All language subtitles for Complètement cramé (2023)

Please, this is my tenth message!

At last.
I've been calling you for hours!

Richard. Speaking French?

Something to hide?

We're all expecting you!

Where the hell are you?

Home.

You know I've always hated
this kind of ceremony.

But it's not just any kind of ceremony,

it's your ceremony.

You're the Man of the Year.

Thank everybody,
but I won't join the party.

You're not coming?

I swear I'll make you pay for this.

Life is already
presenting the bill, my friend.

MR. BLAKE AT YOUR SERVICE

You'd go without saying goodbye?

I've already said goodbye.

Let me drive you to the station.

You know how I feel about your plan.

I'm worried about you.

Going there might do you
more harm than good.

I can't stay anymore.

Diane is gone,

I can't make sense of anything,

not even of my life.

You're still grieving Diane,
I know it's hard.

But please,
don't do anything stupid.

Why don't you go
visit Sarah in Australia instead?

She has her own life now.
The only thing I still want anyway

is to go back where it all began.

Who will I eat with at the club?

Who will I talk French with?

I'm going to miss you too, my friend.

How stubborn you are...

Go then if it's what you want.

But don't get lost.

Always remember that, in France,

they put medicines
in their children's bottoms!

What is it?

Good evening. I'm here for a room.

Do you know what time it is?

Yes, I couldn't book in advance.
There was no...

A room?

I saw an ad for the room.

And you show up now to apply?

I've come a long way.
Can I come in?

Well, now you're here.
How promising.

Staff uses the other door,

over there.

Madame!

Why are you shouting?
I hate that.

Didn't you hear the bell?

Are you expecting me to answer?

A man is here, for a room.
I think he's English.

Did you post your ad online?

No, you said guest rooms
would be too much work.

I wonder who decides here...

Maybe he's not here
for your ad, but mine.

Don't tell me you dared put an ad

when you didn't let me do so.

Only once on a small website,
just to see.

So you don't want guest rooms

even though I need the income.

But you hire a domestic worker,

when I can't afford one.

I promise it won't cost a thing.

And with this extra help,
we could open guest rooms.

Don't worry, stay here.

I intended to.

Stop!

Let me be clear.

This is my territory.
No one comes in without my say-so.

Sorry,
I only wanted to get warm.

OK for this time.

Come in.

What's your name?

Blake. Andrew Blake.

I'm Odile,
please call me Mrs. Odile.

Duly noted, Mrs. Odile.

It's late.

Now let's see your room.
We'll talk tomorrow.

If you're a serious man,
we'll get along.

You won't help me
with my suitcase, I guess...

You'll have a nice view
over the park.

Ah yes, the park, wonderful.

Welcome to your kingdom.

That's my room?

Better than the stables.

Excuse me.

Tomorrow's your first day,
I'll go easy on you.

Be downstairs at 6:30 a.m.

Usually in bed and breakfasts,
people can...

Evening or morning?

Sorry?

Do you shower in the evening or morning?

Plumbing's terrible, you'll be freezing
if we don't get organised.

So?

- Morning.
- Fine. Evenings are for me.

Good night.

And welcome to the Beauvillier estate.

"You'll have a nice view over the park."

Still in bed?

You can't just walk in like that.

You're late.

What if I had slept naked?

You'd have caught a cold.

Late on your first day.
What a great start.

What a lovely welcome.

Can you believe I came here to rest...

You didn't even offer me
a slice of bread for dinner last night.

To rest?

Since when can't people simply sleep

in guest houses?

- Guest houses?
- Look at this room. How ritzy!

My kingdom,

as you had the nerve to say
to me, a British man!

It's a terrible mistake.

I'm sorry, we don't have guest rooms,
not yet.

I thought you came for the job.

What job?

I put an ad for domestic staff.

You can't stay.

No need to pay anything,
but you must leave.

I want to stay here.

Sure, you look your age, but elegant.

You really look like
a classy English butler.

Anyway, I'll let you pack your things.

Sorry again about all this.

I'm begging you
to let me stay here for a while,

I need it.

It's in this estate,

that I met the love of my life.

We were young.

She was on holidays
and I'd been hired

as her English teacher.

It was love at first sight.

We spent more than
forty blissful years together.

We had promised each other
we'd come back here.

She died...

four months ago.

My life ended with hers.

So I decided
to come back on my own.

I'm truly sorry for you.

I'd do anything to live here again,
even just for a while.

I may have an idea.

I'm not sure I understand.

Mr. Blake will do
a trial period with us.

Room and board
in exchange for his work.

He's English,
with excellent references.

No doubt about it.

We'll need to rent many guest rooms
to afford him.

Does he speak French?

My wife was French, I get by.

I'll show him around

and see to his duties.

Perfect.

It's a tired house, Mr. Blake.

And I sometimes feel that way too.

I don't know why you applied
for the job but

I must warn you that

we don't need someone
who has no courage left.

What?

What do you want now?

It worked.
Now you have to play along.

I'll do my best.

Playing a butler could be quite amusing.

Come this way.

We still have a lot to go over.

I cook Madame's meals. You bring them.

Personal care is my duty.

Manon comes to clean
and do the laundry.

Madame hosts guests here.

Well, she used to.
No one comes anymore.

Over there I'll show you

where we keep
the cleaning equipment,

and where Manon irons.

And the basement, I never go there.

This is the winter garden.

Madame used to love reading here.

Keep up the pace.

Dinner parties were held here,

but Madame no longer hosts any.

Come on,
we still have a lot to see.

Over there, where we put...

- What are you waiting for?
- Your say-so.

Just give me the teapot,

next to the window.

Slept well?

The night felt
like a trip into the past.

As for the shower, it was more like

going back to prehistoric times.

Don't pet him!

He hates it. He's kind of wild.

He only accepts me.
Right, Mephisto?

While I finish that,

can you iron the newspaper?

Iron the newspaper?
Is that some local expression?

Yeah, it means using an iron
on the newspaper

to dry out the ink,
so not to stain your fingers.

Rich British don't do that?

I could tell you if I were one of them.

Go, now.

Oil prices are flaring up!

You think it's funny?

You're fried in your head!

If you want to stay,
act like a real butler.

Madame Beauvillier?

Madame Beauvillier?

I won't be cruel, you're new,

but keep in mind
I don't like having to wait.

My apologies, Madame.

I've had some technical problem
with the newspaper.

Let me have a look.

Indeed.

What kind of butler are you,
Mr. Blake?

Determined to do my best to stay,

even if ironing newspapers
isn't my greatest skill...

Pour me a cup of tea, please.

Since I am fortunate to have you
for the moment,

please answer these today
or we'll lose the free gifts.

Do you really take these letters
seriously? If I may...

You may not.

Do you know why you're here?

- For a trial period.
- Absolutely.

I'm sure Odile explained.

I plan to open guest rooms.

It is a necessity.

I understand.

Odile, whom I trust,

insists we need
some extra help to do so.

We have to decide

if you can be that help.

Meanwhile, I still seize

every opportunity I can.

Am I a fool to believe in luck?

Of course not, Madame.

We must never lose hope...

even when it fails us.

Lost in memories?

In a very strong one.
With Diane, right here.

I still have the video we made.

This is also where I saw her

for the first time.

Nostalgia hurts, right?

Only while you're awake,
otherwise, it's a dream.

- I have a cure for melancholy.
- Really?

Does cleaning ears help feeling better?

Your ears are your business.

But the clocks are dusty.

Madame keeps asking what you do,

so take your trial period seriously.

Christ, what was the whistle for?

For Manon.
She never hears when I call.

- What is it?
- We'll have a new...

"colleague" for a while.

Mr. Blake.

Classy like a British!

Well, that's a stroke of luck.
I am British.

God help me...

Win 100 000 euros!

Congratulations, you have

the lucky number!

Your life will change!

How can Madame
fall for any of this?

Everybody knows this junk is fake.

What do you think of it, mister cat?
Meow?

Don't mock him, nor Madame.

- She's a good woman.
- It was no mockery.

I know this mail is junk,

but who can blame her?

She does her best for the estate.

Monsieur died and...
You must know how she feels.

She recently lost her husband?

Four years ago...

She's struggling
to make ends meet.

In the mood for a drink?

One of my favourite French traditions...

Let's drink to your future guest rooms!

If you drink, you die.

It's a homemade cleaning mix
to unclog sinks.

Cheers...

Richard, it's me...

You were right.

Maybe coming back here
wasn't such a good idea.

You can't imagine
the things I must do

to be allowed to stay.

Earlier I had to unclog two sinks

with a chemical weapon
of mass destruction.

I got a room smaller than
your golf clubs cupboard...

Listen, ass face:

if you move an inch,

I'll blow you up and feed you to my dog.

Ass face?
I'm afraid I don't quite understand.

Yeah, right, dummy.

I'm done with you lot stealing my tools!

So call your gang
with your barbarian accent

and tell them to stay away!

I was looking for a signal.

Sure, and I'm Miss France.

Look, you're mistaken,

I'm English...

My accent isn't barbarian.

Stop or I'll make a pudding
of your face.

Oh man,

don't burglars ever retire?

I'm not a barbarian pudding

and you're not Miss France!

You could have killed me...

Probably. It's lucky you ran.

I'm truly sorry, Mr. Brake.

How odd to mistake
wood piles and phone boxes!

Is this why they paint it red
in your country?

Let's drink together!

If I had known...

I would have welcomed you.
But nobody told me.

You're trying to kill me again,

that stuff is for unclogging sinks.

I know it's not divine,
but it's not bad.

I distil it myself.

Not bad indeed.

You know, Mr. Steak,

I'm glad there's another man here.

I felt lonely.

The ladies here are quite special...

Blake, my name is Blake.

Thanks for the drink. I must go.

Wait, don't leave like that.

I shot at you. We're connected.

- One last shot?
- Not from your gun?

From our glasses,
as a welcome drink!

Anyone in there?

I'm warning you,
If you're a barbarian pudding,

I know someone with a big gun

who's tired
of having his tools stolen.

Manon?

What are you doing here at night?

Nothing.

What do you mean, nothing?

Do Odile and Madame know...

Mind your own business.

Sorry,

but I can't just
leave you here like that.

You know, I have a daughter,
a little older than you.

If someone were to find her
in your state,

I hope they would help her...

Help me?

Tell me what it is.

Maybe I can help.

Have you ever been pregnant?

Not recently, I must admit.

But if you are...

it's great news!

Except Justin left me.

I suppose he's the father?

Why did he do that?

Because he's a bastard!

He says I did it on purpose.

That I want to tie him down.
It's not true!

When my mum found out,
she kicked me out.

So I sleep here.

I remember very clearly how I felt

when my wife told me
I was going to be a father.

I completely panicked!

Maybe your Justin got scared, too.

He'll come back then?

I don't know him...

But I know men are not always

as confident as they pretend to be.

But you can't sleep here,
especially in your condition.

The place looks almost
as ugly as my room.

I've got nowhere to go.

I know exactly what you mean...

Not a word to Madame.

Nor to Odile.

Don't push me.

I'm not the only one.
Let it be very clear.

This time
I'll do things my way.

Why should I follow your ideas?

All you can do is watch
and let me do as I want.

But you've only just asked
to be let out.

Make up your mind!

Maybe you'd need a cat flap.

Did you sleep well?

Are you really asking?

I hope you didn't talk.

I'm not much good anymore,
but when I give my word...

Sorry about yesterday.

I annoyed you with my stories.

My mum says I'm a talker.

No need to apologise.

Life can be tough at times

but talking, even with a stranger,
can help.

It did help, actually.

Thank you.

She doesn't seem
to like him so much.

Who, Magnier?

They avoid each other.

Gotta go!

Thanks for your help!

Where do you think
she's put my lunch?

I'm starving.

Thanks for the food,
it's delicious.

What food? It's too early.

You stole my cat's lunch!

Mummy will cook another one
for you, baby.

It truly was delicious.

I'm okay

for "Mummy"
to cook this for me again

whenever she wants.

You're so...

You're not gonna hit me,
are you?

You can run.

You'll dust off the ceilings anyway!

Just out of curiosity:

are you taking advantage
of the situation

to turn me into your slave?

Are you going
to take away my passport too?

Are you crazy?

Prepare the living room,
Madame's friend is coming.

Is Madame hosting guests again now?

She wants to show off her new toy.

What new toy?

You!

Showtime!

I just ordered
two magnificent dresses!

But I'll need more...

because of all the dinners I have.

Shall I leave, Madame?

An English butler?

I hope the exchange rate
was advantageous...

Contrary to what some people think,

dear madam,

English butlers are a good deal,
especially past 50.

They're on sale.

If Madame desires anything,

I am at her service.

How can Madame be friends
with this woman?

I'm not judging.
It's just an observation.

And an obvious one.

I shouldn't say it but...

I don't like her.

Why does Madame keep seeing her?

Without Mrs. Berliner,
she would really be alone.

But I heard voices
coming from Madame's room last night.

Is she dating someone?

She never got over her husband's loss.

And that's indiscreet!

I shouldn't be asking, right?

Because I'm on trial period?

Because that's none of your business.

Well, forgive me,

but I can't remain unconcerned

about that kind of situation.

I'm going to see Mr. Magnier.

Might as well make myself useful.
We could repair the gate videophone.

Do as you like.
Just don't bring him here.

Mr. Cake!
I wasn't expecting...

I'm only stopping by
about the gate videophone.

I thought we could fix it together.

The videophone?

Why not?
It should be easy.

You'll let me know when?

Sure, will do.

Mr. Magnier,
you wouldn't happen to have

a spare bedside lamp?

I don't have any
and can't read at night.

I'd rather not bother Odile.

Of course, I understand.
Let me see...

- Here.
- What's this?

Nothing.
Is this lamp okay for you?

It's truly

astonishing,

splendid!

Is this a dollhouse?

Hell, no!
I don't make dollhouses.

It's for hedgehogs...

- Hedgehogs?
- Yeah.

I make hibernation huts for hedgehogs.

So foxes can't eat them.

You shoot at humans

and you build
little houses for hedgehogs...

They're cute...

And useful.

Sure, they are good at ironing shirts,

answering the phone...

Are you making fun of me?

Not at all.
I think what you do is very nice.

Besides, it's truly pretty

even though I'm not sure

they really need
tiny curtains on the windows...

Please, don't tell Odile about this.
She already thinks I'm weird...

As you wish.

You'll let me know about the videophone.

And thank you.

Hello, Manon.

How are you feeling this morning?

I've found a lamp
and two blankets for your nest,

to make it a bit cosier.

What's wrong?
Any news from Justin?

She'll ask about my red eyes...

You should tell her the truth.

Are you two deaf?

Didn't you hear the whistle?

Manon just lost her aunt.
She was very ill.

They were so close.

I'm sorry.
You never mentioned her...

They couldn't see each other much,

because of the distance, but...

She was here when Manon was born,

she delivered her and raised her
when her mother fell ill.

Your aunt was a midwife?

No, a dentist...

Let this poor girl answer!

Go vacuum the stairs.

When will my trial period end?

I'm tired of chasing
tumbleweeds around...

You chase dustballs, not tumbleweeds...

Go on, hop to it!

So, I chase the dustballs
or hop on them?

What are you doing, now?

I'm taking the cat's temperature.

Are you mad?

Leave him alone!

He's fine.

I'm just checking a technical point.

This animal is behaving
in a strange way.

- That makes two of you.
- What?

You sleep with a stuffed toy.
A grown man like you!

It's not a stuffed toy, it's Jerry.

My daughter's cuddly toy
when she was a baby.

She got older and lost interest in him.

I've kept him ever since.

You can laugh if you want...

I'm sorry, really.

I didn't mean to...

Mephisto,

you're a genius!

If you've got nothing to do, I can help.

You cured my nostalgia with cotton buds,

I'd rather not know how
you're planning to cure my despair...

Have mercy! Not the toilet brush!

You're crazy.

Is it worse than fried in the head?

I've got two secrets to tell you.

The first one is about your cat.

I've finally discovered why
he never sits at the same place

in the kitchen.

He changes spots
so he can always be at exactly 22°C.

That's remarkable.

And your other secret?

I lied to you.

You're from the Labour Inspection?

It's not that bad,
but more serious.

Manon didn't lose her aunt.

Why was she crying, then?

Because she's pregnant
and her boyfriend left her.

Her mother kicked her out.

Because of this
she sleeps secretly in the garage...

Please keep any other secret
for another day.

No more revelations.

Why didn't she tell me?
Is she afraid of me?

She didn't tell me either,

I found out by accident
the other night,

on my way back from Magnier's,
who shot me

because I was making a call
on a wood pile.

Mercy! No more revelations...

This is not a revelation,

it's just a fact.

Poor Manon...

She could use one of our spare rooms.

I'm sure Madame will agree to help her.

That's stunning!
You're an artist.

Thanks.

And you trim at this season?

That's my secret
for better growth in spring.

Did you know Mr. Beauvillier?

I even saved his life.

There was a car crash, I pulled a man
out of his burning car. It was him.

That's how we met.

I was a carpenter, my factory had just
shut down. So he hired me.

Best years of my life!

This place was happy, back then.

So was Madame.
I'd found a second family.

Sadly, things changed
after Mr. François died.

You know, Mr. Fake...

Illness makes no difference
between good and bad guys.

And why is the other grave nameless?

I don't know that, Mr. Trek,

nor if there's anyone in it.

I like you, Mr. Magnier.

Honestly, I really do,

but if you say my name wrong again,

I'll make you eat your shears.

Sorry, I'm terrible with surnames...

Couldn't we use first names?
I'm Philippe.

Andrew.

A DREAM WEEKEND FOR YOU

If you don't mind,

Mr. Magnier and I are planning
to repair the videophone,

and I would like to install a cat flap
in the staff door.

It won't cost a thing.

Thanks for your penny-wise initiatives,
Mr. Blake.

I don't mean to pry but,

are your finances that bad?

- You're being intrusive.
- I could...

Mr. Blake, this is my business.

I'm sure an educated man
such as yourself can understand.

I am pleased that you are with us and...

I'm not the only one.

But let it be very clear:

running this estate
is like running a small business.

You have no qualification
in this field.

Please stick to
your area of expertise.

What?

I'm in this situation
because of you.

Don't mess with me.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Why do you keep the heavy utensils

out of reach?

You should switch
with the lighter ones at the bottom.

That would be easier...

Always giving your opinion...

Don't be mad at me,

my comment was merely meant
to spare your back.

My back is fine, thank you.

It's as if you and Madame
refuse to be helped...

I beg your pardon?

Nothing...

You, on the other hand,

you like to be taken care of.

You're a handsome not-so-little guy.

- A bit plump on the sides, maybe...
- He's got his winter coat on.

You, at least, are lucky
to be fed like royalty,

but you should exercise more.

So your food isn't as good
as Mephisto's?

No, I didn't mean to.
I'm just saying...

Mephisto is not fat.

And if you don't like my food,
don't eat it!

We'll open guest rooms,
not a restaurant.

And leave my cat alone!

This way my food won't poison you.

The British invented sandwiches:
make yourself one.

Why are you doing this?

I never said
I didn't like your cooking...

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you.

I only meant that

the terrine you cooked for Mephisto
was truly delicious.

You should trust your instinct
and cook the way you feel,

for all of us as well as for him.

- Beauvillier estate. How may I help?
- Test the opening, please.

It works!

- Problem solved!
- Good job, Philippe!

Andrew...

You must think I'm a loser.

Why are you telling me this now?

It's a videophone,
not a confessional.

I'm too ashamed
to tell you face to face.

I'm worse than a clumsy bear.

What's that,
another one of your expressions?

What's wrong?

I don't know what to do.

I live in the woods.
I'm not good with people.

Andrew, look at me,

I'm a grumpy hermit.

From here,
you look more like a grumpy frog.

Seriously.

Could you help me?

So bad weather
you wouldn't put a cat out!

Put a dog out.

Dinner's almost ready.
Please set the table.

Yum-yum.

May I make a comment?

Don't you dare mention
Mephisto's weight again,

or I won't feed you for a week.

- Mephisto is an athlete.
- Don't overdo it either.

Just pretend you didn't notice
utensils changed places.

I didn't notice anything.

But I did smell something!

Mephisto's going to enjoy his meal!

Don't push it,
or I'll give him your share.

It would only be fair.

Is this really for us?

Only if you behave.

Where did you learn
to cook like this?

I worked for 5 years
in a brigade in a famous restaurant,

the Relais Dormeuil.

A brigade?

That's the kitchen staff.

Odile, this is not a dish,

it's a masterpiece.

- Don't make fun of me.
- I am not.

This should be served
in a Michelin-starred restaurant.

Believe me.

You are truly gifted.

How do you achieve
such a subtle flavour?

I trusted my instinct.

Goodness!

Can't he just use the cat flap?

If you don't mind my asking,

why are you working here
instead of in that restaurant?

I wasn't there to make a career...

I was there for a man.

I learned how to cook with him.

For him.

He was offered a good job
as a chef in London.

He wanted me to go with him, but...

I said no.

I was scared

that he wouldn't find me
good enough anymore.

So he left.

And I ended up here.

You must think I'm pathetic.

Why, because you have a past,

and regrets?

Certainly not.

Do you have regrets, Mr. Blake?

Many. But, at my age,

you don't think so much
about the mistakes you've made

as much as the people you miss.

I miss so many of them...

Why do you only cook
for Mephisto now?

He doesn't judge me.

If you're watching me from up here,
you're probably laughing.

I don't recognise anything.

They all seem to be a bit weird
around here.

I've a feeling
they're as lost as I am...

I wish you were here with me.

Philippe, may I ask you
a personal question?

If it's about
how I decorate huts or tidy up,

I'd rather you didn't.

What's between you and Odile?

Grumpy hermit messed things up again.

To you, I can admit it.

She lives alone, I live alone, so...

I tried to make a change for us both.

I must have been so clumsy,
she keeps avoiding me now.

England's always quick
to send the cavalry.

Waterloo was a costly lesson.

I'm not England

and I know I'm old,
but I didn't fight in Waterloo.

For your own good,

let's avoid the clichés
our countries have about each other.

France shall not fear
perfidious Albion.

Are you sure?

Do you want to know
how we see the French back home?

Go ahead. Ain't scared!

Frogs with berets and baguettes,

grumbling and telling others
what to do

and eating snails on festive days.

But we must be mistaken

since you don't look like a frog,

except on the videophone, that is.

And do you wanna know
how we see you?

Pray tell.

Uptight, snobbish, and deceitful.

Thanks, Philippe!

My pleasure.

Oh, and asexual too.

Asexual?

To know how many times an Englishman
had sex, just count his kids.

Poor me, I only have one daughter!

And what kind of animal
would you say we are?

English are animals in themselves!

My wife was French,
and she always kept this from me!

Many things surprise me
in your beautiful country.

For example, there's the difference
you make between "tu" and "vous".

This can be quite convenient.

You can politely say "vous"
to people you don't like.

And say "tu" to those you like.

It's like a little gift,
a special bond.

And if I deserve this little gift,

maybe we could switch to "tu"?

Pourquoi pas, dear Andrew...

Didn't you hear the whistle?

I thought I heard something of the kind,

but I thought such military methods

were for people with headphones.

And I'm on my break right now.

You want me to call
the Labour Inspection?

I need help to organise
Manon's future room.

If it's for a good cause,
I'm your man.

So, you English retreat
in front of my French offensive!

I didn't think a Frenchman

could confuse
gallantry with cowardice.

Come give us a hand instead.

No, leave this to us!

You sit and rest.

Here, have a seat.

There you go.

Where's Mr. Blake?

Gone to get some blankets.

At last you're here!

I was at the spa for a beauty treatment.

Then, I swam for hours,

it felt so good!

It felt so good!

Just help me move the bed.

It's bulky,

and my back hurts...

I don't think I can.

However, Philippe here can help you.

Thank you.

No, no need.

I came to make sure
our Manon will be comfortable.

I can't thank you enough, Madame.

You don't have to thank me,

I think it's only natural to help you.

Mrs. Odile, you're blocking the bed.

Say I'm fat, why don't you!

I never said she was fat!

I keep making mistakes.

Still hoping for something with her?

Are we playing chess or talking?

Here!

That's for mocking me.
Check.

Bravo.

Youpla! Come here.

Are you excited about tomorrow's dinner?

I'm gonna suck.

All I eat is half-cooked stuff, alone.

I don't stand a chance with Odile...

Tomorrow you'll all eat with a warthog.

What's a warthog?

A wild pig.

I've never had dinner
with a wild pig before.

Here, we say it's raining ropes.

In England, when it's pouring,
we say it's raining cats and dogs.

I'm sure you must think it's ridiculous,

and I agree with you on this one.

Mephisto!

Time to come home.
Come to Mummy.

Come through the magic door.

Mephisto!

If you use the magic door,
Mummy will make you yummy shrimps.

Come on kitty cat!

Good evening, Mrs. Odile!
How are you?

What the hell is wrong with you?

- What?
- Behind you.

There you are, baby!

He's a good cat...

He came in all by himself

through the magic door.

Good to know he still fits in...

Even though he's spectacularly fat.

You...

How old are you now, Mr. Blake?

I mean mental age, of course.

Too old, as always, Madame.

The real wrinkles are not on the face,
but in the head.

I agree with you.

But try not to kill Odile,
I don't want her to have a heart attack.

I will take care of her, I promise.

I'll try to make it to my room
without her catching me.

- Have a good day, Madame.
- You too, Mr. Blake.

You're scaring the hell out of me.

Use your imagination.

You're supposed to be Odile,
not a mouldy witch.

Youpla would do a better job!

Come on, let's start with the napkin...

No.

You gently take a corner

and let gravity operate.

It's gravity's job to put my napkin on?

Yes.

Exactly. Then, you place it on your lap.

That's not where
I usually get food stains...

Philippe. Stay focused.

Manon will soon arrive,

you should at least know
how to do this properly by then.

- She'll see you like this?
- So what?

She's gonna miscarry right away!

Once more, with your napkin.

So... A corner,

gravity...

place on lap.

That's better,
but try not to crane your neck

like a psycho chicken.

Have a look in a mirror.

All right, now let's see...

Let's see how you hold
your knife and fork.

What about it?

First of all, when to pick them up.

It's not a race.

Wait until everyone is served
and ready to eat.

Got it.

I'll wait.

Now, proceed.

But, you look like
you're about to stab someone.

I stab my steak and every single pea.

If you keep clowning around,
we won't make any progress.

Let me get it and spare Manon.

You sit tight.

Thanks for coming.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Good evening.

Let's change the rules.

I'll go sit right here,
next to the table.

Forget I'm here.

I can't.
Your beauty burnt my eyes.

I won't interfere
unless you do things wrong.

If you make a mistake,
I'll poke you.

How romantic!

Do I push the meatball with my snout?

Do you like flowers?

I love them.

And, what country
would you like to go to?

I'm scared of planes,
and I get seasick.

Somewhere accessible by train.

The Bahamas, maybe?

So...

Have you ever been
on a first date?

Surely, you're so beautiful...

Loved it, Mrs Odile.

I've never eaten anything...

so exquisite.

I heard you're building huts
to protect hedgehogs.

That's nice of you.

Don't worry.

No need to interrupt.

I heard the noise and came down.

I'm happy to see

you're enjoying yourselves.

Please, do join us for dessert.

That's kind of you, but...

If I may...

You often say that.

Stay, if you please!

All right then.

Thank you.

Here, Madame.

Thank you.

Delicious, Odile.

Thank you all for the life
you bring to this house.

Thank you very much.

I want you to know that I am moved

by your care and concern.

I raise my glass to all of you.

To all of us!

By the way...

We must organise ourselves

to welcome two guests
I wish to impress.

They come on behalf

of a major vacation rental website.

They're British...

like you, Mr. Blake.

They'll help us advertise
our future guest rooms.

Thank you.

Good night, Madame.

What a feast, Mrs Odile!

I'll help you clear the table and go.

No worries.
I'll do it my way.

Next time, I'll bring mushrooms

for you to cook a confit.

- Thanks again.
- Good night.

Good night Philippe.

Everybody loved your cooking.

You think so?

How could you doubt it?

Even Madame enjoyed her dessert.

I liked cooking for you all.

Maybe we could do it again?

I've been looking for you.

This room is beautiful!

It was Monsieur's billiard room.

Closed since his death.

Madame wants to open it
for the rental site people.

To show them it could become a bar.

So, what do you need?

We have to choose the wines
for this dinner.

Can you take care of it?

Go down to the basement?

Not a chance.

No way, it's full of bugs.

A big girl like you?

Come on!

It won't take long at all.

Relax.

You'll be fine.

Just tell me where to go

and keep your eyes closed if you want.

The wine cellar is in the back.

There it is.

Don't open your eyes just yet...

Now you can.

- Choose and we're off.
- I feel they're here, watching us.

"They're here, watching us."

I saw a movie where they even came
from another planet...

Stop making fun of me.

These will be perfect
for the starters.

Please take them, I can't.

I'll go get a dusting cloth.

Don't leave me alone!

Take a few bordeaux
for the main course.

Muscat for the aperitif,
champagne for dessert.

Andrew, I have candy floss legs.

What does it mean?

She looks like Sleeping Beauty.

In her cobweb palace.

She's got nice legs.

See, you're attracted to her.

Shut up and hurry.

My back is dying,
she's not exactly light.

Think of it as saving a princess.

What a rescue...

As we say, that weighs
as much as a dead donkey.

How funny, where I come from,

we say it's heavy like a pregnant cow.

I can hear the both of you.

Watch it.

Good evening, madam.

Hello, Andrew.

Melissa?

Sorry, no hugs,
we're not supposed to know each other.

You're looking well.

What are you doing here?

I'm accompanying my wife,

she's looking for holiday
accommodation

in France for a major website.

I had no news
and couldn't even contact you.

I thought they put medicines
in your bottom.

I've come to check.

Madame Beauvillier said
she'd just hired an English butler.

Only you could put yourself
in such a situation.

You look well, old pal.

Good to see you.

Who could have imagined that:

you as a waiter and me as a guest
at the same dinner.

I certainly couldn't have.

It must be what they call
the magic of life!

Do you realise the situation
you're putting me in?

You're the one to blame, big boy.

That's precisely why
I'm thrilled to be here.

You're supposed
to be holding the door open for me,

and standing to attention.

Richard...

Mr. Ward, if you please.

We are from different worlds.

How about a tip?

Welcome everyone.

I'm pleased you're here!

Melissa Ward.

- Richard, my husband.
- Good evening.

Absolutely delighted.

They're splendid!

Mr. Blake,

could you please get a vase?

I'm so happy to meet you!

Please come in.
I'll show you around.

I hope my home
will be to your liking.

It's effective...

All pictures are taken by professionals.

Pray tell, my good fellow,
may I have some ice?

You bastard,
if you keep this up I swear I'll...

I love it when you threaten me.

What are you going to do?
Squash me at chess?

I couldn't care less.

Let me down
at a very important ceremony?

- You already did that.
- You'll pay.

Tomorrow, I'm all yours,

but tonight, I enjoy the show.

Tell me, what about my ice?

Right away, sir.

I'm going to die.

What's wrong?

I'm not cut out for this job.

Good, because it's not your job.

Hold on,
your trial period's almost over.

- But tonight, we need you.
- You're right.

You know what, Mrs. Odile?

I think we're all on trial period.

For us all, it starts at birth
and only ends when we die.

We're busy. No time for philosophy.

And stop with the "Mrs."

People in the same brigade
use first names.

That veal sauté was extraordinary.

I'm blessed with a fantastic cook.

Do you plan to offer meals
with your guest rooms?

Hadn't thought of it.

I'm sure your rooms
will be a big hit in themselves.

Your castle is so beautiful.

It may need
some redecoration to be...

more attractive.

Don't worry.
People are looking for authenticity,

atmosphere, history.

This place is obviously

filled with memories.

Even your butler knows that.

Am I right?

You are absolutely right, sir.

What a night!

So weird to see you playing a butler.

But it suits you.

After all, you've always taken care
of us all.

As for the guest rooms,
the place is truly charming.

I'm sure they'll be a success.

Go warm yourself up in the car,
with your top model dress.

I'll never forget this evening.

Neither will I.

You've spent your time

making fun of me.

Stop hugging me,
if anyone sees us...

I'll confess love at first sight.

You know, Andrew...

I was wrong.

You were right to come here.

I can't remember the last time
you looked...

so alive.

I came for the past,

and I don't know,

I feel good in the present, here.

Are you going
to keep playing butler?

I don't know. We'll see.

Speaking of the future?

Excellent!

I don't ask when you come back...

but watch out,

I can come here again!

Thank you.

Is Madame pleased
with last night's dinner?

You were all perfect.

I think some advertising on websites

would be a real boost.

I agree.

Not sure it will be enough...

No jackpot letters today?

None, Madame.

I'd like to go outside in the park.

Would you care to join me?

I'd forgotten how beautiful
this part of the park was.

Do you miss your wife?

Desperately.

Did you ever cheat on her?

Not once.

You seem to have
an uncommon moral strength.

I'm no better than anyone else,

but I could never have hurt Diane.

You may have noticed that
this grave has no name.

I'm not asking any question, Madame.

It's a compromise, Mr. Blake.

For almost 20 years,
my husband had...

a clandestine love affair.

François was...

my whole life

but I was only a part of his.

He wanted this woman
to be buried here, at our home.

And I said yes.

I endured this offence
on the condition that...

her name would not be written.

He chose to live with you.

Would you have accepted
to be your beloved's second choice?

Him cheating on me
was not the worst of it.

I was truly heartbroken

when I discovered
how much he loved her.

I could have recovered
from a fling but...

I don't recover from...

their love affair.

Madame?

Just one more moment, please.

François has been my joy

and my sorrow.

Yet, I still miss him.

Sometimes I speak to him,

but he doesn't answer.

You must think I'm crazy.

With him, I feared nothing.

And yet this is probably

the last time

I come here.

Won't you let her in?

Are you gonna
keep her waiting long?

Just long enough to see
if her mascara is really waterproof.

Can you tell Madame

that her "great friend" has arrived?

With pleasure.

I was just on my way.

I've had plenty of time to come
since the first ring.

Are you planning
for her to just have a shower

or to get soaked till bronchitis?

Does Madame have a preference?

Don't be cruel.

Open the cage

and let the hyena in.

She's coming for my carcass.

I'm terribly sorry, madam.

Look at the state of me!

I can see that.

It was far better
when the gate stayed open.

The videophone still needs
some adjustments.

Mr. Blake, please go get my shawl
in my room.

I don't want our guest
to catch a cold.

Come in.

Formal notice of payment
before judicial proceedings

SELL YOUR PROPERTY WITH US

You're being too kind to your maid,
with her trivial romance.

Like a bad movie!

A little biscuit?

I'd like one.

Your butler is classier
than your cook.

Thanks.

She is not graceful at all.

Why are you staring at me?

Milady is quite contemptuous.

Yet, French women are said
to be generous and elegant.

My friend,
don't forget you're a servant.

I'm not your friend.

Manon and Odile
are remarkable women

whom, unlike you,

I hope to be friends with.

How dare you talk to me like that?

Won't you say something?

Oh no, when he's like that
I'd rather not speak.

He scares me...

I've had enough.

I've always helped here,

and in return, I get insulted!

My coat,
if it's not too much to ask.

What the hell is he waiting for?

He can't just remain silent for years!

I can't take it anymore.

Good evening.

It's Andrew.

Is there a problem?

- Just the usual.
- Still no word from Justin?

Nope.

I feel like the last time I saw him

really was the last time...

Last times...
You're too young to see life that way.

You are at an age for first times.

Like when you found out
you were going to be a mum.

I ran to the toilets to throw up.

I've been waiting for weeks,
Mr. Blake.

Write to him.

- What?
- Send him a letter or a text.

To tell him what?

What you're feeling.

Tell him what he means to you.

Tell him about the child
you're carrying. His child.

Without anger.
Don't reproach him anything.

I can help you, if you want...

I can't guarantee it will work,

but it's worth a try.

All right.

Is something wrong?

I'm worried about Madame.

Even before you arrived,
she didn't look well. She gets worse.

I worry about her health.

I thought she looked sad,
in the last few days.

What can I do?
She doesn't eat anymore.

Yes?

- A word, please?
- Later, Mr. Blake.

Allow me to insist.

I said later.

Odile and I are worried about you.

Why?

Because of your health.

Nobody feels well in autumn.

I don't think autumn's the cause.

Are your money problems that bad?

It's none of your business.

I'm not here to interfere
in your business.

Yet you do.

I feel it is my duty.

We can find solutions
to the financial issues

but you should really see a doctor.

Do accept some help.

I see. You're a financial expert
and a doctor?

Now leave.
I don't want to see you again today.

Madame, hear me out, please...

Madame.

Madame?

- How dare you insist?
- You leave me no choice.

I ordered you to leave.

My conscience wouldn't forgive me.

It's not your conscience
that pays your wages.

One more step and I'll fire you.

We'd both have a lot to lose,

you and I.

Go now.

Please. Leave me alone.

You won't impose anything on me, now.

Not one more word!

She still refuses to see you.

Sorry, your dispute happened
because of me.

It's not your fault.

I'm the one who insisted way too much.

On the contrary,
I owe a lot to you, and Madame.

Thank you.

She's having guests
and forbids you to go in.

- Who are they?
- She didn't say.

Two men, wearing suits.
Maybe bankers.

I won't interfere, I promise,

but please let me go up
to get some rest.

You're not going to tackle me

to the ground
in front of your cat, are you?

Thank you.

OFFER TO PURCHASE
THE BEAUVILLIER ESTATE

Forgive me.

What are you listening to?

I'm sorry, I...

What piece of music?

François and I loved it.

Diane and I were fond of it too.

I shouldn't have done that.
I'm terribly sorry.

Don't be.

When you lost your wife...

Did you move house?

I thought about it,
but then I stayed on.

I wanted everything
to remain as it had been.

So did I.

I held on for as long as I could...

But I have no choice left.

A woman whom I greatly admire
once told me

that we must never lose hope

even when it fails us.

Stop fidgeting!

OK, I'm almost done.

Well, come down.

You look so small from up here,
like a gremlin.

Want a gremlin's punch?

Meh!

Andrew! Talk to me!

Please!

- What are you saying?
- Tell my...

Andrew.

My... little Sarah

that I love her

and that I regret
I didn't know how to...

do more for her.

You'll tell her yourself,
live for that!

Andrew, stay with me.

Andrew, stay here.

Andrew!

Do you recognise me?

You're...

the warthog...

or should I say...

the gremlin?

You moron!

I thought you were dead.

Are you completely yourself again?

Not sure.

Ask me a question?

What's Mrs. Odile's favourite dish?

Pan-fried duck breast with girolles

but you wish she'd put you
on her menu instead.

All right.

You can stop here.
You're back.

How are you feeling?

Like a man
who came down to Earth with a bump.

Doctors say you'll be fine.

We all visited you, even Madame,

but you were out cold.

How long was I in a maze?

Almost two weeks.

And we say in a daze, not maze.

Thank you, Philippe.

What for?

For reminding me that I had to live.

Before,

I wasn't scared of dying.

Remember how you ran
when I shot at you!

People who are tired of life
don't run so fast.

I'm glad you're back.

The castle goes awry without you.

- Hello, Mr. Blake.
- What a heart-warming welcome!

Need my arm?

If I had my wig
and lipstick on, I might.

But in front of everyone...

Could we open the mail, Mr. Blake?

We're an hour late already.

You've won another million.

Throw this in the bin.

I thought I'd never see you again.

Sometimes we should be cautious
about what we think to be last times.

Christmas will be here soon.

I'd like it very much
if we could celebrate it all together.

What do you think?

You're asking for my opinion?

Don't push your luck.

Mephisto didn't like your cooking?

He's been missing for 3 days.

Don't worry,
Philippe and I will go looking for him.

We'll find him, I promise you.

Thanks, Andrew.

I have more bad news.

Mrs. Berliner came back.

She was wearing a ring
Madame sold her.

A beautiful emerald ring,
a gift from Mr François.

I recognised it,
I cleaned it many times.

Poor Madame. It's shocking!

That pathetic hyena did that?

She wasn't ashamed
to come with her loot.

How outrageous!

Philippe was furious too.

"Philippe"?

So what?
I call you Andrew, don't I?

Stop mocking me.

I'm sad enough as it is

with my missing cat and Madame.

Not to mention you.
We all thought you were dead.

I've missed you a lot too, Odile.

I know it was you
who brought Jerry to me.

Thank you for that.

Only you could have
such a kind thought.

I've been looking for you!

Some real estate agents are here,
Madame signed!

- To sell the estate?
- I think so.

Come with me.
Bring your hunting gun.

Just a moment, gentlemen.

I'm asking you

to give me the documents
Madame Beauvillier signed

or you won't get out of here.

- Is that a threat?
- It's a promise.

This deal is none of your concern.

Piss off!

Now give me the documents,
you anal orifice.

Andrew, we say "asshole".

"Anal orifice" is too technical.

Who cares?

It's not the Wild West, bumpkin!

Your stagecoach has holes in it, cowboy.

You really think I would mind
killing a guy like you?

- Think again.
- Andrew?

You're gonna kill him?

Well, I know where to bury the corpses.

- Let's talk...
- The contract.

Shit, I'm not gonna die
for a commission.

There it is.

You're fried in your heads!

But, what does
"fried in your head" mean?

Put your balaclava on.

Why is mine green?
I'm gonna look like a zombie, it sucks.

I wanted one like yours.

Much better.
I look like a commando!

It's itchy!

Damn English lice!

If she's naked,
I swear I'll throw up.

What are you doing?

You nicht yell!

Zis is hold-up!

Please don't eat me!

Eat you?

You're aliens.

You're going to suck my brain.

There's not much brain to eat...

We not eat anything.
We vant ze jewels!

The jewels?

Si señorita or big trouble fur you!

Vale, vamos, venga! Ze jewels!

Me no want el pistolero.

You liar! Ozer jewels!

Where are? Schnell! Where?

Pronto!

If you "hello?" polizia,

porca miseria,

we come back muy angry
und big blitzkrieg on your ears.

Comprende mucho?

Forget nosotros.

If talk ich come back
und kolossal apocalypse!

Danke schön!

What are you doing?

Commando trust me.

"Commando trust me"?
My ass!

She'll tell the world Martians
gave her money.

What's happening to you?

Why are you throwing up?
She wasn't naked.

I was scared,

really scared.

You're nuts!

Is it worse than fried in the head?

Philippe, I have something to tell you.

I never was a butler.

I thought as much.

You're a damn rotten spy
MI6 had to get rid of.

And who hit the jackpot?

Me! Of course!

I'm a major business leader
back in England.

So what? You could be a Martian
I would still be your buddy.

- Because we're buddies, right?
- No doubt about that.

- What is it?
- It's me, Andrew.

Sorry to disturb you,
but I have news about Mephisto.

I have a revelation for you.

Stop it with your revelations.

Is he OK?

"He" is fine.

"He" is...

a mum!

Odile, you do know

the difference between
boys and girls, don't you?

It wasn't a winter coat
that made your cat plump, after all...

They're so cute.

If I ever met Santa Claus,
I'd ask him for

a room for the baby

and to be able to stay
working here with you all.

As for me...

I'd ask to be 10 years younger
and braver.

I doubt he has that in his sack.

I would ask for one last meal
with my parents.

We'd talk a lot.
So much to tell them...

I'd also ask for a night like this
with my wife and children,

if I had any...

What are you all doing here?

Our lists to Santa.

Ambitious project!

Who knows what
he'll bring us this year?

For those of us
who behaved well, at least...

If you talk, I'll wax you.

We split it 50/50
if you don't snitch on me.

Manon? What were you doing
out in the cold?

I was in the garage.

It worked! Your idea worked!
Justin sent me a message!

What did he write?

That he's sorry, he got scared
and that he loves me!

You were right.

You are amazing.

Your daughter's very lucky
to have you.

It's not teatime yet.

That's not why I'm here.

Can you spare a moment?

With pleasure.

You're not here to resign, at least?

Merry Christmas.

Thank you very much.

You're a surprising man,
Mr. Blake.

Conventions, dates,
ironing the newspaper... not your thing.

So, today is an early Christmas.

What is it?

No, I can't.

It's not what you think.

Do you have any idea
what I'm thinking of?

By what miracle...?

Miracles can't be explained.

I'm sure an educated woman
such as yourself can understand.

Would you care to join me
for a stroll in your park?

What should I expect, Mr. Blake?

Do you believe in chance, Nathalie?

You're scaring me.

Many people have told me that lately...

Do you know why I'm here,
Madame Beauvillier?

For a trial period?

You're no longer calling me Nathalie?

I lied to you, Nathalie.

I met my wife Diane here,
in this estate.

One summer evening,

we carved our initials right here,

and I tried to make
a heart shape around them

with my pocketknife,

but I wasn't that good at it

and it ended up looking like...

a potato.

I suspected you weren't a butler.

Have you found here
what you hoped for?

I have found much more than that.

Are you going to leave?

I don't know yet.

I don't want to,

but it's not only up to me.

You, however,
are not going to leave.

What do you mean?

Here...

You can light a fire with that.

Your estate is no longer for sale.

Running a house is absolutely not
my area of expertise.

However, running a business
is kind of my real job.

Let me help you, please.

How did you...?

I only played cowboys.

Not surprising
given my mental age, is it?

I don't know exactly
who Madame has invited,

but there will be many of us.

Anyway,
that will give us the opportunity

to meet your Justin, at last!

Videophone!
Philippe, can you take care of it?

He's in the basement
and my hands are full. Could you?

All right, all right.

I'm still on my trial period,
after all...

Merry Christmas, old fellow!

Hello, Andrew.

So good to see you,
you secretive little rascals!

I'm warning you, Richard,
I won't be serving you today.

Damn, I'll miss you obeying me!

I don't know if you deserve your gift.

I don't want anything from you,
you have rotten taste.

And yet,
I bet you'll like this one...

Really?

How about if your little Sarah
comes to see you soon?

Look how moved he is!

My daughter will come soon!

We all know, Mr. Blake.

We too have
more than one trick up our sleeve.

At last, I can tell you
the whole truth about that man!

Don't believe a word he's going to say!

Tell me Andrew,
don't you want your gift now?

Sarah.

My daughter, Sarah.

- Welcome.
- How nice to meet you.

Subtitles: Chloé Legardinier

Subtitling TITRAFILM