Original subtitles

Mm!

That is fucking fabulous, that sangria.

I tell you, it give's Leanne's, erm,

cheeky Vimtos a run for her money, doesn't it?

I'm quite pissed, actually!

Una mas, por favor!

Steady, you.

Oh, I do love tapaz.

My Spanish ancestors are calling me here.

I thought you were Nicaraguan.

We're nomads, Alma.

We've got Nicaraguan, Scottish, Spanish Basque and a bit of alien.

You can't just casually say you've got a bit of alien in you

and not expect people to be freaked out.

How many times do I have to tell you? None, actually.

Our blood group is one of the rarest in the world, Alma.

And it's common knowledge that we're not human.

Is it, though?

We're an ancient alien blood group...

BOTH: ..that settled on Earth in the Pyrenees mountain range.

You know I've always wanted to go.

Mm. We know, Grandma.

I think I might be an alien.

Oh, be quiet, Jim.

He's been accepted for a supported bedsit,

but he's refusing to leave my house.

He's gone from being a lovable temporary house guest

to an aggressive squatter.

Every little thing he does irritates me.

H-he doesn't speak.

He just chews that loudly.

Listen to that! Oh, God, he's got to go! You've got to go!

SPEAKING LOUDLY: You've got to go, Jim!

Well, in jollier news...

..I'm going to be treading the boards at Victoria Hall,

for Ian's comedy showcase. Oh!

I know! Salud!

You never! Yeah! Oh, God.

I've always wanted to get on that stage.

I want a front-row seat, me.

Well, you...you're not invited.

That's very unkind.

I always invited you to my Ann Summers parties.

I didn't want to go, did I?

I was eight.

You were watching a professional raconteur at those parties

for years. You learnt it all from me. Mm.

Whoa-ho!

Woohoo!

Why do you have to keep wearing those ridiculous wigs?

Listen, Mother, I am spending my precious two hours of leave

seeing your pointy little face, so no insulting my teeth,

my wigs or my personality!

All right, listen. Erm...

..I've got something to say.

Is it "sorry"? Here we go.

Right, I'm going to get some more sangria.

Why would I say sorry, Lin?

Well, where to start, Mother?

Everybody knows it's your fault I'm an addict.

Oh, right. And who's everyone?

My whole mental health team.

Or maybe you want to apologise for stealing Jim and shutting me out.

I didn't steal Jim. Jim you can have.

You see, this is what she does, Jim.

Leaves you out in the cold.

SINGING LOUDLY: When I needed a shelter, were you there?

Were you there?

When I needed a shelter, were you there?

Oh, for God's sake!

I was cold, I was naked

BOTH: Were you there? Were you there?

I was cold, I was naked, were you there?

And the creed and the colour and the name don't matter

Were you there? Were you there?

Have you finished?

But it's a very good hymn, isn't it?

Have YOU finished?

Right. My cancer's back.

It's spread. It's everywhere.

I'm not going to recover.

Oh!

Grandma's cancer's come back more successfully

than Jennifer Coolidge's career.

They've said she doesn't have long.

It's hard to know what to do with that information.

It's hard to even believe it's true.

After all, she is part alien.

And how do you make the most of this precious time together,

when the person who's dying is full of rage, regret and profanities?

Fuck off!

I'm not sitting in some sad old chair,

being wheeled round like some fuddy-duddy!

I'll have a go.

We're all tricked into thinking that by the time we die,

we're ready to go.

Well, I'm not ready.

I feel like I'm being kicked out of the pub before closing.

CRASH

Sorry.

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you very much.

You're sticking with the tit shake, then? I am, Ian.

Fair enough. Fair enough.

Least it's better than Lesley.

You've got stage presence of a wet flannel, Les.

Ian, me and my therapist have been working on boundaries,

and I'd just like to say

that even though we have a sexual history and I did briefly ghost you,

I would really appreciate it

if you didn't undermine my talent as a form of revenge.

Well, I did ask you not to join this class.

But you insisted, like you always do.

So, here we are.

Hmm?

Anyway,

a few more sessions till the big showcase, so let's keep on track.

Cos that's a big chuffin' stage when you're on it.

So...

..keep your eye on the prize.

Keep, your eye on that prize.

It's the trophy of success.

Grab hold of it now.

Grab the trophy.

Own that trophy.

The trophy of success.

Right. What's it giving you? A Netflix special.

Netflix. Good. Good, Kevin. And you?

Financial freedom.

Fine. And you!

A tour.

A tour. And...

Full head of hair.

IAN SIGHS

DISTANT: For God's sake, Jim.

I can hear her chuntering on, can you?

Stop breathing!

You'd think she'd be too tired to be a cunt,

but she seems to have a lot of energy for it. Yeah.

You're soaking my head with your spit! Oh, God...

Do you know, the Macmillan nurse the other day

thought she had brain cancer?

I had to explain to her, no, she's always been a bit of a bitch.

Hello! There she is! You all right?

It takes ages when Jim pushes me.

He breathes that heavily down my neck.

I'm sure he's got emphysema.

It was a big hill.

Get me up. Come on.

Let's get you out, Mum. Come on.

Are you all right? There you go. Are you all right, Grandma?

Yes. There you go. I'm fine. You all right, Mum? Yes, I'm fine!

Why does everyone keep fucking asking me how I am?!

Macmillan nurses, doctors, taxi drivers.

"Are you all right, Joan?" "Are you all right, love?"

"Are you all right, dear?"

I'm not a fucking dear!

It's like hanging out with Gollum.

I've written a bucket list.

Things I want do before I die.

So we'd better hurry up.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

I want to see you perform at Victoria Hall, Alma.

I don't know, there's just not many... It's on my list.

OK.

I want to go to the Basque Country.

I'd like to meet Prince.

Maybe give him a peck on the cheek.

Maybe a bit more.

He's dead.

Is he?!

And American.

Oh, no.

I'd like to eat a croissant in Paris.

Listen, I don't want to shit in your bucket, Grandma,

but I don't think we can do a lot of these.

I want to ride a camel.

And where are we supposed to get you a camel?

What about a donkey?

They've got loads at Blackpool.

Ooh, Blackpool, yeah!

That's what we should do!

If I tell the hospital you're dying, I'll probably get a day trip.

Brilliant!

I'm not going to...

Blackpool, here we come!

PARTY BLOWER BLARES

Oh, my God.

Now, La Tasca may be your spiritual home, Mum,

but Blackpool is mine.

We are going to set that seaside on fire!

OK. I think let's avoid any fires, even as an analogy, at this point.

Yeah. I think so. Come on.

Just calm down. Come on!

Mum, are you going to walk normal,

or are you just going to be sprinting for most of the afternoon?

Yeah. Oh, goodness, watch the step. Watch the step.

MUSIC: My Little Stick of Blackpool Rock by George Formby

Yay! Yay!

Every year when summer comes round

Off to the sea I go

I don't care if I do...

Oh, look at this, named. Look at this lot!

Grandma! No, I don't want Grandma. Look at these. They've got...

What about "you plonker".

Hey, "Nympho." "Up yours."

What about "Big Boy", for Jim?

"Sex maniac." Yeah. I'm having one of them.

Try the middle one.

Yeah.

Come on. Come on.

This is it. This is it.

Oh!

Right, hang on.

It may be sticky...

FOOT THUMPS MACHINE ..but I never complain...

COINS TINKLE

Oh, my God! Hooray! Woohoo! THEY LAUGH

Every day, wherever I stray

The kids all round me...

Listen, can we just have the bear anyway?

No. Oh, come on.

She's got cancer. She's dying.

Please. It...it would mean

the world to me. SHE COUGHS

No, love.

Oh...

Ooh!

With my little stick of Blackpool rock...

Oh! Oh!

THEY LAUGH

Hey! We're having that. Yeah. Yeah. Fabulous.

Well done, Mum.

Romany Gypsy! Oh, my God. We've got to go! We've got to go!

I've got a bloodline there, as well.

It's where I get my psychic connection from.

Do you not fancy a go? No!

I'm surprised she's been in there this long.

Surely there's not much to say now.

Wherever I stray

The kids all round me...

How'd it go?

I got in,

she burst into tears.

She said I've had a terrible life...

..and I'm going to have ten more terrible years.

So when I told her I was dying, she said I wasn't.

But do I want another terrible ten years, or a jolly few weeks?

I can't decide. Oh!

It's like Sophie's Choice.

Yeah.

Right, next on the bucket list -

eat a croissant in Paris.

I went dancing each night

No wonder every girl that danced...

If you squint, it does sort of look like the Eiffel Tower.

It's better.

Mm.

Ooh!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh. It's good luck, that, Mum.

Lin, I'm dying and covered in bird shit.

How is this lucky?

THEY LAUGH

You've properly mucked it up, the only thing I can see...

Thank you, Freddie.

That was a wonderful ride.

You're a very good, brave, kind donkey

and I hope everyone appreciates you.

Let's have another picture.

Oh, that's nice.

You know, there's so many things I wish I'd done.

So many lives I nearly had.

Should've had.

I should've gone to the Pyrenees mountains.

Married that French millionaire who liked my shoes.

I should've been a star.

Written an autobiography.

Don't, Mum. Don't. You're ruining it.

Oh, I've got... Lin, I'm allowed to have feelings.

I can't cope with them.

You know it's me that's dying, don't you?

'Course I do!

Are you all right, Mum?

Yeah, I'm fine.

But...

..I'm just going to go now.

Well...well...we'll all go.

No. I'm...I'm going to get the train back by myself.

Oh, Lin. Don't be silly.

Mum!

Mum!

She was always a sensitive child.

The worst thing about someone you love getting sick

is watching them slowly fade away.

Crying...

It's not big, beautiful or dramatic.

Crying never did nobody no good, no how...

In fact, it's quite boring and slow.

SHE EXHALES

That's why I'm...

I spy with my little eye...

..something beginning with C.

That's why

That's why I...

Cup.

Yeah.

I don't cry

Laughing

Laughing sometimes does somebody some good somehow

That's why I

I'm laughing

Now.

There's a whole art form to it. I'll show you, right?

So this is too close.

Yeah. This is too far away. Mm-hm.

It's this. Right.

My go. Right.

JOAN COUGHS

JOAN SIGHS

You ready? Yeah.

You're a natural.

Well, we knew that, didn't we?

SHE COUGHS

Ooh! Hello, Bolton!

Can't believe I'm going to be on the Victoria Hall stage tonight.

Hmm.

Do you think your mum will come?

Oh, God, I hope she doesn't, to be honest.

I might never see her again.

Phew!

My chin's completely given up.

I'd do anything to look like Nicolas Cage now.

I think you look beautiful, Grandma.

Like an elf.

Hmm! An elf?!

Yeah.

SHE CHUCKLES

AUDIENCE CHATTERS

Hey.

Bloody beltin'.

Here we go.

APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CHEERS

I'm Angry Ian! AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Woo!

Yeah?

I'm your host for tonight.

I'm washing up alone again.

Why? Good question.

Marriage. She... Hey, you know.

I should never have got married. It was a big mistake.

I mean proper mistake.

What I said was, "Will you carry me?"

You know?

Cos I were drunk.

So...

Not "marry", so that's the...

And...and then, get this,

she said I'm a lousy lover.

Lousy!

You horrible, evil bitch!

AUDIENCE TUTS AND MUTTERS

So...

..moving on. Moving on.

Will you welcome to the stage, all the way from over there,

Mr Brian Willaborn.

UNENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE

Something wrong with the lights. They keep flashing, like that.

Oh, I've got epilepsy.

Oh. Oh. Oh, dear.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Come on then, Brian!

Yeah, come on, Brian. You're on.

Go on.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS Good...good luck.

Ohh...

Alma Nuthall.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND APPLAUDS

Tough crowd.

Woo!

LAUGHTER

So I like to start with a tit shake. I just feel it relaxes people.

LAUGHTER

I come from a long line of eccentric female Boltonians.

One of them's in tonight.

Give a "woo" to Grandma Joan.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

APPLAUSE

One in six of us believe we've been abducted by aliens.

One in three of us believe we are an alien.

LAUGHTER

Take A Break is less of a magazine to us and more of a family album.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. Like, we... Funerals, we bring an extra coffin, just in case.

LAUGHTER

Grandma gets terrible at Christmas. She's real dramatic and maudlin.

"I don't want to sit in the corner like a leftover piece of turkey."

"I couldn't possibly."

"I've just defrosted a loaf...and it needs eating."

Then she put the phone down, didn't you?

I did!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Thank you! Goodnight!

Woo!

Woo!

Well, I've done it.

What?

You were talking about me up there.

Through you...

..I was on that stage.

You were brilliant tonight, Alma.

You're definitely the funniest person on the planet.

Think that's a bit much.

No, I don't think so.

Do you know, I'm proud of every rebellious decision I've ever made.

Hmm.

I mean, look at you.

I've not done so bad, have I?

No.

Bob the speakers on.

I want Edith. OK.

MUSIC: Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien, by Edith Piaf

Non, rien de rien

Non, je ne regrette rien

Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait

Ni le mal

Tout ca m'est bien egal

Non, rien de rien

Non, je ne regrette rien

C'est paye, balaye

Oublie

Je me fous du passe.

JOAN COUGHS

I'd like to see everyone tomorrow.

Before... SHE COUGHS

Hmm!

THEY CHUCKLE

Aww. He's lovely, isn't he?

What's he called?

Koo.

Koo? Yeah.

I don't know why. I just like it.

Fair enough.

I feel really loved and protected by him.

He's masterful, but deeply kind.

I hope you find someone as kind as Koo.

WHISPERS: 'Night, Grandma.

Night-night, sweetheart.

Mm.

SHE COUGHS

They taste exactly the same as the big ones,

only they're so much smaller so you can fit them in your handbag.

That's brilliant.

That's brilliant, cos when your blood sugar drops

and you're out and about, you're fucked.

Exactly.

Evie, I saw that!

What? It's not like she'll need it where she's going.

Right, take what you want, but not the telly or my penis.

That sculpture's priceless to me.

I always carry an emergency Chomp in my bag.

You never! I do.

SHE CACKLES

You're joking!

No. I always have one!

Look in my bag.

Oh, hiya, Dickie.

Hiya, love.

Right, Joany, I've brought you some lavender

and some chives from my garden. Anti-cancer herb, chive.

Bit late for that, Dickie. Have a whiff of that.

Oh, yeah, that's lovely.

You like it? Mm.

Oh, yeah, it's lovely, that.

Oh, yeah, it's lovely, that.

Bob that under your pillow at night, you'll sleep like a baby.

Evie!

What?

Something to remember her by.

Oh, that you can definitely have.

Look what the cat's dragged in.

Joan. Oh, Jim.

Hello, Mother. Oh, hello, you.

You're not going to shout today, are you?

I'm very tired.

For fuck's sake, I'm not going to do, am I?

I brought you some fucking grapes.

LIN CRIES

Oh, Lin. Come here...

..you silly sod. It's all right.

What you doing with that?!

Bloody fun police again!

It's not a fucking party, Evie!

I'm celebrating my sister's life, Lin.

Put that fag out an' all!

They've done enough damage to our Joany as it is.

They can't do much more to me now. Give us a drag.

Fabulous.

JOAN COUGHS

Want some of this? Hmm. Hmm.

Take it. Oh, lovely.

Ta.

Hey, Joany, do you remember when we used to go

and nick Dad's baccy, smoke it in the coal shed?

Eh?

Yeah.

We snuck a lot of stuff into that coal shed, didn't we?

Eh?

First the ciggies, then the boys. THEY GIGGLE

Horrible, you two!

Bloody hell, Joany! Hmm.

Evie! She said anything but the penis.

I don't remember that.

Selfish cow!

I'm the cow?!

YOU'RE the cow!

Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo! Oh, don't start all that again!

Moo! Moo! Come on! Moo! Moo!

Moo! Moo! Moo-moo! Moo-moo-moo!

Mum? Mum?!

Mum?!

FART

Mum?

It's the last gasp, Lin.

It's when the soul leaves the body.

What, through your arse?!

SNIFFLING

Oh...

..look at the moon.

She really let one rip, our Joany, didn't she?

Stinks in here.

There was nobody quite like my grandma.

She was completely unique.

A tour de force.

A whirlwind.

She was full of contradictions.

Ferocious, but deeply sensitive.

Full of love, with an acid tongue.

Other-worldly and wise

but with the undiluted innocence and enthusiasm of a child.

She loved Spam and Chanel.

QUIET CHUCKLES

She hated pretension but drank red wine out of a tumbler

"to feel more Basque".

LAUGHTER

She was a clown.

She was a beauty.

She was a witch.

She was a star.

SHE SNIFFS

And I'll miss her...

..forever.

Thank you.

MUSIC: Boombastic by Shaggy

Mr Boombastic

What you want is some Boombastic, romantic

Fantastic lover

Shaggy

Mr Lover lover, mm

Mr Lover lover

Hehe, girl

Mr Lover lover, mm

Mr Lover lover

She call me Mr Boombastic.

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

SHE SNIFFS

MUSIC: Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien, by Edith Piaf

Non, rien de rien

Non, je ne regrette rien

Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait

Ni le mal

Tout ca m'est bien egal

Non, rien de rien

Non, je ne regrette...

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