All language subtitles for Live Nude Comedy S01E01 Episode 1 1080p Amazon WEB-DL DD+ 2.0 x264-TrollHD_track4_[eng]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:03,304 GUYS DON'T CALL WOMEN WHO SLEEP AROUND "SLUTS". 2 00:00:03,304 --> 00:00:05,239 UNH-UNH. WE JUST CALL THEM. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 3 00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:07,041 [ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ] 4 00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:10,010 THIS IS THE COOLEST SHOW I'VE EVER BEEN ON. THIS IS MY FANTASY. 5 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,813 LIKE, IF I HAD A DREAM ABOUT DOING COMEDY, THIS IS IT. 6 00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:14,782 I HAVE TO DO STAND-UP COMEDY, 7 00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:17,085 AND I'M JUST NOT SURE HOW IT'S GONNA TURN OUT. 8 00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:20,921 IF I MEET A WOMAN AND SHE HAS A NICE ASS, SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND. 9 00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:22,990 I FEEL LIBERATED WHEN I GET NAKED. 10 00:00:22,990 --> 00:00:25,259 SO IT'S BEEN A GREAT EXPERIENCE. 11 00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:29,063 BUT IF I MEET A WOMAN AND SHE HAS A GREAT ASS, SHE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL. 12 00:00:29,063 --> 00:00:30,698 AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE, 13 00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:33,434 IF I WASN'T WEARING THESE, I WOULD BE NAKED. 14 00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:35,836 I HAVE NEVER WORKED WITH SHANNON ELIZABETH BEFORE. 15 00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:37,705 [ ELIZABETH ] I'M YOUR HOST, SHANNON ELIZABETH. 16 00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:40,508 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 17 00:00:40,508 --> 00:00:43,411 WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY." 18 00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:46,013 THE JITTERS ARE GONE. EXCITEMENT'S KICKING IN. 19 00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:47,315 ENERGY -- YOU CAN FEEL IT. 20 00:00:47,315 --> 00:00:48,649 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 21 00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:50,751 I'M, UH-- I'M-- I'M TAKING A NAP. 22 00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:52,720 [ ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES ] 23 00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:58,025 IT'S FUN TO GET NAKED. 24 00:00:58,025 --> 00:00:59,227 [ LAUGHS ] 25 00:00:59,227 --> 00:01:00,694 * I'LL DO IT, TOO * 26 00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:02,163 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 27 00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:03,964 YOUR HOST FOR "LIVE NUDE COMEDY", 28 00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:05,699 SHANNON ELIZABETH. 29 00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:08,669 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 30 00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,138 [ ELIZABETH ] HI! WELCOME! 31 00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:13,274 WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY"! 32 00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:14,675 THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING. 33 00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:16,810 I AM SHANNON ELIZABETH, 34 00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:20,013 AND WE ARE HERE IN THE EL PORTAL THEATER IN LOS ANGELES,CALIFORNIA. 35 00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:22,850 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 36 00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:28,922 SO, TONIGHT YOU'RE GONNA SEE COMEDIANS AND BURLESQUE DANCERS. 37 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,858 I'VE NEVER DONE BURLESQUE. 38 00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:33,427 SO, IF IT'S OKAY WITH YOU GUYS, I THOUGHT I'D GIVE IT A SHOT. 39 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:36,530 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 40 00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,232 ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA NEED YOUR ENERGY 41 00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:39,767 'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. 42 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,635 SO, YOU GUYS, LIKE, HELP ME OUT HERE. 43 00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:43,904 DO WE HAVE SOME SEXY MUSIC FOR ME TO DANCE TO? 44 00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:46,540 [ ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS ] 45 00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:53,147 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 46 00:02:16,604 --> 00:02:18,038 * COME ON, COME ON * 47 00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:19,307 * SAY YOUR PIECE * 48 00:02:19,307 --> 00:02:20,608 * COME ON, COME ON * 49 00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:22,075 * LET'S GET AROUSED * 50 00:02:22,075 --> 00:02:23,611 * COME ON, COME ON * 51 00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:25,078 * I KNOW YOU CAN FEEL IT, YEAH * 52 00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:26,247 * COME ON, COME ON * 53 00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:27,515 * BE A SLAVE * 54 00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:28,949 * COME ON, COME ON * 55 00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:30,218 * KIDS, YOU, TOO * 56 00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:31,619 * COME ON, COME ON * 57 00:02:31,619 --> 00:02:33,086 * I'M TALKING TO YOU, BABE * 58 00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:34,388 * COME ON, COME ON * 59 00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:35,656 * YOU CAN DO IT, TOO * 60 00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:37,157 * COME ON, COME ON * 61 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,859 * I'M TALKING TO YOU * 62 00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,194 [ ELIZABETH ] OHH! 63 00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:41,595 WHOA. 64 00:02:43,063 --> 00:02:44,164 [ LAUGHTER ] 65 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,533 [ EXHALES ] 66 00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:49,102 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 67 00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:50,571 [ CHUCKLES ] 68 00:02:50,571 --> 00:02:53,641 WHEW! WOW, THAT WAS REALLY CREEPY. 69 00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:56,377 I THINK WE NEED TO INVEST IN SOME SECURITY AROUND HERE. 70 00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:57,978 SORRY ABOUT THAT. 71 00:02:57,978 --> 00:02:59,880 LET'S JUST GET ON TO OUR FIRST PERFORMER. 72 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:03,417 HE IS GONNA BE HERE TO MAKE YOU LAUGH AND SMILE. 73 00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:05,619 SO, GIVE IT UP FOR SAM TRIPOLI! 74 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,321 YEAH! 75 00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:08,522 [ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ] 76 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:10,591 AH! AH! 77 00:03:12,059 --> 00:03:14,328 [ CHUCKLES ] 78 00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:17,398 YEAH! 79 00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:18,966 WHAT'S UP, "LIVE NUDE"? 80 00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:20,534 HOW ARE YOU? 81 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,436 OH, YEAH, GREAT CROWD, MAN. 82 00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:24,104 LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR SHANNON ELIZABETH 83 00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:26,640 AND HER CREEPY FRIENDS, EVERYBODY. 84 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,309 CREEPY! 85 00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:29,510 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 86 00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:31,512 FUN CROWD, FUN CROWD. 87 00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:33,914 YOU GUYS WANT TO HAVE FUN? WHO WANTS TO HAVE FUN HERE? 88 00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:35,416 AH. 89 00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:37,150 YOU WANT TO HAVE FUN, DO THIS-- 90 00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:39,687 GO ON AN INTERVIEW FOR A JOB YOU REALLY DON'T WANT. 91 00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:41,489 THAT'S FUN. 92 00:03:41,489 --> 00:03:43,991 YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT. WHO GIVES A SHIT, RIGHT? 93 00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:45,659 IT'S LIKE, "MR. TRIPOLI, 94 00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:47,461 WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK HERE AT THE PITA PIT?" 95 00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:49,062 "WELL, I LOVE BANGING HIGH-SCHOOL CHICKS, 96 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:51,865 AND, UH, THIS PLACE IS CRAWLING WITH THEM. 97 00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:53,434 DAMN! 98 00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:55,035 IT'S LIKE A SADIE HAWKINS DANCE IN HERE. 99 00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:56,604 HOW DO YOU KEEP YOUR PANTS ON?" 100 00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:59,607 WOW, LOOK AT ALL THE HOT CHICKS IN THE CROWD. 101 00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:01,409 LOOK AT THIS-- HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT. 102 00:04:01,409 --> 00:04:02,943 THIS IS L.A. 103 00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:04,278 I'VE SEEN HOT HOMELESS WOMEN OUT HERE. 104 00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:05,779 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 105 00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,080 WELL, I'VE SEEN, LIKE, FOUR OF THEM-- 106 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,316 BIG TITS, PUSHING A CART 107 00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:10,050 FULL OF EVERYTHING THEY OWN. 108 00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,385 IT'S LIKE, YOU WASH THEM DOWN, THEY'RE GOOD TO GO. 109 00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:12,886 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 110 00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:14,688 THERE ARE SO MANY HOT CHICKS IN THIS TOWN-- 111 00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:16,557 TRUE STORY -- I WAS ON HOL-- IN HOLLYWOOD. 112 00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:19,827 I SAW A HOT CHICK GET HIT BY A CAR 113 00:04:19,827 --> 00:04:22,963 THAT WAS DRIVEN BY THREE HOT CHICKS, MAN. 114 00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:26,233 THAT'S LIKE HOT-ON-HOT CRIME. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 115 00:04:26,233 --> 00:04:27,735 AND YOU KNOW THEY DID IT ON PURPOSE 116 00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:29,770 'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW CATTY WOMEN GET. 117 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:30,971 IT'S LIKE, "ERR! SHE THINKS SHE'S CUTE! WHATEVER! ERR!" 118 00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:33,273 BOOM! RIGHT? 119 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,942 LIKE, YOU EVER HEAR WOMEN COMPLAIN 120 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:37,378 ABOUT THE DOUBLE STANDARD? YOU EVER HEAR THAT? 121 00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,347 [ High-pitched voice ] "YOU KNOW, IF A WOMAN SLEEPS AROUND, SHE'S A SLUT, 122 00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:40,981 AND IF A GUY SLEEPS AROUND, HE'S A STUD, 123 00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:43,584 AND THAT IS BULLSHIT. THAT'S JUST BULLSHIT." 124 00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:45,386 [ NORMAL VOICE ] WELL, I HATE TO TELL YOU-- 125 00:04:45,386 --> 00:04:48,422 THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO CALL WOMEN WHO SLEEP AROUND "SLUTS" ARE WOMEN. 126 00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,223 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 127 00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:52,460 RIGHT? 128 00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:55,463 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 129 00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,266 [ CHUCKLES ] 130 00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:01,268 GUYS DON'T CALL WOMEN WHO SLEEP AROUND "SLUTS", 131 00:05:01,268 --> 00:05:03,471 UNH-UNH. WE JUST CALL THEM. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 132 00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:05,939 PUT THAT ON SPEED DIAL. GET YOUR FREAK ON! 133 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:09,443 WITH OUR NEW iPHONES. ANYONE GOT AN iPHONE? 134 00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:12,245 YEAH. IT'S GOT CRAZY STUFF ON IT, RIGHT, 135 00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:14,014 LIKE, GPS, E-MAIL. 136 00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:15,716 I THINK THERE'S A GEORGE FOREMAN COOKER 137 00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:17,751 SOMEWHERE ON THERE, RIGHT? 138 00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:20,588 YOU PRESS ENOUGH BUTTONS, A BLOW-UP DOLL APPEARS, RIGHT? 139 00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:22,390 YOU HEARD OF PHONE SEX? 140 00:05:22,390 --> 00:05:23,724 WELL, NOW YOU CAN BONE YOUR PHONE, RIGHT? 141 00:05:23,724 --> 00:05:25,258 WHO'S GOING OVER THEIR MINUTES? 142 00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:27,361 THIS GUY RIGHT HERE, HUH? 143 00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:29,997 IT'S NOT TOO FAR AWAY, PEOPLE. 144 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:31,999 IT'S REALLY NOT, DUDE. I READ AN ARTICLE. 145 00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:34,935 THE JAPANESE HAVE CREATED FULLY FUNCTIONAL SEX ROBOTS. 146 00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:37,004 YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH ROBOTS, YEAH. 147 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,572 THEY'RE COMING, AND GUESS WHO THEY'RE COMING FOR. 148 00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:39,840 OUR WOMEN-- 149 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,509 THAT'S WHO THEY'RE COMING FOR. 150 00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:43,010 YEAH, 'CAUSE WE KNOW HOW YOU LADIES 151 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:44,712 LOVE YOUR LITTLE POCKET ROCKETS, HUH, 152 00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:47,915 A LITTLE -- [ IMITATING VIBRATING ] 153 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:51,318 A LITTLE OFFSHORE DRILLING, RIGHT, LADIES, HUH? 154 00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:53,153 IMAGINE HOW MUCH FUN YOU'LL HAVE 155 00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:55,623 WITH SOME WALKING, TALKING iPOD WITH A DETACHABLE PENIS, 156 00:05:55,623 --> 00:05:58,125 CRANKING OUT JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE ALL DAY, RIGHT? 157 00:05:58,125 --> 00:05:59,627 [ LAUGHTER ] 158 00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:01,361 GUYS, YOU'RE GONNA COME HOME ONE DAY, 159 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,362 AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S GETTING SHAGGED 160 00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:03,531 BY A TRANSFORMER. 161 00:06:03,531 --> 00:06:04,598 IT'S GONNA SUCK, RIGHT? 162 00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:05,866 [ LAUGHTER ] 163 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,735 [ LAUGHS ] 164 00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,269 ROBOTS ARE GONNA BE EVERYWHERE, DOING EVERYTHING, PEOPLE. 165 00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:11,639 AND THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO ARE FUCKED, TOO, 166 00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:13,574 LIKE THE ILLEGALS. 167 00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:15,175 THERE GOES THOSE JOBS. 168 00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:16,343 [ LAUGHTER ] 169 00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:18,078 JOBS NOBODY WANTS TO DO, 170 00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:20,013 BUT WE WON'T HAVE TO 'CAUSE ROBOTS ARE DOING THEM. 171 00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:22,149 THAT'S WHY, IF I WAS MEXICO, I'D JUST ATTACK JAPAN. 172 00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:24,317 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE-- 173 00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:26,520 HIT THEM HARD, HIT THEM FAST. 174 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,288 A LITTLE TEQUILA-vs.-SAKE WAR-- 175 00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:30,190 LET'S GET IT ON. 176 00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:31,659 AND LET'S BE HONEST. 177 00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:33,794 WOULDN'T THAT BE THE CUTEST WAR EVER, HUH? 178 00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:35,596 MEXICO vs. JAPAN? COME ON. 179 00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:37,431 THAT'D BE LIKE THE EWOKS TAKING ON THE CARE BEARS. 180 00:06:37,431 --> 00:06:38,932 I COULD -- 181 00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:39,967 [ LAUGHTER ] 182 00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:41,502 [ APPLAUSE ] 183 00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:42,970 [ CHUCKLES ] 184 00:06:42,970 --> 00:06:45,172 I COULD WATCH THAT FOR HOURS, DUDE. 185 00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:47,475 THAT'S WHAT WE NEED-- MORE RANDOM WARS BY RANDOM COUNTRIES. 186 00:06:47,475 --> 00:06:48,942 I'D LOVE TO SEE, LIKE, 187 00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:50,343 DIVISION-III COUNTRIES GOING AT IT, 188 00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:52,379 LIKE, HOLLAND vs. JAMAICA. 189 00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:54,047 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 190 00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:56,617 WINNER GETS A HOOTERS. 191 00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:59,086 YOU GUYS ARE A GOOD CROWD, MAN. 192 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:00,554 YOU REALLY ARE, DUDE. I NEED THIS. 193 00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:02,055 I'M GOING THROUGH SOME STUFF. 194 00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:03,256 I'M BREAKING UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND. 195 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,758 [ AUDIENCE AWs ] 196 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,193 YEAH, IT'S WEIRD. WE MET ON MySpace. 197 00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,361 ANY LADIES HERE ON MySpace? 198 00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:09,362 WHOO! 199 00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:10,598 ONE? NICE. 200 00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:12,065 [ LAUGHTER ] 201 00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:14,568 TOM MUST BE LONELY NOW, YOU KNOW? 202 00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:16,604 ANY FACEBOOK GIRLS? ANY FACEBOOK-- 203 00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:18,005 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 204 00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:19,406 YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LADIES SHOULD GET ON? 205 00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:21,642 MY FACE-- TRY IT ONE TIME. 206 00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,110 IT'S A PLACE TO SIT YOUR ASS. 207 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:25,145 IT'S A GOOD PLACE. 208 00:07:25,145 --> 00:07:28,048 WHO'S BEEN TO VEGAS LATELY-- ANYBODY? 209 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:29,449 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 210 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:31,485 [ CHUCKLES ] 211 00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:33,821 DOES ANYONE PLAY BLACKJACK? 212 00:07:33,821 --> 00:07:34,722 YEAH! 213 00:07:34,722 --> 00:07:36,490 THREE PEOPLE? NICE. 214 00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:38,692 YOU EVER PLAY WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN'T PLAY BLACKJACK? 215 00:07:38,692 --> 00:07:40,861 THAT'S THE WORST. YOU EVER GET THAT? 216 00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:43,864 LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, I'LL TAKE A HIT. 217 00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:46,033 I'LL TAKE ANOTHER HIT. 218 00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:48,401 HOW MUCH DO I HAVE? 24. I'LL TAKE A HIT." 219 00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:50,137 [ LAUGHTER ] 220 00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,105 AND THE DEALER'S LIKE, "SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE A HIT?" 221 00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:54,074 "YEAH, I'D LIKE TO HIT HIM IN THE FACE, IF I COULD." 222 00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,976 A PUNCH AND A KICK, MAYBE. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 223 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,310 THE WORST IS WHEN YOU'RE WINNING. 224 00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:58,779 YOU EVER BEEN WINNING? 225 00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:00,514 WIN A LOT OF MONEY, YOU GOT SOME, 226 00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:02,616 AND THEN YOU DO THE, "ONE MORE HAND." 227 00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:04,084 YOU EVER DONE "ONE MORE HAND"? 228 00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,853 "OH, DUDE, I'LL JUST PLAY ONE MORE HAND." 229 00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:07,354 THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE BLOWING TRUCKERS 230 00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:09,222 ON THE I-15 FOR GAS MONEY HOME. 231 00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:11,024 YOU'RE LIKE, "OHH! HOW EXPENSIVE IS GAS? 232 00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:12,526 WHERE DID ALL THESE TRUCKERS COME FROM?!" 233 00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:15,863 [ IMITATES SLURPING ] 234 00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:18,398 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 235 00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:21,702 THANK YOU. 236 00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:23,704 ARE YOU GUYS APPLAUDING FOR THE JOKE 237 00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:25,205 OR MY BLOWJOB TECHNIQUE? 238 00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:26,574 WHICH ONE? EHH! 239 00:08:26,574 --> 00:08:28,642 LADIES, WORK, WORK, WORK. 240 00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:29,777 IT'S A STROKE AND -- 241 00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:31,879 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 242 00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:36,550 IF THE-- IF THE BLACKJACK TABLES DON'T GET YOU, 243 00:08:36,550 --> 00:08:38,385 THE HOOKERS WILL. 244 00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:41,655 HUH? ANYONE DONE A PRICE CHECK ON A VEGAS HOOKER LATELY? 245 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:44,825 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 246 00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:48,095 THEY WANT $300 AN HOUR. 247 00:08:48,095 --> 00:08:49,697 AN HOUR! 248 00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,398 FOR WHAT? 249 00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:54,001 WHAT DO THESE CHICKS DO-- FLY? 250 00:08:54,001 --> 00:08:54,935 [ LAUGHTER ] 251 00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,536 PICK THE WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS? 252 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,806 I MEAN, FOR THAT KIND OF MONEY, THAT COOCHIE BETTER CURE CANCER. 253 00:08:58,806 --> 00:09:00,407 WHO'S WITH ME ON THAT ONE, RIGHT? 254 00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:02,242 [ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ] 255 00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:04,477 WOULD YOU EVER PAY-- WOMEN WOULD NEVER PAY FOR A HOOKER, RIGHT? 256 00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:06,113 WOULD YOU EVER PAY FOR A HOOKER? 257 00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:08,616 NO, YOU GOT THE GOLDEN TICKET. WHY WOULD YOU DO IT, RIGHT? 258 00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:12,052 THEY TRIED TO OPEN A BROTHEL IN NEVADA THAT CATERS TO WOMEN. 259 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:14,955 AND EVERY GUY'S LIKE, "OH, I'D LOVE TO WORK THERE, 260 00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:18,325 GET PAID TO DO IT. IT'D BE AWESOME." 261 00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:21,561 REALLY? YOU THINK IT'S GONNA BE A GOOD TIME? 262 00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:26,266 YOU THINK THERE'S GONNA BE A LOT OF HOT CHICKS GOING IN THERE? 263 00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:28,168 [ LAUGHTER ] 264 00:09:28,168 --> 00:09:29,569 [ CHUCKLES ] 265 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,204 OR DO YOU THINK IT'S GONNA BE 266 00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:32,840 A PARADE OF FREAKS WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR, 267 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:34,775 JUST LIKE -- [ IMITATES BRAYING ] 268 00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:35,909 "LOVE ME!" 269 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,444 [ IMITATES BRAYING ] 270 00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:39,579 "I WANT TO BE HELD, SPOONED!" 271 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:40,714 [ IMITATES BRAYING ] 272 00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:42,916 AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD! 273 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:45,218 NO!" 274 00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:47,955 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 275 00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:50,824 YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST CROWD I COULD EVER ASK FOR! 276 00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:53,526 GOD BLESS YOU GUYS! ENJOY THE REST OF THE SHOW! 277 00:09:53,526 --> 00:09:55,629 GOD BLESS! "LIVE NUDE"! 278 00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:56,864 FINGER BANG! 279 00:09:56,864 --> 00:10:00,167 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 280 00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:01,969 ALL RIGHT. 281 00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:04,872 SO, THIS NEXT GIRL IS ONE OF THE BEST DANCERS AROUND. 282 00:10:04,872 --> 00:10:07,374 SHE IS HALF-GERMAN AND HALF-PUERTO RICAN. 283 00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:09,076 SO, YOU KNOW THIS ONE'S FEISTY. 284 00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:12,245 PLEASE GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO MISS DAKOTA! 285 00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:14,748 [ JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING ] 286 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,758 [ LATIN MUSIC PLAYING ] 287 00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:38,231 [ MUSIC CONTINUES ] 288 00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,966 * PARA LLEVAR * 289 00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,336 * PARA LLEVAR * 290 00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:20,173 * PARA LLEVAR * 291 00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:23,811 * PARA LLEVAR * 292 00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:27,114 * PARA LLEVAR * 293 00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:30,884 * PARA LLEVAR * 294 00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:34,321 * PARA LLEVAR * 295 00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,525 * PARA LLEVAR * 296 00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:40,760 [ MUSIC STOPS ] 297 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,763 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 298 00:12:45,532 --> 00:12:47,434 IF THIS DANCING THING DOESN'T WORK, 299 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,903 I'LL HAVE TO FIND A REALLY OLD, RICH HUSBAND. 300 00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:51,304 WELL, THAT'S A GOOD THING. 301 00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:52,472 [ LAUGHS ] 302 00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:53,740 SO, HERE'S THE PLAN. 303 00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:55,142 [ APPLAUSE ] 304 00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:56,776 WOW! 305 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:59,646 DID YOU GUYS SEE HOW SHE HAD THAT HAT STUCK ON HER BOOBS? 306 00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:00,881 [ LAUGHTER ] 307 00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:02,415 I THINK I FINALLY UNDERSTAND 308 00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:04,751 WHY GUYS CALL A WOMAN'S CHEST A RACK. 309 00:13:04,751 --> 00:13:06,419 [ LAUGHTER ] 310 00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:07,587 [ LAUGHS ] 311 00:13:07,587 --> 00:13:09,222 SO, THIS NEXT PERFORMER 312 00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:11,558 IS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST COMEDIANS AROUND. 313 00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:13,326 HE WAS BORN IN ENGLAND 314 00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:15,829 BUT ALSO LIVED IN JAMAICA, NEW YORK, AND LOS ANGELES. 315 00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:17,230 I THINK I MIGHT FLIRT WITH HIM LATER 316 00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:18,698 JUST TO GET SOME AIRLINE MILES. 317 00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:20,167 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 318 00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,634 PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR IAN EDWARDS. 319 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,536 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 320 00:13:23,536 --> 00:13:25,138 [ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ] 321 00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:33,947 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 322 00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:37,617 THAT'S HILARIOUS. 323 00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:38,785 ARE Y'ALL FEELING GOOD? 324 00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:40,253 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 325 00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:42,089 YES, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 326 00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:43,523 THERE'S SOME ATTRACTIVE LADIES HERE TONIGHT. 327 00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:45,592 [ SCATTERED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 328 00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:47,394 YEAH, AND ONLY THREE OF THEM RESPONDED TO THE COMPLIMENT... 329 00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:48,628 [ LAUGHTER ] 330 00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:50,163 ...WHICH LEADS ME TO BELIEVE 331 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,498 THAT THE REST OF Y'ALL FEEL THAT YOU'RE UGLY... 332 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,200 [ LAUGHTER ] 333 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,268 ...WHICH IS COOL WITH ME BECAUSE I'LL BE TAKING ADVANTAGE 334 00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:57,737 OF YOUR LOW SELF-ESTEEM AFTER THE SHOW. 335 00:13:57,737 --> 00:13:59,839 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 336 00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:05,178 SO, WHEN I-- SO, WHEN I PUSH UP ON YOU, 337 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:06,579 JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN. JUST LET IT HAPPEN. 338 00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:07,614 JUST -- 339 00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:08,715 [ LAUGHTER ] 340 00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:10,217 I GET THIRSTY A LOT. 341 00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:11,952 I NEED DRINKS, LADIES. I NEED DRINKS. 342 00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:14,221 CALIFORNIA IS A FINE CHICK STATE. 343 00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:16,089 IT'S A REAL FINE CHICK STATE. 344 00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:18,091 THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S HOW CALIFORNIA IS. 345 00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:20,860 YOU CAN'T EVEN GO TO A WEDDING IN CALIFORNIA. 346 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,395 A WEDDING IS A COUPLE EVENT. 347 00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:23,830 YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO GO TO NO WEDDING 348 00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:25,132 LOOKING FOR NO OTHER CHICKS. 349 00:14:25,132 --> 00:14:26,934 EVEN BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE CRIB, 350 00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,635 YOU'RE LIKE, "YO, SHORTY, LET'S GO UP IN THIS WEDDING. 351 00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:30,237 LET'S DO THIS. LET'S HAVE SOME FUN." 352 00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:31,972 [ SMOOCHES ] "LET'S MAKE THIS HAPPEN." 353 00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:34,174 BUT AS SOON AS YOU GET IN THE WEDDING, 354 00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:37,677 YOU START CURSING INSIDE YOUR HEAD. 355 00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,980 "SHIT! 356 00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:42,015 GOD DAMN. 357 00:14:42,015 --> 00:14:46,153 WHO INVITED ALL THESE BAD BITCHES... 358 00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:49,556 TO THIS WEDDING? 359 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:52,492 THIS WEDDING IS OFF THE FUCKING CHAIN. 360 00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:54,127 LOOK AT THIS SHIT. 361 00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:55,862 HUH? OH. I DO. 362 00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:57,965 SHIT! 363 00:14:57,965 --> 00:14:59,732 SON OF A BITCH! 364 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:00,900 AAH!" 365 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:01,969 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 366 00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:03,303 "DAMN! 367 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:04,804 UGH! 368 00:15:04,804 --> 00:15:06,206 UGH! 369 00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:07,740 EVERYBODY SEEN ME SAY "I DO." 370 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,542 FUCK! 371 00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:11,044 THERE IS NO WAY I'M GONNA GET NO PLAY IN THIS FUCKING WEDDING. 372 00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:12,612 THIS IS..." [ LAUGHTER ] 373 00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:14,447 "OH, AND THIS CHICK IN THIS WHITE DRESS 374 00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:16,883 KEEPS FOLLOWING ME AROUND MY FUCKING WEDDING. 375 00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:18,651 AAH! 376 00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:21,254 I HAD NO IDEA I WAS MARRYING A COCK BLOCKER. 377 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,156 THIS IS BULLSHIT, MA. 378 00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:25,458 CAN I JUST TALK TO THESE HOS?" 379 00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:27,060 [ CHUCKLES ] 380 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,895 I USED TO -- I USED TO LIVE WITH THIS GIRL 381 00:15:28,895 --> 00:15:30,763 AND PAY THE RENT. 382 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,232 AND THEN FIVE MONTHS INTO IT, SHE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT? 383 00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:33,500 I'M GONNA COOK FOR YOU TODAY." 384 00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:35,002 AND I GOT EXCITED. 385 00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:36,836 I SAID, "BABE, WHAT YOU GONNA COOK?" 386 00:15:36,836 --> 00:15:38,671 AND THEN IT HIT ME LATER ON. I WAS LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE. 387 00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:41,141 MY MOMS USED TO COOK FOR MY POPS EVERY DAY." 388 00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:43,076 WHEN DID THIS SHIT BECOME NOT STANDARD? 389 00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:44,577 [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] 390 00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:46,079 WHEN DID THIS SHIT BECOME A TREAT... 391 00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:48,581 [ LAUGHTER ] 392 00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:50,817 ...FOR US TO GET EXCITED ABOUT, FELLAS? 393 00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:53,953 THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT. 394 00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:56,056 I MEAN, I PAY THE RENT EVERY DAY. 395 00:15:56,056 --> 00:15:57,224 HOW COME I'M NEVER LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT? 396 00:15:57,224 --> 00:15:58,458 THIS IS YOUR LUCKY DAY. 397 00:15:58,458 --> 00:15:59,659 DON'T SLEEP OUTSIDE TONIGHT. 398 00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:00,660 COME INSIDE." 399 00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,362 [ LAUGHTER ] 400 00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:03,596 "KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 401 00:16:07,034 --> 00:16:08,735 YOU BEEN-- YOU BEEN OUT THERE FOUR NIGHTS. 402 00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,470 I AIN'T GONNA LET YOU STAY OUT THERE A FIFTH. 403 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,605 COME IN, MAN. UNDO THE LEASH, MA, AND COME IN. 404 00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:14,307 AND AS A MATTER OF FACT, BRING THE KIDS. 405 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:15,708 EVERYBODY COME IN. THIS IS BULLSHIT. 406 00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:17,044 WHY IS EVERYBODY OUTSIDE?" 407 00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,080 SEE HOW FUCKED-UP THAT SOUNDS? 408 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,949 THAT'S ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY. 409 00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:25,152 I USED TO LIVE WITH-- I USED TO DATE THIS OTHER CHICK. 410 00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:26,419 [ LAUGHS ] 411 00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:28,388 AND SHE CALLED ME UP ONE DAY. 412 00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:30,057 SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?" 413 00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:31,658 IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SO CONCERNED, 414 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,426 WANT TO MAKE SURE I HAVE A GOOD BIRTHDAY. 415 00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:35,628 BUT THIS IS A TRICK QUESTION, FELLAS... 416 00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:38,298 'CAUSE ALL THIS SHIT MEANS IS, WHATEVER ANSWER YOU GIVE HER, 417 00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:42,235 SHE BETTER BE INCLUDED IN THOSE FUCKING PLANS... 418 00:16:42,235 --> 00:16:44,871 OR ELSE YOU GOT PROBLEMS. 419 00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:46,406 I MEAN, YOU CAN'T TELL HER 420 00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:47,874 WHAT YOU'RE REALLY THINKING, WHICH IS, 421 00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:49,576 "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, 422 00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:50,777 BUT AFTER I DO IT, I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHAT I DID." 423 00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:52,145 [ LAUGHTER ] 424 00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:55,682 YOU CAN'T-- YOU CAN'T SAY THAT SHIT. 425 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,618 SO NOW, ON MY BIRTHDAY, I ENDED UP TAKING HER TO A PLAY. 426 00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:00,453 I TOOK HER TO DINNER. I TOOK HER DANCING. 427 00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:02,089 AND THEN I DROPPED HER OFF AT HER CRIB-- 428 00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:03,923 SOME CHOCOLATES AND SOME FLOWERS. 429 00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:07,927 UH, SHE TURNED MY BIRTHDAY INTO AN EXTRA VALENTINE'S DAY. 430 00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:09,729 [ LAUGHTER ] 431 00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:12,332 SHE STOLE IT. 432 00:17:12,332 --> 00:17:15,502 SHE WAS LIKE, "THIS IS THE BEST YOUR BIRTHDAY I EVER HAD." 433 00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:17,970 [ LAUGHTER ] 434 00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:19,839 THIS-- I'M SITTING THERE LIKE, 435 00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:21,841 "YOU STOLE MY BIRTHDAY. 436 00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:23,510 THIS IS..." 437 00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:28,181 WHO HAS THE POWER IN RELATIONSHIPS-- MEN OR WOMEN? 438 00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:29,616 WOMEN! 439 00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:30,850 SEE HOW BOLD THEY ARE ABOUT THIS? 440 00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:32,819 "WOMEN! WE DO!" 441 00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:34,354 AND THAT'S TRUE, FELLAS. 442 00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,123 WOMEN HAVE THE POWER IN RELATIONSHIPS. 443 00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:37,757 SOME OF Y'ALL FELLAS DON'T BELIEVE THAT, 444 00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:39,592 BUT LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE FROM MY LIFE 445 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:41,027 TO PROVE THAT WOMEN HAVE THE POWER IN RELATIONSHIPS. 446 00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,695 SO, I'M HAVING THIS ARGUMENT 447 00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:44,231 WITH THIS GIRL THAT I OCCASIONALLY SLEEP WITH. 448 00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:45,732 [ LAUGHTER ] 449 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,434 AND SHORTY'S MAD. SHE'S IN MY GRILL. 450 00:17:47,434 --> 00:17:49,102 SHE'S SCREAMING ON ME. 451 00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:50,670 "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE 452 00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:52,339 TO HAVE TO TAKE THE MORNING-AFTER PILL. 453 00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:54,107 YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. 454 00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,775 IT MAKES YOU NAUSEOUS. IT CAN AFFECT YOUR BODY LATER. 455 00:17:55,775 --> 00:17:57,210 YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE." 456 00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:58,745 AND I'M THINKING IN MY HEAD, 457 00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,813 "UH, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE 458 00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:02,849 TO HOPE YOU TAKE THAT SHIT." 459 00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:05,785 [ LAUGHTER ] 460 00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:07,587 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 461 00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:15,628 "AH. YOU HAVE ALL THE POWER RIGHT NOW, SHORTY. 462 00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:17,164 I JUST, UH-- 463 00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:20,467 I'M SITUATION HOSTAGE, ALL RIGHT? 464 00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,068 I JUST HOPE WHEN YOU CALM DOWN, 465 00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:24,837 YOU TAKE THAT SHIT, NOW. 466 00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:27,774 YOU DO KNOW YOU ONLY HAVE 72 HOURS TO CALM DOWN... 467 00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:32,145 OR ELSE I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUSH YOU DOWN THE STAIRS." 468 00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:33,280 [ LAUGHS ] 469 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:37,284 [ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ] 470 00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:38,851 THIS DUDE IS SHAKING HIS HEAD. 471 00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:40,720 YOU'RE MAKING ME HESITANT TO DO MY NEXT EXAMPLE 472 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,455 OF HOW WOMEN HAVE THE POWER IN RELATIONSHIPS. 473 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,157 I SEE YOU SHAKING YOUR HEAD LIKE THAT, 474 00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:45,758 I-I FEEL HESITANT. 475 00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:47,294 BUT I'M GONNA DO IT ANYWAY. THAT'S RIGHT. 476 00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:48,495 I LIKE YOU. YOU GANGSTER. 477 00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:49,796 YOU'S A RIDE-OR-DIE CHICK. 478 00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:51,431 SHE'S LIKE, "DO IT!" 479 00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:53,300 ALL RIGHT, SO, I'M HAVING THIS OTHER ARGUMENT 480 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,634 WITH THIS OTHER GIRL I OCCASIONALLY SLEEP WITH. 481 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,469 [ LAUGHTER ] 482 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,405 NOW, I CAN'T HEAR-- 483 00:18:58,405 --> 00:19:00,307 SHE'S YELLING 10 TIMES LOUDER THAN THE NEXT CHICK. 484 00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:01,874 I CAN'T EVEN HEAR OR MAKE OUT ANY OF THE WORDS SHE'S SAYING. 485 00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:03,142 I LIKE CAN CATCH LIKE-- 486 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,844 THE LAST SENTENCE I CAN CATCH. 487 00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,146 SHE'S LIKE, "I DON'T WANT TO HAVE AN ABORTION! 488 00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,781 I DON'T WANT TO HAVE AN ABORTION!" 489 00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:10,483 I'M LIKE, "LOOK, YOU HAVE ONE ABORTION TODAY. 490 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,051 I GOT THREE SCHEDULED." 491 00:19:12,051 --> 00:19:14,287 [ LAUGHTER ] 492 00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:15,955 NOW QUIT COMPLAINING 493 00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:18,225 AND GET IN THE CAR WITH THE OTHER TWO BITCHES. 494 00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:21,160 YOUR SISTER AND YOUR COUSIN 495 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:24,597 BEEN OUT THERE FOR TWO HOURS WHILE WE WAITING IN HERE! 496 00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:30,337 STOP BEING SELFISH! 497 00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:31,804 I'M PAYING FOR HALF OF YOUR ABORTION, 498 00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:33,640 YOUR COUSIN'S PAYING FOR HER SHIT, 499 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:34,974 AND SHE'S PICKING US UP AND DROPPING US OFF. 500 00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:36,142 SHE'S A FUCKING SOLDIER!" 501 00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:38,211 [ LAUGHTER ] 502 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,216 SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "THAT'S MEAN." 503 00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:44,917 WELL, YOU'RE AT A COMEDY SHOW. 504 00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:47,320 THESE ARE IMAGINARY BITCHES. CALM THE FUCK DOWN. 505 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:48,488 LOOSEN UP. 506 00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:50,122 TAKE THE SHIT SERIOUS. 507 00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:54,227 [ APPLAUSE ] 508 00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:56,095 THESE ARE HYPOTHETICAL HOS. 509 00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:57,964 RELAX. YOU DON'T KNOW. 510 00:19:57,964 --> 00:20:00,867 "I CAN'T BELIEVE HE ABORTED THAT IMAGINARY BABY LIKE THAT. 511 00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:02,735 THAT IS SO FUCKED UP." 512 00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:05,137 [ CHUCKLES ] 513 00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:07,440 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 514 00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:11,911 I HAVE GOOD LUCK, I HAVE BAD LUCK WITH WOMEN. 515 00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:13,946 LET ME-- LOOK-- MY LUCK, MY OVERALL-- 516 00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:16,115 LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE OF MY LUCK, PERIOD. 517 00:20:16,115 --> 00:20:17,650 THIS IS MY LUCK. 518 00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:19,319 LET ME GIVE YOU A METAPHOR FOR MY LUCK. 519 00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:20,920 YOU REMEMBER THAT MOVIE YEARS AGO 520 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:24,491 CALLED "BLUE LAGOON," WITH BROOKE SHIELDS, 521 00:20:24,491 --> 00:20:25,925 AND SHE WAS STRANDED ON AN ISLAND 522 00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,427 WITH THIS OTHER BLOND DUDE 523 00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,095 THAT YOU NEVER SEEN AGAIN IN ANOTHER MOVIE? 524 00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:30,830 REMEMBER THAT SHIT? 525 00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:32,365 YOU KNOW, BUT THEY WERE SHIPWRECKED ON THE ISLAND. 526 00:20:32,365 --> 00:20:34,166 THEY FELL IN LOVE. 527 00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:35,868 THEY HAD A LOVING RELATIONSHIP, AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. 528 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:37,637 I COULD SEE ME IN THE SAME SITUATION, 529 00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:38,971 BUT IT WOULD BE A LITTLE DIFFERENT. 530 00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:40,473 YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? 531 00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:42,008 I'D BE WASHED UP ON SHORE, YOU KNOW, 532 00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:44,344 AND WITH THIS DIME PIECE, THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL. 533 00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:46,012 AND I'M LIKE, "YO, 534 00:20:46,012 --> 00:20:49,616 WE ARE GONNA BE MAKING LOVE EVERY 15 MINUTES." 535 00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:52,218 AND SHE'S LIKE, "COOL, BUT I GOT HERPES." 536 00:20:52,218 --> 00:20:55,488 [ LAUGHTER ] 537 00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:58,525 I'M LIKE, "BITCH, I SAVED YOU. 538 00:20:58,525 --> 00:21:00,026 I WAS SAVING THE FAT GIRL, 539 00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:02,362 AND YOU SCREAMED OUT, 'HELP! HELP!' 540 00:21:02,362 --> 00:21:03,930 AND I WAS LIKE, 'BYE, FAT GIRL.'" 541 00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:06,566 [ LAUGHTER ] 542 00:21:06,566 --> 00:21:08,100 THAT-- THAT FAT GIRL WOULD HAVE 543 00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:09,969 LOST THAT WEIGHT ON COCONUT WATER 544 00:21:09,969 --> 00:21:11,438 IN THREE WEEKS! 545 00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:14,273 NOW-- NOW I'M STUCK ON THIS ISLAND 546 00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:15,942 WITH YOUR DISEASED VAGINA. 547 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,711 THIS IS BULLSHIT." 548 00:21:18,711 --> 00:21:19,879 SO-- 549 00:21:19,879 --> 00:21:21,848 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 550 00:21:21,848 --> 00:21:23,983 SO-- SO, NOW I'M STUCK ON THE ISLAND, RIGHT? 551 00:21:23,983 --> 00:21:26,886 I'M STUCK ON THE ISLAND WITH THIS DISEASED-VAGINA CHICK, 552 00:21:26,886 --> 00:21:28,755 BUT SHE'S A DIME PIECE. 553 00:21:28,755 --> 00:21:30,222 AND I'M A DUDE, YOU KNOW? 554 00:21:30,222 --> 00:21:31,891 SO, I'M A DUDE, AND I'M LIKE, 555 00:21:31,891 --> 00:21:33,793 "OH, THIS GIRL IS INCREDIBLE. I LOVE HER, MAN. 556 00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:35,027 THIS IS-- I JUST GOT TO RESIST THE TEMPTATION." 557 00:21:35,027 --> 00:21:36,696 BUT I'M A DUDE. 558 00:21:36,696 --> 00:21:38,331 SO, AFTER AWHILE, WE'RE GONNA DO IT, YOU KNOW? 559 00:21:38,331 --> 00:21:39,499 AND THE NEXT MORNING I'M PISSING, 560 00:21:39,499 --> 00:21:40,533 AND MY SHIT IS BURNING. 561 00:21:40,533 --> 00:21:41,901 I'M LIKE, "AAH. 562 00:21:41,901 --> 00:21:43,503 THIS HURTS, BUT-- AAH-- 563 00:21:43,503 --> 00:21:45,071 AT LEAST I'LL GET USED TO THIS BURNING SENSATION, 564 00:21:45,071 --> 00:21:46,573 AND AFTER A WHILE, IT WON'T EVEN MATTER." 565 00:21:46,573 --> 00:21:48,408 [ RAPID TAPPING ON MICROPHONE ] 566 00:21:48,408 --> 00:21:50,910 [ LAUGHTER ] 567 00:21:55,748 --> 00:21:58,685 "I KNOW THAT IS NOT A FUCKING HELICOPTER. 568 00:21:58,685 --> 00:22:01,020 YOU SON OF A BITCHES!" 569 00:22:01,020 --> 00:22:03,189 [ APPLAUSE ] 570 00:22:03,189 --> 00:22:04,524 "WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT? 571 00:22:04,524 --> 00:22:07,627 THIS IS BULLSHIT!" 572 00:22:07,627 --> 00:22:09,328 THAT'S MY TIME. IAN EDWARDS. 573 00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:10,930 BIG LOVE, RESPECT. 574 00:22:10,930 --> 00:22:13,566 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 575 00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:22,241 OKAY! 576 00:22:22,241 --> 00:22:23,443 WELL, AS YOU KNOW, 577 00:22:23,443 --> 00:22:25,578 IAN TALKED ABOUT CELIBACY. 578 00:22:25,578 --> 00:22:27,313 IF THIS NEXT PERFORMER WENT CELIBATE, 579 00:22:27,313 --> 00:22:29,849 SHE PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO MAKE A LIVING. 580 00:22:29,849 --> 00:22:33,152 SO PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR TONYA KAY. 581 00:22:33,152 --> 00:22:35,422 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 582 00:22:35,422 --> 00:22:38,958 [ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ] 583 00:22:38,958 --> 00:22:42,194 * DO YOU WANT TO BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND * 584 00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:44,631 * AT THE CHA-CHA CHA-CHA-CHA? * 585 00:22:44,631 --> 00:22:46,298 * BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND * 586 00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:51,337 * I GOT ONE DOLLAR, SACAGAWEA * 587 00:22:51,337 --> 00:22:53,673 * I'LL USE IT TO TEASE YOU * 588 00:22:53,673 --> 00:22:55,642 [ INSTRUMENTAL BREAK ] 589 00:23:08,821 --> 00:23:12,792 * BOY, I'D LIKE TO BUY YOU SOME ICE CREAM * 590 00:23:12,792 --> 00:23:16,262 * I THINK ABOUT IT IN ALL MY GOOD DREAMS * 591 00:23:16,262 --> 00:23:20,099 * I KNOW I MAY NOT BE A WHOOPEE QUEEN * 592 00:23:20,099 --> 00:23:23,703 * I HAVE ENOUGH TO GIVE YOU A BRAIN FREEZE * 593 00:23:23,703 --> 00:23:27,006 * DO YOU WANT TO BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND * 594 00:23:27,006 --> 00:23:29,476 * AT THE CHA-CHA CHA-CHA-CHA? * 595 00:23:29,476 --> 00:23:30,877 * BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND * 596 00:23:30,877 --> 00:23:32,812 * I GOT ONE DOLLAR * 597 00:23:32,812 --> 00:23:35,448 * I'LL USE IT TO TEASE YOU * 598 00:23:35,448 --> 00:23:38,918 * AND HERE ARE MY REASONS * 599 00:23:38,918 --> 00:23:42,922 * YOUR LOVE DON'T COME FOR FREE * 600 00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:46,158 * AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT TO ME * 601 00:23:46,158 --> 00:23:50,262 * IF I COULD BUY AT THE 99-CENT STORE * 602 00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:52,031 * I'D TAKE YOU HOME * 603 00:23:52,031 --> 00:23:53,533 * AND I'D SHOW YOU YOU'RE WORTH MORE * 604 00:23:53,533 --> 00:23:55,468 * CHA-CHA, TRA-LA-LA * 605 00:23:55,468 --> 00:23:57,303 * DO YOU WANT TO? * 606 00:23:57,303 --> 00:23:59,438 * CHA-CHA, TRA-LA-LA * 607 00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:00,807 * DO YOU WANNA? * 608 00:24:00,807 --> 00:24:03,242 * CHA-CHA, TRA-LA-LA * 609 00:24:03,242 --> 00:24:04,744 * DO YOU WANNA? * 610 00:24:04,744 --> 00:24:07,514 * CHA-CHA * 611 00:24:09,148 --> 00:24:12,251 * OH, HONEY, I KNOW HOW TO STRETCH A BOY * 612 00:24:12,251 --> 00:24:16,422 * I CAN FEEL YOU UP IN THE BACK OF THE ICE TRUCK * 613 00:24:16,422 --> 00:24:17,857 * I'D TAKE IT OUT * 614 00:24:17,857 --> 00:24:19,592 * WOULD GIVE IT MY BEST SHOT * 615 00:24:19,592 --> 00:24:21,460 * LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU'RE GONNA * 616 00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:23,295 * LOVE IT A LOT * 617 00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:26,332 * DO YOU WANT TO BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND * 618 00:24:26,332 --> 00:24:28,668 * AT THE CHA-CHA CHA-CHA-CHA? * 619 00:24:28,668 --> 00:24:30,503 * BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND * 620 00:24:30,503 --> 00:24:32,839 * I GOT ONE DOLLAR * 621 00:24:32,839 --> 00:24:34,874 * I'LL USE IT TO TEASE YOU * 622 00:24:34,874 --> 00:24:37,944 * I JUST WANT TO PLEASE YOU * 623 00:24:37,944 --> 00:24:40,379 * CHA-CHA, TRA-LA-LA * 624 00:24:40,379 --> 00:24:41,681 * DO YOU WANNA? * 625 00:24:41,681 --> 00:24:43,983 * CHA-CHA, TRA-LA-LA * 626 00:24:43,983 --> 00:24:45,484 * DO YOU WANNA? * 627 00:24:45,484 --> 00:24:47,620 * CHA-CHA, TRA-LA-LA * 628 00:24:47,620 --> 00:24:49,221 * DO YOU WANNA? * 629 00:24:49,221 --> 00:24:52,959 * CHA-CHA * 630 00:24:52,959 --> 00:24:54,861 * LET'S MAKE A DATE * 631 00:24:54,861 --> 00:24:57,163 * LET'S MAKE IT PROPER * 632 00:24:57,163 --> 00:25:00,600 * PLANT A KISS ON THIS GIRL * 633 00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:01,901 * GIVE ME SOME CAKE * 634 00:25:01,901 --> 00:25:03,903 * WE'LL DO IT ALL ALONE * 635 00:25:03,903 --> 00:25:09,976 * COME ON, BABY, LOVE IS A ROCKY ROAD * 636 00:25:09,976 --> 00:25:13,379 * DO YOU WANT TO CHA-CHA * 637 00:25:13,379 --> 00:25:17,116 * DO YOU WANT TO CHA-CHA, TRA-LA-LA? * 638 00:25:17,116 --> 00:25:20,887 * DO YOU WANT TO CHA-CHA? * 639 00:25:30,096 --> 00:25:33,766 * I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM * 640 00:25:33,766 --> 00:25:37,704 * I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM * 641 00:25:37,704 --> 00:25:39,572 [ MUSIC STOPS ] 642 00:25:39,572 --> 00:25:42,108 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 643 00:25:54,086 --> 00:25:56,022 AND YOU SAY YOU DO FIRE AND STUFF, TOO? 644 00:25:56,022 --> 00:25:58,825 I DO FIRE. I THROW KNIVES. 645 00:25:58,825 --> 00:26:01,728 AND I STILL DANCE. 646 00:26:02,729 --> 00:26:04,530 AND IF YOU PUT A WEAPON IN MY HAND, 647 00:26:04,530 --> 00:26:07,266 I WILL BE THE FIRST PERSON TO BE HAPPY TO LEARN HOW TO USE IT 648 00:26:07,266 --> 00:26:09,636 AND USE IT CORRECTLY. [ LAUGHS ] 649 00:26:09,636 --> 00:26:10,637 DUH NUH NUH! 650 00:26:10,637 --> 00:26:12,271 YEAH! [ LAUGHS ] 651 00:26:12,271 --> 00:26:13,105 [ APPLAUSE ] 652 00:26:13,105 --> 00:26:14,674 ALL RIGHT, WELL, THAT IS IT 653 00:26:14,674 --> 00:26:16,308 FOR TONIGHT'S "LIVE NUDE COMEDY." 654 00:26:16,308 --> 00:26:18,344 I AM SHANNON ELIZABETH, AND I'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME. 655 00:26:18,344 --> 00:26:19,646 GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE. 656 00:26:19,646 --> 00:26:21,848 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 46174

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