Original subtitles

CRIME IN PARADISE

Dry nuts.

Screw you.

Here we go.

Easy does it, Marilyn.

Don't worry, sweetie.

Daddy's here.

That bitch!

Holes in all my buckets!

What a bitch!

It doesn't matter.

Daddy won't let you go like that.

Come on, girl.

Evil bitch.

Where you going?

To see my mistress!

Point.

Hi, Jojo!

How are you, Jojo?

Not any worse.

Coming to see your mistress?

Can't hide anything from you.

- She's not there. - Oh, really?

Duchemin got sick, she's substituting.

Or so she said.

Alright, alright. Thanks, Mrs. Bertrand.

Don't mention it, Jojo.

Good morning, Germaine.

Feels like summer today.

- Hello, Jojo. - How are you, Jojo?

Not any worse.

April 1st, 1980

Good morning, Ma'am.

- Am I disturbing you? - You never disturb me.

- You're substituting today? - Keeps me young.

Brings back the old days.

You sat right there. You were my best pupil. I was proud of you.

What did she do this time?

Made holes in my milk buckets.

How?

She used my drill.

You should've hidden it!

She went after my goats.

Your buckets, not your goats.

Buckets can be replaced.

I know Lulu better than you do.

Even as a child, she was a terror.

She would destroy any human,

but she'd never touch an animal.

She lost her twin sister when they were 5.

You know what that does to a person's mind and heart?

Going through life alone

when half of her is dead.

No one can imagine.

Not even the finest doctors.

The doctors don't know Lulu.

Her voice, hands, everything she does.

Everything she says, even if she says nothing!

I can't take it anymore.

Sometimes I want to blow my brains out.

That's a fine idea!

There's a dark thought.

Really dark.

I'm scared.

Scared of Lulu?

Not of Lulu, of me.

I'm afraid I'll do something terrible.

You remember

the accident she had last year.

Shit!

People said you sawed through the ladder.

Is that true?

No, she was drunk, like everyone said.

But the 2 months she was in the hospital

were the happiest months of my life.

Why not get a divorce?

And lose everything to her? Even my goats?

Better than losing your head out the window.

Out the window?

Whack!

Got a fish on your back, Ma'am.

You too.

I'm leaving it there.

Don't want to spoil the kids' fun.

Good thinking.

Listen to this one.

"Napoleon was short, so he wore a big hat.

"He was a 'ditator' who burned up a lot of stuff.

"That's what my Grandad says."

There's a mistake

in every word.

That must be

- the Ramirez kid, right? - I'm not telling.

I have a town council meeting in 15 minutes. Should be fun.

I've got to go.

Don't think about what I said.

It sure felt good to say it, though.

That's what worries me.

Don't go saying things to everyone.

It's ok if you tell me things.

But don't go broadcasting the fact

that you want to get rid of your wife.

What if the next accident's fatal?

What would happen?

They'd think it was me.

And then?

Whack!

You're still sharp as a tack.

Good-bye, Ma'am.

Come back soon.

Mrs. Braconnier!

Feels like summer, doesn't it?

No, the ones that cost 6 francs!

We're all out.

But yesterday you had plenty!

April fool!

Fill 'er up?

Of course.

Here's your friend. The dressmaker.

Hello, Lulu.

That's Lucienne, we didn't raise pigs together.

True, I never raised pigs.

Now, stop bickering.

Fine weather, isn't it? Life is great.

36 francs.

3 bottles of mineral water for me.

We only drink mineral water.

I can tell.

Give me 3 bottles too!

Of mineral water?

To rinse out the toilets.

I only rinse with mineral water.

Got a problem with that?

April fool!

Well, well, 6 o'clock!

I gotta go.

Mr. Doucet!

I know

it's a great show,

but we can't forget

the town council.

Ready when you are, Mr. Giovanelli.

Magali, how do I look?

Good enough to eat.

You're so sweet.

Mr. Doucet,

don't hurt yourself. It's too much for you.

Hey, buddy!

- What a long face! You ok? - Not any worse.

Ouch! Nasty bitch.

Why'd you turn off the light? I could've busted my foot.

Would've been nice.

Who pays the power bill?

Who pays?

It's you, is it?

A tragic epilogue to the kidnapping

of Olivier Bréault in Papeete.

As tradition has it, on April Fools' Day...

the jokes abound...

...and burned the body,

pushing sarcasm to the limit they called the girlfriend...

...to confuse the opponent, the Lyons paper "Le Progres"

moved April 1st up a day.

And yesterday morning

he announced a supposed fusion

of the communities of Lyons and...

Lulu!

Lulu, go to bed.

Lucienne, go to bed.

Don't sleep here, go to bed.

Leave me alone.

Dry nuts.

Right.

Ok.

Marlene!

Mistinguett!

Marilyn!

Come on.

There you go.

Easy, girls.

Daddy's going in to town, he'll be right back.

See you in a bit.

There!

Oh, shit.

Flat tire.

That bitch!

What a bitch!

I don't believe it.

All four!

Get a load of that!

Your number's up, Johnny!

Drop it, I got enough trouble.

What's up now?

She slashed my tires.

It's not so bad, you can repair them.

What's bad is where you're headed. The end won't be pretty.

I don't know what to do.

How long since you screwed her?

There's your problem.

You pick a flower, don't water it,

it fades, dries up.

Same with women, except they get mean, too.

It's "pychological."

Pychological.

Look at her! Would you screw her?

See? She can't even cheat on me!

I wouldn't mind if your "pychology"

worked, and someone watered her for me.

I wouldn't mind.

Jacky, is Jojo ok?

He forgot to water the flowers.

So what?

So Lulu slashed his tires.

Hey.

Where's she going?

To see her parents and sister.

They've been dead for years.

Like I said, she's going to the cemetery.

Oh, I see.

Tell me, Jacky.

- Know much about TV's? - Why?

I want mine to be stuck on one channel.

Just set the channels.

Right. Why, you want me to...

Just do it.

Hey, little sister!

I like to visit you when it's sunny out.

I'm sure you're happier when it's sunny.

I'm happy too today.

I met him one year ago today.

Your physical therapist, Jacky Lévêque.

We just call him P.T.

Get acquainted.

Feeling better?

Are you?

Coming closer.

Let's have a look.

May I?

Good.

Very good.

We'll do a few exercises this week.

Nothing too tough.

Can you turn over?

Nice and easy.

There.

Does it hurt?

No, it feels funny.

I'm not used to it.

He taught me to walk again.

We talked, I told him about you. He made me laugh.

I felt good.

Silly, isn't it?

When I'm sad,

I talk to him as if he were there.

If it weren't for that asshole...

Guess what?

I slashed his tires this morning.

You should've seen his face.

His idiot friend Jacky did the repairs.

Can't believe that loser

shares a name with my gorgeous therapist.

You see that?

Daddy bought some brand new buckets.

It wasn't nice of you to run off.

Let me tell you a story.

There once was a guy named Seguin.

He had a pretty white goat.

One day the goat ran away.

And after a while

she turned around

and in the dark she thought she saw

two short, straight little ears,

and two beady eyes that shone in the night.

It was a wolf.

And what happened?

The wolf

jumped on her and ate her up!

So don't ever run away!

You got that?

When I think of Stephie

I end up with a stiffy

When I think of Vickie

I get a crazy dickie

When I think of Clementine

She gets me going one more time

But when I think of Lulu

I go all limp, boo-hoo!

Can't control a stiffy, Daddy Gotta let it happen, Daddy

Stiffy... Stick to subjects you know.

Dumb ass!

What's that?

Some tasty pumpkin soup.

You made it on purpose.

You know I don't really like it.

Precisely.

If you want to screw me over,

I screw you over.

If you don't, we're even.

...on the themes of power and happiness.

What's this crap?

On my right is Maurizio Valenzi,

a former senator, mayor of Naples,

a communist mayor since 1975.

What the hell is this?

I peed in it!

What!

I peed in the soup!

Ok, I'm coming!

Jojo, what's got into you?

I need a drink!

Sure, coming right up.

My friend, have you seen your face?

Like you had a run-in with death.

What's going on?

Another.

- Tell me! - She pissed in my soup.

She did what?

She pissed in my soup.

You think that's funny?

If you start believing all the crap

she tells you, you'll end up as twisted as her.

Think about it!

Maybe she went heavy on the salt.

But otherwise it's a joke, my friend.

Damn it, tell him it's a joke!

Of course! She ate it, didn't she?

There you go. So you haven't eaten?

I've got something.

How about some soup?

- What kind of soup? - Pumpkin.

Alain Peyrefitte, advocate of the death penalty,

just adjourned the debate begun by Mr. Badinter

in favor of its abolition.

Mr. Jacquard, did you think you'd win?

No, the jury was for the prosecution.

And you turned them around.

You think your client is innocent?

Who said that? He killed his brother-in-law.

No, the jury realized

that there's a difference between an assassin and a murderer.

An assassin prepares his crime.

A murderer kills in a burst of anger.

- There goes my speech again. - Mr. Jacquard,

isn't there some danger in that?

What danger?

You encourage people to go all the way.

I do?

If a criminal hires you, he'll go free.

I never thought of that.

Just doing my job.

Seems you're interested in assassins.

Not like the public.

Take out the short news items,

and newspapers'll lose half their readers.

Dramatic trials always make the front page.

- Killing is disgusting. - For some of us, it's a living.

Today marks your 25th acquittal. Why not celebrate?

What will you do tonight?

Take a bath and go to bed.

Touch me.

Your hands do me good.

Your long hands.

Touch me.

Big Jacky!

"Big Jacky."

Well, what do you know?

Hey, Jacky!

Thanks a lot!

What for?

Watering the flower!

Watering?

Come here.

Show me your hands.

My hands?

Strange.

They're not so long.

Well, thanks again.

Are you alright?

Would you like some help?

Did you lose someone?

Who asked you? Take off, asshole!

Jacky!

Hey, Jacky!

Is that you, Jojo?

Martine, is Jacky there?

No, he's on a repairjob.

Ok, never mind.

Bye, then.

Good-bye, Jojo.

Making repairs.

Watering flowers.

Magali, get me a galopin, would you?

- Thanks. - There you go.

Is your husband around?

He's at the town council.

That's great.

You ok, Jojo?

Just fine, thanks. Got any olives?

- Yeah, sure. - Thanks, Magali.

Hey, Jojo! You still here?

That was a pretty long meeting!

- It's a lot of work. - Sure it is.

Jojo, you ought to head home, or Lulu'll let you have it.

I don't want to disturb them.

What's that you say?

Nothing, don't worry.

Well, look at that.

To you, Jacky.

My album...

Where's my album?

Where is it?

For god's sake, my album!

Is it there?

It's not there.

Where's my album?

Where's my album?

What?

- Where's my album, for god's sake? - What album?

- Where'd you put it? - Oh, your album.

Yeah, where'd you put it,

you drunk?!

I needed space for my jam.

Where'd you put it?

Where'd you put it?

What?!

What?!

You didn't!

My stamps!

My stamps.

You burned my stamps.

You burned my stamps.

Gonna start bawling? Go right ahead.

I bawled enough already.

Well go on, hit me! Hit me! Kill me!

They'll cut your head off!

We'll be together for all time!

Can't do it, can you?

No balls in your pants, nothing.

Starting today, I'm gonna make things even worse.

Because this is my place.

You understand? All this is mine.

The house, the land, the buildings!

You've got zilch!

Even the goats are mine.

I can slaughter them and have a barbecue!

A big ol' barbecue!

I'll invite the whole village!

Even your shitty old schoolteacher!

And we'll have a great time, asshole!

Where're you going like that?

None of your business.

Out of my way!

What d'you think you're doing?

Hey, asshole!

Where'd you learn to drive?

Asshole wants to run me over!

What the hell is that?

That's right!

Ma'am?

I need some mole-killer.

Tutop 10, how many boxes?

Isn't one enough?

Depends how much land you have.

A vegetable garden.

Start with one, you'll see.

There you go.

One Tutop 10 mole trap.

And a pair of gloves.

I didn't ask for gloves.

They come with it, I strongly recommend them.

Is it dangerous?

Deadly.

- Is it fast? - Instantaneous.

Strychnine.

Your name is Mrs...

Am I required

- to give my name? - Yes, or I wouldn't ask.

Lucienne... BIondeau.

Lucienne Blondeau.

Address?

Liberation Street.

Number?

Ten.

Will that be all?

Of course.

That'll be 29.90, Ma'am.

If you've never used the product

I strongly recommend you read the instructions.

An accident

could happen any time.

Good-bye, Ma'am.

It was a pleasure.

Besides that?

- The Brémond case. - No.

- The president of the Bar insists. - I'll talk to him.

I won't defend a child murderer!

- The Aix-en-Provence case. - No again.

That bastard kills old ladies.

When do I see the prosecutor?

You've got time.

And a man is waiting outside.

He came a long way to see you.

Who is it?

You're lucky, Mr. No-name,

Mr. Jacquard has agreed to see you.

That's nice of him.

Very nice.

Come with me.

Don't just stand there.

You wanted to talk to me?

I'm in a hurry.

I have a meeting in an hour.

Go ahead!

Ok, here goes...

I killed my wife.

Really? When?

Last night, at dinnertime.

And you're walking free?

No one knows it.

Except you.

I didn't shout it from the rooftops.

How did you kill her?

Come on, you've got to know!

It's awful, horrible.

- With a knife? - That's it, with a knife.

If you poison her, that's premeditation.

A knife's better, I thought so.

You thought so before or after she died?

What?

That the knife was better.

That's what you said.

Pardon me?

The knife idea came from you.

That's absurd.

I should've killed her differently.

I never said that.

So it's good I did it that way.

- I said yes. - That's a relief.

You know a lot about this, but for me...

it's my first killing.

I didn't want to goof.

You call that a goof?

Ok, what kind of knife: Kitchen, bread...

That's it, a bread knife.

With teeth?

Yeah, just little tiny ones.

Where did you hit her?

In the kitchen.

No, I mean where on her body?

I don't remember.

Is it important?

Not in the back?

No, not in the back, she was facing me.

In the stomach, then?

In the chest?

Between the two.

About the knife,

- where'd you get it? - On the table.

You didn't go get it, it was there.

Yeah, that's right.

Who set the table?

Lulu... Lucienne. She always does.

Until last night.

So, you're having dinner,

an argument breaks out.

It's terrible.

We'll work out why later, but she's wrong.

She knows it and insults you.

You start losing patience.

You both stand up.

She's like a wild beast.

You pick up the knife to...

...to cut some bread, let's say!

Let's say!

She gets carried away by anger and...

Did she drink?

I'll say!

- A lot? - Worse than that.

- Are there witnesses? - The whole village.

I've got the jury in the bag!

I've got it!

She's drunk, she hits you,

she lunges at you, and by a twist of fate,

without you wanting it, or imagining it,

she falls on the bread knife.

I feel like I was there.

Is that how it happened?

Just like that.

Sort of an accident.

Don't think too fast.

Involuntary homicide is a good start.

Sir?

I'm not to be disturbed!

So, there was an argument.

What about?

It doesn't matter.

- She was always picking a fight. - Tell me.

She must've done something?

She sure did:

Made holes in my buckets,

slashed my tires, pissed in my soup.

She even burned my stamp collection.

- I could say more. - That's why I'm here.

Did she try to poison you?

Uh...

I wouldn't put it past her.

Apologize to the prosecutor.

Ask him to reschedule for tomorrow.

Thank you, sir.

Let's get started: Name, profession.

Joseph Victor Poacher.

Is your profession important to you?

Poacher is my name.

My profession is breeder.

I see.

Address?

Paradise.

Pardon me?

It's the name of the farm.

Alright.

Date of birth?

Oh...

Late May, early June, 1940.

You don't know your birthday?

We never found out.

I was found near a ditch during the war.

I was screaming

- next to a dead woman. - Your mother?

- No. - Yes, it was!

Great scenario for the jury.

Who took you in?

Social services.

A social service baby, even better!

What then?

Well, then...

At age 10 I went to the Pécouts'.

To Paradise. The farm.

You worked hard, they beat you.

They beat you.

At night, starving, exhausted,

you slept on a bale of hay.

Yes, you slept in the hay, you were hungry.

Well, I was thinner then.

See what I mean?

Such an unhappy childhood!

And after that?

After that I gained some weight.

No, then what happened?

Then the story continued.

But Mrs. Pécout died.

I was alone with Mr. Pécout and his daughter, Lulu.

She became my wife.

All in the family, great!

When'd you get married?

When I got back from the service.

After Algeria.

- They sent me home. - You were in Algeria?

How long?

One day.

I was injured on day one.

You were wounded?

You bet. Look at this.

See that?

It doesn't show much. I had a great doctor.

Yes, it shows!

- Really? - Yes.

So you were wounded in combat, great.

Well, combat, uh...

In Algiers, I got off the boat.

There was a truck backing up.

It sent me flying.

Both feet smashed up, I went to Marseille hospital,

then back to Paradise.

That was it.

But I got a medal.

- Like everyone else. - I should hope so.

And a tiny allowance.

Better than nothing.

So you got back from Algeria and married...

Lulu... Lucienne. Not for a while.

You were lovers first?

Sure.

For a long time.

How old was she,

- the first time? - I don't know.

13 or 14.

Corrupting a minor.

Also known as rape.

Oh, rape... rape...

We were the same age, and she's the one

who raped me.

Try telling that to a judge!

She was always bugging me.

"Wanna play doctor?"

- "Mom and Dad?" - You didn't like it.

I sure didn't.

Never did. Even as a girl,

she was an evil witch.

Why'd you marry her?

Because I'm an idiot.

I'm an idiot, that's all.

Excuse me.

No, I don't mind.

I love the smell of smoke since I quit.

- Here. - Thanks.

Only one thing bothers me so far...

Your unhappy childhood,

your marital suffering,

the buckets, tires, urine in the soup,

I can't really use that.

Looking for excuses is like pleading guilty.

What time is it?

I never wear a watch.

Gives me palpitations.

Funny. If I had a watch,

I'd check it all the time. Stress.

But I can tell you the time within 3, 4 minutes.

For example, now it's 4:15.

What time is it?

4:15, sir.

How'd you know?

The goats always let you know

- when it's milking time. - Of course, I understand.

Where were we?

- Pleading guilty. - Precisely.

We're not guilty.

We were defending ourselves.

- The act was involuntary. - That's right.

The cause of the argument is unclear.

She wasn't cheating? It was unimaginable?

Well...

I haven't said everything.

You think

I like it,

the whole village laughing at me?

I've got my pride too.

She had a lover?

- Sure? - Cross my heart, hope to die.

Don't say that.

Who is it?

My best friend.

Wow, that's...

that happens a lot.

What does he do?

He's a mechanic.

Ok, it's all in place.

You're hurt, broken, you criticize your wife.

You mention divorce.

She goes after you.

Now it doesn't add up.

She has to threaten you!

She didn't have a gun or fire poker?

The poker was too far away.

But... wait.

How about a soup tureen?

- What tureen? - The one she threw.

Now I remember.

I've got it.

Clear as holy water.

I say divorce, and bam!

Tureen!

It just missed my head.

Why didn't you say so?

Original, better than a gun or poker!

That's good, it sounds true!

Didn't touch it,

- did you? - What?

A tureen breaks, gets soup all over.

- You didn't clean? - Heck no.

Alright...

Now do as I say.

Go back home,

and turn yourself in.

- Ok. - Tell them what happened.

Argument, accident, nothing more.

Then you demand

- to see an attorney. - You!

No!

Don't designate

the attorney until you're charged.

Around Monday, so I'll have time

to look up recent marital crime cases

involving bread knives.

You're great, let me kiss you!

Not necessary.

Don't miss your train.

Follow my instructions.

Thank you sir, thank you.

Still mad at me?

Gonna change clothes.

Go on and change, asshole.

To you, my Jojo.

Come on, no grudges, ok?

Let's make a toast!

Haven't you had enough already?

To forget your ugly mug!

You forget my mug pretty fast when I'm gone.

You lose no time

having your fun.

Having my fun?

Having my fun, who with?

With Jacky.

What the hell are you saying?

You even dream about him at night.

Don't know why you say he's got "long hands."

But Jacky doesn't give a shit about you.

Fat cow!

Bastard!

Bastard!

How dare you!

- How dare you! - Lulu, no!

You ruined it!

Shit, shit!

Lulu, Lulu, Lulu!

Oh, no...

I shouldn't be drinking.

Gotta keep my cool.

The tureen.

The tureen.

What did I say?

She threw it at my head.

Yay!

Happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday to you!

Happy birthday, dear Magali!

Happy birthday to you!

Yay!

Jojo, right on cue!

Have a drink, it's Magali's birthday.

Happy birthday.

Look at you. What happened?

- Lulu tried to kill me. - That's terrible!

That bitch, I told you so.

- At least you're alive. - Thank you, Mary.

Yes, but...

She's dead.

What're you saying?

Don't tell me you did it?

Not on purpose, it was an accident.

Why are you staring?

Don't you believe me?

Sure I do.

It's fate.

Yeah, a cruel fate!

I'm turning myself in.

Good for you, Jojo.

Go back to Paradise, I'll call the cops.

What's going on?

A tragedy at your place?

My wife is dead.

Don't be silly.

Tell me where Lulu is.

In the kitchen.

- Nothing was touched? - No one went in.

Let's go.

Call the prosecutor.

Ok.

Let's see.

She died about 1-1/2 hours ago.

Around 9 p.m.

We were having soup.

Ok, how many wounds?

One. Remove the knife?

No, after the pictures.

- Briscot! - Here, Mr. Prosecutor.

Drink that, it'll help.

What's wrong with him?

On the floor!

Hurry!

A vomitory!

Briscot!

Leave the glass.

Yes, boss.

It's strychnine.

Call an ambulance!

No pictures!

Clear the way.

- Is he dead? - Almost.

I didn't mean to, Ma'am. I promise.

We're with you, Jojo.

It was either her or you.

She got what she deserved.

We'll all testify for you.

Who'll take care of my goats?

Happy to see you, sir.

You won't be in a minute.

The deputy died?

No, he'll pull through.

Sit down!

Officer Fortin's report.

It confirms the crime occurred on April 4 at 9 p.m.

But the same day, you came to tell me

you killed your wife the day before: Thursday!

Thursday, Friday... all the same to her.

Not for me!

Why did you come?

To find out how to go about it.

I followed your instructions.

- Instructions? - That's right.

The knife, the tureen,

the jealousy. You can be proud.

But that's murder!

No, it's an accident.

Who'll believe it when they hear you came to see me?

It makes me your accomplice!

That's right.

What?!

As soon as I saw you on TV,

I knew you'd get me off.

I had it made.

You can't say no to another acquittal.

Yes I can, it's too immoral!

You got me to kill my wife,

after all.

I did not!

Well, you told me how.

Same thing. Or worse.

That's insane.

Anyway, I didn't kill my wife.

She tried to stab me.

It wasn't me, ok?!

Wait, come back!

Come back!

Let's talk about the poison.

It was strychnine,

a mole-killer called Tutop 10.

- Did you buy it? - No.

Never saw a mole in Paradise.

So it was your wife.

It'll take time to prove it.

It was in my glass. That's not enough?

That doesn't prove anything.

You could've planted it there

to frame her.

Good idea. I never thought of that.

Maybe next time.

You're appearing in court today,

before the magistrate.

Keep your answers simple.

He'll only state the charges against you.

Then confirm to him that I will defend you.

Everyone knows that.

That's the way it is.

The wonderful ways of the system.

So I have to stay in jail?

It can't be helped.

- How long? - Until the investigation's over.

They're treating you well?

What I'll really miss are Marilyn, Marlene,

and Mistinguett.

Pardon me?

They're my...

my goats.

Can I see my mistress?

You have a mistress?

Doesn't everyone?

That's terrible for us!

I mean my school-mistress.

Mrs. Blondeau.

With you, it's one surprise after the other.

I'll see you tomorrow.

After I see Judge Frégard.

- Sir, I... - No, no.

Good-bye, sir.

Don't worry.

- Everything'll work out. - Come on.

And then she threw the tureen.

- Is that right? - Yes.

Alright.

Briscot, throw the tureen.

The tureen!

I don't have a tureen.

Oh. Then improvise, man!

Use your hat.

Ow! What's the big idea?

You never threw a tureen?

No, your Honor.

You use both hands.

Officer, give him that tureen... hat.

Both hands!

- Ready? - Yes, your Honor.

- You too? - Yes.

Go.

Was that it?

Yes, but...

Then she took the knife.

Not that one, a knife...

Use this.

She said: "Oh, you bastard! You bastard!"

Then she tried to stab you, right?

Yes, that's right.

So you grabbed her...

you grabbed her arm...

"Lulu was big, it wasn't easy."

Then what?

I was afraid of the knife.

So I struggled to move her arm away.

- One way, then the other. - And then?

Then, during the struggle,

she screamed.

"Ah! Aaaahhh..."

Like that.

Then she collapsed.

Then I saw she had the knife

in her belly.

Moving right along. Officer?

Act it out.

Oh, you bastard!

Oh, you bastard!

Briscot.

That'll be all.

Martin Gaillard, Gustave Brincourt,

Jacques Ramirez,

Martine Ramirez.

Roger Giannelli, Mr. Doucet.

Go ahead, be my guest.

Get an eyeful.

I can't complain.

I've only got 3 goats,

but the cheese sells.

You can live on that?

I have vegetables too, plus my allowance.

His veteran's allowance, serving the nation.

"Serving the nation," let's talk!

I am talking!

He stayed one day!

So what?

Gentlemen!

Don't start.

Poacher, please explain.

When I was 20, they sent me to Algeria.

The jurors his age know what that means.

Let the suspect speak.

You came home, married Lucienne Pécout.

Your boss's daughter.

I had to.

You had to?

- She said she was pregnant. - By you?

So she said.

Objection!

It's too easy to soil the victim's name.

There's no proof

that it was a lie.

Yes, no child was born.

Objection!

Can you produce

- a single witness? - We have several.

We'll see!

We're ready!

- What witnesses? - The whole village.

Let's proceed.

Poacher.

You said that since your marriage began,

you didn't get along with your spouse.

At first it was awful, and then it got worse.

Excuse me.

The seventh juror has requested me to ask this question.

Who got the most out of the marriage?

If you mean money, it was her.

She rented her land to Mr. Laroche.

And I was working for free on her farm.

She helped with the work.

No one ever saw her do anything but make soup

and get drunk.

Unbelievable, we're trying the victim!

The victim was a twisted individual:

Greedy, mean, drunk, revolting.

You're in the wrong place.

Rather than trying this poor man,

we should convict an evil woman

who planned murder by poison for a long time.

It's true, she wanted me dead.

Pardon, pardon, pardon!

When the suspect killed her,

he knew nothing of her criminal intentions.

"Intentions"...

She laced his drink with poison!

The suspect didn't know!

I figured it out.

I saw in her eyes that she wanted me dead.

But you killed her!

No.

I defended myself.

For once the punishment came first.

That's totally unacceptable.

You said you were jealous.

I said that?

Yes, you did.

Mr. Jacquard thought

it was a good idea to say that.

Impossible, with her looks.

She was unfaithful.

Yes... with Jacky.

- Huh?! - What?!

To help me.

- That's a lie! - What?

You slept with her?

Bastard! Bastard!

Old pervert!

Throw those maniacs out!

- Bastard! - I swear it's not true.

Order!

Order, I said!

Show them Lulu's picture.

They'll see Jacky was a hero.

Sir...

Bailiff, pass around the picture of Lucienne Pécout.

I'm just showing you,

with Lulu

it could never work.

But a man has to get by.

He can't close his eyes his whole life!

This is shameful!

Poacher, control yourself.

You're out of line.

I'm sorry, Mr. President.

But you city folks,

when you've had it, you get a divorce.

We country people can't.

You can't share animals.

We have to finish our lives together.

We have to.

Ma'am.

For many years,

you were the suspect's teacher.

You knew him as a child.

As a child and a man.

My affection for him is unchanged.

I told that to the magistrate.

I know.

Let's skip right to the wedding.

- Did you go? - Of course.

- What did you think? - He was making a mistake.

Did the suspect know that?

Oh, yes.

But still,

he did it.

Jojo had been Lulu's lover for a long time.

It was no secret.

Maybe he felt he had to marry her.

Please explain your thought.

Jojo is very honest.

Some say he's naive.

Lulu was capable of anything to get her way.

- She found a way. - Such as a pregnancy?

If that was the only way to convince him,

why not?

You should ask Jojo.

We already did.

The witness

- may be cross-examined. - Thank you.

The suspect claims

he had total trust in you.

Did he tell you he married Miss Pécout because she was pregnant?

No.

Did you hear him say it?

I don't listen to gossip.

So when you mention a pregnancy,

it's an imaginary supposition.

Let me say two things.

One: It wasn't I

who mentioned the pregnancy, but Mr. President.

Two: With all due respect,

the term "imaginary supposition"

is not only discourteous,

but even worse, it sounds like a pleonasm.

Order!

Proceed.

Excuse me if I was discourteous.

I appreciate the grammar lesson.

Clerk!

Strike "imaginary" from the register.

- If it's allowed. - Done.

Does the prosecution

have any further questions?

No, Mr. President.

Alright.

Thank you, you may go.

You swear to tell the truth?

That goes without saying!

But we have to say it.

Alright, I swear.

Like all the liars that came here.

Spare us your comments.

Lousy welcome here.

If I did that, I'd have to fold.

So, it's correct

that you own a café?

I can swear to that too.

No, once is enough.

Jojo Poacher

was a customer of yours?

I'll say, every day he came by for a galopin.

- Right, Jojo? - Galopin?

Galopin. Beer and lemonade in a bock glass.

Bock glass.

A little glass. A galopin, ok?!

Never heard of it.

You heard of it?

Were you aware of his differences

- with his spouse? - Differences?

You call them differences? Nightmares!

You know the last one?

She burned up his stamp collection!

You collect stamps?

Yes.

Since when?

I started as a kid,

when my mistress gave me a notebook.

- I started saving used stamps. - And then?

When I saved some money,

I bought some new stamps.

Beautiful stamps that take you away.

Then I went out and got a real album.

Green and gold.

With rings or an adjustable bar in the middle?

An adjustable bar.

It holds more pages.

- With pockets? - Yes, of course.

Say, you know a lot about it, don't you?

A little.

What do you collect?

At first I tried everything.

The ex-colonies, I liked Polynesia,

Saint-Pierre-and-Miquelon

was good too.

Stamps take you places.

But you have to choose.

I stopped at the Wallis-and-Futuna Islands.

No, the Wallis-and-Futuna Islands?

Yeah. Not counting

the "France libre 1941" extras,

I had every single stamp

from 1920 until today, except one.

The 157 by Yvert and Tellier.

How did you know?

You can imagine the trouble I had getting it.

It's not so well-rated.

But it's part of a series.

You want it, you buy the series.

That's right.

But if you want to buy the whole series,

they tell you:

"There's no 157, ha!"

Now, that's really...

Sir, this philatelist banter is beyond me.

Sorry, but the clock's ticking.

Let's consider the facts.

Let the prosecution take note:

These are the facts!

I let the discussion continue

in order to be impartial.

I want the ladies and gentlemen of the jury

to understand the stamps' importance.

Vital importance. I doubt the prosecution

will contredict me.

Poacher.

What exactly happened

the night of Thursday, April 3 of last year,

just before the drama?

Uh, well, I...

I went home for supper.

Lulu was at the table, drunk as usual.

And...

So.

I went to look at my album until she woke up.

I can't find it!

So I ask her

where she put it.

And she waved her arm.

Like that.

Why?

She was pointing to the stove.

My stamps, my album!

She burned it all!

It's true, I could've killed her that night.

I even picked up the poker!

And then...

I couldn't do it.

Because I'm not a killer.

I'm not a killer.

I know no one cares a whit about stamps.

Unless they're valuable.

But mine had the value I gave them.

They, and my goats, are all I have.

That's all.

No one can understand that.

No one.

Commediante! Tragediante!

Give him a job at the theater!

Anywhere but a court of law.

Gentlemen, please control yourselves.

I fail to see

what justice can win from such exchanges.

It's getting late.

We've had a long day.

The meeting is adjourned,

until 10 a.m. Tomorrow.

- Mrs. Grudilleux, is that right? - No.

Goudilleux, Miss Goudilleux.

- Not Mrs. - Excuse me.

It seems it was you

who sold the mole-killer.

It doesn't seem. I sold it to her.

Was the client someone you'd met?

Never.

Maybe you did.

That face is unforgettable.

You only saw her once?

That's what I just said.

So... what brand of mole-killer was it?

Tutop 10.

"Tutop won't stop 'till moles drop."

- That's the commercial. - Does it work?

Of course, it's strychnine.

Very effective against moles.

And humans too?

Ditto.

If the deputy hadn't been treated by an expert,

the poor man wouldn't have pulled through.

- Miss Gaudilleux... - Goudilleux!

I'm sorry, Goudilleux.

What impression did you have on April 4

when you sold the mole-killer

to Mrs. Poacher?

It was the first time she bought it.

I suggested she read the instructions.

When she stated her identity for your records,

did you believe her?

No, she was a bad liar,

I wasn't fooled.

So it was fair for you to suppose

she was planning something reprehensible.

Such as poisoning her husband.

Objection!

The defense is influencing the witness!

You've done the same

throughout this trial!

The question may be asked.

Miss Gaudillaux...

Goudilleux!

I'm terribly sorry.

Uh, Miss Goudilleux,

please answer the question.

Did you imagine

she wanted to poison her husband?

I didn't imagine.

- I was sure. - Why?

Hasn't every woman wanted to do the same?

That's why I never married.

I'm an old m... single woman.

So, convinced

of her bad intentions,

you sold her the poison anyway?

I'm not allowed to refuse to sell

authorized products.

The jury has been informed of Mrs. Poacher's intentions.

Without the accident,

my client wouldn't be here today.

She would be in the suspect's chair!

Accident! Now I've heared everything!

When a woman is stabbed to death,

it's called murder.

When a madwoman

stabs herself,

it's called an accident!

Gentlemen!

Please!

Poacher.

Do you regret causing this fatal incident?

Uh... yes.

And no.

How's that?

If she weren't dead,

I'd rather be locked up than live with her.

But if... if you acquit me,

maybe I can live a little.

That's all.

Verdict tonight! Get "Le Progres!"

Verdict tonight! "Crime in Paradise!"

"Le Progres," get "Le Progres!"

"Crime in Paradise," verdict tonight!

Look at the suspect.

Look at his baby face.

But don't be fooled!

We have before us an assassin

of the most sinister kind.

On the surface, he looks human.

But underneath lies a predator.

Throughout the trial, not once did he express regret.

Not a shred of pity for his victim.

So why should we show any pity?

This man is an animal.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury,

I urge you without hate, but without weakness,

to choose a punishment that reflects his crime:

The death penalty.

Well, I'll be damned.

Joseph Poacher. Chin up.

Your plea for clemency was rejected.

Head out the window...

Wake up!

Poacher, please approach the bench.

Joseph Poacher.

After deliberating,

the court finds you guilty of voluntary homicide,

in extenuating circumstances.

In punishment,

the court sentences you

to 4 years in prison, with 1 year deferred.

The hearing of this court is hereby adjourned.

- No guillotine! - Of course not.

4 years is a lot, I expected less.

But it's nothing!

Minus a year in custody,

a year deferred, you'll do 18 months, tops.

Well, ok, thanks.

We'll take care of everything, Jojo.

It'll go fast.

She's right.

It'll go fast.

Thank you.

Thank you, th...

Lestrade, Poacher, you've got visitors.

Hey, Jacky!

Wow.

I'm happy to see you.

I thought you hated me.

I was mad. What was that about?

Clean slate, like the mistress would say.

- Is she ok? - Yeah.

Seems like it.

- Tell her I said hello. - Ok.

And the village?

- How is it? - Good.

You're a big hit. This was good for everyone.

"Good" for everyone?

It was in the papers, so people started coming.

Business is picking up.

The café owner added 8 tables outside.

Wow, so many!

You bet, 8 tables.

I left a package at the door.

We all chipped in.

We got you some goodies and a new album,

for a new collection.

Stamps again?

Don't forget, you go tomorrow.

Pack your things.

Ok.

Here they come!

One, two!

Go on, start reading.

"Dear Mr. Poacher,

"the village ist proud

to hellcome..."

- Welcome. - "To welcome you.

"The powet said..."

The writing's bad!

The poet didn't say that.

He said: "After rain comes good weather."

"After rain comes sun.

"From us to you, Mr. Poacher,

"we want to say..."

I'll say what she's trying to say.

We're glad you're back,

because we're glad. Give him the flowers.

No grudges, Jojo.

No false moves, Jojo.

Good thing there were tourists.

I lost my best client.

Don't worry, it'll be fine.

Here you go.

You do the honors.

Never mind, I'll do it.

How many pieces?

Isn't the mistress here?

True, I haven't seen her.

Here you go.

I can stay.

No, I'd rather be alone.

See you tomorrow.

See you.

- Wait, my keys. - Oh, right.

Stupid of me.

Thanks.

I didn't want to throw out Lulu's things until you said so.

I'll do it tomorrow.

See, we wouldn't let Paradise go to the devil.

Thank you, Ma'am.

The whole village pitched in.

You can thank them all.

Magali broke your faux-Chinese vase.

Really?

Good, I never liked that vase.

Give me one.

A cigarette?

I always wondered what they taste like.

Were you angry?

Yes.

I told you,

but you didn't listen.

Water under the bridge.

Just like I imagined.

Mind if I invite myself to dinner?

No, just the opposite.

- I'd love it. - Set the table.

I made some nice pumpkin soup.

- You like that? - Yes.

- I'm glad. - It's my favorite soup.

Marilyn had a kid.

Really?

It's not a male, I hope?

No, a female.

A pretty, wild brown one.

That makes 4.

What will you name her?

It has to start with an M.

I've got Marilyn, Marlene, Mistinguett...

What about Mireille?

Mireille?

Who was that?

Mireille...

The Song Conservatory, remember?

As we lie on the hay The sun shines down its rays

And a little bird Sings from far away

You have a nice voice.

It's ok. I'm no Callas, though.

- No, no thanks. - Really?

So,

- Mireille it is? - Yes.

Mireille it is.

How does the song go?

As we lie on the hay The sun shines down its rays

And a little bird Sings from far away...