All language subtitles for The Love Boat (Pilot 2 1977)

This is the last call for

all visitors to go ashore.

Follow that boat!

Thanks for watching!

Roger, would you go away?

We're not supposed to be seen together.

Believe.

We're going to Mexico together.

Roger, I've changed my mind.

This is a large ship, and I think we should, uh, travel separately.

All right, believe.

If that's the way you want it.

But there is one place where we might bump into each other.

Where?

In our cabin.

Believe.

I think I'm having hot flashes.

I can't breathe.

Mother, why don't you take off that mink?

It's 90 degrees in here.

I don't know why you brought that.

I wasn't going to leave $4 ,000 back home in the closet.

I don't know why you talked me into this tour.

Everybody's so young.

You're going to have a wonderful time.

It says so in the brochure.

I don't believe everything you read.

Mother, it is...

Smell that air.

It's filled with the aroma of eligible men.

How can you tell?

It's instant.

I have a nose for men.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Do you work here?

I sure do.

I'm your cruise director, Sandy Summers.

I'm in charge of fun and games.

Oh, you're just the one I was looking for.

I'm Donna Marley, and this is my sister, Linda.

Hello, beautiful.

Right now.

Oh, thanks.

I needed that.

What an unpleasant surprise.

Yes, I know you'd be glad to see me.

Bye.

Wow, how do I get your job?

Is he part of fun or games?

Well, let me see.

He does like to play around.

Is he your old man?

No, he's my tax man.

Well, you must file some return.

The Captain's We're at the clear of the breakwater now,

and the course from the Sea Boys 141 degrees.

The coastal weather abort gives us clear visibility and slight seas.

Fine.

Thank you, Mr.

Crichton.

Well, Tom, it sounds like our cue to go below.

No, no, there's no rush.

Why don't you and Angela stick around?

Old Navy men like you ought to learn how modern kept us navigating.

Fact is, Tom,

these things are so computerized they can take themselves to Acapulco.

Who needs you?

Well, the passengers, they have a sense of security, you see,

knowing that there's someone up here that can go down with the ship.

Oh.

Oh.

Mmm.

Sandy Summers?

I'm Dr.

Jim Berkeley with the Psychologist's Seminar Group.

Uh, we've got a mix -up in our cabin assignments.

Oh, there always is.

Well, you see, they've put Dr.

Livingston in 428.

Now, that's a small inside cabin, and he's claustrophobic.

Oh, dear.

Well, let's get him out of there.

Dr.

Anderson is alone in the large cabin.

Would he be happy there?

Oh, he'd be ecstatic.

Dr.

Anderson's a lady.

Moving right along.

Oh, here's something.

Gopher.

Yes.

Gopher, would you please transfer Dr.

Livingston from 428 to 261?

OK, Sandy.

Thanks.

Thank you.

So Dr.

Livingston, I presume?

No.

And you're lucky.

He said he'd budge out the next guy who said that.

Mm.

All right, Chief, engineer.

Please call 376.

Hi, Sandy.

Hi, Amy.

What do you think, Sandy, huh?

If my aunt bombs, they can throw the tomatoes at her.

He looks just like you.

I told him to take my best sarge, but they insist that I face the camera.

Hey, shouldn't you be getting your act together?

I shouldn't be here at all.

I thought the love vote was more telling Reno.

I mean, what do I know from old shins?

I was brought up in cement.

I even get seasick in a jacuzzi.

If that's not part of your act, it should be.

You like it, Don?

It's in.

And I'm out.

So long, folks.

Come on, sweetheart.

We've got a show to do.

You can zip me up.

You think anybody saw us come in?

Only the passengers and the crew.

What's the difference?

Thank you.

Shall we unpack?

No.

I'll do it later.

Oh, look, they even give us music.

How romantic.

Oh, Roger, not now, OK?

Not now?

What have we come here for?

I know, but I'm just not used to this kind of thing.

And I'm a respectable wife and mother,

and I'm not supposed to be running off with my tennis pro for two weeks of

hanky -panky.

Oh, Elaine, this isn't hanky -panky.

This is a very special relationship.

You've had special relationships with over half the women of the club.

But this is different.

This is emotions, feelings, the kind of a thing that- It's hanky -panky, Roger.

Or at least it will be if I ever work up the nerve.

Well, we might as well be honest about this.

Well, that's pretty honest.

Well, Stephen says I'm too honest.

I embarrass him sometimes.

Can't we leave your husband out of this?

How can we?

If it weren't for him, we wouldn't be in this.

What do you mean you can't find my wife?

Look, I radioed from the water taxi.

I'm sorry, Mr.

Palmer.

I checked.

There's no Elaine Palmer on the passenger list.

Did you check all the Palmer's?

You're the only one.

Do you check all the Elaine's?

Look, I mean, I know she's here.

She left me a note.

You left him a note?

Well, I didn't name any names.

I just said I was getting on a boat with another man.

He won't even read it till he gets home next week.

Did Stephen leave you a note when he went flying off to New York to see his

little redhead?

Well, he didn't have to.

I took him to the airport.

I didn't know about the little redhead then.

And Stephen's always flying to New York.

You never suspected he was fooling around?

Why should I?

He never fools around at home.

I mean, he's not home very much.

Stephen is very successful.

I never suspected anything until I found that tacky letter.

Dear Stephen, your little redhead is so lonesome for her big old poo bear.

Poo bear?

Are you sure she's old enough to have an affair?

I'm very sure.

It took her three pages to describe what she was going to do to her old poo

bear when he got to New York.

Roger, I never heard of half those things.

It doesn't make any difference.

I'll explain them all to you.

Elaine, honey, it's just like tennis.

You have to relax.

Maybe if I had a racket in my hand?

What's the problem?

It just all happened so fast.

I only heard about the other girl yesterday and...

I just didn't even know what to do.

I wasn't even angry at first.

I was just hurt.

Elaine.

Then I got depressed.

I mean, suicide depressed.

But then I had to go pick up the kids from school and one had football practice

and I had a tennis lesson and I didn't have time for suicide.

That's when I got angry.

I mean, Stephen had plenty of time for his little redhead,

but I didn't have time to kill myself.

That's when I called the travel agent and he told me about this cruise.

Elaine, we're on the cruise.

Are we going to talk all the way to Mexico?

Roger, you have to understand one thing.

When I asked you to come with me, I wasn't thinking about sex.

Well, what were you thinking about?

Revenge.

I just wanted to get back at Stephen.

For ten years, it's been nobody but Stephen.

Lately, it's been nobody.

I mean, I...

I try very hard not to think about sex.

You don't think anything about it?

I don't know what I think.

It's been so long, I'm afraid the styles have changed.

Nothing's changed, Elaine.

It's still great.

Couldn't we at least wait until dark?

But unless we know what name your wife is using, Mr.

Palmer, I'm afraid that we can't find her just like that.

I didn't get to the top by saying can't.

All right, sir.

Uh, sure, I'm afraid not.

You see, the PA system just goes into the public rooms.

Only the music goes into the cabin.

How far away is music?

Well, it's right there, sir.

But, uh, sir, passengers are not supposed to go...

Well, occasionally we make an exception.

Are you ready, Roger?

You bet I'm ready, Elaine.

Thank you.

Roger, you're supposed to be getting dressed for dinner.

That's two hours from now.

I wonder what we could possibly do till then.

Before dinner?

It's an appetizer.

Believe me, you'll never go back to shrimp cocktail.

Elaine...

We'll take it nice and easy, one step at a time.

Come here.

I'd like to kiss you, but my lips don't go that high.

Attention, please.

Passenger Elaine Palmer, please report to the radio room immediately.

Elaine Palmer.

Somebody knows.

Don't be silly.

Who could know?

God?

Don't you think God would have a deeper voice?

Somebody just called my name.

It's a coincidence.

Another Elaine Palmer.

There's another Elaine Palmer.

I want to meet her.

Stephen?

Elaine.

My, don't we look nice?

I've arranged for us to have a private little drink.

What are you doing here?

We have a lot to talk about.

Will the cruise director please call 459?

Cruise director, call 459.

459, please.

Do you know what it's like to come home and find nothing left of your entire

family but a note?

Dear Stephen, the kids are with my mother.

I'm with another man.

But I didn't say where.

I mean, how did you find me?

You said boat.

There are only two sailing today.

This one and a banana boat to Guatemala.

Lord, Elaine, how could you do this to me?

I haven't done this to you, Stephen.

You're never around long enough for me to do anything.

That's your excuse?

I mean, I'm never home, so you got to find other men.

I haven't found other men.

You mean this is the first lover you've had?

I haven't even had this lover.

Didn't you have it?

No.

The only thing I'm guilty of is getting on the ship with him.

I thought I knew you.

I don't know you at all.

How could you?

You have to be with a person to know them.

People who really know each other sometimes even sleep together.

Okay, okay.

In the same bed.

At the same time.

All right, look.

I'm always in our bed alone.

Well, you think I want it that way?

That's my job, and I gotta be away from home.

Yeah, I know you're very important.

One day at home from your advertising agency and bang, no more America.

Don't I give you everything you need?

I don't need a house with five bathrooms.

Nobody needs more bathrooms in their home than they have a doctor.

Wait a minute.

You mean that's why I come home to an empty house because you've got five

bathrooms?

That is not the point.

You're a lunatic.

You know what you got?

You got a little case, a housewife loose,

and now I find myself on a boat to Mexico.

And before I forget who's this guy you're with.

I don't like being stabbed in the back by my friends.

Is that one of my friends?

You're too busy to have friends, Stephen.

That's what I thought.

Little redheads, perhaps.

But not friends.

Little redheads.

Maybe the name big old poo bear rings a bell?

I thought it might.

According to little old redhead, big old poo bear just rings every bell.

You read the letter.

I found it yesterday.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Well, all I could think of was two can play at his game.

I'm sorry.

Or three.

Or however many it takes.

Oh, now wait a minute.

What I did was wrong and I'm sorry about it,

but that's no reason for you to do the same thing.

Well, can you give me a better reason?

Sure, I can give you a reason.

You don't have a reason.

You're a wife, Elaine.

You're a mother.

You're a woman.

Women don't fool around.

Well, then precisely, who are you men supposed to be?

I've had a long day and I've got to make arrangements yet to get us off of this

ship in the morning.

Us?

What makes you think us is getting off this ship?

All right, all right.

You've made your little point.

Now you're going to go back to Beverly Hills where you belong,

and the discussion is over.

What about the redhead?

I asked you a question, Stephen.

Is it over?

Elaine, the discussion's over.

No, it's not, Stephen.

Hasn't even started.

Well, were they paging you?

No.

They wanted it different to Elaine Palmer.

I thought so.

I'm dressed for dinner.

Roger.

We're going to be very late for dinner.

Thank you.

Hello?

Well, this is a surprise.

Thought you'd be sleeping late.

Both of you.

I've been looking for you.

Oh, yeah?

Why?

Don't tell me opening night was a flop.

A leading man couldn't handle the park.

What do you want to hear?

Well, truth.

How was last night?

It was incredible.

Oh.

How do you feel?

Go ahead.

Rub it in.

Rub it in.

I want to know how you feel.

Do you feel anything like I did when I read that letter?

Do you feel anything at all?

You taking a survey?

Okay.

I feel a lot of things.

I feel hurt.

I feel jealous.

Mostly I feel like throwing up.

That's exactly how I felt about the minute.

That's terrific.

Now you can go back to him.

I don't want to go back to him.

Well, to whom then?

To you.

I realized last night I was acting like an idiot.

The only person I ever wanted was you.

I love you, Stephen.

I don't love our marriage very much right now, but I do love you.

I just wanted you to know that before you go.

go.

I assume you've made plans to go.

Yeah.

Water taxis picking me up offense and on the charter flight to L .A.

Oh that's why you're successful you you know how to arrange things.

What about New York you stay there longer and you thought about those

arrangements.

Thought about much of anything so.

I guess it's better if we don't see each other for a while.

We don't see each other now.

You know what I mean.

Yeah I guess so.

Well what do we do shake hands.

Don't want to embarrass you with any unwanted affection.

had a real good time.

If you could find me.

William Brin, the man who came up with this girl, Miss fledgling,

the man who came up with this girl, is also a greatugger.

Dennis, anyone?

Here we go.

The name of the game is Jack Top Bingo.

Does everyone have a card?

Yes!

Okay, now you all know how to win the game.

Five across, down, or diagonal.

Yell bingo and yell it loud.

Okay, you want to practice?

Come on, everyone.

Bingo!

And we have a room full of winners today, Zendy.

I guess we do.

Any questions?

Yes.

Will you marry me?

Not now, Ralph.

I'm busy.

Is that a definite no or a maybe?

N31.

You know, when you were going with Jerry, it was always not now, Ralph.

I'm occupied.

N32.

And then when you broke up with Jerry, it was always not now, Ralph.

I'm preoccupied.

G53.

But now you're just kind of busy.

Does that mean I have a chance?

063.

Ralph, do you want me to leave my job?

I can't talk now.

Well, I can, and I love you.

Nobody cares, Ralph.

Yes, they do.

The whole world loves lovers.

What's your name, honey?

Alice Newkirk.

Alice Newkirk.

Don't you think Sandy should marry me?

Well, if she won't, honey, I will.

There you go.

See?

All right.

And you better move fast, or Alice is going to get me.

Ralph, don't press your luck.

Luck, what luck?

I never had any luck with you.

And you know why?

Because you never took the time to get to know me.

But we're on this ship for 10 days, and my luck's going to change.

G52.

G52.

That's me.

Bingo.

I got it.

See?

My luck is changing already.

No, it's not.

Gopher, would you call the next game, please?

And check Mr.

Manning's card.

Ralph, would you follow me, please?

Anywhere, Sandy.

Anywhere.

Okay, Chris, if you want to check that card,

we'll be moving right along ladies and germs before jackpot bingo,

and the game we're going to play now is a little thing we call the layer kick.

That's one line across the top.

Dave, a couple of piña coladas, please.

Come on, right up, sir.

You said I never took the time to get to know you.

Do you want to know why?

Why?

Because I didn't want to be just another notch on your bedpost.

Oh, I know why you're chasing after me, because I'm the girl you didn't get.

Sandy, I admit I...

I used to chase around a little.

A little?

I think you were just the busiest little bee in the hive.

I think you pollinated every flower in Southern California.

I don't know.

I think I missed a daisy or two.

Thanks, David.

But that's all over now.

Really.

I am totally reformed.

Honest.

Sandy, I really mean it.

I believe you mean it when I see you do it.

Now, listen.

There is a lot of very nice merchandise on this ship if I was in the market,

but I'm not.

Browsing.

We're just browsing.

Mirror, mirror on the wall.

Couldn't you lie a little?

Oh, Pat, look.

What?

Pat.

All I see is gorgeous.

You're looking at you.

That wasn't there this morning.

Mom, that just means that you've laughed and you've loved.

Those are furrows of experience.

It's okay on Cary Grant, but I don't feel so experienced.

Look at me.

They used to call me Skinny.

I'm a size 14 tent.

Oh, no.

Just a pup tent.

Are you really a 14?

Well, it's cheap.

Well, it's expensive.

I'm a 12.

Well, they would call you skinny again if you'd stop eating.

Oh, Pat, don't start on me.

If you'd had the same shock I had, you'd be eating too.

Mom, not every woman goes on a bakery binge just because she loses her husband.

Lose him?

I didn't lose him.

He was stolen right from under me.

Pat, don't ever trust a man over 52,

especially if he's got a secretary who's had her front reorganized.

Mom, it's true.

I gave your father the best years of my life,

and he gave her the best minutes of his lunch hour.

That was last year.

This is this year.

You're gonna go out and meet new people and forget him.

Forget him?

I'm not enlightened like you.

He was my whole life.

And then he walked out and left me holding nothing but an alimony check.

That's no fun to take a shower with.

Mom.

There are lots of men on this ship.

I hate this ribbon.

So do I.

Now, you're going to go out, you're going to dust off your sex appeal,

and you're going to attract one.

Pat, a man who's my age doesn't want a woman my age.

He wants a woman your age.

Mileage has nothing to do with it.

What's inside that counts?

Maybe I should exercise more.

More?

Maybe you should exercise period.

You know, you had your choice, Mom.

This cruise or a two -week jogging marathon.

I don't know where you get your ideas, Pat.

Who would want to spend $500 a week to run around a funny underwear?

Besides, I just want to meet new people.

I don't want to get a car in there.

Get dressed.

We're going to be late for dinner.

I am dressed.

Don't you ever wear anything but blue jeans.

I bet you get the label embossed on your bottom.

Passengers having the second sitting for dinner are requested to proceed to the

dining room located on the coral deck.

All passengers, the second sitting, you may now proceed to the dining room.

So scallops and cream, delicious.

I could have eaten a boatload.

I think you did.

I must get this recipe from the chef.

Mother, do your wasteland a favor.

Don't spoil the port.

Well, Donna, there's no action here.

Why don't we hit one of the bars?

I'm going to the bars.

You're going to put on your bunny feet, pajamas, and go beddy -bye.

Let me go with you.

No.

I promise I won't be in the way.

No.

Oh, what a drag.

I wish I was a bear.

Then I could sleep through my puberty.

Drink your milk.

You know, Pat, I don't understand you.

With all the girls in here, dressed for romance.

Why are you dressed for a weenie, Rook?

Lord, don't sit down.

Why does it say wet paint?

Look, I just can't believe it.

No, no, look.

OK, I won't look.

All right, then look, but don't look like you're looking.

Mother, how can I see if you won't let me look?

All right, don't look, but you may see somebody.

Mother, you're acting crazy.

What are they doing?

What is who doing?

The distinguished man who's sitting with the captain and that long,

elegant drink of water draped all over him.

Well, what's he doing?

He's nibbling her ear alone.

Oh.

Gotcha.

Mother, they're not even looking at you.

What is the panic?

I know him.

Oh, boy, do I know him.

Free.

Let's go say hello.

I'd rather jump overboard.

Let's just get out of here.

Oh.

Mother, would you slow down?

No.

Come on.

Come on.

Mother, will you slow down a minute?

Mother, come on.

Come on.

I want you to sit down.

Come on.

Mother, mother, mother, here, stop.

Sit down.

Now, we are all alone,

and I'm gonna take it very slowly and make it very easy on you.

Who was he?

His name is Robert Grant.

Great, now you're rolling.

Okay, when was the last time you saw him?

22 years ago.

We were in Long Beach, remember?

How could I forget?

I was three.

It was the year I found out I wasn't a boy.

You were in nursery school.

He was in the Navy.

I was collecting for the March of Dimes and his destroyer was in my block.

Whenever you get the first time I met him.

He booked $20 in my collection box.

Then he asked me to lunch.

So, you had lunch with him?

Lots of lunches.

Long lunches.

How long is long?

One lasted a week.

Remember that time when your aunt Sylvia was so sick?

She wasn't that sick.

So, you had an affair.

Shh, not so loud.

Sir, we're alone.

Besides, you and Pop are divorced already.

They cannot get you for retroactive fooling around.

That was the only time I was ever unfaithful to your father.

Which is more than I can say for him.

Mom, were you in love with Robert Grant?

Oh, yes.

Of course.

What'd you think, I wanted a free lunch?

We were so close.

Six, incredible, secret months.

It's just so wonderful being together.

You know, you're very lucky.

Some women live their whole lives and never know a love like that.

I never told anyone about this.

I didn't share it with dear Abby.

You know what?

I would love to meet him.

Why don't you invite him up for a drink?

No.

Too many calories have gone under the bridge.

I'd like him to remember me just the way I was.

Oh, I give up.

Okay, I'm gonna call you with nothing.

Oh, Mark, you're marty.

Look at that.

Come in, ladies.

Come in quick.

Maybe you can change my luck.

Hi, Sandy, here you go.

Hello, girls.

You want my right or my left?

Being captain has its advantages, you see.

Glad to see you remembered the pass line.

That's more than I can say for you.

Well, it's a mental thing.

As soon as I got out of the Navy, I blocked on everything military.

Well, I don't know about that.

You're still pretty big with 24 -hour passes.

It's cruel, Isaac.

Cruel.

Incredibly accurate, but cruel.

Here, deal.

Five -card draw.

Jack's a better open.

Amy, you are looking at the commander and crew of the USS Chadway.

These guys all served together.

Aw, you're putting me on.

That's what I said.

Well,

we all made a promise while we were ducking our till we often hang over there

that we'd all sail together in peaceful water some day.

Aw, and here it is, some day.

That's nice.

Meet yeoman first -class Burl Smith.

Gopher.

That's Gopher.

That's Chief Petty Officer Isaac Washington.

Yo.

And this is Lieutenant Dr.

Adam Bricker.

Open wide and say, uh...

Lady, you really changed my luck.

It got worse.

Hi, ma 'am.

Good.

I got two jacks, so that means I rake in the stacks.

All right, Sandy, you deal.

Sandy, we didn't expect to see you here tonight.

We thought you might be carousing in the crow's nest.

Gopher, have you been spreading idle gossip again?

Nothing idle about it.

He's been bopping around, telling everybody.

Gopher.

Well, Sandy, the guy proposed to you in the middle of a bingo game.

I mean, N -32, will you marry me?

That's not very top secret.

Who proposed to you?

His name is Ralph Manning.

He's a CBA from Seattle, and he makes six digits a year.

Thank you, Lieutenant Bradstreet.

What do we know about this dude?

I mean, how long has he been hanging around?

Two years.

He's the friend of my ex -friend.

Hey, now, wait a minute, Sandy.

Now, I say, cool it.

I mean, you just bailed...

out of one bad scene why get yourself into another look I say dump him before

he breaks your heart oh wait a minute wait a minute just because this guy is

coming like to Sandy doesn't mean she's gonna marry him how do you know that he

chased her on the ship he's been chasing her for two years I say Al Dumbo what

do you say go for well I think she ought to grab him she's not getting any

younger knock it off you guys all put in your two cents I'd like to say

something I wish you would Sandy you want to get married I think that's

terrific we'll all be bridesmaids but right now here tonight I came to play

poker now shut up and deal yeah for crying out loud will you shut up and deal

yeah shut up All passengers,

your attention please.

The Pacific Princess arrives in Puerto Vallarta at 12 noon.

The gangway exit will be located on the port side of Fiesta Deck.

Linda, you're tailgating me again.

I'm sorry I didn't see your brake lights go on.

I was looking at something much more interesting.

What do you mean, a box?

You mean gopher?

Yeah.

What a swell name.

And dig those threads.

Boy, I go all limp when I see a uniform like that.

Well unlimp yourself, you little vamp, and stick to somebody your own size.

He's my size.

Now how do I get him?

Are you serious?

Sure, I'm serious.

Last night I sat behind him in the movies.

He was so cute.

Every time Bullguard kissed Bacall, his ears wiggled.

Now, tell me, what's the first thing I do to make him notice me?

Well, the first thing is we gotta split up.

Why?

Because guys don't like girls who travel in packs.

It makes them nervous.

Two's a pack?

A dense crowd.

Now, you do your thing, and I'll do mine.

Just don't you do yours out of my sight.

Okay.

I'll do mine right over there by the bar.

Okay.

Donna, what is my thing?

Huh?

Never mind.

Two over easy.

Thank you, Isaac.

All right.

Later, Angela.

Hi.

Hello, Pearl.

Gopher.

The name I acquired in Vietnam.

I guess it didn't make a very big impression, did I?

Munchkin, in another five years, you are going to be a knockout.

Think he'll wait that long?

I don't think so.

Neither do I.

Give me a double anything.

Sandy!

Hi, Ralph.

Sandy!

Sandy!

You've been avoiding me.

Oh, no, I'm not.

Oh, at first I was avoiding you.

Then I was ignoring you.

Now I'm just overlooking you.

Because I'm busy, Ralph.

I'm really busy.

Yeah, but, Sandy, I'm not busy.

I swear to you, I'm on the way.

Four days at sea, I haven't even looked at a girl.

I guess, Sandy, I am clean.

I don't know how the monks do it.

Aw, good boy.

What do you do now?

On my way to sing -along rehearsal.

How about an hour from now?

Uh, supervising the bridge.

All right, two hours from now.

Teaching women how to make gingham hats.

Then I gotta make sure the shuffleboarders have shuffles and the flycasters

have flies.

You must have some time off.

What do you do when you're not working?

I'm sleeping.

That's sleeping, sleeping.

With no time off for bad behavior.

I gotta go, Ralph.

Bye.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Donna Morley, and I couldn't help overhearing.

If you need someone to be alone with, I'm available.

No, I'm trying to cut down.

Donna?

Donna, huh?

Donna, how would you like to go see Puerto Vallarta with me this afternoon?

Oh, boy, would we?

We?

I'm her sister, Linda.

We're inseparable.

No, we're not.

We're very separable.

You wouldn't leave a little kid all alone in the ship now, would you?

No, of course we wouldn't do that.

As a matter of fact, we'll all go to see Puerto Vallarta.

And Donna, I'll buy you a margarita, and Linda, I'll buy you a piñata.

And we'll all meet at the Riviera deck at one o 'clock, okay?

But right now, I gotta go.

Where you going?

Take a cold shower.

I want to talk to you, huh?

One plum, two plums, and a lemon.

Sorry, my life.

I don't know why I play these things.

I never win.

Because it gets you out of the cabin.

You know, you would degrade your combat.

You just dig right in.

No, Pat.

It's in the hands of fate.

If I meet him, I meet him.

Good girl.

If he comes in that door, I'm going to get him.

That's the old fighting spirit, Mom.

You have a good time.

You too, baby.

Hey!

That's your skirt, Jack!

How do you do it?

Oh, religion.

Honest.

See, I have a St.

Christopher's, and a Mrs.

and Pocahontas.

Hey!

I did it!

I did it!

Oh, my gosh.

You got a cup of something?

Okay.

Here.

Help me.

Thank you.

My husband the rat used to tell me never to carry more money than you can

afford to lose.

He ought to know.

He had a liquor store.

Then he was robbed 13 times.

13 times?

Bob, he's not such a vicious.

That's a dead log.

I'll see you later.

Don't forget he wouldn't afford it.

Listen, Bob.

If any luck, I can have the ships logged in in about an hour.

I'll just come by your cabin if it kept.

Great, Tom.

I've heard about a dozen rumors about you.

I'd like to catch up on like that.

That whale you hooked in Hoon Soon Harbor?

That damn fish told me halfway to Japan.

Captain Ahab, I salute you.

Well, it's a big lie.

It never happened.

Oh, I'm sure.

Oh, I'm sure.

Oh, I'm sure.

Oh.

Here you go.

Are you all right, Madam?

Yes.

Here's your first.

Oh, thank you.

Excuse me.

Got it?

Yes.

Do you remember that bosun's mate, the clumsy one?

No, he was boldly.

Yes, my friend.

Yes, my friend.

He didn't recognize me.

He didn't even recognize me.

Mom, what happened?

Oh.

Oh, you won.

Hey, that's great.

Well, aren't you happy?

Yeah, I'm ecstatic.

Give me a Kleenex.

Why isn't there a Kleenex when you're falling apart?

Oh, bad.

Mom, I always knew it was a good deal.

I knew you were emotional, but I never knew you cried over jackpot.

I bumped right into him.

Him who?

Oh, him.

Cut me out of the elevator.

Well, that's great, Mom.

You don't have to hide behind deck chairs anymore.

He didn't even recognize me.

Oh, Pat, we were as close as we are right now.

And all he said was, Madam, are you all right?

Oh, Pat, maybe I should have my face lifted.

Oh, Mom, come on.

Chin's up.

You changed a little.

It's been a long time.

That's all.

But he hasn't changed.

He isn't even gray.

Well, neither are you.

What does that prove?

You both dye your hair.

Oh, Pat.

That's better.

Look at that.

Oh, well.

You know, when you smile, you have a very attractive nose.

Your father wasn't such a rat.

He gave me one hell of a daughter.

I love you, too.

You feel better now?

Except I look like a one -eyed blowfish.

No, no, I look the way I feel.

Well, listen.

You just sit here and count your winnings.

I have to talk to a man about a year dream.

Hey, you got a date?

Let's just say I'm working on it.

Smile a lot.

You got your father's smile.

Got a bit of his mustache, too.

You sure you're OK?

I must be.

I'm beginning to think of all the things I should have said.

Attic, girl.

Mirror, mirror.

Somebody must be lying.

Uh, yes?

Mr.

Grant, uh, my name is Pat McFarland.

I'd like to talk to you for a minute.

Oh, uh, uh, come in.

Mom, you've got a date with Robert Grant.

That is a rotten joke to play on your mother.

You weren't listening.

I said Robert Grant wants to see you.

I'll send him a picture.

A very old picture.

Mother, I'm not kidding.

I know.

Does his wife want to see me, too?

His very young wife?

Angela is his very young daughter.

His wife died 10 years ago.

I'm sorry.

This is it.

Come on.

I'll help you get dressed.

Did you tell him that I wanted to see him?

Mother, would I do that?

Yes.

Eva?

Yes.

It's me.

Come in.

Hey, come in.

No.

I'm in.

I'm so glad you're here.

Why didn't you come sooner?

I only found out your cabin number 20 minutes ago.

I still can't believe it.

Here we are on the same ship, and how could we have missed each other?

Let me tell you, it wasn't easy.

Well, it doesn't matter now.

You're here.

And it's wonderful seeing you again.

It's been a long time.

Seems like only yesterday.

Doesn't time fly.

That's the third cliche in a row, which entitles you to a drink.

You know, you've hardly changed at all.

Yes, I have.

I am older and wiser and, uh, little.

thicker around the middle.

Oh I bet you could still get into your new uniform.

Only the tie and socks.

The rest of it I'm going to have bronze used as a planter.

Well he's looking at you love.

He's looking at you.

Well here we are.

Here we are.

Listen to us isn't that something there was a time when you couldn't stop us

talking and now we can't seem to get started.

Oh hey I haven't even asked you to sit down.

There's a comfortable chair over here.

I am sitting down Robert.

Damn.

I thought I had you fooled.

Pat didn't tell me.

I asked her not to.

Why?

Well,

I didn't want you to come down here to see me just because you felt sorry for

me.

Rob.

I thought that's why you invited me.

Don't be silly.

Hey.

I know you're embarrassed because you think you look different.

To me, you're the same.

Don't you see, Eve?

That's all that's important.

When, uh...

I mean, how did it...

How, uh...

How did I lose my sight?

Yes.

It was a flash fire on my destroyer seven years ago.

I was lucky.

I had lost a couple of my men.

Why didn't you let me know?

Well, how was I to reach you?

And even if I did, what could I say?

Hi, Eve.

How's everything with you?

I'm blind.

Rob.

Hey.

I said no feeling sorry for me.

I'm in terrific shape.

The only thing I can't do now that I could do then is recognize old friends.

I know.

I bumped into you in the elevator earlier.

Good Lord.

Was that you?

Why didn't you say something?

Well, how did you call me mad?

I got kind of choked up.

Come here, Eve.

Let me...

Let me really see you.

Thank you.

That's better.

You always did have the softer skin.

Well, they may not be playing our song, but...

Did we have a song?

No.

I didn't think so.

I promised myself once that if we ever met again, they'd have to pry us apart.

No.

I'm gonna cry.

No, no.

Not yet.

And I don't have a clean night as usual.

Thank you.

Oh, hi.

What are you doing?

Right in the middle of inventory.

You know,

they're showing them the Bogart movie tonight after we leave Acapulco.

No kidding.

Try to guess which one.

If you want me, darling, just whistle.

You do know how to whistle, don't you?

Just pucker and blow.

You haven't had that in 1944.

Now, you'll learn, but Paul sounds more like Marie Osman, sweetheart.

Marie Osman?

Yeah, you like that?

No, I like Donnie better.

Will you see with me?

Oh, well, Linda, you know,

I have seen that movie so many times that I really don't think that's it.

Okay, forget movies.

How about ping pong?

Oh, rock and ping pong player.

Bad wrists.

Shovelboard?

Ah, weak back.

Well, okay, how about checkers?

Listen, you know what?

I'm not much of an athlete.

Oh, I got to go.

Listen, bye.

I'll see you later.

What about parachuting?

Dinner for two in the starlight?

Drinks in the casino.

Yeah, these road maps look very much like eyes.

I'm going to give it to you straight, kid.

My diagnosis is terminal lying awake all night.

Right.

Any particular reason?

I didn't know.

I was tossing and turning.

I guess I was thinking about Ralph.

Just thinking?

What a waste of good tossing and turning.

Here, put three drops an inch high and try to get eight hours' sleep.

Thanks.

What's the problem between you and Ralph?

If it's sex, tell me about it.

That's my field.

I hate to break it to you, Doc, but sex isn't everything.

First Santa Claus?

Now this?

I've got to be strong.

Anyway, I don't want to lie awake again all night,

and I'm all out of sleeping pills.

Forget the pills.

They don't help you sleep.

They help the people who manufacture them sleep.

What you need is to clear up your feelings about Ralph.

You really like the guy?

He's starting to grow on me.

Well,

why don't you do something about it besides staring at the ceiling all night?

You think so?

Well, sure.

What are you afraid of?

Yeah!

What am I afraid of?

The worst thing that can happen is you'll marry the guy.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Well, at least I cleared that up for you.

Thanks, Doc.

You're a real friend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just don't tell me.

I'll remind you of your brother.

I don't have a brother.

But if I did, I'd want him to be as cute as you.

Oh, all right.

Get out of here.

Go away, lest you're Warren Beatty.

This is an IRS tax audit.

You owe $4 ,000 on last year's return.

Talk to my accountant, the crook.

Can't do that.

He's serving five to life, or intend to commit marriage.

Well, if I gotta get up early tomorrow...

I know.

Don't tell me you gotta put bait on the hooks for the tarpon fishing

tournament.

Sandy, I gotta ask you something.

Okay.

One snores for yes, two snores is for no.

Well, I don't want you to wear out your sinuses.

I read eyes.

Come in.

Thank you.

Now...

Do I have your undivided attention?

You do, whoever you are.

I'm the man that wants you to join him in the state of holy matrimony.

Now, now, now, before you give me a couple of snores...

Sandy,

I want to give you what every woman has wanted since Anthony took Cleopatra up

the Nile.

You gonna give me a barge?

Well, I'm not gonna give you a barge.

I want to give you a townhouse in the city, three cars in the garage, a...

a...

elm trees by the door, a rose garden, an onion patch...

And a partridge in a pear tree.

Come on, Sandy, we...

we get ski in the winter, Europe in the spring, Hawaii in the summer...

Tankruptcy in the fall.

Sandy, I...

I'm...

I'm trying to propose and...

and you're breaking in your act for Las Vegas.

You're not taking me seriously.

I took your friend Jerry seriously.

But I'm not...

Jerry I'm me and I want to marry you Mary there's that word again such a heavy

commitment I mean till death do us part that awfully final I'm just not sure

I'm ready to forsake all others and cleave unto you I'm asking to cleave I'll

write the ceremony myself dearly beloved you're hitched Sandy I'm I'm offering

you security I appreciate it right now I don't know I just don't think I know

you don't think that means you're undecided you're you're not sure ah well then

fair damsel I shall continue wooing you and courting you.

I shall sing for you my song of love,

even as the dove sings sweetly to his mate.

What say you, fair maiden?

Fugg off, Ralph.

You know, you're beautiful when you're rude.

Was it something I said?

No.

It's something I took, a sleeping pill.

Ah.

Well, well, well.

Watch out, Ralph.

This could turn into a statutory dream.

Think about it, will you?

God, think about it tomorrow, Rhett.

I don't mean it, Ralph.

Oh, fiddling me, Scarlett.

Hm.

Hey, Isaac.

It's the usual.

Help.

Hey, Linda.

What are you doing?

Letting things happen.

Yeah?

Well, what's happening?

Nothing.

Me neither.

Come on.

I'll buy you a drink.

Yes.

A Faun's Fizz, please.

Say what?

A Faun's Fizz.

Don't you know what that is?

No.

Don't tell me.

Let me guess.

You take a warm bottle of beer, you shake it up,

and just as it gets ready to fall, you go, eeee.

Wrong.

One Shirley Temple coming up.

Ralph, could I talk to you, man to person?

Sure, what's on your mind?

If you were 10 years younger, would you play doctor with me?

No, you wouldn't.

I can tell.

See, that's my problem.

Neither would anyone else.

Here you go, sexy.

Not on time.

Ralph, what is it that appeals to you about a girl?

I mean, I know I haven't got it, but if I could get it, what would it be?

Lindy, you've already got the most important thing, honesty.

All that other stuff is window dressing.

That's the part I want to know about.

Well, why don't you ask Donna?

She doesn't do windows.

Uh -huh.

All right, I'll tell you what.

You go to the beauty parlor tomorrow, and you get yourself the works.

Well, consider it a present from your Uncle Ralph.

You're not my Uncle Ralph.

Besides, my mom says never to take you up some strange men.

What?

Me, strange, the man who gave you a glorious,

fun -filled day in Puerto Vallarta,

and who also gave you the very last sip of his guacamole milkshake?

Huh?

OK, thanks, Ralph.

Huh?

Uncle Ralph.

You're welcome.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Linda, what did you do?

I just got my hair done for the dance tonight.

Cost a fortune.

They must have charged by the inch.

Well, they did just what I told them to.

Don't you like it?

And what have you got on your eyes?

Eyelashes.

They're supposed to make me look like Liza Minnelli.

Oh, they make you look like Spiderwoman.

I tried so hard.

Now, Gopher's never going to look at me like that.

Don't look at me.

It's okay.

Come on.

I'll take care of you.

Just leave everything to your fairy god -sister.

Okay?

Yeah.

Good.

Hi, golfer.

Mm -mm -mm -mm -mm.

Hey, Munchkin, look at you with your bad stuff.

Better watch out or some Hollywood producer's going to ask you to audition.

Well, what do you think, Alfred?

Do I look different?

Older?

You look nice.

Look closer.

Closer.

Any closer and he'll bite your nose off.

Look, Linda, you're a nice kid.

You really are.

But you're just a kid.

Well, then...

Could you at least dance with me?

Come on, sweetheart.

Make it again, champ.

Peron Fernando.

Like this.

Would you like a drink?

No, thanks, Isaac.

Well, here we are.

Alone again.

Come on, Donna, I'll buy you a drink.

We can be alone together.

Fine.

Isaac, give us a couple of drinks of the day.

Captain, do I look tired, run down, overworked?

What are you after the night off?

Yeah, it's important.

All right, Miss Summers, you're dismissed.

Aye, aye, Captain.

Never mind.

I'm reporting back for duty.

That was quick.

I should have known.

Once a honeybee, always a honeybee.

Come on, let's dance.

Sandy, I've been looking all over for you.

Down there?

Why'd you come out of your cabin, Ralph?

Coming out for air?

What are you talking about?

You and your friend must have gone through at least three bottles of suntan

lotion.

You sauce.

Surprised she didn't squirt out of each other's arms.

Sandy, believe me, rubbing elbows is as close as we got.

Really?

Really.

Well, uh, don't tell me you care.

What would you do if I did?

The time you get off work.

Now?

Oh, that's great.

Come on, we'll have a big night.

We'll go dinner, dancing, a movie, maybe even bingo.

Whoa, Ralph.

I don't like big nights.

I like little nights.

You know, relaxing, putting your feet up, no people around.

Maybe a candle lit dinner.

No, no, no, Sandy, I'm not that kind of fella.

I mean, a dinner like that could lead to breakfast.

Even if it did, Ralph, I'd never lose respect for you.

Oh, you're one new woman.

Oh!

Later, Ralph.

Do that again, Lee.

Isaac.

Hey, Doc, that's number nine.

It's my liver.

You got it.

The usual, Isaac.

and make it strong how do you make ginger veils strong to hold the ice hi hello

did you know the Pacific is full of sardines I hate sardines oh so do I how do

you feel about haddock buy me a drink and I'll tell you are you waiting for

anyone special no I was oh but a funny thing happened on the way to my that

line I found out he's hung up on another girl oh that'll put a damper on a

relationship every time I should have been suspicious when he invited me for a

drink and I said my cabin are yours and he said how about the dining room I

mean he's the only guy I've ever been out with who didn't lunge at me after the

first five minutes well don't let me spoil your record Oh,

come on Livingston, you're a doctor,

you really think psychologists should sleep with their patients?

I'm going to live there in screams therapy doctor,

I've got to get a breath there, claustrophobic should never be in tight places,

this place isn't tight.

No, but I am, let's go up and see what's happening on today.

No, no, no, no, I can't go yet, Amy's about to come up.

I am not going to sit through this show again,

you're the one that's hung up on the little lady, not me.

I am not hung up, I find her a very interesting psychological study,

that's all.

I mean, have you ever wondered why stand up comics stand up?

Well, why don't they sit down, be a lot more comfortable, really perfectly.

You wouldn't care if she did her act blind full -out on the floor.

Hey, that's not a bad idea.

A lie -down comic.

You're nothing but talk, Berkeley, full of talk.

Oh, yeah?

Nobody calls me talk and gets away with it.

They're playing their drumrolls.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I would like to introduce to you someone whose career has skyrocketed steadily

downward.

She's appeared on all your favorite TV shows.

What's My Game, Celebrity Washout, and Guess My Weight.

So, ladies and gentlemen,

it's with great trepidation that we present Amy Mitchell.

Aw, thank you, Sandy.

Isn't she refreshing?

So unusual these days to find someone who isn't having an affair.

Is there anyone here who isn't having an affair?

Come on, raise your hand.

Oh, my.

Aw, I'm so sorry, sir.

What's your chance?

Raise your hand.

I have had an affair.

Now you're being picky.

You wanted to notice you're not.

Would you shut up, Livingston?

Let's face it.

My body only appeals to a limited crowd.

A lot of men don't like abstract architecture.

Her body is not so bad.

Oh, why don't you tell her?

Would you shut up, Livingston?

Uh, do you like abstract architecture?

Oh, come on, sir.

Don't be shy.

You chicken.

Does your wife like it?

Chicken.

Me?

Chicken?

I mean, a lot of people like it.

You mean...

Like that kind of chicken?

Uh, excuse me, sir, are you laying an egg down there, sir?

Why, I'm so little, Eddy.

Go with your feelings.

Shh, shh, shh.

Uh, come on, don't be shy.

We would like to hear, uh, say the first thing that comes to your head.

There is nothing wrong with your body.

If that's a proposal, I accept.

But there is something wrong with your head.

You got talent.

Why don't you use it?

Uh, excuse me, are you a Hollywood producer?

No, but...

Oh, then I don't have to listen to you.

Yeah, you better listen to me,

because I am a doctor and I know what I'm talking about.

You're standing out there all alone, just putting yourself away.

Oh, not tonight.

I've got you to help.

You call this comedy?

Oh, what do you call it?

Depressing.

Hey, wait a minute, fella.

You've got a great body.

And you're sexy?

Are you warm?

And you're witty and you're intelligent if you weren't so stupid,

you'd know it You're making a fool of yourself,

I don't want to sit down I'm in perfect control and I have one more thing to

say to you young lady Well,

I've always wanted to have the audience at my feet but what do you do when a

doctor passes out It's in my house I It's it's dr.

Jim Berkeley Jim from last night, remember I have to talk to you.

I I have never heckled anybody in my whole life before no kitten You really

have an act for it What time is it 630 Not so bad I couldn't sleep Look, fella,

the last thing I need at 6 .30 in the morning is a heckle who makes house

calls.

Now, listen, I am trying to apologize.

So do I.

I apologize.

I accept.

Come on, now.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

You going ashore?

No.

I'm going to dress.

I've just been in a sign.

I'm trying to lose some extra pounds.

Any luck?

No.

but I'm three inches shorter.

Look, I really am sorry about last night.

Am I forgiven?

Sure.

I've been in show business long enough to accept a bad review.

I've been trying to get to know you the whole trip,

but I didn't know how to approach you.

Well, you certainly found a unique way.

I guess I overcompensated for my anxieties.

What are you, a shrink or something?

A psychologist.

Give me a favor.

Skip the jog in.

All right.

Let's just forget about last night and start fresh, huh?

Great idea.

I'm Amy Mitchell.

Jim Berkeley.

Charms, I'm sure.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Would you like to sit down?

I knew a psychologist once, in college.

We went together for a few months until my friend told me the terrible truth.

Oh.

He was dating your roommate.

Worse.

He was using our relationship for his master's thesis.

Shocking.

You know, you're kind of cute, in a neurotic sort of way.

Thanks.

I like you, too.

Okay.

I really want to know, what's wrong with my act?

You sure?

Give it to me straight.

Okay.

Simply stated, you've programmed yourself to accept only negative feedback,

so that your ego is clouded by destructive self -critics?

Yeah.

And besides that, my horizontal fine tune needs adjusting.

Can't you just talk regular English?

You're an attractive woman, Amy.

But when you're on stage, you deny it.

Come on.

I didn't compare myself to the Titanic once.

Give me credit for that.

Amy, put down jokes aren't your style.

Jill and Rivers does it better.

You're heckling me again.

No, don't get defensive.

Why not?

You're hating me where I live.

You ask for my opinion.

Listen, my act is okay.

Amy, I've watched you perform every night since I've been on this ship,

and believe me, your act is not okay.

I would have been on the Gong show last month,

only I got bumped for a bunch of dancing parakeets.

Oh, would you shut up and listen?

Underneath that self -deprecating shell of yours is the real Amy Mitchell,

and she's crying to get out,

and you'd be much more successful if you'd let her.

What do you know about the real Amy Mitchell?

Suppose I told you that the real Jim Berkeley would be much more successful

without a mustache.

What's wrong with my mustache?

It makes you look sinister.

Oh, now, you see?

You see?

That is a typical Freudian reaction.

I threatened your ego,

therefore you must take revenge by threatening my mustache.

Do you know what's wrong with you?

You think like a shrink.

Well, you know what's wrong with you?

I don't know.

Amy?

Thank you.

I have a tremendous urge to bite your hand.

Who else could be off that cuff with you?

I'm sorry.

I was expecting the maid with some fresh towels.

Matter of fact, that's all I've got on.

Oh, that's okay.

You don't have to change towels for me.

Can I come in?

You sure you want to?

I don't carry grudges.

Um...

All right.

Women have killed for a glimpse of this.

I, uh...

I thought you liked to sleep late.

Who can sleep when the real Amy Mitchell is about to come out?

Listen, I thought about what you said.

And when you're right, you're right.

I'm going to change my act.

Oh.

And you came here to thank me?

No, not yet.

Why don't I'm a star?

Then I'll thank you.

No, I came here because, uh, Sandy told me you had these ships' tape recorder.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that you have it on one condition.

Oh, I don't trade my body for small favors.

Large favors?

I'm not sure.

Nobody's ever offered.

Something wrong with your face?

Uh, no.

My, uh, nose edges.

Hey, meet me for a drink in 15 minutes.

You haven't even had breakfast.

Yeah, I'll throw an egg in my gin fizz.

Look, we may as well admit we like each other.

Fighting is a form of touching, you know.

Oh, in that case, this must be love.

Oh, Princess Lounge?

15 minutes?

Yeah, Amy, I thought about what you said, too.

You ready?

Ta -dum.

Yeah, I like it that way.

Half and half.

In a minute.

How is it?

How are you?

When I was five, I'd marched to a different saxophonist.

And when we'd play house, I always wanted to be the termite man.

Do you realize, if I followed my childhood ambition,

I could've been making big bucks and pest control.

You know, this is the first time my life story ever turned anybody on.

Why don't we finish this act at my place?

Oh, don't you have to rehearse your act or something?

Great idea.

I'll do a matinee for you in my cabin.

I'd like to.

I honestly would,

but I've got to do a speech tomorrow on compulsion for neuroses,

and I really have to rehearse.

Oh, James?

Yeah, and most of the night.

Most of the night?

Oh, no.

You're upset.

Oh, me?

I've got my own act to rehearse.

Tomorrow night, I try out my new stuff.

Maybe I'll build myself with Amy Mitchell, too.

As in Godfather, too.

That's entertainment, too?

Then again, maybe I won't.

Uh, some other time, okay?

Sure.

Ciao.

I'm glad to see you.

Uh, it's really above us, Sandy.

I mean, uh, Jim's a psychologist, right?

So I figure he must know something I don't.

So I change my act.

I changed my attitude.

I get all this new self -confidence.

But what happened?

He dumped me.

What am I doing wrong?

For one thing, you're up here talking to me.

You should be down in a nice, quiet, intimate room talking to him.

That's it.

I'll lock him in my cabin, then he'll have to listen to me.

Oh, Sandy, I owe you one.

I'll put it on your tab.

Sandy, you seem like you're in a happy mood this morning.

I guess I am.

Oh, Sandy, you and Ralph didn't finally.

Let's just say we had a very long date.

Oh, Sandy, you're going to make such a beautiful bride.

Um, it should be a simple wedding.

Lots of organdy, lots of flowers, and lots of crying.

Oh, and one thing, don't throw the bouquet.

Just hand it to me.

What do you want a bouquet for?

What about your career?

I thought you wanted to be a star.

Oh, yeah, a married star.

Go glue your eyelashes on.

Thank you.

I'm going to be in my cabin all evening, hooking a rug.

Please stop by, okay?

Jim, this is God.

Do what she says, or I'll strike you with a bolt of lightning.

Jim?

Yes.

Hey, I got my message.

See ya.

Oh.

Nice cabin.

I like your bedspread.

Mine's purple.

Oh, no one's here can't sleep.

Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, uh...

Would you like a drink?

Yeah, yes.

Uh, straight'll be fine.

Straight what?

Straight anything.

Oh, thanks.

Thanks.

How do you feel better?

A little.

Uh, okay.

Now that you're, um, relaxed, I, um, I just would like to know something.

I mean, everything was going so great.

I mean, what did I do to turn you off?

Oh, nothing.

You were perfect.

I can't run too strong?

No, it's not your fault.

It's something I said.

I mean, it sounds like I'll take it back.

Amy, you're not listening.

It's my problem.

Well, okay, uh, I'm willing to share.

What is it?

No, I can't talk about it.

I've yet to meet an actual adult, but where reasonable facsimiles?

No, facsimiles.

And we should be able to talk about anything.

Right.

Right, uh, uh, tell me.

How do you feel about industrial waste?

I won't force it.

But if you're gay, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm not gay.

Married?

No.

Then what is it?

No.

I've read Jacqueline Suzanne.

Hmm?

How about Hemingway?

How about him?

Did you read The Sun Also Rises?

Oh, yeah, in high school.

I was so naive that I had to ask the teacher what the guy's problem was.

Oh.

Oh.

Were you in a war?

Mm.

Marriage.

Same thing.

My wife left me for our insurance agent.

That's one policy I hope you canceled.

Oh.

Sorry.

Nervous reaction.

When did it happen?

Oh, almost a year ago.

No wonder you've been drinking.

Uh, now, look,

there's no sense starting something that's going to end up in mutual

frustration.

Oh, no, Jim, Jim, you're one of the sexiest men I ever met.

Oh, no, I'm not.

Also, one of the most argumentative.

Look, I can't guarantee you anything.

Well, who's asking for guarantees?

What are we dealing with here, a refrigerator?

Look, you know, despite all the work you said, your psychologists are doing.

I mean, life is not yet a science.

I mean, I really think you're a great guy.

And whatever happens or doesn't happen, I still think you're a great guy.

It may take a while.

Mommy, no hurry.

I've got a lot of time.

What about your show?

Oh, it's my last night.

Let him find me.

Oh, oh, one last request.

What?

No heckling.

No heckling.

You know something, Scarlett?

What is it, Rand?

I think we should have a talk.

Okay.

Let's talk.

You know, I was thinking a lot about you and me, about us.

So have I.

And I thought of all the reasons that we should get married,

and all the reasons that we shouldn't.

And what did you come up with?

This.

A laundry list?

It's a ledger.

You're an accountant, don't you recognize it?

Two columns, pros here, cons here.

All the reasons why we should get married on this side.

All the reasons why we shouldn't on the left.

Well, the pros win, 18 to 3.

That means,

that means if you have to sit down and make out a ledger whether or not to get

married, something's wrong.

That's what I thought.

Answers no, isn't it?

I want you to understand.

I'm not saying no to you.

I know you love me.

I'm saying no to marriage.

Do you understand?

Well, if I don't, I guess I should.

Well, we still have the rest of the night together.

I'm trying to figure out if that's a pro or a con.

I made arrangements to take the Newton fight to Kennedy.

They'll get me in the Manhattan in time for the Brooks meeting,

then the shuttle flight to Washington.

That's in time for the Schreiber conference.

And by the way, your mother's keeping the kids.

You're coming with me.

Always said you were good at arranging things.

And I'm planning to get to be a June bride.

I'm going to wear white, well, cloth white.

You'll see, Doug.

So you know what you're doing.

After waiting 22 years.

He knows what he's doing.

None of my dad's marrying your mom.

What does that make us?

Makes me hysterically happy.

She'll move out of my apartment.

I hate these short goodbyes.

So do I.

Goodbye, Sandy.

See you tax time.

Maybe.

Maybe.

You go to another tax man, I'll knock your eights on our block off.

Eh, don't play with your W -2.

Hey.

I got to take this for the love vote.

It does change your life.

I don't know if it's for the better.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Now, no more of that negative thinking.

You're right.

From now on, I'm going to think faster than you.

Right.

I got to get on that ship.

I'm going to leave without me.

I'll see you in L .A.

when I get back.

Of course you will.

Yeah, of course I will.

So long, girl.

Go for it.

You know, Gopher, I've been thinking about our relationship.

Oh, you have?

Yeah.

And in four short years, I'll be 17 and you'll be 26.

Linda, that's not that close.

You can't even drink beer then.

I could be an alcoholic.

Okay, when you're 77, I'll be 68.

Now that's perfect, because I know older men like younger women.

A younger woman is not three years into Medicare.

Oh, well.

Okay, then.

Considering we're practically contemporaries, can I kiss you goodbye?

Under the circumstances, yes.

Now what do we do for an encore?

I'll come back in five years and show you.

Is that nice?

I mean, here you guys are supposed to be my superior officer.

Don't give me spaces.