Original subtitles

Oh, for the-- We're already late. What'd you go and start that for'?

I didn't.

So it just spontaneously combusted?

So creepy. Look, I've got goose bumps.

- I'm sure you do. - What is--? ls something burning?

- No. Maybe you're having a stroke. - I'm not having a stroke.

That's great, Mother, keep those periodic updates coming.

Oh, shut up. Hey, Friday happy hour, you guys in?

Give me that. No, no, no, that's not...

Whoo! Ha, ha, ha.

- ...water. - Well, what the hell was it?

- Grappa. - Tsk. Aw.

No shit, that was like 20 bucks' worth. Who drinks a pint of grappa?

Well, nobody now, Wendy Wasteful. So you can buy my first couple of rounds.

No, I can't. We-- No, you can. I'm allowing you.

Oh, my God, thank you. You're welcome.

But we've got dates. Meaning the fruit of the date palm?

Ha, ha, ha. “Date" dates, ding-dong. With who'?

Oh, just some handsome firemen I met at a warehouse fire.

So come on, let's go already.

My cooch has cobwebs on it.

Krieger, hey. You wanna get a drink? Ooh.

No. It's "rnushi" night. Movie and sushi.

With...?

Oh, meaning that's tentacle porn.

Fisherman's Wife and The Re-Tentacling.

Mother, hey. You wanna go get a drink? You know, as a matter of fact, I do.

Oh, okay. And as another matter of fact, I am.

With Ron, in the bar at the Tuntmore.

And if he plays his cards right, he'll be wetting a lot more than his--

Ow! What is wrong with you? Well, for one thing, tinnitus...

...which-- Yeah, I think it's getting worse.

How do these people all have dates? These aren't people you date.

I'm who should have a date. I'm the best at dates.

- Hm. I wonder if Lana has a date. - Yes.

- Lana? - Yes.

- You heard that? - Yes.

- Who are you, Jaime Sommers? - Yes.

No, seriously, I can barely hear me. Are my ears really that messed up?

Yes. Yes!

Yes, yes! Okay, Jesus, I'm not deaf.

I'm just-- Yes!

Going to vomit.

I'm going to vomit.

Not on my carpet, you're not. I--

Oh, for God's sake, get a room.

We did.

Shut up, because first of all...

...I don't have to explain myself to you, of all people. And--

And if you blow that thing again, the next time you hear it...

...it'll be when some whore is giving you a blow job.

Hm. Doesn't even make sense.

Ha, ha. I think she means she'll shove it up your--

Dick hole, and where'd you get that?

Rape-prevention class...

...which, turns out, is a not-good place to meet women.

- No shit. - Yeah.

It's like their guard is so up, it's-- Cyril, Scotch, where?

If you mean my grandfather's Glengoolie Blue,

you drank it and then puked into my trash can.

Oh, my God. Lana I get, she wants to make me jealous...

...but are you seriously just getting me back for the Scotch?

Do you even hear yourself?

It honestly kind of comes and goes.

Well, since, thanks to you, I didn't do the former, now we're doing the latter.

Cyril, go start the car. Are you not going to--?

Cyril, remember the ground rules for this? So carefully negotiated?

I will go start the car.

And before you say it--

Ha. How long has it been since you got laid, Lana?

That's not Why I'm dating Cyril again.

Uh-huh. So two-J? No. Not two years, ass.

Fourteen months. So go ahead, laugh.

At what? I was gonna say two weeks. Two years is--

Lana, that is the third saddest thing I've heard today.

Pam told me about a little girl who drowned trying to save a puppy.

Jesus. What was the second saddest?

The puppy drowned too.

But it's a close third.

I mean, don't do this, Lana. Come on, I'd be happy to bang you.

Me and anybody who could fog a mirror.

Well, before, maybe, but I really think I've changed, you know...

Handler matured. Ha'.!

No, I'm serious. With the cancer, and my possible father dying and, uh-- Um--

Oh, my God. The tinnitus.

Archer-- Hang on, should we get that?

Get what? Wait, is the phone not-f?

Damn you, tinnitus, you're a cruel mistress.

But seriously, do you not hear that? Yes, now.

It's your phone. Oh. Duh.

Wait, please. Lana, come on. You can't deny we're attracted to each other.

So? So, what if all that stuff...

...really has matured me?

I know I'm not perfect, but you have to admit I'm better.

Than...'? Than I Was.

And also than Cyril could ever be.

First of all, Cyril--

Cheated on you as much as I did, Lana, and I'm 10 times handsomer than him, so--

They're the same. Lana, be honest with yourself.

It was actually about 10 times worse.

What happened to your idiot voice mail?

Oh. I'm doing this new thing where now it just rings.

Drives people crazy.

Oh, my God, you have matured. Lana, I have. Just let me prove it.

If, in some crazy parallel universe, I agreed to that...

...how would you?

By-- Jesus, hang on.

Woodhouse might be trapped in the dumbwaiter again.

He was in there two days last time.

Your apartment is one level. How do you have a dumbwaiter?

Goes sideways.

Hello?

Speaking.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay, bye.

Yes!

Okay, Lana, check you later.

What? What about all that just now? All what just now?

About how you've matured and you wanna get back together.

That's what you heard? Wow, your ears are even worse than mine.

Wait, was that even Woodhouse? Nope.

Then who was it?

Yes, my dear Sterling, come for me.

Phrasing, boom.

Hey, asshole!

Thanks.

And, oh, my name is Cyril Figgis.

Hey, how's it going?

Thank you. They're beautiful.

Sorry about the chocolate, I didn't know you were allergic or Whatever.

The alkaloids.

They can make a problem with my bioelectronics.

Oh, right. Because you have those.

And I'm sorry if you misunderstood. I did not call you for the romance.

L-- Yeah. I mean, yeah. No duh.

Besides I wouldn't be interest-- I have a girlfriend, so...

Oh? Yeah, an actress, of stage and screen.

Oh. Well, I hope she makes you happy.

Is funny, you don't ask where is Barry.

Heh, heh. What do you mean, "Where is Barry?" He's--

Yeah, where is Barry?

I don't know.

And only one week after-- Well, you know, when I left you for him...

...he said he must go for work to London.

Wow, that was months ago.

And since then, it's nothing.

Not a word.

What could have happened to him? Uh...

No!

He is on space station? But why?

Well, you know, I hate to say this, but obviously he met someone else.

Heh. Sterling, please.

Yeah, that was the third dumbest thing I've ever said.

Wait, what were the first two?

Buddy, you just sold a time-share.

Make that two time-shares.

Goddamn maintenance fees. Sterling, will you please help me find him?

How? That office Was, like, just a trailer.

Barry. Oh.

Barry, right. Um... Please, Sterling...

...if you ever truly loved me, you will help Barry to come home to me.

Okay.

Okay, let me get this straight.

You wanna help psycho cyborg super-villain Barry...

...who's trapped in space like General fricking Zod...

...get back to Earth so she'll dump him for you?

Right? When Barry gets back, she'll realize what a dick he is...

...so she'll need somebody to talk to, so

enter Sterling Archer, the sensitive friend.

What is this, Opposite World?

Yeah, right?

Oh, for-- This is not Opposite World.

I think in her mind that means--

God, okay. This is Opposite World.

Okay, and since certain people around here may not see how brilliant my plan is...

...they're gonna need to be-- Convinced?

I'm sorry, did you say "incapacitated"?

Because, Krieger, I can't have the-- Responsible people?

--"Naysayers" walk in on you while you're helping Barry build a rocket.

Barry the unstoppable psycho cyborg.

He's not unstoppable anymore. Ray's got bionic legs.

But if you don't wanna see two robots

smashing each other with cop cars and shit...

...as they fight to the death through the streets of Manhattan--

Bap-bap-bap. Stop.

My penis can only get so erect.

Hm.

- I was tired. - Ew.

Cyril?

- What? Oh! - Heh, heh, heh.

L-Hey-

Ray?

What? Unh!

Seriously, how is that even a genre?

And is this just jackoff central?

- Ugh! Not with all this damn racket. What--?

- Why aren't you in position? - I am, this is how I do it.

Ew. I meant with Mother.

Oh. I put Cheryl on that.

Great, Miss Opposite World.

You heard me, do not go in there.

Why? What are you hiding this time?

Probably another one of her so-called mystery fires.

Lana, I said no.

Okay, so where's the-J?

Fire. Ugh.

Worst day ever!

Okay, status report. Mother in there?

- No. - Carol, open this damn door.

Okay, now I just need to find--

Cheryl. And neither is Lana.

Nice. Hey, excellent job, seriously.

- Ow! I mean, totally shit job? - Cheryl.

Thank you. So when I said this is Opposite World--

Pam, the important thing is that I'm happy. Try not to overthink it.

I wanna help you finish your new spaceship. Why is that weird?

"Why is that weird?" Because my sworn purpose in life...

...is to murder your little buddy Archer? Archer? No way, man. I hate that guy.

Since when?

Since, um, he slept with my girlfriend.

Keep it UP-

God, that is just classic Archer. Right?

I mean, not a huge surprise from a self-centered alcoholic...

...who's compelled to sleep with every woman he meets...

...because that's the only way to fill the

emptiness where his mother's love should-- Ow!

Do What?

One sec?

What the shit? What? You said be convincing.

Convincing, not deliberately hurtful. Well?

Yo, asshole. What are we doing here?

Fixing that spaceship, buddy.

Looks like it's just about done, huh?

Yeah, those scientists were pretty resourceful...

...till they all died.

And how did they, uh, all die?

Ah, heh, different ways. Okay.

Swift and severe. The punishment will be swift and severe.

I mean it, Lana, that girl is out of here.

And right when she was gonna invest $10 million in ISIS.

She said that? Oh, my God, that phony prospectus must have worked.

Do you think the money's in here? Come on, help me look in these boxes.

Malory. What?!

Oh. Damn it.

So, yeah. Krieger's helping Barry finish his rocket ship.

And when he gets home, he can tell you about the other woman.

What? Wait, how'd we get to another woman?

Oh, my God. Do you have proof of this'?

No, I can probably get some.

Sterling.

If Barry really is cheating on me...

And also if I can prove it somehow.

...then he will be dead to me.

Because I will kill him with my bare hands.

Yeah, or not, since there's no reason for him to come home at all.

What's that? Nothing. What?

Oh, you mean that?

Sorry, that's just a sympathy boner.

- Ah! - Ha, ha, ha! Whoo!

Cyril Figgis strikes again!

Status report. Terrible.

Wh--? Wait, what happ--? Goddamn it.

What? Dude, assimilate.

Are Mother and Lana still in the vault?

No. I-- Ugh!

A situation, by the way, for which I blame you entirely.

How is this my fault? You were the--

Holy shit, there really are nerve-gas canisters up here.

I thought that was a joke.

How is that funny?

ARCHER". Because I said so.

What's this even written on? A bar bill, and just do it.

Forget about actually fixing the rocket.

But what about the robot fight?

And why are you beating on shit?

Because shit is stuck.

Dude, it's not a fricking tractor.

That's what all the space nerds up here kept saying.

Until Other Barry just couldn't stand it anymore.

Krieger.

Forget the robot fight and just read the damn script.

Then upload the audio to the mainframe.

Okay, either Barry. I need you to find a female coax bus connector.

What's a female Whatever look like?

Pam.

Par“!

Pam! What?!

Come on, I need your help on--

Wait, What were you doing in there? Nothing. But don't go in there.

No. Uh-uh.

That's how Mother and Lana wound up locked in the vault.

A situation, by the way, for which-- I heard you!

Come on. You're still into all that stupid AV stuff, right?

Uh... Not really.

Okay, so screw those in.

Wait, all of them? Damn it, man, I said screw.

I am screwing.

Wow, this might actually work.

What's that?

I said, why not use this one? No. Give me that.

Why? What's on here? Nothing. Jesus.

Christ, Ray.

Is it too much to ask? Just once?

To be unconscious in a bathroom without being sexually assaulted by--?

You have a dart in your neck.

So do you. Oh.

Sorry I accused you of-- It's okay.

Come on, let's find our--

- No! - No!

Heh, heh, heh. Yes. Ha, ha, ha. Ow!

Will you focus? That's as good as I can get it, dick-nuts.

Shut up. Okay, then that'll have to do. So make a tape or whatever, and--

So just a quick heads-up. Miss Archer and Lana are still in the vault.

- Then why are you bothering--? - Cheryl!

Pam, you better not be making pornos.

Okay. Tape, woman, tape.

Okay, here. Dick-nuts.

I'm afraid I have some bad news.

Now, the audio's a little rough, you know.

I mean, it's from outer space, but-- Sterling, please, I want to hear it.

Well, Katya, you say that...

Barry? Barry, it's me, Archer.

That's me talking to Barry. Shh.

Classic Archer. That's Barry, talking to--

So listen, Katya asked me to call you.

Shit. She's wondering why you left.

BARRY". Because couldn't stand it anymore.

So you lied to her about being on the space station because-?

BARRY". Archer. I am screwing...

...female scientists up here. All of them.

ARCHER". Oh, I was gonna ask which one, but-- All of them. All of them.

All of- Okay, Barry, --

BARRY". Different ways. Like“ In asshole.

Okay, Barry. Jesus, have some--

Katya, baby, don't. Come on, you'll--

Wait, does that even hurt your hands? The only thing that hurts is my heart.

And when Barry gets back, his heart will hurt because I will rip it out.

What if Barry wasn't coming back?

But you said Krieger was fixing rocket.

Yeah, but only because he wanted to see an epic robot-- Oh, shit.

Will you excuse me for a sec?

No, no, no!

Yeah. I think that's got her, dude.

Told you it was the viscous coupling.

Well, goody, you win space camp.

So tel! Archer I'm coming for him. Phrasing, boom, and both Barrys out.

Krieger!

Why is Barry rocket-shipping away from the fricking space station?

Because Newton's third law of motion.

Hey, thanks, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Ooh. DeGrasse Tyson-sen.

How the hell did you fix his ship? I gave you a bunch of gibberish.

I may have gone a teeny bit off-script'?

Wha--? What is Wrong with you'?

With me? Dude, robot fight.

Oh, and Barry said tell you he's-- I heard him.

Okay, I'll tell Katya to pack a bag and we'll move to Alaska...

...or somewhere else snowy where he can't track us.

Doesn't even make sense.

You know what doesn't make sense?

The number you have dialed has been disconnected...

No! ...or is no longer in service. Goodbye.

Hey Pumpkin pie.

Yeah, don't give me your pie of pumpkin, Barry. You are in the big trouble.

I told you.

I said don't try to kill Sterling, and what do you do?

Uh, that.

Da, but I do what you ask me.

To repair your rocket, I use Sterling, and once again break his heart, so--

Archer'? Ha. Please.

No, you please, he loves me. You should have heard that pathetic tape.

Well, whatever, look-- No, you look.

When you get home, you're going to have some new ground rules.

Ha, ha, ha. Okay, hon. Look, I'm sorry I lied...

...but, uh' I make the rules.

I mean. heh, heh, I am the head of the KGB, so--

Hello? Darling, you're breaking up.

Now, who do I have to screw to get a drink around here?

Nobody, rna'am. Unless you want.

And if you do want, I can be bottom.

No problem there.