Original subtitles

[SINGING] It's time for Animaniacs

And we're zany to the max

So just sit back and relax You'll laugh till you collapse

We're Animaniacs

-Come join the Warner brothers -And the Warner sister, Dot

Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot

They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught

But we break loose and then vamoose And now you know the plot

We're Animaniacs

Dot is cute and Yakko yaks

Wakko packs away the snacks We pay tons of income tax

We're Animaniacs

Meet Ralph and Dr. Scratchansniff And say hi to Hello Nurse

Goodfeathers flock together Slappy whacks them with her purse

Buttons chases Mindy While Rita sings a verse

The writers flipped, we have no script Why bother to rehearse?

We're Animaniacs

We have pay-or-play contracts

We're zany to the max There's bologna in our slacks

We're Animan-y

Totally insane-y

Novocaine-y

Animaniacs

Those are the facts

YAKKO: This is the city. It could be any city, but it's not.

It's Burbank.

I'm a private eye.

I used to be a semi-private eye with a bath and a kitchenette, but I digress.

I was sitting in our office reading the narration for this cartoon...

...while my operatives were finishing up our last case.

[BURPS]

Sorry, it's ratings sweeps week.

My name’s Yakko, I'm the brains of the outfit.

Dot's the heart, and Wakko's a toss-up between the spleen and the pancreas.

We were a well-oiled machine with everything but a client...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

...until she came in.

[SINGING] I've got a big, bold way Of smelling things

No, not her.

Her.

BOTH: Hello, Femme Fatale Nurse.

Boys, go fig.

Stay away from the window. I've been tailed.

Oh, that sounds painful.

-They're not getting mine. -No, no, no.

-I mean, I've been followed. -There's a shocker.

-I need your help. -Faboo.

So, sister, what's your story?

Well, | was born in the wagon of a traveling show.

My mama used to dance for the money they'd throw.

-Papa would do what-- -Not you, her.

[SINGING] It's only one eye, but it's open

No, not you either. Her.

You said "sister."

Call women "sister'

...In the politically-unaware decades preceding women's liberation.

So, sister, who's really not my sister but I'm just calling sister...

...you were about to describe a caper.

Well, it's a little green, pickled thing sometimes found in salads.

That is absolutely correct. Tell her what she's won.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

A date with me.

-Excuse me. Am I in the right place? -And you are...?

-Freakazoid. -Oh, right.

No, the Freakazoid set is down the hall, third door on the right, Stage 12...

Bleh! Bleh, bleh!

... think, but it may have changed.

Thanks.

This is a zany episode.

ANNOUNCER: And now, back to our story.

Tell us, how can we help you?

Yes, please tell us. Please.

So that we can go home sometime in the near future.

Well, it's about my boss. You see, he's missing.

He's missing what? Eyes? Hair? A personality?

No, no, no. He's gone. My boss has vanished.

Would you do that "no, no, no" thing again?

No, no, no.

I love that.

My boss has vanished.

So I guess that means you're available for temp work.

This could conceivably go on forever.

Can you find him?

Of course we can find him. Now, about our fee...

I'm prepared to pay well.

-Fine. We only ask one thing. -What's that?

Never put us on opposite 60 Minutes, we'll get creamed.

[GRUNTS]

-I'm confused. -What else is new?

Is that true about the wagon and the traveling show?

I don't remember that.

Can we please move on?

Sure. Now tell us, where did you last see your boss?

In the Mambo Room at the Tropicombo club.

A band was playing Latin dance music.

I was with the doctor. He mumbled something.

The band had a big dumb guy playing drums...

...and everyone was dancing under a pole. Then the doctor vanished.

Now, let me get this straight. He muttered some mumbo jumbo...

...during the combo's samba in the Mambo at the Tropicombo.

There was a jumbo dumbo playing the limbo on the bongos, then he was gone?

That is absolutely correct.

Tell her what she's won.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Another date with me.

How come I always get the booby prize?

I'm not touching that one.

Let's hit the road.

YAKKO: So we beat it down to the Tropicombo club.

[BAND PLAYING LATIN MUSIC]

We were taking in the show when somebody tried to slip a Mickey in my drink.

Nice try, bub, but I work for Warners.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

[WHISTLES]

Hey, bongo boy, we wanna chew the fat with you.

Ew!

Duh, by God, sir, I'm a guy who likes talking to a guy...

...who likes to talk to a guy what plays the bongos that likes to talk.

Whew. Have you got issues.

Have you seen this guy?

Duh, I don't like to talk about that.

[YAKKO, WAKKO & DOT SCREAMING]

Uh-oh. My bongos.

Uh, I mean, by God, sir.

[ALL GRUNT]

Hey, it's the bird from the photo.

WOMAN 1: I'll take that.

BOTH: Hello, gorgeous mystery lady.

Never mind that, just give me the bird.

We can't. This is a family show.

Stay back, I'm packing a heater.

You can't argue with that, it's too stupid.

Duh, hold it, by God, sir. The bird is mine.

[IN EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT] Yeah, and now it's mine.

Hey, we found him.

Hold it right there, fella, we've been looking for you.

The statue is mine. It's mine. Mine, do you hear?

I gotta tell you, that is the worst Peter Lorre I've ever heard.

I don't care. In five minutes, I'll sell the statue for millions.

WOMAN 2: You mean, I'll sell it. -It's her.

[SINGING] / want a foot-long hot dog And a lemonade

No, no, no. Not her, me.

Wait a minute, you weren't looking for him. You were looking for that statue.

That is absolutely correct.

Tell her what she's won.

One more date with me.

Plus, this lovely Capo di Monte sculpture.

Thanks.

I claim this statue in the name of Gulf & Western.

I claim it in the name of Rupert Murdoch.

Duh, by God, sir, I claim it in the name of Matsushimi--

Uh, Matsushooti-- Duh, for Seagrams.

Ah, I've got it. The mink is working for Fox, the pair of legs is working for Paramount...

...and the guy who needs rehearsal is working for Universal.

Thank you, Dr. Seuss.

The only thing I can't figure out is who are you working for?

I'm not working for anybody.

[GRUNTS]

At last, I've got it.

This microfilm contains all the best ideas for making the funny cartoons. Ha-ha-ha.

Ooh. Those guys upstairs will pay me millions for this.

Here they are. All the great cartoon ideas you'll need for your new studio.

But we don't want them. You see, we have our own, you know, brilliant ideas.

[SCRATCHANSNIFF SIGHS]

Who are those guys?

YAKKO: The stuff that DreamWorks are made of.