Original subtitles

MICHAEL, I AM SO EXCITED.

BECAUSE OF THE RAIN THIS YEAR,

THE WILD FLOWERS ARE GONNA BE AT THEIR ABSOLUTE PEAK.

MM-HMM.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SIT THERE

AND BE SURROUNDED BY POPPIES,

SOAKING UP THE VIBRATIONS WITH YOU.

MM-HMM.

AND BABY, YOU PROMISE EVERY YEAR TO TAKE ME,

AND THIS YEAR WE'RE REALLY GONNA GET TO GO!

MM-HMM.

AREN'T YOU EXCITED?

MM-HMM.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN SAY OTHER THAN "MM-HMM"?

MNH-MNH. THAT'S IT, MICHAEL.

BABY, LISTEN, LISTEN... I CAN'T WAIT

TO MAKE THE 4-HOUR DRIVE TO THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

WHERE I'M STANDING IN A BUNCH OF WEEDS

WITH THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH ITCHING FROM ALLERGIES.

BABE, THIS IS GONNA...

[ CLICKING TONGUE ]

...BE RO... [ POPPING LIPS ]

THIS IS GONNA BE ROMANTIC!

LOOK AT THE PICNIC BASKET I MADE FOR YOU.

WHAT'D YOU MAKE?

YOUR FAVORITE SUBMARINE SANDWICH,

CHOCOLATE-COVERED STRAWBERRIES...

YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN DO WITH THOSE...

AND SOME PâTé.

SOUNDS LIKE A "PAR-TAY."

IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY, THEN IT MAKES ME HAPPY.

THANK YOU, BABY.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

YOU GET THAT, I'LL FINISH THE PICNIC BASKET.

OKAY.

[ KNOCKING ON DOOR ]

HEY.

HOW YOU DOING, DANNY?

I GOT THE BEST NEWS IN THE WORLD.

BOB PHILLIPS, HIS HEMORRHOIDS HAVE GONE OFF, MAN!

HOW'S THAT GOOD NEWS?

IT'S BAD NEWS FOR BOB, BUT IT'S GREAT NEWS FOR YOU.

WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO PEBBLE BEACH,

AND HE WANTS YOU TO TAKE HIS PLACE.

WOW!

I'M GLAD HE GOT HEMORRHOIDS!

THAT'S GREAT!

YEAH, EXACTLY, MAN.

WELL, THE PLANE LEAVES IN AN HOUR, SO PACK YOUR BAGS,

GRAB YOUR CLUBS, WE TEE OFF AT 9:00 IN THE MORNING.

PEBBLE BEACH? THE PEBBLE BEACH?

AND IT'S FREE, MAN. BOB ALREADY PAID FOR IT.

GET OUTTA HERE! WHAT?! WHAT?!

WHAT?! YEAH! YEAH!

THIS IS THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME.

I KNOW. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR.

GET READY TO GO.

I CAN'T! WHAT?

I PROMISED MY WIFE I'D DRIVE OUT TO LOOK AT SOME WILD FLOWERS.

[ LAUGHS ] THAT'S HILARIOUS!

I'M SERIOUS.

JUST GO IN THERE AND TELL HER YOUR GRANDMA DIED.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO MY WIFE.

THINGS DON'T WORK AROUND HERE AT THE KYLE MANOR LIKE THAT.

SEE, I'M THE KING OF THIS CASTLE.

I'LL JUST LOOK HER IN THE EYE AND GO,

"BABY, PUT THE POPPIES ON HOLD,

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO PEBBLE BEACH."

[ LAUGHS ] WELL, MAKE IT QUICK,

'CAUSE WE LEAVE IN 20 MINUTES.

GO ON. GET, GET, GET!

LET ME HANDLE MY BUSINESS!

JAY...

I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT?

GRANDMA DIED.

AGAIN?

SHE DIED YEARS AGO, MICHAEL.

DID I SAY GRANDMA? I MEANT GRANT'S MA.

REMEMBER MY FRIEND GRANT?

NO.

GOOD. BECAUSE HIS MOTHER DIED,

AND WE WERE VERY CLOSE.

ME AND HER WAS LIKE...

YOU NEVER MENTIONED HER TO ME BEFORE, MICHAEL.

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE THE RELATIONSHIP WAS A SECRET

BECAUSE SHE LOVED ME ACTUALLY MORE THAN SHE LOVED GRANT.

AND HE USED TO GET JEALOUS

WHEN HE SEEN US OUT THERE PLAYING AND STUFF.

I USED TO TAKE HER TEETH AND HIDE THEM AND STUFF.

AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN SHE WENT TO OLD-AGE HOME,

I'D JUST SEND MONEY BECAUSE HE... HE DIDN'T LIKE THAT.

OKAY, WELL, WHERE IS THIS FUNERAL?

WAY OUT IN PEBBLE BEACH.

YEAH, AND I GOTTA LEAVE, LIKE, RIGHT AWAY

BECAUSE THEY'RE OF THE JEWISH PERSUASION,

AND THEY GOTTA BURY HER WHILE THE BODY'S STILL KOSHER.

ISN'T PEBBLE BEACH ALL THE WAY IN CALIFORNIA?

YEAH, I KNOW. DAMN.FUDGE!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA MISS THE WILD FLOWERS!

GRANT-MA!

WHY'D YOU DIE DURING THE WILD-FLOWER SEASON?!

[ KNOCK ON WINDOW ]

MIKE, COME ON, LET'S GO, MAN. GET IN THE CAR. HURRY UP.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT. WHO IS THAT RIGHT THERE?

OH, THAT'S JUST DANNY. DANNY.

DANNY... YOUR GOLF BUDDY DANNY?

YEAH, WELL, SURE, WE GOLF TOGETHER,

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT HE IS IN THIS SCENARIO, JAY.

IN THIS SCENARIO, HE'S A PALLBEARER.

A PALLBEARER? YES.

HE'S A LITTLE SHORT TO BE A PALLBEARER.

YES, BUT, SEE, GRANT-MA ONLY HAD ONE LEG, RIGHT?

SO IT'S JUST LIKE HIP, NOTHING.

SO WE'RE GONNA LET HIM HOLD THAT SIDE OF THE CASKET.

MICHAEL, YOU'RE GOING TO PEBBLE BEACH TO PLAY GOLF, AREN'T YOU?

AREN'T YOU?!

YOU KNOW, FINE, JAY. OKAY, I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU.

THANK YOU.

YES, WE MAY SNEAK IN A ROUND OR TWO OF GOLF,

BUT THAT'S BECAUSE GRANT-MA WOULD'VE WANTED IT THAT WAY.

OH, SHE WOULD'VE, HUH?

YEAH, BECAUSE SHE ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY,

BUT SHE DIDN'T HAVE THE BALANCE.

RIGHT.

[ Voice breaking ] AND I'M SO BROKEN UP ABOUT THIS.

I GOTTA GO PACK.

DO I LOOK LIKE SOME KIND OF FOOL TO YOU, MICHAEL?!

MICHAEL, OBVIOUSLY AN OPPORTUNITY

FOR YOU TO PLAY PEBBLE BEACH HAS COME ALONG,

AND NOW YOU WANT TO BACK OUT OF YOUR COMMITMENT TO ME.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, JAY? I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU,

BECAUSE THAT'S IN OUR VOWS... DON'T LIE TO YOUR WIFE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

MAYBE THIS WHOLE GRANT-MA THING IS A BIT EXAGGERATED, OKAY?

HIS MOTHER DIDN'T DIE. THERE, I SAID IT.

IT WAS HIS FATHER, GRANT-PA.

AND HE AND I HAD THAT SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP,

AND GRANT-MA WAS JEALOUS.

SHE'D COME OUT THERE AND BE LIKE,

"LOOK, AT Y'ALL PLAYING, AND I CAN'T PLAY.

WHY CAN'T I PLAY BASEBALL WITH Y'ALL?"

MICHAEL, LET ME JUST GET THIS STRAIGHT, OKAY?

YOU'RE SAYING TO ME

THAT THE OPPORTUNITY TO PLAY PEBBLE BEACH

IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR WIFE.

SO YOU DO UNDERSTAND.

MICHAEL!

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT, BABY?

I'M NOT EVEN GONNA PUSH YOU ON THIS.

I JUST... I WANT YOU TO JUST TAKE A SECOND,

THINK ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW, SEARCH WITHIN YOUR HEART,

AND LET YOUR CONSCIENCE BE YOUR GUIDE, BABE.

I KNOW YOU'LL DO THE RIGHT THING.

OKAY.

[ Sighs ] OKAY.

JUST THINK ABOUT IT... THINK.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'LL GO PACK.

[ SMOOCHES ]

[ VEHICLE HORN HONKS ] I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ] YEAH, COME IN!

MR. KYLE, CAN YOU HELP ME?

OH, VANESSA, I'M REALLY BUSY RIGHT NOW.

THE WINDOW IN MY BEDROOM'S STUCK OPEN.

CAN'T YOU GET JUNIOR TO DO IT? HE'S AT THE STORE.

CAN'T YOU WAIT TILL HE GETS BACK? THERE'S A DRAFT, AND THE BABY'S GETTING COLD.

CAN'T YOU MOVE THE BABY? HE'S SLEEPING.

DON'T YOU HAVE BLANKETS? MR. KYLE, PLEASE?

OKAY, OKAY. COME ON, COME ON.

I TRIED AS HARD AS I COULD, BUT I CAN'T GET IT CLOSED.

OH, COME ON. YOU CAN'T CLOSE THIS?

I CAN DO THIS WITH ONE FINGER. WATCH.

[ GRUNTING ]

OKAY, I'M NOT TRYING TO IMPRESS NOBODY,

SO I'LL USE TWO FING...

THREE, FOUR, FIVE...

10 FINGERS.

IS THIS A GAG OR SOMETHING? IS THIS THING PAINTED OPEN?

WHAT, AM I BEING PUNK'D AROUND HERE OR SOMETHING?

YOUR DAD'S NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO GET THE WINDOW CLOSED.

THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S A TRICK TO IT.

AAAAAAAAH!

AAAAAAH!

[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]

NO, NO, NO, NO. DAD, YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN.

I CANNOT UNDERSTAND YOU WHEN YOU'RE YELLING.

OKAY. SON, GET THE WINDOW OFF OF MY FINGERS!

NOW, SEE? WE'RE COMMUNICATING.

WHEN YOU'RE NOT YELLING AT ME,

YOU'RE TALKING TO ME AND NOT AT ME,

AND IT'S AN EXCHANGE OF IDEAS BETWEEN FATHER AND SON.

YOU KNOW, WE LOVE EACH OTHER.

COME HERE. CLOSER. WHAT'S UP?

WHAT, ARE YOU TRYING TO BITE ME?! YEAH!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! GET THE WINDOW OFF MY HANDS!

GOOD GOSH!

HURRY UP! OKAY!

OHH!

OH! YOUR MOTHER PUT YOU UP TO THIS, DIDN'T SHE?

WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHEN MY HANDS HEAL, I OWE YOU A SLAP UPSIDE YOUR HEAD.

AAAAH!

COME ON, OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME. OPEN THE DOOR!

AGAIN, YOU'RE TALKING AT ME, NOT TO ME.

OH!

OPEN THE DOOR!

UGH.

MICHAEL, WHAT WAS ALL THAT SCREAMING?!

HA! LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW.

HA! JUNIOR SLAMMED MY FINGERS IN THE WINDOW

LIKE YOU ASKED HIM TO.

WHAT? BABY, COME ON. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? LET ME SEE.

LIKE YOU CARE.

HA!

I'M FINE, THANK YOU.

WELL, YOU DON'T LOOK FINE, MICHAEL.

OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN'T PLAY GOLF,

SO I'LL GO TELL YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS THAT YOU CAN'T GO.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! I'M GOING TO PEBBLE BEACH.

WHAT YOU... WHAT YOU SAY?

I SAID PEBBLE BEACH IS WHERE I'M GOING.

I'M GOING TO THE BEACH... OF PEBBLE.

RIGHT.

YEAH, SO YOUR LITTLE PLAN, IT FAILED, JAY.

MICHAEL, STOP IT. YOU CAN'T EVEN PACK, OKAY?

HOW YOU GONNA HOLD A GOLF CLUB?

YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS PEBBLE BEACH.

IF I GOTTA TAPE THE PUTTER TO MY PUTTER,

I'LL STILL BE PUTTING.

[ CLICKS TONGUE ]

FINE, FINE.

YOU KNOW THE MOVE... [ CLICKS TONGUE ]

YEAH... [ CLICKS TONGUE ] FINE.

YEAH, OKAY. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

I THINK YOUR CONSCIENCE IS TALKING

AND YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.

YOU CAN THINK WHAT YOU WANT TO THINK,

'CAUSE I'M GOING TO PEBBLE BEACH.

WHAT YOU... I'M GOING TO PEBBLE BEACH.

PEBBLE BEACH.

WHAT ARE YOU... YOU KEEP HEARING STUFF.

MR. KYLE, WE NEED YOU DOWNSTAIRS NOW!

I CAN'T. I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW, FRANKLIN.

BUT MR. KYLE, IT'S OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE!

IT INVOLVES ONE OF YOUR KIDS!

I REALLY CAN'T DO IT!

[ Straining ] MR. KYLE, DON'T MAKE ME GO HULK ON YOU!

OKAY, JUST CALM DOWN! DON'T MAKE ME RIP THE SHIRT!

DON'T RIP THE SHIRT! COME ON, LET'S GO!

OW!

OKAY, WE GOTTA MAKE THIS QUICK

BECAUSE I GOT A PLANE TO CATCH.

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION

THAT YOU HAVE AN UPCOMING EVENT TO ATTEND

WITH YOUR DAUGHTER KADY.

I DO?

THE FATHER/DAUGHTER DANCE?

OH, THAT THING. I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

WELL, WE'RE NOT.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

THE PROBLEM IS YOU HAVEN'T REHEARSED.

I DON'T NEED TO REHEARSE TO DANCE WITH MY DAUGHTER.

I CAN DANCE, MAN. LOOK AT THIS ROBOT.

BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM...

BAM!

TOUCH IT.

GOING THE OTHER WAY.

BOOM!

WHOA, PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME

YOU CARE MORE ABOUT YOUR STUPID GOLFING TRIP

THAN YOUR LOVELY DAUGHTER KADY.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MY MAN...

THIS IS NOT A STUPID GOLFING TRIP.

THIS HAPPENS TO BE PEBBLE BEACH.

YOU CARE MORE ABOUT PEBBLE BEACH THAN ME?

OF COURSE... I DON'T.

SEE, I KNOW WHAT THIS IS, KADY.

YOUR MOTHER PUT YOU UP TO THIS.

THIS IS THE OLD "FORCE YOUR FATHER

"TO CHOOSE BETWEEN THE TWO THINGS HE LOVES MOST...

"PEBBLE BEACH... [ CLICKS TONGUE ]...

AND," UM...

KA...

KADY! KADY! YES!

BUT I'M GONNA HAVE BOTH.

WATCH THIS. COME ON, LET'S DANCE.

COME ON, LET'S DANCE. I'LL SHOW YOU.

AND ONE, TWO, THREE. AND ONE, TWO, THREE.

AND ONE... TWO... THREE.

AND SPIN AROUND.

AND...

WE'RE DONE.

NO, NO, NO. THIS IS ALL WRONG.

HEAD UP, SHOULDERS BACK, STOMACH IN, AND...

IN...

AND SLOW DOWN.

OH, SORRY.

THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN TOO MUCH "IN."

AND SLOW DOWN? SHOW ME.

IF YOU'RE GONNA CRITICIZE, SHOW ME.

INDEED I WILL.

INDEED YOU SHOULD.

YOU SEE, STEP AND GLIDE.

STEP AND GLIDE.

ANTICIPATE THE MUSIC.

LET IT FLOW THROUGH YOU.

IT SHOULD BE AN ELEGANT CONVERSATION,

NOT A DRUNKEN ARGUMENT.

OKAY, STEP AND GLIDE. I CAN DO THAT.

STEP AND GLIDE.

STEP AND GLIDE.

I'LL PRACTICE ON THE GOLF COURSE.

STEP AND GLIDE.

STEP AND GLIDE.

AND ONE, TWO, THREE. AND STEP AND GLIDE.

AND STEP AND GLIDE.

YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME! THE BABY CAN'T EAT CHOCOLATE!

YES, HE CAN! IT'S BAD FOR HIM!

NO, IT'S NOT! IT'S CHOCOLATE MILK

WITH VITAMIN D, RIBOFLAVIN, AND YELLOW FI-VE!

HEY, HEY! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

GOOD, MY DAD'S HERE. HE CAN HANDLE THIS.

I'M NOT INTERESTED IN HANDLING ANYTHING.

YOU TWO ARE GONNA HANDLE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS LIKE ADULTS SHOULD.

MR. K... NO!

YOU ARE STANDING IN MY WAY OF GOING TO PEBBLE BEACH.

NOW KINDLY MOVE.

SHE SAYS I SHOULDN'T GIVE JUNIOR JR. CHOCOLATE MILK.

THAT'S RIGHT! IT MAKES HIM HYPERACTIVE!

I HAD A WHOLE BUNCH OF CHOCOLATE WHEN I WAS A KID!

I REST MY CASE! DADDY, HELP ME.

SON, FOR THE FUTURE,

THE WOMAN IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

NO, THAT'S NOT... ALWAYS!

EVERY TIME.

EVEN THEN.

NOW, IF MEMORY SERVES ME CORRECTLY,

I OWE YOU SOMETHING. CAN'T THINK WHAT IT IS.

OH, YOU OWE ME A SLAP ON THE HEAD.

RIGHT! YEAH.

WHAT HAPPENED? OW!

PAID IN FULL.

MAN, WISH I WAS GOING TO PEBBLE BEACH.

[ CHUCKLES ]

EXCUSE ME?

HUH?

NO, NO, SEE, WHAT HAPPENED WAS...

OH, LOOK. WHAT?

OW!

WHAT IS OVER THERE?

Danny: YO, MIKE! WE'RE GONNA MISS THE PLANE!

I WILL BE RIGHT THERE!

FIVE MINUTES, OR WE'RE LEAVING WITHOUT YOU!

I SAID I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS THE MATTER?!

IT'S TONY! HE JOINED THE ARMY.

TONY JOINED THE ARMY?! WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?!

HE SAID GOD TOLD HIM TO DO IT.

AND WHERE IS HE?! HEAVEN?

NO, TONY. WHERE IS TONY?

OH, HE'S IN THE LIVING ROOM. WOULD YOU PLEASE TALK TO HIM?

CLAIRE, YOU KNOW I'M ABOUT TO GO AWAY...

[ Straining ] DON'T MAKE ME GO HULK ON YOU!

PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME TEAR THE DRESS, DADDY.

NO, NO, DON'T TEAR THE... GO, GO, GO, GO!

EXPLAIN THIS TO ME, TONY. WHY WOULD YOU JOIN THE ARMY?

THERE'S NOTHING TO EXPLAIN.

THE LORD TOLD ME TO JOIN THE ARMY.

SEE?

I WOULD NEVER TRY TO TALK SOMEONE OUT OF DOING

SOMETHING THAT THE LORD TOLD THEM TO DO,

BUT YOU MUST CONSIDER THE RAMIFICATIONS.

YEAH, HAVE YOU?

YOU'RE STILL IN SCHOOL. YOU'RE STILL IN SCHOOL.

I CAN HANDLE THIS, CLAIRE. HE CAN HANDLE THIS, CLAIRE!

LISTEN, TONY, YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE FUTURE AHEAD OF YOU.

THERE'S NOTHING THAT YOU OR ANYONE ELSE ON EARTH CAN SAY

THAT'S GONNA CHANGE MY MIND.

THIS COULD BE DANGEROUS. I KNOW IT CAN BE DANGEROUS,

BUT IT'S REALLY JUST A MATTER OF WHERE I GET STATIONED.

THE AIRPORT OR A DEPARTMENT STORE IS NOT THAT BAD.

BUT IF THEY SEND ME TO THE BUS STATION,

WELL, THAT COULD BE TREACHEROUS.

WAIT A MINUTE.

THE ARMY IS STATIONED AT DEPARTMENT STORES?

THE SALUTATION ARMY IS EVERYWHERE, MR. KYLE,

RINGING BELLS AND GETTING MONEY FOR POOR PEOPLE.

YOU MADE ME RISK A TRIP TO PEBBLE BEACH

BECAUSE THIS KNUCKLEHEAD ENROLLED IN THE SALUTATION ARMY?

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW. I THOUGHT HE JOINED THE REAL ARMY.

OH, NO. THAT'S TOO DANGEROUS.

I HAVE MY WHOLE FUTURE AHEAD OF ME.

YOUR MOTHER PUT YOU UP TO THIS. YOUR MO...

YOU'RE NOT GONNA STOP ME. YOU'RE NOT GONNA STOP ME!

♪ DOO-DOO DOO, DOO DOO DOO DOO-DEE-DOO ♪

HEY.

YOU READY TO GO?

YEP. I'M ALL PACKED.

LISTEN, JAY,

IF YOU REALLY DON'T WANT ME TO GO, I'LL STAY.

I REALLY DON'T WANT YOU TO GO.

NO, I MEAN, IF YOU REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY

DON'T WANT ME TO GO,

THEN I'M GONNA JUST PUT THE BAG DOWN AND STAY.

I REALLY DON'T WANT YOU TO GO.

I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY.

I'M TRYING TO SAY THAT IF YOU, JAY,

REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY,

REALLY, REALLY, REALLY WANT ME, MIKE, TO STAY,

THEN I, MIKE, WILL REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY,

REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY

PUT THE BAG DOWN FOR YOU, JAY, AND STAY.

OKAY, I WANT YOU TO GO, BECAUSE IF YOU STAY,

YOU'RE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY

GONNA BE MISERABLE, AND THAT'LL MAKE ME

REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY MISERABLE, TOO.

GOOD. I'LL REALLY, REALLY SEE YOU ON MONDAY.

MICHAEL.

OH, I KNEW IT WAS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY,

REALLY, REALLY TOO EASY. WHAT?

HERE.

WHAT'S THIS?

YOUR FAVORITE SUBMARINE SANDWICH THAT I MADE FOR THE PICNIC.

I DON'T WANT IT TO GO TO WASTE,

AND I KNOW HOW BAD THE AIRPLANE FOOD IS, SO...

WHAT'D YOU DO, PUT SOME GLASS IN IT?

NO!

RAT POISON? NO.

ANTHRAX? NO!

THANK YOU. THAT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

LOOK, BABY, IF THIS WAS

ANY OTHER GOLF COURSE IN THE WORLD...

OKAY, MICHAEL, MICHAEL, MICHAEL,

JUST GO AND ENJOY YOURSELF.

CALL ME WHEN YOU GET TO PEBBLE BEACH.

W-WHAT'D YOU SAY?

PEBBLE BEACH.

UH, PEBBLE... SAY AGAIN.

BEACH.

WHAT IS THE EMPHASIS ON...

...THE PEBBLE OR THE BEACH?

MICHAEL, JUST GO, GO. BYE.

BYE.

DADDY! BYE, SWEETHEART.

I'LL CALL YOU FROM PEBBLE BEACH, OKAY?

DADDY, WAIT!

BABY, I CAN'T. I'M RUNNING LATE.

NO, I NEED YOU!

WE'LL REHEARSE THE DANCE WHEN I GET BACK, I PROMISE YOU.

WE'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME.

NO, I HAVE A SPLINTER!

WELL, GO ASK YOUR MOTHER. SHE CAN GET THAT OUT.

NO, SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT!

NOBODY DOES IT RIGHT BUT YOU!

10 SECONDS, MIKE, OR WE'RE LEAVING WITHOUT YOU!

IT HURTS!

COME HERE, COME HERE, COME HERE.

LET ME TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

WOW, THAT'S A PRETTY BIG SPLINTER.

HOW'D YOU GET THIS? I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK I CAN GET IT OUT.

I WANT YOU TO CLOSE YOUR EYES

AND SAY "HOW MUCH WOOD COULD A WOODCHUCK CHUCK

IF A WOODCHUCK COULD CHUCK WOOD?"

WHAT? GOT IT.

I'M GONNA SEE YOU IN A COUPLE DAYS, ALL RIGHT?

THANKS, DADDY.

WAIT, I ALMOST FORGOT SOMETHING.

THAT'S THE MAGIC HEALING KISS. ALL BETTER?

NOW IT IS. I'M SORRY IF YOU MISSED YOUR FLIGHT.

HEY, SOME THINGS ARE MORE IMPORTANT

THAN A STUPID TRIP TO PEBBLE BEACH.

[ DOOR OPENS ]

OH, MY... MICHAEL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL [SIGHS]

I WAS AT THE AIRPORT WITH ALL MY FRIENDS,

I WAS ABOUT TO GET ON THE PLANE,

AND I GUESS MY CONSCIENCE KICKED IN

BECAUSE I REALIZED THAT...

I LEFT MY BEST FRIEND AT HOME.

THAT'S VERY SWEET.

NO,YOU'RE VERY SWEET.

AND I APPRECIATE

HOW YOU JUST LET ME COME TO THIS CONCLUSION MYSELF.

VERY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE, BUT IT WORKED.

[ LAUGHS ]

I WAS HOPING THAT WE COULD STILL HAVE

OUR LITTLE PICNIC IN THE WILD FLOWERS.

NO, IT'S DEFINITELY TOO LATE FOR THAT.

THE WILD FLOWERS DON'T COME BACK FOR ANOTHER YEAR.

WELL, THAT'S NOT NECESSARILY TRUE

BECAUSE, ON THE WAY BACK,

I SAW IN THIS LITTLE FIELD ACROSS FROM THE AIRPORT...

SOME FLOWERS.

OH!

THESE ARE BEAUTIFUL!

OH. SO, UH...

OH, MICHAEL!

PUT ON A LITTLE MUSIC.

COULD YOU POUR ME SOME CHAMPAGNE. I CAN.

WE'RE HAVING A PICNIC.

YOU WERE GONNA DO SOMETHING WITH THOSE STRAWBERRIES.

YOU REMEMBER THAT, HUH?

WELL, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

COME HERE. LET ME WHISPER IT TO YOU.

[ WHISPERING ]

YOU AIN'T GONNA PUT A STRAWBERRY THERE!

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

HE'S A LITTLE SHORT TO BE A PALLBEARER.

WELL, SEE, GRANT-MA ONLY HAD ONE LEG,

AND ACTUALLY, TECHNICALLY, IT WAS JUST A STUB.

IT JUST CAME, LIKE, RIGHT HERE.

IT'S LIKE HIP, NOTHING.

AND SO WE'RE GONNA LET HIM

[laughing] CARRY THAT SIDE.

[ LAUGHS ]

MICHAEL, MICHAEL, MICHAEL, MICHAEL.

SHE WAS JEALOUS, JAY.

I'D BE OUT THERE PLAYING WITH GRANT-PA,

AND SHE'D COME OUT THERE LIKE THIS.

"MNH-MNH-MNH, LOOK AT Y'ALL."

[ LAUGHS ]

I WAS TRYING NOT TO LOOK AT HIM!

"MNH-MNH, LOOK AT Y'ALL." [ LAUGHS ]

UH, EXCUSE ME, MELONHEAD, THIS IS MY SPOT.

PARDON ME?

YEAH, I'M IN DEPARTURES. YOU'RE DOWNSTAIRS IN ARRIVALS.

LISTEN, BROTHER, WE'RE ON THE SAME TEAM HERE, SAME ARMY.

YES, BUT YOU'RE GONNA BE ON THE ARMY DOWNSTAIRS IN ARRIVALS.

UH, NO, I'M NOT. DOWN YOU GO.

I DON'T KNOW YOU.

AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!

AAH!