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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,960
Hmm.
When I think about what you've become...
2
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:06,480
Becoming Grandma's carer meant
3
00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:08,800
running around after
her like a disgruntled butler.
4
00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:11,520
And the main side
effect of radiotherapy
5
00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:13,800
seems to be treating
your butler like a cunt.
6
00:00:13,800 --> 00:00:15,080
Here you go.
7
00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:16,680
It's burnt.
8
00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:19,640
But you can't tell a sick person
to fuck off, can you?
9
00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:21,400
No problem, Madame.
10
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:22,840
I'll make you another one.
11
00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:24,120
Hmm.
12
00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:25,520
When the radio plays...
13
00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:27,640
After weeks of radiotherapy,
14
00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:30,600
medications, X-rays,
scans, waiting rooms,
15
00:00:30,600 --> 00:00:32,520
waiting rooms, more waiting rooms,
16
00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:35,040
reassuring smiles,
disappointing crumpets
17
00:00:35,040 --> 00:00:36,280
and daytime telly,
18
00:00:36,280 --> 00:00:38,480
the cancer went from this...
19
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:40,200
..to this.
20
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:41,600
So we celebrated.
21
00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:45,000
She's still refusing chemo,
but I'll win her round.
22
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,600
Doctors call Grandma
a medical marvel,
23
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:50,240
which, of course,
she's not stopped bragging about.
24
00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:52,440
The biggest one they'd
ever seen, Sharon.
25
00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:53,960
Now...
26
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,240
..half the size.
27
00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:56,600
And do you know who did that?
28
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,080
The oncologist?
29
00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:00,560
Me! I did it with my
fungal toe last year.
30
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,560
I sat down with it and I said,
31
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:04,120
"You and I are going to have words.
32
00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:06,480
"Oh, yes, you're
very big, aren't you,
33
00:01:06,480 --> 00:01:08,560
"yeah, yeah, you're very impressive.
34
00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:10,960
"Yeah, well you can fuck off!"
35
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:12,320
Now?
36
00:01:13,360 --> 00:01:14,520
This big.
37
00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:17,680
So I didn't have to spend a eight
gruelling weeks looking after you
38
00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:20,440
cos you could've just told it
to fuck off, of course?
39
00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:23,120
I was very stoical, Sharon.
40
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:24,400
Oh, yeah.
41
00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:27,720
And now my stint as a bag-carrying
butler's come to an end,
42
00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,440
I've got a bit more spare time.
43
00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:32,520
Lovely to meet you.
44
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,080
Can I take your number?
45
00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:36,000
Let's not ruin a good thing, Leo.
46
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,520
Bye, darling.
47
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,520
And it's not just Tinder
I've being scrolling,
48
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,280
it's the job pages, too.
49
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:46,720
Bolton's viral sensation,
50
00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:49,440
Angry Ian, is back in town
and hosting classes.
51
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,480
Ian will make you a comedy star.
52
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,000
Fabulous.
53
00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,120
No!
54
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,320
No, no, no, no!
55
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:04,600
How you hold a mic says
a lot about you as a comic.
56
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,120
Too floppy, Eileen.
57
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,880
Brian, are you talking
through your nipple?
58
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,240
What's it doing down there?
59
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:15,400
Denise, have you eaten
your microphone?
60
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:17,320
WHISPERS: I don't know.
61
00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:18,400
Have another.
62
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:19,800
Aloha!
63
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:21,400
You're back, Ian!
64
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:23,880
Bloody hell fire!
65
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:25,360
Listen, I want to join your class.
66
00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:28,080
I've been thinking,
"Why wait around for casting calls?"
67
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:29,480
I want to try stand-up.
68
00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:31,280
I mean you're an inspiration, Ian.
69
00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:32,920
If you can go viral, anybody can.
70
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,640
Rude.
71
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:36,480
Well, welcome back.
72
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:38,920
Come in, sit down.
Thank you. Oh, eh.
73
00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:41,920
Here, grab a carrot.
74
00:02:41,920 --> 00:02:44,040
Fabulous. Thank you. Just in time.
75
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:47,280
Cos today we're going to be
talking about your USPs.
76
00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:49,680
What's a USP, class?
77
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,920
Is it a hard drive?
78
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:56,200
No, it's not a hard drive, Lesley.
79
00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,840
USP, unique selling point.
80
00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:01,080
Yeah?
81
00:03:01,080 --> 00:03:03,560
The question you need
to ask yourself is this.
82
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,760
What makes you stand
out from the rest?
83
00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:09,680
Lesley, your low self-esteem makes
you a terrible judge of character.
84
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:13,440
You should write about being
catfished four times in six weeks.
85
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,320
And maybe, if you're bold enough,
86
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,000
you should write about
you catfishing Kevin.
87
00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:24,040
Denise, you write about your strange
relationship with the carrot.
88
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:25,560
Yeah?
89
00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:28,080
I mean, me, married and
divorced in one lockdown.
90
00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:31,080
Cruel wife, even crueller mother.
91
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:33,840
Finally embraced my
rage on t'internet,
92
00:03:33,840 --> 00:03:35,080
and bam!
93
00:03:36,560 --> 00:03:38,400
There it is,
94
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,680
my unique selling point.
95
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:43,320
Is that unique?
96
00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:46,040
I thought a lot of men were
doing that on the internet?
97
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,280
No, look.
98
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:51,280
I'll leave you with
this question, class.
99
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,120
Who are you?
100
00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:01,200
I don't know who I am, Ian.
101
00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,920
Look at him with
his dog-dirt eyes
102
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:09,040
Look at him
with his dog-dirt eyes!
103
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,400
Look at her
with her rabbit's fur teeth
104
00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:14,320
Look at him with his
dressing gown nose...
105
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,080
I've come for me cheeky Vimto.
106
00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:17,680
Look at him, look
at him, look at...
107
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,040
Why am I looking at a
line of bare arses?
108
00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:23,560
We're re-auditioning
for Chaps Tuesday.
109
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,040
Two of the lads have quit.
110
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,680
Doris has been banned.
111
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:28,040
She's a fucking menace.
112
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:30,160
Oh, right.
113
00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:33,080
Let's have a look.
114
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,000
Well, I mean,
115
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,640
number four's clearly
the star of this show.
116
00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:38,960
Mm.
117
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,920
Number three's quite flat.
118
00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:42,920
Number three, you can go.
119
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,240
Sorry.
120
00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:49,280
What's my USP?
121
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:50,600
Eh?
122
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:53,480
Ian says we need something
sellable and unique about us.
123
00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:55,480
What would mine be?
124
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,440
Mannerisms of a truck driver.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
125
00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:59,280
Innate sex appeal of Debbie Harry.
126
00:04:59,280 --> 00:05:01,120
Thanks, babe. You're welcome.
127
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:02,920
Hello. What is mine?
128
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:04,400
I don't know, babe.
129
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,600
Right, OK. Now...
130
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,000
..I'm leaning towards four.
131
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,640
I like an arse you
can take a nap on.
132
00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,000
Mm.
133
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,840
It's number one all day for me.
134
00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:15,720
Guess who's dead.
135
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,680
What? No.
136
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,640
Alice.
137
00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:23,000
Oh, no!
138
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,640
Who the fuck is Alice?
139
00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:27,680
My mother.
140
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,120
Ta, girls!
141
00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:36,520
Great Granny Alice used to
babysit me every Friday night,
142
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,400
when Grandma would
fuck off to Mondo's.
143
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,080
She wasn't much of a hugger.
144
00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:43,480
She wasn't much of a talker either.
145
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:45,960
So, at Christmas-time, nobody
would know how pissed she was
146
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,560
until she fell off her chair.
147
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,840
Alice Nuttall was born here
148
00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:52,480
in 1934.
149
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:54,200
As part of slum clearance,
150
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:56,760
she moved here and never left.
151
00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:59,520
She spent her life
surrounded by babies and bedbugs,
152
00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:01,400
and was absolutely fuming about it.
153
00:06:02,400 --> 00:06:04,000
She went through one world war,
154
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,920
one marriage, four births,
155
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,360
five miscarriages,
156
00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,520
43 physical fights with her children
157
00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:13,320
and 50,000 slices of Warburtons
extra toastie loaf with jam on.
158
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,360
I think she might have
been a bit of a bitch.
159
00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:17,920
But I adored her.
160
00:06:26,680 --> 00:06:29,360
The problem with a parent dying is
you have to see all the arseholes
161
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,920
you've spent
a lifetime trying to avoid.
162
00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:33,880
Grandma's one of four kids
163
00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:35,760
and none of them came out unscathed,
164
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,400
from the wrath of Alice and poverty.
165
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,800
SHOUTING AND HEAVY METAL MUSIC
166
00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:43,520
Well, I'm actually looking
forward to seeing everyone.
167
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:46,040
It's been quite isolating
being your butler.
168
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:47,640
And Mum's no use nor ornament.
169
00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,800
I don't do sick people.
170
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,400
We didn't see you for weeks.
171
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:54,040
Oh, sorry, we haven't got
time for a pity party, Alma.
172
00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:55,320
Right, gifts!
173
00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:57,920
Oh, no more gifts, Lin, please!
174
00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,480
No-one enjoys this compulsion
175
00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:01,800
for forcing strange
gifts on people, you know.
176
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,120
Oh, I am so comfy.
177
00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:07,240
Scabby Joe's is comfy, Jim.
178
00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:10,520
I've made it dead homely,
candles everywhere.
179
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:12,360
Oh, great. More fire.
180
00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:13,600
Very relaxing.
181
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,200
Oh, I do like that.
182
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:18,520
I thought you would.
183
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,040
Oh, yeah.
184
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,400
That's nice.
185
00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:25,680
It's got someone's stuff in it.
186
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,240
Oh.
187
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,160
Who's Debra Wilson?
188
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:34,360
Oh, for God's sake, Lin,
it's all stolen again, isn't it?
189
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:37,320
Just cos it's second-hand doesn't
mean it's not gifted with love.
190
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,400
Second-hand is not
the same as stolen, Lin!
191
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,080
DOORBELL RINGS
192
00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:42,560
Oh, God, it's Evie!
193
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:43,640
Fuck.
194
00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:46,400
I'm going to need a pipe in the
garden before I see that crow again.
195
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:51,200
Whatever you do, don't
mention my cancer to Evie.
196
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,720
She'll be so smug
I got it before her.
197
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,000
Will she, though?
198
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:02,120
Yeah.
199
00:08:02,120 --> 00:08:03,760
She will be.
200
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,000
This is Grandma's youngest sister,
201
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,320
evil Auntie Evie.
202
00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:13,320
She's had five face lifts,
203
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,680
been done for fraud,
arson and robbery,
204
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,320
and she's the only person I know
205
00:08:17,320 --> 00:08:20,560
who's successfully managed
to sue the NHS three times.
206
00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:23,880
When she found out
Granny Alice had dementia,
207
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,480
she'd steal her belongings
and sell them back to her.
208
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:27,720
I like that!
209
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:28,880
I knew you would.
210
00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:31,200
20 quid?
211
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,880
You look rough.
212
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,280
How many men have you
embezzled to get that face?
213
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:36,640
Who's this?
214
00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:37,880
Oh!
215
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,560
Just a new friend.
216
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:41,400
I'm looking after him for a bit.
217
00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:44,040
Oh, hiya, Alma, love.
218
00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:45,560
Hiya, Evie.
219
00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:46,920
Oi!
220
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:51,440
Some pocket money from
your favourite Auntie.
221
00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:52,960
Oh, thanks. You're...
222
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,920
..eczema's cleared up, hasn't it?
223
00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:56,720
Well, about ten years ago.
224
00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,360
How old are you now?
225
00:08:58,360 --> 00:08:59,760
40?
226
00:09:05,040 --> 00:09:06,880
I can't tell if she's
being a dick or not.
227
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,040
No-one can.
228
00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,200
She's not moved her face
since the late '80s.
229
00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:11,520
COUGHING
230
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:14,520
Do you want to come in?
231
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:15,720
Thank you.
232
00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:18,560
Oh, it's pokier than I remember.
233
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:23,120
But, mind you, my
farmhouse is so big.
234
00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:25,040
"Farmhouse"? Since when?
235
00:09:25,040 --> 00:09:27,280
It's been ready for two months now.
236
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:30,000
Is it Don's farmhouse
you're staying at?
237
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,160
Yeah. It is.
238
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:34,640
Well, ding dong,
the witch is dead, eh? Yeah.
239
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,240
Don't be mean, you two.
240
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:37,760
I loved Granny Alice.
241
00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,080
Sentimentality is a
mental illness, Alma.
242
00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:41,280
Mmm.
243
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,520
DOOR CLOSES
244
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:43,800
Here she is.
245
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:45,080
GROANING
246
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:46,160
Oh, God.
247
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:48,960
Oh, Joany!
248
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:52,160
Grandma's Sister, Auntie Ange.
249
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:54,240
Heart of gold but a lot going on.
250
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:57,360
We first realised she was struggling
251
00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,520
when she started knitting
clothes for the hamster.
252
00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:01,160
She's stopped that now,
253
00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:03,160
but she still talks at double speed
254
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:05,240
and finishes most
sentences in tears.
255
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,760
I'm not going to let it happen
again to another hamster, I promise.
256
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:10,520
Oh!
257
00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,680
It's just awful, 'in't it? Yeah.
258
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:17,240
Oh, Alma! Hello. Hi.
259
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:19,240
It's so sad, 'in't it?
260
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:24,120
Oh, is this...? Is this your coat,
Alma? It's lovely that, 'in't it?
261
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,840
Do you like it?
Er, yeah, I like my coat, Ange.
262
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,240
Oh, put it on for me.
263
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:30,320
Eh? Yeah, go on, let's have a look.
264
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:32,600
Oh, right, OK.
265
00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,840
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, I can see
you like your coat, Alma.
266
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:36,440
Yeah, give us a twirl.
267
00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:37,680
Yeah.
268
00:10:37,680 --> 00:10:40,960
Yeah, you look cosy, warm
and dead stylish in it.
269
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:44,000
Having a coat, it's
so important, 'in't it?
270
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,880
I got me mum a lovely new coat
just before she...
271
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,080
Oh!
272
00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,800
Fuck me, Ange!
273
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:52,880
Straight in with the
performance of the year!
274
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,440
Don't you start on me!
275
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:57,480
I will not have you stepping
on my grief. I loved my mum.
276
00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,240
Oh, no, how could we forget?
277
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,320
Everything had become about you -
YOUR mum, YOUR grief.
278
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:03,920
Ooh, what's all that?
279
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,680
Get your mucky paws out of there.
280
00:11:06,680 --> 00:11:08,040
Oh, it's our Lin.
281
00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:11,000
Hiya, love. Oh, you poor love.
282
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,400
You've had a terrible time of it,
haven't you? You poor lamb.
283
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:15,480
You've really suffered, haven't you?
SHE'S suffered?!
284
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,280
It's not been easy, Ange.
285
00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:19,240
You know what a dragon my mum is.
286
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:21,760
She drives you to drugs,
to be honest.
287
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:23,520
All right, cockers?
288
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,000
Uncle Dickie,
289
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,840
life and soul of the
party, and my favourite.
290
00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:31,080
Funnier than Peter Kay
and smarter than Fred Dibnah.
291
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,720
Never spoke about his
feelings until he turned 50
292
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,120
and started quietly
crying by the back door.
293
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:37,880
She never loved me, my mother.
294
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:40,960
Hey, uncle Dickie!
295
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,560
Hey! Eh, watch me hands,
watch me fags!
296
00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:45,800
Oh, hiya, Dick.
297
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,120
Bloody hell, Joany!
298
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:50,400
You look more and more like
Dad every time I see you.
299
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:51,640
Look at her.
300
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:52,960
It's Dad wi' tits!
301
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,360
THEY LAUGH
302
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:56,320
Yes, she's always
had very mannish features.
303
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:57,680
Yeah, so did you, once.
304
00:11:57,680 --> 00:11:59,560
You do look good, Evie.
Course she does.
305
00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:01,080
She's had four thread lifts.
306
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:03,200
She's got the face of
a drawstring purse!
307
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,480
DOORBELL RINGS AND LAUGHTER
308
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:06,280
Right, that's going to
be the funeral director.
309
00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:08,400
Right, and before we start,
310
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,960
no monologues from you today, Ange!
311
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,560
Right?
312
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:15,240
She loved green and gold.
313
00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,640
Whenever I went to the charity shop,
314
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:21,800
I'd always be searching
for anything green and gold.
315
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:23,560
And whatever it were,
316
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,360
if it were green and gold,
317
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:26,720
I'd get it for her.
318
00:12:26,720 --> 00:12:28,920
Cos I knew...she'd just love it.
319
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,240
It were her colours, you see,
320
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,320
green and gold.
321
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,760
Oh, I'm going for a fag.
322
00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:36,160
I can't just sit here,
323
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:38,440
listening to you waffling on, Ange.
324
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:42,640
Well, the coffins don't come in that
particular colour combination,
325
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:44,600
but, erm, we could have
something custom made.
326
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,600
Brilliant. That sounds expensive.
327
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,360
What's your cheapest coffin?
328
00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:51,560
Oh, that would be this one.
329
00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:53,160
"Earth's Embrace."
330
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,720
Very reasonable and biodegradable.
331
00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,160
I don't want mum in a shoe box!
332
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,000
Could bob a few
patterns on it, Ange.
333
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:01,600
I'm a dab hand with a lathe.
334
00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:04,160
Can we not just pop her in a
plastic bag and be done with it?
335
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:05,640
Oh! Let's just pay for it.
336
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,240
Where's Mum's card?
337
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,240
Thank you.
338
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,960
There we are. If you'd just
like to put your pin in, please.
339
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,840
It's 2-0-5-9.
340
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,640
So, will there be a church service?
341
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:23,160
Nope.
342
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,760
Evie can't go into a church,
she'll set on fire.
343
00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:30,000
Oh, I'm afraid that's been declined.
344
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,720
Do you have another card maybe?
345
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:33,240
What have you done?
346
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:38,640
I might have skimmed a little bit
off the top to pay for my new nose.
347
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,600
It's what mum would've wanted.
348
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:42,920
She always said I had
a deeply unfortunate nose.
349
00:13:42,920 --> 00:13:44,600
You'll go to hell, you will, Evie!
350
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,240
I'll see you at the bar, Joany!
351
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:47,840
You're a bitch, you, Evie!
352
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:49,600
Oh, woof, woof, woof!
353
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,000
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!
354
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:52,440
Oh, shut up, the pair of you!
355
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,000
Don't you tell me what to do, bitch!
356
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,720
Don't you tell me what to do, bitch!
357
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,600
Woof, woof, woof! Woof, woof, woof!
358
00:13:57,600 --> 00:13:59,520
Woof, woof, woof! Woof!
359
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,960
THEY ALL BARK
360
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:08,840
Can everyone just stop
barking at each other?
361
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,080
I can see this is a
difficult time. Yeah.
362
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:12,880
I'll give you a ring.
363
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:18,600
Are you all right, Mum?
364
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,000
Joany?
365
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,960
Oh. Here she goes with
the performing antics again.
366
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,160
Fuck off, Evie, she's got cancer!
367
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,400
Lin! What? What?
368
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,360
What? "Cancer"?!
369
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:32,080
I thought you looked rough.
370
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:36,480
Get that smug grin off
your shovel of a face.
371
00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:38,000
Oh, Joany.
372
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:42,560
You were so full of hope
and possibility as a child.
373
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,560
You had your whole life ahead of you
374
00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:46,160
and then it just went...
375
00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:47,560
FARTING NOISE
376
00:14:50,320 --> 00:14:52,080
And now it's over.
377
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:54,720
Who put 50p in t'knobhead?
378
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:56,120
She's not dead, Ange.
379
00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,360
Not yet, anyway.
380
00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:59,920
Oh, you'll be dead before
me if you keep carrying on.
381
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:01,320
What can we do for t'help?
382
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,040
Well, she won't do the chemo.
383
00:15:03,040 --> 00:15:05,560
Oh, Alma!
384
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,040
I'm sorry.
Why the bloody hell not?
385
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,720
Classic Joan.
Stubborn to the bitter end.
386
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:14,160
Oh, just shut up, all of you,
just stop it!
387
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:15,920
Just stop it, all of you.
388
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:17,640
In fact, I want you out.
389
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,680
I want you out right now!
390
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,600
I want you all out now!
391
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:24,080
And that is my bag!
392
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:25,920
Well, technically,
it's Debra Wilson's.
393
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:27,480
Out!
394
00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:29,600
Shoo! Shoo! All of you, out!
395
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,840
No! Hey! You're not kicking us
out again. It's not Christmas.
396
00:15:32,840 --> 00:15:35,280
We need for t'talk
about this as a family
397
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:36,440
Not you, Don.
398
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:39,040
Fine, if you don't go I will!
399
00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:42,600
Hey, it's your house! Yeah.
400
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:45,560
DOOR SLAMS
401
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:48,280
Well, that's the first time she's
kicked herself out of the house.
402
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:49,720
THEY GIGGLE
403
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:53,640
I've got an idea.
404
00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:55,320
I know where we can get a coffin.
405
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:58,320
Mum, we're going to need
your cat burglary skills.
406
00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:04,960
MUSIC: Together The Better
Altitude Music And Bea Parks
407
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,680
Oh, God, not the alien
abduction chat again.
408
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:15,120
As I've said before,
409
00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:17,400
why the would they come to
Bolton and abduct you lot?
410
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,680
Rhesus D negative blood group!
411
00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,160
Very rare, us lot.
412
00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:22,520
Told ya.
413
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:25,040
I was just walking home
when I had mine.
414
00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:26,680
Saw t'flyin' saucer.
415
00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:28,280
Next minute, I were being beamed up.
416
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:29,640
ALMA SCOFFS
417
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:30,960
What time were this?
418
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,240
It was after 11, clubs had shut.
419
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,800
I was on the way home from
the dentist when I had mine.
420
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:37,480
I'd just had a root canal.
421
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,200
They've never bothered with me.
422
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,840
I've been trying to
make contact for years.
423
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:42,640
It's because you're too dull, Ange!
424
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,120
They'd be bored in
half an hour with you.
425
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:48,120
Oh, they're here.
426
00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:55,320
Why have they took the sign?
427
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:56,960
I said, "Just the coffin."
428
00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:00,040
Hello, Mum.
429
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,440
THEY LAUGH
430
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,440
Oh, fantastic.
431
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,000
CHEERING
432
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,600
To Mum's cat burglary skills!
433
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:10,920
And to Alice!
434
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,840
ALL: Cheers!
435
00:17:12,840 --> 00:17:15,120
Enjoy yourself
436
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:18,400
It's later than you think
437
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,760
Enjoy yourself
438
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:24,000
While you're still in the pink
439
00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,160
The years go by
440
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,880
As quickly as you wink
441
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:34,000
Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself
442
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,160
It's later than you think.
443
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,760
Turns out he wasn't a Prince.
444
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,040
I'm still paying off the loans
445
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:43,840
and I still live in Bury.
446
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:50,160
That's more of a sad statement,
than a joke, though, Lesley.
447
00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:51,800
Mm? Right.
448
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,440
Alma, you're up next. Oh.
449
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:01,480
Woo!
450
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,400
I like to start
with a tit shake.
451
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:06,160
I just feel it relaxes people.
452
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,600
Yes, go on, Lesley.
453
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,520
Right...
454
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:13,280
So, I'm from Bolton -
455
00:18:13,280 --> 00:18:16,080
the place where people
eat kebabs for breakfast.
456
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:19,960
No? OK.
457
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,080
Um...
458
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:25,000
You don't have to get dressed
when you go out in Bolton.
459
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,960
My local chippy's like the nightwear
section of a Matalan catalogue.
460
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:33,880
Um, er...
461
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,680
People think that
Northerners are friendly.
462
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,360
We're not, are we?
463
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,000
We're just fucking nosey.
464
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,280
Right, apart from being
slightly offensive,
465
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:47,880
it's all a bit dull, Alma. Right.
466
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:50,000
Is that really what's
unique about you?
467
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,960
Being a big-titted,
ginger northerner?
468
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,840
There's nothing wrong with being
a big-titted ginger northerner.
469
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:58,480
Small-breasted women can
actually be very cruel.
470
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:00,520
That checks.
471
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,080
My ex-wife, tiny tits.
472
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,800
We seem to be getting a bit
off track. Can we just...?
473
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,480
Yeah, sorry.
474
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,400
I need to know more about you.
475
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:10,680
Mm-hm. Mm-hm?
476
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,280
Like my new stand-up show...
477
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:15,760
My new stand-up show,
478
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:17,440
Washing Up Alone Again,
479
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:19,000
is very raw,
480
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:20,880
very personal.
481
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:24,240
And that honesty is where
you'll find the humour, too.
482
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:26,840
Well...
483
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:28,840
..not in Lesley's case, obviously.
484
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,160
Grandma!
485
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:35,440
Where are you?
486
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:38,680
The taxi's waiting!
487
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,680
Hello?
488
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:48,200
You can't just let
yourself in unexpectedly.
489
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:50,520
I could have been
having an orgy in here.
490
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,240
In that?
491
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:55,080
Could do.
On the day of your mother's funeral?
492
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:56,920
SIGHS
What do you want?
493
00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,400
I've come to pick you up, haven't I?
Why are you not dressed?
494
00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:00,920
I'm not going.
495
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:03,080
It's your mum's funeral, Grandma!
496
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:04,680
Oh, God.
497
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,360
I'm swamped.
498
00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:08,960
Why are you doing this?
499
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,720
Cos I don't want to go.
500
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:12,560
Well, what about everybody else?
501
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:15,080
Uncle Dickie, Mum, Ange, me.
502
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:16,440
We all want you to go.
503
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:18,440
I don't know why you're bothering.
504
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,280
Because it's nice to bother.
505
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:22,760
It's nice to see people.
506
00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:24,440
It's nice to feel part of a family.
507
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:27,040
Listen, I know you've
got your issues with everyone but
508
00:20:27,040 --> 00:20:29,360
they're not the enemy that
you make them out to be.
509
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:31,720
Ange is actually
quite sweet and kind.
510
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:33,960
Uncle Dickie's hilarious
and adores you.
511
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,280
Yeah, Evie's a bitch,
but if you watch your handbag,
512
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,520
she's actually quite
fun to get pissed with.
513
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,200
Everybody cares.
514
00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:42,880
Everyone wants you to do the chemo.
515
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:44,440
Oh, don't start with that!
516
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:45,760
Fine.
517
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,480
Well, I'm going to go.
518
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:50,840
You only get one chance
to say goodbye to your mum.
519
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,280
Don't miss it.
520
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:58,480
SHE SIGHS, DOOR CLOSES
521
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,720
CHURCH BELLS RING
522
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,200
Where's Mum? She's not coming.
523
00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,640
Oh, quelle surprise!
524
00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:12,920
Mum, you can't wear a cape to your
grandma's funeral. Take it off.
525
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:16,720
And, Jim, why are you
dressed as a skeleton?
526
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,440
Well, didn't have owt black.
527
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,320
We got 'em from Ghouls R Us.
528
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:23,360
Great!
529
00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:25,480
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS
530
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:31,800
CLEARS THROAT
531
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:34,280
Anna Nuttall.
532
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:36,480
Alice.
533
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:37,920
Sorry.
534
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:39,360
Alice Nuttall...
535
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:41,320
..was a kind mother.
536
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,520
Locking me in t'coal shed,
what's kind about that?
537
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,000
Alice Nuttall was a mother.
538
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,520
Barely.
539
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:51,160
Alice Nuttall was a human being.
540
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,280
Hmm, we're not sure
about that either.
541
00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:58,320
Hiya, Joany.
542
00:21:58,320 --> 00:21:59,680
Budge up, Jim.
543
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,240
Come on, Mum.
544
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:08,120
I'm guessing she was
a complex woman...
545
00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:09,600
..from the heckles.
546
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:10,920
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
547
00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:17,200
I've, um, written a poem
I'd like to read, actually.
548
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,160
No, Ange, nobody wants to hear it.
549
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,400
Yeah, not right now, Ange. Sorry.
550
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:34,560
And let us remember
her undeniable spirit
551
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:36,960
Will live on in our hearts.
552
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,600
Thank you.
553
00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:46,720
Mum, what the fuck?
554
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:50,320
Yeah, he learnt to play
when he was inside,
555
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:53,640
but he can only do it when he's
one of his other personalities.
556
00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,160
This is Tim.
557
00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:04,400
Ave
558
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:11,880
Maria...
559
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:35,920
Goodbye, Mother.
560
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:37,400
Bye, bitch.
561
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:38,880
Pipe down, you.
562
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:42,600
Bye, Mother.
563
00:23:42,600 --> 00:23:44,840
You cold, ruthless hag.
564
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,640
Just wish I could see her
one last time.
565
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:50,920
THUD
566
00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:56,240
SCREAMING
567
00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:02,960
Well, that's a terrifying
moment we'll never forget.
568
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,440
I need a shot of whisky.
569
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:05,880
Me, too.
570
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:07,720
Through the eye. Yeah.
571
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,720
It's just strange to think...
572
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:31,960
..that woman...
573
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,840
..that mother of mine...
574
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:40,680
..mighty mean woman...
575
00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,440
..could fit into such a small box.
576
00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:48,600
That whole person.
577
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,600
Her whole life.
578
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:57,840
Her whole terrible
impact on all of us.
579
00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:00,280
I know.
580
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:05,320
I'm going to do the chemo, Alma.
581
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,160
I'm not ready to be in a tiny box.
582
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:11,560
No.
583
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:12,960
Great.
584
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:15,760
Yep.
585
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:17,400
Yep.
586
00:25:20,200 --> 00:25:22,320
Come on, let's go and have a whisky.
587
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:26,400
Well, yeah, or a virgin...whisky,
considering what we've just... No.
588
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:28,720
Don't be daft. Come on. OK.
589
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:31,840
LAUGHTER
590
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:34,320
Oh, I don't know.
591
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,560
Locking us in the coal shed
was your way of showing love.
592
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:39,320
Who's on t'whiskies?
593
00:25:39,320 --> 00:25:42,120
And we're better people for it,
so keep watching us...
594
00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:45,600
Ange, you're making me
want to die sooner! Please!
595
00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:47,000
We've buried our mother today
596
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:48,960
and this poem is the
worst thing that's happened.
597
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:50,800
I won't let them slag you off, Mum.
598
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,600
Thank you for being a mother
to Evie, Joan, Dickie and me.
599
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:55,400
CHEERING
600
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:56,600
More! More!
601
00:25:58,240 --> 00:25:59,560
She did.
602
00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:01,040
Hey, Joany, Joany.
603
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,480
I'm just telling... What's
your name again sorry? Jim.
604
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:07,760
Jim. I'm just telling Jim about, er
our Kev's wedding, when me Mam came.
605
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:09,000
Oh, bloody hell!
606
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,440
We were all ten sheets to
t'wind by this point, yeah.
607
00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,160
Mum's in t'wheelchair, weren't she,
wi t'blanket on her legs?
608
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:17,360
And, er, we'd done about
ten conga's round her.
609
00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:19,600
And she'd become t'drunken
mascot for t'night.
610
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:22,480
Yeah. Yeah, reluctantly!
Oh, of course, yeah.
611
00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:24,840
And that bloody song
comes on, didn't it?
612
00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:27,200
Eh? So I pushed her into t'middle
of dance floor,
613
00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:28,440
I'm spinning her round,
614
00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:31,080
there's this massive circle
of pissheads all round her,
615
00:26:31,080 --> 00:26:32,720
chanting t'chorus, you remember?
616
00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:34,480
"Alice, Alice..."
617
00:26:34,480 --> 00:26:36,680
ALL: "Who the fuck is Alice?!"
618
00:26:36,680 --> 00:26:38,720
LAUGHTER
619
00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:41,120
And then she turns round
she looks up at me and she goes...
620
00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:43,440
"I don't know."
621
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,280
You remember?
622
00:26:46,280 --> 00:26:48,560
Daft bugger's face
were a bloody picture!
623
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:51,760
Bloody picture.
624
00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:54,280
She got dementia
just after that, didn't she?
625
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:58,560
Yeah.
626
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:00,000
Yeah, she did, yeah.
627
00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:02,320
Very sad.
628
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:08,000
I tell you what, Leanne, these
are phenomenal. You've nailed it.
629
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:10,440
You heard them lot.
630
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:11,960
But the thing is with you, Ange,
631
00:27:11,960 --> 00:27:13,840
is that you're too
boring to be loved.
632
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:17,240
It's true though, isn't it?
633
00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:18,800
I mean, look at Evie.
634
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,840
She's a horrible person,
635
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:22,400
with a wretched soul,
636
00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:25,120
but she's been
married three times. Why?
637
00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:27,120
Skills, Joany.
638
00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:28,640
Oh!
639
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:32,360
That is one of the most
disgusting things I've ever seen.
640
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:36,800
No, no, because she knows
that a story has a beginning,
641
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:38,960
a middle and an end, right?
642
00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:41,560
Which is something that's been
lost on you since birth, Ange.
643
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:44,360
Watch out, Ange,
Joany's on t'two-bottle turn.
644
00:27:44,360 --> 00:27:45,880
I'm right.
645
00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:47,520
Well, I might not be a storyteller
646
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:50,360
but at least I weren't cursed
with dad's chin like you lot.
647
00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:52,280
Go on, Ange!
648
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:55,160
Do you know, I've worked
out what my USP is.
649
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:56,800
It's this mad lot, 'in't it?
650
00:27:56,800 --> 00:27:59,840
I come from a long
line of eccentric Boltonians.
651
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:01,680
I mean, look at 'em.
652
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:06,520
MUSIC STARTS, THEY CHEER
653
00:28:07,600 --> 00:28:09,080
Come on, bitch!
654
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:11,760
But I just don't want to know...
655
00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:16,640
ALL: That for 24 years I've been
living next door to Alice...
656
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:17,960
Alice?
657
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:19,960
Who the fuck is Alice?
658
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:23,560
24 years just waiting
for a chance...
659
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:25,120
Come here, big boy!
660
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:27,720
To tell her how I feel
And maybe get a second chance
661
00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:32,560
Now I've got to get used to not
living next door to Alice...
662
00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:35,320
Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?
663
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:37,680
Oh, I don't know why she's leaving
664
00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:39,240
Or where she's gonna go
665
00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:41,240
I guess she's got her reasons
666
00:28:41,240 --> 00:28:43,120
But I just don't want to know
667
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:48,200
Cos for 24 years I've been living
next door to Alice...
668
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:51,000
Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?
669
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:55,080
24 years just waiting for a chance
670
00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:56,680
To tell her how I feel
671
00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:58,840
And maybe get a second glance
672
00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:03,960
But I'll never get used to
not living next door to Alice...
673
00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:06,800
Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?
674
00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:14,760
Oh, I'll never get used to
not living next door to Alice.
675
00:29:14,810 --> 00:29:19,360
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