Original subtitles

♪

♪

- Yeoman Wakko, man the poop deck!

[laughs] Oh, this nautical sketch

was a great idea to get around the censors.

MAN: Enough of this scuttlebutt!

- [giggles] He said scuttle.

[growls]

Uh oh. It's the captain.

Looks like we're in for a stern talking to.

- Sailing pun! Somebody keep count.

There's gonna be too many of these.

- Do you have any idea who I am?!

- If the writers are following the formula,

I'd say you're an unlikable jerk in need of an ego check.

- Ego check? Why would Christopher Columbus

need an ego check?

- Why do you have so many books from the future?

- Because it was a long flight from 500 years from now.

- It's not fair to make me do math

and history at the same time!

- So, apparently he got lost,

thought South America was Asia,

and claimed it for Spain even though it was already inhabited

by millions of people?

- Then he starved those millions of people

'cause he thought they were hiding gold from him?

[groans] - Let me see that!

♪

He enslaved how many people?

He was arrested by who?

And he has his own holiday why?

Oh, there's just too much bad stuff in here

to fit into a single sketch.

- But, it just might fit in a song!

♪ In Fourteen Hundred and Ninety Two ♪

♪ Columbus sailed the ocean blue ♪

- Oh yeah!

♪ He had three ships, he sailed from Spain ♪

♪ A first rate hat atop a second rate brain ♪

- ♪ He sailed by night, he sailed by day ♪

♪ Will somebody tell him he sailed the wrong way? ♪

- ♪ He's cruel, he rules through thuggery ♪

- ♪ Yet he's praised for the new world's discovery ♪

ALL: ♪ Are we sure he deserves his own day? ♪

♪ We'd have found this stuff anyway ♪

[growling]

- I'm terrible at reading people.

Is he mad at us or passionately in love with us?

- I will give-a you a right seeing to!

- Mm. I still can't tell.

- Desist with this poppycock at once!

- Oh. Aren't you gonna say, "good night, everybody"?

- Nah, too easy.

I'm trying to keep them above board.

Seriously loving these nautical puns though.

- Seize them!

- Uh oh. We're in hot water now.

- Eh, what's he gonna do? Make us walk the plank?

Feed us to the sharks? Leave us stranded

on a desert island? Ha!

♪ dramatic music playing♪

- [laughs] Goodbye! Happy getting eaten!

[laughter]

- Oh, we may have sailed too close to the wind on this one, sibs.

- That thing's not getting old.

- Alright, sibs, all hands on deck! Sorry.

We're up the creek without a paddle here.

My bad. So, somebody's gotta bail us out.

I'm starting to think this pun counter may have been a bad idea.

- I think I can get us off the hook!

- Wakko!

- Come on! - Genuine mistake.

Yakko, your slacks, if you please.

[struggling]

- Cured meats were a staple of the mariner's diet in the age of sail,

so having baloney in one's slacks is historically accurate.

Okay, good. But, we're still stuck on this island, high and dr--

I mean between the devil and the deep bl--

No, dead in the wa--

Are there any sayings

which aren't based on sailing?! - Don't worry, boys.

I've got an idea!

♪

I knew that mandatory WB employee screening

of Aquaman would pay off!

- Hey, sibs! We're so meta that the shark jumped us!

- Oh, knock it off, Yakov!

- Well, according to this map I drew [laughs],

Asia should be...

Well, it can't be far now.

Uh, I'm going to say about-a five minutes maybe?

[laughs] How big could the Atlantic Ocean possibly be?

SHIPMATE: Land ahoy!

- Land ahoy? Ah!

I was-a hoping for Asia ahoy.

Wait, what is Asia made of?

- Um, land?

- Land, of course! Asia is made of land!

[laughing] I've done it!

♪

I, Christopher Columbus,

hereby proclaim this land Asia!

DOT: Not even close, Columbozo.

- Asia's about 8,000 miles that-a-way.

- And it's further by ship. That's as the crow flies.

I didn't know that one was nautical, I swear!

- These are the Bahamas.

- Well, I still discovered them.

- Yeah, about that?

♪ In Fourteen Hundred and Ninety Two ♪

♪ Columbus sailed the ocean, true ♪

DOT: ♪ He wasn't a looker and less of a charmer ♪

♪ Claimed he'd be the first man to find the Bahamas ♪

WAKKO: ♪ But this isn't even a new frontier ♪

♪ The Lucayans have been here 1,000 years ♪

ALL: ♪ Are we sure he deserves his very own day? ♪

♪ Asia's still half a world away ♪

[wind blowing]

♪

[growling]

[muttering]

- Land ahoy!

♪

- Oh boy! It's green!

Green land! [gasps]

Have I discovered Greenland?

- Well...

[chirping, squawk]

- I, Christopher Columbus,

proclaim thee Greenland!

- Even further off, Codumbus. - Cuba.

- I'm sorry, how do you keep beating me to these islands anyway?

- Shark chariot.

♪

SHIPMATE: Land a-- - Just park the boat-a!

This had better be Asia this time!

- But, sir, you're navigating.

[chirp, muffled shriek]

- Asia.

- Asia is still away-sia, pal.

- This is Hispaniola.

- Which is modern day Haiti and the Republic Dominican.

- Don't call it that!

You know who will start singing you know what.

- What was that? DOT/WAKKO: Nothing!

- Enough! Enough-a! Enough!

I am going back to Spain!

Without-a you three!

[tires screech]

But-a believe you me.

I won't-a give up.

Next time, I depart-a south southwest,

instead of west southwest.

Straight to Asia!

No local stops on this-a journey!

- Don't you wanna hear our song about

the 750,000 indigenous people who already live here,

you big phony? - Yeah.

I spent all night coming up with a rhyme for Arawak/Taíno.

[groans]

- Let's do it anyway!

ALL: ♪ Columbus sailed the ocean blue ♪

♪ He had three ships, now he has two ♪

DOT: ♪ Through a bunch of nautical accidents ♪

♪ He claimed lands filled with inhabitants ♪

WAKKO: ♪ Next trip, he'll say he finds Jamaica ♪

♪ Sure this time that it's in Asia ♪

YAKKO: ♪ Think that's uncomplimentary ♪

♪ Try reading his Wiki entry ♪

ALL: ♪ He's the captain of endless mistakes ♪

♪ One of history's luckiest fakes ♪

♪ Are we sure he deserves his own day? ♪

♪ He never even set foot in ♪

♪ The USA ♪

[grunting]

[squeaking, chirping]

- Ouch-a! Mama mia!

- Oh. Guess we really knocked the wind out of his sails.

♪

You've done well, little pun counter.

[dog barking]

But the sketch is over now. You're free.

[panting, barking, whining]

- Go on. Get outta here.

[barking]

♪

ALL: Wow.

Uh...

♪

- Guess he couldn't swim. - And now, he's dead in the water.

[ding]