Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,928 --> 00:00:13,097
And that's your message? My God.
2
00:00:14,516 --> 00:00:16,309
Who...? Who's there?
What do you want?
3
00:00:16,476 --> 00:00:20,522
Because all you're gonna get is holes.
I... I mean, holes in you...
4
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:24,275
...not my... Hah! Sterling?
5
00:00:24,442 --> 00:00:27,362
Hello, Mother.
- Where the hell have you been?
6
00:00:27,529 --> 00:00:31,366
I don't know.
- What...? And why do you have a cleaver?
7
00:00:36,788 --> 00:00:39,165
"Interoffice fraternization
of an intimate nature...
8
00:00:39,332 --> 00:00:41,626
...is prohibited to include
but not limited to...
9
00:00:41,793 --> 00:00:44,796
...trysts, assignations..."
What's this even mean?
10
00:00:44,963 --> 00:00:46,965
It means no more banging coworkers.
11
00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:48,800
Oh, so it doesn't affect you.
12
00:00:48,967 --> 00:00:50,802
Mee-hee. Oh, wait, guess what.
13
00:00:50,969 --> 00:00:53,304
Ow! Hey, this isn't my fault.
14
00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:56,975
It's exactly your fault, idiot. When
Mother found out you cheated on Lana...
15
00:00:57,141 --> 00:01:00,645
Hey, you cheated on Lana plenty.
- Yeah, but with starlets, models.
16
00:01:00,812 --> 00:01:02,981
Oh, and one time,
two actual princesses.
17
00:01:03,147 --> 00:01:05,027
Two at the same time?
- Yeah, they were sisters.
18
00:01:05,149 --> 00:01:08,236
Sploosh.
- Cyril, you threw Lana away on chicks like...
19
00:01:08,403 --> 00:01:10,071
Like Carol.
- It's Cheryl.
20
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:12,699
Exactly, back me up here.
- You slept with her too.
21
00:01:12,865 --> 00:01:16,995
When I was bored. Like, stuck at home
waiting for the cable guy, or... Oh, hey.
22
00:01:17,161 --> 00:01:19,330
What are you doing Thursday
between 9 and noon?
23
00:01:19,497 --> 00:01:20,582
Ugh.
- One and 4?
24
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,834
I'll be doing one
of your co-workers.
25
00:01:23,001 --> 00:01:25,169
Well, do it before
quitting time Friday.
26
00:01:25,336 --> 00:01:27,839
Why'd Ms. Archer give us until Friday...?
- I did that.
27
00:01:28,006 --> 00:01:30,633
Somebody in this building
is gonna have sex with me.
28
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,928
Yeah? You think between now and Friday
you can score some roofies?
29
00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:35,138
Heh-heh-heh.
30
00:01:35,305 --> 00:01:38,641
Uh-uh. Pam?
I will end you.
31
00:01:39,017 --> 00:01:40,310
Ow!
32
00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:43,146
Where the hell is my staple gun?
33
00:01:43,313 --> 00:01:44,606
I think I saw Cyril with it.
34
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:47,817
He went through my desk?
- I guess. I mean he said he did.
35
00:01:47,984 --> 00:01:51,112
I don't know why I'm surprised.
I mean, can you believe him?
36
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:52,864
Cheating on Lana?
- Baffling.
37
00:01:53,031 --> 00:01:54,032
Said the kettle.
38
00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:56,451
Which is why I started
that new policy.
39
00:01:56,618 --> 00:01:58,369
Yeah?
- You idiots run around here...
40
00:01:58,536 --> 00:02:00,997
...like it's spring break on South Padre.
41
00:02:01,164 --> 00:02:05,209
Just sex, sex, sex...
- Sexy-sexy, eh?
42
00:02:05,376 --> 00:02:08,004
- Nikolai?
- Is from Frederick's of Latvia.
43
00:02:08,171 --> 00:02:09,964
Mother? What?
- Oh, hello, son.
44
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:11,924
Nikolai.
- Why did he call me "son?"
45
00:02:12,091 --> 00:02:14,052
What is this?
- You mean...
46
00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:17,221
...besides incredibly awkward?
47
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:53,883
No, I think "incredibly awkward"
just about sums it up.
48
00:02:54,050 --> 00:02:55,551
What? Mother!
49
00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:58,054
Nikolai, could I call you back?
50
00:02:58,221 --> 00:03:00,890
I will be here maybe in one hour...
51
00:03:01,057 --> 00:03:04,435
...then I'll try to hit gym, so...
- The gym. That'll be the day.
52
00:03:04,602 --> 00:03:06,270
Are you out of your mind?
53
00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,981
I must be. Because it looks
like you just destroyed...
54
00:03:09,148 --> 00:03:10,775
...my Steuben bar set.
55
00:03:10,942 --> 00:03:15,363
Well, you just destroyed my innocence.
- Oh, please, that Brazilian Au pair...
56
00:03:15,530 --> 00:03:18,991
...did that when you were 13.
- Twelve. And why does Nikolai Jakov...
57
00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:22,245
...the head of the KGB,
have a direct line to your office?
58
00:03:22,412 --> 00:03:25,039
Well, you know, from time to time...
What...? No.
59
00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:27,458
Just leave that,
you'll cut yourself. Sterling.
60
00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:31,212
Why did he just call me son?
61
00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:34,549
That's often a figure of speech.
- Yeah? How often?
62
00:03:34,716 --> 00:03:37,885
Very often. Just not in this case.
63
00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,512
I know... Uh...
64
00:03:39,679 --> 00:03:41,472
What?
65
00:03:43,182 --> 00:03:47,603
Terrific. Two Steuben
glasses left and you break one.
66
00:03:47,770 --> 00:03:49,564
I'm sorry, Krieger,
but it's over.
67
00:03:49,731 --> 00:03:52,608
So here's all your Creedence
Clearwater albums back.
68
00:03:52,775 --> 00:03:55,653
Now a sad moon is on the rise.
- I know, devastating.
69
00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:58,072
But it's not you,
it's your weak, woman-y hands.
70
00:03:58,239 --> 00:04:00,491
They're not...
- It's like being choked by a child.
71
00:04:00,658 --> 00:04:02,618
Which I thought would be hot, but...
72
00:04:02,785 --> 00:04:05,872
Wait, no, I'll take steroids.
- I can't wait. I need a man now...
73
00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:09,667
...with monster hands.
- Oh, like Lana ha... Hey, you.
74
00:04:09,834 --> 00:04:11,836
You know, the whole
"monster hands" thing?
75
00:04:12,003 --> 00:04:14,130
Starting to border on mean.
76
00:04:14,297 --> 00:04:17,467
Oh, you gonna run cry to Ms. Archer,
like when Cyril cheated on you?
77
00:04:17,967 --> 00:04:19,594
Hello.
- Ooh-la-la.
78
00:04:19,761 --> 00:04:23,598
Well, at least my ex-boyfriend isn't
a noose I made out of extension cord.
79
00:04:23,765 --> 00:04:26,350
Guess what. She wasn't
the only one Cyril cheated with.
80
00:04:27,685 --> 00:04:30,938
And what is that supposed to mean?
- Figure it out, Truckasaurus.
81
00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:32,940
Oh, that gives me an idea.
82
00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:36,861
But I already have a father.
His name was John Fitzgerald Archer.
83
00:04:37,028 --> 00:04:39,197
He was a fighter ace,
and he won the Navy Cross.
84
00:04:39,363 --> 00:04:41,532
And his men called him...
- "Black Jack" Archer.
85
00:04:41,699 --> 00:04:44,368
I know, dear, I know,
because I made it all up.
86
00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:46,037
But the military funeral.
87
00:04:46,204 --> 00:04:49,665
- Ready. Aim.
- Oh, my God.
88
00:04:49,832 --> 00:04:53,211
- If we miss that train I will go blind.
- Fire.
89
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,547
But the 21 gun salute.
90
00:04:56,714 --> 00:05:01,052
I donated 600 bucks
to a Junior ROTC team up in Yonkers.
91
00:05:01,219 --> 00:05:04,055
Which they used to go
to a competition in Albany...
92
00:05:04,222 --> 00:05:08,059
...where they won third place.
So a lot of good came out of that.
93
00:05:08,226 --> 00:05:10,520
So all's well that ends well?
- What was I to do?
94
00:05:10,686 --> 00:05:13,356
Tell a 3-year-old
his father might be in the KGB?
95
00:05:13,523 --> 00:05:15,066
What? What do you mean might be?
96
00:05:15,233 --> 00:05:18,903
So there may or may not be
a few other possibles...
97
00:05:19,070 --> 00:05:20,988
...in the mix.
98
00:05:21,405 --> 00:05:22,698
What?
99
00:05:22,865 --> 00:05:25,034
Seriously? You cheated
on me with Carol?
100
00:05:25,201 --> 00:05:27,161
Cheryl.
- Exactly.
101
00:05:27,328 --> 00:05:29,956
And I can explain that.
- Well if you'd let me.
102
00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:32,959
Yeah, tell me. How my father
might be Nikolai Jakov...
103
00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:36,838
...head of the KGB,
or Len Trexler, head of ODIN!
104
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,966
Well...
- I assume those are my only choices?
105
00:05:41,551 --> 00:05:43,135
Oh, my... Who else?
106
00:05:43,302 --> 00:05:45,930
Gene Krupa. No, wait.
- What? The drummer?
107
00:05:46,097 --> 00:05:48,015
Not Krupa, the other one,
with the teeth.
108
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:50,935
Buddy Rich.
- Oh, my...
109
00:05:51,102 --> 00:05:55,147
I could never say no to a drummer.
- Could you say no to anybody?
110
00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:58,442
I said no to plenty.
111
00:05:58,609 --> 00:06:00,695
No. No.
- Yes. Have sex with me. Please.
112
00:06:00,862 --> 00:06:03,114
No.
- Oh, come on.
113
00:06:03,281 --> 00:06:06,909
Nobody would ever know.
- Pam? Yeah.
114
00:06:07,076 --> 00:06:08,369
I'd know.
115
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,997
No. No. No.
- Let me talk to him.
116
00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:15,042
Nikolai, he's not even here.
He stormed out, thanks to you.
117
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:19,046
But I could talk sense into him.
After all, I am his father.
118
00:06:19,213 --> 00:06:21,257
Oh. $0...
119
00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:25,636
Len Trexler or Buddy Rich?
120
00:06:25,803 --> 00:06:29,056
Get me that crazy German. Now.
- Ow! Ow!
121
00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:31,058
Hostile work environment.
- Shut up.
122
00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:33,728
We are going to kidnap
Agent Sterling Archer.
123
00:06:33,895 --> 00:06:36,314
Oh, yeah? Then what,
you hurt his feelings?
124
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:40,067
Then we put new mind-control
microchip into his brain.
125
00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,820
We use its remote-control
capability...
126
00:06:42,987 --> 00:06:46,490
...to bring him here,
make the papa test.
127
00:06:46,657 --> 00:06:48,659
And if I am Archer's father...
128
00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:52,330
...I turn him against his own mother,
as Soviet agent.
129
00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:55,499
Make him a, how you say, vole.
130
00:06:56,334 --> 00:06:59,086
I think you mean mole. Mole.
- Huh?
131
00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:03,883
Vole is also rodent,
but more closer related to lemming.
132
00:07:11,349 --> 00:07:13,100
Come on, buddy.
133
00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:23,027
Can't you read, ass-douche? You're not
supposed to be here without a kid.
134
00:07:23,194 --> 00:07:25,738
As it happens,
I am here with a child.
135
00:07:25,905 --> 00:07:27,949
Mani, can we have
more money for the sweets?
136
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,868
What? That's not even
a real baby.
137
00:07:31,035 --> 00:07:35,206
And that is? I thought you were
off to the fair with your prize turnip.
138
00:07:36,582 --> 00:07:38,876
A tur...? Listen, you kraut puke.
- Hello.
139
00:07:39,043 --> 00:07:41,420
Oh, yeah. You should go.
140
00:07:41,587 --> 00:07:43,547
You're lucky
his father's not here.
141
00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:46,801
He knows Krav Maga,
he'll kick your balls through your hat...
142
00:07:46,968 --> 00:07:49,887
...you Nazi shit-ass.
- Mani, these people.
143
00:07:50,054 --> 00:07:53,516
Well, you wanted him to grow up
in the city.
144
00:07:53,683 --> 00:07:56,227
Nein, major, not you. Yeah, listening.
145
00:07:56,394 --> 00:07:58,604
And after you take Archer to the...
146
00:07:59,981 --> 00:08:01,857
...KGB safehouse
on Gansevoort...
147
00:08:02,024 --> 00:08:03,693
...you will implant the microchip...
148
00:08:03,859 --> 00:08:05,361
...into his brain.
- Got it.
149
00:08:06,404 --> 00:08:10,950
Yeah, seriously.
Okay, Uta, we have a job, so...
150
00:08:11,117 --> 00:08:13,452
Where is the diaper bag?
151
00:08:14,286 --> 00:08:18,040
I forgot where I put it.
- Huge surprise.
152
00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:20,501
Ow! Ow!
- Idiot. What is wrong with you?
153
00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:21,919
And just who the happy hell...
154
00:08:22,086 --> 00:08:24,505
...do you think you are,
hanging up on me?
155
00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:27,758
Oh, you gonna tell
your boyfriend Len Trexler?
156
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:30,511
Or maybe Gene Krupa?
- It was the other one.
157
00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:32,930
Maybe. Or you, maybe, or...
158
00:08:33,097 --> 00:08:37,143
Whoever it was, he wasn't there to raise
Sterling, so I don't need him butting in now.
159
00:08:37,309 --> 00:08:38,936
We'll see. Nothing.
- What?
160
00:08:39,103 --> 00:08:41,105
Nikolai, what are you scheming at?
161
00:08:41,272 --> 00:08:44,734
Nothing.
- Again he hangs up on me.
162
00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:50,698
And there goes the last Steuben.
163
00:08:54,452 --> 00:08:57,955
Sploosh. That's what I'm talking about.
- Yup, yup, yup.
164
00:08:58,581 --> 00:09:01,250
Wait, you think it's safe?
165
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,086
No.
166
00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:07,298
Okay, we got the French chick,
and Carol...
167
00:09:07,465 --> 00:09:09,050
...and anybody else,
Rambone?
168
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,135
No.
- Hi, Cyril.
169
00:09:14,096 --> 00:09:16,640
Well. Um...
- Scatterbrain Jane? Really?
170
00:09:16,807 --> 00:09:19,560
Well, say she had just been
diagnosed with breast cancer.
171
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:23,564
Oh, right. I forgot,
your dick's full of radiation...
172
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:25,566
...and mastectomy coupons.
173
00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:28,903
Boy, you are just so determined
not to be cool about this.
174
00:09:29,070 --> 00:09:31,530
Yup. Anybody else?
- Um...
175
00:09:32,448 --> 00:09:34,784
Ms. Archer, you're trying to seduce me.
176
00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:37,787
Aren't you?
177
00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:40,164
Nope, no, no one.
- Okay, okay, okay.
178
00:09:40,331 --> 00:09:42,416
Okay, get out.
- Of my own office?
179
00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:43,834
Yup.
- Why?
180
00:09:44,001 --> 00:09:46,170
Oh, you don't wanna be here...
181
00:09:46,337 --> 00:09:48,631
...when I bang every last dude
in the building.
182
00:09:48,798 --> 00:09:50,341
What?
- Here on your blotter.
183
00:09:50,508 --> 00:09:51,509
No!
- Yup!
184
00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:54,845
You can't do that.
- Really? ls it Opposite Day already?
185
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,306
Uh... Attention?
186
00:09:57,473 --> 00:09:59,600
Hi, this is Agent Kane...
187
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:03,104
...and if you wanna have
ball-slappy sex with me on Cyril's desk...
188
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:05,606
...please line up
and take a number.
189
00:10:07,108 --> 00:10:10,111
You heard the lady. Take a number.
190
00:10:11,487 --> 00:10:15,407
Eighty-sixed? Uh-uh.
You don't eighty-six me.
191
00:10:15,574 --> 00:10:19,036
Because my dad
won the Navy Cross.
192
00:10:21,747 --> 00:10:25,209
Here's the door.
- Help. Please help me.
193
00:10:25,376 --> 00:10:28,170
My baby. He swallowed something,
he's choking.
194
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,341
Oh, who gives a shit
about a baby?
195
00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:36,971
Who would want to raise
a child here?
196
00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:42,351
Well, that was a huge waste of time.
- I said don't take your clothes off.
197
00:10:42,518 --> 00:10:45,521
Well. Well!
- Begged, even. Okay, this is good to go.
198
00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:48,357
So was this.
- So let's get number two in here.
199
00:10:48,524 --> 00:10:51,694
You really think this is gonna work?
- Pam, look at me.
200
00:10:51,861 --> 00:10:54,155
Yeah... Sploosh.
201
00:10:55,531 --> 00:10:58,200
- Now serving number two.
- I'm two.
202
00:10:59,034 --> 00:11:01,412
That's me! Move, dude.
- Animals.
203
00:11:01,579 --> 00:11:05,583
You're all just animals.
- Lying in wait at the watering hole...
204
00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:08,752
...taut buttocks all aquiver,
just aching to pounce...
205
00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:11,213
...on the supple brown flesh
of your woman.
206
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:13,048
Shut up.
- They're gonna mess her up.
207
00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:14,758
Why are you even here?
- Hello.
208
00:11:14,925 --> 00:11:18,596
But you're gay.
- Girl, please. Nobody's that gay.
209
00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,598
Wait, what?
- What, what?
210
00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:23,100
What part of you pay me
600 dollars do you not get?
211
00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:25,769
The part where we don't have sex?
212
00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,438
You get to say we did.
213
00:11:27,605 --> 00:11:29,815
Which is, like,
half the reason men have sex.
214
00:11:29,982 --> 00:11:31,483
But that's a lot of money.
215
00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:33,944
Not compared to rotator cuff surgery.
- What?
216
00:11:34,111 --> 00:11:36,614
Which you're gonna need
after the jillion high-fives...
217
00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,782
...you give your little bros.
218
00:11:39,617 --> 00:11:41,785
Okay, I'm in.
- But first guy you tell is Cyril.
219
00:11:41,952 --> 00:11:44,955
And make up the sickest...
- Yeah, shut up, do you take plastic?
220
00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:48,334
Five percent discount for cash.
- I thought it was 10.
221
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:51,378
Oh, oh, oh, I can't wet my beak?
222
00:11:53,339 --> 00:11:56,008
Hey, seriously, kidnappers...
223
00:11:56,175 --> 00:11:58,385
...super not in the mood
for this right now.
224
00:12:00,012 --> 00:12:01,513
Or that. What is that?
225
00:12:02,306 --> 00:12:03,515
Is that a drill?
226
00:12:03,682 --> 00:12:05,434
- Okay, so.
- I don't want that.
227
00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:08,979
- I make a Klein hole in his skull with this.
- Just shut that off.
228
00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:12,316
- Then into the hole I smoosh this.
- What is that?
229
00:12:12,483 --> 00:12:14,526
And then they can
control his brain.
230
00:12:15,361 --> 00:12:17,238
But is Soviet technology...
231
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:20,157
...so it's a crapshoot.
- This is amazing, no?
232
00:12:20,324 --> 00:12:23,160
What is amazing is we just
ran into him on the street.
233
00:12:23,327 --> 00:12:26,330
It's a huge city.
- Hey. Hey! Proposition.
234
00:12:26,497 --> 00:12:28,749
First person to untie me, guy or gal...
235
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:32,586
- ...I will let him or her give me a handy.
- Ugh.
236
00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:36,507
Let's share the milk of human kindness.
- What an asshole.
237
00:12:36,674 --> 00:12:40,928
Don't worry, your time is coming.
- Wait, by time do you mean me?
238
00:12:41,095 --> 00:12:44,056
And by "don't worry", do you mean
the chick's gonna be doing the handy?
239
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:47,935
And either way,
can we do it without that thing?
240
00:12:48,102 --> 00:12:49,353
Hey, seriously.
241
00:12:50,229 --> 00:12:52,481
Give me a hanjo.
242
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:04,535
It doesn't work.
243
00:13:04,702 --> 00:13:09,039
I drill hole in head of man
who maybe is my son.
244
00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:12,167
Put chip in his brain...
245
00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:14,461
...and now you tell me...
246
00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:16,297
...it doesn't work.
247
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,590
You should have
asked me before you...
248
00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:21,385
See, in testing we have
had teensy problem...
249
00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:23,554
...with signal from satellite.
250
00:13:23,721 --> 00:13:27,391
When it is in small window
just over the target...
251
00:13:27,558 --> 00:13:29,226
...it can signal the chip.
252
00:13:32,062 --> 00:13:34,064
But when it exits this window...
253
00:13:34,565 --> 00:13:38,068
Ahh.
- This problem does not sound teensy!
254
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:40,988
It is compared to the problem we had...
255
00:13:41,155 --> 00:13:43,198
...with interference
from cell phones.
256
00:13:47,161 --> 00:13:52,082
Which in lab sent test subjects
into ferocious homicidal rages.
257
00:13:52,249 --> 00:13:54,918
So obviously we need to tweak it.
258
00:13:55,461 --> 00:13:57,838
Damn that crazy, jealous Russian.
259
00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:01,467
Bet he's hatching some half-assed,
vodka-soaked scheme to...
260
00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:05,012
- Hello? Ha!
- Sterling? Sterling, listen very-Wha...?
261
00:14:05,179 --> 00:14:07,264
Voicemail. You know what to do.
262
00:14:07,431 --> 00:14:09,266
- We're sorry.
- Damn it.
263
00:14:09,433 --> 00:14:11,602
Carol? Carol.
264
00:14:11,769 --> 00:14:13,687
And just where the hell is she?
265
00:14:17,608 --> 00:14:21,403
Oh, God, sorry. Sorry.
- Ahh...
266
00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:24,782
What are you doing?
- I thought you said start slacking off.
267
00:14:24,948 --> 00:14:27,826
Not slacking off.
268
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:31,038
Dude, swear to God.
She gave me a Jane Hathaway.
269
00:14:31,205 --> 00:14:34,833
Right on my chest. My man
knows what I'm talking about.
270
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,961
Doesn't anyone work
around here? And, Cyril...
271
00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:42,299
...I am so disgusted with you right now
I just wanna vomit.
272
00:14:43,801 --> 00:14:45,469
That's exactly what I said to Lana.
273
00:14:49,223 --> 00:14:51,308
Thirty-seven. Thirty-seven.
274
00:14:51,475 --> 00:14:52,518
Ooh.
275
00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:56,647
- Uh... Move.
- Ugh.
276
00:14:58,190 --> 00:14:59,608
Just get it done by Friday.
277
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:21,505
Oh, come on Sterling,
pick up, pick...
278
00:15:21,672 --> 00:15:24,091
Sterling? Sterling?
What's wrong, are you in...?
279
00:15:24,258 --> 00:15:27,177
Ha. Alternate voicemail.
280
00:15:27,428 --> 00:15:29,888
- You know what to do, stupid.- We're sorry...
281
00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:32,683
I'm done. He's dead to me.
282
00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:34,518
Mother.
283
00:15:37,688 --> 00:15:39,148
Kill Mother.
284
00:15:44,319 --> 00:15:46,530
Oh, my God, I'm exhausted.
285
00:15:46,697 --> 00:15:48,615
Whereas I am merely confused.
286
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:51,034
If you told every guy
the same thing...
287
00:15:51,201 --> 00:15:54,204
...then they all know that none
of them had sex with you.
288
00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:57,374
They're all gonna realize they're all lying.
- Hey, yeah.
289
00:15:57,541 --> 00:16:01,295
Wait a minute.
- But remember, they're dudes.
290
00:16:01,462 --> 00:16:03,088
What?
- Um...
291
00:16:03,255 --> 00:16:05,883
I had sex with Lana.
- Me too.
292
00:16:06,049 --> 00:16:09,303
Lana Kane, you magnificent bastard.
- Mwah.
293
00:16:09,470 --> 00:16:13,265
I just hope Cyril doesn't, like, snap.
- Cyril? Snap?
294
00:16:13,432 --> 00:16:15,559
Snap.
- Girl, please.
295
00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:20,063
Seven, six, two, millimeter...
296
00:16:20,230 --> 00:16:22,232
...full metal jacket...
297
00:16:23,609 --> 00:16:24,902
Someone's in here.
298
00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:28,530
Holy shit snacks.
You made over 20 grand.
299
00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:29,948
Minus my 60 bucks.
300
00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:32,576
Plus Cyril's broken heart.
Not too shabs, Pam.
301
00:16:32,743 --> 00:16:35,370
Are you kidding?
Thirty-six guys?
302
00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:37,539
It's like Schindler's List up in here.
303
00:16:37,915 --> 00:16:40,083
Pam!
- And I'm like that little Gandhi dude.
304
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:42,085
Pam.
- Helping out with the books, and...
305
00:16:42,252 --> 00:16:46,548
Inappropriate analogies?
What the hell is wrong with you?
306
00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:50,260
Nothing. I'm a desirable...
307
00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:54,223
...full-bodied woman
but nobody will have sex with me.
308
00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:57,935
And I have so much love to give.
309
00:17:00,771 --> 00:17:02,898
Get on the desk.
- Really?
310
00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:05,108
Yeah, come on.
Before I change my mind.
311
00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:09,279
But you cannot say a word.
- I won't tell anybody.
312
00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:10,948
No, honey, I mean during.
313
00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:13,575
Because I'm gonna pretend
you're Alex Karras.
314
00:17:19,790 --> 00:17:23,126
And that's your message?
My God, who...?
315
00:17:24,503 --> 00:17:25,754
Who's there? What do you want?
316
00:17:25,921 --> 00:17:29,967
Because all you're gonna get
is holes. I... I mean holes in you...
317
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:31,134
...not my... Hah!
318
00:17:32,511 --> 00:17:34,972
Sterling?
- Hello, Mother.
319
00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:36,807
Where the hell have you been?
320
00:17:36,974 --> 00:17:40,435
I don't know.
- And why do you have a cleaver?
321
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:46,984
I don't know.
- Well, you're safe now. So get out.
322
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:49,945
I'm hungry.
- So lick that coat. You smell like a...
323
00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:52,114
Grilled cheese.
- What?
324
00:17:52,281 --> 00:17:55,450
Grill me a cheese.
- I'm not grilling you a cheese.
325
00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:01,665
Oh, for God's sake.
326
00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:06,169
Waltz in here, dressed like
some sort of cattle-rapist.
327
00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:09,047
Waving a cleaver and reeking
of what I hope to God is meat.
328
00:18:09,214 --> 00:18:10,757
And that's all you have to say?
329
00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:13,844
I don't know.
- I was worried sick. Called you twice...
330
00:18:14,011 --> 00:18:15,596
...came this close to leaving...
331
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:19,808
And why doesn't your voicemail just say,
"Leave a message, I'm a jackass"?
332
00:18:19,975 --> 00:18:22,144
I don't know.
- I don't know. I don't know.
333
00:18:22,311 --> 00:18:23,645
What is wrong with you?
334
00:18:23,812 --> 00:18:26,023
My head hurts. And I have no father.
335
00:18:26,189 --> 00:18:28,525
Sterling, of course you have a father.
336
00:18:28,692 --> 00:18:31,069
Just maybe not the one you wanted.
- And you...
337
00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:33,864
And me neither. Because even though
that whole weekend...
338
00:18:34,031 --> 00:18:37,701
...is just a big jazzy blur,
I'm pretty sure it wasn't Buddy.
339
00:18:37,868 --> 00:18:42,289
And all these years, you lied to me.
- Sterling, I was protecting you.
340
00:18:42,456 --> 00:18:44,166
From what, this sandwich?
341
00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:47,711
This is Swiss, Mother!
- Because that's all I had. You ass.
342
00:18:47,878 --> 00:18:51,590
Just like I'm all that you have.
- Well, I hate it. And I hate you.
343
00:18:51,757 --> 00:18:54,551
Sterling Malory Archer,
you will eat...
344
00:18:54,718 --> 00:18:58,764
...every last crumb
of that sandwich.
345
00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:02,059
No.
- Then get out. I'll call you a cab.
346
00:19:03,727 --> 00:19:05,187
Sterling, stop that this instant.
347
00:19:06,897 --> 00:19:09,066
Kill Mother.
- Waah!
348
00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:11,151
Ah. Kill Mother.
349
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:14,821
Police, police, have to call the...
Waah!
350
00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:20,202
Déja vu, huh? I'm having a nightmare
and you lock me out of your bedroom?
351
00:19:20,369 --> 00:19:23,914
Sterling, no, stay back.
- Only this time, you'll be crying for help.
352
00:19:24,081 --> 00:19:26,083
Sterling!
- And I'll be the one drinking...
353
00:19:26,249 --> 00:19:30,253
...and laughing in there with Uncle Buddy!
- Sterling, I'm warning you.
354
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,548
Sterling!
355
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:38,553
Sterling?
356
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:41,723
Sterling. Sterling!
357
00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:44,059
What? God.
358
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:49,272
Well, whose fault is that?
Waving a cleaver, screaming in Russian?
359
00:19:49,439 --> 00:19:50,482
I'm sorry.
- Ass.
360
00:19:50,649 --> 00:19:53,110
Seriously, I don't know
what's going on with my head.
361
00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:56,697
Filthy coat, can't tell what's
cow's blood and what's yours.
362
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,782
The wet blood, Mother, is mine.
363
00:19:58,949 --> 00:20:01,034
And it's ruining my brand-new linens.
- Sorry.
364
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:04,621
This is why I can't have nice things.
- Why, because you shoot them?
365
00:20:04,788 --> 00:20:07,290
Serves you right.
You nearly scared me to death.
366
00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:10,460
Well, you obviously weren't
that scared, judging by your grouping.
367
00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:13,380
Unh.
- Hah. Guess the old gal's still got it.
368
00:20:13,547 --> 00:20:16,883
All six, right in the 10 ring.
- Hooray.
369
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:19,720
Just like I taught you.
Without any help from...
370
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:23,140
...whoever your father is.
- Yeah, you were always there for me.
371
00:20:23,306 --> 00:20:27,185
Which I never really thank you for.
- Sterling, I don't need thanks.
372
00:20:27,352 --> 00:20:30,063
That's what makes me
such a wonderful mother.
373
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:32,649
Ha-ha. Are you kidding?
- Don't be shitty.
374
00:20:32,816 --> 00:20:36,361
Can't we just enjoy the moment?
- Yeah, how could we not?
375
00:20:38,989 --> 00:20:40,157
Ass.
30330
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof