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1
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:06,005
Woodhouse. What the hell is this?
2
00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:09,509
I believe it's squash, sir.
I... What are you shoveling it into?
3
00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:12,970
The wee baby Seamus.
Miss Trinette said you'd agreed to it...
4
00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,014
...while she's in Atlantic City.
5
00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:17,308
What?
For the Pimps and Ho's Ball...
6
00:00:17,476 --> 00:00:18,601
...I believe she said.
7
00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:21,020
Didn't seem the sort of place
one takes a baby.
8
00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,439
You're in huge trouble.
Yes, sir.
9
00:00:23,607 --> 00:00:26,359
And now I have to spend
my first Friday off in forever...
10
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:29,362
Yes, sir.
...devising bizarre punishment for you.
11
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,614
Yes, sir.
So don't be surprised...
12
00:00:31,782 --> 00:00:35,284
...if you end up eating a whole bunch
of spider webs. Right? Heh.
13
00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:36,911
Now shut up
and read me the paper.
14
00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:39,372
Very good, sir. Let's see what we have...
Oh, good Lord!
15
00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:42,959
- Oh, for... What the shit, Woodhouse?
- I...
16
00:00:43,127 --> 00:00:44,627
Hey, stop crying.
How do you...?
17
00:00:44,795 --> 00:00:48,131
What do you do? How do you
make him not...? Here. God!
18
00:00:48,298 --> 00:00:50,383
You like that?
It's a Bloody Mary.
19
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:51,676
Or is it a Bloody Caes...
20
00:00:51,844 --> 00:00:53,511
Why are you sitting
at my table?
21
00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:55,722
The paper, sir.
There's an item...
22
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:58,516
Oh, yeah? Did somebody
finally out the queen? Right?
23
00:00:58,684 --> 00:01:01,144
This baby knows what
I'm talking about. Give me that.
24
00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:05,273
"Sir Augustus Stilton,
World War I flying ace, blah, blah, blah...
25
00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:07,775
...dies under mysterious circumstances."
26
00:01:07,943 --> 00:01:09,902
And mystery solved, he was a thousand.
27
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,113
Stilton and I were
squadron-mates.
28
00:01:12,281 --> 00:01:15,074
Oh, sorry, I...
Twenty-Two Squadron, RFC.
29
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:16,617
Most decorated aerodrome...
30
00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:19,328
...of the Great War.
I don't care about the Great War.
31
00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:22,290
But not much left of
the old Double Deuce anymore.
32
00:01:22,458 --> 00:01:23,708
We're all dying off.
33
00:01:23,876 --> 00:01:25,460
Yeah, not a huge surprise.
34
00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:28,171
We're not dying of old age, sir.
35
00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:31,674
Wait a second. "Sir Aldous Wensleydale,
foul play suspected.
36
00:01:31,842 --> 00:01:34,051
Nigel Buxton, mysterious circumstances.
37
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,344
Edwin Glue-sester..."
38
00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:38,014
Gloucester.
Whatever. "Foul play suspected."
39
00:01:38,182 --> 00:01:41,309
And other mysterious circumstances.
Every one of these is like that.
40
00:01:41,477 --> 00:01:43,519
All from the past six months.
What the hell?
41
00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:44,854
Hell indeed, sir.
42
00:01:45,022 --> 00:01:46,397
Because one at a time...
43
00:01:46,565 --> 00:01:49,859
...the remaining survivors
of the old Double Deuce...
44
00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:51,944
...are being murdered.
45
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:54,030
Oh, my God.
46
00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:57,158
Are we out of Bloody Marys?
47
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:35,071
Cannot picture you as a fighter pilot.
48
00:02:35,239 --> 00:02:37,907
Oh, no, sir, not a pilot. A batman.
Uh...
49
00:02:38,075 --> 00:02:40,076
An officer's personal attendant.
Oh.
50
00:02:40,244 --> 00:02:43,996
In charge of keeping his kit in good order,
seeing to his personal needs...
51
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,665
So a servant.
52
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:48,209
Soldier-servant
was the official term, but...
53
00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:50,920
Yeah. Way to advance.
54
00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:55,591
But for the enlisted, being chosen
to bat for an officer was very desirable.
55
00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:59,762
Especially when that officer
was Captain Reginald Thistleton.
56
00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:02,265
- I say, Woodhouse.
- Yes, sir?
57
00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:05,601
The Hun did a fair job of stitching up
the old kite this time, what?
58
00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:09,146
Thank God you're all right, sir.
God and my twin Vickers, Woodhouse.
59
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:13,526
Caught old Jerry in a chandelle,
poor bastard went down like a quail.
60
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:17,113
You scoundrel. Is that brandy?
Thought you'd like a pick-me-up, sir.
61
00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:20,449
Woodhouse,
you're a rose among thorns.
62
00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:22,201
Bagged your share today, Scripes?
63
00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:24,120
Loads, thanks.
64
00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:27,540
See you've already bagged yours.
65
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:30,418
Eww. Creepy.
Yes, Lieutenant Scripes abhorred...
66
00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:33,629
...the way Reggie... Captain Thistleton
carried on with the men.
67
00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:36,966
Yeah, didn't Oscar Wilde
get hard labor for that?
68
00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:40,177
What are you talking about?
69
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,471
The tontine.
Oh.
70
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:46,893
France. Spring, 1917.
71
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:49,562
"Bloody April," they called it.
72
00:03:51,315 --> 00:03:53,065
Black days, they were.
73
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:57,236
We were losing two,
sometimes three pilots a week.
74
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,202
Who was that?
75
00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,163
Foxley, I think.
76
00:04:07,331 --> 00:04:09,999
No one thought we'd live through the war...
77
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,335
...so Reggie came up with the idea.
78
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:13,669
A tontine, lads.
79
00:04:13,837 --> 00:04:15,338
Each man pays in 50 pounds...
80
00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:18,174
...and the last survivor
collects the capital and interest.
81
00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:20,509
Oh, come on, lads, show some stones.
82
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:22,011
I'll show you my stones, sir.
83
00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:24,180
- That's the spirit. Who else?
- Yeah. I'm in.
84
00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:26,599
Come on, Johnny. Bob's your uncle.
85
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,267
So how much are we talking here?
86
00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,770
Oh, nearly 1200 pounds.
87
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:36,359
What? Nobody is getting killed over
however much that is in real money.
88
00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:39,946
No, but are you familiar with
the term "compound interest"?
89
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,739
I'm not an idiot, Woodhouse.
90
00:04:41,907 --> 00:04:43,824
Unlike some people around here.
91
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:46,702
That's silvertip badger, kid.
You know how much this cost?
92
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,039
No, don't. Hey, come on, don't...
93
00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:52,708
Here. God. Baby.
94
00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:54,835
But since I don't have a calculator...
95
00:04:55,003 --> 00:04:59,465
At 10 percent, by now, I'd say,
it's just a bit shy of a million dollars.
96
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:02,385
What? I would totally kill you for that.
97
00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:07,056
Not me, but, you know, somebody would.
So how many of you old geezers are left?
98
00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:09,642
Well, now that's Stilton's been killed...
99
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,852
...it's just me, Scripes, and...
100
00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:14,730
And that will be Stinky.
101
00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:16,565
Wha...? What will?
102
00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:18,734
Cor, you done all right, then.
103
00:05:18,902 --> 00:05:21,612
Oh, no, the flat belongs
to Mr. Archer, who is my...
104
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:25,282
None of my business.
Consenting adults and so on.
105
00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:28,411
Hey, nobody is
consenting to anything.
106
00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:30,413
None of my business.
107
00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:33,082
You're gonna eat
so many spider webs.
108
00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:34,583
That's what he said.
109
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:38,462
Scripes phones me at my niece's house
in Secaucus, New Jersey...
110
00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:39,714
I live with my niece...
111
00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:41,632
...in Secaucus, New Jersey.
Riveting.
112
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:46,095
He says, "Ain't it awful about Stilton?"
And he wants to come pay us a visit.
113
00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:47,763
Good Lord! What did you say?
114
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:51,350
Gave him your address.
Told the bastard we'd be waiting for him.
115
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:54,895
- Waiting for him? My God, he'll...
- Never know what hit him.
116
00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:58,899
We'll turn this fruity flat
into a killing field.
117
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:00,109
- But...
- Seamus, no!
118
00:06:01,445 --> 00:06:06,866
No, no, no. Woodhouse, I can either do...
God, you are such a little brat. Here!
119
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:09,577
I can do baby,
or I can do geezer murder mystery...
120
00:06:09,745 --> 00:06:10,911
...but I can't do both.
121
00:06:11,079 --> 00:06:13,581
Well, Scripes is on his way here, so...
122
00:06:13,749 --> 00:06:18,294
So, sir, perhaps your mother could
look after the wee baby Seamus?
123
00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:20,129
Woodhouse. Yes.
124
00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:21,797
- Nope.
- Yes.
125
00:06:23,175 --> 00:06:24,800
Mother, come on, you...
You're off your nut...
126
00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:27,636
...if you think I'm babysitting
this squalling little...
127
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,597
What the hell is wrong with him?
128
00:06:29,765 --> 00:06:32,433
He might have a tiny hangover.
129
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:34,769
Wha...? You ass,
you gave him liquor?
130
00:06:34,936 --> 00:06:37,813
No, I didn't give it to him, but...
Ass.
131
00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:40,107
See? Look at him, he's crazy for it.
132
00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:42,401
You only give them liquor
if they have croup.
133
00:06:42,569 --> 00:06:44,320
Well, I'm sorry,
Mr. Spock, I...
134
00:06:44,488 --> 00:06:47,990
Or colic. Or the jimmy legs. Or...
Can't you just dump him on Woodhouse?
135
00:06:48,158 --> 00:06:49,992
No, because...
That's what I always did.
136
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:53,496
I'm sure you did, but Woodhouse
is about to be murdered, so...
137
00:06:53,663 --> 00:06:57,083
So are you, if you piddle in here.
138
00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,586
And that goes double
for number two, Mr. Man.
139
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,755
So you just hold it in.
140
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,841
Wow, a ton of stuff
just started to make sense to me.
141
00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:10,054
The secret is negative reinforcement.
142
00:07:10,222 --> 00:07:12,515
Yeah, I'm just getting that.
143
00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:15,434
About time. Ass.
144
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:18,854
Baby, you're pear-shaped.
145
00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:24,151
Oh, what the hell? Hello?
146
00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:26,695
Great, that was my second-favorite...
147
00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:28,864
- ...lamp.
- Reloading.
148
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:31,992
No, you're not. Don't reload. Damn it.
149
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:39,416
Ow.
And my first-favorite lamp, fantastic.
150
00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:43,045
Serves you right, shooting blind
like that. You could've killed me.
151
00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:45,714
Yeah, and I'd be that much
closer to a million bucks.
152
00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:47,675
You know, once, uh...
153
00:07:47,843 --> 00:07:50,719
- What's up with your will these days?
- Oh, my God.
154
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:53,055
Since when is this place
a nursery?
155
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:55,432
Would you knock it off,
Union Carbide?
156
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,393
And lay off the wee baby Seamus.
157
00:07:57,561 --> 00:07:59,395
He's got it tough enough as it is.
158
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:02,064
What's that? That's a bumblebee.
159
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:04,066
You want a pretty bumblebee?
160
00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:06,193
There you go.
161
00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:10,865
Oh, what's the matter? What happened?
162
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:14,785
Did somebody trick you? Hmm?
163
00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:17,413
See? That's how the world works, dear...
164
00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:19,790
...and I'm the only one you can trust.
165
00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:23,377
Wow, a ton of stuff
just started making sense.
166
00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:25,171
No way.
Why not?
167
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:28,257
Mr. Archer said Woodhouse
might make a million bucks off of his.
168
00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,801
Shut up, liar.
Of things impossible.
169
00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:34,930
It's not... Cyril, can you explain
compound interest to her?
170
00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:39,101
Oh, maybe if we had an infinite amount
of time. And she were someone else.
171
00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:43,230
Wait a second, is that...?
You know tontines are illegal, right?
172
00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:45,524
So is all kinds of shit.
173
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:48,611
But look, half the people that
work here are field agents...
174
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:52,281
Who get killed in the line of duty
all the time. And the control room...
175
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:55,951
Is basically just a great big
asbestos lawsuit waiting to happen.
176
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:58,078
Yeah, here's some
more claims forms.
177
00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:00,706
And how long you think
this one's gonna be around?
178
00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:05,753
Yeah. Yeah, count me in.
179
00:09:05,921 --> 00:09:06,962
No.
Yes.
180
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:09,006
No.
We must fortify our position.
181
00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:12,968
We need twin Vickers here by
the bar, a Lewis gun by the sofa...
182
00:09:13,136 --> 00:09:15,137
Mustard gas. Zeppelins. No.
183
00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:18,807
Guy's a hundred, he'll
break both his hips pushing the doorbell.
184
00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:22,728
I don't know, sir. Scripes was
the toughest man in the squadron.
185
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,104
Just the squadron...
186
00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:26,565
...or the entire pansy division? Ow!
187
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:29,068
- By God, you will show some respect.
- Ow.
188
00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:33,822
Do as you like with me, but I won't have
a swishy party-boy backchat a war hero.
189
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,366
War hero?
Oh, let's not...
190
00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:36,659
Woodhouse?
Damn right.
191
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:37,868
- Drag that up.
192
00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:41,372
And if you won't tell him,
Woodhouse, I bloody well shall.
193
00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:45,668
Alas, poor Reggie.
194
00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:49,004
He was on his way back
from a routine patrol...
195
00:09:49,172 --> 00:09:50,798
...on a Tuesday afternoon.
196
00:09:50,966 --> 00:09:54,677
I'd written him a letter, you see,
so I was waiting out on the field.
197
00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:59,306
And he was looking at me...
My God, I can still see him smile.
198
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:03,310
- When that Hun bastard dove in
from behind.
199
00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:06,480
And then the sky just shattered.
200
00:10:14,990 --> 00:10:18,701
God knows how,
but he kept the old kite from rolling over...
201
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:21,870
...and crash-landed
out in No Man's Land.
202
00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:26,166
- And? Then what?
- Hmm?
203
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:29,461
Oh. Well, Reggie survived
the crash somehow.
204
00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:32,006
I survived the crash somehow.
205
00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:34,091
So we could've sent a rescue party.
206
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:38,762
But with Reggie hors de combat,
Scripes had become acting commander.
207
00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:41,473
And there shan't be
any rescue party.
208
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,560
Captain Thistleton knew the risk
of what he was doing...
209
00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:49,440
...and now it seems his chickens
have come home to roost. Bawk, bawk.
210
00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:53,777
A response I found unsatisfactory.
211
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:59,116
I could hear Reggie out there
past the wire, screaming like a lamb.
212
00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:03,495
I'm coming for you, sir.
213
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:09,084
And there I found him, in the words
of Henley, "bloodied but unbowed."
214
00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:11,462
Woodhouse, you came for me.
215
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:14,340
Of course I did, sir. I'm a...
Fag?
216
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,425
Sir?
Have you got one?
217
00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:18,844
Dying for a smoke.
Yes, of course. Here we are.
218
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:22,264
Cheers.
Now, let me just light that for you.
219
00:11:24,476 --> 00:11:25,893
Ooh. Sorry, sir.
220
00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:29,563
Just give that another go.
Good man.
221
00:11:31,232 --> 00:11:33,442
Damn.
Good God, man, are you hourly?
222
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:36,278
Sorry, sir. Here we go.
223
00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:38,655
Woodhouse there's...
God, that's bright.
224
00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:41,450
There's something I've been
wanting to tell... You scoundrel.
225
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,494
Is that brandy?
Oh, no, sir. Just water.
226
00:11:43,661 --> 00:11:46,497
Water? Never touch the stuff.
Fish **** in it.
227
00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:50,959
But seriously, I've wanted to tell you this
for ages, but I never quite knew how.
228
00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:54,254
I'm listening, sir.
Woodhouse...
229
00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:59,635
Fish **** in it.
230
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:03,305
After that, it's all a bit fuzzy.
231
00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:18,654
Reggie!
232
00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:24,326
Then what?
Then they gave me the VC and my papers.
233
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:26,328
Ahem. Medical discharge.
234
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:27,830
Because of the scalps.
For...
235
00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,498
The what?
German scalps.
236
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,500
What?
He must have had 50 of them.
237
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:33,419
That's a lot of scalps.
Could've made a blanket.
238
00:12:34,796 --> 00:12:37,589
And then I just
sort of drifted about.
239
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:43,637
Spent God knows how many years
in the orient, on a merchant schooner.
240
00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:46,682
Reggie!
241
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:49,518
Then I sort of washed up in Tangiers...
242
00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:52,354
...where I won a bar in a dice game.
243
00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:55,524
Oh, which is how I met your mother.
244
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:57,818
Don't shoot!
245
00:12:57,986 --> 00:13:01,864
Please, I just killed a man
and I think my water just broke.
246
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:05,117
So I could really, really use a drink.
247
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,995
Gave birth to you right there
on that greasy bar.
248
00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:10,831
I cut the cord, and I've been
with your family ever since.
249
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:12,207
The... You...
250
00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:15,002
- You saw Mother's vagina?
- Hmm?
251
00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:16,795
Oh, my God. Oh!
252
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,589
Oh, God!
253
00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:21,049
Oh, I can't breathe.
254
00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:24,386
Ha. What an ass.
Right?
255
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:28,640
Mother? Mother?
256
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,643
- Where are you?
- Oh, for... In here, you half-wit!
257
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:36,315
I had just gotten him to sleep.
Don't you know anything about babies?
258
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:39,943
I know you're not supposed to have
them on a greasy bar. In Tangiers.
259
00:13:40,111 --> 00:13:41,153
Oh, my God.
260
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:44,740
And I know you're not supposed
to let Woodhouse see your lady parts.
261
00:13:44,908 --> 00:13:46,825
That's why you're so upset?
262
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:49,119
Yes. Eww.
Mother, he touches my food.
263
00:13:49,287 --> 00:13:52,915
Sterling, he also...
Give me that.
264
00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:56,001
He also saved my life.
And yours.
265
00:13:56,169 --> 00:14:00,255
Between my narrow hips, your fat head,
and a city full of enemy spies...
266
00:14:00,423 --> 00:14:02,424
...we both nearly died that night.
267
00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:05,135
They'll come.
We should get you somewhere safe.
268
00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:07,012
Oh, a few minutes more.
269
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,639
I just wanna look at him.
270
00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:10,933
Isn't he perfect?
Aye. That he is.
271
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:12,601
Here, Miss, for the baby.
272
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,937
Oh, it's beautiful.
273
00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:17,940
Clapped-out Arab whore traded
it for a pint. Said it was sterling.
274
00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:20,651
Sterling.
That's what I'll name him.
275
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:25,697
Oh, that's a fine name.
And could his middle name be Reginald?
276
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,868
No. A little too gay, but...
277
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,463
But how would you like a job?
278
00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:45,467
I think I would like it
very much indeed, ma'am.
279
00:14:45,969 --> 00:14:48,136
- Oh, my God.
- And if that weren't enough...
280
00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:52,641
...that very night, he traded his bar
for a boat and sailed us to Lisbon.
281
00:14:52,809 --> 00:14:55,811
Got me to an OSS safe house,
sold the boat...
282
00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:58,605
...used the money to get you
both home to the States...
283
00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:01,942
...then raised you by himself
for five years.
284
00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:03,151
Wha...? What?
285
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:04,444
You heard me, young man.
286
00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:07,281
Your mum's got home from the war.
Give her a proper hello.
287
00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:11,618
No. I don't have a mother.
And if I did, I'd hate her.
288
00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:15,080
Wow, he did all that? For...
289
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:18,000
You. And you've treated him
like a dog ever since.
290
00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:20,335
But you won't have him
to kick around forever...
291
00:15:20,503 --> 00:15:22,087
Oh, shit. Woodhouse.
292
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,923
Oh, my God, he's gonna be murdered.
I gotta go save him.
293
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:29,177
Uh-uh-uh. Here.
You want me to take a baby. To a murder.
294
00:15:29,345 --> 00:15:31,013
Or wherever,
just out of here.
295
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,515
I have no more love
to give today.
296
00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:36,101
Yeah, what is it, like, 2:30?
297
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,770
Wait, why did you have
an eye patch?
298
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:40,522
Oh, who remembers?
299
00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:44,067
Three-large 50, three large
a Benjamin, three-large...
300
00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:47,487
Idiots doing idiot things
because they're idiots.
301
00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:51,491
Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, we're the idiots. Says
the genius who got a hooker pregnant.
302
00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:53,201
What?
Nothing.
303
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:55,370
Cyril, what?
Noth... Oh!
304
00:15:57,373 --> 00:15:58,915
Cyril? You dead?
305
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,586
Damn.
Should I put him out of his misery?
306
00:16:02,754 --> 00:16:05,631
No. Do you, though.
Yes.
307
00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:09,885
No. Wait, then I don't
get the money, idiot.
308
00:16:10,928 --> 00:16:13,305
You'll never take us alive, Scripes.
309
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:16,892
What do you mean, take you alive,
Woodhouse? I only came here...
310
00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:18,894
What the bloody hell?
311
00:16:22,523 --> 00:16:23,649
Ow.
312
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,068
I say, I'm dreadfully sorry about that,
old boy.
313
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:28,362
Bloody should be.
Almost killed me.
314
00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:30,489
Which again,
from the bottom of my heart...
315
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,991
...is the last thing on earth
I'd ever want to do.
316
00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:35,827
I'd forgotten all
about that rubbish tontine.
317
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,954
But all the mysterious deaths...
318
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:40,332
Well, I daresay,
there's not much mystery.
319
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,584
They're just desperate
to sell newspapers.
320
00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:45,587
Gloucester fell off the roof
mucking about with the aerial.
321
00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:48,799
Wens and Bux died in their sleep
at the pensioners' home.
322
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:52,052
And as for Stilton,
there's no nice way to put it.
323
00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:55,597
Auto-erotic asphyxiation.
You're joking.
324
00:16:55,765 --> 00:16:58,892
No, Stilton was always quite
keen on that. Remember?
325
00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:02,562
Always looking for something sturdy
to loop his Sam Browne over?
326
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:05,941
I do seem to recall an awful lot
of loose doorknobs.
327
00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:07,776
Plus, what he named
his plane.
328
00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:10,946
I always thought that had
something to do with the engine.
329
00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:14,741
Well, here's to you, "Choke and Stroke."
330
00:17:14,909 --> 00:17:16,451
To "Choke and Stroke."
331
00:17:16,619 --> 00:17:18,954
And here's to
the old Double Deuce.
332
00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:25,335
God knows we had our differences,
but I'm just so glad to see you both.
333
00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:29,381
But if you didn't come to kill us,
why bring that whacking great Webley?
334
00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:32,467
It's Reggie's.
I stole it from his effects.
335
00:17:32,635 --> 00:17:34,177
I looked everywhere for that.
336
00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:39,015
That's right. Damned wretched of me,
I know, but I just wanted a memento.
337
00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:41,768
But Reggie would've wanted
you to have it, old boy.
338
00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:44,813
I say, that's damned
decent of you.
339
00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:46,273
Cheers.
340
00:17:46,441 --> 00:17:47,983
Took good care of her too.
341
00:17:48,151 --> 00:17:51,194
See, look. No rust.
Even the barrel's clean.
342
00:17:51,362 --> 00:17:52,988
No!
343
00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:55,907
Woodhouse!
344
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:58,577
Oh, my God!
345
00:17:59,162 --> 00:18:02,289
The baby!
346
00:18:02,457 --> 00:18:05,083
No!
347
00:18:05,251 --> 00:18:07,419
I'm coming, Reggie!
348
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:13,091
Whoo! Ha-ha!
What a move. Did you see that?
349
00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:17,095
That was like Steve McQueen
and John Woo had a baby...
350
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:21,433
...and that baby was you, baby.
Yeah, pretty hot, huh?
351
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,435
Oh, my God. You... You...
352
00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:25,061
No, don't thank me, thank the baby.
353
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,354
You ass.
What?
354
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:29,775
Unbelievably gigantic ass.
355
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,860
Hey.
Scripes wasn't here to kill us.
356
00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:35,530
He came to mourn
our comrades-in-arms.
357
00:18:36,199 --> 00:18:37,240
Oh.
"Oh."
358
00:18:37,408 --> 00:18:39,618
That's all you have to say,
you great flapping twit?
359
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:42,370
Hey, seriously, you...
Corporal Bishop, the Webley.
360
00:18:42,538 --> 00:18:44,498
The what? What's a Web...?
361
00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:46,416
Thank you,
Corporal Bishop.
362
00:18:46,584 --> 00:18:49,711
The pleasure was all mine,
Lance Corporal Woodhouse.
363
00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:52,005
Shame he'll send you packing
when he comes to.
364
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:54,382
Oh, I'll just yank his pants off...
365
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:57,052
...splash scotch
and women's underthings about...
366
00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:58,845
...tell him he slipped and fell...
367
00:18:59,013 --> 00:19:03,391
...chasing a terrified Asian
prostitute out onto the patio.
368
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:07,479
It's not the first time I bashed his head in
and had to cover my tracks.
369
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:10,732
Happens three, four times a year.
Right?
370
00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:15,612
Well, guess you and me are
the last two left in the tontine, eh?
371
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:18,323
Yes, I guess we are.
372
00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:23,078
Hard to believe, that.
373
00:19:23,246 --> 00:19:25,580
Well, we were the two youngest...
374
00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:27,165
No, no, not that.
375
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:32,128
The fact the government let you
two fruit-bats adopt a baby.
376
00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:33,421
Uh...
30025
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