Original subtitles

- This is it.

The slightest misstep means disaster.

[tense musical sting]

[exhales] Ah, my best work yet.

- [sighs] Sadly, I think you're right.

- Another one for the maybe pile.

Mmm. - [laughing maniacally]

- Cheryl, you know I love you, but if you don't start helping,

I'm gonna snap your vertebrae like pistachios.

- Aw, that does sound like love!

- Come on! We need 100 of those by the end of the day.

- Well, since we're not gonna make it anyway,

it won't matter if you eat one.

- You know I'm trying to keep that under control!

[yelping weakly]

- Why do you think I'm doing it?

- [screams]

- Yaa-- ah-ha-ow... - [laughs]

I saw you lick crumbs off your face--I win.

- You okay? - Why was it so hot?

- Were you... wearing oven mitts?

- What are those?

Slater: Damn it! What are you idiots doing?

- You tell us, ass-face.

You say we're on a secret mission to destroy Fabian,

and we've been undercover for three weeks in this bakery.

- It's a patisserie,

and it's not like I love having you

mess up my profitable side business.

- That you use as a personal slush fund.

- Obviously, that.

Wait, where's the other guy?

Weird beard science dick?

- Everyone knows that sourdough starter is alive,

but the question remains, is it horny?

[glass shatters] Slater: Listen up.

Our intelligence says that Fabian will venture out

into the open soon, then you'll kill him.

- Wait, this is a straight-up assassination?

- What are you, children? Yes!

He's blackmailed the president of Manatina

into declaring martial law,

and is turning the whole country into his personal fiefdom.

- Why not just have CIA hitmen do it?

- First off, the CIA doesn't have hitmen.

Second, they're busy.

Third, we can't have our fingerprints on this.

Unlike every pastry you dingdongs make.

- Yeah, it'd be a real shame if the CIA got a bad name.

- All I'm saying is that we can't have blowback.

So if I get captured--

- Put a bullet in your head?

- No! Jesus. Just rescue me.

You were way too quick with that.

And the fewer CIA people we have involved, the better.

We might have a mole.

- Oh, you don't say.

- I mean, at this point isn't Langley

considered a national wildlife refuge?

- You've got so many rodents in the CIA

that the "C" probably stands for Chuck E Cheese.

- Why are you thinking about Chuck E Cheese?

Because you want to go there with a kid that you got tricked

into having, who no longer sees you as her father?

Or maybe the other kid you had with a hooker?

- Whoa. Jesus, Slater.

- The "C" stands for Central.

It's a soft "C". [phone vibrates]

All right, let's go kill the guy.

[main title theme]

♪ ♪

- So we've got a man on the inside.

He says Fabian is leaving the presidential residence soon,

and the only route takes him through the central square

and right by us here

at the Confectionery Institute of the Americas.

- Subtle. - I don't do subtle.

- Has anyone ever explained to you what a spy is?

- Has anyone ever explained to you what alcoholism is?

- Yeah, like dozens of times.

- Okay, this is our killbox.

- Oh, great. The only problem I have

with this is that it is insane.

You can't put a killbox in a public square.

- Hmm, let me look. Yeah, I can,

and if you don't want to do this mission,

it is your God given right as an American to go home

and face the crimes you've all been framed for.

- Honestly, not one of my favorite rights.

- Move over, quartering of soldiers.

- This is President Lucero,

until now, a progressive reformer.

But she's been blackmailed and possibly taken hostage

by Fabian and a security team led by

our friend Ray Gillette.

- [Cheryl gasps] Hey, I know that guy!

- Look, Cheryl, fairy stix! - [squeals]

- I always carry some. Continue.

- Wait, how are we gonna take out Fabian without hitting Ray?

- I mean, he's being a douche,

but if being a douche were a capital offense,

we'd have to carpet bomb Wall Street.

- And frankly, seems expensive.

- Look, Ray made his choice.

And this might be our only chance

before Fabian solidifies control.

- Aw, but it's Ray.

I just-- [sighs]

I just put so much awesome tech in him.

He's more machine now than man.

- Look, I get it. I'm human.

And I'm sensitive to your feelings here,

but if it comes down to it,

shoot Fabian through Ray's goddamn head.

- What about her? - She's not our concern.

It's the CIA's policy not to intervene

in other countries' internal politics.

- Or you're hoping this mess will get her deposed

and you can replace her with a right-wing dictator.

- Touché.

- I think it's pronounced Pinochet.

- Whatever. Be ready in half an hour.

- Not to be sentimental, but if Ray does die,

I'd like my stuff back from his corpse.

[sadly] Did anybody bring a chainsaw?

- Everybody ready?

- Yeah, but it's weird not having Ray here.

- Come on, he'd probably just make some crack

about how I'm unreliable and drunk.

It's just so unfair.

- Yeah, he'd say something like, "If only we had

to kill your liver, we could just wait 10 minutes."

- Aha, okay.

- Easy, 007 and seven. - Okay.

- If I wanted a partner that pissed,

I'd team up with your underwear tomorrow morning.

- Okay, Jesus.

Now I really do want to kill him.

- Do you really think he's gone bad?

- I mean, he did give all our secrets to Fabian,

and before that, he was working at IIA without telling us.

- And he was really touchy about the snake bite thing,

and the spider bite thing.

I mean, come on, get over it.

I did, like, immediately.

- Okay, we'll have a better shot at not killing Ray

if we adjust these positions slightly.

- I've got it, Lana.

Here's what we do.

Okay, so the first task is blocking the exit.

Cheryl, that's on you.

- "Father of Freedom, may you stand and watch over us

until the last trumpet plays."

Yikes.

- We're gonna need a trumpet.

Archer: Pam, after that, you'll join Cyril

at the entrance, so they can't retreat.

- So we're, uh, really doing this.

- No, you're dreaming. That's why this doesn't hurt.

- Ah!

Archer: Lana, you're eagle eye.

Call out threats.

[over radio] If you've got a clear shot, take it.

Meanwhile, I will ready myself

for combat using spiritual techniques

that owe much too Spartan and Maori ritual.

Excuse me, I asked for a martini,

not a liquid analog of your character;

weak and disappointing.

Lana: Archer, I'm seeing an alleyway

that's not on the map.

Could be a possible escape route.

We should shift-- - Lana, quick question.

Are you Laszlo Toth?

- [sighs] I am not.

- Then why are you despoiling my perfect work of art?

Fabian will be in the middle of the motorcade

well past the alley.

[over radio] It'll be fine.

Lana: Motorcade approaching.

Three cars. 30 seconds to contact.

- Let's pucker and poke her, boys.

Lana: Come on. - Really?

Cheryl: No!

- Look, as leader, you need to clear

a new catchphrase with me before you trot it out

in front of everybody like a brain damaged

suicidal circus horse.

Wink your stinks, no time to think.

- What did I just say?

Lana: Everyone shut up.

Cheryl, are you ready to detonate?

- Ready! man: Miss?

- Less ready.

Not ready!

- Abort! Abort!

- Just throw it!

[brakes squeal]

[screaming]

- Ha ha! It was the last trump--

oh, it hit the woodwinds.

[tires squeal]

[gunshot]

[tires squealing, crash]

Archer: Converge on car two!

Lana: No, do not converge. He might not be--

- Ignore! Converge!

Also, abort that last order. Just for spite.

- Nobody's here.

Lana: Come on, Ray.

Bend down and tie your shoe or something.

I don't have the shot!

I repeat, no shot. Archer, the cafe!

[panting] [door ringing]

- Oh, you little--

- [shouts]

[dramatic music]

- Can't say I'm sorry, Fabian.

What the shit, Ray?

You're gonna take a bullet for this douchehole?

- Kinda hoping not to, but I'm not the one

pointing a gun at me!

- He made the only rational choice, Archer.

You should do the same.

An entire country at your disposal.

Every appetite fulfilled.

- Hah! My appetites will never be fulfilled, Fabian,

because I am ultimately empty,

is, I guess, what I'm arguing.

But it doesn't matter.

You can't do a hostile takeover of a whole country.

You'll get thrown out eventually.

- True, if I didn't have leverage.

We discovered the world's biggest deposit

of the rare earth metal Hexon downriver.

Thanks for getting me a sample last time you were here.

- Come on, Ray. We have to save the agency.

It's Mother's legacy.

That has to mean something to you.

- Don't guilt trip me!

You didn't even come see me in the hospital

when you got me bitten by that snake!

- [chortling] - And now you're giggling

about it! - I am not.

Ray, I swear, I was thinking of something else.

[laughing]

It was the spider.

- Well, now I found someone who knows what loyalty means.

[grunts] - Sorry!

It was just the perfect moment for that!

Ray: You idiot!

- Oh, I'm the idiot?

You just got double-crossed!

- I was playing him!

- But that doesn't make any-- okay.

That might make a little sense,

but why didn't you kill him?

- Because I'm not gonna kill the one person

who can actually clear our names!

You think Slater cares enough to do it?

And now we don't even have anybody on the inside!

- That's where you're wrong, Ray.

Slater has a mole!

- I'm the mole! - Wow.

He was totally willing to kill you to get to Fabian.

- What a freaking shock.

I was trying to set this up so we could capture Fabian

and have him clear our names.

So you just made this whole thing infinitely harder.

Ass. - Well, obviously,

but what about--huh.

But wait, then...

ah, shit.

- Well, yet another successful mission

for the ass-for-head gang.

- Yeah, well, maybe you could have told us

Ray was your man on the inside.

- How would that have helped?

- Maybe they wouldn't have almost killed me?

- No, I mean how would that help me?

And how do we even know you're not playing both sides

right now?

- Oh, don't answer all at once, y'all.

- Ugh!

Now I have to bring in an independent kill team.

- Where are you gonna find an independent kill team?

- The CIA!

We'll just make them all change their shirts.

The point is, you're all demoted to support.

- And if we don't agree?

- Good luck getting through the airport metal detector

with my steel-toed boot up your ass.

And even if you made it back to America,

you'd still all be felons.

- Seriously? - Oh, come on.

- Yeah, that's right. Now I have to go talk

to the real professionals.

And get those fucking muffins done.

- So y'all baking now?

- Shut up, Ray. - No, I won't shut up.

Can we at least acknowledge y'all were wrong about me?

Do you honestly still think I've gone over to Fabian?

- And that's unlikely, why?

- Okay, that's fair.

But I'm back now, and I think we should call it

"Raydemption."

- How about possibly not a raging asshole?

Emphasis on possibly. - I like mine better.

- Look, it kind of seems like we're cornered here.

So maybe we just do the job and sort it out later.

- No. No, that is not what we are doing.

Look, my whole with IIA was to go with the flow,

do my job, and go home.

And look where that got us.

There was no way we get out of this if we just hope

things turn out okay.

We have to take control.

- Yeah, that's a fun series of words, Lana,

but so is Mad Libs.

- Okay, so how's this?

We pretend to work support, go rogue, grab Fabian,

get him out of the country, and use him to clear our names.

- Well, that I do like. You got a plan?

- Always. - So to be clear,

are we or aren't we playing Mad Libs?

Either way, my response is boobs.

[dramatic music]

Slater: Listen up failures,

what I need you to do is nothing.

Sit here and smell each other's farts until I say.

We may need you for a distraction,

or something.

- Okay, we don't have much time

before the heavy hitters get here.

- Uh, since it's my plan, shouldn't I be the one talking?

- That goes against my every instinct,

but we don't have time to argue.

So I'm gonna keep talking because it feels natural.

Ray, you can't go in because they know your face,

but you know the layout and the security holes,

so you're gonna be crucial on the radio.

We're counting on you.

Pam: Really? Cyril: Good Lord!

Cheryl: I mean... Lana: Hey!

Ray risked his life for us!

So shut up and get going.

Hey, Ray, I just wanna say

that I appreciate the sacrifices you made.

- Finally, someone! Thank you.

- But if you do betray us, I'll flay you under

a lemon juice waterfall.

I'll make an Aztec blood sacrifice

look like a Girl Scout jamboree.

Now gulp and then say, "Yes, Lana."

- [gulps] Yes, Lana.

Archer: Whew! Oh, buddy, sorry about Lana.

Because I think she was a little too lenient.

And speaking of jamborees, I will roast marshmallows

over your burning, but still barely alive body.

- Y'all's level of trust is truly inspiring.

[suspenseful music]

- Ready?

- Uh, not sure.

You wanna give me a speech about my plan before we go?

- Don't be petty, Lana. It's unbecoming.

- Don't forget your bag.

Archer: Ow! [thumping]

[splash] So petty!

- Oh no, wait! That was my bag.

♪ ♪

- What are you doing here?

- We're...delivering pastries?

- What is this mierda?

- Don't be a dick. That one's pretty good.

I even put my name on it.

- [clears throat] Excuse me.

Is there a problem here?

Archer: Yes, Lana.

I just stepped in a puddle of raw sewage

in shoes that cost more than your car.

- Well, if it makes you feel better,

you could always get me a nicer car.

- No, no, no.

This isn't the solution, homies.

Let's just chill like krill.

They live in cold water.

[water running]

- [chuckling] Okay, all right, everyone.

I--I know when I'm...

about to kick some ass!

[intense music]

- [coughing]

- [grunts]

- [grunting]

[groans]

- [laughing maniacally]

- Oh, wow, that looks bad.

- [grunting]

Lana! Get out here!

- I hate you!

Ow!

- [grunting]

♪ ♪

[grunting]

- Hell yeah, Cyril, get some!

- I just got some!

[grater clatters]

[water running] Archer: Oh, hey!

Lana, wow, you're here.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

I should be mad at you for not helping but...

- But what?

- [laughs] But I stepped on you

with the poop shoe.

Pam: Oh, and one more thing.

Eat me.

- [muffled grunting]

- We're ready.

Ray: Okay, two guards flanking the door,

and a third near the desk.

Cover on the left

in three, two, one, mark.

[loud explosion]

[grunting]

Archer: Freeze, Fabian, or don't.

I wouldn't really care either way.

- Yet another misstep on your part.

I've got you right where I want--

[yelling]

- Jesus!

- Yeah, sorry.

I just couldn't listen to another goddamn speech.

- You know what? Fair.

You, come with us.

It'll be safer for you.

- [groaning] Oh, oh! Why?

[intense music]

Archer: Because that!

♪ ♪

- A-are you here to rescue me?

- Uh, who are you again?

- This is the president!

She's being held hostage and blackmailed.

- This one is different than the one

we blackmailed with the bank stuff?

- At this point, I honestly do not care.

♪ ♪

Ray: Across the hall!

Come on, hurry!

Go, go!

♪ ♪

- Fabian, I've been meaning to tell you something.

[grunts] - Ow!

[tires screeching]

Lana: Why are you stopping?

- Because...that?

[protesters shouting]

[protestors shouting]

- See, if this were my van, it'd be so much better.

- What, like we'd have knockout gas?

- No, but when we get torn apart

we'd have a kickass soundtrack.

[all yelling] - Dude!

You shut up! Let her talk!

- Shut up! Fabian is the target.

Archer and I are getting him out of here,

the rest of you scatter.

Meet at the secondary rendezvous point.

- But I can't go out there!

- Uh, ten second disguise, go!

- I've always meant to try this out.

It's ironic, but now that I have

the confidence to wear it, I want you to have it.

- Please stop talking.

- [laughs] She learns fast.

Here, take care of her.

- How is your mustache a her?

- I have this rule where I call anything "her"

when it's more feminine than you.

[protesters shouting]

- There, exit vehicle.

But I can't hotwire it that fast.

- For all it's faults, IIA does have very good scientists.

- Yeah, that totally outweighs the soul crushing evil.

Let's go!

[device beeping]

[intense music]

♪ ♪

- Where are you going?

- [laughing]

- Ugh! Why are you torturing me?

- For the same reason people climb Everest.

Because they're awesome.

♪ ♪

Where to now?

- Ray, need that emergency exit,

one minute exactly.

Shut up and do it just like we planned, mark.

Make a left!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

- [grunts]

♪ ♪

- Shit, I lost comms!

♪ ♪

[glass shatters]

♪ ♪

Archer: Where am I going, Lana?

- 20 seconds.

- "To what?" he said,

knowing the answer was death.

- Go! 15 seconds.

♪ ♪

Ten! - Why are you counting down?

I feel very out of the loop here.

- Oh, imagine that.

- Not needed, Fabian.

- Head off the bridge at the third pillar.

Ray's got us.

- Are we really trusting Ray on this?

- Three, two, one, now!

[tires screech]

♪ ♪

Archer: Oh shiiit!

- Trust me now?

- [coughs] 60/40.

Slater: What are you idiots doing?

- Please hold. It's for you.

Slater: Congratulations!

I'm gonna spend the rest of my life ruining yours.

And you can kiss your little shitbox agency goodbye.

- I can't count how many times you've threatened

to take the agency from me, Slater.

So let me say this.

Fuck your muffins.

[car alarms blaring]

- [sigh]

Honestly, not the worst mission I've run.

In South America.

This year.

[smooth jazzy music]

- And we will take it from here.

- [snorts] Interpol?

You guys are still a thing?

- Enough of a thing that we can pass what we know

along to the U. S. government

and clear your names, if we wanted to.

And you say...

- Thank you. We would like that.

- Ah, that's a good lad.

- Interpol? What is that?

Some kind of airfreight service

that brings penguins to hungry polar bears?

- No. - Well, it should be.

- You puny, second-rate idiots!

You think this will stop me?

I cannot be defeated, only delayed!

- Uh, excuse me, there's--.

- No, Cyril, let the man speak.

- When you see me next, it will be the moment

that your life...

[nervously] pl--plunges into, uh...

- Plunges into what?

- [squeals]

- [laughs] Spider bite!

- Oh, don't be a baby.

- Wait, I still have one question.

[relaxed music]

Uh, what now?

- Fabian did actually deposit two months of financial runway

into our account.

Though it was just to frame us, so...

- So we're, like, a thing again?

- Well, but who's in charge?

Do we take a vote or something?

- No, we don't.

Now we all know that I am the greatest spy,

not only in the world,

but in the history of the world.

- Oh, my God.

- But when it comes to strategy,

Lana got us out of there,

and made a deal with Interpol to clear our names.

- Lana, the chair is yours.

- Wow. Thank you, Archer.

That really means a lot.

- Besides, I wanna drink and screw and not be responsible,

and there's no way I can do it from that chair.

Plus Lana, you won't be in the way

as much in the field.

- [chuckles] I am not giving up the field.

- Can I change my mind?

- Speaking as your boss, no, you cannot.

- I accept that.

Hey, Mother would be proud...

of both of us.

- [clears throat] Let me say this.

Miss Kane, you are my supervisor.

- Does this mean that you're actually gonna listen to me?

- I'm sorry, what? - So what's next?

- Actually, I have a few ideas about that.

- So what are they?

It's weird that you paused right there.

We all agree that's weird, right?

[clears throat]

Just a weird pause.

♪ ♪

- Made in Georgia.