Original subtitles

[screaming]

ANNOUNCER: FXX presents Archer 1999.

[dramatic music]

Cyril: Now that doesn't look right.

- Why am I lookingat a black hole?

You know I hate those.

- Yeah, we're nowhere near where we're supposed to be.

- Well, maybe we should find the navigator

and throw something at him.

- Wait, I'm the--hey!

- Seriously?

- Sorry, I didn't have anything heavier.

- Also there's that.

- That is the most evil thing I've ever seen.

- This isn't my fault.

I didn't enterthese coordinates.

That thing summoned usout of hyperspace.

- Well, don't just stand theregawping like stunned space elk.

Go see if there's anythingworth salvaging.

- You want us to walk into a thing

that might as well have

"imminent death" written on the side?

- Well...

Since we're here.

- Yep, and nothing terrible

ever happens in a place like this.

- Hmm, I'm not finding much.

Just a bunch of hallways that meet up over there.

Ooh, I'm picking up large amounts of organic compounds!

Aww, but no moisture,

which only makes sense if it's--

- A giant field of old, dead aliens?

- Or an army of space mummies.

- Uh, look up circuit-dick.

- Oh, well, technically I'm correct

if they stand up...now!

Right now.

- Instead of trying to raise the dead,

why don't we just find something shiny

and get the heck out of here?

Cyril, find anything?

- Well, it looks likethere are two kinds of aliens.

Heavily armored and seems likethey've been here for eons.

[coughing] Ah!

Dead--[coughs]--alien-- [coughs]--in--[coughs]--

my--[coughs]--lungs.

- Whoa-ho! Cool!

Malory: We've decoded the writing on the outside

and it seemed...relevant.

- Relevant how?

Malory: Well, as far as we can tell,

it's one phrase translated

into a dozen ancient languages.

"Beware. End of life." "Beware. End of life."

Any-hoo...

- Now I kind of wishwe'd worn helmets.

- Time to go. Cyril, Pam.

- [coughing] - Ha-ha!

Bring me the biggest goose in all of London!

[mechanical whirring]

- [English accent] Well, hello.

I'm Mr. Deadly,

and I'm coming with you.

- And if we don't take you?

[suspenseful music]

♪

- Written right on the side.

[main title theme]

♪

[dramatic music]

♪

- Could you say that one more time?

- Bring me the biggest goo-- - Not you!

- I'm a sentient doomsday device

created by an extinct alien race but never used.

- Wait, never used?What about all those bodies?

[lasers zapping]

- [roaring]

- [pained groaning]

- Well, hello.I'm Mr. Deadly.

[sighs] Typical.

I didn't kill them. They died fighting over me.

- But you gestured threateningly.

- I've been alone for thousands of years,

so my nonverbal communication skills are a bit rusty.

- So wait, are youa weapon or not?

- As I said, doomsday device.

Designed by a race to whom mutual destruction

was preferable to defeat.

I was hidden away on the edge of space,

but the war I was created to end in fiery apotheosis

concluded without me.

So there I remained, my only companions

the velvety dark and solitude itself.

- And then?

- I got bored, so I nabbed you lot out of hyperspace

to help me explode, at which point

I'll atomize a few dozen solar systems.

- [chuckles] Who else is turned on right now?

Krieger: Always on. others: Not at all.

- Am I to understand

that we broughta giant bomb onto the ship

because you misunderstoodits gestures?

- Yeah, keep working on it, buddy.

- Now, with that out of the way,

would you say "Please detonate"?

- Plea-- [thuds]

- Keep little Miss Death Wishconfined here until we decide

what to do with thatwalking apocalypse.

- So we're just supposed to sithere and twiddle our thumbs?

- I'm sure what you do with your thumbs

is entirely your business.

- [sighs]

- Yeah, just seethe silently. That'll show her.

- Well, you're stuck here, too.

- I'm always stuck here.

- [giggling]

- What?

- I'm just laughing

at how little they respect you.

- [sighs]God, I need a drink.

- It looks like The Artifact

sealed itself up after you left.

- So we're stuck with you, huh?

- Yes. Though I can't trigger myself,

I would like to explode at the earliest opportunity.

- Go right ahead!

If killed, I blow up automatically.

Sort of obvious, when you think about it.

- So you lived your entire lifeon that thing, right?

You've neverexperienced anything?

- I could access all the information in the galaxy.

But I suppose you're right.

I didn't directly experience any of it.

- Aww.You must be horny as shit.

- The sole aim of my being is to explode.

- Been there, buddy.

- We get it.You wanna explode.

But if you experience some stuff, then explode,

you'd get the best of both worlds.

Maybe you won't want to explode at all.

- Unlikely, but intriguing. It is settled.

I shall experience... some stuff!

- Excellent.Laki Station is nearby.

It's a cargo depot,

but it has its shareof diversions.

- I'm just gladI won't have to look

at that thing anymore.

- What is it with you and black holes?

- Ever heard ofspaghettification?

- Oh, yeah, I did that once!

Man, we went everywhere, nothing but sauce and starch.

Nom-nom-nom-nom. [laughs]

I put on 20 pounds.

- Pam, not spaghetti vacation!

I'm talking about the scientific term

for being sucked through a black hole's event horizon

and being stretched into a thin strip of matter,

screaming for eternity because of time dilation.

Spaghettification!

- We called ours "Pastafari."[chuckles]

[eerie music]

- [humming]

Ahh!

What are you doingin my inner sanct--

room where I sit quietlyand do nothing suspicious?

- You come here to dream of electric sheep?

- Don't be a Dick.Androids can't dream.

But we do think real hardabout them.

- And make illegal experimental weapons

using our ship's supplies?

- What?No, that's not--

- Laki Station is notorious

for black market deals.

I may just have a plan.

Stop that! - Oh, sorry.

I was just--electric sheep.

Like, do they plug in?

Mr. Deadly: My word.

I knew the life cycle of a cow,

the atomic structure of sucrose,

but the experience!

- Yeah, well, ice cream is good.

- [moaning] - Not that good.

Unless you've got onethat's foreplay flavored.

- Do they have that? - No.

And let's keep it simple for now.

I hear they have a greenhouse that might

be fun to walk through.

- Good grief,

there's more than this?

- Yay, plants.

So what's the plan here?

Stuff him in a cargo holdand bug out?

- No! Then he just blows up a bunch of other people.

We can make this work.

If we just find something he likes enough to live for.

- Oh, my God, you alwayshave to fix people, don't you?

This is why our marriagedidn't work!

- Really? It wasn't the fact

that you slept with everything on two legs?

- Hm...not always two.

Krieger: This is a disaster.

There's only two people here!

Didn't you pass outthe brochures?

- I did not.

- But the mix tape doesn't makeany sense without--

[gasps]Oh, my God.

- You didn't send the mix tape?

Krieger and Pam: ♪ Sometimes you want to have fun ♪

♪ Have fun

♪ Sometimes you just need a gun, blap-blap ♪

- The arms game is about connections,

not your quasi-musical cry for help.

This is allwindow dressing anyway.

- This is bush league right here.

- Thank you! - Yeah.

Hey, after this, let's hit the dead drop

and then space taco.

- Mm, def.

- Oh, my God!Are you guys spies?

- Oh, my God, yell it out, hello.

- Got it!Do you guys have, like,

an internship or something?I'm very sneaky!

- [skeptically] Mm-hmm. - I see you two have an eye.

Let me show you the latest.

Only for my special customers, you understand.

- Yeah, well, we are pretty special.

- The PlasmoblastChaos Edition!

Hold down the trigger,

and it fires at wildlyunpredictable intervals!

- Why? - Revenge Body Armor!

When hit, it auto-injectsyou with painkillers

and rage-inducingpharmaceuticals!

- Why...

- And finally, my magnum opus.

The personalized, identity-locked

temporary singularity grenade.

- That all sounds...

- So dumb. - Thank you.

- What's dumb about a temporary black hole

that sucks everything into it, then teleports itself

to a random location in the galaxy?

- All of the words that you said

in the order that you said them.

- And we're out.

- If I may step in...

These are onlythe appetizers.

I do in fact have accessto a weapon of great power.

- What, a fart cannon? - Actually, I have one--

- No, something else. A doomsday device.

- The butterfly.

A remarkable illustration

of the capacity of living things...

to change. - Cool.

Hey, is that something you think you might be able to--

What's going on, bud?

- Oh, I'm conversingwith the butterfly

via pheromones.

I just asked it to say,"Please detonate."

- I thought you weren't gonna try to explode!

- That's not...anything I said.

Anyway, it was a hard pass.

Much more foul-mouthedthan I expected.

Same to you,you bastard!

- Well, I guess we're safe.

Until he finds a fruit flywith a death wish.

- So...would you be interested?

- Or, you can shoot plasmabolts at semi-random intervals.

Ka-kow!

Ka-ka-kow!

- I'll take doomsday.

- Ka-kow!

- What do you mean, "No?"

- The accepted oppositeof, "Yes"?

- So we're not sellingMr. Deadly now?

Won't those spies be angry?

- And more importantly,

how does this affect our mix tape?

- Selling him would solve all our problems.

He gets taken somewhere else and gets to explode.

We live.

- Except for the billionsof life forms he kills.

- Well, obviously, but they're kind of

a sunk cost at this point.

- That is not what that means.

- Oh, um...arbitrage?

- We can't be held responsible

for the actions of the people we sell weapons to!

- Why not? - Because we'd have

to stop doing it!

- Look, I think Mr. Deadly

is makingsome real progress.

- The ice cream was good,

and that was a very pretty bug, if rude,

but fulfilling the purpose of my existence

sounds a smidge better.

- But there must be something in the universe you wanna do.

- I've heard good things about whisky.

- Great job, Lana.

Now let's go get this bomb drunk.

Cheryl: Lightweights.

That was only likea half a bottle...

of Quaaludes...

that I dissolvedin their absinthe.

Hmm...

They may die.

Oh! Mr. Deadly!

That's what I was doing.

- I say, that tastes like an old boot on fire

that I like in my mouth!

- I know it's your first time,but you don't have to try

literally every whiskythey have.

- Um, could you say, "Please detonate"?

- Say nothing.Walk away.

- Almost got you. [chuckles]

I'll have these six.

- Not 100% surethis is working.

Let's just go findthose spies and pawn him off.

- One, that's evil.

Two, we don't even know what they look like.

- Well, see that cat dudeand pouch master general?

They look exactly like that.

- Doesn't look like they're here to haggle.

Time to go. - And we're shuffling,

and they're working together, and they're cutting us off,

and they're here. - Nice work, Tav.

- What's up with all the fist bumping?

This is not a weapon!

It is a living being who does not want--

- Who's taking me?You?

You?Ah, we'll figure it out.

Thanks, Lana. It's been...a delay?

But I'd like to explode now.

- Well, all that's left is for you to pay us

and we'll leave this portion of the galaxy--

- Oh-ho-ho. You're not going anywhere.

I have a thing about loose ends.

- Is that why you have so many straps?

Seriously, are you on your way to tie down a blimp?

- Hey! Time to leave.

We tend to frown on

threatening waiters with knives.

- Sir, we're handling this.

- Oh, is that right, Tycho Brahe?

- Astronomy burn!

Come on, did the groundwork for Copernicus.

Had a metal nose. Tycho Brahe.

- Ooh, long way to go for that one.

[struggling] [thumping]

[dramatic music]

- Hey, assholes. If he dies, he explodes!

- Well, you should have led with that!

- Oh, we're so sorry!

- God damn it.

I think they usedyour stick thing!

- It's called a quarterstaff.

- Fine, they usedyour quarterstaff.

You have a gun!

♪

- We can lay low herefor a while.

- Aww, cheer up, dude.

I bet you'll explode before you know it.

- Lana, you have snatched me from my destiny.

- Yeah, she is a huge buzzkill.

- Look, I'm very partially sorry about that.

But we're gonna figure out what to do.

Can you stay here for just a few minutes?

- Oh, great.

I've waited thousands of years

so what's a few minutes?

- That's a yes, right? - Yes.

- So...what do we do?

- Oh! Oh, not this.

Just thought of another name for Spaghetti Vacation.

- If you tell it to me, Pam, I will literally kill you.

Call it a one-way vacation to the void.

- Wait, that's something. - Killing Pam?

I was joking, but if you've got a good reason I would--

- No, these depotsall have a cargo railgun.

They're insanely powerful. - So?

- So we put him in it,

aim it up out of the galactic plane,

and radio the order when he's at a safe distance.

- We'd have to get there without those goons

intercepting us.

- Seems tough. They're very cool.

- They're not that cool.

- Okay, let's ask him.

[crashing] Cheryl: Ha!

Teach you to lock me in a room.

Because I locked youin a room! Ha-ha!

Are you guys getting that?

I can't see if the ironyis landing.

- Why not open the door and check?

Cheryl: I can't, I smashed it.

Okay, bye.

- Okay, bye. We're gonna die.

- If we are, there's something I need you guys to know.

"Ravioliday"!

Worth it.

- [sighs] I am ready.

- Take me!

- You may have some unhealthy associations

with sex and death.

- Duh-hoi.

Uh-huh.

So you know you don'thave any junk, right?

- Well, if you give me a momentI'm sure I can grow one.

- Why don't you make it two.

- That was--

My God!

- Ugh!It's gonna be one of those.

- How can sensations that majestic and world shattering

be contained in such strange dangly skin-bags?

- Did the world shatter for youin the first ten seconds,

the second ten seconds, or huh,no other options!

- Both! Benefit of two, I suppose.

But, oddly, I find a limpid rush of passion in myself,

and I must tell you-- sorry, what was your name?

- [clears throat]There's some debate on that.

- Well, whatever it is, I love you.

- Yes, well...nap.

- Can you at least tell me to detonate?

- God, can you stopyour dumb mouth

from talkingso I can sleep!

- Okay.

Well, I'm gonna destroy you all now.

- As long as it's quiet!Rude!

- What did you just do?

- I don't know. I wasn't listening either.

- Unfortunately, we were,

and there are some thingsyou can't unhear.

- Yeah, like why was it so squelchy?

- Well... - Nope!

Where did he go?

- Who?

- Let's see. let's wind the footage back

to the moment they left the cantina--

- Pff. Cantina?

Barely a saloon.

- Or that.

- Last one to grab himbuys tacos?

Ugh!Set me up the whole way.

Ugh...Respect.

- [gasps]

- [snoring]

[wheezing] - We got to go!

- Give me a minute!

I think I was just dead a little!

- ♪ Sometimes you just need a gun ♪

Damn that's catchy.

- Cheryl got out! And ruined everything.

That second part probably goes without saying.

- How can you be so incompetent?

- Well, seeing as how you let a glue-sniffing

human death wish escape a closed vessel,

maybe we're even!

- Even? Who paid for your first "massage"

when you ran out of cash?

- Not to get in the middle of your Freudian nightmare,

but just get Krieger ready with his weapons,

and meet us outside the ship!

- Way ahead of you.

- Are you?

- Hate to be a pest but could you say,

"Please Detonate?"

- Uh, no thank you. - Ah-ha!

- Fantastic. And now this is happening.

- Let's go!

[exploding] - Ow.

- Nice shooting, Tex, but if you kill him,

nobody gets tacos.

[gun cocking] Oh, hi guys.

- Oh, hi. They're from the ship.

- Yep.We are here to stop you.

- Is that a kimono?

- These are experimental prototypes.

- I call gun! Big gun, here.

- That leaves Pam the temporary--

- Don't need it, dick-nuts.

My body is a weapon. - Speaking of which.

- The temporary singularity grenade?

- Why would you make that?

Why not just give usan ancient horn that summons

Cthulhu's older,shittier step-brother?

- Well, it imprinted on younow, so no one else can use it.

- Seems likea needless precaution.

So where do you think they are? [lasers zapping]

- I find it's good practiceto follow the sound of gunfire.

- That hadn't happened yet!

- Oh, suppressing fire!

Ah, ah, ah!

- Yelling "suppressing fire" kind of defeats the point.

We're supposed to think you're aiming at us.

- You know what, actually,I'm saying it to my teammates,

so they know.

- [yowls]

- Ah-ah-ah!

- Admit you underestimated me.

- Get off my head, you bitch!

- They're actually doing okay.

I might have a tiny bitmore respect for them.

Don't ever tell them I said that.

- There is so muchso deeply wrong with you.

- [chuckles] And you married me.

Doesn't reflect great on you.

- Aww, can I keep him?

- How long before they notice--

"We're-we're gone," is what I was gonna say.

[groans]

- So what's all this then?

- Cargo railgun,we shoot you,

transmit signal, boom.

- Oh, finally. - Wait, where's Pam?

[dramatic music]

- The invisible fist.

That could be my code name.

So what do you say,I'm your scrappy apprentice,

and you're mygruff-but-loveable--

Ahhh! Ow!

- I'll think about it. [cackles]

- [groaning] Oh, that is good pouchwork.

♪

- Get in there. We'll send the "please det--"

- Archer, come on.

- Whoops, that would have been hilarious.

We'll send you the message

once you're out of the galactic plane.

- Ahh! Jesus, Archer.

You ever look before you shoot?

- Sometimes.

- [yowls]

- Don't hit Mr. Deadly!

- Yeah, aiming at you guys.

- Thanks for beingso conscientious.

- [yelling]

- [slow-motion groaning]

[dramatic music]

♪

- [slow-motion yelling]

♪

- You saved me.

You overcame your simple biological impulse to live.

- Just tryingto do what's right.

[roars]

- Jesus Christ, lady!

- Don't call me lady!

- Well, have a nice death.

- Just give me the receiver so you can transmit the order.

- The what? - It's a cargo container.

Do you want me to bring along string and a can?

- Goddamn it.

Oh, so now you'rea gesture expert.

- [yelling]

- Whoa, smells like stir-Friday in here.

- Why did you do that?

I need to feel their blood on my--ah.

Ohh, this is the best I've ever felt.

- Yeah, you're probably gonnawant to check into rehab.

Like immediately.You forgot this.

I came as quick as I could.You know, after they died.

- You are a paragon of bravery.

All right, let's shoot you into space.

- One moment. - Oh, come on!

- Lana's act of selflessness inspired me.

She was willing to give her life for others,

and that gives me the courage to change.

I choose life.

- I guess this means no tacos.

- [scoffs] Is that supposedto be a joke?

- I didn't mean to make it weird. [pained grunt]

- How's this for weird?

Please detonate.

- No! - Don't detonate!

[tense music]

- I think my change of heart may have diffused me.

Only now do I see that

when one's purpose is evil, achieving that--

[eerie howling]

[all scream]

- Archer, you've gotto use this.

- I don't want to be eternal spaghetti, Lana.

- For once, think of anyoneother than yourself.

- Aghh! Fine!

[beeping]

[intense whooshing]

♪

[all yelling]

[relieved sighs]

- I'm alive! Archer: We're alive!

Ray: Close one, right guys?

- Yeah, great.

I think I twisted my ankle. Thanks, Lana.

- So where exactly did they go?

- It's semi-random,

but I could try to back-calculate it--

- I'd kind of preferto not know

if we wiped outseveral thriving

and culturally complexcivilizations.

- Yeah, I mean, me too. - All right.

[explosion]

- We don't know that was us.

- Made in Georgia.

[shrieks] Rocket pack!

You know how much fuel you just wasted?

I don'’t know. How much paint did Michelangelo waste on the Sistine Chapel?

ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.

All new, Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.