Original subtitles

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THE FUNNIEST SHOW ON EARTH

Ladies and gentlemen, I am here to introduce to you

the first color 3-D film made in Italy.

Three-dimensional cinema, like all respected innovations,

has its supporters and its detractors.

We believe we shouldn't give up the old system,

even if the new one offers us the opportunity

to toss a flower to a beautiful lady

or to splash that spectator

watching with an incredulous and slightly obnoxious air.

Even without glasses!

We can have excellent results with no discomfort,

featuring solid, stimulating imagery.

Take, for example, these girls.

Come on, ladies!

They look ready to participate in one of the many beauty contests.

What do you think?

Do they not seem three-dimensional enough?

Well, hold your opinions till the end.

Our story takes place in the fascinating world of the circus.

The crowds who frequent these shows

are made up of people from every walk of life, of all ages.

Of course, women go to complain about the tigers...

men go to laugh with the clowns...

children go to watch the dancers.

Between shows, the crowds visit Luna Park,

whose great attraction is the wax museum.

And here, as you can see for yourself,

you really find folks in every color.

Here is a Black woman showing

white men dressed in blue

the red and yellow statues!

The boss of the circus, like all bosses,

is the bully type,

an authoritarian and an exhibitionist,

and he imposes on all his employees

the harsh rules everyone has to live by.

Indeed, Tania, the beautiful and reckless acrobat

who performs dangerous feats every evening,

also serves humbly as the attendant at the "Turk's Head" attraction.

Pay attention now! This is Karl.

When he hasn't been drinking, he is a lion tamer.

When he's drunk, his wife steps in,

the charming May,

who is used to treating animals as if they were men,

and treating men like animals.

And that's why her husband tries to forget it,

thinking instead of Dorothy, the playmaker,

who in addition to everything else also rides and sings.

The show is the only real concern of the circus dwellers.

But look-- look at this gentleman.

It is Tottons.

Tottons has another concern:

He is hiding a dark and terrible secret.

The circus life is simple and quiet.

Disturbing this tranquility is the arrival of a certain character.

Here he is! Here he is!

A character you will know at once!

Our story really begins with his arrival.

And since he is coming, I am going!

May, Tania, Dorothy!

- Bastian is here! - Bastian?

Bastian! Oh, Bastian!

Do you remember that wonderful night in Paris...

[speaking French]

- Oui, oui, oui. - My darling!

Do you remember that exciting night in Liverpool?

Yes, yes.

And our wonderful night in Munich?

Jawohl.

And our unforgettable passion in Stockholm?

Say, Mark, why is Tottons always made up?

Listen, Bastian, there's three reasons:

first, he has a secret;

second, it's none of your business;

and third, if all makeup is removed from this fascinating face,

women might faint-- maybe even die from a stroke!

Is that clear? Do you understand, Bastian?

Enough is enough!

We need to keep our minds on the show. Now go!

- Tottons? - Eh?

- Circus men have to do it all. - I know.

This is the excuse you use to make me clean the ring,

make me wash the laundry, and make me brush the elephants' teeth.

Ah... that's not enough.

- I love May. - Well, tell her yourself!

- No... you have to go in there. - Not even for a dream!

I don't want anything to do with women!

Better I should look after the giraffes.

Coward!

Do you have sawdust in your veins?

Do you understand?

You don't have to watch, not even from a distance.

- Why? - He prefers my great beauty.

But you look like a broomstick disguised as a woman!

Me, a broomstick?!

Girls, girls! What's going on? Why are you fighting?

- What's going on? - Come on, Tottons.

Which of us is the most beautiful?

Which of you two is the most beautiful?

Well... at a glance... you're both awfully cute.

My goodness. Cross an eye...

and she is a bit thinner.

- Yes, but not by much. - Am I so scrawny?

Tell the truth: Am I really that skinny? Look!

- Am I skinny? - Don't look!

- Tell me the truth! Come on, speak! - Yes.

Do I look like a broomstick in disguise?

My dear, if all broomsticks were like you, I would switch jobs immediately!

Do you know what I would do? Start sweeping!

But she looks like a hen!

A hen? Did you say hen?

This is why I feel such a deep physical attraction-- archaeological, even!

- Do you see this stuffed owl? -Stuffed owl!

Look at me!

- What are you saying? - And what am I supposed to say?

This is the greatest show on earth!

That said, I am an owl-- a stuffed owl!

Look at me! Are these made of straw?

Listen, you're not made of straw, but, damn it, I am not made of wood!

Here.

Suppose you were Paris. Who would you give the apple to?

Who should I give it to?

- To me! - To me!

What a horned dilemma. In fact, it is bi-horned... there are two!

Who should I give it to?

- To me! - To me!

I would not like you, modern Paris.

I would not want to start a new Trojan War.

I beg your pardon! How dare you look in here,

in a private caravan, where two women stand half-clothed!

Turn around! But look a bit.

But look a bit!

Come on girls, get dressed. Let's go.

Tottons, your judgment doesn't interest me.

Oh, yeah? Don't you care?

Bastian's opinion counts for me. You get it?

And why did you come here?

- Marco, the boss, sent me. - And what does he want?

What does he want? That one?

- You know what he wants! - No.

No? I tell you.

- He says he's in love with you. - With me?

He says he would put his heart at your feet.

- Believe it if you like. - I'm not stupid.

Good for you, you're not stupid!

Because if you only knew what he wants to do with you...

- What? - Don't you know? I'll tell you.

Hold the dog.

He would like to hug you close, close-- like this!

Close-- close, like this!

- But do you understand? - Just let him try!

You're right, he may try!

And not only that, while he holds you close like this,

he would also like to kiss you.

A kiss?

Just one kiss... if only he could be satisfied with just one kiss!

One million, one billion, 325, 385!

- Just let him try! - He just may try!

That man is a sensual scoundrel, also capable of...

Ay, ay, ay, ay.

I get it. Come.

I think you should give in to the boss's advances.

The boss is actually a decent person.

He's a gentleman, a gentleman, I tell you!

You must love him with your heart,

with... your spleen, your liver, your guts!

Do you understand? You owe him. You have to attract him.

You have to hold him tight in your arms!

Hold him tight!

You have to give him a big kiss here on the forehead, like this.

A nice big kiss-- first squeeze him, and then... pow!

A kiss here. And if he's not happy with one,

you give him two, three, four... endlessly!

As long as you kill him with kisses!

Boss, things are pretty bad at the fair.

The "Turk's Head" is broken. The patrons always win.

I'm ruined!

This has to be fixed now!

- Impossible. - Tottons!

Wait, I have an idea... go away!

What is it?

- Clean your face. - Not even for a dream!

- I can't, I have a secret. - What secret?

You have to be the "Turk's Head." I order you!

The Turk? Not even for an idea!

That's like an avalanche of balls in the face.

I shouldn't be surprised if they kill me!

Not even if...

- Not even if I beg you, Tottons? - No!

- Tottons! - No!

Yes.

With a similar piece of ottoman, I'll play the Turk!

Go with him. From the back. But clean his face!

What are you doing, stupid!

Close!

Come on, let's go!

Calm down, here I am.

But what have you got, sawdust in your veins?

Enough with the sawdust!

Stop and listen!

- When they hit you... - They gave me a lump right here!

No! The balls are very light. Listen.

- Read. - I know.

But balls always are.

When they hit you, show deference and say, "Allah! Allah!"

- And when they don't hit me? - Then say, "Salam, Salam."

When they hit me, "Allah, Allah," and when they don't hit me--

I don't remember!

- "Salam." - Ah, yeah.

- Yes, that's right. - And listen.

You have to try not to get hit high more than twice

because with three balls, they win the prize.

So, never more than twice say "Allah!"

- If they hit me three times? - I don't do charity!

Just an honest cheat.

I'm the one who always stands to lose.

Open! Open!

What happens if you hit the Turk?

If you hit it, it says, "Allah." If not, "Salam."

- Good. - Allah.

- Allah. - Now I'll take one.

What are you doing?

Get outta here!

How do I win this thing?

We need to make him say "Allah" three times.

- Allah! - No-- say "Salam"!

But what salam? I say Allah!

Allah! Allah!

Allah, Allah, Allah! Come on, come on!

The balls are out. The balls, quick!

- That's a man. - Come on here.

Allah! Allah!

Now I'll fix you!

Allah, Allah!

Guys, the Turk is leaving!

What? He's leaving?

Wait just a minute!

Hey, Mark. Do you want me to help you?

No, don't think about me.

Think about the show.

Mark, right now you really are

the dirtiest ringmaster in the world!

Attention! Our beautiful animal tamer May

will now present a group of elephants.

May?

Should I announce the lion routine?

No, Karl is still not well. He will do the show later tonight.

Always the same thing!

Attention! Joe Smith will try a very difficult exercise--

a jump with triple pirouette on the return.

Attention! Attention!

The same feat will be attempted by Cesare Togni.

And now we bring you the most sensational item in our show!

Tania and Bastian on the trapeze-- without a net!

A swallow may fall, but Bastian will never fall from his trapeze 200 feet up!

Hey, Mark, is it true Bastian defies death every night with this show?

Wait, you'll see up there.

Tania and Bastian!

Bastian, what's going on? Get up.

Quick, the finale! Damn!

Get up, people are watching you.

I can't walk, my right arm hurts.

- Then walk with the left arm! - Help me get out.

I don't want the audience to notice.

I want to leave the ring laughing.

- Up. - Ouch!

It's over for me now.

- I can't work anymore! - No, calm down.

Ouch.

- Easy. Put this on. - Come here!

- What should I do now? - Get dressed!

Here, go sell these balloons, go!

- And go. - Balloons!

- Balloons! - Yep.

Calm down, gentlemen. Nothing happened.

The acrobat is not seriously injured.

The show must go on!

The beautiful Dorothy will sing "Today It's My Turn, Tomorrow It's Yours."

d From a mountain in bloom d

d Rosina descends d

d On the arm of a boy who goes swearing of love d

d And holds her to his heart d

d For those who sigh in vain d

d Watching them pass d

d The couple goes far, happy to dream d

d And starting to sing d

d Today it's my turn, tomorrow it's your turn d

d There is a mystery in destiny d

d Luck is unknown-- how it comes, how it goes d

d Whence does it come, where does it go d

d Don't despair... d

Mama!

d Love that he wants to love you d

d That love is not known... d

My son.

Mama, I am sorry I brought you such pain.

But mothers are destined to suffer, my son.

Our lot is to bear any pain in silence.

Watch it, you!

What did he do to you?

What did he do to me? Parrot!

For three hours now, he's been behaving like a masher.

You think I'm that kind of woman? No, I'm this kind!

How dear you are.

It really is true-- you only have one mama.

What are you insinuating? There's only one dad too!

Cheeky little devil!

What, you want to have a listen?

This is a private conversation. Watch the show.

Mama...

- What are the police up to? - Investigating.

What bad habits these police have.

You can't kill anybody these days without an immediate investigation.

They were at the house and found everything.

Everything? Everything, everything, everything?

Everything, everything, everything!

Even that pair of suspenders we never could find?

No, not those!

But they did find the bones in the garden.

My son, be careful when you kill someone.

Watch where you put the bones, so they cannot be found.

Mama, don't you worry.

I know where I put the bones when I kill.

Listen, dear Mama, I have to leave you. Duty calls.

- Ciao. - Ciao.

Go, my son. I bless every drop of milk I gave you.

It wasn't much, I know.

But, you know, I was giving it to him with water.

d But you can have it, if you know where to look d

Ciao, Mama!

- Let's pull them up. - You said it.

d Today it's my turn, tomorrow it's your turn d

d There is a mystery in destiny d

d Luck is unknown-- how it comes, how it goes d

What a son!

- Come on, come on! - Come on!

Who the heck is hauling me up?

Where's my helmet?

Talk about sweeping me off my feet! I'm in trouble!

What a phenomenon.

Let's turn him loose!

What a butt!

Ciao, Mama!

Ouch!

Ciao, Mama!

Hey!

- Are you the owner of the circus? - No, I'm a ballerina.

Now, listen, wise guy.

Is there somebody here harboring a big secret?

There are no secrets here. This is the most loyal show in the world.

I am from the federal police.

I'd like to check some prints. Do you mind?

By all means! Start with me!

Drop your paw.

Eh, no.

No.

- Listen, miss! - Are you talking to me?

Come here. This is serious business.

Raise your foot.

No.

- You come. - What do you want?

Do me the pleasure of raising your foot.

Hurry up, I need to change for the show.

I am hurrying. I have to check.

No.

Ah, it's you!

- It's me. - What were you doing down there?

- Why are you hiding? - Why am I hiding?

The police!

I'm being chased...

surrounded...

hunted.

Now I understand about the footprints. But why are they looking for you?

Why?

Because I have a secret.

A secret that, if it were to be revealed...

well, for heaven's sake, it would be ruinous!

It would be a disaster.

My pride, my dignity, my honor!

It would be the end!

The end!

It would be the... end...

- Who is it? - The police.

- I'm looking for a guy. - Hide.

Here I am!

- There is no one here. - That's impossible.

- I heard a man's voice! - There's a man in there?

Mark, you can't be jealous of my husband.

Ah, your husband! Is he already over his hangover?

I'd be really curious to see it.

Me too. May we enter, then?

No!

Okay, we'll just wait here, then.

I'm here, I'm here.

Are you able to do the things my husband does?

What all does your husband do?

- Everything. - Yes!

- Everything, everything, everything? - Yes, everything.

Everything and more! But...

Good!

And now, a series of double flips over the backs of four camels!

Tania, it's your turn!

Excuse me, but what does this husband of May's do?

- The trainer. - He works... when he isn't drunk.

- Is he any good? - Who made the call?

He's been with us three years, and he still hasn't worked.

Come on, think about the show.

Come on, let's go!

What I wouldn't give.

- What? - To do stuff like that.

But I guess I'm too indolent,

and I never seem to make up my mind.

Karl, come on.

Ah, finally, the famous trainer.

Let's go.

We'll see you and your husband in the ring.

- Come on, let's go. - But...

Listen here. He said, "in the ring." In the ring to do what?

You'll do the lion routine.

I told you, you'd be doing everything my husband does.

Hang on, there's been a misunderstanding.

Husbands don't normally put themselves in mortal danger!

Don't worry, these lions are tame. They are all my friends.

They may be your friends, but they are not my friends! Sorry!

- They will become your friends. - Yeah, sure.

I can picture it: "Have a bite of me and let's be friends."

- Let's go. - Not to the lions, I'm not!

- Courage! - I'm not gonna do it!

- What, have you sawdust in your veins? - Damn the sawdust!

Come on, Karl, hustle the muscle!

Relax, man.

- Potato chips! - One moment.

Give me a bag.

Ladies and gentlemen, watch out!

You are about to witness the highlight of our program.

The intrepid Karl Hoffman will perform his famous routine,

an attraction unique in all the world:

a fight to the death against 18 hungry lions!

Orange soda!

Look, I don't feel like it.

- I don't feel like it! - Take courage.

I'm telling you, the lions are my friends.

And you can make them understand we're all friends here?

Of course, don't be afraid.

I'll go as long as you're in the cage with me.

Okay, then.

Mark!

That's not May's husband! It's that idiot Tottons!

I'll take care of this.

Watch your step.

May? Give me your hand. Stick close.

- Come on, come on! - Listen a little...

- What should I do now? - Don't be afraid.

- Look them in the eye. - Yes.

I am looking them in the eye.

They look at me too. And how they look at me!

But listen, is it true that they are all friends?

Yes.

Is any of them ever a bit of a stinker?

Help! I was right. You see that?

- That's a stinker! - Come on, come on.

- May, stick close. Give me your hand. - Courage.

Don't go away.

- The whip! - Yes, the whip.

- Whip it, throw it. - Wait.

Come on! Coward.

- Get up, go ahead. - I slipped.

May, stay close to me.

- May! - What are you doing?

Do you see how he looks at me? What should I do?

Here!

You're nothing but a rascal.

Coward!

I'll teach you to be the lion, sail!

Ugly beast!

He's my son. He has a mustache, but he is my son!

May!

Ay-yi-yi!

Go, go!

What do you want to do? Go back!

I'll break your head, you know?

Go make the bed! Go make the bed!

Don't react!

Go away!

I'm not afraid!

What would you like to do? Don't come forward!

Down!

Go, go. Back!

What are you doing? Go away!

Go!

Leave, leave!

Everyone away!

Everyone away!

Everyone away!

You go away, away!

And you, what are you doing? What's the holdup?

Go!

Hustle!

Good heavens, a rat!

The whole family, even his father--

he once saw a mouse and passed out.

When we found the poor fellow, he was already dead.

What's going on?

What's with all this applause?

It's the new lion tamer.

So that's why I woke up in his underwear!

What do I do now? What should I do?

Shoot yourself!

Karl, what is it?

Miss, here!

Hey, young man, here.

- In front, yes. - What is it?

No.

I've got a hunch...

Come here! Raise your foot.

No.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Wait for me here.

I'll be right back.

Karl, is that you?

No, it's not me. It's me instead.

Tottons, what are you doing here?

I have a secret!

- What secret? - One of my usual secrets.

Tottons, tell the truth: You are here because you love me!

Yeah, what a fool! I love you. Sometimes I forget it.

- I forgot, give me a hug, a kiss. - No!

If you love me, you have to escape.

- I can't. - Why?

My superior strength holds me back.

- What strength? - What strength?

The public force!

- You have to escape. - I cannot.

Karl will be here in a moment. He's in a terrible state.

- No one knows what he might do. - What can he do?

He makes me a mustache, he makes me another!

The third one has a twist in it!

Shhh! The strength...

- Dorothy! - It's Karl!

- Karl! - Where am I hiding?

- There is only one way out of here. - Yes.

Where can I...? If he finds me here, what a mess!

Mamma Mia!

- Oh, no, how do you do it? - Will you open up!

- How do you do it? - Wait up. Not below.

No, you don't have to do it!

- I got an idea! - Ah, yes?

- Put this on. - I understand.

- Don't move, eh! - No!

- Send him away now, huh? - What are you doing?

- I'm coming. - Do you want to open, yes or no?

- Don't enter Karl. - Why shouldn't I enter?

- Let's go for a drink. - What a drink!

- What you were doing? - Nothing, Karl.

Nothing? And why did you close the door?

I was afraid.

- Afraid of what? - Being alone.

I think there's someone else here.

But for heaven's sake! Look around, there's no one.

There are only the mannequins.

There is absolutely nobody.

- You sure? - I'm sure!

- Who is that? - A new one.

- They brought it this morning. - Yes, but who is it?

It's the monster of London!

- Well, leave me alone. - No, Karl.

Go away!

- Don't send me away, let me stay here! - Leave me, go away!

- I want to stay here! - Leave me alone.

Get!

Monster of London, eh?

So you would be the Monster of London.

The usual hallucinations, I...

Why are you looking at me like that? Come on!

Tell me to my face what you think!

You! Fiend of Hanover, say it! I am a drunkard!

Pow! Take that!

You too, Beast of Dusseldorf.

Say it, I'm a good-for-nothing!

Pow! Take that!

And you too... pow!

No.

But why do I have to take it out on you?

Monster of London.

The more I look at you, the more you pity me.

You, with that idiot face,

you made all the women fall in love... with you!

But in the end, they hanged you!

Soon I'll be a corpse too!

Here you go, six shots.

But one is enough for me.

Fiend of Hanover, take your hat off!

Soon there will be a dead man here!

Now to me. No... there is too much light.

There!

That's better.

And why are you looking at me?

I have something for you too!

Two hits:

one for me... and one for you.

I'll do the dress rehearsal with you.

But it's very simple, here.

The revolver rests against the temple... like so.

Then you press slowly.

I can almost hear the cold steel penetrating the brain,

and feel the frost of death that follows!

But don't worry!

The trigger is pulled, and it's all over!

After all, it's just a question of a squeeze.

So!

One... two...

And no!

No!

I will never possess the courage!

I will never have the strength! Never!

But why are you looking at me!

Don't look at me!

They are finished.

But I have another revolver.

And these are eight shots.

One for me... and seven for you!

Yes!

But... first you have to drink.

Drink!

Good.

Do you want some too?

But where did you get off to?

Ah, there you are!

You have become a Chinese Mandarin, huh?

How? No?

Oh, damn!

These hallucinations!

And... where is he?

Where did he go?

Ah, you have become a French revolutionary now, huh?

Monster of London, don't run away from me!

Oh, no, your time has come!

But there is the devil!

Again! Again!

Ah!

Ah!

This time you have become a missionary!

But I'll kill you anyway!

You won't run away from me anymore!

I'll kill you like a dog.

I won't open the door! Leave me alone, go away!

My dog-- my, how you've grown.

But... what did you do? Did you kill him?

No, for now I gave him a simple lesson.

Karl?

Karl!

May I examine your footprint?

Of course! I've been anticipating it.

Look, these are a bit tight.

Get more comfortable-- size 16.

Ah, you are the man I was looking for! I've finally found you!

Dear.

But why are you arresting him?

He is a famous strangler.

Shh! We do not advertise.

If it were possible, I would prefer to remain incognito.

But how can you know he did this?

He has committed numerous crimes.

He strangled a Livorno woman!

- Oh, my goodness! - Tottons, why did you choke her?

Because I liked it too much!

Well, yes... I not only strangled a Livorno woman,

but, if you must know, I also strangled two Paduan women.

Mamma mia, a Livorno woman and two from Padua!

With all modesty.

By the way, blondie, come here.

What country are you from?

- From Catanzaro. - Catanzaro?

To me, these Norwegian women do not seem so impressive.

But you must have loved them madly if you were driven to kill them!

- What was so special about them? - The breasts.

The breasts?!

Not that I don't appreciate the thighs-- far from it!

But I prefer the breasts... and the wings.

But women don't have wings!

But what do women have to do with it!

He's a chicken strangler.

He's a chicken thief!

- Come on, come with me. - One moment!

The show comes first. Tottons must stay here.

No, come with me! You are better off in prison.

You have to come with me!

Stop, everyone! Calm!

Two can quarrel, but the third wants his fun.

Come on, girl!

Now entering the ring, a remarkable ladies' hairdresser!

Hello?

May I come in?

Anybody?

Oh, shopkeeper?

Is anyone here?

Sorry if there's someone because no one answers to tell me there's no one!

Bonjour, monsieur!

What a scare!

Suddenly my heart missed a beat.

I understand!

- Good morning! - Good morning, sir.

Lucio, ladies' hairdresser, at your disposal.

Lucio? Who is Lucio?

- It's me, sir. - Ah, yes?

I was wrong, I'm so sorry. I have no business here.

- How so? - Trust me, I know.

What were you looking for?

I'm looking for the shop where I'm supposed to work.

- You've found it! - A hairdresser's shop?

- Where are you working? - Here, at the hairdresser's.

Ah, oui, oui, oui, I get it.

- Would you be the new worker? - Yes, sir!

Well, let me get a look at you.

- Turn around like this. - No, I mean... huh?

Well, yes.

- You can go. - He didn't find me in the garbage!

So, tell me, as a hairdresser, what all can you do?

I can do hair, beards, sideburns...

Of course, I can do it all.

- What do beards have to do with it? - I always do my own, too.

Okay, but this is a ladies' hairdresser.

What do beards have to do with it?

You're saying the ladies never shave?

- No. - But they do.

- No! - Mr. Lucio...

-... if they do it! - Mais ouil!

Maybe they do, I don't know, but...

we must never speak of it, for heaven's sake!

Especially to my clients.

Very chic people come here!

- All high people... - High mountains.

- From the high... - South Tyrol.

- No! - South Tyrolean.

- Lucio, let us serve you. - No!

- How do you say-- the nobility! - Ah! Aerostatics.

- Aristo... cratic. - Aristocrats.

You have to treat them with a lot of taste,

very politely, and with a lot of tact.

- Do you have tact? - Actually, I went out suddenly...

- No, I say... are you kind in your ways? - Ah, yes, yes!

I'm a "tactomaniac," if you can imagine.

Oh, dear, you are nice.

I'm sure the two of us we will get along very well.

- I'm afraid not. - Mais oui.

Indeed... shall we do something?

Yes.

- Let's talk about you. - But no.

- Do you want? - No.

- But yes. - And you?

- Yes, sure. - Lucio.

- Eh? - Lucio!

Tea! Yep.

- Then you're hired. - But my name is not "Hiram."

No, I'm saying I'll give you a job!

Ah, you're hiring me!

- And what's your name? - My name? Othello!

A very masculine name.

No, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but it doesn't work.

Desdemona's husband, that of...

Yes, but it isn't exactly suitable for this shop.

You have to take a nom de guerre!

Marshal.

What does that have to do with anything?

- Marshal? - No, he's not a coiffeur.

Ah, right. Sergeant, then!

No.

- They are battle people, I know them! - You don't understand!

It takes a sparkling name.

A sparkling name?

- Brass! With the shiny glow. - Come on, no!

- Too heavy. - Brass?

- A lighter thing. - Lighter?

- Piombino! - No, it doesn't work!

- It doesn't work! - Piombino.

No, a crackling name!

- Castagnole! - No.

- Yes! - No.

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

- I've found it! - Yes!

Eureka!

I'll call you... Lallo.

Huh?

- Lallo. - Here.

Lallo.

- What is it? - Lallo.

Yes... you don't like it?

- Lucio. - Yes.

Lallo seems more beautiful to you than Othello?

Of course-- Lallo does more coiffeur!

Don't worry, I'm going to get your gown.

Lallo... Lallo!

Lallo is a gimmick.

Listen, I recommend one thing:

when some customer enters,

you must receive her with a nice curtsy.

And you say, "Madam, our place is at your complete disposal."

- Take what you want. - Oh, no, don't overdo it.

Put this on. No, on the other side.

No, like that!

Ah, in front, like a bib!

Yeah, good.

And then-- I don't know-- suggest some other notions for the customer.

- Like, maybe, for example-- - Madam, do you want a donkey?

- But no! - It's a notion.

- But congratulations! - Ah, how are you?

"Madam, I've never seen you so beautiful!

It's been ages since I've seen such!"

- "How are you?" - It's another thing I really care about.

When the service is finished,

you must always say: "Are you pleased, madam?"

"Are you pleased, madam?"

- Yes, but more cheerful. - "Are you pleased, madam?"

Bravo!

- Do you see what I can do? - Bravo.

- I'll just leave you for a moment. - Goodbye, Lucio.

But look what you have to do to eat!

Lucio? Lucio?

- Who is it? - Is Lucio there?

Where's Lucio? Where's Lucio?

Ah, Lucio! My boss.

- We had an appointment. - Lucio is not here, Lallo is here.

If there is Lallo, there is Lucio. If there is Lucio, there is no Lallo.

Very well, then! I want a light, light permanent.

- A light perm, light perm? - Yes.

- A feather permanent. - Feather?

- Shall we make a nice feather? - Yes!

Come here, now. Sit under your helmet!

Please, light, light.

- Then I have a little concern. - Leave it to me.

- How long will it take? - Twenty or 25 minutes-- 10 at the most!

- Okay, thanks. - Don't worry lady.

All access, that's it.

Meanwhile, to kill time, want to read a little something?

No, not that, it is The Divine Comedy.

Here, read this. - What is it?

A Thousand and One Nights.

- Are you pleased, madam? - But, really...

Leave it to us.

- May we come in? - Yes, come in!

- Take a seat. - Can we enter?

Take a seat. Are you pleased, sir?

Good morning, gentlemen!

What can we do for you?

Our shop has everything at their complete disposal.

All you have to do is order, we serve you in every way.

- Et voila! - Here.

- Dear. - Sorry, huh?

- Your command, sir? - Look, my wife is too fat.

No, no, no!

Some things I can't hear.

Why, that lady is too fat?

Not even for a dream! It's a fake lean.

It's a bit strong.

Yes, there is no question, it will be a bit strong.

- But she is good! - She should be half this size.

- Half? - Good.

- It can be done. - Anything's possible.

We can cut her in two!

Which one do you prefer, the one above or the one below?

- He kids! - Yes.

We can do anything you like.

We have a chamber here.

It's the latest discovery for losing weight-- the last word.

It's a kind of oven.

- Crematorium. - No.

It's... Chinese.

- It comes expressly from... - From Cremona...

- From China! - From Cremonese China.

And it makes you lose weight at a rate of 20 pounds a minute.

Please pardon one question: How much does the lady weigh?

- Tell the truth, huh? - How much do you weigh, dear?

Two-twenty.

- With the bone or without the bone? - But no!

Well, let's do it with the bone apart.

You want to lose a hundred pounds, right?

She weighs two hundred, she wants to lose one hundred.

One-fifty the hen sings

- Are you pleased, madam? - No, leave it.

Let her lose as much weight as she wants.

Here, then.

One-fifty, a quarter of an hour.

How soon can I see the results?

Freshly cooked, in a month!

What are you saying! In a quarter of an hour, sir.

A quarter of an hour of a month, I meant.

- Ciao. - Ciao.

Are you pleased, sir?

We'll see.

Thank you.

- Lucio, Lucio! - Yes.

Do you want to bake it, or should I bake it myself?

- But no, you! - Goodbye, madam.

I'll bake it!

- Do I have to undress? - No.

Not now. After, maybe. Take a seat, ma'am.

Come. Watch your step.

Excuse me, huh?

Into the carriage!

- That's it. - Good morning!

Good morning, take a seat. Are you pleased, sir?

- Pleased for what? - How should I know?

- How can I help you? - I want a hair lightening.

- A lightening of the hair. - Yep.

- Yes, it can be done. - What do you recommend?

Have you ever tried the Kel�mata herbal tea?

- Have you ever tried it? - No.

I was asking like this, if he had tried it.

- No, not even for a dream. - Good.

- Here, what do you suggest, then? - Let's see, sorry.

I must... here! No, leave it alone.

- But how? - You know, I'm a technician.

Yes, it can be done. How would you like to lighten?

- We want to do... - Shall we choose a color?

- A nice ash! - Ash!

Ash, charcoal? No, charcoal, no.

- Coal. - But... no, that's too usual.

It's too common, everyone does it.

- Ash, no. - Maybe he's right.

Another color.

- Do I recommend it to you? - Yes.

- I'm a professional. - Exactly.

- Let's make a nice red! - Red!

- Red! - You were born with a shirt!

Camicione!

- Oh, my goodness, yes, red! - Red... of San Secondo.

No, it's strong. True?

- A red... - We want to do a pale red?

- A Rossellini? - A Rossellini, that's it!

- Or a Titian red. - I scratch you!

Oh, my goodness, red! I'll tell all my friends!

All red!

All red, huh?

What is it?

- It's a Swedish system. - Swedish?

Everyone in Lapland, they dye their hair like this.

- Swedish. - Of course.

- You happen to be in good hands! - Ah, yes?

- Stop, let me see. - Yes.

- Here. - Stop.

- Here. - Done.

- Well? - Very well.

Very well?

Put your head down a little, please.

- Here. - Here, like this.

You will see, it will be a wonderful thing.

- Here, like this. - It will be unrecognizable.

- I took away at least 20 years. - Yes?

I would give him 20 now... out of prison!

Finished?

- Stop, huh? - Yes.

That's it, fine.

- Great, great! - Yes!

- It looks like a raspberry! - Beautiful!

- How much is it? - Will pay tomorrow.

So much I have to give you the second hand.

- Are you pleased, sir? - A lot!

- Are you pleased? - A lot!

- Goodbye. - You're welcome.

[speaks French] Oh, Madame Marchis.

Good morning, sir! What a pleasure to see you!

Please take a seat.

Long time, no see.

He has done us wrong, tell the truth!

You are more and more beautiful, Madame Marchis.

How may we serve you?

[woman speaking French]

Lallo? Lallo!

Who is it? I was lost in thought.

- Sorry, huh? - Are you pleased, madam?

A massage for Mrs. Marchis.

- Now, let's go! - But Lucio!

- Let me be a masseuse. - Of course.

A masseuse.

- For the lady? - Yes.

- I'll take care of it. - Lallo?

- Yes, madam? - I'm done.

- What? - The Thousand and One Nights!

Oh, yeah? Then do one thing: Read these.

- What are they? - Les Mis�rables!

Are you pleased, madam?

Shall we go?

Take a seat.

You're welcome, ma'am. Take a seat.

[speaks French]

Sir, would you enjoy a Turkish bath in the meantime?

Great idea.

You're welcome.

Madame.

Here!

Oh, well... sorry, huh.

Are you happy, madam?

- [answers in French] - Yes.

[speaks French]

You can turn around.

Lucio?

[speaking French]

[speaking French]

Lucio?

Let me work!

Lallo!

- Who is it? - [speaks French]

And let me work!

Here we are.

See you later.

- Here I am. - What are you doing?

Take a seat.

The gentleman is back because he wants a lightening of the hair.

- It was yesterday. - Yes, too red.

Even clearer.

Go get Lallo.

I'll call Lallo and he'll clear this up for you. He'll be here right away.

- A little more subdued. - Lucio!

Lucio!

Just one moment. It takes patience, sir.

Two minutes and you'll be served.

- Lallo will be with you immediately. - Let's hope so!

- So, a nice spell huh? - Yes, a good spell.

You'll see, this will be my masterpiece.

- Thank you, I'm sure. - Look how good it looks like this.

Lucio!

- Lallo! - Ahh!

- Lallo! - But, Baron, she is unbearable!

And shut up five minutes!

- That's it. - Lallo, help!

Help, Lallo!

- Lallo, help! - What's the matter?

Calm lady, calm down! Be calm!

Calm down! Everybody remain calm!

- Lucio. - Mr. Baron, please!

A little understanding-- and shut up a moment!

And shut up!

Wow!

Huh? They too?

Want a lightening?

What happened?

Lallo, what have you done?

- Sir, what do you want? - My wife.

I came to pick up my wife.

- To pick up his wife? - Which wife?

I don't know...

Ah, yes.

Now I remember, we had forgotten.

- My husband! - Maria!

- Here she is. - Have I reduced enough?

Maria!

Are you pleased, sir?

But look how much she's lost!

Here he is! And that one! Arrest them!

The first show is over.

The audience departs.

Meanwhile, at Luna Park, the lights come on

and the rides begin to turn

in anticipation of a festive evening.

Beyond the tents, the whole company,

the big circus family gathers as if for a sacred rite.

We thank you, our Great Protector...

for giving us this day the strength to perform the greatest show on earth.

You who protect men, animals, and sideshows...

you who make lions docile as men

and men brave like lions,

you who every night lends acrobats the wings of angels...

and gives us our fill of bread and applause...

we ask you for protection.

But if we are not found worthy-- if any misfortune should befall us--

please let it happen after the show.

And in any case, remember to save the beasts and the children first.

You who lift the dwarves and the giants to equal heights,

you who are the only sure safety net to preserve us from every harm,

may it please you that we never miss our tent,

our ring, or our net.

May the nails of our women

protect and defend as well as those of the tigers who watch us.

Give us the strength to make men laugh,

to bear peacefully their deafening laughter,

and let them believe we too are happy.

The more I want to weep, the more they want to laugh.

But it doesn't matter. I forgive them,

partly because they do not know, partly for your sake,

and partly because they paid for their tickets.

If my antics help them forget their cares and sorrows,

then by all means make my face even more ridiculous.

But help me carry this face with ease.

There are those who delight in making humanity weep,

but we would suffer to gladden the human heart.

Send someone into the world who can make me laugh

the same way I bring laughter to others.

And the greatest show on earth begins all over again!

THE END

THE FUNNIEST SHOW ON EARTH

English subtitles by Stereophilus

Preuzeto sa www.titlovi.com