Original subtitles

No, I just wanna make sure we're both totally clear about this.

Yes, Lana, you've made it totally, very nearly insultingly, clear.

This is my parents meeting their grandchild, and:

"By the way, this is her father." Yeah, it's...

It's not meet my boyfriend, it's not meet my future husband.

Nobody's guessing who's coming to dinner. Totally clear...

ly insulting.

So just to be clear, we're clear? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Hey, shut up.

Sir, is there a problem here?

Yes, where the hell have you been?

Here, and if you wanna save yourself some trips, let's, uh, make it a pitcher.

Uh, we don't even have pitchers, so...

I don't know what to tell you. Maybe rinse out a little trash can.

- Also, my parents aren't big drinkers. - Yeah, they're like huge nerds, right?

Uh, no, they're academics.

Tomato, tomato.

My mom, Claudette, is a professor of public policy at UC Berkeley...

...with a focus on feminist issues. Yikes.

Glad I didn't waste suitcase space on that barrel of monkeys.

Shut up. And my father, Lemuel, is a microbiologist...

...who might be up for the Nobel Prize. Holy shit.

Yeah, right? Right.

What happened to you?

Oh, and one more, like, tiny thing?

Swear to God, last one till dinner.

Not that. Although, what the shit?

I'm actually kind of nervous. Ugh.

Me too, actually.

Because my parents think I'm still working on my PhD at Columbia...

...in environmental science. What? They don't know you're a spy?

No, and if you tell them I am, I will literally murder you...

...wait, in front of our very own infant child.

So serious up, because they're not crazy about this whole arrangement, so, ah, serious up.

Lana, once I meet them, I'm sure they'll find me...

...utterly charming.

You have met them.

Yes, he's getting his master's too and he's nice and...

I said that already. And...

I'm sure he's just caught in traffic.

Hm. He could've walked here by now. If it's gonna be that kind of party...

...et cetera, et cetera, mashed potatoes.

Whoo!

Oh. Did they find me utterly charming?

- Hey. - Hi.

Oh. Look who's here.

Let me have my grandbaby.

And, um, you remember Archer? Yes, of course.

We've got the mashed potatoes just the way you like them.

Ninety-eight-point-six.

Oh, Lana, you have made a beautiful baby.

Well, we sort of both... Would agree with that statement.

Lana can speak for herself. Yep.

So any news?

Um, I had a baby?

Oh, honey, I'm talking about your studies.

Yes, Lana. When on earth are you planning...

...to finish your dissertation? Yeah.

Don't do that. Nope.

Because you're taking your time as well. What is it you're studying?

Um, medieval Slavic history.

Really? Oh, that must be fascinating.

Well, everybody thinks that, but...

So tell me, what are your thoughts on the Battle of Kosovo of 1389?

No opinion.

Well, not even as it applies to the rise of modern Serbian nationalism?

Mm, nope. Also, that's a bit reductionist.

But enough about you, am I right?

Daddy, tell us about your research.

Well, algae is always challenging.

Yeah, just ask a flip-flop.

Don't do that. Nope.

His research is going extremely well.

And in the near future...

...you may be spending a lot less time and money at gas stations.

You're buying us motorcycles? No.

Daddy's been working on... Lana?

Mom, it's fine. Archer is, um...

Lana, it's okay. You can say "family."

I... Well, I thought I could, but I honestly don't know if I can.

Wow.

Great, now you made the baby cry. That was you.

Lana, here, take the child. I'm not sure which end needs attention.

But while you check on that, your father and I will check on dinner.

And I will check on that hot tub.

Seriously?

Are you fricking serious?

Um...

Yes.

- Goddamn it, Krieger. - My God.

So now we gotta forfeit league night? How the hell did you run out of gas?

Yeah, especially in... Where even are we?

- Mm, Brownsville? - Hey, whoa.

It may be a bit rundown, but there's no need to be racist.

No, not because of African-Americans.

Brownsville's just the name, dipnuts.

Yeah, which doesn't really make sense, because this all used to be Jewtown.

- Goddamn, dude. - Not cool.

Oh, please, you people invented racism.

Also, you're just a reconstructed light-field...

...produced by firing a laser through a beam-splitter.

Whoa! Yeah, dude.

- Not cool. - Hot.

Hot, hot, hot.

How is it? Oh, it is hot, Lem.

Can I call you Lem? Of course you may. Absolutely.

But it's actually pronounced Dr. Kane.

- Ah. - Mm.

- Ah... - Mm...

Ah... Hm.

Well, Lana's feeding the baby.

How is it? Hot.

Actually almost too hot, now that you...

I'm actually gonna hop out, so... Nonsense. You stay right there.

Ah... Huh. Ahem.

Mm... Oh.

Isn't this just so relaxing? Is it?

Well, nudity is our natural state.

He's not nude. What?

Then why are you in here?

I was just asking myself the same... That's ridiculous.

You have to be naked. Otherwise, it's pointless.

Is it? Trunks, young man. Trunks.

Okay.

There. Now, that's not so hard, is it?

So do you guys do phrasing or...?

And now that we're all skyclad, as they say...

...we have something very special we'd like to share with you.

Wait, what? But just between us three.

There's no reason to tell Lana about it.

No, she might not, uh, approve.

Oh, God.

Okay, but just so you know, I've never worn a condom, ever.

And, Lem, obviously the implicit agreement between you and I...

...is that at no time will our penises touch.

But I'd also appreciate it...

...if, um, you didn't make eye contact, you know, with me during...

Did I misread the...?

I... No.

No. You do not talk.

In fact, first thing tomorrow, you're going to the vet to have your vocal chords clipped.

How about just put to sleep?

Because who gets in a hot tub naked with an almost complete stranger?

Because everybody? Because Berkeley?

That's... How does an entire city get a pass on acceptable behavior?

Acceptable behavior?

From the man who tried to have a threesome with me and my wife.

I was being polite.

Wha...? How is that polite? Because I thought that's what they wanted.

They said they wanted to share a special secret with me, so...

Wait, what special secret?

What? Why is he even still here? Daddy...

Look, the man's an ass-bucket.

Aah! What the...?

Hey, don't look at me, I'm not... The baby.

Oh, shit.

- Oh, dear God. - Mom!

Claudette! I'm in here. In the study.

Where is A.J.? She's fine. She's upstairs, but...

What the hell happened?

Oh, my God. My research.

Oh. All my research, my data, my notes, all my samples, all my years of work.

It's all gone.

Why would anyone want mildew? Algae!

Oh, my God, are you shitting me? With a baby in the house?

Why do you have a gun? What, seriously? For this.

Great. Lana, what is the meaning of this?

Why does he have a gun?

Okay, so... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on, are we not even gonna address how amazing that shot was?

Not now, Archer, I'm...

- Oh, shit. - Yeah.

If you wanna catch those guys and get your mildew back...

It's algae. Yeah, take that tone.

You got a car? What?

Yes, but... But... But...

Get your shit together, Lem.

Be a lamb and watch the baby?

Lana, this is all just crazy.

Why does he have a gun? And why is he driving? I should be driving.

No, Daddy, Archer should drive. He's actually pretty great at it.

Meep. Meep. Meep.

When he's not busy ejaculating. Not in my Mustang, you don't.

But seriously, what's wrong with him?

Guys, this is... This is the... The car from...

Bullitt. We know.

And if you'd go already, maybe later I'll dress up like Steve McQueen for you.

Ew. That's not even what it's about.

Plus your hands are too big. Go.

Speaking of McQueen, if there was ever a time to wear the Tactleneck...

Go! Okay, hang on.

Easy. Easy.

Easy.

Easy.

Easy. Will you shut up?

We're only going one mile an hour.

If that. Jesus.

Oh, shush and push. You guys all better be pushing back there.

We are. I'm pushing. Swearsie, realsies.

Son of a bitch!

Then I don't know why this heap of shit's not going faster.

Well, first of all, I think you mean heap of bitching.

And second of all... Hang on.

Wha...? The fricking brake was on?

God!

Damn it, Archer! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Whoo!

Archer... You're going too fast, you idiot.

Idiot? Who kept his life's work in his fricking house...

...apparently without any kind of backup whatsoever?

Uh, yeah, that's actually a good point.

I couldn't keep my work at the lab. It's potentially worth billions.

People would literally kill for it.

Case in point. Well, even if I'm not family...

Oh, my God. Okay.

What's the deal with this algae?

I found a way to use it as biofuel.

Am I supposed to know what that means or...?

As a replacement for fossil fuels. Oh.

Oh, my God. Duh-hoi.

Under the right conditions, the algae reproduce infinitely.

And the only by-product of burning it is water.

Holy shit. I'm surprised nobody's killed you already.

I had to keep my research a secret.

Can you imagine what this would mean to Big Oil or OPEC?

Well, there's no need to be racist.

How is the acronym for the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries racist?

Oh, that's what that means?

Goddamn it.

This is an American icon!

You Philistines!

Hey, I know, let's, uh, tea-bag Dr. Seuss.

Great idea. I'll hold him down. Mm. Wha...?

Look, I've told you about my research.

How about telling me why the hell you carry a gun?

Yeah, speaking of, I'm out. Let me hold yours while you reload me.

Hold your what? Uh...

Lana, come on, zona peligrosa. What is he talking about?

What in the...?

Lana Anthony Kane. Okay, so...

Anthony? After Susan B.

Oh, right, our ugliest president.

Lana, why the hell do you have a gun?

That's not how we raised you.

I know, Daddy. I know.

So about my PhD...

How is this funny?

Wha...? What, seriously?

Um, in every possible way.

- You're a spy? - Yes, but I can explain.

Whoo-hoo!

You're going to explain lying to me and your mother all these years.

And could you please not drive my Mustang like a complete ass-bucket?

Okay, Lem, I think maybe you're transferring a little.

You're not angry at me, you're angry at Lana.

I'm well aware of at whom I'm angry.

But thank you for reminding him. Yeah, think of me as a mediator.

And spying for whom exactly?

I hope it's for America. Who else would I be spying for?

How should I know? All of a sudden, I'm talking to a stranger.

Lana, how does that make you feel?

Like I'm gonna shoot you?

Yeah, get in line.

Daddy, of course it's America.

Long story short, these days we're sort of contractors for the CIA.

The CIA?

Did you drop in on your way to overthrow a democratically elected government?

Lem, let's try to avoid using sarcasm. I wasn't.

You see? This is why I never told you. I knew you wouldn't understand.

Because you could've been a great scientist.

How could you throw away your God-given talent?

But it wasn't my talent, Daddy.

You and Mom just wanted it to be. Oh, come on now.

You used to love going to all those science fairs.

I used to hate it. Remember, I always threw up in the car on the way there?

I'm sorry.

Oh, goddamn it. Lemuel.

- From excitement. - From terror.

I was always so afraid of letting you and Mom down...

...that I couldn't ever tell you how I felt.

Hey, come on now.

You could never let us down, honey.

I hope you know that.

Really? Oh, Lana, we'll always be proud of you.

And we'll always love you, even when you make stupid, stupid, stupid choices like him.

Aw.

Well, I think we've made some real progress here.

And I'd say we've got about 30 seconds before the engine locks up.

So does anyone have a plan?

Anyone?

Guys, come on, there's no dumb ideas.

What if we grease the tires?

How would that possibly help?

Hey, yeah, toss out all your empties. That'll get rid of some weight, huh?

Toss out everything.

We gotta get rid of some of this weight.

Well, the speakers are obviously the... No!

For the love of God, man...

...are you quite literally insane? Sorry.

Shut up. What about all these bowling balls?

What? Yes!

You ding-dongs. Throw out the goddamn bowling balls.

Okay. Jesus.

Oh.

And that's how they all died.

That's your plan? To ram it?

Yeah, it's called a pit maneuver.

I've done it like a million times.

Like three times.

When they crash, they're gonna come out firing.

Get down on the floor and stay there.

What about you? Don't worry about me. This is what I do.

I'm actually pretty great at it.

Eh... Shut up. Daddy, floor.

Okay, hang on.

Wait, hang on. What?

Lem, what was the special thing? What?

In the hot tub.

The less said about the hot-tub incident, the better.

Shut up. What's the special thing you two wanted to share with me?

The Kane family reunion.

Wait, what? Yeah.

We do it every year. It's huge.

And we told her to invite you, but... Daddy.

Lana, the man may be a total idiot, but he is the father of your child.

Yeah, Lana.

So are we talking like a barbecue or...? Archer.

Okay. Lana.

And if it's a barbecue, are the Kanes a brisket crowd or pulled pork?

Brisket. Ah. Lame.

Don't shoot. Don't shoot.

Please don't... Darryl?

Pam? Oh, my God.

I used to beat this bitch's ass at fight club, like, all the time.

- What's up? - Hey, guys.

Pfft. Like, three times.

And why you throwing bowling balls in the damn street?

Long story, funny story...

...and I'll tell you guys all about it over beers at the nearest titty bar, my treat.

Titties ain't gonna fix my car, Poovey.

No, but Beardsly McBugeyes over there will...

...and he'll install a nitrous tank so you don't have to drive around town like a giant pussy.

Won't you, Krieger? Yep. Yep, yep, yep.

So come on, let's go make it rain Pammy.

What about them?

Oh. Honestly don't care.

Reloading. Archer, cover me.

Wait, what? Archer?

What the...? Slater?

Ta-da.

With a baby in the house?

We didn't know you were there.

Which was obviously an operational failure on our end.

- Ethan. - Yeah, Ethan.

And don't be shitty, Archer, you dick. You killed one of my guys.

Yeah, was that shot not insane?

What is insane is the CIA stealing my father's research, Slater. Why?

Because, Dr. Kane, your research has jeopardized our national security.

What? What do you mean? How?

If you think the Middle East is messed up now, just wait until nobody needs their oil.

Man, you guys are so big picture.

No, wait, you can't.

That was a lifetime of work for my father. Yeah. Yeah.

Dr. Kane, do you have online banking? I... Yes, but...

So if you wanna go ahead and check your account balance...?

Huh. I can tell you right now, this doesn't come anywhere close...

That amount direct-deposited every month for the rest of your life.

Every month?

Well, Mr. Slater, I... I think we got ourselves a deal.

Daddy, no. What about the algae so we don't have to burn fossil fuels?

Honey, forget about fossil fuels. We're gonna be able to burn money.

Happy? What, like, in general?

Because yes.

So listen, I wanna thank you for trying to save my dad's research.

Even though I'm still furious about the hot-tub incident...

...and will be for years to come...

...I can see how you, you Archer, could have misconstrued the situation.

Even though it's hard for me to admit it, you are family to me.

Not just because of A.J.

And I realize now that I should have invited you to the family reunion, and so I'm sorry.

Sorry that I hurt your feelings.

Well, thanks.

I accept your apology.

Sorry I tried to spit-roast your mom.