Original subtitles

(whistling sprightly tune)

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also sfam‘ng Don Knotrs.

What are you doing?

I'm playing checkers.

With yourself?

Yeah.

How are you doing?

Won two and lost two.

Any other games you play by yourself?

Yeah. I sometimes play myself two-handed Rob the Deck Casino.

You do?

Yeah, and sometimes I also play myself

a four-handed game of Parcheesi. Do you mind?

(chuckles): No, I don't mind.

There's something I wish you'd do for me. though.

What's that?

If you was to ever play yourself a game of ping-pong,

| wish you’d let me know, because thai I got to see.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, Andy.

Here, open up some of the mail.

Maybe you wrote yourself a letter.

Never know when to stop. do you?

Just go on and on

and on and on and on and on.

It's kind of a sickness with you, I guess.

Oh, Barney, lwas just picking at you,

0h.

Hey, we got a package from the Hughbacher Brothers.

Oh. Where are they now?

They‘re still doing time up at State Prison.

Let's see what it is.

Oh, they're in leathercrafl.

A wallet for me and a bookmark for you.

Aw. You know. they are three

of the nicest tellas we ever sent up.

Yeah.

Oh, here's a note.

Huh.

It says, uh, itsays,

"Dear Andy and Barney."

It says, "Hi from state prison.

"As you can see trom the enclosed,

"we are learning a trade.

"As you probably have heard, we were separated a while,

"when Elmer went out on parole, but thank heavens he's back

with us, and we’re all together again."

That’s nice.

It is nice.

"Yours truly, the Hughbacher Brothers,

"P.S. We're having a wonderful time.

Wish you were here, ha, ha."

(laughs)

They wish we was there, in the prison.

daughsy Yeah.

They're funny boys.

We oughta drive up there some Sunday

and see them.

Yeah.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

This is from the State Inspector‘s Office.

Uh, they're sending a man down here

to look us over!

Oh, is that all?

What do you mean, "is that all?"

Well, it's just routine.

They send a man down every now and then.

Nothing to get head up about.

Hey, this must have been late getting here.

Says he'll be coming in today.

Today?!

Oh, my gosh, Andy.

We got to get ready!

Yeah, boy.

I got to get my fishing gear together

and oil up my huntin' guns.

Oh, how can you think about fishin' and huntin'

when there‘s an inspector coming, and today?

Well, this is awful.

It's just awful.

Well, Barney, no use to get

your skinny little veins to popping.

It's just Sam Allen.

Uh, Sam Allen?

Oh, that's right.

You wasn’t here when he come down before.

Sam Allen-- he's the inspector.

He's a buddy of mine.

He comes down, and we go fishin' and huntin'.

It's more of a social call than anything else.

Well, Idon‘t care. It's still an inspection,

and I think we ought to be ready for him.

Uh! Oh!

Wouldn't you know it?

The cells would have to be empty today.

Now, how does that look?

Well“, it looks empty is how it looks.

Yeah. Well, it sure doesn't speak well

tor the law around here.

I‘m going to go out and get us a prisoner.

Barney, we don‘t need a prisoner.

Yes, we do. We need one to dress up the place.

All right, Otis, come on, let's go.

I got one, Andy.

Otis gets to be it, huh?

Doggone it, Otis, you’re a prisoner.

Now, act like one.

But I like you, Barney,

You're my friend,

Yeah, well, that‘s all well and good,

but you ain't supposed to be

hugging me when I’m arresting you.

Andy, tell him it ain't regulation,

But he likes you, Barney.

All right, take it easy, Otis. Come on,

Andy, my other good friend.

-Yeah. -You ain't supposed

to hug the sheriff, neither.

But I like you both.

You‘re both my good friends,

and I'm glad to be with you.

This is my birthday.

Oh, ain't that nice?

(chuckles)

J' For I‘m a jolly good fellow I

J' Jolly good fellow... J‘

J' For I'm a jolly good fellow.., J'

-You know something? >What?

I got drunkjust so I could come over here

to be w'th you, so you could help me

celebrate my birthday.

Aw, you didn‘t have to do that, Otis.

Why, you would have been welcome, anyhow.

No, that's like going to a friend's store

and not buying anything.

(laughs)

-Sheriff? »Huh?

Can I use your phone?

-Sure. Help yourself. -Thanks.

-Hey, Otis. -Yeah?

It‘s, uh. ,. it's over here.

0h.

(chuckles)

I I'm a jolly good fellow J'

J‘ 'Cause I'm a jolly good fell“, J'

Hello, Sarah? This is Otis Campbell.

There been any calls for me about my birthday?

Nobody called to wish me

a happy birthday. Nobody.

All right, Otis,

Let‘s get locked up. Come on.

In the cell, in the cell.

Oh, now wait. Wait a minute, Barney.

You can‘t lock Otis up today,

It‘s his birthday.

But the inspector‘s coming.

And R‘s my birthday.

Hey, lgot a idea.

Sam'll get a kick out of this.

Him and Otis are practically buddies.

-Hey, Otis? -Hmm?

Guess who's coming,

Who?

Sam Allen.

-He is? -Yep, and when he gets here,

we‘re gonna celebrate your birthday,

We are?

Yeah. Oh, this'll tickle Sam.

I'll go get us a cake.

(moans)

What's the matter?

Somebody remembered my birthday.

Hey, Barney...

guard your prisoner.

Birthday party in a jail.

Jimminy, that‘s enough to make a lawman cry.

J‘ For I'm a jolly good fellow J'

J' For I‘m a jolly good fellow I

J' For I'm a jolly good fellow,.. I

(door opening)

Yes? What can I do for you?

How do you do?

I'm from the State Inspector‘s office.

Oh, well, welcome to Mayberry, Mr. Allen.

Allen? I'm not Allen.

Oh, I, lthought you said you were from

the State Inspector‘s office.

I am, but my name is Case, Ralph Case.

| replaoed Sam Allen.

You... you... you replaced Sam Allen?

That's right.

You're, uh, Sheriff Taylor?

Yeah. No.

No, no. I‘m the deputy.

Barney Fife.

CASE: Don‘t tell me that's the sheriff.

Who?

Him,

Oh, him?

Oh, my goodness, no,

Th-that's not the sheriff.

Well, who is it?

Well... uh...

he‘s a prisoner.

A prisoner?

Well...

What is this prisoner doing out of his oell?

Huh?

This prisoner is not in a cell. Why?

Why?

Well...

(snares)

I had him on a work detail, sir.

Sheriff Taylor says to always keep

these prisoners hoppin’.

lguess l... I sorta over-hopped him.

l have to watch myself.

You see, I have a tendency to get brutal,

All right, let's go, Otis. Come on. Get them feet down.

Let's get in that celll Come on, hut, hut, hep, haw.

(slurred): I Jolly good fellow.., J'

And stop that singing!

This is a prison, not a hotel.

All right, let's get in there.

(cowboy roundup yell)

Here's the cake.

Where's Otis?

Sheriff Taylor?

How do?

I'll be with you in a minute.

Hold this.

Otis. what are you a-doin' in there?

You‘re supposed to be the guest of honor,

Now, you come on out here, birthday boy.

Andy, this is the new inspector~

Mr. Cake... uh, Case.

Oh, how do?

Oh, this is Otis Campbell.

It‘s my birthday.

Sam Allen ain't comin'?

Oh, I'm taking Mr. Allen's place.

Sam ain't feelin' poorly, is he?

He's on a leave of absence.

Oh, well, we're glad you're here.

We werejust fixin' to have a little party.

Everybody forgot Otis' birthday.

Sheriff...?

ANDY: Hey, maybe afterwards,

we could do a little fishin'.

Sheriff, I didn't come here to fish.

Want to do a little froggiggin'?

Nor to go frog-gigging,

You‘re not much like Sam, are you?

Apparently not.

Excuse me.

(whispering): Otis... get in the cell.

But this is my birthday...

In, in, in, in, in.

Party-pooper.

Ain't they nice doilies?

My Aunt Bee made those, by hand.

Sheriff, I've inspected many a jail,

but I have never seen one like this.

Why, thank you.

What I mean is, this jail

doesn't even seem like a jail.

ANDY: Well, now, I'm glad it hit you that way.

That's exactly the effect we was tryin' to achieve.

Some of our prisoners have said that our cells

are kind of like a home away from home.

Home away from,..?

Well, see, most of our prisoners

are friends and neighbors

and different ones like that,

and, well, we figure that they've already met

with some kind of misfortune somewhere else,

and we don't want to make it

any more unpleasant for them than we can help.

You see mm I mean?

It‘s amazing.

Absolutely amazing.

Why, thank you.

Much obliged.

Sheriff Taylor, haven't you ever read

any textbooks on proper procedure?

Any sort of police manual?

Um, no, Ican't say that l have.

l-l did used to take the Police Gazette though,

But I, I had to cut it out

when Deputy Fife joined the force.

Well, see, it had a lot of girlie pictures in it,

and Barney, he.,. he's never been man'ied.

(clearing throat)

Uh, boy, it, uh...

it sure is nice to have these babies around.

(chuckles)

Your sidearm, please.

Sir?

Your pistol.

It, uh, is a pistol?

Oh, yes, sir,

There aren‘t any bullets in this gun,

Oh, well, Barney keeps his bullet in his pocket.

In his pocket?

Mm-hmm,

Well, why don't you put it

in the pistol where it belongs?

Yes, sir.

Aw, Mr. Case, I...

(gunshot)

Andy, take that thing away from him,

'tore he kills us all.

See, Mr. Case, that's why we've generally found

it better if Barney keeps his bullet in his pocket.

See, he's, he's got this greasy trigger finger.

Sheriff Taylor, this is the worst excuse

for a jail I've ever seen.

I'd hate to think what would happen

if something serious came up here.

It would be chaotic, disastrous.

Well, there ain't no use thinking gloomy thoug hts.

Golly, look on the bright side.

Well, we'll see if there is a bright side,

I‘ll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to call my chief at the state capital,

and have him come down here and see this for himself.

Well, what for?

To see whether or not I'm right in recommending

that impeachment proceedings be started against you

and yourforce.

A sheriffs office should be run by the sheriff and his deputy,

not the Katzenjammer Kids.

Huh.

First, I didn't think that fella was so bad,

but all of a sudden, he sure does have

a lot of nasty in him.

Oh, Andy, this is awful, just awful,

I‘m out a bullet, and you'll soon be out a job.

And I'm out a birthday party.

Oh, hi, Ope.

Got here as fast as I could, Paw.

Huh?

Barney was just at the house.

He told Aunt Bee there was an inspector here

making trouble.

Oh, leave it to Barney,

He said you might have a chance

if you was at least in uniform.

Said you needed a hat and a tie,

so I brought you these.

0h.

They okay, Paw?

It was all I could find.

Oh, I reckon.

Is that inspector going to make trouble for you?

No.

Sure hope not, Paw.

'Cause I think you're the best sheriff

in the whole wor1d.

Even if you don't carry a gun.

Well, thank you for that testimonial.

Still, though

if Barney thinks I ought to keep up appearances

maybe I ought to give her a try.

You run along home.

Okay, Paw.

And thank you for these,

Okay.

Andy?

Back here, Barn.

Andy, | just seen Inspector Case, and he...

oh, it's just awful, just aMul.

What's up?

Andy!

Sheriff Andy Taylor

reporting for inspection, sir.

Andy, what's that?

Well, didn't you go over to the house

and tell them to send me a hat and tie?

Well, yes. So you'd be in uniform,

Not in trick or treat!

Aw, you don‘t like my hat and tie?

Look at this tie. See that? See them dots there?

See, you look at them dots and then look away

and you still see ‘em.

You want to try/.7 Hmm?

You, you like my hat with the brim up or down better?

I guess down for evening and up for day.

Now, look, Andy,

you ain't heard the worst.

| just seen Inspector Case a little while ago.

Oh, is old Mr. Nasty still around?

He sure is, and what's more,

he really did call his boss,

and he‘s coming here.

He's really coming.

Well, what do you expect me to do?

I‘m cleaning the place up.

Well, Andy, you heard what he said,

This is the sorriest jail he's ever seen.

Oh, I would n't worry about that too much, Barney,

coming from a total stranger.

Stranger? Andy, that man's an official.

An official official.

And the official he's bringing in

is even more official.

Oh, Barney,

Andy, do you realize what a wortd

they can do to us if they.. ,?

Barney!

You beat everything.

The key would have to be

in the other door.

Oh... oh... this is awful.

This is just awful,

Do you think maybe we'd better call?

Maybe somebody outside will hear us.

Hmm, Might as well.

-Help! -Help!

Help!

Help! Out there, help!

Help!

Oh, Mr. Case?

Mr. Case?

Well, here we are again.

I guess you‘re wondering what we're doing in here.

Uh, uh, uh, we was just conducting an experiment

to see how escapeproof this jail really is,

And I want to tell you, when this thing is locked

you really can't get outta here.

Look at this.

The fact is,

the door slammed and locked us in.

There‘s a key in that door right behind you there,

If you'd get it and let us out,

we‘d appreciate it.

Sheriff, this morning

I thought I'd seen all the shenanigans

there were to see.

But.., I guess I was wrong.

Only one thing I'm sorry about.

That my chief wasn't here to see it all.

But, uh, maybe you'll put on a special show for him?

Hmm, polka dot tie.

Oh, these.

l was just funnin' with Barney.

Well, Sheriff, you just go right on funnin',

and when my chief gets here, which should be any minute now,

we'll all sit down

and have a little talk about the housecleaning

that this office is in for.

Housecleaning?

Now, look here, Mr. Case.

You can carry on

and make threats against me all you want to,

but you‘re scaring my deputy half to death,

and | wish you‘d just stop it.

A-Andy, please.

You can be insolent, too.

Very well.

It‘ll all be down in here.

MAN: Sheriff? Sheriff?

ANDY: What is it, Sam?

You've got to come quick, Sheriff.

It's Luke Reiner.

He's got his still operating again,

and he heard somebody say

that they was going to report it.

So he's locked hisself up

in his house, and he's shooting away at the world.

-Won't let anybody come near the house. -That old buzzard.

You mean this man has himself barricaded

-and is firing at people? -That's Luke.

He can be awful mean. Come on, Barney,

Sheriff, aren't you going to call the State Police for help?

I reckon we can handle it.

Sheriff, this calls for an experienced lawman.

Yeah, come on, Barney.

Sheriff!

Sheriff!

(gunshot)

He ain't just kidding, is he?

No, he ain‘t.

Hey, Luke!

Luke! This is Andy Taylor!

-I want to talk to you... -(gunshots)

I might have known it. You‘re talking to him

like you'd like to have a folksy little chat.

We got to show him that we mean business.

You got a portable loudspeaker?

Yeah, yeah. Right here in the tmnk.

We use it a lot.

At picnics.

You know, calling races

and games and such.

Now, hear this.

This is Inspector Case, State Police.

We've got you surrounded,

I want you to drop your gun and come out here

-with your hands up. -(gunshot)

That man's dangerous, a maniac.

We‘ll smoke him out.

Got any tear gas?

Tear gas?

Aw, come on.

Well Sheriff, what do you intend to do, just stay here?

I'm just giving him a minute to simmer down.

It's time we stopped playing games.

Mayberry to State Police.

Mayberry to State Police.

Mayberry to Sta...

What are you calling the State Police for?

To get the job done.

Get equipment in here— guns, tear gas...

If necessary, to blast him out.

-Mayberry to State Police. -Well now, that all sounds

as big deal as can be, but it ain't really necessary,

Well, just what are you planning to do?

Well, if you're finished with all your proper procedure,

I reckon we'll just go about our business

and arrest that fella up there.

Mayberry to State Police. May..,

Mr. Case...

you're getting everybody all head up over nothing.

But that man's a menace.

He tried to kill me.

You mean, when he shot your hat off?

Naw. If Luke had wanted to hurt you, he'd have hurt you.

He can shoot the ears off a fly at 40 paoes.

He's just being a little cussed.

And if you'll quit playin' with the radio,

I‘ll just go up there and put a stop to it.

Now, Luke, I want you to stop that right now,

Sheriff Taylor! You better come back here!

(gunshot)

He's going to get himself killed.

Andy knows what he's doing,

(gunshot)

I hope.

(gunshot)

(horn honking)

Mr. Brady, I'm sure glad you got here.

You sounded desperate on the phone.

What's going on here?

It's the Sheriff, sir. Look at him.

That's him, walking right straight into that gunfire.

Don't you think we ought to call the State Police?

Wait just a minute, Case.

But, uh, he'll get killed, sir, He’ll..,

You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Luke—

actin‘ like a young'un.

Bad enough you shooting at Barney and me,

but taking potshots at a total stranger?

You know better than that. What's the matter with you?

All right, take the prisoner, Deputy,

All right, better let me have that rifle, Sheriff.

Come on, you, let‘s get in the car.

Fool around with us, will ya?

Come on, move!

Hup, hup, hup. hey-hah!

Get In there! Come on!

Lift them, lift them! Get in there!

Well, that was a nice job, Sheriff,

Oh, uh, my name is Brady-- State Police.

Oh, how do?

-Took a lot of courage. -Oh, not really,

We come up and flush ol‘ Luke out every now and then.

-Oh? -Yeah.

Oh, Case, what was that phone call of yours all about?

What's the complaint here?

Oh, yes, sir,

I want to report a chocolate birthday cake with candles,

a gun went off,

there were doilies on the chairs

and he was standing there wearing a polka dot tie.,,

He... yes. I saw him.

He had a big polka dot tie on,

and he was standing there...

And, and then the deputy was.., was, uh...

he had a, uh, uh...

Oh, well, never mind, Mr. Brady.

Never mind.

You know something?

l-l think that boys been working too hard,

0h?

Yeah.

He's right curious acting.

Well, Sheriff...

you can now saythat you have a clean bill of health

from the head of the department.

Oh, much obliged, Mr. Brady.

(chuckles): So long, Sheriff,

Yes, sir.

Oh, uh, come on, Case.

Bye, Mr. Case. Come back and see us.

Yes, of course.

Oh, uh, Mr. Case... whenever you make out your report,

I surely would appreciate it

if you didn't mention the doilies in ourjail.

Well, we wouldn't want the other sheriffs stealin' our decor.

(whistling sprightly tune)