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00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,306
[screaming]
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00:00:02,350 --> 00:00:04,961
ANNOUNCER: FXX presents
Archer 1999.
3
00:00:07,790 --> 00:00:10,314
[ominous music]
4
00:00:10,358 --> 00:00:12,969
Lana: Ugh, I'm tired
of being out here.
5
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,840
I wanna go home.
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00:00:14,884 --> 00:00:17,408
- Eww, Earth?
In space we can do whatever
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00:00:17,452 --> 00:00:20,063
the hell we want with basicallyno responsibilities.
8
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- Kind of my point.
Maybe I'm ready to start
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00:00:22,152 --> 00:00:24,981
having a real life instead ofbeing stuck here with your ass.
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00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:28,115
- Shh, my ass might hear you,
and it's very sensitive.
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00:00:28,158 --> 00:00:30,900
Of course, you know that.
- Not engaging.
12
00:00:30,943 --> 00:00:33,337
I'm just saying, maybe it's
time to hang this all up and--
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- Ugh, is this about
your aching uterus again?
14
00:00:36,253 --> 00:00:38,125
- Okay, who said anything
about--
15
00:00:38,168 --> 00:00:40,214
- Well, we haven't talked aboutsettling down but--
16
00:00:40,257 --> 00:00:42,172
- Nope.
- Key word "settling."
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00:00:42,216 --> 00:00:43,260
- I'm down with going to Earth.
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00:00:43,304 --> 00:00:45,349
I could use some fresh faces
to bang.
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00:00:45,393 --> 00:00:50,093
- And our bar stock is so low,
I may have to resort to beer.
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- Has everyone gone crazy?
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We're on the final frontier
and you want to go back
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00:00:54,402 --> 00:00:57,100
to doing day jobs
and gravity-laden sex?
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00:00:57,144 --> 00:00:59,320
- Not my first preference.
- I vote with Archer.
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00:00:59,363 --> 00:01:02,149
- Robots don't get a vote.
- I prefer "synthetic human."
25
00:01:02,192 --> 00:01:03,280
[overlapping chatter]
26
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- No one gets to vote.
I'm the captain.
27
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- Co-captain.
And as the other co-captain,
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I am setting a course
for Earth.
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- No, Lana, I will not let you
hyperspace us to Boring-town.
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[grunting]
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Lana: [grunts]
Archer: What the--ow!
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Pam: Holy spacesnacks!
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00:01:22,299 --> 00:01:25,563
Lana: It's a Dri'n
battle cruiser.
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00:01:25,607 --> 00:01:27,783
And somehow
it hasn't noticed us.
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- No, we're too close
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for its long-range scanners
to pick us up.
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- Great, let's just loop aroundthis bad boy
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and hyperspace somewhere
that is not Earth.
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00:01:35,182 --> 00:01:36,705
- If we can destroy it,
we will
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cripple pirate activity
in this sector.
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00:01:39,011 --> 00:01:40,143
- Who cares?
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- And collecta 30 million credit bounty
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for taking it out.
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- As I was saying,
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who cares about combatting
space piracy more than me?
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- Exactly.
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The very reasonable reward
is just icing on the cake.
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00:01:54,462 --> 00:01:56,203
- Guys, as captain
of this ship...
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00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:57,378
- Co-captain.
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00:01:57,421 --> 00:01:59,206
- I am making
an executive decision.
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We're taking out
that Dri'n bastard.
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- Like I already
executively decided.
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- Hands in.
"Space cowboys" on three.
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One, two...
55
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- What the hell are you doing?
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00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:16,962
[main title theme]
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♪
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Archer:
Okay, here's the plan:
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after we board the ship,
knock out a couple
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00:02:56,393 --> 00:02:59,004
of Dri'n guards, and then--
you'll love this--
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00:02:59,048 --> 00:03:01,355
put on their clothes--
- Not to be a buzzkill,
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but you think there'll reallybe a plus-sized pirate onboard?
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00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:07,448
- Ugh, this is a horrible plan.- I'm not finished.
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Pam, you'll be our "prisoner."
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- Sweet!
- Lucky.
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00:03:11,278 --> 00:03:13,454
- Still a horrible plan.
- Let me finish!
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00:03:13,497 --> 00:03:17,371
We'll infiltrate the ship
disguised as Dri'n guards.
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00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:20,287
That's it.
That's the whole plan.
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00:03:20,330 --> 00:03:21,723
- This is not a plan.
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This is the plot
of several famous films.
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00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:25,683
- Well, why do you think
they're famous, Lana?
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00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:27,685
We'll need Ray
to get us some explosives.
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00:03:27,729 --> 00:03:29,644
- He's taking a sick day.
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00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:31,254
- Of course he is.
- We get those?
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- It's a miracle we don't
crash into the sun
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00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:37,391
with all you Sick Day Cyrils
and Personal Day Pams.
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00:03:37,434 --> 00:03:39,871
- It is a pretty generous
package if you use it right.
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00:03:39,915 --> 00:03:41,525
- Space phrasing.
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00:03:41,569 --> 00:03:43,048
- Well, where am I supposed
to get explosives?
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00:03:43,092 --> 00:03:46,313
- "Thermite" be something
I can do to help.
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00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:48,532
Referencing
thermite explosives.
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00:03:48,576 --> 00:03:50,665
[all groan]
- I did not enjoy that.
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00:03:50,708 --> 00:03:52,101
Does this thing havean off switch?
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00:03:52,144 --> 00:03:53,929
- Aww, I have feelings.
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- Volume control?
Anything?
86
00:03:55,931 --> 00:03:57,933
Then we'll plant the thermite
all over the ship
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00:03:57,976 --> 00:04:00,414
and hola explosivo.
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00:04:00,457 --> 00:04:02,764
- I'm confused.
- It's Spanish, Pam.
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00:04:02,807 --> 00:04:04,940
- No, how will we getthe "Seamus" out of here
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00:04:04,983 --> 00:04:06,376
without us pingingtheir scanners?
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00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:07,943
- That's where Cyril
and Carol come in.
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00:04:07,986 --> 00:04:10,554
You two will disable
the radar system on board.
93
00:04:10,598 --> 00:04:12,730
- Whoo-hoo!
- Please don't.
94
00:04:12,774 --> 00:04:14,689
- I can disable
the radar system!
95
00:04:14,732 --> 00:04:16,995
- Can you disable yourself?
96
00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:18,432
- Beep, bop, boop.
Ya burnt.
97
00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:20,129
- Why not Krieger?
98
00:04:20,172 --> 00:04:21,957
I mean, he's qualified
even if he is a replicant.
99
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,654
- Thank you, Lana,
but I like to think
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I'm more of a Repli-can.
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00:04:25,613 --> 00:04:27,354
[all groan]
- No bots.
102
00:04:27,397 --> 00:04:30,226
Mother, you stay and run comms.- Stay here?
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00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:33,316
With the liquor?
Well, if you insist.
104
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:36,363
- Space cowboys, let's ride!
[triumphant music]
105
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:39,453
Lana: Would you stop trying
to make "space cowboys" stick?
106
00:04:39,496 --> 00:04:40,802
It isn't.
- Fine, Lana.
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You stay here and be
the world-weary
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space saloon/brothel madam.
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00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:47,591
- I wanna be a brothel madam!- Ooh, I--I could be the banker
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and wear one of those
green visors.
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00:04:49,071 --> 00:04:51,552
- Everybody stop
making this stick!
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And if anything,
I would be co-sheriff.
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- That's not a thing.
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00:04:55,207 --> 00:04:56,557
- The whole thing's
not a thing!
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00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,036
- Whoa, space cowboys.
116
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,474
- What is it now, Krieger?
- I've got helpful gadgets!
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Like these voice changers!
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00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,042
The Dri'n tongue is a beast,
you know.
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00:05:04,086 --> 00:05:07,045
- Fine, but honestly, Krieger,
this is all a little thirsty.
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00:05:07,089 --> 00:05:09,613
- Like Lana's ovaries.
- Not engaging.
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00:05:09,657 --> 00:05:12,442
- Doesn't someone need
to be proposing
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00:05:12,486 --> 00:05:14,444
before you're engaging?
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00:05:14,488 --> 00:05:15,706
- Not en--
- [laughs]
124
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She totally disarmedyour phrase.
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00:05:18,187 --> 00:05:19,623
So what's our plan when
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00:05:19,667 --> 00:05:20,842
these shitty voicechangers don't work?
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00:05:20,885 --> 00:05:22,409
Krieger: I can hear you.
- Well, I picked up
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00:05:22,452 --> 00:05:24,062
some phrases
banging a pirate or two.
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00:05:24,106 --> 00:05:26,587
Here's how to say,
"Faster, harder."
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00:05:26,630 --> 00:05:27,631
- Because that'll come
in handy.
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00:05:27,675 --> 00:05:29,981
- [ugly guttural sounds]
132
00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:33,245
Now you try it.
[all grunting]
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00:05:33,289 --> 00:05:36,597
- No, it's more like--
you know the sound you make
134
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:39,295
after letting out a fartyou've been holding in all day?
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00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:40,949
- Oh, please.
You've never held in a fart
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00:05:40,992 --> 00:05:43,995
in your life.
- Tough but fair.
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00:05:44,866 --> 00:05:46,389
Lana: Like now, Pam.
Now would have been
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00:05:46,433 --> 00:05:47,521
a great time to hold it in.
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00:05:47,564 --> 00:05:51,220
Pam: [grunting in Dri'n]
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Archer: [laughs]
I have--I have no idea
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00:05:54,223 --> 00:05:56,225
what she said,
but it just sounds funny.
142
00:05:56,268 --> 00:05:57,531
[metal crashing]
143
00:05:57,574 --> 00:05:59,184
Lana: Jesus, Cyril,
watch the landing.
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00:05:59,228 --> 00:06:00,534
You gotta slide it
in there gently.
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00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:01,970
Pam: [grunting]
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00:06:02,013 --> 00:06:03,624
[muffled bang]
147
00:06:03,667 --> 00:06:05,408
- You are a terrible pilot.
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00:06:05,452 --> 00:06:07,584
- You put me on a job
that's not my specialty.
149
00:06:07,628 --> 00:06:10,108
That's bad captaining.
- Co-captaining.
150
00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:12,284
- Oh, now you share the credit?- Fine.
151
00:06:12,328 --> 00:06:15,418
I should have assigned Cyril
to his specialty of, uh--
152
00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:18,029
what is your specialty again?
Space accounting?
153
00:06:18,073 --> 00:06:19,596
- You're putting "space"
in front of it
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00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,076
to make it extra silly,
but it's actually
155
00:06:21,119 --> 00:06:23,557
really an important part
of running a ship.
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00:06:24,558 --> 00:06:27,648
[pirates grunting]
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00:06:27,691 --> 00:06:29,084
- That was quick.
158
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:38,049
- [speaking Dri'n]
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00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:41,488
- He's asking...
[gunfire]
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00:06:41,531 --> 00:06:43,446
[bodies thud]
161
00:06:44,752 --> 00:06:46,884
[sighs]
He was just asking
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00:06:46,928 --> 00:06:49,539
where we got these
human costumes, but...
163
00:06:49,583 --> 00:06:51,323
- Oh, thank Godyou're here, Cyril.
164
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:52,673
You're so quick on the draw.
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00:06:52,716 --> 00:06:54,675
- My blaster got stuck
in its holster.
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00:06:54,718 --> 00:06:56,372
- I can help with that.
- Stop it!
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00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,505
Unwanted advance
in the workplace.
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00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:01,333
- Take it up withthe Dri'n pirate HR.
169
00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:04,249
- Get those uniforms onand put in your voice changers.
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00:07:04,293 --> 00:07:05,555
More pirates will be coming.
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00:07:05,599 --> 00:07:07,122
- On my tits.
What?
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00:07:07,165 --> 00:07:08,602
- Do you even have tits?
173
00:07:08,645 --> 00:07:10,386
- They're retractable.
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00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:14,564
- [sighs]
Now, where is that mainframe?
175
00:07:14,608 --> 00:07:16,697
This ship has zero Feng Shui.
176
00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:17,698
[door hisses]
177
00:07:17,741 --> 00:07:19,743
Whoa.
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00:07:19,787 --> 00:07:21,615
There's gotta be a switch
to get a laser bridge
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00:07:21,658 --> 00:07:23,138
or something.
180
00:07:23,181 --> 00:07:25,488
Why people build
dangerous ravines
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00:07:25,532 --> 00:07:27,185
in spaceships is beyond me.
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00:07:27,229 --> 00:07:30,319
[hollering]
183
00:07:30,362 --> 00:07:33,322
[gasping]
You gotta warn me next time!
184
00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:35,846
We almost--and that hook
is not secure!
185
00:07:35,890 --> 00:07:38,196
How do you even know
the mainframe is on this side?
186
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:39,589
- Oh, I don't.
187
00:07:39,633 --> 00:07:41,417
I just find terrorkind of hot, you know?
188
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,723
- I do not know.
189
00:07:42,766 --> 00:07:44,507
Not to mention the woman
swinging the man across
190
00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:46,944
is totally...
[yelling] emasculating!
191
00:07:46,988 --> 00:07:48,468
Shit balls!
192
00:07:50,165 --> 00:07:51,993
- Guys, remember, place them
193
00:07:52,036 --> 00:07:54,648
on the structural beams
for maximum impact.
194
00:07:54,691 --> 00:07:57,651
- I need more.
I'm missing a testicle.
195
00:07:57,694 --> 00:07:59,609
- What the hell are you doing?
- What's the big deal?
196
00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:01,089
It's thermite;
throw it anywhere,
197
00:08:01,132 --> 00:08:02,394
it's gonna blow up the ship.
198
00:08:02,438 --> 00:08:04,092
- I'm not letting youwaste thermite.
199
00:08:04,135 --> 00:08:06,355
- Give me the thermite.
200
00:08:06,398 --> 00:08:08,662
- God damn it, Archer.
- [laughing] Uh-oh.
201
00:08:08,705 --> 00:08:11,708
It was an accident.
Yeah, it was flirty horseplay.
202
00:08:11,752 --> 00:08:14,319
- These aren't toys.
- Your boobs?
203
00:08:14,363 --> 00:08:16,757
- Because I beg to differ.
- It's stuck.
204
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:18,672
Krieger, how do you peel off
these thermite charges?
205
00:08:18,715 --> 00:08:20,717
Krieger: Oh, no worries there.- Oh, good.
206
00:08:20,761 --> 00:08:23,546
Krieger: It's a super polymer. Can't be removed or disarmed.
207
00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:26,767
- I thought they would peel offlike air fresheners.
208
00:08:26,810 --> 00:08:29,639
They look like air fresheners.Just take your shirt off, then.
209
00:08:29,683 --> 00:08:32,207
- I'm not wearing a shirt
or bra under this.
210
00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:34,339
- Oh, I noticed.
- We all noticed.
211
00:08:34,383 --> 00:08:35,819
Is it for the pirates?
212
00:08:35,863 --> 00:08:38,387
Because they do not make
good husbands, Lana.
213
00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:40,824
- I am not trying
to get a pirate husband.
214
00:08:40,868 --> 00:08:43,697
This ship has no ACand pirate garb isn't exactly--
215
00:08:43,740 --> 00:08:44,915
oh, shit.
216
00:08:44,959 --> 00:08:48,223
[all speaking Dri'n]
217
00:08:51,966 --> 00:08:55,273
- Hey!
[both laughing]
218
00:08:57,406 --> 00:08:59,582
- Huh, it actually worked.
219
00:08:59,626 --> 00:09:01,715
- Almost like Krieger knows
what he was doing.
220
00:09:01,758 --> 00:09:04,718
- I'm sorry, Lana.
He'll never be a space cowboy.
221
00:09:04,761 --> 00:09:07,634
Now, let's blow up this ship--
- Without blowing my tits off.
222
00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:09,636
- Give me one more.
I need to finish my testicle.
223
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:12,203
- Here.
- Seriously?
224
00:09:12,247 --> 00:09:14,162
- Guys, even for methis is getting childish.
225
00:09:14,205 --> 00:09:15,467
Malory:
Don't mention children.
226
00:09:15,511 --> 00:09:17,513
Lana will smear her mascara.
227
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:20,864
- Eavesdropping and lobbing
insults is not running comms.
228
00:09:20,908 --> 00:09:22,474
I knew I should have
done the assigning,
229
00:09:22,518 --> 00:09:24,738
because everyone you picked
is spectacularly wrong
230
00:09:24,781 --> 00:09:26,217
for the job.
231
00:09:26,261 --> 00:09:27,697
Cyril: See, this is what
I'm talking about.
232
00:09:27,741 --> 00:09:29,046
Why would they put
the mainframe
233
00:09:29,090 --> 00:09:30,482
right next door to the mess?
234
00:09:30,526 --> 00:09:32,528
The heat would be hellon the data core.
235
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,834
- What, did you read that
in your
236
00:09:33,877 --> 00:09:35,487
spaceship architecture
magazine?
237
00:09:35,531 --> 00:09:37,185
- You mean"Starchitectural Digest"?
238
00:09:37,228 --> 00:09:39,709
Yes.Shall we get to work?
239
00:09:39,753 --> 00:09:41,493
[panels beeping]
240
00:09:41,537 --> 00:09:43,104
Um...
241
00:09:43,147 --> 00:09:45,672
do you know howto disable a radar system?
242
00:09:45,715 --> 00:09:46,760
- [scoffs]
No.
243
00:09:46,803 --> 00:09:48,196
- Is this another"fear is hot" thing,
244
00:09:48,239 --> 00:09:49,197
or do you really not know?
245
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:50,633
Because I sure don't.
246
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:52,983
Ugh, bad captaining!
Archer: [laughs]
247
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:55,333
Mission accomplished.
248
00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:57,335
How long should we set
the timers for?
249
00:09:57,379 --> 00:09:58,859
- All right, let's see.Uh, Cyril and Cheryl
250
00:09:58,902 --> 00:10:00,512
have to disarm the radar;we all have to get
251
00:10:00,556 --> 00:10:02,514
to the hatch; and I haveto strip this pirate suit off
252
00:10:02,558 --> 00:10:03,907
so the bomb won't blowmy tits off.
253
00:10:03,951 --> 00:10:04,865
- And Archer's baby-maker!
254
00:10:04,908 --> 00:10:06,257
- Don't--don't say "baby," Pam,
255
00:10:06,301 --> 00:10:08,129
because you know--
[grunts]
256
00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:09,783
[groans]
- Shit!
257
00:10:09,826 --> 00:10:11,872
You set them off!
How much time we got?
258
00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:13,482
- Shit, 11 minutes.
- Jesus!
259
00:10:13,525 --> 00:10:14,788
Couldn't you have kicked
a higher number?
260
00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:17,355
- [coughs]
Or, you know, not at all?
261
00:10:17,399 --> 00:10:20,489
- We gotta run.
- Yeah, not much of a runner.
262
00:10:20,532 --> 00:10:22,360
- Okay, guys, listen up.
We have 11 minutes
263
00:10:22,404 --> 00:10:24,145
to get our asses off this ship before it explodes.
264
00:10:24,188 --> 00:10:26,713
- Oh, God.If you find terror hot,
265
00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:28,758
I must be gorgeousto you right now.
266
00:10:28,802 --> 00:10:30,542
- Yeah.
- No, stop!
267
00:10:30,586 --> 00:10:32,806
I shouldn't even be here!I should have been the one
268
00:10:32,849 --> 00:10:34,721
kicking back on the "Seamus"
running comms!
269
00:10:34,764 --> 00:10:37,549
- For your information,
I've got my hands full.
270
00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:39,073
Cyril: Full of what,
gin and tonics?
271
00:10:39,116 --> 00:10:40,727
- I don't know
what you're talking about.
272
00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:42,076
Cyril: We can hear
the ice clinking.
273
00:10:42,119 --> 00:10:44,339
- No, that's space static.
274
00:10:44,382 --> 00:10:45,732
Must be sun spots.
275
00:10:45,775 --> 00:10:47,951
- We need you to connect uswith Ray.
276
00:10:47,995 --> 00:10:50,475
- He's on a sick day!
Cyril: We're going to blow up
277
00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:51,825
in 11 minutes.
278
00:10:51,868 --> 00:10:53,087
Archer: Closer to ten.
- [sighs]
279
00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:55,742
Hold, please.
Ray?
280
00:10:55,785 --> 00:10:57,482
[peaceful music]
281
00:10:57,526 --> 00:10:59,049
Cyril: Ray, thank God.
We need your help.
282
00:10:59,093 --> 00:11:00,703
- Yeah, kind of in the middle
of something.
283
00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:03,706
Malory: Ray our surgery pod
is not designed
284
00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:05,186
for recreational use.
285
00:11:05,229 --> 00:11:07,971
- This is a medical procedure.
Malory: Scented candles?
286
00:11:08,015 --> 00:11:11,192
- Is it a crime to want
to brighten up my colonoscopy?
287
00:11:11,235 --> 00:11:12,759
I think not.
Malory: You said
288
00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:14,195
it wasn't recreational!
289
00:11:14,238 --> 00:11:16,371
- Colorectal cancer's
serious business.
290
00:11:16,414 --> 00:11:18,721
You should be checked
every 10 years after 50.
291
00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:20,418
- Ugh, how old are you?
292
00:11:20,462 --> 00:11:22,507
Ray: Or if you have
atypical symptoms,
293
00:11:22,551 --> 00:11:24,074
like a change
in bowel habits.
294
00:11:24,118 --> 00:11:25,772
- Speaking of which,we're in the bowels
295
00:11:25,815 --> 00:11:27,861
of an enemy battle cruiser!
- I'll be wearing
296
00:11:27,904 --> 00:11:31,168
my colorectal blue ribbon
that says, "I got tested."
297
00:11:31,212 --> 00:11:33,910
Tomorrow, after my sick day.
Which you're interrupting.
298
00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:36,086
Cheryl: Ugh, we need you
to walk us through disabling
299
00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:39,002
a giant spaceship
radar system thingy.
300
00:11:39,046 --> 00:11:41,439
- But my crisis vest
is on Deck 2.
301
00:11:43,224 --> 00:11:45,008
Cyril: Ray!
- Fine.
302
00:11:45,052 --> 00:11:46,967
Let old Ray just interrupt
his prescribed
303
00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:48,969
lifesaving medical test
to call up
304
00:11:49,012 --> 00:11:52,407
alien battle cruiser schematicson his sick day.
305
00:11:52,450 --> 00:11:54,583
Don't suppose you have
a ship model number?
306
00:11:54,626 --> 00:11:56,411
Cyril: We're inside the ship,
so no.
307
00:11:56,454 --> 00:11:57,847
And kind of in a hurry!
308
00:11:57,891 --> 00:11:59,327
- Do you see
a blinking green light?
309
00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:01,895
[overlapping beeps]
310
00:12:01,938 --> 00:12:03,331
- We're dead.
- [sighs]
311
00:12:03,374 --> 00:12:05,637
Don't you just crave
its sweet release?
312
00:12:05,681 --> 00:12:09,772
- Okay, sending you
the disarming protocols...now.
313
00:12:09,816 --> 00:12:11,774
- Thanks, Ray,you're a lifesaver.
314
00:12:11,818 --> 00:12:13,776
You're--God damn it, Ray.
315
00:12:13,820 --> 00:12:15,430
Is this a pictureof your colon?
316
00:12:15,473 --> 00:12:16,866
- Aww.
- Sorry.
317
00:12:16,910 --> 00:12:19,434
This wine might be mixing
with my propofol.
318
00:12:19,477 --> 00:12:21,044
I do see why this is addictive.
319
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:22,176
Cyril: We only have
eight minutes!
320
00:12:22,219 --> 00:12:24,700
- Don't get your panties
in a bunch.
321
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,267
[keys tapping]
322
00:12:26,310 --> 00:12:28,660
Also, do you see any polyps?
323
00:12:28,704 --> 00:12:30,053
- Lana, how is it possible
324
00:12:30,097 --> 00:12:31,881
you wanna give all this upfor diapers?
325
00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:33,796
- I don't know,
maybe because I don't need
326
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:34,971
to play two-bit space cowboy
327
00:12:35,015 --> 00:12:36,712
just because I'm scared
of commitment.
328
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,280
- How dare you speakprecisely the truth at me.
329
00:12:39,323 --> 00:12:41,369
- Hey, guys!Wait up!
330
00:12:41,412 --> 00:12:42,674
- You used to be fun.
331
00:12:42,718 --> 00:12:44,241
Now you wantto do not-fun stuff
332
00:12:44,285 --> 00:12:45,460
like settling down.
333
00:12:45,503 --> 00:12:47,288
Well, I got newsfor you, sister.
334
00:12:47,331 --> 00:12:49,029
- Don't say that, ever.
335
00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:52,293
- Settling is for potato chips.- Oh, God, Archer.
336
00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:55,035
Will you stop treating me
like some baby-crazy cliché
337
00:12:55,078 --> 00:12:56,688
of maternal desire?
[gasps]
338
00:12:56,732 --> 00:13:00,083
[cats mewing]
339
00:13:00,127 --> 00:13:01,998
Aww, look at them!
340
00:13:02,042 --> 00:13:03,652
- Oh, come on, Lana.
341
00:13:03,695 --> 00:13:06,046
[gasps]
Space ocelots.
342
00:13:06,089 --> 00:13:08,091
- Actually, they're called"grimalkians."
343
00:13:08,135 --> 00:13:09,527
- Shut your mouth, Pam.
344
00:13:09,571 --> 00:13:12,792
That is a goddamn space ocelot.
345
00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:15,882
- Ah, son of a bitch.
- [laughs]
346
00:13:15,925 --> 00:13:18,058
You're a real natural.
- I've seen these before.
347
00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:20,234
A shithead ex of minehad one as a pet.
348
00:13:20,277 --> 00:13:22,714
I think they're endangered.
- No doubt the Dri'n
349
00:13:22,758 --> 00:13:24,455
stole them to sell their fur
to illegal traders.
350
00:13:24,499 --> 00:13:27,981
- Yeah, this ex was an illegaltrader, so that all tracks.
351
00:13:28,024 --> 00:13:29,896
- Shit, we've only got
seven minutes
352
00:13:29,939 --> 00:13:33,203
to get off this death star--
lowercase "D," lowercase "S"--
353
00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:36,859
and back to the "Seamus" beforewe explode in a million pieces.
354
00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:38,905
- No, we can't blow up the shipwith them onboard.
355
00:13:38,948 --> 00:13:40,863
They'll go extinct.
- I'll watch anything
356
00:13:40,907 --> 00:13:42,212
that asshole loved burn.
357
00:13:42,256 --> 00:13:44,998
- [baby talk] Just look
how adorable they are.
358
00:13:45,041 --> 00:13:46,869
Ow!
- [laughs]
359
00:13:46,913 --> 00:13:49,872
Guys, look at this!They love me!
360
00:13:49,916 --> 00:13:51,569
It's like I'm their king!
361
00:13:51,613 --> 00:13:54,964
[siren blaring,
pirates grunting]
362
00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:57,010
- Uh, Cyril, Cheryl?
Did you guys--
363
00:13:57,053 --> 00:13:59,926
- Fail spectacularlyat the one task you were given?
364
00:13:59,969 --> 00:14:02,102
Cyril: You said turn off
the radar.
365
00:14:02,145 --> 00:14:03,886
You didn't say anything
about an alarm!
366
00:14:03,930 --> 00:14:06,106
- It was clearly implied.
367
00:14:06,149 --> 00:14:07,672
[baby voice] Yes, it was.Wasn't it?
368
00:14:07,716 --> 00:14:09,718
Yes, it was.
369
00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:14,070
[alarm blaring]
370
00:14:14,114 --> 00:14:16,159
- [speaking Dri'n]
371
00:14:16,203 --> 00:14:18,161
- All clear.
No intruders in here.
372
00:14:18,205 --> 00:14:19,684
Oh, shit, is that English?
373
00:14:19,728 --> 00:14:21,251
- He's the intruderyou're looking for!
374
00:14:21,295 --> 00:14:23,123
Aww, balls.Mine's broken too.
375
00:14:23,166 --> 00:14:24,951
[pirates grunting]
376
00:14:24,994 --> 00:14:26,778
- Hey, screw you for that.
377
00:14:26,822 --> 00:14:28,955
- Girl's gotta
self-preserve, dude.
378
00:14:28,998 --> 00:14:30,043
[gunshots]
379
00:14:30,086 --> 00:14:32,959
- Okay, so now we need
to rescue Cyril and Cheryl--
380
00:14:33,002 --> 00:14:35,744
- Yeah, that's great, but wehave another rescue first.
381
00:14:35,787 --> 00:14:37,267
- What?
- The space ocelots, Pam.
382
00:14:37,311 --> 00:14:39,400
- We've got six minutes,
383
00:14:39,443 --> 00:14:40,923
so let's start with the...
384
00:14:40,967 --> 00:14:43,317
[baby talk]
widdle baby furballs.
385
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:44,535
Oh, mother--
386
00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:46,320
- Is not what you should be,
387
00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:48,931
because these things
do not like you.
388
00:14:48,975 --> 00:14:51,412
It is a hilarious twist
of fate.
389
00:14:51,455 --> 00:14:52,804
[grimalkians meowing]
390
00:14:52,848 --> 00:14:55,329
- Holy hell, those little
twerps are quick.
391
00:14:55,372 --> 00:14:56,939
Oh, well.
Let's get out of here.
392
00:14:56,983 --> 00:14:59,115
- What the...
- [meows]
393
00:14:59,159 --> 00:15:01,944
- Aww, he likes you.
- Um, no, Lana.
394
00:15:01,988 --> 00:15:03,815
He lovesme.
395
00:15:03,859 --> 00:15:05,382
This guy is so cool.
396
00:15:05,426 --> 00:15:06,993
Here, Lana, get a picture.
397
00:15:07,036 --> 00:15:09,386
- Just kick the little shit offand let's roll!
398
00:15:09,430 --> 00:15:10,822
- We're buds!
399
00:15:10,866 --> 00:15:13,651
I'm a badass space cowboy,and he's my deputy!
400
00:15:13,695 --> 00:15:15,610
- [baby talk] Don't you wanna
jump on my shoulder
401
00:15:15,653 --> 00:15:17,351
and be my widdle deputy?
402
00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:19,440
I'm a co-space cowboy.
403
00:15:19,483 --> 00:15:22,878
- Wow, jealousy isan ugly color on you, Lana.
404
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:26,186
- Something's wrongwith this blaster!
405
00:15:26,229 --> 00:15:27,187
- [grunts]
406
00:15:27,230 --> 00:15:29,232
- Have you tried
opening your eyes?
407
00:15:29,276 --> 00:15:30,451
- [grunts]
- Yes!
408
00:15:30,494 --> 00:15:33,628
They actually are open!For real!
409
00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:36,239
- [grunts]
410
00:15:36,283 --> 00:15:38,981
- Guess that's not
a factor anyway.
411
00:15:39,025 --> 00:15:40,417
- [speaking Dri'n]
412
00:15:40,461 --> 00:15:42,898
- Where's the fire, brother?
413
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,901
Oh, shit, was that English?
- [grunts]
414
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:47,990
- Why'd you even open
your big mouth, Archer?
415
00:15:48,034 --> 00:15:49,818
He was running right by us.
416
00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:51,820
- I think the better question
is, why do we even have
417
00:15:51,863 --> 00:15:54,170
a ship robot
if he can't even make
418
00:15:54,214 --> 00:15:57,434
his stupid robot gadgets work?
419
00:15:57,478 --> 00:16:00,133
- We're cut off!
- My circulation is cut off.
420
00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:01,917
The grip on this thingis unreal.
421
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,920
Look at this!He's eating this shit up.
422
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,356
[both grunt]
423
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,619
Come on, little buddy.
424
00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:11,231
Let's go in the fun tunnel.
425
00:16:11,274 --> 00:16:12,884
- Pam?
- Nah.
426
00:16:12,928 --> 00:16:15,061
I don't do tight spaces
I'm not familiar with.
427
00:16:15,104 --> 00:16:16,366
Just go.
I'll hold them off
428
00:16:16,410 --> 00:16:17,933
and meet you at the dock.
429
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,892
Come and get it, space dicks!
430
00:16:20,936 --> 00:16:24,287
- Well, at least it's downhill.- A little too downhill.
431
00:16:24,331 --> 00:16:25,419
Are you surethis is an air vent?
432
00:16:25,462 --> 00:16:27,290
- Of course it's an air vent.
433
00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:30,076
[both screaming]
434
00:16:30,119 --> 00:16:32,078
[pipe rattling]
435
00:16:32,121 --> 00:16:33,601
[bodies thud]
436
00:16:33,644 --> 00:16:36,299
- Ugh, you've gotta be
shitting me.
437
00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:41,391
- Oops, I guess it wasn't
an air vent.
438
00:16:41,435 --> 00:16:42,914
[grimalkian meows]
439
00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:44,046
[lasers firing]
440
00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:46,179
- Ah, my blaster jammed!
441
00:16:46,222 --> 00:16:48,485
- Blasters don't jam,
you lying fleshbag!
442
00:16:48,529 --> 00:16:50,226
You're pathetic!
Cover me!
443
00:16:50,270 --> 00:16:52,272
[pirate grunting]
444
00:16:52,315 --> 00:16:54,274
[dramatic music]
445
00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:56,058
- I thought you had a plan!
- I do!
446
00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:57,277
I'm making a necklace.
447
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,105
- I will give you oneof my teeth.
448
00:16:59,148 --> 00:17:01,281
Just get me off this ship.
- Nope, it's not the same.
449
00:17:01,324 --> 00:17:03,109
It has to be from a kill.
[gasps]
450
00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:05,328
Unless that's something
you might be interested in.
451
00:17:05,372 --> 00:17:08,070
- Ew, no.Hey, any chance
452
00:17:08,114 --> 00:17:09,332
of getting a rescue here?
453
00:17:09,376 --> 00:17:11,465
Lana: Yeah, uh, about that.
- Oh, Lana.
454
00:17:11,508 --> 00:17:13,119
Thank God.
- Archer had us escape
455
00:17:13,162 --> 00:17:15,295
in a stupid air vent that--
- Air vent, copy that.
456
00:17:15,338 --> 00:17:18,254
[pipe rattling]
[bodies thud]
457
00:17:18,298 --> 00:17:21,431
- Cyril, let her finish.
- Oh, God, this is a dead end.
458
00:17:21,475 --> 00:17:23,216
We have two minutes!
What do we do?
459
00:17:23,259 --> 00:17:24,782
- Ugh, you're not gonna
wet your uniform
460
00:17:24,826 --> 00:17:27,089
like last time?
Not the time or place.
461
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:28,873
- Actually, this is
a pretty good time and place.
462
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:31,702
- New plan: we form
a human-ocelot ladder...
463
00:17:31,746 --> 00:17:34,488
- Ugh, I'd rather just die.
- To get back to the air vent.
464
00:17:34,531 --> 00:17:36,707
- Stop calling it an air vent.
465
00:17:36,751 --> 00:17:37,882
- Fine!
[gunfire]
466
00:17:37,926 --> 00:17:39,275
- [yelling]
Cyril: Pam!
467
00:17:39,319 --> 00:17:42,191
Thank God.- You're running the wrong way.
468
00:17:42,235 --> 00:17:43,323
- Cannonball!
469
00:17:43,366 --> 00:17:45,020
[all groan]
470
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,500
- It's in my mouth.
471
00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:48,763
[all grunting]
472
00:17:48,806 --> 00:17:52,071
[gunfire]
473
00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:55,335
- This is not good.[grimalkian meows]
474
00:17:57,989 --> 00:18:00,035
Even my little ocelotbud bailed.
475
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,341
- I'm calling Krieger
for backup.
476
00:18:01,384 --> 00:18:04,735
- No, Lana.Space cowboys do or die.
477
00:18:04,779 --> 00:18:06,128
- He's our only option.
478
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:10,350
Malory, Krieger, come in!
Come in!
479
00:18:10,393 --> 00:18:12,352
- Yes! It's Krieger.
What do you need? I can do it!
480
00:18:12,395 --> 00:18:13,788
Lana: Get down here, stat.
481
00:18:13,831 --> 00:18:15,181
We need backup immediately.
482
00:18:15,224 --> 00:18:16,399
Trash compactor.
- I'm on it!
483
00:18:16,443 --> 00:18:20,055
Yes!
Needed by real humans.
484
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,057
[all grunting,
gunfire]
485
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,841
- [pants]
[sighs, thuds]
486
00:18:23,885 --> 00:18:25,800
- My God, why did we
even bring him?
487
00:18:25,843 --> 00:18:27,149
- This is it, people!
488
00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:29,064
This is the end!
489
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:32,198
Brace yourselves
for obliteration!
490
00:18:32,241 --> 00:18:34,983
[screaming]
491
00:18:35,026 --> 00:18:37,072
- I really like her this way.
492
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:40,119
- I'm kind of into it myself.
- Wait! Look!
493
00:18:41,294 --> 00:18:44,210
[grimalkians growling]
494
00:18:44,253 --> 00:18:45,559
- [meows]
495
00:18:45,602 --> 00:18:47,822
- [grunting in Dri'n]
[grimalkians hissing]
496
00:18:47,865 --> 00:18:51,217
- Jesus!
They're demons in disguise.
497
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:53,349
I've been fooled.
498
00:18:53,393 --> 00:18:56,309
[blasting, groaning]
499
00:18:56,352 --> 00:18:57,658
Pam: Ugh.
Cyril: Oh, my God.
500
00:18:57,701 --> 00:19:00,791
Why does it have to be
so gross?
501
00:19:00,835 --> 00:19:02,184
[liquid splattering]
502
00:19:02,228 --> 00:19:03,533
- Stand back, folks.
503
00:19:03,577 --> 00:19:05,231
I've "bot" this.
504
00:19:05,274 --> 00:19:07,755
[all groan]Archer: And once again, you and
505
00:19:07,798 --> 00:19:11,324
your iron heart arecompletely useless.
506
00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:12,847
[grunts]
507
00:19:12,890 --> 00:19:14,544
[grimalkian meows]
There's my pal!
508
00:19:14,588 --> 00:19:17,591
Back to normal.
You can't quit me, can you?
509
00:19:17,634 --> 00:19:19,375
[grimalkian purrs]
- How much time?
510
00:19:19,419 --> 00:19:20,420
- 30 seconds.
511
00:19:20,463 --> 00:19:22,204
- This is gonna be tight.
512
00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:23,423
Lana: It wouldn't be tight if
you hadn't screwed up
513
00:19:23,466 --> 00:19:24,424
the assignments!
514
00:19:24,467 --> 00:19:26,034
- Whatever, Lana.
515
00:19:26,077 --> 00:19:27,775
Maybe I screwed up the
assignments on purpose
516
00:19:27,818 --> 00:19:30,430
so you'd feel needed
and want to stay.
517
00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:32,127
- Oh, please.
Maybe you're just saying that
518
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,129
as a cool way to cover screwingup the assignments.
519
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,263
- Oh, go have an Earth baby,
why don't you?
520
00:19:37,306 --> 00:19:39,221
Oh, we can't just leave these
space ocelots here.
521
00:19:39,265 --> 00:19:40,831
- Grimalkians.
And, yes, we can.
522
00:19:40,875 --> 00:19:42,616
- Pam, I'm not gonna do this
with you.
523
00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:44,444
I'm already too upset.
524
00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:46,141
Lana: Oh, God, their eyes.
525
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,925
- Even though they hate you?
- Yep, even though.
526
00:19:47,969 --> 00:19:50,319
- 15 seconds!
- I think these furry banshees
527
00:19:50,363 --> 00:19:51,886
are just gonna have
to stay on board.
528
00:19:51,929 --> 00:19:55,194
[grimalkians whining]
529
00:19:57,457 --> 00:20:01,069
[explosions]
530
00:20:05,465 --> 00:20:07,075
[grimalkians meowing]
531
00:20:07,118 --> 00:20:10,470
- I meant on board
the other ship.
532
00:20:10,513 --> 00:20:11,906
- Oh, God damn it to shit!
533
00:20:11,949 --> 00:20:13,647
Can't these bastards stayin the cargo hold?
534
00:20:13,690 --> 00:20:17,303
- [gasps]
Mommy's just joking.
535
00:20:17,346 --> 00:20:19,914
[whispering] I think we all
know who the fun parent is.
536
00:20:19,957 --> 00:20:22,221
[grimalkian purrs]
537
00:20:41,414 --> 00:20:44,982
- Made in Georgia.
538
00:20:54,470 --> 00:20:57,212
[shrieks]
Rocket pack!
539
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,432
You know how much fuel
you just wasted?
540
00:20:59,475 --> 00:21:03,305
I don'’t know. How much paint
did Michelangelo waste
on the Sistine Chapel?
541
00:21:03,349 --> 00:21:05,307
ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.
542
00:21:05,351 --> 00:21:08,136
All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.
39915
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