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1
00:00:06,375 --> 00:00:07,724
- The 1980s was all about
2
00:00:07,809 --> 00:00:09,637
"The Sally Jessy Raphael
Show."
3
00:00:09,721 --> 00:00:11,897
She was a white lady
with three names,
4
00:00:11,981 --> 00:00:14,157
two shoulder pads,
and one concept-
5
00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:17,765
worrying people about nothing.
6
00:00:17,847 --> 00:00:19,110
Bye, Mom.
- Okay.
7
00:00:19,195 --> 00:00:21,414
Be safe out there,
Drew, Chris, or Tonya.
8
00:00:21,497 --> 00:00:23,499
- Up next,
we're gonna discuss
9
00:00:23,497 --> 00:00:25,541
the dangers of brothers
who aren't friends.
10
00:00:25,539 --> 00:00:27,323
[audience murmuring]
11
00:00:27,407 --> 00:00:28,800
- [gasps]
12
00:00:28,885 --> 00:00:30,887
- Distant siblings today,
13
00:00:30,971 --> 00:00:33,800
crackheads and murderers
tomorrow.
14
00:00:33,882 --> 00:00:36,711
- Why aren't you and Drew
going to school together?
15
00:00:36,794 --> 00:00:39,014
- Uh, we don't really
hang out there.
16
00:00:39,098 --> 00:00:40,273
[funky music]
17
00:00:40,358 --> 00:00:41,408
[laughter]
18
00:00:44,442 --> 00:00:46,487
- What?
Y'all ain't friends at school?
19
00:00:46,571 --> 00:00:48,741
Do you want him to be
a crackhead murderer?
20
00:00:48,744 --> 00:00:50,398
- No?
21
00:00:50,482 --> 00:00:52,876
- You and your brother
should be inseparable,
22
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:54,570
like best friends.
- [sighs]
23
00:00:54,568 --> 00:00:56,873
- I don't want him ending up
in the wrong crowd.
24
00:00:56,871 --> 00:00:59,341
You better stick to each other
like Cain and Abel.
25
00:00:59,348 --> 00:01:01,480
- She just read
"The Bible for Dummies."
26
00:01:01,564 --> 00:01:03,314
Why?
Drew's friends are harmless.
27
00:01:03,346 --> 00:01:04,825
Most of them belong to a dojo.
28
00:01:04,910 --> 00:01:07,435
- Dojo one day,
white blow the next.
29
00:01:07,518 --> 00:01:09,520
It's your job
to look out for him.
30
00:01:09,518 --> 00:01:12,214
And if you don't, you're gonna
have to look out for this.
31
00:01:12,211 --> 00:01:14,126
[suspenseful musical sting]
32
00:01:14,209 --> 00:01:17,125
[upbeat hip-hop music]
33
00:01:17,208 --> 00:01:19,863
- [panting]
Drew! Wait.
34
00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:22,949
Wouldn't it be fun if you
rode the bus today with me?
35
00:01:22,945 --> 00:01:24,075
Please?
36
00:01:24,075 --> 00:01:25,902
- Mm, okay, sure.
37
00:01:25,987 --> 00:01:27,205
Go on without me.
38
00:01:27,290 --> 00:01:28,639
all: Aw.
39
00:01:28,724 --> 00:01:31,118
- This is the worst day
of my life.
40
00:01:31,201 --> 00:01:32,811
- [sighs]
Crap.
41
00:01:32,895 --> 00:01:35,202
Jerome's out
on the stoop today.
42
00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,244
- What's up, little dude
from across the street?
43
00:01:37,242 --> 00:01:38,292
Let me hold a dollar.
44
00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:43,372
[ethereal choral vocalization]
45
00:01:43,455 --> 00:01:45,980
Oh, my Black Jesus.
46
00:01:46,063 --> 00:01:47,542
Let me give you a dollar.
47
00:01:47,627 --> 00:01:49,238
- Uh?
- Thanks.
48
00:01:49,237 --> 00:01:51,454
This will replace the one
I lost doing magic.
49
00:01:51,451 --> 00:01:53,409
- And here's a little something
for you, Drew's brother.
50
00:01:53,407 --> 00:01:55,235
- Ow. What the f-
[bus horn honks]
51
00:01:55,319 --> 00:01:56,769
Shoot.
[honking continues]
52
00:01:56,796 --> 00:02:00,757
? ?
53
00:02:00,838 --> 00:02:02,144
- [growls]
54
00:02:02,229 --> 00:02:03,404
No seats.
55
00:02:03,489 --> 00:02:05,143
- Here you go, Drew.
56
00:02:05,142 --> 00:02:06,271
Take mine.
57
00:02:06,270 --> 00:02:08,142
- [grunts]
58
00:02:08,140 --> 00:02:09,226
Here, Drew.
59
00:02:09,225 --> 00:02:10,400
Please, sit.
60
00:02:13,614 --> 00:02:15,486
- Whoo!
61
00:02:15,570 --> 00:02:18,355
- Next, Nancy Reagan shows
us how to give the perfect-
62
00:02:18,437 --> 00:02:19,699
- Tonya, don't go yet.
63
00:02:19,699 --> 00:02:21,308
Now that Drew is going
to Chris's school,
64
00:02:21,306 --> 00:02:23,176
you'll be the first one home
every day.
65
00:02:23,174 --> 00:02:26,569
So we've decided
you're ready for your own key.
66
00:02:26,651 --> 00:02:28,261
- [gasps]
67
00:02:28,345 --> 00:02:31,131
[dramatic electronic music]
68
00:02:31,214 --> 00:02:33,607
By the power of this key,
69
00:02:33,690 --> 00:02:38,565
I am a grown-up!
70
00:02:38,645 --> 00:02:40,275
- I can't believe it.
[sniffles]
71
00:02:40,339 --> 00:02:42,385
My little girl's
a latchkey kid.
72
00:02:42,469 --> 00:02:44,079
- Finally.
73
00:02:44,078 --> 00:02:45,730
Thank you, thank you, thank
you, thank you, thank you.
74
00:02:45,728 --> 00:02:48,165
- Hold on.
This is a big responsibility.
75
00:02:48,163 --> 00:02:49,902
We're trusting you
to let yourself in
76
00:02:49,900 --> 00:02:51,597
and mind the house alone.
77
00:02:51,595 --> 00:02:53,944
- Don't flash the key around,
don't let anyone in,
78
00:02:53,942 --> 00:02:55,899
and keep all the windows
and doors locked.
79
00:02:55,897 --> 00:02:57,985
- You think burglars
don't know how to climb?
80
00:02:57,983 --> 00:02:59,853
Their hands are good
for two things-
81
00:02:59,851 --> 00:03:01,505
climbing and burglaring.
82
00:03:01,589 --> 00:03:03,809
Okay, get going.
Love you, baby.
83
00:03:03,893 --> 00:03:05,547
- [humming]
84
00:03:05,631 --> 00:03:06,719
Ah!
- [grunts]
85
00:03:06,804 --> 00:03:08,675
- Son of a bitch.
86
00:03:08,759 --> 00:03:10,761
- And now we're gonna hear
from a parent
87
00:03:10,845 --> 00:03:13,674
whose son
chased a slinky off a bridge.
88
00:03:13,757 --> 00:03:16,325
- Rochelle, guess what I got.
89
00:03:16,322 --> 00:03:18,148
- I know what you got.
It got me three kids.
90
00:03:18,146 --> 00:03:19,495
- No.
91
00:03:19,494 --> 00:03:21,625
It's a two-for-one coupon
for that seafood place
92
00:03:21,623 --> 00:03:23,538
that also plays baseball games.
93
00:03:23,622 --> 00:03:25,015
Catch of the Day.
94
00:03:25,100 --> 00:03:26,536
Let's do a date night there.
95
00:03:26,620 --> 00:03:28,883
- I'm not going
to no seafood restaurant.
96
00:03:28,967 --> 00:03:30,751
Sally Jessy
did an episode where
97
00:03:30,835 --> 00:03:33,838
a beautiful, hardworking
mother of three ate fish,
98
00:03:33,921 --> 00:03:35,421
and do you know what happened?
99
00:03:35,420 --> 00:03:36,703
- She thanked her husband
for dinner?
100
00:03:36,702 --> 00:03:38,791
- She got gills, Julius.
101
00:03:38,875 --> 00:03:41,573
You won't catch me eating
no fish ever again.
102
00:03:41,570 --> 00:03:43,179
Why don't you take
one of your friends?
103
00:03:43,177 --> 00:03:44,308
- Friends?
104
00:03:44,394 --> 00:03:46,266
I got three kids,
two jobs, one wife,
105
00:03:46,350 --> 00:03:48,134
and zero seconds of free time.
106
00:03:48,132 --> 00:03:49,479
Adult friends
are for rich people.
107
00:03:49,478 --> 00:03:50,610
- Oh, come on.
108
00:03:50,695 --> 00:03:52,436
You've got plenty of friends.
109
00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:54,087
Well, what about-
110
00:03:54,172 --> 00:03:56,826
[wind whistling]
[bird screeches]
111
00:03:56,823 --> 00:03:58,258
Well, have fun
at work, sweetie.
112
00:03:58,257 --> 00:04:00,085
? ?
113
00:04:00,169 --> 00:04:01,518
- You didn't get robbed.
114
00:04:01,603 --> 00:04:03,605
You got a seat on the bus,
and the driver
115
00:04:03,688 --> 00:04:04,950
gave you a lollipop?
116
00:04:05,035 --> 00:04:07,168
- Weird, right?
- Weird great.
117
00:04:07,166 --> 00:04:09,993
When you're with Drew, you get
trickle-down popularity.
118
00:04:09,990 --> 00:04:11,469
His trickles are all over you.
119
00:04:11,468 --> 00:04:13,251
- I don't want his trickles
if it means
120
00:04:13,249 --> 00:04:14,814
I'm just known
as "Drew's brother."
121
00:04:14,813 --> 00:04:17,467
- Look, it's already happening,
and we gotta reap the benefits.
122
00:04:17,464 --> 00:04:18,726
- [sighs]
123
00:04:18,725 --> 00:04:20,203
I guess if people
see me with him,
124
00:04:20,201 --> 00:04:21,158
they'll think I'm cool too.
125
00:04:21,158 --> 00:04:22,420
- Exactly.
126
00:04:22,505 --> 00:04:25,290
People will think
we're cool too.
127
00:04:25,373 --> 00:04:26,809
'Sup, girl?
128
00:04:26,807 --> 00:04:29,069
I'm Drew's brother's brother
from another mother.
129
00:04:29,067 --> 00:04:31,069
- [giggles]
130
00:04:31,153 --> 00:04:32,241
- Hmm.
131
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:36,633
Before there was
"American Ninja Warrior,"
132
00:04:36,628 --> 00:04:40,806
my dad was the American
no-time-for-friends warrior.
133
00:04:40,887 --> 00:04:43,454
[adventurous music]
134
00:04:43,537 --> 00:04:49,195
? ?
135
00:04:49,188 --> 00:04:51,885
He dodged situations
that could lead to friendship
136
00:04:51,882 --> 00:04:54,145
like Wesley Snipes
dodged taxes.
137
00:04:54,228 --> 00:04:55,794
- Morning, Julius.
138
00:04:55,793 --> 00:04:58,229
My one-man show "The Great
Fatsby" is this weekend.
139
00:04:58,226 --> 00:04:59,356
- [imitates plane humming]
140
00:04:59,355 --> 00:05:00,617
- I'd love for you to come!
141
00:05:00,702 --> 00:05:02,400
- [grunting]
142
00:05:02,485 --> 00:05:04,052
- Did you hear?
143
00:05:04,050 --> 00:05:05,484
My doctor said the leaking
is totally normal.
144
00:05:05,483 --> 00:05:07,964
[muffled grunting]
- Julius, I need your help.
145
00:05:07,961 --> 00:05:09,525
I just backed my truck
into one of our co-
146
00:05:09,524 --> 00:05:10,699
- [grunts]
147
00:05:13,001 --> 00:05:14,611
[grunts]
148
00:05:16,825 --> 00:05:17,875
[grunts]
149
00:05:21,127 --> 00:05:22,177
- Howdy.
- [yelps]
150
00:05:22,257 --> 00:05:23,780
Damn it!
- Uh-oh.
151
00:05:23,865 --> 00:05:26,258
- Who are you?
- The name's Romeo.
152
00:05:26,341 --> 00:05:28,343
First day.
[chuckles]
153
00:05:28,341 --> 00:05:30,864
Yeah, you know, uh, bosses said
it'll take a week
154
00:05:30,862 --> 00:05:33,821
to get my truck ready
and, uh, to, uh,
155
00:05:33,903 --> 00:05:37,515
tack on my deliveries
onto yours.
156
00:05:37,596 --> 00:05:38,946
Heh. Yeah.
157
00:05:39,031 --> 00:05:40,081
[nervous chuckle]
158
00:05:41,812 --> 00:05:43,292
[engine turns over]
159
00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:44,639
Okay.
160
00:05:47,765 --> 00:05:50,029
- Hey.
I was just looking for you.
161
00:05:50,113 --> 00:05:51,810
Wanna go on a date with us?
- Date?
162
00:05:51,894 --> 00:05:53,243
Yes!
163
00:05:53,242 --> 00:05:54,720
Oh, God, I never thought
this would happen for me.
164
00:05:54,719 --> 00:05:56,242
- We meant with Drew.
165
00:05:56,326 --> 00:05:57,893
- Cool. Sounds like fun.
166
00:05:57,978 --> 00:05:59,893
- But you can come, too...
167
00:05:59,977 --> 00:06:02,023
[voice echoing]
Drew's brother.
168
00:06:02,106 --> 00:06:05,500
[dramatic music]
169
00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:07,149
- Greg was right.
170
00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:09,524
Even if it meant being
stuck in Drew's shadow
171
00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:12,453
and seen as Drew's brother,
I didn't care,
172
00:06:12,536 --> 00:06:14,407
because Drew's brother
had a date.
173
00:06:14,491 --> 00:06:16,798
Well, Drew had it,
but I'd be there,
174
00:06:16,881 --> 00:06:18,883
and he can't multitask.
175
00:06:21,444 --> 00:06:22,793
- [whimpers]
176
00:06:22,792 --> 00:06:25,053
If I don't get inside,
Mama's gonna kill me,
177
00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:26,922
Mr. Omar's gonna
have to plan my funeral.
178
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,835
[gasps]
Mr. Omar!
179
00:06:28,919 --> 00:06:30,249
That's it!
- W-what's it?
180
00:06:30,248 --> 00:06:31,919
What did you find?
- Oh, hey, Kill Moves.
181
00:06:31,917 --> 00:06:33,613
I figured out how
to get into the apartment
182
00:06:33,612 --> 00:06:35,482
before Mama's done
with her errands.
183
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:37,742
And I just remembered
Mr. Omar always comes home
184
00:06:37,740 --> 00:06:40,439
at 3:15 to console a widow.
185
00:06:40,521 --> 00:06:41,652
- Excuse me.
186
00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:43,478
I'm being summoned
by my dark lord.
187
00:06:43,476 --> 00:06:44,826
[laughs]
188
00:06:46,648 --> 00:06:47,780
- Thanks, Mr. Omar.
189
00:06:47,865 --> 00:06:49,258
See you tomorrow at 3:15.
190
00:06:49,343 --> 00:06:51,867
- Actually, Miss Tonya,
no, you will not.
191
00:06:51,950 --> 00:06:55,301
I'll be at a casket convention
in Atlantic City.
192
00:06:55,297 --> 00:06:56,427
Tragic!
193
00:06:56,426 --> 00:06:57,556
- [chuckles nervously]
194
00:06:57,556 --> 00:06:59,645
Atlantic City? What?
195
00:06:59,728 --> 00:07:01,078
- Come on, sweet cheeks.
196
00:07:01,163 --> 00:07:03,426
Let's fill that hole
in your heart.
197
00:07:03,510 --> 00:07:04,560
- [giggles]
198
00:07:04,639 --> 00:07:06,467
- [groans]
199
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:08,553
[dog barking]
200
00:07:08,637 --> 00:07:10,378
- How was your day, baby?
201
00:07:10,462 --> 00:07:12,595
- Informative.
202
00:07:12,593 --> 00:07:15,768
I watched a Sally Jessy episode
about how men can get pregnant;
203
00:07:15,764 --> 00:07:17,461
they just choose not to.
204
00:07:17,545 --> 00:07:20,070
- That's great.
[exhales]
205
00:07:20,068 --> 00:07:22,024
Oh, God, am I pregnant?
We can't afford a new baby.
206
00:07:22,022 --> 00:07:23,582
We can't afford our old babies!
207
00:07:23,586 --> 00:07:25,457
- Julius, calm down.
208
00:07:25,541 --> 00:07:27,282
I wanna hear about your day.
209
00:07:27,367 --> 00:07:30,936
- Oh.
I had coffee, ate half a donut.
210
00:07:31,017 --> 00:07:32,976
[grunts]
211
00:07:33,060 --> 00:07:35,050
Shared my truck
with a guy named Romeo,
212
00:07:35,059 --> 00:07:37,148
ate the other half
of the donut.
213
00:07:37,232 --> 00:07:38,799
[snores]
214
00:07:38,797 --> 00:07:39,621
- Hold up.
- [yelps]
215
00:07:39,621 --> 00:07:40,708
- You have a truck buddy?
216
00:07:40,707 --> 00:07:42,144
That's great, baby.
217
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:44,231
What's he like?
What y'all talk about?
218
00:07:44,315 --> 00:07:46,012
- Uh...
219
00:07:49,399 --> 00:07:51,531
- [coughs]
220
00:07:54,049 --> 00:07:57,356
- Julius, that poor man didn't
ask to be stuck with you.
221
00:07:57,438 --> 00:07:59,701
The least you could do
is be nice to him.
222
00:07:59,699 --> 00:08:01,525
- The least you can do
is let me sleep.
223
00:08:01,523 --> 00:08:04,570
- Sally Jessy also said
men who sass their wives
224
00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,610
mysteriously disappear.
225
00:08:06,694 --> 00:08:08,305
See you in the morning.
226
00:08:08,390 --> 00:08:10,218
Maybe.
- Eep.
227
00:08:10,302 --> 00:08:11,352
[switch clicks]
228
00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:15,911
- Where's that damn spare key?
229
00:08:15,908 --> 00:08:17,342
- Tonya, what are you doing?
230
00:08:17,341 --> 00:08:18,690
- Nothing, Mama.
231
00:08:18,689 --> 00:08:20,864
I thought you were out.
What are you doing?
232
00:08:20,862 --> 00:08:22,428
- Walking around in my house.
233
00:08:22,426 --> 00:08:24,600
Ooh, I'm glad you haven't
left for school yet.
234
00:08:24,598 --> 00:08:25,648
Come here.
235
00:08:27,075 --> 00:08:29,121
This meat needs to
thaw before dinner.
236
00:08:29,119 --> 00:08:30,901
I have a hair appointment
this afternoon,
237
00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:32,641
so I need you
to put it in the oven
238
00:08:32,725 --> 00:08:35,375
right when you get home at 2:30
and not a minute after.
239
00:08:35,372 --> 00:08:37,116
The second worst thing
after a burglar
240
00:08:37,114 --> 00:08:39,159
is salmonella,
the burglars of meat.
241
00:08:39,243 --> 00:08:40,293
- Yes, Mama.
242
00:08:42,155 --> 00:08:43,205
Crap.
243
00:08:43,241 --> 00:08:45,287
Now how am I gonna get in
today?
244
00:08:45,371 --> 00:08:46,502
[gasps]
245
00:08:46,587 --> 00:08:48,372
The window.
246
00:08:48,456 --> 00:08:51,154
[furtive music]
247
00:08:51,237 --> 00:08:55,938
Tonya, this is why
you're everyone's favorite.
248
00:08:56,018 --> 00:08:57,933
- Phil Hartman might
be the funniest
249
00:08:58,017 --> 00:08:59,975
"SNL" cast member right now.
- What?
250
00:09:00,059 --> 00:09:01,931
Eddie Murphy's
the all-time best
251
00:09:01,929 --> 00:09:03,189
for that James Brown sketch
alone.
252
00:09:03,188 --> 00:09:04,405
[as Eddie Murphy]
Uh, good God!
253
00:09:04,404 --> 00:09:06,101
- Eddie Murphy
is the all-time best
254
00:09:06,099 --> 00:09:08,449
for that James Brown
sketch alone.
255
00:09:08,533 --> 00:09:10,622
- Uh, that's what I just said.
256
00:09:10,705 --> 00:09:12,925
Hello?
Can you guys hear me?
257
00:09:13,009 --> 00:09:15,054
By being in Drew's shadow,
258
00:09:15,138 --> 00:09:17,401
I ended up with no identity
at all.
259
00:09:17,484 --> 00:09:19,654
I was like the Asian dude
in Black Eyed Peas.
260
00:09:19,701 --> 00:09:20,789
- Hey, Drew.
261
00:09:20,788 --> 00:09:21,961
Where's Drew's brother?
262
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,136
- Brandy! I'm right here!
263
00:09:24,220 --> 00:09:26,510
- Yeah, I haven't seen
Drew's brother all day.
264
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:27,830
- Hello.
265
00:09:27,829 --> 00:09:29,393
Drew's brother,
right behind you.
266
00:09:29,391 --> 00:09:31,002
- Mm, that's too bad.
267
00:09:31,001 --> 00:09:33,088
I was gonna let him take me out
and pay for everything,
268
00:09:33,086 --> 00:09:34,086
but for some reason,
I just don't
269
00:09:34,085 --> 00:09:35,346
feel like using him anymore.
270
00:09:35,345 --> 00:09:38,957
- No!
271
00:09:40,386 --> 00:09:42,649
- [grunts]
272
00:09:42,733 --> 00:09:44,038
Morning, Julius.
273
00:09:44,123 --> 00:09:45,821
- Ah.
274
00:09:45,905 --> 00:09:48,516
both: Coffee, sugar,
cream, cream, cream.
275
00:09:48,599 --> 00:09:50,166
- Huh.
276
00:09:50,165 --> 00:09:51,425
- [chuckles]
We're cream brothers.
277
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,947
- Ew.
278
00:09:54,639 --> 00:09:57,686
- The least you can do
is be nice.
279
00:09:58,233 --> 00:10:00,857
Don't you stir me away, Ju-
280
00:10:00,854 --> 00:10:01,904
[burbling]
281
00:10:03,634 --> 00:10:08,074
- Romeo, uh, if you get
a coffee when they restock,
282
00:10:08,155 --> 00:10:12,115
you can take a few extra
Styrofoam cups.
283
00:10:12,196 --> 00:10:13,807
Never mind.
284
00:10:13,891 --> 00:10:17,416
- You know, um, if you come
between 8:50 and 9:00 a.m.,
285
00:10:17,498 --> 00:10:20,370
you can take the day-old donuts
before they're trashed.
286
00:10:20,452 --> 00:10:23,586
I'm pretty cheap.
287
00:10:23,668 --> 00:10:25,191
- Me too.
288
00:10:25,190 --> 00:10:26,407
- You ever made
your own toothbrush?
289
00:10:26,406 --> 00:10:27,973
- Why?
290
00:10:27,972 --> 00:10:29,667
I got a perfectly
good one right here.
291
00:10:29,665 --> 00:10:31,493
- Damn.
292
00:10:31,577 --> 00:10:32,796
[school bell rings]
293
00:10:32,881 --> 00:10:34,534
- Greg, can you see me?
294
00:10:34,619 --> 00:10:35,669
- Yes.
295
00:10:35,749 --> 00:10:38,056
Uh, why wouldn't I be able to?
296
00:10:38,139 --> 00:10:39,793
- Because no one else can.
Wait.
297
00:10:39,878 --> 00:10:41,488
Maybe you can see me
298
00:10:41,572 --> 00:10:43,922
because you're an even bigger
loser than I am.
299
00:10:44,005 --> 00:10:46,268
- Yeah, exactly.
Wait, I don't want that.
300
00:10:46,266 --> 00:10:48,527
- Being Drew's brother
has made me a nobody,
301
00:10:48,525 --> 00:10:51,055
and I need to figure out
how to get out of his shadow.
302
00:10:51,052 --> 00:10:52,960
- Okay, but would you rather
go back to being
303
00:10:52,958 --> 00:10:54,436
a skinny nerd that everyone
hates?
304
00:10:54,435 --> 00:10:56,916
- What? No.
Both are terrible options.
305
00:10:56,999 --> 00:10:59,175
I wanna have my own cool thing.
306
00:10:59,258 --> 00:11:01,870
That day I tried
anything and everything
307
00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:04,607
to create a new identity.
308
00:11:04,691 --> 00:11:06,040
Backpack in front guy!
309
00:11:06,125 --> 00:11:07,175
- No.
310
00:11:08,645 --> 00:11:10,560
- Literal class clown guy.
311
00:11:10,644 --> 00:11:13,038
- No.
- Damn it.
312
00:11:13,121 --> 00:11:16,167
Antihero teen heartthrob guy.
313
00:11:16,164 --> 00:11:17,947
- No one's gonna buy that.
- Hey, guys. What's up?
314
00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:19,162
- [as Eddie Murphy]
Oh, good God!
315
00:11:19,161 --> 00:11:21,555
- [chuckles]
Chris, that was dope.
316
00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:24,163
You guys, check this out.
317
00:11:24,246 --> 00:11:25,595
- Uh...
318
00:11:25,594 --> 00:11:29,118
[as Eddie Murphy]
It's too hot in the hot tub.
319
00:11:29,113 --> 00:11:30,810
[laughter]
- Eddie Murphy?
320
00:11:30,895 --> 00:11:32,941
- That's funny.
321
00:11:32,939 --> 00:11:34,416
- Hey,
you're really good at that.
322
00:11:34,414 --> 00:11:35,851
- Wow, you did it.
323
00:11:35,850 --> 00:11:37,197
You're out of Drew's shadow,
324
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:38,936
and you found
your own personality.
325
00:11:38,934 --> 00:11:40,314
Doing an impression of a guy
326
00:11:40,324 --> 00:11:42,500
doing an impression
of another guy.
327
00:11:42,584 --> 00:11:45,979
[upbeat music]
328
00:11:46,061 --> 00:11:47,584
- [gasps]
329
00:11:47,669 --> 00:11:49,583
[tense music]
330
00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:53,367
If there's a burglar,
I'll cut your burgling hands.
331
00:11:53,449 --> 00:12:00,282
? ?
332
00:12:00,358 --> 00:12:02,577
[music stops]
333
00:12:02,662 --> 00:12:05,447
That's what I thought.
334
00:12:05,529 --> 00:12:08,663
- Our next guests are
the four elderly prostitutes
335
00:12:08,745 --> 00:12:10,572
who inspired "Golden Girls."
336
00:12:10,658 --> 00:12:11,920
- What are you doing home?
337
00:12:11,919 --> 00:12:13,440
- I finished
my deliveries early,
338
00:12:13,438 --> 00:12:14,873
and I've wanted to nap
before going back.
339
00:12:14,872 --> 00:12:16,395
- How nice.
340
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:19,222
Did a certain new friend
have something to do with it?
341
00:12:19,304 --> 00:12:20,871
- He might have.
342
00:12:20,956 --> 00:12:22,523
- Just say I was right, Julius.
343
00:12:22,607 --> 00:12:24,217
- Of course you were right.
344
00:12:24,216 --> 00:12:25,825
Romeo and I actually
have a lot in common.
345
00:12:25,824 --> 00:12:27,128
In fact, we're getting dinner.
346
00:12:27,127 --> 00:12:29,390
- Oh, that's great, baby,
347
00:12:29,473 --> 00:12:31,562
especially 'cause now
I don't have to go.
348
00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:33,778
I bet his wife would be happy
to have a night
349
00:12:33,776 --> 00:12:35,517
to herself too.
- Oh, no wife.
350
00:12:35,515 --> 00:12:36,557
He's single.
- Nope.
351
00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:38,341
Can't ever see him again.
352
00:12:38,426 --> 00:12:41,037
- Rochelle, you can't tell me
who I can and can't see.
353
00:12:41,119 --> 00:12:43,295
- Julius, single men his age
are trouble.
354
00:12:43,379 --> 00:12:45,817
They go to strip clubs,
have weird pets.
355
00:12:45,814 --> 00:12:46,900
Their lips are always chapped.
356
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,466
- Rochelle, that's crazy.
357
00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:50,814
Let me guess-
that's what Sally said?
358
00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:52,115
You gotta watch something else.
359
00:12:52,114 --> 00:12:53,812
- She said you would say that.
360
00:12:53,810 --> 00:12:54,983
- I think you're overreacting.
361
00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:56,724
- [grunts]
- Look at that.
362
00:12:56,808 --> 00:12:58,548
Nap time's over. Back to work.
363
00:12:58,546 --> 00:12:59,545
[door opens, closes]
364
00:12:59,545 --> 00:13:01,765
- Oh.
365
00:13:01,848 --> 00:13:03,676
- My man works so hard,
366
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:06,284
and I wish I hadn't pushed him
to make friends.
367
00:13:06,367 --> 00:13:09,588
Now he has no jobs,
two wives, and six kids.
368
00:13:09,670 --> 00:13:10,976
[audience gasps]
369
00:13:10,975 --> 00:13:12,583
- To think this
wouldn't have happened
370
00:13:12,582 --> 00:13:15,454
if you let your man
live his life, Rochelle.
371
00:13:15,536 --> 00:13:16,842
[dramatic tone]
372
00:13:16,927 --> 00:13:18,537
- You don't know me, Sally.
373
00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:19,711
I'm done.
374
00:13:21,795 --> 00:13:25,494
- Chris, I heard you do
a good Eddie Murphy.
375
00:13:25,575 --> 00:13:26,750
I love him.
376
00:13:26,835 --> 00:13:28,663
He's the right kinda
you people.
377
00:13:28,748 --> 00:13:30,228
Stand up and let me see it.
378
00:13:30,312 --> 00:13:31,705
- Okay.
379
00:13:31,790 --> 00:13:34,401
If you insist.
380
00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,919
[as Eddie Murphy]
Do you think we got a pop quiz?
381
00:13:35,918 --> 00:13:37,877
Ah, ah.
I think we got a pop quiz.
382
00:13:37,961 --> 00:13:39,310
Good God! Hey!
383
00:13:39,394 --> 00:13:41,701
[laughter]
384
00:13:41,785 --> 00:13:43,874
Ow.
- You're not funny.
385
00:13:43,872 --> 00:13:45,611
The only reason
people are laughing
386
00:13:45,609 --> 00:13:46,783
is 'cause Drew told them to.
387
00:13:46,782 --> 00:13:48,348
You suck, James Black.
388
00:13:48,433 --> 00:13:51,436
- [laughs]
389
00:13:51,518 --> 00:13:52,650
- That's funny?
390
00:13:55,299 --> 00:13:56,779
- [gasps]
What the hell?
391
00:13:56,864 --> 00:13:58,213
It's closed!
392
00:13:58,298 --> 00:14:00,953
[gasps] Oh, no.
393
00:14:01,036 --> 00:14:02,690
The meat burglars.
394
00:14:02,774 --> 00:14:05,472
[unsettling music]
395
00:14:05,555 --> 00:14:08,863
all:
[yawning]
396
00:14:08,945 --> 00:14:11,774
[upbeat music]
397
00:14:11,856 --> 00:14:17,165
? ?
398
00:14:17,244 --> 00:14:20,160
Salmonella! Salmonella!
399
00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:25,898
- If that salmonella
don't kill me, my mama will.
400
00:14:25,893 --> 00:14:28,198
- Did you tell people
to laugh at my impressions?
401
00:14:28,196 --> 00:14:29,586
- Yeah.
What's the big deal?
402
00:14:29,630 --> 00:14:31,850
- Do you know how that feels?
403
00:14:31,933 --> 00:14:35,240
[somber organ music]
404
00:14:35,322 --> 00:14:40,589
? ?
405
00:14:40,668 --> 00:14:43,496
The big deal is that
it's embarrassing.
406
00:14:43,579 --> 00:14:46,233
- Well, Mom asked me
to look out for you, so...
407
00:14:46,316 --> 00:14:47,840
- But I'm your older brother.
408
00:14:47,839 --> 00:14:49,490
I'm the one who's supposed
to be looking out for you.
409
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:52,971
- How could you
look out for me?
410
00:14:53,052 --> 00:14:55,228
[sinister music]
411
00:14:55,312 --> 00:14:56,362
- [grunts]
412
00:14:56,442 --> 00:14:57,922
- Hey!
413
00:14:58,007 --> 00:15:00,226
As Sensei Jason says,
hugs before shoves,
414
00:15:00,309 --> 00:15:02,355
but shoves deserve shoves.
415
00:15:02,439 --> 00:15:03,962
[both grunting]
416
00:15:04,047 --> 00:15:07,921
crowd: [chanting]
Drew! Drew! Drew!
417
00:15:08,002 --> 00:15:09,632
- I hate going
to school with you.
418
00:15:09,696 --> 00:15:11,524
[grunts]
419
00:15:11,522 --> 00:15:13,478
- [yelps] You ripped
my favorite shirt.
420
00:15:13,476 --> 00:15:14,782
[students gasp]
421
00:15:14,867 --> 00:15:16,913
- [gasps]
Oh, that was an accident.
422
00:15:16,997 --> 00:15:19,260
- [growls]
423
00:15:19,343 --> 00:15:20,953
- Ah!
424
00:15:20,952 --> 00:15:22,604
If that kick had been
one inch lower,
425
00:15:22,602 --> 00:15:23,864
I wouldn't have kids.
426
00:15:23,949 --> 00:15:25,385
[moans]
427
00:15:26,644 --> 00:15:28,254
- I'm so busted.
428
00:15:28,253 --> 00:15:29,818
- What you doing,
little unfunny dude
429
00:15:29,817 --> 00:15:31,377
from across the street sister?
430
00:15:31,375 --> 00:15:33,033
- I lost my house key
and can't get back in.
431
00:15:33,032 --> 00:15:35,034
My parents are gonna be pissed.
432
00:15:35,118 --> 00:15:36,293
- No problem, shorty.
433
00:15:36,292 --> 00:15:37,335
I got you.
434
00:15:37,334 --> 00:15:38,377
[grunts]
435
00:15:38,377 --> 00:15:39,683
- [gasps] Jerome!
436
00:15:39,768 --> 00:15:41,553
You broke our window!
437
00:15:41,637 --> 00:15:43,813
- You're welcome.
438
00:15:43,896 --> 00:15:47,290
[furtive music]
439
00:15:47,372 --> 00:15:50,724
? ?
440
00:15:50,806 --> 00:15:52,503
[bacteria chattering]
441
00:15:52,587 --> 00:15:54,720
[all screaming]
442
00:15:54,804 --> 00:15:56,124
- This isn't the last of us!
443
00:15:56,151 --> 00:15:58,501
[indistinct shouting]
444
00:15:58,584 --> 00:15:59,977
[screaming]
445
00:16:00,062 --> 00:16:01,542
- [exhales deeply]
446
00:16:03,277 --> 00:16:06,759
Now, how do I blame this
on Chris?
447
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:10,236
- Hey-hey, Big J. [chuckles]
Ah, excited for tonight.
448
00:16:10,317 --> 00:16:12,101
You know, your, uh-
your boy here
449
00:16:12,186 --> 00:16:14,449
doesn't go out
to restaurants that much.
450
00:16:14,533 --> 00:16:16,056
- You're married to your job.
451
00:16:16,055 --> 00:16:17,576
Hell, I would be, too,
if I hadn't
452
00:16:17,574 --> 00:16:18,894
already married Rochelle.
453
00:16:18,893 --> 00:16:21,009
- No, because I just eat
at the strip club.
454
00:16:21,007 --> 00:16:22,057
- Oh.
455
00:16:22,138 --> 00:16:24,270
- Speaking of,
let me say thanks
456
00:16:24,353 --> 00:16:26,573
for dinner by taking
you to dessert at, uh,
457
00:16:26,657 --> 00:16:28,485
Jiggle 'n Juice.
458
00:16:28,569 --> 00:16:30,963
- Uh, I don't know.
459
00:16:31,046 --> 00:16:34,223
- Come on, they have
unlimited breasts and thighs.
460
00:16:34,305 --> 00:16:35,567
And chicken.
461
00:16:35,652 --> 00:16:36,871
The cover is 50 bucks,
462
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:38,913
but you get ten minutes
in the Ros๏ฟฝ Room.
463
00:16:38,911 --> 00:16:40,086
- $50?
464
00:16:40,171 --> 00:16:41,861
I thought you said
you were cheap.
465
00:16:41,867 --> 00:16:44,522
- I am-so I can spend money
on my true passions.
466
00:16:44,605 --> 00:16:47,999
Strippers, sparkling wine,
and my jaguar.
467
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:49,342
- You drive a Jaguar?
468
00:16:49,427 --> 00:16:51,995
- No! The animal.
469
00:16:52,078 --> 00:16:54,907
Ah, not supposed to have it
in my apartment, but, God,
470
00:16:54,990 --> 00:16:56,818
he's barely attacked
anyone but me.
471
00:16:56,902 --> 00:16:58,861
- Whoa. Ugh.
472
00:16:58,945 --> 00:17:00,076
[sighs]
473
00:17:00,161 --> 00:17:02,599
Romeo, I'm a family man.
474
00:17:02,682 --> 00:17:04,553
So, sadly,
I'm gonna have to take
475
00:17:04,637 --> 00:17:06,639
a forever rain check
on all that.
476
00:17:06,723 --> 00:17:08,638
[soft R&B music]
477
00:17:08,722 --> 00:17:13,161
- Guess we can, uh, only be
work friends, then, huh?
478
00:17:13,241 --> 00:17:20,161
? ?
479
00:17:22,194 --> 00:17:26,285
Uh, I should go see
if my truck's ready.
480
00:17:26,365 --> 00:17:28,236
- Hey, we'll always have
481
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:30,190
coffee, sugar,
cream, cream, cream.
482
00:17:30,190 --> 00:17:32,235
- Yeah.
483
00:17:32,318 --> 00:17:33,406
Hey, Marquis!
484
00:17:33,493 --> 00:17:35,146
See you at the Jiggle?
485
00:17:37,012 --> 00:17:38,883
- [groans]
- [mutters]
486
00:17:38,967 --> 00:17:40,969
- Hmm, what happened
to Drew's shirt?
487
00:17:41,053 --> 00:17:43,403
And why are you
holding your nuts?
488
00:17:43,488 --> 00:17:46,186
- Uh, Drew and I
got into a fight about-
489
00:17:46,268 --> 00:17:48,052
oh, never mind.
490
00:17:48,051 --> 00:17:49,268
It's none of your business.
491
00:17:49,267 --> 00:17:51,443
- Boys, groceries!
[car horn honks]
492
00:17:56,393 --> 00:17:58,744
[sighs]
I envy you boys.
493
00:17:58,827 --> 00:18:00,698
It's hard making new friends.
494
00:18:00,782 --> 00:18:03,612
The older you get, the less
in common you have with folks.
495
00:18:03,694 --> 00:18:06,104
All the friends I had
when I was younger are gone.
496
00:18:06,127 --> 00:18:09,522
Some moved, some died,
some became cops.
497
00:18:09,604 --> 00:18:11,824
You boys are lucky
you have each other.
498
00:18:11,908 --> 00:18:14,388
A brother's someone
you always have time for.
499
00:18:14,472 --> 00:18:15,908
He's a built-in friend.
500
00:18:15,992 --> 00:18:17,515
- Like you and Uncle Louis?
501
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:19,559
- No.
That chiropractor show-off.
502
00:18:19,643 --> 00:18:21,558
He can rot in fake doctor hell,
503
00:18:21,556 --> 00:18:23,773
right next to the podiatrists
and dentists.
504
00:18:23,771 --> 00:18:25,381
- Okay, my bad. Jeez.
505
00:18:25,466 --> 00:18:26,902
- Boys, go wash up for dinner.
506
00:18:26,987 --> 00:18:28,684
I'll help your dad
with the rest.
507
00:18:28,682 --> 00:18:30,595
- Did you say something
to Dad, you narc?
508
00:18:30,593 --> 00:18:31,986
- No.
509
00:18:31,985 --> 00:18:34,072
He's probably just
reflecting on his day, fool.
510
00:18:34,070 --> 00:18:35,463
- Hey, baby.
511
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:37,506
- You were right.
- I know.
512
00:18:37,590 --> 00:18:38,722
About what?
513
00:18:38,721 --> 00:18:40,068
- Let's just say me and Romeo
514
00:18:40,067 --> 00:18:42,156
are only gonna be work friends.
515
00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:45,678
[sighs] I guess
I won't be using this.
516
00:18:45,759 --> 00:18:47,282
- Pfft. You think we're rich?
517
00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:49,021
We can't waste a coupon.
518
00:18:49,105 --> 00:18:50,890
Date night?
- Ah.
519
00:18:50,889 --> 00:18:52,671
Dinner with my best friend
and wife?
520
00:18:52,669 --> 00:18:56,281
Best two-for-one there is.
521
00:18:56,362 --> 00:18:57,932
- He had a pet tiger,
didn't he?
522
00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,363
- Nope.
- Panther?
523
00:18:59,449 --> 00:19:01,233
Leopard. Snow leopard.
524
00:19:05,271 --> 00:19:06,882
- Aw, thanks for helping.
525
00:19:06,966 --> 00:19:09,055
It's nice to be able
to rely on you.
526
00:19:09,139 --> 00:19:11,141
- Oh, Mama, if only you could.
527
00:19:11,225 --> 00:19:14,228
I-I feel awful, Mama. Awful.
528
00:19:14,224 --> 00:19:15,876
I had to break a window
to get in and-
529
00:19:15,875 --> 00:19:17,050
- You what?
530
00:19:17,135 --> 00:19:19,616
- Drew and Chris
got into a fight,
531
00:19:19,613 --> 00:19:21,395
and the thought of
my brothers fighting
532
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:24,441
broke my heart so much that
I forgot where I put my key,
533
00:19:24,523 --> 00:19:27,047
and I got locked out.
534
00:19:27,130 --> 00:19:29,175
- Oh, baby, it's okay.
535
00:19:29,259 --> 00:19:31,784
Go ask Daddy,
and he'll get you another key.
536
00:19:31,867 --> 00:19:33,738
- Tonya got away
with it again.
537
00:19:33,822 --> 00:19:35,911
But I got her back
on her wedding day.
538
00:19:35,995 --> 00:19:38,345
I upstaged her
by just showing up.
539
00:19:38,429 --> 00:19:39,995
- Excuse me.
540
00:19:39,994 --> 00:19:41,341
I need to deal
with your brothers.
541
00:19:41,339 --> 00:19:43,516
[upbeat music]
542
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,211
- So, uh, is your shirt
ripped that bad?
543
00:19:46,294 --> 00:19:48,427
- Nah.
I'm sure Mom could fix it.
544
00:19:48,511 --> 00:19:50,991
Are your, you know, okay?
545
00:19:51,074 --> 00:19:52,511
- I don't know yet.
546
00:19:52,595 --> 00:19:54,771
It's like they're
morphed into one.
547
00:19:54,855 --> 00:19:56,770
We admitted respect
for each other
548
00:19:56,768 --> 00:19:58,724
the way every man does
with his friends,
549
00:19:58,722 --> 00:20:01,595
by not admitting a damn thing.
550
00:20:01,678 --> 00:20:03,419
[sinister music]
551
00:20:03,503 --> 00:20:06,331
- You were fighting?
552
00:20:06,415 --> 00:20:08,286
I told both of you
to stick together
553
00:20:08,284 --> 00:20:09,805
so you wouldn't get
in trouble and-
554
00:20:09,803 --> 00:20:11,370
both:
It's my fault.
555
00:20:11,369 --> 00:20:12,934
- So if you're
gonna punish us...
556
00:20:12,933 --> 00:20:14,804
- You'll have to punish
both of us.
557
00:20:14,888 --> 00:20:17,630
- Sticking together now, huh?
558
00:20:17,627 --> 00:20:19,235
Well, I'm glad
my boys are friends.
559
00:20:19,233 --> 00:20:20,844
- [sighs]
560
00:20:20,843 --> 00:20:22,277
- But that ain't
how this works.
561
00:20:22,276 --> 00:20:23,886
Chris, you're the oldest,
562
00:20:23,884 --> 00:20:25,884
and you should set a better
example for your brother.
563
00:20:25,882 --> 00:20:27,188
You know better.
564
00:20:27,273 --> 00:20:28,927
Drew, leave us.
565
00:20:32,749 --> 00:20:35,578
I'm gonna slap you
into next Tuesday.
566
00:20:35,660 --> 00:20:38,053
- Well, Sally,
I was just sitting there
567
00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:39,791
on a random Tuesday,
568
00:20:39,875 --> 00:20:41,964
and then this other Chris
showed up.
569
00:20:42,048 --> 00:20:44,442
But there can be only one.
- [gasps]
570
00:20:44,525 --> 00:20:48,486
singers: ? Everybody
still hates Chris ?
571
00:20:50,358 --> 00:20:52,229
[vocalizing]
572
00:20:52,230 --> 00:20:55,146
[indistinct chatter]
573
00:20:55,147 --> 00:20:57,802
[crunching, chewing]
574
00:20:57,803 --> 00:21:00,240
[bat cracks, crowd cheers]
575
00:21:00,241 --> 00:21:01,677
[soft upbeat music]
576
00:21:01,678 --> 00:21:03,419
[crunching, scratching]
577
00:21:03,420 --> 00:21:04,726
[squelching]
578
00:21:04,727 --> 00:21:09,277
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