Original subtitles

OH, THE GREATEST THING IN THE WORLD

JUST HAPPENED TO ME!

LET ME GUESS...

YOU FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO SPELL YOUR NAME.

Jay: HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA.

DANG IT, THAT AIN'T FUNNY.

NO, NO, NO, I GOT ONE, I GOT ONE, I GOT ONE.

YOU FINALLY FOUND A HAT TO FIT THAT BIG DOME OF YOURS.

HA HA HA!

AIN'T GOING TO HAPPEN... EVER.

HA HA HA HA!

STICK TO THE GARBAGE CAN.

HA HA HA.

WHAT, DON'T Y'ALL LISTEN?

NO, I ENTERED A NATIONAL CARTOON COMPETITION,

AND I WON. CHECK IT OUT.

2,000 CLAMS. YEAH!

WOW. WHOA. $2,000.

NO... CLAMS.

YOU SEE, IT WAS SPONSORED BY A SEAFOOD RESTAURANT.

I HAD A CHOICE BETWEEN 2,000 CLAMS

OR 2,000 BUCKS,

BUT CAN'T FIT THAT MANY DEER INTO A CAR.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

HA HA!

HA HA!

NOT SMILING.

MICHAEL, ACTUALLY, IT'S LEGITIMATE.

THE BOY REALLY DID WIN A CONTEST.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, SON.

MAYBE YOU'VE FOUND SOME DIRECTION IN LIFE.

SO WHAT'S THIS CARTOON ABOUT?

OH, IT'S KIND OF LIKE OUR LIFE HERE IN THE HOUSE.

REALLY? WHAT'S IT CALLED? "MY WIFE AND KID,"

AND IT'S ABOUT ME, VANESSA, THE BABY, AND ALL OF YOU.

REALLY? REALLY, AND THE CENTRAL CHARACTER IS THE GRANDFATHER.

WELL, OF COURSE HE WOULD BE. HE'S THE HEAD OF THE FAMILY,

THE PILLAR OF STRENGTH, DISPENSER OF WISDOM, RIGHT?

NO. HE'S MORE LIKE A BALD-HEADED LOUDMOUTH

FREELOADER WHO LIVES IN THE GARAGE

AND WORKS FOR HIS SON.

HA HA HA HA HA!

TAKE A LOOK. HA HA HA.

HA! OH, GOD.

UNH-UNH. NO, NO.

NO, NO, SEE, DAD,

THIS IS A MADE-UP CHARACTER.

YOUR NAME IS MICHAEL KYLE. HIS NAME IS KYLE MICHAELS.

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT GUY.

WHY KYLE MICHAELS GOT MY EARS?

OH, WELL, SEE, I JUST TOOK A COUPLE THINGS FROM YOU,

LIKE YOUR EARS, YOUR FACE, YOUR PERSONALITY,

YOUR SKINNY CALVES, AND YOUR CLUB FOOT.

BUT OTHER THAN THAT, NOTHING LIKE YOU.

WAIT, MICHAEL, DON'T LET YOUR EGO

GET IN THE WAY OF THIS BOY'S SUCCESS.

IT'S JUST A CARTOON. YOU NEED TO RELAX.

OH, YEAH? WELL, I'M GLAD YOU FEEL THAT WAY,

'CAUSE LOOK AT YOUR CARTOON.

WHAT?

HA HA!

HA HA HA!

LOOK AT THE TAIL ON THIS HEIFER!

HA HA!

WHY IS MY BUTT SO BIG?

YOU TRYING TO TELL ME MY BUTT IS THIS BIG, JUNIOR?

IT IS. HA HA!

HA HA. LOOK, RELAX, IT'S JUST A CARTOON.

HE JUST USED A COUPLE OF ASS-PECTS

OF YOUR PERSONALITY.

WHY IS THE MOUTH SO BIG, JUNIOR?

OH, THAT'S BECAUSE SHE HAS 300 TEETH.

300 TEETH?!

YEAH, THAT'S YOUR MANDIBLE PROTRUSION.

YOU ARE A SHARK.

YEAH, THAT WAS MY MOTIVATION. YEAH.

AND WHO THE HELL IS RUFUS?

OH, RUFUS IS HER BUTT. HA!

MY BUTT? YOU NAMED MY BUTT?

YEAH... YOU SEE, YOUR BUTT IS A CHARACTER.

SEE, AND IT HAS A VOICE.

LET ME HEAR THE VOICE.

GOOD MORNING. "GOOD MORNING." HA HA.

WELL, I'M OFF TO WORK GIVE ME 5.

THERE YOU GO.

HA HA HA HA.

I DON'T LIKE THIS. I DON'T LIKE THIS AT ALL.

I LOVE IT. IT'S BRILLIANT.

I DON'T LIKE IT, EITHER.

I... THIS... YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE THIS.

YEAH, YOU NEED TO CHANGE SOME THINGS, JUNIOR.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE EMBARRASSING ME.

OR RUFUS. HA.

WELL, IF IT WAS A HUGE SUCCESS,

I COULD MAKE ENOUGH MONEY TO MOVE MYSELF, VANESSA,

AND THE BABY OUT OF THE HOUSE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

JUNIOR, JUNIOR, THE BUTT'S REALLY NOT THAT BIG, BABY.

IT'S JUST VERY SHAPELY. I KIND OF LIKE IT.

THIS IS CUTE. YEAH. SO WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING?

WHAT'S THE DATE? DO YOU GOT A TIME?

'CAUSE I COULD GO PACK.

LET ME GO PACK YOUR STUFF UP FOR YOU,

BOY GENIUS.

O-O-OKAY. Jay: [ As Rufus ] GET OUT!

HA HA HA HA HA.

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

YOU WANT TO GO SEE A MOVIE?

I'M TIRED OF SEEING G-RATED MOVIES.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I TOOK YOU TO SEE "THE PASSION."

ALL RIGHT, WELL, THEN, LET'S DO SOMETHING EDGY.

LIKE WHAT?

UM, WE CAN READ THE BIBLE

WHILE SITTING ON THE EDGE OF A CLIFF.

I'M SORRY, TONY. THE THRILL IS GONE.

IT'S NOT THE SAME AS IT USED TO BE

WHEN WE FIRST STARTED DATING.

WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?

I'M JUST TIRED OF THE SAME OLD BORING RELATIONSHIP.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

JUST DO SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS FOR A CHANGE.

EVEN WHEN YOU KISS ME, IT'S UNINSPIRED.

YOUR LIPS HAVE LOST THAT CERTAIN OOMPH.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING? I AM OOMPH.

HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU.

AH.

HUH? HUH?

NOTHING. ALL RIGHT, WELL, ONE MORE TIME.

GET READY.

MM.

WHEW.

[ GRUNTS ]

NOW YOU'RE JUST MESSING UP MY LIP GLOSS.

ALL RIGHT, OKAY, WELL,

LET ME DO MY SUPER ESKIMO KISS ON YOU.

HERE WE GO. ARE YOU READY?

HA HA HA.

MM...

AAH!

NO! NO, NO.

TONY, LOOK,

I REALLY NEED YOU TO THINK ABOUT US

AND HOW YOU CAN BRING BACK THE SPARK TO OUR RELATIONSHIP,

OR ELSE...

OR ELSE WHAT, CLAIRE?

WAIT...

ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE ME?

[ HIGH-PITCHED MOAN ]

AAH!

[ MOANING ]

GUESS WHAT... GUESS WHAT... WE'VE GOT BIG NEWS.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS.

YOU BETTER NOT BE PREGNANT AGAIN.

NO, MAMA, LOOK,

I'VE GOT THE MOST EXCITING NEWS YOU'VE EVER HEARD...

MAYBE THE MOST EXCITING NEWS ANYONE'S EVER HEARD.

OKAY, WELL, WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

OKAY, I GOT A CALL

FROM THE ABC TELEVISION NETWORK.

ONE OF THEIR HOT-SHOT EXECUTIVES SAW MY COMIC STRIP,

AND HE WANTS TO TURN IT INTO AN ANIMATED TV SHOW!

Jay: WHAT?

MWAH!

OH, MY GOD. THAT'S FANTASTIC.

YEAH, HIS NAME IS FERNANDO TORRES.

AND HE WANTS TO MEET WITH ME THIS WEEK.

I LOVE YOU! MWAH!

SO YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO CALIFORNIA?

NO, DAD, HE'S GOING TO FLY HERE

AND MEET WITH ME THIS WEEK.

THIS GUY'S THE REAL THING.

I LOVE YOU!

[ BOTH SCREAMING ]

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

LISTEN...

THANK YOU.

CALM DOWN. LET'S NOT GET TOO EXCITED.

LET'S TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND THINK ABOUT THIS.

WHAT IS THERE TO THINK ABOUT?

WHATEVER THEY OFFER, I'M TAKING.

THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED TO THINK ABOUT, SON.

LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED? YOU NEED AN AGENT

WHO KNOWS HIS WAY AROUND THOSE SHARK-INFESTED WATERS

OF NETWORK TELEVISION.

HE'S RIGHT. YOUR DAD'S RIGHT. WHO? WHO CAN WE GET? WHO?

"WHO," SHE SAYS. SHE SAYS, "WHO?"

YOU HEAR SHE SAYS "WHO" JUST LIKE AN OWL?

SHE SAYS, "WHO?" "WHO?" "WHO?" "WHO?"

I'LL TELL YOU WHO. I'LL GO GET HIM.

HELLO THERE.

I'M MICHAEL KYLEBERG.

I'M THE ATTORNEY, THE AGENT EXTRAORDINAIRE.

UNH-UNH. UNH-UNH. UNH-UNH.

MICHAEL, YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT NEGOTIATING A NETWORK CONTRACT.

NO OFFENSE, MR. KYLE, BUT YOU'RE IN THE TRUCKING BUSINESS.

OH, MY DEAR, SWEET, DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.

YES, I AM IN THE TRUCKING BUSINESS,

WHICH IS ACTUALLY AN ASSET,

BECAUSE WHAT ARE THE FIRST THREE LETTERS

OF THE WORD "CARTOON"?

C-A-R.

CAR. CAR. CAR. CAR.

AND WHAT DO CARS DO?

CARS DRIVE ON THE "NETWORK" OF HIGHWAYS.

VROOM.

THAT'S RIGHT, MEANING DRIVING A HARD BARGAIN IN THE ROOM,

BEING ABLE TO POSTURE, BEING ABLE TO SAY,

"YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'RE GOING TO PARK IT.

"WE'RE GOING TO WAIT IN NEUTRAL,

"AND WE'RE NOT AFRAID TO BE IN REVERSE

IF IT AIN'T RIGHT."

YOU SEE?

NOW LET'S TAKE THE OTHER WORD.

TOON... SEE, "TOON" IS A LATIN WORD FOR...

TUNA. TUNA. FISH.

GO BACK TO THE NEUTRAL POSITION.

OKAY.

TOON...

TO TUNE IN.

HELLO? RADIO, DIAL IN.

[ IMITATES RADIO STATIC ]

RIGHT? TO BE ABLE TO TUNE IN

TO THE AIRWAVES OF NEGOTIATION.

THEY EVERYWHERE.

YOU SEE? AND TO BE ABLE TO SIT BACK

AND HUM A TUNE.

[ BOTH HUMMING ]

UNTIL THE RIGHT DEAL IS STRUCTURED.

NOW...

YOU TAKE A TOON,

AND YOU TAKE A CAR,

AND YOU PUT THE TOON IN REVERSE IN BACK OF THE CAR,

YOU GOT CARTOON.

CARTOON. BRILLIANT.

IT'S THAT KIND OF SAVVY THAT I PLAN TO PUT ON THE TABLE.

THAT'S WHAT HE'S BRINGING TO THE TABLE.

THIS TABLE RIGHT HERE. HE'S BRINGING THAT SAVVY.

SO YOU GOING TO GO WITH ME TO MEET MR. TORRES?

NO. WHOA.

YOU'RE GOING TO COME WITH ME TO MEET MR. TORRES. OKAY.

SEE, FIRST OF ALL, HERE'S LESSON NUMBER ONE...

TAKE IT RIGHT OFF THE TABLE.

CATCH IT, PAT, PUT IT ON YOUR HEAD.

OKAY, IT'S RIGHT HERE.

I WANT YOU TO PUT IT IN YOUR HEAD.

YOU DON'T EVER GIVE THAT MAN THAT KIND OF POWER

BY CALLING HIM "MISTER" ANYTHING.

NO MISTER.

YOU'RE THE ARTIST. I'M THE ARTIST.

HE NEEDS YOU. HE NEED ME.

THAT NETWORK NEEDS YOU TO STAY ON.

ABC NEED ME. THAT'S RIGHT.

SO YOU GO IN THERE, AND YOU PUT HIM ON THE DEFENSIVE.

YEAH.

YOU DON'T... YOU REDUCE HIS NAME.

YOU DON'T CALL HIM MR. FERNANDO TORRES.

YOU CALL HIM...

YOU LOOK HIM IN THE EYE, AND YOU GO, "NANDO."

YEAH. SHORTEN IT.

SHORTEN IT. NANDO.

NAN.

OR JUST DO, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE AFTER.

WE GET THE DOUGH FOR THE TUNA.

THAT'S RIGHT.

YEAH, AND MAKE THE SANDWICH.

GO BACK TO NEUTRAL.

OKAY.

DAD, ON SECOND THOUGHT,

MAYBE THIS IS SOMETHING I SHOULD DO BY MYSELF.

YOU DO IT BY YOURSELF. I'LL JUST BE THERE FOR BACKUP.

YOU WON'T SAY ANYTHING?

I'M NOT GOING TO...

I SAID EVERYTHING I NEED TO SAY HERE.

DO YOU NEED TO GO BACK AND EXPLAIN "CARTOON" AGAIN?

NO, WE... OH, GOD, PLEASE, NO.

I THINK I SAID IT ALL. NO, YOU SAID IT.

THAT'S RIGHT, AND I'LL JUST SIT THERE

AND SILENTLY SUPPORT YOU, AND IF SOMETHING'S GOING WRONG

IN THE ROOM, I'LL JUST GIVE YOU A SUBTLE LITTLE MESSAGE.

JUST A LITTLE TAP LIKE THAT, JUST BETWEEN ME AND YOU.

OKAY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT... YOU'RE SAYING TO US

THAT YOU'LL JUST SIT THERE SILENTLY IN THE ROOM,

JUST SIT SILENTLY. THAT'S WHAT I'M PLANNING ON DOING.

SON, YOUR LITTLE SHOW IS JUST A BEGINNING.

I MEAN, ONCE WE GET OUR FOOT IN THE DOOR,

WE'RE GOING TO PROGRAM THIS WHOLE NETWORK

WITH NOTHING BUT KYLE AND SON PRODUCTIONS.

YEAH, YEAH, EXACTLY.

NOW, I FIGURE WE'LL SPIN OFF RUFUS FIRST.

JUST SPIN HIM OFF AND, YOU KNOW,

MAKE HIM BE A COP.

OR AN UNDERCOVER SPY. WE COULD CALL IT "ALI-ASS."

YEAH. YEAH.

I LIKE THAT.

AND THEN WE DO A SHOW WITH KADY

WHERE SHE SOLVES CRIMES.

YEAH.

AND DURING RECESS,

WHILE ALL THE OTHER KIDS ARE SLEEPING,

SHE GOES OFF AND SHE SOLVES A CRIME

AND COMES BACK IN TIME FOR THE MILK AND COOKIES.

MILK AND COOKIES. EXACTLY. AND SHE'S BLIND.

SHE'S... OOH, THAT'LL GET PICKED UP IMMEDIATELY.

YES. OKAY.

MR. TORRES WILL SEE YOU NOW.

LET'S GO. AHEM.

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

YOU'RE TOO ANXIOUS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE INDIFFERENCE?

WHERE'S THE CONTEMPT

THAT YOU HAVE TO HAVE FOR THESE PEOPLE?

I HAVE IT.

THEY DISGUST YOU. YES... OH.

NOW, YOU GO SHOW HIM YOU GOT SOME OF THAT.

I GOT... OKAY. GO AHEAD.

WE'RE READY TO SEE NANDO.

LOOK, HE DOESN'T REALLY LIKE TO BE CALLED THAT.

I DON'T CARE.

AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK WE'RE READY TO SEE HIM?

HE'S GOT ANOTHER APPOINTMENT IN 10 MINUTES.

WE WILL SEE HIM NOW.

HEY.

HOW YOU DOING? THANKS FOR COMING.

THANK YOU. HOW YOU DOING?

THIS IS MY HEAD OF COMEDY DEVELOPMENT.

VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.

THIS IS PATRICK McGUIRE. HE'S AN INTERN FROM IRELAND.

BLACK IRISH.

TOP O' THE MORNING TO YOU.

HA HA HA HA.

PLEASE.

UH, WE'LL SIT.

WE ARE VERY EXCITED ABOUT "MY WIFE AND KID."

WE THINK YOUR CARTOON STRIP HAS THE POTENTIAL

TO BE TURNED INTO A BREAKTHROUGH TELEVISION SHOW.

WE THINK IT'S THE BEST THING SINCE "THE SIMPSONS."

OH, THANK YOU. WHICH CHARACTER DO YOU LIKE THE BEST?

WELL, I HAVEN'T ACTUALLY SEEN IT,

BUT FERNANDO SAYS THAT IT'S WONDERFUL.

OKAY, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER?

I HAVEN'T SEEN IT, BUT MY KIDS TOLD ME THEY LOVE IT,

AND THAT'S MY BAROMETER. THAT'S THE AUDIENCE.

YOU SEE, WE'RE AFTER THAT KEY DEMO...

12 TO 13 1/2.

OY, THE KEY DEMO.

IT'S THE KEY DEMO.

THAT'S WHERE ALL THE MONEY IS.

OH, SPEAKING OF MONEY,

WHAT KIND OF DEAL ARE YOU PREPARED TO OFFER ME?

WE'RE PREPARED TO OFFER YOU WRITERS' GUILD SCALE

PLUS 1% OF THE ADJUSTED GROSS ON THE BACK END.

1%? THAT'S FANTASTIC.

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG, MR. KYLE?

UH, JUST A FLY. JUST A FLY...

UM, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE WERE THINKING MORE 1 1/4.

I MEAN 2%.

YOU KNOW WHAT? HOW ABOUT 0%?

DAMN, MUST BE A BUNCH OF FLIES.

LOOK, NANDO...

I READ IN "TV GUIDE" MAGAZINE

WHERE THE GUY FROM "EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND"

IS MAKING

A MILLION DOLLARS AN EPISODE.

I WAS THINKING

I'D LIKE TO HAVE SOMETHING IN THAT BALLPARK.

WELL, RAYMOND DIDN'T START OFF MAKING THAT KIND OF MONEY.

THAT'S BECAUSE RAYMOND

DIDN'T HAVE ME AS HIS REPRESENTATIVE.

WE GOT THEM IN A HUDDLE. NOW THEY'RE ON THE DEFENSIVE.

NOW I'M GOING TO GO IN FOR THE KILL.

NOW I START ASKING FOR THE JET.

MAN, WE WANT THE GYM. WE WANT THE CHEF.

WE WANT THE MASSEUSE. WE WANT SOMEBODY

TO JUST OPEN UP YOUR BABY TOE AND GET THAT STUFF OUT.

YEAH, YEAH.

SO...

WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?

WE PASS.

PASS AS IN WE PASSED THE FIRST TEST,

AND YOU LIKE WHO WE ARE, AND YOU LIKE HOW I NEGOTIATED?

IT'S AS YOU'LL PASS CINDY ON THE WAY OUT.

[ Gasps ] THE RETURN OF THE MOGULS.

HAIL THE CONQUERING HERO!

HOW DID IT GO?

ASK MY DAD/AGENT.

WHAT HAPPENED?

OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED, OKAY?

IT WAS LIKE THIS...

WE, UM, WE WERE, LIKE, THIS CLOSE TO...

AHEM.

OKAY, WE WERE ACTUALLY THIS CLOSE... AHEM.

WE WERE SORT OF IN THE... AHEM.

WE WERE... HE BLEW IT, MOM.

MICHAEL, YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY ANYTHING.

I KNOW, BABY, BUT THEY WERE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIM,

AND I COULDN'T JUST SIT BACK AND LET THEM DO THAT TO MY SON.

YEAH, MOM, THEY WERE TRYING TO FORCE ME

TO HAVE A SHOW ON NETWORK TELEVISION.

IT WAS AWFUL.

SO HOW DID IT END UP?

THEY CALLED SECURITY, HAD US ESCORTED OUT OF THE BUILDING.

WHAT? YEAH, AND I'M GOING TO SUE THEM,

'CAUSE THEY PUT THE HANDCUFFS ON TOO TIGHT,

AND I THINK THEY MICHAEL JACKSONED MY SHOULDER.

I CAN'T EVEN MOVE... EE! IT HURTS... EE!

WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND.

YOU DON'T HAVE A SHOW?

WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING. DAD BLEW THE DEAL.

CAN'T YOU TAKE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE?

WE TRIED. WE CALLED ALL THE OTHER NETWORKS,

BUT APPARENTLY, SO DID FERNANDO.

BY THE TIME WE GOT DOWN TO THE CARTOON NETWORK,

THE SECURITY ALREADY HAD CARICATURES OF US.

I TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU,

I TOLD YOU THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.

I TOLD YOU YOU COULDN'T KEEP QUIET.

YOUR MOUTH IS BIG. I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU.

I DON'T HAVE 300 TEETH IN MY MOUTH.

MICHAEL, THIS IS NOT THE TIME RIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE NOT MAKING ME FEEL ANY BETTER.

I DON'T CA... HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?

ALL OF OUR HOPES AND DREAMS ARE THROWN OUT THE WINDOW

BECAUSE OF YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I'M SORRY.

OH, TELL IT TO THE HAND.

DOES SHE KNOW SHE LIVES IN MY HOUSE?

MICHAEL, SHE IS UPSET, AND I DON'T BLAME HER.

I KNOW, BABY, BUT... OH, TELL IT TO HER HAND.

UH-HUH.

COME ON, VANESSA.

SORRY.

I'M SORRY, SON.

"I'M SORRY" DOESN'T CUT IT, DAD.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE MY FATHER.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LOOK OUT FOR ME.

[ SOBBING ]

WHAT'S WRONG, TONY?

I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING, FRANKLIN, AND NONE OF IT WORKS.

FORGET CLAIRE. FORGET YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

SAVE YOURSELF.

OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!

TO KEEP YOUR ATTENTION.

WHAT I'M SAYING IS VERY IMPORTANT.

GROW A BACKBONE, TONY. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.

NO WOMAN WANTS A WHINY, SNIVELING LITTLE WEAKLING.

[ Sobbing ] YEAH. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

YOU'RE... YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT. BUT WHAT IF SHE REJECTS ME AGAIN?

OW!

WHAT WAS THAT ONE FOR?

TO MAN YOU UP, BECAUSE HERE SHE COMES.

OW!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

[ SOBBING AND GASPING ]

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M... NO.

[ GASPING ]

WHEW.

[ GASPING ]

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M DOING HERE, CLAIRE.

NOTHING'S EVER GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU,

AND YOU DON'T DESERVE ME.

YOU'RE A SHALLOW, VAIN, UNGRATEFUL LITTLE GIRL,

AND I'M A MAN...

A GOD-FEARING, RIGHTEOUS, UPSTANDING M-A-N... MAN.

PLUS I'M CUTE,

AND YOU'RE GOING TO MISS ALL THIS.

YEAH,ALL OF THIS.

AND YOU CAN WATCH IT AS IT WALKS RIGHT OUT THAT DOOR.

OH, YEAH.

AND HERE'S SOMETHING FOR YOU TO REMEMBER ME BY.

[ GASPS ]

[ GASPS ]

NOW THAT HAD OOMPH.

WAIT.

TONY, COME BACK! OOMPH ME AGAIN!

TONY!

Michael: HELLO, EVERYBODY.

MM-HMM. YEAH, HI.

HEY, COULD YOU ALL AT LEAST SAY SOMETHING INTELLIGIBLE?

HI, DREAM KILLER. I JUST HAD A HAPPY THOUGHT.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME OVER HERE AND STEP ON IT?

I WAS GOING TO GO REGISTER JUNIOR JR.

AT PRESCHOOL TOMORROW MORNING.

YOU WANT TO COME ALONG AND GET HIM KICKED OUT?

DOES SHE KNOW SHE EATING MY CRUMB CAKE?

SHE'S EATING MY CRUMB CAKE.

WELL, YOU ALL ARE GOING TO BE EATING

THOSE NASTY, MEAN WORDS YOU'RE SAYING TO ME IN A MOMENT,

BECAUSE I HAVE SOME SPECTACULAR NEWS.

[ Gasps ] WHAT, YOU SOLD THE HOUSE FROM UNDER US,

AND NOW WE HAVE TO LIVE IN A TRAILER!

CLOSE.

ACTUALLY, I'M KIDDING. HA HA HA.

LOOK...

LOOK, I KNOW YOU'VE ALL PROBABLY BEEN WONDERING,

WHERE HAVE I BEEN THESE PAST TWO DAYS?

FOR REAL, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT YOU ONE TIME.

I GOT... MY HEAD IS...

WELL, IN CASE... IN CASE YOU WAS WORRIED...

I WAS ONLINE.

GREAT. WHY?

WELL, LOOK,

IT'S UP TO YOU, JUNIOR, IF YOU WANT TO ACCEPT THIS OR NOT,

BUT IN AN EFFORT TO REDEEM MYSELF,

I STRUCK A DEAL...

HA HA HA HA...

I STRUCK A DEAL TO SELL YOUR IDEA

TO A STARTUP INTERNET COMPANY.

REALLY?

YES. NOW, THE MONEY IS NOT AS GOOD

AS, SAY, "NETWORK TELEVISION,"

BUT THE MERCHANDISING COULD BE HUGE, AND...

YOU'LL OWN IT.

WOW, DAD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

JUNIOR, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING.

I OWE YOU THIS.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, JUNIOR?

ANYTIME YOU DO SOMETHING STUPID,

I ALWAYS POP YOU IN THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD, RIGHT THERE.

YEAH.

AW, IT MAKE ME WANT TO HIT IT RIGHT NOW.

YEAH... OH, OH...

THAT'S THE SWEET SPOT

RIGHT HERE.

BUT...

I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT.

OKAY.

I'M GOING TO LET YOU...

I'M GIVING YOU PERMISSION THIS TIME

TO POP ME IN THE BACK OF THE...

OOH, JUNIOR.

HA HA HA!

YEAH!

Vanessa: THAT'S MY BABY!

HERE WE...

GET IT, BABY, GET IT, GET IT. NICE AND GOOD.

RIGHT THERE, RIGHT ON THE... HA HA.

HERE WE GO.

AAH!

AAH, I CAN'T DO IT, DAD.

WELL, I CAN. I CAN.

HEY, HEY, DO YOU KNOW

THAT YOU SLEEPING IN MY HOUSE?

HA HA. I'M JUST KIDDING, MR. KYLE.

I'M NOT. OOH, OOH, OOH.

OKAY, I'VE HOOKED UP THE COMPUTER TO THE BIG SCREEN

SO WE CAN WATCH THE ONLINE DOWNLOAD

ON THE SATELLITE UPLINK.

YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET ALL THAT FANCY-SCHMANCY TALK

AND LET'S TURN THE THING ON, KID.

[ APPLAUSE ]

YOUR DAD CAME BY AGAIN TODAY

ASKING FOR SOME MONEY.

NOT AGAIN.

HE OUGHT TO BE HAPPY I LET HIM

AND HIS BIG HEAD LIVE IN THE GARAGE

[ ALL LAUGHING ]

HEY, SON. I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU.

I GOT A BOOK FOR MY GRANDBABY.

HE'S ONLY 3 MONTHS OLD. HE CAN'T READ.

IT DOESN'T MATTER. THE BOOK'S IN SPANISH.

YOU SURE ARE DUMB.

OW!

WELL, LET ME GET RIGHT TO THE POINT.

I NEED SOME MONEY.

YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY.

WHY NOT? WE GOT PLENTY OF MONEY.

WE'RE RICH.

NO, DAD, I'VE GOT MONEY.

YOU'RE BROKE.

Michael: OH, NO. LOOK AT THAT.

Woman: WHAT'S GOING ON IN THIS KITCHEN?

OH, LORD, HERE COME YOUR MAMA.

HOLD ON!

RUFUS IS STUCK AGAIN.

[ ALL LAUGHING ]

WHEN ARE YOU TWO GOING TO MOVE OUT

AND GET A PLACE OF YOUR OWN?

WHEN YOU SAY "YOU TWO," DO YOU MEAN ME AND YOUR MOM,

AND DO YOU MEAN ME AND YOUR MAMA'S BUTT?

OH, I GOT YOUR BUTT, ALL RIGHT.

I KNOW YOU DO. YOU BETTER BRING IT UP WITH HIM, WOMAN.

OH, MAN. THIS IS GREAT STUFF.

YEAH, THAT'S GREAT STUFF.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK, MAMA?

UH...

IT'S FUNNY, NO BUTS ABOUT THAT.

SO DO YOU FORGIVE ME?

OF COURSE I DO, JUNIOR,

AND I WISH YOU NOTHING BUT THE BEST.

OH, THANK YOU. SO DOES RUFUS.

OH, THANKS, MAN.

[ As Rufus ] YOU'RE WELCOME.

[ ALL LAUGH ]

OH, SO WHAT ABOUT YOU, DAD? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

SON, I THINK YOU HAVE A BIG HIT ON YOUR HANDS.

REALLY? YEP.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? NOTHING.

YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HIT THE SWEET SPOT?

NO, HEY, HEY.

COME HERE. I'M PROUD OF YOU, BOY.

OH, THANK YOU, DAD.

HA HA HA.

"TOON" IS ACTUALLY A SIMILE.

I'M ONTO SOMETHING HERE. OKAY.

NOW, "TOON" IS THE OTHER WORD

IN "CARTOON," RIGHT?

"TOON"... HA HA.

OKAY.

AND TUNE IN TO THEIR THOUGHT PROCESS, HENCE...

HA HA HA.