Original subtitles

Here in the fore court of the Chinese theater,

are the footprints of all the great stars.

Paw prints.

Won Ton Ton, world-famous dog.

Never heard of him.

I never heard of him.

In 1923...

1923?

Would you listen?

It all began in early January.

It was a bad day for dogs.

It was a bad day for dogs?

Come on, come on, come on.

Move, move, move, move, git.

Get in there, here.

The big one!

He's getting away.

Get him, get him!

You get him, get him.

I think he's fainted.

Dogs don't faint.

Well, if he hasn't fainted, what do you think he's doing?

Sunbathing?

Let's go in and get him.

Well, Jack, well, wait...

He closed the door.

It says here that new era studios is doing

an Eskimo picture.

Maybe I could get a part, as an Eskimo.

You think this dress is too shabby to wear

to a big audition?

You want the truth?

0h, who cares about a stupid dress anyway.

I'll just win them over with my charm, with my talent,

and my natural elegance.

Now, you're gonna have to lend me bus fare.

I'd love to, but I'm a little short this week.

How much do you have?

Nothing.

Well, I better be going.

Hiya honey, want a lift?

Hey.

Go on.

Scram!

Beat it, honey!

Oh, yeah.

This sidewalk happens to be public property.

Look, you two can't hang around here.

I've got a certain image to uphold for my regular clientele.

Oh yeah?

Hi, Joe.

Good to see you, Joe.

Yeah, don't call me honey.

You stay away from my place!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Gimme! Gimme!

Some friend you are.

Thank you.

Terrific. Thank you.

Good boy. Good boy.

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm your guide today, and my name is Grayson potchuck.

We'll be seeing many of our city's most famous landmarks.

We are now entering the fabulous hills of Beverly,

where most of your Hollywood stars reside.

Now, coming up on our right, ladies and gentlemen,

is the mansion of the fabulous Douglas Fairbanks.

Hi, Doug!

The map says that Al Jolson resides in that mansion.

It does?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, well, they live in it together.

Cuts down on expenses.

Douglas Fairbanks and Al Jolson are roommates?

Perfectly natural.

One sings while the other swings.

Now, folks, you're entering the fantastic new era studios,

home of all those fabulous Philip hart westerns,

and our first stop will be the commissary,

where you will be able to see hart and his horse

actually eating their lunch.

Mr. Hart is here with his agent.

Ms. Battley, I told you never to disturb me

when I'm looking out the window.

Tell him I'm not in.

Where do you get your nerve, telling people you're not in,

when you're standing in the window?

Don't you think people can see you standing in the window?

My head's not that big.

Where the hell is our money?

Philip, baby, I sent you a check last week.

Yeah, well, you didn't sign it.

How many more times you gonna pull that bit?

Look how thin they made my lips.

Ms. Battley, fire the burn who made this poster.

You want thick lips?

I'll give you thick lips.

I'll hire the biggest thick lip man in the business.

Either we get our money, or we go to court.

Court? Court? Court?

Philly, sweetheart, you can't send me to court.

I made you a star.

I bought him a horse.

You bought him a horse?

You leased it.

Well, for tax purposes.

Please, fellas, give me a break.

I'm a nice fella.

Don't send me to court.

Don't sue me, please, please, please.

Excuse me, just a minute.

Hello, who is it?

Oh, Murray.

It's my brother, Murray.

The review of hart's picture was that bad, huh?

Uh-huh.

We're gonna lose how much?

And you guys are gonna sue me.

All right, out, out, out.

You're both fired, out.

You can't fire me.

I'm an agent.

Firing's too good for you.

You deserve death.

What do you mean?

You're not normal.

Wasn't that Philip hart?

Not anymore.

Are you here to serve a summons?

Miss battley, oh, you, again.

Get out of here.

Just, get, get out of here.

Your ideas for movies are stupid, and they stink.

Not this time.

I've got a terrific idea for a film this time.

It'll be a blockbuster.

What's it all about?

It's about a giant shark terrorizing

an entire new england town.

That is the worst idea I have ever heard in my life.

But it's got a great part in it for your big star,

Philip hart.

You're fired.

And one more thing, and I cannot stress this point

too strongly.

Don't ever send me another script in a green cover again.

Don't let that boob up here again.

All right, look.

It's been very lovely spending the day with you,

but right now, I've got a very important interview

with a big director, so you better get lost.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

All right, all right, look.

Here, here, here, here.

Go get it.

Go get it. Go get it!

I'm Estie del Ruth.

I have a two o'clock with stubby stebbins.

Who?

Stubby stebbins, the big director.

Well, what does he look like?

Is he a skinny guy?

Skinny? No.

Why would a skinny guy be named stubby?

Maybe he don't want to be recognized.

Oh.

Just a minute.

Get me stage one.

Listen, sweetheart.

I don't care if he did rape your mother.

And stabbed your father in the back with a tuning fork!

But you still love the guy!

So, for god's sakes, kiss the guy like you loved him!

Not like he was a salmon.

This is Alaska, dammit!

No perspiring!

Cut.

What the hell's going on up there!

Come on, come on, kid.

Get out of the way, get out of the way, I'll get it.

Hello.

Who?

Oh, you mean stubby.

Yeah, just a minute.

Hey, stubby!

There's a dame out there that's waiting for you

at the front gate.

Is she carrying a kid that looks like me?

Is she carrying a little fat, ugly kid.

No, she's carrying on about how you're a big director,

or something.

Mr. Stebbins says you should meet him on stage one.

Thank you, thank you.

Stay, stay, stay.

I don't know him.

He is a complete stranger to me, and,

whatever you do, just don't tell him where I'm going.

I know.

Hey, you got a pass?

Cover for me.

Where's the light?

Who's on that guy?

Hold the snow!

Somebody!

Stop the film, stop the film.

I'm sorry.

Hello, Mr. Stebbins.

Here I am.

Follow me.

I'm head of parson's, gossip columnist

from the Hollywood globe.

Tell me something.

Is it true that you are about to divorce your wife,

and abandon your five children,

to marry a 14-year-old leading lady?

No.

What are we doing in here?

This is my office.

I like an intimate office.

Mr. Stebbins.

How come the guard never even heard of you?

This is a big studio.

How do I know you're really a director?

How do I know you're really an actress?

Well, I was naive enough to come in here, wasn't I?

That's proof enough for me, you know.

Take your clothes off.

You're no director.

You're too subtle.

Okay, I'll prove to you I'm a director.

I'll direct you in a scene.

Scene. What scene?

The nude scene from Hamlet.

There's no nude scene in Hamlet.

He took it out in the rewrite.

Look, Mr. Stebbins.

I want to be a star more than anything in the whole world,

and I'm perfectly willing to do what I have to do,

even if it means, uh, doing it,

but I would only do it, if I could be absolutely sure

that doing it would do it.

Do I make myself clear?

Yeah, you're a pain in the ass.

You're saying goodbye to the girl!

Who let that dog in there?

It's all right for you, but I gotta clean up after.

And you look at him!

Go back up.

Go back up where you came from.

Oh, hello there, doggy.

Sir, pardon me, but I just have the most fantastic idea

for a film.

A little girl gets possessed by the devil.

Wouldn't sell a ticket.

Hey!

Go, go!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Go, hey, hey!

Here, dog. Here, dog.

Here, good boy.

Do you know dogs?

Do I know dogs?

I grew up with them.

A dog gets possessed by the devil.

That was beautiful, what I just saw.

That's what I call a love story.

That made me cry.

Did you ever see me cry?

No, sir, I never did see you cry.

Now, look what you've done.

You know who that was out there?

That was the president out there.

Give me those.

You know what he must think of me?

I could've handled stubby.

He was harmless, for a groping fat rapist.

Would you mind turning round?

Just have to come back another time, that's all.

And the villain is about to violate the virgin,

and the dog who loves her...

Saves her.

Good thinking.

Jumps across fences, and then swims across a lake.

Good, good.

Filled with alligators.

Ridiculous.

No, no, I don't mean alligators.

I mean calibrators.

You see, he's a scientist, and he figures out

where the girl's gone...

Wait a minute, the dog is a scientist?

He could be.

No, no, the juvenile is a scientist.

Right, right, with big, thick glasses.

What about the dog?

Well, he can wear glasses too.

Look, why don't we just, forget about the glasses.

Now, the dog is jumping from one big ice thing,

onto another big ice thing, with a stick of dynamite

in his mouth.

Beautiful, a stick of dynamite...

In his mouth, about ready to explode at any minute...

And then he's running through this forest,

filled with trees, this enormous forest...

Why does he have to run through a forest

filled with trees?

That costs a lot of money.

It doesn't have to be a big forest.

I don't mean a big one.

A small one, maybe two or three trees.

Two or three trees?

Look, here, you could shoot it right here,

on your lot.

Right here on the lot, and I could,

well, that's wonderful, and I could watch.

You told him where I was.

I don't talk to dogs.

Did you find stubby?

Oh, he was an animal.

I thought he was a director.

Same thing, same thing.

Now, then.

Son, I suppose you realize by now that only a genius

could come up with an idea like this.

Thank you.

My idea.

I love it.

Thank you.

The first thing I think we ought to do is to get

every top actor in town to read for the part of the dog.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Hold everything.

What about a real dog?

The public'll buy that.

Brilliant.

Yes, yes, get me that dog that was up here

a little while ago.

You mean, the one, the one we just saw down there

in the winter wonderland set?

The tan dog with the black ears.

With the kind of pointy ears.

That's the one.

My dog.

That's your dog?

Mm-hmm.

Is there anything I can get you?

A cigar, a drink?

A starlet?

They'll all be just fine.

That'll come later.

But first, we have work to do.

Bring the dog up here.

I'd like to have you read for the part.

Where is the dog?

Wait a minute, I didn't lay a hand on her.

Don't hit me.

I'm not her husband.

That's a lucky break for you.

Where can I find her?

I don't know.

I just picked her up in front of the hallway apartments.

She was hitchhiking.

Read this.

You'll love it.

I don't want 'em, so there it is.

Now, just a minute.

There's a bus going by.

All right, look.

Hey, this is as far as you go, all right?

Hey, it's bad enough you ruin my career,

but you're not gonna get me thrown out of my apartment.

Look here, the only reason they even let me in this place

is because the landlord saw me in a play once,

and doesn't consider me an actor.

Get him again!

You will now see the mansion of the world-famous director,

Mr. D.W. Griffith.

Sorry.

Five-minute rest stop.

I've got a bad back, you know?

A bad back.

Estie del Ruth?

What do you want with her?

Stardom.

Stardom.

Apartment 388, and if she's not home, I'll play the part.

If you want me taller, I'll be tall.

If you want me fatter, I'll be fat,

and if you don't like my hair, I got wigs.

Thank you.

Get your clothes on, Norma Jean.

Who are you?

I'm Grayson potchuck, the potential director.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Estie's best friend, fluffy,

the potential actress.

If Estie the dog I saw at the studio?

Hey, I resent that.

She can't be disturbed right now.

She's practicing her walks.

Where's the dog?

I don't know.

If you're speaking about the German Shepherd,

I saw him being dognapped by the dogcatchers

when I came in.

Ah, great Scott.

I need him for a film.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Am I to understand that you want the dog for this part

instead of me?

Do you have any last words?

Why, you!

Stop!

Stop!

That is my dog.

Ah, it's too late.

Father, you must do something.

Screw him.

But I'm a blind man!

You can't kill my dog!

I'm a blind man!

This dog goes.

Now, hold it.

Just a minute.

I'll pay you for him.

Name your price.

You must have a price.

400 bucks.

I'll give you 20.

It's a deal.

Gee wiz.

I seem to be temporarily short of funds.

Could I owe it to you?

Wait.

I have collateral.

Bye, bus.

And then, the dog takes a stick of dynamite in his mouth,

and he leaps, dangerously.

Right, and then,

just before the villain is about to violate

the beautiful virgin...

Excuse me, I don't like you as a dog.

Have him play the love scene for me.

Okay, sure.

Come here, boy.

Excuse me.

Good dog, fido.

Love scene, rover.

Stay!

You are undoubtedly the worse dog trainer

I have ever seen.

I seem to be just in a little bit of a slump.

Oh, I see.

Good dog, spot.

Spot, fido, rover.

What the hell's the dog's name?

What is his name?

Yes.

Well, his name is, all right,

I might as well tell you the whole story.

When I was working on the railroad,

back there in '21, there was this China man,

bit by a rattlesnake right here in the throat.

He lay dying in my arms, and just before he died,

he looked up at me so sadly, and he said.

"You take care of my dog, no matter what happen,

"because he like my very own brother."

Look, I'm not interested in China men.

They don't go to many movies.

What the hell is the dog's name?

Won Ton Ton.

Won Ton Ton.

You told me to inform you the moment Miss Smith arrived.

Thank you, Miss battley.

Tell her I'll be right out.

Very talented girl, this Miss Smith.

Son, I tell you what I'm gonna do with you.

I will pay you $50 a week for each script,

and for training the dog.

Deal.

A bark is born.

We'd better tighten our belts.

Tighten 'em?

We'd better sell 'em.

Well, maybe this producer I'm going out with tonight

will give us some parts.

Who is he?

Is he important?

Who is it?

Oh, it's that dog.

A dog can't knock.

Well, then, somebody's got a hell of a cough.

I knew it.

I knew it was you.

I knew it was you.

All right, fine.

Fine.

All right, come on, cut it out.

You're ruining my makeup!

How did you get this dog to do all those things he did

at the studio?

I don't know!

He's not my dog.

Quit it, quit it.

Well, look at there.

He does exactly what you tell him.

Now, you got to help me train this dog,

because my entire career is at stake.

Your career?

What about my career?

Well, your career is doing terrifically.

You got it made.

What do you do?

I'm an actress.

Perfect. Perfect, she's an actress.

You will help me train the dog.

I will become a famous director,

and then I will make you into a big star.

All right.

Well, I've tried everything else.

Nobody touches this wall till the director

says action.

Now, hear that, everybody.

Nobody's to touch the wall.

Ah, won.

Good.

This is a specially prepared wall.

You can jump right through it.

Wouldn't hurt a fly, chief.

Now, when I say action,

I want you to jump through this wall, won,

run to the closet, look in the closet,

see the girl is not there, and then, run up the stairs.

You got that?

If I'm gonna be a star,

how come I can't even have a part in this picture?

You'll be in my next film.

Will I have a specialty spot?

Honey, you can have whatever you'd like.

Do it.

No, no.

Hold on, not yet.

He didn't say action.

God damned inexperienced actors.

Were you photographing that?

Get me another wall in here.

Okay, everybody.

Now, Burt here is a demolition's expert.

When you get the dog to run out of the hut,

he throws the grenade, and it blows up.

No problem, chief.

Atta boy, Burt. Thank you.

There's j.J. Over there.

If he catches you, pretend that you're a tourist,

trying to get the dog's autograph.

Yes, I still don't see why you can't tell him

you're not really a dog trainer.

Because if he found out that I lied to him,

he might fire me.

The man is unstable.

How dare you send me this script.

I am not going to do the part of a pregnant viking

with amnesia.

You're not?

You would have been perfect.

Soon as the dog leaves, this hut blows up.

All right, all right, time is money, time is money.

All right, sir.

Are you ready?

Sure I'm ready.

Being ready's part of being an expert.

All right, everybody!

All right, boys and girls!

We're ready.

Places, everybody!

Places now!

Dry out the camera, everybody leaves.

Come on, policeman.

Come on through.

Everybody ready!

Roll 'em.

Rolling.

Action.

Come here, dog.

Come here, dog.

Wasn't that stand meant to blow up?

It'll work next time.

Don't worry, chief.

I can fix it.

Okay, now.

What's going on!

Settle down!

We're all professionals!

I liked it.

All righty. Now.

When I say action, you jump in though the window,

you grab the stick of dynamite in your mouth.

Good dog.

And then, you jump out back through the window.

Now, you got that?

No?

What do you mean, no?

He thinks the fuse is too short.

Well, who's the director, him or me?

Now, tell him to get out there.

Come on, come on.

Light the fuse.

And light that dynamite.

It's that yellow thing with the fuse on it.

Thank you, Andrew.

Roll.

Rolling.

Action.

Cue the dog!

Cue the dog!

Cue the dog.

Cue the dog.

Cue the dog.

Cue the dog.

- Cue the dog. - Cue the dog!

Cue the dog!

Where's the goddam dog!

Get him in here!

Cue the dog!

Get him in!

Get him in here!

Cue the dog!

What do you think you're doing?

Cue the dog!

According to you, this is exactly what was going

to happen.

You're a very strange person.

Oh, hi, j.J.

Is this another one of your disasters?

This better be good.

If we lose another dime, they're gonna repossess

yourtoupee.

Don't you worry, Murray.

It's not a toupee.

It looks very natural.

Terrific, sensational, magnificent.

What'd you think, Murray?

This picture'll be the biggest hit

in our company's history.

It'll make a fortune!

Come on, let's go look at the cards.

Look at these.

Beautiful. Wonderful.

Excehent

so-so.

So-so?

I wasn't crazy about it.

You loved it.

I really love this picture, j.J.

This is ridiculous.

This is crazy, the audience loved the picture.

You can hear them laughing.

Their cards are gonna be better than mine.

Well, let's not take any chances, though.

Okay, okay.

Here's one. Here's one.

The most wonderful, the most tender,

the most sensitive picture of all time.

Signed, al Capone.

Ah, come on, this is important to me.

To us.

Boy, you're really something.

Oh, thank you.

It wasn't a compliment, you jerk.

I tell you Murray, this dog is a natural,

and he's never had an acting lesson in his life.

Which makes it all the more uncanny.

And he's not a show business dog.

His parents were just like you or me.

More cards.

No, no, no, Grayson.

No more cards.

It's not necessary.

We are gonna throw everything behind this dog.

It'll be the biggest publicity campaign Hollywood

has ever seen.

We're gonna make this dog another Clara bow.

Evening, america.

How does it feel to really be up there?

I'll bet it does.

Well, this dog is without a doubt,

the greatest dog in the world.

Jump through anything.

Saves everybody.

Go ahead.

Go on.

Cut it!

Cut!

This dog is the biggest star in Hollywood.

I have won ton statues, ash trays, cushions, hats.

Anything you like.

Good dog.

Good dog, won.

Come along now, get your autographs.

That dog is a star.

Good dog.

Would you tell me that one more time?

The dog doesn't like the script.

That's what I thought you said.

He's tired of dynamite, and he's afraid

he's gonna get typecast.

Typecast? He's a dog.

This is true.

He doesn't have script approval.

Sir, look.

If you don't like, go down and talk to him yourself.

Be my guest.

You bet your ass, I'm gonna talk to him.

As long as dynamite keeps making money for us,

we use dynamite, and I'm gonna tell him

in no uncertain terms.

You stay here.

You know, he's got a point.

He's got a point.

We'll change the script.

I still don't see why I can't have a decent part

in this picture.

But, darling, you know that j.J. Has to approve

of every girl in his pictures, and from what I understand,

he already owes more than a hundred parts.

The dog and I don't make another movie,

until I get in to see him.

Oh, that's black mail.

That's right.

Hi, Estie del Ruth.

Mr. Potchuck set up an interview to see if you like me

for this film.

Ah, yes.

Come in, my dear.

Come in.

I've been expecting you.

Ah.

Oh.

Thank you.

I, uh, no.

You're the flame, and I'm the moth.

Ium.

Oh.

Oh, I'm so glad that you like her.

Come on, darling.

We shoot in five minutes.

Pleased, I'm sure.

We did it.

Yeah.

We did it.

Now, Allen'll pick you up, and when you get down there

to that rock, kiss.

- Okay? - Yeah.

Good girl.

Potchuck wanted to go with some idiotic film

about an earthquake in Los Angeles, but I opted

for this baby.

We know what the public'll buy.

That's right.

Action.

Action.

Jump.

Okay, darling.

Kiss him.

Kiss him now.

Where's he going?

What am I, a dog?

Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

Cut!

What the hell's going on here?

You can't bite a cowboy.

It's UN-American!

It's the girl.

She makes the dog nervous.

Get her off the lot, and keep her off.

If I see her on the lot again, you're all fired!

Wait a minute, sir.

Please let me explain.

No explaining fired.

Fired!

You're wanted on the phone.

You're fired, too.

You gotta stop being so miserable.

I don't wanna stop feeling miserable.

It cheers me up.

I've got a little present for you that I think

might make you feel a little better.

What is it?

This.

This is for me?

For us.

And we have a wonderful Butler.

Are you crazy?

Are you kidding me?

I hardly know you.

I'm not moving in with you.

What about separate bedrooms?

I'll do it.

Place must've cost you a fortune.

No.

Actually, it cost won a fortune.

We're subletting it from him.

Uh-huh.

In other words, what you're saying

is that I'm being supported by a dog.

No, no, only momentarily.

This picture that I'm doing now

is going to be a tremendous success.

How do you expect to finish this picture?

Won won't listen to you, and they won't even let me

on the set.

Grayson.

Grayson, are you absolutely certain that the dog

will do this scene for you?

Yes, sir, I certainly am.

All right everybody, we're now ready for the dog

to do his scene.

We're ready everybody for the dog to do his scene now!

Well, j.J.

Thanks so much for coming by.

Sure appreciate it.

Yeah.

It's me!

'Cause we're going way over, way over the budget now.

Here at grauman's,

this is the paw print ceremony for Won Ton Ton.

This dog is going to be immortal.

Tell him.

Won, put your paw in the cement.

It's a tense moment here.

Will Won Ton Ton put his paws correctly into the cement?

The first dog ever to achieve this great honor?

He's doing it!

No, he's missed.

But now it's all right, and Won Ton Ton goes down

in history.

And now, for the most coveted award of the year,

we have with us to present it, the gorgeous

and talented young actress, Miss rhoda flaming.

For the best performance by an actor,

the nominees are Paul lavell for it only happens once,

David Hamilton for it only happens once,

James Crawford for it only happens once,

Richard entwhistle, for it only happens once,

and Won Ton Ton for that special feeling.

The envelope, please.

I'm so nervous.

And now,

and the winner is, won ton ton for that special feeling!

Lucky son of a bitch.

Paul!

Get back to the serving quarter, where you belong.

Congratulations, Won Ton Ton.

This is great honor.

It's that damn girl.

Get her out of here.

She's the one who ruined my film.

You'll never work in this town again.

You'll never work ever anywhere again.

What famous producer-director has been claiming

the credit for the success of what certain big, big star,

when actually, a certain little lady is responsible.

You saw it, huh?

Grayson, I can't take it anymore.

I'm just sick of being the woman behind the dog.

Look, I'll talk to him.

Next weekend, when we go to Santa Barbara.

You've been saying that you're gonna talk to him

for months.

In the meantime, all I get to do is humiliate myself.

But this time, I really mean it.

You promise?

Oh, Estie.

I want you to be happy.

Good dog, good dog.

How come I have to hide in some crumby motel,

while you stay in j.J.'S mansion?

Because if he sees you, then he won't listen to reason,

darling.

Well, it's a rotten break.

You know, he lives right next door to Rudy montague?

I'm sorry, darling.

Even won gets to go.

I don't believe this.

Believe what?

That you're jealous of the dog.

I am not.

What a terrible thing to say.

You know, Grayson, you're making me crazy,

inviting a dog like that to my house for the weekend.

I've got a great idea!

How about for his next picture,

we team him up with Rudy montague!

Now is the perfect time to get him.

He's been feuding with his leading lady.

I don't know.

See, I figure that the audiences are sick and tired

of always seeing Rudy montague playing some kind

of sheikh in the desert, so suppose that we

give the public Rudy montague as somebody

that they can freely identify with!

Like custer.

Custard, the ice cream?

No.

Custer, the general.

And we make won company mascot, and in the end,

he saves him.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Custer got killed at the end.

So what?

You're right.

History's not the Bible.

Then you like it.

What's there not to like?

I thought of it, didn't I?

Rudy montague.

You're really a wonderful person.

One of a kind.

You have more than that indefinable something,

much more, and you were given it for a reason.

No one could have so much without there being a will

greater than normal.

A force bigger than the expected,

but even with all this remarkable talent,

with all this beauty,

you have your problems.

Good day.

Oh, my dear sir, it's nearly three.

The potchuck crowd will be here soon.

I'm almost ready.

That's him, that's him.

He would be tacky enough to be on time.

I'm afraid Mr. Montague has gone out, sir.

But I had an appointment.

One, please.

Your change, madam.

Oh.

He's the best.

Magnificent.

What a performance.

Devastating.

He is the finest actor.

Of all time.

I've seen each of his films five times.

I've seen each one of his films 30 times.

Wow.

You must be his biggest fan.

Unquestionably.

No kidding. 30 times?

Did you ever see him in wandering duck?

But, of course.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

Oh, I don't think so, my dear.

I certainly would have remembered someone

with such a marvelous taste.

What a lovely.

Oh, what do you do, darling?

I'm an actress.

Oh.

What about you?

What do you do?

Me?

Oh, I'm in women's clothes.

Look, we're sitting here, and I don't even know your name.

Uh, java duwet.

Estie del Ruth.

Tell me something, my angel.

Are you the Estie del Ruth has been secretly training

the Won Ton Ton?

While that dreadful potchuck fella takes all the credit?

Tell me true.

How did you know?

That's Hollywood's best kept secret.

You mean, everybody knows?

Well, everybody who's anybody.

But I'm not really a dog trainer.

I'm an actress.

I can act, sing, dance.

Sing and dance at the same time.

Can't we all, my dear.

But I'll never get a chance to prove it.

Nobody'll ever give me a chance.

I'll make you a star, Estie.

Wow.

A chance meeting!

A moment of life that may appear to you!

Can in truth be the start of faith!

Commencement of a moment so important!

Set it on a new course!

A route decided by destiny!

Ajourney high and will lead you upon!

Rudy.

You are Rudy.

Yes.

What else you have to say, Estie?

You made a lovely woman.

Estie del Ruth, your moment has come.

I've been given this extraordinary talent,

in order that I may help others.

You have touched me deeply, Estie.

Now I can help you.

All right, never mind.

Happy birthday.

I'm too old for birthdays, now just forget it.

Fl happy birthday to you

fl happy birthday to you

fl happy birthday j.J. Fromberg

fl happy birthday to you

throw this idiot out of here!

Now then, let's get down to business.

Let me get this straight.

You went to montague, and he's dying to work for you,

but you turned him down?

Now, we are dealing from a position of strength.

He's got to come to us.

Can you believe this guy's nerves?

Excuse me, Mr. Potchuck.

Rudy montague just called.

He said he wants you to come to his house

at your earliest convenience.

He does?

He said to tell you, he wants to do his next picture

with you.

I'm on my way.

To think I just recently called you an idiot.

Mr. Montague didn't call me, did he?

Yes sir, he did.

Holy cow.

Found it rather surprising, you might say.

Upchuck, I presume.

Potchuck, not upchuck. Potchuck.

How would you like to produce my picture, potchuck?

Oh.

Boy, I'd give my right arm.

Goody.

Make sure it's holding $100,000 in it.

Right.

And naturally, I insist upon hand picking

my leading lady.

Oh, naturally.

Whoever you like.

Clara bow.

Norma talmadge.

Darling.

Ah.

Potchuck.

Thank you, my dear.

As I told you, he is the only producer in town

I can work with.

Now, remember, nobody gets into this press conference

without a pass!

The other studios have spies everywhere.

Don't worry, boss.

Anybody looks the least bit suspicious, I'll pounce

on 'em.

Good boy. Now then.

Hi, ladies.

Yes sir, nobody gets by me.

Good boy.

I told you, it'd be a cinch to get in here.

What's the matter?

I'm on the wrong set.

This is not Ben hur.

You got me on the wrong set again.

Every time you get me on the wrong place.

I'm not hollering.

You always do that to me.

- Don't holler. - I'm not hollering.

- Please, don't holler. - I'm not hollering.

- Don't holler. - We'd better get out of here.

Let's get out.

Let's get out.

Oh, it's not my fault, yeah.

Hey, these dames got a mustache!

Yeah, your father's.

Hey, come back here, you guys!

Come here!

Come back here!

You hear!

Hey officer, go get these guys!

Go get 'em!

Come back here!

You're fired!

We, here, at new era studios have brought you here

to witness history in the making.

Stunning, absolutely stunning.

Playing that great American hero, general custer.

I'd like to have you all give a tremendous ovation

to Rudy montague.

Thank you. Thank you.

And starring with Rudy, ladies and gentlemen,

our own and your own, Won Ton Ton.

And last but not least, the little girl

who was pegged as a future star the moment I met her,

a girl who has secretly trained Won Ton Ton

the past two years, but wanted no part of the limelight,

but I personally convinced her that the public

deserved to share her talent.

Here she is now.

Miss Estie del Ruth.

Now then, any questions?

Ms. Del Ruth?

How did j.J. Persuade you to take this role?

Ah, you can thank me for that.

I met this talented and lovely young lady, and I said,

my talent must help bring forth others to the people.

Shut up, will you?

We're interested in her and the dog.

Mr. Montague, I have something to ask you.

Yes.

Would you mind getting out of the way?

I want my cameraman to get a good shot of Ms. Del Ruth

on her own.

Oh, Estie.

What about your rumored romance with Mr. Potchuck, Estie?

Nothing between us.

Matter of fact, I date some of the most beautiful women

in Hollywood.

Does not.

Hello, Nick. Rudy.

Ah, Rudy, how have you been?

It's the fag.

Nick, I've got a job for you.

A hit.

Two people and a doggy.

I'm being upstaged by a doggy.

A doggy?

I never hit a dog before in my life.

I wouldn't know what to charge for a dog.

How about a horse?

I can give you a nice deal on a horse.

Shut up!

Look, Nick, just meet me at my place tonight at eight.

Yes?

On one condition.

What is that?

You ain't wearing a dress.

Now, look, I want you to make yourself comfortable,

see, 'cause it's gonna take me a little while

before I can pick up your ransom, okay?

Now, take care of the office, kid, I'll see you.

And as for you.

Shut up.

So, I come to this role with a wealth of experience

of both art and life.

Faggot.

Can I get you anything, Mr. Montague?

Are you quite comfortable?

If the sun's too hot for you, I'll have it moved.

Oh, hello, Nicky.

This is a breakaway teepee, right?

The dog can jump right through here?

Oh, that's right, j.P.

Stand by, everybody, stand by.

Where is the dog?

We're ready for him.

I'm not gonna go in and get him,

because he almost bit my arm off last week.

All right, all right, I'll get him.

All right, now up there, are you ready?

Up there are you ready?

Okay, now.

This shot, all you have to do is jump

through the teepee and save custer from the Indians.

You got that?

Go on, do what he tells you.

Thank you, sir.

Roll.

Action.

Cue the dog.

Don't worry, baby.

Now, one word from you, and it's curtains.

Loaning a gun to a friend.

That's one thing.

But this is ridiculous.

You were gonna kill me.

I was only kidding.

I surrender.

Hey, hey, hey, where were you when I needed you?

Huh? Where were you?

Here we are at grauman's

for the long awaited premier of custer the brave

and here's j.J. Fromberg, the studio chief

who took Rudy montague from the desert

to the United States cavalry.

Will his gavel pay off?

Here he is!

Here comes Rudy montague!

Rudy! Rudy!

Rudy!

Rudy, could you spare a moment

for the listeners?

Oh well, there goes Rudy montague.

Now, it's Won Ton Ton arriving.

The crowd's going wild.

I can see Estie del Ruth with him.

Leading won through the fans.

The big chance for her.

This girl was a dog trainer for so many years.

Now, starring at last in custer the brave.

You lost your horse, Rudy!

Ride away on it, Rudy!

What do you got in the pot, honey?

They lost the cavalry!

This picture's an insult to our heritage!

He looks very well to me!

This picture can kill the movie business!

And the dog, no biting!

The end? Thank god!

You're fired as the producer,

you're fired as the girl,

you're fired as the boy,

you're fired as the dog,

and you are fired as my brother.

But what will dad say?

Never mind what dad says.

I'll s ue!

You can't come in here at eight o'clock in the morning,

and repossess everything I own!

Next time, pay your bills!

Grayson!

I am a movie star.

I'm a star of the screen.

But she's a star.

I was a movie star yesterday,

and I was a movie star last week.

Star?

Don't tell me, Miss.

I saw the picture.

How about I switch on a classic?

You and fluffy and won,

as the three musketeers,

or Romeo and Juliet.

I don't think starvation agrees with you.

Hey, this could be just the break we need.

Actresses wanted for major Hollywood production.

I think it's going well, don't you?

Ruined. I'm ruined.

Absolutely ruined.

You wrote a wonderful script.

It's awful.

I'm out of the business.

And what camerawork.

What am I gonna do?

Hey, watch your focus.

Out of the business.

There's really nothing to it.

You just close your eyes, and pretend like he's tall,

dark and handsome.

Unless he really is tall, dark, and handsome.

And then, open your eyes, and enjoy yourself, I guess.

We're in luck.

Go ahead.

Here comes one.

Hello, there, big boy.

Want to have a good time?

Half-past eight.

No, no, that's not it.

I, no, I'm a prostitute.

What?

I am a prostitute.

What?

I'm a prostitute!

Won Ton Ton, the dog.

Look, this is for your own good.

We're completely broke.

We can't even feed ourselves, how we gonna feed you?

You're going to like it here.

You'll meet other dogs.

Be with your peers.

Who knows?

You might meet a nice schnauzer or something.

Settle down.

Whatever you want.

Hey, don't worry about me.

I'm gonna get by.

Grayson's been working on a new script.

When he's conscious, and,

I'm gonna eventually get the hang of acting.

It's just like anything else.

It takes practice.

Listen, I'll tell you the truth.

I don't want you around anymore.

I'm sick and tired of looking at you.

Come on. Come on.

Hello, hello.

Hello.

Well, I've been expecting you.

Yes, now look.

You be good to this dog, you understand?

This is the best dog a person ever had.

You got that?

Don't worry.

Dogs are my life.

That's good.

Good. Good.

Come on.

Bye.

Go on.

Enough of that nonsense.

Enough of your nonsense.

You think that hurt?

Well, wait till I get aggravated.

Fix dinner, will you?

Get in here.

I've got an appointment with Mr. Bennett.

On the back lot, Miss.

Action.

Come on, come on.

Hurry up, we haven't got all day.

Jump, jump you fools.

Okay, don't stand there, move, move.

Pick up the pies.

Come on, throw the pies.

Come on, more, more.

Faster, harder.

Cut.

Print it!

Mr. Bennett, Grayson potchuck here.

Can't you see I'm busy, son?

But sir, I've got a fantastic idea for a musical.

You see, this little girl gets caught up in a tornado

and she winds up in this strange land with a scarecrow

and a guy made out of tin.

Wait a minute, potchuck.

Didn't you do that picture with Rudy and the dog?

Right.

Where's the girl that was in that picture?

I've got every casting agent in town looking for her.

You're kidding me.

She's my girl.

Well, go get her, son.

I want to star her in my next picture.

Oh, terrific, she'd be just wonderful as the girl

caught up in the tornado.

Just go get her, huh?

Hey, aren't you the man who made custer the brave?

Yes, sir, I sure am.

You can't do that to him.

He's a visitor here.

Estie, I'm glad to have found you.

You were so funny in custer the brave.

I was?

That I am gonna make you a star.

Mr. Bennett.

Shut up, kid.

Estie, I am going to team you with Richard laeffer.

We're gonna make a special sort of picture, Estie,

suited to your talents.

We're gonna sell it right, and Estie.

I see the final sequence on film, like this!

- It's a hit. - It's a hit.

Darling, you were marvelous.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The picture you have just seen

has just broken all box office records in New York City.

Estie del Ruth, you're a star!

Not only a star, you're a sensation.

You are destined for greatness.

Oh boy, oh boy.

Greatness? Greatness?

Uh, well,

I always thought that I was destined for goodness.

No, no, maybe pretty goodness.

But, greatness.

You deserve it.

We deserve it.

Mr. Bennett, I owe it all to Grayson.

The boy's a genius.

A giant in our industry.

I want him to write and direct my next picture.

Out of the question.

If you want me, you take him.

It's a deal.

Take a bow.

Go on, take a bow.

Hey, you're on.

Come here, come here.

I'll teach you to ruin my bow.

Damn dog, you.

You're through.

Get out of here.

And you'll never work in show business again.

Goddam dog.

You think you'll find him, Miss del Ruth?

We've been looking for a year, now.

Have you and Mr. Potchuck fixed a wedding date yet,

Ms. Del Ruth?

I would like to have won at our wedding.

He's bound to show up sooner or later,

darling.

Have you found him yet, Mr. Potchuck?

Mr. Potchuck, Mr. Potchuck,

I found Won Ton Ton.

Any luck?

I've seen 3,000 German Shepherds, other dogs,

cats, monkeys, and an alligator.

And no Won Ton Ton.

No Won Ton Ton.

A daily sight at Estie del Ruth's beach house

is a line of German Shepherds, each owner hoping

to claim the $5,000 reward for the return of Won Ton Ton.

It's five months since the reward was posted.

Success...

Says Estie...

Is nothing without the dog you love

to share it with.

While audiences all over the world

laugh at Estie del Ruth's smash hit movies,

her heart aches for Won Ton Ton.

A consolation is her new ten-picture deal

with the new Grayson potchuck studios.

Potchuck, the man who found both her and Won Ton Ton...

Excuse me, sir.

There's a gentleman here who says he's an old friend.

G.p. My boy!

Congratulations on your success!

Thank you.

You carry it well.

Now, then, on to bigger and better things.

I want you to know that I have brought you

some of the greatest potential stars of all time.

I must get a room tonight.

I'll list them not in alphabetical order, necessarily.

Snappy, beaver of the north.

Pardon me.

Charise, the wonder cat,

an amazing little pussy.

Phydeaux, squadron watch duck.

Randy raccon of the cavalry!

Who will break wind on cue.

I have many more.

Would you like to see them?

No, no, it's fine.

Fine, Ms. Jackson.

Have this man thrown out.

Oh, wait a minute.

The Coup de Grace.

Bring him in!

Bring him in!

With dynamite in his mouth,

he'll do almost anything on cue, Grayson.

Miss Jackson, get this man a straight jacket!

Estie, Estie, that could have been me.

Grayson, wilt thou take Estie, here present,

for thy lawful wife, according to the rite

of our holy mother, the church?

I will.

Estie, wilt thou take Grayson, here present,

for they lawful husband, according to the rite

of our holy mother, the church?

I will.

Join your right hands.

Get out, get out.

Let me buy you another one, buddy.

A drunken dog.

Go on, get away.

Who sent you, anyway?

Another con man, after the reward?

Go on, get away.

Off you go.

Oh god.

Oh no!

What is it?

Won!

Won, where are you?

Won, where are you?

Won, honey!

I'm sorry!

Where are you?

Won!

I found him!

So happy!

Hi, honey.

Where's Ms. De! Ruth?

Madam is on the beach.

Won!

Where were you?

They found Won Ton Ton.

Wow, what a story?

I can see it now.

Won Ton Ton and Estie del Ruth in the return

of Won Ton Ton.

It'll be the biggest picture ever.

You'll go all over the world,

you'll have everything, fame, fortune, glory.

How did you find him, Miss del Ruth?

No, this isn't Won Ton Ton.

It isn't?

No, just an ordinary dog, and my friend.