Original subtitles

- What do you think you're doing? - My job, Lana.

And what part of your job, exactly, is groping my ass?

The part that calls for spy craft. Come on, we're posing as newlyweds--

Yeah, posing. And I'm drunk on nuptial bliss.

You're drunk on champagne. Well, little column A, little column B.

Fine. But when you take my hand off your lately almost overly ample butt--

Odd choice of dying words.

I don't question your commitment to the mission...

...I question your commitment to America.

Instead of feeling me up in the lobby-- Wait till we're in the room. Got it.

--Let's focus on the mission.

Catching the North Koreans who are in New York to buy enriched uranium.

Can't we do both? Can't you shut up?

Can't you put a price tag on freedom?

I mean, you can't put a price tag on freedom.

Always never forget that.

Here's your key for the honeymoon suite. Congratties.

If I could just get a credit card for the room and any incidentals then we'll be--

Broke. Jesus, the room's that much? ls there a problem?

Not if we're buying it as a condo.

I may have something a bit more in your price range. Basement okay?

No, it's not, because as love-besotted newlyweds...

...we would like the honeymoon suite. And our price range is...

...rangeless.

- Ah, Archer! - Shh.

A few minutes more, darling, and you can have your way with me.

Ugh. I wish. I know. Soon.

Alrighty and we are just all set. Enjoy your stay.

Enjoy your stay...? Oh, right. Sorry.

No, no, no. No, no, no. Enjoy your stay, Mr. and Mrs. Archer.

Ugh, it's like my heart's being gripped by the icy fingers...

...of some terrifying ghost of honeymoon future.

Heh, heh. Lana?

Lana.

Lana.

If you don't answer, I'm gonna scream as loud as I possibly--

What? I'm sorry.

I meant, Mrs. Archer.

I heard you.

I apologize, madame, but-- For what, Dunkirk?

Or that effeminate yet somehow condescending tone?

Damn, I'm sure my card was in here. Malory, please, allow me.

No, no, no, I'm-- Embarrassing yourself, dear.

Thank you, Trudy.

Man, this must be killing you.

What, the salmonella dripping all over my desk?

It's lamb, ding dong, not salmon.

I'm talking about Mr. Archer and Lana in a deluxe honeymoon suite.

Oh, for-- Pam, they're on a mission. Ary position.

By now, since I bet they already did all the good ones.

Pam, they are on--

Want some?

Psych.

Okay, first of all, just shut up.

Second, I trust Lana completely, especially with regard to Archer.

She'd rather have sex with you.

Why? What'd she say?

And third, Lana's pretty satisfied in the old romance department.

And the old accounting department. What's that?

- Give it to me. Unh! - I will.

I'm like a calculator. Add it up. Add it up.

What's that? Good thing you work at a spy agency...

...Miss Spy-On-People. What? I only watched for a second.

You need medication, Pam. Pills, big pills, like they use at the zoo.

But we have to go now. The vet comes back from lunch in 20 minutes.

What are you-- Let's go, bitches! Tiger tranqs!

We are not breaking into the zoo to steal tiger tranquilizers.

Cyril, duh, they have all kinds.

And I have to direct-deposit the annual bonuses.

If you two could go be crazy and horrible elsewhere?

Like the Tuntmore Towers Hotel, where Lana's shacked up with Mr. Archer?

Wait. What? Yeah.

We can see if he's into all that freaky gender-reversal stuff.

That-- Wait. What? Cyril, I watched for more than a second.

L... Oh, you are...

Yeah. Let's go down there. I own that dump.

We can get a suite and totally spy on Mr. Archer and--

Lana. Okay, I'm going with you.

Yeah, whatever. But on the way we're-- Not swinging by the zoo.

Lame.

Ugh. What's lame, Archer?

The fact we're up against at least four highly trained North Korean agents?

Or the fact that they've all got-- Peppercorns, Lana.

Well, I was gonna say Tokarevs and Shpagin-41 submachine guns...

...but, yeah, let's go with peppercorns. Thank you.

Because without peppercorns, it's not steak au poivre.

It can't be. By, like, definition. Archer.

We're supposed to stop the North Koreans from buying part of a nuclear bomb...

...not ordering every single item on the room service menu.

Just the dinner menu.

Pounding two $300 bottles of Glengoolie fricking Blue?

Two? Thought I ordered three.

Then passing out on the bed, totally naked, for a...

Ah, wow, what'd you call it? Power blackout. And you're welcome.

Thanks. The memory of your bare ass will bring me comfort and warmth...

...during the coming nuclear winter. Ugh.

Relax, it's North Korea.

The nation-state equivalent of the short bus.

Nice. What's nice is this hot tub.

Which, get in, before you blow our cover, any more than you already have...

...by not performing your wifely duties.

Excuse me?

You said my card was used at the Tuntmore Towers Hotel?

This morning? Hm?

Oh, yes, I remember now.

Yes, yes. It's all fine.

Mm-hm. Okay, bye-bye. Bye, bye.

I am literally going to kill him.

Well, figuratively. Literally!

I'll lure him to my condo in Miami, drug his steak au poivre...

...drive him out to the Everglades, slather him with chicken fat...

...and then toss him to the gators.

That's pretty specific for a hypothetical.

Oh, he is going to pay for this. Literally.

Cyril? Cyril? Oh!

Fine. Then I'll do it.

Are they doing it? Are they banging?

No, Pam, they are not banging.

Well, these ribs sure as hell are. Oh, my God, right?

We should take some to the tigers.

And miss these two doing it? Oh, my God, right?

Will you hags stop it? There's nothing going on over there.

She's screaming at him to get it up.

She's not.

That's what she was screaming at you.

Okay, so I watched the whole thing.

Oh, God. Were you raised in a barn?

No.

I just slept out there a lot.

So you got an ETA on when you might possibly be ready to help?

It's hard to say, really. I mean, Chi's taking her sweet time here.

Not criticizing, Chi. Thorough is good.

Look, just give me 10, 20 minutes and--

Archer, I don't know how long the Koreans will be out of their room.

So while you ladies discuss the pros and cons of a clear coat--

You say that like there are cons.

I'll go be thorough at my job and plant the Geiger counter...

...so we know if and when the uranium shows up.

Do you even know if that thing works?

Well, Pigley 3, that would certainly explain the glowing.

And probably a few other things.

Why do you let him push your buttons?

Why not push his buttons? Hm.

Because he has no buttons. He's buttonless.

The only way to make him as crazy as he makes you, is to...

Seriously?

Who are you, Van Cliburn? Knock off the tickling and work that shit.

Yeah, right? A baby could--

Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Tunt. Did that hurt?

Yes. Cyril, they banging yet?

What? No. Actually, Archer's alone.

Lana's either in the bathroom or-- Oh, my God!

What the hell is this bullshit?

What? You say you want clear coat.

Yeah, why not?

It's not like it hasn't crossed your mind. And you're not getting any younger.

Lana! Jesus, what? Is it the Koreans?

Only if they're who screwed me out of my bonus.

Which would be weird. Your bonus?

If you could even call it that. What's yours? Is it shitty?

Go online and check your bank account.

Now, when I'm suction-cupped on a window, 30 stories above the ground.

Yeah! You should have five bars.

Okay. So it's gonna sound like I'm hanging up but...

Lana? Lana! Holy shit, I think she's gone rogue.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't pack up. My toes aren't gonna do themselves.

And even if you're not necessarily doing it for the right reasons...

- ...he is... - Hey! Hey!

Ugh. The phone. Give me.

Did you seriously climb all the way up here just to see what my bonus is?

No, I sarcastically climbed all the way up here to see what your bonus is.

He said, sarcastically. Phone.

Okay. Jesus, keep your voice-- Whoa.

Sucks, right? I mean, that's not even remotely fair.

What the shit?

We're in a crazy parallel universe where bonuses are based on merit...

...instead of whether or not you crawled out of your mother!

Lana! Archer!

I'm coming! Phrasing, boom!

Lana!

Oh, my God. Archer, that was--

A $90 manicure, I know.

And I couldn't care less, but Chi?

Lana, she really worked hard on it.

Oh, man, they gotta bump uglies now.

They-- Wait. What?

Cyril, a near-death experience is, like, the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Penultimate.

The ultimate's doing it on top of a tranqed-up tiger.

So listen... No, you listen and then shut up.

You shut up. I was on the verge of-- Dying?

Making a-- Stain on the sidewalk?

Decision. So--

So since we're keeping score for bonus purposes, Lana.

In addition to saving you a gazillion times...

Your fault to begin with.

...since I started working at ISIS...

...I've been shot, stabbed, set on fire, poisoned, shot, sexually assaulted...

...partially chewed, shot, and declared legally dead.

Twice on the same day.

You said "shot" like three times. That's just by you.

Total, it's more like, holy shit, 19.

And now you get your bonus and mine?

Archer, I didn't-- Do anything to deserve it. Exactly.

And again, excuse me? There is no excuse for you.

Alright)'- Think I made my decision.

And it is final.

Because I borrowed your credit card?

You didn't borrow it, you stole it.

Little column A, little column B. Be advised...

...that until I say otherwise, Mr. Sticky-Fingers...

Seriously, does this never dry?

...Lana is now agent in command.

Wait, ha, ha. What? Uh, yeah. Hang on, you're breaking up.

So my first command, as agent in command...

...she said commandingly, is--

"Get in my big old vagina.

I'm Lana." Okay, you know what?

I am out of here. Oh, my God.

Okay. You're abandoning the mission to go home and pout?

I'm not going home. I'm going down there to kick some Kim Jong ass.

What? No. We're doing surveillance.

Yeah, which is apparently French for just sitting around on your ass.

Yeah, which is why it's surprising that you're so shitty at it.

What? No, no, no. Archer, don't.

Suck so hard! Aah!

Okay, come on, we're out of here. What are you, nuts?

Oh, my God. There's nuts in this? Ugh.

You're allergic to penicillin. Oh, right. And...

There's no penicillin in this. Good, because I'm allergic.

Because why the hell would there be penicillin in chocolate mousse?

Ugh. God, gross. There's moose in this? Not that kind of moose.

Elk then. Whatever. Ugh!

Look, you two stay if you want. I'm leaving.

There's no point spying on Lana. I trust her completely.

And also because they're not even in there anymore'?

Little column A, little column B.

You are not jeopardizing this mission.

No, yeah, that's exactly what I'm doing. Because your ego needs its own zip code?

I meant, I won't allow you. Allow me?

Uh, I mean, uh, please, allow me.

ISIS-- Unh.

Hi-yah!

Oh, man. Wow, that's gotta hurt, huh?

Archer... No, I mean, obviously it hurts...

...getting Tom Dempsey'd in the tits. Ooh. Archer...

I meant, watching me save your ass for the gazillionth time.

Archer.

She's in command.

Oh, okay, so I guess you think this is my fault.

You guess? Well, I'm not a mind reader, Lana.

Silence!

We deal with you soon enough.

And by deal with, obviously, he means... Shoot.

Ugh. I mean, I assume.

And negativity is infectious, by the way.

You're the agent in command, Lana. You should focus on keeping my morale--

Hi. Excuse me.

Could you go ahead and shoot one or both of us now?

Uh, also a good leader is never sarcastic.

Oh, we don't shoot you. After mission finish...

...we take you back to glorious Democratic People's Republic of Korea.

Oh. Then do go ahead and shoot us. Archer.

What, Lana? It's none of those things.

It's not democratic, not a republic, and definitely not glorious.

Jesus, watch Frontline once in your life.

This ISIS camera, yes? Uh...

Yes. And as all North Koreans know, cameras steal your soul, so--

Ha! It is your Indians who think that.

Wow! Okay, so since we're being racist--

Cyril, don't leave. It's on.

What do you--? On as in how on?

On as in "on" on.

On as in hot Asian group sex on.

Thricely redundant. Give me those.

Oh, my God. We've got to do something.

It's rosemary-mint.

Why? Why did you say that?

To lure them closer. Well, it worked.

Yeah, they really hate the Japanese. You better have a plan.

Me? Lana, you're the agent in command. Archer?

What? I just don't wanna step on your toes!

Nailed it. Boom!

How did--? You have any idea how many times...

...I've had to get out of handcuffs? Aah!

Lana!

Whoo. Wow. Thank God you've been arrested so many times.

Arrested? I-- Look, whatever.

Thanks. That was actually pretty impressive.

Not really. I thought this was the door to the hallway.

So...?

So do you think there's 30 stories' worth of towels in here?

Come on, Figgis. Come on, Figgis. Come on, Figgis.

Lana's in trouble. You just gotta man up and--

Ooh.

Aw, man, am I missing all the hot Asian group action?

No. Nobody's doing anything.

Well, Lana's destroying the toilet.

Join the club. Unh.

Ugh. That's what you get for eating elk.

- Unh. - Uh, couple things.

One, we've got about 30 seconds before the door is matchsticks.

Two, you're never gonna break that win--

What was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of your wrongness.

It's okay, I'll skip ahead to three, which is, now what, idiot?

Because I left my jetpack in my other pants.

We can signal to somebody or-- Like who, a blimp captain?

No. Like...

Holy shit, is that Cheryl? What the hell is she doing?

Suppressing fire extinguisher!

Is that--? Cyril?

Lana! I'm coming, Cyril.

Lana, wait!

Bet that's the first time you ever said that.

Right? Huh?

Okay, now we can go. You know... Go! Unh!

What the--?

Cyril? Smoke fight! Whoo!

- Ugh! No way, that is so unfair. - What, are they banging?

They will be. Raves make everybody horny.

And that is for ruining my fake honeymoon.

Archer, wait, it's me. I know.

And this is for the Pueblo. Unh! Aah!

- Unh! Cyril, hit the deck. - Wait. Why just--?

Get some, you sons of bitches.

Get some!

Aw, man, I totally missed it. Oh, my God, the toilet?

No. Jesus.

Although it is clogged.

Wow, heh, Lana, that was... Right? Totally passive-aggressive.

No, that was active-aggressive.

Because you ruined the mission. Yeah, you jerk.

And why the hell are you here? Um...

Police scanner? Cyril.

Well, you know, I mean, you two, all alone in the honeymoon suite.

Oh, my God. Ha-ha-ha.

Well, you can forget about the huge decision I made...

...that you know nothing about because I just unmade it.

What was that all about?

Heh, heh. Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

Do you? No.

Malory, you cannot be serious.

I know. I'm sorry, it's because I use humor as a coping mechanism.

I meant-- And so while I think it's hilarious...

...that your bonuses will now be used to pay this ridiculous hotel bill...

Which somebody could make go away with a snap of her bony fingers!

I told you, I have to answer to my board of directors.

Heh, I don't at all. Ha, ha.

Do you even know what that is? I don't at all.

I just can't seem to find the humor in...

...what should have been a simple mission turning into a total farce.

It wasn't-- Lana, it was by definition a farce.

Capped off by the fact that no one thought to catch...

...the madman selling the uranium.

Lana was in command. Yes, was.

Lucky for the madman.

Whoever he was.

Oh, man.

Well, there goes my master plan.

Oh. Yeah. Get in there, eat them up.

God knows you earned it.