Original subtitles

GUYS DON'T CALL WOMEN WHO SLEEP AROUND "SLUTS".

UNH-UNH. WE JUST CALL THEM. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

THIS IS THE COOLEST SHOW I'VE EVER BEEN ON. THIS IS MY FANTASY.

LIKE, IF I HAD A DREAM ABOUT DOING COMEDY, THIS IS IT.

I HAVE TO DO STAND-UP COMEDY,

AND I'M JUST NOT SURE HOW IT'S GONNA TURN OUT.

IF I MEET A WOMAN AND SHE HAS A NICE ASS, SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

I FEEL LIBERATED WHEN I GET NAKED.

SO IT'S BEEN A GREAT EXPERIENCE.

BUT IF I MEET A WOMAN AND SHE HAS A GREAT ASS, SHE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE,

IF I WASN'T WEARING THESE, I WOULD BE NAKED.

I HAVE NEVER WORKED WITH SHANNON ELIZABETH BEFORE.

[ ELIZABETH ] I'M YOUR HOST, SHANNON ELIZABETH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY."

THE JITTERS ARE GONE. EXCITEMENT'S KICKING IN.

ENERGY -- YOU CAN FEEL IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M, UH-- I'M-- I'M TAKING A NAP.

[ ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES ]

IT'S FUN TO GET NAKED.

[ LAUGHS ]

* I'LL DO IT, TOO *

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

YOUR HOST FOR "LIVE NUDE COMEDY",

SHANNON ELIZABETH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ ELIZABETH ] HI! WELCOME!

WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY"!

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.

I AM SHANNON ELIZABETH,

AND WE ARE HERE IN THE EL PORTAL THEATER IN LOS ANGELES,CALIFORNIA.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO, TONIGHT YOU'RE GONNA SEE COMEDIANS AND BURLESQUE DANCERS.

I'VE NEVER DONE BURLESQUE.

SO, IF IT'S OKAY WITH YOU GUYS, I THOUGHT I'D GIVE IT A SHOT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA NEED YOUR ENERGY

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

SO, YOU GUYS, LIKE, HELP ME OUT HERE.

DO WE HAVE SOME SEXY MUSIC FOR ME TO DANCE TO?

[ ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

* COME ON, COME ON *

* SAY YOUR PIECE *

* COME ON, COME ON *

* LET'S GET AROUSED *

* COME ON, COME ON *

* I KNOW YOU CAN FEEL IT, YEAH *

* COME ON, COME ON *

* BE A SLAVE *

* COME ON, COME ON *

* KIDS, YOU, TOO *

* COME ON, COME ON *

* I'M TALKING TO YOU, BABE *

* COME ON, COME ON *

* YOU CAN DO IT, TOO *

* COME ON, COME ON *

* I'M TALKING TO YOU *

[ ELIZABETH ] OHH!

WHOA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ EXHALES ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHEW! WOW, THAT WAS REALLY CREEPY.

I THINK WE NEED TO INVEST IN SOME SECURITY AROUND HERE.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

LET'S JUST GET ON TO OUR FIRST PERFORMER.

HE IS GONNA BE HERE TO MAKE YOU LAUGH AND SMILE.

SO, GIVE IT UP FOR SAM TRIPOLI!

YEAH!

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

AH! AH!

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH!

WHAT'S UP, "LIVE NUDE"?

HOW ARE YOU?

OH, YEAH, GREAT CROWD, MAN.

LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR SHANNON ELIZABETH

AND HER CREEPY FRIENDS, EVERYBODY.

CREEPY!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

FUN CROWD, FUN CROWD.

YOU GUYS WANT TO HAVE FUN? WHO WANTS TO HAVE FUN HERE?

AH.

YOU WANT TO HAVE FUN, DO THIS--

GO ON AN INTERVIEW FOR A JOB YOU REALLY DON'T WANT.

THAT'S FUN.

YOU CAN SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT. WHO GIVES A SHIT, RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE, "MR. TRIPOLI,

WHY DO YOU WANT TO WORK HERE AT THE PITA PIT?"

"WELL, I LOVE BANGING HIGH-SCHOOL CHICKS,

AND, UH, THIS PLACE IS CRAWLING WITH THEM.

DAMN!

IT'S LIKE A SADIE HAWKINS DANCE IN HERE.

HOW DO YOU KEEP YOUR PANTS ON?"

WOW, LOOK AT ALL THE HOT CHICKS IN THE CROWD.

LOOK AT THIS-- HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT.

THIS IS L.A.

I'VE SEEN HOT HOMELESS WOMEN OUT HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WELL, I'VE SEEN, LIKE, FOUR OF THEM--

BIG TITS, PUSHING A CART

FULL OF EVERYTHING THEY OWN.

IT'S LIKE, YOU WASH THEM DOWN, THEY'RE GOOD TO GO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THERE ARE SO MANY HOT CHICKS IN THIS TOWN--

TRUE STORY -- I WAS ON HOL-- IN HOLLYWOOD.

I SAW A HOT CHICK GET HIT BY A CAR

THAT WAS DRIVEN BY THREE HOT CHICKS, MAN.

THAT'S LIKE HOT-ON-HOT CRIME. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

AND YOU KNOW THEY DID IT ON PURPOSE

'CAUSE YOU KNOW HOW CATTY WOMEN GET.

IT'S LIKE, "ERR! SHE THINKS SHE'S CUTE! WHATEVER! ERR!"

BOOM! RIGHT?

LIKE, YOU EVER HEAR WOMEN COMPLAIN

ABOUT THE DOUBLE STANDARD? YOU EVER HEAR THAT?

[ High-pitched voice ] "YOU KNOW, IF A WOMAN SLEEPS AROUND, SHE'S A SLUT,

AND IF A GUY SLEEPS AROUND, HE'S A STUD,

AND THAT IS BULLSHIT. THAT'S JUST BULLSHIT."

[ NORMAL VOICE ] WELL, I HATE TO TELL YOU--

THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO CALL WOMEN WHO SLEEP AROUND "SLUTS" ARE WOMEN.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

RIGHT?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

GUYS DON'T CALL WOMEN WHO SLEEP AROUND "SLUTS",

UNH-UNH. WE JUST CALL THEM. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

PUT THAT ON SPEED DIAL. GET YOUR FREAK ON!

WITH OUR NEW iPHONES. ANYONE GOT AN iPHONE?

YEAH. IT'S GOT CRAZY STUFF ON IT, RIGHT,

LIKE, GPS, E-MAIL.

I THINK THERE'S A GEORGE FOREMAN COOKER

SOMEWHERE ON THERE, RIGHT?

YOU PRESS ENOUGH BUTTONS, A BLOW-UP DOLL APPEARS, RIGHT?

YOU HEARD OF PHONE SEX?

WELL, NOW YOU CAN BONE YOUR PHONE, RIGHT?

WHO'S GOING OVER THEIR MINUTES?

THIS GUY RIGHT HERE, HUH?

IT'S NOT TOO FAR AWAY, PEOPLE.

IT'S REALLY NOT, DUDE. I READ AN ARTICLE.

THE JAPANESE HAVE CREATED FULLY FUNCTIONAL SEX ROBOTS.

YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH ROBOTS, YEAH.

THEY'RE COMING, AND GUESS WHO THEY'RE COMING FOR.

OUR WOMEN--

THAT'S WHO THEY'RE COMING FOR.

YEAH, 'CAUSE WE KNOW HOW YOU LADIES

LOVE YOUR LITTLE POCKET ROCKETS, HUH,

A LITTLE -- [ IMITATING VIBRATING ]

A LITTLE OFFSHORE DRILLING, RIGHT, LADIES, HUH?

IMAGINE HOW MUCH FUN YOU'LL HAVE

WITH SOME WALKING, TALKING iPOD WITH A DETACHABLE PENIS,

CRANKING OUT JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE ALL DAY, RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

GUYS, YOU'RE GONNA COME HOME ONE DAY,

AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S GETTING SHAGGED

BY A TRANSFORMER.

IT'S GONNA SUCK, RIGHT?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

ROBOTS ARE GONNA BE EVERYWHERE, DOING EVERYTHING, PEOPLE.

AND THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO ARE FUCKED, TOO,

LIKE THE ILLEGALS.

THERE GOES THOSE JOBS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

JOBS NOBODY WANTS TO DO,

BUT WE WON'T HAVE TO 'CAUSE ROBOTS ARE DOING THEM.

THAT'S WHY, IF I WAS MEXICO, I'D JUST ATTACK JAPAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE--

HIT THEM HARD, HIT THEM FAST.

A LITTLE TEQUILA-vs.-SAKE WAR--

LET'S GET IT ON.

AND LET'S BE HONEST.

WOULDN'T THAT BE THE CUTEST WAR EVER, HUH?

MEXICO vs. JAPAN? COME ON.

THAT'D BE LIKE THE EWOKS TAKING ON THE CARE BEARS.

I COULD --

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

I COULD WATCH THAT FOR HOURS, DUDE.

THAT'S WHAT WE NEED-- MORE RANDOM WARS BY RANDOM COUNTRIES.

I'D LOVE TO SEE, LIKE,

DIVISION-III COUNTRIES GOING AT IT,

LIKE, HOLLAND vs. JAMAICA.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WINNER GETS A HOOTERS.

YOU GUYS ARE A GOOD CROWD, MAN.

YOU REALLY ARE, DUDE. I NEED THIS.

I'M GOING THROUGH SOME STUFF.

I'M BREAKING UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.

[ AUDIENCE AWs ]

YEAH, IT'S WEIRD. WE MET ON MySpace.

ANY LADIES HERE ON MySpace?

WHOO!

ONE? NICE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

TOM MUST BE LONELY NOW, YOU KNOW?

ANY FACEBOOK GIRLS? ANY FACEBOOK--

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LADIES SHOULD GET ON?

MY FACE-- TRY IT ONE TIME.

IT'S A PLACE TO SIT YOUR ASS.

IT'S A GOOD PLACE.

WHO'S BEEN TO VEGAS LATELY-- ANYBODY?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

DOES ANYONE PLAY BLACKJACK?

YEAH!

THREE PEOPLE? NICE.

YOU EVER PLAY WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN'T PLAY BLACKJACK?

THAT'S THE WORST. YOU EVER GET THAT?

LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, I'LL TAKE A HIT.

I'LL TAKE ANOTHER HIT.

HOW MUCH DO I HAVE? 24. I'LL TAKE A HIT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND THE DEALER'S LIKE, "SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE A HIT?"

"YEAH, I'D LIKE TO HIT HIM IN THE FACE, IF I COULD."

A PUNCH AND A KICK, MAYBE. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THE WORST IS WHEN YOU'RE WINNING.

YOU EVER BEEN WINNING?

WIN A LOT OF MONEY, YOU GOT SOME,

AND THEN YOU DO THE, "ONE MORE HAND."

YOU EVER DONE "ONE MORE HAND"?

"OH, DUDE, I'LL JUST PLAY ONE MORE HAND."

THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE BLOWING TRUCKERS

ON THE I-15 FOR GAS MONEY HOME.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OHH! HOW EXPENSIVE IS GAS?

WHERE DID ALL THESE TRUCKERS COME FROM?!"

[ IMITATES SLURPING ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.

ARE YOU GUYS APPLAUDING FOR THE JOKE

OR MY BLOWJOB TECHNIQUE?

WHICH ONE? EHH!

LADIES, WORK, WORK, WORK.

IT'S A STROKE AND --

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

IF THE-- IF THE BLACKJACK TABLES DON'T GET YOU,

THE HOOKERS WILL.

HUH? ANYONE DONE A PRICE CHECK ON A VEGAS HOOKER LATELY?

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

THEY WANT $300 AN HOUR.

AN HOUR!

FOR WHAT?

WHAT DO THESE CHICKS DO-- FLY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

PICK THE WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS?

I MEAN, FOR THAT KIND OF MONEY, THAT COOCHIE BETTER CURE CANCER.

WHO'S WITH ME ON THAT ONE, RIGHT?

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

WOULD YOU EVER PAY-- WOMEN WOULD NEVER PAY FOR A HOOKER, RIGHT?

WOULD YOU EVER PAY FOR A HOOKER?

NO, YOU GOT THE GOLDEN TICKET. WHY WOULD YOU DO IT, RIGHT?

THEY TRIED TO OPEN A BROTHEL IN NEVADA THAT CATERS TO WOMEN.

AND EVERY GUY'S LIKE, "OH, I'D LOVE TO WORK THERE,

GET PAID TO DO IT. IT'D BE AWESOME."

REALLY? YOU THINK IT'S GONNA BE A GOOD TIME?

YOU THINK THERE'S GONNA BE A LOT OF HOT CHICKS GOING IN THERE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

OR DO YOU THINK IT'S GONNA BE

A PARADE OF FREAKS WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR,

JUST LIKE -- [ IMITATES BRAYING ]

"LOVE ME!"

[ IMITATES BRAYING ]

"I WANT TO BE HELD, SPOONED!"

[ IMITATES BRAYING ]

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD!

NO!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST CROWD I COULD EVER ASK FOR!

GOD BLESS YOU GUYS! ENJOY THE REST OF THE SHOW!

GOD BLESS! "LIVE NUDE"!

FINGER BANG!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

ALL RIGHT.

SO, THIS NEXT GIRL IS ONE OF THE BEST DANCERS AROUND.

SHE IS HALF-GERMAN AND HALF-PUERTO RICAN.

SO, YOU KNOW THIS ONE'S FEISTY.

PLEASE GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO MISS DAKOTA!

[ JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ LATIN MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

* PARA LLEVAR *

* PARA LLEVAR *

* PARA LLEVAR *

* PARA LLEVAR *

* PARA LLEVAR *

* PARA LLEVAR *

* PARA LLEVAR *

* PARA LLEVAR *

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IF THIS DANCING THING DOESN'T WORK,

I'LL HAVE TO FIND A REALLY OLD, RICH HUSBAND.

WELL, THAT'S A GOOD THING.

[ LAUGHS ]

SO, HERE'S THE PLAN.

[ APPLAUSE ]

WOW!

DID YOU GUYS SEE HOW SHE HAD THAT HAT STUCK ON HER BOOBS?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I THINK I FINALLY UNDERSTAND

WHY GUYS CALL A WOMAN'S CHEST A RACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

SO, THIS NEXT PERFORMER

IS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST COMEDIANS AROUND.

HE WAS BORN IN ENGLAND

BUT ALSO LIVED IN JAMAICA, NEW YORK, AND LOS ANGELES.

I THINK I MIGHT FLIRT WITH HIM LATER

JUST TO GET SOME AIRLINE MILES.

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR IAN EDWARDS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S HILARIOUS.

ARE Y'ALL FEELING GOOD?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YES, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

THERE'S SOME ATTRACTIVE LADIES HERE TONIGHT.

[ SCATTERED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, AND ONLY THREE OF THEM RESPONDED TO THE COMPLIMENT...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...WHICH LEADS ME TO BELIEVE

THAT THE REST OF Y'ALL FEEL THAT YOU'RE UGLY...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...WHICH IS COOL WITH ME BECAUSE I'LL BE TAKING ADVANTAGE

OF YOUR LOW SELF-ESTEEM AFTER THE SHOW.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO, WHEN I-- SO, WHEN I PUSH UP ON YOU,

JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN. JUST LET IT HAPPEN.

JUST --

[ LAUGHTER ]

I GET THIRSTY A LOT.

I NEED DRINKS, LADIES. I NEED DRINKS.

CALIFORNIA IS A FINE CHICK STATE.

IT'S A REAL FINE CHICK STATE.

THAT'S JUST-- THAT'S HOW CALIFORNIA IS.

YOU CAN'T EVEN GO TO A WEDDING IN CALIFORNIA.

A WEDDING IS A COUPLE EVENT.

YOU AIN'T SUPPOSED TO GO TO NO WEDDING

LOOKING FOR NO OTHER CHICKS.

EVEN BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE CRIB,

YOU'RE LIKE, "YO, SHORTY, LET'S GO UP IN THIS WEDDING.

LET'S DO THIS. LET'S HAVE SOME FUN."

[ SMOOCHES ] "LET'S MAKE THIS HAPPEN."

BUT AS SOON AS YOU GET IN THE WEDDING,

YOU START CURSING INSIDE YOUR HEAD.

"SHIT!

GOD DAMN.

WHO INVITED ALL THESE BAD BITCHES...

TO THIS WEDDING?

THIS WEDDING IS OFF THE FUCKING CHAIN.

LOOK AT THIS SHIT.

HUH? OH. I DO.

SHIT!

SON OF A BITCH!

AAH!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"DAMN!

UGH!

UGH!

EVERYBODY SEEN ME SAY "I DO."

FUCK!

THERE IS NO WAY I'M GONNA GET NO PLAY IN THIS FUCKING WEDDING.

THIS IS..." [ LAUGHTER ]

"OH, AND THIS CHICK IN THIS WHITE DRESS

KEEPS FOLLOWING ME AROUND MY FUCKING WEDDING.

AAH!

I HAD NO IDEA I WAS MARRYING A COCK BLOCKER.

THIS IS BULLSHIT, MA.

CAN I JUST TALK TO THESE HOS?"

[ CHUCKLES ]

I USED TO -- I USED TO LIVE WITH THIS GIRL

AND PAY THE RENT.

AND THEN FIVE MONTHS INTO IT, SHE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA COOK FOR YOU TODAY."

AND I GOT EXCITED.

I SAID, "BABE, WHAT YOU GONNA COOK?"

AND THEN IT HIT ME LATER ON. I WAS LIKE, "WAIT A MINUTE.

MY MOMS USED TO COOK FOR MY POPS EVERY DAY."

WHEN DID THIS SHIT BECOME NOT STANDARD?

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]

WHEN DID THIS SHIT BECOME A TREAT...

[ LAUGHTER ]

...FOR US TO GET EXCITED ABOUT, FELLAS?

THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT.

I MEAN, I PAY THE RENT EVERY DAY.

HOW COME I'M NEVER LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS YOUR LUCKY DAY.

DON'T SLEEP OUTSIDE TONIGHT.

COME INSIDE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU BEEN-- YOU BEEN OUT THERE FOUR NIGHTS.

I AIN'T GONNA LET YOU STAY OUT THERE A FIFTH.

COME IN, MAN. UNDO THE LEASH, MA, AND COME IN.

AND AS A MATTER OF FACT, BRING THE KIDS.

EVERYBODY COME IN. THIS IS BULLSHIT.

WHY IS EVERYBODY OUTSIDE?"

SEE HOW FUCKED-UP THAT SOUNDS?

THAT'S ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY.

I USED TO LIVE WITH-- I USED TO DATE THIS OTHER CHICK.

[ LAUGHS ]

AND SHE CALLED ME UP ONE DAY.

SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?"

IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SO CONCERNED,

WANT TO MAKE SURE I HAVE A GOOD BIRTHDAY.

BUT THIS IS A TRICK QUESTION, FELLAS...

'CAUSE ALL THIS SHIT MEANS IS, WHATEVER ANSWER YOU GIVE HER,

SHE BETTER BE INCLUDED IN THOSE FUCKING PLANS...

OR ELSE YOU GOT PROBLEMS.

I MEAN, YOU CAN'T TELL HER

WHAT YOU'RE REALLY THINKING, WHICH IS,

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING,

BUT AFTER I DO IT, I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHAT I DID."

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU CAN'T-- YOU CAN'T SAY THAT SHIT.

SO NOW, ON MY BIRTHDAY, I ENDED UP TAKING HER TO A PLAY.

I TOOK HER TO DINNER. I TOOK HER DANCING.

AND THEN I DROPPED HER OFF AT HER CRIB--

SOME CHOCOLATES AND SOME FLOWERS.

UH, SHE TURNED MY BIRTHDAY INTO AN EXTRA VALENTINE'S DAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SHE STOLE IT.

SHE WAS LIKE, "THIS IS THE BEST YOUR BIRTHDAY I EVER HAD."

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS-- I'M SITTING THERE LIKE,

"YOU STOLE MY BIRTHDAY.

THIS IS..."

WHO HAS THE POWER IN RELATIONSHIPS-- MEN OR WOMEN?

WOMEN!

SEE HOW BOLD THEY ARE ABOUT THIS?

"WOMEN! WE DO!"

AND THAT'S TRUE, FELLAS.

WOMEN HAVE THE POWER IN RELATIONSHIPS.

SOME OF Y'ALL FELLAS DON'T BELIEVE THAT,

BUT LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE FROM MY LIFE

TO PROVE THAT WOMEN HAVE THE POWER IN RELATIONSHIPS.

SO, I'M HAVING THIS ARGUMENT

WITH THIS GIRL THAT I OCCASIONALLY SLEEP WITH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND SHORTY'S MAD. SHE'S IN MY GRILL.

SHE'S SCREAMING ON ME.

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE

TO HAVE TO TAKE THE MORNING-AFTER PILL.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE.

IT MAKES YOU NAUSEOUS. IT CAN AFFECT YOUR BODY LATER.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE."

AND I'M THINKING IN MY HEAD,

"UH, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE

TO HOPE YOU TAKE THAT SHIT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"AH. YOU HAVE ALL THE POWER RIGHT NOW, SHORTY.

I JUST, UH--

I'M SITUATION HOSTAGE, ALL RIGHT?

I JUST HOPE WHEN YOU CALM DOWN,

YOU TAKE THAT SHIT, NOW.

YOU DO KNOW YOU ONLY HAVE 72 HOURS TO CALM DOWN...

OR ELSE I'M GONNA HAVE TO PUSH YOU DOWN THE STAIRS."

[ LAUGHS ]

[ SCATTERED APPLAUSE ]

THIS DUDE IS SHAKING HIS HEAD.

YOU'RE MAKING ME HESITANT TO DO MY NEXT EXAMPLE

OF HOW WOMEN HAVE THE POWER IN RELATIONSHIPS.

I SEE YOU SHAKING YOUR HEAD LIKE THAT,

I-I FEEL HESITANT.

BUT I'M GONNA DO IT ANYWAY. THAT'S RIGHT.

I LIKE YOU. YOU GANGSTER.

YOU'S A RIDE-OR-DIE CHICK.

SHE'S LIKE, "DO IT!"

ALL RIGHT, SO, I'M HAVING THIS OTHER ARGUMENT

WITH THIS OTHER GIRL I OCCASIONALLY SLEEP WITH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, I CAN'T HEAR--

SHE'S YELLING 10 TIMES LOUDER THAN THE NEXT CHICK.

I CAN'T EVEN HEAR OR MAKE OUT ANY OF THE WORDS SHE'S SAYING.

I LIKE CAN CATCH LIKE--

THE LAST SENTENCE I CAN CATCH.

SHE'S LIKE, "I DON'T WANT TO HAVE AN ABORTION!

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE AN ABORTION!"

I'M LIKE, "LOOK, YOU HAVE ONE ABORTION TODAY.

I GOT THREE SCHEDULED."

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW QUIT COMPLAINING

AND GET IN THE CAR WITH THE OTHER TWO BITCHES.

YOUR SISTER AND YOUR COUSIN

BEEN OUT THERE FOR TWO HOURS WHILE WE WAITING IN HERE!

STOP BEING SELFISH!

I'M PAYING FOR HALF OF YOUR ABORTION,

YOUR COUSIN'S PAYING FOR HER SHIT,

AND SHE'S PICKING US UP AND DROPPING US OFF.

SHE'S A FUCKING SOLDIER!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE, "THAT'S MEAN."

WELL, YOU'RE AT A COMEDY SHOW.

THESE ARE IMAGINARY BITCHES. CALM THE FUCK DOWN.

LOOSEN UP.

TAKE THE SHIT SERIOUS.

[ APPLAUSE ]

THESE ARE HYPOTHETICAL HOS.

RELAX. YOU DON'T KNOW.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE HE ABORTED THAT IMAGINARY BABY LIKE THAT.

THAT IS SO FUCKED UP."

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I HAVE GOOD LUCK, I HAVE BAD LUCK WITH WOMEN.

LET ME-- LOOK-- MY LUCK, MY OVERALL--

LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE OF MY LUCK, PERIOD.

THIS IS MY LUCK.

LET ME GIVE YOU A METAPHOR FOR MY LUCK.

YOU REMEMBER THAT MOVIE YEARS AGO

CALLED "BLUE LAGOON," WITH BROOKE SHIELDS,

AND SHE WAS STRANDED ON AN ISLAND

WITH THIS OTHER BLOND DUDE

THAT YOU NEVER SEEN AGAIN IN ANOTHER MOVIE?

REMEMBER THAT SHIT?

YOU KNOW, BUT THEY WERE SHIPWRECKED ON THE ISLAND.

THEY FELL IN LOVE.

THEY HAD A LOVING RELATIONSHIP, AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

I COULD SEE ME IN THE SAME SITUATION,

BUT IT WOULD BE A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

I'D BE WASHED UP ON SHORE, YOU KNOW,

AND WITH THIS DIME PIECE, THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL.

AND I'M LIKE, "YO,

WE ARE GONNA BE MAKING LOVE EVERY 15 MINUTES."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "COOL, BUT I GOT HERPES."

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M LIKE, "BITCH, I SAVED YOU.

I WAS SAVING THE FAT GIRL,

AND YOU SCREAMED OUT, 'HELP! HELP!'

AND I WAS LIKE, 'BYE, FAT GIRL.'"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT-- THAT FAT GIRL WOULD HAVE

LOST THAT WEIGHT ON COCONUT WATER

IN THREE WEEKS!

NOW-- NOW I'M STUCK ON THIS ISLAND

WITH YOUR DISEASED VAGINA.

THIS IS BULLSHIT."

SO--

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SO-- SO, NOW I'M STUCK ON THE ISLAND, RIGHT?

I'M STUCK ON THE ISLAND WITH THIS DISEASED-VAGINA CHICK,

BUT SHE'S A DIME PIECE.

AND I'M A DUDE, YOU KNOW?

SO, I'M A DUDE, AND I'M LIKE,

"OH, THIS GIRL IS INCREDIBLE. I LOVE HER, MAN.

THIS IS-- I JUST GOT TO RESIST THE TEMPTATION."

BUT I'M A DUDE.

SO, AFTER AWHILE, WE'RE GONNA DO IT, YOU KNOW?

AND THE NEXT MORNING I'M PISSING,

AND MY SHIT IS BURNING.

I'M LIKE, "AAH.

THIS HURTS, BUT-- AAH--

AT LEAST I'LL GET USED TO THIS BURNING SENSATION,

AND AFTER A WHILE, IT WON'T EVEN MATTER."

[ RAPID TAPPING ON MICROPHONE ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I KNOW THAT IS NOT A FUCKING HELICOPTER.

YOU SON OF A BITCHES!"

[ APPLAUSE ]

"WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?

THIS IS BULLSHIT!"

THAT'S MY TIME. IAN EDWARDS.

BIG LOVE, RESPECT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OKAY!

WELL, AS YOU KNOW,

IAN TALKED ABOUT CELIBACY.

IF THIS NEXT PERFORMER WENT CELIBATE,

SHE PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO MAKE A LIVING.

SO PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR TONYA KAY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

* DO YOU WANT TO BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND *

* AT THE CHA-CHA CHA-CHA-CHA? *

* BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND *

* I GOT ONE DOLLAR, SACAGAWEA *

* I'LL USE IT TO TEASE YOU *

[ INSTRUMENTAL BREAK ]

* BOY, I'D LIKE TO BUY YOU SOME ICE CREAM *

* I THINK ABOUT IT IN ALL MY GOOD DREAMS *

* I KNOW I MAY NOT BE A WHOOPEE QUEEN *

* I HAVE ENOUGH TO GIVE YOU A BRAIN FREEZE *

* DO YOU WANT TO BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND *

* AT THE CHA-CHA CHA-CHA-CHA? *

* BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND *

* I GOT ONE DOLLAR *

* I'LL USE IT TO TEASE YOU *

* AND HERE ARE MY REASONS *

* YOUR LOVE DON'T COME FOR FREE *

* AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT TO ME *

* IF I COULD BUY AT THE 99-CENT STORE *

* I'D TAKE YOU HOME *

* AND I'D SHOW YOU YOU'RE WORTH MORE *

* CHA-CHA, TRA-LA-LA *

* DO YOU WANT TO? *

* CHA-CHA, TRA-LA-LA *

* DO YOU WANNA? *

* CHA-CHA, TRA-LA-LA *

* DO YOU WANNA? *

* CHA-CHA *

* OH, HONEY, I KNOW HOW TO STRETCH A BOY *

* I CAN FEEL YOU UP IN THE BACK OF THE ICE TRUCK *

* I'D TAKE IT OUT *

* WOULD GIVE IT MY BEST SHOT *

* LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU'RE GONNA *

* LOVE IT A LOT *

* DO YOU WANT TO BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND *

* AT THE CHA-CHA CHA-CHA-CHA? *

* BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND *

* I GOT ONE DOLLAR *

* I'LL USE IT TO TEASE YOU *

* I JUST WANT TO PLEASE YOU *

* CHA-CHA, TRA-LA-LA *

* DO YOU WANNA? *

* CHA-CHA, TRA-LA-LA *

* DO YOU WANNA? *

* CHA-CHA, TRA-LA-LA *

* DO YOU WANNA? *

* CHA-CHA *

* LET'S MAKE A DATE *

* LET'S MAKE IT PROPER *

* PLANT A KISS ON THIS GIRL *

* GIVE ME SOME CAKE *

* WE'LL DO IT ALL ALONE *

* COME ON, BABY, LOVE IS A ROCKY ROAD *

* DO YOU WANT TO CHA-CHA *

* DO YOU WANT TO CHA-CHA, TRA-LA-LA? *

* DO YOU WANT TO CHA-CHA? *

* I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM *

* I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM *

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND YOU SAY YOU DO FIRE AND STUFF, TOO?

I DO FIRE. I THROW KNIVES.

AND I STILL DANCE.

AND IF YOU PUT A WEAPON IN MY HAND,

I WILL BE THE FIRST PERSON TO BE HAPPY TO LEARN HOW TO USE IT

AND USE IT CORRECTLY. [ LAUGHS ]

DUH NUH NUH!

YEAH! [ LAUGHS ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

ALL RIGHT, WELL, THAT IS IT

FOR TONIGHT'S "LIVE NUDE COMEDY."

I AM SHANNON ELIZABETH, AND I'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]