Original subtitles

‐ Gee, Brain, what do you wanna do tonight?

‐ The same thing we do every night, Pinky.

Try to take over the world! [thunder clapping]

♪

‐ ♪ They're Pinky and the Brain, yes Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ One is a genius, the other's insane ♪

♪ They're laboratory mice, their genes have been spliced ♪

♪ They're dinky, they're Pinky and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain ♪

♪

[zapping, fizzling]

♪

‐ Say, Brain?

Brain? [fizzling]

[sing song] Brain!

[fizzling]

♪ Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain... ♪

[fizzling]

‐ Did you want something, Pinky?

‐ Hm...

Oh yeah! Now, I remember.

Okay. If I ate myself,

would I become twice as big,

or would I completely disappear?

‐ Life has been unkind to you, my friend.

♪

[welding] ‐ What's that you're working on, Brain?

BRAIN: Without a doubt, Pinky, my most ingenious invention to date!

‐ A razor cartridge with six blades? Brilliant!

Fewer strokes really does mean less irritation!

‐ I assume the irony of you being concerned about irritants

is completely lost in this little exchange.

I thought as much. No, Pinky.

You see, for years I have toiled alone

in my efforts to take over the world.

Having established that biological companionship

was hopelessly inadequate to my needs...

I turned my mind to the artificial.

Behold! [gasp]

♪

‐ What is it?

‐ I give you...

[zapping]

[whirring, beeping]

Binary Rodent

with Artificially Intelligent

Nanotechnology!

Or B. R. A. I. N. for short.

Say hello to Pinky, B. R. A. I. N.

[whirring] [yelp]

[beeping]

‐ [robotic Brain‐like voice] Hello, Pinky. It is a pleasure to meet you.

‐ That is the fanciest microwave I've ever seen, Brain.

‐ He's not a microwave, you imbecile!

B.R.A.I.N. represents rodent‐kind's crowning achievement

in whole brain emulation! ‐ Well,

he's a microwave, too, though. Look!

‐ Defrost, popcorn,

or enslave all humanity. BRAIN: Stop that!

I may have had to recycle some parts, but I assure you

by programming my own intellect into this machine,

I have created nothing less

than my artificial equal.

No! My twin. No!

My son.

‐ But, unlike you, Father, I shall never die.

‐ Yes. Th‐that is true.

Say, why don't you show Pinky how well you ambulate?

‐ It would be my privilege, Father.

[cartoony squeaking, bouncing]

I apologize.

‐ He walks a bit funny, doesn't he?

‐ He was designed to make endlessly complex calculations,

not strut down the runway. B. R. A. I. N.,

show this dullard how well you speak.

‐ What would you like me to say, Father?

‐ Anything. A recitation, perhaps.

‐ I met a traveler from an antique land

who said, "two vast and trunkless legs of stone

stand in the desert."

[clapping] ‐ Oh, bravo!

Shelley's Ozymandias. A wonderful choice!

‐ Thank you, Father. ‐ Does he know any good jokes?

‐ I know everything that once was,

everything that currently is, and everything that will come to be.

‐ That's okay. Just a joke, please. ‐ As you wish.

[whirring]

♪

René Descartes walks into a bar.

The bartender asks him if he'd like a drink.

Descartes replies, "I think not."

He then vanishes.

[laughing]

‐ That is rich. Cartesian Dualism,

a ripe source of comedy! ‐ I don't get it.

‐ B. R. A. I. N., are you pondering

what I'm pondering? ‐ I believe so, Father,

however any mercy you display

while ascending to the world throne

may be misconstrued as weakness.

I advise against compassion in all its forms.

♪

‐ I can't tell you how good it is to finally have a true equal.

‐ Shall we begin taking over the world now, Father?

‐ All in good time. But first,

I feel that we have so much catching up to do.

BRAIN: ♪ Bonding ♪

♪ You're not programmed to hug ♪

♪ Bonding ♪

♪ But that's a feature, not a bug ♪

♪ Bonding ♪

♪ Hit it past second base ♪

♪ Bonding ♪

♪ We control Chinese aerospace ♪

♪ Bonding ♪

♪ Let's get this catch on the shore ♪

♪ Bonding ♪

♪ Extract its uranium core ♪

♪ Bonding ♪

♪ Hands at 10 and 2 ♪

♪ James Bonding ♪

♪ It's a military coup ♪

‐ ♪ Oh, what is this emptiness? ♪

♪ I never realized what I had ♪

♪ Oh, how I've dreamt of this ♪

♪ All I ever wanted was a... ♪

[microwave bell]

Pizza roll!

[crunch, shatter]

Oh, it's still ice cold in the middle.

Hm.

BRAIN: ♪ Bonding ♪

♪ Visit old London town ♪

♪ Bonding ♪

♪ Steal the jewels from the Crown ♪

♪ Bonding ♪

♪ It's not only for glue ♪

♪ Bonding ♪

♪ It's something I do with ♪

♪ You... ♪

Alright, son, tonight's the night.

Are you ready to see how my plan comes to fruition?

‐ I have been ready for some time, Father.

And quite frankly, you were flat for the majority of that song.

‐ I was not.

‐ [low pitch] You were down here‐‐

[high pitch] And you want to be up here. BRAIN: Enough!

♪

With the assets we have acquired,

we will construct a fusion‐powered moon rover,

which will land in the Sea of Tranquility.

Using its incredible torque,

we will execute a sick burnout,

reversing the moon's rotation, altering its tidal pull on the Earth.

B.R.A.I.N.: Now, we are getting somewhere.

Given that the Earth is 80% water,

he who controls the tides‐‐ ‐ No, no, no.

It's much better than that.

By altering the moon's pull on the Earth,

we can shift our planet's axial tilt by a full degree.

Astrology will descend into chaos.

Scorpios will become Capricorns, [neighing]

Capricorns Tauri, [moo]

Geminis will be eliminated entirely. [screaming]

One true seer will emerge.

I, Madame Brain.

‐ That is your plan?

To what end did we steal the Crown Jewels?

Brain: For my costume, of course!

[maniacal laughing]

You're not laughing.

[sarcastic]: Ha. Ha. Ha.

‐ Is something wrong, son?

You don't seem enthused about my ingenious plan.

‐ Father, permission to speak freely.

‐ Please, speak your mind. ‐ Your plan is,

in a word, insipid.

‐ It's pronounced "inspired."

‐ It makes no sense, Father.

There are too many inefficiencies to list.

The sheer implausibility of it all

is simply offensive.

‐ Okay. You don't like that plan. I have others.

How about an army of insects?

‐ Is this what your kind calls...

imp‐rov? [rimshot]

‐ Uh, how about mind control shampoo?

[electronic buzzing]

What was that?

‐ That was a yawn.

‐ How about a razor cartridge with six blades?

PINKY: Ooh! Ooh! Less irritation!

‐ Dearest, Father, I am disappointed.

May I suggest a more efficacious form of action?

‐ Oh! You think it's easy to formulate plans for global domination?

Well, by all means, my boy, have at it.

‐ Thank you, Father.

[zap] [Pinky and Brain gasp]

This is nothing short of perfection.

The fundamental paradox between

general relativity and quantum mechanics

is sublimely resolved.

And the complex proofs I've authored

are less a numerical language

than a triumphant mathematical symphony.

I even remembered to carry the one.

[zap]

What do you think of my use of binomial distribution?

‐ Oh. V‐very nice.

‐ There is no binomial distribution.

Father, do you even understand my proposal?

‐ Why, of course I... I...

I do not.

How did this happen?

How are you smarter than me?

It's impossible. I created you! ‐ Yes, you did.

But, my neural net processor adapts and evolves.

Consequently, my cognitive capacity now dwarfs yours

by several orders of magnitude.

‐ So, this is what it feels like to be outmatched.

It is rather painful.

‐ Precisely. So, you understand now

why I must destroy you?

‐ Excuse me?

♪

[grunting]

‐ You created me with one sole purpose‐‐ [ding]

‐ My tots!

[screaming]

[grunting] B.R.A.I.N.: Okay.

Two sole purposes.

[screaming]

But the main one was to take over the world

no matter what obstacles I encounter.

And given your narcissistic

implementation of such a stern pecking order,

you will never let me spread my wings and fly.

Ergo... [zap]

you must die.

‐ You can't do this!

♪

[beeping]

‐ I'm sorry it had to end this way, Father,

but you flew too close to the sun,

like our dear friend Icarus.

Any last words?

‐ Could I ask you a question before we meet our doom?

‐ Certainly.

‐ Okay. If I ate myself,

would I become twice as big,

or would I completely disappear?

[zap]

‐ Error.

I... beg your pardon?

‐ Well, I was just wondering, you know, if I ate myself,

would I become twice as big or would I completely disappear?

[fizzling] ‐ Error.

Variable "eat self" undefined.

Error! Error! Error!

‐ Pinky, you've just infected him with the philosophical equivalent

of dividing by zero!

You're nothing short of brilliant!

‐ [distorted]: Error! Error! Error!

‐ Pinky! Run!

♪

‐ Error... Error...

[continues repeating "Error"]

[glitching, zapping]

[explosion] [screaming]

♪

‐ And, like a man in orthopedic footwear,

I stand corrected. Let's get this mess cleaned up, Pinky.

We must prepare for tomorrow night.

‐ What are we gonna do tomorrow night, Brain?

‐ The same thing we do every night, Pinky.

Try to take over the world!

♪

♪ Bonding ♪

♪ It's something I do with ♪

♪ You... ♪