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1
00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:04,320
Mm!
2
00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:06,880
That is fucking fabulous,
that sangria.
3
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:08,400
I tell you, it give's Leanne's, erm,
4
00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:10,320
cheeky Vimtos a run for her money,
doesn't it?
5
00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:12,640
I'm quite pissed, actually!
6
00:00:12,640 --> 00:00:14,400
Una mas, por favor!
7
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:15,600
Steady, you.
8
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:17,200
Oh, I do love tapaz.
9
00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:19,520
My Spanish ancestors
are calling me here.
10
00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:20,880
I thought you were Nicaraguan.
11
00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:22,240
We're nomads, Alma.
12
00:00:22,240 --> 00:00:25,520
We've got Nicaraguan, Scottish,
Spanish Basque and a bit of alien.
13
00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:30,800
You can't just casually say you've
got a bit of alien in you
14
00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:32,520
and not expect people to
be freaked out.
15
00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:34,960
How many times do
I have to tell you? None, actually.
16
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:37,560
Our blood group is one
of the rarest in the world, Alma.
17
00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:39,680
And it's common knowledge
that we're not human.
18
00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:41,480
Is it, though?
19
00:00:41,480 --> 00:00:43,080
We're an ancient alien blood
group...
20
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,880
BOTH: ..that settled on Earth
in the Pyrenees mountain range.
21
00:00:47,440 --> 00:00:49,440
You know I've always wanted to go.
22
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:51,520
Mm. We know, Grandma.
23
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,320
I think I might be an alien.
24
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:54,720
Oh, be quiet, Jim.
25
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,840
He's been accepted
for a supported bedsit,
26
00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:01,200
but he's refusing to leave my house.
27
00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,440
He's gone from being a lovable
temporary house guest
28
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:04,960
to an aggressive squatter.
29
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:06,840
Every little thing he does
irritates me.
30
00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:08,720
H-he doesn't speak.
31
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,880
He just chews that loudly.
32
00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:14,400
Listen to that! Oh, God, he's got
to go! You've got to go!
33
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,120
SPEAKING LOUDLY:
You've got to go, Jim!
34
00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,440
Well, in jollier news...
35
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,320
..I'm going to be treading the
boards at Victoria Hall,
36
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,760
for Ian's comedy showcase. Oh!
37
00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:25,800
I know! Salud!
38
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:27,760
You never! Yeah! Oh, God.
39
00:01:27,760 --> 00:01:29,640
I've always wanted to
get on that stage.
40
00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,400
I want a front-row seat, me.
41
00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:33,160
Well, you...you're not invited.
42
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,880
That's very unkind.
43
00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,200
I always invited you
to my Ann Summers parties.
44
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:39,440
I didn't want to go, did I?
45
00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:40,720
I was eight.
46
00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:43,880
You were watching a professional
raconteur at those parties
47
00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:46,480
for years.
You learnt it all from me. Mm.
48
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:48,760
Whoa-ho!
49
00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:49,880
Woohoo!
50
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:53,040
Why do you have to keep wearing
those ridiculous wigs?
51
00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:57,040
Listen, Mother, I am spending
my precious two hours of leave
52
00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:00,880
seeing your pointy little face,
so no insulting my teeth,
53
00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:03,080
my wigs or my personality!
54
00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:04,560
All right, listen. Erm...
55
00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:07,040
..I've got something to say.
56
00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:08,440
Is it "sorry"? Here we go.
57
00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:10,680
Right, I'm going to get some
more sangria.
58
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:11,880
Why would I say sorry, Lin?
59
00:02:11,880 --> 00:02:13,560
Well, where to start, Mother?
60
00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:16,160
Everybody knows it's your fault
I'm an addict.
61
00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:17,640
Oh, right. And who's everyone?
62
00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:20,000
My whole mental health team.
63
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:25,120
Or maybe you want to apologise for
stealing Jim and shutting me out.
64
00:02:25,120 --> 00:02:27,400
I didn't steal Jim.
Jim you can have.
65
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,080
You see, this is what she does, Jim.
66
00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,480
Leaves you out in the cold.
67
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,920
SINGING LOUDLY: When I needed a
shelter, were you there?
68
00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:36,000
Were you there?
69
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,480
When I needed a shelter,
were you there?
70
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,800
Oh, for God's sake!
71
00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:43,560
I was cold, I was naked
72
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,400
BOTH: Were you there?
Were you there?
73
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:49,960
I was cold, I was naked,
were you there?
74
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:55,080
And the creed and the colour
and the name don't matter
75
00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:58,880
Were you there? Were you there?
76
00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:02,400
Have you finished?
77
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,680
But it's a very good hymn, isn't it?
78
00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:06,080
Have YOU finished?
79
00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:09,760
Right. My cancer's back.
80
00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,600
It's spread. It's everywhere.
81
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,320
I'm not going to recover.
82
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:21,040
Oh!
83
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:28,880
Grandma's cancer's come back
more successfully
84
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:30,800
than Jennifer Coolidge's career.
85
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,720
They've said she doesn't have long.
86
00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:36,240
It's hard to know what to do
with that information.
87
00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:38,200
It's hard to even believe it's true.
88
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,560
After all, she is part alien.
89
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:43,280
And how do you make the most of this
precious time together,
90
00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:47,000
when the person who's dying is full
of rage, regret and profanities?
91
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,880
Fuck off!
92
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,880
I'm not sitting in
some sad old chair,
93
00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:53,440
being wheeled round
like some fuddy-duddy!
94
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,040
I'll have a go.
95
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,120
We're all tricked into thinking
that by the time we die,
96
00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:02,280
we're ready to go.
97
00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:04,920
Well, I'm not ready.
98
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,240
I feel like I'm being kicked
out of the pub before closing.
99
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:10,720
CRASH
100
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:13,400
Sorry.
101
00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:17,160
APPLAUSE
102
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,320
Thank you. Thank you very much.
103
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,560
You're sticking with the
tit shake, then? I am, Ian.
104
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,840
Fair enough. Fair enough.
105
00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:27,400
Least it's better than Lesley.
106
00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,160
You've got stage presence
of a wet flannel, Les.
107
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:36,920
Ian, me and my therapist have been
working on boundaries,
108
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,440
and I'd just like to say
109
00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:43,280
that even though we have a sexual
history and I did briefly ghost you,
110
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:44,960
I would really appreciate it
111
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,560
if you didn't undermine my talent
as a form of revenge.
112
00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:59,320
Well, I did ask you not
to join this class.
113
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,520
But you insisted,
like you always do.
114
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:07,120
So, here we are.
115
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:08,160
Hmm?
116
00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:10,280
Anyway,
117
00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:13,600
a few more sessions till the big
showcase, so let's keep on track.
118
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,040
Cos that's a big chuffin' stage
when you're on it.
119
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,080
So...
120
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:20,680
..keep your eye on the prize.
121
00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,440
Keep, your eye on that prize.
122
00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,800
It's the trophy of success.
123
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:26,920
Grab hold of it now.
124
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:28,160
Grab the trophy.
125
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,320
Own that trophy.
126
00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:31,200
The trophy of success.
127
00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,680
Right. What's it giving you?
A Netflix special.
128
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:36,240
Netflix. Good. Good, Kevin. And you?
129
00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:37,440
Financial freedom.
130
00:05:37,440 --> 00:05:38,840
Fine. And you!
131
00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:40,000
A tour.
132
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:41,800
A tour. And...
133
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,040
Full head of hair.
134
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:45,960
IAN SIGHS
135
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,440
DISTANT: For God's sake, Jim.
136
00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:54,760
I can hear her
chuntering on, can you?
137
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,480
Stop breathing!
138
00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:01,560
You'd think she'd be too
tired to be a cunt,
139
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,720
but she seems to have a
lot of energy for it. Yeah.
140
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:08,040
You're soaking my
head with your spit! Oh, God...
141
00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:09,840
Do you know, the Macmillan
nurse the other day
142
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:11,040
thought she had brain cancer?
143
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,200
I had to explain to her, no,
she's always been a bit of a bitch.
144
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:15,360
Hello! There she is! You all right?
145
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:17,680
It takes ages when Jim pushes me.
146
00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:20,400
He breathes
that heavily down my neck.
147
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:22,240
I'm sure he's got emphysema.
148
00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:23,960
It was a big hill.
149
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,160
Get me up. Come on.
150
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,960
Let's get you out, Mum. Come on.
151
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,800
Are you all right? There you go.
Are you all right, Grandma?
152
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:32,600
Yes. There you go. I'm fine.
You all right, Mum? Yes, I'm fine!
153
00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:35,640
Why does everyone keep fucking
asking me how I am?!
154
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,800
Macmillan nurses, doctors,
taxi drivers.
155
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,840
"Are you all right, Joan?"
"Are you all right, love?"
156
00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:45,440
"Are you all right, dear?"
157
00:06:45,440 --> 00:06:47,280
I'm not a fucking dear!
158
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:52,760
It's like hanging out with Gollum.
159
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:56,960
I've written a bucket list.
160
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:59,600
Things I want do before I die.
161
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:00,760
So we'd better hurry up.
162
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,360
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
163
00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,600
I want to see you
perform at Victoria Hall, Alma.
164
00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:13,640
I don't know, there's just
not many... It's on my list.
165
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:14,680
OK.
166
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,640
I want to go to the Basque Country.
167
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,440
I'd like to meet Prince.
168
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,360
Maybe give him a peck on the cheek.
169
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,480
Maybe a bit more.
170
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:30,120
He's dead.
171
00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:31,320
Is he?!
172
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:32,800
And American.
173
00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:35,480
Oh, no.
174
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:37,720
I'd like to eat a croissant
in Paris.
175
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:39,880
Listen, I don't want to
shit in your bucket, Grandma,
176
00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:42,000
but I don't think
we can do a lot of these.
177
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,520
I want to ride a camel.
178
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,680
And where are we supposed to
get you a camel?
179
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,040
What about a donkey?
180
00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:49,840
They've got loads at Blackpool.
181
00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,640
Ooh, Blackpool, yeah!
182
00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:53,920
That's what we should do!
183
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:57,720
If I tell the hospital you're dying,
I'll probably get a day trip.
184
00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:58,960
Brilliant!
185
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:01,720
I'm not going to...
186
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:02,960
Blackpool, here we come!
187
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,360
PARTY BLOWER BLARES
188
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,040
Oh, my God.
189
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:08,760
Now, La Tasca may
be your spiritual home, Mum,
190
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:10,080
but Blackpool is mine.
191
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:13,080
We are going to set that
seaside on fire!
192
00:08:13,080 --> 00:08:16,920
OK. I think let's avoid any fires,
even as an analogy, at this point.
193
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:18,160
Yeah. I think so. Come on.
194
00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:20,360
Just calm down. Come on!
195
00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:21,600
Mum, are you going to walk normal,
196
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,880
or are you just going to be
sprinting for most of the afternoon?
197
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,600
Yeah. Oh, goodness, watch the step.
Watch the step.
198
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:30,320
MUSIC: My Little Stick
of Blackpool Rock by George Formby
199
00:08:32,160 --> 00:08:33,400
Yay! Yay!
200
00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:36,480
Every year when summer comes round
201
00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:40,120
Off to the sea I go
202
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,920
I don't care if I do...
203
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:44,640
Oh, look at this, named.
Look at this lot!
204
00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:47,320
Grandma! No, I don't want Grandma.
Look at these. They've got...
205
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:48,880
What about "you plonker".
206
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,200
Hey, "Nympho." "Up yours."
207
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:52,960
What about "Big Boy", for Jim?
208
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,320
"Sex maniac." Yeah.
I'm having one of them.
209
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:56,360
Try the middle one.
210
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:57,600
Yeah.
211
00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:58,800
Come on. Come on.
212
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:00,360
This is it. This is it.
213
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:01,800
Oh!
214
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:02,840
Right, hang on.
215
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:04,520
It may be sticky...
216
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,040
FOOT THUMPS MACHINE
..but I never complain...
217
00:09:06,040 --> 00:09:07,080
COINS TINKLE
218
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:10,560
Oh, my God! Hooray! Woohoo!
THEY LAUGH
219
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:13,960
Every day, wherever I stray
220
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,160
The kids all round me...
221
00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:18,520
Listen, can we just have the
bear anyway?
222
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:20,400
No. Oh, come on.
223
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:21,800
She's got cancer. She's dying.
224
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:23,800
Please. It...it would mean
225
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,360
the world to me.
SHE COUGHS
226
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:26,560
No, love.
227
00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:27,600
Oh...
228
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:28,640
Ooh!
229
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,480
With my little
stick of Blackpool rock...
230
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:31,960
Oh! Oh!
231
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,000
THEY LAUGH
232
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:36,120
Hey! We're having that. Yeah.
Yeah. Fabulous.
233
00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,240
Well done, Mum.
234
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,240
Romany Gypsy! Oh, my God.
We've got to go! We've got to go!
235
00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:41,480
I've got a bloodline there,
as well.
236
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,280
It's where I get my psychic
connection from.
237
00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:46,000
Do you not fancy a go? No!
238
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,280
I'm surprised she's
been in there this long.
239
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,600
Surely there's not much to say now.
240
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:51,960
Wherever I stray
241
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,000
The kids all round me...
242
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,080
How'd it go?
243
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:56,960
I got in,
244
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,720
she burst into tears.
245
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:00,400
She said
I've had a terrible life...
246
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:03,400
..and I'm going to have ten more
terrible years.
247
00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:07,200
So when I told her I was dying,
she said I wasn't.
248
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:10,720
But do I want another terrible ten
years, or a jolly few weeks?
249
00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,720
I can't decide. Oh!
250
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,800
It's like Sophie's Choice.
251
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,040
Yeah.
252
00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:18,560
Right, next on the bucket list -
253
00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:20,560
eat a croissant in Paris.
254
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:22,400
I went dancing each night
255
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,680
No wonder every girl that
danced...
256
00:10:24,680 --> 00:10:28,880
If you squint, it does sort of look
like the Eiffel Tower.
257
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,240
It's better.
258
00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:31,320
Mm.
259
00:10:31,320 --> 00:10:32,360
Ooh!
260
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:34,520
Oh, no! Oh, no!
261
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:37,800
Oh. It's good luck,
that, Mum.
262
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,160
Lin, I'm dying
and covered in bird shit.
263
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:41,320
How is this lucky?
264
00:10:41,320 --> 00:10:42,360
THEY LAUGH
265
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:45,800
You've properly mucked it up,
the only thing I can see...
266
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:47,440
Thank you, Freddie.
267
00:10:47,440 --> 00:10:50,000
That was a wonderful ride.
268
00:10:50,000 --> 00:10:52,040
You're a very good, brave,
kind donkey
269
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:53,880
and I hope everyone appreciates you.
270
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,280
Let's have another picture.
271
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,440
Oh, that's nice.
272
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,760
You know, there's
so many things I wish I'd done.
273
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,720
So many lives I nearly had.
274
00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:23,240
Should've had.
275
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,680
I should've gone to the
Pyrenees mountains.
276
00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:32,240
Married that French millionaire
who liked my shoes.
277
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,600
I should've been a star.
278
00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:39,800
Written an autobiography.
279
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,320
Don't, Mum. Don't.
You're ruining it.
280
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:44,880
Oh, I've got...
Lin, I'm allowed to have feelings.
281
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,320
I can't cope with them.
282
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,600
You know it's me that's dying,
don't you?
283
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:49,640
'Course I do!
284
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:53,320
Are you all right, Mum?
285
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:54,440
Yeah, I'm fine.
286
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,160
But...
287
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:58,440
..I'm just going to go now.
288
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,080
Well...well...we'll all go.
289
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:03,720
No. I'm...I'm going to get the
train back by myself.
290
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,640
Oh, Lin. Don't be silly.
291
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:06,680
Mum!
292
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:09,280
Mum!
293
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,800
She was always a sensitive child.
294
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,560
The worst thing about someone you
love getting sick
295
00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:27,920
is watching them slowly fade away.
296
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:30,120
Crying...
297
00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:32,640
It's not big, beautiful or dramatic.
298
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:36,240
Crying never did nobody no good,
no how...
299
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,200
In fact, it's quite boring and slow.
300
00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:41,920
SHE EXHALES
301
00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:43,440
That's why I'm...
302
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,320
I spy with my little eye...
303
00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:48,800
..something beginning with C.
304
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:49,840
That's why
305
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,880
That's why I...
306
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:55,360
Cup.
307
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:56,400
Yeah.
308
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,760
I don't cry
309
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,240
Laughing
310
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:10,720
Laughing sometimes does somebody
some good somehow
311
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,960
That's why I
312
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:21,520
I'm laughing
313
00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:27,760
Now.
314
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,400
There's a whole art form to it.
I'll show you, right?
315
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,800
So this is too close.
316
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,960
Yeah. This is too far away. Mm-hm.
317
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,560
It's this. Right.
318
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,040
My go. Right.
319
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:44,040
JOAN COUGHS
320
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,840
JOAN SIGHS
321
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,280
You ready? Yeah.
322
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:54,880
You're a natural.
323
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,400
Well, we knew that, didn't we?
324
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,880
SHE COUGHS
325
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,360
Ooh! Hello, Bolton!
326
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:05,760
Can't believe I'm going to be
on the Victoria Hall stage tonight.
327
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,400
Hmm.
328
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,520
Do you think your mum will come?
329
00:14:08,520 --> 00:14:10,480
Oh, God, I hope
she doesn't, to be honest.
330
00:14:10,480 --> 00:14:11,880
I might never see her again.
331
00:14:14,720 --> 00:14:16,840
Phew!
332
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:18,800
My chin's completely given up.
333
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:22,320
I'd do anything to
look like Nicolas Cage now.
334
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,840
I think you look beautiful, Grandma.
335
00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:27,680
Like an elf.
336
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,240
Hmm! An elf?!
337
00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,000
Yeah.
338
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,280
SHE CHUCKLES
339
00:14:34,920 --> 00:14:37,440
AUDIENCE CHATTERS
340
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:42,840
Hey.
341
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:44,160
Bloody beltin'.
342
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:46,520
Here we go.
343
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,000
APPLAUSE
344
00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:51,840
AUDIENCE CHEERS
345
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,560
I'm Angry Ian!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Woo!
346
00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:59,120
Yeah?
347
00:14:59,120 --> 00:15:01,080
I'm your host for tonight.
348
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:02,600
I'm washing up alone again.
349
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,840
Why? Good question.
350
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:10,120
Marriage. She... Hey, you know.
351
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:12,600
I should never have got married.
It was a big mistake.
352
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,200
I mean proper mistake.
353
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,520
What I said was,
"Will you carry me?"
354
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:19,360
You know?
355
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:20,760
Cos I were drunk.
356
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:22,080
So...
357
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:23,840
Not "marry", so that's the...
358
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:27,360
And...and then, get this,
359
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,760
she said I'm a lousy lover.
360
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:30,000
Lousy!
361
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,360
You horrible, evil bitch!
362
00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:32,520
AUDIENCE TUTS AND MUTTERS
363
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:33,640
So...
364
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:37,720
..moving on. Moving on.
365
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,400
Will you welcome to the stage,
all the way from over there,
366
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,160
Mr Brian Willaborn.
367
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:44,000
UNENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE
368
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,880
Something wrong with the lights.
They keep flashing, like that.
369
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:52,640
Oh, I've got epilepsy.
370
00:15:52,640 --> 00:15:54,240
Oh. Oh. Oh, dear.
371
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:58,000
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Come on then, Brian!
372
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,680
Yeah, come on, Brian. You're on.
373
00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:02,680
Go on.
374
00:16:02,680 --> 00:16:05,280
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
Good...good luck.
375
00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:07,560
Ohh...
376
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:09,880
Alma Nuthall.
377
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:12,120
AUDIENCE WHOOPS AND APPLAUDS
378
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:13,400
Tough crowd.
379
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,080
Woo!
380
00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:24,880
LAUGHTER
381
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:28,600
So I like to start with a tit shake.
I just feel it relaxes people.
382
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,600
LAUGHTER
383
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:38,560
I come from a long line of eccentric
female Boltonians.
384
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:40,560
One of them's in tonight.
385
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:43,800
Give a "woo" to Grandma Joan.
386
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:45,520
AUDIENCE: Woo!
387
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:46,880
APPLAUSE
388
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:50,360
One in six of us believe we've been
abducted by aliens.
389
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:52,600
One in three of us
believe we are an alien.
390
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:53,880
LAUGHTER
391
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:57,200
Take A Break is less of a magazine
to us and more of a family album.
392
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,920
LAUGHTER
393
00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:03,440
Yeah. Like, we... Funerals, we bring
an extra coffin, just in case.
394
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,960
LAUGHTER
395
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:09,720
Grandma gets terrible at Christmas.
She's real dramatic and maudlin.
396
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:14,080
"I don't want to sit in the corner
like a leftover piece of turkey."
397
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,040
"I couldn't possibly."
398
00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:20,080
"I've just defrosted a loaf...and
it needs eating."
399
00:17:20,080 --> 00:17:22,080
Then she put the phone down,
didn't you?
400
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:23,720
I did!
401
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:25,520
LAUGHTER
402
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:26,680
APPLAUSE
403
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,880
Thank you! Goodnight!
404
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:30,000
Woo!
405
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,040
Woo!
406
00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:36,960
Well, I've done it.
407
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,360
What?
408
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:41,960
You were talking about me up there.
409
00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:44,240
Through you...
410
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,160
..I was on that stage.
411
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,920
You were brilliant tonight, Alma.
412
00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,480
You're definitely the funniest
person on the planet.
413
00:17:58,040 --> 00:17:59,640
Think that's a bit much.
414
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:01,560
No, I don't think so.
415
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:09,400
Do you know, I'm proud of every
rebellious decision I've ever made.
416
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,080
Hmm.
417
00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:12,320
I mean, look at you.
418
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,320
I've not done so bad, have I?
419
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:17,960
No.
420
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:20,680
Bob the speakers on.
421
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,040
I want Edith. OK.
422
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:29,840
MUSIC: Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien,
by Edith Piaf
423
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:41,800
Non, rien de rien
424
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:47,480
Non, je ne regrette rien
425
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:52,720
Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait
426
00:18:52,720 --> 00:18:54,680
Ni le mal
427
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:58,720
Tout ca m'est bien egal
428
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:04,040
Non, rien de rien
429
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:08,840
Non, je ne regrette rien
430
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:14,360
C'est paye, balaye
431
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:17,600
Oublie
432
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:22,560
Je me fous du passe.
433
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:24,960
JOAN COUGHS
434
00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:29,440
I'd like to see everyone tomorrow.
435
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,440
Before...
SHE COUGHS
436
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,080
Hmm!
437
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:37,320
THEY CHUCKLE
438
00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:40,840
Aww. He's lovely, isn't he?
439
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:43,280
What's he called?
440
00:19:44,680 --> 00:19:45,880
Koo.
441
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:47,120
Koo? Yeah.
442
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,600
I don't know why.
I just like it.
443
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:50,720
Fair enough.
444
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:56,160
I feel really loved
and protected by him.
445
00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:59,960
He's masterful, but deeply kind.
446
00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:05,680
I hope you find
someone as kind as Koo.
447
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:10,680
WHISPERS: 'Night, Grandma.
448
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:12,040
Night-night, sweetheart.
449
00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:14,160
Mm.
450
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:16,920
SHE COUGHS
451
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:29,600
They taste exactly the same as
the big ones,
452
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,760
only they're so much smaller so you
can fit them in your handbag.
453
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,200
That's brilliant.
454
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,760
That's brilliant, cos when your
blood sugar drops
455
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,880
and you're out and
about, you're fucked.
456
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:39,920
Exactly.
457
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,840
Evie, I saw that!
458
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:46,840
What? It's not like she'll need it
where she's going.
459
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:51,000
Right, take what you want,
but not the telly or my penis.
460
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,880
That sculpture's priceless to me.
461
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,120
I always carry an emergency
Chomp in my bag.
462
00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:59,480
You never! I do.
463
00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:03,200
SHE CACKLES
464
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:04,360
You're joking!
465
00:21:04,360 --> 00:21:05,440
No. I always have one!
466
00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:06,840
Look in my bag.
467
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:13,720
Oh, hiya, Dickie.
468
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:14,760
Hiya, love.
469
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,080
Right, Joany, I've brought
you some lavender
470
00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:20,000
and some chives from my garden.
Anti-cancer herb, chive.
471
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:22,560
Bit late for that, Dickie.
Have a whiff of that.
472
00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:24,280
Oh, yeah, that's lovely.
473
00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:25,360
You like it? Mm.
474
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:28,360
Oh, yeah, it's lovely, that.
475
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:30,600
Oh, yeah, it's lovely, that.
476
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,680
Bob that under your pillow at night,
you'll sleep like a baby.
477
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:37,560
Evie!
478
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:38,960
What?
479
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,040
Something to remember her by.
480
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:43,360
Oh, that you can definitely have.
481
00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:45,200
Look what the cat's dragged in.
482
00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:50,560
Joan. Oh, Jim.
483
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,320
Hello, Mother. Oh, hello, you.
484
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,720
You're not going to shout
today, are you?
485
00:21:58,720 --> 00:21:59,920
I'm very tired.
486
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,040
For fuck's sake,
I'm not going to do, am I?
487
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:03,840
I brought you
some fucking grapes.
488
00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,840
LIN CRIES
489
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:13,560
Oh, Lin. Come here...
490
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,160
..you silly sod. It's all right.
491
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,440
What you doing with that?!
492
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:23,080
Bloody fun police again!
493
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:25,040
It's not a fucking party, Evie!
494
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:27,800
I'm celebrating
my sister's life, Lin.
495
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:29,320
Put that fag out an' all!
496
00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:32,520
They've done enough damage
to our Joany as it is.
497
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:34,920
They can't do much more to me now.
Give us a drag.
498
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:46,880
Fabulous.
499
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:49,600
JOAN COUGHS
500
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:52,000
Want some of this? Hmm. Hmm.
501
00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,160
Take it. Oh, lovely.
502
00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:02,560
Ta.
503
00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:05,440
Hey, Joany, do you remember
when we used to go
504
00:23:05,440 --> 00:23:08,280
and nick Dad's baccy,
smoke it in the coal shed?
505
00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:09,400
Eh?
506
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:11,960
Yeah.
507
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:15,160
We snuck a lot of stuff into that
coal shed, didn't we?
508
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:16,360
Eh?
509
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:18,680
First the ciggies, then the boys.
THEY GIGGLE
510
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:20,520
Horrible, you two!
511
00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,240
Bloody hell, Joany! Hmm.
512
00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:31,400
Evie! She said anything
but the penis.
513
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,160
I don't remember that.
514
00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,040
Selfish cow!
515
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,040
I'm the cow?!
516
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:38,480
YOU'RE the cow!
517
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:43,040
Moo! Moo! Moo! Moo!
Oh, don't start all that again!
518
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,640
Moo! Moo! Come on!
Moo! Moo!
519
00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:48,840
Moo! Moo! Moo-moo! Moo-moo-moo!
520
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:51,440
Mum? Mum?!
521
00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:55,320
Mum?!
522
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:13,920
FART
523
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:18,480
Mum?
524
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:24,320
It's the last gasp, Lin.
525
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:28,400
It's when the soul
leaves the body.
526
00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:31,200
What, through your arse?!
527
00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:43,240
SNIFFLING
528
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:47,760
Oh...
529
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:51,120
..look at the moon.
530
00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:10,120
She really let one
rip, our Joany, didn't she?
531
00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:11,600
Stinks in here.
532
00:25:32,080 --> 00:25:35,000
There was nobody
quite like my grandma.
533
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:36,400
She was completely unique.
534
00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:38,520
A tour de force.
535
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:40,600
A whirlwind.
536
00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:43,280
She was full of contradictions.
537
00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:47,520
Ferocious, but deeply sensitive.
538
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:51,400
Full of love, with an acid tongue.
539
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:55,440
Other-worldly and wise
540
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:59,160
but with the undiluted innocence
and enthusiasm of a child.
541
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:02,480
She loved Spam and Chanel.
542
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:04,240
QUIET CHUCKLES
543
00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:07,920
She hated pretension
but drank red wine out of a tumbler
544
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:09,080
"to feel more Basque".
545
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:10,720
LAUGHTER
546
00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:11,800
She was a clown.
547
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:14,440
She was a beauty.
548
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:16,800
She was a witch.
549
00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:19,880
She was a star.
550
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:21,400
SHE SNIFFS
551
00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:22,880
And I'll miss her...
552
00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:25,720
..forever.
553
00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:32,320
Thank you.
554
00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:50,280
MUSIC: Boombastic
by Shaggy
555
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:52,200
Mr Boombastic
556
00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:55,880
What you want is some Boombastic,
romantic
557
00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:58,160
Fantastic lover
558
00:26:58,160 --> 00:26:59,280
Shaggy
559
00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:03,320
Mr Lover lover, mm
560
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:05,640
Mr Lover lover
561
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:06,720
Hehe, girl
562
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,600
Mr Lover lover, mm
563
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:11,920
Mr Lover lover
564
00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:14,680
She call me Mr Boombastic.
565
00:27:20,040 --> 00:27:22,200
DOOR CREAKS OPEN
566
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,080
SHE SNIFFS
567
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:46,360
MUSIC: Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien,
by Edith Piaf
568
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:56,360
Non, rien de rien
569
00:27:56,360 --> 00:28:01,960
Non, je ne regrette rien
570
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:07,240
Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait
571
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:09,360
Ni le mal
572
00:28:09,360 --> 00:28:13,280
Tout ca m'est bien egal
573
00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:18,120
Non, rien de rien
574
00:28:18,120 --> 00:28:20,960
Non, je ne regrette...
575
00:28:21,010 --> 00:28:25,560
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