Original subtitles

♪ theme song playing ♪

- ♪ It's time for Animaniacs! ♪

♪ And we're zany to the max ♪

♪ So just sit back and relax ♪

♪ You'll laugh till you collapse ♪

♪ We're Animaniacs! ♪

- ♪ Come join the Warner Brothers ♪ - ♪ And the Warner Sister Dot ♪

♪ Just for fun, we run around the Warner movie lot ♪

♪ They lock us in the tower whenever we get caught ♪

♪ But we break loose and then vamoose and now you know the plot ♪

♪ We're Animaniacs ♪

♪ Dot has wit and Yakko yaks ♪

♪ Wakko packs away the snacks ♪

♪ Our careers have made comebacks ♪

♪ We're Animaniacs! ♪

♪ Meet Pinky and the Brain who want to rule the universe ♪

♪ A brand new cast who tested well in focus group research ♪

♪ Gender balanced, pronoun neutral ♪

♪ And ethnically diverse ♪

♪ The trolls will say we're so passé, but we did meta first ♪

♪ We're Animaniacs ♪

♪ You should see our new contracts ♪

♪ We're zany to the max, there's baloney in our slacks ♪

♪ We're animan-ey, totally insane-y ♪

♪ Back again-y ♪

♪ Animaniacs! Those are the facts ♪

♪

♪

YAKKUS: T-togas!

Show the folks back home you've been to Rome

by wearing a T-toga!

- Scrolls to famous Senators' houses!

- Pompeiian volcanic ash globes!

Each globe contains genuine mummified citizen!

[screaming]

- Ah! [straining]

- Actually, that's an anachronism.

Mount Vesuvius doesn't erupt until 79 AD,

another 11 years from now.

[glass shatters] Lazy writing!

- [sighs] Do you guys think opening a souvenir stall

in an age where tourism doesn't exist might've been a mistake?

- Quiet! The news is on!

- [clears throat] Citizens!

By hand of the Emperor Nero, here follows the news!

General Corbulo has quelled the uprising in Britannia!

Brexeunt has been defeated!

[applause, cheering]

And finally, Nero announces a glorious increase in taxation

to fund the building of Hadrian's Wall.

Verily together, we shall keep the barbarians out.

WAKKUS: Hey, no fair!

Nero said he'd make the Caledonians pay for that wall.

- This is an outrage!

[grumbling]

- Praetorians! Seize the dissenters!

♪

DOTTINA: Ralphus?

That's who you got to do your dirty work?

- Is he wearing a cape?

[Warneruses laughing] [Ralphus mumbles sadly]

♪

- You know, I've always thought that capes were very slimming. [nervous laugh]

[fiddling]

[crowd chatter]

- Aurelia Severus, the Gaul Fleet Journal.

Many are claiming that the Senate shutdown

is merely a stunt to distract from your plummeting approval rating.

- Fraudulent heralding. Next.

- Pompus Acostus, Times New Roman.

- Who keeps letting this guy in?

[fiddling] - How do you respond to the allegations

you've accepted bribes from the Thracians?

- Tremendous tribespeople, the Thracians. Good people.

Also, I'm feeding you to the lions.

[whimpering]

- Actually, the fiddle won't be invented for another 800 years.

You should be playing the lyre.

This episode is barely watchable. [angry grumbling]

- You know what? I declare you all enemies of the people.

Guards!

[crowd gasps]

[screaming]

[slam]

RALPHUS: Duh, Mr. De Niro!

These three won't pay their taxes!

- What!? This is an affront to-- Wait.

Are they members of an ultra-rich ruling family?

- Uh, no.

- This is an affront to me, the Emperor himself!

- You're the Emperor? You look taller in the statues.

- Is that your real hair?

- Are those your real hands?

♪

- Yes. Now--

Ah! Get off!

Yes, I am the great Nero!

I have royal blood on both sides!

Both sides, loyal subjects. You see...

♪ playing "Major-General's Song" ♪

♪ I am the very model of an ancient Roman Emperor ♪

♪ I overspend and overtax and overthrow my treasurer ♪

♪ I marry family members from my cousin to my step-sister ♪

♪ I'm always right, I'm never wrong, just ask this neutral Senator ♪

- Th-that is correct.

- ♪ Through sound investigation by Praetorian inquisitors ♪

♪ My mother and my brother were revealed to be conspirators ♪

♪ But Mother dear's no longer here, this bust helps me remember her ♪

♪ I am the very model of an ancient Roman Emperor ♪

- ♪ He fiddles while the city burns, he rules with fear tyrannical ♪

- ♪ He's lazy, brutish, and ill-willed, he thinks that he's infallible ♪

- ♪ His hands are small, he steals from Gaul, his writing's ungrammatical ♪

WARNERUSES: ♪ He's making Roma great again, dogmatic, and fantastical ♪

♪ He's gormless and irascible, tragic and autocratical ♪

♪ Maniacal and radical, positions problematical ♪

♪ Takes endless golf sabbaticals, his tweets are unsyntactical ♪

- Um, we're still talking about Nero, right?

- ♪ He's a narcissist, a petulant, unscrupulous embezzler ♪

♪ He is the very model of an ancient Roman Emperor ♪

[growling]

- You know? I'm starting to think he didn't like our verse.

[roaring]

- Eh. I liked your original version better anyhow.

- Citizens of Rome!

Nero is pleased to bring you today's sacrif-- Um,

I mean entirely fair battle!

- I hold the best games.

Billions of citizens gaze upon my games in wonder.

More than Emperor Caligula.

Plaice faith in my words, subjects, for they speak of the truth.

Let the games begin! [crowd cheering]

[growling, snarling]

[roaring]

[meows]

- I guess I'm just a cat person.

[meowing]

[yelling] [tigers roaring]

- Help! Somebody!

Grab these pussy... - Good night, everybody!

- ...cats! Ow!

[meowing]

[coughs]

- Are you not entertained?

[cheering]

- [grunts] Release the barbarians!

- Your Emperor gives you the barbarian horde!

[guttural growl]

[as Schwarzenegger] Portrayals of Germanic peoples

have been problematic for centuries!

Yaaaaaaaargggh!!! [horde roaring]

I'll hurt you now!

- I got this one, sibs.

[dialing]

Y'ello, Universal Legal Department?

That's right.

Okay, I'm receiving your fax now. [dial-up modem connects]

I have here a DMCA takedown notice

demanding this unauthorized parody of Conan The Barbarian

be removed from this episode immediately.

- Ah, let me peruse.

♪

[sighs] It's watertight.

[disappointed grumbling]

- [growls] Release everything!

- Your Emperor proudly presents the gladiators of Carthage!

♪

The gladiators of America!

♪

And undisputed SPQR Greco-Roman wrestling champ,

John Cena! ♪ hip hop music playing ♪

[fireworks popping, crowd cheering]

♪

[hawk screeches]

- Actually, I'm taking a break from wrestling to try my comedy chops.

[clears throat]

Roman walks into an inn, holds up two fingers and says,

"Give me five wines." Get it?

[quiet coughing]

What, no good? - Stay in thy lane, fiend!

- Agreed! Less stand-up, more smackdown!

[crowd cheering]

- Huh? Huh? - Huh?

- You know, there's more to my character than just eating stuff.

♪

Oh, fine.

JOHN CENA: Ah! [rumbling]

[spitting]

[precarious groaning]

So, this Medusa broad has got to stop objectifying people.

Am I right?

[crash]

[crowd cheering] [elephant bellows]

CROWD: Warneruses! Warneruses!

Warneruses!

- Actually, Warnerus is a second declension noun.

So, the plural for the nominative case would be Warner--

[screaming] [tigers roar]

[crowd cheering]

CROWD: Warneruses! Warneruses! Warneruses! - Huh? Wha? [growls]

♪

- Aw, sweetie.

It's low heat when you're tumble drying plate mail.

- [grunts] My battle armor still fits.

I have an astonishingly excellent figure.

- Let's just agree on astonishing.

♪

- Ooh! Sword fight!

- About time! This tent-pole sketch needs an elaborate action set piece.

- Those are very fair swords.

I'm very fair. Most benevolent and generous.

I speak with veracity.

[klaxon horn blows]

This is very easy for me. I'm very nimble.

Tremendously nimble.

So accurate are my words, place confidence in them.

[straining]

♪

Oh, uh, rotate your hips through impact.

I'm qualified to give this advice as I'm an excellent golfer.

The best. Entrust in me your belief.

- Hey, thanks!

- Verily! [crowd cheering]

[smash]

[groans]

♪

Exile. Not so bad, exile.

Plenty of time to fiddle.

[fiddling]

[fiddling continues]

Gather round, loyal subjects.

Don't we have a tremendous island here?

Much better than the other islands.

Ah!

Ee! Ow! Oh! Ow!

Treachery! Treason!

Insurrection! Impeachment!