Original subtitles

HEY!

I CHALLENGE YOU TO A WATER-DRINKING DUEL.

WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU HEARD ME... A WATER-DRINKING DUEL,

MANO A MANO, AGUA A AGUA.

TO THE VICTOR GO THE SPOILS. HA!

[ Laughing ] AND WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF YOU BEATING ME IN EVERY CONTEST WE HAVE.

YOU'RE TALLER THAN ME, STRONGER, FASTER. BETTER-LOOKING.

YEAH, YOU'RE SEXY WITH YOUR BROAD SHOULDERS AND YOUR DEFINED PECS.

BUT I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO OUTFOOSBALL YOU.

I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO OUTBOX YOU.

I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO OUTRUN YOU.

BUT I CAN DRINK A BOTTLE OF WATER FASTER THAN YOU.

I'VE BEEN PRACTICING.

AND YOU REALLY WANT TO DO THIS?

I BELIEVE I MUST.

OKAY. I MUST WARN YOU THAT I'M GONNA BEAT YOU AGAIN.

I LAUGH ON YOUR LAPEL. HA HA!

YOU MAY BE SUPERMAN,

BUT THIS BOTTLE OF WATER IS YOUR KRYPTONITE... READY?

OKAY, HOLD ON A SECOND. LET ME WARM UP MY THROAT.

OH-OH-UG-UG-UG-UG-UG.

OKAY. ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO.

GO! OH, MAN.

OH, MAN, I CAN'T... WHOA.

LOOK AT... WHOO! OH, MAN.

I WIN! IN YOUR FACE, DADDY! IN YOUR FACE!

BOOYASHAKA!

WOW. I DIDN'T EVEN GET THE CAP OFF.

YOU GOOD. ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THE BEST TWO OUT OF THREE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

EY-EY-EY-EY-EY.

OKAY.

HERE'S YOUR TWO AND THEN THERE'S THE THREE.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

YOU GOT THE CAP OFF THIS TIME?

READY... SET... GO!

GO!

WOW. HOW YOU... MMM.

KEEP GOING, 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO DO THREE.

I WIN AGAIN, DADDY! IN YOUR FACE, DADDY!

IN YOUR FACE! YOU BEEN HYDROLATED.

OH, MAN, YOU BEAT ME AGAIN.

I SURE DID.

YOU'VE BEEN...

I BEAT YOU.

WOW. YOU GOT TO GIVE ME ANOTHER SHOT, SON.

LET'S DO THE BEST 52 OUT OF 165, OKAY?

OKAY, OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

YOU'RE JUST IN TIME FOR THE KYLE WATER-DRINKING COMPETITION.

JUNIOR IS LIKE A LITTLE CAMEL. LOOK AT THIS.

ALL OF THAT, AND STILL AIN'T GO TO THE BATHROOM YET.

YEAH, I DID.

YOU DID? WHEN? JUST NOW.

OH.

WELL, FORGET ABOUT ALL THAT.

I HAVE SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT TO DISCUSS.

THIS SATURDAY IS SWEETHEART'S DAY.

SWEETHEART'S DAY? I NEVER HEARD OF THAT ONE.

I JUST MADE IT UP.

YOU WANT ME TO BUY YOU A CARD FOR A DAY YOU JUST MADE UP?

WHOA, BROTHER.

I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT A CARD.

I WANT DIAMONDS.

DIAMONDS.

I NEED TO COME UP WITH A HOLIDAY THAT'S FAKE LIKE THIS.

YOU DO, BUT YOU DIDN'T... I DID.

GOT IT. HA HA HA!

OH, YOU'RE IN THIS LITTLE SCAM, TOO?

YEAH, I WANT SOME DIAMONDS, TOO.

AFTER 16 HOURS LAYING ON MY BACK,

TRYING TO SQUEEZE JUNIOR JUNIOR'S BIG HEAD OUT,

I WANT A DIAMOND FOR EVERY STITCH.

DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE STRETCH MARKS, GIRL.

[ LAUGHING ]

I DIDN'T GET ANY OF THOSE.

[ COUGHING ]

I PROMISE I'LL GET YOU SOMETHING.

FOR WHAT? SWEETHEART'S DAY.

WHAT'S THAT? YOUR MOTHER JUST MADE IT UP

TO EXTORT PRESENTS OUT OF ALL THE MEN IN THIS FAMILY.

WELL, THAT SOUNDS GOOD. COUNT ME IN.

OKAY, SO NOW THAT WE GOT ALL THAT STRAIGHT,

Y'ALL CAN GO BACK TO YOUR STUPID LITTLE DRINKING CONTEST.

BYE-BYE. COME ON, LADIES.

ALL RIGHT, JUNIOR, LOOK.

WE GOT TO MAKE THIS INTERESTING, OKAY?

WE GOT TO UP THE ANTE, BECAUSE YOU'RE SO GOOD AT THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS WHAT WE GONNA DO.

OKAY. [ GROANS ]

NOW LET'S SEE HOW GOOD YOU REALLY ARE.

YOU DRINK THIS.

GO AHEAD. COME ON. YOU THE CHAMP.

HERE. TAKE THE TOP OFF FOR YOU.

READY?

ON THE COUNT OF 3... LET ME GET THE TOP OFF FIRST,

'CAUSE I KNOW YOU'LL JUST GUZZLE THAT DOWN RIGHT AWAY.

COME ON. 1... 2... 3... GO!

MM-MMM.

Michael: WOW, THAT CERTAINLY IS IS BEAUTIFUL.

HOW MUCH IS IT?

MICHAEL JORDAN!

EXCUSE ME?

I DON'T USE THE LORD'S NAME IN VAIN.

I SAY THE NEXT BEST THING. THAT'S... THAT'S EXPENSIVE.

CAN YOU BELIEVE MY WIFE

ACTUALLY MADE UP A HOLIDAY CALLED "SWEETHEART'S DAY"

SO SHE CAN GET SOME DIAMONDS OUT OF ME?

OH, YOU GOT OFF EASY.

I ONCE MADE UP A HOLIDAY CALLED "HONEY'S WEEK."

I GOT MYSELF A HOUSE.

OH, WELL, THE DIAMONDS ARE NOT THAT BAD, THEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET ME SEE THE CHEAPER ONE I WAS LOOKING AT EARLIER.

YEAH, THESE.

THAT'S NOT THAT BAD, I MEAN, FOR SWEETHEART'S DAY.

IT'S JUST A NONSENSE HOLIDAY, ANYWAY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK IT LOOKS LIKE WHAT IT IS...

THE CHEAPER ONE.

SO I SHOULD PROBABLY GO WITH THAT?

SHE WILL LOVE IT.

DO YOU WANT IT IN THE GOLD SETTING OR THE PLATINUM?

GOLD OR PLATINUM... THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

LET ME CALL HER AND ASK HER... SEE WHAT MY BABY THINK.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE WEARING MY SHIRT!

IT'S TOO TIGHT ON YOU!

IT FITS ME PERFECTLY, YOU LITTLE MAGGOT!

WHAT'S THE POINT OF WEARING A SHIRT THAT'S NOT TIGHT?!

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY YOU HAVE TO WEAR MY CLOTHES!

BECAUSE IT WAS CLEAN!

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, IHEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

LOOK, MY HEAD IS POUNDING FROM ALL OF THIS ARGUING, OKAY?!

I AM TRYING TO FEED THE BABY.

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ] GET THAT. I'M SURE IT'S FOR ONE OF YOU.

ANYONE I WANT TO TALK TO CALLS MY CELL. DITTO.

I'LL GET IT.

HELLO?

Michael: HEY, SCHNOOKUMS.

IS THIS MY FAVORITE GIRL IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD?

WHO IS THIS?

WHO IS... IT'S MICHAEL.

MICHAEL?

YEAH, MICHAEL, YOUR HUSBAND.

OKAY, MICHAEL, CUT THE CUTE CRAP, OKAY?

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING.

YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY, SAY IT.

I'M... YOU KNOW WHAT? NEVER MIND.

FINE.

SHE IS GOING TO LOVE THIS.

SHE SURE IS... I'M GONNA SEND HER BY AND LET HER LOOK AT IT,

BUT I'M GONNA GO WITH THE CHEAPER ONE.

DO YOU WANT ME TO WRAP IT?

NO. I'LL JUST PUT IT IN MY POCKET.

I'M WITH THAT.

OOH-HOO!

ALL RIGHT. I'M GONNA SEE YOUR TWO PRETZELS

AND RAISE YOU FIVE WITH THIS HAND.

HAS ANYONE BOUGHT THEIR GIFT YET?

NO, NO. I HAVE TO GO DO THAT.

YEAH, ME TOO.

I DISCOVERED SOMETHING TODAY

THAT WILL CHANGE THE COURSE OF GIFT-GIVING

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

WHAT DID YOU DISCOVER?

CHECK THIS OUT.

JUST BEFORE I SPENT A BUNCH OF MONEY

ON A GIFT FOR YOUR MOTHER,

I CALLED HER AT HOME, AND SHE WAS SO MEAN AND NASTY TO ME,

I ENDED UP BUYING THE CHEAPER GIFT INSTEAD.

WHOO. THAT IS GOOD.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CALL YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER ON THE PHONE

RIGHT BEFORE YOU'RE ABOUT TO MAKE A PURCHASE,

AND I GUARANTEE YOU, YOU WILL SAVE YOURSELF A FORTUNE.

THAT IS A GOOD IDEA, DAD.

SEE, WHAT YOU DO IS YOU CALL HER,

AND THEN YOU RATE HER ATTITUDE TOWARD YOU ON A 1-TO-10 SCALE.

AND THEN, WHATEVER THAT NUMBER IS,

THAT'S HOW YOU DETERMINE HOW MUCH YOU'RE GONNA SPEND ON HER.

HUH? HUH?

I THINK WHAT MR. KYLE IS TRYING TO SAY IS,

IF YOU CALL YOUR GIRL AND RATE HER ATTITUDE TOWARD YOU AS 7,

THEN THAT'S HOW MUCH MONEY YOU'D SPEND ON HER... $70.

EXACTLY, AND IT'S GUILT-FREE SAVINGS.

OOH. HEY, DAD. WHAT DID YOU RATE MOM TODAY?

[ LAUGHS ]

A 3.

OH, MAN.

MAMA GOT A 3, Y'ALL.

OH, THAT IS A DARN GOOD SAVINGS.

HERE'S THE GIFT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS HOW I'M GONNA GIVE IT TO HER...

"HERE'S YOUR GIFT, BABY. HAPPY SWEETHEART'S DAY."

OH.

SO, FRANKIE, BABY, DID YOU TRY OUT MY PLAN?

YES, AND, AS MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO TELL YOU, MR. KYLE,

KADY WAS A TAD SHORT WITH ME ON THE PHONE, AS WELL.

ISN'T EVERYBODY SHORT WITH YOU, FRANKLIN?

[ LAUGHING ]

SIT DOWN, BOY.

DID YOU TRY OUT THE SYSTEM?

YEP, AND IT SAVED ME $20.

OH, SHE WAS MEAN TO YOU ON THE PHONE?

YEAH, I THINK SO. SHE CALLED ME "THE THING STUCK TO THE RING."

OH, THAT IS GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.

LOOK AT THOSE WOMEN IN THERE.

THEY HAVE NO IDEA THAT THEY HURT THEMSELVES BY HURTING US.

Tony: HEY, GUYS.

OH, TONY'S HERE. DID YOU TRY OUT THE SYSTEM?

I'M ABOUT TO.

THIS IS A PROMISE RING I GOT FROM A JEWELRY STORE,

AND THIS IS A PROMISE RING I GOT FROM A GUMBALL MACHINE

OUTSIDE OF THE JEWELRY STORE.

LET'S SEE WHICH ONE SHE GETS AND WHICH ONE GETS RETURNED.

HERE SHE COMES.

HEY, SWEETHEART.

DON'T "SWEETHEART" ME.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE A HALF HOUR AGO.

EVERYBODY ELSE IS HERE. WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, YOU LOSER?

NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

GUMBALL MACHINE? GUMBALL MACHINE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS, AND I WANT TO GO FIRST

TO SHOW YOU GUYS HOW THE PRO GETS IT DONE.

LADIES, LADIES, MAY WE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

YOU SURE MAY.

IN HONOR OF SWEETHEART'S DAY,

CREATED BY THE LOVELY SWEETHEART HERSELF,

MS. JANET MARIE KYLE,

WE THE MEN IN YOUR LIVES HAVE GIFTS FOR YOU.

OH!

AND I, BEING THE ELDER STATESMAN,

WOULD LIKE TO GO FIRST.

OH! I'M FIRST.

JAY KYLE, OPEN YOUR GIFT, BABY.

THANK YOU, BABY!

THANK YOU FOR MY DIAMOND... PEARLS.

THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL, AREN'T THEY?

UM...

YES, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL, MICHAEL.

AND, YOU KNOW, MICHAEL, IT'S NOT THE GIFT.

IT'S THE THOUGHT, IT'S THE ACKNOWLEDGMENT

THAT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME, SO THANK YOU.

IF YOU LIKED THOSE, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN

WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE GOT IF YOU HADN'T BEEN... OH!

YOU SEE THAT HORNET?

THERE WAS A HORNET THAT LANDED RIGHT THERE ON YOUR HEAD, MAN.

GOOD THING I CHASED IT AWAY.

I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO GET STUNG.

WELL, THANK YOU FOR SAVING, MR. KYLE.

BUT AS I WAS SAYING TO MRS. KYLE, YOU... OW!

IT MUST HAVE COME BACK. ARE YOU USING HONEY SHAMPOO?

NO! NO, LAVENDER.

OH, MAN. BUT AS I WAS SAYING...

LISTEN, STUPID!

HE'S-KA TRYING-KA

TO-KA TELL-KA YOU-KA

NOT-KA TO-KA SAY ANYTHING-KA

ABOUT THE WOMEN RATING SYSTEM-KA.

IT'S A SECRET. SHH-KA.

WHAT THE KA IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?

OH, NO, NO. SHE BROKE THE CODE, MAN.

OHH. MNH-MNH-MNH.

SOMEBODY BETTER TELL ME SOMETHING.

IT'S A REALLY FUNNY STORY.

I WILL PROTECT YOU, TONY. GO AHEAD. TALK TO ME.

MR. KYLE HAD THIS INTERESTING NEW IDEA WHERE,

BEFORE WE BOUGHT YOU GUYS A GIFT,

WE CALLED YOU AND RATED YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARD US

ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10.

IT WAS A GAG.

YOU GOT A 3.

A 3?!

A 3?!

THE SCALE WAS ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 3,

AND IT WAS BACKWARDS, AND SO YOU CAME OUT ON TOP.

NO, NO, NO, IT WASN'T.

BUT... BUT IT WASN'T JUST ME, BABY.

WE ALL DID IT... ALL THE GUYS.

WE ALL GOT YOU... YEAH, WE DID. SHOW HER YOUR GIFT.

FOR YOU, MY LOVE.

[ GASPS ] DIAMONDS, FRANKLIN.

HOW SWEET. SO CUTE.

WELL, I KNOW TONY, TONY...

YOU KNOW, TONY'S PROBABLY GOT SOMETHING.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, TONY?

GIVE HER THE GUMBALL THING.

NO, I GOT THAT FOR MY MOM.

ANYWAY, THIS IS FOR YOU.

[ GASPS ] OH, A DIAMOND.

TONY, THANK YOU. OH, I LOVE IT.

[ SMOOCHES ]

I KNOW JUNIOR DIDN'T GET NO DIAMOND, RIGHT?

YOU'RE TOO DUMB TO GET HER DIAMONDS.

NO, I'M NOT. NO?

BABY, I GOT YOU THE DIAMOND YOU WANTED

WHEN WE FIRST STARTED DATING.

I SAVED UP MONEY FOR IT BY SKIPPING LUNCH, GIVING BLOOD,

AND SELLING MY HAIR FOR HAIR TRANSPLANTS.

ANYWAY, HAPPY SWEETHEART'S DAY, BABY.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL. THANK YOU, JU-JU!

YOU'RE WELCOME, BABY!

MMM! MMM! MMM! MMM! MMM! MMM!

I LOVE YOU, TONY!

I LOVE YOU, FRANKLIN.

YOU A JERK.

OH, HE WAS GONNA THROW IT ON YOUR HEAD LIKE THAT.

REMEMBER THAT? OH!

Jay: UNBELIEVABLE.

THE MAN RATES ME A 3... A 3, LORD.

Jay: UNBELIEVABLE.

THE MAN RATES ME A 3... A 3, LORD.

I SHOULD BE A 6 FOR JUST MARRYING HIM.

COME ON, JAY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT TO THE LORD.

THIS IS NO BIG DEAL.

MICHAEL, YOU SAID I WAS A 3... A 3? A 3, MICHAEL?!

OKAY, BUT, LISTEN, IN ALL FAIRNESS TO ME,

YOU WERE REALLY MEAN WHEN I CALLED YOU FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

NO REASON?!

WHAT DO YOU THINK... I'M JUST PSYCHOTIC?

THAT I JUST GO BERSERK AT THE DROP OF A DIME?

WELL... SHUT UP!

MICHAEL, THERE WAS A REASON WHY I WAS SHORT WITH YOU.

THIS HOUSE WAS IN CHAOS.

THE KIDS WERE FIGHTING. I WAS TRYING TO FEED THE BABY.

I AM VERY SORRY

THAT I DIDN'T GIVE YOU THE PROPER LOVE AND AFFECTION

YOU FELT YOU HAD COMING AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT,

BUT I MISTAKENLY THOUGHT

THAT YOU WERE THE ONLY MAN ON EARTH I COULD BE UNGUARDED WITH.

SEE, BUT, AT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT...

AND LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT PARTICULAR MOMENT, SHALL WE?

YES, WE SHALL.

NOW, YOU ARE SAYING TO ME... [ LAUGHING ]

...IN THIS BIG SCHEME OF YOURS,

THAT ANY EXPRESSION OF LOVE THAT YOU GIVE TO ME

IS SOLELY DEPENDENT UPON HOW I ACT TOWARDS YOU

AT SOME PARTICULAR RANDOM MOMENT OF YOUR CHOOSING.

WELL, THAT'S THE INITIAL IDEA, BUT...

AND I GUESS I GET NO CREDIT FOR RUINING MY BODY...

AND GIVING BIRTH TO YOUR THREE BIG-HEADED KIDS.

WHAT WAS MY SCORE ON THAT, MICHAEL?

AND WHAT WAS MY SCORE

WHEN I WAS WORKING THE NIGHT SHIFT AT THE SUPERMARKET,

TRYING TO HELP YOU GET YOUR TRUCKING COMPANY OFF THE GROUND,

AFTER WATCHING LITTLE JUNIOR ALL DAY LONG?

AND WHAT WAS MY SCORE ON LOVING YOU

WHILE YOU WERE LOSING YOUR HAIR?

"AM I LOSING MY HAIR? AM I LOSING MY HAIR?

IS MY HAIR ON THE PILLOW? IS IT THIN IN THE BACK?

IS IT THIN IN THE BACK? IS IT THIN IN THE BACK?"

WHAT WAS MY SCORE ON THAT, BALDY?!

10?

DAMN RIGHT IT WAS A 10!

MICHAEL, NOT ONLY DID YOU HURT ME, BUT YOU DID IT PUBLICLY.

YOU MADE A JOKE OUT OF IT. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

IT DIDN'T GO THAT FAR BACK.

OKAY, WHO WANTS MORE BLUEBERRY WAFFLES?

ME, ME! ME, ME! ME, ME!

ROUND TWO... COMING UP.

Michael: HOLD UP.

ARE THOSE JAY'S FAMOUS BLUEBERRY WAFFLES THAT I SMELL?

THEY SURE ARE.

ONLY THING I LOVE MORE THAN THOSE WAFFLES IS JAY HERSELF.

[ LAUGHS ] 4.

YOU'RE RATING ME ON WALKING INTO THE KITCHEN?

I'M SORRY. DOES THAT SEEM UNFAIR TO YOU?

DON'T YOU LIKE BEING JUDGED AT MY WHIM?

I DON'T MIND. I JUST THOUGHT I DID BETTER THAN A 4.

THERE'S NO JURY HERE, MICHAEL. THERE'S NO INSTANT REPLAY.

IT'S ALL UP TO ME, AND I SAY 4!

4?

HERE. ENJOY YOUR BREAKFAST.

WHAT'S THIS... UNCOOKED BACON?

WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?

WHAT ABOUT THE BLUEBERRY WAFFLES?

NO, THE BLUEBERRY WAFFLES ARE FOR MY 10s.

EVERYBODY HERE GOT A 10?

10. 10.10.

10-KA.

ENJOY YOUR BACON.

HOW'S THAT LOOK, SON? CAN YOU TELL THAT IT'S BACON?

THAT'S YOU.

OKAY.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

CAN WE STOP THIS ALREADY? 2.

WHAT'S THAT? I GIVE YOUR APOLOGY... A 2.

AND WHAT DO I GET FOR A 2?

OH, WELL, FOR A 10, YOU WOULD HAVE GOTTEN ALL OF THIS,

MICHAEL, ALL NIGHT LONG, IN THE OUTFIT OF YOUR CHOICE.

AND FOR THE 2?

FOR THE 2, YOU GET 5 MINUTES ALONE IN THE BATHROOM

WITH A COPY OF "TROUT MONTHLY"

AND NONE OF THIS...

NONE OF THIS, MICHAEL.

NONE OF THIS.

NONE. NONE.

FRANKLIN, I'VE GOT A PROBLEM.

OHH, THAT'S THE UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR.

YOU'VE GOT MANY PROBLEMS,

BUT WHICH PROBLEM IN PARTICULAR DO YOU WANT ME TO FOCUS ON?

THE SWEETHEART'S DAY PROBLEM.

OH, SO YOU MEAN THE SWEETHEART'S DAY "DEBACLE"?

YOU MEAN THE SWEETHEART'S DAY "MASSACRE"?

YOU MEAN THE NIGHTMARE ON "SWEETHEART'S DAY"?

"YES, THAT'S WHAT I MEAN."

LOOK, MR. KYLE,

AS SOON AS TONY OPENED HIS BIG MOUTH, YOU WERE DOOMED.

NOW ALL YOU CAN DO IS ADMIT YOU WERE WRONG, GROVEL,

AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.

I'VE DONE ALL THAT,

AND IT'S STILL GOT ME SLEEPING ON THE COUCH.

WELL, YOU HAVE TO MAKE MRS. KYLE FEEL LIKE SHE'S A 10.

AND HOW DO I DO THAT?

SIMPLE... LAVISH HER WITH "AT-TEN-TION."

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND WHAT IF THAT DOESN'T WORK?

WELL, THEN, IT BECOMES SWEETHEART'S DAY OF "THE CORN."

[ LAUGHING ]

[ LAUGHING ]

WHAT'S ALL THIS?

MMM. SOMETHING SMELLS GOOD.

[ French accent ] THE SOMETHING YOU SMELL IS A PORK ROAST,

BROWNING LOVINGLY AND GLAZED TO PERFECTION

IN THE "HHH-OVEN."

IN THE HHH-OVEN?

IN THE HHH-OVEN.

AND WHY ARE YOU IN A TUX?

BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO LOOK GOOD FOR MY...

HOW DO YOU SAY... BABY.

AND WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?

WELL, SO THEY WOULD NOT BOTHER US FOR THE EVENING,

I HAD THEM ALL KILLED.

OH.

THAT'S ACTUALLY KADY IN THE OVEN AND COOKING RIGHT NOW.

OH, HOW DELIGHTFUL.

OH, YES, PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT, MADEMOISELLE.

THANK YOU.

MAY I POUR YOU A GLASS OF VINO?

YOU MAY.

[ CHUCKLES ] THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH, OH.

I WILL JOIN YOU.

NOW, MAY I MASSAGE YOUR FEET?

NO, MICHAEL, THAT'S GOING TOO FAR.

Shh!

LET ME MASSAGE THE LOVELY FEET, POUR A LITTLE WINE.

NO, MICHAEL, THAT'S UNNECESSARY. NO... AAH!

LUBRICANT AND TO KILL THE GERMS.

WHOA-OH.

HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

OOH.

IT FEELS GOOD, HUH, YES? OOH.

YES? NO?

YES. I'LL TAKE THAT AS "YES."

OKAY, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

NO. I LOVE THE FEET.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

OKAY, LISTEN, I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I REALLY DO, AND I REALLY APPRECIATE IT,

BUT I'M NOT READY TO NOT BE ANGRY AT YOU.

I'M SORRY.

[ Normal voice ] I KNOW. AND I DON'T BLAME YOU.

HERE'S THE APOLOGY I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU EARLIER.

JAY, I WAS WRONG.

YOU AND I HAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT TOGETHER,

AND EVEN THOUGH WE HAD UPS AND DOWNS,

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME.

I LOST SIGHT OF THAT,

BUT I DO LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU FOR GIVING ME THREE BIG-HEADED KIDS.

AND I LOVE YOU FOR BEING THE BEST WOMAN

THAT A MAN COULD EVER HAVE.

AND AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

WITH YOU, EVERY DAY IS SWEETHEART'S DAY...

...EVEN THOUGH YOU MADE IT UP.

DO YOU REALLY MEAN THAT, MICHAEL?

I REALLY DO. YOU'LL ALWAYS BE A 10 TO ME.

THANK YOU.

WELL?

UH, YEAH.

UM...

9.

A 9? I SEE 9.

I'M SORRY. IT'S A 9. 9's GOOD.

OKAY, WELL, YOU'RE DEFINITELY GONNA MAKE IT A 10

ONCE YOU SEE THE DIAMOND I GOT YOU.

[ GASPS ] WHERE IS IT?

I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.

IT'S DEFINITELY A RING.

WHOO! [ LAUGHING ]

COME ON, JAY. I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS.

CAN WE STOP THIS ALREADY?

[ LAUGHING ]

IT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF LIKE A FUNNY...

I WILL PROTECT YOU. GO AHEAD...

THERE'S A BEE.

GO UPSTAIRS AND GET SOMETHING...

YOU BETTER PUT SOMETHING ON THAT... SOME OINTMENT.

[ LAUGHTER ]