Original subtitles

Ugh. Oh, God. Ugh.

No, forget the glass, Woodhouse, just give me the pitcher.

For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God.

Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails.

Pray for me now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon. Amen.

Uh, perhaps a coddled egg?

No. No eggs, Woodhouse.

Maybe ever again. Some dry toast?

Yeah, or you could skip a step and feed me some vomit.

Not like you to get a hangover, sir.

I don't know what happened. I mean, I kind of remember being at the wake.

Oh, you poor dear.

On behalf of his fellow ISIS agents, please let me be the first to offer my condolences.

And let me be the first to welcome you back into the dating pool.

And/or my new hot tub.

But after that, it's just snippets.

I think I had one more drink there.

Drink, drink, drink!

Then I think I took a cab.

Hang on, wait! Let me see some hands!

Who wants chicken and waffles?

How did we bring food in here?

Oh. And also, did we lose some people?

Lana and Cyril bailed.

Trifling bitches.

Here. Unless you're a trifling bitch too.

Oh. Oh!

What did I just put inside me?

Green Russians. It's absinthe and milk.

Sweet shitsnacks, look at those!

Oh, my God! That's right!

It's somewhat coming back to me.

Whoo! I'm Pacman Jones! Come home with me.

Plus, my valet will give you some heroin.

Thankfully, I didn't have to share.

But she did, she came home with me.

I remember. I mean, Green Russians, it's fuzzy. I don't remember this.

But I do remember her being the best sex I've ever had in my life.

Uh... Shut up.

And that includes Europe, Lana, my Brazilian au pair.

No woman has ever made me... Oh, shit!

Sir? Phone number! Matchbook!

I don't know her name, where she works. Woodhouse, how am I gonna find her?

Um, mm. You might check the loo.

What, here? Why didn't you say so? Ow.

Ow!

Ow, ow, ow.

Uh, so... Hey, hi.

I'm, uh, Sterling Archer. You may remember me from the strip club...

...and hopefully also from what was hands down the most incredible sex...

...that I personally have ever had.

Uh, hello?

Oh, right, so, uh, I know, uh, we had an implied oral agreement about heroin, but...

Heroin! That's the last fricking thing I need.

I'm bound up tighter than dick's hatband.

No, no, no, not... Wait, were you?

Did... Did we? Yeah, we did. And you loved it!

No, I'm sorry, I can't...

Okay, jeez, I get it!

Well, you say that, but I worry that you think I'm exaggerating when I say...

That I was the best sex you ever had? No.

That if anybody ever finds out about it, I will literally...

Pam, look at me. I will literally murder you.

Not literally. Yes, literally.

You will wake up in three separate 50-gallon drums.

That's 150 gallons...

...of Pam's hot, dirty, ball-slappiney...

Oh, God! Come at me, bro!

How you gonna keep 'em Down on the farm

After they seen Pam-ee?

Yeah, how are you gonna...

I mean, my God, you can't. That was just...

Disgusting!

And I hoped I would never have to say this...

...but you finally topped your 10th grade sports banquet.

I... Okay, first of all, Mrs. Coach Mumford came on to me.

And second of all... What are we talking about?

Hitting on your dead colleague's widow...

...at his own wake! Oh, that.

Okay, so... So help me God, Sterling...

...sometimes I think that I've failed as a mother.

Sometimes? Oh, shut up.

And the last thing you need is another drink.

Ugh. Seriously, how can you be drinking after last night?

How can you not? Because I don't have a problem.

Well, I do.

First step's admitting it, Mother.

- Not with drinking! - Uh...

My problem, besides your snide remarks, is Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB.

And also possibly Archer's father.

What? How do you know about that?

Because I'm part of everybody. Damn that blabbermouthing Pam!

Why, what did she say?

Besides the stuff about Jakov, which obviously is what you meant, so...

So Nikolai has been dropping hints that he may want to defect.

What? That's awesome.

I think you mean "awful."

Uh, ISIS getting an inside look at every single KGB operation in the world?

And that's awful how?

Because he thinks he's going to move in with me!

Me, who happens to be in a relationship with Burt Reynolds, in case you've forgotten?

I actually did forget that. Yeah, I never see you together.

Are you like dating, or? It's...

...complicated.

What with our work schedules and...

...work, it's hard to find time for actual dates.

But you do see one another?

Well, yes, of course, but... But never in public, right?

Only at your place, or maybe a hotel, or...

Or on the dirty floor in the elevator?

What? Pam!

Get your bloated carcass... Out! I got it, I'm on this, I got it!

How did she know about the elevator?

I... Ew. Burt made sure I erased the security tape.

You don't think Burt's ashamed to be seen with me?

Lana? I'm sorry?

Well, I'm sorry, but if anybody ever found out, I would die of shame.

Well, how do you think that makes me feel?

I don't care, Pam.

Having said that, would you please come in this dirty toilet stall and have sex with me?

Oh, all right.

But this time, get in there. All you've been doing is giving one side hell.

Well, when you put it like that, it sounds kind of shitty.

Thirty years of my life I give to the KGB...

...and now you, this traitorous cyborg...

...are sitting at my desk?

How would you put it? Heh, heh.

Yeah, you really got cornholed, huh?

Wait, don't answer yet, because I'm also reassigning you to Siberia.

Siberia?

Well, Barry can't have you moping around here, you know...

...sowing the discontent.

Is bad for morale.

Et tu, Brute?

Et me, buddy. Ah!

Dress in layers.

And don't even think about doing anything crazy like defecting.

I would never defect! I love mother Russia!

Even when you're chopping through the ice in the toilet so you can poop?

I'm kidding, obviously.

I mean, you're gonna be like 600 miles from a toilet.

Sorry, had to go to the bathroom. Nothing unusual, just, uh, you know...

...normal bodily waste excretion.

If you're quite finished... Damn near.

Then go home, sober up, and make sure your apartment is secure.

Um, why? To all three of those.

Because if and when Nikolai shows up here, he's not staying at my place.

Well, he's not staying with me.

Then go prep the safe house.

Because you can bet every KGB agent and freelance assassin...

...this side of Berlin will be hunting him down like a dog.

Who hunts dogs?

Orientals! Duh.

So when you say you assume Jakov got on that train to Siberia...

...you know what you're doing? I make you ass.

And Barry doesn't like!

Being made an ass, he really doesn't.

And as you can... Well, it's over there now...

...but the telex from the Siberia desk says Jakov never showed up.

Now, why do you think that might be? Um...

Thank you, Boris.

I won't forget this!

I promised myself I don't cry.

Promise broken.

Hey, what was that?

Allergies. To what, making sure people get on trains?

Aw, nice one, other Barry.

Now Jakov's got a 12-hour head start...

...and the details of every single KGB operation on the globe in his fat, combed-over head.

Ah. And you have no idea where he went.

Well, I assume he's in New York with those shit-bitching-ass-bastard Archers.

But... I can assume!

You're already an ass.

Contact our sleeper in New York and then cancel all my meetings this week...

...because I will also be in New York.

Murdering people.

Uh, don't take this the wrong way...

...but I pictured you having nicer apartment.

Ha-ha-ha! Why that is funny?

Hmm? Oh, no, sorry. There's a funny "Marmaduke" on the fridge.

A what? This is actually, ahem, the ISIS safe house.

Cheers! Safe house?

But Malory, I assumed... Which you shouldn't have.

What, you thought you'd just show up out of the blue and we'd move in together?

Pretty much, yeah.

Nikolai, it's not that I don't...

Am not very fond of you. I mean, we have such history together, and...

And maybe a son.

Mm...

Maybe. But... But, so, where is he?

Good question.

He was supposed to prep this dump. And didn't.

And now he's supposed to be here for guard duty.

And isn't. Uh...

Hi. Lana Kane. You must be Major Jakov, such a pleasure.

Be a lamb and take those to the kitchen.

So I think I speak for all of us when I say...

...we shouldn't be the only ones guarding your maybe-baby-daddy.

I can't believe you all know about that.

Wow, ha, ha, that is big dog!

Marmaduke. And regardless of any personal ties...

...I may have with Nikolai, he's an invaluable asset and we have to protect him.

I mean, you know, at least until he's been debriefed.

And then? What, he's on his own?

Ahem. Wow.

I'm serious, you are literally draining the life out of me.

Come on, you make me sound like some kind of chupacabra, but for dicks.

Heh. A terrifying yet accurate comparison. Where'd you learn all that stuff?

You know I grew up on a farm, right?

Really hoping that's not relevant.

Ms. Kane and your mother. Hooray.

Okay, I gotta bounce. Later, taters!

Lana, listen, if this is a booty call, I'm flattered, but...

Oh, my God.

You're supposed to be guarding Nikolai!

Yeah, so, uh, about that, I mean, don't you think that's gonna be kind of...

...um, awkward? I actually think it's kind of sweet.

Uh, little help? No, you're good.

The camera's set up for debriefing and one of us will relieve you in eight hours.

Wait, where are you guys going?

Uh, a town called work.

Neutralizing a KGB sleeper in Brooklyn, thanks to this intel from the major.

It was least I could do.

Since otherwise he'd kill you?

Is win-win. Is it?

So... Yeah?

Sterling. Yeah?

Is long time.

Yeah, when was, uh?

Oh, I guess when I was in the dreaded Lubyanka...

...with jumper cables clamped to my balls!

So, da, this is a little awkward.

Yeah.

Maybe some shots? Yeah, let's try that.

Any time now.

Cyril. Cyril!

Lana, I, uh... I don't think I'm cut out for this.

Well, don't take this the wrong way, but neither does anyone else.

Just pretend he's like a rabid dog.

Oh, God, just like Old Yeller.

Yeah, if Old Yeller had a big stack of KGB codebooks...

...and fif... Forty thousand bucks in a floor safe.

And was also identified as a sleeper agent by the head of the KGB.

- Who, Barry? - What?

White? You guys like smooth R&B?

Duh. Are you telling me Barry...

..."The Bionic Douche Bag" Dillon is running the KGB?

Only if I can defect too.

Because that dude is out of his damn mind.

I'm listening. He's crazy!

I mean, he's smart, way smarter than Jakov, but...

Oh, and you can bet Jakov's intel is bad.

Really? This isn't your kneecap?

Don't you get it?

Barry gave me up so you'd trust Jakov on the rest.

He knew Jakov wanted to defect, so... So he's been feeding him fake intel?

I mean, I assume.

Because Barry's got a master plan...

...which when you hear it, will probably make your head explo...

- Jesus! - Jesus!

Ahem, Cyril? I'm sorry.

Yes. Yes, you are.

Is I who am sorry.

I should have been there for you.

Shut up, don't do that. I mean, what were you gonna do, marry my mother?

Have you met her? Ow!

Don't you ever disrespect her.

You're not my dad!

How would you know? I know, right?

But I have to say, you don't look like me.

And don't take this the wrong way, but thank Christ!

Ha, ha... Ow!

Watch it, you dumb idiot!

Oh, man, I'm so sorry.

Here, let me get you... Oh, my God, Cheryl!

Barry? Wow, I was hoping I'd bump into you.

Wait, really? And darn if I didn't, literally.

You... Wait a minute, why am I thinking you live in, like, Russia?

Maybe the tracksuit?

Duh. Right. Which by the way, you are totally rocking.

Oh, that's just my huge muscles.

Oh, ha, ha.

So tell me, how strong are you?

Insanely. Wanna get out of here?

Oh, my God, totally, but it has to be your place because mine reeks of ocelot piss.

I have no response to that. Doesn't merit one.

And my place is currently flooding, so... Hotel.

Damn, no money. Tracksuit, no pockets.

Damn it! I know, it's the one single drawback.

Wait, doesn't ISIS have a safe house?

Yeah, but you have to promise that all that horrific stuff...

...I think I remember about you is just false memories.

I... Because I get those a lot.

Cross the microchip in my heart.

And don't get all girly on me. Check!

Hold the door! Hold the door!

Heading out?

No, I thought I'd just take all my things for a ride on the elevator.

Okay. I actually have a date.

With Burt Reynolds. We're watching Gator.

Your place?

Well, if we go out, you know, he's just mobbed, so...

So it's a DVD, a box of wine, some Hot Pockets, and off to bed.

No! Well, it's not a box of wine.

Pam, let me ask you something.

How can you just leave me here?

Mainly because I have an incredibly addictive personality.

So just debrief yourself with the camera, and when I get back...

...we'll talk about the DNA test thing if, you know, you're still into doing that.

Of course I am still into that.

But in meantime, you think I will be safe?

God, what's Russian for "duh"?

It's a safe house. Nobody knows where it is.

- Well, here it is. - Neat.

Can I see your neck a minute? Oh, Barry.

Barry? Barry. Barry.

Barry!

My point is, if you're confident in yourself as a woman...

...who cares if he wants to keep it on the D. L?

Well, yes, but... But nothing!

Because who's to say you're not using him for sex?

Pam, don't take this the wrong way...

...but you're not nearly as stupid as you look. Okay.

- Archer, don't talk, just listen. - Why, what's up? What do...

Jakov's intel is bad and Barry's got some sort of master plan that we're clueless about...

...thanks to Cyril. Who has apologized profusely...

Quiet game! We're gonna regroup at the safe house...

...and try to figure out...

Goddamn it. What?

Wait for it.

Leave it!

Da, da, keep your shirt on.

Barry doesn't wear a shirt.

Ruins Barry's whole tracksuit vibe.

I swear to God, if he put as much effort into his job...

...as he does into those idiot voicemails...

And you say you got this from a KGB sleeper?

Right before Cyril blew his head off. What?

You son of bitch, you actually think you'll get away with this?

Obviously. Why else would I do it?

Who knows with you? You're crazy.

Am I?!

Ha, ha. I mean, between Archer ruining my life...

...and you dicks turning me into a cyborg, I'm kind of amazed I'm even this sane.

Which is obviously a relative term, but... Uh, what are you doing?

Rationalizing my behavior.

With gas. Oh.

Oh, killing you. Oh.

Ha, ha. Oh, Marmaduke.

Ah. And gas is not so bad way to die.

Well, again, relative term.

And afterward, if Sterling want, he can still get some DNA from my body...

...and find out if I am his real father.

Which I'm sure would provide him with some much-needed closure...

...which is why it's not gonna happen.

Uh, why, what is that?

This, glad you asked, is a block of ice with a fork frozen in it.

What are you doing with it?

I am putting this fork-filled block of ice in this microwave oven.

Now I'm setting the timer for five... Oh, heck, let's call it 10 minutes.

Doesn't matter, ice can't tell time.

It can only melt. And when it does...

Spark from fork, gas from stove... Boom.

And no DNA left for papa test. Nope.

Just uncertainty and doubt.

Which hopefully, over time, will eventually drive Archer insane.

And this, this is your master plan? Huh? Heh.

Oh, no, no. No, this is a whole other awesome thing.

This is just a goof. Later, tater.

Sterling, if by some miracle, this video tape survives the explosion...

...there is something very important I want you to know.

First thing is, your shitter's clogged.

Don't care, can't feel my legs.

Second thing is, if you want me to keep doing you dirty on the down-low...

Yes, yes, yes.

Then we are gonna have some ground rules. To wit!

Barry? Was here?

Yeah, but she says he took off after he... Here, you tell her.

So Barry brought me here... How did he know where "here" was?

No idea, but then he strangled me, which at first was hot.

He is, like, super strong, but then I was, like, floating toward this really bright light...

...and some guy with a beard. Jesus Christ!

Or Richie Havens. Nikolai!

And so, Sterling...

...remember, things are not always what they appear.

Hello? Hello?

Oh, for... Mother, this isn't voicemail.

Mother, come on.

The time is exactly 7:16, and I wish they were...

...but even my voicemail pranks aren't that elaborate.

Mother! Sterling?

Leave it. Just kidding.

Sterling, it's me.

Duh. Where are you? What's all that?

Uh-huh.

Okay. Yeah.

What's up? That was, uh... My, uh...

The man who might've been my father...

...just died.

Awkward.

And it's all my fault because instead of doing my job, I was here...

...half-drunk and having amazing sex.

Well, I wouldn't say amazing.

What? Come on, you were pushing rope!