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1
00:00:01,305 --> 00:00:02,263
[screaming]
2
00:00:02,306 --> 00:00:05,222
ANNOUNCER: FXX presents
Archer 1999.
3
00:00:11,315 --> 00:00:13,013
[ship thrusters humming]
4
00:00:17,278 --> 00:00:21,195
MALORY:
[sighs] Well, this is
another fine mess.
5
00:00:21,238 --> 00:00:22,631
Thanks to your idiot son.
6
00:00:22,674 --> 00:00:24,633
You're as much
to blame as he is.
7
00:00:24,676 --> 00:00:25,895
Wha... How?
8
00:00:25,938 --> 00:00:27,462
-Exactly.
-Wait, what?
9
00:00:27,505 --> 00:00:29,072
-You heard her!
-Don't yell at her!
10
00:00:29,116 --> 00:00:31,074
-Don't yell at her!
-Don't yell at him!
11
00:00:31,118 --> 00:00:32,554
-What are you doing?
-I don't know!
12
00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:33,903
Guys, come on!
13
00:00:33,946 --> 00:00:35,731
I think we could all
benefit from not yelling!
14
00:00:35,774 --> 00:00:38,255
The only thing
you'd benefit from is an EMP.
15
00:00:38,299 --> 00:00:41,345
[gasps]
Not even as a joke.
16
00:00:41,389 --> 00:00:43,217
BARRY:
Do I look like I'm joking?
17
00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:45,088
I mean, honestly,
it's hard to tell with you,
18
00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:47,221
what with that robot face.
19
00:00:47,264 --> 00:00:49,353
[laughs]
Well, I'm not joking.
20
00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:50,572
I actually
didn't think you were.
21
00:00:50,615 --> 00:00:53,662
Because, meatbag,
I don't think it's funny
22
00:00:53,705 --> 00:00:55,881
when people steal from me.
23
00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:57,274
What...
Is that what this is about?
24
00:00:57,318 --> 00:00:58,797
What'd you think it was about?
25
00:00:58,841 --> 00:01:01,539
Again, hard to tell with you
because of your...
26
00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:04,238
Say "robot face" again,
shitlick.
27
00:01:04,281 --> 00:01:05,804
-...delivery?
-Oh.
28
00:01:05,848 --> 00:01:07,763
You're gonna talk to me
about delivery,
29
00:01:07,806 --> 00:01:09,504
after you stole my cargo?
30
00:01:09,547 --> 00:01:11,288
I didn't steal it.
I still have it.
31
00:01:11,332 --> 00:01:13,725
-You... Where is it?
-On the Seamus.
32
00:01:13,769 --> 00:01:16,380
I was bringing it to you.
Why do you think I'm here?
33
00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:18,382
Wha... Because I captured you?
34
00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:20,515
-Potato, pobobot.
-What?
35
00:01:20,558 --> 00:01:22,821
Look, let me go back to
the ship, I'll get the thing,
36
00:01:22,865 --> 00:01:25,607
bring it back here,
and everything's space-jake.
37
00:01:25,650 --> 00:01:27,174
-Wow.
-Yeah.
38
00:01:27,217 --> 00:01:28,958
You must think
I'm pretty stupid.
39
00:01:29,001 --> 00:01:31,395
-Eh.
-How 'bout you tell me
where it is?
40
00:01:31,439 --> 00:01:33,049
-In the safe.
-Let me finish.
41
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,704
I send a couple of my guys
to go get it, and...
42
00:01:35,747 --> 00:01:38,228
-[soft chuckle] Well,
send a couple you don't like,
-Let me...
43
00:01:38,272 --> 00:01:40,317
because if they punch in
the wrong combination,
44
00:01:40,361 --> 00:01:43,277
they're gonna be eatinga 20-kiloton burrito for lunch.
45
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,540
-BOTH: Huh?
-It's got a nuclear
self-destruct.
46
00:01:45,583 --> 00:01:49,065
Okay, so then how 'bout you
tell me the right combination?
47
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:51,154
Well, because
I feel like if I did,
48
00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:54,375
I'd no longer be negotiating
from a position of power.
49
00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:56,203
You think you're in
a position of power?
50
00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:58,205
Eh...
51
00:01:58,248 --> 00:02:00,511
M'kay. Well, I'm gonna
go do this thing with...
52
00:02:00,555 --> 00:02:02,557
well, toyour friends.
53
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:03,601
Tell 'em hey.
54
00:02:03,645 --> 00:02:04,863
And I'm while I'm gone,
55
00:02:04,907 --> 00:02:07,257
I'd really like you
to give some thought to
56
00:02:07,301 --> 00:02:08,345
telling me the combination.
57
00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:10,391
I feel like
I have thought about it.
58
00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:12,610
Well, but you haven't
met my buddy...
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00:02:12,654 --> 00:02:15,004
[heavy mechanical clunking]
60
00:02:19,095 --> 00:02:20,401
...Funbeak.
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[screeches]
62
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Jesus Hannibal Christ.
63
00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:25,841
Right?
[chuckles]
64
00:02:25,884 --> 00:02:27,321
Say hello, Funbeak.
65
00:02:27,364 --> 00:02:28,670
[voice glitching]:
Hello, Fun-un-unbeak.
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00:02:28,713 --> 00:02:30,976
-[screeches]
-[chuckles]
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00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:32,282
You kook.
68
00:02:32,326 --> 00:02:34,241
[electricity clicking]
69
00:02:34,284 --> 00:02:36,286
[Archer theme playing]
70
00:03:12,714 --> 00:03:14,716
Okay, I'm looking around
and I'm seeing
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00:03:14,759 --> 00:03:16,587
some pretty mopey faces.
72
00:03:16,631 --> 00:03:18,459
Yeah, 'cause you're
selling us into slavery
73
00:03:18,502 --> 00:03:19,851
down in the spek mines.
74
00:03:19,895 --> 00:03:22,506
-Wait, what?
-Well, not all of you.
75
00:03:22,550 --> 00:03:24,291
-Come again?
-PAM: Space phrasing.
76
00:03:24,334 --> 00:03:25,901
Well, thanks to your buddy Bort,
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00:03:25,944 --> 00:03:27,903
one of you
has a chance to go free.
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00:03:27,946 --> 00:03:30,166
And, hell, I'll even
throw in your ship.
79
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,167
-Come on.
-Uh...
-That is our ship.
80
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,516
First of all, that's my ship.
81
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,475
-Halfyours.
-Shut up. And...
82
00:03:34,518 --> 00:03:36,520
And who knows?
Maybe you'll win it back.
83
00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:38,522
-Win it back how?
-Oh, man.
84
00:03:38,566 --> 00:03:40,872
I was hoping you'd ask that,
85
00:03:40,916 --> 00:03:44,615
because this sets up
my big reveal.
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-♪ Bum-bum-baa!♪ Ta-da!
-[door whooshes open]
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-PAM: Ah!
-LANA: Jesus Space Christ.
-CYRIL: Uh... okay.
88
00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:51,405
[crowd cheering]
89
00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:52,710
♪
90
00:03:54,973 --> 00:03:57,062
[roars]
91
00:03:57,106 --> 00:03:59,587
[grunting]
92
00:04:14,689 --> 00:04:15,907
PAM:
Holy shit!
93
00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:18,519
It's that dickhead Bort.
94
00:04:19,563 --> 00:04:21,522
Hey. Hey, guys.
95
00:04:21,565 --> 00:04:24,699
Whoever doesn't die,
let's hang out after.
96
00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:28,398
[crowd exclaims]
97
00:04:28,442 --> 00:04:29,617
[grunts]
98
00:04:35,927 --> 00:04:37,929
[crowd cheering]
99
00:04:39,627 --> 00:04:41,542
[chuckles]
Pretty sweet reveal, huh?
100
00:04:41,585 --> 00:04:43,979
Gladiator fights?
Are you serious?
101
00:04:44,022 --> 00:04:45,546
Maybe it is my delivery.
102
00:04:45,589 --> 00:04:48,592
Yeah, Bort rented y'all
for his birthday party.
103
00:04:48,636 --> 00:04:50,377
-Rented?
-Unless you die.
104
00:04:50,420 --> 00:04:51,726
Well, then he's buying you.
105
00:04:51,769 --> 00:04:53,554
Wait, have we
done this before?
106
00:04:53,597 --> 00:04:55,338
-Somebody has.
-Right? [soft laugh]
107
00:04:55,382 --> 00:04:57,384
Doesn't matter.
Okay, so
108
00:04:57,427 --> 00:04:59,995
while I go check in
on Archer's torture sesh,
109
00:05:00,038 --> 00:05:01,692
y'all decide
who's gonna fight who.
110
00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:03,215
Actually, it's "whom."
111
00:05:03,259 --> 00:05:05,479
I said "whom."
112
00:05:05,522 --> 00:05:07,176
Or not.
I don't know.
113
00:05:07,219 --> 00:05:08,786
Bee-boo-boop.
114
00:05:08,830 --> 00:05:11,746
Hey, what do you guys
think about my delivery?
115
00:05:11,789 --> 00:05:13,400
Well, now what
are we supposed to do?
116
00:05:13,443 --> 00:05:15,489
I guess we got topick somebody to fight against.
117
00:05:15,532 --> 00:05:17,621
Aw, man, I can't fight you guys.
118
00:05:17,665 --> 00:05:18,970
I literally can't.
119
00:05:19,014 --> 00:05:20,494
According to
the First Law of Robotics,
120
00:05:20,537 --> 00:05:22,626
I'm not allowed
to harm a human being.
121
00:05:22,670 --> 00:05:24,585
-I pick Krieger.
-Wha... No way!
122
00:05:24,628 --> 00:05:26,238
-Yes way.
-Cyril.
123
00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:27,936
Shut your fat mouth!
I get Krieger!
124
00:05:27,979 --> 00:05:29,764
-Excuse me?
-I...
125
00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:32,375
No, I mean, come on.
I called dibs.
126
00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:34,769
-Well then, I get Ms. Archer.
-Aw, man.
127
00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:37,380
Well, as much as I'd like
to see you idiots
128
00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,426
stomp each other's heads in...
129
00:05:41,036 --> 00:05:43,560
-Perhaps another time.
-Ho-ho.
130
00:05:43,604 --> 00:05:45,432
Where the hell
do you think you're going?
131
00:05:45,475 --> 00:05:48,173
To rescue Sterling
and get off this rock.
132
00:05:48,217 --> 00:05:50,785
Plus, there has to be
a bar around here.
133
00:05:50,828 --> 00:05:52,177
Oh, no you don't.
134
00:05:52,221 --> 00:05:53,527
-Whoop!
-Ow!
135
00:05:53,570 --> 00:05:55,093
-[singsongy]: Toodles.
-[laughing]
136
00:05:55,137 --> 00:05:58,270
-Okay, I pick you.
-Bring it.
137
00:05:58,314 --> 00:06:00,534
Oh, I will.
I'm bringing extra.
138
00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:03,058
So, Cheryl and Lana,
Cyril and me,
139
00:06:03,101 --> 00:06:04,886
and where does that leave Pam?
140
00:06:04,929 --> 00:06:07,845
As the loneliest gal
at the Monsters' Ball.
141
00:06:07,889 --> 00:06:09,673
-[chuckles]
-[laughs]: Ooh!
142
00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:11,675
[clears throat]
Krieger, want to swap with me?
143
00:06:11,719 --> 00:06:13,547
-Yep, yep, yep.
-Wait, what?
144
00:06:13,590 --> 00:06:16,550
[chuckles] Oh, man,
this is gonna be so gross.
145
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:17,594
[soft whimper]
What is?
146
00:06:17,638 --> 00:06:19,074
Cleaning your nuts out
147
00:06:19,117 --> 00:06:21,293
-from between my toes.
-BOTH: Ew.
148
00:06:21,337 --> 00:06:22,643
-[gulps]
-Yeah.
149
00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:24,427
You better gulp nervously.
150
00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:25,776
Lana, do something.
151
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:27,996
Okay, okay.
152
00:06:28,039 --> 00:06:28,997
Me and Carol,
153
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:30,477
-Cyril and Krieger...
-Yes.
154
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:33,262
Then those two winners fight,
and then I guess
155
00:06:33,305 --> 00:06:34,785
Pam gets that winner.
156
00:06:34,829 --> 00:06:37,092
Aw.
We're all winners in my book.
157
00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:39,573
And I guess just try
to make your fights look real,
158
00:06:39,616 --> 00:06:40,922
and maybe that'll
buy us some time
159
00:06:40,965 --> 00:06:42,837
to come up with a planto get out of this crazy place.
160
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,534
[Archer screaming]
161
00:06:44,578 --> 00:06:46,797
[gasps]
That's Sterling.
162
00:06:46,841 --> 00:06:49,452
Come on, already!
What are you, hourly?
163
00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:51,889
-[ice clinking]
-I am, actually.
164
00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:53,935
[screaming]
165
00:06:55,719 --> 00:06:58,156
[panting]
166
00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,506
Please don't do tha...
[screaming]
167
00:07:01,290 --> 00:07:03,597
[panting]
Please.
168
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:04,902
I can't take any more.
169
00:07:04,946 --> 00:07:06,904
But Funbeak
has so much more to give.
170
00:07:06,948 --> 00:07:08,906
-[grunts]
-That was a joke.
171
00:07:08,950 --> 00:07:11,343
Ha ha ha ha ha.
172
00:07:11,387 --> 00:07:13,737
Listen, listen... listen to me.
173
00:07:13,781 --> 00:07:16,348
You guys seriously
have to work on your delivery.
174
00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:19,482
Funbeak will try again.
Did you hear the one
175
00:07:19,526 --> 00:07:21,702
about the human with no penis?
176
00:07:21,745 --> 00:07:23,138
No.
177
00:07:23,181 --> 00:07:25,401
Wait. Hang on.
Funbeak messed it up.
178
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:28,317
Uh... hang on.
Uh... o-okay.
179
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:29,753
-So...
-[electrical sputtering]
180
00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:32,582
[glass shatters]
181
00:07:34,889 --> 00:07:36,717
-Duh.
-FUNBEAK: Hey.
182
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,720
-Mother?
-Sterling. Are you all right?
183
00:07:39,763 --> 00:07:41,069
[soft chuckle]
I'm not great.
184
00:07:41,112 --> 00:07:43,332
Who are you
and what are you doing?
185
00:07:43,375 --> 00:07:46,988
Well, I was drinking
a surprisingly good martini,
186
00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:48,772
but now it seems
I'll have to settle for
187
00:07:48,816 --> 00:07:52,776
whipping the ass off
of some robot cereal mascot.
188
00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:54,778
Funbeak will...
189
00:07:54,822 --> 00:07:56,867
destroy you.
190
00:07:56,911 --> 00:07:58,695
[screeches]
191
00:07:58,739 --> 00:08:01,655
Bring it, bird.
192
00:08:01,698 --> 00:08:03,221
[screeches]
193
00:08:04,266 --> 00:08:05,876
[laughs]
Holy shit.
194
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,444
This is literally
a dream come true.
195
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,751
Which, unfortunately,
196
00:08:10,794 --> 00:08:12,492
turns super sexual.
197
00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:19,542
[screeches]
198
00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:21,631
ARCHER:
Will you quit screwing around?
199
00:08:21,675 --> 00:08:23,677
MALORY'S VOICE:
Oh, you're just jealous.
200
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:25,592
That you zapped yourself
into the CPU
201
00:08:25,635 --> 00:08:27,463
of the world's ugliest bird?
202
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,770
You're crazy.
I'm gorgeous.
203
00:08:29,813 --> 00:08:30,814
-Will you...
-[door whooshes open]
204
00:08:30,858 --> 00:08:33,687
-How we doing, gang?
-Oh, um, uh...
205
00:08:33,730 --> 00:08:35,558
[robotic voice]:Subject is still uncooperative.
206
00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:37,386
Well, are you zapping
his dick like I told you?
207
00:08:37,429 --> 00:08:38,822
-Yes.
-All right.
208
00:08:38,866 --> 00:08:40,432
-Let me see.
-As you wish.
209
00:08:40,476 --> 00:08:41,695
Whoa, whoa, wait,
no, no, no, no, no, no...
210
00:08:41,738 --> 00:08:43,914
-[screaming]
-[whoops] Yeah.
211
00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:46,134
[chuckles]
How 'bout it, bud?
212
00:08:46,177 --> 00:08:48,658
Ready to tell me
the combination to the safe?
213
00:08:48,702 --> 00:08:51,792
[panting]
No.
214
00:08:51,835 --> 00:08:53,794
All right.
Well, I'm gonna go
215
00:08:53,837 --> 00:08:56,187
watch his nutwipe buddies
try to kill each other, so...
216
00:08:56,231 --> 00:08:57,275
Wait, wait, wait.
What?
217
00:08:57,319 --> 00:08:59,277
Yeah, gladiator fights.
218
00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:02,237
Okay, Funbeak, keep it upwith the ol' weenie roast here.
219
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:05,849
Weenie roast--
that is a good one. LOL.
220
00:09:05,893 --> 00:09:07,285
It was good.
221
00:09:07,329 --> 00:09:08,809
And my delivery's fine.
222
00:09:08,852 --> 00:09:09,636
[door whooshes open]
223
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:10,985
[door clanks shut]
224
00:09:11,028 --> 00:09:13,161
Okay, now cut me out of here.
225
00:09:13,204 --> 00:09:14,641
[normal voice]:
First tell me
what's in the safe.
226
00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:15,946
In the what? Nothing.
What are you...
227
00:09:15,990 --> 00:09:18,862
I was just trying
to buy some time.
228
00:09:18,906 --> 00:09:20,864
Uh-huh.
229
00:09:20,908 --> 00:09:23,171
Now let's go find the shuttle
230
00:09:23,214 --> 00:09:24,607
and get the hell
out of this dump.
231
00:09:24,651 --> 00:09:25,869
Whoa, wait,
what about the others?
232
00:09:25,913 --> 00:09:29,394
Oh... they'll be fine.
233
00:09:29,438 --> 00:09:30,787
Aah!
234
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:32,789
Cyril, no, no, no, no, no!
235
00:09:32,833 --> 00:09:35,096
ALL:
Holy shit.
236
00:09:35,139 --> 00:09:36,314
Ooh.
237
00:09:36,358 --> 00:09:39,100
More like Isaac Assholimov,
am I right?
238
00:09:39,143 --> 00:09:40,710
I'm right.
239
00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:46,063
Oh, man. He's cut in half
and still talking smack.
240
00:09:46,107 --> 00:09:47,848
Give it up for him.
241
00:09:47,891 --> 00:09:49,763
-[crowd boos]
-Hey, shut up.
242
00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:52,548
-Whose birthday is it?
-[crowd cheers]
243
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,332
Bort's, exactly.
244
00:09:54,376 --> 00:09:56,900
Okay, put your hands,
tentacles, or cloacas together
245
00:09:56,944 --> 00:10:00,774
for our next contestants,
a couple of furious females,
246
00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:03,690
Carol and Lana!
247
00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:05,343
[cheering]
248
00:10:05,387 --> 00:10:06,562
-What'd I miss?
-Oh, man.
249
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:07,824
That one dude
cut that other dude--
250
00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:09,696
look at me--
literally in half.
251
00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:12,524
[chuckles]
Sweet.
252
00:10:12,568 --> 00:10:14,744
♪
253
00:10:14,788 --> 00:10:15,745
Good luck out there.
254
00:10:15,789 --> 00:10:17,268
Yeah.
She's gonna need it.
255
00:10:17,312 --> 00:10:19,227
-Wait, what?
-KRIEGER: Come on, man.
256
00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:21,621
You're spilling
all my robot milk.
257
00:10:27,148 --> 00:10:28,932
Mother, there's
way too many guards.
258
00:10:28,976 --> 00:10:30,455
We need to go get the others.
259
00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:32,022
What we need
is a distraction.
260
00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:35,025
-You could do your bird dance.
-You're one to talk.
261
00:10:35,069 --> 00:10:36,679
-How?
-Exactly.
262
00:10:36,723 --> 00:10:38,681
Wait a minute,
this thing's got a radio.
263
00:10:38,725 --> 00:10:40,944
-What if we called Ray?
-Yeah, what if.
264
00:10:40,988 --> 00:10:43,033
Well, couldn't he...
do something?
265
00:10:43,077 --> 00:10:44,469
I don't know.
I mean, maybe,
266
00:10:44,513 --> 00:10:45,862
if we could get him
on the radio...
267
00:10:45,906 --> 00:10:47,298
[big band music plays]
268
00:10:47,342 --> 00:10:48,735
Mama's out in space.
269
00:10:48,778 --> 00:10:50,606
Mama's doing stuff.
270
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:53,870
Mama's eating cake.
[munching]
271
00:10:53,914 --> 00:10:55,959
...and if he wasn't Ray.
272
00:10:56,003 --> 00:10:57,352
Probably eating all the cake.
273
00:10:57,395 --> 00:10:59,136
So, come on,
let's go get the others.
274
00:10:59,180 --> 00:11:01,182
But if you leave Lana here,
275
00:11:01,225 --> 00:11:04,315
you'll have the ship back
all to yourself.
276
00:11:04,359 --> 00:11:06,578
Well, you'd still be there.
277
00:11:06,622 --> 00:11:07,884
-Wh...
-And Ray.
278
00:11:07,928 --> 00:11:10,713
Uh.
Such a fatty.
279
00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:12,715
[munching]
280
00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:14,761
And I don't want
the ship bad enough
281
00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:17,720
for Lana to actually,
you know, die.
282
00:11:17,764 --> 00:11:19,417
Who says she's gonna die?
283
00:11:19,461 --> 00:11:21,550
You are gonna die!
284
00:11:21,593 --> 00:11:22,986
Wait, wait, what's going on?
285
00:11:23,030 --> 00:11:25,641
Gladiators, on your marks...
286
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:26,860
Wait, wait, hang on.
287
00:11:26,903 --> 00:11:27,861
Get set.
288
00:11:27,904 --> 00:11:29,732
[yelling]
289
00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:31,516
Whoa...
290
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:32,866
-Whoa!
-Bitch!
291
00:11:32,909 --> 00:11:34,781
[grunts]
292
00:11:34,824 --> 00:11:37,000
[cackling]
293
00:11:37,044 --> 00:11:37,958
[grunts]
294
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,832
Oh, for the...
Can you believe this?
295
00:11:42,876 --> 00:11:43,877
[chuckles]
Right?
296
00:11:43,920 --> 00:11:44,921
I'm not gonna lie,
297
00:11:44,965 --> 00:11:47,750
I've got my species' equivalentof a boner.
298
00:11:47,794 --> 00:11:48,751
-Ugh.
-Ew.
299
00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:50,535
Shut up.
You can't smell it.
300
00:11:50,579 --> 00:11:52,363
Yes, we can.
301
00:11:53,408 --> 00:11:54,452
[grunts]
302
00:11:54,496 --> 00:11:57,020
Hi-yah!
303
00:11:57,064 --> 00:11:58,674
[grunts]
304
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,676
-Berserker!
-No!
305
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:01,895
No, what are you...
No, no!
306
00:12:01,938 --> 00:12:03,244
No, no, no!
307
00:12:03,287 --> 00:12:05,072
[crowd exclaims]
308
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:09,380
I did not see that coming,
ladies and gentlemen.
309
00:12:09,424 --> 00:12:12,949
I guess it's just anything go...Oh, my God!
310
00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:17,171
[laughs]
311
00:12:17,214 --> 00:12:18,433
-[gasps]
-[grunts]
312
00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:21,697
Oh, so you want
to play for keeps?
313
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:24,787
-Oh, man, a full-on
battle royale.
-[Lana and Cheryl grunting]
314
00:12:24,831 --> 00:12:27,877
-This may be the best
birthday party ever.
-CHERYL: Bitch!
315
00:12:27,921 --> 00:12:29,661
Or, actually,
maybe the third or fourth
316
00:12:29,705 --> 00:12:30,967
best birthday party ever.
317
00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:32,273
[yells]
318
00:12:32,316 --> 00:12:35,058
[grunting]
319
00:12:35,102 --> 00:12:36,625
I've never had a birthday party.
320
00:12:36,668 --> 00:12:38,192
-Well, and who would come?
-Wha...
321
00:12:38,235 --> 00:12:39,454
What are you guys doing here?
322
00:12:39,497 --> 00:12:40,977
I thought you died
or ditched us.
323
00:12:41,021 --> 00:12:44,415
-Oh, now, uh, nobody died.
-Not yet.
324
00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:46,287
Holy space shit.
325
00:12:46,330 --> 00:12:47,679
[grunts]
326
00:12:48,463 --> 00:12:49,986
[grunts]
327
00:12:52,293 --> 00:12:53,860
Someone's gonna
get hurt out there.
328
00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:55,035
You think?
329
00:12:55,078 --> 00:12:57,428
He said "someone,"
not "something."
330
00:12:57,472 --> 00:12:58,952
-Ugh. You know...
-Krieger, shut up.
331
00:12:58,995 --> 00:13:00,431
How are we gonna
get those dickheads
332
00:13:00,475 --> 00:13:02,912
to stop fighting long enough
for all of us to escape?
333
00:13:02,956 --> 00:13:04,740
Hmm.
[gasps]
334
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:05,959
Ooh.
335
00:13:06,002 --> 00:13:09,005
Same height, similar build.
336
00:13:09,049 --> 00:13:11,486
Oh come on, no, that's just...
337
00:13:11,529 --> 00:13:13,880
Just crazy enough to work.
[sniffs]
338
00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:16,621
Ugh.
And speaking of crazy,
339
00:13:16,665 --> 00:13:18,058
what is that smell?
340
00:13:18,101 --> 00:13:21,626
[sniffs] Oh, damn it.
Did Pam have a boner in here?
341
00:13:21,670 --> 00:13:23,063
Wha... You can smell them?
342
00:13:23,106 --> 00:13:24,934
[stifled laugh]
You-you can't?
343
00:13:24,978 --> 00:13:27,589
[sighs]
344
00:13:31,071 --> 00:13:33,073
-♪
-[cheering]
345
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:35,640
This wasn't the plan, you idiot!
346
00:13:35,684 --> 00:13:37,729
Well, I wasn't
paying attention!
347
00:13:37,773 --> 00:13:39,209
PAM:
Oh, yeah?
348
00:13:39,253 --> 00:13:41,908
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
-Well, how do you like
these apples?
349
00:13:41,951 --> 00:13:43,953
-[crack]
-[groaning]
350
00:13:43,997 --> 00:13:46,651
I do not like those apples.
351
00:13:46,695 --> 00:13:48,653
[whoops]
Thanks, Barry Six.
352
00:13:48,697 --> 00:13:49,916
This is the best.
353
00:13:49,959 --> 00:13:51,874
I mean, I know we're not
friends or anything,
354
00:13:51,918 --> 00:13:53,267
and I actually...
I don't really
355
00:13:53,310 --> 00:13:55,486
have many friends,
or any, really...
356
00:13:55,530 --> 00:13:57,445
Yeah, you realize
if they kill each other,
357
00:13:57,488 --> 00:13:59,012
you got to pay for 'em.
358
00:13:59,055 --> 00:14:01,449
Totally worth it.
[slurps]
359
00:14:01,492 --> 00:14:03,712
Plus, I got
a ton of birthday money.
360
00:14:03,755 --> 00:14:04,887
Thanks, Nana.
361
00:14:07,150 --> 00:14:08,935
She used to be super hot.
362
00:14:08,978 --> 00:14:11,067
Nope.
363
00:14:12,068 --> 00:14:13,983
-Psst, hey, dummy.
-[grunts]
364
00:14:14,027 --> 00:14:15,898
Yeah, you-you ordered
a teabagging?
365
00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:17,857
[low grunt]
366
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:22,035
-[electrical cracking]
-[body thuds]
367
00:14:22,078 --> 00:14:23,950
What in God's name
is a teabagging?
368
00:14:23,993 --> 00:14:25,908
[soft laugh]
Oh... oh, come on.
369
00:14:25,952 --> 00:14:28,302
-Like you don't know?
-I'm sure I don't.
370
00:14:28,345 --> 00:14:31,044
But I'll bet
it's something disgusting.
371
00:14:31,087 --> 00:14:32,175
Eh.
372
00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:33,742
Now, will you go
wrangle those idiots
373
00:14:33,785 --> 00:14:35,309
so we can get the hell
out of here?
374
00:14:35,352 --> 00:14:37,180
Okay, go get Krieger
ready to move.
375
00:14:37,224 --> 00:14:38,965
Or we could leave him.
376
00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:40,967
-Or you.
-All right.
377
00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:42,620
Jesus.
378
00:14:42,664 --> 00:14:44,622
So, hey,
since he brought it up,
379
00:14:44,666 --> 00:14:46,842
do you have any thoughts
on teabagging?
380
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:49,105
[low snarling]
381
00:14:49,149 --> 00:14:50,628
Uh, cool.
382
00:14:50,672 --> 00:14:53,153
Uh, excuse me.
383
00:14:55,546 --> 00:14:57,070
[cheering]
384
00:14:57,113 --> 00:14:59,550
Are you even serious right now?
385
00:14:59,594 --> 00:15:01,857
[panting]
Seriously?
386
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,424
[yells]
387
00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:04,425
[laughs]
388
00:15:04,468 --> 00:15:06,731
Kooch, the undefeated champion,
389
00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:08,864
is taking on four opponents
at a time?
390
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:09,952
Did you do this?
391
00:15:09,996 --> 00:15:12,128
A five-man
bunkhouse stampede?
392
00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:14,000
How and why would I?
393
00:15:14,043 --> 00:15:15,871
Mm. Okay, folks,
394
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,568
let's make some noise for...
395
00:15:17,612 --> 00:15:19,570
K-K-K-K-Kooch!
396
00:15:19,614 --> 00:15:21,616
[yells]
397
00:15:24,184 --> 00:15:26,099
-Is he serious?
-[grunts]
398
00:15:26,142 --> 00:15:28,971
'Cause my toes only have room
for so much nut-butter.
399
00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:31,147
-BOTH: Ew.
-Seriously.
400
00:15:31,191 --> 00:15:33,454
So-- temporary truce?
401
00:15:33,497 --> 00:15:35,238
Ugh. I guess.
402
00:15:35,282 --> 00:15:37,806
[chuckles] Okay, dickbag.
You ready to party?
403
00:15:37,849 --> 00:15:40,026
[whispers]: No, wait, wait,
wait. Guys, it's me...
404
00:15:40,069 --> 00:15:41,027
-Archer?
-What?
405
00:15:41,070 --> 00:15:44,247
Hey, uh, what are they doing?
406
00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:46,119
Yeah, what are they doing?
407
00:15:46,162 --> 00:15:48,208
Don't stop. We got to
act like we're fighting
408
00:15:48,251 --> 00:15:49,426
while I tell you my plan.
409
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:51,428
Well, what's the plan?
410
00:15:51,472 --> 00:15:53,996
-We're gonna run for it.
-Excuse me?
411
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,998
Well, first we get
Krieger and Mother,
412
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,913
and then we're just gonna
haul ass to the gig,
413
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,437
smashing and slashing
anyone who gets in our...
414
00:16:05,138 --> 00:16:06,704
Oh. Oh, okay.
415
00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:08,271
Yeah, I guess they're not
acting suspicious.
416
00:16:08,315 --> 00:16:11,231
And also: what?!
417
00:16:11,274 --> 00:16:13,015
-Ow!
-That's your plan?
418
00:16:13,059 --> 00:16:14,843
I'm sorry.
Did you have a... Ow!
419
00:16:14,886 --> 00:16:17,193
Damn it, will you quit
smashing me... Ow!
420
00:16:17,237 --> 00:16:18,586
[laughing]
421
00:16:18,629 --> 00:16:19,674
[laughs]
422
00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:21,458
Goddamn... Ow!
[grunts]
423
00:16:21,502 --> 00:16:23,243
Wow.
424
00:16:23,286 --> 00:16:25,854
Fame is a fickle mistress, huh?
425
00:16:25,897 --> 00:16:28,726
Wait a minute, hang on.
He's right.
426
00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:29,814
-Huh?
-Wait, what?
427
00:16:29,858 --> 00:16:31,164
What other choice do we have?
428
00:16:31,207 --> 00:16:33,427
If we stay here,
we're as good as dead.
429
00:16:33,470 --> 00:16:36,517
[groans] Which, serve you right,by the way.
430
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:40,216
So, how do we even do this?
431
00:16:40,260 --> 00:16:42,044
[yelling]
432
00:16:42,088 --> 00:16:45,004
[all screaming]
433
00:16:46,570 --> 00:16:47,876
[cheering]
434
00:16:47,919 --> 00:16:49,834
Yeah, see?
I mean, just like that,
435
00:16:49,878 --> 00:16:50,835
they're cheering
for the other guys, like...
436
00:16:50,879 --> 00:16:52,185
Wait a minute.
437
00:16:52,228 --> 00:16:54,622
[all screaming]
438
00:16:54,665 --> 00:16:57,625
No, no, no, no, no,
that's Archer.
439
00:16:57,668 --> 00:16:59,670
Move, Nana!
440
00:16:59,714 --> 00:17:01,107
Well, why do
I have to carry him?
441
00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:03,109
-Because look at you.
-Look at you.
442
00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:04,719
Why are you a bird?
443
00:17:04,762 --> 00:17:07,330
Why are you
a rockslide with tits?
444
00:17:07,374 --> 00:17:10,203
[sobbing]
445
00:17:10,246 --> 00:17:11,334
Burn.
446
00:17:11,378 --> 00:17:12,770
-Ow.
-Shut up.
447
00:17:12,814 --> 00:17:13,989
-Can we go?
-Damn it.
448
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,904
It's my plan,
I'm the group leader.
449
00:17:15,947 --> 00:17:16,948
[all exclaim]
450
00:17:18,124 --> 00:17:19,864
[growling]
451
00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:22,302
Archer!
452
00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:23,520
And I say let's go!
453
00:17:23,564 --> 00:17:25,044
[all yelling]
454
00:17:28,221 --> 00:17:29,222
-[woman yelps]
-[glass shatters]
455
00:17:29,265 --> 00:17:30,484
[growling]
456
00:17:30,527 --> 00:17:32,268
Aah! Move!
457
00:17:33,835 --> 00:17:37,360
[sighs]
Still my fourth-best birthday.
458
00:17:37,404 --> 00:17:39,188
Mm, third.
459
00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:46,761
Mother!
460
00:17:48,589 --> 00:17:50,199
Calm down.
461
00:17:51,331 --> 00:17:53,289
Let's go.
Let's go, come on.
462
00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:55,335
Goddamn it,
I'm the group leader.
463
00:17:55,378 --> 00:17:57,511
Yeah, way to lead, buddy.
464
00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:00,601
Archer!
465
00:18:02,342 --> 00:18:05,345
Eat dicks, Barry Six.
466
00:18:13,353 --> 00:18:15,355
[sighs]
467
00:18:19,446 --> 00:18:21,448
Friggin' Bort.
468
00:18:27,584 --> 00:18:29,586
[slurping, chewing]
469
00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:38,421
[spoon clinking]
470
00:19:03,838 --> 00:19:05,753
[clears throat]
So, uh, listen, uh,
471
00:19:05,796 --> 00:19:07,363
I know things got
a little heated down there,
472
00:19:07,407 --> 00:19:09,322
and maybe we said
and did some things
473
00:19:09,365 --> 00:19:10,888
that we wish
we could take back,
474
00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:14,022
but I hope we can put
all that behind us and...
475
00:19:14,065 --> 00:19:16,198
Sterling stole something
from Barry Six and it's
476
00:19:16,242 --> 00:19:20,289
in the safe, so this whole
idiotic fiasco was his fault.
477
00:19:20,333 --> 00:19:21,464
-Archer!
-Busted, Archer!
-Archer, come on.
478
00:19:21,508 --> 00:19:23,553
Well, Mother...
touched my penis.
479
00:19:23,597 --> 00:19:24,641
[all exclaim]
480
00:19:24,685 --> 00:19:26,469
Yeah. Since we're
playing the blame game.
481
00:19:26,513 --> 00:19:30,212
So just picture Mother's
big old nasty bird claw
482
00:19:30,256 --> 00:19:32,388
touching my cock.
483
00:19:34,434 --> 00:19:36,305
[sniffs]
What the...
484
00:19:36,349 --> 00:19:37,611
Uh-oh.
485
00:19:37,654 --> 00:19:40,135
-Oh, God, gross!
-Jesus Space Christ.
-Oh, gross.
486
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,442
-God damn it.
-[chuckles]: Well...
487
00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:45,140
that's our Pam!
488
00:19:46,968 --> 00:19:48,665
What the hell are you doing?
489
00:19:48,709 --> 00:19:50,711
Freeze frame.
490
00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:16,084
MAN: Made in Georgia.
491
00:20:20,523 --> 00:20:22,438
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
492
00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:30,272
[shrieks]
Rocket pack!
493
00:20:30,316 --> 00:20:32,448
You know how much fuel
you just wasted?
494
00:20:32,492 --> 00:20:36,322
I don'’t know. How much paint
did Michelangelo waste
on the Sistine Chapel?
495
00:20:36,365 --> 00:20:38,324
ANNOUNCER: Archer 1999.
496
00:20:38,367 --> 00:20:41,152
All new,
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.
33819
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