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[screaming]
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00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:04,265
ANNOUNCER: FXX presents
Archer 1999.
3
00:00:07,311 --> 00:00:09,313
[dramatic music]
4
00:00:09,357 --> 00:00:12,360
Cyril: Now that
doesn't look right.
5
00:00:12,403 --> 00:00:14,057
- Why am I lookingat a black hole?
6
00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:15,624
You know I hate those.
7
00:00:15,667 --> 00:00:17,582
- Yeah, we're nowhere near
where we're supposed to be.
8
00:00:17,626 --> 00:00:19,889
- Well, maybe we should find
the navigator
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00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:21,064
and throw something at him.
10
00:00:21,108 --> 00:00:22,848
- Wait, I'm the--hey!
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00:00:22,892 --> 00:00:24,285
- Seriously?
12
00:00:24,328 --> 00:00:25,677
- Sorry, I didn't
have anything heavier.
13
00:00:25,721 --> 00:00:27,810
- Also there's that.
14
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:33,207
- That is the most evil thing
I've ever seen.
15
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- This isn't my fault.
16
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I didn't enterthese coordinates.
17
00:00:36,297 --> 00:00:40,083
That thing summoned usout of hyperspace.
18
00:00:41,258 --> 00:00:45,132
- Well, don't just stand theregawping like stunned space elk.
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Go see if there's anythingworth salvaging.
20
00:00:47,264 --> 00:00:49,049
- You want us
to walk into a thing
21
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that might as well have
22
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"imminent death"
written on the side?
23
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,054
- Well...
24
00:00:54,097 --> 00:00:55,664
Since we're here.
25
00:00:57,231 --> 00:00:59,102
- Yep, and nothing terrible
26
00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:01,278
ever happens
in a place like this.
27
00:01:01,322 --> 00:01:02,714
- Hmm, I'm not finding much.
28
00:01:02,758 --> 00:01:05,587
Just a bunch of hallways
that meet up over there.
29
00:01:05,630 --> 00:01:08,938
Ooh, I'm picking up large
amounts of organic compounds!
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Aww, but no moisture,
31
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which only makes sense
if it's--
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- A giant field of old,
dead aliens?
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- Or an army of space mummies.
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- Uh, look up circuit-dick.
35
00:01:19,253 --> 00:01:22,212
- Oh, well,
technically I'm correct
36
00:01:22,256 --> 00:01:25,694
if they stand up...now!
37
00:01:25,737 --> 00:01:27,130
Right now.
38
00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:28,523
- Instead of trying
to raise the dead,
39
00:01:28,566 --> 00:01:30,177
why don't we just
find something shiny
40
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and get the heck out of here?
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Cyril, find anything?
42
00:01:33,528 --> 00:01:36,748
- Well, it looks likethere are two kinds of aliens.
43
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Heavily armored and seems likethey've been here for eons.
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[coughing]
Ah!
45
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Dead--[coughs]--alien--
[coughs]--in--[coughs]--
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my--[coughs]--lungs.
47
00:01:48,978 --> 00:01:51,328
- Whoa-ho!
Cool!
48
00:01:54,549 --> 00:01:57,029
Malory: We've decoded
the writing on the outside
49
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and it seemed...relevant.
50
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- Relevant how?
51
00:02:00,555 --> 00:02:02,383
Malory: Well, as far
as we can tell,
52
00:02:02,426 --> 00:02:04,036
it's one phrase translated
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00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:06,213
into a dozen
ancient languages.
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"Beware. End of life."
"Beware. End of life."
55
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Any-hoo...
56
00:02:12,001 --> 00:02:13,829
- Now I kind of wishwe'd worn helmets.
57
00:02:13,872 --> 00:02:15,439
- Time to go.
Cyril, Pam.
58
00:02:15,483 --> 00:02:17,528
- [coughing]
- Ha-ha!
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00:02:17,572 --> 00:02:20,966
Bring me the biggest goose
in all of London!
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00:02:21,010 --> 00:02:24,318
[mechanical whirring]
61
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- [English accent]
Well, hello.
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I'm Mr. Deadly,
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and I'm coming with you.
64
00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,369
- And if we don't take you?
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[suspenseful music]
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♪
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- Written right on the side.
68
00:02:40,421 --> 00:02:43,337
[main title theme]
69
00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:50,387
♪
70
00:03:18,850 --> 00:03:21,810
[dramatic music]
71
00:03:21,853 --> 00:03:24,247
♪
72
00:03:24,291 --> 00:03:26,293
- Could you say that
one more time?
73
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- Bring me the biggest goo--
- Not you!
74
00:03:28,556 --> 00:03:30,253
- I'm a sentient
doomsday device
75
00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:33,474
created by an extinct
alien race but never used.
76
00:03:33,517 --> 00:03:36,738
- Wait, never used?What about all those bodies?
77
00:03:36,781 --> 00:03:40,263
[lasers zapping]
78
00:03:41,482 --> 00:03:43,484
- [roaring]
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- [pained groaning]
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00:03:46,095 --> 00:03:49,316
- Well, hello.I'm Mr. Deadly.
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[sighs]
Typical.
82
00:03:51,579 --> 00:03:54,538
I didn't kill them.
They died fighting over me.
83
00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:56,061
- But you gestured
threateningly.
84
00:03:56,105 --> 00:03:57,846
- I've been alone
for thousands of years,
85
00:03:57,889 --> 00:04:02,198
so my nonverbal communication
skills are a bit rusty.
86
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,244
- So wait, are youa weapon or not?
87
00:04:04,287 --> 00:04:06,246
- As I said, doomsday device.
88
00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:08,639
Designed by a race
to whom mutual destruction
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00:04:08,683 --> 00:04:10,380
was preferable to defeat.
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00:04:10,424 --> 00:04:13,122
I was hidden away
on the edge of space,
91
00:04:13,165 --> 00:04:17,082
but the war I was created
to end in fiery apotheosis
92
00:04:17,126 --> 00:04:18,432
concluded without me.
93
00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:22,305
So there I remained,
my only companions
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00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:25,656
the velvety dark
and solitude itself.
95
00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:28,093
- And then?
96
00:04:28,137 --> 00:04:31,358
- I got bored, so I nabbed you
lot out of hyperspace
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00:04:31,401 --> 00:04:33,360
to help me explode,
at which point
98
00:04:33,403 --> 00:04:36,363
I'll atomize a few dozen
solar systems.
99
00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:38,582
- [chuckles] Who else
is turned on right now?
100
00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:39,540
Krieger: Always on.
others: Not at all.
101
00:04:39,583 --> 00:04:41,455
- Am I to understand
102
00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:44,414
that we broughta giant bomb onto the ship
103
00:04:44,458 --> 00:04:47,548
because you misunderstoodits gestures?
104
00:04:48,636 --> 00:04:50,290
- Yeah, keep
working on it, buddy.
105
00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:52,335
- Now, with that out
of the way,
106
00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:55,295
would you say
"Please detonate"?
107
00:04:56,905 --> 00:04:58,515
- Plea--
[thuds]
108
00:04:59,951 --> 00:05:03,346
- Keep little Miss Death Wishconfined here until we decide
109
00:05:03,390 --> 00:05:05,435
what to do with thatwalking apocalypse.
110
00:05:05,479 --> 00:05:08,699
- So we're just supposed to sithere and twiddle our thumbs?
111
00:05:08,743 --> 00:05:10,701
- I'm sure what you do
with your thumbs
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00:05:10,745 --> 00:05:12,877
is entirely your business.
113
00:05:12,921 --> 00:05:14,575
- [sighs]
114
00:05:14,618 --> 00:05:16,968
- Yeah, just seethe silently.
That'll show her.
115
00:05:17,012 --> 00:05:18,361
- Well, you're stuck here, too.
116
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:19,710
- I'm always stuck here.
117
00:05:19,754 --> 00:05:21,408
- [giggling]
118
00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:22,147
- What?
119
00:05:22,191 --> 00:05:23,453
- I'm just laughing
120
00:05:23,497 --> 00:05:25,368
at how little they respect you.
121
00:05:25,412 --> 00:05:28,110
- [sighs]God, I need a drink.
122
00:05:28,153 --> 00:05:29,938
- It looks like The Artifact
123
00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:32,157
sealed itself up
after you left.
124
00:05:32,201 --> 00:05:33,594
- So we're stuck with you, huh?
125
00:05:33,637 --> 00:05:36,161
- Yes.
Though I can't trigger myself,
126
00:05:36,205 --> 00:05:39,513
I would like to explode
at the earliest opportunity.
127
00:05:40,905 --> 00:05:42,167
- Go right ahead!
128
00:05:42,211 --> 00:05:44,169
If killed,
I blow up automatically.
129
00:05:44,213 --> 00:05:46,563
Sort of obvious,
when you think about it.
130
00:05:46,607 --> 00:05:50,175
- So you lived your entire lifeon that thing, right?
131
00:05:50,219 --> 00:05:52,264
You've neverexperienced anything?
132
00:05:52,308 --> 00:05:55,180
- I could access all
the information in the galaxy.
133
00:05:55,224 --> 00:05:56,660
But I suppose you're right.
134
00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:58,575
I didn't directly experience
any of it.
135
00:05:58,619 --> 00:06:01,230
- Aww.You must be horny as shit.
136
00:06:01,273 --> 00:06:03,972
- The sole aim of my being
is to explode.
137
00:06:04,015 --> 00:06:05,190
- Been there, buddy.
138
00:06:05,234 --> 00:06:07,192
- We get it.You wanna explode.
139
00:06:07,236 --> 00:06:09,760
But if you experience some
stuff, then explode,
140
00:06:09,804 --> 00:06:11,196
you'd get the best
of both worlds.
141
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,634
Maybe you won't want
to explode at all.
142
00:06:13,677 --> 00:06:16,593
- Unlikely, but intriguing.
It is settled.
143
00:06:16,637 --> 00:06:19,596
I shall experience...
some stuff!
144
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:22,556
- Excellent.Laki Station is nearby.
145
00:06:22,599 --> 00:06:23,992
It's a cargo depot,
146
00:06:24,035 --> 00:06:26,386
but it has its shareof diversions.
147
00:06:26,429 --> 00:06:27,691
- I'm just gladI won't have to look
148
00:06:27,735 --> 00:06:29,040
at that thing anymore.
149
00:06:29,084 --> 00:06:30,781
- What is it with you
and black holes?
150
00:06:30,825 --> 00:06:32,479
- Ever heard ofspaghettification?
151
00:06:32,522 --> 00:06:34,219
- Oh, yeah, I did that once!
152
00:06:34,263 --> 00:06:37,658
Man, we went everywhere,
nothing but sauce and starch.
153
00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:38,746
Nom-nom-nom-nom.
[laughs]
154
00:06:38,789 --> 00:06:40,225
I put on 20 pounds.
155
00:06:40,269 --> 00:06:42,271
- Pam, not spaghetti vacation!
156
00:06:42,314 --> 00:06:44,229
I'm talking about
the scientific term
157
00:06:44,273 --> 00:06:46,449
for being sucked through
a black hole's event horizon
158
00:06:46,493 --> 00:06:48,930
and being stretched into
a thin strip of matter,
159
00:06:48,973 --> 00:06:51,759
screaming for eternity
because of time dilation.
160
00:06:51,802 --> 00:06:54,152
Spaghettification!
161
00:06:54,196 --> 00:06:56,938
- We called ours "Pastafari."[chuckles]
162
00:06:56,981 --> 00:07:00,289
[eerie music]
163
00:07:01,290 --> 00:07:03,248
- [humming]
164
00:07:03,292 --> 00:07:04,249
Ahh!
165
00:07:04,293 --> 00:07:05,729
What are you doingin my inner sanct--
166
00:07:05,773 --> 00:07:08,950
room where I sit quietlyand do nothing suspicious?
167
00:07:08,993 --> 00:07:11,474
- You come here to dream
of electric sheep?
168
00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:13,824
- Don't be a Dick.Androids can't dream.
169
00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:15,609
But we do think real hardabout them.
170
00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:17,828
- And make illegal
experimental weapons
171
00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:19,787
using our ship's supplies?
172
00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:21,528
- What?No, that's not--
173
00:07:21,571 --> 00:07:22,964
- Laki Station is notorious
174
00:07:23,007 --> 00:07:24,792
for black market deals.
175
00:07:24,835 --> 00:07:26,576
I may just have a plan.
176
00:07:26,620 --> 00:07:28,491
Stop that!
- Oh, sorry.
177
00:07:28,535 --> 00:07:30,841
I was just--electric sheep.
178
00:07:30,885 --> 00:07:33,017
Like, do they plug in?
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00:07:33,061 --> 00:07:34,802
Mr. Deadly: My word.
180
00:07:34,845 --> 00:07:36,847
I knew the life cycle
of a cow,
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00:07:36,891 --> 00:07:39,284
the atomic structure
of sucrose,
182
00:07:39,328 --> 00:07:40,590
but the experience!
183
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:42,636
- Yeah, well,
ice cream is good.
184
00:07:42,679 --> 00:07:44,551
- [moaning]
- Not that good.
185
00:07:44,594 --> 00:07:46,509
Unless you've got onethat's foreplay flavored.
186
00:07:46,553 --> 00:07:48,555
- Do they have that?
- No.
187
00:07:48,598 --> 00:07:49,904
And let's keep it simple
for now.
188
00:07:49,947 --> 00:07:51,383
I hear they have
a greenhouse that might
189
00:07:51,427 --> 00:07:52,428
be fun to walk through.
190
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:53,516
- Good grief,
191
00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:54,735
there's more than this?
192
00:07:54,778 --> 00:07:55,910
- Yay, plants.
193
00:07:55,953 --> 00:07:57,259
So what's the plan here?
194
00:07:57,302 --> 00:07:59,043
Stuff him in a cargo holdand bug out?
195
00:07:59,087 --> 00:08:01,655
- No! Then he just blows up
a bunch of other people.
196
00:08:01,698 --> 00:08:03,352
We can make this work.
197
00:08:03,395 --> 00:08:05,354
If we just find something
he likes enough to live for.
198
00:08:05,397 --> 00:08:07,878
- Oh, my God, you alwayshave to fix people, don't you?
199
00:08:07,922 --> 00:08:09,706
This is why our marriagedidn't work!
200
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:11,142
- Really?
It wasn't the fact
201
00:08:11,186 --> 00:08:13,493
that you slept with everything
on two legs?
202
00:08:13,536 --> 00:08:15,233
- Hm...not always two.
203
00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:18,802
Krieger: This is a disaster.
204
00:08:18,846 --> 00:08:19,977
There's only two people here!
205
00:08:20,021 --> 00:08:21,805
Didn't you pass outthe brochures?
206
00:08:21,849 --> 00:08:23,111
- I did not.
207
00:08:23,154 --> 00:08:24,765
- But the mix tape doesn't makeany sense without--
208
00:08:24,808 --> 00:08:26,593
[gasps]Oh, my God.
209
00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:28,682
- You didn't send
the mix tape?
210
00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:30,379
Krieger and Pam: ♪ Sometimes
you want to have fun ♪
211
00:08:30,422 --> 00:08:31,902
♪ Have fun
212
00:08:31,946 --> 00:08:34,688
♪ Sometimes you just
need a gun, blap-blap ♪
213
00:08:34,731 --> 00:08:36,820
- The arms game
is about connections,
214
00:08:36,864 --> 00:08:39,910
not your quasi-musical
cry for help.
215
00:08:39,954 --> 00:08:42,783
This is allwindow dressing anyway.
216
00:08:42,826 --> 00:08:44,785
- This is bush league
right here.
217
00:08:44,828 --> 00:08:46,264
- Thank you!
- Yeah.
218
00:08:46,308 --> 00:08:48,528
Hey, after this,
let's hit the dead drop
219
00:08:48,571 --> 00:08:49,572
and then space taco.
220
00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:50,704
- Mm, def.
221
00:08:50,747 --> 00:08:52,793
- Oh, my God!Are you guys spies?
222
00:08:52,836 --> 00:08:54,142
- Oh, my God,
yell it out, hello.
223
00:08:54,185 --> 00:08:55,709
- Got it!Do you guys have, like,
224
00:08:55,752 --> 00:08:58,494
an internship or something?I'm very sneaky!
225
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,975
- [skeptically] Mm-hmm.
- I see you two have an eye.
226
00:09:01,018 --> 00:09:02,629
Let me show you
the latest.
227
00:09:02,672 --> 00:09:05,196
Only for my special
customers, you understand.
228
00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:07,938
- Yeah, well,
we are pretty special.
229
00:09:07,982 --> 00:09:10,593
- The PlasmoblastChaos Edition!
230
00:09:10,637 --> 00:09:11,855
Hold down the trigger,
231
00:09:11,899 --> 00:09:14,771
and it fires at wildlyunpredictable intervals!
232
00:09:14,815 --> 00:09:16,947
- Why?
- Revenge Body Armor!
233
00:09:16,991 --> 00:09:19,907
When hit, it auto-injectsyou with painkillers
234
00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:21,996
and rage-inducingpharmaceuticals!
235
00:09:22,039 --> 00:09:22,997
- Why...
236
00:09:23,040 --> 00:09:26,609
- And finally, my magnum opus.
237
00:09:26,653 --> 00:09:28,655
The personalized,
identity-locked
238
00:09:28,698 --> 00:09:30,831
temporary
singularity grenade.
239
00:09:30,874 --> 00:09:31,701
- That all sounds...
240
00:09:31,745 --> 00:09:33,224
- So dumb.
- Thank you.
241
00:09:33,268 --> 00:09:35,096
- What's dumb about
a temporary black hole
242
00:09:35,139 --> 00:09:37,620
that sucks everything into it,
then teleports itself
243
00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:39,143
to a random location
in the galaxy?
244
00:09:39,187 --> 00:09:40,623
- All of the words
that you said
245
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:41,842
in the order
that you said them.
246
00:09:41,885 --> 00:09:42,712
- And we're out.
247
00:09:42,756 --> 00:09:44,453
- If I may step in...
248
00:09:44,496 --> 00:09:46,020
These are onlythe appetizers.
249
00:09:46,063 --> 00:09:49,197
I do in fact have accessto a weapon of great power.
250
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:51,591
- What, a fart cannon?
- Actually, I have one--
251
00:09:51,634 --> 00:09:55,682
- No, something else.
A doomsday device.
252
00:09:55,725 --> 00:09:56,900
- The butterfly.
253
00:09:56,944 --> 00:09:58,772
A remarkable illustration
254
00:09:58,815 --> 00:10:01,688
of the capacity
of living things...
255
00:10:01,731 --> 00:10:03,428
to change.
- Cool.
256
00:10:03,472 --> 00:10:05,430
Hey, is that something you
think you might be able to--
257
00:10:05,474 --> 00:10:06,823
What's going on, bud?
258
00:10:06,867 --> 00:10:09,217
- Oh, I'm conversingwith the butterfly
259
00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:10,610
via pheromones.
260
00:10:10,653 --> 00:10:12,655
I just asked it to say,"Please detonate."
261
00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,875
- I thought you weren't
gonna try to explode!
262
00:10:14,918 --> 00:10:16,659
- That's not...anything I said.
263
00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:18,574
Anyway, it was a hard pass.
264
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:21,446
Much more foul-mouthedthan I expected.
265
00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:24,362
Same to you,you bastard!
266
00:10:24,406 --> 00:10:25,886
- Well, I guess we're safe.
267
00:10:25,929 --> 00:10:28,453
Until he finds a fruit flywith a death wish.
268
00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:31,631
- So...would you be interested?
269
00:10:31,674 --> 00:10:35,199
- Or, you can shoot plasmabolts at semi-random intervals.
270
00:10:35,243 --> 00:10:36,505
Ka-kow!
271
00:10:36,548 --> 00:10:38,463
Ka-ka-kow!
272
00:10:38,507 --> 00:10:40,465
- I'll take doomsday.
273
00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:41,858
- Ka-kow!
274
00:10:45,209 --> 00:10:46,341
- What do you mean, "No?"
275
00:10:46,384 --> 00:10:48,386
- The accepted oppositeof, "Yes"?
276
00:10:48,430 --> 00:10:50,388
- So we're not sellingMr. Deadly now?
277
00:10:50,432 --> 00:10:51,694
Won't those spies be angry?
278
00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:52,782
- And more importantly,
279
00:10:52,826 --> 00:10:54,741
how does this
affect our mix tape?
280
00:10:54,784 --> 00:10:56,481
- Selling him would solve
all our problems.
281
00:10:56,525 --> 00:10:58,745
He gets taken somewhere else
and gets to explode.
282
00:10:58,788 --> 00:10:59,789
We live.
283
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,573
- Except for the billionsof life forms he kills.
284
00:11:01,617 --> 00:11:03,271
- Well, obviously,
but they're kind of
285
00:11:03,314 --> 00:11:04,533
a sunk cost at this point.
286
00:11:04,576 --> 00:11:05,969
- That is not what that means.
287
00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:07,492
- Oh, um...arbitrage?
288
00:11:07,536 --> 00:11:09,059
- We can't be held responsible
289
00:11:09,103 --> 00:11:11,714
for the actions of the people
we sell weapons to!
290
00:11:11,758 --> 00:11:12,976
- Why not?
- Because we'd have
291
00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:14,064
to stop doing it!
292
00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:15,283
- Look, I think Mr. Deadly
293
00:11:15,326 --> 00:11:17,720
is makingsome real progress.
294
00:11:19,330 --> 00:11:20,897
- The ice cream was good,
295
00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:22,769
and that was
a very pretty bug, if rude,
296
00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:25,467
but fulfilling the purpose
of my existence
297
00:11:25,510 --> 00:11:27,077
sounds a smidge better.
298
00:11:27,121 --> 00:11:30,080
- But there must be something
in the universe you wanna do.
299
00:11:30,124 --> 00:11:32,474
- I've heard good things
about whisky.
300
00:11:32,517 --> 00:11:33,736
- Great job, Lana.
301
00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:35,695
Now let's go get
this bomb drunk.
302
00:11:35,738 --> 00:11:36,913
Cheryl: Lightweights.
303
00:11:36,957 --> 00:11:40,090
That was only likea half a bottle...
304
00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:41,657
of Quaaludes...
305
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,790
that I dissolvedin their absinthe.
306
00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:44,878
Hmm...
307
00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:46,227
They may die.
308
00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:48,490
Oh!
Mr. Deadly!
309
00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:50,144
That's what I was doing.
310
00:11:51,145 --> 00:11:54,278
- I say, that tastes like
an old boot on fire
311
00:11:54,322 --> 00:11:55,976
that I like in my mouth!
312
00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:58,413
- I know it's your first time,but you don't have to try
313
00:11:58,456 --> 00:12:00,154
literally every whiskythey have.
314
00:12:00,197 --> 00:12:03,287
- Um, could you say,
"Please detonate"?
315
00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:05,855
- Say nothing.Walk away.
316
00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:08,205
- Almost got you.
[chuckles]
317
00:12:08,249 --> 00:12:09,772
I'll have these six.
318
00:12:09,816 --> 00:12:11,731
- Not 100% surethis is working.
319
00:12:11,774 --> 00:12:13,863
Let's just go findthose spies and pawn him off.
320
00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:15,125
- One, that's evil.
321
00:12:15,169 --> 00:12:17,301
Two, we don't even know
what they look like.
322
00:12:17,345 --> 00:12:20,130
- Well, see that cat dudeand pouch master general?
323
00:12:20,174 --> 00:12:21,828
They look exactly like that.
324
00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:24,134
- Doesn't look like they're
here to haggle.
325
00:12:24,178 --> 00:12:26,006
Time to go.
- And we're shuffling,
326
00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:27,790
and they're working together,
and they're cutting us off,
327
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:30,401
and they're here.
- Nice work, Tav.
328
00:12:30,445 --> 00:12:31,925
- What's up with all
the fist bumping?
329
00:12:31,968 --> 00:12:33,361
This is not a weapon!
330
00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:35,842
It is a living being
who does not want--
331
00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:37,365
- Who's taking me?You?
332
00:12:37,408 --> 00:12:39,149
You?Ah, we'll figure it out.
333
00:12:39,193 --> 00:12:41,978
Thanks, Lana.
It's been...a delay?
334
00:12:42,022 --> 00:12:43,588
But I'd like to explode now.
335
00:12:43,632 --> 00:12:45,590
- Well, all that's left
is for you to pay us
336
00:12:45,634 --> 00:12:47,549
and we'll leave
this portion of the galaxy--
337
00:12:47,592 --> 00:12:49,943
- Oh-ho-ho.
You're not going anywhere.
338
00:12:49,986 --> 00:12:51,814
I have a thing
about loose ends.
339
00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:53,860
- Is that why you have
so many straps?
340
00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:56,427
Seriously, are you on your way
to tie down a blimp?
341
00:12:56,471 --> 00:12:57,820
- Hey!
Time to leave.
342
00:12:57,864 --> 00:12:59,082
We tend to frown on
343
00:12:59,126 --> 00:13:00,344
threatening
waiters with knives.
344
00:13:00,388 --> 00:13:02,259
- Sir, we're handling this.
345
00:13:02,303 --> 00:13:04,392
- Oh, is that right,
Tycho Brahe?
346
00:13:04,435 --> 00:13:06,611
- Astronomy burn!
347
00:13:06,655 --> 00:13:08,788
Come on, did the groundwork
for Copernicus.
348
00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:11,181
Had a metal nose.
Tycho Brahe.
349
00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:13,140
- Ooh, long way to go
for that one.
350
00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:16,056
[struggling]
[thumping]
351
00:13:16,099 --> 00:13:17,797
[dramatic music]
352
00:13:20,408 --> 00:13:24,151
- Hey, assholes.
If he dies, he explodes!
353
00:13:24,194 --> 00:13:26,022
- Well, you should have
led with that!
354
00:13:26,066 --> 00:13:28,242
- Oh, we're so sorry!
355
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,419
- God damn it.
356
00:13:31,462 --> 00:13:32,637
I think they usedyour stick thing!
357
00:13:32,681 --> 00:13:34,335
- It's called a quarterstaff.
358
00:13:34,378 --> 00:13:36,859
- Fine, they usedyour quarterstaff.
359
00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:38,687
You have a gun!
360
00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:40,210
♪
361
00:13:40,254 --> 00:13:42,996
- We can lay low herefor a while.
362
00:13:43,039 --> 00:13:44,258
- Aww, cheer up, dude.
363
00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:46,260
I bet you'll explode
before you know it.
364
00:13:46,303 --> 00:13:49,002
- Lana, you have snatched me
from my destiny.
365
00:13:49,045 --> 00:13:50,699
- Yeah, she is a huge buzzkill.
366
00:13:50,742 --> 00:13:52,657
- Look, I'm very partially
sorry about that.
367
00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:54,529
But we're gonna figure out
what to do.
368
00:13:54,572 --> 00:13:56,879
Can you stay here
for just a few minutes?
369
00:13:56,923 --> 00:13:58,054
- Oh, great.
370
00:13:58,098 --> 00:13:59,186
I've waited thousands of years
371
00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:01,057
so what's a few minutes?
372
00:14:01,101 --> 00:14:04,104
- That's a yes, right?
- Yes.
373
00:14:04,147 --> 00:14:06,454
- So...what do we do?
374
00:14:06,497 --> 00:14:09,196
- Oh!
Oh, not this.
375
00:14:09,239 --> 00:14:11,633
Just thought of another name
for Spaghetti Vacation.
376
00:14:11,676 --> 00:14:14,418
- If you tell it to me, Pam,
I will literally kill you.
377
00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:16,856
Call it a one-way vacation
to the void.
378
00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:18,553
- Wait, that's something.
- Killing Pam?
379
00:14:18,596 --> 00:14:20,990
I was joking, but if you've
got a good reason I would--
380
00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:23,036
- No, these depotsall have a cargo railgun.
381
00:14:23,079 --> 00:14:25,038
They're insanely powerful.
- So?
382
00:14:25,081 --> 00:14:26,474
- So we put him in it,
383
00:14:26,517 --> 00:14:28,215
aim it up out of
the galactic plane,
384
00:14:28,258 --> 00:14:30,478
and radio the order
when he's at a safe distance.
385
00:14:30,521 --> 00:14:32,175
- We'd have to get there
without those goons
386
00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:33,263
intercepting us.
387
00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:35,700
- Seems tough.
They're very cool.
388
00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:36,919
- They're not that cool.
389
00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:38,051
- Okay, let's ask him.
390
00:14:38,094 --> 00:14:39,530
[crashing]
Cheryl: Ha!
391
00:14:39,574 --> 00:14:41,663
Teach you to lock me
in a room.
392
00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:45,058
Because I locked youin a room! Ha-ha!
393
00:14:45,101 --> 00:14:46,320
Are you guys getting that?
394
00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:48,539
I can't see if the ironyis landing.
395
00:14:48,583 --> 00:14:50,498
- Why not open the door
and check?
396
00:14:50,541 --> 00:14:52,761
Cheryl:
I can't, I smashed it.
397
00:14:52,804 --> 00:14:54,154
Okay, bye.
398
00:14:54,197 --> 00:14:55,546
- Okay, bye.
We're gonna die.
399
00:14:55,590 --> 00:14:58,158
- If we are, there's something
I need you guys to know.
400
00:14:58,201 --> 00:15:00,508
"Ravioliday"!
401
00:15:01,988 --> 00:15:03,119
Worth it.
402
00:15:04,164 --> 00:15:06,166
- [sighs]
I am ready.
403
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:07,471
- Take me!
404
00:15:07,515 --> 00:15:10,083
- You may have some
unhealthy associations
405
00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:11,954
with sex and death.
406
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:13,651
- Duh-hoi.
407
00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:17,133
Uh-huh.
408
00:15:17,177 --> 00:15:19,962
So you know you don'thave any junk, right?
409
00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:22,965
- Well, if you give me a momentI'm sure I can grow one.
410
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:24,749
- Why don't you make it two.
411
00:15:29,232 --> 00:15:30,190
- That was--
412
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:31,365
My God!
413
00:15:31,408 --> 00:15:33,280
- Ugh!It's gonna be one of those.
414
00:15:33,323 --> 00:15:36,587
- How can sensations that
majestic and world shattering
415
00:15:36,631 --> 00:15:39,982
be contained in such strange
dangly skin-bags?
416
00:15:40,026 --> 00:15:42,550
- Did the world shatter for youin the first ten seconds,
417
00:15:42,593 --> 00:15:45,422
the second ten seconds, or huh,no other options!
418
00:15:45,466 --> 00:15:47,381
- Both!
Benefit of two, I suppose.
419
00:15:47,424 --> 00:15:50,950
But, oddly, I find a limpid
rush of passion in myself,
420
00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:53,735
and I must tell you--
sorry, what was your name?
421
00:15:53,778 --> 00:15:55,345
- [clears throat]There's some debate on that.
422
00:15:55,389 --> 00:15:57,826
- Well, whatever it is,
I love you.
423
00:15:57,869 --> 00:15:59,523
- Yes, well...nap.
424
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:02,222
- Can you at least tell me
to detonate?
425
00:16:02,265 --> 00:16:03,788
- God, can you stopyour dumb mouth
426
00:16:03,832 --> 00:16:05,225
from talkingso I can sleep!
427
00:16:05,268 --> 00:16:06,226
- Okay.
428
00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:08,141
Well, I'm gonna destroy you
all now.
429
00:16:08,184 --> 00:16:11,231
- As long as it's quiet!Rude!
430
00:16:11,274 --> 00:16:13,015
- What did you just do?
431
00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:15,583
- I don't know.
I wasn't listening either.
432
00:16:15,626 --> 00:16:17,150
- Unfortunately, we were,
433
00:16:17,193 --> 00:16:19,326
and there are some thingsyou can't unhear.
434
00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:21,719
- Yeah, like why was it
so squelchy?
435
00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:23,025
- Well...
- Nope!
436
00:16:23,069 --> 00:16:24,244
Where did he go?
437
00:16:24,287 --> 00:16:25,549
- Who?
438
00:16:25,593 --> 00:16:27,290
- Let's see.
let's wind the footage back
439
00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:29,292
to the moment
they left the cantina--
440
00:16:29,336 --> 00:16:30,554
- Pff.
Cantina?
441
00:16:30,598 --> 00:16:32,034
Barely a saloon.
442
00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:34,036
- Or that.
443
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:35,864
- Last one to grab himbuys tacos?
444
00:16:35,907 --> 00:16:38,388
Ugh!Set me up the whole way.
445
00:16:38,432 --> 00:16:40,173
Ugh...Respect.
446
00:16:40,216 --> 00:16:41,565
- [gasps]
447
00:16:41,609 --> 00:16:43,045
- [snoring]
448
00:16:43,089 --> 00:16:45,265
[wheezing]
- We got to go!
449
00:16:45,308 --> 00:16:46,396
- Give me a minute!
450
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:48,398
I think I was
just dead a little!
451
00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:51,401
- ♪ Sometimes
you just need a gun ♪
452
00:16:51,445 --> 00:16:53,099
Damn that's catchy.
453
00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:54,839
- Cheryl got out!
And ruined everything.
454
00:16:54,883 --> 00:16:57,277
That second part
probably goes without saying.
455
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,279
- How can you be
so incompetent?
456
00:16:59,322 --> 00:17:01,411
- Well, seeing as how you let
a glue-sniffing
457
00:17:01,455 --> 00:17:03,413
human death wish
escape a closed vessel,
458
00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,024
maybe we're even!
459
00:17:05,067 --> 00:17:07,287
- Even? Who paid for
your first "massage"
460
00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:09,289
when you ran out of cash?
461
00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:11,421
- Not to get in the middle
of your Freudian nightmare,
462
00:17:11,465 --> 00:17:13,641
but just get Krieger ready
with his weapons,
463
00:17:13,684 --> 00:17:15,686
and meet us outside the ship!
464
00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:17,427
- Way ahead of you.
465
00:17:17,471 --> 00:17:18,994
- Are you?
466
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:20,300
- Hate to be a pest
but could you say,
467
00:17:20,343 --> 00:17:21,214
"Please Detonate?"
468
00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:23,694
- Uh, no thank you.
- Ah-ha!
469
00:17:24,739 --> 00:17:26,654
- Fantastic.
And now this is happening.
470
00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:28,134
- Let's go!
471
00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:30,136
[exploding]
- Ow.
472
00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:32,094
- Nice shooting, Tex,
but if you kill him,
473
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:33,661
nobody gets tacos.
474
00:17:33,704 --> 00:17:34,879
[gun cocking]
Oh, hi guys.
475
00:17:34,923 --> 00:17:36,707
- Oh, hi.
They're from the ship.
476
00:17:36,751 --> 00:17:38,579
- Yep.We are here to stop you.
477
00:17:38,622 --> 00:17:40,668
- Is that a kimono?
478
00:17:41,582 --> 00:17:45,151
- These are experimental
prototypes.
479
00:17:45,194 --> 00:17:46,761
- I call gun!
Big gun, here.
480
00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:48,676
- That leaves Pam
the temporary--
481
00:17:48,719 --> 00:17:50,156
- Don't need it, dick-nuts.
482
00:17:50,199 --> 00:17:51,896
My body is a weapon.
- Speaking of which.
483
00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:54,160
- The temporary
singularity grenade?
484
00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:55,465
- Why would you make that?
485
00:17:55,509 --> 00:17:57,163
Why not just give usan ancient horn that summons
486
00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:59,861
Cthulhu's older,shittier step-brother?
487
00:17:59,904 --> 00:18:02,907
- Well, it imprinted on younow, so no one else can use it.
488
00:18:02,951 --> 00:18:04,692
- Seems likea needless precaution.
489
00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:06,607
So where do you think they are?
[lasers zapping]
490
00:18:06,650 --> 00:18:10,480
- I find it's good practiceto follow the sound of gunfire.
491
00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:12,047
- That hadn't happened yet!
492
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:15,964
- Oh, suppressing fire!
493
00:18:16,007 --> 00:18:17,444
Ah, ah, ah!
494
00:18:17,487 --> 00:18:19,924
- Yelling "suppressing fire"
kind of defeats the point.
495
00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:21,665
We're supposed to think
you're aiming at us.
496
00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:24,277
- You know what, actually,I'm saying it to my teammates,
497
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:25,321
so they know.
498
00:18:25,365 --> 00:18:26,322
- [yowls]
499
00:18:26,366 --> 00:18:27,758
- Ah-ah-ah!
500
00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:30,196
- Admit you underestimated me.
501
00:18:30,239 --> 00:18:31,936
- Get off my head, you bitch!
502
00:18:31,980 --> 00:18:33,460
- They're actually
doing okay.
503
00:18:33,503 --> 00:18:36,202
I might have a tiny bitmore respect for them.
504
00:18:36,245 --> 00:18:37,377
Don't ever tell them
I said that.
505
00:18:37,420 --> 00:18:39,988
- There is so muchso deeply wrong with you.
506
00:18:40,031 --> 00:18:41,729
- [chuckles]
And you married me.
507
00:18:41,772 --> 00:18:43,339
Doesn't reflect great on you.
508
00:18:43,383 --> 00:18:46,037
- Aww, can I keep him?
509
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,432
- How long before they notice--
510
00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:52,348
"We're-we're gone,"
is what I was gonna say.
511
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:54,742
[groans]
512
00:18:54,785 --> 00:18:56,222
- So what's all this then?
513
00:18:56,265 --> 00:18:57,745
- Cargo railgun,we shoot you,
514
00:18:57,788 --> 00:18:59,399
transmit signal, boom.
515
00:18:59,442 --> 00:19:02,445
- Oh, finally.
- Wait, where's Pam?
516
00:19:02,489 --> 00:19:04,882
[dramatic music]
517
00:19:04,926 --> 00:19:06,754
- The invisible fist.
518
00:19:06,797 --> 00:19:08,408
That could be my code name.
519
00:19:08,451 --> 00:19:10,453
So what do you say,I'm your scrappy apprentice,
520
00:19:10,497 --> 00:19:12,325
and you're mygruff-but-loveable--
521
00:19:12,368 --> 00:19:13,761
Ahhh! Ow!
522
00:19:13,804 --> 00:19:15,763
- I'll think about it.
[cackles]
523
00:19:15,806 --> 00:19:19,332
- [groaning]
Oh, that is good pouchwork.
524
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:21,334
♪
525
00:19:21,377 --> 00:19:23,205
- Get in there.
We'll send the "please det--"
526
00:19:23,249 --> 00:19:24,598
- Archer, come on.
527
00:19:24,641 --> 00:19:26,513
- Whoops, that would
have been hilarious.
528
00:19:26,556 --> 00:19:28,471
We'll send you the message
529
00:19:28,515 --> 00:19:30,169
once you're out
of the galactic plane.
530
00:19:30,212 --> 00:19:32,562
- Ahh!
Jesus, Archer.
531
00:19:32,606 --> 00:19:34,260
You ever look
before you shoot?
532
00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:35,739
- Sometimes.
533
00:19:35,783 --> 00:19:37,001
- [yowls]
534
00:19:37,045 --> 00:19:38,481
- Don't hit Mr. Deadly!
535
00:19:38,525 --> 00:19:40,353
- Yeah, aiming at you guys.
536
00:19:40,396 --> 00:19:42,485
- Thanks for beingso conscientious.
537
00:19:42,529 --> 00:19:43,356
- [yelling]
538
00:19:43,399 --> 00:19:44,748
- [slow-motion groaning]
539
00:19:44,792 --> 00:19:47,751
[dramatic music]
540
00:19:47,795 --> 00:19:49,579
♪
541
00:19:49,623 --> 00:19:51,364
- [slow-motion yelling]
542
00:19:51,407 --> 00:19:53,322
♪
543
00:19:53,366 --> 00:19:55,019
- You saved me.
544
00:19:55,063 --> 00:19:58,371
You overcame your simple
biological impulse to live.
545
00:19:58,414 --> 00:20:00,590
- Just tryingto do what's right.
546
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,984
[roars]
547
00:20:05,595 --> 00:20:08,468
- Jesus Christ, lady!
548
00:20:08,511 --> 00:20:11,427
- Don't call me lady!
549
00:20:11,471 --> 00:20:13,473
- Well, have a nice death.
550
00:20:13,516 --> 00:20:16,258
- Just give me the receiver
so you can transmit the order.
551
00:20:16,302 --> 00:20:18,347
- The what?
- It's a cargo container.
552
00:20:18,391 --> 00:20:20,697
Do you want me to bring along
string and a can?
553
00:20:20,741 --> 00:20:22,830
- Goddamn it.
554
00:20:22,873 --> 00:20:26,268
Oh, so now you'rea gesture expert.
555
00:20:27,617 --> 00:20:31,099
- [yelling]
556
00:20:33,319 --> 00:20:35,451
- Whoa, smells like
stir-Friday in here.
557
00:20:35,495 --> 00:20:37,018
- Why did you do that?
558
00:20:37,061 --> 00:20:40,064
I need to feel their blood
on my--ah.
559
00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:43,546
Ohh, this is the best
I've ever felt.
560
00:20:43,590 --> 00:20:45,635
- Yeah, you're probably gonnawant to check into rehab.
561
00:20:45,679 --> 00:20:47,420
Like immediately.You forgot this.
562
00:20:47,463 --> 00:20:50,858
I came as quick as I could.You know, after they died.
563
00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:53,382
- You are a paragon of bravery.
564
00:20:53,426 --> 00:20:55,384
All right,
let's shoot you into space.
565
00:20:55,428 --> 00:20:57,168
- One moment.
- Oh, come on!
566
00:20:57,212 --> 00:20:59,867
- Lana's act of selflessness
inspired me.
567
00:20:59,910 --> 00:21:02,043
She was willing to give
her life for others,
568
00:21:02,086 --> 00:21:04,828
and that gives me
the courage to change.
569
00:21:04,872 --> 00:21:06,830
I choose life.
570
00:21:06,874 --> 00:21:09,137
- I guess this means
no tacos.
571
00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:11,139
- [scoffs] Is that supposedto be a joke?
572
00:21:11,182 --> 00:21:12,923
- I didn't mean to make
it weird. [pained grunt]
573
00:21:12,967 --> 00:21:15,143
- How's this for weird?
574
00:21:15,186 --> 00:21:17,667
Please detonate.
575
00:21:17,711 --> 00:21:19,278
- No!
- Don't detonate!
576
00:21:19,321 --> 00:21:21,062
[tense music]
577
00:21:21,105 --> 00:21:24,587
- I think my change of heart
may have diffused me.
578
00:21:24,631 --> 00:21:26,328
Only now do I see that
579
00:21:26,372 --> 00:21:28,896
when one's purpose is evil,
achieving that--
580
00:21:28,939 --> 00:21:30,506
[eerie howling]
581
00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:32,160
[all scream]
582
00:21:32,203 --> 00:21:34,075
- Archer, you've gotto use this.
583
00:21:34,118 --> 00:21:37,034
- I don't want to be
eternal spaghetti, Lana.
584
00:21:37,078 --> 00:21:39,646
- For once, think of anyoneother than yourself.
585
00:21:39,689 --> 00:21:42,301
- Aghh! Fine!
586
00:21:43,998 --> 00:21:46,000
[beeping]
587
00:21:46,740 --> 00:21:49,351
[intense whooshing]
588
00:21:49,395 --> 00:21:55,531
♪
589
00:21:55,575 --> 00:21:57,925
[all yelling]
590
00:22:04,584 --> 00:22:05,498
[relieved sighs]
591
00:22:05,541 --> 00:22:07,587
- I'm alive!
Archer: We're alive!
592
00:22:07,630 --> 00:22:09,371
Ray: Close one, right guys?
593
00:22:09,415 --> 00:22:10,938
- Yeah, great.
594
00:22:10,981 --> 00:22:13,419
I think I twisted my ankle.
Thanks, Lana.
595
00:22:13,462 --> 00:22:15,682
- So where exactly
did they go?
596
00:22:15,725 --> 00:22:17,336
- It's semi-random,
597
00:22:17,379 --> 00:22:18,989
but I could try
to back-calculate it--
598
00:22:19,033 --> 00:22:20,600
- I'd kind of preferto not know
599
00:22:20,643 --> 00:22:22,602
if we wiped outseveral thriving
600
00:22:22,645 --> 00:22:24,386
and culturally complexcivilizations.
601
00:22:24,430 --> 00:22:26,214
- Yeah, I mean, me too.
- All right.
602
00:22:26,257 --> 00:22:29,348
[explosion]
603
00:22:30,958 --> 00:22:33,482
- We don't know that was us.
604
00:22:54,851 --> 00:22:58,507
- Made in Georgia.
605
00:23:07,690 --> 00:23:10,432
[shrieks]
Rocket pack!
606
00:23:10,476 --> 00:23:12,608
You know how much fuel
you just wasted?
607
00:23:12,652 --> 00:23:16,525
I don'’t know. How much paint
did Michelangelo waste
on the Sistine Chapel?
608
00:23:16,569 --> 00:23:18,527
ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.
609
00:23:18,571 --> 00:23:21,269
All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.
43186
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