Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:05,338
Ugh. Oh, God. Ugh.
2
00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:08,675
No, forget the glass, Woodhouse,
just give me the pitcher.
3
00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:11,761
For I am a sinner
in the hands of an angry God.
4
00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:15,223
Bloody Mary, full of vodka,
blessed are you among cocktails.
5
00:00:15,391 --> 00:00:20,603
Pray for me now and at the hour of my death,
which I hope is soon. Amen.
6
00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:24,774
Uh, perhaps a coddled egg?
7
00:00:26,110 --> 00:00:27,819
No. No eggs, Woodhouse.
8
00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:30,530
Maybe ever again.
Some dry toast?
9
00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:33,241
Yeah, or you could skip a step
and feed me some vomit.
10
00:00:33,409 --> 00:00:35,785
Not like you to get a hangover, sir.
11
00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:39,580
I don't know what happened. I mean,
I kind of remember being at the wake.
12
00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:43,126
Oh, you poor dear.
13
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:48,423
On behalf of his fellow ISIS agents, please
let me be the first to offer my condolences.
14
00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:53,261
And let me be the first
to welcome you back into the dating pool.
15
00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:56,639
And/or my new hot tub.
16
00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:58,725
But after that, it's just snippets.
17
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,935
I think I had one more drink there.
18
00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:02,562
Drink, drink, drink!
19
00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:04,814
Then I think I took a cab.
20
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:08,651
Hang on, wait! Let me see some hands!
21
00:01:09,153 --> 00:01:11,571
Who wants chicken and waffles?
22
00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:14,198
How did we bring food in here?
23
00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:16,909
Oh. And also, did we lose some people?
24
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,995
Lana and Cyril bailed.
25
00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:20,705
Trifling bitches.
26
00:01:20,873 --> 00:01:24,000
Here. Unless you're a trifling bitch too.
27
00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:25,710
Oh. Oh!
28
00:01:25,878 --> 00:01:27,795
What did I just put inside me?
29
00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:31,132
Green Russians.
It's absinthe and milk.
30
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:34,677
Sweet shitsnacks, look at those!
31
00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:37,847
Oh, my God! That's right!
32
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:41,017
It's somewhat coming back to me.
33
00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:44,937
Whoo! I'm Pacman Jones!
Come home with me.
34
00:01:45,189 --> 00:01:48,191
Plus, my valet will give you some heroin.
35
00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:50,777
Thankfully, I didn't have to share.
36
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,653
But she did, she came home with me.
37
00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:56,616
I remember. I mean, Green Russians,
it's fuzzy. I don't remember this.
38
00:01:56,784 --> 00:02:00,161
But I do remember her being
the best sex I've ever had in my life.
39
00:02:00,329 --> 00:02:01,370
Uh...
Shut up.
40
00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:04,832
And that includes Europe, Lana,
my Brazilian au pair.
41
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,044
No woman has ever made me... Oh, shit!
42
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:10,046
Sir?
Phone number! Matchbook!
43
00:02:10,214 --> 00:02:13,758
I don't know her name, where she works.
Woodhouse, how am I gonna find her?
44
00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:16,886
Um, mm. You might check the loo.
45
00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,514
What, here? Why didn't you say so?
Ow.
46
00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:21,641
Ow!
47
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:24,727
Ow, ow, ow.
48
00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:28,272
Uh, so... Hey, hi.
49
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:32,902
I'm, uh, Sterling Archer.
You may remember me from the strip club...
50
00:02:33,070 --> 00:02:36,531
...and hopefully also from what was
hands down the most incredible sex...
51
00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,574
...that I personally have ever had.
52
00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:40,535
Uh, hello?
53
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:46,499
Oh, right, so, uh, I know, uh, we had an
implied oral agreement about heroin, but...
54
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:50,878
Heroin! That's the last fricking thing I need.
55
00:02:52,256 --> 00:02:54,423
I'm bound up tighter than dick's hatband.
56
00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:57,593
No, no, no, not... Wait, were you?
57
00:02:57,761 --> 00:03:01,389
Did... Did we?
Yeah, we did. And you loved it!
58
00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,058
No, I'm sorry, I can't...
59
00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:43,723
Okay, jeez, I get it!
60
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:47,393
Well, you say that, but I worry that
you think I'm exaggerating when I say...
61
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:51,063
That I was the best sex you ever had?
No.
62
00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:54,984
That if anybody ever finds out about it,
I will literally...
63
00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:57,862
Pam, look at me. I will literally murder you.
64
00:03:58,030 --> 00:04:00,406
Not literally.
Yes, literally.
65
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:03,409
You will wake up
in three separate 50-gallon drums.
66
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,870
That's 150 gallons...
67
00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:09,999
...of Pam's hot, dirty, ball-slappiney...
68
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,960
Oh, God!
Come at me, bro!
69
00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:17,673
How you gonna keep 'em
Down on the farm
70
00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:20,635
After they seen Pam-ee?
71
00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:22,011
Yeah, how are you gonna...
72
00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:26,349
I mean, my God, you can't.
That was just...
73
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:27,642
Disgusting!
74
00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,936
And I hoped I would never have to say this...
75
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,897
...but you finally topped
your 10th grade sports banquet.
76
00:04:33,065 --> 00:04:37,109
I... Okay, first of all,
Mrs. Coach Mumford came on to me.
77
00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:39,654
And second of all...
What are we talking about?
78
00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:42,073
Hitting on your dead colleague's widow...
79
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,659
...at his own wake!
Oh, that.
80
00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:47,161
Okay, so...
So help me God, Sterling...
81
00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:50,498
...sometimes I think that
I've failed as a mother.
82
00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:52,333
Sometimes?
Oh, shut up.
83
00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:54,877
And the last thing you need
is another drink.
84
00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:58,339
Ugh. Seriously, how can you be drinking
after last night?
85
00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:00,800
How can you not?
Because I don't have a problem.
86
00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:03,469
Well, I do.
87
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:05,721
First step's admitting it, Mother.
88
00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:07,807
- Not with drinking!
- Uh...
89
00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:13,562
My problem, besides your snide remarks,
is Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB.
90
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,523
And also possibly Archer's father.
91
00:05:15,691 --> 00:05:17,316
What?
How do you know about that?
92
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:20,903
Because I'm part of everybody.
Damn that blabbermouthing Pam!
93
00:05:21,071 --> 00:05:22,822
Why, what did she say?
94
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:26,826
Besides the stuff about Jakov,
which obviously is what you meant, so...
95
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:30,329
So Nikolai has been dropping hints
that he may want to defect.
96
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:31,706
What?
That's awesome.
97
00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:33,416
I think you mean "awful."
98
00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:37,712
Uh, ISIS getting an inside look
at every single KGB operation in the world?
99
00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:38,921
And that's awful how?
100
00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:41,757
Because he thinks
he's going to move in with me!
101
00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:47,013
Me, who happens to be in a relationship
with Burt Reynolds, in case you've forgotten?
102
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:50,307
I actually did forget that.
Yeah, I never see you together.
103
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,393
Are you like dating, or?
It's...
104
00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:53,602
...complicated.
105
00:05:53,770 --> 00:05:56,230
What with our work schedules and...
106
00:05:56,398 --> 00:05:59,734
...work, it's hard to find time
for actual dates.
107
00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:01,944
But you do see one another?
108
00:06:02,112 --> 00:06:04,780
Well, yes, of course, but...
But never in public, right?
109
00:06:04,948 --> 00:06:07,700
Only at your place, or maybe a hotel, or...
110
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,161
Or on the dirty floor in the elevator?
111
00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:11,787
What? Pam!
112
00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:16,375
Get your bloated carcass...
Out! I got it, I'm on this, I got it!
113
00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:18,419
How did she know about the elevator?
114
00:06:18,587 --> 00:06:22,298
I... Ew.
Burt made sure I erased the security tape.
115
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,677
You don't think Burt's ashamed
to be seen with me?
116
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,430
Lana?
I'm sorry?
117
00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:33,017
Well, I'm sorry, but if anybody ever found out,
I would die of shame.
118
00:06:33,185 --> 00:06:35,853
Well, how do you think that makes me feel?
119
00:06:36,021 --> 00:06:37,897
I don't care, Pam.
120
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:42,151
Having said that, would you please come
in this dirty toilet stall and have sex with me?
121
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,820
Oh, all right.
122
00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:48,824
But this time, get in there.
All you've been doing is giving one side hell.
123
00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:51,702
Well, when you put it like that,
it sounds kind of shitty.
124
00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:55,664
Thirty years of my life I give to the KGB...
125
00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:59,460
...and now you,
this traitorous cyborg...
126
00:06:59,628 --> 00:07:01,295
...are sitting at my desk?
127
00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:02,838
How would you put it?
Heh, heh.
128
00:07:03,006 --> 00:07:05,382
Yeah, you really got cornholed, huh?
129
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:09,178
Wait, don't answer yet,
because I'm also reassigning you to Siberia.
130
00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:10,513
Siberia?
131
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:13,432
Well, Barry can't have you
moping around here, you know...
132
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:14,934
...sowing the discontent.
133
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:16,477
Is bad for morale.
134
00:07:16,645 --> 00:07:18,145
Et tu, Brute?
135
00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:19,730
Et me, buddy.
Ah!
136
00:07:19,898 --> 00:07:22,483
Dress in layers.
137
00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:26,862
And don't even think about
doing anything crazy like defecting.
138
00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:30,157
I would never defect! I love mother Russia!
139
00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:33,702
Even when you're chopping through the ice
in the toilet so you can poop?
140
00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:35,204
I'm kidding, obviously.
141
00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:38,374
I mean, you're gonna be like
600 miles from a toilet.
142
00:07:38,708 --> 00:07:41,836
Sorry, had to go to the bathroom.
Nothing unusual, just, uh, you know...
143
00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:44,505
...normal bodily waste excretion.
144
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:47,216
If you're quite finished...
Damn near.
145
00:07:47,384 --> 00:07:50,553
Then go home, sober up,
and make sure your apartment is secure.
146
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,055
Um, why? To all three of those.
147
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:57,351
Because if and when Nikolai shows up here,
he's not staying at my place.
148
00:07:57,519 --> 00:07:58,978
Well, he's not staying with me.
149
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,729
Then go prep the safe house.
150
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:04,692
Because you can bet every KGB agent
and freelance assassin...
151
00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:08,237
...this side of Berlin
will be hunting him down like a dog.
152
00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,197
Who hunts dogs?
153
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,992
Orientals! Duh.
154
00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:20,416
So when you say you assume Jakov
got on that train to Siberia...
155
00:08:20,584 --> 00:08:22,751
...you know what you're doing?
I make you ass.
156
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:24,795
And Barry doesn't like!
157
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:28,591
Being made an ass, he really doesn't.
158
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:31,427
And as you can...
Well, it's over there now...
159
00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:35,097
...but the telex from the Siberia desk
says Jakov never showed up.
160
00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:38,684
Now, why do you think that might be?
Um...
161
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,269
Thank you, Boris.
162
00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:42,605
I won't forget this!
163
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:45,816
I promised myself I don't cry.
164
00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:47,318
Promise broken.
165
00:08:47,903 --> 00:08:49,945
Hey, what was that?
166
00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:53,574
Allergies.
To what, making sure people get on trains?
167
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,286
Aw, nice one, other Barry.
168
00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:59,872
Now Jakov's got a 12-hour head start...
169
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:05,127
...and the details of every single KGB operation
on the globe in his fat, combed-over head.
170
00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:07,963
Ah. And you have no idea where he went.
171
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:11,842
Well, I assume he's in New York
with those shit-bitching-ass-bastard Archers.
172
00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:13,427
But...
I can assume!
173
00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:15,346
You're already an ass.
174
00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:19,475
Contact our sleeper in New York
and then cancel all my meetings this week...
175
00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:21,894
...because I will also be in New York.
176
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,646
Murdering people.
177
00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:26,357
Uh, don't take this the wrong way...
178
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:29,318
...but I pictured you having nicer apartment.
179
00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:32,613
Ha-ha-ha!
Why that is funny?
180
00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:36,492
Hmm? Oh, no, sorry.
There's a funny "Marmaduke" on the fridge.
181
00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:41,080
A what?
This is actually, ahem, the ISIS safe house.
182
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:42,998
Cheers!
Safe house?
183
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:46,502
But Malory, I assumed...
Which you shouldn't have.
184
00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:50,381
What, you thought you'd just show up
out of the blue and we'd move in together?
185
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,007
Pretty much, yeah.
186
00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:55,344
Nikolai, it's not that I don't...
187
00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:59,640
Am not very fond of you.
I mean, we have such history together, and...
188
00:09:59,808 --> 00:10:01,558
And maybe a son.
189
00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:03,227
Mm...
190
00:10:03,395 --> 00:10:07,147
Maybe. But...
But, so, where is he?
191
00:10:07,315 --> 00:10:08,524
Good question.
192
00:10:08,692 --> 00:10:10,859
He was supposed to prep this dump.
And didn't.
193
00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:13,237
And now he's supposed to be here
for guard duty.
194
00:10:13,405 --> 00:10:14,822
And isn't.
Uh...
195
00:10:14,990 --> 00:10:17,866
Hi. Lana Kane. You must be Major Jakov,
such a pleasure.
196
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:20,619
Be a lamb and take those to the kitchen.
197
00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:23,080
So I think I speak for all of us when I say...
198
00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:26,292
...we shouldn't be the only ones guarding
your maybe-baby-daddy.
199
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,419
I can't believe you all know about that.
200
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:31,964
Wow, ha, ha, that is big dog!
201
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,717
Marmaduke.
And regardless of any personal ties...
202
00:10:34,884 --> 00:10:38,971
...I may have with Nikolai, he's an invaluable
asset and we have to protect him.
203
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:42,391
I mean, you know,
at least until he's been debriefed.
204
00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:44,560
And then? What, he's on his own?
205
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:47,563
Ahem.
Wow.
206
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:50,733
I'm serious,
you are literally draining the life out of me.
207
00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:55,362
Come on, you make me sound like
some kind of chupacabra, but for dicks.
208
00:10:55,530 --> 00:11:00,242
Heh. A terrifying yet accurate comparison.
Where'd you learn all that stuff?
209
00:11:00,410 --> 00:11:02,953
You know I grew up on a farm, right?
210
00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:05,456
Really hoping that's not relevant.
211
00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:08,417
Ms. Kane and your mother.
Hooray.
212
00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:10,878
Okay, I gotta bounce. Later, taters!
213
00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:13,797
Lana, listen, if this is a booty call,
I'm flattered, but...
214
00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:15,090
Oh, my God.
215
00:11:15,258 --> 00:11:16,884
You're supposed to be guarding Nikolai!
216
00:11:17,052 --> 00:11:20,929
Yeah, so, uh, about that, I mean,
don't you think that's gonna be kind of...
217
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,976
...um, awkward?
I actually think it's kind of sweet.
218
00:11:26,144 --> 00:11:27,770
Uh, little help?
No, you're good.
219
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:31,815
The camera's set up for debriefing
and one of us will relieve you in eight hours.
220
00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:33,484
Wait, where are you guys going?
221
00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:34,860
Uh, a town called work.
222
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:38,614
Neutralizing a KGB sleeper in Brooklyn,
thanks to this intel from the major.
223
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,949
It was least I could do.
224
00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:42,659
Since otherwise he'd kill you?
225
00:11:42,869 --> 00:11:45,913
Is win-win.
Is it?
226
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:51,418
So...
Yeah?
227
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,962
Sterling.
Yeah?
228
00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:55,589
Is long time.
229
00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:57,383
Yeah, when was, uh?
230
00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:00,552
Oh, I guess when I was
in the dreaded Lubyanka...
231
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,680
...with jumper cables clamped to my balls!
232
00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:08,936
So, da, this is a little awkward.
233
00:12:09,104 --> 00:12:10,187
Yeah.
234
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:12,523
Maybe some shots?
Yeah, let's try that.
235
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,150
Any time now.
236
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,362
Cyril. Cyril!
237
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:22,908
Lana, I, uh...
I don't think I'm cut out for this.
238
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:26,328
Well, don't take this the wrong way,
but neither does anyone else.
239
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,122
Just pretend he's like a rabid dog.
240
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,165
Oh, God, just like Old Yeller.
241
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:33,210
Yeah, if Old Yeller had a big stack
of KGB codebooks...
242
00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:36,338
...and fif...
Forty thousand bucks in a floor safe.
243
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:40,008
And was also identified as a sleeper agent
by the head of the KGB.
244
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:41,510
- Who, Barry?
- What?
245
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:43,512
White? You guys like smooth R&B?
246
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,764
Duh.
Are you telling me Barry...
247
00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:50,144
..."The Bionic Douche Bag" Dillon
is running the KGB?
248
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,603
Only if I can defect too.
249
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:54,356
Because that dude is out of his damn mind.
250
00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:57,025
I'm listening.
He's crazy!
251
00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:59,528
I mean, he's smart,
way smarter than Jakov, but...
252
00:12:59,696 --> 00:13:02,489
Oh, and you can bet Jakov's intel is bad.
253
00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:04,491
Really? This isn't your kneecap?
254
00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:05,701
Don't you get it?
255
00:13:05,869 --> 00:13:08,620
Barry gave me up
so you'd trust Jakov on the rest.
256
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:13,041
He knew Jakov wanted to defect, so...
So he's been feeding him fake intel?
257
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:14,251
I mean, I assume.
258
00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:16,128
Because Barry's got a master plan...
259
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:19,631
...which when you hear it,
will probably make your head explo...
260
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,216
- Jesus!
- Jesus!
261
00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:24,219
Ahem, Cyril?
I'm sorry.
262
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:26,555
Yes. Yes, you are.
263
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:29,683
Is I who am sorry.
264
00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:32,186
I should have been there for you.
265
00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:37,733
Shut up, don't do that. I mean,
what were you gonna do, marry my mother?
266
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,234
Have you met her? Ow!
267
00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:43,030
Don't you ever disrespect her.
268
00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:45,240
You're not my dad!
269
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:53,207
How would you know?
I know, right?
270
00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:57,252
But I have to say, you don't look like me.
271
00:13:57,420 --> 00:14:00,631
And don't take this the wrong way,
but thank Christ!
272
00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:02,257
Ha, ha... Ow!
273
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,051
Watch it, you dumb idiot!
274
00:14:04,219 --> 00:14:05,594
Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
275
00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:08,555
Here, let me get you... Oh, my God, Cheryl!
276
00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:12,309
Barry?
Wow, I was hoping I'd bump into you.
277
00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:15,771
Wait, really?
And darn if I didn't, literally.
278
00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:19,107
You... Wait a minute,
why am I thinking you live in, like, Russia?
279
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:21,109
Maybe the tracksuit?
280
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:24,071
Duh. Right. Which by the way,
you are totally rocking.
281
00:14:24,322 --> 00:14:26,281
Oh, that's just my huge muscles.
282
00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:28,408
Oh, ha, ha.
283
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:31,411
So tell me, how strong are you?
284
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,580
Insanely. Wanna get out of here?
285
00:14:33,748 --> 00:14:37,793
Oh, my God, totally, but it has to be your place
because mine reeks of ocelot piss.
286
00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:40,837
I have no response to that.
Doesn't merit one.
287
00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:44,967
And my place is currently flooding, so...
Hotel.
288
00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:48,178
Damn, no money. Tracksuit, no pockets.
289
00:14:48,346 --> 00:14:51,306
Damn it!
I know, it's the one single drawback.
290
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:54,268
Wait, doesn't ISIS have a safe house?
291
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:57,312
Yeah, but you have to promise
that all that horrific stuff...
292
00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,148
...I think I remember about you
is just false memories.
293
00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:02,192
I...
Because I get those a lot.
294
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,903
Cross the microchip in my heart.
295
00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:08,448
And don't get all girly on me. Check!
296
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:13,287
Hold the door! Hold the door!
297
00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:14,788
Heading out?
298
00:15:14,998 --> 00:15:18,292
No, I thought I'd just take all my things
for a ride on the elevator.
299
00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:21,003
Okay.
I actually have a date.
300
00:15:21,170 --> 00:15:22,421
With Burt Reynolds. We're watching Gator.
301
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,465
Your place?
302
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,260
Well, if we go out, you know,
he's just mobbed, so...
303
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:32,389
So it's a DVD, a box of wine,
some Hot Pockets, and off to bed.
304
00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:35,434
No! Well, it's not a box of wine.
305
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:38,854
Pam, let me ask you something.
306
00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:41,607
How can you just leave me here?
307
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:45,152
Mainly because
I have an incredibly addictive personality.
308
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,322
So just debrief yourself with the camera,
and when I get back...
309
00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:52,409
...we'll talk about the DNA test thing
if, you know, you're still into doing that.
310
00:15:52,577 --> 00:15:55,037
Of course I am still into that.
311
00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:58,498
But in meantime, you think I will be safe?
312
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,375
God, what's Russian for "duh"?
313
00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:03,170
It's a safe house.
Nobody knows where it is.
314
00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:05,547
- Well, here it is.
- Neat.
315
00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:10,052
Can I see your neck a minute?
Oh, Barry.
316
00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:13,430
Barry? Barry. Barry.
317
00:16:14,891 --> 00:16:17,225
Barry!
318
00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:21,229
My point is, if you're confident
in yourself as a woman...
319
00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:23,607
...who cares if he wants
to keep it on the D. L?
320
00:16:23,775 --> 00:16:26,652
Well, yes, but...
But nothing!
321
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:29,237
Because who's to say
you're not using him for sex?
322
00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:31,948
Pam, don't take this the wrong way...
323
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:35,410
...but you're not nearly as stupid as you look.
Okay.
324
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:40,582
- Archer, don't talk, just listen.
- Why, what's up? What do...
325
00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:44,961
Jakov's intel is bad and Barry's got some sort
of master plan that we're clueless about...
326
00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:47,798
...thanks to Cyril.
Who has apologized profusely...
327
00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:50,425
Quiet game!
We're gonna regroup at the safe house...
328
00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:52,761
...and try to figure out...
329
00:16:52,929 --> 00:16:54,137
Goddamn it.
What?
330
00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:56,098
Wait for it.
331
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,184
Leave it!
332
00:17:02,814 --> 00:17:05,399
Da, da, keep your shirt on.
333
00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:07,442
Barry doesn't wear a shirt.
334
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:12,030
Ruins Barry's whole tracksuit vibe.
335
00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:15,325
I swear to God,
if he put as much effort into his job...
336
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:18,078
...as he does into those idiot voicemails...
337
00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:20,789
And you say you got this from a KGB sleeper?
338
00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:23,583
Right before Cyril blew his head off.
What?
339
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:28,922
You son of bitch,
you actually think you'll get away with this?
340
00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:33,343
Obviously. Why else would I do it?
341
00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:36,138
Who knows with you? You're crazy.
342
00:17:36,305 --> 00:17:37,472
Am I?!
343
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:41,101
Ha, ha.
I mean, between Archer ruining my life...
344
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:45,021
...and you dicks turning me into a cyborg,
I'm kind of amazed I'm even this sane.
345
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:48,650
Which is obviously a relative term, but...
Uh, what are you doing?
346
00:17:48,818 --> 00:17:50,026
Rationalizing my behavior.
347
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,778
With gas.
Oh.
348
00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:54,156
Oh, killing you.
Oh.
349
00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:56,825
Ha, ha. Oh, Marmaduke.
350
00:17:56,993 --> 00:18:00,203
Ah. And gas is not so bad way to die.
351
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,080
Well, again, relative term.
352
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:07,961
And afterward, if Sterling want,
he can still get some DNA from my body...
353
00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:10,505
...and find out if I am his real father.
354
00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:14,176
Which I'm sure would provide him
with some much-needed closure...
355
00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:16,344
...which is why it's not gonna happen.
356
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,472
Uh, why, what is that?
357
00:18:18,639 --> 00:18:22,392
This, glad you asked,
is a block of ice with a fork frozen in it.
358
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,852
What are you doing with it?
359
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:28,857
I am putting this fork-filled block of ice
in this microwave oven.
360
00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:33,862
Now I'm setting the timer for five...
Oh, heck, let's call it 10 minutes.
361
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:36,239
Doesn't matter, ice can't tell time.
362
00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:39,576
It can only melt.
And when it does...
363
00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:44,206
Spark from fork, gas from stove...
Boom.
364
00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:47,751
And no DNA left for papa test.
Nope.
365
00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:49,711
Just uncertainty and doubt.
366
00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:53,215
Which hopefully, over time,
will eventually drive Archer insane.
367
00:18:53,382 --> 00:18:57,844
And this, this is your master plan?
Huh? Heh.
368
00:18:58,012 --> 00:19:00,388
Oh, no, no. No, this is a whole other
awesome thing.
369
00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:03,308
This is just a goof. Later, tater.
370
00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:10,565
Sterling, if by some miracle,
this video tape survives the explosion...
371
00:19:10,733 --> 00:19:13,819
...there is something very important
I want you to know.
372
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,571
First thing is, your shitter's clogged.
373
00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:18,365
Don't care, can't feel my legs.
374
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:22,744
Second thing is, if you want me
to keep doing you dirty on the down-low...
375
00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:25,080
Yes, yes, yes.
376
00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:28,208
Then we are gonna have some ground rules.
To wit!
377
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:30,085
Barry? Was here?
378
00:19:30,253 --> 00:19:33,880
Yeah, but she says he took off after he...
Here, you tell her.
379
00:19:34,048 --> 00:19:38,593
So Barry brought me here...
How did he know where "here" was?
380
00:19:39,971 --> 00:19:43,682
No idea, but then he strangled me,
which at first was hot.
381
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:48,603
He is, like, super strong, but then I was,
like, floating toward this really bright light...
382
00:19:48,771 --> 00:19:51,231
...and some guy with a beard.
Jesus Christ!
383
00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:54,401
Or Richie Havens.
Nikolai!
384
00:19:54,610 --> 00:19:56,862
And so, Sterling...
385
00:19:57,154 --> 00:20:02,784
...remember, things are not always
what they appear.
386
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:09,165
Hello? Hello?
387
00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:11,626
Oh, for... Mother, this isn't voicemail.
388
00:20:12,587 --> 00:20:14,296
Mother, come on.
389
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:18,800
The time is exactly 7:16,
and I wish they were...
390
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:22,262
...but even my voicemail pranks
aren't that elaborate.
391
00:20:22,930 --> 00:20:24,180
Mother!
Sterling?
392
00:20:24,348 --> 00:20:25,724
Leave it. Just kidding.
393
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:27,475
Sterling, it's me.
394
00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:30,312
Duh. Where are you? What's all that?
395
00:20:30,479 --> 00:20:33,523
Uh-huh.
396
00:20:33,691 --> 00:20:36,443
Okay. Yeah.
397
00:20:37,028 --> 00:20:40,280
What's up?
That was, uh... My, uh...
398
00:20:40,448 --> 00:20:44,701
The man who might've been my father...
399
00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:46,828
...just died.
400
00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:48,455
Awkward.
401
00:20:48,623 --> 00:20:54,169
And it's all my fault because
instead of doing my job, I was here...
402
00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:57,589
...half-drunk and having amazing sex.
403
00:20:57,757 --> 00:21:00,175
Well, I wouldn't say amazing.
404
00:21:00,343 --> 00:21:04,012
What? Come on, you were pushing rope!
32311
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof