All language subtitles for Carry.On.Girls.1973.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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(HOWLING WIND)

And since I am strongly of the
opinion

that we are already providing more
than enough entertainment for
visitors,

I wish to propose the motion
that the provision of more

would be detrimental
to the good name of the borough.

Knickers.
Please, Councillor!

Strike that from the minutes,
Miss Drew.

I beg your pardon, Your Worship?
Don't take down knickers.

Chance would be a fine thing,
wouldn't it, love?

Councillor Fiddler, I really must
request you to moderate your language

when in committee.
I second that.

I do beg the committee's pardon,
Your Worship.

But this codswallop about mucking up
the good name of the borough gets on
my wick.

Should I...
No, no.

Oh, cor blimey, why don't we face
facts?

We don't attract any visitors to this
dump

because there is nothing for them to
flipping do!

Of course, we are well aware that Mr
Fiddler would like to see more
people

in that so-called amusement arcade
of his,

playing on those dreadful machines.

You're dead right. Do you know how
much What the Butler Saw took last
season?

£1.60. That works out
about two pence a grope.

Please. I really do feel that we are
straying from the point here.

That IS the point! It's the only
indoor amusement we have,

apart from snogging under the
bandstand.

I do feel that Councillor Fiddler
does have a point there,

considering our very high
seasonal rainfall figure.

Oh, really, Mr Mayor?

Personally, I think it is quite
an average one.

If you think nine inches is an
average one, you've been spoilt.

Yes... Yes, yes.

Does anyone else have any useful
suggestions to offer?

I have.
What is that, Councillor?

Miss Fircombe.

I beg your pardon?

Miss Fircombe. A beauty queen!

That's what we want. All the best
resorts have 'em.

Mr Mayor, I think we have wasted
quite enough time here today

and I propose that you close the
meeting.

Please. Mrs Prodworthy, please.

I do feel that the proposal
merits some discussion.

Yeah?

Mr Mayor, you are well aware
of my views on women's rights.

And there can never be anything
proper

in young women being shown off like
cattle

for the sexual gratification
of a lot of drooling men.

Bowls.

I beg your pardon, Alderman Pratt?

A bowls competition. That's what we
need.

Poor old Pratt! He really will have
to go.

And so will I. We've heard quite
enough rubbish spoken here today.

Oh, but we still wish to hear yours,
Mrs Prodworthy.

(CHUCKLES) Your views, I mean.

I think I have made myself perfectly
clear.

And as far as I am concerned,
the matter is closed.

Good morning.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.
I'm afraid that's that, then.

No. We're still in committee.
I propose we put it to the vote.

What? Without Mrs Prodworthy?

We've still got a quorum.
Yes...

Yeah, all right, then.

All those in favour of the motion
to hold a beauty contest?

One only.

How about you?
You were all for it a moment ago.

Very well.

All those against?

Two also.

I'm afraid we still haven't
a majority.

Hang on. Just a minute.

Oi! You're all for it, ain't you?

Yes. Any time.

Carried. (LAUGHS)

Morning, madam.
Good morning, William.

Oh! Miss Dukes.

Let me give you a hand, Miss Dukes.
Thank you, William.

It's been a...

Go. One, two, three.

Thank you. Are you all right now?

Yes, thank you. It were just a touch
of... Urgh!

I generally get it at this time of
the... Wahay!

Yes, it's the sea air.
Yes...

Hello, Mrs Dukes. I thought you were
going to the cinema.

I did, but I had to leave.

A young man started to make improper
suggestions.

Again? You should complain to the
manager.

I can't. He's after me too, you see.

Well, perhaps you shouldn't make
yourself look quite so attractive.

Oh, I can't help it. I give out
waves, you know.

Really? Yes. My late husband used to
call it 'oomph'!

William? Have you seen Mr Fiddler?

Yes. Not a bad photo, considering.

No, I don't mean this. I mean,
has he been in? Er... Ah...

Yes, it was last Tuesday.

Has he been in today?

Today? Now, let me see...

Never mind, William. If you do see
him, tell him I'd like to see him
right away.

Yes. What shall I tell him
if I DON'T see him?

Nothing, William. Nothing.

Yes, I'll try and remember that,
Mrs Philpotts.

Is the Admiral all right?
Er, yes, I think so.

Course, he's quite old, you know.
He's not as fit as some of us.

Whay-hay!

We don't need your recommendation,
thank you.

Go on, hop it!

Blimey, it's all happening here.

I'll get him in a second!
I am the greatest!

Ooh, I beg your pardon. I thought
I was back in the game then.

Willy, I want a nice double room,

with hot and cold-running
chambermaids. Yes, sir.

Does that mean you and Mrs Philpotts
are going to do it?

Don't be filthy. I didn't mean that.
I mean get hitched.

I wouldn't say that. We're just good
friends.

Oh. Well, I wouldn't bank on that for
the minute if I were you, Mr Fiddler.

Oh. It's like that, is it?
Yes. Oh, I'm glad you reminded me.

Er, Mrs Philpotts said to tell you...

Now, I must get this right.
Take your time. I've got all night.

No, that wasn't it. Yes, it was!
No, no. No, it wasn't.

Dear me! It's on the tip of my
tongue.

Your finger.
My finger, yes. Hee hee!

No, that wasn't it.

While you're thinking,
get that number for me, will you?

I'll remember it, don't you worry.

I'll get this number for you
while I'm waiting.

Hoyah! Hm! Get off!

Hoyah! Shoom! Hah!

All right, I'll do it myself.
Cor blimey!

I'm only doing my best, that's all.

Hoyah! Ooh! Give me that thing!
What's wrong with you?

Get off!
Give me the book. Thank you.

01-754-3230.

(PHONE RINGS)

Potter Publicity Bureau.
To whom do you wish to speak?

Hello, Paula. Sid here, Sid Fiddler.
How are you?

Oh, very well, thank you.
You haven't changed. Is Peter there?

It's that terrible man Sidney
Fiddler.

You don't want to talk to HIM,
do you? I'd better.

You know what he's like.
He may have something for me.

If it's like last time,
you'll need bailing out.

Don't worry. I can handle him.

Hello, Sid!
Hello, Pete. How's business?

Great, great. I've got a job here
you'd love to get your teeth into.

What is it? (He's got a job for me!)
I can imagine.

I want you to do the publicity
for a beauty contest here in
Fircombe.

Beauty contest? You mean girls?

I don't mean budgerigars!

Oh, I don't know. I don't think Paula
would like me getting mixed up with
a lot of girls.

Why not?
Well, we're engaged.

You know how jealous she can be.

Just think of all those lovely 38s
and 40s bobbling up and down.

I am. Phwoar!

Sounds an interesting assignment,
Sid, putting Fircombe on the map.

Writing about local trade figures
and that sort of thing.

Oh, she's come back into the office,
has she? What's the job worth?

100, in round figures.

And there'll be plenty of those,
I promise you! 100?

It could be more. I'm on the council.

I think I'd better come down, Sid.

That's my boy. Don't take any of that
old guff from Paula.

If she doesn't like it, tell her
to lump it.

That's how to deal with women, treat
'em rough.

Hello, sweetheart. I didn't see you.

Obviously. I'd like to see you,
Sidney. Right away.

Hye! Ah! That's it.

Mrs Philpotts wants to see you
right away.

Thank you, Willy.
Yeah. I knew I'd get it.

And how's my favourite little
hotel keeper today?

Hungry. Very hungry.

So would I be if I had to eat here.
But I haven't eaten.

Are you on a diet again?
No, you had asked me out to lunch.

Oh. Blimey, so I did.
I'm sorry, love.

I've had a very busy day.
I've been in it right up to here.

So I see.

That's it. Great idea, isn't it?

Oh, for you, I'm sure it is.

No, no, I did it mainly for you,
darling. For me? Oh really?

You've got a hotel. Think of all the
people this will bring into town.

You'll be packed out. And the beauty
contestants will stay here.

Of course, I hadn't thought of that.
That was very clever of you, Sidney.

You know me, love. Anything for you.
Anything but marriage.

Yes. Well, you'll have at least
a dozen beauty queens
staying here for a start.

At the usual rate? You can't charge
the contestants, can you?

Why not?
Well, they're the bait, aren't they?

When people hear about these dolly
birds staying here,

they'll be queueing up for your
rooms!

I don't doubt that. But I won't have
anything going on here

that might upset my regulars.

Don't worry. I've fixed that. There
will be a full-time chaperone here
day and night.

Well, that is better. Who?

It wasn't easy, but we got it down
to a short list of possibles,

people that would not take advantage
of the situation.

Somebody honest and dependable
with strict morals.

And?
They talked me into it.

I knew it. Chaperone?
You and a bunch of beauty queens?

It's like asking Dracula
to be in charge of a blood bank!

Wait. That's not true. You know
I don't go for beautiful women.

I like YOU.
That does it. Get out! Go on!

You lecherous... Get out!

Mother!
I don't see why I have to come too.

You haven't come since you were born.

Look. You were there
when he gave out this statement.

Yes, but - You even took this
photograph of the revolting man.

I want you here as a witness
to what the Mayor says.

She's still under way, sir.

She's not heaving to, sir.

Very well, Mr Christian,
fire a shot across her bows.

Aye aye, sir.

Oh, come along, answer the door.

(BELL RINGS)
All right, I'm coming.

(CLOCK STRIKES)

Sorry if I kept you waiting.
I was in the lav, you see.

Mrs Bumble, I wish to speak to your
husband immediately.

You'd better come in, then.

I've only got to go to the lav
and someone starts knocking at the
door.

It's almost as if they knew.

Mind you, I must admit,
I do go rather a lot.

Well, I'm not here to take a census
on toilet habits, Mrs Bumble.

Please take me to your husband.

I couldn't disturb him now.
He's upstairs.

Well, I damn well can!

Very well, Mr Christian.

Stand by to ram and board her.

You've seen this, I presume?

Yes, but...

You have no right to be in here,
Mrs Prodworthy!

Never mind that. Do you mean to tell
me that,

in my absence, the committee
approved this disgusting idea?

Mrs Prodworthy, I hardly think that
this is the time or the place
to discuss matters.

Oh, poppycock!
I've seen men naked before, you know.

Damn it, I've buried three husbands.
I'm not surprised to hear it!

Excuse us, sir.

Come along, Mother, please.
Now, you shut up!

I want a straight answer.
Was it or was it not approved?

Mrs Prodworthy, I refuse to discuss
this with you in my bath!

I am not in your bath, thank
goodness.

Was it or wasn't it?
Yes, it was, but -

Then I must warn you that I mean to
fight it to the bitter end.

Mrs Prodworthy.

I have a civic duty to support any
project -

Oh, fiddlesticks!
You are a weak-kneed ass.

And as far as I can see, you are as
poorly equipped to carry out
your civic duties

as your domestic ones.

That's what the job's all about.

I still don't see why you have
to stay down there. I told you,

they need some on-the-spot publicity
now.

I've done all I can here.
Do you understand?

I would if you stopped being so
secretive

and told me what it's really about.

It's a publicity campaign.
To publicise what?

Fircombe. They're having a sort of
competition to go with it.

Oh, like 'spot the boobs'?
What? What made you say that?

Like the one spotting the deliberate
mistakes on cornflake packets.

Well, not quite like that. It's to
encourage people to come to Fircombe.

You haven't exactly encouraged ME
to.

I couldn't trust myself
to ask you to come with me.

I'd burst in and try to make love to
you.

You know I wouldn't let that happen!

Exactly, that's why I didn't...
Didn't want the temptation.

Anyway, I'd lose my job, and then
I couldn't afford to marry you.

Excuse me, are you going to
Fircombe?

This train's going there, yes.

Oh, god.

Do you know her? No.
She's going to Fircombe too!

A lot of people must live there.
Are we all right for Fircombe?

I'm sure you are!
Thanks.

I'm beginning to understand
why you don't want me down there.

Don't be ridiculous, darling.
You're the only girl in my life,
you know that.

Excuse me? Is this the train for
the beauty contest? Yes, it is.

Oh, good. Are YOU coming?
Certainly not!

Perhaps you're right.
Are you in this one?

Yes, that's right, I am.
Oh, I'll join you, then.

You didn't tell me about a beauty
contest! I think I'd better go.

Excuse me.

Well, goodbye, darling.
I'll be back as soon as I can.

(TOP RIPS)
Oh! Oh!

Why didn't you wait until
we were in the tunnel?

I thought I was. Sorry.

Sorry, darling.

Kiss?

I'll take bust any time! Hey hey!
Bust! Any time!

I remember seeing them soaking in
the bathroom last night,

and in the morning they were gone.

Mrs Dukes, I cannot believe that one
of these young ladies would take your
knickers.

(GRUNTS)

I'll make enquiries.
What were they like?

Red flannelette. Reinforced.

Yes, I see. Well, I'm sure they must
turn up.

They can't. They've got elastic at
the bottom. How chic.

Well, I'm sure they'll be found.
I certainly hope so,

because I don't feel safe walking
about this town without any.

Perhaps I can help, Mrs Dukes.
Oh, Admiral!

Come outside, ma'am.
I've got something to show you.

What do you mean? Where?
All will be revealed, madam.

Across the promenade there. Look!

(GASPS)

(WHEEZES WITH LAUGHTER)

Well, I've got to check all your
measurements.

I've never had it before.
The experience will do you good.

Sidney, I'd like a word.
Yes, love, what is it?

It's about these complaints.
I'm not complaining.

Everything's going fine.
Yes, I can see that.

You run along, we'll finish off
later.

Finish what? You measured everything
I have! (LAUGHS)

Yeah. Off you go.

She's always kidding, that one.

What's the trouble? I'm worried about
my permanent residents.

All this running about, in and out
of each other's bedrooms.

It's not good enough. Yes. At their
age they ought to know better.

It's your girls I'm talking about!

I've heard all night long, doors
banging.

Blimey. When you get a bunch of young
dollies, you DO expect a bit of
banging.

I expect you to get them all into
bed at a reasonable hour.

I promise you I'll do my very best.

Mr Fiddler, what about these photos?
I haven't got all day.

Excuse me, love. Business.

I'm waiting for my publicity man to
turn up.

But I'm covering the Mayor's opening
later.

You do get some unpleasant jobs!

He's opening a new municipal
building at four.

Thank you. Thank you, ladies and...

(LAUGHTER)

And what about the ladies,
may I ask?

What was that? Why is there provision
only for gentlemen

in this monument to natural and
universal functions?

WOMEN: Hear, hear!
Because it was specifically designed

for use by the male sex as approved
in council last September.

I see. So the ladies must wait,
is that it?

Mrs Prodworthy, I do feel that the
place for protest is in the chamber.

I DID protest in the chamber,
Mr Mayor, and most strongly.

I still insist on knowing why this
place could not have been for the use
of both sexes.

Because it's for men!

We can't have them all using
the same one.

Perhaps the Mayor would care to
explain why we can't all use the same
one?

Yes, well... (MUMBLES)

Why can't we all use...

Ah, yes! Because the fittings are
different, for one thing!

We all have only one thing, Mr Mayor.
(LAUGHTER)

Mrs Prodworthy, you are deliberately
misun...

misunderstanding me.
What I am trying to say...

I know what you are trying to say.

You are trying to say that women are
inferior.

WOMEN: Hear, hear!

I put it to you that this is one more
example of this council's policy

to deliberately demean
and debase womanhood.

Hear, hear!

A policy which was brought to a head
recently

when, in my absence,

they passed this disgraceful
resolution
to hold a beauty contest here.

Hear, hear!

I want every male here to know

that the women of Fircombe are
determined to stop this degrading
spectacle.

And until it is called off,
we will squat

in this erection to man's so-called
superiority.

Hear, hear!
Mrs Prodworthy, please!

Forward, liberators of Fircombe!
Forward!

Please, please!

Girls! (CLAPS) Come on, girls.

Get changed for photos.
Back in 15 minutes.

Erm, what do you want us to wear?

Anything that will bring out your
best...points, Miss...

Downs. Ida Downs.
Ha ha! I bet you come from Beds.

No. Bristol.
I should have guessed.

Oh, I've got a rather smashing
two-piece swimsuit.

Great. Just wear one piece of that.

Will they publish pictures like
that?

Not in my paper.
It's all right. I was only joking.

You go and get 'em both on.

Go on, get your gear ready.

How's it going, love?
Wonderful.

Since all this started, I've let ten
rooms - all for you - for nothing.

Wait till old Pete gets that
publicity really rolling.

The contest is in ten days.

You've got your permanent residents.
If I've any left!

Ooh! Ooh! You're a dirty old man!

Er, Mrs Philpotts!

I wish to complain.
This young woman molested me.

Well, I like that!

Whether you like it or not, dear,
is immaterial.

He pinched my - Don't worry about it.
I'll sort it out.

Cheeky little thing!

I'd like to put her across my knee.

I'm sure you would, Admiral.
Yes, by Jove... What?

Mrs Philpotts, are you suggesting...

Damn it, for two pins, I'd move out
of here!

Good afternoon. Can I help you? Yes.
Have you got any rooms, please?

Certainly, sir.
Our terms are £7 a day

or £40 a week all in.

Mr Fiddler said it had all been
arranged.

You see, we're in the beauty contest.

Yes. So I see.

Oh, well... In that case, take your
pick. Take the lot. Go on. Ha ha!

Be my guest, room with a view and
all that sort of thing.

Righto, have a good time!

Pete, we're waiting.
The photographer's here.
Where the hell have you been?

Sorry, the train was late.
Some trouble on the line.

Trouble? With these two?

This is Miss Bangor.
Really? How do you do?

And this is Miss Brakes.
Dawn Brakes.

Dawn, my favourite time for getting
up.

I was Miss Dairy Queen, you know.
You still are in my book, darling.

Sid, are there any rooms for us?

The woman behind the desk went all
peculiar and threw these at us.

She's overwhelmed. They haven't done
this since Mafeking.

Here. Photo call in ten minutes.

Oh, cor nlimey, not again!

Urgh! Argh!

William! Argh!

I want you to come over the
promenade with me. Yes.

Why?
I want you to take my knickers down.

Pardon? Well, they're on the pole
over there.

Oh, I see.

Well, you'd better take my arm,

because it can be a bit tricky
crossing this road. All right.

Right.

(MOTORBIKE APPROACHES)

(HORN)

(GIRLS SCREAMS)

It's already been done.
Well, what hasn't?

Excuse me!
Not now, sunny, I'm busy.

Sunny? You want your eyes tested.

I thought they built the shock
absorbers into the bikes.

Ha ha! Saucy!

Are you the bloke in charge?
Yes. Fiddler's the name.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Hope Springs.
Hope Springs? I don't believe it!

True. Well, actually, my real name's
Muriel Bloggs.

But it was hardly right for this
game, was it? What game?

Beauty contests, of course!

Wait. Don't tell me you're
a competitor? Course I am!

See?

Miss Easy Rider.

I beat 14 other girls for that.
Doing what?

Course, I was at an advantage.
We had to do it on a motorbike.

Isn't that a handicap?

No, I mean I've been riding a bike
for years now.

Good for you. But this is a straight
beauty contest. No kinky stuff.

Oh, I see. You feel I'm not right
for it, don't you?

No. just don't want you to waste
your time.

Oh, I won't, don't you worry.

I look a lot different in a bikini.
So does he, but he's not entering.

Just you wait and see. You're in for
a big surprise.

Have you got a room I can change in?
Use mine.

Promise you won't come in?
Only halfway through!

(LAUGHS) 'Ere, I'd better hav
e a room of my own.

Perhaps you're right. Come on.

Connie, have you got a room
for this young lady?

Of course, Sidney.

I think you'll find that an ideal
one. Thank you, Connie.

Thats for the broom cupboard!

That's right, where we keep
all the scrubbers.

How dare -
All right, keep your hat on.

Here. Go and change in mine.
I'll sort it out later.

Ta. I heard that.
Does she fancy you or something?

You know how it is. A widow with a
place like this, things get on top
of her.

Yeah, I bet they do... frequently.
Ha ha ha!

Here, go on, get changed.
Ta. See ya.

See ya.

Ahem! Excuse me. Mind if I join you?

Help yourself. It's big enough,
isn't it?

By Jove, yes.

I won't ask how far you want to go,
I might get the wrong answer.

Only to the bottom, my dear.

Oh! So you want to play, do you?

Come on, then.

Argh! No! No no!

Ooh! No!

(CACKLES)

Come on, lover.
I've only just started.

That will teach the old buzzard.
What did you do to him?

I think I tickled his fancy.
Ha ha ha!

Well, do I pass now? With honours,
in at least two subjects!

Ooh, saucy! Let's hope the judges
think like you.

If they do, they'll all get locked
up. Promises, promises.

Am I too late for the pictures? No,
go to the others over there. Ta.

That's the lot, is it?

Er, no. There's still Miss Brakes
to come.

Oh, no, not Dawn! Is she here?
That's right. Do you know her?

Do I? I'm not saying anything against
her,

but if this was a dog contest,
none of us would stand a chance.

If it was a cat show you'd do all
right, though. Oh, I like the girl.

It's not her fault she has to wear
a falsie.

What do you mean, a falsie?
She's got one bigger than the other.

Is that right?
No, left.

But you're crazy about her? Oh,
I wouldn't say a word against her!

Like in the last contest we were in.

We were sharing this dressing room
together, and I had this fabulous
silver bikini.

And I just popped out for a while.

It could easily happen in that
outfit.

I'm not saying she nicked it, mind,
but...

(DONKEY BRAYS)

Push, push!
Keep him coming, that's it.

Good boy. That's a...
Keep him quiet. Push!

Aagh!

What's that?
All right. It's only a donkey.

I know it's a donkey!
What's it doing in my lounge?

That's a good question.

What do you think you're doing?
Sid, meet Cleopatra.

How do you... Have you gone out of
your mind? No, it's for the photos.

Beauty and the beast. Get it?

Beauty and the... Beauty and the
beast! What a great idea!

Come on. Come over here. Come on.

I am not having it here. Take it out.

Be reasonable. It's only for a few
minutes.

Be reasonable? I don't even allow
dogs in here! It's not a dog.

I know it's not,
but these carpets are very expensive.

(SPLAT)
William!

I'm afraid it's too late.

Don't just stand there, get a shovel!
Yes.

It'll be good for the potted palms.

Get it out of here, Sidney.
Get it out!

Right... We'll get a couple of quick
shots first.

Right, this is what we'll do. We'll
get one of the girls
to sit on the donkey..

What's the matter with you?
Oh, gosh.

Are you ready for me now?
More than ready, darling.

Come on. I want you to come and sit
on this donkey.

All right. Are you sure it's safe?
He doesn't look too happy.

He should be. He just got a big load
off his mind. Ha ha!

If you say so.
Right. Come on.

Wait a minute. Hang on.

Don't just stand there.
Come and give her a bunk up. What?

A bunk up! Come on!
Oh, I see. Right.

Ready?

There we are. That's it.

All right, girls. let's have you.
Round the donkey, please. Come on.

All right?

All right, Larry, we're ready.

Just a minute, I've still got my robe
on. Hang on.

I knew it!

You thieving bitch!

What's going on here?
That's my bikini she's got on.

Really? I don't know what she's
talking about.

Just a minute. She nicked it from my
dressing room last year!

Darling, I wouldn't be seen dead in
your old rags.

You'll be seen dead if you don't
give it back!

That's quite enough.
You stay out of this!

(CACKLES)

You rotten cow!

(CLAMOUR)

Oh!

(SHOUTING)

No!

Come on!

Get it off!

(SCREAMS) Stop it, somebody!

Break it up! Come on.

Is Councillor Fiddler here?
Just about. What?

What is going on here?

Ladies, please!

(COMMOTION CONTINUES)

(SPLAT)

Waaargh! Aaargh!

Come on! You've done enough damage
as it is.

Come on, leave my potted plants
alone.

William, come on with the shovel.
Quick, before there's any more
damage!

(CLAMOUR CONTINUES)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

(CLOCK CHIMES)

(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

Mildred!

Aaargh!
(RADIO ON)

Mil... (WHEEZES)

Mildred!

(RADIO PLAYS LIGHT MUSIC)

You're up, then.

Of course I am! Didn't you hear me
calling?

No, I had the radio on.
I know you had it on.

I can't remember when you had it
off.

Neither can I.

Are you aware that it is now five
past nine?

Am I missing something, then?

My tea. I ordered it for 8:30.

Better late than never, I always say.

Here you are, then.
Thank you very much.

Enough sugar?
Quite.

And cigarette ash.

Isn't it time you started thinking
about getting dressed?

What for?

Have you forgotten what I kept on
telling you last night?

To stop snoring?

At ten o'clock, we have an official
visit to the maternity hospital.

Do I have to go?

Of course you do. They're expecting
you.

I don't really feel up to it,
Frederick.

You've got to! You are the Mayor's
wife, God help him!

You have a duty to do.

And that doesn't mean sitting around
here all day like an old compost
heap.

Yes, Frederick.

You should take pride in being the
wife of Fircombe's leading citizen.

(CHUCKLES)

And what, may I ask, is so amusing?

You.
What do you mean?

Here.

(GROANS)

Oh...

Is that you, Rosemary?
Yes.

Have you seen this?

Yes. Bloody disgrace!

Still, what can you expect from
a man?

My boy Lawrence took it, you know.

It's done him quite a bit of good.
And us. Us? Why?

The more old Bumble lays himself open
to ridicule like this,

the better our chances
of having a lady mayor next time.

Gosh, yes! That would hit 'em where
it hurts, wouldn't it?

Oh, please, Rosemary. I don't like
any reference to that area of their
so-called superiority.

By golly, you'd make a spiffing
mayor, Augusta.

We've got to keep up the pressure
against this damn beauty contest.

I agree. What's the next step?

I've been wondering.

Have you any pull with anyone at the
maternity hospital?

Good Lord, no.
It's hardly my scene, is it?

Only the Mayor is opening
a new nursery there today.

I thought we might arrange
a little...surprise for him.

(WILLIAM HUMS TO HIMSELF)

Haa. How do you do?

Mr Prodworthy, I'm so pleased
you could come.

You didn't mind me calling you,
did you? Not at all, Miss Brakes.

I saw your photos in the paper.
I was very impressed.

I thought perhaps you could help me.
Of course. Anything.

A magazine wants some pin-up photos,
and I thought you could take them.

Oh. Thank you.
Um, here, do you mean?

No, on the beach.

Oh, fine. But I advise plenty of
warm clothing.

I don't think the magazine would like
that. Why not?

They only want nudes.
Huh?

You have done nudes before?

Oh, yes.
Shall we have a bash, then?

Pardon? Oh, er... pictures. Now?

Yes, they want them by the end of
the week. Yes, but naked,

on the beach, in broad daylight,
in Fircombe?

I'm sure we'll find a deserted spot.
Come on.

Oh!

I beg your pardon?

Of all the filthy rotten beasts!

Disgusting!
You're a sex maniac!

I didn't... Honestly, I didn't do
a thing!

Say goodbye to Mrs Philpotts for me,
there's a good fellow.

Ohh!

That's about the fourth that's left
this morning.

You don't have to tell ME.
Where's Mr Fiddler?

He's still up in his room. He just
sent down for some more coffee.

I'll give him coffee!

Good. It'll save ME a trip.

Ha ha ha!

(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Come in.

I'll have it here, please, on the
bed. You won't, you know!

Oh! I'm sorry, I thought it was
my coffee.

That's OK. Look, I came to apologise
for what happened yesterday.

Are you joking? Have you seen the
publicity we got out of it?

Front page, every paper.

Good, eh?
I was hoping it'd do the trick.

What do you mean, you were hoping?
Well, the donkey wasn't a bad idea,

but there's nothing like a really
good punch-up amongst women.

You mean you started it
deliberately?

Ha ha! You're a clever little devil,
ain't you?

Well, I'm pretty sure it was my
outfit she had on.

Of course, I could be wrong.
Ha ha ha!

We should get together.

With your brains and my beauty,
we could go places.

Ha ha!
I don't think I could teach YOU much.

You wanna bet?
I think I'd better be going.

No, no. Come here. What's the hurry?

You know what the others would say
if they knew I was here.

Yeah. 'Why should SHE have
all the luck?'

They'd say I was trying to work on
you to fix myself to win.

They'd be dead wrong. Nothing you
could do would influence me.

Hop in here and I'll prove it.
No, thanks.

I'll take my chance with the rest.

I'll tell you what.

You send the others in one at
a time, and I'll prove it.

You can't say fairer than that.
I really think you would too!

(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Leave it outside the door, please.

Sidney, I want to talk to you.
It's Connie.

She mustn't catch you in here.
CONNIE: Sidney?

Just a minute, love.

Quick, in the cupboard!
(SPRING BOINGS)

Ooh! What's the matter?
My dressing gown's got caught!

Oh, no!
CONNIE: Sidney!

All right, love! I'm not decent.

It's caught in the spring!
Do something, for God's sake!

All right, but turn the other way.

(SNORTS AND SNARLS)

CONNIE: Sidney?
Coming!

Come in. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Just getting dressed.
You didn't get very far.

What's the matter? Something's upset
you! Upset?

Four more of my regulars moved out
today.
That's seven gone in two days.

We don't want to discuss it up here.
Let's go to the office.

In your pyjamas? Charming, that
should get rid of a few more.

I'll put on my dressing gown...
No, I won't.

You go downstairs and I'll follow...

What is it?
That's what I'm wondering.

Oh, there's my dressing gown!

I'd wondered what happened to it.

Won't be long.

(RIP!)

It's shrunk.
Where is she?

Who? I don't know what you're on
about.

What? There isn't one.
I always go to the bathroom. Connie!

Connie, wait a minute!
Oh. Hello.

I thought as much.

Connie. Wait a minute. Connie!

Gosh, you're right,
it is a bit nippy.

What do you keep looking round
like that for?

I'm just worried somebody might come
along.

So what? I'm sure they've seen
a naked girl before.

Well, I haven't!
Well, not like this, anyway.

You're not embarrassed, are you?
You shouldn't be, you know.

As a photographer, you should
regard these things objectively.

Well, nobody could regard those
things objectively.

Why, what's wrong with them?
Oh, nothing. They're er...

Er...

Let's get on with the photographs.

Oh, I've still got my panties on.

Oh, er, haven't you taken enough off?

Not for the magazine
these photos are for.

Oh, my God!

Oh...
OK now, Larry?

Oh, help! Help! Get me out!

Help, help! Get me out!

(TOILET FLUSHES)

It won't be long now.

I'm used to this.
That's all right, your Worship.

Here she is.
Sorry to keep you all waiting.

It's a weakness of mine, you know.
That's all right.

Frederick could tell you. I have to
get up four or five times during the
night, don't I?

Yes, yes, yes.

I'm sure the matron has no wish
to listen to our nocturnal habits.

I didn't mean those sort of habits.

We haven't done anything like that
for...

Could we please get on with it,
Matron?

Yes, of course, your Worship.

Well, this is the new nursery.

As you can see, we've named it
the Frederick Bumble Nursery.

I am, of course, highly honoured,

but I would have thought that Mrs
Prodworthy hetre, as chairman of the
hospital board...

Thank you, your Worship, but the
committee felt the honour should go
to you.

The commemoration plaque is at the
far end.

I must ask you all to be very quiet,
as the babies will all be asleep.

Of course. Bless their hearts.

Just leave them.
Just leave them there. Leave them!

(Just pull the cord when you're
ready, your Worship.)

Yes, of course, Matron. Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen...
Ssh!

(SOFTLY) Ladies and gentlemen,

it is with the greatest pleasure...

nay, even with pride

that I unveil this commemorative
plaque

to mark the completion
of this splendid new nursery.

(COUGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

Who is responsible for this?
(BABIES STAAT CRYING)

Who was responsible for this?

I'll have them...

Who did this?

Shut up, you little devils! Shut up!
(BABIES CONTINUE TO CRY)

Who was it?

I tell you, I've never been
so humiliated.

And it's all your fault! You and
this wretched beauty contest!

Oh, come off it, Fred. It can't be
all that serious.

I tell you, I was a laughing stock.

Even the babies were wetting
themselves.

I wish we'd known.
We'd have had a photographer.

You won't need any photos,
not with Augusta Prodworthy there.

It'll be all over the town by now.

You're making a mountain out of
a molehill.

If you hadn't been wearing
your pants...

It was ghastly enough, thank you.

If you don't believe me, ask HER.
She'll tell you.

Well, say something, woman!
Is there a ladies' handy?

Oh, shut up!

I warn you, Fiddler, I will not be
involved in any more of your
publicity stunts.

No more! Pity, because he's got
a good one lined up.

I do not care. Come along, Mildred.

It would have done you good. Put you
in a heroic light for a change.

I don't wish to...know. Oh?

How do you mean...heroic light?

You know Lovers' Walk,
where everybody goes for a snog?

Yes, yes, yes. What about it?

This is it. One of our girls goes for
a walk,

is attacked, has half her clothes
torn off,

but is rescued in the nick of time
by guess who?

Me.

Er, what would I be doing there?

Well, you just happened to be there,
with your wife, of course.

What, me...

down Lovers' Walk with her?

You must be raving mad!

He's got a point there, Pete.
Tell you what,

we'll fix you up with one of our
girls.

You ARE raving mad!
Oh, let me get out of here.

Oh, it's you, your Worship.

I didn't recognise you with your
trousers on.

Mildred! Let's get out of...

Did I say something wrong?
Not so as you'd notice.

Did you seeo Connie?
Yeah. I tried to explain to her,
but she wouldn't listen.

Just like a woman.
What do you expect?

She finds you and Hope practically
naked in your bedroom

and you expect her to believe
nothing happened?

I still don't believe it myself.
I must be slipping.

Silly. I like to think a man can have
a relationship with a woman

which isn't just based on sex.

I agree. She should have money
as well. Ha ha!

(PHONE RINGS)
Hello?

Yes, just a minute.

It's a fellow from the television
studios. He wants to talk to you.

Councillor Fiddler speaking.

Are you the person
organising the beauty contest?

Yes, that's right.
Well, I'm...Cecil Gaybody.

You don't say.
I do Woman's Things every week day.

Aren't you lucky!
The magazine programme.

What did you have in mind,
Mr Gayboy? Gaybody.

You know the kind of thing - come
down, interview some of the girls.

Oh, yes. And I think that's a great
idea.

I'd be happy to lay it on for you.

We could come down this evening.
Six o'clock? Fine. Byesy-wyesy.

Oh, yes, and byesy-wyesy to you too.

We're in! I'm telling you, we're in!

They want to do a television bit
on it. Ha ha! Great! On what?

That's what we need to sort out.
It must be something sensational.

Now, then. Think.

You've had a lot of experience.
What we want is some big surprise.

Nothing'd surprise me in this game,

even if one of us turned out to be
a man.

That's it. That's it!

I love you! Didn't I tell you
you were a genius?

Are you kidding?
No, no, no. Can't you see it?

Those girls are lined up,
being interviewed on the telly,

then one arrives looking absolutely
fantastic.

Suddenly...pop! Ooh!

One flat tyre. Do you know, it could
be kind of funny at that.

It'd be money in the bank.
Yes!

Aren't you overlooking one small
point?

None of our girls are men.
How do you know?

Don't be ridiculous, Sid.
All right, we'll get a man to do it.

I'm sure the Mayor
would be only too willing to oblige.

I don't know. I don't think we'd
have to look very far, do you?

We might just about get away with it,

with a good wig and make-up.
And flat heels.

Oh, no. No, I'm not having that.

Oh, come on, Pete, what have you got
to lose?

Nothing much, but I'm not losing it
dressed as a woman.

Nobody will know it's you. You can
change back immediately after.

I'm not changing my sex for you or
anybody else, and that's flat.
No, definitely no!

Stop wriggling.
I can't help it.

I can hardly breathe in this damn
thing. Then don't breathe.

That's fine! Don't move, stop
breathing...

Why don't you just bury me and have
done? That would be a good stunt.

All the other girls can be
coffin bearers

with top hats black armbands
and a lily stuck up their -

There. 'Ere, not bad.

I wish your knees weren't quite so
knobbly, though. Oh, I am sorry!

I'll go to the hospital and get
deknobbled.

Anything else you want me to have
off?

(CHUCKLES)

We could do with a little bit more
padding up here, though.

Oof! That's all right. We'll just get
them to transplant the knobbles
from my knees.

(GIGGLES)

(CAMP) I'll do that, saucy!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Hello, is that Mrs Prodworthy?

Yes, it is. Who is that?

You won't know who this is, but...

Choo-gai! Hurgh!
Blimey. Not much, she won't.

Kindly state your business.

Well, this may come as a surprise
to you,

but one of the entrants in the
beauty competition is really a man.

What? I can't believe it.

Well, have you ever seen a young
woman using the gentlemen's toilet?

No, but it's possible, I imagine.

What, standing up?

Good heavens!

But this is incredible! Which one of
them is it?

I'm not prepared to say. But if
you're at the hotel at six o'clock,

you'll have a chance of finding out.

Did she swallow it?
Hook, line and sinker!

Well done. Not a word of this
to anybody, particularly Mr Potter.

Of course not, Mr Fiddler.
There we are.

Very nice, I won't forget...

Oh, er... Mr Fiddler?

Could you... I seem to have mis...

This is silly. I can't even see my
feet now.

YOU should worry!
I haven't seen mine since I was 13.

Come on. Sit down at the dressing
table and we'll try the wig on.

Now, what do you think
you look best in?

A black-out. Which would you prefer,
a short or a long one?

I think this one.

There you go.

There. What do you think?

Do you know, it may sound kinky,
but...

I could fancy myself.

You wait till you see yourself
in a dress!

(CHUCKLES)

(AS MAE WEST)
Come up and see me sometime.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Who is it?

It's me, Sid.
Just a minute. I'm not decent!

What am I saying?

How's it going?

Hey... You're lovely!

Oh, shut up!
No, really, I mean it. Come here.

Get away from me, you dirty old man!

(CACKLES)

Well, what do you think?
Absolutely perfect.

He'd fool anybody.

Until I open my big mouth.
You don't open your big mouth.

When they twig you're a bloke, you
gallop back to your room and change.

What do I do to show them
I AM a bloke?

If the answer is what I think it is,
no, I won't do it.

It's all right, don't worry.

When I introduce you, you step
forward, trip,

your wig flies off, I scream,
'Cor blimey, it's a fella!'

Sensational.
Oh, very subtle.

(PHONE RINGS)

Take this.

Room 44.

Yeah, I'll tell him.

The television people are here.

Here we go. Now, stop worrying.

Go on, get into your dress,
there's a good girl.

No, it goes OVER your head!
Bend down.

You could do with a spot of rouge
on your cheeks. Ha ha!

Get out!

What television interview?
I don't know about any interviews.

Excuse me, but we made arrangements
with Mr Fiddler to film here at six
o'clock.

In here? Not in this dreary room.
It's not Bleak House.

Look here, I refuse to stand here
any longer and take any more -

All right, Connie, leave it to me.

Just get them out of here,
you understand? Out.

I'm not having any more of your
little stunts.

Excuse us. Connie...

I can't just chuck them out.
Think of the publicity.

We can't possibly get enough of it.

Really? I was under the impression
that you were getting more than
enough of it!

Excuse me. I'm sorry about that.

Mr Fiddler, we've come quite a long
way and I'm really rather worn out.

And you look it. Tired, I mean.

I'd like to get it over with.
Yes, well, through here, please.

(WILLIAM MUMBLING)

Hello. I won't keep you a moment.

Hello? Hello?

Oh. Argh!

Oh! It wasn't... It was...

Hee hee! Hm... Sorry.

I'd like to see Mr Potter, please.

Yes, just one moment, I'll...

Urgh! Argh! Give over!

Mr Potter? I won't keep you
a second. Hmm! Hmm!

Potter, that's quite right.
It's Room 43, the fourth floor.

It's all right, don't bother.
I'll give him a - Haa! Hmm!

I'll give him buzz for you.

No, no, please don't bother.
I'd like to surprise him anyway.

Yes, well, it's Room 43, fourth
floor. Ho! Shut up.

Oh! I think you'd better go down
a couple of flights,

so you can get used to the frock.
Come on.

All right. Quiet, everyone, please!

Ready whenever you are, Mr Fiddler.
We've just got two more to come.

Excuse us.

Here they are. Up here, please.
Come on.

By Jove, what a magnificent beam!

(RIP)
You clumsy cow!

I'm awfully sorry.
Don't worry, I'll do it myself.

Miss Potter,
would you get on the end of the line?

Be a darling, Miss Potter.

There we are. All set.
Thank goodness for that.

Now we'll start.

Come on, girls, don't forget,
tease, please, plenty of tease.

Come on, throw your thingamabobs
out.

Not right out, darling.
It's not an educational programme.

Yes, yes, I know. But even supposing
that your information is correct,

I fail to see what we can do about
it.

Inspector, is there no law against
a man masquerading as a woman?

Well, if it's with intent to defraud
the public, yes, ma'am.

But he would only be defrauding
if he was offering something
he hasn't got.

He WOULD be offering something
he hasn't got!

It depends what he's offering.

Well, that is tricky.
Take this gentleman here.

He can dress up as a woman
if he so wishes. She IS a woman.

Oh, well, that's different.

She can dress up as a man.
She is!

Oh, this is getting us nowhere.

Inspector, is it or is it not fraud
if a man masquerades as a woman

in order to win a prize?
That would be an offence.

Then that is all we wish to know.
Come along.

And now, Woman's Things takes you
to the darling seaside town of
Fircombe,

for an exclusive behind-the-scenes
peep

at the drama in a typical beauty
contest. Stop!

Madam, if you don't mind,
we are recording a television show.

You are recording a public scandal,
that is what you're doing.

I beg your pardon?

I have every reason to believe
that one of those women is a man.

Really? Do tell!

You don't know what you're saying.

Oh, yes, I do. I had an anonymous
phone call.

Well, we'll soon sort that out.
Girls, you heard what the lady said.

If it's true, would the guilty one
kindly step forward?

Satisfied? No! I demand that each one
undergoes an examination.

Physical examination?
Exactly!

It's up to them. If it was me, I'd be
only too happy to prove you wrong.

What do you say, girls?

Strip off, you mean? Just to the
undies. That'll be enough.

Well, I'm game. Come on.

Miss Potter!
(MOUTHS PROTEST)

Keep shooting, Cyril, it'll be
a sensation!

You too, Miss Potter. Now don't be
shy.

You rotten, stinking...!
That's him!

Stop him, somebody!
Stop him! (RIP!)

Stop that...person!

After him! Tally-ho!

This way, my dear. Over here!

Up the stairs! Up the stairs!

Help! How dare you, you thing, you!

Serves you right for trying,
you dirty old lecher.

Help!

Oh! Sorry, wrong room!

Peter, in here!

Get your own clothes on!

Go on, get in the bathroom!
Get your make-up off!

Excuse me. Have you seen
a half-clothed...woman up here?

Why, yes. She came into my fiance's
room a moment ago.

It's in there.
What is?

Don't ask me, sir.
All right, leave this to me, please.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

I must ask you to open the door,
please. It's the police.

Quick, on the bed.

Ahem!

How dare you burst in like that!

Excuse me, ma'am. Sir.
We were looking for a...

Sorry. All right, come on.

Oh, you're wonderful!

Peter!
Oh, no!

(ALL TALK AT ONCE)

Ha ha!

See the way they're pouring in. It's
even better than we bargained for.

Than YOU bargained for, you mean.

You're not still sore about what
happened? No, I'm chuffed to bits!

I've lost my fiancee, I nearly get
raped by a sex-starved admiral,

and if it hadn't been for Hope,
I'd be in jail by now.

Her idea, was it,
all that rumpo on the bed?

It certainly wasn't mine.

What are you complaining about?

Consider yourself dead lucky
you got anywhere near her. I would!

I've got nothing against her.

I just happen to be in love with
Paula.

Oh, forget it. She'll come back.
They always do.

Look at Connie. Last night she
wouldn't speak to me,

today she'll be all over me.

Hello, darling. Doing all right out
there?

I told you they'd come flocking in,
didn't I?

All over you.
And from a great height!

That's exactly how it happened,
believe it or not.

I suppose Peter asked you
to come and tell me this.

No, he doesn't know I'm here.

But he was so upset, I thought
I ought to try and straighten things
out.

You mean that this mysterious
Patricia Potter was Peter?

Yes.

The silly fool. What made him do it?

It wasn't his idea. Sid talked him
into it.

From what I've heard about him,
I can well believe that.

Oh, Sid's not so bad. He's really
quite nice when you get to know him.

I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were
keen on him.

Now you come to mention it,
neither did I... There's a thing.

Look, are we the only two
who know Peter was this girl?

Yeah, why?

If Peter can be a beauty queen,
I'm damn sure I can.

Do you think I stand a chance?
Yeah!

'Ere, you'll be the greatest!

Mildred!

Mildred?
(RADIO ON)

(JAZZY MUSIC)

There!
That should do it good.

Now perhaps you will get dressed.

Why?
The car will be here soon.

We are due at the fire station
at ten o'clock.

What for?
To inspect their new fire engine.

That should be exciting.

Will you please go to the toilet
before we leave?

I don't think I'll bother, thank you.

I don't feel like looking at
fire engines.

Have you taken leave of your senses?

Those firemen are expecting you to
be there with me.

What am I going to tell them?

Tell them there's more than one way
to put a fire out.

And that's exactly how I feel
about their new engine.

As you all know, this degrading
spectacle is due to take place

at 3pm on Saturday
in the Pier Theatre,

and our primary objective now
is to ensure that it does not.

Hear, hear!
Now for your orders, then.

This is a plan of the pier
and the theatre.

Each one of you section leaders

will be in command of one area of
the offensive.

I must stress that the success of
the whole operation

depends on...surprise.

And I must ask you to regard this
briefing as top secret.

Right...
(CLATTER)

(I think there's someone
in the outer office.)

A-ha! All right, come in here.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to disturb anything.

Mrs Bumble!

What are YOU doing here?
I'd like to join up.

Rosemary, get the candle.

Right, it's a deal.

Three o'clock in the pier theatre on
Saturday.

And thank you, Mr Gaybody.

How about that, Pete? 5,000 quid for
the exclusive television rights.

Marvellous. What are you looking
so worried about?

Do you realise, we haven't seen
those Women's Lib pickets out all day
today.

So what? We've got 'em licked and
they know it.

But why choose to stop NOW?

That is women's fundamental
weakness.
They never know WHEN to stop.

Don't worry. It's all plain sailing
from now on.

Yes, Inspector? What can I do for
you? Excuse me, sir,

we've had information that Miss
Patricia Potter is here again.

That's impossible. He's here.
That's what I said, sir.

But he can't... She can't be.

William booked her into Miss
Spring's room an hour ago.

What's going on here?
Perhaps we'd better find out, sir.

You're dead right, matey!
We WILL find out.

Oh... Oh, hello, Sid.

The Inspector seems to think that
you've got Patricia Potter in here.

Yes, that's right.
You have?

I'd like to see him, please, miss.
You mean HER.

I'd like to see him or her, please.
OK. Come in.

Someone to see you, Patricia.

Yes?

You are Miss Patricia Potter?
That's right.

Is that the one what was here
before, Cookson? I think so, sir.

I'm sorry about running away,
but I hadn't got my best undies on.

Oh, yes?

Do you still intend to enter
this beauty contest?

Of course. Why shouldn't I?

Because we have reason to believe
that you are of the male sex.

Oh, well, really!
Do I look like a man?

These days, it's very often difficult
to tell.

What about you? Do you think
I'm male? I'd rather not say.

Well, there's only one way of
proving I'm not, I suppose.

No, no, don't do that.
It's all right.
I've got something on underneath.

Is that enough?
Yes. Thank you, miss.

I must apologise. I am perfectly
satisfied.

All right, Cookson, come along.

Nice work, darling.
Hey!

(CACKLES)

What about you, Peter?
Are you perfectly satisfied?

No. But I bloody well soon will be!

By the... Ooh, dear.

And by this action...
And by this action...

I, Mildred Bumble...
I, Mildred Bumble...

proclaim my equality to man...
proclaim my equality to man...

and cast aside the bonds of
womanhood.

and cast aside the bonds of
womanhood.

Proceed.
Proceed.

Ooh!
Ooh!

Call the fire brigade, someone!

This is indeed a proud day
for the Fircombe Fire Brigade.

Very nice.
Thank you, your Worship.

Highly polished. What is that?
That's the bell, sir.

The new high-speed hose.

Well, well, I must say,
it all looks very efficient to me.

What might I ask is all this?

Amongst other things, your Worship,
this houses the lifeline.

The lifeline?

When any of the men are entering
a smoking building or suchlike,

first they attach one of these hooks
to their belt. So...

Oh, I see. Very good, yes.

Like this?
That's right.

Excuse me, your Worship, I'd like to
take a photograph of that.
Certainly, my boy, certainly.

(BELL RINGS)

Good heavens, what was that?
That's the alarm, I'm afraid.

(BELL CONTINUES TO RING)

(SIREN)

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

How much is it, please?
50 pence, please, sir.

Half a quid? Blimey, it'll have to
be good!

Oh, you won't see anything like this
again.

Great, innit?

I didn't expect a crowd like this.

We'll be sold out soon.
Thanks for helping, Con.

Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for
anything.

Well, I've worked for it.

No, you're going to get everything
you deserve.

I've got to get up to the theatre
now.

Just make sure all this money is
locked up nice and safe.

I'll take good care of it.
That's my girl.

Keep your eye on that lot. We don't
want any trouble.

Don't worry, sir. None of them will
get past us. Good lad.

Yes?

Excuse me, I'm looking for Paula...
Miss Patricia Potter.

All right, darling, I'll come out.
Just a tick.

Enjoying the view?
Oh, sorry.

What is it, darling? Paula, I don't
want you to take part in this.

Oh, darling, I'm enjoying it.
And I might even win.

I can't help it. I can't stand the
thought of those people leering and
mentally undressing you.

They won't have to strain their
mentality in this outfit.

You're not going out in that?
Don't you think it's suitable?

Suitable?! You're showing your...
button.

My what?
Your button! That.

Oh. Is that bad?

There are certain things
a woman just doesn't show in public.

But I didn't think that was one of
them. My mother always told me -

I don't care! You're not going out
there and that's that!

Peter, you don't own me! I damn well
do! When people meet my wife,

they'll say, 'There's
the woman with the button!'
Yes, darling. Let's see now...

How would it be if I wore this bit
down there? Well, that might...

Darling, I'm going to marry you!

Don't worry, darling. I'll find
something more respectable.

Sun Ray to A Able.
Commence Operation Nobble.

Roger and out.

Five minutes, girls.

Excuse me.

Are you going to wear your own?

Yeah, I like it, actually.

It makes you look younger, doesn't
it?

OK, Fred. All I want from you is
a few well-chosen words
to start the whole thing off.

Quite. I had thought of something
along these lines -

'Good afternoon, ladies and
gentlemen...' Great.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me.
Are you going to wish me luck?

You won't need it.
Oh, you reckon?

I know. I'll speak to the judges.
They're my mates.

You great big stupid ape!
What's the matter?

You think you can go through life
fixing things, even me?
You're dead wrong!

If I DO win, it won't be with any
help from you!

Wait a minute! Come here!

Just a minute. Don't you see?
I ant to do something nice for you.

Well, if you want to do something
nice, wish me luck.

I do, but even luck needs a bit of
a shove.

You'll never change, will you?
No, Sid, but thanks all the same.

All right. Good luck.

Do you mind? This is private.

This is the ladies' cloakroom.
Oh, Gawd!

(CACKLES)

(LAUGHS)

(SOFT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)

Good afternoon, madam.

'And although this venture
has not been welcomed

by some of our more retrogressive
residents,

I venture to say...

nay, nay...

I more than venture,

I proudly say...'

I proudly say...what?'

Are you ready? I'll introduce you.
Not quite yet. All right, Fred.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to this, the very first
Miss Fircombe Beauty Contest.

I am highly delighted to be able to
tell you

that all the contestants you will see
here today

represent the very cream of their
profession.

Cream, let me say, that comes
in the most magnificent containers.

(LAUGHTER)

Thank you. Before we go any further,

I'd like you to meet the man who has
given unstintingly of his time to
Fircombe,

your own distinguished Mayor,
Alderman Bumble!

(CLEARS THROAT) Clear my throat.

Ladies and gentlemen...
Get 'em off!

(CHEERING)

Get 'em off, Bumble!

That's your lot, Fred. Don't overdo
it.

It gives me great pleasure to be
here...

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

It's time for you to meet
our distinguished panel of judges,

who have given their services
entirely free.

First of all, we have Miss Carlotta
Strong,

principal of the Fircombe School of
Dancing, Miss Charleston 1932.

Second, Mr Alf Foggett,
landlord of the Royal Oak.

And finally, ladies and gentlemen,

none other than Mr Roger Tipson,
your own borough sanitary engineer.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
now comes the moment you've all been
waiting for,

the grand parade of all our lovely
contestants,

introduced to you by Mr Peter Potter.

Our first contestant this afternoon

is a young lady who is the present
holder of the title Miss Dairy Queen
- Dawn Breaks!

(APPLAUSE)

Reminds me of HMS Bristol.

Thank you, Dawn.

Next a young lady who is a late but
nonetheless very welcome entrant to
the contest,

Miss Patricia Potter!

(APPLAUSE)

By Jove!

Thank you, Miss Potter.

Third, we have a very popular young
lady,

who is the current holder of the
title Miss Easy Rider -
Hope Springs!

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

(LAUGHTER)

What's the matter? Has she got fleas
or something?

They all have!

Well done, Section A!

Get the next one on quick.

Contestant number four,
Geraldine Payne.

(APPLAUSE)

Section B, commence downfall.
Roger.

That's more like it.

(LAUGHTER)

What's happening here?

A-ch...

A-choo!

And now for a lady from bonny...

...land, Miss Susan Brooks.

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, my God! Get the rest of them on
quick!

Miss Eileen Denby.

Miss Maureen...

A-choo!
Aagh!

(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)

Miss Gloria Grimes.

Miss Melanie...Parker.
(LAUGHTER)

Miss Frances Dent.

Miss...

Sun Ray to all sections.
Commence Cloudburst.

(WOMEN SCREAM)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

(CLAMOUR)

Ladies and gentlemen, please.

There is no need to panic.
If you'll all try and keep your feet,

we will endeavour to find out
what has gone wrong.

Ladies and gentlemen, please!

This is your Mayor speaking to you.

I know how terribly disappointed
you must all be,

but we mustn't let it get us down.

Man the pumps! Abandon ship!

(ALMIGHTY CLAMOUR)

It's all right, ladies and
gentlemen. Keep your seats.
It's a swindle!

There's Fiddler!
Come on, let's get him!

All right. Goodbye.

There he is!

Sid, wait for me!

(HUBBUB)

'Thanks, Sid. This will pay for all
my hotel damages. Connie. Love.'

Love? The crooked old cow!

(CACKLES)

Sid! Wait for me!

(SID CACKLES)
Stop them!

Somebody stop those two!

Not bloody likely!

(BOTH CACKLE)

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