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-Understand I got you D.C., Maryland, Virginia.

Please and kindly stand up. Please. Thank you very much.

Hold your applause until the end of the show.

♪ Back in the... ♪

-This is Washington, D.C.,

my city, home of the hustlers, baby.

I mean, everybody's got to hustle in D.C.

We got flea markets.

That's where everybody's selling any and everything.

We got Ben's Chili Bowl.

Ben's been selling chili for damn near 50 years.

Can you imagine that, somebody getting rich off chili?

Ben did it. Oh. That right there?

That's Sebastion D. Hood.

Man, he got all types of businesses.

-Hi. I'm Sebastion D. Hood III.

Are you sure that baby's yours?

Are you paying child support

and you get that uneasy feeling that the mother of your child

is not forthcoming with the truth --

That child don't have any of your features,

and you don't know what to do?

Now, for just $395, HOOD Enterprises can get you results

in 24 hours -- just 24 hours -- with a 99.9% accuracy rate.

Just get us some DNA from the alleged seed,

swab the baby's mouth, or you can send us a hair follicle.

Or you can just get it.

We don't care where you get it from.

Just get it.

Here's Nick, one of our satisfied customers.

-My son, Nick Jr., is three years old,

and I must admit, I was a bit apprehensive when he was born.

-[ Baby cries ]

-I sent in our DNA,

and within 24 hours our results came back,

and I'm happy to say I am Nick Jr.'s father.

I'm absolutely sure now.

-Remove all doubt and get us that DNA today.

-Call HOOD Enterprises today, the DNA specialists.

-And remember...

-But the biggest hustler of all was my uncle, 3D.

There he is! 3D.

He raised me and my cousin.

He was like a father to us.

-What's the problem here?

Why you crying?

JoJo.

JoJo, why you crying?

-I struck out.

-That's okay.

All true ballers strike out every now and then.

You can't let that slow your roll.

You got to pick up that pimp stick and keep on swinging.

-That's right, JoJo.

-Right? -Yes.

-I still remember the first time I struck out on you.

-I remember, too.

-But I knew if I was gonna s-- Back up.

You better back up.

But I knew if I was gonna score, I had to make it to first.

So I got my grill right and my wrap tight

blop-de-blippity-blah-da-blue

and, hiya, what happened, baby?

First base -- look like I'm about to steal second.

I'm about to steal second.

Oh! I'm at second, rounding to third.

We're at third, baby. Oh!

We about to slide into home face first.

-Ooh, and there's no place like home.

-Spikes high! Yah-yah-yah-yah-yah!

Safe! Safe! Safe!

Game over.

[ Laughs ]

Oh! You coming to the after party, JoJo?

-My uncle was at every important event.

Swim meets, he was there.

-Go!

You better swim, you little black mother[bleep]!

I'm open, baby, I'm open.

Alright, then take it to the hole!

Take it to the hole!

-Ooh.

[ Laughter ]

-Here I am at 16 in my first job interview.

-How long does he have to work before his benefits kick in?

When can he take his first vacation?

Now, you say this is an eight-hour work day, right?

But if he start work at 7:00 and end at 4:00 that's nine hours.

But what if he don't take a lunch break

or those four 15-minute breaks?

He should be up out this [bleep] by 2:00 every afternoon.

I'll have my attorney look over those papers.

Oh, and one more question.

If a frog had a glass ass, would he break it every time he moved?

I'm [bleep] with you, baby.

[ Laughs ]

Come on, JoJo.

-Now, I'm JoJo --

Yep, that little chocolate drop right there.

See, now all I ever wanted to do was own my own thriving business

right here in the neighborhood.

I mean, I got my degree from UDC,

so I was ready for the world,

and since I was good with numbers, my uncle,

he would always have me counting all night,

sometimes till 3:00 in the morning.

-♪ 3:00 in the morning, the pancake house ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ 4:00 in the morning, we'll be rolling to my house ♪

-♪ What? ♪

-♪ 5:00 in the morning the lights go out ♪

♪ 6:00 in the morning you can hear us start to shout ♪

-♪ What? ♪

-♪ 7:00 in the morning she'll be calling a cab ♪

♪ 8:00 in the morning talking about the fun she had ♪

-♪ Come on, come on ♪

-♪ 9:00 in the morning she just getting home ♪

♪ Talking about the overnight scenario, scenario ♪

♪ 3:00 in the morning, the pancake house ♪

-♪ Come on ♪

-♪ 4:00 in the morning, we'll be rolling to my house ♪

♪ 5:00 in the morning the lights go out ♪

♪ 6:00 in the morning you can hear us start to shout ♪

♪ 7:00 in the morning she'll be calling a cab ♪

♪ 8:00 in the morning talking about the fun she had ♪

-♪ Come on, come on ♪

-♪ 9:00 in the morning she just getting home ♪

♪ Talking about the overnight scenario, scenario ♪

-♪ Hey, Michael ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪

-♪ The overnight scenario, scenario ♪

-We all lived in my uncle's house.

Who's "we," you ask?

Well, let's start with my play aunt.

That's my Aunt Mohogany.

She had a wooden leg that she special ordered from Oregon

which she believes has termites and has a broken hinge

so it doesn't bend at the knee.

Then -- Then there's Angela the activist.

Avoid debates with her. Trust me, you just won't win.

-How can I be a damn refugee? That's just a...

-Yeah, she's from New Orleans --

had to relocate for obvious reasons.

See, she's like a mother to all of us.

Now, my uncle's chief enforcer was POW, P-O-W.

It stands for "Pimp On Wheels."

His special-made chair can get him airborne,

and in a matter of seconds, he's whupping your ass.

Don't let him get a leg up on you.

-Alright, what's the -- -Then there was my cousin Avery.

We were more like brothers rather than cousins.

There was always a competition between us

for my uncle's attention.

He was always coming up with different ways to make money.

It never made sense, though -- never.

-I'm about to sell pee.

See that? Huh?

That's clean pee.

-It's clean. -Yeah, look.

-Do you know what clean pee look like?

Did you --

-Ahh!

-I'm about to have piss plants set up all across the country.

I'm-a set some up at Barry Bonds' house,

the Tour de France, NBA, NFL.

I'm telling you, man, I'm about to get paid off of piss.

-Hey, listen, do this for me.

Um, every cup that you put your mouth on in this house,

I want you to put your name on it for me, okay,

just so I don't double up on what you just did.

-You just gave me one. A cup of piss.

-Cup of piss.

-If you don't got time for the clean pee

and you traveling, you a vegan or something like that,

put it with some noodles -- cup of pee.

That's a smart idea. -You're a genius, Avery.

I don't -- I don't know how you do it.

-Piss about to get us paid, I'm telling you.

-Mm-hmm. Yeah, Avery's special.

-How's this gonna work?

-To catch who took Sparky from me.

-Right there -- That's Vanity, the one holding on

to the flier of her dog that's been missing for two days.

And, yeah, she's blind, people.

Are you talking to me or Avery?

-I'm looking at both of y'all. -I apologize.

-Vanity really thinks she looks like Halle Berry,

but nobody has the guts to tell her otherwise.

-Actually, I have people tell me that me and Halle was like,

you know, twins --

like, we just look just alike. -I see it.

-No doubt.

-She definitely suffers from high self-esteem.

She doesn't like unattractive men.

I mean, she's got a good eye for that.

Don't think that hand of hers is very accurate.

-Uh-uh.

I'm sorry, but I do not do trolls.

You gonna have to kick rocks.

-Then there's my uncle's chief moneymaker, Starlight.

If you came to D.C. on business or you needed a date on your arm

for an upscale function, you wanted Starlight.

She's the prettiest woman I've ever seen.

Mm! I'd like to be them back pockets.

My uncle was the man.

I mean, I know I keep saying "was" as in past tense.

That's 'cause my uncle died, uh, three weeks ago...

[ Sniffles ] on his birthday.

-Negroes, Negro-ettes, pimps, hoes --

-And the man with the microphone,

that's sweet Payton Profit.

He's been my uncle's right-hand man for years.

I mean, Payton has a vocabulary that can't be matched.

I mean, if you talk to him, you need a dictionary on hand.

-A man who has integrated the infrastructure

with cataclysmic inevitability.

He has used trans-generational servitude

to matriculate the financial reinvestment

of reciprocal short-term windfall.

-Just say the [bleep] toast. Okay? Wow.

-That's Sexy Silk.

And the big guy right there, that's Rockstone.

That's his assistant/body guard/man peasant

/I don't know what he is.

Silk was my uncle's long-time rival.

I mean, Silk was ruthless when it comes to business.

I ain't never seen anything like it.

I mean, he pretty much thinks he's the The Artist Formerly

Known as Prince. Me, personally?

I think he looks like a broke-down Little Richard,

just a darker, uglier version.

-As I was saying before the pretty [bleep] interrupted me.

-Did you hear that [bleep]? He called you a pretty [bleep].

I got your pretty mother[bleep] --

-Rockstone!

-I think you need to understand the situation.

-Rockstone! -Just make the point.

-Rockstone, it's okay. I am pretty.

-We got things to do.

-[ Laughs ]

-I'd like to bring 3D to the stage.

Ladies and gentlemen, 3D.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Hey now, hey now. Can I get a hand?

-Mm! -Oh! Look out!

-You're getting old, you're getting old.

-I made it. [ Laughter ]

I just want to, first of all, thank everybody for coming out.

And I see most of y'all are ladies out here, too,

so that means you're losing money,

so I'm-a keep this short. I'm up and out. Thanks again.

Alright? -Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We have rented this mother[bleep] till 1:00 A.M.,

and we have a little gift for you.

JoJo, Avery.

-Oh, you can't -- You didn't have to do that, man.

-I know we didn't, but we wanted to.

-Shall I open it up? -It's yours.

-Alright, alright.

-Drum roll. [ Vocalizing ] -Oh!

Wow!

[ Laughs ]

Ah-ah! -Mm!

-[ Laughs ]

-What?

Thank you, Sweet -- Thank you so for the coat.

[ Laughs ]

[ Coughs ]

Now, drink up, everybody,

'cause the party's over in about an hour,

'cause some of these ladies have to --

how do you say it, Sweet?

Matriculate the financial reinvestments

of short-term windfalls.

-[ Laughs ] Alright then. 3D.

-[ Coughs ]

-Oh, 3D. Hi, honey.

Oh, gosh, this is such a great party.

Ahh. So beautiful.

3D?

3D, are you okay?

3D.

Oh, my God, you guys, I think he's dead!

Oh, God! -Somebody call an ambulance.

-3D. You guys, 3D --

-JoJo, Avery, an ambulance!

-[ Screaming ]

-You guys, can somebody please get help?

-Take me, Lord!

Oh, God.

Take me, Lord!

Ah, Jesus!

Ah!

We buried him, though.

Yeah, we buried him in his favorite outfit...

and -- and in his favorite car.

I mean, we -- we had no idea

that my uncle was allergic to chinchilla.

Who would know that?

They don't just write that on people's heads.

The coroner said that his esophagus swelled up

and cut off his air supply.

Two days later, I received a letter about my uncle's will.

It informed me that I was now

the new owner of the family business,

which I know absolutely nothing about.

I'm scared.

Boy, I said that's it. -Watch that.

-I said that's it. [ Knocking on door ]

Boy, I said it's over. That's it.

That's it.

-Go get the door.

[ Knocking continues ]

-I need to see -- I need to see --

-That's Sasha. That's Payton's ex-girlfriend

who wasn't quite ready to give up on the relationship.

There are strict instructions not to let her in the house.

-It's busy, Sasha.

-Come on. Avery, now -- I -- Hey! I-I see him!

Hey!

[ Laughs ] Hey, baby!

I need to talk to Payton. Let me go in there.

-He's busy! Get your foot out of the damn d--

-Ow!

Okay, look, I want him to sign this, uh, prenatal agreement,

if you can just give -- -You mean "prenup."

-No, no, it's a prenatal, 'cause I'm having his baby,

and I need him to sign this paperwork

so he can show responsibility for your child!

-Okay, one second, one second. -Ow!

That was my titty!

-That ain't my girl, punk. -Okay.

Hey. Boy, I swear -- -Do it one more time.

-Ease up. -Stop.

My uncle never paid any of his bills on time, none of 'em.

I mean, there's a 10-year lease

on the Mercedes that we buried him in.

So because of these problems, I decided

to run his dating service a little differently.

-JoJo, we got a problem. -Starlight is missing --

come to find out Sexy Silk has stolen her from 3D Enterprises.

He didn't even wait for them to throw dirt

on my uncle's Mercedes. And guess what?

Guess who gets nominated to confront him?

-Let's give him a call. -This is Sexy Silk. Oo-woo!

-It's just -- -Alright, go. Go.

-Wait, did you want me to leave a message?

-Talk. Speak. -Hey -- Hey!

Hey, Sexy.

Uh, hey, this is JoJo.

You got something of mines, and I want it back.

You want to know what's running through my brain?

It's me thinking that you better have her dressed

and have her ready,

'cause I'm about to get there and pick her up...

-Oh, hey, now. -H-Hello?

-And you're here to pick up who, JuJu?

-Uh, I-I'll be picking up Starlight.

-Uh, Starlight don't work for y'all no more.

-No, no, no.

S-Starlight, she -- she's still employed by 3D Enterprises.

-O-whoo! Ooh.

You done made my eyebrows bleed.

Ooh. Listen, JoJo,

Starlight is no longer in your employ, so stop tripping.

You know how the game is played, baby.

I'm the prettiest pimp in D.C., baby.

Come on and play ball with me, babe.

-Where's she at? Let me speak to her.

-Starlight, go on and talk to him.

You got about 30 seconds now.

You know you getting ready for an appointment.

She's getting ready for an appointment, J.J.

-H-Hi, JoJo.

-Why, Starlight?

-JoJo, you know I love you guys,

but this is just a-a better opportunity.

-Next time I see you, I'm-a whup your ass.

-O-whoo!

Ooh, I'm gonna scratch your eyes out.

-Stop it! I was watching "Raymond."

-We are just gonna have to take this thing to another level.

Now, when I first came to D.C. it was me and my three kids.

3D, he's gone above and beyond the call of duty

for me and my kids.

He's given us a place to stay, he's given my life

a sense of stability and meaning.

Guys, he has single-handedly helped everyone in this room.

I've been to Hell and back.

We can and we will overcome this.

-Mom! Mom!

-One monkey don't s-- Hey!

Kischa, Devlin, and Rashad, if y'all don't sit

your black asses down somewhere,

I'm gonna come in there and knock the hell out of you.

-I am sitting!

-Now shut up!

-Thank you.

-Now, one monkey don't stop no show.

Now, if we have to just work extra hours, then guess what,

guys, we will work extra hours.

-Mm-hmm.

-If we got to recruit more girls, hey,

guess we got to go out there and recruit some more girls.

-I can do that. I'll do that myself.

-Right, guys?

-If we have to give more reach-arounds --

Yeah, if we have to give some more

dirty Sanchezes --

-What'd she -- What's she say?

-Yeah. -What's a dirty Sanchez?

-The competition was getting fierce.

After my uncle died, all kinds of folks started

showing up on our block trying to take over.

That's Needman Marquez.

He runs the most profitable escort business Northeast D.C.

Yes, he's gay, and, yes, he's bipolar.

-Constance, is that you in there?

-I'll be right there. -Get your behind out the car.

Constance, don't let me drag you out here

and embarrass you in the street.

Somebody hold Matches.

-Needman, I am almost finished. -She knows what the problem is.

I don't have my girls out in the public

with their heads looking like that.

Frisco.

Look at your nappy-ass hair.

Now get back in there and finish doing your business,

and if I catch your head looking like that again,

it's gonna be you and me.

[ Car door slams ]

Where's Matches? Mama.

Stop right there.

-Uh, we just, uh, hold your doggie for you.

Such a juicy -- cute little puppy.

-I cannot for the life of me

figure out why Mow Ping's always stayed so damn busy.

Some people say they put extra meat in every dish.

That's how I see it.

Hey, girl.

-Hey, J.J. What's going on, baby?

-It's JoJo. -Whatever.

Business is very good, baby.

-As you can see, business is good for us, too.

[ Slapping, metal clinks ]

God damn it.

-Yeah, I see.

Damn it, damn it!

I asked you not to lean on me so hard.

Oh, my God, Stone, look -- A wrinkle.

Soo Yee, handle it.

-In the car -- wow.

-So, J.J., listen. -It's JoJo.

Like, that's my birth name. My mom gave me that.

Just do that. Just call me what my mom called me, Silk.

-J.J., Juju -- Juju, JoJo, whatever.

-It's all the same to you. -Yes.

So listen, I'm willing to break you off 75K, baby...

-Mm-hmm. -...plus 5% on the back end --

no pun intended. Ow-oo!

-You know what, Silk? Man, I'm gonna have to pass.

I mean, 3D Escorts, I think we're doing fine.

We're doing pretty good. -Okay, 6% on the back end.

-Yeah, I'm still gonna pass.

-Stone, give him one of my business cards.

-Here you go, JuJu.

-And call me after you think about it.

-[ Sighs ]

Wow.

Um, okay.

Well, I got this.

Let me put it in my pocket.

Oh, I can't 'cause it's too big.

I'll just...

Alright.

I'll carry it like a briefcase. -Good.

Just think about it -- -Thank you.

-Turn it around in your mind. -This is good.

-♪ Jeannie's got the juice ♪

-93.9 WKYS --

It's your girl Jeannie Jones, the Kitty of the City.

Meow.

Ladies, one of my little juice bars

told me that JoJo over at 3D Enterprises is looking for you.

-That's right, ladies, we are looking for you,

'cause we not doing too well,

so we went down to the Lanham Centre,

home of the BTE offices --

that's Black Television Entertainment.

A lot of people was standing in line,

'cause they was auditioning for "105 & Benning Road."

-Just a shade off -- you know, just -- just one little shade.

You close, though. Thanks for coming.

Hey, brother Ben. How you doing?

Hey. Goodbye now. Hey -- Oh, no, no, no, no.

Yes. Yes.

Oh, my goodness, look at that. Look at that.

I think I like -- This way, this way, this way.

I'm thinking no.

-So the account executive wouldn't take my money,

because they felt running commercials

about a dating service would exploit and degrade women

and how BTE has strict policies against that.

-We have high standards here at BTE.

Showing women in a negative light

is just not something we would do.

[ Knocking on door ]

-[ Sighs ]

-Hi! -It's Sasha.

-Ah, sir -- Yes, I have some cookies

that a Mr. Payton Profit ordered --

little Scout cookies.

-Little Scout cookies. You know what, Sasha?

This is really getting old.

Like, you got to stop this.

You're not even together.

It's stupid.

-You're yelling at me. -Yes, Sasha, I am.

Sasha, that's it.

[ Knock on door ]

-We gonna try this again.

Um. Sir, yes.

I have some cookies that Mr. Profit ordered for a fundraiser,

and this one right here is my favorite one.

This one is called Pink Poutine.

-Pink Poutine. You know what, Sasha?

You really starting to make me mad.

Okay? You know why?

'Cause this is not who you are!

Stop -- Like, you're not even together.

-Taste it.

-No, I don't want to taste the cookie.

That's it.

Get out! Get out, Sasha!

Get out! Not in my house!

Sasha, not in our house!

Get off!

-This ain't over!

-Oh, she's annoying!

Well, it's Saturday afternoon, and competition was crazy,

so crazy my line was down the block.

It even brought the biggest pimp in D.C. out.

And Sexy Silk with his punk-ass.

-You got any black in you?

You want some?

Ow! [ Laughs ]

Shut up. Ha!

-Damn, you look like you fell out a tree.

-Take one of my business cards and call me.

-Oh, man, we got to do something.

These Negroes are stealing all our best prospects.

-You're taller than me. I-I can't see --

-JoJo, can you just help us to do something in, please?

[ Knock on door ] -Let him in, Sweets.

-Calm down. -You're right.

I'm just a little nervous. Let's get them in here.

-[ Clears throat ]

Hello, la-- Ugh.

Guess who it is? -Close it. Come on, close it!

-Are you aware that you need to have a permit

to have an assembly of this many people on public property?

It's a violation of section code 15-432.

-I-I don't even know what you just said.

I-I really don't. Are you aware of a freedom of assembly,

because that's all we're doing. -True. True, true, true, true.

That's true, slim.

Unfortunately, they are blocking the entrance

to a couple of businesses, you know what I'm saying?

But I'm sure between us brothers

we can work something out, right?

-Hold on a second for crying out loud, Cal.

This man is clearly violating the law

to which we've got to uphold. -No, he's not.

-Yes, he is. Take a look at this flier.

They're recruiting whores, for Christ's sakes.

-They're recruiting whores for Christ --

-Hold on, hold on. I got this.

Listen, brother --

-I am not your brother. -Wow. He didn't mean that.

-Okay, well, um, we're not breaking any laws here.

Now, I understand the hypothetical ramifications

for which you have predetermined an evasive breach

of inconsequential incongruent confidentiality of said group.

-Wow. -But the difference is beyond

the trespassment of sole proprietorship,

which would make you possibly have, uh, an enhancement

of telephonic proportionments to this here establishment.

-What? -In your face. In your face.

-Damn. -Wow, man, that was nice.

Have you ever thought about becoming a lawyer?

-Taking a few classes online.

-Wow, 'cause that was well stated -- well stated.

What's up, man? -What is wrong with you, Cal?

We need to cite these -- Cal, we need to --

I'm gonna cite you.

-Come on, sir, this is America.

We have freedom of assembly.

Now, can I please see a copy of the code

that we're supposedly violating?

-How are you doing, baby? -Good.

-Yeah? I've been here at least a dozen times.

I ain't never seen you before.

-I was probably out working.

-Oh, yeah? -[ Laughs ]

-Oh, you're cute.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

-You need something?

-Actually, I do. -Okay.

-Yeah. -Whatcha need?

-Okay, listen, we're just tired of you guys shaking us down.

-Business is bad, sir. Come on.

We have no money, and the economy

under this current administration

has put a squeeze on Americans.

And guess what? It's $3.00 at the pump.

-Did you say "$3.00 at the pump"? "$3 a pump?"

We -- I got it.

I should start charging $3.00 a pump.

-Hey, what are you doing?

-Feeling on your face to see if you fine.

-So, what do you think?

-Oh, you definitely a pretty boy.

-[ Laughs ]

-But you know that was 17-and-a-half pumps, right?

I told you to take your time.

So, that's 17 times 3 --

-Wait, wait, wait, wait. D-Don't forget the coupon.

-Okay, that's 52, 10% coupon.

Wait a minute.

These coupons is expired.

-Uh, you need to honor that coupon,

'cause I've been out of the country the last two months.

-That's a damn lie.

I saw your ass in the line at Mow Ping.

-How did you see me? How did you see me?

-Pay me my money. -You know what?

I don't like your attitude anyway,

which I'm filling out on your questionnaire right here.

-I don't care what you write down, pretty boy.

You need to pay me my money.

-Now I'm not paying you anything.

-POW, he trying not to pay me!

-Vanity, baby, go get in the car.

-[ Laughs ]

What's this guy supposed to do?

-You got five seconds to give me her money, or --

-Or what?

Man, I don't want to hurt you.

-Three, two, one.

Where the money at? I want it now!

-[ Laughing breathlessly ]

Will you get my back, too, real quick?

Please?

-Because America has lost its sense of what's important.

Now let me get something straight.

I am a registered voter, and I will exercise

my God-given right to vote and know my rights.

Now, unless you can show me somewhere in this penal code

exactly what code has been violated here,

I highly suggest that you go find some real criminals

to mess with and back up out of my face.

-Yeah, the thing that you need to know about --

-I think we better jet, yo.

Baby, I'm gonna see you next time, okay?

-Okay, sweetie. Thank you. Mwah! Mwah!

-Wait, one more, one more, one more.

Mwah! Can you please talk to him?

-I will.

-Now, just for y'all's information, okay,

I'm about to get them people off the street, in the house --

like, I'm about to do that ASAP.

-Copy that. -They're coming in now.

-Got it. -Well, thank you, and the sooner

you get that done, the better, okay?

Have a marvelous day.

Oh, and by the way, you're behind again in your payment,

so I'll expect payment soon.

-I don't need you putting my financial situation out in --

I'm-a get you.

-Close my door.

-Business out there, finding my people --

-Sexy's out there. -Are you serious?

-Damn, he is clocking two fine twins.

All right, it's time for me to get out there.

How do I look? -You ready?

Okay, get them, 'cause --

-♪ Grab my party, p-party, party p-party people ♪

-Hello. Come on, push.

You look like you got a yeast infection

with your tight-ass sh-- Ooh, there goes Payton,

there go Payton. H-H-Hey, babe!

Hey! Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up!

Hey, POW, how you doing? Still... huh?

I got -- Look, baby, look.

I got a-a-a ultrasound -- uh --

-Sonogram.

-Sonogram. See that little penis?

It look just like your little penis, it's a little so--

-This ain't no sonogram.

It's an X-ray of some teeth.

-You understand? -[ Laughs ]

-So, listen, if you have any problems,

you go see the H-O director. You understand?

And he gonna take care of all of your needs.

Also we have paid vacation and all-paid holidays,

you understand what I'm saying.

Also, ladies, you got to work on all the black holidays,

'cause, as you know, those are our most busiest times.

You ladies think you can handle the job?

-Oh, yes. -Oh, yes.

-We can be some real freaks. -We can be some real freaks.

-And we do everything together. -And we do everything together.

-Wow. -Silk, Silk, Silk --

-I-I-I like that.

Take one of my business cards.

-[ Clears throat ]

-Whoa, hold up. -Excuse us, ladies.

Sexy, what are you doing?

-I'm just doing my job, baby.

-These women are out here because of us, our hard work.

You're violating, man.

-Rockstone, did you see that?

-That's what I've been trying to tell you, Sexy.

Them are Chinese twins.

-That's Siamese twins, with your dumb ass.

-That's the same thing.

-Rockstone, they are joined at the hips, baby.

That is some freaky [bleep].

-Well, you want me to get them out the car?

-No, no, no. Leave them. That's double the money, baby.

-Oh, yeah. -Sexy, I'm taking to you, man.

You done already stole Starlight.

Now you out here being straight- up greasy and disrespectful.

-It's 18 different pimps out this mother[bleep], man.

Why you coming down on me, baby?

-'Cause you're trifling, that's why.

-No, no, no, it's alright.

What's it gonna look like Rockstone, as big as you is

beating up a little guy like him in a wheelchair.

-Man, nigga, I don't discriminate.

-Come on, Baby Huey. Touch the button.

-I'll be on your ass.

-You know, the lord has given all the ingredients for you

to be truly successful in this business.

I'm a Christian man with Christian values,

and I must say, I see the values in that tight body

and those beautiful breastses.

-That's Deacon Windfall right there.

He's a legitimate pastor

of a huge church in Fort Washington.

-Where are you taking her, man? -That right there is Ali Pacino.

He's Iranian, but he thinks he's mafioso.

-Yep, he's not Italian -- nobody really doesn't want

to tell him, though, for the obvious reasons.

-I think you thought you were talking to me.

Stay away from her, man.

She's not for you, okay?

-I don't want any problems.

I understand why you're taken by this beautiful young lady.

But, unfortunately, she has already been chosen.

-Oh. So you are talking to me.

You must not know who you're talking to,

'cause I can bury you like a cockroach, you know that?

-Excuse me.

-Hey, you want to play rough?

You want to play rough, man?

Okay, I'll play rough.

-Stop!

Everybody freeze!

Put down the M16!

Put down the bazooka!

Everybody freeze or I'm gonna cut somebody.

-Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What's your name, baby?

-It's Tabitha.

-Tabitha.

Tabitha -- like that.

Whatcha got in the bag, baby?

-Oh, just some stuff I used to use at my old job.

-What's your old job, baby? -What's your job?

-I used to work at the UniverSoul Circus.

-Oh, okay. -The Universal Soul Circus.

I like that.

When I say "big top," you say "circus."

Big top. -Circus.

-Big top. -Circus.

-Big top! -Circus.

-I love that. Casual Cal, my man little Zeke,

then they got the elephants.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Rockstone, I've asked you not to do that, baby.

-I know, man. I know.

-Come here.

Come here.

Wipe that off. -I'm sorry.

-You ain't never been in no circus.

-Yeah, I really was.

Wait -- watch this.

-Oh, snap.

-What is she doing, baby?

-I just need that right there.

Watch this.

-Hey, hey, hey, hey. No, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Baby, you ain't got to do all that.

-No? 'Cause I --

-No, Rockstone gonna take you to the car,

and you can do a little audition for me back at the palace.

Alright? -Oh. Okay.

-I mean, I believe you was in the circus now.

-I told you.

-Okay. Pop it, pop it.

Pop it, pop it.

And then pop it.

-Are you pop locking?

-Yeah. And dropping it.

-Uh, Tabeetha?

-Tabitha. -T-Tabitha?

-Yeah? -Ooh, don't dance no more.

-Don't do it? -The dance is not working out.

-Alright. -Why don't you try the pole?

-Oh, yeah, I can do the pole. That's --

-Yeah, do the pole, baby.

-Alright, I can do that pole.

-Aah! Ooh!

Okay. Hey.

Hey. -Yeah.

-Look here, uh, Tabeetha -- -Tabitha.

-Yes. Listen,

I think you have a little problem with coordination.

-Oh, no, it's the shoes. -No, no, no.

Your coordination's off, and I --

I don't know what to tell you. -I can do it again.

-It's not gonna -- -Knock, knock!

I got the Mow Pings, up in the hizzy!

-Mow Ping's. Mow Ping's.

-Got your spicy egg roll, Sexy.

Now y'all fix Sexy's plate and I'll give you one too.

-[ Laughs ]

[ Mimicking Chinese ]

Ooh.

Listen, baby, um, Sexy's girls need to be sexy.

-Well, just give me another chance. Please.

-Baby, I just don't think it's gonna work out.

Okay? Shut up.

Listen, get yourself something to eat on the way out.

Ooh, that's nice.

Ooh.

Oh, oh, oh! Rockstone!

-She's got a sword, Sexy!

Whoa! -Wait a minute, now.

Rockstone -- -Whatcha gonna do with that?

-Are you watching her?

Oh, my God.

-What she about to, Sexy? -Hold this -- No, I'll keep it.

I need to eat and watch this. -So crazy.

She gonna cut herself.

-[ Gagging ]

-Snap!

-Oh! Ooh, that hurts.

Oh. Damn.

-[ Gulps ]

Yeah. -Damn.

Uh, did you really swallow the whole sword?

-Yes, I did. -Where did it go?

-Did you see -- She is a top --

-L-Look at her!

Oh, she pulled it out of her ass.

Damn. We gonna get paid, Sexy. We gonna get paid.

-Oh, Lord, have mercy. Can you start tonight, baby?

-Yeah. Yes, I can. -Oh, you're a moneymaker.

Shake your moneymaker.

-It's getting late, but there's still

a few beautiful ladies in line.

-Jayketta!

-That's Denzel. He ain't wrapped too tight.

And, yes, he does think that he's Denzel Washington.

-Okay. I'm looking for my wife, Jayketta.

I know somebody's seen her.

She's about 5'7", 145 pounds.

Alright, you disloyal fool-ass, [bleep]-made punks.

-What you standing here looking pretty for?

You're a police officer, huh?

I want to see that goddamn warrant.

[ Laughs ]

-I will have you playing basketball in Pelican Bay

when I finish with you.

23-0, a lockdown.

I run stuff here.

You just live here.

King Kong ain't got nothing on me.

-[ Coughs ]

-But if you see her just let me know.

Tell her I'm looking for her.

-You know what? Some of these girls are a little too uptight.

They need to loosen up.

-I have no idea what to do, man.

-Liquor, man. We need liquor and smokes.

Sweet, call POW and tell him to get some weed.

-Yeah, yeah.

-[ Sniffs ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

-Oh, my God.

Dude, look at what she doing.

She just put a boogie in her hair.

-I'm going to the liquor store.

-Since Sasha, Payton has been reluctant

to get involved with anyone seriously.

But I think all that's about to change.

-[ Blows nose ]

-Ohh. You are exquisite.

Why don't you go right on upstairs.

Yeah, alright.

-You buy now, you leave. -I don't know what I want yet.

Alright, the -- the strawberry coolers,

do it really taste like strawberry?

Or is it -- Is it like strawberry?

I had some before, and it wasn't really that strawberry.

Okay, um, the banana -- the banana daiquiri mix,

does it really taste like bananas?

-It tastes like banana.

-But is it the banana-est, 'cause they don't always --

-I do not have all day for you.

-I want the banan-ery tasting daiquiri.

That's what I want. -You [bleep] making me sick.

-You know what? Just give me some beer.

[ Door closes ]

[ Gun cocks ]

Is the beer beer-y?

Is not the beer-iest?

-Go! Go! -Okay.

Is this -- -Go! Go! Go!

-Is this beer-y? -Go!!

-Is -- Am I gonna get drunk?

-Man, hey, you got the money?

-You got the bags? -Do I got the bags?

Man, tch!

Mmm, smell that.

Yeah, yeah. Nah, nah, nah, nah. Money, please.

-I like that. -The money is always good.

-That's a nice Burberry seat you got right there.

-Yeah. -$20, man.

-Okay, yeah, give me that.

-Hey, man, how much these wheels cost you?

[ Both laughing ]

-Look at -- -Goodnight, playboy.

-I guess these dudes don't know about

POW's spring-loaded ejection seat.

No matter how far you are, he can launch himself at you

with pinpoint accuracy.

We had to figure out who's gonna manage the additional lady.

You want me to do it?

Nah. No. First, I'm an asthmatic --

My breathing ain't right, and that's got a lot --

That's something that's -- I can't.

I can't do it. I --

-We -- We believe in you, JoJo.

-So we started interviewing.

All kinds of ladies came through.

Landscapers, clowns,

choir directors, beauty queens...

So, Ms. Benning Road, what brings you here?

-I believe in world peace.

-Because I believe the children are our future.

-No -- Oh, no. I said I wanted to know -- Why are you here?

-I would like to promote a green world,

where everybody is an ecological equal.

-Um, but this is an escort business.

Here, what we do is --

-Well, I love jogging and swimming,

and I am an active member of my church,

and I believe in the ethical treatment of all animals.

-Yeah, I-I don't think you're listening to me,

'cause you keep -- You keep promoting yourself.

I don't really need you to do that.

I'm just trying -- -What about the children?

-I'm sorry. What'd you say?

-The little black, green, orange, yellow,

and even white children.

-You see some kids in here that don't belong?

- ♪ What about the ♪

♪ Children? ♪

♪ The little, little children ♪

♪ The small, fragile little ♪

♪ Children ♪

♪ The sweet, oh, so sweet ♪ -Okay.

Why don't you just go ahead and take my card and call me.

-Oh, thank you! Thank you.

I will. Thank you.

-I mean, I love men and all,

but this might come as a surprise to you.

I do women also.

-I knew it. -Really?

-I knew it.

[ Knock on door ] -Coming.

Hey!

You're the eighth-grade teacher, correct?

-That is correct.

-I see you brought one of your students.

-[ Laughs ] He's not one of my students anymore.

He's my husband.

-Oh.

-So, you think you're sexy?

-I have a list of ex-boyfriends

that will attest to how good I am.

There isn't nothing I won't do.

-What the hell is going on with your eye?

-What? Do -- Do I have an eye booger or something?

-No. One of your eyes is doing, like,

some "to the left, to the left."

-Oh. You noticed.

-[ Laughs ] Yeah.

-Well, actually, I have to have one more operation on it.

The doctors are tightening the muscle in it after the accident.

-Accident?

-About two years ago, I was making love to my man,

and he was packing some serious USDA Choice,

if you know what I mean.

And we had been drinking, and --

-Y'all had a car accident?

-Mohogany, don't you have something you can be doing?

-Sorry. -Alright, thank you.

Go ahead, baby. It's okay.

-We were making passionate, kind of rough love like I was saying

and... -Mm.

-Well, his, uh...

-Come on. -It's okay, girl.

Take your time. -Mohogany!

-Sorry. -Go ahead.

-Well, his -- his penis accidentally hit me

in the eye with such force --

I mean, I was blind for almost three days,

and I've been cockeyed ever since.

[ Laughter ]

-Oh, come here.

-♪ Oh, give me love ♪

-Shh!

-It wasn't going too well.

And then as fate would have it,

the most stunning woman I've ever seen was at the door.

-Okay, what'd I say? Right on cue.

-How are you? -Um -- [ Clears throat ]

Uh, hey.

Hello. How are you?

-Fine. How are you?

-Um, were -- were you in the line outside?

I didn't see you. -No, no, no.

I had a modeling gig, and this was as soon as I could get here.

-Modeling, huh? Well, that's good.

That's gotta be excite-- I'm just talking --

My name is JoJo. What's your name, baby?

-My name is Caramel.

-Caramel? -Yes.

-You look it. You look like that's your name.

I don't even know why I asked you.

You look soft. -Well, thank you.

-You taste like it. I'm joking.

I'm playing, girl. You don't.

You probably do, but I don't know.

Hey, give me a second. Avery, do me a favor, man.

Get some of these boxes and stuff up.

It look like pigsty in here.

Sweetie, we don't live like this.

It just look like that. -I got it.

-Well, you the only one that eat it.

I don't understand why they all over the place.

-I said I got it. -It look like a pigsty.

-Got it! -Sorry.

First impression's the last impression.

We not this nasty.

He nasty, but the rest of us --

You know what? I'm gonna go on record and say this.

I think I speak for all of us, but, baby, you are beautiful.

-Thank you. -No, I mean,

I really think you're beautiful, though.

Like, I can't stop looking at you.

Have you ever done this type of work before?

-No, not really.

-No, but, I mean, you're open to learn, right?

-Oh, absolutely. I heard the money's really good.

-Well, that's if you're willing to do the work.

See, you have to have a passion

for the simplicity and duplicity of this profession,

which is usually predicated on the finalization of said union.

-Excuse me? -What I'm trying to say --

-What's he's trying to say is, "Are you good in bed?"

-I haven't gotten many complaints.

-I don't know. You look a little shy.

-Oh, no, I'm not shy at all. -Yeah?

-No, I'm not shy. -Ohh!

Ohh, ohh, ohh, ooh, ohh. I'm sorry.

-Do I seem shy to you now? -No, but you might be pregnant.

-Uh -- I mean, I can't really say

if you're shy or not unless you want to do me.

-Still look a little shy to me. -What are you talking about?

Dude, just get the rest of the stuff, please.

What are you doing? Why would you --

Avery, what -- Wait a minute --

Get it, get it, boy. Get it.

Get in there, boy. There you go.

-Okay, stop. -Hit that thing, boy.

Get in there, boy.

Hit it! Hit it!

Get in there, boy.

What -- Talk to me. How'd it feel?

-It was alright.

-It was -- Hey, what the -- -I mean, I kissed better, but --

-Dude, get away from me, man. -I'll be right back.

-Get the boxes, too. Please.

-You, Caramel, are definitely hired.

-Oh, thank you! Thank you.

I'm so excited. -Yeah, and you know what?

I'm on board. I just jumped on your train.

Yeah. Yeah. -Thank you, thank you.

-No problem, sweetie. -May I use your bathroom?

-Girl, you don't have to ask me.

Looking like you look, you can pee in my hand.

I don't mean that. I do -- Whatever.

Go ahead. It's around that corner.

-Thank you. -No problem, sweetie.

-Um, JoJo. She is so pretty.

-I just said that. I-I'm -- I like her.

-But you know what? It's a whole lot more girls outside,

and I don't think we should put all our eggs in one basket.

-Wow. Okay.

She come in here with two good legs, and now you're upset?

Because she doesn't have a wooden leg, so now you're mad?

Not you, Mohogany. -Hater.

-Anybody but you. -Mohogany got a wooden leg?

That is so sad.

[ Thudding ]

[ Urinating ]

-[ Sighs ]

[ Farting ]

[ Urinating continues ]

-Fool, what's wrong with you?

Look like you just seen a ghost.

-S-She -- -Who? Who?

-C-C--

-Caramel? What about Caramel?

-Ooh!

It's charades, you guys. I love it.

-Oh! Okay.

-Alright, let's go. -Uh, it's a baseball bat.

-What is it?

-Your Adam's apple.

-Vanity, you can't see.

-You're choking!

-[ Panting ]

-What's that? W-What's he doing?

-I got it, I got it, I got it.

It's golfing. You're golfing.

-Choking. -Juggling balls --

Your balls are juggling.

-Juggling balls? -Why would you juggle --

-What's he doing? What's that?

-Ooh! I know it, I know it, I know it. You're holding a pipe.

-Pipe. -No, no -- beef tip ca--

Caramel and beef tips.

"Scared." -What -- What's he got?

What's that, what's that? What's he doing?

-Dick Cheney!

-Okay, Caramel, juggling balls, beef tips --

Uh, Caramel has a dick!

-Whoo! -Yes!

-She got a dick? What?

-A penis? -A cock?

-Dick? Penis? Cock?

-Oh, my.

[ Toilet flushes ]

-Okay, look, wait a second,

here she comes.

Okay. Uh, hey.

Hey, Caramel. -Hey.

-Um, listen -- Hey, is there anything

that that we should know about you

that you didn't tell us or -- -No.

-Yeah, nigga.

-What's wrong with you? -Wait, POW.

Wait a second, okay?

Do you need to tell us something about yourself

that you didn't tell us earlier that we should probably know,

'cause we don't want to assume stuff --

-[Bleep] do you have a dick? -Well, yes, I do.

-Ohh! -But it won't be a problem.

It's not that large.

It won't get in the way. -Not that l--

-I haven't gotten any complaints.

-Oh [bleep]!

-Caramel turned out to be a dude.

But we hired her anyway.

And she might be a dude, but she was fine as hell.

I don't care what anybody say.

Now, I've pretty much narrowed it down

to women that weren't a man.

-Hi. -I was missing one thing --

a white girl.

-What's -- What's your name? -I'm Susie.

-Susie. Oh, okay. -Yeah.

-Uh, how long were you waiting in line outside?

-About six hours.

-I hear, like, a little accent.

Where you from?

-Well, I'm from Memphis, Tennessee.

-Memphis? -Yeah.

-Memphis -- in the city. -Yeah.

Yeah. -Oh, okay.

Well, I like this. -Oh.

-This is nice. What kind of stones are these?

This is, like, unique.

-Well, thank you you.

These ain't stones.

These just some of my teeth that have fallen out.

They were saying on the street y'all might have a dental plan.

-Mm-hmm. Yeah, we -- we are giving one.

-Well, that's good, 'cause I got this one back here, and it died.

I got a root canal or something.

-Mm. -It's this one back here,

next to the one that looks like a pair of dice.

-Oh, yeah, I see it.

It smells a little bit.

You close -- Go ahead, you can close it.

You can close it.

I saw it, though.

Wow.

But you know what?

Let's -- How about we just get back to your experience,

and what's going on with --

-Yeah, I used to work for my old man...

-Mm. -...before he got locked up.

-Um, what?

You said he got locked up?

What happened? What he do?

-It's a long story.

-You can go ahead.

You can tell us. We got time.

It's okay.

-Well, my old man,

he was one of the best pimps in Memphis, Tennessee.

-Mm. -Yeah.

He was also talented.

Yeah, he always wanted to be a rapper.

He could rap good.

-♪ You know it's hard to walk with a limp ♪

♪ Bought new shoes, all my money is spent ♪

♪ Hustling and making loot ♪

♪ 'Cause I have to wear a corrective boot ♪

-Come on, come on, man.

Sing the song, put some baby in the song, man.

Sing it.

-♪ You know it's hard to walk with a limp ♪

♪ Bought new shoes, all my money is spent ♪

♪ Hustling and making loot ♪

♪ 'Cause I have to wear a corrective boot ♪

♪ You know it's hard to walk with a limp ♪

♪ Bought new shoes, all my money is spent ♪

♪ Hustling and making loot ♪

♪ 'Cause I have to wear a corrective boot ♪

♪ You know it's hard to walk a limp, y'all know ♪

-My man put a demo together that day, and he went to meet

the big-time rapper, Emcee Head Slim,

'cause he knew that Emcee Head Slim could put him on.

-Man, why's you crying?

-I'm playing a Terrence Howard look-alike, man --

He cry in every movie he in, man.

-Oh. So, uh --

-You changed, man. I was at your first concert,

man, right here in our hometown, man.

I was caught up in the concert, man,

and you must have got caught up in the girls

yelling and screaming.

-♪ When I say picket ♪

♪ Y'all say fix yo ♪

♪ My picket ♪

♪ Yeah, my picket ♪

♪ Yo, when I say pi-- ♪

Hold on, y'all. Man, cut the music, Jay.

Man, I can't believe somebody threw a [bleep] pair

of underwear up here at me.

Man, don't this [bleep] stain look like George Clinton?

Look.

-What I'm saying, man, is you got my underwear

I threw up on the stage, man.

-Man, how you expect me

to remember some stuff from 12 years ago?

-I'd like to have them back, man.

-I probably threw those underwear away that night.

-I'm gonna tell you what, man.

I'm-a cut a deal with you.

I'm-a give you my demo, man. You take a listen --

see what you can do.

-Oh!

Man, this is an 8-track tape.

Haven't you ever heard of a CD?

I wasn't even born when this came out.

-It's all I got, man.

-I'm-a check it out.

[ Sighs ]

-So, you lied to me, huh, man?

-Man, would you get out of my face?

-You threw my demo in the trash, man?

-Dawg, didn't I tell you to get out of my face, dude?

-Okay. Hey, man!

Them is my underwear, man.

-No! These is not your underwear.

-Yes, they are.

-Aah! Oh!

-Somebody gonna listen to my demo.

-I thought T was one of the best rappers there was in Memphis.

But you know what?

T's record about a corrective boot --

it became a huge underground record in Memphis.

But T didn't make a dime on it.

Someone down on bootlegged it.

Can you believe that? I mean --

-Not exactly ugly, but, you know,

if we could keep her from loosing anymore teeth,

she might be good for the brothers.

-♪ Whoo! Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, get lights, baby ♪

♪ Up in the morning, brush, brush, my teeth ♪

♪ Take a leak, so unique ♪

♪ Hit the gym for the physique ♪

-All right, y'all.

Ladies, look, come here.

Whatever cash you made, put it on the table, okay?

-♪ I come through, make it with the party does ♪

♪ And I still kick the [bleep] to make your body buzz ♪

-Um...

-♪ Left the imprint, imprint but I'm still too sick ♪

♪ For them to get with so they oughta quit ♪

-Okay.

-♪ I leave a scent ♪ -It's a trophy.

-♪ So they don't forget when it's time to get right ♪

-♪ They got to get light ♪

-♪ Come on ♪ -♪ Get light ♪

♪ Get light ♪

-Okay. Um...

[ Laughs ]

Alright, look, y'all -- stop. Stop.

It's funny. Y'all got me.

Joke's on JoJo.

Stop playing, put the cash on the table, y'all.

Let's get the cash on the table. Come on.

-But you told us to get whatever we could get.

-Girl, that's a trophy.

-What is this?

-That's the money that the girls made.

-No cash?

-Okay, I don't -- -This sandwich looks good.

And I'm feeling this medallion.

-It's not a medallion. -Huh?

-That's an IUD.

Women put that in their uterus to prevent pregnancies.

-Listen, look, that's all fine, and that's all fun and games.

Y'all got till the count of three

to put some money on this table.

One, two -- t-two-and-a-half.

Two-and-three-quarters. What? That's it?

-The rest of this is my money. -That's your money?

-This is my money. -Okay, sidebar.

-Side-- What's that? -Get over here.

-Oh. Right. Sidebar.

Excuse me, Avery.

I'll go to the side with you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

How'd we get a trophy?

-Any money that comes in this house...

-Yeah. -...is your money.

-Any of it. -Alright?

Now go over -- Back over to "Shim"

and get the rest of it.

-Okay. Just go get it?

Do I ask -- Okay. Alright.

-Come on, let's go. -Uh, [ clears throat ]

Excuse me, uh, Caramel.

I'm gonna need to get the rest of that money, woman.

-I'm sorry, JoJo, but this is my money.

-Okay, now, look, she's trying to embarrass you

in front of everybody. Take it out that [bleep] hands.

-That's kind of disrespectful to just --

-Say, "Give me the money [bleep]"

-Just like that? Okay.

Um, hey.

I said, "Give me the money [bleep]"

-Call me out of my name again. -Say it again.

-To her face? -Say it again.

-Okay.

Oh, you must think it's a game.

I said -- Aw! Jesus. Okay. Watch it.

Okay, um, give me half of it, if you want.

I don't even mind getting a half.

Okay. Um, you got a check?

If -- A check will do for right now --

Okay. That's the one. I think I'm asleep, baby.

Did I -- Did I do good, though?

-With water.

-Oh, Jesus. Okay.

-Aah!

[ Gasps ]

Aah! What the -- What?

I don't need this!

I don't need this! I quit!

I'm outta here.

[ Telephone rings ]

-3D Escort Enterprises. May I help you?

-We finally catch a break -- The Unit.

The hottest rap group in the country is in town,

and they need a few dates for the evening.

You know we was gonna hook them up.

-Oh, the humanity. -Oh, my God!

I love them! I love them!

-♪ You ready to ride? ♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Door opens ] -♪ Don't get it twisted ♪

♪ I'm not a misfit ♪

♪ I'm just a product of being born in the district ♪

-They in here, y'all.

-♪ I don't pop ♪ -♪ No ♪

-Um, I think we got the wrong room, yo.

-Oh, no, no, no, baby girl.

You definitely in the right spot, you know what I'm saying?

-The -- The -- The -- The Unit.

-What -- What we gonna do, y'all?

-I know what to do, y'all.

♪ Get behind the [bleep] ♪

Run. Run.

Run.

-Go! Go!

You order, you order now!

You get the same thing every night --

shrimp fried rice.

-But I might want something different today, alright?

Uh, what's in the, uh, chicken teriyaki?

-Chicken. You know it's chicken.

-What's in the broccoli and shrimp?

-What you want, "Overy." -My name is Avery, not "Overy."

You know my name is Avery.

Just give me the shrimp fried rice.

-Oh, you make me sick.

Next!

-Uh, yeah, hold up, hold up!

It's a mother[bleep] robbery.

It's a mother[bleep] robbery. That's right.

-At 55, Treyvon Duece

was the oldest active gang member in Los Angeles.

-You got to keep up. Up against the cart,

or we'll bust a cap in your ass.

What I want you to do is in that bag

give me a sleeve of Callaways, or I'll bust a cap in your ass.

Oh, hey! He got a 9!

He got a 9, yo! -As a Hoover Street Crip,

Treyvon had been doing dirt for over 40 years.

-Ah! -After getting hit with a 9,

Trey said goodbye to the gangster life,

went to school, received his law degree,

and is now known as Judge Trey Duece.

-Your Honor, we was together for, like, six months,

and then stuff just started coming up missing.

-Like what? -He took my washer and dryer.

-That would be a lie, Your Honor.

I just took the dryer.

-It doesn't matter. You still took 'em.

-Your Honor, this is just some angry, vengeful woman stuff.

She's angry because I don't want her.

I mean, look at her.

She's let herself go way down.

-Okay, now when he met you,

he did admit to you that he was a thief, right?

-Correct?

-Well, it don't take a [bleep] rocket scientist

to figure out sooner or later

your [bleep] gonna come up missing.

-What? -Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Sit your black asses down.

Now, I believe the defendant when he said what he said.

You just on some old get-back [bleep].

[ Knock on door ]

-[ Deep voice ] Hi. I have a package for Mr. Payton Profit.

-Sasha, that's you [bleep]. You ain't gonna --

-Ow!

That was my big toe!

-Hmm. Since Caramel quit, I had to pick up another girl.

-What's your name? -Chlamydia.

-Chlamydia?

It's a pretty name. -No, it's not.

-Turns out, she was popping penicillin like their Tic Tacs.

We had to wait 7-10 days before she could start.

-Guys, guys, you're gonna love this one.

-Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?

-'Cause he doesn't know he's black.

[ Laughs ]

-Sparky!

Sparky.

Sparky!

Excuse me.

Excuse me, have you seen my dog, Sparky?

He's a German Shepherd, he's brown, he got, like,

a little black spot on the back,

his eye is glistening like the amber in the summertime.

-No, we have not seen a doggie.

-[ Whimpers ] -Sparky?

Is that you?

That -- Sparky!

Come back with my dog!

Hey!

-J.J., listen --

-I don't even want to discuss Starlight.

I really don't, Silk.

-Starlight is not coming back.

She just bought a new home in Potomac.

-JoJo. -Yes.

Hey, Chlamydia.

-Can you run a Telecredit on this?

-Chlamydia, I told you we don't take checks.

You can't take checks.

No, give it to me. Go.

We don't take checks. -Chlamydia.

That's a very pretty name.

-No, it's not. -No, it's not.

-I had a ex-girlfriend named "Gono-resha" once,

and I thought that was a pretty name.

-That is a very pretty name, too.

-No, it's not. -No, it's not.

-I know if I don't start making some money soon,

we gonna be out in the streets.

-You just better be glad that you have that gun,

because otherwise I would whup your ass.

-You know what? You don't want to pay?

Suit yourself.

Come on, Cal.

-Houston, we have a problem.

Angela just wrote a check with the mouth

that we won't be able to cash.

Alright, look, now that that's over --

Okay, listen, y'all --

If you see her looking for something, help her!

-Here. -She's used to it.

She'll figure it out. -Vanity.

-Okay, this weekend's a big weekend --

All-Star Weekend. -All-Star Weekend?

-What? -I'm selling all my piss.

-There's gonna be some basketball players?

-Hey! Listen up now.

Now what I'm saying to y'all is this, okay?

Every NBA player is in town this weekend.

Love is gonna be crazy tonight.

I need you guys to get dressed.

I need you to bring back some money.

Time out. Time out. Ladies, listen.

Chlamydia, you're responsible for her teeth.

I want a change -- -They don't look that bad.

-I want a change today.

It shouldn't still look like that.

-Okay, I got it, I got it.

I'm-a get you some toothpaste.

-Thank you. -Sit down.

-♪ Make your way to the dance floor ♪

♪ Make your way to the dance floor ♪

♪ Make your way to the, to the ♪

♪ I said, make your way to the, to the ♪

-How are we supposed to recognize if they athletes?

-Just relax and just look straight ahead.

-Ooh. Yeah.

-He's cute.

-Hey. Yeah.

Hey. What's up, what's up?

-Hey. -Hi, there.

-This ain't right.

-Excuse me.

-Alright. I can take y'all.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

-Hi, POW.

Look, I have some religious materials for Profit.

Uh, I'd like to give it to him, please.

-He's not home. -Uh, POW, you know what?

If you help me I can help you.

-How can you help me? -I can help you walk.

-Walk? -I feel it.

-Feel what? -I feel it.

-Feel what? -This -- I command you to walk.

-Walk? -Get up out of that chair.

-I feel I can walk. -Come to me.

-I'm coming close.

-Come on. -I know.

-Oh, lordy! -I know.

-Yes!

-Listen to me.

Listen to me, man!

You can give them another chance, man.

Why are you always trying to be hard on us brothers, huh?

-Did you forget I'm black? I struggled.

I lived in the hood.

-You grew up in Gaithersburg, man.

[ Laughs ]

You ain't from the hood.

You always trying to give white people a break, man.

-I'm-a shut 'em down.

-Alright, men, at 2200 hours we're gonna get them hookers,

and we're gonna get them good.

Cal, I want you and your man

to make an insertion from the north.

Rodriguez and his crew will come up from the south.

And then we'll penetrate the middle,

and thrust, thrust, thrust.

[ Sirens wailing ]

[ Tires screech ]

[ Women screaming ]

[ Wailing continues ]

-What's going on? This is America!

Why we got to keep going there? You know why...

-Sparky! Anybody seen Sparky?

-A-As you can see, there's a lot going on here.

Bob, I'm gonna get a comment from some eyewitnesses.

-Aah! Sparky!

-Well, to give you a precise account

of exactly what occurred,

the police were -- -Uh, not you, sir.

You. Sir. -Whoo-whoo!

-What happened?

-Ah, yeah, well, you know, I ain't seen the whole thing,

but -- but from my vantage point,

I sees the police officers coming in from over there.

-The southern part of the block. -Yes, ma'am.

And thens everybody starts to run north.

And then some mens start to be fighting the polices over there.

But other than that, I ain't seen nothing.

-Bob, basically what he's saying is is from his vantage point,

the po-po come from the south side,

and then some mens started fighting right there.

Bob, I couldn't have put it any better.

There you have -- an eyewitness report

from the biggest bust this city has seen in years.

-Back it up. -Oo-oo!

Don't worry, snowflake. I'll come for you.

-Let my hands go! Let me go!

You don't know who I am.

You want to play rough?

Okay.

I'll bury all you cockroaches.

-Get your ass in that jail. -No problem.

-You're hurting me!

Let me go!

This is abuse!

Abuse!

Cannot believe this! Let me go!

I have broken no laws here. Alright?

But one of you all broke one of my nails.

Somebody hold my dog.

I'm calling the NAACP, the Urban League,

Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, the HBCU, the NCAA,

Barack Obama, Nancy Grace, Oprah Winfrey.

Oh, you gonna pay!

-When you gonna get us out of here?

Everybody else been bailed out.

-I'm-a get you guys out of here as soon as possible.

Mohogany -- -JoJo, JoJo, we know

that you're not gonna be able to do that.

-Angela, what I'm doing is -- okay, I'm-a go to the bank

in the morning, and then when I get to the bank,

I'm-a talk to the bank about taking out a loan.

-Just shut up, JoJo. Just shut up.

-Uh, I-I got some bad news.

The, uh, they came by and took the kids.

-JoJo, what did you just say?

-The Child Protection people came by and took the kids.

-Wait, w-where did they take my kids, JoJo?

-Right now your kids are -- Your kids are in foster care.

They're fine -- -Oh, my God.

-Your kids are fine.

-JoJo, wait, where the --

How are you gonna let them take my kids?

-Do you know what you were being charged with?

They got you on -- on prostitution

and three counts of child endangerment.

Like, that's serious.

Now, what I do know, because I've talked to the officer,

he said that after your hearing has passed,

then you got a better chance of getting your kids back.

More than likely, you will.

-3D would have never allowed them to take my kids.

Get me the hell out of here,

so I can go and I can get my kids.

-What about the children, JoJo?

♪ What about the ♪

♪ Children? ♪

-The next morning, I went to Mow Ping's

and sold Susie's tooth necklace to Mama Mow.

Now, I knew I could get at least 3 grand for my car.

I got $500.

Yeah, that's all I could get.

But thank God for Avery,

because he was selling clean pee by the quart.

I still didn't have enough money

to get Angela out of jail, though.

-Hey, man, listen, baby.

It's no tension.

Just get in, man, I want to talk to you.

-I'm a [bleep]?! No, you're a [bleep] [bleep]!

Oh, no, no! No, no.

Who you talking to? -Stone!

-You done snitched on everybody and their mother!

-Rockstone! Get off the phone, man!

-Hey, hey -- I -- I got to go.

I got -- Grandma, I got to go.

Okay, I'll pick you up from church on Sunday.

Okay, I love you, too.

[ Smooches ]

Uh, my bad, Sexy.

-Wow. That was ghetto.

-Monday morning has arrived, and the courthouse is filled.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-All rise.

The Honorable Joseph A. Purgatory

will be presiding over these proceedings.

This is a case of the State versus Angela A. Roquemore.

[ Door opens and closes ]

-Hey, y'all, there's Judge Trey from TV!

Judge Trey!

[ All chanting "Judge Trey!" ]

-Hey, hey, hey! Okay, okay, okay!

Okay, okay! Order in the court.

Y'all take a seat.

Okay, let's see what we've got here.

We've got prostitution and child endangerment.

I detest any woman -- any woman --

who engages in sex for sale.

Prostitution is illegal in the District of Columbia.

Exposing your children to that lifestyle --

that is despicable!

However, I am just here to judge these proceedings.

We have selected a jury of your peers

who we think will be objective, unbiased, and fair.

Bailiff, can you bring in the jury?

[ Indistinct talking ]

Okay, well, I see you have exercised your right

not to use a public defender.

Who is the counselor of note

for Mrs. Roquemore? -I am, Your Honor.

-What are you credentials to practice law in this district?

-Um... [ Clears throat ]

I, uh, knew that you would exact that question

from your large vocabulary

to reduce the intimidation factor by minimal overloads

to somehow manifest the relevant to the irrelevant.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Order in the court! Order in the court!

Okay, I will ask you again.

What makes you think you can practice law in my courtroom?

-I, uh, worked at prepaid...[mumbles].

-What was that?

-I worked at prepaid legal for, like, three weeks.

[ Laughter ] -Prepaid legal?

Did he say "prepaid legal"?

[ Laughs ]

Prepaid legal?

Hell, I did prepaid legal.

Why didn't you say "prepaid legal"?

-You did? -Prepaid legal.

-Class of '03. -'63.

Sky five. Oh!

-You too?

Your Honor, the defense would like to bring to the stand,

Mr. JoJo Dickerson.

-To be honest with you, Judge, um,

I-I've known Angela all my life, man.

-Could you just hurry the [bleep] up?

And why you got so many people up here anyway?

-Are you talking to me?

-Maybe I'm just like my brother.

-Do you understand what I'm saying?

I love her. And unlike Vic

and his punk-ass friends, I'd go to jail to protect mine.

So anybody try to do anything to goddamn Angela, I'll kill you.

You better not let this goddamn wheelchair fool you.

I'll find your ass.

I'm telling you right now.

-Angela is an incredible ho...memaker.

Can I go?

-[ Coughing ]

She's just like my mom --

She used to buy us cotton candy --

took us to the park...

[ Coughing ]

bought us condoms.

-Puff, puff, pass [bleep]. -Okay.

-Jesus Christ.

-What about...

the children?

♪ What about ♪

♪ The children? ♪

-What about the goddamn children?

-Now, she the only one pay for me to go to Iraq to fight

when the Army wouldn't take me.

I bought my own plane ticket, went over there in the fight.

I didn't want to fight. I heard it was a rumble

over there, and I rumble.

-Mrs. Prosecutor, can we have your case, please?

-Thank you, Your Honor. The District of Columbia,

we recommend that this defendant be prosecuted

to the fullest extent of the law.

[ Crowd booing ]

[ Gavel bangs ]

-Order in the court! Order in the court!

Now, before we take this case to trial,

and I recommend a guilty verdict,

would the defense like to make a closing remark?

-Okay, uh, Judge Trey, can I have a few words

with you, please? -By all means.

-I feel like you pre-judged me.

And you don't know me.

You don't know what I've been through.

You don't know my struggles.

Now, my children, they are well taken care.

Guess what? They attend private school,

and they receive the love that most children dream of.

So, yes, Judge Trey, you can take my children away from me,

because you assume

that I'm incapable to taking care of them.

But can I ask you a question, Judge Trey?

Can you, with a clear conscience, sleep at night,

Judge Trey, knowing that you have broken up a happy family?

So, please Judge Trey, don't judge this book by its cover.

I'm a mom on the inside, Judge Trey,

but all you see is a ho.

And it's the same ho

that you came to visit on Minnesota Avenue

at 2:00 o'clock in the morning...

-That's an outrageous lie!

-...and had me wearing the mascot head of a duck

as part of your kinky little fetishes.

-Wear no damn duck head in my life.

[ Crowd gasping ]

What?! I'm wearing slippers.

These are slippers.

I bought these at Duck World.

Can't a man wear slippers?

I mean, these are slippers.

-Everything is back to normal now.

The neighborhood is back.

Angela was found innocent and the kids were returned to her,

but, unfortunately, the Mows are having a little problem

primarily with the Health Department and the SPCA.

-You cannot do this to me!

I've been feeding everyone for years!

-The Mows' loss is my gain.

I sold the escort business to Sexy Silk,

then I took the proceeds out and bought all the Mow's businesses.

Yep. You see that?

Dreams do come true.

Wait, wait, wait! That's not the end of the story.

Angela became a United States Senator

of the great state of Louisiana.

Mohogany, well, she's out of the business now.

She's successfully sued the prosthetic company in Oregon,

and received a nice settlement

and is now working for Angela as her press secretary.

Payton is doing great, but he still has Sasha problems.

-What, Sasha? -I'm pregnant.

-You're not even showing.

And that's an anal thermometer.

-Ew!

[ Knocking on door ]

He's kicking.

-Oh!

Who got you pregnant? Sean John?

-My cousin Avery has a successful

hair transplant business.

-From Avery Enterprises --

Are you losing your hair prematurely?

Now there's the Pubic Hair Club For Men.

-I used to always wear a baseball cap,

'cause my thinning hair line

used to make me look older than I was.

But then I found out about the Pubic Hair Club For Men.

And look at me now.

I mean, it changed my life.

I mean, I've never looked better.

I mean, I feel sexy.

-Yes, the Pubic Hair Club For Men

is a painless procedure where hair follicles are removed

from your pubic and scrotum region,

also known as the "nutsack," and placed on your head.

-The Pubic Hair Club For Men has made Taquan

look like a totally new person.

And the amazing thing is he's grown a total new grade of hair.

Yes, baby, you've got good hair now.

It smells a little salty, but it looks so good.

[ Sniffing ]

-The Pubic Hair Club For Men -- call now.

From Avery Labs Inc.

-Vanity now works at a cosmetic counter

at a major department store applying makeup.

-Ah! There it is! [ Laughs ]

Go on and knock 'em dead, tell 'em about that.

-And Ms. Benning Road, well, she lost her title

after getting caught in an uncompromising lip lock

with another woman while getting involved in a drunken bar fight.

-I just want to say I'm sorry to all the little children.

♪ The precious, tiny little children ♪

-Y'all being a little rough with her.

That's my job.

-And Sebastion's still doing that hood thing.

-Here we go. Sebastion -- and action.

-Hey, what's good? It's Sebastion D. Hood

with another fine product from HOOD Enterprises --

Hood Water.

Now, most companies get their water from glaciers

and mountain streams, but we keep it real.

We get the water from right here in the hood.

Not -- Man, get on out of here.

No additives like salt and chlorine, phosphates --

pure river water.

We go through a step-by-step process

to make sure that only the finest waters

goes into our bottles and into your bellies.

Call today, and we'll send you two free quarts of water.

So, rememberer -- Whoa!

[ Gunshot ]

What the -- -Cut! Cut! Cut!

-The black cop is now directing traffic,

and the white cop is still trying to get some ass.

-How you doing, baby? What's up? Damn.

-Yeah, well, business is booming.

It's going very well,

and I'll tell you what, if you're ever in D.C. --

Y-You guys feel free to stop by whenever you want.

I got to go, though. I got some customers.

[ Laughs ] Hey!

You look you buy! Huh?

Yes. Buy!