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[screaming]
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ANNOUNCER: FXX presents
Archer 1999.
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Ray: All right,
let's get this over with.
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[clears throat]
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This proceeding and any
sentences arising therefrom
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shall be conducted under
the Federation Judicial Code,
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Article Nine,
in re attempted murder
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and mutiny,
both capital offenses.
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Now, I know
you've all been sworn,
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00:00:23,936 --> 00:00:25,982
and I have read
your complaints.
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- I have a question.
- Is it, "What's the best way
12
00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:29,725
to interrupt a judge?"
- [laughs] No.
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- Then--
- It's, "Why does a spaceship
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have an enormousdedicated courtroom in it?"
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- Yeah, right?
- I don't know!
16
00:00:36,732 --> 00:00:38,081
I didn't build it.
- Well, it's ridiculous.
17
00:00:38,255 --> 00:00:42,346
I basically sleep in a coffin,and this could have been...
18
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,087
2 1/2 squash courts.
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00:00:44,261 --> 00:00:48,135
- Ooh, or a holodeck!
- We havea holodeck.
20
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- Yeah, but we never use it.
- Can we please--
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- Oh, so hey,why not just have the holodeck
22
00:00:52,835 --> 00:00:54,097
turn into a courtroom?
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00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:56,099
- Ooh, or 2 1/2
squash courts.
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00:00:56,273 --> 00:00:58,232
[gavel banging]
- Order! Order, or I will
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00:00:58,406 --> 00:01:00,973
hold you all in a different
kind of contempt.
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[grunts]
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Now, then, Mr. Figgis,
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are the people
ready to proceed?
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- [laughs]
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Oh, yeah.
[laughs]
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Uh...
- [clears throat]
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- Oh, uh, sorry.
Yes, Your Honor, the, uh--
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- [clears throat]
- What is--
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00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:20,254
Ray: [clears throat]
- Oh, come on, seriously?
35
00:01:20,428 --> 00:01:22,821
[sighs]
Yes, Your Honor.
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The people are ready
to proceed.
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- That's what I thought.
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00:01:26,738 --> 00:01:29,219
And is the defendant
ready to proceed?
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00:01:29,393 --> 00:01:32,614
- No, the defendant is not
because there is no defendant
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00:01:32,788 --> 00:01:36,096
because this whole thing
is a sham and a farce,
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00:01:36,270 --> 00:01:38,968
and I don't recognize
this kangaroo court's authority
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00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,797
because it's presided over
by a male prostitute.
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- Courtesan!
- Pobobot!
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[gavel clacking]
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- And by God,
you will recognize it
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because prior to my
current circumstances,
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for 16 years, I was a
Federation High Court Justice!
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- I have a question.
- Woman, I swear to God.
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00:01:55,376 --> 00:01:57,117
- How'd you go from beinga Federation judge
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to, like,blowing space truckers?
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- Well, missy.
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[chuckling]
Th-that is a--
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oh, that is a long,
crazy story.
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[clears throat]
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00:02:06,474 --> 00:02:07,649
But it is entirely nongermane
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00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:10,391
to the solemn proceeding
before this bench.
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And so, Mr. Archer,
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00:02:12,828 --> 00:02:15,396
having reminded you that
the man who represents himself
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has a fool for a client--
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- [laughs]
I'm not representing myself.
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- Well, then who is?
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00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:24,274
- [laughs]
Oh, just TV's Michael Gray.
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- Who, for reasons known
but to God,
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is wearing seersucker.
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- So if you wanna go aheadand do that motion to dismiss,
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00:02:31,412 --> 00:02:33,936
now would, uh,
maybe be a good time.
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Oh, and also,
we wish to countersue.
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- I'm not typing that.
- What?
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Ray: I'm gonna allow it!
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- For injuries and damages
from you assholes
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attempting to murder me
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so Lana could steal
half of the ship.
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Well, when TV's Michael Gray
is done with you,
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00:02:47,471 --> 00:02:49,604
I'm gonna own your half.
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- So, hey, I don't think
this is going as well
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as you think it's going.
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- You goddamn crook.
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[main title theme]
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♪ ♪
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[Archer grunting]
[Lana struggling]
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- Jesus, okay.I think that's enough.
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I don't wish to cause
the witness
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any further distress.
- I'm fine, Your Honor.
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00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:51,796
- What about my magazine?
- Will you--
85
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- There's lots more video,
Your Honor.
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- Like the part when Pam
smashed me in the head
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00:03:56,148 --> 00:03:57,280
with a fire extinguisher.
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- [laughing] Yeah!
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Play that!Ka-klunk!
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[laughs]
[gavel clacking]
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- Do the people haveany further questions
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00:04:03,591 --> 00:04:05,767
for this witness?
- Not at this time, Your Honor.
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00:04:05,941 --> 00:04:07,464
- Then your witness.
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- Well?Uh, what are you waiting for?
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[tense music]
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Get up thereand cross-examine her.
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What are you, hourly?
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- I think I would be,
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if I was a lawyer.
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00:04:17,474 --> 00:04:18,214
- Damn it.
- Look at me.
101
00:04:18,388 --> 00:04:19,302
Look at me.
Look at me.
102
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Something is wrong
with your brain.
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You need to plead not guilty
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00:04:22,479 --> 00:04:24,002
by reason of insanity.
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Beg them for mercy
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and realize
you're hallucinating me.
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- I'll see youdisbarred for this.
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00:04:31,488 --> 00:04:32,924
- Great,
look forward to it.
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- Point of procedure.
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I, uh, no longer wishto be represented
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by TV's Michael Gray.
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- All righty.
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Are the peopleokay with him
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not havingan imaginary lawyer?
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- [chuckling]
They're great with it.
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- Then your witness.
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- Thank you.
Now, then, Miss Kane, is it?
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[static crackling]
119
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- Yup.
[static crackling]
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00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:53,293
- [sighs] Um...
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Damn, I had something for this.
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- Did ya?
Archer: Actually,
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can we maybe
call her back at a, uh,
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time later than, um--
later than now?
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00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,435
- You're just a regularClarence Darrow.
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00:05:05,609 --> 00:05:08,438
[sighs] You may step down.Thank you.
127
00:05:08,612 --> 00:05:09,613
Call your next witness.
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- Your Honor, the people call
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00:05:11,528 --> 00:05:14,401
the defendant's mother,
Malory Archer.
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00:05:14,531 --> 00:05:16,838
- Ooh.
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00:05:18,143 --> 00:05:21,277
Come on, are we not doing that?
[door hisses]
132
00:05:23,453 --> 00:05:25,412
- Ooh.
- Oh, come on.
133
00:05:25,542 --> 00:05:28,284
Are you kidding me?
- Sit down, sir!
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00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,808
- Are you--she's dressed
exactly like Marlene Dietrich
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00:05:30,982 --> 00:05:32,332
in "Witness
for the Prosecution,"
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00:05:32,462 --> 00:05:35,770
right down to the hair
and the rakish little beret.
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[chuckles]
Are you seeing this?
138
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- Are you?
- What?
139
00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:40,775
[static crackling]
How the--
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Objection. I object.
141
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- To what?
- I will ask the question!
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[clears throat] It's actually
the same question.
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00:05:47,477 --> 00:05:49,087
- I don't know.
Everything!
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00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,089
- Oh, then I guess
we can all go home.
145
00:05:51,263 --> 00:05:52,352
[static crackling]
- Can we?
146
00:05:52,526 --> 00:05:53,570
- What the hell is happening?
147
00:05:53,614 --> 00:05:55,006
- Don't look at me.
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- God damn it,
TV's Michael Gray.
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- Uh, Your Honor--
- Wait, wait, shut up.
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- You shut up!
[gavel clacking]
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- Order!
You're out of order!
152
00:06:01,622 --> 00:06:04,451
- You're out of order!
You're out of order!
153
00:06:04,581 --> 00:06:06,366
This whole trial
is out of order!
154
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[muffled alarm]
Th-they're out of order!
155
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- Everybody shut up!
156
00:06:10,065 --> 00:06:12,023
And you bang that thing
one more time,
157
00:06:12,154 --> 00:06:13,460
I'll break it off inside you.
158
00:06:13,634 --> 00:06:14,591
- [coughing]
Legit phrasing.
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- Shh! Listen.
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female voice: Proximity alert.
161
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- What's going on?
- What alert?
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- Why the hell is there
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a proximity--
[rumbling]
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all: Whoa!
- Ow!
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female voice: Collision.
166
00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:24,601
- How the--Who's on the bridge?
167
00:06:24,775 --> 00:06:26,821
- Nobody,
because we're all down here
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at this goddamn
kangaroo railroad.
169
00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:32,870
- What?
- The--the--the--the--the--
170
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Choo-choo!
- Krieger!
171
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Why aren't you up there?
172
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:38,310
- Well, then who would do this?
173
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- Holy shit, dude,that's really good.
174
00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:42,358
- You don't think
it's derivative?
175
00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:44,055
- No, 'cause I don't knowwhat that is.
176
00:06:44,099 --> 00:06:45,274
- [sighs]
It's when--
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- Krieger!
Status report!
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- [groans]
- Right?
179
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,324
- Okay, uh, we've got
moderate hull damage
180
00:06:52,499 --> 00:06:54,979
to starboard amidships, um--
- From what?
181
00:06:55,153 --> 00:06:56,503
- I don't know.
Jesus.
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00:06:56,633 --> 00:06:58,418
Turn that thing
to the exterior cameras.
183
00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:00,507
- Oh, right.
[button clicks]
184
00:07:00,681 --> 00:07:02,683
[monitor chimes]
[all shout]
185
00:07:02,726 --> 00:07:04,075
Malory: Oh, my God.
186
00:07:04,206 --> 00:07:05,512
Archer: A Dri'n attack barge.
187
00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:07,165
- Which means...
188
00:07:07,339 --> 00:07:08,689
- Boarding party.
189
00:07:08,732 --> 00:07:10,952
- And there ain't no party
like a boarding party
190
00:07:10,995 --> 00:07:13,345
'cause a boarding party
don't stop.
191
00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:14,608
[laughs]
192
00:07:14,782 --> 00:07:17,219
Well, until these
monstrous bastards
193
00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:19,961
have slaked their thirst
for blood.
194
00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:21,702
And let me tell you,
these little devils
195
00:07:21,745 --> 00:07:23,747
are just parched.
- [snarling]
196
00:07:23,921 --> 00:07:24,879
[all shout]
197
00:07:25,009 --> 00:07:26,184
- I know, right?
198
00:07:26,358 --> 00:07:27,882
Barry-6, out.
199
00:07:28,012 --> 00:07:30,014
- Wh-what do we do?What do we do?
200
00:07:30,188 --> 00:07:31,755
- Well, the first thingwe've gotta do--
201
00:07:31,799 --> 00:07:34,454
and I'm sure we can allagree on this--
202
00:07:34,628 --> 00:07:36,151
is declare a mistrial.
203
00:07:41,809 --> 00:07:44,333
[laser humming]
204
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,422
- Come on, man.
What's taking so long?
205
00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:48,119
- [grunting in Dri'n]
206
00:07:48,250 --> 00:07:49,773
- "Space metal"?
- [grunts]
207
00:07:49,817 --> 00:07:51,558
- Think about how dumb
that sounds.
208
00:07:51,732 --> 00:07:52,994
Now, come on, let's
209
00:07:53,168 --> 00:07:54,604
peel this banana and...
210
00:07:54,778 --> 00:07:56,127
[grunts] Take a bite.
211
00:07:56,258 --> 00:07:57,346
I mean, before
they all get away
212
00:07:57,389 --> 00:07:58,521
in an escape pod,
of course.
213
00:07:58,565 --> 00:07:59,783
Lana: Cyril!
214
00:07:59,827 --> 00:08:01,219
Cyril: Lana...
- You are not...
215
00:08:01,393 --> 00:08:02,699
- I'm serious.
- Abandoning ship.
216
00:08:02,830 --> 00:08:05,572
- Do not make me hit you.
- Excuse me?
217
00:08:05,746 --> 00:08:07,008
- No, I--
I didn't mean that.
218
00:08:07,182 --> 00:08:08,357
[blow lands]
[groans]
219
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:09,619
- Whoa!
- Ow!
220
00:08:09,793 --> 00:08:11,012
- [laughs]
Serves you right!
221
00:08:11,186 --> 00:08:12,579
- Trying to cut the line
like that!
222
00:08:12,753 --> 00:08:15,016
- What--No one is abandoning ship!
223
00:08:15,059 --> 00:08:16,670
We're gonna stay hereand fight!
224
00:08:16,844 --> 00:08:17,714
- I really don't think
we should.
225
00:08:17,758 --> 00:08:20,282
- [laughs]Yeah, good luck with that.
226
00:08:20,456 --> 00:08:21,588
- Meaning?
227
00:08:21,631 --> 00:08:23,024
- Meaning those freaksare literally gonna
228
00:08:23,198 --> 00:08:25,156
chew you up and spit you out.
- Well--
229
00:08:25,287 --> 00:08:26,723
- Or not spit you out.
230
00:08:26,854 --> 00:08:28,290
I don't know about pirate
dining etiquette,
231
00:08:28,420 --> 00:08:30,292
but definitely
the chewing up part.
232
00:08:30,466 --> 00:08:32,773
- Well, nobody asked you,
since last I checked,
233
00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:34,296
you're a goddamn mutineer.
234
00:08:34,470 --> 00:08:36,820
- Well, the last I checked--and I'm not being facetious--
235
00:08:36,994 --> 00:08:38,518
nice sweater dress.
- What?
236
00:08:38,648 --> 00:08:40,084
- Sweater dress?
- What?
237
00:08:40,258 --> 00:08:42,260
- So you think maybe
you arecrazy?
238
00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:45,046
- [laughs]I'm crazy?
239
00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:46,047
- I mean...
240
00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:47,439
- She's crazy if she thinks
241
00:08:47,614 --> 00:08:49,267
she can fight off
an entire barge
242
00:08:49,311 --> 00:08:51,182
full of murderous Dri'n pirateswithout me.
243
00:08:51,313 --> 00:08:54,534
- Uh, first of all--
female voice: Hull breach.
244
00:08:54,664 --> 00:08:56,448
- Oh, no.
- Oh, that's no good.
245
00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:58,059
- Talk about crazy, huh?
246
00:08:58,233 --> 00:08:59,277
[laser hissing]
247
00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:03,194
- Whoo! Now, that's what I calla nice gash.
248
00:09:03,238 --> 00:09:05,632
- [laughing, snarling]
249
00:09:05,675 --> 00:09:07,982
- No, we're not doingspace phrasing.
250
00:09:08,025 --> 00:09:10,550
- [snarls]
- Uh, because it's derivative.
251
00:09:10,724 --> 00:09:13,727
- And also because I said so.
female voice: Hull breach.
252
00:09:13,770 --> 00:09:14,989
- I'm the only chanceyou've got.
253
00:09:15,119 --> 00:09:16,425
Malory: He's right,
you know.
254
00:09:16,468 --> 00:09:17,905
- Yeah, you gotta let him go.
255
00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:19,776
- That, or let us
in that damn pod!
256
00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:21,517
- I vote pod.
- Cyril!
257
00:09:21,691 --> 00:09:23,693
And, I'm sorry,
have we all forgotten
258
00:09:23,737 --> 00:09:25,477
he basically
sexually assaulted me
259
00:09:25,521 --> 00:09:27,349
with a rolled-up magazine?
260
00:09:27,523 --> 00:09:28,350
- No.
- That's evidence.
261
00:09:28,524 --> 00:09:29,481
- You're evidence!
262
00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:31,309
- And there was nothingsexual about it.
263
00:09:31,483 --> 00:09:35,487
- I don't know.
I thought it was pretty sexy.
264
00:09:35,531 --> 00:09:36,750
[alarm blaring]
265
00:09:36,924 --> 00:09:39,317
On opposite day!
Gross, you guys!
266
00:09:39,361 --> 00:09:40,536
- Goddamn.
267
00:09:40,710 --> 00:09:42,756
- Lana, I'm sorryI attacked you.
268
00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:44,627
I honestly don't know
what got into me.
269
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:47,282
And when this is over,
you can punish me
270
00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:48,544
however you see fit.
271
00:09:48,718 --> 00:09:50,633
- It's howmever.
- Shut up!
272
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:53,244
But this calls for someserious swashbuckling,
273
00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:56,813
and no one else canbuckle swashes like me, so--
274
00:09:56,987 --> 00:09:58,510
female voice:
Xenomorphs detected.
275
00:09:58,685 --> 00:10:00,556
- Oh, no!
- Your call.
276
00:10:00,730 --> 00:10:01,905
female voice:
Xenomorphs detected.
277
00:10:01,949 --> 00:10:04,168
- [groans]
278
00:10:04,342 --> 00:10:06,475
[laser hissing]
279
00:10:06,518 --> 00:10:07,519
- [laughs]
280
00:10:07,694 --> 00:10:10,174
[all shouting]
281
00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:11,828
[laughs]
282
00:10:12,002 --> 00:10:13,525
female voice:
Xenomorphs detected.
283
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,179
- You're damn right,
they are.
284
00:10:15,353 --> 00:10:17,268
Get some!
Yeah.
285
00:10:17,399 --> 00:10:20,358
Be a hitter, big un.
And have fun out there.
286
00:10:20,402 --> 00:10:22,752
Oh, hey, and, uh,
if anyone finds Archer,
287
00:10:22,796 --> 00:10:25,886
remember,
he's all mine.
288
00:10:26,060 --> 00:10:27,757
- Okay, so Mother--
here you go--
289
00:10:27,931 --> 00:10:29,629
is gonna lure them
into the holodeck.
290
00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:30,760
- Why?
291
00:10:30,934 --> 00:10:32,153
- Well, for one thing,
because shut up.
292
00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:34,285
But remember--
here you go--
293
00:10:34,329 --> 00:10:35,635
if we have to fall back--
294
00:10:35,809 --> 00:10:37,811
and we can probably
go ahead and make that
295
00:10:37,985 --> 00:10:40,509
"when we fall back"--
here, take some of these--
296
00:10:40,552 --> 00:10:42,163
fall back to the escape pod.
297
00:10:42,337 --> 00:10:44,165
The pod is the Alamo.
298
00:10:44,339 --> 00:10:45,775
- If we're just gonnago back there,
299
00:10:45,819 --> 00:10:47,298
why'd we leavein the first place?
300
00:10:47,429 --> 00:10:49,649
- Because the goalisn't to run away so fast,
301
00:10:49,823 --> 00:10:50,911
it makes your vagina flap.
302
00:10:51,085 --> 00:10:52,564
- Plus, all the guns
are in here.
303
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:53,783
Krieger: Not all of them.
304
00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:55,393
- You got
the sentry guns online?
305
00:10:55,567 --> 00:10:57,395
- Yep, yep, yep.
- Okay.
306
00:10:57,569 --> 00:10:58,658
Here we go!
307
00:10:58,832 --> 00:11:00,224
[computer beeping]
308
00:11:00,355 --> 00:11:01,182
[gunfire]
309
00:11:01,225 --> 00:11:02,662
[beeping]
310
00:11:02,792 --> 00:11:04,794
- A and B guns firing.
311
00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:06,187
- Wait, wait, wait.At what?
312
00:11:06,230 --> 00:11:08,145
- What?
313
00:11:08,319 --> 00:11:09,190
[gunfire]
314
00:11:09,407 --> 00:11:12,193
- 80, 60--
- What the shit, Krieger?
315
00:11:12,367 --> 00:11:14,630
Krieger: 40.
[beeping]
316
00:11:15,196 --> 00:11:17,154
That's it.
317
00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:19,113
- Then what was the point?
318
00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:20,984
- Mm-mm-mm.
Director's cut?
319
00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:21,985
- Ugh.
- Right?
320
00:11:22,159 --> 00:11:23,204
Barry-6: Wait, what?
321
00:11:23,247 --> 00:11:26,033
Uh, did they even hit anybody?
322
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:27,208
- [grunts]
- [laughs]
323
00:11:27,251 --> 00:11:29,776
So then just totally pointless.
324
00:11:29,819 --> 00:11:32,430
- [snarling]
- [laughs]
325
00:11:32,474 --> 00:11:35,433
Unless you lean on them,you big dummy.
326
00:11:35,477 --> 00:11:37,435
- Okay, Mother--
Barry-6: Archer!
327
00:11:37,479 --> 00:11:39,916
- That's your cue.
- And just how exactly
328
00:11:40,047 --> 00:11:41,744
am I supposed
to lure those creeps
329
00:11:41,918 --> 00:11:46,053
to the holodeck without
getting myself killed?
330
00:11:46,227 --> 00:11:49,186
[gasps] Oh, right, right,
right, right, right.
331
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:50,753
[shimmering tone]
Duh.
332
00:11:50,927 --> 00:11:52,146
♪ Toodles ♪
333
00:11:52,189 --> 00:11:53,669
- The rest of you,
follow me.
334
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:56,150
Move, Cyril.
I want to hear it flap.
335
00:11:56,193 --> 00:11:57,368
- [sighs]
336
00:11:57,412 --> 00:11:59,675
- Come on, Archer.
You can run, but--
337
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,417
Well, I guess you can hide,
obviously.
338
00:12:02,460 --> 00:12:04,375
But stop doing it
is what I'm saying.
339
00:12:04,419 --> 00:12:06,421
Malory: ♪ Yoo-hoo
- Huh?
340
00:12:06,464 --> 00:12:08,162
Malory: Who's up for some
bopping and booping?
341
00:12:08,205 --> 00:12:10,207
- I'll bop your boop,
you little--
342
00:12:10,381 --> 00:12:13,297
- [snarls]
- Why would it be a ruse?
343
00:12:13,471 --> 00:12:14,777
Come on, you mother humpers.
344
00:12:14,951 --> 00:12:17,171
[all growling]
345
00:12:17,214 --> 00:12:20,217
Cyril: Jeezy Petes,
you really arecrazy!
346
00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:22,393
- We're sitting ducks.
There's no cover.
347
00:12:22,437 --> 00:12:24,874
- Jesus Christ, do you nerds
really never come down here?
348
00:12:25,005 --> 00:12:26,180
[whirring]
349
00:12:26,223 --> 00:12:27,877
- Oh!
- This is incredible!
350
00:12:28,051 --> 00:12:29,400
- I know, right?
351
00:12:29,444 --> 00:12:30,445
Plus, upstairs,
there's a bunch
352
00:12:30,619 --> 00:12:32,099
of hologram whores
giving out
353
00:12:32,273 --> 00:12:34,623
old-timey
50-cent blow jobs.
354
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,017
- Wait, what makes them
old-timey?
355
00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:38,409
- Uh, they're 50 cents?
356
00:12:38,540 --> 00:12:41,021
[ragtime piano music playing]
357
00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:43,110
Hoooo, Mikey Mike!
358
00:12:43,284 --> 00:12:45,199
♪ ♪
359
00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:50,900
[western music]
360
00:12:51,074 --> 00:12:53,947
Malory: Whoa!
361
00:12:54,121 --> 00:12:55,992
♪ ♪
362
00:12:56,166 --> 00:12:57,341
[shimmering tone]
363
00:12:57,472 --> 00:13:00,257
- Is now the best timefor that?
364
00:13:00,431 --> 00:13:02,259
- A lot better
than it's about to be.
365
00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:04,131
- How many are there?
- [drinks shot]
366
00:13:04,305 --> 00:13:05,219
Scores.
367
00:13:05,349 --> 00:13:07,134
- Like, literally scores or--
368
00:13:07,264 --> 00:13:08,222
[Cyril whimpering]
369
00:13:08,265 --> 00:13:09,745
- Cyril, get your shittogether.
370
00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:11,747
Now, listen, you gotta let 'emcome into our killing zone.
371
00:13:11,921 --> 00:13:14,054
Don't just start blasting awaythe second you--
372
00:13:14,228 --> 00:13:15,316
[door squeaks]
[all gasp]
373
00:13:15,490 --> 00:13:21,888
- Suppressing fire!
[gunfire]
374
00:13:22,018 --> 00:13:26,240
[shouting and laughing]
375
00:13:26,370 --> 00:13:28,677
Whoo!
[laughing]
376
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:30,897
[shouts]
377
00:13:31,071 --> 00:13:34,291
[all groaning in agony]
378
00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:37,251
- Goddamn, dude.
Lana: Seriously.
379
00:13:37,381 --> 00:13:39,253
- You shot all my guys.
[Cyril giggles nervously]
380
00:13:39,383 --> 00:13:41,124
- Oh, for--way to go, Cyril.
381
00:13:41,298 --> 00:13:42,082
- What?
- "What?"
382
00:13:42,256 --> 00:13:43,735
I'm supposed to be the hero.
383
00:13:43,779 --> 00:13:45,041
- Doing what?
- Seriously, Archer?
384
00:13:45,172 --> 00:13:46,173
- Wow.
- Well?
385
00:13:46,303 --> 00:13:47,522
[static crackling]
- [laughs]
386
00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:49,263
That is pathetic.
387
00:13:49,393 --> 00:13:51,395
- So are sweater vests.
[static crackling]
388
00:13:51,526 --> 00:13:52,832
- Huh?
- What's a sweater vest?
389
00:13:52,962 --> 00:13:54,094
Barry-6: Hey, asshole,
390
00:13:54,268 --> 00:13:55,965
you really wanna be the hero?
391
00:13:56,009 --> 00:13:56,923
- [chuckling] I mean...
392
00:13:56,966 --> 00:13:59,099
- Then let's just
you and me play.
393
00:13:59,142 --> 00:14:00,100
female voice: Danger.
394
00:14:00,143 --> 00:14:01,841
The self-destruct system
395
00:14:01,971 --> 00:14:03,146
is now activated.
396
00:14:03,190 --> 00:14:05,192
[all gasp]
- Why do we even have that?
397
00:14:05,366 --> 00:14:06,149
- What?
How?
398
00:14:06,193 --> 00:14:07,934
- Becausethe password was...
399
00:14:08,108 --> 00:14:09,500
"guest."
- Told you.
400
00:14:09,631 --> 00:14:11,981
female voice:
Detonation in two minutes.
401
00:14:12,155 --> 00:14:13,113
[all speaking at once]
402
00:14:13,287 --> 00:14:14,157
- What?
- Two? No.
403
00:14:14,201 --> 00:14:15,419
I thought I set it for 20.
404
00:14:15,593 --> 00:14:17,421
- Krieger, can you override it?
- Um...
405
00:14:17,595 --> 00:14:19,206
female voice:
Krieger cannot override it.
406
00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:21,730
- No.
- What do we do? What do we do?
407
00:14:21,773 --> 00:14:23,775
- Well, if you hustle,
I bet you can just make it
408
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:27,083
to the...
- [screaming]
409
00:14:27,214 --> 00:14:29,956
[doors squeaking]
- Escape pod.
410
00:14:29,999 --> 00:14:32,175
- Come on, everybody. Move it!
- Let's go!
411
00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:33,742
- All except you, Archer.
412
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,613
[static crackling]
They go.
413
00:14:35,787 --> 00:14:37,311
You stay.
414
00:14:37,354 --> 00:14:38,355
- What? No.
415
00:14:38,529 --> 00:14:39,661
Sterling, no!
416
00:14:39,835 --> 00:14:41,184
- Mother, it's okay.
You go.
417
00:14:41,358 --> 00:14:43,970
I need to stay here
for a while.
418
00:14:44,100 --> 00:14:44,884
- Archer--
419
00:14:45,014 --> 00:14:45,885
female voice: Detonation in
420
00:14:46,015 --> 00:14:47,321
90 seconds.
421
00:14:47,364 --> 00:14:49,018
- Go!
- [sighs]
422
00:14:49,192 --> 00:14:50,106
Son of a--
[static crackling]
423
00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:51,934
Come on.
424
00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:54,981
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
Sterling!
425
00:14:55,111 --> 00:14:56,330
[alarm blaring]
426
00:14:56,373 --> 00:14:58,332
- [laughs]Moms, huh?
427
00:14:58,375 --> 00:15:01,596
- So you're willing to die
just to make sure I do?
428
00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:03,119
- Yep.
- Why?
429
00:15:03,163 --> 00:15:05,339
- Because, Archer,
a long time ago
430
00:15:05,382 --> 00:15:08,995
in a galaxy far, far away,
you put your nasty dick
431
00:15:09,169 --> 00:15:11,432
in my fiancée's butthole.
432
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:14,130
- Wait, wait, wait, that--
that's what this is about?
433
00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:16,872
- Oh, yes.
- Uh, what was her name?
434
00:15:17,046 --> 00:15:18,395
Simone?
- Framboise!
435
00:15:18,569 --> 00:15:21,094
female voice:
Detonation in 60 seconds.
436
00:15:21,137 --> 00:15:22,878
- [laughs]
Jesus Christ.
437
00:15:23,052 --> 00:15:25,011
Well, if it's any consolation,
Barry,
438
00:15:25,185 --> 00:15:27,100
I can't even remember
what she looks li--
439
00:15:27,143 --> 00:15:29,015
- [shouts]
- [grunts]
440
00:15:29,145 --> 00:15:31,060
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- But wait!
441
00:15:31,191 --> 00:15:33,236
Couldn't we--
- Malory, we need to move.
442
00:15:33,410 --> 00:15:35,195
We've only got--
female voice: Detonation in
443
00:15:35,369 --> 00:15:36,674
30 seconds.
444
00:15:36,848 --> 00:15:39,286
- That.
- No, no, no, wait!
445
00:15:40,417 --> 00:15:42,071
- Wait.
Just wait a second.
446
00:15:42,202 --> 00:15:43,420
Wait.
- What?
447
00:15:43,594 --> 00:15:44,639
[glass shatters]
[groans]
448
00:15:44,813 --> 00:15:46,858
- [laughs]
Chicken butt.
449
00:15:47,859 --> 00:15:49,252
Chicken butt, Barry!
450
00:15:49,426 --> 00:15:52,690
female voice:
Detonation in 15 seconds.
451
00:15:52,864 --> 00:15:54,866
Escape pod launched.
452
00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:56,085
- [laughs] Yes!
453
00:15:56,259 --> 00:15:57,913
They're safe, Barry.[laughs]
454
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,175
female voice:
Detonation in ten...
455
00:15:59,219 --> 00:16:00,960
- Are they?
female voice: Nine...
456
00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:02,700
- What?
female voice: Eight...
457
00:16:02,874 --> 00:16:04,441
- Are they safe?
female voice: Seven...
458
00:16:04,615 --> 00:16:05,921
- Yes.
female voice: Six...
459
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,096
- So you're the big man, huh?
460
00:16:07,227 --> 00:16:08,968
female voice: Five...
- Yes, Barry, I am.
461
00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:10,970
female voice: Four...
- I'm huge.
462
00:16:11,144 --> 00:16:12,536
female voice: Three...
- Not what Framboise said.
463
00:16:12,710 --> 00:16:13,885
female voice: Two...
- Oh, really?
464
00:16:14,060 --> 00:16:14,974
Because--
female voice: One.
465
00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:16,976
- Shit, I had something for--
466
00:16:17,150 --> 00:16:20,196
female voice: Ignition.
[explosion booming]
467
00:16:25,549 --> 00:16:29,075
- [heavy breathing]
468
00:16:29,249 --> 00:16:30,902
[Queen Sarah Saturday's
"Robert De Niro"]
469
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:34,341
Rampaaaaaaaage!
470
00:16:34,515 --> 00:16:35,646
- Ugh.
471
00:16:35,777 --> 00:16:39,128
- Sterling Malory Archer.
472
00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:40,869
man: Code name Duchess.
473
00:16:40,912 --> 00:16:42,218
- So here's the thing.
474
00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:44,351
I need to access
my operations account,
475
00:16:44,525 --> 00:16:45,569
and you're preventing that.
476
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:47,093
Now, we can do this easy,
477
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:48,703
or we can do it hard.
478
00:16:48,877 --> 00:16:52,185
- The thought of me deadgives you an erection?
479
00:16:52,228 --> 00:16:53,142
- Jesus Christ!
480
00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:55,797
- Your call.
481
00:16:55,971 --> 00:16:57,364
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
482
00:16:57,494 --> 00:16:59,322
all: Drink, drink,
drink, drink!
483
00:16:59,366 --> 00:17:01,150
- [grunting]
Ow! Ow!
484
00:17:01,281 --> 00:17:02,108
Bawk! Bawk!
485
00:17:02,151 --> 00:17:03,457
- Archer!
486
00:17:03,587 --> 00:17:04,893
- I'm coming!
487
00:17:04,936 --> 00:17:05,720
Phrasing, boom!
488
00:17:05,894 --> 00:17:07,113
[explosions booming]
489
00:17:07,156 --> 00:17:08,810
[screaming]
490
00:17:08,984 --> 00:17:10,942
[crash]
[swords clashing]
491
00:17:11,117 --> 00:17:12,335
Okay, let's try that a--
Oh, shit!
492
00:17:12,379 --> 00:17:14,120
[train horn blares]
493
00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:15,904
Survey says--
- [screams]
494
00:17:15,947 --> 00:17:17,123
- Don't try to doanything stupid.
495
00:17:17,297 --> 00:17:19,908
- I don't have to try.
496
00:17:20,865 --> 00:17:23,303
[blows landing]
[both shouting]
497
00:17:23,346 --> 00:17:25,609
- [grunting]
- I'll show you who's boss.
498
00:17:25,783 --> 00:17:28,221
- [grunts]
- How do you like that?
499
00:17:28,395 --> 00:17:29,961
[shoes squeak]
[tires screech]
500
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:32,094
- [grunts]
Hey, asshole!
501
00:17:32,268 --> 00:17:33,095
- Lana.
502
00:17:33,269 --> 00:17:35,228
♪ ♪
503
00:17:35,402 --> 00:17:36,316
Lana.
- [gasps]
504
00:17:36,359 --> 00:17:37,056
- [grunts]
- [groans]
505
00:17:37,186 --> 00:17:38,144
[glass shatters]
- Lana!
506
00:17:38,318 --> 00:17:39,710
[gunfire]
- [clears throat]
507
00:17:39,841 --> 00:17:41,060
[grunts]
- [groans]
508
00:17:41,190 --> 00:17:41,843
Lanaaaaaaaa!
509
00:17:42,017 --> 00:17:43,105
- What?
- [laughs]
510
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:44,324
♪ Danger zone
511
00:17:44,367 --> 00:17:45,977
- Sterling Archer,
512
00:17:46,152 --> 00:17:48,850
I'd like you to meetyour daughter,
513
00:17:49,024 --> 00:17:49,851
Abbiejean.
514
00:17:49,981 --> 00:17:52,201
- Why is that whonamed like me?
515
00:17:52,375 --> 00:17:53,376
- Because he's your son,
516
00:17:53,550 --> 00:17:55,639
you colossal idiot.
517
00:17:55,813 --> 00:17:57,119
- Until you can look
at your mother
518
00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:59,861
and see her
not just as your mother
519
00:17:59,991 --> 00:18:01,123
but as a person...
- [belches]
520
00:18:01,297 --> 00:18:03,430
When have I everbeen honest with Sterling?
521
00:18:03,604 --> 00:18:04,344
Burt: You can't grow up.
522
00:18:04,518 --> 00:18:05,214
- [crying]
523
00:18:05,388 --> 00:18:07,521
- Honey, you still got it.
524
00:18:07,651 --> 00:18:10,393
♪ Bow-chicka-bow-bow,
a-huh-huh ♪
525
00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:12,178
Archer: Pretty much
my whole life,
526
00:18:12,308 --> 00:18:14,223
my default setting
has been half-ass.
527
00:18:14,397 --> 00:18:16,095
Whoo-who cares?
528
00:18:16,269 --> 00:18:18,401
Imagine as I literally
beat you to death
529
00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:20,969
that a giant hand
has turned my dial
530
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:24,320
from half-ass
to quadruple-ass.
531
00:18:24,494 --> 00:18:26,235
[gunfire]
- [shouting]
532
00:18:26,366 --> 00:18:27,236
[gunfire]
533
00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:29,325
[crashing]
534
00:18:30,196 --> 00:18:32,241
[gunshot]
- Oh, booyakasha!
535
00:18:32,415 --> 00:18:35,636
I've been shot, stabbed,
set on fire, poisoned, shot,
536
00:18:35,810 --> 00:18:37,812
sexually assaulted,
partially chewed,
537
00:18:37,855 --> 00:18:40,336
shot,
and declared legally dead
538
00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:41,163
twice on the same day.
539
00:18:41,337 --> 00:18:42,686
- Think you might havea problem.
540
00:18:42,860 --> 00:18:44,427
- Yeah, Lana,
it's called cancer.
541
00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:46,255
♪ ♪
542
00:18:46,386 --> 00:18:47,561
[gurgling]
Lana: Archer?
543
00:18:47,691 --> 00:18:50,085
- Are you--
- The man who cheated death?
544
00:18:50,259 --> 00:18:52,218
[all gasp]
545
00:18:53,349 --> 00:18:54,220
I might be immortal.
546
00:18:54,394 --> 00:18:57,048
all: Archer!
547
00:18:57,223 --> 00:18:58,659
- [laughs]
548
00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:00,313
This close.
549
00:19:00,487 --> 00:19:02,358
- ♪ Rebound ♪
550
00:19:02,489 --> 00:19:08,059
♪ Rebound
551
00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:12,107
[gasps]
Goddamn Barry.
552
00:19:12,281 --> 00:19:13,195
[glass shatters]
[yells]
553
00:19:13,369 --> 00:19:14,849
Mother?
- [gasps] Sterling?
554
00:19:15,023 --> 00:19:16,155
- W-w-wait, what are you--
what are you--
555
00:19:16,285 --> 00:19:17,286
- I--I...
556
00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:19,201
Gladys: I know you didn't
just break
557
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:20,507
another glass in here,
558
00:19:20,681 --> 00:19:22,509
because if I told you once,
I told you--
559
00:19:22,683 --> 00:19:25,251
[gasps] My Lord Jesus!
God!
560
00:19:25,425 --> 00:19:27,253
- Gladys!
He's awake!
561
00:19:27,296 --> 00:19:30,299
- He's awake!
- Yeah, um, duh.
562
00:19:30,430 --> 00:19:32,301
Wh-why am I in a hospital?
563
00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:34,608
- You were shot
by a crazy woman.
564
00:19:34,738 --> 00:19:36,523
- [gasps]
Just like Eddie Waitkus!
565
00:19:36,653 --> 00:19:38,264
- Who?
- Don't get him started.
566
00:19:38,394 --> 00:19:39,613
- [laughs] Oh, man.
567
00:19:39,743 --> 00:19:41,354
For a second there,
I thought maybe the booze
568
00:19:41,397 --> 00:19:42,181
had caught up with me.
569
00:19:42,311 --> 00:19:44,095
Ooh, speaking of...
570
00:19:45,488 --> 00:19:47,403
- With me standing right here?
- He's gonna need it.
571
00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:50,406
- Wait, why?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
572
00:19:50,537 --> 00:19:53,279
H-how long have I been here?
573
00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:55,324
Mother?
- Sterling--
574
00:19:55,498 --> 00:19:56,630
- Mother, how long
have I been here?
575
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,109
- [sighs]
576
00:19:58,153 --> 00:20:00,068
Three years.
- What?
577
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,157
No.
Three--
578
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,159
Wait, not--no.
No, no, no.
579
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,508
- Y-you want me to call
Dr. Gorenstein?
580
00:20:05,682 --> 00:20:08,119
- Oh, please.You think he could be bothered?
581
00:20:08,163 --> 00:20:10,426
At midnight on a Sunday?
582
00:20:11,384 --> 00:20:13,081
Plus, what wouldhis mistress say?
583
00:20:13,124 --> 00:20:16,258
- [laughs]
So bad.
584
00:20:16,302 --> 00:20:19,305
- Wait, why are you here
at midnight on a Sunday?
585
00:20:19,348 --> 00:20:21,742
- Well, I, um--
586
00:20:21,785 --> 00:20:23,004
- She's always here.
587
00:20:23,134 --> 00:20:26,399
- Oh, now,not always.
588
00:20:26,573 --> 00:20:29,271
[monitor beeping steadily]
589
00:20:36,583 --> 00:20:38,802
- Let me get you
some ice chips.
590
00:20:40,587 --> 00:20:41,327
- For three years?
591
00:20:41,501 --> 00:20:44,330
- I wanted to be herewhen you woke up.
592
00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:45,809
- [sips drink, swallows]
593
00:20:45,940 --> 00:20:49,117
[exhales sharply]
Okay, so, like,
594
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,292
wh-wh-what about Lana?
595
00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:52,729
- Lana?
- Hey, wait, do I have a kid?
596
00:20:52,773 --> 00:20:56,733
- There's plenty of timeto talk about all of that.
597
00:20:56,777 --> 00:21:00,259
The important thingis that you're back
598
00:21:00,433 --> 00:21:01,260
and we're together.
599
00:21:01,434 --> 00:21:03,566
- Um, uh, okay.
600
00:21:03,610 --> 00:21:05,264
- After all,the real story's
601
00:21:05,394 --> 00:21:08,049
always beenabout you and me.
602
00:21:08,223 --> 00:21:09,355
- What are you--
603
00:21:09,485 --> 00:21:11,531
- Which,when you think about it,
604
00:21:11,705 --> 00:21:13,794
at its heart,
605
00:21:13,968 --> 00:21:15,535
it's really a love story.
606
00:21:15,709 --> 00:21:18,755
- Please, Mother,
don't say that.
607
00:21:18,799 --> 00:21:20,279
- It's true.
608
00:21:22,368 --> 00:21:24,370
- Ugh!
609
00:21:24,544 --> 00:21:25,588
[sips drink]
610
00:21:54,530 --> 00:21:58,229
- Made in Georgia.
41945
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