All language subtitles for Archer 2009 S12E07 Colt Express 1080p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-FLUX (1)_track4_[eng]

[monitor beeping]

[soft dramatic music]

- [sighs] How much longer
is this gonna take?

- I don't know,
how long does it take a man

to become a God, Lana?

- I don't know, ten minutes?

- I still don't understand

why I have to be this naked
in front of Mother.

- I don't think you all
appreciate what I've done here.

Billions of wires, carrying
trillions of data packets,

perfectly
and delicately calibrated

to dive into the wet,
gross mind of a man!

- It all looks pretty
mad scientist-y.

Oh, you've even got one
of those big power switches.

- That is a precision device!

That I've been saving
for something weird.

- So, Krieger,
how does this work?

You gonna transfer
his memory banks

into my neuro-brain stuff
or whatever?

- I call it
the reverse Frankenstein.

- Okay, definitely
mad scientist-y.

- And you're certain this will
give us the information we need

to rebuild
the device IIA stole?

- I'm certain it might
if his brain doesn't explode.

- Wait, which "his?"
Am I the "his?"

- More importantly,
are we in the splash zone?

- Shh.
Quiet!

I need total silence
to initiate the sequence.

[dramatic music]

♪

[door whooshes]
- Sorry I'm late.

I was volunteering at what
I thought was a soup kitchen--

all: Shh!
- God dammit!

- Ooh, right, sorry.

Wait, what are we doing?

- This guy has some
science thingy in his head

that we need for money,

but he's in a coma
and we're almost out of money,

so Archer's gonna
go into his brain.

- We're broke?

Is that why the vending machine
costs money now?

- No, they just
finally fixed it.

- We're technically not broke.

Just operating
on a leaner budget

now that Robert
is tightening the spigots.

- Well, money doesn't
come from spigots.

So that might be part
of the problem right there.

That, and how much did
you spend on this thingamabob?

- Well, you gotta spend money
diving into brains

to make money
diving into brains.

Speaking of thingamabob,

do I need to be hooked up
down there?

- Great question.
Ka-thunk.

[laughs maniacally]

It's working.
It's working!

- Here we go, buddy.
See you on your insides.

- No, no, no, no, no!

[electricity crackles]

- [groans]
Whoa.

- Wait, what happened?
Where did he go?

- If by he, you mean me,

well then, ta-da!

Where am I?
I'm getting a sex dungeon vibe.

- You're not far off.

- Metaphorically
or geographically.

- Did it work? Am I in?
- Nope.

But, side note,
I know how to cure comas now.

- Would have been useful
a couple of years ago.

- The soup kitchen
was a sex club.

[main title theme]

♪

- [groans]

- Can you remember anything
about who you are?

Where you come from?
- Uh...

I think maybe,
your mom's butt?

- Ooh, a funny scientist.

- Aw, come on.
I have my moments.

- I'm a scientist?
Nice.

- It's possible
the massive electric shock

may have fried
a few of his circuits.

Look, science isn't
an exact science.

- Okay,
then let's start simple.

Do you remember your name?

- Uh, no.

Bet my name's something cool
though, like, Colt.

Yeah.
Let's go with Colt.

- Damn.
That is cool.

- And you're sure
you don't want us

to call you
Dr. Something or other?

- Ugh, lame.
Trust me, Colt is fine.

Wait! I'm getting something.

A small blue house,

two children, and a wife--

- Ugh, enough.

Colt, you're a very
important scientist

on a very important
mission, okay?

To redesign the device you were
transporting in Moldova.

- Can do, I'll just grab

this pen and paper,
and voila.

Pam: Not bad.

Cheryl:
But terrible riding form.

- Oh, I guess I can't do.

- But you know the device
we're talking about?

What does it do?
- Well, if memory serves...

- And it mostly doesn't.
- It's an energy source.

Properly used, it could
eliminate our dependence

on fossil fuels altogether.

- What about improperly used?

- It could wipe out
all life on the planet.

Science, you crazy bitch.

- [chuckles]
Yeah.

- Oh, God, that must be why
IIA wants it.

- It's a classic "evil villain
destroys the world

with some sort
of weird doomsday device" plot.

Obviously.
- Oh, hey, wait.

I'm remembering
some other stuff.

One, metal rules.
- Preach, brother!

- And two, I left my notes
on a memory stick

hidden in the device,
along with a homing beacon.

Did I have a talky-talk on me
when you picked me up?

Okay, I might be able
to track it.

Whoa, who is this
hot piece of ass?

- That would be you.

- Ah, here we go.
The device is in Singapore.

- IIA's headquarters
are in Singapore.

- [sighs]
I'll get my checkbook.

[jazzy music]

♪

[knocking on door]
- That's my room service!

- We just got here.

- I preordered it
from the plane phone.

- Damn.

How do you say "Bitchin'"
in Singaporean?

- Actually, the primary
language here is Mandarin.

- Did that feel good?
Making me feel small?

- Yes, it did.

- This place is incredible.

- This was almost
our honeymoon.

Maybe an anniversary?

- Oh, sure, yeah, maybe.
Hey, where's Ray?

- Who knows? He's been asking
for a lot of time off lately.

For some family emergency
or something.

As if four cats are family.

- I'm all
for a successful mission,

but first class tickets,

and a penthouse
with room service?

We need to talk about how much
all this is costing.

- Later.
Everyone, listen up.

Lana, Cyril, and I
will survey IIA

and develop
an entrance strategy.

- Okay, this will ping
the homing beacon, I think.

Still a bit fuzzy
on the science.

- That's great.

Krieger,
you stay here with Colt,

and try to jog his memory
for more information.

- Hey,
I'll race you to remember.

Hey, I am a funny scientist.
- Eh.

- And, Mother--

- There has to be a bar
around here.

- Uh, keep doing
what you're doing.

And, Robert,
you're on point here at HQ.

- So what are they doing here?

- Um, comic relief.

- Thank you so much.

- Ah!
Are you tipping him $500?

- Relax.
It's my money.

And sometimes I like to give
service people a thrill.

- I'm sorry, Miss,
was my service unsatisfactory?

Perhaps this is generous
in your country,

but in Singapore, it's--
how would you Americans say it?

Jack shit.
- What?

- Singapore is an extremely
wealthy country.

- And there he goes again.

- Ha!
Your money means less.

- Wait, am I poor here?

- Do you really have to bring
that up right now?

- What?
All I said was,

"Trouble in hell,"

as a play on
"trouble in paradise,"

because your husband sucks,

and it seems like
you're avoiding him,

which,
now that I think about it,

I should've said,
"success in hell?"

- I don't want
to talk about it.

- What happened?
Did you tell him about

tongue-wrestling
that dude in Japan?

- Jesus, Archer!
- You cheated on Robert?

- No!

Well, I almost, sort of,
kissed someone else.

- Oh, my God.
- But that's all that happened!

- Besides the cuddling.
- Not helpful.

- [panting]
- Okay, how about now?

- No, I don't think
the jogging's working.

Hey, what if you put me back in
the coma and woke me up again?

A hard reset.

- That's just crazy enough
to work.

Or not work.
Pretty 50/50.

- I think I remember
liking those odds.

- God, I love science!
- Well, I don't.

Cyril: Dammit, Lana, if you're
making a cuckold of Robert,

he deserves to know!

- That is not what's happening!
And who are you to judge?

You and I both cheated
on each other!

- And it broke me!

- Not a real high bar.
- [sighs]

Cyril, I'm sorry
for the past, okay?

But this is different.

I am not the same person
I was back then.

- Also, I never told you about
any of the times

I cheated on you
when we were together,

and trust me, Lana,
you were way happier for it.

- Oh, you never had to tell me.

[glass shatters]

Archer: Shh, follow me.
We're gonna go in the bedroom.

- [giggling]
- Oh, so anyway,

uh, this is what
a king-size bed looks like.

I'll see you out,
Mrs. My Dentist.

- [cackles]
- She fell for it!

Let's just focus
on the mission--

infiltrating this weirdly
casual botanical garden.

Wait, I think we did it.

- This is the top spy agency
in the world.

You can't just waltz right in.

- Really?
Because it seems to be working.

[dramatic music]

Bingo.
All--

- Clear!
[electricity crackles]

- What the hell are you doing?

- Uh, putting the ghost back
in the meat suit.

Going again!
- [gasps]

- 1 Bukit Batok Street,
25, Singapore, 658882!

That's my address.
I lived here!

Also, I talked to God.
She is real, and she is pissed.

- Sounds like my kind of broad.
- Okay.

Go to that address and see
if he remembers anything else.

We'll stay here
and handle the comms.

- Okay, are you sure
you know how?

- Go!

- Don't worry, we've got this.

- Sterling?
Sterling, it's me.

- Sorry, Malory, we have
a similar system at my company.

I think you're on mute.

- Turn it up.
Sterling?

Sterling!
Sterling!

- And to speak,
you gotta hold down the--

- If you move that hand
another inch,

you won't have it anymore.

[sneaky music]

- Thanks for joining
the IIA team.

Have a seat
and fill out this application.

Orientation will start shortly.

- Uh, okay.

Well, well, well,
look who just waltzed right in.

- We didn't have a choice.

Some IIA drone
handed us cucumber waters

and told us not to miss
the orientation.

- And he complimented
my surveilling.

Looks like this is some
sort of recruitment event.

Oh, they must be poaching
agents all over the industry.

- Welcome.
Hey, y'all, come on in.

Come on in, welcome.

All right, let's fill up
from back to front.

- Wait, Ray?
- Archer!

Uh, this isn't
what it looks like.

Unless it looks like
I'm working for IIA,

because then, yeah.

Although technically
I'm temp to perm.

- Welcome to the IIA family.

You're about to start
the most exciting journey

of your lives.

To be honest, I'm jealous.

- Ray, what in the Harold Cole?
You're working for IIA?

- [whispering harshly]
It's not personal.

I just need a back-up plan
in case the agency goes down.

- So you've been commuting
back and forth

to work part-time in Singapore?

- I just borrow Robert's plane.
I mean, that way it's free 99.

- IIA may be the world's
leading spy agency,

but we only have one mission--

to make the world
a better place.

- Ugh, why do all billionaires
have this gross savior complex?

- You're married
to a billionaire.

- For now.
- Shut it.

- What are y'all talking about?

- Lana cheated on Robert.
- We just cuddled!

- Which is emotional cheating,
which is way worse!

- Yeah, she's a monster.
- Oh, my God. I want to die.

- And I want deets!

God, I have missed
the hot goss.

- Home sweet home.

I guess I'm not married
with kids.

- Hmm, this is your place?
Ooh and ah.

- As in, I'm in awe
of how eww it is.

- I guess
if I lived in Singapore,

I'd have to live
in a hellhole like this.

Probably drowning
in my own urine.

- Oops, rent notice.

Damn, my rent
is $12,000 per month?

- Um, wait.
Is that a lot?

all: Yes!

- Whoa, sweet guitars!

- Right?
I hope they're mine.

- Does any of this
spark anything?

- Oh, not yet.

[gasps]
Oh, no!

No! No!
- What?

- My name's not Colt.
It's Jeremy!

Ugh.

- Wait, what's on
the back of that?

- Numbers.
- Yes!

Location coordinates,
to be exact.

- Let's roll out, bitches.

- Hold on, I feel like there
has to be something else.

I think this
might be important.

- Okay, well, just bring it
with you and--

- And I think
this might be important.

The model submarine
and this broken plastic fork

are definitely important.

- Okay.
- And this!

The model submarine,
the broken plastic fork,

and this poster of an alien
in a bikini are all important.

- Sure, fine, now can we just--

- And this!
This is for sure important.

Oh, God, no!
[sculpture shatters]

- Wait, what about this?
- Eh, nah, that's nothing.

- But it was hidden
in that statue!

- [scoffs] Okay, fine.
But you're carrying it.

Fabian:
That's the big question?

Well, here at IIA,

the answer
is flipping the paradigm

so we achieve our measurables
with maximum ROI cost-benefit.

- Oh, hey, I just got
corporate buzzword bingo.

- Well, mock all you want, but
Fabian knows what he's doing.

- Oh, yeah, and what is that?

Securing a monopoly
over the entire spy industry

so he can corner the market
and gain undue influence

over national
and global politics?

- He also makes a mean quiche.

- It's all just so structured.

Oh!
An org chart?

- Hey!
Snap out of it.

- Right.
Bad guys.

Organized, sensible,
401k-providing bad guys.

- Listen, this orientation
is our chance, okay?

We have to get further
into the building

without drawing attention.

- Good luck. Security might
be breezy out here,

but nobody gets into zone two
without a lapel chip.

It also controls
when we can use the bathroom,

which seems, you know,
like a crime, almost.

Hey!
They make us pay for these!

[dramatic music]

- Good God, this guy is lame.

This is supposed to be
our competition?

- Mm, technically, no.
He's crushing us.

- You're so lucky
this ripped on a seam.

You could've asked me for help,
you know.

- Could I? Or are you too busy
working for the competition?

- Again, not our competition.

- He's got a point, Ray.

- Of course
I'm gonna help you!

I mean, don't get me wrong,
the money's great here,

but y'all are family.

- I'm gonna try pinging
the homing beacon.

Ray: That must be
the underground warehouse.

- Great. Can you take us there?
- Sure thing.

Oh, I just earned
my bathroom break for the day.

Who needs a pit stop?

- I could tinkle.
- No time.

Just pee in your pants.
It's what we trained for.

Malory:
Sterling, dear, it's me.

Robert:
What is your status regarding

Operation IIA Take Down?
Over.

- Damn it!

Malory: Sterling?
Sterling!

- Moms, right?

♪

[grunts]

- Aw, totally bungling a
mission for avoidable reasons?

Ah, it takes me back.

- Well, that was easy.

Hey, what's the form
you fill out

for getting your ass kicked?

- Looks like 22-C,
which entitles them

to free rehabilitation and
up to four weeks sick leave.

- Shit!
Guys, the memory stick

is on the move
from the warehouse.

- Okay, let's split up.
Lana and Cyril,

you get to the warehouse
and rig the device to explode.

Ray and I will find
the memory stick

and we'll meet you there.

[device beeps]

- Oh, no,
why'd it have to be Terry?

- Please, we can take him.

- No, he's just the only friend
I've made here.

We ate lunch everyday
at the same table.

Walkie-talkie: Attention.

All agents, be on the lookout
for suspicious elements.

- Ah, buttercups.

- Any weaknesses
I should know about?

- He loves pudding?

- Probably won't come up,
but okay.

- Ah--
[grunts]

- This isn't personal!

I genuinely value you
as a co-worker and a friend!

- Who are you?
- Oh, screw you, guy!

[soft suspenseful music]

♪

- Guards.
Be careful.

- Should we tiptoe?

Like you're tiptoeing
around Robert?

- Cyril, I swear to God.

- What will you do
if he finds out?

- Well,
as long as no limp-dick,

four-eyed nerds
run their mouths, he won't!

- One, we both know my penis

is generally firm
when it needs to be.

And two, I've been hesitant
to say this,

but you leave me no choice.

Lana Kane,
you are turning into Archer.

- And you are turning into
a gigantic pain

in my otherwise perfect ass.

There's our target.

Okay, I'll create
a distraction--

- No, I've got this.

Watch the bureaucratic master
at work.

You there!

You can't be on guard duty, you
forgot to fill out your T9-32!

- Got it right here, pal.
- Oh.

But that truck
isn't a company asset,

which means you also need a--

- A CM-5?
Not my first rodeo.

Hey, don't you need a VS-10
to be in here?

- Crap. Good bureaucracy.

[gunshots]

Okay, maybe not
the best distraction.

- Ya think?

- Just like
your emotional affair

isn't the best distraction
from the fact that--

- Oh, my God.
I'm not turning into Archer!

- Really?
Let's look at the evidence.

You hit on anything that moves,

you party all night
and sleep all day,

and you've been taking
way too many

gummy women's multivitamins.

- Wait, that's an Archer thing?

[device beeping]

[alarms blaring]

- Damn it, those explosives
were the only way

to blow up the device.

- All right, so we'll rig
a bomb or something.

- Improvising?
Okay, "Archer."

- What?
- Enough!

- Everybody enough!
If I know IIA,

Diamond Force is probably
coming for us right now!

- Diamond Force?
- The elite kill squad.

They all wear
matching diamond rings.

- Cool.

- Well, we can't leave
the device and risk IIA

using it to blow up the world,
which means...

- Yeah?

- Oh, I had hoped
you had something.

- This is the nicest
parking lot I've ever seen.

What do you think this space
goes for right here

between these lines?
Like, 5, 6 million?

- Do you recognize
anything yet, Colt?

- Hold up.
I thought his name was Jeremy.

- I'm sticking with Colt,
damn it!

[gasps
There, that's it.

Krieger: Oh, my God.
It's gorgeous!

Colt: Just installed
a new engine last year.

There's a kegerator
in the back,

and she gets
three miles per gallon.

But on a good downhill, I can
jack that baby up to four.

- How do you remember
nothing about who you are,

and everything about this van?

- I mean, I get it.

[tires screech]

- Change of plans.
- As usual.

- What the? Ray?

- Pam! Guess what?

We don't have time for this.
It's Diamond Force!

♪

[dramatic music]

♪

- What's the plan, Archer?

- Um, swerve until they
accidentally shoot the device

and blow it up for us?

Someone get Mother on comms!

I need some cataract-filled
eyes in the sky.

- We no longer have comms
because you two destroyed them!

- Shouting at me doesn't
make me regret things, Cyril!

- Yeah, sometimes you have
to make a call in the moment!

- Ho-ho, of course
you'd take his side.

- Who's side?
Mine?

- I am not! Turning!
Into Archer!

- Okay, I really feel like
you guys are talking about me.

- Damn it, could you be quiet?
- Wow, passive aggressive much?

- Not the point, asshole.

This is Ray to Old Mother Hen.
Do you copy?

Malory: What did he say?
Archer: Mother!

- It's them!
We're back online!

Archer: I need you
to find me a cliff!

- You look!
- Yeah! Teamwork!

Okay, looking for a cliff.

Let's see,
there's a gentle slope.

It's really beautiful country.

- Oh, my God, dying over here!

- There! The Marina Bay Sands!

There's the incomplete freeway
overpass nearby.

- Yes!

I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but nice work, Robert.

[tires screeching]

♪

Okay. Everybody in the van.

- Excuse me,
his name is Jethro Kull!

- Whatever!

- Smooth in-line tracking,

and accurate
ceiling constellations?

This van rocks!

- Did someone say, "rock?"

[radical guitar chord]

- Ragnar Rockingson!

- Oh, good, another Krieger.

[gunshots]

- [grunts]

- [whimpers]

- Get the memory stick
and Colt out of here!

Lana: What about you?

- I'm gonna ditch the flatbed
over the overpass

and hope the fall
destroys the device.

- What if you can't
make it out in time?

Just jump the gap
and we'll lose them!

- This way's more heroic!

- Asshole!
[grunts]

♪

- [growls]

[screaming]

- Archer!

- Ah, shit.

- Sterling Archer.
- Present.

- You may have destroyed
my device and stolen my plans,

but you left us with a
very powerful bargaining chip--

- My life?
- Your life!

- Shit, sorry. I can tell you
thought that would sound cool.

Here, try it again.

Blah blah blah,
bargaining chip, and--

ah, shit!

- Do you ever shut up?

- At movies, I guess.

If they're good--ow!

Cheryl: Oh, God,
Mr. Archer is gonna die,

and the agency
is gonna go bankrupt,

and I'll be stuck in Singapore
living in this van!

- Back seat folds down
into a bed.

- Oh, my God, it does!

- You know you're still bonkers
rich in America, right?

- Oh, yeah. I feel better.
Let's go home.

- Okay, what about
saving Archer and the agency?

- Eh, I've got options.

- Cyril, cover me.
I'm going after him.

- And how do you plan
to do that?

That's Diamond Force!

I mean, did you see
those rings?

- I'll figure it out
on the way!

- So no plan.
Just like Archer.

Risking everything
for whatever works for you.

[soft dramatic music]

- It's a shame it had to come
to this, Sterling Archer.

- Yeah, I'm feeling that too.

Might be a near death
thing though.

- Near death?
I don't want to kill you.

I want you to work for me.

It's just a shame it involved
blowing up my warehouse.

- What? When we first met
you said you'd never hire me.

- What can I say?
You've grown on me.

Your pure,
raw instincts are something

no organizational flowchart
can replace.

- Well, right now, my pure,
raw instincts are saying,

"Screw you, Fabian!

"I'll never help you
with your classic

"evil villain
destroys the world

with some sort of
weird doomsday device plot!"

♪

- What?
- You heard me. Never!

- Wait, do you think I'm, like,
some kind of, super villain?

[laughs]

Oh, my God, that's so--
oh, that's so funny.

Okay, I can totally see how it
could have come off that way.

- Wait, so you're not trying
to destroy the world?

- No!

Archer,
I want to use the device

for its intended purpose--

eliminating our global
dependency on fossil fuels.

- Really?
Wow.

I mean,
talk about crossed wires.

- But first, I'm going to make
fossil fuel companies

pay me a huge ransom
not to use the device,

whilst also running
a protection racket

over every major country
to ensure I don't blow them up.

- Okay, wires uncrossed.

You're evil.
I'm back out.

- Shame, I'm going
to make trillions.

And you could have been
part of it.

But alas.

- [laughs]
Holy shit!

Oh, my God.

Oh, you guys are
in so much trouble.

Let me introduce you to Barry
the death cyborg,

who actually is my friend now,
right, Barry?

- Sorry, pal.
It's actually Other Barry.

- Made in Georgia.