Original subtitles

So if you want paper towels in there, you'll just have to supply your own.

- Are you kidding? - Come on.

Where do you get paper towels? And last item.

On a related note, I have no choice but to cut salaries.

- First the towels, now this. - Come on.

Eight percent, across the board.

Jeez. And let's just put a lid on it.

Do we have to supply our own lids? Look, I didn't invent the economy.

And until ISIS gets in the black, we all have to make some sacrifices so...

Line one for you. It's your furrier.

Unbelievable.

We have to cut back... But you're buying new horseshoes.

Tell him to send over the gray fox.

See? Sacrifice.

At this rate, I'll be reduced to wearing nutria.

Yeah, and your horse, with his fancy new shoes.

Oh, for the... That's a farrier. I know.

And this is Conrad Schlotz.

Herr Schlotz controls all of Europe's videotex services.

Videotex? Wow, growth industry. So he's worth billions.

And I want to convince him to invest in ISIS.

Well, that's gonna be a tough sell.

Ahem. We've posted losses for 15 straight quarters so...

That's why you're going to cook up a different set of books, Cyril.

Oh, no, I'm not comfortable with that. No?

Think you'd be more comfortable on another little vacation upstate?

No, I was dating Lana, but since I suffer from sexual addiction...

...which these quacks deny is even real, now they're treating me for...

Can somebody please shut up that damn coyote?!

Clormatrazapam?

No. No, I would not.

So unless you want me to send you back... I will start cooking the books.

Good thing you know how to cheat. What? Hey.

Enough. Now, then, this is a two-prong operation.

The books are prong one while prong two is El Frente Rojo.

Derby Day wore that exact same hat. Shock.

Herr Schlotz fears they may attempt a kidnapping...

...during a birthday party he's throwing this weekend in Gstaad.

Ach, Gstaad. Gstaad?

Oh, yeah, count me in. Yeah, and me out.

I'm not getting frostbite protecting some old German guy.

Herr Schlotz isn't the intended victim. It's his daughter, Anka.

Who obviously needs someone on her constantly.

So I will be that someone who is constantly on her.

Oh, please. Tongue back in.

For God's sake, Sterling, she's turning 17.

Oh. Ew. Sorry. Even for you, Archer.

Come on. She doesn't look like she's just turning 17.

No, she looks like she's just turning 18.

Exactly. Plus Europeans use the metric system...

Sterling Malory Archer, you will not touch a single hair on that girl.

Uh... See? How I let that just go by?

Look at me.

I am the perfect gentleman.

No. This is completely unacceptable.

I mean, cutbacks, I get it, but you cannot expect me to share a room with Ray.

Oh, I'll be gentle.

Mother, you know what he's implying, right?

Stop whining. We're all making do. Why, I'm sharing a room with Lana.

Hooray. And Pam's sleeping in the cellar.

Yeah, and if money's so damn tight, why is she even here?

She's making me mule back a bunch of this crap.

That crap is $300 a bottle...

...and you can't get it in America, so not another sip.

The rest of you, make room in your luggage for 10 liters apiece.

Unbelievable. I know.

What kind of limit is that?

Good, you are here, Frau Archer.

Ha, ha. It's Fräulein Archer. She added desperately.

And these are my top agents, who are ready to lay down their lives...

...to protect your, um, lovely daughter.

Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Ja, but if it does...

Let's hope not. ...you must protect mein princess.

Anka is all I have in the world since her mother passed away.

Oh, you poor thing. You're a widower?

Oh, like you didn't... Know!

No. No.

What is wrong with you? Did no one just see that?

Jumpy, eh?

Surely El Frente does not frighten the famous Sterling Archer.

No, she does.

My Anka? What do you mean? Oh, right.

Herr Archer glaubt Anka is dirty sexy.

What? She is only 16, you schwein.

No, I know. I'm not...

Not to come near her again.

Come on. And the rest of you, get to work.

Come, Anka. Uh...

Well, I hope you're happy. No, I'm not, Mother. I just got fingered.

Ugh! Now, that is just... Ew!

- Thanks a lot, Bitch and Sundance. - What?

What what? Didn't you see that? I saw you totally eye-bang a teenager.

No, you didn't, because I wasn't.

Whatever. Go wash up, dirty bird.

I wasn't eye-banging her. Man, I was.

Ugh. What? Jeez, I'm only human.

Are you?

That stinks. So don't smell it.

Don't smell it.

Another perfect example of your reductive reasoning.

He started it. He started it.

Can't I leave you two alone for even one hour without you going at it?

I should have asked myself the same thing about you two.

Meaning what? Meaning you left me for my brother.

Your twin brother.

So obviously, I still find you very attractive, baby.

And I have good news.

Even though Sterling Archer is here in Gstaad...

Archer? Archer?

It won't be a problem to kidnap that bourgeois perrita.

Her father has forbidden Archer to go near her.

So we go with my plan. Your plan stinks more than that cheese.

I think that smell is them.

But even they smell better than your stupid plan.

We go with my plan. Fine.

You don't want the world's greatest secret agent on the case? Fine.

You want little Countess von Fingerbang to get kidnapped? Fine.

Oh, and as for you, Ray...

...Sterling Archer may be many things, but he's not...

Fine? Oh, I think he is very fine.

No, no, Anka, you can't be in here. Anka?

Mr. Archer, how familiar.

You must address me by title:

Countess von Fingerbang.

No. Come on, Anka, seriously. You seriously gotta get out of here before...

Shit. Before the cops show up.

Or, wait, what do you have in Switzerland? Pikemen?

I don't know. I am from Germany, where the age of consent is 14.

What is it, the Alabama of Europe?

In many ways, yes, but we can talk about that in bed.

No, we can't. Seriously, you have to...

Hand over the girl, cochino.

And that is just it for today on people calling me a freaking pig.

Holy shit. Did you see that?

I saw you save my life. No, I...

Well, maybe a little, but... And I know just how to repay you.

Wait. No, no, Anka. Bad touch.

- Bad touch. - You schwein.

So does this look as bad as it looks? I will let the gendarmes decide that.

So they're not pikemen. Wait, Anka, tell your father what happened.

Papa, he lured me. What?

Then he tried to touch me with his Wilhelm. What? No, I...

I saved her life. I set a kidnapper on fire.

Tell it to the gendarmes, schwein.

Oh, come on, did you not see that?

Sterling, you promised.

And yet here you stand...

...as a fortune walks away, with your wedding tackle...

...stuffed into your shaving kit.

"Schwein" doesn't even touch it. Yeah? Well, neither did I, Mother.

I saved her life. Go ask that dick I set on fire.

And speaking of, that bay rum really burns on the... Oh!

Hello, razor. Welcome to the party.

**** you, Switzerland.

You're damn lucky Anka convinced her father not to press charges.

Yeah, I feel lucky. Let's see, sexually assaulted by a teenage sociopath...

...interrogated by gendarmes.

Oh. Three stitches in my penis. So, yep, it's all breaking my way.

Just stay out of my way.

I have to convince Schlotz to get in bed with ISIS...

...and failing that, in bed with...

Don't say it. I'm in enough pain.

Yeah, the entire hotel's talking about your little shaving accident.

And if you wanna get Schlotz into you... Phrasing.

...you better start eating strudel. Major chubby chaser.

Well, a lot of that's muscle. Let's hope not.

Because you get strong arms growing up on a dairy farm.

A dairy farm? Yes, it was called Butterfat Ranch.

No, it... They had a big cheese rodeo.

It was Poovey Farms. I also was raised on a dairy farm.

You're shitting me. What was your breed?

Friesians. We had Holsteins.

Jeez, they're like... Wow. Cousins.

Man, all this cow talk's making me thirsty for some milk.

And as luck has it, there is some chilling in mein suite.

Well, let's get some.

Don't wait up. Ugh.

Ugh. That is so classic her.

Chasing a billionaire while we could be surrounded by terrorists.

We don't know what they look like. Spoiler alert.

One doesn't have skin on his face. Meaning?

Meaning I set one on fire?

Was that before or after you got caught fondling a teenager?

Well, obviously before. After was all gendarmes and dick stitches.

And I didn't touch her, Lana, so there's no reason to be jealous.

Whatever.

How is your Wilhelm? Aah!

Should I kiss it and make it better? No, you should get away from me.

Look, I'm serious. You need help.

You need help, Archer. She came up to me.

Ray, what is a...?

What did you call it? "Blow job"? What?

Shame on you. Fie and shame. I didn't...

And it's something a grown-up does when he loves another grown-up.

Now, raus, you mouse. Get ready for our ski lesson.

She's giving you a ski lesson? No, I'm giving her one.

Oh, yeah, right. I forgot you won the Olympic gold medal in men's downhill.

Well, ass, it was Giant Slalom and I only took bronze.

So... So.

...you lost. I came in third.

Yeah, which is last.

Which is third... Last.

...in the world, so... You lost, Ray.

Jesus, get over it.

It actually was a huge disappointment.

I trained so hard and so long.

Months of preparation ruined. How could you be so stupid?

Carlito, he obviously did not mean to get set on fire.

We should've gone with my plan, which was superior in every way.

So, then, now we do your plan.

My plan requires three people. Three people who have faces!

Now I must call headquarters for reinforcements.

Good idea, mi amor.

You are so clever and sexy.

That sounds like Schlotz, but...

Oh, my God, Pam must be getting naked.

All these idiots think about is sex.

It's called nymphomania. Ugh.

Maybe mixed with borderline personality disorder?

I don't know, I'm not a developmental psychologist.

Archer, I'm serious. I'm serious.

That girl's a nightmare. No.

A nightmare is sharing a room with your mother, who expects me...

Loofah, I know. ...to protect some Eurotrash brat...

...who's got a jillion guests coming to her birthday party tomorrow.

Yeah. Think they're gonna have a band or just a DJ?

Why don't you go find out? No, I can't be alone.

That's when she strikes, like a slutty little ninja.

Ooh, is that Schlotz and Pam?

And are they drinking anti-freeze? Let's hope.

Ugh. Change it before I puke my...

Holy shit. Lana, look. That's the kidnapper I set on fire.

That guy? Who's never been on fire? He was, though. Lana, I swear.

You swear? Lana, I...

Just like you swore about a 90-pound schoolgirl raping you?

Attempted rape, Lana, and that guy was running around like Johnny Storm.

A.k.a. The Human Torch, Lana? Duh.

And if you don't believe me, fine.

Hey. I'll take care of it myself. Ow!

Oh, great, yeah. Go terrorize the bellhop.

Good thing that clip was empty. Oh, shit.

God, I hate it when he's right.

Now he gets to be the big hero who... Has no bullets.

Going against an unknown number of radical terrorists...

...armed with automatic weapons.

So that's gonna...

Mah! Damn it.

Herr Schlotz.

Herr Schlotz, are you in there?

I need to ask you a tiny...

Mein God, woman. Can't you not read?

Not without my glasses. I was hoping you could read this to me...

...in your suite, over a drink?

Yeah, come on in.

Just making a fresh batch of Green Russians.

Oh, ow, ow, ow.

First thing when I get back, buying an electric razor.

That's no fun. Oh, for ****'s sake.

Then you don't get to squirt that hot white cream all over your face.

Why aren't you with Gillette? Heh, heh.

As the ski lift was coming, at the last minute, I jumped out of the way.

Dukes, I am gonna be in huge trouble.

Right after I freeze to death. Double dukes.

Oh, great, they cut the power.

How romantic.

Yeah, it is.

No, not romantic. Dangerous. Because it's gonna be dark soon so...

So before it's too dark, let me ask your opinion on something.

What, you... Re-zip, re-zip, re-zip!

Do you think I need a boob job?

Honestly? Ah...

I'm kidding. Anka, come on. You're gonna be a beautiful woman.

Really? Yes, really.

And literally, the minute you turn 18, please call me, but...

Save your minutes.

Because tonight, Sterling Archer dies. Ha. Oh, yeah?

Oh, no.

Don't shoot the girl! We need her!

Archer, you must save me.

You got any ideas, Anka? Because I'm all ears.

Well, why don't we take that?

Well, obviously, we're gonna take that.

Come on.

Archer, we are safe now, ja?

Well, it's a little early to say.

But I really kind of doubt it.

I mean, I'm sure I've been in worse situations.

But right now, I'm kind of drawing a blank.

Hang on.

What the hell's all that, you reckon?

Immigrants. Cramming their lowriders full of free health care and snow.

We should go to the gendarmes. Yeah, if you weren't topless.

Oh, and hadn't accused me of molesting you.

Are you going to throw that in my face the rest of my life?

Yeah, all four minutes of it.

The girl is worth millions. Be careful where you're shooting.

Ooh! Pink Floyd show.

Oh. Man, I'm gonna be in trouble.

Triple dukes.

Where are we going? The forest.

They'll have to split up, then we can take them out one or two at a time.

You would fight them? Are you insane?

No, just incredibly pissed off.

Unh! You can't believe what this is doing to my stitches.

Okay, I need you to do exactly what I tell you when I tell you without...

We should go to the gendarmes.

Can I finish? Fine.

Questions. About what?

What? No, that was me finishing.

Oh, mein God. Now shut up and hang on.

Hey, that's right in my ear, so...

So you can't do it every time.

I swear, Anka, if I have to pull this snowmobile over...

I'm sorry. I'm not used to such awful things.

Yeah, I bet. Meaning what?

Meaning you're a spoiled, rich, little lying brat who...

You want lies? Wait until I tell everyone you seduced me.

Okay, that's it.

Wait. Why are you slowing down?

Take it back. Go, go, go.

Take it back. Fine, I take it back.

God.

Mein God. I know, right?

Totally McQueen.

Probably won't fall for it again, though. Man, I need a gun.

You think you can drive this thing...?

Probably better than you. Yeah?

Did you come in first the same weekend I attended...

...the Lars Larsen Snowmobiling Experience?

What? Because I came in second, smartass.

Out of how many, two? Will you just shut up and drive?

How do I do it? Right hand, take the throttle.

Like this?

No, you gotta twist it. I am twisting it.

No, you got... Hang on a second.

You gotta twist it, like this.

You gotta go faster, Anka. Faster? I'm freezing to death already.

Should've thought of that before you took your clothes off. Seriously, would you go?

I'm doing it like you said.

Grip it hard as you can and twist the absolute shit out of it.

Oh, I get it, just like men love it on their Wilhelm.

No, we... Oh, my God.

You've never even seen a Wilhelm.

Ha. I have seen dozens. Scores, even.

You are such a liar.

I bet you've never even gotten to second base.

I... So maybe not.

So what? What do you mean "so what"?

Why do you behave like...? No one cares how I behave.

Mama is gone, Papa is always at work. I just rot away at that boarding school.

Yeah, and then I bet you get sent off to camp all summer.

Riding camp, skiing camp.

Lacrosse camp. It's like he doesn't want me around.

Yeah, so you misbehave because you want a little attention.

And it's so hard to make friends.

Because you're insecure, so you overcompensate and come across as...

As some kind of snob or...

Arrogant. I get it, Anka. Ja, exactly.

You know, Archer, I think you and I are a lot alike.

I don't do that.

Okay, I think that's all of them...

...which is good because I'm out of ammo.

And we're out of gas. Fantastic.

Guess we'll have to hike back.

Oh, my God, you must be freezing.

Hey, Anka, relax. You're gonna be okay. We'll get you back to the hotel and...

All the wind from the driving, Archer. My hands are really burning.

Whoa. That's first degree frostbite.

Too bad you don't have big, mitten-y gloves. I can't feel a thing in these.

It's like my breasts are on fire.

Maybe just put your hands on them. Oh, my hands are like ice.

But yours... Nope.

Please. Nope.

We can make it back in, like, half-hour, tops.

I can't wait that long. Please... Nope.

With such big, mitten-y gloves, it won't even count.

Nope. But I could get nerve damage.

That's actually a possibility.

Please, Archer, just for one minute. Um...

Literally one minute, all right? Please.

And only because this is a medical emergency.

That feels nice. It doesn't. Don't enjoy this.

This is a medical proced... Ow.

What's wrong? Nothing.

It's just, um, my stitches.

Oh, yeah? What...?

Getting a little local swelling?

Hooray.

I can't believe I let this happen.

Uck! It was those damn Green Russians.

Yeah, they pack a wallop.

And if you ever breathe a word of this, I will gut you like a carp.

Hey, what happens in Gstaad...

...stays in Gstaad. Ugh.

Now, who's ready for a shower?

This gal.