Original subtitles

♪ theme song playing ♪

- ♪ It's time for Animaniacs! ♪

♪ And we're zany to the max ♪

♪ So just sit back and relax ♪

♪ You'll laugh till you collapse ♪

♪ We're Animaniacs! ♪

- ♪ Come join the Warner Brothers ♪ - ♪ And the Warner Sister Dot ♪

♪ Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot ♪

♪ They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught ♪

♪ But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot ♪

♪ We're Animaniacs ♪

♪ Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪

♪ Wakko packs away the snacks ♪

♪ Our careers have made comebacks ♪

♪ We're Animaniacs! ♪

♪ Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe ♪

♪ A brand new cast who tested well in focus group research ♪

♪ Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪

♪ And ethnically diverse ♪

♪ The trolls will say we're so passé, but we did meta first ♪

♪ We're Animaniacs ♪

♪ You should see our new contracts ♪

♪ We're zany to the max, there's baloney in our slacks ♪

♪ We're animan-ey, totally insane-y ♪

- ♪ Mutton is gamey ♪

- ♪ Animaniacs! Those are the facts ♪

♪

- Hey, look!

[all grunt]

What should we do? See a movie?

- Go to the gas station and fill our pants with Freezyshakes?

- Let's rip it up in a shocking rebuke of late capitalism!

You don't own me, five dollars!

[straining] YAKKO: Gimme that!

I've got a better idea.

[gavel banging]

- Alrighty, listen up, folks. Today's auction winner

will be the proud owner of unit 739, abandoned for 20 years.

Who knows what treasures it holds?

Golf clubs? Golf balls? Golf bags? Golf shoes? Golf tees?

A fake golf club you can pee into when nature makes an emergency call

on the 13th hole?

[crickets chirping]

They're a real thing. I've seen the infomercials.

Anyhoo, bidding starts at one dollar. One dollar. Who's got one dollar?

Now, two. Now, two. Who'll give me two? Somebody got two. Will you gimme...

- [overly loud]: No way we're bidding on this one, Wakko!

My sources say that this one's empty!

AUCTIONEER: Lemme hear five. Who's got five? Make me feel alive, show me five.

- I'm not gonna waste my money on this

when the next unit is filled with pirate treasure.

- Good-looking unit. Hm.

Too bad it's cursed. Whole monkey's paw situation, you know?

♪ dramatic musical sting ♪

[woman shudders]

[indistinct whispering]

YAKKO: Five dollars!

And that's my final offer.

- And sold to the dog-monkeys with the poor man's Ben Franklin.

[creak, thud]

[lights clicking]

- It's perrrrrfect.

[all cheering]

- Whoa! An ergonomic office chair!

Ah, I tell you, who needs a credit union

when I could have support like this?

- A mattress with a stain that kinda looks like Vladimir Putin.

♪ patriotic music plays ♪

Ooh!

And here's a magic carpet! Giddy-up!

♪

Huh. I guess it's broken. Oh well.

But will it blend?

[whirring]

- Wait! That's not just any old rug!

- Why, thank you!

I just found it in the corner.

[screaming]

- That's the Bayeux Tapestry!

[possum squeaking]

- Bayeux?

- Gesundheit. - Thanks.

- Woohoo! [zap]

- After you.

- Oh no. I just ate.

I should really wait 30 minutes

before jumping into a magical carpet land.

[grunts] [zap]

I feel different, do you?

- Yeah! We've always been a little two-dimensional,

but this is ridiculous.

♪

YAKKO: Hey guys! Over here!

See? This tapestry tells the story of William the Conqueror,

the first Norman King of England.

♪ dramatic music ♪

- Oh god.

- ♪ Well, the Normans conquered England in the year 1066 ♪

♪ Back when dentists weren't a thing and everyone had fleas and ticks ♪

♪ To commemorate the battle and their courage in the fight ♪

♪ The Normans made the Bayeux Tapestry whose tale ♪

♪ I'll now recite ♪

♪ Oh King Edward, he was this guy! He was ruler, king, and tsar ♪

♪ But the apples from his family tree had fallen pretty far ♪

♪ When he passed away, those leeches didn't even wait a day ♪

♪ They all went in for the scepter like a Vegas night buffet ♪

♪ This guy Harold, Earl of Sussex, who was rocking this goatee ♪

♪ Put his hand up high and swore, "Edward gave England to me" ♪

♪ So he had the archebishop go ahead and crown him king ♪

♪ But our hero said no thanks to kissing Harold's stupid ring ♪

♪ William of Normandy on France's shore ♪

♪ Duke since the age of 12 and hungry for me ♪

♪ He made a claim upon the throne, flakier than a croissant ♪

♪ So his name would live forever in this fun and nifty font ♪

♪ Now, with Harold the Usurper, Will was wondering how to cope ♪

♪ Then he noticed Halley's Comet and thought, "That looks pretty dope! ♪

♪ "It's the universe commanding me to make all England mine ♪

♪ So, I'll bring some boats and horses and a jug or two of wine" ♪

♪ Good old Willy had an army, was at least 10,000 strong ♪

♪ They marched every day in chain mail, more annoying than a thong ♪

♪ Yes, their thighs were really chafing ♪

♪ And their helmets far too tight, maybe that's why after Hastings ♪

♪ They torched everything in sight ♪

♪ In the middle of the battle, things were going down the drain ♪

♪ 'Cause the Normans heard a nasty rumor that their duke was slain ♪

♪ So then, Willy took his helmet off ♪

♪ To show he was alive ♪

♪ And the rest is TLDR ♪

♪ But the gist is Harold died ♪

- Oh, that's sad.

- ♪ William the Conqueror, he stole our hearts ♪

♪ Burned down our houses and our horses and our carts ♪

♪ With his brothers, Bob and Odo, he had sailed across the sea ♪

♪ Sure, he killed a lot of people, but that's ancient history ♪

♪ William the Conqueror, he was so neat ♪

♪ When enemies mocked him, he cut off their feet ♪

♪ He's probably getting tortured down in Hades by some ghoul ♪

♪ But he's related to Elizabeth, that's why we think he's cool ♪

- ♪ Now, that's a crash course in the Tapestry ♪

♪ You'll never learn in school! ♪

[screaming, grunt]

- Hey! I was gonna eat that!

[snarling]

- Git, you varmint! [squeak]

- Okay, I'm convinced.

The Tapestry goes in the "keep" pile.

- Well, what are we gonna do with the rest of this junk?

♪

YAKKO: Hm...

Man, I can't believe the pawn shop gave us

a whole five dollars!

What should we do? See a movie?

- Go to the gas station and fill our pants with Freezyshakes?

- Let's rip-- - Wait a minute.

Why does this keep happening to us?

[gasps]

- Monkey's paw...

[screaming]