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CLOCK BELL CHIMES
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ENGINE REVS
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MUSIC: GFY
by Amyl and The Sniffers
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00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,240
Hiya, Tracey.
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Oh, sorry. No, I'm not pushing in.
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My agent works here so...
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Enjoy your lunch.
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00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:38,680
Oh, Cherry, again?
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I am cursed.
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David... Oh.
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You know, my great-aunt Helen,
horrible woman -
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killed a budgie - she won £1,000
on one of these.
13
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,520
I have never won more
than a tenner.
14
00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:53,080
And I've never killed a budgie.
15
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Where's the justice in that?
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Mm, yeah, feels unfair.
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Anyway...
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..I need some work, David.
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I'm skint.
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00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:04,200
Yeah. Tell me about it.
21
00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:06,960
Yeah. Well, I'm skint
and my grandma's got cancer.
22
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,760
Oh, no! I'm so sorry.
23
00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:11,000
It's all right. I'm feeling
very positive.
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00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,080
Oh, good. But I want
to take her here.
25
00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:17,000
It's an anti-cancer spa retreat
on the southern coast of Thailand.
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It's fabulous.
27
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,240
I think Kylie Minogue went
after her treatment.
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She's still Padamin' all over
the place.
29
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So I need some work.
30
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,280
Yeah, well it's a bit quiet
at the moment,
31
00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,360
I mean, what with regional
accents being so niche.
32
00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:29,560
Are they niche?
33
00:01:29,560 --> 00:01:31,560
Have you been practising your RP?
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I have, actually.
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How now, brown cow!
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No.
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How now, brown cowwww.
38
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Scraps.
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Oh, thanks, Tracey.
Thanks, love. Thank you.
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Bless you. Cowww...
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00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:57,920
I think you might need to make
some supplementary income.
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00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:01,000
Right.
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00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:02,960
I could be your
executive assistant.
44
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,840
Right. Or your front of house.
45
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:08,320
What I lack in skills
and experience,
46
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I make up for in charisma.
47
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Bad idea.
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00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:13,000
Shush your tone, Bill.
49
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Hmm...
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Welcome to the team.
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Fabulous! You won't regret it.
52
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Huh! You will.
53
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,600
Now, we've got a lot of
events on next week.
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00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,640
We've got Mexican Monday,
Traffic Light Tuesday
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and Wiggly Wednesday.
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What's Wiggly Wednesday?
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Belly Dancing.
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Woo!
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Oh, and first things first...
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00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:37,080
Shopping, for Mexican Monday.
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Great. I love to shop.
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Ten pinatas?
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Arriba!
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Do-do-do, do-do-do, arriba!
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Go on, then.
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00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,720
Off you fuck.
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Nothing from you.
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I wouldn't dream it.
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00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:56,240
MUSIC: Times I Shine
by Matteo Locasciulli & Margherita Vicario
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00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:10,040
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
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00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:11,760
Oh, ah...
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Sorry I'm late!
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Jesus Christ.
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That is too bold for the oncologist.
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00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:17,560
Says who?
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00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,520
You look like Bet Lynch
has thrown up on you.
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00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,040
Hey, I've got these great books. Oh.
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00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:32,960
Let me have a read of this to you.
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00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:36,640
Treatment is not just about
doctors. It's about you,
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00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,160
being in peak fitness and health.
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00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:41,280
Basically we need to go
back to Zumba.
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00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:43,040
Put 'em away, Alma,
for God's sake.
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00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:45,200
People are dying in here!
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00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:46,720
Sorry. Not... Not you.
85
00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,920
So we need to tell Mum soon as well.
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No, we don't.
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She has a right to know, Grandma.
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This is my cancer, not hers.
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Or yours. Stop trying
to project-manage me.
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00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,160
Do you want me to tell her?
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00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,040
Oh, my baby...
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00:04:05,560 --> 00:04:08,720
Whose grandma turns up to hospital
dressed as a snow leopard?
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Joan Nuthall.
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We're on.
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Wow, the lady in leopard!
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Meow! Oh...
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Stop wiggling!
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00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:25,680
SHE BEATBOXES
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00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:27,840
You look fantastic.
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00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:29,520
You're like a Pussycat Doll.
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00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,480
Oh, really?
102
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:32,680
Fab.
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00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:36,000
Mm-mm-mm-mm! Would you like
a piece of this?
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00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,520
I would actually, yeah.
105
00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:41,400
OK, all right, can we all
just focus?
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Take a seat.
107
00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:45,520
Ah! That was glorious.
108
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:48,000
But you are a very sick lady.
109
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:51,800
So, first step, we need
to shrink this tumour.
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00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,560
We'll do a round of radiotherapy,
and if that's successful
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00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,280
and you feel strong enough you can
decide if you want to do chemo.
112
00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,000
Oh, no, no, I don't want
to do chemo.
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What do you mean, you don't
want to do chemo?
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00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,760
I don't want to be in pain
and lose all my hair.
115
00:05:02,760 --> 00:05:05,000
What the fuck? You need to do
the chemo. You...
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00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,120
You've got to fight.
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00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,360
She's become very bossy
since my diagnosis.
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You need to throw everything at it.
119
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No need to decide that now.
120
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,920
First step, radiotherapy.
121
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Let's get shrinking that tumour!
JOAN GIGGLES
122
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Look, I know you say I'm sick,
but I've actually been feeling fine.
123
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I mean, look at this.
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Watch this. Are you ready?
125
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It's very good!
126
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:27,960
Yeah. I'm still very dextrose.
127
00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:32,880
All you do is flirt with Dr Joy.
128
00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:36,480
Well, I can't help it if he sees me
more as a woman than a patient.
129
00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,560
Anyway, flirting's good
for your health.
130
00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:39,840
You should try it some time.
131
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,080
What's that supposed to mean?
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00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:42,600
Well, how long has it been, Alma?
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00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,800
Grandma! Oh, you could do
with a boyfriend.
134
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:48,320
Look at you - your low self-esteem's
affecting your posture.
135
00:05:49,280 --> 00:05:50,800
No.
136
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,080
No, you're not taking
this seriously.
137
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:54,600
And you're taking it too seriously.
138
00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:55,760
It's exhausting!
139
00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,080
You're not dealing with it properly.
140
00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:59,400
Stop telling me how to handle
my cancer!
141
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,280
This whole thing is hell.
142
00:06:01,280 --> 00:06:04,760
And all I want is a fucking
cigarette to take the edge off.
143
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:06,920
No. Sorry, thank you. No.
144
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:08,840
No. No!
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00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:11,080
Oh, very clever.
146
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,240
Big girl.
147
00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:13,440
All right, Sandra Dee.
148
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:16,680
Put it out now, pass it back.
149
00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:18,480
For God's sake.
150
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:19,800
Thank you.
151
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:23,200
Right... Where are you going?
152
00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:26,120
For fuck's sake!
153
00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:29,960
Sorry, actually do you mind
if I have a little?
154
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,440
Just a teeny bit, actually.
Thank you.
155
00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:36,000
MUSIC: Stay Up Forever
by Chungking
156
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:46,040
Telling your mum that her mum's got
cancer is no easy feat,
157
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:49,400
especially when your mum is skint,
homeless and on the run.
158
00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:54,680
Couch has got lice.
159
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,720
It was a moth, Jim!
160
00:06:56,720 --> 00:07:00,200
Don't start with your negative
yabbadabbadooing.
161
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:02,840
This is a happy zone.
162
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:05,080
Look at all my decor.
163
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,680
I have made a house into
a fucking home.
164
00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:11,000
You need to go back to
the hospital, Mum.
165
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,320
The police are looking for you.
166
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:13,480
You're not on your meds.
167
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:15,680
Go back to hospital? Don't be daft.
168
00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:17,240
Hey, look...
169
00:07:17,240 --> 00:07:18,440
..at these wigs.
170
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,280
Scabby Joe's robbed me
from a fancy dress shop.
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00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:22,640
They'll never find me.
172
00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:23,920
I'm off radar.
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00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:27,400
I'm incog-fucking-nito.
I'm the artful dodger, me.
174
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:30,960
And I've got this wolf head
for emergencies.
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00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,000
ALMA SIGHS
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00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,280
Listen, Mum,
177
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,000
I need to talk to you
about something.
178
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Hey, look at these, though.
179
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,240
Razzmatazz o'clock these,
aren't they?
180
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:42,440
Yeah, they're very good.
181
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:44,400
Erm...
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00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,520
So...Grandma's got cancer.
183
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:50,200
What?!
184
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:51,920
Oh, oh...
185
00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:53,440
Yeah, all right, Jim.
186
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:56,160
It's not your mother, you show off.
187
00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:57,680
It's lung cancer.
188
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,400
For fuck's sake.
189
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:05,520
Stupid cow.
190
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,000
It's so bad for you, smoking.
191
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,760
Well, you are currently sm...
That last painting I did for her,
192
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:13,320
it was of that demon woman.
193
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,640
It's all right, Mum.
She's going to be fine.
194
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:22,000
And she is part alien, remember.
195
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:27,280
JIM CRIES
For fuck's sake, Jim!
196
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,040
Fajitas...
197
00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:41,920
Bill, when your done with the
fajitas, salt my rims.
198
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:43,680
I beg your pardon?
199
00:08:43,680 --> 00:08:46,040
Margaritas - get your head
out the gutter!
200
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:53,680
Alma, you cannot sneak in late
when you're dressed as a Mexican.
201
00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:54,960
Lo siento.
202
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:02,000
She's just not taking the cancer
seriously.
203
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,760
I'm the most sensible member
of the family.
204
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:08,720
Oh, shit.
205
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,040
Fuck's sake!
206
00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:11,160
It's fine.
207
00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,920
Pinatas!
208
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,960
What the fuck? How many
have you order, Alma?
209
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,040
Ah, ten. I ordered ten.
210
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:19,760
Ten boxes of ten.
211
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:23,200
You've ordered 100 fucking pinatas.
212
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:24,920
Lo siento.
213
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:26,280
Mucho.
214
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:27,400
Tit!
215
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,760
Right, two fajitas. There you go.
216
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:43,960
Go for it!
217
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,920
You're being flaccid with it.
218
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,400
Oomph!
219
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,000
Oh, fuck this.
220
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:53,440
Pathetic!
221
00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:54,840
Do you want a go?
222
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,040
I'll give it a little whirl.
223
00:09:58,040 --> 00:10:00,800
Aargh! Aargh!
224
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,080
Raargh!
225
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:05,040
Aargh!
226
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,480
Very cathartic.
227
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:18,640
SLOW MARIACHI MUSIC
228
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,440
MUSIC: The Mexican Hat Dance
229
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,000
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
230
00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:49,360
Oh. I'm knackered.
231
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:52,840
Well, I've no idea why.
You do fuck all.
232
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,800
Oh...
233
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:57,040
Huh.
234
00:10:58,320 --> 00:10:59,360
Oh.
235
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:00,680
Hasta luego!
236
00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:04,320
Hey, look at you, throupling about.
237
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:05,560
Nope.
238
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,880
No relationships for me.
I'm more of a...
239
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:10,080
..guest appearance. Woo!
240
00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,680
Do you think I should be...
241
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:13,800
..you know? Shagging about?
242
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,320
Oh, yeah. Why not?
243
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:16,880
You should get on Bumble.
244
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:19,760
No! Bumble's Tinder for
the desperate.
245
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:20,880
It's not desperate.
246
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:24,440
They provide a really good service
for people who are genuinely
247
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:26,040
committed to finding love.
248
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:27,200
See?
249
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,480
Yeah. Oh, you're working
Traffic Light Tuesday
250
00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:31,360
so keep your eyes peeled.
What is that?
251
00:11:31,360 --> 00:11:34,120
It's a singles night, where you come
dressed as a traffic light.
252
00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:35,560
Green if you're up for it.
253
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:36,840
Amber if you're on the fence.
254
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:38,320
And red if you're not available.
255
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,440
Don't come as green,
whatever you do.
256
00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:42,480
You'll end up at the bar
on your own
257
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:45,000
while ambers are having
a fucking great time.
258
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,440
Who goes as red?
259
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:51,040
I mean, what kind of arsehole
turns up to a room full of
260
00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:53,680
lonely people, and says
without speaking,
261
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,320
"I'm loved - I'm sorry about you"?
262
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:58,840
LOUD DANCE MUSIC
263
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,560
You're late, babe.
264
00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:15,720
I know. I'm sorry.
265
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:18,080
Oh... Help! Help!
266
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:21,000
Doris, this is your last warning!
267
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:24,400
Christ! She is bloody obsessed.
268
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,520
She's been an absolute hussy
since Victor died.
269
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,640
Poor Bill. Could be worse.
270
00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:33,480
You could be him.
271
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:34,920
Oh...
272
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,960
Yeah, now that is a tragic sight.
273
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,080
Shot? Oh, yes, please.
274
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:41,640
BOTH: Woo!
275
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,040
Go prowl. All right.
276
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:46,480
Woo!
277
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,160
God...
278
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,320
Excuse me, have you got a light?
279
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,480
Oh, ta.
280
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:05,000
Amber.
281
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:06,880
Wise choice.
282
00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:09,040
Why did you come as green?
283
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:11,240
Clearly I've been a bit overzealous.
284
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:12,960
Yeah.
285
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,760
Is that a London accent?
286
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:15,920
Yeah.
287
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,800
What you doing here?
288
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,600
It's a long boring story.
289
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,000
Go on.
290
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,040
Well, my parents moved up here.
291
00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,720
I got divorced, and, eh...
292
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:27,880
Well, now I sleep on a futon
in Bolton.
293
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:29,400
Oh, dear!
294
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:30,720
Hence why you came as green.
295
00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,040
Yeah.
296
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:33,840
PAUSE IN MUSIC
I'm desperate.
297
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:38,400
That wasn't a good moment
for you, that.
298
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,960
Yeah.
299
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,080
So, erm...
300
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:48,600
Why are you here, Miss 'I'm clearly
informed enough to wear Amber'?
301
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,280
Well, I work here.
302
00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:53,800
And my grandma's got cancer and told
me loudly outside an oncologist
303
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:57,200
that I need a shag.
304
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,400
Wow.
305
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,680
Yeah. That's even bleaker
than my reason.
306
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:02,640
Yeah.
307
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:05,640
Cheers. Cheers!
308
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,480
Whoa-oh, I can't find
309
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,960
Another like you, I said
310
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,600
Whoa-oh, I can't find
311
00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:16,760
Another like you
312
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:19,400
So I'm content
313
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,720
I think you're heaven sent
314
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:26,760
And I know I'll never find another
like you
315
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:32,680
I know I won't love any other
but you
316
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:38,160
I said I know I won't love any
other but you...
317
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,040
You're supposed to be working.
THEY LAUGH
318
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,720
Get out from behind 'ere!
319
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,360
BOTH: Sorry, Bill!
320
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,320
Reverse - doot, doot!
321
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,520
Fucking 'ell!
322
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:48,840
I'm better than you. Albatross.
323
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:51,000
What do you mean, you're better
than me? An albatross?
324
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,880
A fucking albatross.
I'm the sexy albatross.
325
00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:54,880
You might be. Well, yes, you might
be sexy... I am the fucking
326
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:57,160
sexy albatross! No, it's me.
I'm the sexiest.
327
00:14:57,160 --> 00:15:00,040
Now, I've lost my key and
my parents are away. Woo!
328
00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:02,400
So I have to climb in
through the window.
329
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:05,000
God, you're more of
an idiot than me!
330
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:08,600
Yeah, but two idiots together
is better than one idiot
331
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,560
with a sensible person.
332
00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:11,960
I should know.
333
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,360
That's why I'm divorced.
334
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:16,320
There's no-one to be disappointed
in me any more - wahey!
335
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:17,880
Wahey!
336
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:19,080
Shush!
337
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,160
Sorry.
338
00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:29,240
Woo!
339
00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:36,280
Oh, there they fucking are.
340
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:51,520
Mm...
341
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:56,920
Oh.
342
00:15:58,080 --> 00:15:59,440
Hello.
343
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,520
You, erm...
344
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,040
You sneaking off?
345
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:06,760
Well, it's just I look a bit
like the back end of
346
00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,400
an autumnal shrub this morning,
and I thought
347
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,720
if I just got out before...
348
00:16:11,720 --> 00:16:14,640
..that'd be better
for everyone, really.
349
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:18,240
I mean, I may not be the most
domesticated of men.
350
00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:20,040
No.
351
00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:21,880
But I can cook a mean fry-up.
352
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,880
What, even for...
353
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:26,960
For a shrub head?
354
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,520
Always wanted to have breakfast
with plant life.
355
00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:31,400
Oh, OK.
356
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:35,040
Well, I'll have my bacon crispy
and my eggs easy.
357
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:40,880
I know you're in there!
358
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:43,400
Come on, open up, Grandma!
359
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,720
You're not allowed in.
360
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:46,520
Your energy's too negative.
361
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:47,920
I've met someone.
362
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:49,360
Ooh!
363
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:50,880
I knew that'd get yer.
364
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:52,680
Tell me all about it. Well...
365
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,520
Oh, fuck.
366
00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:57,040
It's Sandra with another
passive-aggressive stew.
367
00:16:57,040 --> 00:17:00,000
She's brought one every day
since my diagnosis.
368
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:04,720
Stew and Dumplings tonight,
a la Sandra!
369
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,000
You don't need to say thank you.
370
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:08,320
I wasn't going to.
371
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:11,240
As a Christian, this is
what God asks of me.
372
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,800
Right, well, if he asks again
tell him not to bother.
373
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:17,520
If you do want to join me for Sunday
service we'd all be eager
374
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:18,800
to have you.
375
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:22,480
Oh, I'd rather drink my own piss.
Thank you, Sandra.
376
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:24,520
Well, you'll be there
in our prayers.
377
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:26,440
Right, so I won't have
a choice, then.
378
00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:27,720
I'll be there either way, will I?
379
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:29,960
I've got a book I think
you should read.
380
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,760
No, don't need a Bible, Sandra.
Thank you.
381
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:36,280
Oh, you've brought me a book
on my impending death,
382
00:17:36,280 --> 00:17:37,600
like a jolly grim reaper.
383
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:38,640
How thoughtful.
384
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:39,920
What the fuck, Sandra?
385
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:41,800
It's about coming to terms...
386
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,640
..with the inevitable.
387
00:17:43,640 --> 00:17:46,600
There's different stages... There's
nothing to come to terms with.
388
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,080
Grandma's not dying.
389
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:50,040
Stage 1 - denial.
390
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:52,960
Right, well, thanks for the
weird stew and the upsetting book.
391
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,800
Tara for now. Goodbye.
392
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,440
Stage 2 - anger.
393
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:03,320
If that's where you're at, Joan,
that's OK.
394
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:05,840
As long as you know
that's where you're at.
395
00:18:05,840 --> 00:18:07,160
BOTH: Fuck off, Sandra.
396
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,800
God...
397
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,560
Hang on, wait for it.
398
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:17,200
Hang on. Now, this actually
looks easy.
399
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:19,440
Oh, you've got it, you've got it!
It's very difficult, this.
400
00:18:19,440 --> 00:18:22,480
Got to get it...right in
the nook like that.
401
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:25,760
Really, really, really focus.
402
00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:30,720
Yeah, you got it!
403
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:32,040
Yeah.
404
00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:33,480
Oh, that is brilliant!
405
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:35,440
Could we all just please focus?
406
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:36,680
Oh! See?
407
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,320
She's like Mussolini.
408
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,120
Honestly.
409
00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:41,800
Now, when you start
your radiotherapy
410
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:42,960
you will need Alma's help
411
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:44,360
cos you're going to be very sick.
412
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:46,520
Alma, if you need to take time
off work...
413
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,320
No, she doesn't have a job. Oh.
414
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:51,120
Well, in that case, you can apply
for a Carer's Allowance, Alma.
415
00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:53,040
That could actually be quite useful.
416
00:18:53,040 --> 00:18:54,240
Carer's Allowance?
417
00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:55,600
I don't need a carer!
418
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:57,080
I'm afraid you will, Ms Nuthall.
419
00:18:57,080 --> 00:19:00,400
Now, Macmillan are very helpful
in sorting that out for you.
420
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,720
So my tumour will be
paying her rent?
421
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:08,440
Do you want to show me one of
your high kicks again? Oh.
422
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:09,760
No.
423
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:15,600
MUSIC: Let's Make Out
by Dream Wife
424
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:24,960
She must be round the back.
425
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,000
Yeah, OK.
Probably in a bad mood.
426
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:34,280
Oh, Grandma!
427
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,560
No, you knew we were coming.
428
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:39,000
Oh, don't be so prickly, Alma.
429
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,040
I'm sure your new beau
isn't afraid of the female form.
430
00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:43,240
Grandma...
431
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:45,200
Hello. I'm Grandma.
432
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:46,400
Oh, God.
433
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,240
Oh, God.
434
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:50,440
Go on.
435
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:55,200
Oh. Sam.
436
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:58,120
Oh, Sam!
437
00:19:58,120 --> 00:19:59,720
I know what you're thinking.
438
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,720
Grandma? How could she be?
439
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,720
Should've seen me a few months ago.
440
00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:05,320
Unbearably attractive.
441
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,440
Didn't look a day over 35.
442
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:08,760
You must have good genes.
443
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:10,720
And a lot of teen pregnancies.
444
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:12,720
Eh, don't knock it.
445
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:14,760
Teen pregnancy is very wise.
446
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:17,400
At least by the time your child
grows up to becomes a twat
447
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,080
you still look fabulous
and you can...
448
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,800
BOTH: ..fuck off to Mondo's.
449
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:23,080
Are you two flirting?
450
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:24,680
Oh. Honestly,
451
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,200
Alma's always been very uptight
with her boyfriends around me.
452
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:28,360
I don't know why.
453
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:29,520
Hello, Alma!
454
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,760
Oh, no.
455
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:33,040
Oh, God.
456
00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:34,160
Hello, Mum!
457
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:36,640
Hello. This is going to be
a fucking disaster.
458
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:37,960
Who's this?
459
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,280
Sam. Alma's new boyfriend.
460
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,480
Grandma!
461
00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:42,760
I'm sorry. It's OK.
462
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,200
I've made you this...
463
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:47,040
No, no. Not another portrait, Lin.
Please!
464
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:48,320
Well, this is a nice one.
465
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:49,920
I'm being fucking nice!
466
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,480
Oh, God! What did you do that for?!
467
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:54,800
Dunno. I just felt like it.
468
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,640
Do you want to just get
out of here?
469
00:20:56,640 --> 00:20:59,000
No, no, it's fine. Cos this is a lot
and it's only going to get worse.
470
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:01,760
Now you've got cancer, you think
you can just hose people
471
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,040
down on your patio?!
472
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,840
Yeah, well, that's exactly
what I think.
473
00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:06,600
And I hear you won't do chemo.
474
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,440
You're so selfish, Mother!
475
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:09,800
Don't you dare.
476
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:13,440
I won't be lectured on my health
by a toothless drug addict.
477
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:14,960
Yoohoo!
478
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:16,400
Oh, great.
479
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:19,600
Chilli con carne, a la Sandra... Oh.
480
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:23,880
Now, there's a face of thunder.
Fantastic, Joan.
481
00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,640
Embrace that rage.
482
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,840
Let it radiate through you.
483
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:29,640
Oh, fuck off, Sandra.
484
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:32,440
It's all right to be angry, Joan.
485
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:36,240
Yeah, I am fucking angry.
Thank you, Sandra. I am.
486
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:38,000
I'm angry with you.
487
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,160
And I'm angry with you.
488
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,240
Me?
489
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:43,240
And I'm angry with you.
490
00:21:43,240 --> 00:21:46,000
And I'm angry with you!
491
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:48,360
And I'm angry with you!
492
00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:53,080
Now, all of you, sod off!
493
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,000
Fuck you, Mother.
494
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,120
It's all part of the process.
495
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:04,160
Well, that... That's my family,
so...
496
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:05,600
That was, erm...
497
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:07,640
That was intense. Yeah, yeah.
498
00:22:07,640 --> 00:22:08,960
That's just the beginning, really.
499
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:10,720
That's just a warm-up.
SAM LAUGHS
500
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,960
Do you, erm, still want to do golf,
or shall we...
501
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,840
Yeah, do you know what? I do.
Yeah?
502
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,200
It'll be fun. It'll be fabulous,
fabulous fun.
503
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,440
Oh, for fuck's sake! You know,
it's annoying, cos it doesn't
504
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:20,600
go under the bridge!
505
00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,280
Do you know what? I just want to
set myself on fire!
506
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:28,520
Y-you just need... It just takes
a bit of practice. OK.
507
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,320
Yeah? Yeah, sorry.
508
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:32,000
OK.
INDISTINCT CHATTER
509
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,840
All right. All right. OK, sorry.
510
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,560
OK.
511
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:37,680
Could you just be quiet, please?
Shush!
512
00:22:37,680 --> 00:22:39,440
Oh, what is she,
a fucking professional?
513
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:41,080
No, I don't think
I'm a professional.
514
00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:43,720
This is a difficult game and
I'm noise-sensitive.
515
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:44,880
THEY LAUGH
516
00:22:44,880 --> 00:22:46,040
Yes, noise-sensitive.
517
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:48,920
Listen, Cunty McFuckface,
I've had enough of yer.
518
00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:50,000
Be quite.
519
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:51,680
I'm trying to focus on the game.
520
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:54,040
Stop giggling away like
little girls.
521
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:55,440
THEY CONTINUE LAUGHING
522
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:56,640
Shush!
523
00:22:57,760 --> 00:22:59,240
Argh!
524
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,640
What was that?! What was that?!
525
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:04,120
Can we just...calm down?
526
00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:06,440
Yeah, well, tell your fucking bird
to calm down, eh?
527
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:07,480
Bird?
528
00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:09,000
What is it, the 1970s?
529
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:11,040
Ooh-ooh!
530
00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:13,680
Do you know what?
531
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:20,960
Gah!
532
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:23,040
THEY LAUGH
533
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:28,760
I've got to say sorry, Leanne.
534
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,120
His parents are away.
535
00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:31,880
He's not answering his phone
and he's not in.
536
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:34,160
So I'm just going to climb
through his window...
537
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:35,600
Not in a creepy way, right?
538
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,160
Not in a criminal way.
539
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,680
I'm just going to drop off
these Pop-Tarts.
540
00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:41,000
Pop-Tarts?
541
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:42,400
Who doesn't love a Pop-Tart?
542
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:43,640
And it'll go nice with my card.
543
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:45,120
A card? Are you 80?
544
00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:47,360
The handwritten word is
all I've got left, Leanne.
545
00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:49,120
I'd just leave it.
546
00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:51,600
"Dearest Samuel, I'm sorry
I started a fight with
547
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:54,320
"a bunch of teenagers and got
you punched in the face.
548
00:23:54,320 --> 00:23:57,440
"But crazy golf is a crazy game.
I'm noise sensitive
549
00:23:57,440 --> 00:23:59,880
"and I've got a lot going on
right now."
550
00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:01,440
You've always got a lot
going on, babe.
551
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:02,520
"Other than that,
552
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:04,440
"I'm a fab, fun, flirty girl.
553
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:08,040
"So enjoy your Pop-Tarts
and give me a ring some time.
554
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:09,320
"Yours sincerely,
555
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:11,040
"Ms Alma Nuthall."
556
00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:12,680
Casual!
557
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:14,200
Well, be quick.
558
00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:17,360
Yes. We start our synchronised
belly dance at eight! Yes.
559
00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:18,640
One last warm-up?
560
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:20,440
OK.
561
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:21,720
BOTH: If in doubt...
562
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:22,760
..tits'll shake it out,
563
00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:25,000
tits'll shake it out,
tits'll shake it out!
564
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:27,440
I'll see you later. All right.
565
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:29,040
Ah...
566
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:32,080
God.
567
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:39,920
I'll just get them from
the bathroom.
568
00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:42,160
Shit!
569
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:43,640
Oh, God.
570
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:49,400
Oh! Ah!
571
00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,880
I thought you were away.
572
00:24:51,880 --> 00:24:54,160
Alma?
573
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:55,680
I'm so sorry.
574
00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:58,440
I-I... Dad, do you want to, erm...
575
00:24:58,440 --> 00:24:59,680
..just go and sit down.
576
00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:02,880
Hi. Nice to meet you. Hello.
577
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:04,920
Why are you in my bathroom?
578
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:05,960
Yeah.
579
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:08,040
It's just you didn't reply
to my text, so...
580
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:09,440
..I brought you some Pop-Tarts.
581
00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:11,600
It's been less than 24 hours.
582
00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:13,560
Yeah.
583
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:15,360
I've fucked this up, haven't I?
584
00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:17,040
SAM SIGHS
585
00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:20,240
Look, Alma...
586
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:23,520
It's not you. I mean,
obviously, it's a bit you,
587
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:29,040
but, look, I don't think
I'm ready for a relationship.
588
00:25:29,040 --> 00:25:31,480
And you did get me smashed
in the face last night.
589
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:33,920
Pop-Tart?
590
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,120
I got you a card as well,
actually.
591
00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:40,040
Do you know what? No. Bit weird now.
592
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:42,040
Don't worry about that.
593
00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:44,440
MUSIC, INDISTINCT CHATTER
594
00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:51,000
Where the fuck have you been?
595
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:53,560
We were meant to do our dance.
I had to rope Bill in.
596
00:25:53,560 --> 00:25:55,480
I am not happy, Alma.
597
00:25:57,360 --> 00:25:58,920
I'm sorry.
598
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:00,200
Babe...
599
00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:01,560
..this isn't working.
600
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,200
I don't want to be your boss.
601
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:04,960
You're a terrible employee.
602
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:07,120
Thank God. I know. I am.
603
00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:08,840
Can we go back to being mates?
604
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:10,000
Yes!
605
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,520
Fag?
606
00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:15,040
Yeah. Yeah.
607
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,320
I don't need a boyfriend.
608
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:24,040
I just need to sort my posture out
and have some fun.
609
00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:27,160
You just need a few
gentlemen callers.
610
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:28,560
I have those.
611
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:29,640
Deliveroo.
612
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:32,800
They never let you down.
613
00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,800
No. You always know where they are.
Hm.
614
00:26:34,800 --> 00:26:36,320
You can track 'em. Mm.
615
00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:42,360
How's Joan?
616
00:26:42,360 --> 00:26:44,920
She's fuming.
617
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,640
Maybe that's how she needs to be,
you know,
618
00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:49,960
just a release.
619
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:51,160
Yeah.
620
00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:55,480
Yeah, get it out.
621
00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:57,040
I've got an idea.
622
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:02,400
Bloody lovely.
623
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:10,120
What the bloo...
624
00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:20,120
Bloody hell's going on?
625
00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:21,440
I know you're angry.
626
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:22,680
Am I?
627
00:27:22,680 --> 00:27:26,360
Well, you did seem pretty angry when
you were screaming the other day.
628
00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:30,560
So we're going to beat the shit
out of these pinatas.
629
00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:33,040
It's very cathartic. Watch this.
630
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:36,120
Ah, ah, ah!
631
00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:38,760
Ah, aargh!
632
00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:42,720
Give us a go.
633
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:51,000
Raargh!
634
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,440
MUSIC: Padam Padam
by Kylie Minogue
635
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:10,760
There's no right way to
deal with cancer.
636
00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:16,200
Sometimes you just need to beat
the shit out of some pinatas.
637
00:28:16,250 --> 00:28:20,800
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