Original subtitles

GUYS DON'T CALL WOMEN WHO SLEEP AROUND SLUTS.

UNH-UNH. WE JUST CALL THEM. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

THIS IS THE COOLEST SHOW I'VE EVER BEEN ON. THIS IS MY FANTASY.

LIKE, IF I HAD A DREAM ABOUT DOING COMEDY, THIS IS IT.

I HAVE TO DO STAND-UP COMEDY,

AND I'M JUST NOT SURE HOW IT'S GONNA TURN OUT.

IF I MEET A WOMAN AND SHE HAS A NICE ASS,

SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

I FEEL LIBERATED WHEN I GET NAKED.

SO IT'S BEEN A GREAT EXPERIENCE.

BUT IF I MEET A WOMAN AND SHE HAS A GREAT ASS,

SHE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE, IF I WASN'T WEARING THESE,

I WOULD BE NAKED.

I HAVE NEVER WORKED WITH SHANNON ELIZABETH BEFORE.

I'M YOUR HOST, SHANNON ELIZABETH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY."

THE JITTERS ARE GONE. EXCITEMENT'S KICKING IN.

ENERGY -- YOU CAN FEEL IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M, UH -- I'M -- I'M TAKING A NAP.

[ ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES ]

IT'S FUN TO GET NAKED. [ LAUGHS ]

* I'LL DO IT, TOO *

[ ANNOUNCER ] LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, YOUR HOST FOR "LIVE NUDE COMEDY,"

SHANNON ELIZABETH!

WELCOME!

WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY"!

I'M YOUR HOST, SHANNON ELIZABETH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO, TONIGHT YOU'RE GONNA SEE BURLESQUE PERFORMERS

AND COMEDIANS AND --

SHANNON ELIZABETH!

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! AHH!

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

HI. UM...

I JUST -- I'M SUCH A HUGE FAN.

I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW. I'M SUCH A HUGE FAN.

OH, WOW, YOU'RE -- YOU'RE NAKED.

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE SO PRETTY.

OH, THANK YOU.

I SAW YOU ON "DANCING WITH THE STARS."

SHE IS -- YOU WERE AN AMAZING DANCER.

SHE IS AN AMAZING DANCER.

AWW, THANK YOU.

I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU PERFORM.

I HAVE SEEN ALL OF YOUR MOVIES.

"LOVE ACTUALLY" -- OH, IT'S MY FAVORITE.

I HAVE A TATTOO OF COLIN FIRTH. WANT TO SEE IT?

OH, NO, NO! I REALLY DON'T.

I'M KIND OF GOOD.

OHH, BOY.

YEAH, UM, I'M GOOD.

WHY DON'T YOU GO BACKSTAGE

AND JUST FINISH GETTING READY AND --

OH. OKAY.

WELL, THAT'S ACTUALLY GOOD PENMANSHIP.

OH, COOL.

I -- JUST ONE LAST TIME.

OOH!

WOW, WOW, WOW. I SEE BOOBIES.

I FEEL BOOBIES. OKAY. [ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT.

OH, I THINK WE'RE GOOD HERE, OKAY.

OKAY, OKAY.

BYE.

SEE YOU LATER.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

WHOA.

I'M JUST GONNA GO BACKSTAGE AND FIGURE OUT

IF WHAT JUST HAPPENED MAKES ME GAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, ANY MORE GAY THAN WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IN THE MEANTIME, OUR NEXT PERFORMER IS FROM TEXAS.

I AM ALSO FROM TEXAS. SO, THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE WE ARE RELATED.

GIVE IT UP FOR HARRIS WITTELS!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

ALL RIGHT.

YEAH!

THANKS. WOW.

WHAT A SHOW, HUH?

A LOT OF -- THERE'S COMEDY,

AND THEN THERE'S SEXY THINGS.

BEFORE TONIGHT, I NEVER KNEW MY BONER COULD LAUGH.

BUT I FOUND MY NEW PARTY TRICK.

SO IT'S A WIN-WIN RIGHT THERE.

I'VE BEEN KIND OF BUMMED OUT RECENTLY

'CAUSE MY DOG HAS ONE OF THOSE CONES AROUND HIS HEAD.

NO, 'CAUSE -- YEAH, HE GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH ANOTHER DOG,

AND THE OTHER DOG PUT A FUCKING CONE ON HIS HEAD.

WHAT? THAT'S CRAZY.

THAT'S CRAZY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHERE ARE MY SINGLE HOS-ES AT?

ALL RIGHT, NOT A WHOLE LOT. WAY TO BE FUCKING, EVERYBODY.

WAY TO BE FUCKING. WAY TO PAIR OFF.

NO, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW, SINGLE LADIES,

THAT I CAN TIE A KNOT

WITH A CHERRY STEM USING JUST MY FUCKING HANDS.

SO...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, AND A LITTLE BONUS -- I WEAR X.L. CONDOMS.

I WRAP THEM AROUND THE BALLS AND PENIS.

IT'S THE SAFEST.

IT'S JUST THE SAFEST THING...

I THINK.

BE SMART.

[ LAUGHS ]

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT WHOLE CHERRY-STEM THING.

I DON'T THINK A LOT OF WHAT,

LIKE, TYPICAL MEN FIND SEXY --

LIKE, IT JUST DOESN'T DO IT FOR ME.

LIKE, I WAS AT A BAR WITH A FRIEND RECENTLY,

AND HE KIND OF SAUNTERED UP ALL DRUNK,

AND HE'S LIKE, "BRO, CHECK IT OUT."

AND I'M LIKE, "I DON'T LIKE THAT WE ARE FRIENDS."

AND, UH, HE WAS LIKE,

"YEAH, I JUST MET THIS CHICK. SHE'S FUCKING SUPER HOT,

AND SHE CAN TIE A KNOT WITH A CHERRY STEM IN HER MOUTH."

I WAS LIKE, "SO WHAT?"

LIKE, IF YOU ACTUALLY TRANSLATED

LIKE THE MOTION OF WHAT A GIRL IS DOING

WHEN SHE'S TYING A KNOT

WITH A CHERRY STEM TO LIKE A BLOWJOB,

SHE WOULD JUST BE LIKE AWKWARDLY GNAWING ON YOUR PENIS.

THAT'S ALL THAT WOULD BE HAPPENING.

TIE IT -- IF YOU CAN TIE IT WITH THE BACK OF YOUR THROAT,

THAT'S LIKE A THING --

THAT'S LIKE A SKILL SET THAT I CAN GET BEHIND.

BUT JUST REGULAR -- THAT SEEMS --

THAT SEEMS WEIRD TO ME.

[ APPLAUSE ]

NO, I LIKE, UH, GIRLS AND LADIES

AND ALL THE THINGS IN BETWEEN OF THOSE.

BUT I'M NOT GOOD AT TALKING TO THEM.

I DON'T -- I'M NOT GOOD AT HITTING ON GIRLS BECAUSE

SOCIETY HAS BASICALLY DESIGNATED LIKE BARS AND CLUBS

AS THE PLACES THAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO TO

LIKE MAKE IT HAPPEN, RIGHT?

THAT'S WHERE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO TO GET OUR FUCK ON.

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

BUT IT'S SO LOUD IN CLUBS.

THERE'S LIKE -- "UNST! UNST!" --

FUCKING HOUSE MUSIC AND SHIT,

AND I CAN'T LIKE EFFECTIVELY COMMUNICATE MY DUMB JOKE

TO THE GIRL THAT I'M TRYING TO HIT ON.

YOU KNOW?

AND I HAVE TO LIKE AWKWARDLY REPEAT MYSELF 20 TIMES,

AND I HAVE TO CHANGE IT UP EVERY TIME

SO I'M NOT JUST REPEATING THE SAME THING,

UNTIL EVENTUALLY IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE,

WHAT I'M SAYING, ANYMORE.

I'M JUST YELLING WEIRD SHIT AT SOME POOR GIRL.

LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP?

YOU GOT A COUPLE JAEGER BOMBS THERE, HUH?

THAT'S A LOT OF SUGAR. I HOPE YOU'RE NOT DIABETIC."

SHE LIKE, "WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU."

I'M LIKE, "THERE'S -- YOU HAVE --

THERE'S A LOT OF SUGAR IN THOSE DRINKS!

I HOPE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE DIABETES!"

SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT?"

I'M LIKE, "MY FRIEND'S FATHER HAS DIABETES!"

SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT?"

"DIABETES! DIABETES!"

THAT'S THE THING SHE HEARS,

JUST THE LUNATIC RUNNING UP TO HER

AND YELLING "DIABETES!" AT HER.

THAT'S LIKE A BAD OPENER. THAT'S A BAD OPENER, GENTLEMEN.

HONESTLY, AT THAT POINT,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST PUNCH HER IN THE VAGINA BECAUSE --

NO, HEAR ME OUT --

BECAUSE SHE'S GONNA WALK AWAY REGARDLESS.

SO, AT LEAST THAT WAY, YOU GOT SOME PUSSY OUT OF IT.

YOU GOT -- SERIOUSLY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHERE'S ALL MY WEED HEADS AT?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GOD DAMN IT.

YOU GUYS LOVE PUBLICIZING THAT INFORMATION

MORE THAN ANY OTHER DRUG.

THERE IS A GROUP THAT EXISTS CALLED MARIJUANA ANONYMOUS.

IT EXISTS. IT'S REAL.

IT'S FOR PEOPLE THAT HAVE ADDICTIONS TO WEED.

AND I'LL GIVE YOU THAT.

YOU CAN HAVE LIKE AN EMOTIONAL ADDICTION TO POT.

WHAT I DON'T LIKE ABOUT M.A., AS THEY CALL IT --

THEY FUCKING --

THEY TOOK SOME OF THE 12 STEPS FROM A.A.,

FROM ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS.

SOME OF THE STEPS SURPRISINGLY

DON'T TRANSLATE THAT WELL TO WEED,

LIKE STEP 8, WHICH IS, UM,

APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE THAT YOU'VE WRONGED

WHILE, UH, HIGH OR WHATEVER.

I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S FUCKING STUPID."

BUT I WAS LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT, M.A."

SO I'VE DRAFTED UP LIKE A LIST OF APOLOGIES

THAT I'D LIKE TO ISSUE OUT TO PEOPLE

THAT I'VE DONE WRONG UNTO WHILE UNDER MY WEED CRAVINGS.

THANK YOU.

I'M BATTLING DEMONS. THANKS FOR HELPING ME.

UM...FIRST, I'M SORRY THAT I TALKED ABOUT

THE ALLMAN BROTHERS BAND FOR TWO HOURS.

I'M SORRY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

UH, SECONDLY, UH,

I'M SORRY THAT I THOUGHT PUTTING BISQUICK

AND WATER IN A MICROWAVE

WOULD ELICIT LIKE A PANCAKE-LIKE TREAT.

I WILL GET YOU A NEW MICROWAVE, MAN.

AND THAT'S ACTUALLY THE END OF THE LIST.

THAT'S THE ONLY TWO THINGS 'CAUSE IT'S REALLY NOT

THAT BAD OF A THING, IS MY POINT, YOU KNOW?

MY WORST ADDICTION, I THINK, IS PROBABLY TEXT MESSAGING.

I'M JUST LIKE ALWAYS DOING IT.

IT'S KEEPING ME FROM ENJOYING MY LIFE.

BUT IT ACTUALLY GOT SERIOUS LIKE A COUPLE WEEKENDS AGO.

I HAD LIKE A TEXT BINGE, YOU KNOW?

I WAS UP ALL NIGHT JUST FUCKING TEXTING, NOSE BLEEDING,

WASN'T SLEEPING, HEART RACING.

YEAH, I WAS ON COKE, TOO, BUT I DON'T KNOW.

WHO'S TO SAY? WHO'S TO SAY?

[ APPLAUSE ]

LISTEN, I DON'T WANT TO COME OFF AS A GUY

WHO JUST LIKE FUCKS ALL THE TIME

AND THEN BRAGS ABOUT IT,

BUT LISTEN -- SOMETIMES A GIRL WILL ALLOW ME

TO LIKE PUT MYSELF INTO HER,

AND I AM THANKFUL FOR THAT, AND I SAY, "THANK YOU."

AND -- BUT RECENTLY THAT HAPPENED,

AND IT WAS LIKE THE FIRST TIME

THAT A GIRL WAS TELLING ME

TO BE LIKE OUTWARDLY MEAN TO HER DURING THE ACT, YOU KNOW?

SHE WAS LIKE, "CALL ME A WHORE,

AND CALL ME A SLUT," AND ALL THAT.

AND, UH -- AND AT FIRST I HAD TO FIGHT THE URGE

TO JUST HELP HER FEEL BETTER ABOUT WHO SHE IS,

WHICH WAS MY INITIAL INSTINCT AS A HUMAN WITH EMPATHY.

BUT THAT'S BAD FOR THE MOOD.

SO, I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, THIS IS HER HOME TURF, YOU KNOW?

I'LL PLAY BY HER RULES."

SO THEN I KIND OF STARTED LIKE AWKWARDLY, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

NERVOUSLY, JEWISHLY BEING LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE --

YOU'RE A WHORE. YOU ARE A WHORE."

AND THEN I -- I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I THINK SOMETHING JUST LIKE SNAPPED IN ME

'CAUSE I -- I LITERALLY ACCIDENTALLY SAID,

"I'M GONNA KILL YOU."

THAT'S WHAT I SAID TO HER.

AND, UH, I FEEL LIKE I MEANT IT. I DON'T KNOW.

IT WAS BIZARRE. IT WAS BIZARRE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE MORAL OF THAT TALE IS.

I THINK IT'S THAT IF YOU ARE A WHORE,

I DO HAVE THE CAPACITY TO KILL YOU.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANKS A LOT, EVERYONE. YOU'VE BEEN GREAT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL RIGHT, WELL,

WE HAVE SOME EDGY STUFF ON THIS SHOW,

BUT THIS NEXT PERFORMER

IS A BIT CLEANER THAN WHAT WE'RE USED TO.

I MEAN, WELL, KIND -- YOU'LL SEE WHAT I MEAN.

PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR AURORA JOLIE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

* I CONTEND THAT IT'S TIME WELL SPENT *

* JUST AS REAL IN THE END *

* EVEN THOUGH WE'RE PRETENDING *

* I CAN CHANGE, WE CAN PLAY A NEW GAME *

* YOU CAN CALL OUT HER NAME *

* AND I WON'T BE OFFENDED *

* I CAN MOVE, I CAN SEE INTO YOU *

* IN YOUR EYES I CAN FIND *

* WHAT YOU NEED ME TO SET FREE *

* I CAN FEEL ALL THE LOOKS THAT YOU STEAL *

* I CAN TAKE YOU AWAY FROM THIS PLACE IF YOU LET ME *

* I CAN DANCE, YEAH *

* I CAN DANCE SLOW *

* SIT BACK AND RELAX *

* I CAN BE EXOTIC *

* EROTIC *

* I CAN MAKE YOU GET PSYCHOTIC *

* I CAN BE SWEET *

* IF THAT'S WHAT YOU PLEASE *

* I CAN GET DOWN ON MY KNEES *

* BE YOUR CANDY STORE *

* COME IN THE BACK DOOR *

* WE CAN USE THE KITCHEN FLOOR *

* I CAN MAKE YOU SWEAT *

* TILL YOU FORGET EVERYONE THAT CAME BEFORE *

* I CAN BE EXOTIC *

* AH AH AH *

* I CAN BE EXOTIC *

* AH AH AH *

* I CAN SENSE WHEN YOUR BODY GETS TENSE *

* BY THE CURVE OF YOUR SPINE *

* AND YOUR TWISTED INTENTIONS *

* I CAN TOUCH JUST A LITTLE TOO MUCH *

* I CAN BREAK INTO YOU, *

* TEAR DOWN YOUR DEFENSES *

* I CAN TWIST LIKE A SERPENTINE KISS *

* YOU CAN HAVE ALL OF THIS *

* DO YOU NEED A WITNESS? *

* THE LADY, TOO, THEY CAN WATCH WHAT YOU DO *

* THEY'LL GET OFF ON THE CLUE *

* OR THIS RIDE CAN CONTINUE *

* I CAN DANCE, YEAH *

* I CAN DANCE SLOW *

* SIT BACK AND RELAX *

* I CAN BE EXOTIC *

* EROTIC *

* I CAN MAKE YOU GET PSYCHOTIC *

* I CAN BE SWEET IF THAT'S WHAT YOU PLEASE *

* I CAN GET DOWN ON MY KNEES *

* I CAN BE EXOTIC *

* EROTIC *

* I CAN MAKE YOU GET PSYCHOTIC *

* I CAN BE SWEET IF THAT'S WHAT YOU PLEASE *

* I CAN GET DOWN ON MY KNEES *

* BE YOUR CANDY STORE *

* COME IN THE BACK DOOR *

* WE CAN USE THE KITCHEN FLOOR *

* I CAN MAKE YOU SWEAT *

* TILL YOU FORGET EVERYONE THAT CAME BEFORE *

* I CAN BE EXOTIC *

* AH AH AH *

* I CAN BE EXOTIC *

* AH AH AH *

* I CAN BE EXOTIC *

* AH AH AH *

* I CAN BE EXOTIC *

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BOOBS?

NO, I HAD A PROBLEM WITH MY PASTIES

BECAUSE I LOST ONE ON THE STAGE.

WELL, UM, I BET THOSE STAIRS ARE REALLY CLEAN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL RIGHT. [ LAUGHS ]

ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR A LADY COMIC NOW?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

PLEASE WELCOME TO THE STAGE WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

YES! I LOVE THIS --

ALL THESE NAKED LADIES RUNNING AROUND.

I NEVER GET TO SEE NAKED WOMEN EVER.

IN FACT, I'VE ONLY BEEN TO A STRIP CLUB

ONE TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. IT'S WHEN I WAS YOUNGER.

IT WAS "TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK" DAY.

SO...

NO, I DID GET TO SEE A VAGINA RECENTLY

BECAUSE A FRIEND OF MINE HAD A BABY A COUPLE MONTHS

AGO AND SHE CALLS ME UP AND SHE'S LIKE,

"DO YOU WANT TO COME OVER AND WATCH MY BIRTH VIDEO?"

I WAS LIKE, "UH, FUCK, YEAH, I DO."

YOU GUYS, I WENT OVER THERE.

IT WAS THE BIGGEST COOTER I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE,

BUT LIKE "BLAIR WITCH PROJECT," SHAKY-CAM COOTER, YOU KNOW?

IT LOOKED LIKE PORN FROM DOWNTOWN BAGHDAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DID YOU GUYS KNOW THIS?

AFTER THE BABY COMES OUT OF THERE,

A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER SHIT COMES OUT, GUYS.

A JELLYFISH FLEW BY.

A TRAMPOLINE CAME OUT OF THERE.

I SWEAR TO GOD JAMIROQUAI CAME OUT OF HER THING, GUYS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

AND I LOVE LIVING IN L.A.

IT'S CRAZY ABOUT L.A. --

THE THING IS THAT EVERYONE IN L.A.

IS OBSESSED WITH NEW-AGE THINGS LIKE YOGA.

EVERYONE IS OBSESSED WITH YOGA.

A FRIEND OF MINE DRAGGED ME TO YOGA RECENTLY.

OKAY, IF YOU'VE NEVER DONE IT BEFORE,

LET ME JUST EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, OKAY?

YOGA IS BASICALLY SPENDING AN ENTIRE HOUR

TRYING TO NOT FART.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S ALL IT IS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

I HELD IN A FART FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE IT WENT.

PEOPLE COME OUT OF YOGA.

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, I FEEL SO AMAZING.

YOGA'S SO AMAZING."

THAT'S 'CAUSE THEY'RE HIGH ON METHANE GAS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DAMN IT.

AND THERE WAS A GUY IN MY YOGA CLASS --

A GUY IN MY YOGA CLASS.

HERE'S THE THING -- GUYS IN L.A. ARE A LITTLE TOO GIRLY FOR ME.

THEY'RE WHAT YOU CALL "METROSEXUAL," RIGHT?

I WENT OUT WITH A GUY THE OTHER NIGHT.

HE ORDERED A SALAD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M SORRY, IF YOU'RE ORDERING A SALAD

AS YOUR APPETIZER, YOUR MAIN COURSE IS A COCK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M SORRY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THIS...

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW?

A LITTLE SEMEN BALSAMIC DRESSING ON THAT SHIT.

NO FUCKING WAY.

YOU GO KILL SOMETHING

AND YOU EAT IT WITH YOUR HANDS LIKE A GODDAMN MAN.

THANK YOU.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH, NO.

AND GUYS IN L.A. SHAVE EVERYTHING --

THEIR BACK, THEIR BUTT, THEIR BALLS.

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE

I'M HAVING SEX WITH SHIA LaBEOUF, OKAY?

GROW THAT SHIT OUT.

GUYS, PLEASE DON'T SHAVE YOUR BALLS.

DON'T SHAVE YOUR BALLS, OKAY?

ASIAN GUY, YOU DON'T NEED TO LISTEN TO THIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HERE'S THE THING -- DON'T SHAVE YOUR BALLS

'CAUSE IT LEAVES RAZOR BURN, OKAY?

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE TO ME?

HERPES.

IT'S VERY CONFUSING.

NOT THAT IT'S EVER STOPPED ME.

I'M JUST SAYING...

[ CHEERING ]

...ONE DAY IT MIGHT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I JUST READ THAT PROSTITUTES IN CALIFORNIA

ARE TRYING TO UNIONIZE.

[ CHEERING ]

THAT'S THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER,

AND THEY ACTUALLY HAVE TERMS THAT THEY WANT.

THE FIRST TERM IS THEY DON'T

WANT TO BE CALLED PROSTITUTES ANYMORE.

THEY OFFICIALLY LEGALLY WANT TO BE CALLED "SEX WORKERS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

CALLING A PROSTITUTE A SEX WORKER

IS KIND OF LIKE CALLING A STRIPPER A "POLE POLISHER."

OKAY? WE GET IT.

WELL, 'CAUSE THEIR WHOLE THING IS THAT SEX IS WORK, YOU KNOW?

SEX IS A JOB, WHICH IS NOT TRUE.

SEX IS NOT A JOB, OKAY?

SEX IS WHAT YOU DO TO GET A JOB.

[ LAUGHTER ]

DON'T BE STUPID.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE IF PROSTITUTES WERE TO UNIONIZE?

LIKE, WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THEY WERE TO GO ON STRIKE?

WHAT WOULD THEY DO -- WALK THE STREETS?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T KNOW.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

I DON'T KNOW.

I WOULD LIKE TO SEE A SEX-WORKER UNION MEETING.

THAT WOULD BE AMAZING, RIGHT,

A BUNCH OF HOOKERS IN ONCE PLACE BICKERING AT EACH OTHER?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M PRETTY SURE WE ALREADY HAVE THAT.

IT'S CALLED "FLAVOR OF LOVE."

I LOVE THAT SHOW.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

I WAS RECENTLY READING ABOUT THIS WHOLE METROSEXUAL THING

IN THIS MAGAZINE, COSMOPOLITAN.

LADIES, DO WE READ THIS MAGAZINE?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, I LOVE COSMOPOLITAN BECAUSE IT

BASICALLY TEACHES WOMEN HOW TO BE WHORES.

AND, UH, THE ARTICLES ARE RIDICULOUS.

THERE WAS AN ARTICLE IN THERE.

IT WAS LIKE, "HOW TO TURN ON YOUR GUY."

HE'S A GUY.

TAKE OFF A SOCK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ LAUGHS ]

THERE WAS ANOTHER ARTICLE THAT WAS LIKE,

"FOR ADVENTUROUS SEX, SURPRISE YOUR MAN AT WORK FOR A QUICKIE."

I CANNOT SURPRISE MY MAN AT WORK FOR A QUICKIE.

HE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB.

AND THERE'S THIS WHOLE ARTICLE THAT WAS LIKE,

"HOW TO MAKE YOUR MAN SCREAM IN THE BEDROOM."

GUYS, YOU ARE NEVER

SUPPOSED TO SCREAM IN THE BEDROOM.

THAT IS SO FUCKING GAY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OKAY?

[ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT?

AND THERE WAS THIS WHOLE PAGE.

IT WAS LIKE ALL ABOUT SEX TOYS YOU SHOULD USE OR WHATEVER,

WHICH -- THERE WERE SOME CRAZY SEX TOYS IN THERE.

THERE WAS ONE THAT WAS A VIBRATOR

WITH FEATHERS ON THE END OF IT.

I'M SORRY. IS THAT IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN SO LONG

YOU CAN JUST DUST IT OFF?

[ LAUGHTER ]

GET BUSY.

SEX TOYS -- THAT'S LIKE FOR WHEN YOUR SEX LIFE IS REALLY LAME,

LIKE WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED AND -- I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS GETTING MARRIED RIGHT NOW.

SO I HAVE TO GO TO ALL THESE WEDDINGS.

I THINK THE CRAZIEST PART ABOUT GOING TO WEDDINGS

IS HAVING TO CATCH THE BOUQUET, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, I WENT TO CATCH THE BOUQUET RECENTLY.

I GOT SHANKED.

'CAUSE THE WOMEN GO PSYCHO.

'CAUSE WHAT THEY SAY IS THAT IF YOU CATCH THE BOUQUET

THAT MEANS YOU'LL BE THE NEXT WOMAN

TO GET MARRIED OR WHATEVER. UNH-UNH. CATCH THE BOUQUET.

SEE IF ONE GUY TALKS TO YOU FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HERE'S THE THING -- I DON'T THINK

MEN SHOULD BE ON facebook.com, PERSONALLY,

BECAUSE EVERYONE IS SO OBSESSED WITH UPDATING THEIR STATUS

EVERY FIVE FUCKING MINUTES.

I WENT ON THERE THE OTHER DAY.

IT WAS LIKE, "JOHNNY IS EATING BLUEBERRIES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

15 MINUTES, "JOHNNY IS STILL EATING BLUEBERRIES.

THEY'RE SO GOOD."

AN HOUR LATER, "JOHNNY DOESN'T HAVE ANY BLUEBERRIES LEFT.

WHAT SH--" I'M SORRY.

IS "BLUEBERRIES" THE NEW CODE WORD FOR SEMEN?

'CAUSE THIS IS REALLY NOT A MANLY THING

TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW.

HOW ABOUT YOU GET OFF FACEBOOK AND ON monster.com

AND GET YOURSELF A DAMN JOB?

HOW ABOUT THAT?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

PEOPLE TRY TO BRAG WITH THEIR FACEBOOK UPDATES.

"MEGAN IS SO BUSY."

REALLY, MEGAN?

YOU'RE SO BUSY YOU JUST UPDATED YOUR PROFILE 96 TIMES TODAY

AND UPLOADED 42 PHOTOS OF YOUR CAT IN A COSTUME?

REALLY? HERE'S THE THING -- BEFORE FACEBOOK,

WE NEVER HAD TO UPDATE OUR FRIENDS

ON THE MINUTIA OF OUR LIFE, OKAY?

IT'S NOT LIKE I CALLED UP A FRIEND AND WAS LIKE,

"HEY, MELISSA, I'M THINKING ABOUT PACKING.

OKAY, BYE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

I JUST FEEL LIKE EVERYONE TRIES

TO BE LIKE WITTY AND LIKE FUNNY AND GOOFY

WITH THEIR FACEBOOK UPDATES.

I'D LIKE TO SEE SOME HONEST FACEBOOK UPDATES.

HOW ABOUT THAT? RIGHT?

"MARK JUST TOOK OUT $200 CASH

AND IS DRIVING DOWNTOWN AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

EXCUSE ME?

I'D LIKE TO HEAR MORE ABOUT THAT.

"LINDSAY JUST MADE $300 IN 15 MINUTES."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I'M WHITNEY CUMMINGS.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL RIGHT, WELL,

NOW, I GOT ON MySpace FINALLY

AND REALIZED THAT MY LITTLE COUSIN'S ON MySpace.

AND SHE LIES ABOUT HER AGE TO GET GUYS.

MY COUSIN'S 18 YEARS OLD, AND SHE TELLS EVERYONE SHE'S 13.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GIVE IT UP FOR AUDREY DeLUXE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ SWING MUSIC PLAYS ]

* NOW, IF YOUR NIGHTS ARE LONELY *

* AND YOUR LOVE LIFE IS A FLOP *

* DON'T BE A SAP *

* JUST CUT THE CRAP AND LINE UP AND LET ME HOP *

* YOU DON'T NEED A CHEST LIKE ARNOLD'S *

* OR A SMILE LIKE LEO D. *

* THESE CHICKS ARE HOT TO JITTERBUG *

* I KNOW IT WORKS FOR ME *

* SO PUT AWAY THOSE PICK-UP LINES AND PUT A ZOOT SUIT ON *

* REMEMBER THIS BEFORE YOUR CHANCE IS GONE *

* SHUT UP AND DANCE *

* SHUT UP AND DANCE *

* SHUT UP AND DANCE *

* IF YOU WANT TO MAKE ROMANCE *

* SHUT UP AND DANCE *

* SHUT UP AND DANCE *

* SHUT UP AND DANCE *

* IF YOU WANT TO MAKE ROMANCE *

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

[ FINALE PLAYS ]

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MY FRIEND AND I BUILT MY CUPCAKE.

YOU CAN'T JUST GO TO THE STORE AND BUY ONE, I IMAGINE.

I'M GOING WITH "NO."

AT THE BURLESQUE EMPORIUM, THEY WERE OUT OF CUPCAKES.

AND SO I HAD TO TAKE IT UPON MYSELF...

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH! HI.

UM --

HI. HI. OKAY.

I'M GONNA JUST CALL FOR SECURITY,

BUT THAT IS IT FOR OUR SHOW TONIGHT.

I WILL SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON "LIVE NUDE COMEDY."

GOOD NIGHT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]