Original subtitles

I don't know, but I think we're pretty close.

What? Well, blame these road signs. They don't have any vowels.

Yes, and thanks for watching AJ. I...

No. As a matter of fact, I don't think it's a good opportunity...

...to, quote, "work some of that fat off her," unquote. I...

Mother, she's a goddamn baby.

No, I have to go so... I will.

And if I find out you gave her diet pills, Mother, no kidding, I will have you arrested.

Mm. Do what? Who's having a rest?

I heard you. Now I gotta go. Goodbye.

Hey, sleepy head.

Hey you. Mm. Man, I was out.

Heh, yeah, you were. Mm.

Where are we? Uh...

- Seriously, what is this, the Shire? - Uh, no, uh, it's...

Wait, wait, wait. What the shit? Where are we?

Where is AJ? With Mother. Calm down, I...

Why am I in a car, in a trench coat, and lingerie?

Why am I in...? God, there was a vagina in your sink!

Okay, technically, yes, but... I caught you cheating on me.

No, you didn't because, no, I wasn't.

Stop the car. Let me out. Lana, calm down.

Calm down? Yes. I can explain if you...

Yeah, explain how I just woke up in weird clothes, in a weird car, in...

Archer, where are we?

Wales. Wales?

Yeah, surprise is ruined.

No, it's not. I am extremely surprised.

Really? Because last thing I remember...

...we were arguing in your bedroom.

Yeah, I wanted to explain everything, but you were totally freaking out...

...so I thought let's go somewhere neutral, talk things out.

So we're going to this little farm right on the coast.

It's remote, but it's got this real kind of rugged beauty, you know?

It's actually very romantic.

Oh, so just curious, what happened between your bedroom and right now?

Well, you were hysterical, Lana...

...so I thought the best thing to do would be inject you with a tranquilizer...

...drive you to private airfield, put you on CIA plane...

...fly you overnight to Wales, and then that brings us to now.

Huh.

And I know drugging women isn't cool at all, ever...

...and obviously I would never, ever do that for any sort of sexual-assaulty reason.

I mean, for one thing, I'd never need to.

Heh, that's what the whole fight was about, right?

Women throwing themselves at...

Stop the car.

Sorry, maybe you can't hear me over the sound of all the blood vessels bursting in your eyes.

I said, stop.

Well, I hate to say it, but you were right.

It is kind of romantic.

Yeah, right?

I'm pretty sure there's a fireplace.

There, see?

Quaint little farmhouse, a cozy little fire going.

I mean, this place is right out of a fairytale.

Yeah, a fairytale in which the heroine is drugged and kidnapped.

You realize that's like every fairytale.

I do now that you mention it.

Don't yell at me. I'm not the one advocating rape and child cannibalism.

No, you're the one whose ex-girlfriend left her robot vagina in your sink.

Unbeknownst to me, Lana.

Jesus, we've been through this 10 times already.

Sorry I'm hazy on the details of what happened before I was drugged...

...and stuffed in a cargo hold. It wasn't the... You were in a seat.

Is that supposed to make it better?

That is better, like, empirically.

I am leaving. No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Let me explain.

If you don't let go of me...

...you're gonna have to explain how those tampons got driven into your brain.

Thanks for these, by the way.

And, Lana, I swear, I didn't call Katya.

I just came home and there she was.

And why would she just show up?

I think the idiots called her.

What idiots?

Alrighty, can someone give me a hand?

But I thought the patient was getting the hand.

Speaking of hands, nurse, I'm... Overplaying yours?

I was gonna say "putty in yours," my dear, but I'll have to hand it to you.

Hmph. Keep your hands to yourself, doctor.

Can we have a show of hands? Who thinks this is getting out of hand?

Goddamn it!

Can you please shut up and sew on my robot hand?

Hand job.

So they call Katya because they're jealous we're dating.

She shows up... Unbeknownst.

Nothing happens even though your clothes get burned off...

...champagne gets jizzed everywhere and her vag winds up in the sink.

Yes. So you're saying it was...

Literally a farce. Exactly, yes. Ah.

Lana, come on. Whose life, through no...

...or sometimes maybe moderate fault of his own, is as farcical as mine?

Hmm. You still shouldn't have drugged me.

No, I know, that was... Extremely uncool.

Mm. That's not though. Holy shit.

Right? Glengoolie, for the best of times.

After we're done, we'll have to rent a new car...

...but we can drive up to the distillery and... Done here at our romantic fairytale getaway...

...where you make up for the idiot Archer shit you pulled over the past 24 hours?

Yes, and... Here's the thing.

What the...? Unh! Ah!

Freeze! Whoa, whoa, steady on.

Freeze or I'll... I have no weapon. Archer.

Ah. So you're Archer.

Uh, yes. And are those tampons?

Also, yes. Right.

So if he's Archer, I suppose that makes you Lana Kane.

I... Yes, actually. And I suppose that makes you... Who the hell are you?

Lloyd Llewellyn.

This is my brother, Daffyd.

Say hello to the lady, Daffyd. Hello, lady.

Hello, human giant.

And follow-up question, why the hell are you here?

Ah. Have you not told her?

Yeah, so even though it's a romantic fairytale getaway...

...there's also kind of a work component to it.

Lana? What?

Come on, it's like 30 bucks a glass.

So if I understand the situation correctly, we're supposed to help these terrorists who...

Well, you obviously don't understand the situation because we're not terrorists.

We're freedom fighters.

They're the Free Wales Army, Lana.

Oh, yeah, that's right, Daffyd. Good lad. Leg hurts.

Yes, it will do, Daff, you've been shot.

We're supposed to help George and Lennie out of the country...

...because they're wanted by Ml5? Yeah, that's what Mother said.

Ml5, from England, our ally.

Well, they're no ally to Wales.

What are you...? It's the same country, Lloyd.

Tell that to Dyffryn Ddibwys.

Duffer who? Dyffryn Ddibwys.

It was a town in Wales that had stood proudly for a thousand years until the Saesneg...

The English, deliberately flooded it.

Oh, my God, to drown everybody?

No, to make a reservoir. They needed water.

So they built a dam and that flooded Dyffryn Ddibwys...

...and all the people lost their homes.

My God, countless thousands of them.

Well, 48.

Thousand? No, just 48. You know, four dozen.

Are you...? Still, though.

So now they're all homeless?

Well, no. They were compensated, so they got new houses somewhere else...

...and, in many cases, much nicer ones.

Then what's the problem? Who are you, Josephine Stalin?

That shit wouldn't happen in America. Yes it would, and does all the time.

TVA has flooded thousands of Americans out of their homes.

The what? Tennessee Valley Authority.

- Hmm. - Ugh.

Remember Deliverance? How the whole valley was gonna be flooded?

Lana, I hate to break it to you, I even hate to say it out loud...

...but Deliverance was just a movie.

Oh, my God.

So, what exactly are you wanted by Ml5 for?

Uh, we tried to blow up a dam.

A dam? What, to flood a bunch of people out of their homes?

Well, not real people, just English ones.

Well, not real people, just English ones.

Well, not real people, just English ones.

Excuse me.

Christ, is she always this angry? She's not mad at you, Lloyd, she's mad at me.

For what? Um...

Okay. So I was engaged to this smoking hot Russian woman...

Lieutenant Ginger Bayliss.

Clamp. Played by Odessa Cleveland...

...who had a guest spot as a nurse on Trapper John, M.D.

What? Starring Pernell Roberts...

...as the titular Trapper John, somehow.

In a drama, which was totally weird.

But not as weird as Ed Asner.

Mary Tyler Moore's Lou Grant.

Playing Lou Grant in the show Lou Grant, which was also a drama.

Okay, yeah, but besides one nurse, M*A*S*H didn't have any black characters.

Actually, it did have one. And his name was Spearchucker.

What? Spearchucker Jones. I mean...

Okay, yeah, maybe in the book or that football movie, but I'm talking about...

Yeah, the show. On network television.

- In America, and not that long ago. - But how is this even possible?

Well, I know it may seem strange.

What, aiding our ally's enemies?

Well, it makes sense...

...when you're the biggest kid in the schoolyard, if your little friends have a bully.

You want them to come running to you.

Exactly. And Slater says... Wait, you talked to Slater?

Yes, Lana. Obviously, I've spoken to Slater.

And he says the CIA does this sort of thing all the time, so...

So did he say why he keeps giving us assignments...

...that always seem to blow up in our faces? No. Although, speaking of blowing up...

Malory, she's a baby, and she weighs exactly as much as she's supposed to...

...so you better be feeding her!

I am. It's just... Hello?

Please. As if I wouldn't feed you.

Now, who wants a little ice chip?

No?

I suppose you'd prefer a nice big bottle of that liquid butterfat.

Goat, swear to Christ, I'll have your hide as boots and the rest of you as a curry.

Go on. Shoo. Sh...

Shit.

Shit, shit.

Aw, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

No shit, I'm telling you guys, Katya looked absolutely amazing.

The tiniest, laciest lingerie you've ever seen.

Sexy stiletto heels.

And a good body, huh?

Good? I mean, you're from the UK so you don't have anything to compare it to, but...

No, Lloyd, not good, insane.

Oh-ho! Daffyd.

And she was just like rubbing all over me.

But nothing happened?

No, nothing.

Well, except for the goodbye kiss, which was definitely NSF Wales...

...if you know what I mean. Oh, you little...

I say, pardon me.

Madam. Hello?

Lana, hey. Uh, we were just... Not talking.

Shut up.

Already was, so...

So is it possible you two were followed here by Ml5?

Um...

Yeah. What?

Yeah, they're good. Son of a...

Archer, passport. Why do you...?

Give me your passport. Here.

Ah, for the love of Randy Randleman?

Yeah, Randy grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, ran with a bad crowd...

...got into some trouble, went to juvie.

Uh, he worked in the mess hall, fell in love with cooking...

...and when he got out, went to culinary school.

And now he's got two restaurants, Lana, one Michelin star...

...and a marriage on the rocks.

He's here to go balls deep on farm to table, you know, trying to get back to basics.

Archer... Like that time Rocky went to Russia.

Ugh. Just get in that closet over there...

...and take Lurch with you. Daffyd.

He's the one they're looking for. Why am I getting in the closet?

Because I said so.

How is your American accent?

Um, it's okay. Like, you know, people are always like, "You know."

Like, you know, it's crap?

No, dude, people really dig it.

Heh. People from where, dude? Quebec? He's the one who should be in the closet.

No, wait. Oh, hang on.

Lana, why am I in the closet?

Because I said so.

I think this will really help sell it. What? Randy doesn't wear nerd goggles.

He's a culinary bad boy.

Open the door, please. Get in the closet.

I am getting in the closet because I choose to get in the closet.

Come on, Gort.

Daffyd.

Okay, Randy, follow my lead.

Yes? Good afternoon. My name is Bardsley.

I'm with Ml5.

Ml5? My goodness.

Please, do come in.

Uh, what's the problem here? Well the problem, Mr., uh...

Randleman. Randy Randleman.

I'm an American. Right. Uh...

Uh, yeah, I'm here to learn about farm tables. I beg your pardon?

I thought it was dams. Shh.

Come on, buddy. Daffyd.

Farm to table, he meant to say. He's a chef. An American chef.

He knows you're American, honey. Heh.

The reason I'm here, we're searching for Welsh terrorists.

Welsh terrorists?

Is there even such a thing?

Yes, I'm afraid so.

The self-styled Free Wales Army.

Shh! If you stay really, really quiet...

...I will buy you a puppy that you will probably accidentally strangle.

We have reason to believe they're in the area and one is wounded...

...so we're canvassing all the farms, and when we saw the damaged vehicle...

A bee flew in it and I crashed.

A bee flew into a convertible?

Look, our marriage is on the rocks, and also, I have two Michelin tires, so...

Right. May I just see your passport again, please?

Right. May I just see your passport again, please?

Right. May I just see your passport again, please?

Oh, good heavens. Wow.

What the shit? Mm, ooh.

This is actually why we're here in Wales.

To try and save our marriage.

Oh, my God, baby.

I think it's working.

Are you joking or insane?

Do you really expect me to believe you came to Wales for a romantic getaway?

Easy, bro. Wales is kickass.

Honey. I do, because we did.

I mean, if this weren't a romantic getaway...

...would I be doing this?

- What the shit? - Or this?

Ooh!

Closet rampage.

Right. Then, obviously, I've made an extremely embarrassing mistake.

So, uh... What the shit, Lana?

Aha! "Aha" what?

Who is this man? I... Wait, shit, who am I?

You're Lloyd Llewellyn, if I don't miss my guess...

...which means your brother Daffyd can't be too far off.

Uh, in the closet, jacking off in a hat.

- Daffyd! - No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. And I'm not Lloyd Llewellyn, he is.

Oh, Archer. Archer?

As in Sterling Archer? Yes, you idiot.

As in Sterling Archer of the CIA?

I mean, no, you idiot.

I mean, I... My God.

Then you must be Lana...

Way to go, Randy.

Ugh. How is this Randy's fault?

Sorry. Did someone else barge in yelling their idiot head off...

...about being with the CIA? Oh, I don't know.

Was someone else making out with Frodo P. Gryffindor here...

...just to make someone jealous?

Well, maybe now you know how I feel.

Actually, I don't know how you feel, Lana, because I didn't make out with Katya.

Oh, no? You didn't jam your fat tongue down her throat on that goodbye kiss?

Ah! You were eavesdropping.

Uh, yeah, I'm a spy. Oh, right.

And I also heard you raving about how insane Katya's body was.

Is. But not as insane as your mind.

And her stilettos and her lingerie and her big, fat, vibrating robot vagina!

And you're making my point for me. And... How?

It's easy not to bang your ex if she's gone all frump-a-dump.

The fact that Katya's still crazy hot makes it all the more commendable I didn't bang her.

I'm sorry, I think one of us must have just suffered a massive stroke.

- Oh, sorry, that's me, just making toast. - Toast!

Yes, come and have some toast, Daffyd.

Ugh. Make him wash his hands first. Okay, so, what do we do about this?

Since, apparently, we're seeing other people now...

Oh? Not you.

Not us? I meant sleepy Floyd here.

Right, shit. He knows we're with the CIA, thanks to your fat mouth.

Well, it was your fat mouth all over him that started this whole thing.

Here, both of you. Get your fat mouths around some hot, crispy toast.

Toast! Damn it, Daffyd, come and have some toast!

It's obvious what we have to do with him.

Shoot him. What?

We're not shooting an Ml5 agent.

That's like shooting a cow.

How is that like...? Lana, cows are our friends.

They may even be our best friends.

We have to shoot him.

If we don't, Downing Street will know the CIA's bankrolling the Free Wales Army.

Daffyd, come and have the bloody toast or I'm throwing it in the bin.

He does have a point, Lana. Yeah, I hate to waste good toast.

We are not murdering an Ml5 agent.

End of sentence, end of discussion.

Are you sure there's nothing I can do or say to change your mind, Lana?

Very. Well, then, could you hold the toast?

Damn it. Lloyd?

Grabbed it while you were arguing.

You never read Rosenberg's writings on nonviolent communication?

Uh, no. It really helped me and Daffyd.

Well, maybe we'll check that out.

Uh, don't bother. Because before I shoot this Ml5 asshole...

...I'm gonna have to shoot both of you. What?

Oh, don't worry, we'll always have...

You think he was gonna say "table"? Probably "Wales."

Lloyd!

Uh, so that's a problem.

Nope, that is your problem.

Uh, then may I have the gun, please?

No. Oh, my God, you are so immature.

And you are so big.

This is gonna be all Daniel Boone.

Alrighty, I think that's got it.

Nurse, would you close for me?

Uh, you already did that, doctor.

Oh, right. Well, then, would you open for me?

Goddamn it! Stop sexually harassing me!

Sorry. Ugh. Jesus.

Seriously. Come on, Tinkertoy, let's go pound some homemade gin.

So, wait, how did we get to talking about African-American characters on M*A*S*H?

Well, the M*A*S*H connection is obvious, perhaps even painfully so...

...but the African-American thing?

Nope, no idea.

But all things considered, that went about as well as could be expected.

Oh, yeah? Which part?

Leaving two Welsh terrorists basically at large or kidnapping an Ml5 agent?

Well, first of all, both. How...?

And second, I was talking about our argument...

...and how now you realize you overreacted about Katya.

I... Oh, my God.

Ha, admit it, Lana.

I admit nothing.

Although, I do think we both learned that trust is important and...

I don't know, whatever. Trust.

Is that the best I'm gonna get out of you? Yup, by far.

Well, then I accept your non-apology. And...?

Oh, my God, and I promise to try not to get into compromising situations with other women.

Best I can do.

Well, then let's just get this limey bastard on that CIA plane...

...and let Slater worry about the blowback.

You don't think they'll kill him, do you? No. Then they'd have to kill us.

But before we go back to the States...

Archer, I am not driving to Scotland with a kidnapped Ml5 agent in the back...

...just to visit a stupid distillery. It's not stupid, Lana, it's...

Glengoolie, for the best of times.

Although, you're right, it's probably not the smartest idea I've ever had.

Hmm. What is? Oh, my God, I'm glad you asked.

Okay, so you put giant magnets in the bumpers of all the cars...

...so that every car repels every other car, so there would never be any accidents.

Except every time you're at a red light and a car comes and bounces you...

...into the intersection and you get the shit T-boned out of you.

Thanks for the tampons.