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[screaming]
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ANNOUNCER: FXX presents
Archer 1999.
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♪
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ARCHER:
Lana.
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Lana.
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-[inhales deeply]
-Let me go ahead
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and save you the trouble
of shouting my name
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-like a shrill five-year-old...-Shrill?
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00:00:20,672 --> 00:00:22,283
...and point out
that I'm a little busy
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doing both our jobs.
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Which I'd be helping you with
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00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:26,722
if I could find
the goddamn cherries.
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00:00:26,765 --> 00:00:27,853
What cherries?
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The maraschino cherries, Lana.
I...
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We are entering the atmosphere
of an uncharted planet
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at a couple thousand miles
per hour
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to check out a distress beacon,
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and you're talking to me
about cherries?
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She said. Dryly.
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Sorry. I didn't invent how
to make a whiskey sour, Lana.
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Here's an idea.
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Maybe try inventing
not doing that right now.
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God, lighten up.
It's a road trip.
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Who goes on a road trip
without a few cocktails?
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-Look...
-Trick question, Lana.
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-No one does.
-This isn't...
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The time to try new things.
Exactly.
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00:00:55,707 --> 00:00:58,319
Especially when we're going
a thousand miles per...
29
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Goddamn it!
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-[alarm blaring]
-[crackling]
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FEMALE VOICE:
System failure.
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System failure.
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Autopilot is out!
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[grunts]
I got it.
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-[laughing]
-What is happening?-KRIEGER: What are they doing?!
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-[whimpering]
-Goddamn it!
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The hell's going on up there?
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Don't look at me!
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Talk to Captain Road Trip
over here!
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What? Oh, how is this
suddenly my fault?
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We're coming in hot!
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Everyone, hang on!
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Hey, if you happen to see
any cherries back there...
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Oh, God, give it a rest!
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You give it a rest!
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[all shouting]
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-[crash]
-[grunting]
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♪
49
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[crackling]
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-[Cheryl laughing]
-[Cyril crying]
-Ow!
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-Holy shitsnacks!
-[coughs]
52
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[bottle rolling]
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[bottle clinks]
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Never mind.
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Found the cherries.
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00:02:02,992 --> 00:02:05,212
[Archertheme playing]
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So, got some good news
and some bad news.
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Any chanceyou're gonna tell us what it is?
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Oh. Right.
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00:02:49,386 --> 00:02:51,083
The bad news is,
comms are dead
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00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:52,433
and the fuel cell's ruptured,
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so we're not going anywhere
anytime soon.
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Hang on. You mean
we're frickin' stranded?
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[scoffs]
Not stranded, dummy.
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He said "soon."
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Though I technically meant
"ever."
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Then what's the good news?
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Hmm. Guess it was
mostly just bad news.
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00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:08,362
-Damn it, Krieger!
-God, relax.
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He said "mostly."
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So... completely inoperable.
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Um, what are you doing?
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Oh. Uh, since our insurance
claims keep getting denied,
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Ms. Archer has put me
in charge of the paperwork.
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Cause of accident:
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barely functional alcoholism.
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-Hey!
-All right, listen up.
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Let's salvage what we can
from the shuttle
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and find the distress beacon.
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It's probably a downed ship,
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so maybe there's a fuel cell
we can use.
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ARCHER:
Way ahead of you.
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On the "salvage what you can"
part.
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-Unbelievable.
-[snickers] Right?
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What are the chances
lemons would survive the...
86
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,439
Can you please focus?
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00:03:42,483 --> 00:03:44,528
Why? Mother's
probably putting together
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a rescue plan as we speak.
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-[Muzak playing]
-[beeping]
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Mm. should probably check
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on why their comms are down.
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Meh. Feels like it can wait.
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[sighs deeply]
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Everything can wait.
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♪
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[smacks lips, sighs]
97
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Speaking of,
anybody want in on this?
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I'm about to make another batch.
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00:04:06,594 --> 00:04:08,422
-Seriously?
-Road trip.
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Which we may be on forever
if we're stranded here.
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00:04:10,685 --> 00:04:12,948
Oh, take it easy, Lana.
It'll be fine.
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00:04:12,991 --> 00:04:15,951
And this blithe optimism
is based on what, exactly?
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Because this is me
we're talking about.
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Wildly reassuring.
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Trust me on this.
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I have mastered the art
of blind luck.
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No offense to your blind luck,
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but it might be nice
to have a plan B.
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Why? Seriously,
do you have any idea
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how many times I should haveliterally died in the last year?
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00:04:32,576 --> 00:04:34,404
-Wow me.
-Krieger, tell her.
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00:04:34,448 --> 00:04:36,101
Including that thing last week?
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Hey! This is totally safe,
right?
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-Technically?
-As in "actually," Krieger!
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Kind of feels like probably.
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To both of those.
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Whoa, whoa, wait! What?!
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-Then nine.
-Boosh.
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Please tell me there's a point.
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Point is,
if you hit pause
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on your whole angry
negativity thing...
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Angry what?
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...for, like, one second,
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you'd notice
we always end up fine.
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[creature snarling]
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♪
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[gulping]
128
00:05:04,216 --> 00:05:07,219
Though we may be pushing
our luck at this point.
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00:05:09,091 --> 00:05:11,746
[sighs]
Christ on a cracker.
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Is this whole frickin' planet
uphill?
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[gasps]
Jesus, is that a thing?
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At least it means we're not
totally lost going in circles.
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KRIEGER:
Though not feeling
entirely un-lost.
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We're not lost, idiots.
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00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,063
I know how to work
the whatchamahickey.
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00:05:25,107 --> 00:05:26,500
Really?
Because "whatchamahickey"
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doesn't inspire
tons of confidence.
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00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:29,764
It's technically
a whatchamacallit.
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00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:32,593
Or am I being too negative?
140
00:05:32,636 --> 00:05:34,246
-When are you not?
-All the time, jackass!
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00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:36,553
-Oh, and there's the angry part.-Look...
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Face it, Lana. Angry'sbasically your default setting.
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-Says who?
-Besides everybody?
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00:05:41,036 --> 00:05:43,778
-Well, not everybody.
-Thank you!
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00:05:43,821 --> 00:05:45,562
[chuckles]: Just the people
who've actually met you.
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Yeah. Possibly a few others.
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Hey, assholes.
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00:05:48,696 --> 00:05:50,437
I'm not, like,
perpetually angry.
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00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:52,526
[laughing]
Really?
150
00:05:52,569 --> 00:05:54,571
-Yes, really.
-Scale of one to ten, Lana,
151
00:05:54,615 --> 00:05:57,008
how happy would you say you are,in general?
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00:05:57,052 --> 00:05:58,445
Oh, easily a six.
153
00:05:58,488 --> 00:06:00,229
A six?
Then what's a seven,
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00:06:00,272 --> 00:06:02,318
"Yay, I've got tons of cancer"?
155
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Like you're any better.
156
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:05,495
Seriously?
I'm always a total nine.
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00:06:05,539 --> 00:06:06,540
[scoffs]
Please.
158
00:06:06,583 --> 00:06:08,846
I'm buoyant, Lana,
bordering on bubbly.
159
00:06:08,890 --> 00:06:10,195
Listen to how I talk.
160
00:06:10,239 --> 00:06:12,415
-There's a tone.
-A tone?
161
00:06:12,459 --> 00:06:13,677
Yes, Lana, a tone.
162
00:06:13,721 --> 00:06:16,114
Notice how my sentences go up
at the end?
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00:06:16,158 --> 00:06:18,639
Oh, yeah. You mean like,
"Shut the hell up"?
164
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-[beeping]
-Exac-- Damn it.
165
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:21,816
-Ow!
-Ha.
166
00:06:21,859 --> 00:06:24,340
Now I'm a seven,
by the way.
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[creature snarling]
168
00:06:28,257 --> 00:06:30,041
And now I'm a two.
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00:06:30,085 --> 00:06:32,348
[footsteps stomping]
170
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,568
So which partof the blind luck plan is this?
171
00:06:34,611 --> 00:06:37,266
Um, I think this is the part
where you sh...
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...it!
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00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:39,616
Finally!
174
00:06:39,660 --> 00:06:41,618
Some frickin' downhill.
175
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[thud]
176
00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:44,491
[beeping quickens]
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00:06:44,534 --> 00:06:48,712
Blind luck,
you are my spirit animal.
178
00:06:50,627 --> 00:06:53,717
Holy spacesnacks.
179
00:06:53,761 --> 00:06:55,937
What the hell happened?
180
00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:58,156
Hopefully nothing a fuel cell
couldn't survive.
181
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,158
Yeah, otherwise,
we're pretty much screwed.
182
00:07:00,202 --> 00:07:01,464
Easy, Debbie Downer.
183
00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:03,553
No one wants to go
to your dark place right now.
184
00:07:03,597 --> 00:07:04,685
You know...
185
00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:05,686
Yeah, but she's right.
186
00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:07,688
We only have enough food
for a few days.
187
00:07:07,731 --> 00:07:10,473
Then what?
We sit around and starve?
188
00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:12,257
[scoffs] Please,
whoever survives the culling
189
00:07:12,301 --> 00:07:14,695
-will have plenty of food.
-The what?
190
00:07:14,738 --> 00:07:16,044
Uh, the culling?
191
00:07:16,087 --> 00:07:18,046
You know, where people suffocatein their sleep
192
00:07:18,089 --> 00:07:19,917
with gross, sweaty socks
stuffed in their mouths
193
00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:21,353
or get accidentally stabbed
in the neck
194
00:07:21,397 --> 00:07:24,052
while they pee or whatever?
195
00:07:24,095 --> 00:07:26,358
-What?
-The details make it weird.
196
00:07:26,402 --> 00:07:27,708
Just the details?
197
00:07:27,751 --> 00:07:28,709
Section seven,
198
00:07:28,752 --> 00:07:31,363
possible post-accident injuries.
199
00:07:31,407 --> 00:07:34,541
-Uh, that's "culling"
with a "C," right?
-Look,
200
00:07:34,584 --> 00:07:36,673
idiots, there's got to be a fuelcell around here somewhere.
201
00:07:36,717 --> 00:07:38,545
They're basically impossible
to destroy.
202
00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:40,547
Unless the pilot
spills a cocktail
203
00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:42,549
-all over the flight controls.
-Yeah.
204
00:07:42,592 --> 00:07:44,768
But what are the odds
their pilot was that kick-ass?
205
00:07:44,812 --> 00:07:48,555
Perhaps better than you think.
206
00:07:48,598 --> 00:07:49,904
LANA:
Holy...
207
00:07:49,947 --> 00:07:52,646
PAM:
Shitsnacks.
208
00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:53,777
Ooh. Fascinating.
209
00:07:53,821 --> 00:07:55,649
Now I'm an eight.
210
00:07:55,692 --> 00:07:58,652
LANA:
How is this possible?
211
00:07:58,695 --> 00:07:59,696
CYRIL:
It-it isn't.
212
00:07:59,740 --> 00:08:00,915
This is insane.
213
00:08:00,958 --> 00:08:02,438
ARCHER:
Obviously.
214
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:05,006
I mean,
who shaves off hair like this?
215
00:08:05,049 --> 00:08:06,573
[laughs]
216
00:08:06,616 --> 00:08:08,923
Idiot.
217
00:08:12,796 --> 00:08:16,670
LANA:
Okay, there's got to be
a logical explanation.
218
00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:18,759
ARCHER:
Lana, there's nothing logical
about shaving...
219
00:08:18,802 --> 00:08:20,761
Not talking about your hair,
dumbass.
220
00:08:20,804 --> 00:08:22,763
None of this makes any sense.
221
00:08:22,806 --> 00:08:25,635
Uh, ever consider the fact
we're obviously ghosts
222
00:08:25,679 --> 00:08:28,420
looking at our own
stupid dead bodies?
223
00:08:28,464 --> 00:08:30,727
We're not ghosts,
dick nuts.
224
00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:31,772
How do you-- Ow!
225
00:08:31,815 --> 00:08:34,557
Buy a girl a drink first.
226
00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:35,776
Jesus.
227
00:08:35,819 --> 00:08:38,648
Is anyone here familiar
with multiverse theory?
228
00:08:38,692 --> 00:08:39,997
How 'bout pretend we're not?
229
00:08:40,041 --> 00:08:42,913
Long story short,this may be a parallel universe,
230
00:08:42,957 --> 00:08:45,655
making these our doppelgangers.
231
00:08:45,699 --> 00:08:46,917
Doppel-what?
232
00:08:46,961 --> 00:08:48,919
Sort of like
everyone's alter egos.
233
00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:51,226
[sighs]
Not everyone's.
234
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:53,228
Yeah.
Where's yours, Krieger?
235
00:08:53,271 --> 00:08:55,578
Huh.
Maybe doppel-Krieger survived.
236
00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:58,712
Yeah. And maybe
he killed everybody.
237
00:08:58,755 --> 00:08:59,713
[chuckles nervously]
Please,
238
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:01,584
why would I
ever finally do that?
239
00:09:01,628 --> 00:09:03,804
[static, trilling]
240
00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:06,241
What the hell?
241
00:09:06,284 --> 00:09:07,764
-[alarm blaring]
-Mayday, mayday.
242
00:09:07,808 --> 00:09:09,636
This is Sterling Archer
of the MVSeamus,
243
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:10,767
and we are going down.
244
00:09:10,811 --> 00:09:12,856
Repeat, we are going down.
245
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:14,771
Transmitting our location now.
246
00:09:14,815 --> 00:09:17,382
And, on a personal note,
whoever gets this,
247
00:09:17,426 --> 00:09:19,646
please know
my only regret is...
248
00:09:19,689 --> 00:09:21,082
The hair, obviously.
249
00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:22,474
-Shut up.
-Oh, come on.
-Shut up, man.
250
00:09:22,518 --> 00:09:24,694
...I wasn't able to save
my valiant crew.
251
00:09:24,738 --> 00:09:25,826
My dear friends, Cyril,
252
00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,392
Pam, Krieger,
253
00:09:27,436 --> 00:09:28,829
Ray, Crystal...
254
00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:31,440
Oh, my God! Totally forgot
about the Crystal thing.
255
00:09:31,483 --> 00:09:32,876
...I love you all dearly.
256
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,009
Truly the best friends
a guy could have.
257
00:09:35,052 --> 00:09:36,837
-Aw.
-Oh, my God, give me...
258
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:37,838
OTHERS:
Shut up!
259
00:09:37,881 --> 00:09:38,969
But, most of all,
260
00:09:39,013 --> 00:09:40,667
I'll miss my wife, Lana.
261
00:09:40,710 --> 00:09:43,887
You're the greatest thing
that ever happened to me.
262
00:09:43,931 --> 00:09:45,802
I wrote you this poem
I want to read.
263
00:09:45,846 --> 00:09:49,763
It's called
"I'll Never Stop..."
264
00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:51,112
"Totally Embarrassing Yourself"?
265
00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:52,896
-Come on!
-Oh, God!
266
00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:55,246
You realize, theoretically,
that was you, right?
267
00:09:55,290 --> 00:09:56,900
How? He's nothing like me.
268
00:09:56,944 --> 00:09:59,903
Got a point. He did seem
entirely non-self-absorbed.
269
00:09:59,947 --> 00:10:01,818
Exactly.
Wait, what?
270
00:10:01,862 --> 00:10:03,254
And weirdly not a dick.
271
00:10:03,298 --> 00:10:05,126
You're weirdly not a dick.
272
00:10:05,169 --> 00:10:06,780
-Makes no sense.
-Yeah.
273
00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:10,261
That other Archer
was refreshingly friendly.
274
00:10:10,305 --> 00:10:12,263
Yeah, like what you think
matters, Cyril.
275
00:10:12,307 --> 00:10:13,787
And we're back.
276
00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:16,093
And is it just me,
or was that shaved head thing
277
00:10:16,137 --> 00:10:18,443
-super working?
-Totally.
278
00:10:18,487 --> 00:10:20,054
-Ka-sploosh!
-I was into it.
279
00:10:20,097 --> 00:10:22,360
Just sit thereand be into the non-hair-having,
280
00:10:22,404 --> 00:10:24,232
clearly castrated version of me
281
00:10:24,275 --> 00:10:27,844
while I go find a fuel cell to
get us all out of here, which,
282
00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:32,719
P.S., is pretty much
the opposite of self-absorbed!
283
00:10:35,765 --> 00:10:37,375
So, how's
the bubbly thing going?
284
00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:39,160
Still sporting that nine?
285
00:10:39,203 --> 00:10:40,727
[timidly]:
No.
286
00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:43,730
[creature snarling]
287
00:10:43,773 --> 00:10:46,297
[footsteps stomping]
288
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:54,262
"Are you making any
of the following claims
289
00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:55,698
for emotional distress?"
290
00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:57,265
Yes, yes, yes.
291
00:10:57,308 --> 00:10:58,309
Well, these are all yes.
292
00:10:58,353 --> 00:11:00,703
[screaming]
293
00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,705
[all shouting]
294
00:11:02,749 --> 00:11:05,142
[ship creaking]
295
00:11:05,186 --> 00:11:07,144
[thud]
296
00:11:07,188 --> 00:11:10,191
Shit, I'm heavy.
297
00:11:10,234 --> 00:11:11,235
[creature snarls]
298
00:11:13,847 --> 00:11:14,935
[all screaming]
299
00:11:14,978 --> 00:11:16,806
ARCHER:
Incoming!
300
00:11:17,415 --> 00:11:18,765
[thud]
301
00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:26,381
[roaring]
302
00:11:26,424 --> 00:11:31,342
[muffled]:
So, I officially quit.
303
00:11:31,386 --> 00:11:32,866
And speaking of good news,
304
00:11:32,909 --> 00:11:36,130
I assume finding this
crammed up my ass qualified?
305
00:11:36,173 --> 00:11:38,219
Is that a fuel cell?
Oh, thank God.
306
00:11:38,262 --> 00:11:40,438
Shut up, Cyril.
You still don't matter.
307
00:11:40,482 --> 00:11:41,831
[Cheryl laughs]
308
00:11:41,875 --> 00:11:44,965
It's funny 'cause it's true.
309
00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:48,359
KRIEGER:
Okay, got some good news
and bad news.
310
00:11:48,403 --> 00:11:49,883
[snarls]
311
00:11:49,926 --> 00:11:52,929
Bad news is, that thing's
not going anywhere.
312
00:11:52,973 --> 00:11:54,844
And the good news?
313
00:11:54,888 --> 00:11:56,628
Mm. I swear
I had something for this.
314
00:11:56,672 --> 00:11:58,413
-Krieger.
-Krieger!
-Great.
315
00:11:58,456 --> 00:12:00,763
Making us pretty much screwed.
316
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:02,547
-Easily a six.
-Shut it.
317
00:12:02,591 --> 00:12:04,985
And let the culling begin!
318
00:12:05,028 --> 00:12:05,986
Okay.
319
00:12:06,029 --> 00:12:07,639
[thud]
320
00:12:07,683 --> 00:12:09,554
Maybe instead
of culling each other,
321
00:12:09,598 --> 00:12:11,774
we should come up
with an actual plan.
322
00:12:11,818 --> 00:12:13,863
Like, obviously,
someone needs to go out there
323
00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:15,996
and distract that thing
while everyone else gets away.
324
00:12:16,039 --> 00:12:16,997
And I vote Pam.
325
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,781
What? Screw you, dick nuts.
326
00:12:18,825 --> 00:12:20,348
-What?
-Why me?
327
00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:21,784
Because look at you, Pam.
328
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:24,004
That thing's not gonna want
to eat... that.
329
00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:25,222
Well, you either!
330
00:12:25,266 --> 00:12:27,268
'Cause who'd want to eat
a complete dick?
331
00:12:27,311 --> 00:12:29,487
Just gonna softball it in
like that?
332
00:12:29,531 --> 00:12:31,489
Sorry I didn't invent
appetizing, Pam.
333
00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:34,057
Yeah, well,
I'm sorry we ended up
334
00:12:34,101 --> 00:12:36,277
with the complete asshole
version of you.
335
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:39,715
Oh, what? You'd rather have
touchy-feely bald guy?
336
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,195
-Yep, yep, yep.
-100%.
-No contest.
337
00:12:41,238 --> 00:12:43,501
Fine. Know what?
338
00:12:43,545 --> 00:12:45,895
[grunts]
You want him?
339
00:12:45,939 --> 00:12:47,897
[grunts]
340
00:12:47,941 --> 00:12:50,639
Then come and get him!
341
00:12:50,682 --> 00:12:51,858
Boom! Wordplay!
342
00:12:51,901 --> 00:12:54,382
-[snarling]
-Now run, idiots!
343
00:12:54,425 --> 00:12:56,950
♪
344
00:12:58,255 --> 00:12:59,735
[leaves rustling]
345
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,042
LANA:
So, was it weird?
346
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:02,825
Probably.
347
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:04,827
Wait, what are we talking about?
348
00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:07,395
You know, watching your alterego get eaten by a giant lizard.
349
00:13:07,438 --> 00:13:09,919
Please, if that guy
was really my alter ego, Lana,
350
00:13:09,963 --> 00:13:11,616
he would have been something
really cool,
351
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:13,967
like a secret agent
or a private detective
352
00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:15,272
-or a...
-[rustling]
353
00:13:18,885 --> 00:13:21,104
♪
354
00:13:21,148 --> 00:13:22,889
Oh, my God!
355
00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:24,107
You guys are alive!
356
00:13:24,151 --> 00:13:25,108
Archer!
357
00:13:25,152 --> 00:13:27,023
Oh, God. Get it off.
358
00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:28,546
And your hair!
359
00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:30,897
-Right?
-It's glorious!
360
00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:32,986
Aw. Wait a minute.
361
00:13:33,029 --> 00:13:34,291
Doppelganger multiverse theory?
362
00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:35,858
[chuckles]
Exactly.
363
00:13:35,902 --> 00:13:38,469
And the rest of my crew's...
dead?
364
00:13:38,513 --> 00:13:41,211
-Exactly.-Oh, like you didn't kill them.
365
00:13:41,255 --> 00:13:42,212
[chuckles nervously]
What?
366
00:13:42,256 --> 00:13:44,040
Why would I ever do that,
finally?
367
00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:45,041
-Right?
-Besides...
368
00:13:45,085 --> 00:13:46,303
You know what?
What do you say
369
00:13:46,347 --> 00:13:48,523
we take this half-assed reunionon the road
370
00:13:48,566 --> 00:13:51,787
before that tyrannosaurus
whatever shows up for seconds?
371
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,049
-Fascinating.
-What?
372
00:13:53,093 --> 00:13:55,269
Our Lana had
a lot of angry energy, too.
373
00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:57,097
Ha! Hilarious.
374
00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:58,098
Oh, is it?
375
00:13:58,141 --> 00:14:00,100
And that was
no Tyrannosaurus rexyou saw.
376
00:14:00,143 --> 00:14:02,450
I mean,
unless a T. rexis capable
377
00:14:02,493 --> 00:14:05,061
of camouflaging itself perfectlyin any surroundings
378
00:14:05,105 --> 00:14:07,542
with chameleon-like...
379
00:14:10,023 --> 00:14:11,676
Oh, shit.
380
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:12,895
It's right behind me,
isn't it?
381
00:14:12,939 --> 00:14:15,158
[low snarling]
382
00:14:16,725 --> 00:14:19,380
[snarling]
383
00:14:19,423 --> 00:14:24,080
So, how's that whole
blind luck thing working out?
384
00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:26,300
[all shouting]
385
00:14:26,343 --> 00:14:28,389
No! Me!
386
00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:33,960
[Archer laughs]
387
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:35,178
You tell me.
388
00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:37,789
[snarling]
389
00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:44,405
[roaring]
390
00:14:44,448 --> 00:14:46,189
Uh, I mean, seriously, Lana,
391
00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:48,757
At some point, you really got
to ask yourself...
392
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,106
It's not the time.
393
00:14:50,150 --> 00:14:52,413
...If maybe the luckiest spot
in the galaxy
394
00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:55,155
is standing right next to me.
395
00:14:55,198 --> 00:14:57,157
Got a whole bunch of wedding
photos that say otherwise.
396
00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,159
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
397
00:14:59,202 --> 00:15:00,595
[panting]
398
00:15:00,638 --> 00:15:02,292
We have wedding photos?
399
00:15:02,336 --> 00:15:04,947
Oh, yeah. Big box of 'em
labeled "Cautionary Tale,"
400
00:15:04,991 --> 00:15:07,036
which is what this whole thing'sgonna turn into
401
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:10,735
if we can't find our way
back to the ship.
402
00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:11,954
How the hell?
403
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:14,043
I've learned not to ask.
404
00:15:14,087 --> 00:15:16,002
Now, let's get the hell
out of here.
405
00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:17,438
Wait, what are you talking
about? We can't just fly off.
406
00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:20,006
What? Then why haveI been lugging this thing around
407
00:15:20,049 --> 00:15:21,181
all this time?
408
00:15:21,224 --> 00:15:23,313
No. I mean
we can't just leave everyone.
409
00:15:23,357 --> 00:15:25,098
Of course we're not, Lana.
410
00:15:25,141 --> 00:15:27,883
-[creature snarls]-Assuming they get here on time.
411
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,232
Wow. Such an asshole.
412
00:15:29,276 --> 00:15:30,886
-What?
-Could you try
413
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,106
not being completely consumed
with yourself
414
00:15:33,149 --> 00:15:35,238
for once in your life?
415
00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:37,414
Why?
416
00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:41,244
Wait, I don't want
to go wandering around
417
00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:44,117
a man-eating jungle
and suddenly I'mthe asshole?
418
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,946
How does that even work?
419
00:15:49,687 --> 00:15:51,646
Oh, I know.
420
00:15:51,689 --> 00:15:53,996
Maybe I should shave my head
and take up poetry
421
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:58,131
and see how many things I canrhyme with "soul-sucking" and...
422
00:15:58,174 --> 00:16:00,655
CYRIL:
Lana!
423
00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:03,614
Psst! Lana!
424
00:16:03,658 --> 00:16:05,399
What are you guys doing?
425
00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:07,053
[quietly]: Well,we
werehiding from that stupid,
426
00:16:07,096 --> 00:16:08,619
giant lizard thingy.
427
00:16:08,663 --> 00:16:11,274
But now, thanks
to your loud-as-shit ass...
428
00:16:11,318 --> 00:16:13,624
Not so much.
429
00:16:13,668 --> 00:16:15,496
[roaring]
430
00:16:15,539 --> 00:16:16,453
Holy...
431
00:16:16,497 --> 00:16:17,889
Shit.
432
00:16:17,933 --> 00:16:21,023
Oh, wait.
433
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:23,460
KRIEGER:Ow! What are you doing, woman?!
434
00:16:23,504 --> 00:16:25,897
Besides pissing it off
even more!
435
00:16:25,941 --> 00:16:28,596
And totally killing
our earballs!
436
00:16:28,639 --> 00:16:30,902
-What?
-See?!
437
00:16:30,946 --> 00:16:32,034
[snarling]
438
00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:34,123
-[Pam screaming]
-KRIEGER: Goddamn it!
439
00:16:40,303 --> 00:16:43,176
[snarls]
440
00:16:43,219 --> 00:16:45,265
Good God.
What the hell's it doing now?
441
00:16:45,308 --> 00:16:47,180
I don't know,
moving on to plan B?
442
00:16:47,223 --> 00:16:50,531
Yeah, "B,"
as in "burying us alive!"
443
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:54,970
[roaring]
444
00:16:57,364 --> 00:16:59,235
[roaring]
445
00:16:59,279 --> 00:17:00,236
Okay.
446
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:01,890
Who brought the dog?
447
00:17:01,933 --> 00:17:04,197
[snarls]
448
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,114
[Archer grunts]
449
00:17:08,157 --> 00:17:10,116
[shouting]
450
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:11,682
Damn it!
451
00:17:11,726 --> 00:17:14,903
[all shouting]
452
00:17:14,946 --> 00:17:17,340
[snarls]
453
00:17:17,384 --> 00:17:18,863
No!
454
00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:21,083
[groans]
455
00:17:33,574 --> 00:17:37,099
[whirring]
456
00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:39,188
[creature screeching]
457
00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:47,544
[engines power down]
458
00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:51,461
Well, look who decided
not to be a total dick.
459
00:17:51,505 --> 00:17:54,116
Just couldn't leave
my buddy Cyril behind.
460
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:55,291
Wait, really?
461
00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:56,597
Of course not, idiot.
462
00:17:56,640 --> 00:18:00,122
And yet you had the time to stopand make a cocktail.
463
00:18:00,166 --> 00:18:03,125
God, you are
just so glass half-empty.
464
00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:04,257
Ooh, actually, me, too.
465
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:07,173
So just gonna freshen this up.
466
00:18:09,436 --> 00:18:11,612
♪
467
00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:20,360
MALORY:
Item one.
468
00:18:20,403 --> 00:18:22,362
-Item what?
-Yeah, what are we even doing?
469
00:18:22,405 --> 00:18:24,364
It's called an agenda.
470
00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:26,148
-For what?
-So confused right now.
471
00:18:26,192 --> 00:18:28,150
I swear, you people!
472
00:18:28,194 --> 00:18:30,021
[inhales]
Item one.
473
00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:32,241
The insurance company
has officially deemed
474
00:18:32,285 --> 00:18:34,287
the Seamus IIa total loss,
475
00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:35,723
so this little enterprise
476
00:18:35,766 --> 00:18:38,726
may actually turn a profit
this year.
477
00:18:38,769 --> 00:18:41,032
What are you talking about?
478
00:18:41,076 --> 00:18:43,296
-The other crew.
-Hang on. I thought those were
479
00:18:43,339 --> 00:18:45,298
our parallel universe
doppel-bangers.
480
00:18:45,341 --> 00:18:46,821
Oh, for the love of...
481
00:18:46,864 --> 00:18:48,823
Those were clones,
you idiots.
482
00:18:48,866 --> 00:18:51,826
I had you people cloned
in your sleep.
483
00:18:51,869 --> 00:18:54,263
-Why?
-To double productivity, dear.
484
00:18:54,307 --> 00:18:56,091
It was Krieger's idea.
485
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:59,442
Oh, did I obviously forget
486
00:18:59,486 --> 00:19:01,444
-to mention that?
-Yep.
487
00:19:01,488 --> 00:19:04,969
So wait till you see what we doto you in yoursleep.
488
00:19:05,013 --> 00:19:08,103
[quietly]:
Now I'm a nine.
489
00:19:32,475 --> 00:19:36,479
Made in Georgia.
490
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,442
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
491
00:19:44,313 --> 00:19:45,314
Whoo!
492
00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:47,621
-Hey.
-[screeching]
493
00:19:47,664 --> 00:19:49,231
-Welcome to the freak show.
-[gasps]
494
00:19:49,927 --> 00:19:50,972
[growling]
495
00:19:51,102 --> 00:19:52,278
-[farts]
-[sniffs]
496
00:19:52,321 --> 00:19:55,498
-Is that shepherd's pie?
-And banana puddin'.
497
00:19:55,542 --> 00:19:58,284
-Why, I oughta--
-You oughta... wash off
that 'nana puddin'.
498
00:19:58,327 --> 00:19:59,415
-[slaps land]
-[grunting]
499
00:19:59,459 --> 00:20:01,374
ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.
500
00:20:01,417 --> 00:20:04,072
All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.
34279
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