Original subtitles

[suspicious music playing]

So, what are we--

How the hell are you walking around?

I'm sorry. Should I not be?

Are you... Wait, are you kidding, or--

Archer! Archer, you shut your mouth!

-Because seriously, if you're not-- -Archer!

You need to go rustle up a dime and call Robert goddamn Ripley.

Wait a minute! I know that voice...

[Archer] So you're saying when I drive this truck out of here,

you'd prefer I drove over your head, not your ankles.

Wait, what? No, no. No, I meant--

I know what you meant.

[screaming]

Ow!

You! You turned me into a freak!

I think you might be confusing me with your personal shopper.

My what?

What are you wearing? You look like--

Ya like that, Archer?

[Archer] No.

'Cause that's the best you're gonna feel for the rest of your short life!

And as for you, Poovey--

Pop pop pop pop...

What, you don't want Figgis

and ol' Lenny here to know you were--

You're under arrest, Dutch!

You have the right to remain silent! Or get shot in the face!

[inhales cigarette]

Go nuts.

Your funeral.

Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no--

[gunshots]

Son of a--

No, no, no, no--

Stop it!

I mean--

You know the definition of insanity?

You! You're the definition! You!

That was rhetorical, shitheel!

The definition of insanity is--

Suppressing fire!

Ow!

What, did you eat a bunch of magnets?

Seriously.

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Oh, for... That's the ransom money!

-The what? -And my bag!

Which, again, was a gift!

Ah!

Isn't that right, Trexler? Trexler?

Archer!

[screaming]

We gotta get out,

we gotta get out...

He's gonna... We gotta...

You're not a vegetarian, are you?

We gotta... What?

Snap out of it.

Jesus, that hurt.

Right?

Come on, I snapped already!

I know. I know. That one was just for me.

[theme music playing]

Ow!

And that one was for the Chinese ladies.

Yeah, so about that--

[Dutch] Trexler!

-You were saying? -Never mind!

You gotta get me outta here! You saw him, he's invincible!

But how? He's like...

He's a goddamn robot!

Ow!

At the risk of another meatslap you're kind of an asshole.

Woo!

[grunting]

[laughing]

Oh, man.

Hmm...

[grunting]

Jesus Christ!

-He ain't gonna help you! -[Lana] Grab the gimp.

Hang on, let me try something.

We tried that! Grab the gimp!

Woo!

Yeah!

Now go, go, go!

[chuckling]

[Dutch] Aren't you gonna stay for supper?

-I don't think I could eat. -Will that hold him?

It's three inches of solid-- Oh, shit!

-Damn! -See?

[Dutch laughing]

What the...

Jesus! He's some kinda robot!

[Dutch] Oh, I'll say.

[laughing]

I mean...

[Dutch] Whoops? [laughing]

Go! Go!

What do you mean, a robot?

I mean, I know a guy who knows a guy, who knows a guy who knows a...

-Guy? -Nazi scientist--

-What? -Former! I guess. I don't know.

Anyway, the guy is a bona fide mad scientist.

[chuckling]

Or is that just affected and weird?

And you're telling me this crazy Nazi can turn people into robots?

Yes! With metal bones! Motor oil for blood!

Like the tin man!

-Okay, A, the tin man's not a robot-- -The tin man is a--

A magical being! Like a leprechaun, Pinocchio, an enchanted nutcracker.

Whatever! He doesn't have a heart!

Just like that sick bastard out there!

He killed my guys!

Mike.

-Fat Mike. -Aww...

-It's all your fault! -What?

You're the one who crushed his goddamn ankles!

Rescuing innocent women from a lifetime of sexual slavery!

-Like a meddling asshole! -Wh--

But get me out of here alive, and the ransom money,

we'll call it even, okay?

-We're way more than even. -Wh-- How do you figure?

Because your final thought on this earth wasn't about how my gun tasted.

Fair enough.

Right. Okay, how's my face look?

It's good. How's it feel?

-Honestly, not that bad. -What's that, codeine?

Yeah, mixed with some Dexedrine.

"The Adventures of Dex and Cody."

Let me ask you, should you be doing that?

"Should you be doing that?"

Actually no, probably not.

Come on, move it! What are you, hourly?

I mean...

Is it just me, or is it cold?

-It's you. -Well, your shock.

Just checking.

He needs a hospital!

-No shit. -Easy!

-Well? -I think I own one.

That's great. Where are your keys?

Applejack drove--

-What? -What?

Keys, idiot!

Ew!

-Son of a-- -I'm priapic! From the shock!

Shock doesn't cause priapisms!

-Sickle-cell anemia? -No.

Then I can only assume I was bitten by a Brazilian Wandering Spider.

-Ew! -Ow!

I bet they fell out in the house.

Oh, damn it! Can you hot-wire it?

Why are you asking me?

Because you know all that shit about putting breakfast in the radiator!

-What? -For a leak. Potatoes, an egg...

That's pretty common knowledge.

-No, it's not. -Also pepper.

-Can you hot-wire it? -No.

[Figgis] Nobody can.

Because it's English and it's stupid, with a bunch of stupid English wires.

[yawns]

I don't have time for this shit!

Not if that crazy Kraut was on the level about that Factor-K shit.

And also... I've lost track of time!

What was that?

Sounds like somebody's smashing up all your shit.

With a halberd.

[Dutch whoops]

Yeah. Can't have anything nice.

That halberd was pretty nice.

Yeah, was. And why are we going up?

M-m.

Something's not right.

[Charlotte] I'll say.

I didn't think it was possible, but somehow being kidnapped

is even more boring than my mother's funeral.

I meant with Archer and the ransom!

-Still though. -Mr. Zerk.

[grumbles]

If the wheels end up coming off this thing,

obviously I'll need you to... tie up

all the remaining loose ends.

[sighs]

[romantic music playing]

[blows raspberry]

I wonder what could've gone wrong.

[grunting]

Son of a bitch.

Is the parking brake off?

-Oh. -Goddamn it.

-Sorry. -Will you hurry up?

He's not lookin' too good!

You're lookin' real good.

[Cecil groans]

But try that hard-on shit with me I'll kick your dick off your body.

Fair enough.

[Poovey grunting]

Come on!

Oh, shut up, you were gonna ditch me!

-Yeah, and it woulda served you right! -How?

Oh, don't play dumb with me!

That crazy robot was just about to finger you

for stealing Trexler's whores!

-Wait what? -Finger who? Ow!

That was Archer!

What the hell would I want with a bunch of Chinese broads?

[Poovey inhaling with a wheeze]

[exhaling weakly]

[clapping]

Okay, okay.

Jeez, knock it off!

Maybe they got us some new diapers.

[baby coos]

Ya know?

I wasn't implying you kept them.

Wait, hang on, did you?

Are we gonna stand here all night yanking our goddamn... genitals?

Yes, where did we land on that?

Hey, my keys!

I mean...

Right? What are the odds?

Because, asshole, if we hadn't gone upstairs we wouldn't be... whatever!

-Shinnying? -Exactly!

Exactly. And this is the last place he'd ever think to look for us, so--

-[Dutch] Hey, guys! -Wha--

[chuckling]

Oh, wow!

[both] Oh, shit!

[crash]

[laughing]

[Lana] And you're sure you can drive a stick?

As long as I can find the manual!

[laughing]

-Hospital! -Okay, jeez, I'm going!

Guess I better not stall.

This is a cigar.

Go!

And since Archer was kind enough to leave his keys in the ignition, get in!

Um...

We'll just take my car.

No, actually, you'll come with me!

-To where? -Wh-- My headquarters!

What, like some drag club?

For the-- I'm not a transvestite!

I'm a treasury agent!

[both] What?

And you two are under arrest.

[both] What?

Kidnapping, conspiracy to commit kidnapping, grand larceny...

Oh, and while we're on the subject,

I'll go ahead and take the ransom money.

Well, you say that...

Hey, whoa, whoa!

Well. Looks like we've got ourselves a Mexican standoff.

Oh, does it now?

-Yes. -Poovey!

Oh, right.

Wh--? Not at me, you idiot! At her!

Yeah, she doesn't have the money.

Oh, you have got to be kidding!

Poovey, put the gun down.

-Right? -Shut up.

Listen to me, you testify against him,

the judge'll go easy on you, and you're out in like... 20 years!

-What? -I meant months!

Nice try, Eliot Mess!

Now hand over the dough, Figgis.

[Archer and Len yelling]

What the...?

[Archer] Whatever this is we don't have time for it!

Excuse me! I am effecting an arrest!

Great, while you're at it arrest him!

Who?

[shouting]

If for nothing else, that outfit.

[giggling]

Now where do you think you're going?

[Archer] Nowhere, apparently!

-Will you get the hell off me? -I should drive!

-Why should you possibly drive? -Why should you drive?

Because A, it's my car, and B, you're a woman!

Hopefully. Now move!

Nice!

-Holy shit! -Right? Actually...

[all exclaiming]

[crash]

Eat a dick, Gort.

-[thump] -What the... Oh, come on.

-No! -Damn it!

Hey, we should go to a drive-in!

-What? -Whoa!

[laughing]

For the love of God, man, do something!

Yeah.

Goddamn it!

-Hang on. -[Dutch] I am!

Not you, idiot.

[Dutch] Archer!

[laughing]

Holy shit!

-Did you see that? -I've seen better.

Yes, hurray, and now, can you drive us all to the federal building downtown?

Okay, and why would I do that?

Because you're all under arrest.

-Oh, yeah, what was up with that? -She's a T-man!

Okay, but I'm almost positive that's, you know, like an insulting term, for--

For the last time! I am not a transvestite!

Well, probably not the last time, but--

-I am a treasury agent! -What?

And, again, you are all under arrest!

[all laughing]

How is that so goddamn funny?

Oh, my God... because...

That!

Oh, yeah? Well, how about that?

Yeah! That's what I thought!

Not that, dummy.

[engine revving]

-That. -Seriously?

I'm starting to think you guys don't wanna hang out!

Can somebody...

-Suppressing fire! -[gunshots]

[gun fires with no bullets]

[laughing]

Wait, were those blanks?

Jesus Christ, Figgis, you couldn't suppress a cough!

-Yes, I could! -I apologize, I stand corrected.

[gunshots]

Goddamn it, woman!

Do you have any idea how bad that is--

I swear to God, if I have to stop this car--

[gunshots]

Good idea! Here, let me give you a hand with that!

[metal scraping]

Jesus! Can somebody, please, shoot him?

Goddamn it.

-I'm out. -Yep.

-I obviously am. -Me too.

Oh, my God. Okay, take the wheel!

-Take the what? -The wheel!

And put your foot on the gas! I'm gonna jump on the bike!

Yeah!

-No, you're not! -Yes, I am!

Big man! Feelin' froggy!

-Damn it! -Just drive the car, you asshole!

-[Archer] I can do it! -[Lana] No, you can't!

It's like my signature move!

And here I thought your signature move

was blowing your load all over a woman's dress during foreplay!

-Wow. -Right?

Totally.

I mean, would you not just die?

Okay, you know what?

What the--

Yeah, laugh it up... laughers!

And since you like jokes so goddamn much...

No, no, no, no, no, no--

No!

[grunting]

Whoa.

Oh, hey!

Did you hear the one about--

Oh, my God!

-Archer, wait! -[Archer] Or the one about--

Jesus Christ!

-Archer! -[Archer] Or, here's one! Knock knock!

Who's there? Interrupting cow.

Interrupting cow--

Typical! Typical! Typical! Typical!

What could possibly have been typical about that?

-Me! I always do shit like this! -Like what?

All I wanted to do was find out who killed my partner Woodhouse,

and the next thing I know I've disappeared up my own asshole

and I'm manumitting sex slaves and grossly abusing corpses

and trying to source a finger for some weird psychosexual kidnapping,

and then, to top off all the bullshit,

getting chased by goddamn robots!

I mean fucking halberds, Jesus Christ.

Wait, wait, wait, what was that?

-Halberds! -No, did you...

You said your partner's name was Woodhouse?

Yeah, why?

Woodhouse, the dope-fiend detective.

What-- You-- Yes! Why?

Because, and I'm sorry kid,

I don't know how to break this to you, but...

But what?

Mother killed Woodhouse.

What?

[theme song playing]