATCH MY BIRTH VIDEO?"
363
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:59,806
I WAS LIKE, "UH, FUCK,
YEAH, I DO."
364
00:13:59,806 --> 00:14:01,674
YOU GUYS, I WENT OVER THERE.
365
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:06,213
IT WAS THE BIGGEST COOTER I'VE
EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE,
366
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:10,884
BUT LIKE "BLAIR WITCH PROJECT,"
SHAKY-CAM COOTER, YOU KNOW?
367
00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:14,054
IT LOOKED LIKE PORN FROM
DOWNTOWN BAGHDAD.
368
00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:16,189
[ LAUGHTER ]
369
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,857
DID YOU GUYS KNOW THIS?
370
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,492
AFTER THE BABY COMES
OUT OF THERE,
371
00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:21,261
A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER
SHIT COMES OUT, GUYS.
372
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:24,464
A JELLYFISH FLEW BY.
373
00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:28,568
A TRAMPOLINE CAME OUT OF THERE.
374
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:33,073
I SWEAR TO GOD JAMIROQUAI
CAME OUT OF HER THING, GUYS.
375
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:36,009
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
376
00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:38,912
YEAH.
377
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:40,147
AND I LOVE LIVING IN L.A.
378
00:14:40,147 --> 00:14:41,848
IT'S CRAZY ABOUT L.A. --
379
00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:43,316
THE THING IS THAT
EVERYONE IN L.A.
380
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,218
IS OBSESSED WITH
NEW-AGE THINGS LIKE YOGA.
381
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,087
EVERYONE IS OBSESSED WITH YOGA.
382
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:48,922
A FRIEND OF MINE DRAGGED ME
TO YOGA RECENTLY.
383
00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:50,290
OKAY, IF YOU'VE NEVER
DONE IT BEFORE,
384
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:52,092
LET ME JUST
EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, OKAY?
385
00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:55,062
YOGA IS BASICALLY
SPENDING AN ENTIRE HOUR
386
00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:56,964
TRYING TO NOT FART.
387
00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:58,932
[ LAUGHTER ]
388
00:14:58,932 --> 00:15:01,701
THAT'S ALL IT IS.
389
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:04,637
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
390
00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:06,974
[ LAUGHS ]
391
00:15:06,974 --> 00:15:09,977
I HELD IN A FART FOR
AN HOUR AND A HALF.
392
00:15:09,977 --> 00:15:12,512
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHERE IT WENT.
393
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:14,347
PEOPLE COME OUT OF YOGA.
394
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:17,084
THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
I FEEL SO AMAZING.
395
00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:19,752
YOGA'S SO AMAZING."
396
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:22,990
THAT'S 'CAUSE THEY'RE
HIGH ON METHANE GAS.
397
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:24,724
[ LAUGHTER ]
398
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:26,759
DAMN IT.
399
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:29,062
AND THERE WAS A GUY
IN MY YOGA CLASS --
400
00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:32,966
A GUY IN MY YOGA CLASS.
401
00:15:32,966 --> 00:15:35,735
HERE'S THE THING -- GUYS IN L.A.
ARE A LITTLE TOO GIRLY FOR ME.
402
00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:38,638
THEY'RE WHAT YOU CALL
"METROSEXUAL," RIGHT?
403
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:40,707
I WENT OUT WITH A GUY
THE OTHER NIGHT.
404
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:43,610
HE ORDERED A SALAD.
405
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,278
[ LAUGHTER ]
406
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,147
I'M SORRY,
IF YOU'RE ORDERING A SALAD
407
00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:49,916
AS YOUR APPETIZER,
YOUR MAIN COURSE IS A COCK.
408
00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:52,519
[ LAUGHTER ]
409
00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:54,087
I'M SORRY.
410
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:55,555
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
411
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:56,589
THIS...
412
00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:59,692
[ LAUGHS ]
413
00:15:59,692 --> 00:16:01,261
YOU KNOW?
414
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:05,498
A LITTLE SEMEN BALSAMIC DRESSING
ON THAT SHIT.
415
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:06,833
NO FUCKING WAY.
416
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:08,568
YOU GO KILL SOMETHING
417
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,471
AND YOU EAT IT WITH YOUR HANDS
LIKE A GODDAMN MAN.
418
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,006
THANK YOU.
419
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:15,742
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
420
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,244
OH, NO.
421
00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:20,280
AND GUYS IN L.A.
SHAVE EVERYTHING --
422
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,149
THEIR BACK, THEIR
BUTT, THEIR BALLS.
423
00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:23,716
LOOK,
I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE
424
00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:27,020
I'M HAVING SEX WITH
SHIA LaBEOUF, OKAY?
425
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:29,289
GROW THAT SHIT OUT.
426
00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:31,258
GUYS, PLEASE DON'T
SHAVE YOUR BALLS.
427
00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:33,226
DON'T SHAVE YOUR BALLS, OKAY?
428
00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:35,195
ASIAN GUY, YOU DON'T NEED
TO LISTEN TO THIS.
429
00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,730
[ LAUGHTER ]
430
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:41,234
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
431
00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:46,906
HERE'S THE THING --
DON'T SHAVE YOUR BALLS
432
00:16:46,906 --> 00:16:48,575
'CAUSE IT LEAVES
RAZOR BURN, OKAY?
433
00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:49,909
YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT LOOKS LIKE TO ME?
434
00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:52,011
HERPES.
435
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:55,415
IT'S VERY CONFUSING.
436
00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:57,016
NOT THAT IT'S
EVER STOPPED ME.
437
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,052
I'M JUST SAYING...
438
00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:00,253
[ CHEERING ]
439
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:01,721
...ONE DAY IT MIGHT.
440
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:04,491
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
441
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,359
I JUST READ THAT
PROSTITUTES IN CALIFORNIA
442
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,728
ARE TRYING TO UNIONIZE.
443
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:10,230
[ CHEERING ]
444
00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,864
THAT'S THE MOST
AMAZING THING EVER,
445
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:13,433
AND THEY ACTUALLY HAVE
TERMS THAT THEY WANT.
446
00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:15,102
THE FIRST TERM
IS THEY DON'T
447
00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:16,936
WANT TO BE CALLED
PROSTITUTES ANYMORE.
448
00:17:16,936 --> 00:17:18,905
THEY OFFICIALLY LEGALLY WANT TO
BE CALLED "SEX WORKERS."
449
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:20,340
[ LAUGHTER ]
450
00:17:20,340 --> 00:17:22,609
CALLING A PROSTITUTE
A SEX WORKER
451
00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:26,613
IS KIND OF LIKE CALLING A
STRIPPER A "POLE POLISHER."
452
00:17:26,613 --> 00:17:29,482
OKAY? WE GET IT.
453
00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:32,719
WELL, 'CAUSE THEIR WHOLE THING
IS THAT SEX IS WORK, YOU KNOW?
454
00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:34,321
SEX IS A JOB,
WHICH IS NOT TRUE.
455
00:17:34,321 --> 00:17:35,955
SEX IS NOT A JOB, OKAY?
456
00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,757
SEX IS WHAT YOU DO TO GET A JOB.
457
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:40,160
[ LAUGHTER ]
458
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,061
DON'T BE STUPID.
459
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,364
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
460
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:49,402
BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE
IF PROSTITUTES WERE TO UNIONIZE?
461
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,271
LIKE, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN
IF THEY WERE TO GO ON STRIKE?
462
00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:54,574
WHAT WOULD THEY DO --
WALK THE STREETS?
463
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:57,877
[ LAUGHTER ]
464
00:17:57,877 --> 00:17:59,379
I DON'T KNOW.
465
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:01,948
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
466
00:18:01,948 --> 00:18:04,050
[ LAUGHS ]
467
00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:05,752
I DON'T KNOW.
468
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,220
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE
A SEX-WORKER UNION MEETING.
469
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:08,921
THAT WOULD BE AMAZING, RIGHT,
470
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,957
A BUNCH OF HOOKERS IN ONCE PLACE
BICKERING AT EACH OTHER?
471
00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:12,492
I DON'T KNOW.
472
00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:13,960
I'M PRETTY SURE
WE ALREADY HAVE THAT.
473
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,228
IT'S CALLED "FLAVOR OF LOVE."
474
00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:16,963
I LOVE THAT SHOW.
475
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:18,765
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
476
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,600
YEAH.
477
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,835
I WAS RECENTLY READING ABOUT
THIS WHOLE METROSEXUAL THING
478
00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:24,471
IN THIS MAGAZINE,
COSMOPOLITAN.
479
00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:25,838
LADIES, DO WE READ
THIS MAGAZINE?
480
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:27,407
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
481
00:18:27,407 --> 00:18:29,142
YEAH, I LOVE COSMOPOLITAN
BECAUSE IT
482
00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:31,110
BASICALLY TEACHES WOMEN
HOW TO BE WHORES.
483
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,280
AND, UH, THE ARTICLES
ARE RIDICULOUS.
484
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,182
THERE WAS AN ARTICLE IN THERE.
485
00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:37,684
IT WAS LIKE,
"HOW TO TURN ON YOUR GUY."
486
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:42,655
HE'S A GUY.
487
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:44,691
TAKE OFF A SOCK.
488
00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:46,193
[ LAUGHTER ]
489
00:18:46,193 --> 00:18:48,361
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
490
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:54,501
[ LAUGHS ]
491
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:56,569
THERE WAS ANOTHER ARTICLE
THAT WAS LIKE,
492
00:18:56,569 --> 00:19:01,474
"FOR ADVENTUROUS SEX, SURPRISE
YOUR MAN AT WORK FOR A QUICKIE."
493
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:05,212
I CANNOT SURPRISE
MY MAN AT WORK FOR A QUICKIE.
494
00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:08,548
HE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB.
495
00:19:08,548 --> 00:19:10,417
AND THERE'S THIS WHOLE ARTICLE
THAT WAS LIKE,
496
00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:13,820
"HOW TO MAKE YOUR
MAN SCREAM IN THE BEDROOM."
497
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:15,588
GUYS, YOU ARE NEVER
498
00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:18,791
SUPPOSED TO SCREAM
IN THE BEDROOM.
499
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:20,893
THAT IS SO FUCKING GAY.
500
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:22,595
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
501
00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:23,763
OKAY?
502
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:26,165
[ LAUGHS ]
503
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:29,969
ALL RIGHT?
504
00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:31,838
AND THERE WAS THIS WHOLE PAGE.
505
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,606
IT WAS LIKE ALL ABOUT SEX TOYS
YOU SHOULD USE OR WHATEVER,
506
00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,642
WHICH -- THERE WERE SOME
CRAZY SEX TOYS IN THERE.
507
00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:37,577
THERE WAS ONE
THAT WAS A VIBRATOR
508
00:19:37,577 --> 00:19:39,979
WITH FEATHERS ON THE
END OF IT.
509
00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:42,549
I'M SORRY. IS THAT IN CASE
YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN SO LONG
510
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:44,317
YOU CAN JUST DUST IT OFF?
511
00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:46,686
[ LAUGHTER ]
512
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,288
GET BUSY.
513
00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:51,458
SEX TOYS -- THAT'S LIKE FOR WHEN
YOUR SEX LIFE IS REALLY LAME,
514
00:19:51,458 --> 00:19:53,393
LIKE WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED AND --
I DON'T KNOW.
515
00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:54,927
I HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS
GETTING MARRIED RIGHT NOW.
516
00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:56,729
SO I HAVE TO GO
TO ALL THESE WEDDINGS.
517
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:58,531
I THINK THE CRAZIEST PART
ABOUT GOING TO WEDDINGS
518
00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,367
IS HAVING TO CATCH THE BOUQUET,
YOU KNOW?
519
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:01,701
LIKE, I WENT TO CATCH
THE BOUQUET RECENTLY.
520
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,603
I GOT SHANKED.
521
00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:05,572
'CAUSE THE WOMEN GO PSYCHO.
522
00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:06,939
'CAUSE WHAT THEY SAY IS THAT
IF YOU CATCH THE BOUQUET
523
00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:08,975
THAT MEANS YOU'LL
BE THE NEXT WOMAN
524
00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:10,977
TO GET MARRIED OR WHATEVER.
UNH-UNH. CATCH THE BOUQUET.
525
00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:13,246
SEE IF ONE GUY TALKS TO YOU
FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.
526
00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:14,614
[ LAUGHTER ]
527
00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:16,082
IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
528
00:20:16,082 --> 00:20:17,650
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
529
00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:19,319
HERE'S THE THING --
I DON'T THINK
530
00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:21,187
MEN SHOULD BE ON
facebook.com, PERSONALLY,
531
00:20:21,187 --> 00:20:24,156
BECAUSE EVERYONE IS SO OBSESSED
WITH UPDATING THEIR STATUS
532
00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:27,260
EVERY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES.
533
00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:28,928
I WENT ON THERE THE OTHER DAY.
534
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:32,332
IT WAS LIKE,
"JOHNNY IS EATING BLUEBERRIES."
535
00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:33,900
[ LAUGHTER ]
536
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:36,836
15 MINUTES, "JOHNNY IS
STILL EATING BLUEBERRIES.
537
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:38,671
THEY'RE SO GOOD."
538
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:40,540
AN HOUR LATER, "JOHNNY DOESN'T
HAVE ANY BLUEBERRIES LEFT.
539
00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:42,041
WHAT SH--"
I'M SORRY.
540
00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:44,544
IS "BLUEBERRIES" THE
NEW CODE WORD FOR SEMEN?
541
00:20:44,544 --> 00:20:46,446
'CAUSE THIS IS REALLY
NOT A MANLY THING
542
00:20:46,446 --> 00:20:48,448
TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW.
543
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:51,718
HOW ABOUT YOU GET OFF FACEBOOK
AND ON monster.com
544
00:20:51,718 --> 00:20:55,054
AND GET YOURSELF A DAMN JOB?
545
00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:56,956
HOW ABOUT THAT?
546
00:20:56,956 --> 00:20:59,459
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
547
00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:04,331
PEOPLE TRY TO BRAG WITH
THEIR FACEBOOK UPDATES.
548
00:21:04,331 --> 00:21:08,835
"MEGAN IS SO BUSY."
549
00:21:08,835 --> 00:21:10,737
REALLY, MEGAN?
550
00:21:10,737 --> 00:21:13,640
YOU'RE SO BUSY YOU JUST UPDATED
YOUR PROFILE 96 TIMES TODAY
551
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:17,510
AND UPLOADED 42 PHOTOS
OF YOUR CAT IN A COSTUME?
552
00:21:17,510 --> 00:21:19,612
REALLY? HERE'S THE THING --
BEFORE FACEBOOK,
553
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:20,947
WE NEVER HAD TO
UPDATE OUR FRIENDS
554
00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:22,715
ON THE MINUTIA OF
OUR LIFE, OKAY?
555
00:21:22,715 --> 00:21:24,517
IT'S NOT LIKE I CALLED UP
A FRIEND AND WAS LIKE,
556
00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:27,320
"HEY, MELISSA,
I'M THINKING ABOUT PACKING.
557
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,155
OKAY, BYE."
558
00:21:29,155 --> 00:21:30,557
[ LAUGHTER ]
559
00:21:30,557 --> 00:21:32,124
[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]
560
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:33,726
I JUST FEEL LIKE EVERYONE TRIES
561
00:21:33,726 --> 00:21:35,161
TO BE LIKE WITTY AND LIKE
FUNNY AND GOOFY
562
00:21:35,161 --> 00:21:36,663
WITH THEIR FACEBOOK UPDATES.
563
00:21:36,663 --> 00:21:38,531
I'D LIKE TO SEE SOME
HONEST FACEBOOK UPDATES.
564
00:21:38,531 --> 00:21:40,600
HOW ABOUT THAT?
RIGHT?
565
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,769
"MARK JUST TOOK OUT $200 CASH
566
00:21:42,769 --> 00:21:45,271
AND IS DRIVING DOWNTOWN AT 3:00
IN THE MORNING."
567
00:21:45,271 --> 00:21:47,073
[ LAUGHTER ]
568
00:21:47,073 --> 00:21:48,775
[ APPLAUSE ]
569
00:21:48,775 --> 00:21:51,578
EXCUSE ME?
570
00:21:51,578 --> 00:21:54,747
I'D LIKE TO HEAR
MORE ABOUT THAT.
571
00:21:54,747 --> 00:21:58,217
"LINDSAY JUST MADE
$300 IN 15 MINUTES."
572
00:21:58,217 --> 00:22:01,253
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
573
00:22:01,253 --> 00:22:02,389
I'M WHITNEY CUMMINGS.
574
00:22:02,389 --> 00:22:03,556
YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT!
575
00:22:03,556 --> 00:22:05,692
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
576
00:22:17,904 --> 00:22:19,205
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
577
00:22:19,205 --> 00:22:20,907
NOW, I GOT ON MySpace FINALLY
578
00:22:20,907 --> 00:22:23,576
AND REALIZED THAT MY LITTLE
COUSIN'S ON MySpace.
579
00:22:23,576 --> 00:22:25,812
AND SHE LIES ABOUT HER AGE
TO GET GUYS.
580
00:22:25,812 --> 00:22:29,616
MY COUSIN'S 18 YEARS OLD,
AND SHE TELLS EVERYONE SHE'S 13.
581
00:22:29,616 --> 00:22:31,751
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
582
00:22:31,751 --> 00:22:34,454
GIVE IT UP FOR AUDREY DeLUXE!
583
00:22:34,454 --> 00:22:37,356
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
584
00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:38,991
[ SWING MUSIC PLAYS ]
585
00:23:15,294 --> 00:23:17,163
* NOW, IF YOUR NIGHTS
ARE LONELY *
586
00:23:17,163 --> 00:23:20,166
* AND YOUR LOVE LIFE
IS A FLOP *
587
00:23:20,166 --> 00:23:22,068
* DON'T BE A SAP *
588
00:23:22,068 --> 00:23:24,804
* JUST CUT THE CRAP AND LINE UP
AND LET ME HOP *
589
00:23:24,804 --> 00:23:27,273
* YOU DON'T NEED A CHEST
LIKE ARNOLD'S *
590
00:23:27,273 --> 00:23:29,542
* OR A SMILE LIKE LEO D. *
591
00:23:29,542 --> 00:23:31,978
* THESE CHICKS
ARE HOT TO JITTERBUG *
592
00:23:31,978 --> 00:23:34,280
* I KNOW IT WORKS FOR ME *
593
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:39,018
* SO PUT AWAY THOSE PICK-UP
LINES AND PUT A ZOOT SUIT ON *
594
00:23:39,018 --> 00:23:43,389
* REMEMBER THIS
BEFORE YOUR CHANCE IS GONE *
595
00:23:43,389 --> 00:23:45,658
* SHUT UP AND DANCE *
596
00:23:45,658 --> 00:23:47,994
* SHUT UP AND DANCE *
597
00:23:47,994 --> 00:23:49,862
* SHUT UP AND DANCE *
598
00:23:49,862 --> 00:23:52,765
* IF YOU WANT TO MAKE ROMANCE *
599
00:23:52,765 --> 00:23:55,367
* SHUT UP AND DANCE *
600
00:23:55,367 --> 00:23:57,737
* SHUT UP AND DANCE *
601
00:23:57,737 --> 00:23:59,405
* SHUT UP AND DANCE *
602
00:23:59,405 --> 00:24:02,675
* IF YOU WANT TO MAKE ROMANCE *
603
00:24:02,675 --> 00:24:05,144
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
604
00:24:43,382 --> 00:24:47,186
[ FINALE PLAYS ]
605
00:24:47,186 --> 00:24:48,420
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
606
00:24:48,420 --> 00:24:50,089
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
607
00:24:50,089 --> 00:24:52,925
MY FRIEND AND I
BUILT MY CUPCAKE.
608
00:24:52,925 --> 00:24:56,495
YOU CAN'T JUST GO TO THE STORE
AND BUY ONE, I IMAGINE.
609
00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:58,264
I'M GOING WITH "NO."
610
00:24:58,264 --> 00:25:00,800
AT THE BURLESQUE EMPORIUM,
THEY WERE OUT OF CUPCAKES.
611
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:04,136
AND SO I HAD TO
TAKE IT UPON MYSELF...
612
00:25:04,136 --> 00:25:06,505
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
613
00:25:10,042 --> 00:25:11,578
OH! HI.
614
00:25:11,578 --> 00:25:13,379
UM --
615
00:25:13,379 --> 00:25:14,814
HI. HI. OKAY.
616
00:25:14,814 --> 00:25:16,816
I'M GONNA JUST
CALL FOR SECURITY,
617
00:25:16,816 --> 00:25:18,818
BUT THAT IS IT
FOR OUR SHOW TONIGHT.
618
00:25:18,818 --> 00:25:21,187
I WILL SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON
"LIVE NUDE COMEDY."
619
00:25:21,187 --> 00:25:22,354
GOOD NIGHT.
620
00:25:22,354 --> 00:25:24,724
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
44223
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