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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,102 --> 00:00:04,366 And now, The New Love Boat. 2 00:00:04,537 --> 00:00:07,029 - Welcome aboard the Love Boat. - The what? 3 00:00:07,607 --> 00:00:09,905 Well, it's just a little nickname we have— 4 00:00:10,076 --> 00:00:14,673 Doctor, in my presence, don't ever call this ship a Love Boat. 5 00:00:16,249 --> 00:00:20,686 You have very sensitive eyes, Mr. Beakman. 6 00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,549 I'll bet you're a Libra. 7 00:00:22,722 --> 00:00:24,554 No, I'm a tailor. 8 00:00:24,724 --> 00:00:27,785 I'm the cruise director. I work for the steamship line. 9 00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:29,190 I should be reporting her. 10 00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:31,194 Julie, I'm the assistant purser. 11 00:00:31,364 --> 00:00:33,059 I'm the person you should report this to. 12 00:00:33,233 --> 00:00:35,600 We have to get together, talk over old times. 13 00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:38,033 I'm sure the doctor has patients to see. 14 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:39,797 Drop by my office anytime. 15 00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:41,372 - Okay. - Diseases to cure. 16 00:00:41,541 --> 00:00:42,736 It's on the Fiesta Deck. 17 00:00:42,909 --> 00:00:44,377 - Al right. - Lives to save. 18 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:47,407 You got bad habits. You got bad taste. 19 00:00:47,580 --> 00:00:48,775 You look crummy in the morning. 20 00:00:48,948 --> 00:00:51,713 Think the way you look, you're gonna make anybody forget Paul Newman? 21 00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:55,321 The name Frankie Roosevelt sounds very familiar to me. 22 00:00:55,688 --> 00:00:59,147 Frankie Roosevelt was the president of the United States. 23 00:00:59,659 --> 00:01:00,990 She was? 24 00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:05,541 Doc, what's going on? 25 00:03:05,718 --> 00:03:08,278 I thought Captain Hastings was going to take command this trip. 26 00:03:08,454 --> 00:03:09,478 No, he went on leave. 27 00:03:09,656 --> 00:03:12,751 But we're only getting Captain Stubing for this one trip. 28 00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:13,950 Thank God. 29 00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:15,185 Is he that bad? 30 00:03:15,361 --> 00:03:18,228 Oh, Julie, compared to Captain Merrill Stubing, 31 00:03:18,398 --> 00:03:20,730 Attila the Hun is Father Flanagan. 32 00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:24,461 Ivan the Terrible is Helen Keller. 33 00:03:25,572 --> 00:03:26,596 Any sign of him? 34 00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:28,400 No, no, no. Not yet. 35 00:03:29,809 --> 00:03:31,971 Well, it's time. 36 00:03:36,516 --> 00:03:38,814 Right on the button. 37 00:03:39,819 --> 00:03:41,253 Well, wish me luck. 38 00:03:41,788 --> 00:03:43,586 From what I hear, you're gonna need it. 39 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,421 Hey, doc, what is this guy really like? 40 00:03:50,597 --> 00:03:54,625 Isaac, compared to him, Heinrich Himmler was Mother Tums. 41 00:04:00,940 --> 00:04:03,102 Welcome aboard the Princess, Captain Stubing. 42 00:04:03,276 --> 00:04:04,937 I'm Julie McCoy, your cruise director. 43 00:04:05,111 --> 00:04:06,203 Also your girl Friday 44 00:04:06,379 --> 00:04:09,144 and your all-around chief cook and bottle washer. 45 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:11,183 Am I wearing a fez? 46 00:04:11,618 --> 00:04:15,054 Do I have a name tag that says, "Hi, I'm Skippy, what's your name?" 47 00:04:15,221 --> 00:04:16,518 - No, sir, but |- - And please, 48 00:04:16,689 --> 00:04:19,158 don't assume that I'm here for a Shriners convention. 49 00:04:19,692 --> 00:04:21,592 Very good, sir, it's just that if you ask me— 50 00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:25,163 Miss McCoy, for your future edification, 51 00:04:25,331 --> 00:04:27,095 I always have the last word. 52 00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:30,630 Dismissed. 53 00:04:30,803 --> 00:04:32,328 Cap— 54 00:04:39,345 --> 00:04:42,838 I think I have some mirrors and glasses to polish. 55 00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:44,040 Chicken. 56 00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:47,949 I've got a streak of yellow feathers all the way down my back. 57 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,520 Bye. 58 00:04:59,065 --> 00:05:00,430 How you doing, captain? 59 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,568 This is Dr. Bricker, our ship's doctor. 60 00:05:02,735 --> 00:05:05,864 - Welcome aboard The Love Boat. - The what? 61 00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,734 That's just a little nickname we have— 62 00:05:07,907 --> 00:05:09,739 Isn't that charming? 63 00:05:09,909 --> 00:05:15,040 Doctor, in my presence, don't ever call this ship a Love Boat. 64 00:05:35,868 --> 00:05:37,336 I gotta go. I'm late. 65 00:05:37,503 --> 00:05:39,494 Oh, honey. Oh, Gopher, honey, 66 00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:42,733 you're the most wonderful three days of my entire life. 67 00:05:43,976 --> 00:05:45,569 You're so cute. 68 00:05:45,745 --> 00:05:47,543 You're the cutest thing I ever saw. 69 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:49,939 Well, Cleo, I'm crazy about you. 70 00:05:50,116 --> 00:05:51,515 But I really gotta go. 71 00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:54,585 I'll call you the second I'm back in port, all right? 72 00:05:55,755 --> 00:05:57,245 Bye. 73 00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:03,086 Save me some kisses. 74 00:06:05,631 --> 00:06:08,794 That's the sweetest thing anybody ever said to me. 75 00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:14,068 Oh, Gophy. Bye-bye, honey. 76 00:06:21,347 --> 00:06:22,712 Attention, please. 77 00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:27,911 Will all passengers now board. The Princess is prepared to sail. 78 00:06:28,955 --> 00:06:30,445 - Hello 79 00:06:30,623 --> 00:06:33,024 My old man always told me never travel with a woman. 80 00:06:33,192 --> 00:06:36,218 Oh, Emie, you know, you never would have come on a cruise alone. 81 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:39,093 By myself? I would've gotten as far as a bowling alley. 82 00:06:39,265 --> 00:06:40,960 You just don't wanna have any fun. 83 00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:42,329 Oh, no? 84 00:06:42,502 --> 00:06:46,837 Well, when we get to our stateroom, I'll show you some fun. 85 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:49,633 All right. 86 00:06:52,044 --> 00:06:54,411 Hello. Enjoy yourself. 87 00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:59,044 Oh, excuse me. Am I on the right ship? 88 00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:00,344 Morris Beakman. 89 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,017 This is the Princess cruise. 90 00:07:02,188 --> 00:07:04,520 Five days out and back, including Puerto Vallarta. 91 00:07:04,690 --> 00:07:07,182 Oh, thank you. Is there a list I should be checked off on? 92 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,351 I mean, so you know I'm here. 93 00:07:10,730 --> 00:07:13,199 - You're here. - Oh, thank you very much. 94 00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:14,925 Simple as that, huh? 95 00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:18,162 Oh, I told you, Beakman. Morris Beakman. 96 00:07:18,337 --> 00:07:19,634 Yes, enjoy yourself. 97 00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:22,400 Have a good time. 98 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:28,573 Hello. 99 00:07:28,748 --> 00:07:33,982 Honey, direct me to the john, the booze and any single men over 27. 100 00:07:34,153 --> 00:07:35,382 In any order. 101 00:07:36,489 --> 00:07:39,220 Well, the ladies room is down the deck and to the right. 102 00:07:39,692 --> 00:07:41,319 Rest is up to you. 103 00:07:41,494 --> 00:07:42,825 Thanks, sweetie. 104 00:07:46,098 --> 00:07:48,965 - This is my idea of heaven, Stanley. - Yeah. 105 00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,899 Mine too. 106 00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:53,971 My sister spent her honeymoon in a condo at Lake Arrowhead. 107 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:56,165 At the time, I thought: 108 00:07:57,710 --> 00:07:59,542 But this? 109 00:08:00,046 --> 00:08:01,673 Yeah. 110 00:08:02,248 --> 00:08:03,841 The good times are just beginning, Joyce. 111 00:08:06,052 --> 00:08:09,420 You know, if two weeks ago, someone had come up to me and said that: 112 00:08:09,589 --> 00:08:12,149 "Stanley, you're gonna meet a girl. 113 00:08:13,392 --> 00:08:15,520 You're gonna fall in love. 114 00:08:16,629 --> 00:08:17,858 Get married. 115 00:08:18,698 --> 00:08:22,362 And know joy like you never thought could happen.” 116 00:08:23,903 --> 00:08:25,530 I'd have said, "Stick it in your ear.” 117 00:08:26,105 --> 00:08:27,971 Me too. 118 00:08:36,115 --> 00:08:38,413 - Joyce? - You wanna go to the cabin, huh? 119 00:08:38,584 --> 00:08:41,178 - Do you? - I'll go when you go. 120 00:08:44,156 --> 00:08:47,456 - Right. - Right. 121 00:08:47,894 --> 00:08:49,259 Attention, please? 122 00:08:49,428 --> 00:08:53,126 Will the following passengers please report to the purser's office: 123 00:08:53,299 --> 00:08:57,065 Mr. R. Masterson, Mr. J. Williams, 124 00:08:57,236 --> 00:09:01,036 Miss N. Bar, and Mr. G. Summers. 125 00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:03,972 Please report to the purser's lobby. 126 00:09:23,529 --> 00:09:25,122 Isn't this exciting? 127 00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:27,429 I always think so. 128 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,261 Are you one of the sailors? 129 00:09:29,635 --> 00:09:30,966 That's right. 130 00:09:31,137 --> 00:09:33,105 I love your boat. 131 00:09:33,272 --> 00:09:34,899 Thank you. 132 00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:37,441 - Cast off, captain? - Right. 133 00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:40,136 I have to go in and sail it now. 134 00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:43,082 Okay. Bye-bye, honey. 135 00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:33,455 Walk through that door and you might as well rip out my heart. 136 00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:36,534 Made up, I'm leaving, goodbye. 137 00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:38,534 Oh, come on, Emie. 138 00:10:38,704 --> 00:10:40,695 Monty Hall wouldn't do this to us. 139 00:10:40,873 --> 00:10:42,500 I'm sure it's a mistake. 140 00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:45,706 No. Letting you dress me up as a head of cabbage 141 00:10:45,878 --> 00:10:48,870 on national television, that was a mistake. 142 00:10:49,048 --> 00:10:52,780 But, Emie, it's the Big Deal of the Day. 143 00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:55,114 For who? The bionic man? 144 00:10:55,287 --> 00:10:57,415 I mean, putting you and me, of all people, 145 00:10:57,590 --> 00:11:01,584 in a cabin with twin beds. That's an act against nature. 146 00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:04,390 Please, excuse me for interrupting 147 00:11:04,563 --> 00:11:06,190 but I think I could be of some assistance. 148 00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:08,527 Thanks, Pop, but this is a private argument. 149 00:11:09,035 --> 00:11:12,369 Pop? Well, you don't understand. My room has a double bed. 150 00:11:12,538 --> 00:11:14,336 And I wouldn't mind trading. 151 00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:18,705 Oh, we couldn't put you out like that. 152 00:11:18,878 --> 00:11:21,313 No trouble at all. Beakman. Morris Beakman. 153 00:11:21,480 --> 00:11:23,847 And believe me, I don't mind. 154 00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:27,383 I haven't needed a bed like that for 15 years. 155 00:11:27,920 --> 00:11:29,251 Oh, I'm sorry. 156 00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:30,685 Thanks a lot, Beakman. 157 00:11:31,323 --> 00:11:32,791 We're the Klopmans. 158 00:11:32,958 --> 00:11:36,417 I'm Leon or a and this is my hubby, Emie. 159 00:11:36,595 --> 00:11:38,063 Nice to see you. 160 00:11:38,230 --> 00:11:42,963 Emie. Oh, this place is a regular Buckingham Palace with portholes. 161 00:11:43,135 --> 00:11:44,796 Are you from a game show too? 162 00:11:44,970 --> 00:11:46,699 No, I'm from New York. 163 00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:51,036 Oh, well, you see, we won this cruise on Let's Make a Deal. 164 00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:53,872 And I also got this genuine fur piece. 165 00:11:54,046 --> 00:11:57,448 And $600 worth of polyester pantsuits. 166 00:11:57,616 --> 00:11:59,380 She looks great in anything. 167 00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:00,917 I'll get my toiletries. 168 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,246 - Sorry. - Excuse me. I'm awfully sorry. 169 00:12:03,422 --> 00:12:04,890 - Are you okay? 170 00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:06,616 Adam? 171 00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:10,285 Adam Bricker? It's really you. 172 00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:12,425 - I'm sorry but— - Wait. 173 00:12:12,598 --> 00:12:15,226 Don't tell me you've forgotten your very first patient. 174 00:12:15,701 --> 00:12:17,499 - Leon or a? 175 00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:19,069 I don't believe it. 176 00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:22,765 Last time I saw you, you'd just gotten your first evening gown. 177 00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:26,943 Oh, gee, it's good to see you. 178 00:12:27,980 --> 00:12:29,505 Old friends. 179 00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:32,515 Leon or a Sanders. What a surprise. 180 00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:35,177 Well, I got a bigger surprise for you. 181 00:12:35,354 --> 00:12:37,379 It's Leon or a Klopman now. 182 00:12:37,556 --> 00:12:39,820 And I'm Emie Klopman, her husband. 183 00:12:39,992 --> 00:12:42,222 Hi, I'm Adam Bricker, ship's doctor. 184 00:12:42,394 --> 00:12:44,954 Well, my wife doesn't need a diagnosis. 185 00:12:45,131 --> 00:12:47,259 Adam roomed at my mother's boarding house 186 00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:49,902 when he was in med school. 187 00:12:50,069 --> 00:12:51,161 I was just a kid then. 188 00:12:51,537 --> 00:12:53,767 But, boy, did I have a crush on you. 189 00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:55,065 Oh, too bad I never knew. 190 00:12:55,241 --> 00:12:57,938 You could have saved me a fortune in alimony. 191 00:12:58,310 --> 00:12:59,903 It's a small world. 192 00:13:00,079 --> 00:13:01,547 Oh, this is Mr. Beakman. 193 00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:04,342 Oh, Mr. Beakman, how are you? 194 00:13:04,583 --> 00:13:06,051 How do I look? 195 00:13:06,218 --> 00:13:07,879 Is that just a friendly question 196 00:13:08,053 --> 00:13:10,579 or are you asking for medical advice? 197 00:13:10,756 --> 00:13:13,748 Adam, we have to get together and talk over old times. 198 00:13:13,926 --> 00:13:16,156 I'm sure the doctor has patients to see. 199 00:13:16,328 --> 00:13:17,955 Drop by my office anytime. 200 00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:19,495 - Okay. - Diseases to cure. 201 00:13:19,665 --> 00:13:20,860 It's on the Fiesta Deck. 202 00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:22,501 - Al right. - Lives to save. 203 00:13:23,836 --> 00:13:26,066 - I better be going. - So soon. 204 00:13:26,238 --> 00:13:27,603 - Nice to meet you, Bernie. - Emie. 205 00:13:27,773 --> 00:13:29,002 Emie. Mr. Beakman. 206 00:13:29,175 --> 00:13:30,904 Doctor. 207 00:13:34,413 --> 00:13:36,177 - I's a good thing he's a doctor. - Why? 208 00:13:36,348 --> 00:13:41,252 Because if he comes near you again, I'm gonna break his arm. 209 00:13:41,620 --> 00:13:44,487 Emie, Emie, listen to an old man. 210 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,455 Violence, it's no good. 211 00:13:46,625 --> 00:13:48,889 Only gives you heartburn. 212 00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:51,224 Attention, will the cruise director 213 00:13:51,397 --> 00:13:54,059 report immediately to the captain. 214 00:14:13,919 --> 00:14:17,913 You seem a trifle nervous, Miss McCoy, is that on my account? 215 00:14:18,090 --> 00:14:19,819 Yes, but I'll get over it. 216 00:14:19,992 --> 00:14:21,460 Don't be too sure. 217 00:14:21,627 --> 00:14:25,029 My Captain Bligh reputation is only partly myth. 218 00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:26,665 I'll keep that in mind. 219 00:14:26,832 --> 00:14:29,096 By the way, have you made out your guest list for dinner? 220 00:14:29,268 --> 00:14:30,736 I always handle that for the captain. 221 00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:34,134 Yes, that is why I summoned you. 222 00:14:34,306 --> 00:14:36,798 I have selected some people from the passenger list. 223 00:14:36,976 --> 00:14:40,344 I think might make reasonably unobtrusive dinner companions. 224 00:14:40,512 --> 00:14:43,243 Please invite them to my table. 225 00:14:43,415 --> 00:14:45,782 Well, there are only six. You have room for one more. 226 00:14:45,951 --> 00:14:47,112 I know. 227 00:14:47,286 --> 00:14:50,415 Just before we sailed, I saw a young woman who intrigued me. 228 00:14:50,589 --> 00:14:52,819 I want you to invite her too. 229 00:14:52,992 --> 00:14:54,187 And what's her name? 230 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,021 That is your mission: 231 00:14:56,195 --> 00:14:57,993 To find out. 232 00:14:58,264 --> 00:15:02,565 She was blond-haired, was pretty, 233 00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,897 was wearing a trench coat, 234 00:15:05,204 --> 00:15:08,504 and had a tousled look. 235 00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:11,173 You can't miss her. 236 00:15:11,343 --> 00:15:14,005 - A tousled look? - That's what I said. 237 00:15:14,179 --> 00:15:17,638 She was also charming and childlike. 238 00:15:18,384 --> 00:15:19,715 Well, I'll try to track her down. 239 00:15:19,885 --> 00:15:22,820 Do that by tonight. 240 00:15:24,156 --> 00:15:25,555 It is very important to me 241 00:15:25,724 --> 00:15:29,251 that I share my table with people I like. 242 00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:30,987 Yes, sir. 243 00:15:54,653 --> 00:15:56,314 You can roll your sleeve down, Mr. Beakman. 244 00:15:56,488 --> 00:15:59,788 Thank you. Well, doctor, what's the verdict? 245 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,826 Classic case of mal de mer. 246 00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:04,690 Has anyone ever died from it? 247 00:16:04,863 --> 00:16:06,353 Only on the Titanic. 248 00:16:06,532 --> 00:16:07,966 You're seasick, Mr. Beakman. 249 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:12,297 Here, just take one of these every three hours. 250 00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:13,939 - Thank you. - Nothing to worry about. 251 00:16:14,106 --> 00:16:17,770 I'm not worried, doctor, but when a man reaches my age, 252 00:16:17,943 --> 00:16:20,105 he knows when to start counting the sunsets. 253 00:16:20,279 --> 00:16:22,338 I've been doing that myself lately. 254 00:16:22,514 --> 00:16:23,845 What? 255 00:16:24,016 --> 00:16:25,541 - You? - Yeah. 256 00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:29,313 But it's what happens after sunset that I've had to start counting. 257 00:16:30,689 --> 00:16:32,316 Well, maybe your luck will change. 258 00:16:33,092 --> 00:16:37,427 Me? I got on this ship because I didn't think I'd be getting off again. 259 00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:39,189 If you're looking for a job as a deckhand, 260 00:16:39,365 --> 00:16:40,833 I can put in a good word for you. 261 00:16:41,266 --> 00:16:45,100 No, no, doc, this is the kind of feeling you get 262 00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:46,465 when you wake up on the subway 263 00:16:46,638 --> 00:16:48,697 and you realize you've passed your stop. 264 00:16:48,874 --> 00:16:53,038 Oh, Mr. Beakman, your stop is way down the line. 265 00:16:53,212 --> 00:16:55,203 Come on. You'll outlive us all. 266 00:16:56,482 --> 00:16:59,110 Well, I've already outlived my wife, my friends, 267 00:16:59,284 --> 00:17:01,309 every member of my family. 268 00:17:01,487 --> 00:17:04,354 Who? Who's left? 269 00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:09,794 You know what worries me, doctor? 270 00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,953 Wherever they are, 271 00:17:12,164 --> 00:17:14,792 they're having more fun than I am. 272 00:17:18,937 --> 00:17:20,371 Your attention, please. 273 00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:23,873 Lunch is now being served in the coral dining room. 274 00:17:24,943 --> 00:17:26,433 Thank you. 275 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,412 Here. 276 00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:39,048 - Hi there. - Oh, hi. 277 00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:40,988 We're the Klopmans. 278 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,857 I'm Leon or a and this is my hubby, Emie. 279 00:17:44,029 --> 00:17:45,588 - Oh, hi. - Hi, how are you? 280 00:17:45,764 --> 00:17:47,994 I'm Mae. Mae Allen. 281 00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:49,965 Oh, that's a pretty name. 282 00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:52,929 Isn't this fabulous? 283 00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:55,565 We haven't eaten in any place so fancy 284 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:58,802 since my Cousin Katie's wedding at the Elks Club. 285 00:17:58,977 --> 00:18:02,845 Did you notice the chopped liver in the shape of a sombrero? 286 00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:05,279 By the time I got through with it, it looked like a derby. 287 00:18:09,054 --> 00:18:10,180 Oh, Mr. Beakman. 288 00:18:11,356 --> 00:18:13,347 Come and join us. 289 00:18:13,525 --> 00:18:15,015 Oh, well, actually, I was just— 290 00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:18,755 Oh, come on. Sit down. 291 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,560 Well, thank you very much. 292 00:18:22,734 --> 00:18:24,259 I'm Mae Allen. 293 00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:26,200 Well, how do you do, Mrs. Allen? 294 00:18:26,371 --> 00:18:28,430 It's Ms. Allen. 295 00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:32,475 I've come a long, long way, baby. 296 00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:35,613 I've come from the East Coast myself. 297 00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:37,943 My name is Morris Beakman. 298 00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:41,218 Clever. Have you noticed how they shaped the chopped liver 299 00:18:41,386 --> 00:18:42,854 like a yarmulke? 300 00:18:44,990 --> 00:18:46,116 Like a what? 301 00:18:46,291 --> 00:18:48,555 Oh, excuse me. Skullcaps. 302 00:18:50,229 --> 00:18:54,632 You have very sensitive eyes, Mr. Beakman. 303 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,461 I'll bet you're a Libra. 304 00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:59,297 No, I'm a tailor. 305 00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:01,232 That's astigmatism. 306 00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:03,874 A tailor. 307 00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:08,344 - You look more like a banker. - That's funny. 308 00:19:08,514 --> 00:19:11,074 My mother always wanted me to be a banker. 309 00:19:11,650 --> 00:19:14,142 Well, you should have listened to your mother. 310 00:19:14,319 --> 00:19:16,185 You'd be a rich man today. 311 00:19:16,355 --> 00:19:17,720 I'd also be dead. 312 00:19:20,192 --> 00:19:23,321 The bank in our neighborhood blew up in 1949. 313 00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:30,031 Hey, Adam. 314 00:19:32,204 --> 00:19:34,798 Will you stop throwing yourself at that guy? 315 00:19:34,973 --> 00:19:37,340 Bunkie, he's just a friend. 316 00:19:37,509 --> 00:19:38,908 That was on land. 317 00:19:39,077 --> 00:19:42,240 You don't know what the sea air does to some men. 318 00:19:43,415 --> 00:19:45,577 I know what it does to you. 319 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,184 Isn't that cute? 320 00:19:50,589 --> 00:19:54,457 Oh, you two are really in love, aren't you? 321 00:19:55,093 --> 00:19:57,585 I'll bet you have a terrific sex life. 322 00:19:59,898 --> 00:20:02,868 Oh, sorry, honey. Am I embarrassing you? 323 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,264 Well, I never. 324 00:20:04,436 --> 00:20:07,895 Well, maybe you should, it's good for you. 325 00:20:14,513 --> 00:20:16,072 Julie, she's gotta be here someplace. 326 00:20:16,248 --> 00:20:17,340 Oh, she just vanished. 327 00:20:17,516 --> 00:20:18,608 What are you gonna do now? 328 00:20:18,784 --> 00:20:21,617 Well, I'm not gonna tell the captain we failed, that's for sure. 329 00:20:22,087 --> 00:20:24,146 She will be at his table. 330 00:20:24,323 --> 00:20:25,415 I sure hope so. 331 00:20:25,591 --> 00:20:28,686 This guy, Stubing, is bad news. Very bad news. 332 00:20:28,860 --> 00:20:30,624 - Oh, you know him? - Yeah, I know him. 333 00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:31,922 Where do you know him from? 334 00:20:32,097 --> 00:20:33,997 - Never mind. I just know him. - Come on, Gopher. 335 00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:35,861 - Where do you know him from? - I know him— 336 00:20:36,034 --> 00:20:39,402 Hey, you guys. Everybody's supposed to be helping me out, okay? 337 00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:41,835 - Okay. - Okay. 338 00:20:42,007 --> 00:20:44,408 "Blond hair, tousled look." 339 00:20:44,576 --> 00:20:48,945 - "Trench coach, charming, childlike.” - No. 340 00:20:49,114 --> 00:20:50,138 Does that ring a bell? 341 00:20:50,716 --> 00:20:52,480 Well, yeah, but not one here on the ship. 342 00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:55,515 Oh, that describes a third of the women I know. 343 00:20:55,687 --> 00:20:58,315 This describes Harpo Marx. 344 00:21:36,595 --> 00:21:37,756 Good evening. 345 00:21:37,929 --> 00:21:39,727 - Where is she? - Who? 346 00:21:42,434 --> 00:21:46,735 Oh, you mean that tousled, blond-haired, trench-coated person. 347 00:21:47,172 --> 00:21:50,107 I seem to be dining with an empty chair. 348 00:21:50,275 --> 00:21:53,905 These people are entertaining as chiropodists go. 349 00:21:54,079 --> 00:21:56,980 But I want that blond-haired lady I saw. 350 00:21:58,417 --> 00:22:00,977 Captain Stubing, if you knew how much time I've spent trying to— 351 00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:04,555 If I have failed to make myself clear to you, speak up. 352 00:22:05,223 --> 00:22:06,384 No, sir. 353 00:22:06,558 --> 00:22:07,821 You haven't failed. 354 00:22:07,993 --> 00:22:09,461 Good. 355 00:22:10,562 --> 00:22:15,830 May I suggest the omelet chorizo plain? It was my mother's favorite. 356 00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:35,279 - You wanna turn in, Stanley? - Do you? 357 00:22:35,454 --> 00:22:37,422 Whenever you want to. 358 00:22:38,557 --> 00:22:40,821 We got plenty of time. 359 00:22:40,992 --> 00:22:43,427 Let's take advantage of every single minute. 360 00:22:43,595 --> 00:22:45,859 No sense rushing off. 361 00:22:47,966 --> 00:22:50,594 Not since we're having such a good time. 362 00:22:58,009 --> 00:22:59,738 You play gin? 363 00:23:00,946 --> 00:23:02,846 Julie, come on. 364 00:23:03,014 --> 00:23:04,277 Hey. 365 00:23:04,449 --> 00:23:07,578 Listen, all we do is we step into my cabin. 366 00:23:07,753 --> 00:23:09,414 We'll pour some Kahlua on the rocks, 367 00:23:09,588 --> 00:23:12,250 we'll go down the passenger list name by name, 368 00:23:12,424 --> 00:23:14,415 and if we come to a Marx, Harpo, 369 00:23:14,593 --> 00:23:18,552 then we got you one tousled-haired dame in a trench coat. 370 00:23:20,298 --> 00:23:22,494 Or a tousled-haired dame in a towel. 371 00:23:22,667 --> 00:23:25,659 Oh, honey, I saved you all my kisses. 372 00:23:25,837 --> 00:23:28,431 Oh, honey. 373 00:23:28,774 --> 00:23:31,368 - Why did you do this? - Because I love you 374 00:23:31,543 --> 00:23:35,138 and I couldn't stand to be away from you for five whole days. 375 00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:38,147 How did you get in the ship? 376 00:23:38,316 --> 00:23:41,013 I just walked on with everyone else. 377 00:23:41,186 --> 00:23:42,585 But I'll leave in the morning. 378 00:23:43,121 --> 00:23:45,283 In case you haven't noticed, we're at sea. 379 00:23:45,724 --> 00:23:47,783 I know, isn't it exciting? 380 00:23:47,959 --> 00:23:50,451 Now, wait, maybe we can book passage. Did you bring any money? 381 00:23:50,629 --> 00:23:52,097 I have $5. 382 00:23:52,264 --> 00:23:54,198 Great. You can book breakfast. 383 00:23:54,366 --> 00:23:55,731 Let's go, put your clothes on. 384 00:23:55,901 --> 00:23:57,801 - I don't have any. - What? 385 00:23:57,969 --> 00:23:59,767 Just a raincoat. 386 00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:02,236 I didn't have time to dress this morning, do you know why? 387 00:24:02,407 --> 00:24:04,136 I'll tell you, just put your raincoat on. 388 00:24:04,309 --> 00:24:06,300 - Indoors? 389 00:24:07,345 --> 00:24:11,373 One stowaway on this ship and Stubing wants to have dinner with her. 390 00:24:11,550 --> 00:24:13,575 You know what this is? This is Murphy's Law. 391 00:24:13,752 --> 00:24:15,277 Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. 392 00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:16,979 I'm the cruise director. 393 00:24:17,155 --> 00:24:20,022 I work for this steamship line. I should be reporting her. 394 00:24:20,192 --> 00:24:21,990 Julie, I'm the assistant purser. 395 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:23,753 I'm the person you should report this to. 396 00:24:23,929 --> 00:24:26,762 This is crazy. We can both lose our jobs. 397 00:24:26,932 --> 00:24:28,457 Yes. 398 00:24:31,403 --> 00:24:33,337 Why me? 399 00:24:33,605 --> 00:24:35,573 I don't know. 400 00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:53,147 I'm ahead by 14 games. 401 00:24:57,429 --> 00:24:59,022 It's late. 402 00:24:59,197 --> 00:25:00,892 I know. 403 00:25:19,384 --> 00:25:21,443 This is for your dress. 404 00:25:21,620 --> 00:25:23,611 Very thoughtful. 405 00:25:39,404 --> 00:25:41,532 I'll be out in just a minute. 406 00:27:19,070 --> 00:27:20,231 Hello, Stanley. 407 00:27:20,405 --> 00:27:22,430 Oh, Joyce, how are you? 408 00:27:22,607 --> 00:27:25,907 - I love you, Stanley. - I love you too, Joyce. 409 00:27:26,077 --> 00:27:28,842 I was feeling a little nervous before but I'm not now. 410 00:27:29,014 --> 00:27:30,778 Because I'm calm and reassuring? 411 00:27:30,949 --> 00:27:33,543 Because I took five Dramamines. 412 00:27:34,552 --> 00:27:38,580 You know, the bottle said only take one but I was feeling very nauseous. 413 00:27:38,757 --> 00:27:41,556 Guess the bottle knew what it was talking about. 414 00:27:44,629 --> 00:27:47,257 Be gentle, that's all I ask. 415 00:27:48,466 --> 00:27:52,425 Let me know if there's something I should be doing, okay, Stanley? 416 00:27:52,604 --> 00:27:55,539 Yeah, sure. Of course. 417 00:28:08,420 --> 00:28:10,684 So, Joyce... 418 00:28:11,656 --> 00:28:13,954 ...is there anything that your other boyfriends did, 419 00:28:14,125 --> 00:28:16,753 some erogenous zone that I might not know about? 420 00:28:18,296 --> 00:28:20,492 Use your own judgment. 421 00:28:20,665 --> 00:28:22,133 Fair enough. 422 00:28:22,300 --> 00:28:24,200 That will be fine. 423 00:28:26,237 --> 00:28:29,400 Joyce, I'm reading between the lines here. 424 00:28:29,574 --> 00:28:31,406 Please forgive me. 425 00:28:32,010 --> 00:28:34,001 Please let me be wrong. 426 00:28:34,779 --> 00:28:36,838 I'm getting the idea 427 00:28:37,082 --> 00:28:39,312 that you've never done this before. 428 00:28:39,484 --> 00:28:40,974 Not in so many words. 429 00:28:41,152 --> 00:28:42,586 Oh, dear God. 430 00:28:43,955 --> 00:28:45,980 - Are you sure? - I'd know, wouldn't I? 431 00:28:46,157 --> 00:28:47,818 Yeah. 432 00:28:48,226 --> 00:28:50,217 Yes, I suppose you would. 433 00:28:53,531 --> 00:28:58,560 Listen, I know men have a strong sense of honor about this kind of thing. 434 00:28:58,737 --> 00:29:00,705 But I thought it was something desirable 435 00:29:00,872 --> 00:29:02,397 on a wedding night situation. 436 00:29:02,574 --> 00:29:06,442 I'm not having a problem with my honor here, Joyce. 437 00:29:08,012 --> 00:29:12,313 What we do have is a matter of the blind leading the blind. 438 00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:16,451 Oh, God. 439 00:29:16,755 --> 00:29:19,622 So, Joyce, I'm open to suggestions. 440 00:29:20,558 --> 00:29:22,356 What should we do? 441 00:29:25,096 --> 00:29:27,190 Some kissing first, I think. 442 00:29:28,199 --> 00:29:30,031 That's fair enough. 443 00:29:37,976 --> 00:29:40,206 Joyce, shall we—? 444 00:29:40,378 --> 00:29:41,777 Joyce? 445 00:29:41,946 --> 00:29:44,142 Well, don't fall asleep. 446 00:29:46,251 --> 00:29:47,582 Just— 447 00:29:56,928 --> 00:29:58,453 Joyce? 448 00:30:01,166 --> 00:30:02,793 Joyce? 449 00:30:04,769 --> 00:30:05,998 Is it over? 450 00:30:50,081 --> 00:30:53,142 Okay, which one of you kiddies is ready to take on 451 00:30:53,318 --> 00:30:56,549 the Billie Jean King of Ping-Pong? 452 00:30:59,657 --> 00:31:02,217 Too much for you, huh? 453 00:31:03,328 --> 00:31:05,854 Anyone for table tennis? 454 00:31:06,998 --> 00:31:10,059 Hey, I's a great way to keep your shape. 455 00:31:10,435 --> 00:31:13,564 Ten years from now, you'll be sorry. 456 00:31:17,642 --> 00:31:19,633 Hello in there. 457 00:31:19,811 --> 00:31:22,576 Can Morris come out and play? 458 00:31:22,747 --> 00:31:24,977 I just wanna get some sun. 459 00:31:25,149 --> 00:31:26,639 Some sun? 460 00:31:26,818 --> 00:31:30,049 You better be careful, you're gonna get a tan. 461 00:31:30,255 --> 00:31:33,281 Hey, wanna play some Ping-Pong? 462 00:31:33,458 --> 00:31:36,257 Look, honey, I wanted to take a nap. 463 00:31:37,929 --> 00:31:42,594 Are you gonna spend this entire cruise just sitting around like an old coot? 464 00:31:43,601 --> 00:31:46,002 I certainly hope so. 465 00:31:46,170 --> 00:31:48,002 You know what your problem is? 466 00:31:48,673 --> 00:31:51,472 You think like an old man. 467 00:31:54,412 --> 00:31:56,005 I am an old man. 468 00:31:56,180 --> 00:31:58,979 Oh, baloney, you're as old as you feel. 469 00:31:59,150 --> 00:32:00,743 I feel pretty old. 470 00:32:00,919 --> 00:32:02,318 That's terrible. 471 00:32:02,487 --> 00:32:03,579 It's wonderful. 472 00:32:03,755 --> 00:32:07,487 Being old is not a crime, it's a pleasure. 473 00:32:07,659 --> 00:32:11,118 - You ought to try it sometime. - Well, I will when I'm 65. 474 00:32:11,296 --> 00:32:15,290 You really think when you get old you stop having fun? 475 00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:19,759 Well, gramps, I wouldn't wanna take you on a hayride. 476 00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:22,338 Did you say gramps? 477 00:32:22,507 --> 00:32:25,442 You actually said gramps. Give me one of those rackets. 478 00:32:26,945 --> 00:32:28,913 I'll beat you two out three. 479 00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:31,674 Come on. We'll get over there and we'll- 480 00:32:31,849 --> 00:32:33,715 Don't sit there, help a man up. 481 00:32:42,961 --> 00:32:47,125 What happened? What's going on? Who is that—? 482 00:32:50,301 --> 00:32:51,894 Stanley, is something wrong? 483 00:32:52,070 --> 00:32:53,560 You smashed my nose. 484 00:32:54,038 --> 00:32:56,302 Oh, I'm sorry. 485 00:32:56,474 --> 00:32:58,135 I'm not used to sleeping with people. 486 00:33:02,747 --> 00:33:04,909 - Stanley? - What? 487 00:33:05,083 --> 00:33:06,608 Was -7? 488 00:33:06,784 --> 00:33:08,548 You know, all right? 489 00:33:09,153 --> 00:33:10,416 Sweetheart, don't you remember? 490 00:33:12,123 --> 00:33:14,854 You passed out with the Dramamines. 491 00:33:16,561 --> 00:33:18,393 Well, I certainly feel refreshed. 492 00:33:19,297 --> 00:33:20,321 You do, huh? 493 00:33:20,665 --> 00:33:23,327 Yeah, I thought it was afterglow. 494 00:33:28,406 --> 00:33:29,567 Wanna try again, honey? 495 00:33:29,741 --> 00:33:32,176 No, I don't think so, sweetheart. 496 00:33:32,343 --> 00:33:34,937 My nose hurts too much. 497 00:33:35,279 --> 00:33:36,610 Joyce? 498 00:33:39,650 --> 00:33:41,584 Why is your toothbrush in the water glass? 499 00:33:41,753 --> 00:33:44,051 That's where I keep it. My whole family does that. 500 00:33:51,029 --> 00:33:53,464 Stanley. You've a little bald spot. 501 00:33:53,631 --> 00:33:55,292 I never noticed that before. 502 00:34:07,111 --> 00:34:08,636 -So? - Well, I just checked. 503 00:34:08,813 --> 00:34:10,178 Your friend is still in your cabin. 504 00:34:10,348 --> 00:34:12,942 - Then she's okay? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Quiet as a mouse. 505 00:34:13,117 --> 00:34:14,585 As a matter of fact, she's reading. 506 00:34:14,986 --> 00:34:17,182 - Reading? - The book's called: 507 00:34:17,355 --> 00:34:19,722 Dolly Drake, Barnyard Nurse. 508 00:34:19,891 --> 00:34:21,985 She's having a swell time. 509 00:34:22,160 --> 00:34:23,628 Where did you find her? 510 00:34:23,928 --> 00:34:25,726 Well, she sells plants in a nursery. 511 00:34:25,897 --> 00:34:28,628 I went in there one day to buy a new saxifraga sarmentosa. 512 00:34:28,800 --> 00:34:31,326 Wound up going to dinner with her three nights in a row. 513 00:34:31,536 --> 00:34:33,163 She digs me. 514 00:34:33,538 --> 00:34:34,664 Yeah, I know. 515 00:34:34,839 --> 00:34:36,534 She said you're the first guy she went with 516 00:34:36,707 --> 00:34:38,937 who didn't beat her up and then steal her car. 517 00:34:39,110 --> 00:34:40,600 Yeah. Hey. 518 00:34:40,778 --> 00:34:42,769 Gopher, I'm gonna offer you a choice. 519 00:34:42,947 --> 00:34:44,779 Like what? 520 00:34:44,949 --> 00:34:47,281 Walking the plank or hanging from a yardarm? 521 00:34:47,452 --> 00:34:51,787 No. Between my giving your girlfriend to the captain as a stowaway 522 00:34:51,956 --> 00:34:55,153 and my giving her to the captain as a dinner guest. 523 00:34:56,828 --> 00:34:59,354 - I don't get it. - Are you willing to help me coach her 524 00:34:59,530 --> 00:35:00,861 80 we can pass her off as something 525 00:35:01,032 --> 00:35:03,194 besides your under dressed lady friend? 526 00:35:03,367 --> 00:35:05,631 Well, yeah. But you really think you can bring that off? 527 00:35:05,803 --> 00:35:08,033 I'll have her letter-perfect. She'll be beautiful. 528 00:35:08,206 --> 00:35:11,836 She'll charm him. He'll love her and I'll just have my whole career on the line. 529 00:35:26,891 --> 00:35:29,360 - Do you think he saw me? - What is it with you and Stubing? 530 00:35:29,527 --> 00:35:32,224 - Oh, it's nothing. - Nothing? You almost fainted. 531 00:35:32,396 --> 00:35:34,922 - You know him, don't you? - I'm not gonna tell you, all right? 532 00:35:35,099 --> 00:35:36,965 All right, don't get so feisty. 533 00:35:37,135 --> 00:35:40,196 Well, I need some time to get things together. I'll see you later. 534 00:35:40,371 --> 00:35:41,896 Julie? 535 00:35:42,607 --> 00:35:44,405 You're terrific. 536 00:35:44,575 --> 00:35:46,043 Gopher. 537 00:35:46,210 --> 00:35:48,702 Years from now when we speak of this, 538 00:35:48,880 --> 00:35:54,182 and we will speak of this, just remember, she's your stowaway. 539 00:35:57,188 --> 00:35:58,781 It's really very simple, Mrs. Richards. 540 00:35:58,956 --> 00:36:00,549 Just don't eat everything they offer you. 541 00:36:00,725 --> 00:36:03,888 Attention, please, we shall begin with— 542 00:36:04,061 --> 00:36:07,861 Leon or a, I'm so glad you decided to come. 543 00:36:08,032 --> 00:36:11,400 Oh, you know I could never resist playing doctor with you. 544 00:36:11,836 --> 00:36:14,396 I was beginning to think you'd stood me up. 545 00:36:14,572 --> 00:36:16,734 I had to wait till Emie was asleep. 546 00:36:16,908 --> 00:36:18,808 I'll be with you right after this patient. 547 00:36:18,976 --> 00:36:21,104 Oh, no, you won't. 548 00:36:21,279 --> 00:36:24,374 I'll take two aspirin and call you in the morning. 549 00:36:26,584 --> 00:36:28,018 Attention, please? 550 00:36:28,186 --> 00:36:31,281 The second sitting for lunch is now being served. 551 00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:43,399 They're still alive. 552 00:36:43,568 --> 00:36:45,696 Can't stand it. 553 00:36:51,742 --> 00:36:54,643 Are you sure the book said to eat so many? 554 00:37:01,419 --> 00:37:03,353 Come in. 555 00:37:07,925 --> 00:37:10,895 Captain Stubing, I did it. 556 00:37:11,062 --> 00:37:12,996 - What's her name? - I found her. 557 00:37:13,164 --> 00:37:14,222 Her name? 558 00:37:14,398 --> 00:37:15,888 You remember what that is? 559 00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:18,968 Mine is Merrill Stubing, yours very nearly was mud. 560 00:37:20,037 --> 00:37:21,232 Her name. 561 00:37:21,405 --> 00:37:24,568 Isn't that silly? It's right on the tip of my tongue. 562 00:37:24,742 --> 00:37:27,404 - Frankly, Miss McCoy— - Frankie. 563 00:37:28,546 --> 00:37:29,809 Frankie? 564 00:37:30,181 --> 00:37:32,775 Her name. Frankie. Roosevelt. 565 00:37:34,018 --> 00:37:38,148 - Frankie Roosevelt? - It's short for Frances. 566 00:37:38,322 --> 00:37:41,292 Is she any relation to the Roosevelts? 567 00:37:41,459 --> 00:37:44,019 Of course, she could be. 568 00:37:44,195 --> 00:37:45,890 It's fascinating. 569 00:37:46,063 --> 00:37:47,121 Now, there is one thing. 570 00:37:47,298 --> 00:37:48,959 - Yeah? - When I spoke with her, 571 00:37:49,133 --> 00:37:51,397 she said she was very pleased to be invited to your table. 572 00:37:51,569 --> 00:37:53,901 - Yes? - She said really enjoyed meeting you. 573 00:37:54,071 --> 00:37:56,597 - Yeah? - She has to stay in her cabin tonight. 574 00:37:56,774 --> 00:37:59,368 - Why? - Why? 575 00:37:59,543 --> 00:38:00,840 She's finishing a novel. 576 00:38:01,012 --> 00:38:02,946 - She's a writer? - No, more of a reader. 577 00:38:03,114 --> 00:38:05,776 - A literary critic? - Something along those lines. 578 00:38:05,950 --> 00:38:09,648 She said she'd be very happy to have dinner with you tomorrow night. 579 00:38:09,820 --> 00:38:12,687 Well, that's what she said. I can only tell you what she said. 580 00:38:12,857 --> 00:38:15,292 Well, all right. 581 00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:16,893 Well done, Miss McCoy. 582 00:38:17,061 --> 00:38:18,859 Thank you, sir. 583 00:38:20,798 --> 00:38:22,994 She enjoyed meeting me. 584 00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:28,397 Hi. 585 00:38:28,572 --> 00:38:29,733 Mind if I join you? 586 00:38:29,907 --> 00:38:32,308 Oh, Morris, of course— Isaac, please. 587 00:38:32,476 --> 00:38:35,446 For Morris, my best friend, three of whatever he's drinking. 588 00:38:35,613 --> 00:38:37,911 - Tonic water, right? - Yes. Thank you. 589 00:38:38,082 --> 00:38:40,244 Well, what are we celebrating? 590 00:38:40,418 --> 00:38:43,046 Well, we're celebrating my second honeymoon, of course. 591 00:38:43,220 --> 00:38:45,382 Well, I know what you're thinking. 592 00:38:45,556 --> 00:38:48,924 You're thinking but this is a honeymoon celebration, 593 00:38:49,093 --> 00:38:51,323 where's the happy bride? 594 00:38:52,296 --> 00:38:55,596 Where is the happy little bride? 595 00:38:55,766 --> 00:38:58,326 Easy, easy. What happened? 596 00:38:58,502 --> 00:39:00,436 You and Leon or a have a fight? 597 00:39:00,604 --> 00:39:03,539 Oh, how are you gonna fight with somebody who's never there? 598 00:39:03,708 --> 00:39:07,235 Morris, I mean, every time I turn my back, she disappears. 599 00:39:07,411 --> 00:39:12,906 But when I find her, she's with that doctor. 600 00:39:13,084 --> 00:39:15,416 Oh, come on, Emie, he's an old friend. 601 00:39:15,586 --> 00:39:16,610 Not that old. 602 00:39:18,289 --> 00:39:19,916 I'm sorry, I didn't mean— 603 00:39:20,091 --> 00:39:21,786 It's all right. 604 00:39:21,959 --> 00:39:23,688 I am that old. 605 00:39:24,562 --> 00:39:26,929 You know, I really can't blame her. 606 00:39:27,098 --> 00:39:30,193 She just wants what every woman wants. 607 00:39:31,102 --> 00:39:32,968 Free medical advice. 608 00:39:34,338 --> 00:39:36,204 A baby. 609 00:39:38,109 --> 00:39:41,238 We've been trying for long time. 610 00:39:41,812 --> 00:39:45,612 And you think that she and the doctor would— 611 00:39:46,417 --> 00:39:48,385 I'm shocked at you, Emote. 612 00:39:48,552 --> 00:39:51,351 Don't you know by now that doctors don't bring babies. 613 00:39:51,522 --> 00:39:53,684 Tell her that. 614 00:39:54,725 --> 00:39:56,716 Morris, I want that baby. 615 00:39:56,894 --> 00:40:00,159 I want that baby. 616 00:40:00,331 --> 00:40:04,768 Emie, you're not gonna get that baby by sitting around a bar. 617 00:40:04,935 --> 00:40:07,666 Well, I tried sitting around my cabin and that didn't work, 618 00:40:07,838 --> 00:40:10,933 maybe I'll try sitting around somebody else's cabin. 619 00:40:11,108 --> 00:40:12,598 Emie... 620 00:40:14,512 --> 00:40:16,071 ...let me tell you a story. 621 00:40:16,247 --> 00:40:18,215 Once upon a time, I knew a young man 622 00:40:18,382 --> 00:40:19,941 who was a great deal like you. 623 00:40:20,117 --> 00:40:23,917 Morris, if this story is about you, just say it, okay? 624 00:40:24,622 --> 00:40:28,252 Actually, you're a lot smarter than I was. 625 00:40:28,559 --> 00:40:32,826 But like you, I was very jealous of my darling wife, Naomi. 626 00:40:32,997 --> 00:40:36,331 I thought she was untrue to me so I left her. 627 00:40:36,500 --> 00:40:39,333 I spent a week in Hackensack. 628 00:40:39,937 --> 00:40:41,268 Hackensack. 629 00:40:42,306 --> 00:40:44,274 It was the worst week of my whole life. 630 00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:48,276 And then a mutual friend proved to me that I was wrong. 631 00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:50,437 Well, you can imagine how I felt. 632 00:40:50,614 --> 00:40:53,515 I rush back to tell Naomi how sorry I was. 633 00:40:53,684 --> 00:40:55,948 And how much I loved her. 634 00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:57,212 And you know what happened? 635 00:40:57,388 --> 00:40:59,482 She took you back? 636 00:40:59,657 --> 00:41:03,389 She wasn't there. She'd run off with a hosiery salesman 637 00:41:03,561 --> 00:41:07,122 and was leg-modeling in Cincinnati. 638 00:41:07,798 --> 00:41:10,165 What the hell kind of a story is that? 639 00:41:10,334 --> 00:41:13,395 Emie, I'm telling you, 640 00:41:14,438 --> 00:41:17,066 if you believe a lie, 641 00:41:17,241 --> 00:41:19,869 somebody will make that lie come true. 642 00:41:27,518 --> 00:41:31,819 Forgive me, Naomi, but we gotta help the young people. 643 00:41:46,470 --> 00:41:49,963 Stanley, as much as I'm enjoying playing cards right now, 644 00:41:50,140 --> 00:41:53,770 I can't help thinking there must be something else we could be doing. 645 00:41:53,944 --> 00:41:55,070 Well... 646 00:41:55,246 --> 00:41:57,578 Yes, you're absolutely right. 647 00:41:57,748 --> 00:41:59,773 I'm sorry about last night. 648 00:41:59,950 --> 00:42:01,384 So am I. 649 00:42:01,552 --> 00:42:02,986 And this morning. 650 00:42:03,153 --> 00:42:05,019 So am I. 651 00:42:12,696 --> 00:42:13,720 Joyce? 652 00:42:13,898 --> 00:42:15,297 Stanley. 653 00:42:15,466 --> 00:42:16,661 Joyce. 654 00:42:16,834 --> 00:42:18,666 What, Stanley, what? 655 00:42:18,836 --> 00:42:20,861 I think we have a problem here. 656 00:42:21,038 --> 00:42:22,528 We do? 657 00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:26,738 As near as I can tell, I think I'm about to throw up. 658 00:42:28,312 --> 00:42:29,438 You hate me. 659 00:42:29,613 --> 00:42:32,412 No, no, no, Joyce, it's not you. 660 00:42:32,583 --> 00:42:34,711 It's all those oysters. 661 00:42:36,020 --> 00:42:37,954 They didn't die. 662 00:42:40,124 --> 00:42:42,821 Boy, Ma, you were right. 663 00:42:42,993 --> 00:42:46,588 Saving myself for marriage was definitely worth it. 664 00:42:48,832 --> 00:42:50,664 Gophy, do I have to? 665 00:42:50,834 --> 00:42:52,359 Do you want me to go to jail? 666 00:42:52,536 --> 00:42:54,698 - You want Julie to be fired? - No. 667 00:42:54,872 --> 00:42:56,397 Okay, you guys. 668 00:42:56,574 --> 00:42:58,736 Now, come on, Cleo, we'll start from the beginning. 669 00:42:58,909 --> 00:43:01,401 I'll bring you into the dining room, you'll be wearing my dress, 670 00:43:01,579 --> 00:43:03,547 you'll look great, I'll bring you up to the table. 671 00:43:03,714 --> 00:43:07,116 Captain Stubing, may I present Frankie Roosevelt. 672 00:43:07,284 --> 00:43:09,582 A pleasure, my dear. 673 00:43:10,554 --> 00:43:12,044 Waiter. 674 00:43:15,025 --> 00:43:16,857 How about some ribs? 675 00:43:20,297 --> 00:43:23,824 How nice it is to be asked to sit at your table. 676 00:43:24,001 --> 00:43:26,163 Thank you. I would like to sit down. 677 00:43:26,337 --> 00:43:28,931 Thank you, I would like to drink. 678 00:43:29,106 --> 00:43:33,304 No, you're supposed to wait until he asks you those things. 679 00:43:33,677 --> 00:43:37,113 The name Frankie Roosevelt sounds very familiar to me. 680 00:43:37,414 --> 00:43:40,941 Frankie Roosevelt was the president of the United States. 681 00:43:41,452 --> 00:43:42,783 She was? 682 00:43:43,821 --> 00:43:45,880 Okay. Let's start from the beginning. 683 00:43:46,056 --> 00:43:48,115 What happens if I forget what I'm supposed to say? 684 00:43:48,292 --> 00:43:49,987 Don't worry, you'll be fine. 685 00:43:50,160 --> 00:43:51,855 Oh, yeah, fine. 686 00:43:52,029 --> 00:43:55,795 Just as long as somebody brings up Dolly Drake, Barnyard Bombshell. 687 00:43:55,966 --> 00:43:57,559 Barnyard Nurse. 688 00:44:01,071 --> 00:44:05,338 Good morning. Our arrival at Puerto Vallarta is in one hour. 689 00:44:09,947 --> 00:44:11,346 Joyce? 690 00:44:11,515 --> 00:44:13,950 You did it again. 691 00:44:14,852 --> 00:44:16,616 God. 692 00:44:22,660 --> 00:44:24,059 Boy. 693 00:44:24,228 --> 00:44:26,595 You know, I don't know if this marriage is gonna work out. 694 00:44:27,364 --> 00:44:30,664 My mother was right. She said not to trust love at first sight. 695 00:44:30,834 --> 00:44:33,235 She said you were probably an incipient beast. 696 00:44:34,271 --> 00:44:36,433 Well, it takes one to know one. 697 00:44:36,607 --> 00:44:38,041 Let's not start on families. 698 00:44:38,208 --> 00:44:39,869 You don't even know my family. 699 00:44:40,044 --> 00:44:41,705 That's right. It's not fair to judge people 700 00:44:41,879 --> 00:44:44,439 just because they wore matching bowling shirts to a wedding. 701 00:44:45,416 --> 00:44:48,875 At least my mother had the good taste not to boo during the ceremony. 702 00:44:49,987 --> 00:44:52,046 You apologize to me. 703 00:44:52,222 --> 00:44:53,781 No. 704 00:44:54,458 --> 00:44:56,586 You're stubborn. 705 00:44:56,827 --> 00:44:58,727 I didn't know you were stubborn, Joyce. 706 00:44:58,896 --> 00:45:01,092 You're a hysterical person. I didn't know that either. 707 00:45:01,265 --> 00:45:03,893 - There's a lot you don't know about me. - I know all about you. 708 00:45:04,068 --> 00:45:06,730 You're moody. You're finicky. You're insensitive. You yell. 709 00:45:06,904 --> 00:45:09,965 You got bad habits. You got bad taste. You look crummy in the morning. 710 00:45:11,308 --> 00:45:12,366 You think the way you look, 711 00:45:12,543 --> 00:45:14,272 you're gonna make anybody forget Paul Newman? 712 00:45:14,445 --> 00:45:16,277 Maybe not. Maybe not. 713 00:45:16,447 --> 00:45:19,314 But it's a lot better than making them remember Quasimodo. 714 00:45:22,152 --> 00:45:27,989 Even though you just compared me to the hunchback of Notre Dame, 715 00:45:28,158 --> 00:45:30,627 I am not gonna get mad, Stanley. 716 00:45:30,794 --> 00:45:33,024 Because I am trying very hard to remember 717 00:45:33,197 --> 00:45:36,599 that these are not the words of a rational man. 718 00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:40,334 - Don't we have anything in common? - Yes, as a matter of fact, we do. 719 00:45:40,504 --> 00:45:42,905 We can't stand each other. 720 00:45:46,143 --> 00:45:48,635 I thought I loved you, Stanley. 721 00:45:48,812 --> 00:45:51,304 I thought I loved you too, Joyce. 722 00:45:51,482 --> 00:45:53,610 - You want a divorce? - We don't need one. 723 00:45:53,784 --> 00:45:56,151 All we need is an annulment. 724 00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:58,152 Okay, fine, terrific. 725 00:45:58,322 --> 00:46:01,292 Maybe the captain could grant one at sea. 726 00:46:06,196 --> 00:46:08,790 I'm gonna be honest with you, Stanley. 727 00:46:08,966 --> 00:46:10,934 That's about all we have left. 728 00:46:11,101 --> 00:46:13,331 So it's worth a try, isn't it? 729 00:46:13,504 --> 00:46:15,233 I don't know. 730 00:46:15,639 --> 00:46:17,573 Well, I do. 731 00:46:18,742 --> 00:46:21,336 These last two days have been the worst of my life. 732 00:46:21,512 --> 00:46:23,844 I was scared out of my mind. 733 00:46:24,348 --> 00:46:25,975 I took the Dramamines on purpose 734 00:46:26,150 --> 00:46:29,313 80 we wouldn't have to do anything that night. 735 00:46:32,589 --> 00:46:34,216 You did? 736 00:46:34,992 --> 00:46:36,585 Did you bash me on the nose on purpose? 737 00:46:36,760 --> 00:46:39,024 No, that was an accident. 738 00:46:39,196 --> 00:46:41,187 I was glad. 739 00:46:42,399 --> 00:46:43,924 Were you glad the oysters made me sick? 740 00:46:44,101 --> 00:46:45,125 Yes. 741 00:46:45,803 --> 00:46:47,567 I'm a terrible person, aren't 1? 742 00:46:48,839 --> 00:46:50,500 No. 743 00:46:51,208 --> 00:46:52,676 You're not so terrible. 744 00:46:54,111 --> 00:46:55,806 To tell you the truth, 745 00:46:56,880 --> 00:47:00,077 I was so happy that you passed out, I couldn't see straight. 746 00:47:01,185 --> 00:47:04,314 And I was glad that you smashed me on the nose. 747 00:47:06,323 --> 00:47:08,690 And I didn't really get sick on the oysters. 748 00:47:09,459 --> 00:47:10,984 You faked it'? 749 00:47:11,161 --> 00:47:12,720 Yes. 750 00:47:12,896 --> 00:47:14,728 You're a terrible person. 751 00:47:19,236 --> 00:47:20,795 Yeah. 752 00:47:23,941 --> 00:47:25,670 You wanna start all over again? 753 00:47:27,377 --> 00:47:29,243 Blind leading the blind? 754 00:47:30,547 --> 00:47:31,844 What the hell. 755 00:47:32,015 --> 00:47:33,540 We must have learned something. 756 00:47:49,199 --> 00:47:50,826 Boy. 757 00:47:51,368 --> 00:47:53,928 We started off with kissing. 758 00:47:54,304 --> 00:47:56,170 What's the difference? 759 00:47:56,340 --> 00:47:58,206 That was kissing. 760 00:47:58,375 --> 00:48:01,675 This is kissing. 761 00:48:09,786 --> 00:48:11,515 This is Captain Stubing. 762 00:48:11,688 --> 00:48:14,988 We hope you enjoyed your visit ashore in Puerto Vallarta. 763 00:48:15,158 --> 00:48:19,618 Our departure is on schedule and we are homeward-bound. 764 00:48:46,723 --> 00:48:48,418 - Enjoying yourselves? - Thank you. 765 00:48:48,592 --> 00:48:50,856 Nice to see you. Nice to see you. 766 00:48:57,734 --> 00:49:00,931 Well, honey, very intimate. 767 00:49:02,372 --> 00:49:03,931 Thank you. 768 00:49:27,397 --> 00:49:30,560 Miss McCoy, this is a pleasure. 769 00:49:31,768 --> 00:49:34,066 The mystery lady from the promenade deck. 770 00:49:34,237 --> 00:49:35,705 I'm from Chicago. 771 00:49:38,875 --> 00:49:42,573 Ladies and gentlemen, may I present Miss Frances Roosevelt. 772 00:49:42,746 --> 00:49:47,013 The Griswalds, the Potters, the Rosenheimers. 773 00:49:47,417 --> 00:49:49,078 Won't you sit down? 774 00:49:49,252 --> 00:49:50,413 Thank you. 775 00:49:50,587 --> 00:49:53,716 Would you like a drink before dinner? Thank you. 776 00:49:54,691 --> 00:49:55,715 Oh, may I? 777 00:49:56,626 --> 00:49:58,594 Thank you. 778 00:50:14,411 --> 00:50:15,901 How do you think it's going? 779 00:50:16,079 --> 00:50:17,171 Pretty good. 780 00:50:17,347 --> 00:50:21,716 He seems to have the same weakness you do for intellectual women. 781 00:50:24,588 --> 00:50:27,057 Oh, I'm sure you're asked this constantly 782 00:50:27,224 --> 00:50:29,625 but are you any relation— 783 00:50:29,793 --> 00:50:31,784 - To who? - The Roosevelts. 784 00:50:31,962 --> 00:50:33,657 No. 785 00:50:34,231 --> 00:50:35,995 Oh, were you married to Roosevelt? 786 00:50:36,166 --> 00:50:37,827 No. 787 00:50:38,001 --> 00:50:40,095 How did you get the name Roosevelt? 788 00:50:40,270 --> 00:50:42,102 I don't know. 789 00:50:42,506 --> 00:50:43,905 I see. 790 00:50:44,708 --> 00:50:47,871 Would you care to discuss a book? 791 00:50:48,545 --> 00:50:52,345 With you, I will discuss anything. 792 00:50:57,354 --> 00:50:59,288 What do you suppose she's telling him? 793 00:50:59,456 --> 00:51:02,915 Oh, they're probably discussing farm subsidies. 794 00:51:04,661 --> 00:51:07,289 It's after that when dobbin gets sick. 795 00:51:07,464 --> 00:51:10,866 He's a nice old horse and Dolly Drake loves him very much. 796 00:51:11,034 --> 00:51:13,594 He used to ride him when she was a little girl. 797 00:51:13,770 --> 00:51:16,535 But he's been rewarded for being such a good horse. 798 00:51:16,706 --> 00:51:20,233 And now he's living with his wife in the barn. 799 00:51:22,212 --> 00:51:24,010 That's a pity. 800 00:51:24,915 --> 00:51:27,009 A bam. 801 00:51:28,018 --> 00:51:29,486 You know something, 802 00:51:29,653 --> 00:51:32,918 there's nothing more beautiful than the full moon at sea. 803 00:51:33,090 --> 00:51:35,320 Oh, yeah. 804 00:51:35,492 --> 00:51:37,927 It's so romantic. 805 00:51:38,095 --> 00:51:41,588 You know, I absolutely lose all control of myself. 806 00:51:41,765 --> 00:51:47,169 Do you realize that the moon is over 15 billion years old? 807 00:51:47,337 --> 00:51:49,965 I think that's part of its charm. 808 00:51:50,273 --> 00:51:52,401 Its age? 809 00:51:53,610 --> 00:51:58,138 Well, you certainly don't have to be 15 billion years old to be charming. 810 00:51:58,315 --> 00:52:01,683 You don't have to be sweet 16 either. 811 00:52:03,253 --> 00:52:05,415 What's that supposed to mean? 812 00:52:05,589 --> 00:52:08,820 Well, it means there's a grace that comes to a person 813 00:52:08,992 --> 00:52:11,757 when she reaches a certain age. 814 00:52:13,630 --> 00:52:16,622 Well, speak for yourself, charlie. 815 00:52:19,970 --> 00:52:25,204 Mae, Mae, you're a lovely vital woman. It makes me sad 816 00:52:25,375 --> 00:52:28,868 to see you cover up your God-given good looks with that 817 00:52:29,045 --> 00:52:31,673 phony-looking wig and that gooey makeup. 818 00:52:31,848 --> 00:52:34,374 Getting old is nothing to be afraid of. 819 00:52:36,186 --> 00:52:39,178 What makes you think I'm afraid of anything? 820 00:52:39,356 --> 00:52:40,824 I'm just— 821 00:52:41,124 --> 00:52:43,559 I'm just young at heart, that's all. 822 00:52:43,727 --> 00:52:46,560 What's so bad about being old at heart? 823 00:52:47,097 --> 00:52:52,627 Look, you may enjoy going around with one foot in the grave, but I don't. 824 00:52:56,106 --> 00:52:58,200 Mae, I'll tell you a little secret. 825 00:52:58,375 --> 00:53:00,434 I took this trip 826 00:53:00,610 --> 00:53:02,169 because my time has come. 827 00:53:02,345 --> 00:53:03,904 I want it to happen at sea. 828 00:53:06,316 --> 00:53:07,841 What? 829 00:53:08,084 --> 00:53:11,679 You see, if it happened in the city where it's so crowded these days, 830 00:53:11,855 --> 00:53:15,917 you could possibly get into some sort of holding pattern. 831 00:53:16,092 --> 00:53:17,719 But not here. 832 00:53:17,894 --> 00:53:21,296 Maybe my soul will make it in one straight shot. 833 00:53:21,698 --> 00:53:25,066 Hey, what are you talking about anyway? 834 00:53:25,535 --> 00:53:27,333 You don't just 835 00:53:27,938 --> 00:53:28,962 die. 836 00:53:29,139 --> 00:53:32,769 Honey, don't get me wrong. I love life. 837 00:53:32,943 --> 00:53:36,902 But when a person dies, he's making room for someone else to be born. 838 00:53:37,280 --> 00:53:39,977 That's the miracle of life, renewing itself. 839 00:53:40,250 --> 00:53:43,618 Old souls getting recycled into new ones. 840 00:53:44,120 --> 00:53:46,612 Recycled? 841 00:53:47,958 --> 00:53:50,017 Oh, boy. 842 00:53:50,994 --> 00:53:56,592 You're looking at one soul that has no intention of being 843 00:53:56,766 --> 00:53:59,667 biodegradable. 844 00:54:00,203 --> 00:54:03,070 If you wanna stand out here like a nut, 845 00:54:03,406 --> 00:54:06,671 chart your course into the twilight zone, go ahead, 846 00:54:06,843 --> 00:54:09,403 but don't expect me to hang around and watch. 847 00:54:09,579 --> 00:54:10,842 Mae, Mae— 848 00:54:11,014 --> 00:54:17,750 And don't expect me to wait around and give you a farewell toast either. 849 00:54:17,921 --> 00:54:21,084 I save my thoughts for the living. 850 00:54:22,192 --> 00:54:23,523 Where are you going? 851 00:54:24,461 --> 00:54:27,487 To dance my socks off. 852 00:54:32,002 --> 00:54:34,767 So Dolly cures dobbin's broken leg. 853 00:54:34,938 --> 00:54:38,033 And Farmer Windier gives the little boy the job of taking care 854 00:54:38,208 --> 00:54:40,836 of the puppies until they're all grown-up. 855 00:54:41,444 --> 00:54:42,502 Wonderful. 856 00:54:42,679 --> 00:54:43,703 Wonderful. 857 00:54:43,880 --> 00:54:46,872 Honey, you're about the cutest thing I ever saw. 858 00:54:47,050 --> 00:54:50,611 Grown-up men in sailor suits are so manly I can't stand it. 859 00:54:50,787 --> 00:54:52,346 Oh, thank you. 860 00:54:52,522 --> 00:54:56,891 You happen to be a terribly attractive female. 861 00:54:58,028 --> 00:55:05,230 Tell me, if I were to send a magnum of champagne to your cabin, 862 00:55:05,568 --> 00:55:06,865 where would I send it? 863 00:55:07,304 --> 00:55:10,501 The cabin is number D6, I memorized it. 864 00:55:10,674 --> 00:55:13,974 D6 ? No, you don't mean D6. 865 00:55:14,144 --> 00:55:16,704 You must mean C6, B6. 866 00:55:16,880 --> 00:55:18,871 No, DS is the crew's quarters. 867 00:55:19,049 --> 00:55:20,676 No, it's D6. 868 00:55:24,354 --> 00:55:27,517 You'll still send the champagne, won't you? 869 00:55:29,526 --> 00:55:32,154 I hate to speak too soon but I think we did it. 870 00:55:33,530 --> 00:55:35,157 We did it. 871 00:55:41,871 --> 00:55:43,896 And what to my wondering eye 872 00:55:44,074 --> 00:55:48,341 should appear but former Navy gunnery mate, Burl Smith. 873 00:55:48,511 --> 00:55:50,878 Also known as Rodent. 874 00:55:51,047 --> 00:55:52,515 Gopher, sir. 875 00:55:52,682 --> 00:55:56,084 Why did this young lady tell me this was her cabin? 876 00:55:56,820 --> 00:55:59,084 Miss Roosevelt dropped down to have a drink with me 877 00:55:59,255 --> 00:56:00,916 and Gopher invited us in here. 878 00:56:01,091 --> 00:56:02,183 Right here into his cabin, 879 00:56:02,359 --> 00:56:04,691 we were just having a little Kahlua on the rocks. 880 00:56:04,861 --> 00:56:06,795 Before Frankie has to go back up to her own cabin, 881 00:56:06,963 --> 00:56:08,453 would you care to join us? 882 00:56:11,267 --> 00:56:15,261 Did you pay to be a passenger on this ship? 883 00:56:15,905 --> 00:56:18,533 No, I just got on. 884 00:56:23,747 --> 00:56:27,149 Gopher, as they say, the boat has sailed. 885 00:56:28,852 --> 00:56:32,482 - Captain, the truth is— - Captain, the truth is, 886 00:56:33,289 --> 00:56:36,020 Miss Roosevelt, Frankie, 887 00:56:36,192 --> 00:56:39,287 is actually Cleo Bagby and she's with me. 888 00:56:39,796 --> 00:56:44,495 And you will all be with me in my cabin at 1100 hours tomorrow. 889 00:56:44,667 --> 00:56:45,793 - Yes, sir. 890 00:56:45,969 --> 00:56:47,095 - Mr. Smith. - Sir? 891 00:56:47,270 --> 00:56:50,433 Our last encounter, I thought, was without precedence. 892 00:56:50,607 --> 00:56:53,076 Now this? How ignominious 893 00:56:53,243 --> 00:56:57,612 that both of you should sacrifice your careers for a stowaway. 894 00:56:59,916 --> 00:57:01,111 Will you tell me now? 895 00:57:01,284 --> 00:57:04,379 What is it with you and Captain Stubing? 896 00:57:05,221 --> 00:57:07,155 I sank his yacht. 897 00:57:07,590 --> 00:57:08,785 You what? 898 00:57:08,958 --> 00:57:12,826 Well, I was a Navy gunnery mate. We were on maneuvers. 899 00:57:12,996 --> 00:57:15,795 It was not my fault. Stubing's yacht was not supposed to be there. 900 00:57:15,965 --> 00:57:17,899 You shot a gun and sank it? 901 00:57:18,067 --> 00:57:19,466 - That's right. - A big gun? 902 00:57:19,636 --> 00:57:22,936 Oh, big gun. Cannon. 903 00:57:25,542 --> 00:57:27,101 The Navy cleared me. 904 00:57:27,510 --> 00:57:32,004 But Stubing, he said he'd nail me if it took the rest of his life. 905 00:57:32,649 --> 00:57:34,208 I think he has. 906 00:57:55,004 --> 00:57:57,336 - Hi. -Oh, hi. 907 00:57:58,508 --> 00:58:01,000 Did you people notice that Morris Beakman 908 00:58:01,177 --> 00:58:03,202 was not at breakfast this morning? 909 00:58:04,747 --> 00:58:08,411 And do you know that he refuses to come out of his cabin? 910 00:58:09,652 --> 00:58:13,316 I know. I looked in on him. Just a little while ago. 911 00:58:13,490 --> 00:58:16,425 Did he say anything about the farewell dinner tonight? 912 00:58:16,860 --> 00:58:19,261 Yeah, he said he wasn't gonna be around for it 913 00:58:19,429 --> 00:58:22,023 but, I mean, I thought it was a joke. Where can he go? 914 00:58:22,365 --> 00:58:26,199 Oh, if you knew why he came on this cruise, 915 00:58:26,369 --> 00:58:28,064 you wouldn't ask. 916 00:58:28,238 --> 00:58:30,468 Somebody has to go and talk to him. 917 00:58:30,640 --> 00:58:31,698 Well, why don't you? 918 00:58:32,375 --> 00:58:35,106 You know, you made quite an impression on him. 919 00:58:35,411 --> 00:58:36,879 Me? 920 00:58:38,114 --> 00:58:42,711 Morris told Emie that he could really fall for you. 921 00:58:43,052 --> 00:58:47,250 If only you were a little older. 922 00:58:48,358 --> 00:58:49,382 Did he really? 923 00:58:50,827 --> 00:58:53,159 Well, I never— 924 00:59:41,878 --> 00:59:45,508 Well, here they are now. 925 00:59:46,149 --> 00:59:48,311 Burl Smith, mad gunner. 926 00:59:48,484 --> 00:59:51,146 Frankie Roosevelt, child critic. 927 00:59:51,321 --> 00:59:53,756 Julie McCoy, secret agent. 928 00:59:53,923 --> 00:59:56,893 Dolly Drake, Barnyard Nurse. 929 00:59:57,060 --> 01:00:00,155 - I beg your pardon. - That's the book. 930 01:00:00,330 --> 01:00:02,059 Thank you, darling. 931 01:00:03,866 --> 01:00:06,699 You will take care of Miss Bagby's passage, I trust? 932 01:00:06,869 --> 01:00:10,328 - Oh, yes, sir. Absolutely, sir. - Good. Now, Mr. Smith. 933 01:00:10,506 --> 01:00:12,406 I have some unfinished business with you. 934 01:00:12,575 --> 01:00:14,475 Your yacht wasn't supposed to be there. 935 01:00:14,644 --> 01:00:16,544 Do you mind? 936 01:00:19,382 --> 01:00:21,646 As I was going to say— 937 01:00:24,020 --> 01:00:27,149 My yacht was not supposed to be there. 938 01:00:29,125 --> 01:00:32,117 - Sire - Please accept my apologies 939 01:00:32,295 --> 01:00:35,856 for having said I would hound you to the ends of the Earth. 940 01:00:36,032 --> 01:00:38,194 Oh, sure, heck, no sweat, sir. 941 01:00:40,770 --> 01:00:42,238 Now, 942 01:00:42,405 --> 01:00:47,866 I have given this matter a great deal of thought. 943 01:00:48,044 --> 01:00:51,503 We have two malefactors and a stolen passage. 944 01:00:51,681 --> 01:00:53,649 The passage will be paid for. 945 01:00:53,816 --> 01:00:57,719 But what about the malefactors? 946 01:00:59,288 --> 01:01:02,849 They are two otherwise exemplary sailors 947 01:01:03,026 --> 01:01:05,825 whose involvement in this crime was accidental. 948 01:01:08,097 --> 01:01:09,326 You might even say 949 01:01:09,499 --> 01:01:13,060 their temporary commander was an accidental accessory. 950 01:01:13,236 --> 01:01:17,571 Since he insisted on having the said stowaway at his table. 951 01:01:18,074 --> 01:01:24,741 So since tomorrow will be the last day we share together and see each other, 952 01:01:25,114 --> 01:01:31,247 and since the passage will be paid for, and since this is the happiest 953 01:01:31,421 --> 01:01:34,618 and best-run ship on which I have ever sailed. 954 01:01:38,027 --> 01:01:40,257 With the exception of my yacht. 955 01:01:42,598 --> 01:01:45,829 And because I would not have missed the story 956 01:01:46,002 --> 01:01:49,370 of Dolly Drake, Barnyard Nurse for anything. 957 01:01:52,208 --> 01:01:55,405 I suggest you all leave before I change my mind 958 01:01:55,578 --> 01:01:58,138 and regret not placing you in irons. 959 01:02:28,578 --> 01:02:30,342 Who's that? 960 01:02:32,381 --> 01:02:34,349 I said who's—7? 961 01:02:47,997 --> 01:02:51,331 Morris, you gotta come to the farewell party. 962 01:02:51,667 --> 01:02:55,763 You'll be the only person there anywhere near my age. 963 01:02:55,938 --> 01:03:00,876 Mae, oh, Mae. Come in. Come in. 964 01:03:01,577 --> 01:03:04,672 Well, let me look at you. 965 01:03:04,847 --> 01:03:06,042 What's to look at? 966 01:03:06,215 --> 01:03:08,616 You seen one old lady, you've seen them all. 967 01:03:09,051 --> 01:03:13,284 Mae, I don't know when I've seen anyone more beautiful. 968 01:03:14,323 --> 01:03:16,314 There's a lot more where that came from. 969 01:03:16,492 --> 01:03:21,225 I got matronly grace I haven't even begun to tap. 970 01:03:22,131 --> 01:03:24,964 I want to remember you like this, always. 971 01:03:25,134 --> 01:03:26,727 Hey. 972 01:03:26,903 --> 01:03:30,567 Hey, you talk like I was leaving you or something. 973 01:03:30,740 --> 01:03:34,472 You play your cards right, you may never be able to get rid of me. 974 01:03:34,644 --> 01:03:38,137 Hey, come on. Come on, now. Get dressed and come to the party. 975 01:03:38,314 --> 01:03:40,749 Honey, it's the best offer I've had in years 976 01:03:40,917 --> 01:03:44,251 but no, thank you. 977 01:03:44,420 --> 01:03:46,115 Well, why? 978 01:03:46,289 --> 01:03:47,518 Hey. 979 01:03:47,690 --> 01:03:50,091 Hey, you haven't got another date, have you? 980 01:03:50,259 --> 01:03:54,162 Well, to tell you the truth, dear, I'm depressed. 981 01:03:54,330 --> 01:03:57,356 You see, I thought this cruise might be my last happy memory 982 01:03:57,533 --> 01:04:00,195 but here it is, the last night. 983 01:04:00,369 --> 01:04:01,495 And nothing. 984 01:04:01,838 --> 01:04:05,604 Well, life is full of disappointments. 985 01:04:05,775 --> 01:04:06,936 You're telling me. 986 01:04:07,243 --> 01:04:10,804 We just have to learn to live with them, that's all. 987 01:04:13,983 --> 01:04:18,113 Look, are you just gonna sit there and stare at me all night 988 01:04:18,287 --> 01:04:20,278 or are you gonna come to the party? 989 01:04:20,456 --> 01:04:22,447 Of course I'll come to the party. 990 01:04:22,625 --> 01:04:27,290 I never could say no to a beautiful lady. |- See— 991 01:04:27,463 --> 01:04:28,555 Morris? 992 01:04:29,398 --> 01:04:31,594 - Are you okay? - Oh, it's fine, fine. 993 01:04:31,767 --> 01:04:32,893 Honey, I'm all right. 994 01:04:33,069 --> 01:04:37,028 It's just I got up too quickly. You know how it is with us old coots. 995 01:04:37,406 --> 01:04:40,341 Come on, I'm fine. Come on. Get that worried look off your face. 996 01:04:40,509 --> 01:04:44,207 I'm fine, you run along and I'll join you for dinner. 997 01:04:45,047 --> 01:04:46,708 And, Mae. 998 01:04:51,087 --> 01:04:52,577 Goodbye. 999 01:04:52,755 --> 01:04:54,086 And thank you. 1000 01:04:55,324 --> 01:04:58,658 Hey, what do you mean goodbye? 1001 01:04:59,262 --> 01:05:01,924 We've just begun to say hello. 1002 01:06:02,358 --> 01:06:03,723 All right. 1003 01:06:03,893 --> 01:06:05,486 Where is she? 1004 01:06:05,728 --> 01:06:07,696 She said she was gonna be here 15 minutes ago. 1005 01:06:07,863 --> 01:06:10,230 Oh, take it easy, Emie. 1006 01:06:10,399 --> 01:06:15,303 Morris isn't here either. They'll probably both show up together. 1007 01:06:15,471 --> 01:06:18,031 She said she forgot her stole. 1008 01:06:18,207 --> 01:06:20,642 How long does it take a woman to get into a fur? 1009 01:06:21,043 --> 01:06:24,809 It takes most of us the best years of our lives. 1010 01:06:25,848 --> 01:06:28,215 Oh, here she is. Here she is. 1011 01:06:28,384 --> 01:06:31,649 Oh, I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry I'm late. 1012 01:06:31,821 --> 01:06:33,152 Where's your stole? 1013 01:06:33,990 --> 01:06:36,322 Oh, I guess I left it in Dr. Bricker's office. 1014 01:06:36,492 --> 01:06:37,721 You got a sick fox? 1015 01:06:38,694 --> 01:06:41,356 I must have forgotten it in all the excitement. 1016 01:06:41,530 --> 01:06:42,554 Look, 1017 01:06:42,732 --> 01:06:45,030 if he laid one hand on you— 1018 01:06:45,201 --> 01:06:48,796 - One hand. - Emie... 1019 01:06:49,238 --> 01:06:55,905 That is no way for an expectant father to behave. 1020 01:06:58,047 --> 01:07:02,780 - And if—? You mean, you and I? - Emote, we're pregnant. 1021 01:07:03,419 --> 01:07:04,716 How did that happen? 1022 01:07:05,021 --> 01:07:07,581 No wonder it took so long. 1023 01:07:07,757 --> 01:07:10,852 Oh, congratulations, kids. 1024 01:07:11,027 --> 01:07:13,018 Oh, that's terrific. 1025 01:07:13,195 --> 01:07:14,924 Did you just find out about it'? 1026 01:07:15,097 --> 01:07:16,531 Just a few minutes ago. 1027 01:07:16,699 --> 01:07:19,999 Adam has been running some tests to see what the trouble was 1028 01:07:20,169 --> 01:07:25,539 but before we could finish, bingo, it was like magic or something. 1029 01:07:25,708 --> 01:07:27,642 We're pregnant. 1030 01:07:27,977 --> 01:07:33,916 It's the miracle of life renewing itself, just like Morris said. 1031 01:07:35,117 --> 01:07:36,949 Morris? 1032 01:07:38,354 --> 01:07:39,879 Hey, Mr. Beakman? 1033 01:07:40,056 --> 01:07:42,286 Wait till he hears the good news. 1034 01:07:42,458 --> 01:07:44,358 Emie, go get him, he must be in his room. 1035 01:07:44,527 --> 01:07:48,157 - In his cabin. - First, you'll have a little bit of this. 1036 01:07:51,367 --> 01:07:54,530 - And I'll go get him. - Sit down, Emie. 1037 01:08:03,779 --> 01:08:07,272 Morris won't be coming to dinner tonight, will he, doc? 1038 01:08:08,651 --> 01:08:11,382 Not tonight or ever? 1039 01:08:12,788 --> 01:08:14,256 I'm very sorry. 1040 01:08:17,760 --> 01:08:19,660 What are you talking about? 1041 01:08:23,299 --> 01:08:25,529 Oh, no. 1042 01:08:26,702 --> 01:08:28,295 Oh, no. 1043 01:08:28,471 --> 01:08:29,870 Oh, Emie. 1044 01:08:31,874 --> 01:08:34,138 That nice old man. 1045 01:08:35,010 --> 01:08:37,001 I'm very sorry. 1046 01:08:43,119 --> 01:08:46,714 We don't have any cause to be sad. 1047 01:08:46,889 --> 01:08:50,018 This is just what he wanted. 1048 01:08:51,994 --> 01:08:54,656 To Morris Beakman. 1049 01:09:03,439 --> 01:09:05,237 And to life. 1050 01:09:32,168 --> 01:09:35,035 Isn't it a beautiful day? 1051 01:09:35,204 --> 01:09:36,569 Daylight. 1052 01:09:36,739 --> 01:09:39,037 I'd forgotten what it looked like. 1053 01:09:39,208 --> 01:09:41,336 Let's go straight home. 1054 01:09:42,578 --> 01:09:44,672 Can't I go to work first? 1055 01:09:44,847 --> 01:09:45,939 All right. 1056 01:09:46,115 --> 01:09:48,447 Then come right home, okay? 1057 01:09:49,385 --> 01:09:51,046 Come on. 1058 01:09:52,188 --> 01:09:55,158 If it's a boy, we're gonna name him Morris Adam. 1059 01:09:55,324 --> 01:09:56,348 Thanks. 1060 01:09:56,525 --> 01:09:59,051 - And if it's a girl— - Ernestine Morris a. 1061 01:09:59,562 --> 01:10:01,394 Mr. Beakman would have liked that. 1062 01:10:01,564 --> 01:10:04,363 It's definitely gonna be a boy. 1063 01:10:04,533 --> 01:10:06,194 How can you be so sure? 1064 01:10:06,368 --> 01:10:10,134 I got it straight from an old soul. 1065 01:10:11,340 --> 01:10:12,774 - So long, doc. - So long, Mae. 1066 01:10:12,942 --> 01:10:15,274 Bye-bye. Take care. 1067 01:10:15,444 --> 01:10:16,934 Bye. 1068 01:10:25,421 --> 01:10:26,911 See you tonight, Gopher, honey. 1069 01:10:27,089 --> 01:10:28,523 Yeah. 1070 01:10:29,358 --> 01:10:31,349 I love you. 1071 01:10:35,598 --> 01:10:39,796 Well, in spite of everything, the ship is once again in safe harbor. 1072 01:10:39,969 --> 01:10:42,233 Well, we always manage to muddle through, sir. 1073 01:10:42,404 --> 01:10:45,499 You know, four days ago, I never thought I'd hear myself saying this: 1074 01:10:45,674 --> 01:10:47,164 But I'm going to miss you, sir. 1075 01:10:47,509 --> 01:10:49,409 You think you'll never see me again, don't you? 1076 01:10:49,578 --> 01:10:51,910 Well, I'd hate to never see you again. 1077 01:10:52,081 --> 01:10:53,139 That's nice. 1078 01:10:53,315 --> 01:10:57,343 In that case, I have some information that should make you very happy. 1079 01:10:57,519 --> 01:11:00,978 I have been given permanent command of this ship. 1080 01:11:03,392 --> 01:11:05,793 Permanent command of the Princess? 1081 01:11:06,328 --> 01:11:08,956 - Forever? - Until I retire or you sink it. 1082 01:11:09,131 --> 01:11:10,189 Whichever comes first. 1083 01:11:12,568 --> 01:11:14,798 Well, I guess congratulations are in order, sir. 1084 01:11:14,970 --> 01:11:16,665 Thank you, doctor, thank you. 1085 01:11:16,839 --> 01:11:18,933 From me too on your new job, 1086 01:11:19,108 --> 01:11:21,406 and on getting command of a terrific ship, 1087 01:11:21,577 --> 01:11:22,976 and a terrific crew. 1088 01:11:23,312 --> 01:11:25,178 Well, I think we're pretty good now. 1089 01:11:25,347 --> 01:11:26,644 In spite of my reputation, 1090 01:11:26,815 --> 01:11:30,046 you will find that I am the easiest man in the world to work for. 1091 01:11:33,055 --> 01:11:35,683 All I demand is perfection. 1092 01:11:39,928 --> 01:11:41,657 Well, what time does the mutiny begin? 1093 01:11:41,830 --> 01:11:44,561 - You wouldn't. - We would. 80296

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