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1
00:00:02,535 --> 00:00:04,937
[malory]
which brings us
to our penultimate item,
2
00:00:04,939 --> 00:00:09,141
Which concerns-- yet again,
and to no great surprise--
3
00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:10,709
The restrooms.
4
00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:13,045
Specifically,
the towel dispensers.
5
00:00:13,047 --> 00:00:16,648
Why'd you get the loopy,
old-timey cloth kind
in the first place?
6
00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:17,883
Because-- shut up.
7
00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:19,284
And I don't know
who's doing it,
8
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:21,120
And I doubt even god knows why,
9
00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:23,155
But my next step is to have
10
00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:25,391
The damn things swabbed for dna!
11
00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:27,292
[chattering in discontent]
12
00:00:27,294 --> 00:00:31,230
Seems like it'd be easier
just to take out the trash cans.
13
00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:34,566
Whoever's doing it,
they obviously have to
climb up on a trash can.
14
00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,235
'cause it's like, up here, so--
15
00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:39,071
Wow. Name a handsome
hollywood power lawyer
16
00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:41,740
Who is having
major second thoughts
about hiring you people.
17
00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:45,077
Mr. Shapiro!
Boom! Square gets the square!
18
00:00:45,079 --> 00:00:47,379
And I get going.
You guys validate?
19
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:50,416
Mr. Shapiro, please,
as I said on the phone,
20
00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:52,551
The figgis agency values
your business,
21
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,586
And I can assure you
this internal affair
22
00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:57,089
Doesn't reflect our ability
as investigators, so--
23
00:00:57,091 --> 00:00:58,490
Yes, it does.
Archer?
24
00:00:58,492 --> 00:00:59,725
What? Shut up.
If anything,
25
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,427
It proves I'm
a great investigator.
26
00:01:01,429 --> 00:01:04,430
I totally just
encyclopedia browned
that thing.
27
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:07,733
[gasps]
bugs meany is wiping his ass
on our towels?
28
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:11,603
No, dummy!
Yes! It's the only explanation!
29
00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:13,939
Well, or any of the tigers.
30
00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:16,241
So, is it like a stamp,
or stickers--
31
00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:18,410
Please, you've come
all this way.
32
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:21,680
And obviously you thought
we were the right agency
for the job.
33
00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:24,683
And besides,
we're only 25 cents a day,
plus expenses.
34
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:26,018
For the love of christ,
woman!
35
00:01:26,020 --> 00:01:28,387
Seriously,
you gotta shut up.
36
00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:29,955
You shut up!
Because I'm catching
37
00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:32,357
The first bus
outta this hick town!
38
00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:34,093
[glass breaks]
[door slams]
39
00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:35,928
Ha! So long, idaville!
40
00:01:35,930 --> 00:01:36,962
As I was saying--
41
00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:38,530
[sighs]
okay.
42
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:40,099
Hmm?
Okay!
43
00:01:40,101 --> 00:01:42,868
I can't get anyone else
on such late notice, and--
44
00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:45,737
I dunno. Maybe you people
can handle this job, so...
45
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:48,407
Mind if I, uh,
beep boop?
46
00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:51,143
Oh, preesh. Okay, so
47
00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:52,911
I'm sure you all
remember my client,
48
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:55,147
Hollywood legend veronica deane.
49
00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:56,482
Remember?
Ugh.
50
00:01:56,484 --> 00:01:58,050
Who could forget?
Right?
51
00:01:58,052 --> 00:02:00,219
She almost makes me q my g.
52
00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:01,787
What, did she die of old age?
53
00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:03,822
Oh, for the-- she's 50!
54
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:06,658
And, if anything,
more beautiful than ever.
55
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:07,926
Especially when she's wearing--
56
00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:10,329
[gasps, overlapping comments]
57
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:12,764
...The tsarina, an emerald
and diamond necklace
58
00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:16,668
Crafted for empress
maria alexandrovna in 1855,
59
00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:20,739
And now the, uh, centerpiece
of ms. Deane's collection.
60
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:23,642
My god, it must
be worth millions!
61
00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,177
[gasps]
and you want us to steal it!
62
00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:29,014
I-- no! No, that's the exact
opposite of what I want.
63
00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:31,617
She wants to wear the tsarina
to a fund-raiser
64
00:02:31,619 --> 00:02:34,353
Hosted by her ex-husband,
ellis crane,
65
00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:38,157
Oscar-winning director
and also total jit-rag.
66
00:02:38,159 --> 00:02:39,658
Ooh!
He's handsome!
67
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:41,493
Ugh! Total jit-rag.
68
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,529
Wearing that necklace
to a crowded event
69
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,197
Seems like a pretty big risk.
70
00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:46,832
I know. Believe me,
71
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:49,001
I tried to talk ms. Deane
out of wearing it, but--
72
00:02:49,003 --> 00:02:50,636
Is it just to rub it
in his face?
73
00:02:50,638 --> 00:02:53,272
[chuckles]
man, I'd rub it in his face!
74
00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:57,009
[grunting]
75
00:02:57,011 --> 00:03:00,512
Pam!
I will stop,
but I will not apologize.
76
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,614
So, you want us
to guard the necklace.
77
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:04,683
Yes. Undercover,
at the fund-raiser.
78
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:10,522
For which, I am prepared to pay
your agency s-- $50,000.
79
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,558
Oh, nice!
Pretty good.
80
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,326
But surely the necklace
is insured.
81
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:16,028
And even if the deductible
was, like--
82
00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:17,963
Obviously more
than that, lana.
83
00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:20,132
Yeah, lana.
Holy shit-snacks!
84
00:03:20,134 --> 00:03:23,135
So we're going to a no-shit
black-tie hollywood gala?
85
00:03:23,137 --> 00:03:24,670
Well, yes, but--
86
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,638
But what do we wear?
Is it, like, gowns and gloves?
87
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,874
And do I rent a girdle?
Are there gonna be
dress fittings?
88
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:31,310
Do I get a bikini wax?
And I don't know my tiara size!
89
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:33,345
And, oh, my god,
what of shoes?
90
00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:36,815
Uh, your attire
will be provided.
91
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:39,985
This is gonna be
suckin' amazing!
92
00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:44,156
Yeah.
For five-eighths of you.
93
00:04:19,892 --> 00:04:21,560
♪ [string quartet]
94
00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:24,997
[pam] and so,
when I said "suckin' amazing"...
95
00:04:26,633 --> 00:04:29,201
Obviously I meant
"suckin' bullshit."
96
00:04:29,203 --> 00:04:30,202
[sighs]
I mean...
97
00:04:30,204 --> 00:04:31,436
Seriously?
98
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,905
Oh, quit your griping,
you three.
99
00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:35,941
The whole idea
is to blend in, so...
100
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:37,376
Meaning?
101
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:40,112
No. Meaning just...
You know--
102
00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:42,748
[gasps]
you can't put lipstick
on a pig.
103
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:44,283
Really?
Excuse you?
What's that supposed to mean?
104
00:04:44,285 --> 00:04:46,952
Well, that's a little harsh.
And also inaccurate.
105
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,320
Lipstick,
they don't really mind,
106
00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:51,156
But mascara?
Huh, whole big thing.
107
00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:53,292
And I suppose he's blending?
108
00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:56,261
Who?
You,
otto von jizmarck.
109
00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:57,896
I was gonna say
franz turdinand.
110
00:04:57,898 --> 00:05:00,232
Eh...
Guys, come on.
What's going on here?
111
00:05:00,234 --> 00:05:02,334
I was just explaining
some basic tenets
112
00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:04,136
Of fieldcraft to these three.
113
00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:05,737
Yeah, you gotta blend,
114
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:07,239
But I meant what's going on
hors d'oeuvre-wise.
115
00:05:07,241 --> 00:05:08,273
Wouldn't you like to--
116
00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:10,142
[clears throat]
blend.
117
00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:12,311
[sighs]
this is a deconstructed slider
118
00:05:12,313 --> 00:05:13,912
Made from certified kobe beef
119
00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:15,447
From hyogo prefecture,
120
00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:16,848
With a tarragon aioli.
121
00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:19,284
Tapas of pata negra
jamón iberico,
122
00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:21,420
Topped with queso
torta del casar.
123
00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:23,522
And these are tiny quiches,
124
00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:25,624
Probably made from endangered
quail eggs, or--
125
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:27,759
No, none of this is that.
126
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:32,664
This is the world's most
expensive mc10:35.
127
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:33,932
[moaning]
128
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,801
Oh, for the--
sterling!
129
00:05:35,803 --> 00:05:37,169
Is that really necessary?
130
00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:38,937
Mm. Mm-hm.
131
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:40,472
Mm. Ah.
132
00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:42,140
Lana, this is hollywood.
133
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:44,609
None of this
is even remotely necessary.
134
00:05:44,611 --> 00:05:46,178
[people gasping]
135
00:05:49,048 --> 00:05:50,515
So if you'll excuse me,
136
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,352
I'm gonna go guard
some priceless emeralds.
137
00:05:53,354 --> 00:05:54,519
Oh, really?
138
00:05:54,521 --> 00:05:56,154
You're gonna go do the job
139
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:58,156
I'm paying you
a fortune to do?
140
00:05:58,158 --> 00:05:59,858
Might as well.
141
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:01,693
I'm already here.
142
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:04,062
And speaking of guarding
the tsarina,
143
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:07,666
Do you think
the optimal formation
for that is a clump?
144
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:10,369
[sighs]
really?
Some bullshit job.
145
00:06:10,371 --> 00:06:15,807
Oh, my god, even for idaville,
this stupid party
is so boring!
146
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:18,910
Like, hire a clown,
tinnitus people.
147
00:06:21,314 --> 00:06:24,216
Whatever, pocket tony montana.
148
00:06:24,218 --> 00:06:28,854
Wait! Tiny montana.
149
00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:30,756
[laughs]
150
00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:32,257
Either one,
151
00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:36,728
Oughta be quarantined
in the sick burn unit.
152
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:37,829
[chattering]
153
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,364
Excuse me.
Hi. Pardon me.
154
00:06:39,366 --> 00:06:40,499
Sterling archer.
155
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:41,700
Hello. Pardon me.
156
00:06:41,702 --> 00:06:43,368
Or move, basically.
157
00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:45,036
Good evening, archbishop.
158
00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:47,105
Could you hold this for me?
159
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:49,374
Pardon me.
Yep. S-sorry.
160
00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:50,842
That was my hand.
161
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,577
Jesus, glad I'm
not allergic to mink.
162
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,513
Right?
Hm?
163
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:58,350
Oh, hi. Uh, so sorry.
I thought you were
commodore perry.
164
00:06:58,352 --> 00:07:00,252
[grumbling]
oh, how dare you!
165
00:07:00,254 --> 00:07:02,087
Remember the maine!
166
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,422
[woman]
couple things.
167
00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:06,191
A, perry opened japan
to the west.
168
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:08,760
He died 40 years before
the sinking of the maine,
169
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,129
The cause of which--
spoiler alert--
170
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:14,433
Has since been proven to be
improper coal storage,
171
00:07:14,435 --> 00:07:16,601
Not a spanish harbor mine.
172
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:17,969
And two...
173
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:19,938
He didn't have sideburns.
174
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:20,972
Did he not?
175
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:22,641
[chuckles]
no.
176
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:25,143
He was totally...
[slurps]
177
00:07:25,145 --> 00:07:27,312
Completely...
[slurps]
178
00:07:27,314 --> 00:07:31,716
Clean...
[slurps]
179
00:07:31,718 --> 00:07:33,218
Shaven.
180
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:36,154
Wow. Talk about
smooth sailing.
181
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:38,924
It was clearly
the age of steam.
182
00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:41,226
Hi. Sterling archer.
183
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:43,395
What the--
that little bitch!
184
00:07:43,397 --> 00:07:45,997
Oh, you're way prettier
than her.
185
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:47,065
I meant archer.
186
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:50,068
And also, dahoy.
187
00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:51,303
[loud munching]
188
00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:53,939
Oh!
Shut up!
189
00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:56,475
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Think you're gonna flirt--
190
00:07:56,477 --> 00:07:57,776
Hello.
Right in front of me--
191
00:07:57,778 --> 00:07:59,845
Hi. With some c-list c-word!
192
00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:00,979
[man]
impossible.
193
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,080
Huh?
194
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:03,949
My dear, how can this be?
195
00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:06,151
How have you never been
in one of my pictures?
196
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:08,587
Hm. Because
I'm not an actress?
197
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,822
Huh. In what sense?
198
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:11,857
Every.
199
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:13,925
Perhaps we should begin anew.
200
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:16,962
Ellis crane,
academy award winner.
201
00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:19,297
Lana kane,
private investigator.
202
00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:20,432
You're kidding.
203
00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:22,434
No, so if you ever have
204
00:08:22,436 --> 00:08:24,503
Anything that needs
private investigating--
205
00:08:24,505 --> 00:08:26,304
I thought you were a producer.
206
00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:28,607
Uh, I produce results.
207
00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:30,942
[groans]
idiot!
208
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:32,210
How was that my fault?
209
00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:33,945
How is everything your fault?
210
00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,447
[pam]
aw, leave him alone.
211
00:08:35,449 --> 00:08:37,716
He's not the one trying
to shuck your lady-corn.
212
00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:39,718
My what?
213
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,621
Oh, so that's
how it is now, huh?
214
00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:45,657
Well, then you can tell lana
that two can play at that game.
215
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:46,825
Where's veronica deane?
216
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:48,360
[chuckles]
how should I know?
217
00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:51,029
Y-- because you're supposed
to be guarding her.
218
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,865
I'm also supposed
to be pooling tips.
219
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:57,235
Which I haven't gotten
any yet, so...
220
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,237
Hey, ray!
You getting any tips?
221
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:02,040
Hang on!
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
222
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,242
[grunts]
idiot!
223
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:06,044
What's up her
bleached asshole?
224
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,979
Okay, so, I've been watching
like a hawk,
225
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:10,549
And here's the whats--
lana's pissed at archer
226
00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:13,585
'cause she thought he was
macking on bleached asshole,
and she's pissed at archer
227
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,186
'cause she thought
he was a hollywood honcho
228
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:16,922
Like ol' whitey crane
over there,
229
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:19,491
Who is macking on lana,
who's totally full of crap
230
00:09:19,493 --> 00:09:22,494
'cause deep down,
she's totally buyin'
into whitey's bullshit.
231
00:09:22,496 --> 00:09:26,398
So to get back at her,
archer's gonna pretend
to mack on, but not really,
232
00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,367
'cause deep down,
he's got a real-life
crush-boner for her,
233
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:30,669
Veronica deane!
234
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:32,671
Who we're supposed
to be guarding.
235
00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,439
Well, "whom," but yeah.
236
00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:36,174
And she is...
237
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:37,509
I don't know who she's into.
238
00:09:37,511 --> 00:09:39,077
I meant, where is she?
239
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,245
How should I know?
240
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:42,614
Yeah, who is she, kate warne?
241
00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:43,615
What?
Anyway,
242
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:45,350
I don't want to jinx it,
243
00:09:45,352 --> 00:09:49,621
But this might end up...
[ominous voice]
a murder mystery.
244
00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:51,856
Well, fingers crossed.
245
00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:53,191
Clump!
[others gasp]
246
00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:54,626
Aah...
247
00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:55,827
[shatters]
248
00:10:06,038 --> 00:10:08,273
[archer grunting]
okay. Okay, here we go.
249
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,542
[clears throat]
hello?
250
00:10:10,544 --> 00:10:13,011
Excuse me, miss deane?
251
00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:18,483
Yes?
252
00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:20,285
[gulps]
253
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:22,621
I have tinnitus.
254
00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:24,422
[pam]
why do we have to clean it up?
255
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:26,424
Her dumb ass broke
the damn thing.
256
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:28,393
Well, he's the one sneaking
around, scaring people
257
00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:29,661
Like casper the ghost.
258
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:32,731
A-- casper was
the friendly ghost.
259
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:36,568
Well, take a page
from his book.
260
00:10:36,570 --> 00:10:38,303
You ever wonder
how casper died?
261
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:41,439
When you're finished here,
un-clump!
262
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:43,642
'cause my theory
is casper and spooky
263
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:46,411
Were kidnapped, raped,
and murdered...
264
00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:47,846
By stevie.
265
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:50,649
Wow, that sounds
pretty dark.
266
00:10:50,651 --> 00:10:52,984
No, miss kane, not dark.
267
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,452
Noir.
268
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:56,354
I--
or nouveau noir,
if you must,
269
00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:57,789
But rest assured, my dear,
270
00:10:57,791 --> 00:11:00,692
Deadly velvetwill redefine the genre.
271
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:02,527
Of the private-eye movie?
272
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:03,962
[gasps]
273
00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:04,996
[imitates arrow whooshing]
274
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,531
[grunts]
275
00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:08,033
Um, are you--
276
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:09,668
Madam, you wound me.
277
00:11:09,670 --> 00:11:11,369
[grunts]
278
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:14,372
Deadly velvet is going to be
a cinematic tour de force,
279
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:17,142
And I want you
deeply involved.
280
00:11:17,144 --> 00:11:19,878
Well, but I haven't been
a private investigator
281
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:20,945
For very long.
282
00:11:20,947 --> 00:11:22,380
Had shocking blue been a band
283
00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,449
Very long before
they recorded "venus"?
284
00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:25,517
I--
no.
285
00:11:25,519 --> 00:11:26,651
I don't know.
286
00:11:26,653 --> 00:11:27,786
We can't know.
287
00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,621
And speaking of not knowing...
288
00:11:29,623 --> 00:11:31,623
What does a technical advisor
even do?
289
00:11:31,625 --> 00:11:33,458
Well, advise on technical
matters, of course,
290
00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:35,160
But I think
you could also help me
291
00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:39,330
Really get inside the mind
of the private detective.
292
00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:43,334
What... Makes... Her... Tick.
293
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:45,336
Oh, wow, it's a female lead?
294
00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:48,006
What?
[laughing]
295
00:11:48,008 --> 00:11:49,240
Oh, god, no.
296
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:51,976
What does lana think
she's doing?
297
00:11:51,978 --> 00:11:53,578
Well, I think she's--
298
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:54,913
She's embarrassing herself.
That's what.
299
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:56,748
Fawning all over ellis crane.
300
00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,183
Trying to make archer--
301
00:11:58,185 --> 00:11:59,718
When he's clearly
much better suited
302
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:01,553
For a woman like, well,
303
00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:02,721
Me.
304
00:12:02,723 --> 00:12:04,989
Jealous. Hey, how's ron?
305
00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:06,424
He's great.
306
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:09,027
How's nobody?
307
00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:11,730
[laughing]
308
00:12:11,732 --> 00:12:13,031
You're gon--
309
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:14,399
[laughing]
310
00:12:15,935 --> 00:12:17,736
I [bleep] you on a blimp.
311
00:12:17,738 --> 00:12:19,537
[laughing]
312
00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:21,439
Oh, my god!
313
00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:23,742
That's right.
314
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:25,877
Man, what ever happened
to blimps?
315
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:27,846
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
316
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:29,280
I mean, I do have tinnitus,
317
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:30,749
But that's not the main thing.
318
00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:32,617
I'm sorry. I'm babbling.
319
00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:34,619
Hello. Uh, sterling archer.
320
00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:37,222
And we have actually met.
321
00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:39,724
You hired me to meet
some blackmailers
322
00:12:39,726 --> 00:12:41,726
And exchange--
[muffled]
323
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:43,094
I know exactly who you are.
324
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,195
Hm?
325
00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:45,630
What I don't know, mr. Archer,
326
00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:47,966
Is why you would think it
even remotely acceptable
327
00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:49,434
To discuss
such private matters
328
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,969
In such a public setting.
329
00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:52,137
[muffled]
330
00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,371
[sighs]
331
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:54,539
I'm sorry.
332
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:57,308
It's all just
so very sensitive.
333
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:58,643
Now, why are you here?
334
00:12:58,645 --> 00:13:01,112
Well, for one thing,
it's a great cause.
335
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,114
But for another,
more accurate thing,
336
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,916
We're here because
shapiro hired us.
337
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:06,151
What? Why?
338
00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:07,719
To guard the the tsarina.
339
00:13:07,721 --> 00:13:10,155
[gasps] I knew
I shouldn't have worn it.
340
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:12,090
No-- yes,
you totally should have.
341
00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:14,425
And I get it.
I get why you did.
342
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,661
I wore it bec--
because, come to find out,
343
00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:19,798
You and I find ourselves
in the same boat.
What?
344
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,666
And it's a totally shit boat,
345
00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:24,803
And the cargo
is pathetic petty jealousy.
346
00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:26,404
What?
And so I apologize
347
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:27,672
For being so forward,
348
00:13:27,674 --> 00:13:29,340
But I think
this needs to happen,
349
00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:31,242
And I think it's a win-win.
350
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:32,677
What--
[muffled]
351
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:34,679
[moans]
[groans]
352
00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:35,914
[moans]
353
00:13:35,916 --> 00:13:37,682
[lana gasps]
354
00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:39,684
Mother--
[gun fires]
355
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,586
[crowd gasps]
356
00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:42,987
[woman screams]
♪ [stops]
357
00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:44,289
What the--
358
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,757
[cackling]
359
00:13:45,759 --> 00:13:47,091
Get on the ground!
360
00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:50,962
[shouting]
361
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,297
Get down! Move!
362
00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:53,665
[shouting continues]
archer!
363
00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:55,333
Lana!
364
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,734
Come on.
365
00:13:58,103 --> 00:13:59,871
[cackling]
366
00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:01,306
[shouting]
367
00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:05,376
Ladies... And... Gentlemen...
368
00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:06,678
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
369
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,847
What are you doing?
Shut up.
370
00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:12,450
[gasps]
that is so baller.
371
00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:15,453
But, like, old-school baller.
372
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:18,189
Like medicine baller.
Shh.
373
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:21,025
[man, muffled]
children of all ages,
374
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:24,829
Welcome to this robbery.
375
00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:26,865
I am your host,
376
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:29,500
Mr. Rompers.
377
00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:31,202
And I did not tell you to stop.
378
00:14:32,338 --> 00:14:35,173
♪
379
00:14:35,175 --> 00:14:37,008
Okay, I think that red one's
the leader,
380
00:14:37,010 --> 00:14:39,010
So you're gonna want
to take him out first.
381
00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:41,246
Now, we do not wish
to harm you.
382
00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:42,981
Take him out?
With what?
383
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:45,016
[rompers]
but if you try
anything foolish...
384
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:46,417
How do you not have a gun?
385
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:47,852
Uh, dahoy.
386
00:14:47,854 --> 00:14:49,721
[rompers]
...You will die here tonight.
387
00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,256
Oh, right. Yeah, that thing's
388
00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:53,224
About three sizes too small
as it is.
389
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,226
[gasps]
and how do you not have
a gun?
390
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,161
Well, I would have
if I had a jacket,
391
00:14:57,163 --> 00:14:59,163
But since I'm just
a lowly waiter...
392
00:14:59,165 --> 00:15:01,065
Well, maybe you can pout
your way out.
393
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,400
[gun cocks]
394
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:04,202
Shh...
395
00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:05,436
That was her,
396
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,171
Running her fat mouth.
397
00:15:07,173 --> 00:15:09,140
♪ [string quartet continues]
398
00:15:17,716 --> 00:15:18,950
[rompers]
ladies and gentlemen,
399
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:21,386
Please,
this is all very simple.
400
00:15:21,388 --> 00:15:23,521
Every phone line has been cut.
401
00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:25,890
Every exit
has been booby-trapped.
402
00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:28,793
Now, please,
give your cell phones
to mr. Oingo.
403
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:30,762
He's the handsome gentleman
in orange.
404
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:33,097
And give your valuables
to mr. Boingo.
405
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:35,099
He's the handsome gentleman
in blue!
406
00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:38,069
Please,
we do not wish to harm you!
407
00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:40,705
Please, just do as they say!
408
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:43,408
Thank you, my good sir.
Finished?
409
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:45,543
Hm? Uh, hm. Uh, yes--
410
00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:47,045
[crowd screams]
411
00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:48,279
Are you insane?
412
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:49,714
I don't know.
Maybe.
413
00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:51,115
But check this out.
414
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:52,817
[crowd screams]
415
00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:54,752
And that, ladies and germs,
416
00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:57,255
Is the very best
you can expect.
417
00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:59,157
And if veronica deane
418
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:01,926
Doesn't get her wrinkly old ass
out here with the tsarina,
419
00:16:01,928 --> 00:16:04,462
I guess
we'll have to go find it!
420
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,431
[gasping]
shh.
421
00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:07,932
First of all...
422
00:16:07,934 --> 00:16:10,601
Giggles! Yum-yum!
Pinky brewster!
423
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:15,273
Tear this place apart,
room by room!
424
00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:16,841
And please don't take this
the wrong way,
425
00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:19,677
But your butt is like ka-kow.
426
00:16:19,679 --> 00:16:20,778
They're going to kill me.
427
00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:22,413
No, no, they're not.
428
00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:24,849
I have a plan, but I'm going
to need you to trust me.
429
00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:26,117
Why?
430
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:27,452
Because this.
431
00:16:27,454 --> 00:16:28,653
[gasps]
what are you doing?
432
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:29,854
They'll see it.
433
00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:31,923
Shh. I know.
I want them to.
434
00:16:31,925 --> 00:16:32,957
What? Why?
435
00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:34,492
Because I'm gonna-- um,
436
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,260
Incapacitate one of them
437
00:16:36,262 --> 00:16:37,662
And then take his place.
438
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,097
Are you insane?
439
00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:40,832
What? It's a proven concept.
440
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:43,167
Luke skywalker and han solo.
441
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:45,503
Um, probably a ton
of other examples.
442
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,305
Oh, god.
I'm gonna die.
443
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:48,940
I'm gonna die.
Shh, hush,
no you're not,
444
00:16:48,942 --> 00:16:50,441
I'm gonna get you out of here.
445
00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:51,809
But to do that,
446
00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:53,878
I'm gonna have to do
a very bad thing.
447
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:56,381
W-what? What do you mean?
448
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:57,982
[archer sighs]
great.
449
00:16:57,984 --> 00:16:59,684
Had to be the goofy pink one.
450
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:02,854
Just promise me
you won't scream.
451
00:17:02,856 --> 00:17:03,988
I-- what?
452
00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,456
I can't promise that.
453
00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:06,991
Okay, so if you feel
it coming,
454
00:17:06,993 --> 00:17:09,293
Maybe just do it
into your hand, phrasing.
455
00:17:09,295 --> 00:17:10,495
Can you do that for me?
456
00:17:10,497 --> 00:17:12,163
I-- I don't know.
457
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:13,197
I'll try.
458
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:14,365
Good, you're doing great.
459
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,833
Just remember to breathe
460
00:17:15,835 --> 00:17:17,001
In and out.
461
00:17:17,003 --> 00:17:18,503
In... [inhales]
462
00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:20,004
And out [exhales].
463
00:17:20,006 --> 00:17:21,372
In...
464
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:22,540
And out.
465
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,242
Phrasing, doing great,
466
00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:26,644
And sorry in advance
for what's about to happen.
467
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:27,678
[door opening]
468
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,347
[screams]
469
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:31,249
[chuckling]
oh, baby,
470
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:32,850
Don't you worry.
471
00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:35,553
I'm gonna give you
something to scream about.
472
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:36,988
Hey, rompers, guess--
473
00:17:36,990 --> 00:17:38,156
[grunting]
474
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:49,333
[gasps]
475
00:17:49,335 --> 00:17:51,569
[thuds]
476
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:54,172
So hey, again, I'm sorry.
477
00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:56,441
Why, that wasn't so bad.
478
00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:58,743
I mean, you made it sound
like you were going to--
479
00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:02,447
[screams]
480
00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:05,450
No, sorry for that.
481
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:06,884
Why did you do that?
482
00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:08,953
What? That--
that's how you do it.
483
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:10,755
You could have just tied
him up.
484
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:13,224
With what?
And also, no, I couldn't.
485
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:14,625
That only works
in the movies.
486
00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:16,928
He would've gotten loose
or yelled or--
487
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:19,130
Well, shooting him
would've been better than that.
488
00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:21,299
Not for him.
Plus it's really loud,
489
00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:23,601
And I actually do have
tinnitus, so--
490
00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:25,470
Where did you learn that,
the army?
491
00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:29,240
[chuckling]
what? No, no, god, no.
492
00:18:29,242 --> 00:18:30,475
But, I mean, don't get me wrong.
493
00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:32,276
I truly appreciate
the sacrifices
494
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:34,479
Of the men and women
who serve in our armed forces,
495
00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:38,282
But there's easier ways
to almost be eligible
for food stamps.
496
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:40,551
It is just criminal
what they get paid.
497
00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:42,587
Although,
I'd probably be an officer.
498
00:18:42,589 --> 00:18:44,822
[zipping fabric]
still, though...
499
00:18:44,824 --> 00:18:46,657
Seems like a lot of running.
500
00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:47,992
And now if you'll excuse me,
501
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:50,161
I'm going to go kill
some evil clowns.
502
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:51,829
[fabric scrunches]
503
00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:53,097
Do you...
504
00:18:53,099 --> 00:18:54,499
Have an erection?
505
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:56,000
No.
506
00:18:57,903 --> 00:18:58,970
No.
507
00:19:09,348 --> 00:19:11,749
♪ [string quartet]
508
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:15,486
[shapiro groaning]
509
00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:16,854
There he is.
510
00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:17,989
[groaning continues]
511
00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:19,490
How you doing, bub?
512
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:20,858
Uh, who...
513
00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:22,460
Whuzza...
514
00:19:22,462 --> 00:19:24,595
Where... What happened?
515
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:26,964
Oh, my god,
what didn't happen?
516
00:19:26,966 --> 00:19:28,199
Well, for starters,
517
00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:29,600
You're a one-hitter quitter.
518
00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:31,769
[groans]
wait. How long was I out?
519
00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:33,771
Hm, like five hours?
520
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:35,940
Oh, that is not good.
521
00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:37,308
Uh, no.
[chuckles]
522
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,177
You're gonna want
a brain scan,
523
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:40,811
You know,
if we don't get murdered.
524
00:19:40,813 --> 00:19:41,946
Which...
525
00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:43,181
[gasps]
veronica!
526
00:19:43,183 --> 00:19:44,182
Where's veronica?
527
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:45,816
That's the thing.
528
00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,218
Nobody knows.
529
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:49,220
And these guys
are losing their shit.
530
00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:50,688
Well, they're under
a lot of stress.
531
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,190
Don't start.
532
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:54,058
Because somehow,
some stupid idiot
533
00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:55,726
Must've called 911.
534
00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:57,962
[pam]
and so about a jillion cops
showed up,
535
00:19:57,964 --> 00:20:00,398
So then it was
a full-on siege.
536
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,533
And then after that,
the head clown--
537
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,669
[giggles]
mr. Rompers.
538
00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:05,970
He's awesome.
539
00:20:05,972 --> 00:20:07,738
And he was like,
"this blows dicks.
540
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:09,373
"the bathroom situation's
a nightmare.
541
00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:11,042
"I'm making
an executive decision.
542
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:12,643
This is too many hostages."
543
00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:14,545
And so then they let
everyone go.
544
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,881
Wait, what?
Everybody?
545
00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:19,850
♪ [continues]
well, except for kinda...
546
00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:23,154
The core group.
[malory groans]
547
00:20:23,156 --> 00:20:25,656
Oh, and the band, which...
548
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:28,259
Good job, guys!
Doing great!
549
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:33,331
Goddamn it!
What did I say about
running your mouth?
550
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:35,666
Sorry, that was my jam.
551
00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:38,402
[inhales]
hey, mr. Rompers.
552
00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,371
Shut... Up!
553
00:20:40,373 --> 00:20:41,939
Everybody!
554
00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:43,074
[grumbling]
555
00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:44,942
Wait, so did--
556
00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:46,043
Shut up.
557
00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:47,245
Pam, tell him the best part.
558
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:49,614
Wh-- that is
the least best part.
559
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:50,915
Tell him!
[sighs]
560
00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:52,049
So cheryl here--
561
00:20:52,051 --> 00:20:53,618
[clears throat]
I'm sorry.
562
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:57,121
Tania here has decided
she's got stockholm syndrome.
563
00:20:57,123 --> 00:21:00,791
And soon I will be
mrs. Rompers.
564
00:21:00,793 --> 00:21:02,393
Again, that's
if we don't get murdered.
565
00:21:02,395 --> 00:21:03,561
[gun cocks]
566
00:21:03,563 --> 00:21:05,196
Shh.
567
00:21:06,231 --> 00:21:08,266
Which...
568
00:21:27,252 --> 00:21:31,289
[man]made in georgia.
38891
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