Original subtitles

CLOCK BELL CHIMES

ENGINE REVS

MUSIC: GFY by Amyl and The Sniffers

Hiya, Tracey.

Oh, sorry. No, I'm not pushing in.

My agent works here so...

Enjoy your lunch.

Oh, Cherry, again?

I am cursed.

David... Oh.

You know, my great-aunt Helen, horrible woman -

killed a budgie - she won £1,000 on one of these.

I have never won more than a tenner.

And I've never killed a budgie.

Where's the justice in that?

Mm, yeah, feels unfair.

Anyway...

..I need some work, David.

I'm skint.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

Yeah. Well, I'm skint and my grandma's got cancer.

Oh, no! I'm so sorry.

It's all right. I'm feeling very positive.

Oh, good. But I want to take her here.

It's an anti-cancer spa retreat on the southern coast of Thailand.

It's fabulous.

I think Kylie Minogue went after her treatment.

She's still Padamin' all over the place.

So I need some work.

Yeah, well it's a bit quiet at the moment,

I mean, what with regional accents being so niche.

Are they niche?

Have you been practising your RP?

I have, actually.

How now, brown cow!

No.

How now, brown cowwww.

Scraps.

Oh, thanks, Tracey. Thanks, love. Thank you.

Bless you. Cowww...

I think you might need to make some supplementary income.

Right.

I could be your executive assistant.

Right. Or your front of house.

What I lack in skills and experience,

I make up for in charisma.

Bad idea.

Shush your tone, Bill.

Hmm...

Welcome to the team.

Fabulous! You won't regret it.

Huh! You will.

Now, we've got a lot of events on next week.

We've got Mexican Monday, Traffic Light Tuesday

and Wiggly Wednesday.

What's Wiggly Wednesday?

Belly Dancing.

Woo!

Oh, and first things first...

Shopping, for Mexican Monday.

Great. I love to shop.

Ten pinatas?

Arriba!

Do-do-do, do-do-do, arriba!

Go on, then.

Off you fuck.

Nothing from you.

I wouldn't dream it.

MUSIC: Times I Shine by Matteo Locasciulli & Margherita Vicario

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

Oh, ah...

Sorry I'm late!

Jesus Christ.

That is too bold for the oncologist.

Says who?

You look like Bet Lynch has thrown up on you.

Hey, I've got these great books. Oh.

Let me have a read of this to you.

Treatment is not just about doctors. It's about you,

being in peak fitness and health.

Basically we need to go back to Zumba.

Put 'em away, Alma, for God's sake.

People are dying in here!

Sorry. Not... Not you.

So we need to tell Mum soon as well.

No, we don't.

She has a right to know, Grandma.

This is my cancer, not hers.

Or yours. Stop trying to project-manage me.

Do you want me to tell her?

Oh, my baby...

Whose grandma turns up to hospital dressed as a snow leopard?

Joan Nuthall.

We're on.

Wow, the lady in leopard!

Meow! Oh...

Stop wiggling!

SHE BEATBOXES

You look fantastic.

You're like a Pussycat Doll.

Oh, really?

Fab.

Mm-mm-mm-mm! Would you like a piece of this?

I would actually, yeah.

OK, all right, can we all just focus?

Take a seat.

Ah! That was glorious.

But you are a very sick lady.

So, first step, we need to shrink this tumour.

We'll do a round of radiotherapy, and if that's successful

and you feel strong enough you can decide if you want to do chemo.

Oh, no, no, I don't want to do chemo.

What do you mean, you don't want to do chemo?

I don't want to be in pain and lose all my hair.

What the fuck? You need to do the chemo. You...

You've got to fight.

She's become very bossy since my diagnosis.

You need to throw everything at it.

No need to decide that now.

First step, radiotherapy.

Let's get shrinking that tumour! JOAN GIGGLES

Look, I know you say I'm sick, but I've actually been feeling fine.

I mean, look at this.

Watch this. Are you ready?

It's very good!

Yeah. I'm still very dextrose.

All you do is flirt with Dr Joy.

Well, I can't help it if he sees me more as a woman than a patient.

Anyway, flirting's good for your health.

You should try it some time.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, how long has it been, Alma?

Grandma! Oh, you could do with a boyfriend.

Look at you - your low self-esteem's affecting your posture.

No.

No, you're not taking this seriously.

And you're taking it too seriously.

It's exhausting!

You're not dealing with it properly.

Stop telling me how to handle my cancer!

This whole thing is hell.

And all I want is a fucking cigarette to take the edge off.

No. Sorry, thank you. No.

No. No!

Oh, very clever.

Big girl.

All right, Sandra Dee.

Put it out now, pass it back.

For God's sake.

Thank you.

Right... Where are you going?

For fuck's sake!

Sorry, actually do you mind if I have a little?

Just a teeny bit, actually. Thank you.

MUSIC: Stay Up Forever by Chungking

Telling your mum that her mum's got cancer is no easy feat,

especially when your mum is skint, homeless and on the run.

Couch has got lice.

It was a moth, Jim!

Don't start with your negative yabbadabbadooing.

This is a happy zone.

Look at all my decor.

I have made a house into a fucking home.

You need to go back to the hospital, Mum.

The police are looking for you.

You're not on your meds.

Go back to hospital? Don't be daft.

Hey, look...

..at these wigs.

Scabby Joe's robbed me from a fancy dress shop.

They'll never find me.

I'm off radar.

I'm incog-fucking-nito. I'm the artful dodger, me.

And I've got this wolf head for emergencies.

ALMA SIGHS

Listen, Mum,

I need to talk to you about something.

Hey, look at these, though.

Razzmatazz o'clock these, aren't they?

Yeah, they're very good.

Erm...

So...Grandma's got cancer.

What?!

Oh, oh...

Yeah, all right, Jim.

It's not your mother, you show off.

It's lung cancer.

For fuck's sake.

Stupid cow.

It's so bad for you, smoking.

Well, you are currently sm... That last painting I did for her,

it was of that demon woman.

It's all right, Mum. She's going to be fine.

And she is part alien, remember.

JIM CRIES For fuck's sake, Jim!

Fajitas...

Bill, when your done with the fajitas, salt my rims.

I beg your pardon?

Margaritas - get your head out the gutter!

Alma, you cannot sneak in late when you're dressed as a Mexican.

Lo siento.

She's just not taking the cancer seriously.

I'm the most sensible member of the family.

Oh, shit.

Fuck's sake!

It's fine.

Pinatas!

What the fuck? How many have you order, Alma?

Ah, ten. I ordered ten.

Ten boxes of ten.

You've ordered 100 fucking pinatas.

Lo siento.

Mucho.

Tit!

Right, two fajitas. There you go.

Go for it!

You're being flaccid with it.

Oomph!

Oh, fuck this.

Pathetic!

Do you want a go?

I'll give it a little whirl.

Aargh! Aargh!

Raargh!

Aargh!

Very cathartic.

SLOW MARIACHI MUSIC

MUSIC: The Mexican Hat Dance

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh. I'm knackered.

Well, I've no idea why. You do fuck all.

Oh...

Huh.

Oh.

Hasta luego!

Hey, look at you, throupling about.

Nope.

No relationships for me. I'm more of a...

..guest appearance. Woo!

Do you think I should be...

..you know? Shagging about?

Oh, yeah. Why not?

You should get on Bumble.

No! Bumble's Tinder for the desperate.

It's not desperate.

They provide a really good service for people who are genuinely

committed to finding love.

See?

Yeah. Oh, you're working Traffic Light Tuesday

so keep your eyes peeled. What is that?

It's a singles night, where you come dressed as a traffic light.

Green if you're up for it.

Amber if you're on the fence.

And red if you're not available.

Don't come as green, whatever you do.

You'll end up at the bar on your own

while ambers are having a fucking great time.

Who goes as red?

I mean, what kind of arsehole turns up to a room full of

lonely people, and says without speaking,

"I'm loved - I'm sorry about you"?

LOUD DANCE MUSIC

You're late, babe.

I know. I'm sorry.

Oh... Help! Help!

Doris, this is your last warning!

Christ! She is bloody obsessed.

She's been an absolute hussy since Victor died.

Poor Bill. Could be worse.

You could be him.

Oh...

Yeah, now that is a tragic sight.

Shot? Oh, yes, please.

BOTH: Woo!

Go prowl. All right.

Woo!

God...

Excuse me, have you got a light?

Oh, ta.

Amber.

Wise choice.

Why did you come as green?

Clearly I've been a bit overzealous.

Yeah.

Is that a London accent?

Yeah.

What you doing here?

It's a long boring story.

Go on.

Well, my parents moved up here.

I got divorced, and, eh...

Well, now I sleep on a futon in Bolton.

Oh, dear!

Hence why you came as green.

Yeah.

PAUSE IN MUSIC I'm desperate.

That wasn't a good moment for you, that.

Yeah.

So, erm...

Why are you here, Miss 'I'm clearly informed enough to wear Amber'?

Well, I work here.

And my grandma's got cancer and told me loudly outside an oncologist

that I need a shag.

Wow.

Yeah. That's even bleaker than my reason.

Yeah.

Cheers. Cheers!

Whoa-oh, I can't find

Another like you, I said

Whoa-oh, I can't find

Another like you

So I'm content

I think you're heaven sent

And I know I'll never find another like you

I know I won't love any other but you

I said I know I won't love any other but you...

You're supposed to be working. THEY LAUGH

Get out from behind 'ere!

BOTH: Sorry, Bill!

Reverse - doot, doot!

Fucking 'ell!

I'm better than you. Albatross.

What do you mean, you're better than me? An albatross?

A fucking albatross. I'm the sexy albatross.

You might be. Well, yes, you might be sexy... I am the fucking

sexy albatross! No, it's me. I'm the sexiest.

Now, I've lost my key and my parents are away. Woo!

So I have to climb in through the window.

God, you're more of an idiot than me!

Yeah, but two idiots together is better than one idiot

with a sensible person.

I should know.

That's why I'm divorced.

There's no-one to be disappointed in me any more - wahey!

Wahey!

Shush!

Sorry.

Woo!

Oh, there they fucking are.

Mm...

Oh.

Hello.

You, erm...

You sneaking off?

Well, it's just I look a bit like the back end of

an autumnal shrub this morning, and I thought

if I just got out before...

..that'd be better for everyone, really.

I mean, I may not be the most domesticated of men.

No.

But I can cook a mean fry-up.

What, even for...

For a shrub head?

Always wanted to have breakfast with plant life.

Oh, OK.

Well, I'll have my bacon crispy and my eggs easy.

I know you're in there!

Come on, open up, Grandma!

You're not allowed in.

Your energy's too negative.

I've met someone.

Ooh!

I knew that'd get yer.

Tell me all about it. Well...

Oh, fuck.

It's Sandra with another passive-aggressive stew.

She's brought one every day since my diagnosis.

Stew and Dumplings tonight, a la Sandra!

You don't need to say thank you.

I wasn't going to.

As a Christian, this is what God asks of me.

Right, well, if he asks again tell him not to bother.

If you do want to join me for Sunday service we'd all be eager

to have you.

Oh, I'd rather drink my own piss. Thank you, Sandra.

Well, you'll be there in our prayers.

Right, so I won't have a choice, then.

I'll be there either way, will I?

I've got a book I think you should read.

No, don't need a Bible, Sandra. Thank you.

Oh, you've brought me a book on my impending death,

like a jolly grim reaper.

How thoughtful.

What the fuck, Sandra?

It's about coming to terms...

..with the inevitable.

There's different stages... There's nothing to come to terms with.

Grandma's not dying.

Stage 1 - denial.

Right, well, thanks for the weird stew and the upsetting book.

Tara for now. Goodbye.

Stage 2 - anger.

If that's where you're at, Joan, that's OK.

As long as you know that's where you're at.

BOTH: Fuck off, Sandra.

God...

Hang on, wait for it.

Hang on. Now, this actually looks easy.

Oh, you've got it, you've got it! It's very difficult, this.

Got to get it...right in the nook like that.

Really, really, really focus.

Yeah, you got it!

Yeah.

Oh, that is brilliant!

Could we all just please focus?

Oh! See?

She's like Mussolini.

Honestly.

Now, when you start your radiotherapy

you will need Alma's help

cos you're going to be very sick.

Alma, if you need to take time off work...

No, she doesn't have a job. Oh.

Well, in that case, you can apply for a Carer's Allowance, Alma.

That could actually be quite useful.

Carer's Allowance?

I don't need a carer!

I'm afraid you will, Ms Nuthall.

Now, Macmillan are very helpful in sorting that out for you.

So my tumour will be paying her rent?

Do you want to show me one of your high kicks again? Oh.

No.

MUSIC: Let's Make Out by Dream Wife

She must be round the back.

Yeah, OK. Probably in a bad mood.

Oh, Grandma!

No, you knew we were coming.

Oh, don't be so prickly, Alma.

I'm sure your new beau isn't afraid of the female form.

Grandma...

Hello. I'm Grandma.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Go on.

Oh. Sam.

Oh, Sam!

I know what you're thinking.

Grandma? How could she be?

Should've seen me a few months ago.

Unbearably attractive.

Didn't look a day over 35.

You must have good genes.

And a lot of teen pregnancies.

Eh, don't knock it.

Teen pregnancy is very wise.

At least by the time your child grows up to becomes a twat

you still look fabulous and you can...

BOTH: ..fuck off to Mondo's.

Are you two flirting?

Oh. Honestly,

Alma's always been very uptight with her boyfriends around me.

I don't know why.

Hello, Alma!

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

Hello, Mum!

Hello. This is going to be a fucking disaster.

Who's this?

Sam. Alma's new boyfriend.

Grandma!

I'm sorry. It's OK.

I've made you this...

No, no. Not another portrait, Lin. Please!

Well, this is a nice one.

I'm being fucking nice!

Oh, God! What did you do that for?!

Dunno. I just felt like it.

Do you want to just get out of here?

No, no, it's fine. Cos this is a lot and it's only going to get worse.

Now you've got cancer, you think you can just hose people

down on your patio?!

Yeah, well, that's exactly what I think.

And I hear you won't do chemo.

You're so selfish, Mother!

Don't you dare.

I won't be lectured on my health by a toothless drug addict.

Yoohoo!

Oh, great.

Chilli con carne, a la Sandra... Oh.

Now, there's a face of thunder. Fantastic, Joan.

Embrace that rage.

Let it radiate through you.

Oh, fuck off, Sandra.

It's all right to be angry, Joan.

Yeah, I am fucking angry. Thank you, Sandra. I am.

I'm angry with you.

And I'm angry with you.

Me?

And I'm angry with you.

And I'm angry with you!

And I'm angry with you!

Now, all of you, sod off!

Fuck you, Mother.

It's all part of the process.

Well, that... That's my family, so...

That was, erm...

That was intense. Yeah, yeah.

That's just the beginning, really.

That's just a warm-up. SAM LAUGHS

Do you, erm, still want to do golf, or shall we...

Yeah, do you know what? I do. Yeah?

It'll be fun. It'll be fabulous, fabulous fun.

Oh, for fuck's sake! You know, it's annoying, cos it doesn't

go under the bridge!

Do you know what? I just want to set myself on fire!

Y-you just need... It just takes a bit of practice. OK.

Yeah? Yeah, sorry.

OK. INDISTINCT CHATTER

All right. All right. OK, sorry.

OK.

Could you just be quiet, please? Shush!

Oh, what is she, a fucking professional?

No, I don't think I'm a professional.

This is a difficult game and I'm noise-sensitive.

THEY LAUGH

Yes, noise-sensitive.

Listen, Cunty McFuckface, I've had enough of yer.

Be quite.

I'm trying to focus on the game.

Stop giggling away like little girls.

THEY CONTINUE LAUGHING

Shush!

Argh!

What was that?! What was that?!

Can we just...calm down?

Yeah, well, tell your fucking bird to calm down, eh?

Bird?

What is it, the 1970s?

Ooh-ooh!

Do you know what?

Gah!

THEY LAUGH

I've got to say sorry, Leanne.

His parents are away.

He's not answering his phone and he's not in.

So I'm just going to climb through his window...

Not in a creepy way, right?

Not in a criminal way.

I'm just going to drop off these Pop-Tarts.

Pop-Tarts?

Who doesn't love a Pop-Tart?

And it'll go nice with my card.

A card? Are you 80?

The handwritten word is all I've got left, Leanne.

I'd just leave it.

"Dearest Samuel, I'm sorry I started a fight with

"a bunch of teenagers and got you punched in the face.

"But crazy golf is a crazy game. I'm noise sensitive

"and I've got a lot going on right now."

You've always got a lot going on, babe.

"Other than that,

"I'm a fab, fun, flirty girl.

"So enjoy your Pop-Tarts and give me a ring some time.

"Yours sincerely,

"Ms Alma Nuthall."

Casual!

Well, be quick.

Yes. We start our synchronised belly dance at eight! Yes.

One last warm-up?

OK.

BOTH: If in doubt...

..tits'll shake it out,

tits'll shake it out, tits'll shake it out!

I'll see you later. All right.

Ah...

God.

I'll just get them from the bathroom.

Shit!

Oh, God.

Oh! Ah!

I thought you were away.

Alma?

I'm so sorry.

I-I... Dad, do you want to, erm...

..just go and sit down.

Hi. Nice to meet you. Hello.

Why are you in my bathroom?

Yeah.

It's just you didn't reply to my text, so...

..I brought you some Pop-Tarts.

It's been less than 24 hours.

Yeah.

I've fucked this up, haven't I?

SAM SIGHS

Look, Alma...

It's not you. I mean, obviously, it's a bit you,

but, look, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship.

And you did get me smashed in the face last night.

Pop-Tart?

I got you a card as well, actually.

Do you know what? No. Bit weird now.

Don't worry about that.

MUSIC, INDISTINCT CHATTER

Where the fuck have you been?

We were meant to do our dance. I had to rope Bill in.

I am not happy, Alma.

I'm sorry.

Babe...

..this isn't working.

I don't want to be your boss.

You're a terrible employee.

Thank God. I know. I am.

Can we go back to being mates?

Yes!

Fag?

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't need a boyfriend.

I just need to sort my posture out and have some fun.

You just need a few gentlemen callers.

I have those.

Deliveroo.

They never let you down.

No. You always know where they are. Hm.

You can track 'em. Mm.

How's Joan?

She's fuming.

Maybe that's how she needs to be, you know,

just a release.

Yeah.

Yeah, get it out.

I've got an idea.

Bloody lovely.

What the bloo...

Bloody hell's going on?

I know you're angry.

Am I?

Well, you did seem pretty angry when you were screaming the other day.

So we're going to beat the shit out of these pinatas.

It's very cathartic. Watch this.

Ah, ah, ah!

Ah, aargh!

Give us a go.

Raargh!

MUSIC: Padam Padam by Kylie Minogue

There's no right way to deal with cancer.

Sometimes you just need to beat the shit out of some pinatas.

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