Original subtitles

♪

- Oh, hello.

It used to be you never knew exactly

who was watching your commercial.

But modern data mining has changed all that.

[computers whir] The commercials you are about to see

have been selected for you based on your viewing habits,

social media likes, and blood type.

And because these ads are targeted at you and only you,

I think you'll find it impossible not to purchase the following products.

Based on your recent search terms

"how to make friends,"

"bald spot normal"

and "funny things to look at,"

the following ad was tailor-made just for you.

- When I grow up, I wanna be an astronaut.

- When I grow up, I wanna be a firefighter.

- When I grow up, I wanna work at the DMV.

BOTH: Whoa.

ANNOUNCER: Do you want the real experience of working at the DMV?

Sign-ups are open for DMV fantasy camp.

Administer tests.

[buzz]

Take people's license photos.

[gasps]

[ding]

Deal with unruly customers.

- You're in the wrong line, sir.

This is for processing.

You want applications.

- I just came from applications.

- Just grab your dad's credit card and call the number on the screen.

Operators are not standing by because they are also in line at the DMV.

- Because of your interest in tiny dancers and harmless dinosaurs,

this next ad is perfect for you.

ANNOUNCER: For eons, the tarantula has roamed the Earth,

impervious to our commands.

Until now! [whistle blows]

[whistle blows]

[video game noises play on TV]

[whistling]

- How many legs do your friends have?

Thanks, Tarantula Whist-- [gag]

ANNOUNCER: Tarantula Whistle is a registered trademark of Arachnophilia Industries,

which is a wholly owned subsidiary of Diet Worms, Inc.,

an International Illuminati Concern dedicated

to openly declaring that we are gathering world power.

- Since you searched for "Aquaman," "Aquaman sequel,"

and "Jason Momoa beach pics,"

we know you'll rush out to buy this product.

♪

[breathes deeply]

[gags]

- ♪ Two times the fishiness, two times the fun ♪

♪ Two types of tuna in Tuna Fresh gum! ♪

[grunts, chewing]

[gags]

- It tastes like you ate gas station sushi.

I love it! Let's get married.

- Our honeymoon begins! [seagulls cawing]

♪

- ♪ It's the two types of tuna in Tuna Fresh gum! ♪

- There you have it, folks.

Now, I don't know what you just saw,

but I'm certain it's exactly what you always wanted.

[whistle blows] - Thanks, targeted ads!

♪