All language subtitles for Everybody Still Hates Chris s01e04 The KKK.eng

[upbeat music]

- There's a moment
in every boy's life

when he becomes a man.

And in that moment
is when he realizes

that instead of buying
cologne,

he can just rock free samples
from inside men's magazines.

If I wear this, I'm going home
with at least four numbers.

[inhales]
That's that good musk.

- We're gonna pull
all kinds of ladies

at Spiegelman's party tomorrow.

I heard the last one,
they played Manishewitz bong.

- I can't believe
we got invited.

- So we actually didn't.

- Then why am I rubbing

Billy Dee's balls
all over my neck?

- First of all,
his name is Lando.

And relax,
I overheard Spiegelman

talking about it when I was
stuffed in a locker.

Overhearing is
basically an invitation.

- And Greg was
basically a loser.

- But he said there's gonna be
a ton of food,

it could go all weekend,
and Spiegelman's cousins

are coming from Connecticut-
the girl cousins.

Out-of-town girls
love to put out.

- Good enough for me.

I just need to get
permission from my mom.

Wait. Is it seriously 7:25?

If I break curfew,
I'll need permission

from my mom to breathe again.

- I'd have my dad give you
a ride, but this time of night,

he's parked somewhere,
crying in his car.

- [sobs] No one respects me.

- [breathing heavily]

These white folks were acting
like I was the scariest thing

in the neighborhood.

[menacing music]

- [shouts]
[glass shatters]

[dog whines]

- I wasn't.

[dramatic notes]

Uh...
- You lost?

- That's what
the Native Americans said

when you showed up.

- You take that train
right there,

and you get back
to where you belong.

- [gasping]

- I better never
see you here again.

- The KKK in NYC?

All I could think was, GTFO.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

While I was running
from the Klan,

Drew and Tonya were-
wait, they're at the movies

while I'm running
from the Klan?

- Finally, "Karate Dad 2."

I can't believe it's been
six weeks since the first one.

- There's nothing my dad
loved more than a B movie,

but those were expensive.

So we went to C movies.

- [gasps]

[sultry music]

Daddy, do I really have to see
the same movie as you guys?

- Why, baby?
Do you want to see

"Adrienne Goes to Camp"
instead?

- Uh, yeah.

You know how much I love
the other Adrienne movies.

"Adrienne Goes to Space,"
"Adrienne Goes to War,"

"Adrienne Goes to Tampa."

- Drew also liked C movies,
but he loved having

his very own action hero more.

- Dad, you would kick
that alien's ass,

which I guess is
also his mouth.

- You got that right.

I would put my foot
all up in that ass-mouth.

[exciting music]

Why is this light on?

That's 4 yen worth
of electricity.

- Wax on, lights off.

- I don't know
how to tie a tie.

- [vocalizing]

- We're here to stop you
from being such a good dad.

- If I don't survive,
take my place

as the protector
of our family.

Your older brother is useless.

Gah!

- I can't believe Tonya wanted
to see "Adrienne Goes to Camp."

- She didn't.

- It's so scandalous

that you're
my fianc�'s brother.

- Our love can never be.

- Yes, it can!
- Shh.

- You shush.

- I couldn't let
my mom find out about

my run-in with the KKK,

or that would mean
no Spiegelman party.

[panting]

- Cutting it close, Chris.

[dramatic musical sting]

Two more minutes,
and I would have opened

a can of sleepy time whup-ass.

- I was gonna call collect,
but I knew

you wouldn't accept
the charges.

- At $0.54 a minute?

Do you want your father
to leave me?

- Good point, Mom.

Well, I'm gonna go wash up.

- Wash up?

Are you a 45-year-old banker
having an affair?

What's going on with you?

- Nothing.

Well, good night.
- [sniffs]

Why do you smell like
the old guy at the club?

- I was at Greg's.

You know
that's his signature scent.

- Chris, tell me
what's going on.

- Nothing.

- Well, Greg already told me.
- How?

Greg wasn't with me
when I ran into the KKK.

- The KK-what?

- Oop. Damn it.

- In New York City?
- I know.

How do they keep those sheets
white in these grimy streets?

[dramatic music]

- You think this is a joke?

- No, I-
- Go to your room.

- Mom, it wasn't as bad
as you think.

- Boy, I said go to your room.

We'll deal with this tomorrow.

- [sighs]

Well, so much for meeting
Spiegelman's girl cousins,

Shalom, Shoshana,
Liat, and Tamar.

I'm renaming
my left hand Leah.

- What a great movie.

How about that scene where
Karate Dad beat the villain

with his baby's car seat?

- And he still made it
to his colonoscopy on time.

- Or when the woman realizes
she was marrying a good boy,

but she wanted a bad boy...

at camp?

- What the hell kind of camp
did Adrienne go to?

[trio harmonizing]

- Can I help y'all?

- * How did your head ?
all: * Get so shiny? ?

- So shiny.
[laughter]

- A big thing in the '80s
was a cappella,

singing without instruments.

But if these boys
messed with my dad,

they'd be singing
without teeth.

- Just get off my stoop.

[dramatic music]

[vocalizing]

- Hmm.
- Nah, man.

? Are you hearing
these acoustics? ?

- You do not want to mess
with my dad.

- Oh, is that so?

[tense music]

[grunts]
- Ah!

- Damn, he flinched.

Mr. Potato Head flinched.

[laughter]

- That was the first time
Drew saw our dad get punked.

He went from Karate Dad to...

[declining music]

The Flincher!

- [high-pitched] Come on.
We're going inside.

- [groans]

- I knew I wasn't
leaving the house again

until Martin Luther King's
dream came true,

so I was getting comfortable

with the idea
of sitting my Black ass

on my bed for the rest of-

- Chris, get your
Black ass in here!

- Is this for me?

- Oh, dang it.

I forgot your favorite cereal.

- [gasps]

- Mmm. This food is amazing.

Wait. Is Grandma sick?

Did Chris call you collect,
and now Daddy's leaving?

[gasps] Is El DeBarge dead?

- No, that ain't for you.

If you want something,
there's a store

around the corner.
- [scoffs]

- What's the occasion?
My funeral?

- The occasion is me
taking care of my baby

after what he went
through yesterday.

Now, hurry up and eat.
I borrowed Nessa's car,

and we're going to the arcade.

- If this was gonna be
her reaction,

I was gonna play the KKK card

all the way
to Spiegelman's party.

- Drew, there's a 2:00 PM
showing of "Chef Assassin."

If the bullets don't kill you,
the seasoning will.

[high-pitched]
Wanna go?

- [sighs] No, I'm all right.

- But he kicks ass
in three courses.

- I just want to get
a head start

on next month's homework.

- Really?
Well, if you change your mind,

you know where to find me.

[normally]
What's going on with him?

- Seeing that sexy movie
awakened a desire in Tonya

she'd never felt before:
desire.

all: * Ooh, bah-dah ?

- Excuse me.

Me and my long-lost sister
are trying to catch up.

- [frog croaks]
- [vocalizing]

- Can you just leave him alone?

- Who's gonna make us,
your flinching dad?

Ooh, now that's a jam, fellas.

all: * You got
a flinching dad ?

? Your daddy's a flinch ?

- Turns out my sister was
like every other girl I knew.

She had a soft spot
for light-skinned brothers

who could sing.

- Wow.

- Come on, sis.
[frog croaks]

- So I'm thinking
"Donkey Kong" first,

then "Punch-Out,"
"Ms. Pac-Man" for the lady-

- Hold up, you thought we were
here to play some video games?

- Yeah.

- I told you I was gonna
take care of you.

So today, you're enrolled
in your mama's

You Ain't White Academy.

- My mama's what?

- Lesson one: don't ever be
the only Black boy

in a group of white kids
acting up,

'cause when things go down,
they'll never have your back.

- Is there a GED
for this school?

- There's a GET
your ass whupped

if you don't pay attention.

Focus!

- Well, so much
for the arcade.

If I wanted to go
to Spiegelman's party,

I'd have to do
like I did in school

and say what the teacher
wanted to hear.

Thank you, Mother,
for the opportunity

to soak up your wisdom.

You know, the world is

scarier than ever
for young Black men-

- You trying to play me
in my borrowed car?

You know, this is about more

than just one ugly guy
in a hood.

- What makes you
so sure he's ugly?

- If you look like
Robert Redford,

you don't cover your face.

Besides, a bigger problem
than a fool in bed sheets

are the racists who seem
like regular people.

- She means Americans.

Mom, I learned this in school.

- Well, I lived it,

in South Carolina, in the '50s.

I saw some things, boy.

- [sighs] OK.

What's the next lesson?

- You hungry?

I got a egg sandwich
coming your way.

[gasps]

[high-pitched] Ow, ow!
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!

Ooh, ow! Hot, hot, hot!

If I don't survive,
you must take my place

as the protector
of our family.

- How about I make you
an egg sandwich, Dad?

- No, I got it.

- No, I'm stepping up.

It'll be a flinch-
I mean, cinch.

- Wait, is that why you've been
acting all funny-style?

- [sighs]
You just kind of backed down

with those singers.

- Son, being strong isn't
about hitting people or-

[high-pitched]
Meep, meep, meep,

meep, meep, meep, meep, meep,
meep, meep, meep, meep, meep.

Are you even listening?

- It's cool.
I'm not even hungry anymore.

- Have you lost respect
for meep?

- OK, lesson 12:

a lot of people think
shoplifting is no big deal,

and it's not if you're white,

which, as we've discussed,
you ain't.

[bell dings]

If you shoplift,
you better make sure

you're ready to do 50 to life
over a pack of Nutter Butters.

- Excuse me, that lady just-

- Lesson 13:
mind your damn business.

[hip-hop music playing]

? ?

- Traffic, weather
and "Rhapsody in Blue"

every ten minutes.

- Hey.

- It's not what you want
to listen to.

It's what the cop wants
to listen to

in case you get pulled over.

That's lesson 23.

- I'm not gonna get
pulled over.

[sirens chirp]

- Lesson 24: yes, you will.

- But I didn't do anything.

- Half of jail
didn't do anything.

Both hands on the wheel.
Look confident.

I didn't say cocky.
Wallet on the dash.

Keep them hands on the wheel.
- How can I-

- When the cop walks up,
make eye contact,

but don't eyeball him.

- What?
That doesn't make sense.

[knock on window]

- Take a deep breath.

- [breathes deeply]

[gasps]
Nessa? You're a cop?

- No, I'm an actor.

I studied at the distinguished
Nipsey Russell's Junior College

of Night School
and Auto Repair and-yeah.

I played my role, Chelle.

Give me my car back.

- No, Nessa! Drive, Chris.

Boy, just drive!
[tires squeal]

- Give it back!

Ooh, these extensions hitting
me all up in my eye, oh.

- I can't believe
you had Nessa do that.

What's next, sending in someone
to rob this place?

- If Jerome would have
done it for $10, yes.

- This is stressing me out
like real school.

- What can I get you?

- A cheeseburger and a Coke.

- Just a strawberry shake.

- He'll take a Coke.

Don't forget, you ain't white.

You're Blacktose intolerant.

- All right,
I'll call you guys up.

- Thanks.

And?

- Um, thanks for your business.

Hambur-bye.

- The receipt, Lenny.
Proof of purchase.

- I'm gonna have
to reload the roll.

- I'll wait.

- This.
This is what I want from you.

- That's when we both realized

I was crushing
You Ain't White Academy.

- Up next, graduating at
the top of his class, Chris.

[applause]

- That's my baby!

- Calm down.
That's my baby too.

- That's my baby!

- Bitch, calm down!
That's my baby too.

- Chill.
You messing up my rhythm.

Congrats, baby.

- But this is how
I was feeling.

- Chris is at my party?

Tonight just got way cooler.

- You're welcome.

- Chrissy, you promised
we'd Cabbage Patch.

- [sighs]
Got to go, Spiegs.

Booty calls.

Here, sweet thang.
Hold my receipts.

- * Well, here's a new dance
that can't be matched ?

? So just step to the floor
and do the Cabbage Patch ?

- Uh, cheeseburger
and two Cokes.

- Hey, that's mine.

- You got proof
of purchase, punk?

'Cause I do.

[trio vocalizing]

- Excuse me, gentlemen,

our bubble bath won't
run itself.

- Mm, these boys got some soul.

- Yeah.

- Mm, just what
my grieving heart needs.

all: * His flinching face,
how scared was he ?

- Uh, the man flinched.
Get over it.

all: * He pissed his pants ?

- * With pee ?

- These boys are distracting.

They are making me mess up
my appointments.

- And all this a cappella is
why my fruit sales are down.

Definitely that, not 'cause
they're three weeks expired.

- Somebody's got
to do something

about this musical terrorism.

- All right,
fools, show's over.

I got a bristle
with your name on it.

[dramatic music]

- What are you doing?

- It's OK.
I got this.

- Well, well, well,
if it isn't the Flinch.

- I didn't flinch.

I was stepping
in front of my kids.

I ain't scared
of none of y'all.

- Oh, you want to go?

- No, I was explaining that-

- Then let's do it.

? Me, me, me
versus you, you, you ?

- Yeah, get 'em, Julius.

Beat these guys up for
messing up my very fresh fruit.

[all cheering]

- [sighs]
I hate to do this,

but if I win,
you boys leave this block.

- No!

I mean, go, Dad.

- Drew was happy someone was
finally standing up

to these harmonizing bullies,
but he wasn't sure

if my dad was the one
to do it.

[classical music playing]
- This was cool, Ma.

You taught me a lot.

I appreciate it.

- Well, you're a great student.

Why don't you do
better in school?

- Hey, so since
we're in the car already,

think you could give me
a ride to this kid

Spiegelman's party?

- Spiegel-whose what now?

- There's a party the kids
from school are going to.

- Did I not get through to you?
- You did.

I'm fully prepared
to attend this party safely.

- If you were fully prepared,
you wouldn't go.

I can't let you go
to a white kid party

in a white neighborhood.

- But you make me
go to a white school

in a white neighborhood.

- Well, maybe you shouldn't.

Maybe your ass should
stay next to me 24/7

so I can keep my eye on you.

- I have to be on lockdown
just 'cause you're scared?

- Because you're
not scared enough.

You know what?

You're never leaving
the house again.

- Then I'll never
speak to you again.

- Ha, whatever.
I'd rather have

a mute living boy
than a dead talking one.

- Fine.

- Where are you going?

Chris, come back here!

He is not doing this.

Chris!

- [grunting]

- Julius, do you know
where I put Whoopi Goldbelt?

- Whoopi Goldbelt?

Who's about to get
they ass whupped?

Are you mad about something?

- What makes you think
I'm mad?

- Uh, nothing at all, baby.

Are you?

- I'm mad. I'm scared.

I'm all of it, Julius.

- What's going on, baby?

- Chris jumped out the car
and left.

- He what?

- I was trying to teach him
some life lessons,

but then he got upset
because I wasn't gonna

let him go to some white party

in some white neighborhood
late at night.

He's-he's not ready
for all of that.

- He's growing up.

We can't keep him locked
in his room forever.

- I know that, Julius.

I would never suggest
something like that.

But what if something
happens to him out there?

- Look, you've prepared him.

You've prepared all our kids.

But sometimes, we just got
to let them live their lives

and hope that what
we've done is enough.

If there's a problem,
we'll handle it, together.

- Look at you, being all wise.

- I try.
Now, excuse me.

I got to go fight
some teenagers.

[upbeat music]

- Julius is gonna
beat your ass.

- But just your ass,
not your face.

Not that I care.

[tense music]

- Dad, are you sure
this is a good idea?

- Yeah, you can't flinch
your way out of this.

- [sighs]
All right. Go ahead.

Throw your best punch.

? ?

- [grunts]

Come on. He flinched.
He flinched again.

- [chuckles]
No, you threw a horrible punch.

Hopefully, your friends can
punch better than you.

- Yeah!
Nope.

- Whoa.

- Even if you had
landed that punch,

you probably would have
broken your hand.

The only thing he can hit
is high notes.

[laughter]

- Oh, snap.

- Ball up your fist like this,
and then plant your leg.

That'll give your swing
more power, son.

- Oh, dang, you just moved him
like a paperclip.

- Being strong is
only half the battle.

You also got to know
when to use that strength.

That's what makes
someone powerful.

Now, will you guys please
find another stoop?

- All right, boys.
all: * Let's bounce ?

- I haven't fed my cat in days.

- In that moment,
Tonya knew she'd never fall

for a light-skinned
brother again.

[sultry music]

? ?

- I'm gonna go for a jog.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, Dad,
should we watch "Karate Dad 3,"

"Son of Karate Dad,"

or what about
"Dick Buttless, PI"?

- Do I even have to say?

both: "Dick Buttless, PI."

- I've got to get my own TV.

- Hey, Buttless,
get your ass in here!

- I would if I could, Captain.

- You OK, Rochelle?

- Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

I'm not even thinking
about Chris.

[phone rings]
Chris?

- Hello.
You have a collect call from:

- Mom, I'm sorry.
You were right.

- To the accept charges,
press 1.

[dial tone]
- Chris! Chris!

[phone rings]

- Hello.
You have a collect call from:

- I shouldn't have left
the car, OK?

- To accept the charges,
press 1.

[dial tone]
[phone rings]

- Hello.
You have a collect call from:

- I'm so sorry, Mama!
I'm sorry!

- Chris, Chris, Chris.
Slow down.

I accepted the charges.

both: You did?
- I know today was a lot.

It's just if something happened
because I didn't do enough-

I overreacted.

- No, you didn't.

I thought about
how much you worry.

And after today, I get why.

[somber music]

? ?

- [sobbing]

- I shouldn't have run off.

I'm coming home.

- No, you go to the party.

You're gonna be OK.

- Wait. Are you sure?

- I don't know, but I trust you
to handle yourself.

- Well, I had a great teacher.

- You're damn skippy.

- Thanks for taking
the time today, Ma.

I love you.

- I love you too.

And I'm gonna
lovingly beat your ass

if you're not home by 10:30.

And no shortcuts.

I don't want you running
into any more KKK men.

- What-what-what men?

[upbeat music]

- Let's get this party started.

- We are so gonna lose
our virginities tonight.

- You must be Murray's friends
from school.

And you came to show respect
for my mother.

What little mensches you are.

- Wait, I went through
all of this for a funeral?

- There's three kinds
of herring-

pickled, creamed, and smoked.

Help yourself.

- [sniffs]

You smell nice,
like my late husband.

[sniffs]
He was a brother.

- I guess I couldn't say
the cologne didn't work.

Thanks a lot, Billy Dee.

- * Everybody hates Chris ?

- [whistling "Dixie"]

- Hey, did you see

a skinny Black kid
here the other night?

- I did, and I'll tell you
the same thing I told him.

Get lost.

- Oh, I'm going.

Just wanted to make sure
it was you.

The sheet makes you
all look the same.

[bright tone plays]

- * A beating ?
- * A beating ?

- * A beating ?

- Plant your back foot
and swing, boys.

all: * A, a, a, a foot

? All up in, in, in your ass ?

[all humming]

[clattering]

- [grunting]

- Just a little.

[all humming]

[clattering]

- [grunting]

[glass shatters]

[grunting]

- * MTV ?

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