Original subtitles

Two minutes, ladies and gentlemen.

The performance will begin in two minutes. Thank you.

Please take your seats immediately, ladies and gentlemen.

The performance is about to begin. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Mr Ron Anderson!

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is important to understand

the kind of damage that physical violence can do to the head.

And Mr Perkins here has kindly volunteered to help me demonstrate.

This, for example...

will do no real damage.

Whereas this...

could result in some minor superficial bruising.

And, of course, this...

will probably break a bone or two.

Whereas...

an iron bar...

will result in certain death, as in this case.

What in the name of arse is going on?

- Yeah, sorry. Touch of hay fever. - Touch of brain damage, I'd say.

You're performing like five kinds of shit tonight. Get out of my sight.

Don't worry, Dex. Everyone has off nights.

Once I drop bloody great stage weight.

Killed two actors. Could happen to anybody.

Yeah. Thanks, Charlie. Thanks.

- How many? - About 30.

Let's do it.

(mimics Fred Flintstone) Wilma!

(mimics Barney Rubble) Sorry, Fred.

- Good evening, Mr Morrow. - Good evening, Dexter.

What a life! Blind, and allergic to his guide dog.

- Evenin'. - How do you do?

Yeah, hello, Dexter. This is Piers. I wanted to ask you a big favour.

Could you poss-

Hello, Dex? This is Piers again. Thought I'd just check.

I think there might be something wrong with your -

Dex, Piers again. Your machine is definitely faulty.

Please ring me back. I need you desperately.

My new number is 735-3...

Is there any water in here?

Try the tap.

Thanks.

Now, speaking of rubber brings me neatly on to our final guest this evening.

That's right. It's old Rubber Face himself.

Please welcome the wacky wonder of the West End, Mr Ron Anderson.

"lots of nuts in every chunky, chewy bite!

- Oh, my God. - Try new Lotsa Nuts.

They'll drive you nutty!

Ah.

Darling!

How is my favourite man?

Oh, well, not great. The television's been taken over by Ron Anderson,

the answering machine's

finally winning its war of attrition against my social life

and the fridge is so full of living things

it looks like the Muppet Show.

You poor sweet thing.

Also there seems to be a naked plumber testing out our toilet facilities.

No, no, that's George.

I think he's rather sweet. Must get some provisions.

I'd be careful. I'm telling you...

there's a piece of cheese in there that's actually grown ears.

- George, this is Dexter. - Hi.

Hi.

Oh. Sorry.

Hay fever season again.

Dexter's allergic to everything to do with the summer.

Except "The Beach Boys".

I thought we were out of orange juice.

- Shouldn't you have some injections? - I should, but I can't stand them.

If it was a choice between rabies and having an injection...

I think I'd give rabies a try.

It's all in the mind, anyway.

What you need, sweet one, is a lovely girlfriend.

You used to know lots of gorgeous girls. Why don't we have one of them round?

Because I never liked any of 'em.

Happy?

Pump me... Pump me, Mr Petrol!

It's called "Birth of the Earth Mother".

I am not drunk!

'Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the house

Not a creature was stirring,

Not even a mouse.

- You've come about the hay fever? - That's right.

I want to really crack it this year.

Excellent.

Do you mind if Dr Karabekian sits in with us?

- No. Not at all. - Excellent.

Now, Mr King is allergic to pretty well everything.

Dust, dust mites, most grasses, cats, dogs, feathers.

- What do you suggest? - Some sort of psycho-nasal therapy?

I think we'll stick to the straight and narrow.

If you give this to the nurse, we'll start the injections tomorrow.

Ah. Yes. Um, Doctor?

I was wondering if there was any alternative to the shots.

I mean... really. I just hate the things.

- May I ask why? - Well... because they hurt.

- They hurt? - Yeah. They do. Ow.

Oh, very well. I'll give you tablets instead.

Perhaps sometime Mr King would like to come in

and discuss the psychological reasons why he hates shots.

No. Really, it's just because they hurt.

The thought of somebody sticking something into me drives me crazy.

I think the sooner we talk about this phobia, the better.

It's not a phobia. It's just that I hate the damn things.

That's the definition of a phobia.

- Do you have a girlfriend, Mr King? - No, as a matter of fact I do not.

Ah.

Excuse me... wait a sec, wait a minute.

There's nothing suspicious about it. I just happen to hate injections,

in the same way that some people hate aeroplanes or spiders

or having electrodes attached to the scrotum.

- Tragic. - Ah.

I think the sooner you come back, the better.

Thanks.

But no, thanks.

Look, we're a train.

Could you hold this for a minute?

No worry, nurse. The patient is taking pills instead of injections. Who's next?

- I think I saw Mrs Cartwright waiting. - Oh, God, yes. Poor thing.

- Thanks. - You're very welcome.

Don't mention it, your Royal Highness.

You can get your pills at the dispensary.

Whoo, whoo!

Ah, Mrs Cartwright. Do take a seat.

Tell me, has any of the hair started growing back yet?

On second thought, Doctor, hey, I mean a few little pricks never hurt anybody.

- Carmen? - Dexter!

- Something incredible's happened. - What's that?

- I've fallen in love. - Who with?!

- She's a nurse. - Well, it's a good start.

But... what am I going to do? I mean...

The last time I really went for anybody I was wearing flared trousers.

You must behave like a real bastard. Men fall into two categories.

Wet and keen, or bastards. The bastards always get the girls.

- How do bastards behave these days? - Really badly.

Take her out to dinner, bonk her to within an inch of her life,

then never ring her again.

You think that's the correct procedure?

Hell, yes, if you want true love.

Look, can we get on?

Oh.

- How do I look, Mr M? - Excellent. Never seen you look better.

Never seen him at all.

Come on, you mean bastard. Come on.

- It's hay fever, isn't it? - That's right.

Good. Could you roll up your sleeve, please?

It's going to hurt... now.

There we are. Come back in a week.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Did you ask her? - Not as such.

I suddenly felt overawed by her uniform.

Under the circumstances, asking her if it would be ok if I...

bonked her within an inch of her life...

seemed... an oddish thing to do.

Yes. Pity about that. Uniforms always make me keener.

- Don't they, Inspector? - Certainly do, ma'am.

Still, next week, eh?

Yes, yes. No, I reckon next week for sure.

Now listen, I've sized up the strength of the enemy forces.

Next week I go for first strike, all-out victory.

Sleeve.

Bye.

Bye.

I mean, Jesus H Candlesticks,

four weeks of injections and all I've managed are...

two "hellos" and one "sorry I'm late".

Come on, it's not so difficult.

Practise it with me. I'm your nurse. Come on.

OK. Uh...

- Do you want to go out to dinner? - Yes please.

I think she might put up a little more resistance.

Oh, OK, OK.

- What are you doing? - I'm playing hard-to-get kind of chick.

OK.

- Do you want to go out to dinner? - Hm...

Yes please, Mr Sexy. OK, let's do it now!

- Much harder. - You see? And if still you have trouble,

do what I do, you know? Like, tell her you're a big West-End star, chat her up.

The lights, the celebs, the smell of the greasy paint...

Hey, hey, that's a thought.

If you do not get this woman, you are a mouse, not a man.

Say, are you a fan of, uh... Ron Anderson's?

Who?

- Squeak. - Scalpel.

Clamp.

My God!

- What is it, sir? - Well, this is extraordinary. Look.

We have a ribcage...

kidney... spleen...

but absolutely no spine.

You mean the patient's... spineless?

That's right. Utterly and totally spineless.

I know. I know.

I know!

Carmen!

Carmen, what am I going to do?

I've been going for seven weeks now. I don't even know her name.

- You'll have to have more shots. - No!

Yes. Say you're going on holiday.

Some of these African places need hundreds of injections.

- That's right, isn't it, Bernard? - Um, yes, it is.

He's shy. A few more jabs, you'll get the nerve.

No! It's ridiculous.

She's a nurse. It's not like I'm making a pass at Mother Teresa.

- I quite fancy Mother Teresa. - Bernard!

I mean, all I have to do is say, "Do you want to come to dinner?", right?

Absolutely. Then shag her till her ears drop off.

- Well, it's along those lines. - Not too much to expect from Superman.

Exactly! The time for hesitation's through.

I...

Screw Africa too! I walk in there, say, "Baby, I dig you the most."

Right. Screw Africa!

- Morocco? - That's right.

Why do you want to go there?

Why?

Oh, jeez, lots of reasons.

I think Joe Orton used to go there to pick up little boys.

Course, that's not why I'm going there. I hate little boys.

Well, not hate them. I mean, I just don't feel strongly about them.

I believe the climate... is excellent.

Very good linen goods.

And they have a festival, I think, around this time of the year.

- Colourful costumes, that kind of thing. - When are you off?

Not for quite a while!

As long as it takes for us to get this series of shots done.

Oh, it's not really a series. I can give you all five today.

Five? Today? Not come back?

Mm-hm.

It would be six, but polio's just a sugar lump now.

And then there's gamma globulin, tetanus,

cholera, typhoid and TB.

And at the moment we're recommending yellow fever as well.

- Oh, well, that would be six, then. - Now, which arm don't you need?

- I'm going to lose an arm? - No, which arm do you use least?

I use them both. I mean, you know, even when I'm walking. See? Look.

No, no, no. No! Uh...

The thing is... the thing is...

all these weeks I've been coming here I've been wanting to ask you something.

What I really want to know... is...

- What's your name? - Kate... Lemon. It's a horrid name.

No, not at all. It could have been worse.

You could have been called Hitler or Tampon or something.

- Kate, we need you. A cardiac. - OK. Sorry. I'll be back.

Tampon? No, no!

God, take my testicles and fry them up with bacon!

Mr King! Hello!

Nurse Lemon's been detained a little while, I'm afraid.

So I'm going to stand in for her, if that's all right with you.

- Are you sure you're qualified? - Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

I'm really getting the hang of all this now.

There we are. There.

Right. Now then...

Ah!

Oops. Sorry. Never mind.

Right.

- We call this a wide-bore needle. - Wide-bore?

Yes. Big needle. It's got to go right through into the muscle, you see.

- First of all it's a little prick. - No!

And then it builds up, you see,

into a sort of massive golf ball of serum under the flesh.

- Very effective. - Yeah!

- Ow! - I'll be very careful with it,

because one slip, an air bubble, and voilà, instant death!

Voilà? Ow!

Don't worry. Almost the worst over with.

Almost the worst?

The nurses call this one Big Ben, apparently.

Now then... Ooh, I must get it on the right part of your arm, mustn't I?

Let me see. There we are!

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow! Ow!

There we go.

Ow! Ow!

They say the real experts do it without even looking.

Don't you try! Ohhh... Ow!

And finally... the sugar cube.

Open.

Oh, Mr King, if you do suffer an extreme reaction -

a frothing fit or a massive neural shutdown - don't worry.

- I'm sure someone'll bring you in. - That's very comforting.

That's all part of the service. Goodbye, Mr King.

- Goodbye. - Bye.

Bye.

♪ Life in the Vatican is fun, fun, fun

♪ When you're a dancing nun, nun, nun

Come in.

Listen, Dexter, is there something troubling you?

Something you want to talk to someone about?

Well, yeah, actually, as a matter of fact there is.

Then for fuck's sake talk to someone about it, will you?

And sort it out before I sack you

and hire a lobotomised monkey to play your role, OK?

Thank you, my friend.

The moment you called, I thought...

"This is it. This is it!

"I haven't known what my life is about.

"I have nervous breakdown after nervous breakdown.

"Now suddenly, everything is going to fall into place...

"with the man on the end of this telephone."

Yeah, well... I just thought I'd give you a call.

And thank God you did...

Mr Petrol.

If I tell you something... confidential,

will you keep it a secret?

Yeah... Yeah, I guess so.

I'm not wearing any underwear.

Ah.

- Are you sure that's wise? - Screw wisdom! Who wants to be wise?

Well, the Dalai Lama, to name but one.

Will you excuse me for one second? I've... I have to go to the bathroom. OK.

Idiot!

Why? why?

Fuck!

- Hi. - Hello.

Hey, let's, uh, let's hit the road.

It's what I like about you. You're so impetuous.

There you go. Come on.

It's inside out.

- Right. There we go. - Your bill, sir.

- Yes, sir. - Nice to get to sunny Morocco.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

- You're going to Morocco? - Yeah, that's right, I am.

Isn't that where a man goes to pick up young boys?

That's right. It's a top spot for sodomy.

I'm sorry, the two of you haven't been introduced.

- This is Miss... Mrs...? - Kate.

- Yes. Kate Tampon. - Lemon.

- Kate Lemon, this is Tamara. - Magovitz. For the moment, at least.

- Oh, are you two...? - Well, you know.

- Great. - Great...

Great. Come on, lover boy. Let's go singing in the rain.

Bye.

Of course I had other men. Of course I had.

Hundreds of them. I wouldn't be human if I hadn't.

But you know,

even in their arms,

even with their enormous manhoods

pushing me, pushing me towards unbearable ecstasy,

I've often thought...

Dexter King.

Dext, my Petrol Man.

He's the one for me.

Have you ever thought about me like that?

Will you excuse me one minute?

Excuse me. Have you seen a nurse just come in?

No.

Excuse me. You haven't seen that nurse with...

an orange raincoat, orange lipstick, orange earrings, orangeish hair?

- You mean me? - Yes.

You'll have to be quick.

Some poor old man's expecting my hand...

up his bottom, and I hate to disappoint the old folk.

Would you like to come out to dinner with me?

- Why? - "Why"?

- Yes. Why? - Well,

I, uh... was thinking of taking up nursing.

- You want to become a nurse? - Yeah. That's right.

I, uh... want to be a nurse.

My whole family... it's a family tradition.

My grandfather...

I thought maybe we could have more time to discuss it over dinner.

No, thanks. I really get enough of nursing round here...

without discussing it in my spare time. Excuse me.

Ah. Yeah.

I mean, you know, if you'd asked me out because you thought I was pretty,

or nice, or anything like that, it probably would have been a good idea.

But since it's just a professional enquiry...

- it's probably best kept short. - Right.

I do think you're pretty.

And nice... as well.

See you here at six tomorrow, then.

- I don't get free till 10.30. - OK. I'll see you at 10.35, then.

- Oh... what about your fiancée? - I hate her.

OK. And what do you do that keeps you up so late?

- I'm an actor. - But not a very good one, eh?

Morocco?

Ha!

I love this stuff. So mild!

No matter how many times you use it, your hair's still dirty.

If you ever do anything funny in my show again, you elongated droplet of dung,

you're out, do you hear me? F-u-c-k-e-d. Out.

See, this is the Ron Anderson you don't hear about.

You've got a big one of these.

- Hello. - Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

No, it's all right. I just got here this second.

Oh, good, good.

Well, so what do you want to do? Camden has everything from traditional English

to a very good new Greek-Indian restaurant called Zorba the Buddhist.

Truth is, I'd really like to go home.

It's been a very hard night and I'm just suddenly terribly tired.

Oh...

OK. Not even a drink?

I can offer you anything from Malibu to something drinkable.

No, thanks. I think I'd just fall asleep.

I'm sorry if it sounds like a feeble excuse.

No, that's fine. I've heard worse.

Look, I'd love to sleep with you tonight,

but unfortunately my flatmate's really depressed

and if I don't go back she'll commit suicide.

Also, I'm thinking of becoming a nun.

- Maybe some other time. - Yeah.

Going to walk me home, or shall I get murdered on my own?

No, no, no, my pleasure.

Do you know lots of people called Tampon?

What?

Oh! No.

Although I did once know somebody called Maturinbed.

- Really? - Yeah. Suresh Maturinbed.

He was Indian. Whenever anybody would meet him in school,

they'd say, "Are you mature in bed?"

And, of course, you know, he'd have to say, "Yes, I am."

But, see, it did turn out all right in the end, because apparently...

he was a really great lay.

I love this hill.

- Oh, oh... is this where you live? - Mm.

Don't be deceived by the grim exterior.

It's a good deal grimmer inside.

No, no, no, it's, uh... it looks nice.

Looks nice.

Look, there is just one thing I'd like to make clear,

to avoid any embarrassment later.

I'm sure you know that just because you take a girl out to dinner

it doesn't mean she's got to go to bed with you.

No, no.

Absolutely. I'm not... Oh, my God.

Absolutely not. No!

Yeah, well, the thing is I'm not the sort of girl who believes in that.

I think it's much better to go to bed with the person on the first date...

to get it out of the way.

There's no point in our having ten expensive dinners...

if I already know I like you.

Oh.

So, um... I'm off all day tomorrow, so why don't you come round?

Oh, that... that'd be great.

And when I say "great", you know, I mean... great.

Good.

Night-night.

I like your jacket.

Hi. Come in.

Green and orange are my favourite colours.

- Orange particularly. - Yes.

Sorry about last night. I was very tired.

I'm less tired now.

- I'm not tired either. - Great.

Two people... alone... in the middle of the afternoon...

and not tired.

Ideal circumstances for Scrabble.

Orange particularly.

Oh. Sorry.

- What's going on down there? - It's the feathers.

What feathers? I haven't got any feathers.

The feathers in the duvet. I'm allergic to feathers.

God... God, you ridiculous person!

Ow!

That was...

wild.

Oh, that was a wild thing.

And thank God.

Because to top all the fun, I think you've missed your show.

- Fancy a fuck, big boy? - No, thanks. Just had one.

Get off.

Get... off.

How dare you improvise, you diminutive Mediterranean moron?

And as for you, Daddy-Longlegs,

I've been waiting for this moment...

ever since I first made the mistake of hiring you.

You're both fired. I give you a week's notice.

A week?!

All right, a day, then. Tonight's your last night.

You can't do that. I demand to talk to the producer.

I am the producer.

In that case, you can do that.

But I'm not going to give you the satisfaction of sacking me. I resign!

Good. In that case, you get no severance pay,

and I sue your arse for breach of contract.

In that case, I don't resign, you total and utter bastard.

I hope all your children have very small dicks!

And that includes the girls!

Well, as you probably all know, this is Dexter's last night.

And I've got to get away at the end of the show

so I thought we'd have the party in the interval.

Dex has been with the show from the very beginning,

and I know that some of you... some of us...

are going to miss him.

We wish him the best of luck

in everything he chooses to do in the future.

- And the same goes for, er... - Charlie.

Charlie, who's been with the show for...

- Five years. - Five... five years.

- Anne, have you got the Champagne? - Yes.

- To Dexter's future. - To Dexter's future.

Mmm.

- What happened? - I got sacked.

Sacked?! Oh dear.

That's terrible!

God, and all for just a one-night stand.

- A one-night stand? - Well, one-afternoon.

Oh, God.

You are going to be so easy to tease.

♪ "It Must Be Love" by Madness

♪ I never thought I'd miss you

♪ Half as much

♪ As I do

♪ And I never thought I'd feel this way The way I feel...

- Hey, Mr M. - Morning, Dexter.

♪ As soon as I wake up

♪ Every night, every day

♪ I know that it's you I need

♪ To take the blues away

♪ It must be love, love, love

♪ It must be love, love, love

♪ Nothing more, nothing less

♪ Love is the best

- What are these? - My pyjamas.

If you wear them again, I leave you instantly.

No, no. These are great.

They're not great. Look, they're so baggy you could fit two people in them.

Bullshit. They're great.

See?!

♪ As soon as I wake up

♪ Every night, every day

♪ I know that it's you I need

♪ To take the blues away

♪ It must be love, love, love

♪ It must be love, love, love

♪ It must be love, love, love

♪ It must be love, love, love

♪ It must be love, love, love...

I've got to go to work.

- Wait a minute. I'll keep you company. - OK.

- How long have I got? - About 12 seconds.

Wait, wait, wait!

I guess it's important not to be late.

No. We don't both want to lose our jobs.

Right. Still, there's more to life than

being hit in the face with an iron bar six times a week, plus matinees.

Absolutely.

- Mind the tree. - What tree?

So what are you doing in a job like that anyway?

It's the only thing I could get.

You know, life isn't that easy for tall American actors in London.

The year I got Ron's show,

the only other thing I'd had was playing Abraham Lincoln

in a series of advertisements for muffins.

- My career wasn't like a torpedo. - Well, Ron noticed you were brilliant.

No, he knew I was cheap.

The show was supposed to last for six weeks. It's run for six years.

And at the end I was still earning less per week

than the Coke machine in the dressing room.

Hang on one sec.

Listen, are you going to be able to get another job?

Oh yeah, listen, I hope so. I've got a very powerful agent.

Good. Going out with an actor's bad enough.

If I'm going to be saddled with an out-of-work actor... shoot me now.

Absolutely not. I shall take action this very afternoon.

Good.

I should tidy yourself up a bit first.

Oh.

Oh, hello, Mr King. Take a seat. I'm sure Mary will be with you in just a minute.

Mary says you should have a look at these scripts.

The Spielberg looks very interesting, but the Woody Allen is just a cameo.

Hm. Thanks.

Mr Pinter asked you to look at this, and this is one from Arthur Miller.

But Mary doesn't think it's as good as the Stoppard one.

Thank you very much.

Mary says why don't you look at this? It's for Shake'n'Vac.

You're the Tall American.

The thing is, my darling boy,

it's such a long time since you've been out on the market.

Well, maybe that makes me a novelty.

I don't know about that. 73% of actors are unemployed.

- And yet Roger Moore's still in work. - Yes. It's a dark and mysterious world.

Suppose I could get you an audition with Berkoff. He's doing a new play.

"England, My England".

That's good. Yeah, let's go for that.

Fuck off!

Fuck off yourself! And the same goes for your friend!

Fuck off!

You fuck off.

He said he thought you lacked anger.

Oh, I don't know, I was pretty pissed off by the end.

Yes, I think he's probably insane.

There are a couple of parts coming up at Granada.

Not big, but at least it's telly.

Sounds fine to me.

Well, let's give it a read through, shall we? Page 26.

I'll read in Bob's part, OK?

Right. I'm driving along.

It's raining hard.

Vicious, dark, grey rain.

Suddenly I spy someone.

I jam on the brakes with my foot,

I wind down the window, and...

"Excuse me. Is this the right road for Cirencester?"

- "Aye, it be." - "Thanks."

Good, Dennis. Excellent.

Could you try it with a little more mystery?

Well, the only other thing at the moment is a new musical the RSC are doing.

- Well, what's it about? - The Elephant Man.

A musical of The Elephant Man? What's it called?

"Elephant", I think. With an exclamation mark, presumably.

I just pity the poor bastard who has to play the elephant.

Remember, dearest, everyone thought Jesus Christ Superstar was a stupid idea.

Jesus Christ Superstar was a stupid idea.

True!

But, uh... I've got to get something,

or else my girlfriend the nurse may begin to sleep with other men.

OK, let's check these arms again, because it's not quite right.

Let's go from here.

One, two. Turn. Three, four and five.

♪ London, city of sin London, the town we grew up in

♪ Just one great big loony bin London

Yeah... someone's singing a bit flat. Can you all just give me a G?

♪ La.

- ♪ La - ♪ La

- ♪ La - ♪ La

- ♪ La - ♪ La

♪ Baaaaaa

- Mr King? - Oh, yes. Listen, I'm really sorry.

I guess I'm a little out of practice. Pathetic, actually. Grotesquely awful.

My voice. And maybe I'm catching a little cold...

Not at all. In fact, Dexter, we'd like a little word with you about something.

Perhaps we could step in here. A little more private.

- The thing is, Dexter... - Yeah?

We've been watching you very carefully.

And, well, we think...

- Do you want to say it, Marc Antonio? - Oh, no, no. Go ahead. You say it.

- We think... - Excuse me.

We think we'd like to -

Oh, for God's sake, can I please have privacy for one moment?!

Sorry, Gavin.

What I'm trying to say is...

we'd like to audition you for a very large part indeed.

- In this musical? - You see, the thing is,

we feel you have exactly the quality of

awkwardness and vulnerability that we're looking for.

Yes, you're a victim. That's what we need.

You're someone life has crushed, and ground into a pulp.

Jeez. Yeah, I still don't follow you.

Of course, it would require a massive amount of makeup.

Ah.

- We're going to be rich, rich, rich! - Comparatively.

Oh, my God! The first night. What am I going to wear? I have nothing.

- Who'll I get to take me? - I will, if you like.

Don't be so stupid. You're a total beardy weirdy.

Hey, you know, I've got to get through rehearsals first.

Rehearsals, reschmearsals!

We all know that acting is the easiest job in the whole world.

Don't pretend it's going to be difficult.

Well, well, I'll have to learn my lines,

get the makeup right.

It's sometimes very difficult to know which door to come through.

I'm Jane Highworth and I'm in charge of costume.

I'm Max Fairford and I'm playing the circus barker.

I'm Dexter King. I'm playing the Elephant Man.

I'm Timothy Hall and I'm going bald,

which is probably why I'm playing Dr Treves.

I'm Cheryl Heinz and I'm playing Lady Cranbrook.

And you all presumably know me.

I'm Gavin, and I'm your director.

Right, so I think we might as well jump in the deep end,

and start with a sing-through.

♪ Fog! Fog!

♪ What a dreadful fog!

♪ Egads, milads

♪ It's a real peasouper

Two, three, four, one.

♪ Who knows what secrets

♪ This darkness hides?

♪ Who knows what horror

♪ May lurk inside?

Before you all disappear, everyone, 9.30 tomorrow morning, please, for a warm-up.

9.30. Thank you.

I have a very large nose, and I sniff a hit!

I saw you in Ron Anderson's show. I thought you were lovely.

It can't be easy being a straight man.

All I had to do was say my line, really, and get punched in the face.

- You shouldn't put yourself down. - No, no. It was really that easy.

The part could have been very fully realised by an umbrella stand.

Well, I also think you're going to be wonderful in this.

Thanks. It's my first time as an elephant.

You're very funny, aren't you? I like funny people.

Are you married?

No.

- My girlfriend's a nurse. - I see.

- Well, see you tomorrow, Dexter. - Yes.

♪ Bin...

♪ Bin...

- Good night. - 'Night.

- ♪ London, city of sin... - How was it?

It was good. It was good. It's not Mozart...

- Any hits, do you think? - Oh, well...

There's that ballad called "Packing My Trunk" which I think could be very big.

Very big. You look tired. How was your day?

Not great. Emergency's always pretty grisly.

A woman I was with gave birth to a baby in a lift.

That was OK, huh?

Well, it would've been.

But her husband slipped on the afterbirth and broke his collarbone.

Holy cats.

♪ Take a deep breath

♪ Prepare for the worst

♪ The ugliest man

♪ In the universe

Right, once more. And remember, the man is hideous!

Come on. Let's get going. Opening positions. Come on. From the top!

Yeah, I heard that's true. Weird.

What about the actresses? Fallen in love with any of them yet?

Absolutely not. All actresses are barking mad.

You know, it's the first law of psychiatry.

You look up Freud, the actual definition of "mad" in Freud

is "anyone who has appeared on a stage and is female".

Absolutely not. Actresses!

Ha. I like it when you lie.

♪ Roll up! Roll up! As quick as you can

♪ He looks like an elephant And talks like a man

♪ Roll up! Roll up! The tent is busting

♪ Here he comes! Mr Disgusting!

Wrong door, Dexter!

- OK, from the top again. - OK, back from the top.

Tell me about the first-night party.

Are there going to be lots of famous people there,

and am I going to feel stupid?

Well, no, no and... no.

It's going to be a nightmare. Really!

Hundreds of people crammed in that backstage!

It's going to be like happy hour in the Black Hole of Calcutta.

Who's going to be there?

Well, you know, everybody. Gavin, the director, the producer,

everybody from the cast,

Timothy, Cheryl, uh...

Cyprus Charlie, who I've managed to get in the company as my personal dresser.

Oh.

If we're profoundly unlucky, even Ron'll be there.

Good. Oh, good. I'll put on lots of orange and flirt with him.

Don't you dare. As soon as he fancies somebody,

he starts coming on with stories about his great pals Charles and Di.

It's totally revolting.

He uses the Queen and her kin as a sexual lubricant.

Well, listen, I've got to do something,

because everybody's going to be telling you how wonderful you are.

I can just see it. "The most moving elephant I've ever seen."

I don't think so... I don't think so.

♪ Somewhere

♪ Up in heaven

♪ There's an angel

♪ With big ears

♪ An angel

♪ With big ears!

And...

curtain!

Well.

What can I say?

The entrances are pathetically sloppy.

The first half is mind-bendingly slow.

Nobody seems to have the faintest clue what their lines are.

But it's a bloody masterpiece.

And, to reward you all for being so totally wonderful,

Olé!

I'll definitely see you tomorrow. Good night.

- Good night. - Good night.

See you tomorrow.

You realise I'm falling in love with you, Mr Dexter King?

Yeah...

It's probably not a good idea.

Love knows not good or bad, but runs wherever the wild heart leads.

Not a good idea because you've got a girlfriend?

Yeah.

Well, I've got a husband.

Is he, um...

Is he, uh...

Is he nice?

He's lovely.

Much nicer than you.

Much... much nicer.

Oops.

Sorry.

I'm pooped.

That's fine, that's fine. I'm pretty pooped myself.

Well, here we are, on the stage of the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane.

where tomorrow sees the long-awaited opening of "Elephant"

the first ever musical

to dare to come face to face with the subject of elephantiasis.

"Are you enjoying your new room, John?"

"Yes, thank you, Doctor. It's quite beautiful. Quite quite beautiful."

"Excellent. Hello, Matron." "Hello, Doctor."

"Everything all right, Matron?"

"Yes, thank you, doctor. How are you, John?"

- "Excellent, Matron, excellent." - Good. Again.

Morning, Mrs Heinz. Hope you break a leg tonight.

Thank you, David.

Morning, Mr Hall. Hope you break a leg tonight.

Thank you, David.

Morning, Mr King. Hope you -

- Good luck for tonight. - Thank you, David.

Have you got the card?

Perfect!

Come in.

- Mrs Heinz. - Oh, thank you, David.

Wonderful.

Oh. Oh! Thanks.

Good evening, Dr Treves. Delighted to meet you.

Good evening, Dr Treves. Delighted to meet you.

Good evening, Dr Treves. Delighted to meet you.

♪ Loony bin...

Act One beginners call.

This is your Act One beginners call, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

♪ I'm in a stinky show I'm in a stinky show

No, no. No, no.

OK. Here we go.

OK, so I'll wait with the bag.

Are you ready, Mr Hall?

Perfectly.

One minute to curtain up. Thank you.

Shh! Be quiet!

Thanks, Mike.

Beginners in position. The curtain is about to rise.

Thank you. How kind. I've never had a toothpick of my own before.

Appendectomy!

- This is Frank. - Hello.

Very sexy, very stupid.

Go, smoke one...

Go, smoke two... Go, smoke three...

Oh, my God. This is it. Go, Dexter, go!

Requiem.

Requiem aeternam.

Cut smoke. Thank you.

♪ Fog

♪ What a dreadful fog

♪ Egads, milads

♪ It's a real peasouper

♪ Who knows what secrets

♪ This darkness hides?

♪ Who knows what horror

♪ May lurk inside?

- ♪ Roll up, roll up, it's compulsive - ♪ Roll up! Roll up!

♪ Roll up, roll up, he's repulsive

- ♪ Roll up! Roll up! - ♪ I hear he's strange as Halley's Comet

♪ I hear he makes you want to vomit

♪ Roll up, roll up, it's compulsive Roll up, roll up!

♪ If you think I'm strange

♪ A lady with a beard

♪ Take a look over there

♪ He's really weird!

♪ Roll up! Roll up! As quick as you can

♪ He looks like an elephant And talks like a man

♪ Roll up! Roll up! The tent is busting

♪ Here he comes! Mr Disgusting!

♪ Take a deep breath

♪ Prepare for the worst

♪ The ugliest man

♪ In the universe

♪ I don't know How to reach him

♪ He's so distant Like a priest or a monk

♪ And just when I think he's staying...

♪ I find out

♪ He's packing his trunk.

♪ He is a real man

♪ Not an elephant!

♪ Can he make it?

♪ No, he can't!

♪ Up soars his soul

♪ Fleeing this world of tears

♪ Somewhere

♪ Up in heaven

♪ There's an angel

♪ With big ears

♪ An angel

♪ With big ears!

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Cheers.

Thank you very much.

- Hey, Charlie. Nice tux. - Thank you, Dex.

I've spotted a woman. She is like a hungry leopard in full blossom.

Do you think I stand a chance?

I mean, after all, I am only a landlady.

Yeah. Possibly, possibly.

Darling, this is Mary Simmons, Dexter's agent.

Very touching.

- And, er... - Kate, Kate.

This is my wife Cheryl.

Hello. I thought you were really good. Well done!

Thanks very much. Darling!

- Are you OK? - You were wonderful. Wonderful.

- Hi. - Thank you. Hi.

Thank you. Good.

Sorry I'm so late. Had some rather special guests at my show tonight.

It's difficult to tell the heir to the throne to bugger off

because you've got a party to go to.

Hello, Dexter. The word on the street is that your makeup is just excellent.

Well, what next?

- Shakespeare. - Oh, yes.

Back to the bosom of the Bard.

Yes. It's a musical, based on Richard III, called Dirty Dick.

Any hits?

Well, there's one called...

"I've Got a Hunch I'm Gonna be King" that's sounding pretty good.

I mean, it's so damn confusing.

One day you're bowing and calling him Your Highness, and the next...

you're blind drunk and trying to stick a toasted crumpet down his trousers.

So anyway, I said to him "Where should I send it to?"

And he said "Just stick 'Buckingham Palace' on the envelope. It'll get to me."

- ♪ I've got a hunch I'm going to be king - ♪ Doo-bi-doo

♪ I'm Dirty Dick and killing's my thing

Gadzooks!

Excuse me. You were... brilliant.

- You were just... brilliant. - Thank you very much.

All right. Lovely.

Thank God that's over.

- You were very good. - Ah.

Although, look at this...

I think people could have been a little more original with the presents.

Six Babars, three Dumbos and two Celestes.

But wait, I'll show you something. Look at this.

You want to see odd? A pig.

What is the pig person thinking about?

Well, maybe they'd run out of elephants.

There you go. Maybe so.

- What are you doing? - I'm packing a case.

Why are you doing that?

Because I'm leaving here and I'm not coming back.

What? What? Why?

Because you've been having an affair with that lady, Cheryl.

If you try and deny it, it will be very grim.

It's true, isn't it?

It's not an affair.

Ah.

Who told you?

Um well... she did, really. Tonight, while we were at the party.

Because you went up to her, and you handed her a drink.

And, um... she didn't say thank you, or... she didn't even smile.

She just took it.

You've got to know somebody very well indeed for something like that to happen.

It's an act of collusion.

And also, now I come to think of it,

whenever you mention her name you pause, worried you've given something away.

Gavin, the director, the producer,

everybody from the cast, Timothy, Cheryl, uh...

Cyprus Charlie, who I've managed to get in the company as my personal dresser.

Those were your only clues?

You said you liked me because I was clever.

Anyway, I'm sure we'll meet again next time you plan to go to Morocco.

No. This is stupid. I mean, it's over. And it meant nothing.

Yeah, but unfortunately...

while it was going on I meant nothing too, didn't I?

And I'm worth more than nothing, aren't I?

Yes!

So.

Bye-bye. Take care.

And by the way, the pig was from me.

♪ Take a deep breath

♪ Prepare for the worst

♪ The stupidest man

♪ In the universe

That's fair.

Hi.

Er, yeah, hi, Dexter. I...

Dexter, look, I...

Oh, look, for fu-

Good evening and welcome to After Dark.

Tonight we're having a look at infidelity.

All of our guests here tonight have in some way been unfaithful.

First, Cecil Parkinson...

♪ If you go then I'll be blue

♪ Cos breaking up is hard to do...

♪ I've got my pride and I know how to hide

♪ All my sorrow and pain

♪ I'll do my cryin' in the rain

♪ So let the heartaches begin...

♪ Well, since my baby left me

♪ I've found a new...

♪ I can't win

♪ I've lost that girl for sure...

You know, two months ago I had everything.

I had a girl I loved, who loved me.

Now...

You and me on a bench. That's what I have.

- I love you, Dex. - Oh. Thanks, Charlie.

I know it's not quite the same, but at least it's something.

Oh, my Lord. Mr Morrow.

Mr Morrow?

Is that the voice of Dexter King I hear?

- Yes, it is. This is Charlie. - How do you do?

What do you look like? Nice to have an image.

- I look like Anthony Quinn. - Oh.

Have a seat, Mr Morrow.

And what subject are we discussing on this fine day?

- Love. - Ah, boys.

Do you want my advice on questions of love?

Yes.

My advice is "go blind".

Best thing that ever happened to me.

Since 1944, every girl I've spent time with

looks the spitting image of Mae West.

You think tearing our eyes out is the answer?

Every time.

Drink, anyone?

Thanks.

I suggest we get well and truly hammered.

There's nothing fights despair so effectively as getting totally pissed.

Well, it's happening. I'm going to spend the rest of my life

pretending to be an elephant and sharing my bed with a small squeaky pig.

This is for you, John. And the rabbit.

- What's this? - Thank you.

Shouldn't all these people be doing shows tonight?

It was yesterday.

Who knows, Dex? Maybe next year you'll be up there.

Yeah. Best performance in the role of a pachyderm.

The nominations for the award for the best comedy performance are:

Michael Gambon in "Arms and the Man",

Penelope Keith in Alan Ayckbourn's "The Madwoman of Staines",

Griff Rhys Jones in "Whoops Hamlet"

and Ron Anderson in the "Rubber Face Revue".

Boo! Boo!

And the winner is...

Come on, Michael. Come on, Griff. Come on, Penny!

- Ron Anderson. - No! Oh...

What?

Oh, no!

That... is it.

That's it! I... She... It...

Charlie, ever dream of being a West-End star?

- Oh, no! No, no, Dex! - Yes! No one will know the difference.

But they will! I'm short, you're tall. You can act, I can't speak English.

Yes, but you can drool, which is crucial in this part.

In that chair you look like...

a young Olivier.

Vengeance shall be mine.

What in the name of Judas lscariot's bum boy is going on?!

I'll tell you what! First you waste five years of my life.

Then you take the one thing in the world I really care about.

- Your bicycle? - No. No! Kate.

You've stopped my show to talk about her?!

- You're damned right I have. - You're welcome to her, Dumbo!

I never laid hands on the damn woman.

- You didn't sleep with her? - No, I bloody did not!

I take her out, spend a king's ransom on dinner,

win an award for being the best bloody comedian in the history of the world,

and what do I get? Bloody nothing!

- Are these your trousers? - Yes they are!

Does no one have any respect for major comic talent these days?

This sort of shit never happened to Charlie Chaplin.

- These your car keys? - Yes!

Why don't you just face it, King? You're worthless and weak.

And the chances of you getting a girlfriend...

without the help of a nuclear war that wipes out the entire male population...

of the planet, are frankly pretty remote.

Thanks, Ron. I don't think I've ever told you

how much I've cherished your unstinting honesty towards me over the years.

This is, of course, your dressing room key?

- It might be. - Great.

Wait! Wait, you can't leave me here! I've got a show to do!

Don't worry. You're the best bloody comedian in the world.

They'll wait for you.

One last thing. This may just be a rumour,

but I hear that Prince Charles thinks you're a toadying, snivelling suck-butt.

No!

♪ Here he comes! Mr Disgusting!

♪ Take a deep breath

♪ Prepare for the worst

♪ The ugliest man

♪ In the universe

No! No!

Sorry.

90, 95, 100...

Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip!

Excuse me, sir. Have you any idea what speed you were doing?

Yes. Sorry. I've got to get to the hospital.

Oh, my God, yes! You poor thing.

Stand back, sir.

Anita, have you got those X-rays, please? Thank you.

Bob.

Too late. He's dead.

I've got to talk to you.

Imposs, now. There's been a bad smash on the M40. You're going to have to wait.

- But... - Wait, adulterer!

You should get some treatment for that ear before you go.

Oh.

- I couldn't wait any longer. - What do you want, then?

You. Desperately.

"Desperately" indeed. What do you know about despair?

Look at these two.

This one will probably be dead before the 10 o'clock news.

- Who, me? - Yes. Shh.

Would you at least have dinner with me?

Why?

Because I love you.

And because I'm almost 40, and I'm a tall American

whose entire career consists of playing sidekicks and circus freaks.

Who doesn't belong anywhere... except by your side.

And you're all I have to show for life so far.

- Aw. - Excuse me, nurse.

But aren't you meant to be helping me? I am in some pain, actually.

I will help you when I see fit.

You forfeited the right to being treated in a reasonable manner

when you made the decision to put a vacuum cleaner pipe up your bottom.

What happened to the ugly actress?

She's sleeping with the fire-eater.

Just dinner?

Well...

- Nurse, nurse! - Oh, God!

Get the crash team! Get the crash team!

Dammit! Mr Worthall, come on! Come on!

Dexter, help me! Help me! Give him the kiss of life!

- Kiss of life? What's the kiss of life? - Get on. Get on there! Come on! Move it!

Now push! Push! Come on.

Ow! No, you push, I kiss.

- Come on! Push now! That's it. - Push!

Come on, Bob! It can't be that hard! Breathe, you bastard!

- Breathe! - Getting there.

- Yes! Yes! Yes! -Yeah! Oh, yeah! Ohh...

Well... Well done, sir.

Did she say yes or no?

Go on. Or I'll die again.

Yeah, give him another chance. You're only young once.

Go on. You might be hit by a bus tomorrow.

Please? Just dinner, to let me explain?

I was a complete, total, utter idiot.

I've learned my lesson completely. Totally. Utterly.

- Just dinner? - I promise.

What...

no sex at the end?

Well, maybe. Sex...

Yes. All right, if you insist.

OK, then.

♪ I never thought I'd miss you

♪ Half as much

♪ As I do

♪ And I never thought I'd feel this way

♪ The way I feel

♪ About you

♪ As soon as I wake up

♪ Every night, every day

♪ I know that it's you I need

♪ To take the blues away

♪ It must be love, love, love

♪ It must be love, love, love

♪ Nothing more, nothing less

♪ Love is the best

♪ As soon as I wake up

♪ Every night, every day

♪ I know that it's you I need

♪ To take the blues away

♪ It must be love, love, love

♪ It must be love, love, love

♪ It must be love, love, love