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1
00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:06,464
So, uh, what are we doing?
Are we just jumping right into this, or--
2
00:00:06,548 --> 00:00:08,299
How are you assholes even here?
3
00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:09,801
[sighs] We followed you.
4
00:00:09,884 --> 00:00:10,844
-Duh.
-Duh.
5
00:00:10,927 --> 00:00:12,971
Hmm! Looks like she's having
a rough night.
6
00:00:13,054 --> 00:00:14,639
Her? What about me?
7
00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:17,809
-Will you shut up?
-Will you stop illustrating my point?
8
00:00:17,892 --> 00:00:20,812
So, is this the part where you tell me
it's not what it looks like?
9
00:00:20,895 --> 00:00:22,939
-I don't know. What does it look like?
-You tell me.
10
00:00:23,022 --> 00:00:26,443
-It's... not what it looks like?
-Which is...
11
00:00:26,526 --> 00:00:27,610
Murder, Figgis,
12
00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:29,320
you insufferable little prick!
13
00:00:29,404 --> 00:00:30,405
It looks like murder!
14
00:00:30,488 --> 00:00:32,240
Yeah, I guess it does, kind of.
15
00:00:32,323 --> 00:00:35,910
But it shows what you know, because
it's only accessory after the fact.
16
00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:39,330
[scoffs] We were merely using
this poor pre-deceased young woman
17
00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:40,373
to fake my death.
18
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:41,374
-What?
-Why?
19
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:44,753
She's trying to get out
of a quasi-incestuous home-life situation.
20
00:00:44,836 --> 00:00:45,795
How quasi?
21
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,839
[sighs] Like, a four?
22
00:00:47,922 --> 00:00:49,716
-Eh.
-Put a ham in it, Poovey.
23
00:00:49,799 --> 00:00:51,384
What's your story, lady? Who are you?
24
00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:53,386
Charlotte Vandertunt?
25
00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:56,514
Heiress to the vast
Vandertunt publishing fortune?
26
00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:58,892
-Really?
-Schmancy.
27
00:00:58,975 --> 00:01:02,645
Well, then, seeing as how that's the case,
are the keys in the Rolls?
28
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,397
Yeah. They're-- Wait. Why?
29
00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:06,399
Because I'm going to drive it,
30
00:01:06,483 --> 00:01:09,235
and Sergeant Poovey
is going to drive you in my car.
31
00:01:09,319 --> 00:01:12,238
To jail. Because you're both
under arrest for murder.
32
00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:13,406
-What?
-Goddamn it.
33
00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,116
-Poovey?
-Huh? Oh.
34
00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:18,995
Now we'll see how you like getting
your tits screwed off for a change.
35
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,830
[snickering] What?
36
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,708
Remember? 'Cause you screwed
his wife's tits off.
37
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:26,169
-Damn it, Poovey!
-What? Figuratively!
38
00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:28,421
Well, either way,
I can tell you right now I--
39
00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:32,008
Wait. Did you say "a change" or just
"change," as in spare change?
40
00:01:32,091 --> 00:01:35,595
[scoffs] What change? They'll be passing
you around for half a pack of smokes.
41
00:01:35,678 --> 00:01:38,014
Pff. I'm worth at least two packs.
42
00:01:38,097 --> 00:01:39,307
-Pff.
-You know.
43
00:01:39,390 --> 00:01:42,435
And, Poovey, book her as a Jane Doe.
44
00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:43,603
[Archer gasps]
45
00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:45,438
A what?
46
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:47,649
Oh, shit.
47
00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:52,237
[theme music playing]
48
00:02:27,772 --> 00:02:29,482
[Archer]
Well, at least let me talk to her.
49
00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:31,401
[Poovey]
No. I told you, you can't.
50
00:02:31,734 --> 00:02:35,655
Little Miss Vanderpanties is in solitary,
down in the sub-basement.
51
00:02:35,738 --> 00:02:38,783
-Yeah. And why do you think that is?
-How the hell should I know?
52
00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:41,077
-Wh-- Because you do!
-No, I don't.
53
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,580
Are you-- Booking Charlotte as a Jane Doe?
54
00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:44,914
He's gonna keep her locked up here,
55
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,083
call her parents posing as a kidnapper,
56
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,836
and use the ransom money
to square things with Len Trexler
57
00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:52,213
for losing his Chinese sex slaves!
58
00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:54,132
Oh, thought you meant besides that.
59
00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:57,927
The Chinese sex slaves,
by the way, that you let go! [groans]
60
00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:00,054
Keep your frickin' voice down.
61
00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:01,139
[groaning]
62
00:03:01,222 --> 00:03:03,766
And speaking of which,
where the hell are they?
63
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:08,021
-[gong bangs]
-[chattering in Chinese, indistinct]
64
00:03:08,104 --> 00:03:10,356
Your house? Are you shitting me?
65
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,568
Aw, I wouldn't shit you.
You're my favorite turd.
66
00:03:13,651 --> 00:03:15,320
But what are you gonna do
with them, Poovey?
67
00:03:15,403 --> 00:03:17,071
What's your long-term plan?
68
00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:18,740
-[gong bangs]
-[chatter continues]
69
00:03:18,823 --> 00:03:20,116
[Poovey yelling in Chinese]
70
00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:23,202
[groans]
Like living with a bunch of roosters.
71
00:03:23,286 --> 00:03:25,455
-That's your plan?
-Well, it's a plan.
72
00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:27,957
I mean, obviously,
we'll put it to a vote, but--
73
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:30,376
Not after I tell Figgis--
[grunts] Ow!
74
00:03:30,460 --> 00:03:33,212
Don't be stupid. If you want me
to talk him out of this murder rap,
75
00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:34,881
you'll keep your damn piehole shut!
76
00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:37,008
Poovey. Poovey!
77
00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:39,594
[snickers]
I could actually go for some pie.
78
00:03:39,677 --> 00:03:42,513
-[guard] Come on! Move your asses!
-[men chattering]
79
00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:46,059
Yeah, keep bitching, if ya want me
to bust your heads open for ya.
80
00:03:46,142 --> 00:03:47,936
Hey, uh, could I order some pie?
81
00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:52,273
Or have you singlehandedly depleted
the global strategic pie reserves?
82
00:03:56,194 --> 00:03:58,655
-Whoo! Are you crazy?
-You wanna get yourself killed?
83
00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:01,241
Oh, my God! Is diabetes contagious?
84
00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:03,910
Hang on. Tsk. I know you from Dreamland.
85
00:04:03,993 --> 00:04:05,912
Dreamland? Do you know Lana Kane?
86
00:04:05,995 --> 00:04:07,830
We're her band, man. I'm Floyd.
87
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,749
This is Verl. That's Cliff, and that's--
88
00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:11,834
Ray Gillette. I'm kind of the bandleader.
89
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:13,503
-We didn't vote on that.
-No, you're not.
90
00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:17,757
I'm Archer. I'm a private eye,
doing a little work for your boss, Mother.
91
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,175
So what are you in here for?
92
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:22,845
Well, murder, but technically,
it was just gross abuse of a corpse.
93
00:04:22,929 --> 00:04:24,931
How about you guys? What are you in for?
94
00:04:25,014 --> 00:04:27,350
Yeah, Ray. What are we in here for?
95
00:04:27,433 --> 00:04:28,851
-[inhaling sharply]
-[Ray] Okay. My turn.
96
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:30,687
-Okay. Hey, come on. Let me--
-Hey, relax.
97
00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:33,189
-Hold on. You're gonna get yours.
-You'll get a turn, man.
98
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,316
-Can I please--
-Ray, take it easy, man.
99
00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:36,567
[loudly] Goddamn it!
100
00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:40,113
I insist you let me share
your marijuana cigarette!
101
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,740
[muffled grunt, snort]
102
00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:45,910
Well, serves y'all right
for being so damn stingy.
103
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:47,412
-Serves who right?
-"Whom."
104
00:04:47,495 --> 00:04:49,330
How is six years in jail right?
105
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:52,125
Six years? For one lousy goof-butt?
106
00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:55,461
[sighs] It's our second offense.
107
00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:58,464
[loudly]
I am lovin' this marijuana cigarette!
108
00:04:59,507 --> 00:05:01,175
[muffled grunt, snort]
109
00:05:01,259 --> 00:05:04,971
Or it will be, once they run our prints
and figure out we gave 'em fake names.
110
00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:08,766
[laughs]
Oh, man, was my fake name not the best?
111
00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:10,768
I swear, I am such a pistol.
112
00:05:10,852 --> 00:05:12,353
You're lucky I don't have a pistol.
113
00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:14,605
-Or even a belt.
-Or even shoelaces.
114
00:05:14,689 --> 00:05:18,318
What if I told you I could get you guys
outta here, no charges filed?
115
00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:21,154
-I need your help to do it, though.
-To do what, exactly?
116
00:05:21,237 --> 00:05:22,530
Escape, obviously.
117
00:05:22,613 --> 00:05:24,907
-What?
-What do we have to do?
118
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:28,494
Well, for starters,
I'm gonna need you to forgive me.
119
00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:30,872
Forgive you? For wh--
[vomiting]
120
00:05:30,955 --> 00:05:32,665
-Damn, Ray!
-My shoes.
121
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:33,833
-Man.
-Really?
122
00:05:33,916 --> 00:05:35,752
-Damn, man! Why the hell'd you do that?
-[vomiting continues]
123
00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:38,629
Hey, guard, we got a sick man in here!
124
00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:40,882
-Ohh.
-Aw, man, I'm gonna be sick too.
125
00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:43,134
-No, you are not.
-Well, I am.
126
00:05:43,217 --> 00:05:45,386
-Guard!
-You assholes!
127
00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:46,804
Whoever puked in my cell,
128
00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:49,140
I'm gonna make ya mop it up
and suck on the mop!
129
00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:51,184
-[vomiting]
-[groans]
130
00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:52,643
Oh, man! [vomiting]
131
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:54,228
Goddamn it!
132
00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:55,480
[chuckles]
Seriously.
133
00:05:55,563 --> 00:05:57,356
Oh, you think that's funny,
you shit-heel?
134
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:02,070
Oh, sorry. I'm just a sucker
for physical comedy. Case in point...
135
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:04,030
[grunting]
136
00:06:04,113 --> 00:06:05,031
[chokes]
137
00:06:05,114 --> 00:06:06,407
Damn!
138
00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:08,534
Remind me never to rent you a mule.
139
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,244
Why would I want to rent a mule?
140
00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:11,788
Maybe you're afraid of commitment.
141
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:14,957
So, listen. What do you think about
our chances of getting out of here?
142
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,627
Mmm. I don't know. Four?
143
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,087
Out of... five?
144
00:06:19,170 --> 00:06:21,339
[swallows] Why not?
145
00:06:26,677 --> 00:06:29,180
[Mother]
I'm sorry. I must have misheard you.
146
00:06:29,555 --> 00:06:32,809
Because it sounded like you said
you're not doing your second set.
147
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:35,853
I don't have a band. They never came back
from their smoke break.
148
00:06:35,937 --> 00:06:37,897
Bet they got arrested again.
149
00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:39,607
Idiots.
150
00:06:39,690 --> 00:06:42,151
What is it with you people and reefer?
151
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,529
Do you mean musicians or Negroes?
152
00:06:44,612 --> 00:06:45,446
Pick one.
153
00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:47,865
No, because I'm going home now, so--
154
00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:50,952
You most certainly are not.
Get up there and entertain those people.
155
00:06:51,035 --> 00:06:53,079
[Lana]
How? Do you want me to do a striptease?
156
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,205
Hmm.
157
00:06:54,288 --> 00:06:55,289
That was a joke.
158
00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:57,083
-Well, clearly.
-Wh--
159
00:06:57,166 --> 00:06:59,877
But I wonder.
What if we had a comedy night?
160
00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,630
Comedians, little routines...
161
00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:05,133
And where the hell is the bartender?
162
00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:06,175
[woman]
Excuse me.
163
00:07:06,676 --> 00:07:07,760
Excuse me.
164
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:10,930
Excuse me! Doctor,
where are you taking this patient?
165
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,141
Yeah, what do we got going on here?
166
00:07:13,224 --> 00:07:14,851
Tests! Just some routine tests.
167
00:07:15,351 --> 00:07:17,270
Okay, let's get you dancin', handsome.
168
00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:19,230
I am handsome.
169
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,274
Maybe I could do a comedy routine.
170
00:07:21,357 --> 00:07:22,942
I mean, how hard could that be?
171
00:07:23,359 --> 00:07:24,694
-[Cliff] Seriously?
-[Archer] What?
172
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:26,612
You look like a rodeo clown.
173
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:28,948
[chuckles]
You've clearly never been to a rodeo.
174
00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:30,783
Aw, brother, I have.
175
00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:32,743
That was the circus.
176
00:07:32,827 --> 00:07:34,203
No. There were lions.
177
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,998
Look, man, Verl's got to be the cop.
178
00:07:37,081 --> 00:07:38,374
I mean, you know, no offense, but--
179
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,585
The fact that you feel like
you have to say "no offense"--
180
00:07:40,668 --> 00:07:41,502
Moot!
181
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:42,420
-Wait. What?
-"Moot"?
182
00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:44,839
Moot. It's my plan. I'm the cop.
183
00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:45,798
[scoffs] Come on.
184
00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:48,134
You look like you should
be policing a cornfield.
185
00:07:48,217 --> 00:07:49,844
Arresting crows and shit.
186
00:07:49,927 --> 00:07:51,512
-Caw! Caw!
-Seriously.
187
00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:52,972
No. I'm the cop.
188
00:07:53,055 --> 00:07:55,266
For one thing,
I have military experience, so--
189
00:07:55,349 --> 00:07:57,602
-Me and Verl were in the army.
-And I was in the navy.
190
00:07:57,685 --> 00:07:59,896
Well, but, you know,
I didn't segregate the service.
191
00:07:59,979 --> 00:08:02,315
-And no offense, but--
-But here it comes.
192
00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:04,567
Well, but what did you do, exactly?
193
00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:07,028
-I was in the Transport Corps.
-I was a steward.
194
00:08:07,111 --> 00:08:08,696
Exactly. So, you know--
195
00:08:08,779 --> 00:08:10,490
Oh, I get it.
196
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:13,951
So, no matter how eager Negroes were
to prove ourselves in combat,
197
00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:17,371
thanks to segregation,
most of us had to serve in support units.
198
00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:20,958
And driving trucks and serving coffee
don't exactly make us war heroes.
199
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:24,837
No. Come on. Look, I realize
that a segregated service is just crazy.
200
00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:27,798
Especially when you think about what
we were fighting for over there, but--
201
00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:30,635
-Oh, so now you got a "but."
-But if you think about it,
202
00:08:30,718 --> 00:08:33,679
the most racist thing would be
if whenever there was a war,
203
00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:35,932
we only sent Negroes.
204
00:08:37,433 --> 00:08:39,977
-Wow!
-Words fail me.
205
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:42,813
-I failed my induction screening.
-Well, obviously.
206
00:08:42,897 --> 00:08:45,274
-You put the "F" in "4-F."
-You know--
207
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:48,819
Okay, Verl can be the cop.
But I'm still squad leader.
208
00:08:50,279 --> 00:08:52,657
And I need you guys to respect that.
209
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:55,243
Come on. Come on. Move your lazy asses.
210
00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:56,536
-Oh, that's good.
-That's good, Verl.
211
00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:57,495
Very believable.
212
00:08:57,578 --> 00:08:59,580
Will you quit jamming my ass
with that thing?
213
00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:01,874
-He said, coyly.
-Silence, prisoner.
214
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:03,000
-[men chuckling]
-Yeah. Shut up.
215
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:06,003
And the next cop we see,
I'm getting his uniform, so...
216
00:09:06,087 --> 00:09:07,338
[door opens]
217
00:09:07,421 --> 00:09:09,882
[sighs] Damn it.
218
00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:11,717
Complete and total bullshit.
219
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:13,803
-Dress that line, boy!
-[men chuckling]
220
00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:15,763
Talk about looking like a scarecrow.
221
00:09:15,846 --> 00:09:16,973
Caw! Caw!
222
00:09:17,056 --> 00:09:18,474
Doesn't even work there, so...
223
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:21,769
So, hey, I'm not an architect,
but I'm pretty sure
224
00:09:21,852 --> 00:09:24,146
you can't leave a building
through the sub-basement.
225
00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:27,775
So, unless they keep
all the fingerprint cards down here--
226
00:09:27,858 --> 00:09:29,694
In the dampest part of the building--
227
00:09:29,777 --> 00:09:31,571
What the hell are we doing down here?
228
00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:34,282
Well, um, it's a surprise.
229
00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:35,950
[man] Oh, goody!
230
00:09:36,033 --> 00:09:37,159
Let me guess.
231
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:40,663
Is it, uh, a truck full
of my Chinese whores?
232
00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:41,706
Uh, better.
233
00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:46,210
Oh, a slightly larger truck
full of my Chinese whores?
234
00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:47,128
Even better.
235
00:09:47,211 --> 00:09:50,006
I feel like we're gonna run out of things
to fill with Chinese whores.
236
00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:52,842
No. You'll forget all about them
when you hear what I've got for you.
237
00:09:52,925 --> 00:09:54,885
Intriguing. [chuckles]
238
00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:56,304
All right. Give me a hint.
239
00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:59,265
Two words: Charlotte Vandertunt.
240
00:09:59,348 --> 00:10:02,727
[gasps] The heiress to the vast
Vandertunt publishing fortune?
241
00:10:02,810 --> 00:10:06,063
And, by inference,
an ideal target for kidnapping.
242
00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:07,982
I'm not kidnapping a Vandertunt.
243
00:10:08,065 --> 00:10:10,192
You don't have to. I already did.
244
00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:14,447
Are you serious?
Oh, Figgis, that is some good work.
245
00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:17,575
-Where is she?
-Downtown, booked in as a Jane Doe.
246
00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:19,702
You got her in that shitty jail?
247
00:10:19,785 --> 00:10:22,246
No! You go get her,
and you bring her here.
248
00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:24,582
-But--
-"But" nothing, ya little weasel.
249
00:10:24,665 --> 00:10:26,584
Bring her to me. I want to meet her.
250
00:10:28,002 --> 00:10:29,629
Oh, I bet she's charming.
251
00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:35,051
[screaming]
252
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:36,927
What-- What is happening right now?
253
00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:40,389
That's what I'm trying to--
What the hell is wrong with you?
254
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,183
Everything!
255
00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:46,729
I spent my life in jail,
and now I'm a disgusting old woman!
256
00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:48,481
-Wait. What?
-What is she talking about?
257
00:10:48,564 --> 00:10:52,276
My God, the future is terrifying!
258
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,820
How many years have I been in here?
259
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:57,239
Wha-- [chuckles]
It's been, like, a half an hour.
260
00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:59,575
What? No, but... [breathing heavily]
261
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,494
But then-- How--
262
00:11:01,577 --> 00:11:03,496
[whispering]
How are there Negro policemen?
263
00:11:03,704 --> 00:11:05,873
-Uh, definitely Negro policemen.
-[overlapping chatter]
264
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:08,751
I-- But-- I mean, since when?
265
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:12,296
In L.A.? I wanna say... Was it 1886?
266
00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:15,633
Yep. Patrolman Robert W. Stewart.
267
00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:17,259
Big Beat-Walkin' Bob.
268
00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:18,844
-They called him that?
-How should I know?
269
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:21,263
[sighs] Uh...
270
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:22,848
Well, then, I don't know what to say.
271
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:24,892
I am simply mortified.
272
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:28,020
Please accept my apology. I... [chuckles]
273
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:30,439
You're my first Negroes.
274
00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:33,943
So, was this the surprise?
275
00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:36,320
-Because I already know a crazy lady.
-His Aunt Marva.
276
00:11:36,404 --> 00:11:38,197
Eats paper. By the pound.
277
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,573
Mm-hmm. God bless that mess.
278
00:11:39,657 --> 00:11:42,743
So, no. The surprise is,
we're gonna seriously jeopardize
279
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:45,538
our own chance of escaping
by taking her with us.
280
00:11:45,621 --> 00:11:47,498
[discontented overlapping chatter]
281
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:50,459
-[Poovey] I say we put it to a vote.
-[groans]
282
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:51,710
I vote no.
283
00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:53,462
Poovey, come on. Don't do this.
284
00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:56,465
Make me. I mean, don't make me.
285
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,427
Look, I know you cops have to
check your weapons up front,
286
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:02,638
and there's five of us
and only one of you, so--
287
00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:04,849
So who wants their ass beat first?
[bones crack]
288
00:12:04,932 --> 00:12:08,894
And before you decide, keep in mind
I'm gradually gonna get more tired,
289
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,188
but also gradually more berserker.
290
00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:12,481
[shrieks in delight]
291
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:15,901
This is the best... day... ever!
292
00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,570
[shrieks]
293
00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:20,823
Being a Negro must be so exciting.
294
00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:26,996
-[audience applauding]
-[Lana] Thank you.
295
00:12:27,079 --> 00:12:30,374
Oh, thank you. Oh, you're too kind.
296
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,710
How's everybody doing tonight?
297
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:35,713
Doing good? Having a swell time?
298
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:37,715
Yeah? Everybody having fun?
299
00:12:37,798 --> 00:12:40,885
Painting the town red? Wonderful!
300
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,553
Terrific.
301
00:12:43,762 --> 00:12:45,931
So, I'm gonna want a rematch.
302
00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:47,766
[breathily]
Me too.
303
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:51,270
What in the hell is she doing?
304
00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:53,939
I'll tell you who's not having fun.
305
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:56,817
Al Capone. He just died.
You hear about this?
306
00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:58,694
Yep. He died of syphilis.
307
00:12:58,777 --> 00:13:01,822
Wouldn't wanna be that broad,
would ya? [laughs]
308
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:04,283
[in ditzy voice, Brooklyn accent]
Hi, Alphonse?
309
00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:06,452
Yeah, it's me, Trixie.
310
00:13:06,535 --> 00:13:08,746
Yeah, so, I was just callin'
311
00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:12,416
to say thanks for a such a lovely evenin'.
312
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:14,543
Yeah, me too.
313
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,421
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
314
00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:20,007
Yeah, so listen, um...
315
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:21,509
Tsk. [sighs]
316
00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:23,844
[audience member coughs]
317
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:27,556
You know, like she's calling
notorious criminal Al Capone
318
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,558
to tell him she gave him syphilis.
319
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:32,353
That's-- That's pretty awkward, right?
320
00:13:32,853 --> 00:13:34,897
Although she was probably a prostitute.
321
00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:37,191
And why you'd give
your phone number to a prostitute...
322
00:13:37,274 --> 00:13:39,151
[chuckling awkwardly]
So-- So what else?
323
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:40,903
[Poovey coughing]
324
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:43,280
You know how pissed off Figgis is gonna be
325
00:13:43,364 --> 00:13:46,033
when he finds out you walked off
with his million-dollar payday?
326
00:13:46,575 --> 00:13:50,621
Roughly the same as if he finds out
about your new Chinese sister-wives?
327
00:13:50,704 --> 00:13:52,289
-[gong bangs]
-[women exclaiming]
328
00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:54,208
Oh, goody.
329
00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:57,086
-[exclaiming continues]
-Another sweater.
330
00:13:57,169 --> 00:14:00,673
[sighs] All right, Archer.
You win this round.
331
00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:03,592
Yeah. I mean, you're handcuffed
to a pipe, so obviously.
332
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,177
Hey, let's go.
333
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:08,013
We'll go when your squad leader
says we'll go.
334
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:10,307
Which is now. Let's go.
335
00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:12,935
Hang on. We still gotta get
our fingerprint cards.
336
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:15,187
Oh, right. Where do they keep them?
337
00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:17,439
Second floor, Room 202.
338
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:18,899
But good luck getting in there without a--
339
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,234
[alarm ringing]
340
00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:22,152
[braying laughter]
341
00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:23,779
A distraction. Nice!
342
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,949
-[Poovey] I was gonna say--
-Ooh! Sprinklers! Nice!
343
00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:29,618
The key, you dickheads!
344
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:32,663
Oh, right. Duh.
345
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,623
Whew! What else?
346
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:37,084
Uh... Oh! Prostitutes and, uh, syphilis.
347
00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:41,088
Okay, so, I heard about a male prostitute
who got syphilis.
348
00:14:41,171 --> 00:14:43,257
Yeah. Apparently, he was fine for a while,
349
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:46,135
but then business kind of dropped off.
350
00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:50,514
Reminds me--
Uh, reminds me of my cousin Eddie.
351
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:53,559
Uh, he goes to see the family doctor.
Doctor says,
352
00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:56,228
[in masculine voice] "Well, I've got
some good news and bad news.
353
00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:59,023
The bad news is, your wife has syphilis."
354
00:14:59,106 --> 00:15:01,984
"My God," Eddie says,
"what's the good news?"
355
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:03,027
Doctor says...
356
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:05,321
[in masculine voice] "Good news is,
she didn't get it from you...
357
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:07,031
[laughs]
358
00:15:07,114 --> 00:15:09,825
...based on this medical examination."
359
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,785
[faint coughing]
360
00:15:12,202 --> 00:15:13,704
All right. Let's see what else I got here.
361
00:15:13,787 --> 00:15:15,748
Uh, syphilis, syphilis,
362
00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:18,417
syphilis, syphilis, syphilis,
syphilis, syphilis...
363
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:21,086
Oh, hey! How 'bout that Taft-Hartley Act?
364
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:22,796
[man] Show us your tits!
365
00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:25,591
I mean...
366
00:15:25,674 --> 00:15:27,885
-Oh, jeez, I'm getting wet!
-[all clamoring]
367
00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:28,886
[Archer]
Will you hurry up?
368
00:15:29,345 --> 00:15:32,348
[Ray] Hang on.
I got everybody's but mine. Uh...
369
00:15:32,681 --> 00:15:35,768
[cackling]
370
00:15:35,851 --> 00:15:38,020
Here it is! Oh, my God.
371
00:15:38,103 --> 00:15:39,730
Oh, it's hilari--
372
00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:41,857
[laughing]
373
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,776
"Phil McCracken."
374
00:15:43,859 --> 00:15:45,778
[continues laughing]
375
00:15:45,861 --> 00:15:47,029
Right?
376
00:15:47,112 --> 00:15:48,572
[siren wailing]
377
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:52,159
What the hell is going on here?
378
00:15:52,242 --> 00:15:55,454
-Uh, do what now?
-I said, what the hell's going on here?
379
00:15:55,537 --> 00:15:58,749
[clears throat]
It's a-- a prisoner-- prisoner transport.
380
00:15:58,832 --> 00:16:01,835
Uh, taking these reefer addicts
over to Newton Street--
381
00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:03,963
-Oh, well--
-...for treatment and counseling.
382
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:05,005
-Nope.
-For what?
383
00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:05,923
Damn it, Floyd.
384
00:16:06,006 --> 00:16:08,342
Floyd? Why did he-- Wait a minute.
385
00:16:08,425 --> 00:16:10,177
What's your badge and unit number?
386
00:16:10,260 --> 00:16:11,303
F-- Four.
387
00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:12,846
What? [grunts]
388
00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:14,974
[goofy laughter]
389
00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:17,059
-Okay, you are just terrifying.
-[Charlotte continues squealing]
390
00:16:17,142 --> 00:16:20,145
Shut it, McCracken.
And "treatment and counseling"?
391
00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:21,730
-Seriously?
-[Floyd] What?
392
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,983
I bet in the long run
it's more economical.
393
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,276
-Just get in the truck.
-[engine starts]
394
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,488
Yeah, I'm getting in the truck
because I choose to get into the truck.
395
00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:31,991
-I--
-Wait! Take me with you.
396
00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:33,909
We are.
397
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:37,329
Oh. Well, then,
I shall thank you to mind your tone.
398
00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:38,414
-[alarm blaring]
-[shouting] What?
399
00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:39,873
-I said--
-[alarm stops]
400
00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:40,916
Oh.
401
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,335
-I said, "Archer got away."
-That son of a--
402
00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:45,295
As did the Vandertunt broad.
403
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:47,006
What? How could you let that happen?
404
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:48,424
There were five of 'em!
405
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:51,176
And I had to check my gun,
obviously, so I--
406
00:16:51,927 --> 00:16:53,262
See you didn't check yours.
407
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:56,223
No. No, there was so much confusion.
408
00:16:56,306 --> 00:16:57,266
Yeah, right?
409
00:16:57,349 --> 00:16:59,476
Right? For instance,
I'm confused about why
410
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:02,688
I don't just go ahead
and shoot you in your stupid fat face.
411
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,565
Well, for one thing-- [gasps]
412
00:17:04,648 --> 00:17:06,066
[Poovey screaming]
No!
413
00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:07,526
-[gunshot]
-[ringing sound]
414
00:17:07,609 --> 00:17:09,319
[Figgis, muted] Okay, you dummy.
So tonight, right now,
415
00:17:09,403 --> 00:17:12,448
you're gonna find the Vandertunt broad,
and you're gonna find Archer.
416
00:17:12,531 --> 00:17:13,991
You're gonna bring her to Trexler's,
417
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:15,325
and you're gonna leave him in some alley
418
00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:16,618
-with a case of lead poisoning...
-Mawp.
419
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,620
-...just like his partner. You got it?
-Mawp, mawp.
420
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:19,872
[ringing ends]
421
00:17:19,955 --> 00:17:22,458
That better have been a long-ass apology.
422
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,418
[Mother]
I'm sorry, what was that?
423
00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:28,338
No, just, if I had more time,
I-- I could really tighten up my set.
424
00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:32,426
Oh, I don't know how you'd improve on
a solid half-hour about syphilis.
425
00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:33,677
-Wait. What?
-Ew.
426
00:17:33,761 --> 00:17:37,681
What I do know is all the refunds I gave
are coming out of your paycheck.
427
00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:39,850
-But--
-You've got a "but"?
428
00:17:39,933 --> 00:17:41,769
-I'll say.
-Zip it, missy.
429
00:17:41,852 --> 00:17:45,439
And, come to think of it, the refunds
will come out of all your paychecks!
430
00:17:45,522 --> 00:17:47,066
-Damn it, Ray!
-That's some bullshit.
431
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:50,611
And I swear to God, if you people
get caught smoking reefers again--
432
00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:53,113
I'm sorry. By "you people," do you mean--
433
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:55,449
Out! All of you, out!
434
00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:57,993
Not so fast, shamus.
435
00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,661
[sighs] Damn it.
436
00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:02,664
Hey, not that it should matter,
but I was a tanker.
437
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,458
761st Tank Battalion.
438
00:18:04,541 --> 00:18:06,251
Wait. Patton's Panthers?
439
00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:08,253
You guys saved our asses at the Bulge.
440
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:09,463
Mm-hmm.
441
00:18:09,546 --> 00:18:11,215
Well, now I feel like an asshole.
442
00:18:11,298 --> 00:18:14,009
Well, can't help you with that.
443
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,470
[Mother]
Archer! And that little chippy of yours.
444
00:18:16,553 --> 00:18:18,639
[laughs]
I beg your pardon?
445
00:18:18,722 --> 00:18:21,058
-Keep it up, and you will.
-Wait. What?
446
00:18:21,141 --> 00:18:24,812
I'm not accustomed to being stood up,
Mr. Archer, and yet once again--
447
00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:26,939
I know, and I'm sorry. It's just--
448
00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:28,857
Well, she isn't just some chippy.
449
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,485
She's actually Charlotte Vandertunt.
450
00:18:31,568 --> 00:18:36,782
I-- You mean, the heiress to the vast
Vandertunt publishing fortune?
451
00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:38,200
-Uh, duh.
-Zerp.
452
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:39,368
Then do tell.
453
00:18:39,451 --> 00:18:42,496
What's a nice heiress like you
doing in a joint like this?
454
00:18:42,579 --> 00:18:43,664
I rescued her.
455
00:18:43,747 --> 00:18:46,750
Len Trexler and that cop Figgis
were gonna kidnap her, so--
456
00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:48,836
How were they going to do that?
457
00:18:48,919 --> 00:18:51,213
Well, nobody knows where she is, so--
458
00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:54,758
I'm trying to escape
a quasi-incestuous family situation.
459
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:56,009
-How--
-A four.
460
00:18:56,093 --> 00:18:57,636
-Eh.
-Yeah, so--
461
00:18:57,719 --> 00:19:02,391
So, presumably, the Vandertunt family
still doesn't know where she is?
462
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:04,560
I mean, don't know how they would.
463
00:19:06,061 --> 00:19:07,271
Excellent.
464
00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:10,440
-[gasps] Oh, shit.
-What?
465
00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:13,527
[Mother]
Well, then, I suggest you wake him.
466
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:17,197
Unless you think Mr. Vandertunt
would rather see his daughter gradually...
467
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:19,658
via the mail.
468
00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:21,326
[squealing excitedly]
469
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:22,494
[tapping floor]
470
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:26,415
[laughs excitedly]
Best... day... ever!
471
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:27,875
[growls]
472
00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:29,543
Right?
473
00:19:30,377 --> 00:19:32,421
[theme music playing]
36000
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