Original subtitles

No. Coordinate with Rome, then get me the latest intel...

...then tell Rodney they need travel documents an hour ago.

Then bring me the file I asked for.

Why don't I shove a broom up my ass and sweep the floor?

What was that'? Nothing.

Good. Saves you the embarrassment of an incredibly homophobic remark.

Aww!

Ew! Ow! Go.

Ow!

Sorry. What's going on?

Where? Uh, this new place called here?

Nothing.

What--? Malory.

Good luck. She just had an electro--

Electromagnetic lock installed. Are you serious?

Malory? Because I'm seriously asking.

Did Krieger give you robot hands?

Not yet, but you just say the word. The--

Out.

Can't have anything nice.

Krieger! Jazz hands.

Should have never taken him to see The Wiz.

The Broadway show or the movie?

Jazz hands.

Both.

Jazz hands.

I-- Whatever. Look, obviously there's--

Nothing is going on, Lana.

If there were, I would tell you, but--

There's a Cardinal Core/Ii on Line 1 for you.

Something about a faction of the Swiss Guard

assassinating the pope tomorrow night?

You need to get that?

Do you need to get that?

No. I'm sure whoever it is--

it's the Vatican, Line 1. Jesus!

Ah! Shit, I hope he didn't hear that.

Ah! Or that. Shit.

Just put him through, you idiot. Okay. Jesus.

Ah! Shit. Uhh.

Ha, ha. Giancarlo.

Now that I see your eyes...

...your lips, your... Ha, ha. Giancarlo.

And you are the only woman...

...who ever made me regret taking the holy orders.

And you are the only man who ever made me--

Come on!

- I'm right here, you know? - Why?

Getting new carpet in my office.

Which, speaking of, uh-- Ron.

Malory, you have married? Uh...

You are a fortunate man, signore.

- Oh, blow it out your cassock. - Ron!

Malory, we don't have much time. Your agents of ISIS, they are ready, no?

Or they are confused, verging on angry.

Lana, it's an undercover mission. At the Vatican?

Heh. What, they don't have black nuns?

Although, granted, I've never seen one. But that's not, like, a rule. Is it?

Ehh... Well, since you're not sending me...

...and I assume you're not sending Ray--

To the Vatican? You think all those Catholic priests wouldn't peg him...

...as American with that hillbilly accent?

Malory, I must go now. Please, hurry.

So not Ray and not me, which leaves...

Et cetera, et cetera.

You can't. No one is gonna believe Archer is a priest.

For your infor-- I'm in. Turn it off.

Okay, Jesus. Oh! Shit.

For your information, Lana, I have prepared for this mission.

Well, there's a--

First thing I did was watch every episode Daughter of the Devil...

...which, by the way, was grossly-- Inadequate preparation...

...for an undercover mission protecting the pope from assassination.

I was gonna say "underrated" but--

But even if you were prepared-- Which I truly feel that I am.

But which you're not. Who's your backup if Ray's not going? Cyril?

Ha, ha. No. No, it turns out Cyril--

Aah! How about a little warning?

--Has a thing about church stuff.

Since when? Since-- None of your beeswax and--

Aah! Ooh!

Well...

And I think I need a spanking because I have been a very naughty--

I guess that explains that.

It doesn't explain how Archer is gonna run this mission himself.

Well, if you were confused, verging on angry, before--

Aah! What? Jesus Christ.

Ah! Shit. Ah! Goddamn it. Ah!

Pam. What?

What? Pam'?

What?! Pam!

Heh. I don't know. What are we doing?

Aw, man, we have to learn Latin?

Ew. Yeah. That's a deal breaker.

You were speaking Latin when you walked in here.

Mm, no. Whereas I was just speaking Italian...

...which neither of you speak nor even understand, obviously, so--

So? Lana, the assassination plot is being hatched by the Swiss Guard.

So... So it's an eight-hour flight...

...so we get some tapes and brush up on our-- Swiss?

Duh. Well, since Swiss isn't a language...

...maybe you should get some tapes on German, French, Italian and Romansh.

Maybe I will. All right. Lana, pack a bag, you're--

No. Mother, come on, we don't need to--

Lana is going. Ha!

And, Pam, if you keep your eyes open and your big mouth shut...

...you just might learn something from her. Ha!

Why are you going "ha"? I don't know. What are we doing?

I'll tell you what we should be doing. So who does the pope remind you of?

- Ha! - What?

- Ha! - Shut up.

And you, also shut up. Yes, sir.

Ha! Why are you still going "ha"?

Pink Panther is on.

Father Guido Sardouchebag.

Oh, really?

Because she didn't specify an agent in command, Lana.

So I would argue-- With a fence post?

I wouldn't argue with a-- Oof!

Move, idiot. I'm going as fast as I can.

Not you, the-- The fence post?

Ha! It was a bollard.

And my point was-- Fine.

You're agent in command. Shut up, brief Corelli...

...and get the access code to the pope's apartment.

I will because I command me to.

And you should eat. This could be a long night and you're so teeny.

Hmm? Seriously, eat. You're like a slow loris.

Ugh. No. Uh, bit off my feed, I'm afraid.

Woodhouse, you need to--

Oh, come on, you need to fix? Mm.

Is there some amount you can shoot up to get right for the mission...

...without getting all trainspotty?

Back in a tick.

Oh, for the-- And thanks for making me carry your bag through customs.

No. Thank you.

Your Italian is, how you say, shit?

Then you are not gonna like my Romansh.

Mio Dio, you think this is funny? I thought that was.

Assassins plan to kill the Holy Father in his own bed on this very night.

Whoa, whoa. Take it down a notch, St. Louis.

His head is not up his ass.

How'd you know what he said? It was an eight-hour flight.

Wow. Did you learn Romansh? Who am I, Cypher, the gayest X-Man?

I don't know.

Gambit looks like he knows his way round a pair of--

Basta! Here is the access card to the Holy Father's private apartment.

I assume you have a plan once inside?

We call it the old switcheroo.

We absolutely do not call it the old switcheroo.

I know, right? Trope alert.

Feeling better? Sound as a pound, my dear.

Where the hell are we?

Uh, this new place called Italy?

How did I get all the way downtown?

Wha--? Not Little Italy, "ltaly" Italy.

Bloody hell. What are we doing here?

Thwarting an assassination attempt on the pope, using you as a decoy.

Back in a tick.

With Ken and your weekend weather.

And you may need an umbrella because it's gonna be raining dead-ass popes.

Aw, crap, he's already dead.

No, he's not. He's just old.

That's how Woodhouse looks when he's asleep.

I'm gonna get a mirror.

Heh. Until he wakes up and sees me staring at him...

...with night vision goggles and literally pisses himself.

Hey, does Woodhouse seem unhappy to you or--?

- What the hell are you doing? - Gonna see if his breath fogs it up.

Put the stupid mirror back. He's not-- Ah!

Dead. Nice job, Oliver Cromwell. I killed the pope.

Yeah. That's why I said Oliver Crom--

Jesus Christ, I'm going to hell! I'm going to hell.

I'm go--

Pam? Yes?

Get off the pope.

Hey, Your Holiness.

Is he dead'? I don't know. Shut up, I'm--

Should I get another mirror? But, like, a much, much smaller one?

- No. You're half heroin already. - Unh.

Okay, here's Junkie Brewster. Let's--

Where's the pope?

Here's the thing-- Promise you won't get mad?

I actually do not promise I won't get mad. Because here's what thing?

Um... What? Why is there a giant mirror on the--?

Oh, my God, you crushed the pope?

Don't just stand there, idiots, help me get it off and-- Pam! Woodhouse.

Huh? Oh.

Oh. Ow!

What the--? Is that a needle? Ha, ha.

Oh, thank God.

We're-- Your Holiness, do you speak English?

Yes, of course.

But-- Ha! Way to waste your time learning Italian, Pam.

And could you...? Sorry.

Dio mio, he look just like me. Yes, Your Holiness, he's a decoy.

We believe a faction of the Swiss Guard will

make an attempt on your life tonight, so--

So if you don't mind hopping out of those pope-jamas--

Archer. We'll hide you, put him in your place...

...wait for them to come in, and then-- Then what? You are only two.

Well, three, so--

Better make that two.

Think I might have grabbed the tail of the dragon here.

Ooh. Then you're in for a treat.

Shut up. And with all due respect, Your Holiness, it's the Swiss Guard.

I think we can handle a few court jesters with, whatever, halberds.

Which you realize are just ceremonial.

Obviously they're ceremonial, Lana. They were made obsolete by the arquebus.

Which is why, now, they use MP5s. Oh.

Which is why, where's the gear bag with all of our automatic weapons?

- Well, I assume in the hotel room, but-- God-- Ugh!

I thought they just had halberds. Do you at least have a sidearm?

It was ruining the lines of my cassock. Damn it.

Again, I honestly thought they just had...

Shit stacks. ...halberds.

Although, technically, I think they're called voulges.

I got him. Just toss him down.

I'm not tossing the fricking pope.

Somehow, this is all your fault.

Oh, for the-- This is the pope.

- Oh. Then... - Aah!

Ow! Oh, for shit sake already. Ha, ha!

Archer, shut up and find us some--

--Transport. Are you shitting me?

Well, it was this or the Vespas.

It's not my fault Italy's so gay.

Which, by the way, pope, on the gay thing--

La sacra Bibbia says it is a mortal sin.

But get me out of here alive and I will pardon you for it, my son.

What? No, I-- Ha!

So why are you scared of church stuff?

Did the unspeakable happen to your slender, hairless, adolescent body?

What? No.

Ew! Ugh.

Right? First of all, I'm not--

I'm not scared of priests or nuns or-- Bishops?

No, I-- Bishop the android from Aliens?

No. I told Miss Archer that because I didn't wanna go on another mission...

...with the world's worst colleague. Bishop the android from Aliens.

Archer. You think he's a dick here? On a mission, he's 10 times worse.

That's impossible.

- Oh, really? - Yes, really.

A, I was a race car driver, and B--

Archer. Holiness, a little help?

--The pope could drive better than you. No, no.

Why are you taking her side? She's Lutheran.

Eh. Luther had some valid complaints.

- Archer! Drive the fricking car. - Ow!

Okay, Lana! What is your problem?

Well, there's you and also that.

Why aren't they on horseback? Because why would they be?

Oh, right, right. Halberdsmen are foot soldiers.

The bigger question is, if they really are the Swiss Guards.

Why are they wearing Swiss Guard uniforms, driving a Swiss Guard car?

Holy shi-- It's a false-flag operation. To make it look like the Swiss Guard.

Who told you I was to be assassinated?

Cardinal Corelli. He--

He wouldn't, by any chance, be next in line for the papacy, would he?

Well, there would be an election. Right. With the smudge pot.

But Corelli would be sure to win. Pretty good motive.

Yeah. You must make a shitload.

Go. What are you doing?

- I'm letting them catch up. - Why?

Can I finish? He asked, agent-in-commandingly.

Take the wheel and maintain speed.

Woodhouse, lighter. I'm only 90 pounds wet, sir.

What? No, you idiot, your spoon cooker.

Oh, right. Like pulling teeth with you people.

Lana, head toward Swiss Guard HQ.

What? While you request "Free Bird"?

Actually, that was pretty good, for you, at least.

But no, while I do--

Shit, I had a pun about flares.

Fake dynamite? That's your plan?

So, hey, can I squeeze in a confession?

Fine. I'll buy a damn indulgence. Oh, wait.

Wait until they're right beside us, then swerve into them.

What, so you're crushed between the--?

Should have seen that coming.

- Hey, I can see St. Peter's from here. - Archer, look out.

Goddamn it, quit telling me what to do. I'm the goddamn agent in command.

Figo. He really drops the GD bombs.

Plus, he's a whoremonger.

Cough. Oh, please. Who hasn't paid for it?

Still talking about indulgences.

Lana, now! He said, last-wordsingly. Hang on.

What the--? Pam, what did he say'?

What do you think he said, dick nuts? Pay attention to the fricking context.

Well, sorry, I don't have your language nerd skills.

Hang on, Pambit.

Wrong X-Man, dumb-ass. Still, though.

- Oh! - Oh, shit!

Pam! Get down!

Aah! Lana!

Mm. I'm fine.

Yeah. Me too, asshole.

Yeah, good.

Is the pope hit?

Uh, no. He's-- They're both good.

Really wish I hadn't focused so heavily on the Romansh.

Lesson one.

Context. They're reloading.

Oh. That's what you mean by context?

What else could she possibly mean?

Who am I, William Safire?

Oh, and speaking of, in the hole!

What?

Safire in the hole, Lana. It's a--

Lana, look out!

Ow.

Ah. So the good news is, my men have apprehended Cardinal Corelli...

...who immediately confessed to the plot. Hey, hey, that is good news.

You know how the whole "the good news is" thing works, right?

The bad news is... Oh, right.

...the men you killed were camorra.

What are they, like, the Mafia? Ha, ha, ha.

The camorra is like your Mafia, like--

SEAL Team 6 is like the Girl Scouts. Exactly.

So equally sexy?

- Ow! - Ow!

But the real good news-- Ow!

Dick.

--Is that we saved the pope's life.

For which we are grateful.

However, we cannot tell these two apart.

$0... So I actually have an idea about that.

Is it, take them both home, see which one's a better butler...

...and give the other one back to the church?

Uh, never mind.

Then why don't we leave them both here until they come to.

I'm sure Woodhouse never gets a vacation.

Are you kidding? I didn't even let him go to his brother's funeral.

What? Oh, my--

You asshole. Was he crushed?

Probably would have been if I had told him about it.

Ugh. But wait, why did Corelli hire ISIS to prevent the assassination?

To show the cardinals he was trying to prevent it...

...all the while assuming-- What? That we'd totally blow--?

My God, he assumed we'd totally blow it.

Well, ISIS has a certain reputation.

Hey. Whoa, not cool, Payne Stewart.

Ugh. My God, if Malory ever hears about this--

Which she won't. Because, Pam... What?

...promise you'll never tell Mother. Okay, I promise.

Swear to God.

What?!

Pam!

Ha!