Original subtitles

♪ ("OVERTURE" PLAYING)

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

Five, six, seven, eight...

♪ ("ALL THAT JAZZ" PLAYING)

(LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Anybody seen the Kelly sisters?

You, you're up in five.

-WOMAN: Keep the change, Charlie. -CHARLIE: Thank you.

STAGE MANAGER: Velma, where have you been?

-And where's Veronica? -VELMA: She's not herself tonight.

STAGE MANAGER: But they paid to see a sister act!

VELMA: Don't sweat it. I can do it alone.

Shit.

STAGE MANAGER: Come on, Velma. Move it, move it! Hurry up!

-VELMA: Yeah, yeah. -STAGE MANAGER: You're killing me, here!

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Onyx Club is proud to present

Chicago's hottest dancing duo,

two jazz babes moving as one,

the Kelly sisters.

(APPLAUSE)

♪ Come on, babe Why don't we paint the town ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ I'm gonna rouge my knees ♪

♪ And roll my stockings down ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ Start the car I know a whoopee spot ♪

♪ Where the gin is cold But the piano's hot ♪

♪ It's just a noisy hall Where there's a nightly brawl ♪

♪ And all ♪

♪ That ♪

♪ Jazz ♪

Skiddoo.

♪ And all that jazz ♪

Hotcha.

Whoopee.

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ Hah ♪

♪ Hah ♪

♪ Hah ♪

♪ Slick your hair And wear your buckle shoes ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ I hear that Father Dip Is gonna blow the blues ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ Hold on, hon We're gonna bunny hug ♪

♪ I bought some aspirin Down at United Drug ♪

♪ In case you shake apart And want a brand-new start ♪

♪ To do ♪

♪ That ♪

♪ Jazz ♪

MAN: Let's go, babe.

But I didn't even meet your friend.

-That-- That manager guy. -Don't worry, Roxie.

It's all taken care of.

-ROXIE: You told him about me? -MAN: Yeah, kid.

It's all arranged.

♪ Find a flask We're playing fast and loose ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ Right up here Is where I store the juice ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ Come on, babe We're gonna brush the sky ♪

♪ I betcha Lucky Lindy Never flew so high ♪

♪ 'Cause in the stratosphere, How could he lend an ear ♪

♪ To all ♪

♪ That ♪

♪ Jazz? ♪

♪ Oh, you're gonna see Your Sheba shimmy shake ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ Oh, she's gonna shimmy Till her garters break ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

(BOTH LAUGH)

♪ Show her Where to park her girdle ♪

♪ Oh, her mother's blood Will curdle ♪

♪ If she'd hear Her baby's queer ♪

♪ For all ♪

♪ That ♪

♪ Jazz ♪

Oh!

(BOTH LAUGH)

-Hello, Miss Borusewicz. -Mrs. Hart.

This is Fred.

He's my brother.

-(CHUCKLES) -(LAUGHS)

Velma: ♪ All ♪

♪ That ♪

♪ Jazz ♪

♪ Come on, babe Why don't we paint the town ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ And all that jazz ♪

VELMA: ♪ I'm gonna rouge my knees And roll my stockings down ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ And all that jazz ♪

VELMA: ♪ Start the car I know a whoopee spot ♪

♪ Where the gin is cold But the piano's hot ♪

♪ It's just a noisy hall ♪

♪ Where there's A nightly brawl ♪

-♪ And all ♪ -(FRED MOANING)

-♪ That ♪ -(FRED AND ROXIE MOANING)

BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ Jazz ♪

ROXIE: Say it again, Fred.

FRED: Uh, you're a star, kid.

FRED: My little shooting star.

♪ No, I'm no one's wife ♪

♪ But, oh, I love my life ♪

♪ And all ♪

♪ That ♪

♪ Jazz ♪

♪ That jazz ♪

(APPLAUSE)

(FRED AND ROXIE MOANING)

ROXIE: Oh, say it again, Fred.

-(ROXIE SIGHING) -FRED: Roxie...

ROXIE: Hey, hey...

Where's the fire, huh?

Amos ain't home till midnight.

Freddy?

(TRAIN RUMBLING)

Fred?

(FRED URINATING)

Hey, um, you know, I don't want you

to feel like I'm nagging at you or anything,

but don't you think it's about time that I met your friend down at the Onyx?

I mean, it's been a month since you told him about me.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

And I know...

'cause that was the night Velma Kelly plugged her husband and her sister.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

You know they say that she found them in the kip together?

Gosh, if I ever found Amos supping it to somebody else,

boy, I'd throw him a party,

a great big going-away party.

FRED: It's getting late.

I have been thinking a lot about my act though.

Whenever I get a really good idea,

I write it down in my diary before it goes out of my head.

And, you know, it occurred to me the other day

that all the really, really knockout acts

have, you know, something a little different going on, you know?

Like, um, a signature bit.

And, um, and I thought--

I thought that my thing could be

aloof, you know?

Give them just enough to get them good and hungry,

but always leave them wanting more.

Hey, and once I get a name for myself, well, maybe...

Maybe we could open up a club of our own, you know?

Um, you could run it, and I could be the headliner.

FRED: Get off of me.

-What's the idea? -Wake up, kiddo.

You ain't never gonna have an act.

Says who?

Face it, Roxie.

You're a two-bit talent with skinny legs,

and I'm just a furniture salesman.

Yeah, but you got connections, you know?

-That guy down at the club-- -There is no guy.

Yeah, but that night...

It was the first time I set foot in that joint.

I was collecting on a bet from the trombone player.

-So you never told anyone about me? -(SIGHS)

Sugar, you were hot stuff.

I would have said anything to get a piece of that.

And now? Now?

We had some laughs. Let's just leave it at that.

Fred... (CHUCKLES)

You can't do this to me.

-Would you get off? -(ROXIE GRUNTS)

(RECORD SCRATCHING)

Huh?

You touch me again, I'll put your lights out!

(GASPS)

-Wait. -Your husband will be home soon.

Why don't you wash yourself before you go hitting those sheets again?

-(SOBS) You're a liar, Fred. -Yeah, yeah, so what?

You lied to me.

-You lied to me, you son of a bitch! -Ah, that's life, sweetheart.

-That's life. -You son of a bitch!

You son of a--

-(GUNSHOTS) -(ROXIE GRUNTING)

You son of a bitch!

(PHONOGRAPH CRACKLING)

BACKUP SINGERS: Hotcha.

(DRUMS PLAYING)

BACKUP SINGERS: Whoopee.

POLICEMAN 1: Why you bothering, Sal? This one's all wrapped up.

I hear it's a new city record,

from killing to confession in an hour flat.

POLICEMAN 2: And where did you get the murder weapon?

MAN 1: I keep a gun in the underwear drawer,

just in case of trouble, you know.

Well, that's just fine. Sign right there, Mr. Hart.

Freely and gladly. Freely and gladly.

And mind you don't say we beat it out of you

when you get up on the witness stand.

No, I gave myself up, surrendered on my own free will.

ASSISTANT DA: Isn't he the cheerful murderer?

ROXIE: Shooting a burglar ain't murder.

Just last week a jury thanked a man.

I'm always grateful for citizens who know the law.

Get in there.

You too.

Sit down.

Okay, from the top.

Well, a man's got a right to protect his home and his loved ones, right?

Of course he has.

Well, I come home from the garage,

and I see him climbing through the window...

ASSISTANT DA: Uh-huh.

...with my wife, Roxie, laying there, sleeping like an angel.

That true, Mrs. Hart?

AMOS: I'm telling you, it's the God's honest truth.

My wife had nothing to do with it.

She wouldn't hurt a worm, not even a worm.

♪ ("FUNNY HONEY" PLAYING)

AMOS: It wasn't till I fired the first shot she even opened her eyes.

Boy, she's some heavy sleeper.

I always said she could sleep through the St. Paddy's Day Parade.

When I think of what would have happened

if I went out for a beer with the guys instead of coming straight home,

it makes you sick even thinking about it.

BANDLEADER: For her first number, Miss Roxie Hart

would like to sing a song of love and devotion,

dedicated to her dear husband, Amos.

♪ Sometimes I'm right ♪

♪ Sometimes I'm wrong ♪

♪ But he doesn't care ♪

♪ He'll string along ♪

♪ He loves me so ♪

♪ That funny honey of mine ♪

♪ Sometimes I'm down ♪

♪ Sometimes I'm up ♪

♪ But he follows round ♪

♪ Like some droopy-eyed pup ♪

♪ He loves me so ♪

♪ That funny honey of mine ♪

Like I said, even after I shot him, he kept coming at me,

so I had to pull the trigger again.

♪ He ain't no sheik ♪

♪ That's no great physique ♪

♪ And Lord knows He ain't got the smarts ♪

♪ But look at that soul ♪

♪ I tell you that whole ♪

♪ Is a whole lot greater ♪

♪ Than the sum of his parts ♪

♪ And if you knew him like me ♪

♪ I know you'd agree ♪

♪ What if the world Slandered my name ♪

♪ Why, he'd be right there ♪

♪ Taking the blame ♪

♪ He loves me so ♪

♪ And it all suits me fine ♪

♪ That funny sunny honey ♪

♪ Hubby of mine ♪

I mean suppose, just suppose

that he had violated her or something?

You know what I mean? Violated?

-ASSISTANT DA: I know what you mean. -Or something.

Think how terrible that would have been.

It's a good thing I got home from work on time.

-♪ He loves me so ♪ -AMOS: I'm telling you that.

I say, I'm telling you that.

♪ That funny honey of mine ♪

-Name of deceased, Fred Casely. -Fred Casely?

How could he be a burglar? My wife knows him. He sold us our furniture.

He gave us ten percent off.

♪ Lord knows He ain't got the smarts ♪

You told me he was a burglar.

ASSISTANT DA: You mean he was dead when you got home?

She had him covered in a sheet, and she's telling me

some cock-and-bull story about this burglar

and how I ought to say I did it 'cause I was sure to get off.

"Help me, Amos," she says, "It's my goddamn hour of need."

ROXIE: ♪ Now he shot off his trap ♪

♪ I can't stand that sap ♪

-♪ Look at him go ♪ -And I believed her.

-That cheap little tramp. -♪ Ratting on me ♪

-So she was two-timing me, huh? -♪ With just one more brain ♪

♪ What a half-wit he'd be ♪

Boy, I'm down at the garage working my butt off 14 hours a day,

and she's up here munching on bonbons

and tramping around like goddamn floozy!

Thought she could pull the wool over my eyes.

♪ That scummy, crummy, dummy ♪

♪ Hubby of mine ♪

Boy, what a sap I was!

You double-crosser,

you big blabbermouth, you promised you'd stick.

What are you talking about? You've been stringing me, Roxanne!

-Shh. Goddamn it. -You told me he was a burglar!

-Goddamn it! -The whole time, you've been up here, jazzing him.

-You are a disloyal husband! -(SCOFFS)

(SIGHS)

Look, it's true. I shot him.

But it was self-defense. He was trying to burgle me.

From what I hear, he's been burgling you

three times a week for the last month.

So, what do you say, missus?

-That's him, all right. -ASSISTANT DA: Thank you.

Your story doesn't wash, Mrs. Hart,

so try this on for size.

Fred Casely was a good time on the side with goofy here as a meal ticket.

Meal ticket? He couldn't buy my liquor.

And Fred Casely could?

With a wife and five little Caselys?

Or did he forget to mention them?

-(GASPS) Wha...? What? -ASSISTANT DA: All his.

(ROXIE GASPING) That bastard.

That bastard!

Yeah, I killed him, and I would kill him again!

Once was enough, dearie. Take her downtown. Come on!

REPORTER 1: There, 260. Pull over now.

Here they come. This way, honey. Oh, come on, it's a shame

-to hide such a beautiful face. -REPORTER 2: Why'd you shoot him, huh?

REPORTER 1: Why don't you give us a profile with a little smile

like the girl from the toothpaste ad?

Enjoy it while you can. Take this down.

Assistant District Attorney Harrison says

-this is a hanging case. -Hanging?

-ASSISTANT DA: I'm ready to go to the jury tomorrow. -What do you mean, hanging?

Not so tough anymore, are you?

Take her down to the Cook County Jail.

Come on, sweetie, a headline. Why'd you shoot him? Was he cruel to you?

Did he beat you? Was he fooling around?

-Hey, what do you mean, hanging? -Why'd you shoot him, honey?

(REPORTERS SHOUTING)

Morphine, opium, cocaine?

PRISON OFFICER 1: Arm length, 31 inches.

-PRISON OFFICER 2: Arm length, 31 inches. -(DOOR OPENS)

-PRISON OFFICER 1: Height...

The matron's on her way, so don't get too cozy.

Put out that cigarette!

WOMAN: Ever had Morton before?

(DOOR SHUTS)

She's fine

as long as you keep her happy.

(DRUMROLL)

BANDLEADER: And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the keeper of the keys,

the countess of the clink,

the mistress of murderess row,

Matron Mama Morton!

♪ ("WHEN YOU'RE GOOD TO MAMA" PLAYING )

(APPLAUSE)

♪ Ask any of the chickies In my pen ♪

♪ They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother hen ♪

♪ I love them all And all of them love me ♪

♪ Because the system works The system called ♪

♪ Reciprocity ♪

PRISON OFFICER: On your feet.

(CHAIRS RUSTLING)

Welcome, ladies.

♪ Got a little motto ♪

♪ Always sees me through ♪

♪ When you're good to Mama ♪

♪ Mama's good to you ♪

You might think I'm here to make your life a living hell,

but it's just not true.

♪ There's a lot of favors ♪

♪ I'm prepared to do ♪

♪ You do one for Mama ♪

♪ She'll do one for you ♪

I'd like to be your friend if you let me.

So if there's something that upsets you

or makes you unhappy in any way,

don't shoot your fat ass mouth off to me 'cause I don't give a shit. Now move it out.

♪ They say that life Is tit for tat ♪

♪ And that's the way I live ♪

♪ So I deserve a lot of tat ♪

♪ For what I've got to give ♪

♪ Don't you know That this hand ♪

♪ Washes that one too ♪

♪ When you're good to Mama ♪

♪ Mama's good to you ♪

(APPLAUSE)

-Let's go. -You must be Hart.

-Ain't you the pretty one. -Thank you, ma'am.

Oh, no, call me Mama.

I'm here to take care of you.

Now you'll be habitating down in the East Block,

Murderess Row, we call it.

Oh. Is that nicer?

(CHEERING, HOOTING)

You know, I don't think I really belong in here.

-I didn't actually do anything wrong. -No need to tell me, honey.

I ain't never heard of a man getting killed

when he didn't get just what was coming to him.

Hey, Mama! Come here, come here.

Velma Kelly?

You're the Velma Kelly.

Uh... You know, I was there that night.

I was there the night that you got arrested.

Yeah, you and half of Chicago.

-Look at this, Mama. -Oh.

An editorial denouncing me in Redbook magazine.

"Not in memory do we recall

-so fiendish and horrible a double homicide." -Mama: Mm...

-Baby, you couldn't buy that kind of publicity. -Couldn't buy it?

I guess I can keep this then.

(CHUCKLES) Nice try.

♪ If you want my gravy ♪

♪ Pepper my ragout ♪

♪ Spice it up for Mama ♪

♪ She'll get hot for you ♪

♪ When they pass that basket ♪

♪ Folks contribute to ♪

♪ You put in for Mama ♪

♪ She'll put out for you ♪

(APPLAUDS)

♪ The folks atop the ladder ♪

♪ Are the ones The world adores ♪

♪ So boost me up My ladder, kid ♪

♪ And I'll boost you up yours ♪

♪ Let's all stroke together ♪

♪ Like the Princeton Crew ♪

♪ When you're stroking Mama ♪

♪ Mama's stroking you ♪

♪ So what's the one conclusion ♪

♪ I can bring this number to ♪

♪ When you're good to Mama ♪

♪ Mama's good ♪

♪ To you ♪

Ah, yes!

(APPLAUSE)

Mama, um, it's kind of,

uh, freezing in here. (CHUCKLES)

You don't think maybe there's something wrong with the heat?

Not that I'm complaining, mind you, but--

But, you know, if, um...

If you got a couple extra blankets tucked away--

MAMA: Lights out, ladies.

(MECHANISM RUMBLING)

(GASPS)

Oh...

(SIGHS) Okay.

(SNIFFLES)

(SNIFFLES)

(SOBS) Okay.

(WATER DRIPS)

(WATER DRIPS)

(WATER DRIPPING)

(WATER DRIPPING)

-(FOOT STOMPS) -(WATER DRIPPING)

-(FOOT STOMPS) -(WATER DRIPPING)

-(FOOT STOMPS) -(WATER DRIPPING)

-(FOOT STOMPS) -(WATER DRIPPING) -(FINGERS TAPPING)

-(FOOT STOMPS) -(WATER DRIPPING) -(FINGERS TAPPING)

-(FOOT STOMPS) -(WATER DRIPPING) -(FINGERS TAPPING)

Pop.

Six.

Squish.

Uh-uh.

Cicero.

Lipschitz.

♪ ("CELL BLOCK TANGO" PLAYING)

-And now... -LIZ: Pop.

-...the six merry murderesses... -ANNIE: Six.

-...of the Cook County Jail... -JUNE: Squish.

-...in their rendition of... -HUNYAK: Uh-uh.

-...the "Cell Block Tango". -VELMA: Cicero.

MONA: Lipschitz.

LIZ: Pop.

ANNIE: Six.

JUNE: Squish.

HUNYAK: Uh-uh.

VELMA: Cicero.

MONA: Lipschitz.

-♪ Pop ♪ -♪ Six ♪

-♪ Squish ♪ -♪ Uh-uh ♪

♪ Cicero ♪

♪ Lipschitz ♪

♪ Pop, six, squish Uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz ♪

♪ Pop, six, squish Uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz ♪

♪ He had it coming He had it coming ♪

♪ He only had himself to blame ♪

♪ If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it ♪

♪ I betcha you would Have done the same ♪

♪ Pop, six, squish Uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz ♪

♪ Pop, six, squish Uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz ♪

You know how people have these little habits that get you down?

Like Bernie.

Bernie he liked to chew gum.

No, not chew.

Pop.

So I came home this one day, and I'm really irritated,

and I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy.

And there's Bernie, lying on the couch,

drinking a beer and chewing.

No, not chewing.

Popping!

So I said to him, I said, "You pop that gum

one more time..."

(SIGHS) And he did.

So I took the shotgun off the wall,

and I fired two warning shots...

into his head.

♪ He had it coming He had it coming ♪

♪ He only had himself to blame ♪

♪ If you'd have been there If you'd have heard it ♪

♪ I betcha you would Have done the same ♪

-♪ He had it coming ♪ -I met Ezekiel Young

from Salt Lake City about two years ago,

and he told me he was single, and we hit it off right away.

So we started living together.

He'd go to work. He'd come home.

I'd fix him a drink. We'd have dinner.

And then I found out.

Single, he told me? Single, my ass.

Not only was he married, oh, no,

he had six wives.

One of those Mormons, you know.

So that night when he came home from work,

I fixed him his drink, as usual.

You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic.

-♪ He had it coming ♪ -♪ Pop, six, squish ♪

-♪ He had it coming ♪ -♪ Uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz ♪

♪ He took a flower In its prime ♪

-♪ And then he used it ♪ -♪ Pop ♪

-♪ And he abused it ♪ -♪ Six ♪

♪ It was a murder But not a crime ♪

♪ Cicero, Lipschitz ♪

Now I'm standing in the kitchen,

carving up the chicken for dinner,

minding my own business.

In storms my husband Wilbur in a jealous rage.

"You've been screwing the milkman," he says.

He was crazy.

And he kept on screaming, "You been screwing the milkman!"

And then he ran into my knife.

He ran into my knife ten times.

♪ If you'd have been there If you'd have seen it ♪

♪ I betcha you would Have done the same ♪

(HUNYAK SPEAKING IN HUNGARIAN)

ROXIE: Yeah, but did you do it?

Uh-uh, not guilty.

♪ He had it coming ♪

My sister, Veronica, and I had this double act,

and my husband, Charlie, traveled around with us.

Now for the last number in our act,

we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row.

One, two, three, four, five.

Splits, spread eagles, backflips, flip-flops,

one right after the other.

So this one night before the show,

we're down at the Hotel Cicero.

The three of us boozing and having a few laughs,

and we run out of ice, so I go out to get some.

I come back, open the door

and there's Veronica and Charlie doing Number 17...

The Spread Eagle.

Well, I was in such a state of shock,

I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing.

It wasn't until later,

when I was washing the blood off my hands,

I even knew they were dead.

♪ They had it coming ♪

♪ They had it coming ♪

♪ They had it coming all along ♪

-♪ I didn't do it ♪ -♪ She didn't do it ♪

-♪ But if I'd done it ♪ -♪ But if she'd done it ♪

♪ How could you tell me That I was wrong ♪

♪ They had it coming ♪

♪ They had it coming ♪

♪ They had it coming all along ♪

♪ They took a flower In its prime ♪

-♪ I didn't do it ♪ -♪ And then they used it ♪

-♪ But if I'd done it ♪ -♪ And they abused it ♪

♪ How could you tell me That I was wrong ♪

I loved Al Lipschitz more than I could possibly say.

He was a real artistic guy,

sensitive, a painter.

-(WHISTLE BLOWING) -But he was always trying to find himself.

He'd go out every night, looking for himself.

-And, on the way... -(WHISTLE BLOWING)

...he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary...

and Irving.

I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences.

He saw himself as alive, and I saw him dead.

(GASPS)

♪ The dirty bum, bum Bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ The dirty bum Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ They had it coming ♪

♪ They had it coming ♪

♪ They had it coming all along ♪

♪ And if they used us Then they abused us ♪

♪ Could you tell us That we were wrong ♪

♪ He had it coming He had it coming ♪

♪ He only had himself to blame ♪

♪ If you'd have been there ♪ If you'd have seen it ♪

♪ I betcha you would Have done the same ♪

-You pop that gum one more time... -Single, my ass.

-Ten times! -(HUNYAK SPEAKING IN HUNGARIAN)

-Number 17, the spread eagle. -Artistic differences.

LIZ: Pop.

ANNIE: Six.

JUNE: Squish.

HUNYAK: Uh-uh.

VELMA: Cicero.

MONA: Lipschitz.

(AIR HISSES)

(AIR HISSES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

-Who belongs to them? -What's it to you?

Nothing. Heard they were Velma's.

Yeah, the Hunyak does all her laundry for a buck a week.

Fresh towels for the can.

-Make it quick. -Mm-hm.

(KEYS JINGLE)

MAMA: I'm gonna take care of you now.

I know a couple of things. Now, hear me out on this.

Now Billy Flynn's set your trial date for March 5th.

March 7th, you'll be acquitted.

And March 8th, you know what Mama's gonna do for you?

Mama is gonna put you back on the Vaudeville circuit.

-So now you're an agent too? -Well, dearie, until Ma Bell installs

a private line in your cell, all the calls have gotta go through me.

VELMA: What kind of dough are we talking about?

You know, it's a crazy world.

I mean, Babe Ruth is wearing rouge

and playing the palace for $5,000 a week.

VELMA: Yeah, and what about someone with real talent?

MAMA: Well, I've been talking to the boys over at William Morris.

And due to your recent sensational activities,

they seem to think they can get you 2,500.

VELMA: Twenty-five hundred?

Jeez, the most me and Veronica made was 350.

MAMA: Yeah, well, that's what happens when you have the right representation.

VELMA: You know what, Mama?

I always wanted to play Big Jim Colosimo's.

Do you think you can get me that?

-Big Jim's? -Yeah.

Jeez, I don't know.

That's gonna take another phone call.

How much is that gonna cost?

Oh, come on, Vel, you know how I feel about you.

-You're like family to me. You're like one of my own. -Yeah.

I'll do it for 50 bucks.

-VELMA: Fifty bucks for a phone call? -(MATCH STRIKES)

You must get a lot of wrong numbers, Mama.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, Miss Kelly...

Got your personals, freshly pressed by yours truly.

No, no, it's my pleasure.

Hey, listen, um... Can I ask you something?

You know that Harrison guy?

Well, he said that what I done is a hanging case,

and that he's prepared to ask for the maximum penalty.

-Yeah, so? -So, I'm scared. (CHUCKLES)

And I sure would appreciate some advice,

I mean, especially from someone I admire as much as you.

See, since I can remember, I have wanted to be on the stage.

Really? What's your talent? Washing and drying?

No, no, no, I danced in the chorus.

-Oh. -Well, that was before I met my husband Amos.

Look, honey, you want some advice?

Here it is, direct from me to you.

Keep your paws off my underwear, okay?

Yeah, okay.

Thanks...

for nothing.

She's something, ain't she?

I tell you, no matter how big she gets, she's still as common as ever.

I'd like to help you, dearie.

Take a load off.

(DOOR CLOSES)

So, what do you figure on using for grounds?

-Grounds? -What are you gonna tell the jury?

I just figured I'd tell them the truth.

-The truth? -Yeah.

That's a one-way ticket to the death house.

Holy mother of God.

Oh, relax.

I mean, in this town, murder's a form of entertainment.

Besides, in 47 years, Cook County ain't never hung a woman yet,

so the odds are, 47 to one, that they won't hang you.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

You're talking to the wrong people.

What you need is Billy Flynn.

-Who? -Billy Flynn.

He's only the best criminal lawyer in all of Illinois.

I'm telling you. What he don't know about juries and women...

How do you get this Billy Flynn?

Well, not by praying, dearie.

First you give me 100 dollars.

-And then I make a phone call. -A hundred dollars? Well, you just--

I mean it seems pretty steep for a phone call.

Oh, but he's worth every cent.

♪ ("ALL I CARE ABOUT IS LOVE" PLAYING)

I mean, he's never lost a case for a female client yet.

And with a sweet little puss like yours, well...

Let's just say justice ain't so blind in Chicago.

-He's never lost a case? -Never.

-Every girl in this place would kill to have -♪ Give ♪

-Billy Flynn represent her. -♪ Us Billy ♪

♪ We want Billy ♪

♪ B-I-Double-L-Y ♪

♪ We're all his ♪

♪ He's our kind of a guy ♪

♪ And, ooh, what luck ♪

♪ 'Cause here he is ♪

BANDLEADER: Ladies and gentlemen,

presenting the silver-tongued the prince of the courtroom,

the one, the only

Billy Flynn.

♪ I don't care About expensive things ♪

♪ Cashmere coats Diamond rings ♪

♪ Don't mean a thing ♪

♪ All I care about is love ♪

-♪ That's what I'm here for ♪ -♪ That's what he's here for ♪

BILLY: ♪ I don't care For wearing silk cravats ♪

♪ Ruby studs, satin spats ♪

♪ Don't mean a thing ♪

♪ All I care about is love ♪

BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ All he cares about is love ♪

♪ Give me two eyes of blue ♪

♪ Softly saying ♪

BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ I need you ♪

♪ Let me see her Standing there ♪

♪ And honest, mister, I'm a millionaire ♪

♪ I don't care For any fine attire ♪

♪ Vanderbilt might admire ♪

♪ No, no, not me ♪

♪ All I care about is love ♪

BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ All he cares about is love ♪

(BILLY WHISTLING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

-Good morning, ladies. -(HUNYAK SPEAKING IN HUNGARIAN)

-Not guilty! -You tell them, sweetheart.

(SPEAKING IN HUNGARIAN)

(DOOR CLOSES)

BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ That's what he's here for ♪

(REPORTERS CHATTERING)

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Miss Kelly, do you remember anything at all about that night?

I passed out completely, Miss Sunshine. I can't remember a thing.

-Only that I didn't do it. -Any idea who did, dear?

No, no, but my client is offering a substantial reward

to anyone with information about this crime.

How much is the reward, Miss Kelly?

-I don't know. How much? -We'll work it out after the trial.

Now, if there are no more questions, Miss Kelly and I have a lot of work to do.

(REPORTERS CHATTERING)

-What's all this about a reward? -Awfully dumb, reporters.

They'll write it up wrong, you deny the whole thing later on. Thank you.

(REPORTERS CHATTERING)

BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ All he cares about is love ♪

-Mr. Flynn, I'm Roxie Hart. -Who?

-Mama talked to you about me. -Oh, yeah, right, right. The cute one.

Uh, well, I was hoping that you might represent me.

-You got $5,000? -(CHUCKLES)

-Gee, that's a lot of money. -Hmm...

Mama didn't say anything about $5,000.

-Well... -Lookit, um, Mr. Flynn.

I'm not very good at this sort of thing,

but, um, maybe we could, uh,

make some sort of arrangement between us?

You know, I can be an awfully good sport.

Good, you got that out of your system.

Now, listen. You mean just one thing to me.

You call me when you got $5,000.

BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ All he cares about is love ♪

♪ Show me long raven hair ♪

♪ Flowing down about to there ♪

♪ When I see her running free ♪

♪ Keep your money That's enough for me ♪

♪ I don't care For driving Packard cars ♪

♪ Or smoking long Buck Cigars ♪

♪ No, no, not me ♪

-♪ Whoo! ♪ -♪ All I care about ♪

♪ Is doing the guy in ♪

♪ Who's picking on you ♪

♪ Twisting the wrist That's turning the screw ♪

-♪ All I care about ♪ -♪ All he cares about ♪

-♪ Is ♪ -♪ Is ♪

-♪ Love ♪ -♪ Love ♪

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Oh. Oh, he'll see you now.

Well, hello, Andy.

-Amos. My name is Amos. -(DOOR CLOSING)

That's right. Take a seat.

You know, you're a remarkable man.

-Huh? -Your wife two-times you,

plugs the guy, then tries to pin it on you.

Most men would let a dame like that swing.

But, no, you're sticking by her. Makes you a hero in my eyes.

That's right. I'm a hero.

-Did you bring the money? -(SIGHS)

I didn't do as well as I hoped, but...

I will, Mr. Flynn, I will.

But this is only a thousand.

Plus, there's $300 I borrowed from the guys down at the garage.

And then there's seven hun--

Seven hundred from the building and loan fund.

Two thousand.

And that's all I got so far.

-But I'll give you $20 off my salary every week. -(SIGHS)

I'll give you notes with interest.

Double, triple, till every cent is paid,

-I promise. -When you came to me yesterday,

I didn't ask if she was guilty. I didn't ask if she was innocent.

I didn't ask if she was a drunk or a dope fiend, no.

All I said was, "Do you have $5,000?" You said, "Yes."

But you don't have $5,000. So I figure you're a dirty liar,

and I don't waste my time with dirty liars.

(CHAIR SQUEAKING)

(HORN HONKING)

Look...

I'm real sorry, Mr. Flynn.

On the other hand,

your devotion to your wife is really very, very touching.

I took your wife's case, and I'll keep it,

because I play square.

(DRAWER SLAMS)

Now, look, Hart.

I don't like to blow my own horn,

but, believe me, if Jesus Christ had lived in Chicago today

and if he had $5,000 and he'd come to me,

things would have turned out differently.

All right, this is what we're gonna do.

By the end of the week, I'm gonna have Roxie's name

on the front page of every newspaper in town.

"Sweetest little jazz killer ever to hit Chicago"...

(FINGER SNAPS) That's the angle I'm after.

We make an announcement. We're gonna have an auction.

Tell them we got to raise some money for her defense.

They'll buy everything she's ever touched, everything.

BILLY: Your shoes, your dresses, your perfume, your underwear.

ROXIE: And Victrola Records,

like the one I was playing when I shot the bastard.

-I didn't hear that. -Not that I didn't have grounds, mind you.

-Hey, what are they? -That's for when we go to trial.

Look, nobody, nobody's gonna care a lick

what your defense is unless they care about you.

So the first thing we gotta do is work up some sympathy from the press.

They're not all pushovers like Mary Sunshine.

But there's one thing that they can never resist,

and that is a reformed sinner.

All right, so tell me, what was your favorite subject in school?

Oh... (SCOFFS) I was a real dummy.

Come on, there must have been something you were really good at.

Oh, I got high marks on courtesy and, uh, hygiene.

Perfect, you wanted to be a nun.

(LAUGHS) A nun?

-Where were you born? -On a chicken farm outside of Lubbock.

A beautiful southern home filled with every luxury and refinement.

Where are your parents now?

Probably on the front porch in their rocking chairs.

Parents dead. Family fortune swept away.

You were educated at the Sacred Heart.

(LAUGHS)

Then you fell into a runaway marriage,

left you miserable, alone, unhappy.

And of course, you got all swept up in the mad whirl of the city.

Jazz, cabarets, liquor.

-You were drawn like a moth to the flame. -A moth.

And now the mad whirl has ceased.

And you are a butterfly crushed on the wheel.

So which is it? Is it the moth or the butterfly?

You have sinned, and you are sorry.

God, that's beautiful.

Cut out God. Stay where you're better acquainted.

Kid, when I'm through with you,

not only will you be acquitted,

every man on that jury will wanna take you home to meet his mother.

(SPEAKS WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT) I was born on a beautiful southern convent.

MAMA: What?

(SPEAKS IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, holy shit.

Oh, I'm never gonna get this straight.

Ah, pipe down on the swearing.

Look, from here on in, you say nothing rougher than "oh, dear". Now, try again.

-I was born on a... -Come on, come on.

VELMA: So I came up with some more things to do on the witness stand.

I thought I'd get all teary-eyed,

and ask to borrow your handkerchief.

Then I thought I'd take a peek at the jury like this.

Flash them a bit of thigh, huh?

-What do you think? -Sounds great.

-VELMA: Hey, don't you wanna hear the rest? -BILLY: Tomorrow, kiddo.

You're at the top of my list.

Well, well, well, well.

Sorry to be late, Mr. Flynn.

-Uh-huh. -Hope you weren't too bored.

BILLY: I like it.

I like it.

Hey, Pollyanna.

I heard your press conference is tomorrow.

Yeah, what's it to you?

Well, you wanted my advice, right?

Well, here it is.

Don't forget Billy Flynn's number one client

is Billy Flynn.

Meaning what?

Meaning,

don't let him hog the spotlight.

You're the one they pay to see.

BILLY: Now, remember, we can only sell them one idea at a time.

ROXIE: Yeah, I can still see him coming at me

-with that awful look in his eyes. -BILLY: And...?

And we both reached for the gun.

That's right. You both reached for the gun.

-Ready? -Yeah.

-(REPORTERS CHATTERING) -Miss Hart! Miss Hart!

(REPORTERS SHOUTING)

Good day, gentlemen. Gentlemen, Miss Sunshine.

My client has just entered a plea of not guilty,

and we look forward to a trial at the earliest possible date. Now are there any questions?

(REPORTERS SHOUTING)

Miss Sunshine.

As you know, my paper is dry. Do you have any advice for young girls

-seeking to avoid a life of jazz and drink? -BILLY: Absolutely, yes.

Mrs. Hart feels that it was the tragic combination

of liquor and jazz which led to her downfall. Next question, please.

(SPEAKS WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT) Ladies and gentlemen.

I would just like to say how flattered I am that y'all came to see me.

Yeah, Mrs. Hart is very pleased--

You see, I was a moth crushed on the wheel.

You know, a butterfly drawn to the--

(ROXIE SIGHS)

I bet you wanna know why I shot the bastard.

-(REPORTERS LAUGHING) -Shut up, dummy.

♪ ("WE BOTH REACHED FOR THE GUN" PLAYING)

BANDLEADER: Mr. Billy Flynn in The Press Conference Rag.

Notice how his mouth never moves.

Almost.

Where'd you come from?

♪ Mississippi ♪

And your parents?

♪ Very wealthy ♪

Where are they now?

♪ Six feet under ♪

But she was granted one more start.

♪ The Convent Of the Sacred Heart ♪

(REPORTERS SHOUTING)

(MECHANICAL PARTS RATTLING)

♪ When'd you get here ♪

♪ 1920 ♪

♪ How old were you ♪

♪ Don't remember ♪

♪ Then what happened ♪

♪ I met Amos ♪

♪ And he stole my heart away ♪

♪ Convinced me To elope one day ♪

Oh, you poor dear. I can't believe what you've been through.

A convent girl, a runaway marriage...

Now, tell us, Roxie...

-♪ Who's Fred Casely ♪ -♪ My ex-boyfriend ♪

-♪ Why'd you shoot him ♪ -♪ I was leaving ♪

-♪ Was he angry ♪ -♪ Like a madman ♪

♪ Still I said, "Fred, move along" ♪

♪ She knew That she was doing wrong ♪

-♪ Then describe it ♪ -♪ He came toward me ♪

-♪ With the pistol ♪ -♪ From my bureau ♪

-♪ Did you fight him ♪ -♪ Like a tiger ♪

♪ He had strength, And she had none ♪

♪ And yet we both Reached for the gun ♪

♪ Oh, yes, oh, yes, Oh, yes, we both ♪

♪ Oh, yes, we both Reached for the gun, the gun ♪

♪ Oh, yes, we both reached For the gun, for the gun ♪

♪ Oh, yes, oh, yes, Oh, yes, they both ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they both Reached for the gun, the gun ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they both reached For the gun, for the gun ♪

♪ Understandable ♪

♪ Understandable ♪

♪ Yes, it's perfectly Understandable ♪

♪ Comprehensible ♪

♪ Comprehensible ♪

♪ Not a bit reprehensible ♪

♪ It's so defensible ♪

-♪ How you feeling ♪ -♪ Very frightened ♪

♪ Are you sorry ♪

-Are you kidding? -♪ What's your statement ♪

♪ All I'd say is Though my choo-choo Jumped the track ♪

♪ I'd give my life To bring him back ♪

-♪ And what ♪ -♪ Stay away from Jazz and liquor ♪

-♪ And what ♪ -♪ And the men Who play for fun ♪

-♪ And what ♪ -♪ That's the thought that ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Came upon me ♪

-♪ When ♪ -♪ When we both

♪ Reached for the gun ♪

♪ Understandable ♪

♪ Understandable ♪

♪ Yes, it's perfectly Understandable ♪

-♪ Comprehensible ♪ -♪ Comprehensible ♪

-♪ Comprehensible ♪ -♪ Comprehensible ♪

-♪ Not a bit reprehensible ♪ -♪ Not a bit reprehensible ♪

-♪ It's so defensible ♪ -♪ It's so defensible ♪

(BELL RINGING)

BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ Oh, yes, oh, yes, Oh, yes, they both ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they both ♪

♪ Oh, yes, They both reached for ♪

-Let me hear it. -♪ The gun, the gun ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they both reached For the gun, for the gun ♪

-A little louder. -♪ Oh, yes, oh, yes ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they both Oh, yes, they both Reached for ♪

-♪ Oh, yeah ♪ -♪ The gun, the gun The gun, the gun ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they both Reached for the gun ♪

-♪ Now you got it ♪ -♪ Oh, yes, oh, yes ♪

♪ They both, oh, yes They both reached for ♪

♪ The gun, the gun The gun, the gun ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they both reached For the gun, for the gun ♪

♪ Oh, yes, oh, yes Oh, yes, they both ♪

♪ Oh, yes, they both Reached for the gun, the gun ♪

♪ The gun, the gun The gun, the gun ♪

♪ Both reached for the ♪

BILLY: ♪ Gun ♪

♪ Both reached for the gun ♪

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

NEWSREEL ANNOUNCER: Move over, Al Capone.

The Windy City has taken a new criminal to its heart.

The name on everybody's lips is Roxie Hart,

the sweetest little lady ever accused of murder in Chicago.

Women wanna look like her.

Fellas want to go out with her.

Some little girls even wanna take her home.

Don't get any ideas, little lady.

On the other side of town, the Assistant DA promises

the game little sharpshooter will swing

-before the year is up. -...that she'll swing before the year is up.

Who knows? If he lives up to his word,

Assistant DA Harrison might become

Governor Harrison someday.

Back at the scene of the crime,

everybody wants a little piece of Roxie Hart.

This jar of cold cream set her husband back $20.

Maybe this pretty little lady

will get some of that famous Roxie style.

It seems everybody these days

is rooting for Roxie Hart.

MAMA: Take those wilting flowers over to the orphanage

and make sure they know who sent them.

So, kiddo,

given any thought to what you wanna do after Billy gets you off?

Yeah, I think I'd like to go on the stage.

MAMA: I figured as much.

I already called the Morris office.

Really?

How much is that gonna cost me?

My standard deal. Ten percent of all your takings.

ROXIE: Yeah, well, we'll see, Mama.

Besides, I don't even have an act yet.

Well, killing Fred Casely was your act.

I mean, that's all those stiffs in the audience want, to say they saw somebody famous.

That's a freak act.

And besides,

-I am better than that. -MAMA: Well, of course you are, cupcake.

-I mean, you can be as big as Sophie Tucker. -You really think so?

Bigger than Cantor and Jolson combined.

You know, I always wanted to have my name in all the papers.

You know, before I met Amos,

I used to date this well-to-do ugly bootlegger.

♪ ("ROXIE" PLAYING)

He used to like to take me out and show me off.

Ugly guys like to do that.

(LAUGHS)

ROXIE: Once it said in the paper,

"Gangland's Al Capelli seen at Chez Vito

with cute blonde Chorine."

That was me.

I clipped it, and I saved it.

You know, all my life,

I wanted to have my own act.

But, no. No, no, no, no.

It was always no. They always turned me down.

One big world full of no.

And then Amos came along.

(AUDIENCE GUSHING)

Safe, sweet Amos...

who never says no.

Oh, lookit... (CHUCKLES)

I've never done this before.

But, you know, it is such a special night.

-And you are such a great audience! -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

And-- And I just--

I really feel like I can--

I can talk to you, you know?

So forget what you've read in the papers,

and forget what you've heard on the radio, because...

Because...

Well, because I'm gonna tell you the truth.

Not that the truth really matters. (LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

But I'm gonna tell you anyway.

In the bed department,

Amos was...

-zero. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I mean, when he made love to me, it was like...

it was like he was fixing a carburetor or something.

(MIMICS AMOS) "I love you, honey. I love you."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Anyway...

I started fooling around.

Then I started screwing around

which is fooling around without dinner.

-(DRUM ROLLING, CYMBAL CRASHING) -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

ROXIE: Then I met Fred Casely

who said that he could get me into Vaudeville.

But that didn't quite work out like I planned.

I guess it didn't really work out too great for Fred either.

(DRUM ROLLING, CYMBAL CRASHING)

ROXIE: So I gave up on the whole Vaudeville idea,

because you kind of figure after all those years...

opportunities just passed you by.

♪ But it ain't ♪

♪ Oh, no, no, no, no But it ain't ♪

And now...

Well, if this Flynn guy gets me off,

with all this publicity,

I got me a world full of yes!

♪ The name On everybody's lips ♪

♪ Is gonna be Roxie ♪

♪ The lady raking In the chips ♪

♪ Is gonna be Roxie ♪

♪ I'm gonna be a celebrity ♪

♪ That means Somebody everyone knows ♪

♪ They're gonna recognize My eyes ♪

♪ My hair, my teeth My boobs, my nose ♪

♪ From just Some dumb mechanic's wife ♪

♪ I'm gonna be Roxie ♪

♪ Who says That murder's not an art ♪

♪ And who In case she doesn't hang ♪

♪ Can say She started with a bang ♪

♪ Roxie Hart ♪

(CHUCKLES)

Boys.

♪ They're gonna wait outside In line ♪

-♪ To get to see Roxie ♪ -♪ Roxie ♪

♪ Think of those autographs I'll sign ♪

-♪ "Good luck to you" ♪ -♪ Roxie ♪

♪ And I'll appear In a lavaliere ♪

♪ That goes All the way down to my waist ♪

BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ Here a ring, there a ring Everywhere a ring-a-ling ♪

♪ But always In the best of taste ♪

Hmm, I'm a star.

And the audience loves me.

And I love them.

And they love me for loving them,

and I love them for loving me.

And we love each other.

And that's 'cause none of us got enough love in our childhoods.

And that's showbiz...

kid.

-♪ She's giving up Her humdrum life ♪ -♪ I'm gonna be...

-Sing it. -♪ Roxie ♪

♪ She made A scandal and a start ♪

♪ And Sophie Tucker will shit I know ♪

♪ To see her name Get billed below ♪

-♪ Roxie Hart ♪ -♪ Roxie ♪

BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ Roxie ♪

♪ Roxie ♪

♪ Roxie ♪

♪ Roxie ♪

♪ Roxie ♪

♪ Roxie ♪

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR OPENS)

-VELMA: I just can't take it anymore. -(DOOR CLOSES)

You can't go anywhere without hearing about that dumb tomato!

Oh, no, Mama, not you too.

(VELMA SIGHS)

Got some bad news, kid. The tour has been canceled.

-What? -Well, your name's been out of the papers too long.

All you read about today is that Hart kid.

She's hot.

And, uh, what am I supposed to do, huh?

Suck up to her like everybody else?

It couldn't hurt.

Over my dead body.

VELMA: Mind if I join you?

MAN OVER PA SYSTEM: Lights out ten minutes.

Smoke?

Look what some Johnny sent me.

Triple-cream caramels

all the way from San Francisco.

Oh... (LAUGHS) I'm watching my figure.

You know, the trial.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, great mention of you in The Trib today, huh?

(SIGHS) You know, there have been so many. I just can't keep track.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Hey, did I ever tell you, you are exactly the same size as my sister?

I mean, you'd fit into her costumes perfectly.

(GASPS) Oh, really?

Yeah, and I was thinking, you know, with all the publicity

that's piled up between us, and when Billy gets us off,

well, we'd be a natural to do an act together.

You think so, huh?

♪ ("I CAN'T DO IT ALONE" PLAYING)

BANDLEADER: Ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Velma Kelly in an act

of desperation.

♪ My sister and I had an act That couldn't flop ♪

♪ My sister and I were headed Straight for the top ♪

♪ My sister and I earned A thou a week at least ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ But my sister is now Unfortunately deceased ♪

♪ I know it's sad, of course ♪

♪ But a fact is still a fact ♪

♪ And now all that remains Is the remains ♪

♪ Of a perfect ♪

♪ Double act ♪

Watch this.

Now you have to imagine it with two people.

It's swell with two people.

♪ First I'd... ♪

♪ Then she'd... ♪

♪ Then we'd... ♪

♪ But I can't do it alone ♪

♪ Then she'd... ♪

♪ Then I'd... ♪

♪ Then we'd... ♪

♪ But I can't do it alone ♪

♪ She'd say, "What's your sister like?" ♪

♪ I'd say men ♪

♪ She'd say You're the cat's meow ♪

♪ Then we'd wow The crowd again ♪

♪ When she'd go... ♪

♪ I'd go... ♪

♪ We'd go... ♪

♪ Then those dingdong daddies Started to roar ♪

♪ Whistled, stomped Stamped on the floor ♪

♪ Yelling, screaming, Begging for more ♪

And we'd say, "Okay, fellas, keep your socks up,

'cause you ain't seen nothing yet."

♪ But I simply cannot do it ♪

♪ Alone ♪

So, what do you think, huh?

Come on, you can say.

Pfft.

I know. you're right. The first part's shit.

-(SCOFFS) -VELMA: But the second part...

The second part is really nifty.

Okay.

♪ She'd go... ♪

♪ I'd go... ♪

♪ And we'd go... ♪

♪ And then Those two-bit Johnnies ♪

♪ Did it up brown ♪

♪ To cheer The best attraction in town ♪

♪ They nearly tore The balcony down ♪

And we'd say, "Okay, boys, we're going home.

But before we go, here's a few more parting shots."

And this, this we did in perfect unison

♪ Now you've seen me Going through it ♪

♪ You may think There's nothing to it ♪

♪ But I simply cannot do it ♪

♪ Alone ♪

(PANTING)

So where was the part where you blew her brains out?

Okay, Roxie, I'll level with you.

Oh, no, no, no, don't bother.

You think you're fooling me?

You're all washed up, and it's me they want now,

and I'm a big star.

Single.

Oh, I almost forgot.

You were in the paper today too,

in the back, with the obituaries.

"Velma Kelly's trial

has been postponed indefinitely."

Oh.

Seven words. Wow.

Oh.

And here's a little piece of advice,

direct from me to you,

lay off the caramels, tsk.

♪ ("CHICAGO AFTER MIDNIGHT" PLAYING)

BANDLEADER: And now, for all you Chicago stay-up-laters,

you night owls who only come alive after dark,

we dedicate this tune,

"Chicago After Midnight".

BILLY: Yeah, but, this all-- This all took place on Lakeshore Drive.

(BILLY CHUCKLES) Incredible. Incredible.

All right, yeah. Yeah, thanks, Tom.

-What is it? -(SIGHS) Yeah, this, uh...

They just arrested this woman for a triple homicide.

-Really? -Yeah, and get this. She's an heiress.

-What? -Yeah. Yeah.

I know the family's in, uh... What is it?

Pineapples, grapefruits, some kind of fruit. I don't know.

So anyhow, this, uh...

This dame, uh, Kitty what's-her-name or something,

she's, uh, she's playing house on the North Side

in an apartment with a guy named Harry.

And what Harry does for a living, no one's quite sure,

but it doesn't really matter because she's footing all the bills.

Anyhow, Kitty comes home tonight.

Harry's already in bed, which is par for the course for Harry.

She goes to change.

When she returns,

she notices something rather odd.

Extremely Odd.

Kitty disappears for a second,

cool as a cucumber.

When she returns, she gently wakes up Harry.

(LAUGHTER)

Harry says, "What? I'm alone."

She says, "Alone? You got two other women in bed with you."

So get this-- Harry--

(LAUGHING) He says, "Come on, doll,

you gonna believe what you see or what I tell you?"

(LAUGHTER)

Good night, folks.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

MALE REPORTER: Give us the line!

Give us the line! Miss Baxter! Miss Baxter!

Miss Sunshine. From The Evening Star.

-I wonder if you wouldn't mind saying a word or two? -Sure, I'll say three.

Go to hell!

Please direct your questions to her counsel.

You're not my counsel, and I want my money back.

It's not your money. It's your mother's money.

-Are you sorry, dear? -Sure, I'm sorry.

Sorry I got caught.

-Oh! -ROXIE: Oh, hey, Miss Sunshine?

-MARY SUNSHINE: Not now, Roxie. -I got a letter from a guy.

He says that he's going on a hunger strike until I'm freed.

-That's nice, dear. -REPORTER: Miss Baxter?

Miss Baxter, did you know these two ladies personally?

Did I know these two ladies personally? Was that your question?

-Yeah, that's my ques-- -Ugh!

(SHOUTING RESUMES)

She's very high-spirited, isn't she?

Miss Baxter?

Oh, hey, Mr. Flynn.

-Mr. Flynn! -Yeah, hi, Trixie.

-It's Roxie. -Yeah, sure, I was just kidding.

Hey, did you get my trial date yet?

-(KEYS JINGLING) -Listen, kid.

Yeah, I'm at the top of your list, right?

-Go to hell! -(OFFICER SHOUTS)

Boy, what a hellion, huh?

And she's a socialite too.

Her mother owns all the pineapples in Hawaii.

What the hell do I care about pineapples?

-All right. All right. -Listen, uh, hey!

-No, hey, hey, hey! -BILLY: All right!

Miss Baxter will answer all of your questions,

and afterwards, I'll be happy to give you an interview myself.

(CROWD SHOUTING)

-(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES) -MALE VOICEOVER: Roxie...

BILLY: All right! All right!

VELMA: How's it feel, kid?

J. Edgar Hoover couldn't find your name in the papers.

(CROWD SHOUTING)

Mr. Flynn?

-(THUDS) -BILLY: Someone open this door immediately!

MARY SUNSHINE: Oh, my God, Roxie!

What is it, dear?

(CELL DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, oh! Oh, no, no, no, no, don't--

Don't worry about me.

Oh, I only hope the fall

didn't hurt the baby.

-Baby? -(REPORTERS CHATTERING)

-Shit! -Roxie.

Roxie, when did this happen, darling?

(SIRENS WAILING)

Well, doc, is she or isn't she?

-She is. -(SIGHS)

Would you swear to that statement in court?

Yes.

Good.

Button your fly.

(CROWD SHOUTING)

I would-- I would just like to say that...

Well, my own life doesn't matter now,

just that of my unborn child.

MARY SUNSHINE: You poor dear, to have your baby born in jail.

My readers won't stand for it.

BILLY: I can assure you that won't happen.

She'll come to trial at the earliest possible moment. You can quote me on that.

I think it's sweet. First time we ever had one of our girls knocked up.

(LAUGHTER)

-REPORTER: When is the baby due, Roxie? -AMOS: Roxie!

Hey, Roxie! Roxie!

Roxie! I just heard the good news.

I'm the father! I'm the father!

Hey, Roxie, who's the father?

That question is completely out of line.

How dare you insult this... This brave, young woman.

-That's enough. -(REPORTERS SHOUT)

Roxie! Roxie, honey! Roxie, it's Daddy!

♪ (INTRODUCTION TO "MR. CELLOPHANE" PLAYS)

It's Daddy!

Roxie, I came as soon as I could!

-Rox! -(ENGINE REVVING)

AMOS: If someone stood up in a crowd

And raised his voice up way out loud

And waved his arm and shook his leg

♪ You'd notice him ♪

If someone in the movie show

Yelled, "Fire In the second row

This whole place is a powder keg!"

♪ You'd notice him ♪

♪ And even without clucking Like a hen ♪

♪ Everyone gets noticed Now and then ♪

♪ Unless, of course That personage should be ♪

♪ Invisible ♪

♪ Inconsequential ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪ Cellophane ♪

♪ Mr. Cellophane ♪

♪ Shoulda been my name ♪

♪ Mr. Cellophane ♪

♪ 'Cause you can look Right through me ♪

♪ Walk right by me ♪

♪ And never know I'm there ♪

♪ I tell ya Cellophane ♪

♪ Mr. Cellophane ♪

♪ Shoulda been my name ♪

♪ Mr. Cellophane ♪

♪ 'Cause you can look Right through me ♪

♪ Walk right by me ♪

♪ And never know I'm there ♪

BILLY: Oh. I didn't see you.

Sit down. Sit down, sit down.

Look, Andy, I'm afraid I gotta hit you hard.

And I can only hope that you'll be big about it.

Amos. My name is Amos.

Who said it wasn't?

Oh, it was the kid. The kid's name I was thinking about, yeah.

You know when she's due? September.

Oh, but-- But pass out those cigars anyway.

-And I don't want you to give a darn when people... -People what?

(SIGHS) Laugh.

-Laugh? Why would they laugh? -'Cause they can count.

Can you count? September.

Here's a copy of Roxie's first statement

from the DA's office.

It says she hadn't copulated with you for four months prior to the incident.

Well, she-- She would know.

Yeah, I guess we hadn't done no copulating since...

Wait a minute. That don't figure out right, I--

I couldn't be the father.

Well, forget about that now. My client needs your support.

You mean she needs a meal ticket.

That's all I ever been, but this time she's gone too far.

What are you gonna do?

Divorce her?

You're damn right! I'll divorce her!

-She probably won't even notice. -(INTERCOM BUZZES)

-Yeah? Yeah, put him through. -(SNIFFS)

♪ A human being's made Of more than air ♪

♪ With all that bulk You're bound to see him there ♪

♪ Unless that human being Next to you ♪

♪ Is unimpressive ♪

♪ Undistinguished ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ Know ♪

♪ Who ♪

You still here, Andy?

Yeah, I'm still here...

I think.

♪ Shoulda been my name ♪

♪ Mr. Cellophane ♪

♪ 'Cause you can look Right through me ♪

♪ Walk right by me ♪

♪ And never know I'm there ♪

♪ I tell ya Cellophane ♪

♪ Mr. Cellophane ♪

♪ Shoulda been my name ♪

♪ Mr. Cellophane ♪

♪ 'Cause you can look Right through me ♪

♪ Walk right by me ♪

♪ And never know I'm there ♪

♪ Never... even ♪

♪ Know ♪

♪ I'm there ♪

I hope I didn't take up too much of your time.

I've been waiting here for ten minutes. Don't do that again.

This dress makes me look like a Woolworth's lampshade.

-I'm not wearing this. -You're wearing it because I tell you to wear it.

-I'm not wearing this dress. -And when Andy's on the stand, I want you to be knitting.

Knitting? Oh, for Christ's sake!

-A baby garment. -I don't know how to knit.

-Then learn. -That is no way to win a jury's sympathy.

Oh, you don't need advice anymore.

Lookit here, Mr. Mouthpiece.

It seems to me

that I am the one who's coming up with the good ideas.

I'm sick of everybody telling me what to do.

And you treat me like dirt, you know that?

You treat me like I'm some dumb common criminal.

But you are some dumb common criminal.

Well, it's better than being a greasy Mick Lawyer.

-Who happens to be saving your ass! -Who's out for all he can steal!

All right, maybe you'd like to appear in court without me.

Well, maybe I could. Have you read the morning papers?

They love me!

Wise up! They'd love you a lot more if you were hanged.

-You know why? 'Cause they'd sell more papers. -You're fired.

I quit.

Any lawyer in this town would die to have my case.

You are a phony celebrity. You're a flash in the pan.

In a couple of weeks, no one's gonna give a shit about you.

That's Chicago.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

(DOOR SLAMS)

What happened?

It's the Hunyak.

She lost her last appeal.

So, what's that mean?

Well, that means that next week,

she's gonna...

This is Mary Sunshine

coming to you from the Cook County Jail,

-where history will be made today. -(REPORTERS SHOUTING)

Katalin Helinski will become the first woman

in the state of Illinois to be executed.

And so, ladies and gentlemen...

BANDLEADER: And now, ladies and gentlemen,

for your pleasure and your entertainment,

-(DRUMROLL) -we proudly present...

Katalin Helinski and her famous

Hungarian disappearing act.

(DRUMROLL CONTINUES)

(CYMBALS CRASH)

(SOBS)

(CYMBALS CRASH, DRUMROLL STOPS)

(CHEERING)

(WAGON WHEELS RATTLING)

You know, it's really not that bad.

-You clear about everything we agreed on? -Yep.

I've been up all night rehearsing.

What do you do when Harrison starts coming after you?

I sit still and look straight ahead, never at the jury.

-And? -And I look modest.

-And? -And...

-And say nothing. -Oh, that's right.

-That was the deal, right? -Right.

Right. You asked me back. I do all the talking this time.

-Absolutely, Billy. -(KNOCK ON DOOR)

-Whatever you say. -(DOOR OPENS)

MAN: Mr. Flynn.

-His Honor's here. -Thank you.

You ready?

-(DOOR CLOSES) -Yeah.

-Billy? -Hmm?

I'm scared.

Ah, don't be.

I've been around a long time. Believe me, you got nothing to worry about.

It's...

It's all a circus.

A three-ring circus. That's all. These trials, the whole world.

It's... (INHALES)

♪ (INTRODUCTION TO "RAZZLE DAZZLE" PLAYS)

It's also show business.

But, kid...

you're working with a star.

♪ Give 'em The old razzle dazzle ♪

♪ Razzle dazzle 'em ♪

♪ Give 'em an act With lots of flash in it ♪

♪ And the reaction Will be passionate ♪

♪ Give 'em The old hocus pocus ♪

♪ Bead and feather 'em ♪

♪ How can they see ♪

♪ With sequins in their eyes? ♪

♪ What if your hinges All are rusting? ♪

♪ What if, in fact, You're just disgusting? ♪

♪ Razzle dazzle 'em ♪

♪ And they'll never Catch wise ♪

(CROWD SHOUTING)

♪ Give 'em The old razzle dazzle ♪

♪ Razzle dazzle them ♪

♪ Give 'em a show That's so splendiferous ♪

♪ Row after row Will grow vociferous ♪

♪ Give 'em The old flimflam flummox ♪

♪ Fool and fracture 'em ♪

(LAUGHING)

♪ How can they hear ♪

♪ The truth above the roar? ♪

♪ Roar, roar, roar ♪

♪ Throw 'em a fake And a finagle ♪

♪ They'll never know You're just a bagel ♪

♪ Razzle dazzle 'em ♪

♪ And they'll beg you For more ♪

-I object! -Sustained.

Your Honor, I haven't even asked the question yet.

♪ Give 'em The old double whammy ♪

♪ Daze and dizzy 'em ♪

♪ Back since the days Of old Methuselah ♪

♪ Everyone loves The big bamboozler ♪

♪ Give 'em The old three-ring circus ♪

♪ Stun and stagger 'em ♪

♪ When you're in trouble ♪

♪ Go into your dance ♪

♪ Though you are stiffer Than a girder ♪

♪ They'll let you get away With murder ♪

♪ Razzle dazzle 'em ♪

♪ And you got a romance ♪

Hello, Amos.

Amos.

-That's right, Mr. Flynn, Amos. -Amos.

-When did you file suit for divorce? -A month ago.

Was there any reason for filing at this particular time?

Oh, I'll say.

The newspapers said Roxie was expecting a little stranger.

Well, that's hardly grounds for divorce, is it?

A little too much of a stranger.

By that you mean you doubted the paternity of the child.

-Well, sure. -Tell me something, Amos.

-You share a bed with your wife? -Yes, sir, every night.

Oh, and you expect this jury to believe that you slept next to this woman

every night without exercising your rights as a husband?

Well, I could've if I wanted to.

-Oh, but you didn't. -No, I did.

-Did what? -Want to.

-But you didn't. -Didn't what?

-What you wanted. -Wait a minute. I'm getting confused here.

Hey, tell me, Hart. You tell me.

Did you ever question Roxie herself?

Did you even bother to ask her if you were the father of her child?

-No, sir. -No, no.

But if you became convinced that you were wrong,

you'd be man enough to admit it, wouldn't you?

You'd even be willing to take her back

if Roxie swore that you were the father of her child,

-which she does. -She does?

She does! She does!

No more questions!

You can step down now.

Well done, Andy.

Oh, Roxie, I'm so sorry.

-Aw! -Aw!

(CROWD APPLAUDS)

♪ Give 'em The old razzle dazzle ♪

♪ Razzle dazzle them ♪

♪ Show 'em the first-rate Sorcerer you are ♪

♪ Long as you keep 'em Way off balance ♪

♪ How can they spot You got no talents? ♪

♪ Razzle dazzle 'em ♪

-♪ BACKUP SINGERS : Razzle dazzle 'em ♪ -♪ BILLY: Razzle dazzle 'em ♪

MARY SUNSHINE: This is the moment we've been waiting for.

Roxie Hart finally takes the stand in her own defense.

♪ And they'll make you A star ♪

-(GAVEL BANGING) -JUDGE: Silence! Order!

-Silence! -(CROWD TALKING)

Proceed, Mr. Flynn.

Proceed, Mr. Flynn.

BILLY: Roxie, I have here a statement in which you admit

to having illicit relations with the deceased, Fred Casely.

Is this statement true or false?

I'm afraid that's true.

You're an honest girl, Roxie.

When did you first meet Fred Casely?

When he sold Amos and me our furniture.

And your personal relationship with him...

Could you tell the jury when that began?

When I permitted him to escort me home one night.

I don't think I would've gone with him

if Mr. Hart and me hadn't quarreled that very morning.

-Quarreled? -Yes, sir.

Well, I suppose it was his fault.

Oh, no, sir. It was my fault.

I suppose I just couldn't stop pestering him. (CHUCKLES)

Pestering him? About what?

I didn't like him working those long hours at the garage.

I wanted him home with me,

to darn his socks and iron his shirts.

I wanted a real home and a child.

So you drifted into this illicit relationship

because you were unhappy at home.

Yes, I was-- I was most unhappy.

Roxie Hart!

The state has accused you of the murder of Fred Casely!

-Are you guilty or not guilty? -I'm not guilty.

I'm not guilty.

I killed him. I did, but I'm not a criminal.

I'm not a criminal.

-(SOBS) I'm not a criminal. -There, there, there.

Roxie...

-Uh-huh? -Yeah.

Do you recall the night of January 14th?

Uh-huh.

Could you tell the jury, in your own words, the happenings of that night?

Well... (SNIFFLES)

-When Fred came over, I told him my good news. -And what was that?

That me and Amos were gonna have a baby.

-BILLY: Hmm. -And that it was all over between us.

What happened then?

Well, then, uh...

Oh... (SNIFFLES)

Then...

Did he threaten you, Roxie?

Objection, Your Honor. Counsel is leading the witness!

-Sustained. -(SNIFFLES, SOBS)

What did Casely say

when you told him the news?

"I'll kill you before I see you have another man's child!"

Could you tell the audience-- The jury, what happened next?

Well, in his passion, he, he tore off my robe,

and he threw me on the bed.

And-- And Mr. Hart's pistol was lying there between us.

-And then? -And then we both reached for the gun, but I got it first.

And then he came toward me with this, this funny look in his eyes.

He was angry and wild!

-Wild! -Wild!

-And did you think he meant to kill you? -Oh, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

So it was his life or yours?

And not just mine. I closed my eyes and I shot!

In defense of your life!

(CRYING) To save my husband's

innocent, unborn child!

(INHALES) Oh!

-(ALL GASP) -WOMAN: Roxie!

-(CROWD SHOUTING) -JUDGE: Order!

What a bull's eye, huh?

-Rox! -JUDGE: Order in this court!

-Roxie! -JUDGE: I'll clear this court if necessary.

There's pandemonium here in the courtroom.

JUDGE: Order! Bailiff!

MARY SUNSHINE: Mrs. Hart's behavior throughout this ordeal has been truly extraordinary.

-Yeah, I bet it has. -Opening her eyes, she fans herself

with her attorney's handkerchief.

-Handkerchief? -The poor child has had no relief.

She looks around now, bewildered, seeming to want something.

Oh, it's a glass of water.

Oh, Mama, that was my bit!

-I told Billy I was gonna do that at my trial! -Shh!

But now her eyes flutter wildly, and she--

-(GASPS) -(CROWD EXCLAIMS)

Mrs. Hart has fainted again.

Oh, jeez.

She slumps over, her chiffon dress up around her knees,

revealing a glimpse of a blue garter with a rhinestone buckle.

-Oh, Mama, she stole my garter. -I hear it was a wedding gift.

-She stole my garter! -Don't break-- Don't break my radio!

God!

First, the slob steals my publicity,

Then she steals my lawyer, my trial date.

-Now she stole my goddamn garter! -Well, what do you expect?

I mean, these days you get a little success,

and it's good riddance to the people who put you there.

There ain't no justice in the world.

And there ain't nothing you can do about it.

(SCOFFS) Nerts to that.

You think I got you up here just so you can listen to my radio?

People write some pretty interesting things

when they think no one's looking.

(BOTH LAUGH)

-Oh, Mama. -Oh.

(GASPS) Whoo!

HARRISON: The state calls a rebuttal witness.

(SPECTATORS MURMURING)

Left hand on the Bible, raise your right hand.

You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,

-and nothing but the truth, so help you God? -And then some.

Have a seat.

-Would you state your name for the record, please? -Velma Kelly.

Miss Kelly,

will you please tell the court if the object I am holding

is the one you happened to come upon in the defendant's jail cell?

Yes, it is.

I submit this as exhibit "X". Roxie Hart's diary.

I object!

My client has never kept a diary.

And even if she did,

this would be invasion of privacy in violation of the Fourth Amendment

and illegal search without a warrant.

Yeah. And she broke the lock.

(LAUGHTER, GAVEL BANGING)

JUDGE: Order! Order!

Well, that settles that. I'll allow it.

-What's the big deal? It's just a bunch of doodlings. -Proceed, Mr. Harrison.

Shh.

If you would read for us, please, Miss Kelly.

-(CLEARS THROAT) -I haven't worked in a while.

-"What a laugh, plugging Fred Casely." -What?

"The big baboon had it coming.

I'm just sorry I only got to kill him once."

I never wrote that. It was you.

-Hey, she made that up. -JUDGE: Order!

-Order! Order! -She made that up!

-She made that up! -Order!

Please, Mr. Flynn, get control of your client.

I'm sorry, Your Honor. It won't happen again.

(WHISPERS) Sit down, shut up. It's only making it worse.

I have no more questions.

Your witness, Mr. Flynn.

(SCOFFS)

BANDLEADER: Ladies and gentlemen,

A tap dance.

♪ (MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

Tell me, Miss Kelly, did you make a deal with Mr. Harrison?

Maybe to drop all charges against you in exchange for testifying here today?

Well, sure. I'm not a complete idiot.

(CROWD LAUGHS)

(CYMBALS CRASH)

Good. Good.

Since you gave such an impressive performance

for Mr. Harrison, maybe you'd do me the same honor.

-I'd be delighted. -Thank you.

BILLY: There.

-VELMA: Here? -BILLY: Mm-hm.

"Fred Casely assured me he'd get me an audition

down at the Onyx.

And then he reneged on his pledge,

and that was my motive for attacking him."

Pretty fancy way of saying, "He's a big fat liar

who welshed on a deal, so I shot him."

(MUSIC INTENSIFIES)

"Amos accused me of having an affair,

so I told him that the charge was erroneous."

Objection, Your Honor.

Mr. Flynn is twisting this evidence

to draw conclusions that are specious and, uh...

-Erroneous? -Exactly!

-(SPECTATORS LAUGHING) -(GAVEL BANGING)

JUDGE: Order! Order!

Miss Kelly, do you know the meaning of the word "perjury"?

-Yes, I do. -Do you also know that it's a crime?

Yes.

I mean, for example, if it turns out that you knew that this diary was a fake,

I'd hate to think of you rotting away in prison for the next ten years,

especially since you just won your freedom.

Look, all I know is what I was told.

(MUSIC STOPS, SPECTATORS MURMURING)

-(MUSIC RESUMES) -Oh, so... all right.

So you... you didn't find this diary in Roxie's cell?

No.

Mama-- Miss Morton gave it to me.

She said someone sent it to her.

Someone? Any idea who this mysterious benefactor might be?

-No. She didn't know. -All right, let's see if we can work this out.

Someone who writes about, um...

reneging on pledges and...

And erroneous charges.

Call me crazy. Doesn't that sound like a lawyer to you?

A lawyer.

A lawyer who obviously had a sample of my client's handwriting.

Mr. Harrison, didn't you ask

Roxie to write out a confession for you?

Yes, but you're not suggesting that I tampered with evidence, are you?

No, no, no. no, no. No, I wouldn't.

That's-- Don't be ridiculous.

No, that's thoroughly and utterly absurd.

But now that you mention it.

Your Honor, this is outrageous.

-It's outrageous! I know. I agree. -Mr. Harrison, order!

To even suggest that the prosecutor would make a thieves' bargain

with the notorious Velma Kelly and then fabricate the very evidence that set her free!

Just so you can win another case and move one step closer to the Governor's mansion!

HARRISON: Governor's mansion?

Why, it's simply beyond all imagining!

-I'll hold you in contempt! -No, it is not even conceivable!

But! But if it were, Wouldn't it be time to say:

"Come clean, Mr. Harrison, come clean"?

Even in Chicago, this kind of corruption cannot stand. Will not stand!

-(GAVEL BANGS) -JUDGE: That's enough, Mr. Flynn!

-I agree, Your Honor! It is enough! -(MUSIC STOPS)

The defense rests.

(DRUM BEATS, CYMBALS CRASH)

MARY SUNSHINE: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mary Sunshine,

reporting live from the Cook County Courthouse.

The City of Chicago has come to a complete standstill,

as the trial of the century finally draws to a close.

Mrs. Hart sits quietly at the defense table, hands folded,

wondering what fate has in store for her.

And now a hush falls over the courtroom,

as the 12 men of the jury file slowly back to their seats.

(GAVEL BANGING)

Gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?

We have, Your Honor.

The jury has reached a verdict.

(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)

JUDGE: Will the defendant please rise?

What is your verdict?

-We, the jury, find the defendant... -(SIGHS)

♪ (UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

Roxie Hart is innocent! She's innocent!

Get your paper!

Roxie Hart is free!

-She's free! Roxie-- -(GUNSHOTS, SCREAMING)

REPORTER 1: Come on, move it!

REPORTER 2: First, she shoots the husband, then plugs the lawyer.

(REPORTERS SHOUTING)

ROXIE: Hey!

Hey, don't you-- Don't you want to take my picture?

Hey, uh--

Hey, I'm the famous Roxie Hart. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, what happened?

Billy, what the hell happened?

This is Chicago, kid. You can't beat fresh blood on the walls.

But my publicity, Billy, my name in the papers. I was counting on that.

Your gratitude is overwhelming, kid. I just saved your life.

Yeah, and you got $5,000. And what do I get?

-I get nothing? -$5,000...

Actually, it's $10,000 once I collect from Velma.

(EXHALES) I get nothing?

Hmm. Oh, don't forget your blessed diary.

Hope you don't mind. I added a few (SIGHS) erroneous phrases in there.

Sorry, I couldn't tell you.

Couldn't take a chance.

I never lost a case.

(BRIEFCASE SLIDES)

You're a free woman...

Roxie Hart.

And God save Illinois.

AMOS: Roxie?

What do you want?

I want you to come home.

You said you still wanted to. And the baby.

Baby? What baby?

Oh. Ha, ha. Jesus.

What do you take me for?

There ain't no baby. (CHUCKLES)

There ain't no baby?

Tsk.

They didn't even want my picture.

I just--

I can't understand that.

♪ (INTRODUCTION TO "NOWADAYS" PLAYS)

(SIGHS)

Why didn't they even want my picture?

(CROWD CHATTERING)

(SIRENS WAILING)

♪ It's good ♪

♪ Isn't it grand? ♪

♪ Isn't it great? ♪

♪ Isn't it swell? ♪

♪ Isn't it fun? ♪

♪ Isn't it? ♪

♪ Nowadays ♪

BANDLEADER: Ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Roxie Hart says, "Good night."

♪ There's men everywhere ♪

♪ Jazz everywhere ♪

♪ Booze everywhere ♪

♪ Life everywhere ♪

♪ Joy everywhere ♪

♪ Nowadays ♪

♪ You can like The life you're living ♪

♪ You can live The life you like ♪

♪ You can even marry Harry ♪

♪ But mess around with Ike ♪

♪ And that's good ♪

♪ Isn't it grand? ♪

♪ Isn't it great? ♪

♪ Isn't it swell? ♪

♪ Isn't it fun? ♪

♪ Isn't it? ♪

♪ But nothing ♪

♪ Stays ♪

♪ You can like The life you're living ♪

♪ You can live The life you like ♪

-♪ You can even... ♪ -Didn't she kill a guy awhile back?

-♪ Marry Harry ♪ -Ah, who can keep them straight anymore?

♪ But mess around with Ike ♪

♪ And that's good ♪

♪ Isn't it grand? ♪

♪ Isn't it great? ♪

-♪ Isn't it swell? ♪ -That's great!

-♪ Isn't-- ♪ -We'll be in touch.

You know, I'm not quite finished yet. I have a--

I have-- Wait, wait, wait. One-- One more.

Um, I could, uh...

Just a second. I'm not--

Goddamn it. (SIGHS)

Thank you!

Here's your music, hon.

Thanks.

You know, you're really pretty good.

Yeah, that and a dime.

What are you doing here?

I heard you been, uh, making the rounds.

Yeah, well, if it was up to you, I'd be swinging by now.

Come on, I always knew Billy would get you off.

You should learn how to put things behind you.

Oh, thank you. I'll put that at the top of my list,

right after finding a job and an apartment with a John.

-Just shut up and listen to me! -Oh. (ROXIE CHORTLES)

You really are something.

Coming in here like, like some goddamn queen bee,

all full of advice for a poor slob like me.

Well, let me tell you something, Miss Velma Kelly.

I got a new life now,

and one of the best things about it is it don't include you.

Fine. I just thought we could help each other out.

-Well, you thought wrong, didn't you? -Now, now, look. Listen to me.

(SIGHS) Look, I talked to this guy downtown.

He said one jazz killer is nothing these days,

but two...

(CAR HORNS HONKING IN DISTANCE)

We could make a couple of hundred a week.

Think about it, Roxie.

Our faces back in the papers, our names on the marquee.

Velma Kelly And Roxie Hart.

Shouldn't it be alphabetical?

That could work.

Couple hundred?

-Maybe we could ask for a thou. -We're worth it.

Forget it.

-It'll never work. -Why not?

'Cause I hate you.

There's only one business in the world

where that's no problem at all.

♪ (INTRODUCTION TO "NOWADAYS" PLAYS)

BANDLEADER: Ladies and gentlemen,

the Chicago Theater is proud to announce a first.

The first time anywhere there's been an act

of this nature...

Not only one little lady, but two.

You've read about them in the papers.

And now here they are, Chicago's own killer-dillers,

Those scintillating sinners,

Roxie Hart and Velma Kelly!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)

♪ You can like The life you're living ♪

♪ You can live The life you like ♪

♪ You can even marry Harry ♪

♪ But mess around with Ike ♪

♪ And that's good ♪

♪ Isn't it grand? ♪

♪ Isn't it great? ♪

♪ Isn't it swell? ♪

♪ Isn't it fun? ♪

♪ Isn't it? ♪

♪ But nothing stays ♪

♪ In 50 years or so ♪

♪ It's gonna change, you know ♪

♪ But, oh, it's heaven ♪

♪ Nowadays ♪

BANDLEADER: Okay, you babes of jazz, let's pick up the pace.

Let's make the parties longer. Let's make the skirts shorter.

Let's all go to hell in a fast car and keep it hot!

♪ (UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS, CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, WHISTLING)

MAN: Velma!

Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

Me and Roxie...

We'd just like to say thank you!

Thank you!

Believe us,

we could not have done it without you!

♪ And all ♪

♪ That ♪

♪ Jazz ♪

♪ That jazz ♪

BANDLEADER: Five, six, seven, eight.

♪ (UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

♪ (INTRODUCTION TO "I MOVE ON" PLAYS)

VELMA: ♪ While truckin' down The road of life ♪

♪ Although all hope Seems gone ♪

♪ I just move on ♪

ROXIE: ♪ When I can't find A single star ♪

♪ To hang my wish upon ♪

♪ I just move on ♪

♪ I move on ♪

VELMA: ♪ I run so fast ♪

♪ A shotgun blast ♪

♪ Can hurt me not one bit ♪

ROXIE: ♪ I'm on my toes ♪

♪ 'Cause heaven knows ♪

♪ A moving target's hard To hit ♪

VELMA AND ROXIE: ♪ So as we play An ice ballet ♪

♪ We're not the dying swan ♪

♪ We just move on ♪

♪ We move on ♪

ROXIE: ♪ Just when it seems ♪

♪ We're out of dreams ♪

♪ And things have got us down ♪

VELMA: ♪ We don't despair ♪

♪ We don't go there ♪

♪ We hang our bonnets Out of town ♪

VELMA AND ROXIE: ♪ So there's no doubt We're well cut out ♪

♪ To run life's marathon ♪

♪ We just move on ♪

♪ We just move on ♪

♪ So fleet of foot We can't stay put ♪

♪ We just move on ♪

♪ Yes we move on ♪

VELMA: ♪ Come on, babe Why don't we paint the town? ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ I'm gonna rouge my knees And roll my stockings down ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ Start the car I know a whoopee spot ♪

♪ Where the gin is cold But the piano's hot ♪

♪ It's just a noisy hall Where there's a nightly brawl ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ Find a flask We're playing fast and loose ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ Right up here Is where I store the juice ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ Come on, babe We're gonna brush the sky ♪

♪ I betcha Lucky Lindy never flew so high ♪

♪ 'Cause in the stratosphere How could he lend an ear ♪

♪ To all that jazz? ♪

♪ Oh, you're gonna see your Sheba shimmy shake ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ Oh, she's gonna shimmy Till her garters break ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ Show her where To park her girdle ♪

♪ Oh, her mother's Blood'd curdle ♪

BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ If she'd hear Her baby queer ♪

VELMA: ♪ For all that jazz ♪

♪ Come on, babe Why don't we paint the town? ♪

-♪ And all that jazz ♪ -♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ I'm gonna rouge my knees And roll my stockings down ♪

-♪ And all that jazz ♪ -♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ Start the car I know a whoopee spot ♪

♪ Where the gin is cold But the piano's hot ♪

♪ It's just a noisy hall Where there's a nightly brawl ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ No, I'm no one's wife ♪

But, oh, I love my life ♪

♪ And all that jazz ♪

♪ That jazz ♪