Original subtitles

I am dead serious.

From now on, no eggs, no pigs' feet, nothing pickled.

Or so help me God, I will put that refrigerator out by the curb.

- What? - Come on.

- Those weren't pigs' feet. - Ew!

Whatever feet, idiot.

Now then, we have an assignment, but I won't be joining you...

...so if you'll direct your goldfish-like attention spans to Mr. Slater.

Just Slater, for the infinitieth time.

Watch it. Shut up.

Burn. Shut up.

Burn.

Okay. The young man in the monitor is Crown Prince Fawad Fawaz...

...heir to the throne of the Kingdom of Durhan.

He just got a summer internship on Wall Street.

Ugh. Affirmative action.

And so he's in the city looking for suitable accommodations...

...something befitting the world's richest prince.

- Oh, money. - Holy shit.

- And so what, he needs bodyguards? - Mmm.

No, I think he's all set there.

Which brings us to my problem, which, coincidentally, is also your problem.

Without the prince or his security team's knowledge...

...I need to scan any and all of his mobile phones, any and all flash drives...

...both of his handprints and both of his retinas.

And why? Oh, sorry, let me back up.

This is part of Operation Because I Said So. You know what?

I'm sure I do.

For example, this is a tranquilizer gun with which I will dart the prince...

...and then we'll have 60 seconds to do all the scans before he wakes up...

...with no side effects and no memory at all of the previous few minutes.

Bullshit, the CIA doesn't have that technolo... Ungh!

But before I can tranquilize him, I need access to the prince, so...

And just so we're clear, he's the prince of Durhan, an allied country.

Yeah, I'm gonna refer you back to Operation Said So.

Everybody else, these are your mission dossiers.

Read them on the way to Tunt Manor. Ah! Tunt Manor?

That's my house. I know.

And the prince is on his way there.

And so we're going there and because you know the property...

...you'll be posing as the listing agent.

Shut up. Burn.

Just in case I don't read this, what are the rest of us gonna be doing?

Some of you will be assisting me and/or Miss Tunt.

The rest of you will be distracting the prince's security team and/or his mother.

Her Majesty, Queen Yasmin Fawaz.

- Oh, shit. - Damn.

Seriously? What?

- I just heard you get hard. - Ew!

They were goat feet and you threw them out! Ah! Damn you!

God damn you all to hell!

So van's downstairs.

Turn around. Now spread your arms.

I do apologize for this necessary precaution, Miss...?

Oh. Uh... What do I always tell you? Never apologize.

It is a sign of weakness. Yes, Mother.

So, Miss... Uh, Escrow.

My last name is Escrow. Really?

Yes, and trust me, I've heard all the jokes.

Ha-ha-ha! Oh, boy.

Okay, chinstrap, let me see what we got on the other cameras.

Bathroom one, bathroom two, bathroom three, bathroom four, bathroom five...

Are all the cameras in bathrooms? No. Just my faves.

Bathroom six, bathroom seven, bathr... Ah. Should have gotten some poison ones.

Okay, people, I want you in position in five minutes.

Ah. Should've thought of that before you picked these ridiculous costumes.

Why are your plans always so complicated?

You're like Wile E. Coyote with access to predator drones. Out.

I think these uniforms are awesome.

Here, let me get some pics of you. To masturbate to?

Heh-heh. Pfft. Please.

Please?

Can somebody explain to me why the CIA is spying on American allies?

Well, Ray, there were these things called dinosaurs...

...and when they died, they turned into oil somehow...

- ...and that's what your car uses for food. - Thanks, Al.

Al? Jazeera.

For all we know, Slater wants that stuff...

...because the CIA is trying to protect the royal family.

From what? Cabals.

What? Yes, sinister cabals.

I bet the royal palace is lousy with them.

So instead of trying to undermine the mission...

Don't undermine it!

What the heck got into him?

More like what he wants to get into, which, obviously, the queen's vagina.

Seriously? Or wherever else.

Although she didn't look like a Back Dorothy.

Well, we'll just see about that.

The part about Archer having sex with the queen...

...not the part about the queen being into anal sex. Who knows?

Wow, this is eerily similar to my spec script for Masterpiece Theater.

Your what? Well, I guess technically it's fanfic.

Bringing us to the formal dining room, which seats 80...

...with plenty of room for servants to skulk around.

Ladling turtle soup into sterling silver bowls...

...their sullen eyes downcast as Grandmama makes a joke...

...about chopping off their hands if they spill even a single drop...

...like we used to do in the Belgian Congo.

And how about that chandelier, huh? Ha. But I wouldn't wanna dust it.

An opinion apparently shared by the staff about the rest of the furnishings.

If this were my palace, I'd... What did I tell you, wench?

Stop right there! Who are you?

I'm Butler. The butler.

Ha. Wait, your name is Butler or...? Both. And, heh, I've heard every joke.

My sincere apologies, Your Majesty, for the deplorable state of the house.

Good help is difficult to find, as I'm sure Your Majesty well knows.

What I know, you impudent toad...

...is if a servant dared speak to me in my palace...

...I'd have him sewn into a burlap sack filled with rats...

...and the sack thrown into the river. Burn! Oh! Ungh.

Well slapped, Your Majesty. Come.

Let's get this over with so I can bathe off all this filth and grime.

- Oh, my God, can you believe this? - What?

- My commission is gonna be huge. - Come, you foolish woman.

Coming, My Majesty. Now, is anyone allergic to ocelots?

Oh, that's right, Babou. Ow, man, what a hate-slapping bitch.

Yeah, I gotta have sex with her. Wait, what?

But I thought you and Lana were kind of, you know...

Kind of "you know" what? What'd she say?

Well, nothing, but... See? Classic Lana.

So what, you're gonna try to bang the queen just to make Lana jealous?

No. That'll just be icing on what I assume will be an extremely moist cake.

Blorp. Because I've had sex with a baroness...

...a marquise, a vicomtesse, the two princess sisters, a duchess...

Ah! Your mom's dog? No.

The wife of a duke? Yes, but I've never had sex with a queen.

Yasmin would be my greatest masterpiece, Pam, my...

Hang on. Heh-heh. Moaning Lisa.

Damn it, I was gonna say that.

Girl with a Pearl Necklace. Ha-ha-ha.

The Potato Eaters. Stop it.

But wait. Why are you telling me your plan to not make Lana jealous?

I don't know, I... Oh, my God, Pam, I think you might be my best friend.

You're my best friend. What about Cheryl?

You're my second best friend.

Oh, my God. What?

Eh. I thought by now I'd be doing a lot better in the old friend department.

I thought by now I'd be dead.

Well, day's not over. Right?

He what? I mean... So what? Well, I just figured you'd wanna know.

You figured it'd make me jealous...

...but spoiler alert: I don't give a shit who Archer bangs.

Well, yeah, no, but if you did and you wanted to make Archer jealous...

Then I'd go break my pussy off on that hot little prince's merguez.

Exactly, that's what I'm... Wait, what?

Which, come to think of it, would be what my vagina refers to as a win-win.

Hey, wait a minute. Love to, can't, got a pussy to break.

Ah. Well, that backfired.

Or did it?

Yes, yes, it most certainly did.

Okay, people, listen up.

If you're not in position, you'd better get there ASAP because...

What's that? Ungh. Ah.

Because right now, Cheryl should be leading the Durhanis into...

- The world-renowned conservatory. - Where Gillette should be ready...

...with the transdermal solution of the most powerful laxative known to man.

I... Damn it, I had something for this. Wait, was it something about dukes?

The Tunt Conservatory is home to the world's...

...second-largest collection of carnivorous plants...

...the shame of which drove the current owner's eccentric great-uncle...

...Theophilus Tunt, to commit suicide. Or maybe it was just the syphilis.

We may never know, and, frankly, it's none of our...

- Bathroom? - What?

I'm sorry, Your Majesty, I don't know what's wrong, but I need to...

Mother. Silence! How dare you?

Indeed. Well slapped, His Majesty.

Now, if you will follow me into the... Bathroom.

Please, Your Majesty. I cannot wait.

I told you idiots that wasn't the real Famous Ray's.

A thousand pardons. Foolish woman, where is a bathroom?

Where isn't a bathroom? Heh-heh.

Am I right? Ha-ha.

All kidding aside, though, the house does have 22 full-and 18 half-baths...

...all boasting priceless Grueby Faience tilework, as well as...

...cucumber-water bidets.

Now, if your assorted majesties and highnesses will please follow me...

To elevator three, where what's-her-face should be standing by.

Ten-four on the 20, come back. Stop it.

She'll bring the prince upstairs, where Archer and Lana are waiting to bring him to me...

What? Wait, what? What?

What's that? Are you in position?

- Yes? - Yeah, I am.

So I'm not really sure why you're using that pissy tone with me.

Unless I sound like Lana, who is...

Hang on, looking around the position, and she is...

...not in position. Well, where the hell is she?

Yeah. Stand by?

Jeez. Ow! Oh. Agh! What's that?

Hey, speaking of Lana and positions.

Cyril, I either can't or merely don't want to talk, so...

Cowgirl? Wheelbarrow? Butter churn?

Ugh. Okay, Gollum, you have won the game of riddles.

The gold ring is yours. Lana and the prince, you idiot.

I... Wait, what about Lana and the prince?

Bow-chicka-dow-dow. Ah!

Ow! Ow.

So that backfired.

Maybe I should work on my timing.

Please, someone just kill me. Be careful what you wish for.

Especially if it's claustrophobic, manually-operated elevators!

Because this is what you would get.

And I am embarrassed to say that I have room for only one passenger.

Where, in your belly? Burn.

What? Return.

I shall take His Highness and then I shall speedily return for...

- Your Majesty. - Oh, my God.

Damn, Gina!

If it please Your Majesty, take the elevator.

I will escort His Highness upstairs via a more scenic route.

Out of the question. I don't want him alone without...

Mother, this sounds like a win-win.

Pardon, but I'm supposed to... Oof. Mother.

Woman, I will kill you where you stand!

Which, by law, I'm required to tell you if there's been a murder in the house...

Oh, but if you were the murderer...

Heh. That's what I love about this job. You learn something new every...

Mother, please. Ah!

Fawad, habibi, I shall meet you upstairs momentarily.

Mind you, do not tarry.

Well? Borp.

What the hell?

Where is everybody? Here. Present.

Where's Lana? What the...?

She's not in here, which is where you also shouldn't be.

What? Why aren't you in position?

Because, Slater, there's a problem with your tranquilizer gun.

What problem?

It goes off for, like, no reason. Where's Lana?

I'm not even 100 percent sure where I am right now, so...

You... You are hands down my new favorite thing.

Hello? Anybody? What the...? Ray? Is that you?

Yeah, I need... Good, keep this channel open.

No, I need you guys to... Keep this channel open.

God, these people. Always me, me, me.

Hey, pretty girl.

Or boy, or gender-fluid, or however you self-identify, it's all good.

Although that being said...

Ah. Blorp.

Okay, let's do this.

What's-your-face, Pam, what's your...? What the shit?

What's that?

Hey, you.

What the hell are you people doing? Thinking about some breakfast, am I right?

Oh, my God, chilaquiles? What the...?

Where the hell is my tranquilizer gun? Your what?

Your Highness? Could you help me in here, please?

And so, beckoned by the servant, a powerful negress giant...

...Fawad entered the boudoir and soon became a man.

I seem to have fallen.

I... I seem to see that.

Can you help me up or vice versa?

I think perhaps both? Ideally? Or rather, both, ideally, would be... Ungh.

Hello? Prince?

Kid, come on. I mean, I know I've been crushing the post-natal yoga, but...

- Seriously, did you have a stroke? Ah. - Seriously?

You honestly thought you were so attractive...

...that you caused a healthy young man to literally... To...

To literally have a... Uh, uh...

Stroke?

Seriously?

You better hope I get all this shit scanned before he wakes... Ungh.

What's that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of...

Seriously, just yoga?

He said, jealously. Oh, my God, if anybody's jealous, it's you.

Hang on, shut up, I have something for this...

Lana Cougar Mellencamp. What?

Look at him. He's a child. He's 21, I think!

Which is more than I can say for most of your sexual partners.

What?! I... That...

I mean, if that were technically true, it's...

What? Obvious that the reason you try to drag your dick...

...through every attractive woman you meet is because you're not over me?

Oh! Oh, my God.

And just when their anger reaches a fever pitch, in walks Figgis.

I can't even formulate a response to that. Because you can't argue with the truth.

I can! And if anybody's not over anybody, it's you!

With your, your, your...

Timing.

Uh, excuse me? Hello? Ungh!

Jesus, my ear balls. Um...

Oh. So here's the thing with that.

I'll be seeing you two later. Guards! Gua... Oh.

So not great. Uh, could be worse.

Coming, Your Majesty. Case in point.

Yeah, they're gonna kill everybody.

Well, damn it. I'll have to disclose that. Will somebody do something?

Yeah, Lana, get his pants off. Oh. Inappropes, honey.

Ah! Wait, were they screwing? Hey! If anybody tells Mother about this, I'll...

- Wait, what? - What the shit?

You idiots. What did you do?

Hey, whoa. First of all, your plan was way too complicated.

Maybe for you people.

It had everything but a sign for free bird seed, and second of all...

What the...?

Huh. I was wondering how many rounds this little guy held.

Oh, my God, we're gonna die. I gotta get out of here.

If they find out the CIA was behind this, it'll be an international incident.

Yeah, God forbid you guys get caught.

Hello, front desk? Watergate Hotel? This is the Bay of Pigs, in Room 61.

Could you send up 1500 poorly-trained Cuban exiles?

Oh, and ice. Ah. You done?

Yes, that's right and a bucket of ice. Hm?

What's that? No, we won't be needing any air cover. Click. Now I'm done.

Then can we...? Carol.

I assume the bedrooms are connected to secret passages?

Yeah, so that at night, Grandfather could look in on the children.

Okay, everybody in...

...and make sure you swing by and get Krieger and Ray on your way out.

Yeah, where is Ray?

Well, I gotta hand it to you...

Wait, what about you guys? Uh, we're gonna, uh...

Beat them off... Hold them off, so you guys can get away to...

Safety or wherever.

Heh-heh. Uh-huh.

Okay, so obviously we'll need to talk about what just happened, so, um...

Shitter? Or wherever.

Your Majesty. What in the...?

Mother? Your Highness. Your Majesty.

You're alive. Tear this place apart.

And when we find these American pigs, they will eat their own eyes before we kill them.

Oh. Oh, my God. Lana.

It's like the danger makes it that much hotter.

Yeah, yeah, that, plus your dick.

Heh. Right?

Totally.

Oh, my God.

Well, I hope you're all pleased with yourselves...

...because thanks to your latest fiasco...

...after he makes a formal protest at the UN tomorrow...

...the Durhani ambassador is being recalled.

Which... It was all Slater's fault. Sterling, I swear to God.

Malory, it was. He... And why are you taking Sterling's side?

Because... Shut up.

Burn. Slater's plan was just...

Fakakta, and I was counting on that commission...

...and now the homeowners are taking the house off the market.

You do realize you're the homeowner. Still though.

Oh, shut up, and unless there's anything else, you can all get out.

Actually, there is one other thing. What?

I think Ray deserves a hand.

Goddamn it!

Oh, come on, we were all thinking it...

...because you got no freaking hand, stupid.