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1
00:00:00,768 --> 00:00:02,002
(screaming)
2
00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:04,738
ANNOUNCER: FXX presents
Archer 1999.
3
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:10,778
CHERYL (lazily):
* Twinkle, twinkle,
little star *
4
00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:15,416
* How I wonder what you are *
5
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:19,387
* Something, something,
up so high *
6
00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:22,723
* Kicking, screaming,
burned alive *
7
00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:24,458
ARCHER (on comms):
Goddamn it, Cheryl,
8
00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:26,360
are you gonna shoot
this goddamn thing or what?
9
00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:30,098
Well, it's hard for me
to make a decision
10
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:32,366
without knowing
what this "or what" option is.
11
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:33,767
Duh.
12
00:00:33,801 --> 00:00:35,469
ARCHER:
For God's sakes, Lana,
13
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:39,240
do you literally
want to become lunch?
14
00:00:39,273 --> 00:00:40,708
The gas pedal
is the one on the right.
15
00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:43,944
I'm trying.
I can't get any power.
16
00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:46,614
CHERYL:
Why are these guns
so freaking loud?
17
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:49,049
My earballs are on fire!
18
00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:52,420
Shoot him in the dick!
19
00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:53,754
CYRIL:
Space snails
20
00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:55,323
don't have dicks.
21
00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:56,457
Technically, they have both
22
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,226
male and female
reproductive organs,
23
00:00:58,259 --> 00:01:00,428
so they can inseminate
and be inseminated.
24
00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:02,563
Cyril's definitely been
to those kind of parties.
25
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:04,232
-PAM: (laughs) Space burn.
-Would you idiots
26
00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:06,734
mind focusing
on the problem at hand, please?
27
00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:10,070
Krieger, why can't I get
any power from the boosters?
28
00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:12,840
What the hell is going on
with the power supply?
29
00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:14,175
Goddamn it!
30
00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:15,843
Something must be
depleting power from the ship.
31
00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:17,945
Did someone leave the fan on
in the bathroom again?
32
00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:20,013
-Not me.
-And why not?
33
00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:22,783
What is with all the banging
and the shouting?
34
00:01:22,816 --> 00:01:24,818
Are we hosting a quinceañera?
35
00:01:26,987 --> 00:01:28,989
-(alarm blaring)
-(all scream)
36
00:01:29,022 --> 00:01:32,260
Oh, shit!
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00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:36,330
CHERYL:
No!
38
00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:40,301
I left my purse in there!
39
00:01:42,170 --> 00:01:44,172
(Archer theme playing)
40
00:02:21,909 --> 00:02:23,143
(all groaning)
41
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:26,314
-That was awesome.
-Awesome?
42
00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:27,848
We're stuck inside
a space nautilus
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00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:29,850
somewhere between his colon
and his cloaca.
44
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:31,419
What's a cloaca?
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00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:33,254
It's an organ that's used
for excretion
46
00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:34,488
and also intercourse.
47
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:35,689
(laughs)
Smart.
48
00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:37,258
Pam, shut up.
49
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:39,026
You know, for the person
who got us into this mess,
50
00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:41,695
you certainly are yelling
at people a lot.
51
00:02:41,729 --> 00:02:43,997
-You got us into this mess.
-Hey, let's not point fingers.
52
00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:45,866
Especially yours, Lana.
53
00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:47,235
Those things are like
cricket bats.
54
00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,002
You're the one
who wouldn't listen to me
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00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:50,504
and set our course for a galaxy
56
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:52,606
to which we've never been
before, and, as we can now see,
57
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:55,743
is a ship-eating
cosmo crustacean.
58
00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:57,911
Well, you were the one
making the flight super boring,
59
00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,413
so I started punching
colored buttons
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00:02:59,447 --> 00:03:01,048
on the navigation panel,
61
00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:04,718
building to a loud,
yelly, final last point!
62
00:03:04,752 --> 00:03:06,720
Can we please figure out
how the hell
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00:03:06,754 --> 00:03:08,021
we're getting out of here?
64
00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:09,223
-Yeah!
-We are totally boned.
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00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:10,791
Would everyone relax.
We'll just
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00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:12,626
fire up the old plasma torch,
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00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:15,963
cut an ulcer in this thing,
and zorp our way out of here.
68
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,802
LANA:
Okay. Don't waste
any more power.
69
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:23,237
It'll work.
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00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:25,105
WOMAN:
No, it will not.
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00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:26,474
Well, not with that attitude.
72
00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:27,975
That wasn't me, idiot.
73
00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:30,278
-I tried that, too,
when I got here.
-Wha...
74
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:32,280
MALORY:
Can't you go anywhere
these days
75
00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:34,815
without being accosted
by the homeless?
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00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:37,585
CHERYL:
Um, so I guess I'll just
wait out here, then,
77
00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:39,553
like some space-flunky.
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00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:45,659
(laughs)
This is so stupid.
79
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:47,227
"Lead us into battle, Cheryl."
80
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:49,430
"Rescue the ship
from certain doom, Carol."
81
00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:53,000
Who am I,
Artemisia I of Caria?
82
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:55,736
(creature groans)
83
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,439
You know what I mean.
84
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,576
-(all groaning in disgust)
-Oh, God!
85
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:03,611
Is it...a human?
86
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:05,613
RAY:
Of sorts.
87
00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:07,448
Smells like
a diaper's coffin in here.
88
00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:10,083
This is why
you don't invite them in.
89
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:12,085
-She's a vampire?
-Everyone shut up.
90
00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:14,455
Who are you
and what are you doing here?
91
00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:16,023
My name is Glenda Price,
92
00:04:16,123 --> 00:04:18,659
captain of the starship
Tristan of Coralia.
93
00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:23,464
I also commanded
the CoreStart mission.
94
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:24,832
Wrote a book about it.
95
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:26,867
Space Me, Space You.
96
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,170
About all the good we did
97
00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:32,540
and the lives we saved
throughout the universe?
98
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,476
The cover art is my
Intergalactic Peace Prize medal?
99
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:36,610
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I remember that.
-I love Space Me, Space You.
100
00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:37,645
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
-Yeah, yeah, space.
101
00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,480
Anyway, the Tristan was on
102
00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:41,482
an intergalactic
humanitarian mission
103
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,183
when we ran into the Zarglorp.
104
00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:44,818
What's the Zarglorp?
105
00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:46,119
-Seriously?
-Come on!
106
00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:48,055
Even I know that was stupid.
107
00:04:48,155 --> 00:04:49,857
The creature that ate us, dummy.
108
00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:52,526
-Jesus, all right, sorry.
-We were delivering
109
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,963
medical supplies to poor
children and burn victims
110
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:58,899
when an asteroid storm
forced us off course
111
00:04:58,999 --> 00:05:00,734
into the Targluk Galaxy.
112
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,870
Is that how
you all ended up there?
113
00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:04,405
Uh... uh, y-yup.
114
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:05,739
Asteroid storm.
115
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,508
Size of eggs.
116
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:10,711
Ah, yes. We got dragged in
and swallowed whole.
117
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:14,014
The Tristan is still wedged
nearby in the digestive canal.
118
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:16,984
-And your crew?
-Oh, we made do at first.
119
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:19,853
We played softball,
taught ourselves piano.
120
00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:22,423
But then the rations ran out
and, one by one,
121
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:24,057
they killed themselves.
122
00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:25,426
-LANA: Wow.
-CYRIL: Cheesy Petes.
123
00:05:25,526 --> 00:05:27,160
Captain, I am so sorry
to hear that.
124
00:05:27,194 --> 00:05:30,431
Me too. We lived in our own
little utopia.
125
00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,032
(inhales shakily)
126
00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:34,668
They were my best friends.
127
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:37,170
Best friends?
But they work for you.
128
00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:40,007
Anyhow, then, as they died,
we'd eat them.
129
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,509
Smart.
130
00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:43,444
Unfortunately,
there's no way out of here.
131
00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:46,447
We'll slowly be digested over
the next hundred years or so.
132
00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:48,682
A hundred years?
That's, like, forever.
133
00:05:48,716 --> 00:05:51,118
-Nobody lives that long, idiot.
-You definitely won't
134
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:52,886
if you don't
keep your mouth shut.
135
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:54,755
(grunts)
136
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:57,190
All right, calm down. We aren't
spending the rest of our lives
137
00:05:57,224 --> 00:06:00,528
in some space prawn's shit
factory. Krieger, figure out
138
00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:02,630
why there's no power
to the boosters and fix it.
139
00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:04,031
-KRIEGER: Yep, yep, yep.
-Ray,
140
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:05,799
fix anything
damaged in the crash.
141
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:08,201
Pam, Lana, and I will go back
to the Tristan
142
00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:10,571
and collect anything that might
help us get out of here.
143
00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:13,106
Cyril, I guess
just keep being useless.
144
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,642
-Captain?
-What do you need?
145
00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:16,477
I want to help you all
get to safety,
146
00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,546
like when I rescued
the Vantaurians
147
00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:20,781
from that ELE on Vantaur Five,
148
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,983
then used all my money
149
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,819
to get them all
universal health care.
150
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,220
That's insurance
that is accepted
151
00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:28,456
throughout the universe.
152
00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:30,824
Wow, what a goddamn saint
you are.
153
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:32,626
Do you have any blast charges
on your ship?
154
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,795
Yes, but do not use them,
because...
155
00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,830
Great.
Okay, Pam, this is crucial.
156
00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:38,732
Once we're out there,
look for anything we can use
157
00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:40,501
to make me a drink.
158
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:43,571
We're in the middle
of a space creature's stomach.
159
00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:46,273
There's always something
that can be a mixer, Lana.
160
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,576
I made a drink once
out of Barbicide and hair gel.
161
00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:50,644
It's called a Moscow Mousse.
162
00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:52,012
Well, it seems like you all
163
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:53,747
have this situation
under control.
164
00:06:53,781 --> 00:06:56,517
Under control?
We're currently food.
165
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:57,751
Well, you know me.
166
00:06:57,785 --> 00:07:00,087
Always "glass half full."
167
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,923
* Ta-ta.
168
00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:08,762
CHERYL:
Okay, pro: all my stuff
is on board,
169
00:07:08,796 --> 00:07:10,197
including that kick-ass purse
170
00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:11,699
that has metal studs
on the bottom
171
00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:13,934
so it doesn't touch
gross restaurant floors.
172
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:16,637
Con. (sighs)
I'm gonna have to keep doing
173
00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:18,706
stupid fighter pilot missions,
and they're so boring
174
00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:20,708
'cause I'm so good.
175
00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:22,109
MALORY (on comms):
Pro: I'm here.
176
00:07:22,142 --> 00:07:24,612
Is that you,
voice in my head?
177
00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:27,380
You sound so much older.
And drunker.
178
00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:29,483
Look at the screen,
you glue-eating pinhead.
179
00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:32,319
Oh! I've seen this show!
With the mean lady!
180
00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:34,888
-Um... Matlock!
-Listen to me.
181
00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:38,458
We have to fly down
into that monster this instant.
182
00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:40,227
For my purse?
I know, right?
183
00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:42,329
It matches literally everything.
184
00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:44,498
No, you clod.
To pick up Sterling,
185
00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:46,233
then get the hell out of here.
186
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:47,901
Mm, no, thanks.
187
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,137
What do you mean,
"No, thanks"?
188
00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:51,805
I'm probably
just better off leaving
189
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:53,240
and starting a new life.
190
00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:54,642
Hey, you want to come?
191
00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:56,710
-Gals' trip!
-Absolutely not!
192
00:07:56,744 --> 00:07:59,379
Now listen to me. We are
flying back down there and...
193
00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:02,149
You're not my space supervisor!
194
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:03,551
(groans)
195
00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:08,822
ARCHER:
All right, Cyril,
while we're gone,
196
00:08:08,856 --> 00:08:10,524
keep Captain Price company.
197
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:11,859
She's been through a lot.
198
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,761
Maybe you'll learn
a thing or two from her.
199
00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:15,362
Oh, from the woman
who got her ship eaten
200
00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:16,864
and her whole crew killed?
201
00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:19,066
That's still more than you've
ever accomplished, Cyril.
202
00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:20,100
Keep her company.
203
00:08:20,200 --> 00:08:22,202
(door hisses)
204
00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:24,371
Cyril, right?
Come over here.
205
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:27,274
Sit down. Let's have a chat,
just you and I.
206
00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:29,409
Would you like to hear the story
207
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:31,411
of how I saved
the Drang population
208
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:33,113
after the Great Flood
of the Mupak Valley?
209
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:36,216
You know what?
Yes, I would.
210
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:37,685
Screw it,
if we're dying in here,
211
00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:39,553
I'm gonna go ahead
and finish that cake.
212
00:08:39,587 --> 00:08:41,589
I mean, I don't even care.
213
00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:46,560
-Krieger?
-(gasps) Still looking for
the source of the power loss.
214
00:08:46,594 --> 00:08:49,196
Seems like it's been
getting sucked all night.
215
00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:51,431
Space phrasing.
All right, find it and fix it.
216
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:53,033
Once this thing pukes us out,
217
00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,936
we're gonna need those boosters
to get out of this galaxy.
218
00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:01,975
Don't worry, my child.
219
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:03,977
Daddy's here.
220
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:06,379
(hoarsely)
More...
221
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:09,149
power.
222
00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:14,254
(machine whirring)
223
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,928
LANA:
What was that bullshit
back there with Cyril?
224
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:22,562
"Keep Captain Price company"?
225
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:24,832
Since when do you care
about other people's feelings?
226
00:09:24,932 --> 00:09:27,134
Well, unlike you, Lana,
I have empathy.
227
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,269
Oh, wait.
Uh, sympathy?
228
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:30,671
I think it's "symphony."
229
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:32,840
I can put myself
in Price's shoes, okay?
230
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:34,808
I know I'm gonna be
the last survivor,
231
00:09:34,842 --> 00:09:36,644
resorting to cannibalism.
232
00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:39,847
Stuck here to die alone,
literally eating dicks.
233
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:41,281
Oh, come on.
234
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:42,850
Or, you know, whatever Pam has.
235
00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,451
I hesitate
to call that thing a dick.
236
00:09:44,484 --> 00:09:46,353
It's more like a garbage claw.
237
00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:47,755
LANA:
Oh, pfft. Give me a break.
238
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:49,156
You don't want to die alone?
239
00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:51,191
You were always
gonna die alone.
240
00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:53,026
ARCHER:
What's that supposed to mean?
241
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,662
LANA:
Archer, be honest.
242
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:56,630
You're not close to anyone
because you don't care.
243
00:09:56,664 --> 00:09:58,666
You don't even bother
to listen to people,
244
00:09:58,699 --> 00:09:59,767
especially me.
245
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,168
That's not true, Lana.
246
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:02,870
I just listened
to that entire sentence,
247
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:04,537
and it was excruciating.
248
00:10:04,638 --> 00:10:06,173
Up top.
249
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:10,510
Holy shitsnacks.
250
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:12,379
These must be
the suicidal crew members
251
00:10:12,479 --> 00:10:13,947
Price was talking about.
252
00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:16,516
LANA:
Uh, you ever hear about
someone committing suicide
253
00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:18,686
by bludgeoning themselves
in the back of the head?
254
00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:20,988
Hey, the blast charges!
255
00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:22,956
LANA:
Weren't you listening
when Price said
256
00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:24,825
not to set those charges off?
257
00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:26,660
I actually wasn't.
What did she say?
258
00:10:26,694 --> 00:10:27,961
LANA:
Not to.
259
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,830
Don't make things worse
than they already are.
260
00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:32,332
Worse?
We're in a monster's colon.
261
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:34,634
We'll be safe here
behind this big fleshy...
262
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:36,303
What is this, a tumor?
263
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:38,371
Aw, poor guy.
264
00:10:45,979 --> 00:10:47,715
Okay, now get back
to the ship.
265
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:49,482
Hey, what's that?
266
00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:52,820
LANA:
Ugh. Some sort of parasites
267
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:55,055
that live in this thing's
digestive system.
268
00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:56,824
PAM:
Yeah, I get those sometimes
269
00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,491
if I've been
nosing through the trash.
270
00:10:58,525 --> 00:11:00,393
-(screeching)
-LANA: Ugh.
271
00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:01,762
Remember me saying
something about
272
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:03,330
not wanting things to get worse?
273
00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:06,099
(chuckles)
I actually was listening then.
274
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:08,668
Will you shut up
and help me think of a plan?
275
00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:10,370
ARCHER:
She said, while both talking
276
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,405
and not coming up with a plan.
277
00:11:12,439 --> 00:11:14,574
-LANA: Archer...
-ARCHER: Wait.
I just came up with a plan.
278
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:16,076
It's kind of complex.
279
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:17,344
Run!
280
00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:19,947
(all screaming)
281
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:21,949
(creatures shrieking)
282
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:24,752
I sliced the Florglap
right in his face
283
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:26,453
and I never looked back.
284
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:28,188
And because of my heroism,
285
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:30,590
they made a holiday in my honor.
286
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:33,126
I mean, not a bank holiday,
but still.
287
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:35,562
Wow, what a rewarding life.
288
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:37,530
So, tell me
about your life, Cyril.
289
00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:38,932
Oh, me?
(scoffs)
290
00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:40,600
I've had a rough go of it.
You don't want to hear it.
291
00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:43,203
Son, nothing matters to me more.
292
00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:45,572
A captain cares about her crew
more than herself.
293
00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:47,240
That's the captain's code.
294
00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:50,811
Well, okay,
if it's the captain's code.
295
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:53,881
Uh, I guess it all started
when I was about five.
296
00:11:53,914 --> 00:11:56,283
I never wanted
to be a fighter pilot.
297
00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:58,585
I wanted to work in fashion.
298
00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:00,153
Wouldn't that
be a sight to see?
299
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,422
Totally. You see these outfits
we're wearing, right?
300
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:03,924
Who came up with this?
301
00:12:03,957 --> 00:12:06,159
Does anybody's ass look good
in a flight suit?
302
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:07,761
-No!
-Well, you know,
303
00:12:07,795 --> 00:12:10,630
I have some friends
in the design world.
304
00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:14,434
Hey!
I just had a great idea.
305
00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:18,071
-You know what we should do?
-Yes! We should rob them!
306
00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:19,940
No!
We should fly down
307
00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:22,242
into that monster
to get Sterling, then...
308
00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:25,012
I love it!
You and me can be space pirates!
309
00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:27,848
With my fighter pilot skills
and your "zerp-zerp" thing,
310
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:30,250
-we could run this galaxy!
-(sighs)
311
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:33,286
Ooh, let's plan
our pirate outfits!
312
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,088
(crying):
And it turns out
313
00:12:35,122 --> 00:12:37,190
everyone did know
it was my birthday
314
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:40,027
and they skipped it
just to hurt my feelings.
315
00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:43,496
To this day, I've never got
to play spin the bottle!
316
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:47,467
Wow.
Life, she is a bitch.
317
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:48,969
But you know what people say?
318
00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,670
When things seem darkest...
319
00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:52,672
What, Captain?
320
00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:54,374
Kill yourself.
321
00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:59,479
KRIEGER:
Oh, my dear boy,
322
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:00,814
look at you.
323
00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:03,550
You're an exact replica of me.
324
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:06,019
Though that hairline
could use a little work.
325
00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:09,156
M-more power!
326
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:12,893
-Shh, okay, okay.
-More, more, more...
327
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,995
-(machine whirring)
-(shouts)
328
00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:17,530
-(pop)
-(machine whirrs down)
329
00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:19,166
(rustling)
330
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:24,171
Oh, no, I've killed him!
331
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:26,639
(sobbing):
Oh, God, no!
332
00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:28,708
Son, I didn't mean to kill you.
333
00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:31,478
(distorted):
M-murder!
334
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:33,847
-Murderer!
-No, no, shh!
335
00:13:33,881 --> 00:13:36,183
-Murderer! Murderer!
-No, no, shut up, shut up.
No, no, no, you're fine.
336
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,818
-Murderer!
-You're fine. You're alive!
Shh, shh, shh!
337
00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:40,687
-You are mur...
-No, no!
338
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,723
I am not a murderer,
339
00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:46,093
you stupid head!
340
00:13:48,728 --> 00:13:50,197
Figured out the power problem!
341
00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:51,764
PRICE:
Okay, now,
342
00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:54,101
the rabbit goes around the tree
343
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:56,403
and back into the hole.
344
00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:59,406
Is the dehydrated milk
up here somew...
345
00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:01,074
The hell are you doing?
346
00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:03,911
-Killing myself.
-Why, other than the obvious?
347
00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:06,079
Well, sometimes
killing ourselves
348
00:14:06,113 --> 00:14:09,549
is the most noble thing we
can do for our fellow survivors.
349
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:11,551
Have you ever thought about it?
350
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,420
Okay, nope, get that thing
off your neck.
351
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:14,754
Uh-oh.
352
00:14:14,787 --> 00:14:17,557
You know what we have
on our hands here, Cyril?
353
00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:20,193
A dirty mutineer.
354
00:14:22,896 --> 00:14:24,197
(gulps)
355
00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:28,535
(shrieking, growling)
356
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:32,605
CYRIL:
"And finally, to my crewmates:
357
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:34,441
"I regret leaving this world
so early,
358
00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:37,945
but I shall see you
in the next." Good?
359
00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:41,481
Then maybe something like,
um, "All my love, Cyril.
360
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:43,583
P.S.:
Please eat me."
361
00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:46,486
-Hmm. Yeah.
-(muffled shouting)
362
00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:48,956
See?
He thinks it's good too.
363
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:51,258
Now let's find you
a load-bearing pipe.
364
00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:53,260
(grunting)
365
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:00,800
(groans)
Hello?
366
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,602
Can anyone hear me?
367
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:03,971
Over.
368
00:15:04,004 --> 00:15:05,605
Ooh!
What about eye patches?
369
00:15:05,638 --> 00:15:08,308
I mean, we don't actually have
to have our eyes cut out
370
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,310
to wear them--
unless you want to.
371
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:11,778
RAY:
Can anyone hear me?
372
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:14,447
Arr, this is
Space Pirate Cheryl. Go ahead.
373
00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:16,316
There's a psycho loose
on the ship!
374
00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:18,751
She's brainwashing the crew
to kill themselves
375
00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:20,420
so she can eat us!
376
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:21,955
(gasps)
Sterling!
377
00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:24,424
Cheryl, listen to me.
We have to go in there.
378
00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:26,259
Duh, of course
we have to go in there.
379
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:27,927
There's someone
brainwashing people
380
00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:29,529
into killing themselves!
381
00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:31,264
-RAY: Hurry up!
-Let's go!
382
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:32,832
All right, me hearties, open up!
383
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:34,667
Here be breakfast!
384
00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:36,836
PRICE:
Well, well,
385
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:39,006
well.
Looks like we have
386
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:41,841
a dirty traitor in our midst.
387
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:43,977
I think you know
what to do, Cyril.
388
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,215
(door hisses)
389
00:15:49,516 --> 00:15:51,851
What the hell is this?
390
00:15:51,884 --> 00:15:53,120
Cyril's trying to kill me!
391
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:54,887
Then I'm gonna kill myself.
392
00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:56,489
Then they want us to eat them.
393
00:15:56,523 --> 00:16:00,060
-Smart.
-Cyril, you idiot,
Price is space-mad.
394
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,229
She convinced her crew
to kill themselves
395
00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:03,463
so she could eat them.
396
00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:05,332
Wh... Wow.
397
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:07,634
I... never.
398
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:11,071
I am Glenda Macmillan Price,
399
00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:13,306
intergalactic hero,
400
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:15,542
and I'll be damned
if you'll accuse me...
401
00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:16,643
(yelling)
402
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:19,212
(grunting)
403
00:16:19,246 --> 00:16:22,215
Hey, guys?
We're down to auxiliary power.
404
00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:24,217
No way to know
how that happened.
405
00:16:24,251 --> 00:16:26,886
But I do have an idea.
Captain Price, you said
406
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:29,322
your ship was lodged
in the digestive tract,
407
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:32,025
-but it's not
out of power, correct?
-(grunting) That's right.
408
00:16:32,059 --> 00:16:33,760
Well, if the fuel rods
are undamaged,
409
00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,895
conceivably, we could
hook up our generator
410
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:37,597
to the Tristan,
throw the switch,
411
00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:39,732
and it could
generate enough heat
412
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:42,169
-possibly to induce vomiting.
-(banging, screeching
in distance)
413
00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:44,071
-What the hell is that sound?
-Those are the giant
414
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:45,938
man-eating parasites
that have been chasing us
415
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:49,008
since Archer set off the blast
charges Price told us not to!
416
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:52,112
I think we all learned
a valuable lesson from that
417
00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:54,581
that we wouldn't
have known otherwise, and...
418
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:55,948
(short chuckle)
...now we know.
419
00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:57,684
(screeching)
420
00:16:57,717 --> 00:16:59,219
You idiot!
421
00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:01,521
I've been successfully hiding
from those things for years!
422
00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:03,923
Hey, how about this?
I say we try Krieger's idea.
423
00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:05,425
Lana, get behind the wheel
424
00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:07,060
and get this sucker ready
to blow out of here.
425
00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:09,396
Cyril, stop trying
to kill yourself.
426
00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:10,863
Aw, Archer.
427
00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:12,065
Help Krieger ready the boosters,
428
00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:13,900
then kill yourself if you want.
429
00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,768
Captain, you're coming with me
and Pam back to your ship
430
00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:17,537
to show us
where the fuel rods are.
431
00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:20,473
Then we hook them up
and get the hell out.
432
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:21,608
Whoohoo!
433
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:25,112
Suicide cult, here I come!
434
00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:26,446
(screeching)
435
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,949
Damn it!
How does this beast stay alive
436
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:31,784
-with all these parasites?
-Yeah.
437
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:33,086
Plus I think we saw a tumor.
438
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,887
He seems so young, too.
439
00:17:34,921 --> 00:17:36,723
-(grunts)
-(screeching)
440
00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:39,392
(yelling)
441
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:42,295
Come on! I was about
to do my finishing move.
442
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,303
Hey, wait a minute,
443
00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:52,805
I thought you said the crew
ran out of rations, Price.
444
00:17:52,839 --> 00:17:56,243
Fine! Yes!
I went space-crazy, okay?
445
00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:57,644
I killed some of the crew,
446
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:59,579
some killed each other
at my order,
447
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:02,815
and others killed themselves
to escape my bloodthirsty wrath.
448
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:04,851
You're like a dog
with a bone about this.
449
00:18:04,951 --> 00:18:06,953
-God!
-ARCHER: All right, here,
450
00:18:06,986 --> 00:18:08,321
hook them up.
451
00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:10,790
(sighs)
There's just one problem.
452
00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:12,359
LANA:
Archer, what the hell
is taking so long?
453
00:18:12,459 --> 00:18:13,960
We have to get moving.
454
00:18:13,993 --> 00:18:15,362
ARCHER:
Uh, we've got a little problem.
455
00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:16,529
What is it?
456
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,298
When we transfer power
between the ships,
457
00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:20,800
the Seamus will immediately
shoot out of this thing...
458
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:22,802
Hopefully through its mouth
and not its duke chute.
459
00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:26,306
ARCHER:
Shut up, Pam. But in doing so,
460
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:29,309
whoever powers up the Tristan
will be left behind.
461
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:31,811
-(creatures continue
screeching in distance)
-Over?
462
00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:34,113
-Well...
-ARCHER: Wait, what's that?
463
00:18:34,147 --> 00:18:37,484
(imitating static crackling)
I-I can barely hear you.
464
00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:39,686
(imitating static crackling)
465
00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:41,554
Price should stay back?
466
00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:44,056
-I didn't hear anything.
-(imitating static crackling)
467
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:45,892
Unanimous vote, you say?
468
00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:48,060
Well, looks like
the people have spoken.
469
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:50,530
So give us, like, to the count
of 60 to get back,
470
00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:51,831
then juice this baby up.
471
00:18:51,864 --> 00:18:53,633
The hell I'm staying back.
472
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:55,735
Glenda Price
didn't eat directly out
473
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:58,705
of a bridge crewman's
eye socket to die here today.
474
00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:01,174
Price, listen, you're
a self-obsessed megalomaniac
475
00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:04,043
who sacrificed her crew
for her own survival.
476
00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:05,745
You only ever
thought of yourself.
477
00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:07,380
-You're a villain.
-Ugh.
478
00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:09,382
But in your final moments,
you can be remembered
479
00:19:09,416 --> 00:19:10,850
for all the good you did
480
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:14,521
instead of your,
you know, cannibalism.
481
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:18,057
But how would people know
what I did to save you all?
482
00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:21,828
Here, I'll record
your heroic farewell.
483
00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:25,698
And I promise,
the entire galaxy will hear it.
484
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:27,367
Okay.
485
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:30,270
This is Captain Glenda Price
of the Tristan.
486
00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:34,341
Of all the many humanitarian
missions I've been on,
487
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:36,509
all the lives I've saved,
488
00:19:36,543 --> 00:19:38,110
this last act of bravery
489
00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:40,680
shall be my greatest.
490
00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:44,183
Sure, there will be songs
of my courage
491
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:47,887
and statues in my honor.
492
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:51,591
But know that serving
my fellow man...
493
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:54,126
(stifles sob, sighs)
494
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:57,930
...it was my privilege.
495
00:19:57,964 --> 00:19:59,366
Get out of here.
496
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,869
Captain's orders!
497
00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:04,471
Aye, aye, Captain.
498
00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:08,207
For what it's worth,
I would have liked being
499
00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:10,743
an outlaw space pirate with you!
500
00:20:10,777 --> 00:20:12,078
Even though you're kind of mean
501
00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:13,713
and mostly electromagnets,
502
00:20:13,746 --> 00:20:15,482
you're still my favorite!
503
00:20:15,582 --> 00:20:17,950
I hope this thing
chews you like gum,
504
00:20:17,984 --> 00:20:19,952
you crazy bitch.
505
00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:22,589
-All right, Lana, light it up.
-Krieger, are we ready to go?
506
00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:23,956
-KRIEGER: Yep, yep, yep.
-Okay.
507
00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:26,125
Captain Price,
for the final time,
508
00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:29,796
please power up for liftoff,
you brave, brave soul.
509
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:31,063
PRICE:
Aye, aye.
510
00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:36,736
Jesus Christ,
it's one goddamn button, Price.
511
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:38,805
How hard is it not to screw up
the last moment of your life?
512
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:39,839
(thrusters roaring)
513
00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:46,145
It's working!
514
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:48,348
(creature groans)
515
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:50,850
It's working.
Hold on. Here we go.
516
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,991
MALORY:
That's them! They got out!
517
00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:01,994
Fly away, you idiot!
Fly away!
518
00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:04,797
CHERYL:
Stop yelling at me!
519
00:21:07,534 --> 00:21:09,101
PAM:
(sighs)
520
00:21:09,135 --> 00:21:11,838
Is it just me, or is this
literally the best tea
521
00:21:11,871 --> 00:21:15,007
-in the entire galaxy?
-That's probably
the opium talking.
522
00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:17,844
Chasing that space dragon.
Rawr! (chuckles)
523
00:21:17,877 --> 00:21:19,646
CHERYL:
So now
524
00:21:19,679 --> 00:21:22,148
not only am I
not a part of a suicide cult.
525
00:21:22,181 --> 00:21:24,016
I'm never gonna get a chance
to be ever again.
526
00:21:24,050 --> 00:21:25,718
There, there, dear.
527
00:21:25,818 --> 00:21:28,721
You're dead to me.
That must count for something.
528
00:21:28,821 --> 00:21:30,222
Aw, thanks.
529
00:21:30,323 --> 00:21:32,224
Hey, I forgot to ask--
how did you end up
530
00:21:32,325 --> 00:21:34,293
-getting out of there?
-We were able to generate
531
00:21:34,327 --> 00:21:37,129
enough heat from the fuel rods
that the Zarglorp spit us out.
532
00:21:37,163 --> 00:21:39,165
Oh, of course--
the extra fuel rods
533
00:21:39,198 --> 00:21:40,967
in the downstairs storage room.
534
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,970
I was hoping you'd find those.
Glad they worked out.
535
00:21:44,003 --> 00:21:46,205
Yeah, worked out for everybody.
536
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,642
So you gonna
upload Price's farewell
537
00:21:49,676 --> 00:21:51,378
so the entire galaxy
can hear it?
538
00:21:51,411 --> 00:21:52,879
(laughs)
Are you kidding me?
539
00:21:52,912 --> 00:21:55,181
-I wasn't recording that.
-Wait, what?
540
00:21:55,214 --> 00:21:57,149
What about your promise?
541
00:21:57,183 --> 00:21:59,486
Wow, you really are an asshole.
542
00:21:59,519 --> 00:22:01,588
Oh, I'm the asshole.
543
00:22:01,688 --> 00:22:03,890
Lana, that lady ate people.
544
00:22:05,324 --> 00:22:08,728
Hey, I could
really go for a Moscow Mousse.
545
00:22:08,761 --> 00:22:10,162
You want one?
546
00:22:30,550 --> 00:22:34,120
MAN:
Made in Georgia.
547
00:22:38,558 --> 00:22:40,460
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
548
00:22:42,562 --> 00:22:43,563
Whoo!
549
00:22:44,964 --> 00:22:46,032
-Hey.
-(screeching)
550
00:22:46,065 --> 00:22:47,734
-Welcome to the freak show.
-(gasps)
551
00:22:48,267 --> 00:22:49,301
(growling)
552
00:22:49,402 --> 00:22:50,770
-(farts)
-(sniffs)
553
00:22:50,803 --> 00:22:53,940
-Is that shepherd's pie?
-And banana puddin'.
554
00:22:53,973 --> 00:22:56,776
-Why, I oughta--
-You oughta... wash off
that 'nana puddin'.
555
00:22:56,809 --> 00:22:57,877
-(slaps land)
-(grunting)
556
00:22:57,910 --> 00:22:59,612
ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.
557
00:22:59,646 --> 00:23:02,381
All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.
40906
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