Original subtitles

Nobody tells you how much admin dying brings, do they?

All those forms we've had to fill in today, just to...

..pick up a box of dust.

I'm glad we've got her, though.

Right.

Pasties.

Cheese for you, Mum.

Cheese for you, Jim.

Meat and potato for me.

Meat for you, Grandma.

I couldn't leave her out, could I?

I should look after those ashes, now, shouldn't I?

No.

I've just filled all the forms in.

You'd probably just lose them or smoke them.

You've got a right bug up your arse these days, you.

Sorry.

I've just been a bit bleurgh, recently.

I've been having three baths a day and eating tinned macaroni cheese

for breakfast. Well, I've got my own pickle going on.

Look.

What is it?

Mum, this is a court summons for arson and assault.

I know.

The staff keep teasing me about it, saying I'm going to go to prison.

I don't... I don't want to go back to prison, Alma.

No. Well, I'm not going to let you, Mum.

I'm not losing you and Grandma in the same fucking month.

SHE EXHALES HEAVILY

I didn't want it to go to waste.

It turns out Mum's incident with witchcraft six months ago

is still getting her into trouble.

The staff on the ward are pressing charges for arson and assault.

Mum says they're all liars and they're bullying her.

It's hard to know what to believe.

But if she's found guilty, she could do up to five years in prison.

I will not let that happen.

You wanna play with me, well

I'm the ruler of this map

I'm the ruler of this world, yeah

I hear you knocking on my door, I...

Yes?

Jules? Yes.

Alma.

We've got an appointment at 11.30.

Right. Yes.

Erm, yeah, do you want to take a seat? Yeah, sorry.

Um... Oh!

Right, erm...

Oh.

Sorry! I'm just... I'm a bit woo-woo today.

I just... WHISPERS: I've had a vasectomy.

And I'm just all over the place.

Oh, God. And just, hard surfaces are...

Oh! But, um... But, no, let's, um...

Sorry, just dive in. Go, go.

Er, well, thanks for taking my mum's case.

Oh, diving in right now! OK, let me get a pen. Pen.

Oh, God.

Oh. Wherefore art thou, pen?

I'm always... Ooh, ah.

Always losing the slippery little things.

Where's a pen? Ah! God!

OK. Don't worry about that. I'll just... It's that.

Yeah.

Oh, right, OK, so, um,

yeah, so, basically, my mum's on Harman's Ward.

Alma. Yes.

And your mum's on that terrible, terrible ward. Yeah. Oh, right, you know it?

Yeah. No, I've done a lot of pro-bono work for patients.

There's a lot of malpractice and abuse over the years.

Right. I... I had no idea.

So, it turns out Mum lost the postcode lottery

when she ended up in Harman's Ward.

The staff are currently being investigated for toxic culture,

taunting and bullying patients,

inappropriate use of the restraint position

and falsifying medical documents.

Ultimately, Mum was right all along when she said...

This isn't a place to get better, Alma.

This is a place to get worse.

You'd think that getting a job looking after some of the most vulnerable women in the country,

you'd need a certain set of skills, training and qualifications.

You don't! It's actually easier to get a job here than Wetherspoon's.

And the same wage, too.

Basically, after 14 years of austerity,

it's safe to say Harman's Ward is a shitshow

and the social services, mental health, and housing systems,

are well and truly fucked.

Let me get... Let me get a pen. Um...

CLATTERING Oh! Christ. There we go.

Got it.

Now, um...

So it was, um, El... Alma with an A.

Not Elma. It's that elephant. Great.

Bill, get the quails' eggs out of the air fryer,

put the pea puree on the side and breadcrumbs on top.

Come on, quick. Yep. Yes, Chef.

Fuck's sake. Right, two secs. Right.

Yes. Yeah? Yes!

Oh, get in!

Hello! Ooh, Alma. Try this. Oh.

Right.

Mmm. Fuck me, that's good!

Ooh, you look serious. Yes.

When you're fighting the system, Leanne, you need to power dress.

A sensible shoe.

A serious bag.

Shoulder pads.

Assertive bun.

I've also got my mum a solicitor.

He's a small and unusual man

and definitely an over-sharer, but he's pro-bono.

So he likes U2, then? Ha.

Like, Bono from U2.

If he's, like, pro-bono,

he's... He likes Bo...

Fuck's sake. No-one enjoyed that, Bill. Get back to the aubergine quiche.

No, they didn't enjoy it.

I've actually got my mum's written statement now,

which I'm going to have to type up,

because she's done it in crayon. But that's fine.

Ha-ha. These angry-looking goats here are the staff

pissing injustice into the well of despair, apparently.

I'm not quite sure how I'll type that up, but I'll find a way.

I've also found out that our local MP is also really

pissed off with 'em. So I'm going to go and visit him today.

I feel like Erin fucking Brockovich, me.

Go for it, girl.

Whoo!

Ow! Yeah, ow, yeah, I'm on my way

Yeah, ow, yeah, I'm on my way.

Hello there.

Is it Chris?

No, I'm Chris's assistant.

Oh. Yeah.

Er, so what's your name? Sorry, who are you?

My name's Alma.

I'm a local constituent. Er, my mum is actually on Harman Ward,

which I know Chris talked quite passionately about

in the run-up to the election.

So, basically... Email. Email. You need to, um...

You need to email him. Right, OK.

I did try an email, but it bounced back.

There's nothing wrong with our email address.

Oh. I've tried six times. Well, I'm receiving emails.

There's nothing wrong with the email address.

Our email address is fine.

OK. I feel we're getting a bit stuck on the email address.

Um, what...what's your name? Gareth.

We don't have any problems with our email address.

OK, you seem quite defensive about the email address, Gareth.

It's not a criticism. I'm just, you know, explaining why I'm here.

Yeah, well, I'm just surprised to hear about the email address, is all. Right.

HE MUMBLES

OK, you're starting to sound a little bit like a malfunctioning robot.

But that's OK. I'm just going to plod on and tell you what...what I'm doing here.

So, basically, my mum, um, is getting progressively worse and...

You're talking too fast, you need too slow down. OK, sorry.

LOWERS VOICE: Er, so basically, what we're looking for is advocacies.

Yeah, you don't need to whisper.

You're quite a difficult fish to please, Gareth.

I mean, I can jot a couple of notes down and see if

it's something he'd be interested in, but without an email,

it'll be really pointless.

We need urgent political support, Gareth.

This is a political issue.

This is about the criminalisation

and abuse of mental-health sufferers.

This is about the detrimental cuts to life-saving services.

Sorry, could I get a bit of eye contact?

I'm telling you something quite harrowing here and you're just

casually eating a banana.

It would just be better with an email. Look, we also accept post, so...

Maybe I should just send you a pigeon, Gareth.

Why don't you send us a letter

and then we'll all get back to you in due course?

Yeah. And why don't you just go fuck yourself, Gareth?

I got a hot knife

And a tight collar

Uh-huh, uh-huh Uh-huh.

I've been watching these tubes.

They're getting bigger and bigger

and yet the roll has stayed the same size.

And you're telling me there's 200 sheets per roll?

Lies. Sorry to butt in.

Er, this is actually my agent and we've got a meeting, So shall we...?

Mrs Hawkins, I haven't personally sat down and counted the number of sheets per roll

but if you'd like to, feel free.

Now, if you'd excuse us, I have a meeting with my client

in my office.

Alma, this way. Thank you, Mrs Hawkins.

Thank you.

I had a call from a BBC producer.

Oh. Now, I thought it was a prank at first so I hung up.

Turns out she's real. She saw you in the comedy showcase

and she wants to see you in another gig and then bring you in for a meeting.

Oh, my God! Wow!

So, I think, before we invite her,

we need to finesse your material.

So I've got a great book.

Stand-Up For Idiots? Yeah.

Well, that's quite insulting, David.

No. Don't knock the For Idiots books.

I could never have become an agent without 'em.

And that seems to be going very well.

Thank you.

Now, successful comedians observe everyday normal things

and find the humour in it.

Now, Michael McIntyre gets 20 minutes of material

putting his kids' shoes on.

I mean, it could be about anything. Right.

Like... Like printers.

You know. So, printers always break.

You can put a person on the moon,

but you can't get a printer to work.

Mm-hm. So my point is,

it's surprising how printers are still so crap.

Yeah.

All right, well, thanks for the book, David.

I think that we still need to work on your observation,

everyman material

and less of your madcap kind of family...

Oh! Agh!

..background stuff.

I think you need to get a better office, David.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Oh! God! Oh!

Oh. Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Hello. Come in, take a seat, sorry.

Oh, goodness me. I might stand for this meeting, guys, if that's all right.

Just, I can't sit down. QUIETLY: Just I thought it was going

to get a little bit better, but it's just got worse.

It's just all horrible down there.

Oh. Good. Anyway, you must be Lin. Lovely, lovely Lin!

Lovely to meet you, sometimes I sing...

But don't worry, I won't do it tomorrow in court.

Don't worry! Are you my solicitor?

Yes.

Yes, Jules, er, Goodwin.

Er, I try to. HE LAUGHS

Um, now, look, Lin. In a court, it's all... It's all about appearances, OK?

So you need to look smart, but not too smart.

My silver shell-suit is smart-casual.

No, Mum. And approachable.

Cos what we want to say is...

Hello, I'm Lin

I'm fine

I'm not a violent member of society.

OK? So we can all do this.

Hello... THEY JOIN IN

Hello, I'm Lin

I'm fine

I'm not a violent member of society.

Now, posture, Lin. Posture, it's shoulders back,

chin up, core centred, feet grounded.

And let's not forget - smile.

Oh, she actually looks more like a violent member of society.

Could that smile be less?

Hmm. Now, when the social workers take the stand,

they might say some things that you don't agree with.

Well, I'll fucking tell 'em. No. You can't do that, Mum.

You are very fidgety with your hands.

Could you sit on... Maybe, could you sit on your hands?

Well, could she draw in court - to distract her?

Why not? Yeah.

Argh! For fuck's sake!

Sorry, let's...

Let's just refocus. OK.

So, Lin. Um, I'm going to ask you some questions, now,

that you might get asked, um, when you take the stand in court.

Um, but, remember, it's all about staying...

Calm and approachable.

No, I can't fucking do it! No, I don't want to fucking do it!

OK. Ahem.

FORMAL VOICE: Lin Nuthall, were you under the influence

of any substances at the time of the incident?

I'm Lin!

I'm fine!

I'm a member of society!

I mean, it's just an internal thing, isn't it?

You've just got to think that, but then...

But if you do need to do it out loud, that's... I'm Lin!

I'm fine!

I'm a member of society!

I'm not a violent member of society.

I'm not a violent member of society!

Did you feel threatened or believe that you were acting in self-defence?

I'm Lin!

I'm fine!

I'm definitely a member of society!

Maybe you should plead guilty.

I just don't think we should go to court.

I'm not pleading guilty to something I didn't do.

Yeah.

Hey, I've written some new jokes. Shall I read you one?

Yeah, I could do with a laugh.

Right. SHE CLEARS THROAT

Oh, hang on.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

What's with bin day?

You never know when it's bin day, do you?

You know, you get into bed, you're tucked up and then you think,

"Oh, shit, it's bin day."

You've got your pyjamas on,

you've got to run downstairs, go out into the street

with no shoes on, in your pyjamas, wheeling the bin.

And then you're thinking, "Oh," because you... cos you've missed bin day.

And then there's neighbours and, oh, God...

And they've done their bins, but you've never done yours.

That's shit, isn't it?

I don't know. Is this what normal people worry about - bin day?

I don't know. It's domestic life, in't it?

I'm observing domestic life.

I'm homeless and possibly going to prison, Alma.

I don't think I'm your target audience. Hmm.

Huh. Bin day.

Heh.

And that's when she attacked the staff.

Later that evening, she was found in her room setting fire to things -

paper... That's absolute fucking bobbins.

BOBBINS!

Order. This Cunty McFuckface is lying!

Order! It's fucking sabotage.

You need to sit down, Miss Nuthall.

I did have a lighter.

I was burning sage to try and calm myself,

but I did not start a fire and I did not assault anyone.

I...I may not be the most respectable citizen in this

toilet... Order! ..of a cunty country.

But I am not violent.

I don't hit people.

I some... I sometimes shout

and I like to burn things. That's it!

It's absolute fucking bob...

Oh! Here we go.

You're not fucking listening to me, are you?

Nobody's ever listening to me.

I fought the law and the law won

I fought the law and the law won...

Get off! I fought the law and the...

Shall we continue?

Where are you taking her? Where are they taking her?

She's being placed in remand until we've finished here.

Alma Nuthall to read an affidavit on Lin Nuthall.

Erm...

Um...

I've watched my mother deteriorate

under the appalling care of the state over three decades.

Nobody has ever asked my mum, "What happened to you?"

They've only ever asked, "What's wrong with you?"

I know my mother can be her own worst enemy at times,

but I wholeheartedly believe that she wouldn't have become

as ill as she has if it wasn't for the mistreatment,

misjudgment and misdiagnosises of this system.

They've made catastrophic mistakes

that have traumatised her and only made her more ill.

When I think of my mother's life -

who she is,

who she was...

..who she could and should have been...

..the only thing I can think is that it's a tragedy.

SHE SNIFFS

It's a tragedy that should and could have been prevented.

And now we find ourselves in this baffling place

where my mum is having charges pressed against her

by the very people that were supposed to protect her,

and ultimately abused her.

These charges should be dropped

and my mum should be rehoused and supported properly.

If that doesn't happen, I have to ask -

where is the justice?

Where is the empathy?

Where's the humanity?

Thank you.

Oh, he's here. Hello, I'm so sorry about that.

I just bumped into an old, erm, an old colleague, Steve.

Um, we were actually at school together, as well,

and, um, actually, he used to bully me quite a lot, but he's...

OK. Sorry, can we just...? Is this...? Um...

Yes, sorry, OK.

Oh. Um...

So, look, it's not good news, er, I'm afraid.

Um, your mum's been sentenced to six months in prison.

What the fuck?! Which will see her referred back to the secure ward

for hospital stay on her release.

And she won't be able to come back out now, either, I'm afraid.

She's er... She's been taken into custody straight away.

I know, I'm... I'm genuinely so, so sorry.

Oh, it's just, I've been on this

wild losing streak of just sort of loss, loss, loss,

this last two, three, four year...

I mean more if you count the pandemic.

Six, seven years. We did a lot of virtual things,

but again, it's loss, loss, loss. Just...

I don't know what's, um, going on.

Um, can I just come right back, cos I've got... Steve?

Steve, if we're playing this afternoon,

can I borrow some clubs, as well?

PHONE RINGS

Hello, it's Alma again.

Um, I wondered if I could have, er, er, er, chips,

sausage, gravy,

a steak pudding, actually.

Er, a cheese pie.

Um, a fried fish,

battered sausage.

Do you know what? I'll just have it all - chippy tapas.

Yeah.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, right.

God.

KNOCKING ON DOOR MAN: Hello.

Hello? Hello. Can you just leave it on the mat?

I'm not answering the door at the minute.

Eh? Not a biggie. I'm just finding doors and the world

and people's faces quite intense.

Not personal to your face - more in general.

I'm just not quite ready for the world, at the minute.

Hello.

You look like a bloody Flump. What are you wearing that daft hat for?

Just hiding.

From who?

Myself.

You know when you're just a bit scared of the world and your own ears?

Yeah. All the time.

What's going on?

Just been in a bit of a bad blob, really.

How bad?

I've been watching back-to-back episodes of Gilmore Girls.

Which season?

The revival. Oh, dear..

Hmm. It's all right. It's going to be good, I think.

It'll be fine. I'm going to keep fighting with everything.

So I'm going to get an in-reach team to come into the prison

and assess you, which means you'll go back to the hospital,

which, obviously, I know is not ideal,

but once you're back in the hospital, then we could fight

from there to get you out, because we can put in an appeal.

Alma, there's no point.

It won't work.

It's a trap.

I want you to...

..leave it all alone now.

It's just not fair, though, is it, Mum? Just leave it.

Get yourself sorted.

Hey, and then maybe you can buy us that caravan in Rhyl.

Hey, fuck it, I need to dream big -

get me one in Blackpool.

That'd be good.

So, how's it been here?

Ah, not bad.

Yeah? Scary, sometimes.

But there's more drugs, which is fun.

Is it? I'm not sure about that, Mum.

They did a poetry competition.

And I won. Brilliant!

Hey, do you want me to read it you? Yeah, definitely.

It's called...

Never Give A Hamster Matches.

Right.

I get absorbed by the flare

It first-name knows me

We crackle and spit together

When I'm torching history.

No matter how dire, before you finally retire

And burn hot on that pyre, make sure you call a liar a liar.

Aim the flying fuck higher

Take a Lucifer out my box and fight fire with fire.

Those loose screws tell you no drugs, no booze,

Give you all the don'ts, dos, wake you up when you snooze.

Punk rock, the blues.

Hamstering madly on a wheel,

Listening to the others in agony squeal.

The bastards grinding have only one goal -

To keep you down and take your dole.

If you've the spark, you've the solution,

A good-evil evolution.

Staying alive's the revolution.

So in between the bitches and scratches,

Snitchers and snatchers,

Bashers and grasses,

Smashes and crashes,

Bangs and flashes,

Never give a hamster matches.

That's brilliant, Mum. That's really good.

HE APPLAUDS Yeah.

Yeah.

First prize.

I got an Easter egg.

I just feel so angry and helpless.

I mean, what do I do now?

Write about it.

Eh?

Write it down.

Perform it. Get it out.

That's what your mum does with her paintings and her poetry

and her shouting. Huh.

She gets it out.

That's why they love her paintings on the wall. They're real.

They connect.

They're helping people.

They help me.

Huh.

Thanks, Jim.

JOAN'S VOICE: I don't eat egg any more, Alma.

Who wants to eat the unborn child of a depressed hen?

LIN'S VOICE: Don't waste your life ironing a man's clothes, Alma.

"His creases will drop out, but your wrinkles won't."

I'm a hamster on a wheel!

AS LIN: How do you know it's cooked? It looks the fucking same!

JOAN: My body is an instrument of pleasure -

I'm a sexual violin and I need to be played.

I'm performing here next Tuesday.

Bring that BBC producer.

But I'm not going to be doing any of that

"observing normal things" shit.

Because that's not normal to me.

I'll see you on Tuesday.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

MC: I'll tell you what... I'll tell you this now.

AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

QUIETLY: Be more calm, confident, collected.

Comedic.

I'm a cheeky chipolata. A cheeky potato.

A funny onion.

Right.

If in doubt, tit and shake it out.

Tit and shake it out.

DAVID'S VOICE, WHISPERED: BBC. BBC.

Oh, nice to meet you.

WHISPERED: BBC.

Anyway, ladies and gents, it's time for the next act.

Please go crazy, go wild,

for Alma Nuthall!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0